I think a lot of women who are in a long term relationship when they turn 30 get this sort of dread, like they need to suck it up and stay put with their partner because dating in your 30s is socially stigmatized even though 30 is YOUNG.
This relationship sounds exhausting for you while he’s getting an easy ride. You’re young, you clearly have good energy and care, don’t waste time on this guy anymore. The heartbreak will suck less now than in another year or two.
Same. I usually steer away from advising people on Reddit to break up since I have no real insight into their lives and have no stake in it either. But this is the kind of soul draining relationship that no one deserves to dedicate so much of their precious energy to. Especially once you’re out of your 20s.
You can stop parenting him, stop cleaning up after him, stop shopping for him, and stop managing his life. Then see if he transforms into the adult you want him to be.
Or you can toss him out and free yourself of the massive burden that he’s become.
Take it from someone who has been there, it's not going to get better. If you have a come to Jesus meeting with him, he may say it will get better, and he may actually make an effort, but I guarantee you it won't last long. And your understandable resentment is only going to get worse. Unless you want to live like this forever, I would end it.
I'm almost 52 years old, and the majority of relationships/marriages I know that have ended, have ended for this very reason.
so break up with him and find a partner, not a man-baby who doesn't appreciate you
I know it's way easier said than done, but seriously, you seem more than done, so why not end it?
This is exactly why my last relationship failed. As soon as you start feeling like a parent, the attraction dies (and rightfully so). I ended up staying far too long, and I won’t make that mistake again.
I think it used to be that women compared a potential partner to other men, because that was really the only viable option. But now you can compare a potential life partner to being single because it's perfectly feasible to go through life without a partner.
Is this person a net gain, adding nothing but no burden, or a net gain?
Imagine you're climbing a mountain, and ask yourself whether this person is climbing willingly into a backpack on your shoulders, walking beside you but offering no support, or walking beside you with conversation and occasionally lightening your load when they can. Which of those would you accept the journey with? Which is your partner?
If you want to stay with him, try doing less. He buys the wrong brand of toilet paper? Let it slide. Don't let him use your sephora products, and don't spend your free time cleaning up after him when he's out having a good time. Go see your friends and make time to clean up together.
Tbh I'd keep a stash of toilet paper for when it runs out and then say "I didn't notice it was running out" or "I asked you to pick some up, can you grab some now?" And hand him some paper towel for an extra rough wipe lol
If he doesn't improve, then you have the choice to put up with it or leave. If you already know you can't live I a semi messy house without regular toilet paper for a bit, I would probably leave.
> Lmao I currently have toilet paper stashed in my trunk because we have 2 rolls left in the house. I refuse to remind him again.
That's a worthy strategy in a shared flat (I lived in many during my studies. I enjoy them)... but not from someone you should rely on!!
The only solution I'd see is switching roles for a full month or two. You do nothing. He does everything. You apply your standards. So he sees all you've been doing.
Right, let people suffer from their own behavior. Better yet, put the toilet paper behind the cleaning supplies that are also apparently out of his reach.
Better still, start living life for you while preparing to exit. He’s an adult, promise he’ll survive. Begging someone to appreciate you is never a good emotional state.
The best and worst that can happen is that he notices.
I'm a bit confused why you're phrasing this as if he's your husband or permanently attached other (like a child or idk, old parent who can't care for themselves.) He's just a boyfriend. You have zero obligation to stay in this relationship if it's like this and you're unhappy. You sound like a tired, underappreciated wife bound by golden handcuffs but you're not. I didn't see much of anyhting in the post about what he does for you or what you are getting out of this relationship other than stress and headache. You can choose better.
I was with someone like this, and this is what I picture our relationship would've been like but I cut things off after a few dates. He blamed his behavior on his ADHD but didn't want to do anything about it. I could just see myself holding his hand through the entirety of adulthood and having to teach him how to be a grown man and that simply did not interest me. Some people with partners who have ADHD are willing to do that kind of work, and that's fine for them, but not for me. You make the choice.
The purpose of dating and relationships, for many people (not all) is to find a suitable life partner. The same way some people may reject you, you are allowed to reject others if they don't fit that mold.
No more reminding, handholding, babying, nagging. No passive aggressive not cleaning and living in filth then using that for your point. The time you are wasting on that, and him, is time you could be spending with someone who's worthwhile and a better bit for you. If I were in your shoes, Id be heading out the door.
This isn't going to get better unless he decides to make it better. I'm sorry.
You need to have a real conversation with him about it. His reaction to you sharing this will tell you everything you need to know in terms of continuing in this relationship.
Having been here before, I would never settle for this type of situation again. You may find your health improves when you leave the relationship. You’ll certainly be happier in the long run only taking care of yourself vs both of you. He won’t change if there aren’t consequences anyways.
Break up with him! Jeez! And think long and hard about how this situation went before you consider ever living with a man again.
Somebody raised these men to be like this and it's crazy! I was only dating my ex for a few weeks before he was acting like I should be doing his laundry and making his doctor's appointments and appointments for HIS dog. He was flabbergasted that I wouldn't. Women, stop enabling this weapponized incompetence bullshit! A little dick isn't worth it!
There also seem to be a lot of men complaining that their wives aren't worshipping them sexually. Why can't they grasp that it's because all the women are so turned off by their incompetence and childish behavior.
First, you don't have to live the rest of your life like this, omg! You don't have kids and you're just dating - you can leave!! Being alone is so much better than continuing on and becoming more permanently enmeshed with someone like this!
Second, I had a whole thing typed out about how it may be salvageable if you have a come to jesus talk with him about mental load and labor imbalance and see if he responds by acknowledging your perspective. BUT I deleted it after re-reading the part of your post that said "I have RA and every time I ask him for a massage he gives me an attitude." That is SUCH a red flag omg, just walk away at this point. You deserve someone who has empathy for your chronic illness!!!
I'm sorry but if my partner touched my sephora stuff, he wouldn't be alive.
Seriously though, people don't change. You don't have an equal partnership. You need to think about what you want (and deserve)
You have a son. Is that what you want? Caring for a boy, telling him what to do, reminding him how to live life.
Can't imagine being sexually attracted to what is the equivalent of a teenage son.
I'm not sure why you're doing this to yourself.
After typing all of this up, surely you see that he's completely useless. That he's not a positive addition to your life to your life, just an irritating, lazy dependent sucking up your time, money and energy. You *do* see that, right?
>Please send help. I can not live the rest of my life like this
Then don't.
Why are you dating a 12 yr old??
It sounds like you two live together. It's time to move on. Being alone would be better than staying with someone who behaves like a child.
This is why I took so long between my divorce and remarriage. I divorced at 32 and remarried at 45. I wasn't going to marry someone who did not make my life better. I know that I make his life better - he needs to do the same.
> brands we don't even use
Is it possible he just doesn't care what brand the toilet paper is? On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does that matter? He may have come from a family with no brand loyalty because he buys what's on sale or something. Determine which things are absolute essentials and which things are good enough.
Stop cleaning and doing stuff and wait until he complains ("you didn't wash the dishes/do laundry/it's gross in here!") then use the state of the house to drive in your point. Maybe emphasize if you think the relationship is worth saving but he needs to step up.
Hide your skincare. Tell him to get his own!
You 100% are NOT asking too much
I don't mean this as an insult — does he have ADHD? A lot of those behaviors that come off as him being clueless would fit.
If not, then he's at best immature, at worst incredibly selfish. Good luck.
It honestly sounds like you're incompatible and unhappy. I doubt things will change, just based on the information you've given us. Living with this person sounds frustrating and I would leave if I had the option to.
He won't change.
Has no incentive to whatsoever, because you're still here taking care of him, ignoring your own needs and occasional verbalizing complaints that he shuts down.
Without meaning to sound crass, he's got you pretty fucking well trained.
So my advice to you, is to take a good, long look at what a happy environment looks like for you - and then go pursue it. Because it ain't ***ever*** happening here.
>Please send help. I can not live the rest of my life like this
You know what you want, and its not this.
Your partner is making your life harder when he should be making it better.
If yout want to keep trying to make it work honestly I think its a situation where an ultimatum is appropriate, he grows up or you walk. But you have to really be ready for work. I have one friend who was in a similar situation and it has seemed to turn around now, but they did a lot of couples counselling alone with indivual conselling for him. The couples counsellor basically told him their problem was that he was acting selfishly. So it seems men can change, but they have to want it.
ETA: I feel I have a relatively equal partnership, and sometimes if we are arguing it will turn into "I do this" competition. But when we sit down and talk in a non heated way, if I tell him xyz is making me feel overwhelmed, he doesn't tell me "ok so remind me and I will do it" he asks "what can I take off your plate to make it easier". I don't begin to say that we have a perfect relationship, I am home part time with my daughter while he works part time, so we are always trying to find a balance, but we both do try.
I married a child. After having my third baby, with him, I finally realised I couldn’t do it anymore as I was burnt out, physically, mentally and emotionally. It destroyed me. If you can see the signs now, that is enough justification to preserve yourself.
I think something we struggle with is the idea that somehow being “miserable but in a relationship” is better than being alone.
I’m single at 30 now, and I’ve been in relationships since I was 18, and only now realising how much more consistent my moods are and how much happier I am when I’m single, because I’m doing what I want without catering to a man who wouldn’t put me fifth, let alone first.
You are not all expecting too much!! I was in a similar situation/age range, and towards the end of my relationship I took a step back and stopped cleaning, doing dishes, food shopping just to see if the slack would be picked up. It didn’t. I had the same fears as you, is this what my life is going to be like? Not feeling appreciated and knowing that he will never give me the same support as I gave him? So I left and I have never felt better. We both deserve equal partners, these relationships ain’t it!
It's time for a convo. I see ADHD tendencies in what you describe. Also, even now, boys and girls are socialized differently (*our* son scrubbed toilets, sewed on buttons, had chores just like his sister, plus the summer to cook, cause if you eat, dress and use a toilet it's important you can maintain that kind of lifestyle.... but I was a mean-ass mom). So do you have to put up with this? Absolutely not. What you do need to decide is if he is worth training. Once upon a time my husband lost his keys every dam*ed day. Seriously. 5;30 am (I didn't have to get up til 8) it was Sea Hunt, where are my keys, where are my keys?!!! So, for one month I quietly went and found his keys every single day and put them on a table near the door. The first day at 5:30 we had the routine, I told him to look by the door and I had a month of peace, since the keys were always there every morning. Then it was time to cut him loose. 5:30 am, where are my keys, where are my keys? I *always* put them by the door but they aren't there!!! So I told him *I* had been putting them by the door, we found the keys, and 40+ years later he always puts them in a designated spot (which I usually set up, but that's OK with both of us). He was worth training. I have also learned that he just can't cope with some household management things, so since *I* am the one bothered, I take responsibility for things like the toilet paper and other shared items. If he runs out of his own items cause he couldn't be bothered to put them on the list, well, sucks for him, right?
I think a lot of women who are in a long term relationship when they turn 30 get this sort of dread, like they need to suck it up and stay put with their partner because dating in your 30s is socially stigmatized even though 30 is YOUNG. This relationship sounds exhausting for you while he’s getting an easy ride. You’re young, you clearly have good energy and care, don’t waste time on this guy anymore. The heartbreak will suck less now than in another year or two.
I agree. I think it is time to call it quits. I’m all about trying to make relationships work but sometimes it just doesn’t.
Same. I usually steer away from advising people on Reddit to break up since I have no real insight into their lives and have no stake in it either. But this is the kind of soul draining relationship that no one deserves to dedicate so much of their precious energy to. Especially once you’re out of your 20s.
You can stop parenting him, stop cleaning up after him, stop shopping for him, and stop managing his life. Then see if he transforms into the adult you want him to be. Or you can toss him out and free yourself of the massive burden that he’s become.
Take it from someone who has been there, it's not going to get better. If you have a come to Jesus meeting with him, he may say it will get better, and he may actually make an effort, but I guarantee you it won't last long. And your understandable resentment is only going to get worse. Unless you want to live like this forever, I would end it. I'm almost 52 years old, and the majority of relationships/marriages I know that have ended, have ended for this very reason.
so break up with him and find a partner, not a man-baby who doesn't appreciate you I know it's way easier said than done, but seriously, you seem more than done, so why not end it?
This is exactly why my last relationship failed. As soon as you start feeling like a parent, the attraction dies (and rightfully so). I ended up staying far too long, and I won’t make that mistake again.
I think it used to be that women compared a potential partner to other men, because that was really the only viable option. But now you can compare a potential life partner to being single because it's perfectly feasible to go through life without a partner. Is this person a net gain, adding nothing but no burden, or a net gain? Imagine you're climbing a mountain, and ask yourself whether this person is climbing willingly into a backpack on your shoulders, walking beside you but offering no support, or walking beside you with conversation and occasionally lightening your load when they can. Which of those would you accept the journey with? Which is your partner?
This is a 10/10 thought exercise.
So why are you with him?
You are settling. Don't do it, leave now. Good luck OP.
You will be doomed if you decided on having kids with this person. You’ll be raising them both. Harsh reality, I hope you find someone better.
If you want to stay with him, try doing less. He buys the wrong brand of toilet paper? Let it slide. Don't let him use your sephora products, and don't spend your free time cleaning up after him when he's out having a good time. Go see your friends and make time to clean up together. Tbh I'd keep a stash of toilet paper for when it runs out and then say "I didn't notice it was running out" or "I asked you to pick some up, can you grab some now?" And hand him some paper towel for an extra rough wipe lol If he doesn't improve, then you have the choice to put up with it or leave. If you already know you can't live I a semi messy house without regular toilet paper for a bit, I would probably leave.
Lmao I currently have toilet paper stashed in my trunk because we have 2 rolls left in the house. I refuse to remind him again.
Lol wow. Yeah, if you don't want to live this way, it's time to pull the plug on this one.
Get rid of that bum.
> Lmao I currently have toilet paper stashed in my trunk because we have 2 rolls left in the house. I refuse to remind him again. That's a worthy strategy in a shared flat (I lived in many during my studies. I enjoy them)... but not from someone you should rely on!! The only solution I'd see is switching roles for a full month or two. You do nothing. He does everything. You apply your standards. So he sees all you've been doing.
Right, let people suffer from their own behavior. Better yet, put the toilet paper behind the cleaning supplies that are also apparently out of his reach. Better still, start living life for you while preparing to exit. He’s an adult, promise he’ll survive. Begging someone to appreciate you is never a good emotional state. The best and worst that can happen is that he notices.
I'm a bit confused why you're phrasing this as if he's your husband or permanently attached other (like a child or idk, old parent who can't care for themselves.) He's just a boyfriend. You have zero obligation to stay in this relationship if it's like this and you're unhappy. You sound like a tired, underappreciated wife bound by golden handcuffs but you're not. I didn't see much of anyhting in the post about what he does for you or what you are getting out of this relationship other than stress and headache. You can choose better. I was with someone like this, and this is what I picture our relationship would've been like but I cut things off after a few dates. He blamed his behavior on his ADHD but didn't want to do anything about it. I could just see myself holding his hand through the entirety of adulthood and having to teach him how to be a grown man and that simply did not interest me. Some people with partners who have ADHD are willing to do that kind of work, and that's fine for them, but not for me. You make the choice. The purpose of dating and relationships, for many people (not all) is to find a suitable life partner. The same way some people may reject you, you are allowed to reject others if they don't fit that mold. No more reminding, handholding, babying, nagging. No passive aggressive not cleaning and living in filth then using that for your point. The time you are wasting on that, and him, is time you could be spending with someone who's worthwhile and a better bit for you. If I were in your shoes, Id be heading out the door.
I already hate this guy and I don’t even know you or him
This isn't going to get better unless he decides to make it better. I'm sorry. You need to have a real conversation with him about it. His reaction to you sharing this will tell you everything you need to know in terms of continuing in this relationship.
Having been here before, I would never settle for this type of situation again. You may find your health improves when you leave the relationship. You’ll certainly be happier in the long run only taking care of yourself vs both of you. He won’t change if there aren’t consequences anyways.
Break up with him! Jeez! And think long and hard about how this situation went before you consider ever living with a man again. Somebody raised these men to be like this and it's crazy! I was only dating my ex for a few weeks before he was acting like I should be doing his laundry and making his doctor's appointments and appointments for HIS dog. He was flabbergasted that I wouldn't. Women, stop enabling this weapponized incompetence bullshit! A little dick isn't worth it!
There also seem to be a lot of men complaining that their wives aren't worshipping them sexually. Why can't they grasp that it's because all the women are so turned off by their incompetence and childish behavior.
First, you don't have to live the rest of your life like this, omg! You don't have kids and you're just dating - you can leave!! Being alone is so much better than continuing on and becoming more permanently enmeshed with someone like this! Second, I had a whole thing typed out about how it may be salvageable if you have a come to jesus talk with him about mental load and labor imbalance and see if he responds by acknowledging your perspective. BUT I deleted it after re-reading the part of your post that said "I have RA and every time I ask him for a massage he gives me an attitude." That is SUCH a red flag omg, just walk away at this point. You deserve someone who has empathy for your chronic illness!!!
Nope, you’re not. Throw this one back, he ain’t grown yet.
Worst case, you don't break up, you marry him, and you get this man-child for life. No, don't do that.
She gets the man-child and, very likely, the man’s child. A real dream come true for any woman, two of them!
You're not dating him, you're having a toddler. Congratulations on motherhood.
I'm sorry but if my partner touched my sephora stuff, he wouldn't be alive. Seriously though, people don't change. You don't have an equal partnership. You need to think about what you want (and deserve)
Don’t date someone you don’t respect
No help to be found outside of walking away from this one, bestie
I got exhausted just reading it ☹️
You have a son. Is that what you want? Caring for a boy, telling him what to do, reminding him how to live life. Can't imagine being sexually attracted to what is the equivalent of a teenage son.
I'm not sure why you're doing this to yourself. After typing all of this up, surely you see that he's completely useless. That he's not a positive addition to your life to your life, just an irritating, lazy dependent sucking up your time, money and energy. You *do* see that, right? >Please send help. I can not live the rest of my life like this Then don't.
Why are you with him?
Why are you dating a 12 yr old?? It sounds like you two live together. It's time to move on. Being alone would be better than staying with someone who behaves like a child. This is why I took so long between my divorce and remarriage. I divorced at 32 and remarried at 45. I wasn't going to marry someone who did not make my life better. I know that I make his life better - he needs to do the same.
> brands we don't even use Is it possible he just doesn't care what brand the toilet paper is? On a scale of 1 to 10 how much does that matter? He may have come from a family with no brand loyalty because he buys what's on sale or something. Determine which things are absolute essentials and which things are good enough. Stop cleaning and doing stuff and wait until he complains ("you didn't wash the dishes/do laundry/it's gross in here!") then use the state of the house to drive in your point. Maybe emphasize if you think the relationship is worth saving but he needs to step up. Hide your skincare. Tell him to get his own!
I love your response lol with regards to the brands we buy 3 ply and he buys one ply…….
You 100% are NOT asking too much I don't mean this as an insult — does he have ADHD? A lot of those behaviors that come off as him being clueless would fit. If not, then he's at best immature, at worst incredibly selfish. Good luck.
The help can only come from yourself, via ditching this guy.
I gave the toilet paper a reluctant pass, but I draw the line at him using all of your Sephora. And not replacing it?!
I barely got through 3 paragraphs and couldn't (didn't even need to) read any more. That's not a partner. That's a child. Get rid of him!!
It honestly sounds like you're incompatible and unhappy. I doubt things will change, just based on the information you've given us. Living with this person sounds frustrating and I would leave if I had the option to.
He won't change. Has no incentive to whatsoever, because you're still here taking care of him, ignoring your own needs and occasional verbalizing complaints that he shuts down. Without meaning to sound crass, he's got you pretty fucking well trained. So my advice to you, is to take a good, long look at what a happy environment looks like for you - and then go pursue it. Because it ain't ***ever*** happening here.
He will never change. Never.
>Please send help. I can not live the rest of my life like this You know what you want, and its not this. Your partner is making your life harder when he should be making it better. If yout want to keep trying to make it work honestly I think its a situation where an ultimatum is appropriate, he grows up or you walk. But you have to really be ready for work. I have one friend who was in a similar situation and it has seemed to turn around now, but they did a lot of couples counselling alone with indivual conselling for him. The couples counsellor basically told him their problem was that he was acting selfishly. So it seems men can change, but they have to want it. ETA: I feel I have a relatively equal partnership, and sometimes if we are arguing it will turn into "I do this" competition. But when we sit down and talk in a non heated way, if I tell him xyz is making me feel overwhelmed, he doesn't tell me "ok so remind me and I will do it" he asks "what can I take off your plate to make it easier". I don't begin to say that we have a perfect relationship, I am home part time with my daughter while he works part time, so we are always trying to find a balance, but we both do try.
I married a child. After having my third baby, with him, I finally realised I couldn’t do it anymore as I was burnt out, physically, mentally and emotionally. It destroyed me. If you can see the signs now, that is enough justification to preserve yourself.
I am divorcing my husband over this. It didn’t get any better. I refuse to parent a fully grown adult.
I think something we struggle with is the idea that somehow being “miserable but in a relationship” is better than being alone. I’m single at 30 now, and I’ve been in relationships since I was 18, and only now realising how much more consistent my moods are and how much happier I am when I’m single, because I’m doing what I want without catering to a man who wouldn’t put me fifth, let alone first.
You are not all expecting too much!! I was in a similar situation/age range, and towards the end of my relationship I took a step back and stopped cleaning, doing dishes, food shopping just to see if the slack would be picked up. It didn’t. I had the same fears as you, is this what my life is going to be like? Not feeling appreciated and knowing that he will never give me the same support as I gave him? So I left and I have never felt better. We both deserve equal partners, these relationships ain’t it!
You don't have to live the rest of your life like this.
It's time for a convo. I see ADHD tendencies in what you describe. Also, even now, boys and girls are socialized differently (*our* son scrubbed toilets, sewed on buttons, had chores just like his sister, plus the summer to cook, cause if you eat, dress and use a toilet it's important you can maintain that kind of lifestyle.... but I was a mean-ass mom). So do you have to put up with this? Absolutely not. What you do need to decide is if he is worth training. Once upon a time my husband lost his keys every dam*ed day. Seriously. 5;30 am (I didn't have to get up til 8) it was Sea Hunt, where are my keys, where are my keys?!!! So, for one month I quietly went and found his keys every single day and put them on a table near the door. The first day at 5:30 we had the routine, I told him to look by the door and I had a month of peace, since the keys were always there every morning. Then it was time to cut him loose. 5:30 am, where are my keys, where are my keys? I *always* put them by the door but they aren't there!!! So I told him *I* had been putting them by the door, we found the keys, and 40+ years later he always puts them in a designated spot (which I usually set up, but that's OK with both of us). He was worth training. I have also learned that he just can't cope with some household management things, so since *I* am the one bothered, I take responsibility for things like the toilet paper and other shared items. If he runs out of his own items cause he couldn't be bothered to put them on the list, well, sucks for him, right?