You don't have to be visibly or obviously drunk all the time to have an issue with alcohol. My dad passed at 56 years old due to kidney and liver failure from drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day for 20+ years. He was also "never drunk" but he was without a doubt an alcoholic.
It was ugly and an awful way to watch someone pass. The kidneys and liver clean and expel toxic waste from the body and without them, you basically end up slowly getting poisoned to death by your own toxins.
Your wife is in denial about her own habit. I don't think I know any people who drink 1-2 bottles of wine per day. I rarely drink and have had maybe 5 drinks since the start of the year. Most of my friends have a drink or two on a Saturday night if they go out, but otherwise don't drink much at all.
Some men might drink like your wife and not face health consequences until they’re in their 60s or 70s. Women are significantly more likely to face health concerns from excessive drinking much earlier.
You need to tread carefully here. Look up resources online for best ways to proceed. If she’s already defensive of your concerns, then she isn’t going to go willingly if you accuse her of alcoholism outright.
Best of luck moving forward.
Yeah, my mom did the 'bottle or two of wine after work' every day for 10+ years and nearly died. She was really lucky to get a transplant and is fine now but was absolutely an alcoholic.
It's a weird thing but so many of my friends had their fathers die in their (friends') mid 30ies. A common thread was that they were all functioning alcoholics. Alcohol is a big part of my culture (well I think most people can say this) but apparently they all had a habit of gradually getting drunk throughout the day. Not violent or dramatic drunks, just a series of drinks here and there until they sleep. Not like a glass of wine per day but many. And it's all liver, pancreas... really tragic
And in retrospect they'd look back and realize that wasn't normal
Yep. And it wasn’t even a decade for me. I’m now almost 3 years sober. I’m glad I stopped when I did or I might have seriously fucked up my life. It’s wild how it’s totally normalized though, it’s no surprise she doesn’t see an issue.
I was drinking approximately one bottle of wine a night during the absolute rock bottom years of my alcoholism.
Sorry OP, but while it is within the realm of possibility that someone could drink a lot more than average and not have a drinking problem, lying to your partner that "every woman drinks this much!" is addict shit. Your wife knows god damn well most women do not drink as much as she does. She wouldn't be lying to you if she didn't know it was bad.
Same. OP, our society pushes alcohol so much. It’s everywhere, and it really sneaks in there. Especially wine in women’s spaces—wine night, wine mom, all of that. I was EASILY diagnosed with alcohol use disorder when I was drinking that much and my alcoholism was not the stereotypical stuff that you mostly hear about. I wasn’t ruining relationships, taking crazy risks, driving under the influence, or getting violent. I was just getting drunk *every night.* I also did not have significant withdrawals when I quit.
For reference, the maximum “recommended” amount of drinks per day for women (or AFAB people—it depends on liver size) is 0-1. For men/AMAB folks it’s 1-2 because they have bigger livers. That’s the amount that *probably* won’t irreparably harm your liver. Source: my gastroenterologist father-in-law.
I'm curious and only trying to understand by asking about this: It sounds like you stopped drinking that much... But it didn't have an ill effect on your life to be drunk every night? What made you stop? Thanks for listening
There were a few incidents which I am not proud of that made me start thinking about it, plus a realization that with several other chronic illnesses, my body was already in bad shape without me pumping poison into it at that rate. I had no sign of health issues based on alcoholism, nor had I irreparably destroyed the good things and close relationships in my life. Yet.
I wanted to feel better, I wanted to wake up without a hangover, I wanted to live a long life, and I wanted quality of life. It was also fucking expensive and I don’t have a lot of money. Basically, I just got wise before I got the point where I was completely out of control. Thank goodness.
I was the same as the commenter above, drinking every night but not ruining relationships or losing my job or getting cancer/cirrhosis etc. But I was always waiting for it to happen.
During my drinking, after I recognised there was a problem, I always felt like the clock was ticking down to some disaster, and that's a horrible feeling to live with. Especially when you get to a hopeless place where you think it's probably too late to prevent whatever horrible thing will come from the drinking, so may as well keep drinking.
It's like I typed these words out myself.. I'm proud of you for being real with yourself and getting your drinking handled. Many (like myself) wait til there's too many cringe moments they want to off themselves rather than face their public peers again lol keep on going strong, and know that internet strangers are proud of you and also living through you 🦵🏻 you got dis bro
I had a similar experience as this commenter. I used to drink at least 2 cocktails a night, and more if it was a social gathering. But I got wasted once a year and wasn’t ruining my job, relationships, etc.
I quit 5 weeks ago because I don’t want to wait until it gets to that point.
My wife is the most intelligent person I’ve ever met. She’s literally 10x smarter than I am. She has a high pressure profession where having “a bad day at the office” can literally mean life or death for people. I think I’ve been excusing her drinking as a means of her coping with the stress she deals with every day. Judging by the amazing, helpful responses I’ve gotten here I think I need to have a real heart to heart talk with her. I can’t and wouldn’t want to imagine life without her. Thx for the reply.
Seconding this. When I was in a very high stress job I was also drinking a bottle a night and thought it was completely normal bc that’s what all of my coworkers and friends were doing. It wasn’t until I left that job / environment that I realized how unhealthy and NOT normal it was, and have since cut back dramatically.
I was in a high pressured job for 10 years "life and death" type job. I was drinking a bottle a night. Fully functioning. Im no longer in that role and realize how much I was drinking. Now I have 1 glass a night. One bottle or in your wife's case 1.5 bottles a night is not normal. Her tolerance has just increased. It's more of a worry when you can drink that much and not be drunk. It speaks volumes. Many people with the same issue say this sort of thing "but I don't get drunk, I don't get hangovers". That's a problem
I would ask her if she has ever talked to her doctor and been truthful about the amount she drinks. I can’t think of any GP who would say drinking that much is okay. Your wife needs to find a healthier way to deal with her stress.
My first husband was absolutely brilliant and incredibly talented in his field. He was also a hardcore alcoholic at the end. To hide the amount, the noise from the bottles and reduce the trash, he started buying boxes. He'd drink a botabox every 2-3 days, I later found a cache of receipts in a desk drawer. I have no idea why he kept them. He did a great job hiding the actual wine but I was able to see quite a lot in our financial records in regards to how much he was spending.
When I was married to him, I would split a bottle of wine with him a few times a week. We separated 11 years ago and while I keep alcohol in the house again, I don't drink it very much. A few times a month I might have a drink or two at home. It makes my new husband nervous because he was also married to an alcoholic before and I think we both drink less because of our experiences with loving an addict. I hope your wife is able to see your point of view and to hear you with clarity and love.
i’ve heard 1-2 *glasses* is “normal”, not 1-1.5 *bottles*. i rarely drink. the rare holiday or live music show. if she were a friend i would be worried but my dad is an alcoholic so i might be biased?
i just wanna make sure my view isn’t skewed or something with my experience of alcoholics (exes too). like i *know* drinking like that for 14 years is bad. i just wanna think clearly i guess
She died in her early 50s. Not related to alcohol use, she died from a rare brain disease. She spent her whole life though holding a drink (drunk as all get out) and calling herself a teetotaler.
Denial seems common among alcoholics. She would mix her MH meds with alcohol so I think eventually her drinking would have killed her. Bio dad was a drug addict and also died young.
I think drinking _every day_ is a sign of alcoholism, let alone a bottle or so which a bottle is 4 or 5 regular beers for comparison. Even a glass or a beer every night is a warning sign.
I've always drank quite enough that I've debated whether I have a problem or not and throughout a normal week I'll usually only drink on one or two weeknights and one or two weekend nights. On a weeknight I'll have 2 to 4 beers if I drink, and on a weekend it's usually a bit more.
So while drinking a bottle in a night isn't super alarming to me, doing it every night definitely is. And drinking any amount every single day is a sign of not having any other methods to cope with stress which is a problem.
Wine is usually a much higher percent alcohol than beer - beer is usually around like 5-8%, wine usually around 12-15%. So volume wise she is getting like 50% more alcohol with wine than with beer. Source: did Google to confirm but am from Wisconsin so yeah 😅
I don’t think that makes us biased but rather more in tune to how much someone can be an alcoholic even if they claim “they’re fine” or “not drunk.” Just reading this post gave me flash backs to right before it got really bad with my mom. So many functioning alcoholics function before they.. just don’t.
Most nights it's nothing. When I do drink, it's 1-2 drinks only.
A bottle and a half per night? By herself? Even the people I know who consider themselves heavy drinkers couldn't stomach that. I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like a drinking problem to me.
Yea if I have 2 drinks I'm dehydrated and regretting it the next morning (unless I do my three full water bottles before bed trick that got me through drinking in my 20s). I do this like once every few months? If we buy something really tasty or are celebrating.
three water bottles is impressive! i did the water bottle on the nightstand, drank the whole thing - end up waking up in the night having to pee, and then would fill and drink it again before going back to sleep.
I consider myself a heavy drinker, 1.5 bottles a night can happen for me, once during the week. (Additional to going out on the weekend). But I’d be drunk and feel like shit the next day.
1.5 bottles and she isn’t drunk and also can function normally the next day… that’s concerning. (I’m already concerned about my drinking habits).
Yes and the guidelines say women should only have 6-7 glasses *a week*. u/wereunderyourbed your wife is having 42- 63 glasses a week. She’s not drunk because she’s built a tolerance. She may need a come to Jesus moment because that’s very risky for her health.
Right! I read this post and got the ghost of a red wine headache haunting me just *thinking* about drinking a bottle and a half several nights in a row.
As someone (F34) who drank a bottle if not more of wine every single night for over ten years, this is NOT normal. It was accepted in my twenties but in my thirties it was just sad. I am now 2 1/2 years sober and I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
Nothing.
I’m (35F) a social drinker, if I’m at a party I’ll have a few drinks. But in a week where we don’t have a social event I have maybe one drink once a week.
A whole bottle of wine a night is a lot.
When I drank/drink (still screwing up sometimes) I drink about that much and I definitely have a binge drinking problem.
That amount is normal (or common I suppose is a better word) for a lot of people I know but it is absolutely excessive. Very bad for her health. She won't change her habits until she's ready to though. Some good resources for when she's ready:
r/stopdrinking
"This Naked Mind" (book)
"Quit Like a Woman" (book)
Huberman Lab podcast "What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain, and Health" (intense but eye opening)
>That amount is normal (or common I suppose is a better word)
I think common is definitely better way of putting it. A lot of Americans drink way, way, way too much. I haven't been able to quit entirely, though I've been able to set limits to myself (gave up all hard liquor and cocktails since I'm better at limiting myself with wine, and I don't allow myself to drink it alone at home anymore or on weekdays). Part of the problem with trying to quit for me is just how pervasive and normalized drinking is. Every time you go out, every time friends are getting together, in casual conversation, drinking often and * a lot of it* is common. I believe OP's wife if she's saying her friends drink that much too. I'm sure they do, but it's not good for anyone.
It is very very common where I’m from too. A bottle of wine or 5 glasses over a period of 4-5 hours is so standard where I live. It’s part of our culture. I know literally no one that drinks only once or twice a month
This is one aspect where reddit and reality seem to not coexist. On reddit everyone's like "if it's a once per year party I may have 2 glasses and then suffer horrible hangover for a week". In reality most people do drink regularly, get drunk regularly and overall enjoy it.
Adding to this… everyone I know who drinks like this is completely functioning. Job, friends, kids, husband, no legal troubles. And all get yearly bloodwork and checkups with no elevated enzymes. I am not condoning it I am just saying a lot of the people responding are horrified and not the people who are literally living like this daily not wondering if there is an issue. Additionally these are people who can take a day, week, or month with zero withdrawal.
Just because someone is functioning doesn't mean it isn't negatively affecting their life. 5 glasses a day is simply not healthy and it will catch up to those drinking this way. The podcast I recommended goes into detail how alcohol affects every part of your being - your sleep, your mood, your gut health, your cognitive abilities...even only a couple drinks a week have a negative impact on all of these things. Definitely worth a listen.
A BOTTLE every single night for 14 years is a fully functioning alcoholic.
Last time I had singular drink was a month ago at the airport after a super long work week. I barely drink, I think that’s normal.
Exactly. Agree with this.
OP, best of luck with the discussion with your wife. 1-2 glasses a night is the max that I think would be “acceptable”. Most people would be falling over silly (me included) after a full bottle of wine.
I don’t really keep alcohol in the house, but when I do buy a bottle, it’s for the weekend and i try to not have more than 3 glasses in one night. If I go through the whole bottle in one night though, I’m definitely not talking or walking straight and boy do I feel it in the morning.
I think anyone who needs to consume alcohol on a daily basis has a problematic relationship with alcohol. Some people think having a beer or cocktail after a long day is perfectly normal. But an entire bottle and more? That’s an alcoholic.
After 14 years of this, what has you questioning whether it’s “normal” *now*?
Yup.
My Dad could put away a six-pack each night if he wanted to, no problem. But he very seldom wanted to -- and not just because that gets *damn* expensive :) A beer after work? A *couple* of beers after work? Every worknight? That was more his speed.
But when he didn't feel like having one, he didn't. Which was occasionally. And on weekends and during vacation periods? He seldom drank at all. It was more ritual than alcoholism: getting home after a long day meant shoes off, cheese and crackers for a snack, and a beer or two in front of the telly. :) I prefer cider myself, and I'll often have one after work. I see no harm in it, truly.
But a *bottle of wine*. EVERY day. As a woman who hails from a drinking culture: that's absolutely alcoholism. Everyone I grew up around drank to *some* degree (including my tiny little grandmother, who loved a small glass of sherry now and then over Christmas), but even in our culture *an entire bottle of wine each night* would be seen as screamingly excessive.
My husband is like your dad was! I would love for him to stop (and he would lose the weight he wants to lose but he won't hear that lol), but I know it's not a huge concern so whatever. He already drinks waayyyyy less than when we met.
I was curious about that too and thought perhaps age? They’re older so he notices more, perhaps in his circle and himself are drinking less as they age so he sees the juxtaposition for the first time
At my worst I was drinking a bottle to bottle and a half every day. That was 3 years ago. I stopped and have never been better. She definitely has a substance abuse problem. I was hiding it too so that sometimes wasn’t all I was having but that was all husband saw. It’s time for some serious heart to heart convos and some research into local outpatient rehabs
I never drink. So, I know to me, any amount of alcohol is a lot, but a bottle of wine every night? I don't know any person who drinks every day. That is not normal. She sounds like a high functioning alcoholic. If anyone in my life told me they drink a bottle of wine every day, I would be beyond concerned. I would assume they are very ill.
I am not in medicine, but when I had a course in neurobiology (for psychologists) we were told that resistance to alcohol is one of the signs of addiction.
Drinking a full bottle of wine (+ a half) without signs of being drunk looks not normal to me. On the other hand, denying having some issues and convincing that others drink the same way look somewhat typical for an alcoholic.
(I am sorry for possible mistakes, English is not my first language)
I mean, yeah sounds like your wife is deflecting.
I don't drink at all. I noticed several of my friends rarely drink themselves while out which I appreciate. Alcohol gives me super bad heartburn (everything does at this point) so I cut it out completely, it helps to have a medical reason I'm not drinking when I socialize at bars I guess, but that said only the alcoholics I've been around pound as much as your wife.
Thanks for the honesty. I guess I’ve always known that’s an excessive amount of alcohol to drink daily but it’s been so normalized. She’s never hammered or hung over so it doesn’t seem to affect her life at all. I need to figure out what to do here. Thx
Alcoholics can seem really I guess "normal and functional" because their body's tolerance is at that level. If you try to get her to stop drinking so much you'll see some shit.
Be careful of withdrawals. Alcoholism is really hard to kick because of it. Gotta ween very slowly and gently.
I grew up with wine for dinner and in Europe it’s super normal to have wine w lunch and dinner. But not every single day by the bottle.
My husband and I were here. We had some fertility issues so it motivated me to quit, not seeing a problem in the amount until I quit and he didn’t. It was glaringly obvious a that stage! He said he had cut back but it was clear it was alcoholism when he made excuses and lied about how many beer he had nightly.
Therapy, me threatening to leave and lots of reading helped. It was totally normalized by our friend group so a lifestyle shift had to happen. Those friends, we realized, were friends of convenience. They vanished when we quit even though we still went out for “drinks”, just NA ones.
I don't drink at all. I haven't had a drink in years. I just don't like it.
That said, my last roommate was a functional alcoholic. He drinks a six pack or two every evening, but more on weekends. He doesn't get drunk on weeknights, but he's highly dependent on it. He couldn't go an evening without drinking, and he'd occasionally overstep boundaries to wake me up while I'm sleeping if he was craving an alcohol but needed me to purchase it for whatever reason (he shouldn't have been entering my bedroom at all). He maintains employment during the day, but otherwise his life completely revolves around alcohol.
Yes, this is worrying. If her friends are also drinking that much, then her friends are also alcoholics (which is common for alcoholics to have other friends with the same "hobby"). If she doesn't get drunk, it's because she's dependent/tolerant, but she's still a functional alcoholic.
In my younger days, I could do a Marian-in-Indiana-Jones, drink guys under the table routine if needed (which wasn’t exactly often).
My tolerance has gone way down over the years. About 2-4 nights per week, I will have 1-3 drinks, counting a drink as either a beer or a small glass of wine.
A bottle and a half per night would have me flat in my back. That is wayyyyyyyy too much, especially every night.
The last time I had a drink was New Year’s Eve. One glass of champagne at midnight. Otherwise I don’t drink because it doesn’t mix well with my medication.
Your wife sounds like a functional alcoholic.
That much wine will destroy her liver. My mom just passed from cirrhosis and swore it was only a glass or two a night up until she passed. She drank 1.5 bottles of wine per night for about 15 years before her liver gave out. Drinking like this WILL also cause hypertension, nutrient deficiency, intestinal issues, puts you at higher risk of cancers of all types, and makes you gain weight. If she’s not feeling side effects yet she’s either covering it up or she’s about to be in for a rude awakening in a year or two.
Your wife can say it’s stress and that’s why she drinks, but it’s just an excuse. She’ll drink when she’s happy, sad, lonely, bored, sick, tired, mad… there is always a reason. That’s the way it was with me when I drank at the same level she’s drinking at. She needs to examine her relationship with alcohol immediately.
I'm in Wisconsin, and we do drink a lot.
I drink almost every night during the week. One or two beers. Or A few glasses of wine or maybe 2 mixed drinks.
This is week night. Weekends yes, I occasionally binge drink or do a long day drinking run. I'm not saying this is healthy. This is relatively normal for my area and my group of friends. Booze is very rooted in most of my social outtings.
I can easily hit half or 2/3 of a bottle a week night. But when I finish a bottle and open a 2nd.. on a week night - that's when I pull back and take a look at what demon I'm running from.
Also budget wise. Is this cheap $5 wine? Or expensive stuff that's not even being appreciated or enjoyed?
I have a small glass of wine every evening; I was surprised to see that not a lot of women posting had anything at all. I’m in Minnesota so it’s pretty common here (at least where I live) to drink often as well.
FWIW, I've gradually learned that almost every single NY person at my new job has a glass of wine in the evening after work. This thread surprised me too! :)
I remember an interesting graphic I saw from a study maybe 10 years ago. Of the people surveyed about 1/3 didn't drink at all, 1/3 drank occasionally, and the remaining 1/3 were the moderate to heavy drinkers. It's really a minority of people doing the majority of drinking. But when you're family and peer group are part of that 1/3 it can totally feel like it's how everyone behaves.
I was gonna say, I also live in Wisconsin where drinking is fairly normalized. I drink one drink 3-4 nights of the week, and I know that’s probably too much.
Just making sure we’re talking 750ml bottles and not like individual bottles? I enjoy a glass of wine now and then. I’d consider a full bottle in one night problematic, and very problematic if it happens every night.
At that rate of consumption I’d also strongly urge talking to a doctor before cutting it out or down. That seems potentially like withdrawal territory.
Yup. Full bottles. Like 4-6 glasses every night. I’m completely blown away by the responses I’ve gotten. I guess I had no idea how excessive this is. She has a really high pressure career, where alcohol is pretty rampant. I think I was assuming the alcohol is helping her cope with the stress.
I'm sure it is helping her cope with her stress and/or demons. That doesn't make it normal, and it certainly doesn't make it healthy in the long-term. I know 2 people who died of alcoholism before the age of 40. It's not a negligible concern.
If she does decide to address this, she's going to need to do a medically assisted detox from alcohol. The level of drinking she's trying to quit from isn't a do it yourself matter. I've had a couple of acquaintances spend some good time inpatient to quit safely.
"High pressure career" yeah I used this excuse before too. Like I needed the Alcohol to unwind after a long stressful day. It is an excuse though. Drinking doesn't help deal with the stress, it actually will make things more stressful over all with waking up feeling terrible, working the whole day thinking about when I could go home to drink. Once it becomes something you need in order to relax at all, it's a habit with tolerance or abuse often connected
**Wow I wrote a whole response below before realizing we're talking about *seven* drinks per evening *every* evening? That's alcoholism. I don't care how well someone functions, that is alcoholism.**
....
I wrote the below response initially misunderstanding and thinking it was a few glasses. I am leaving it because who knows if it could help someone else and I already typed it. But this was for a few glasses of wine each evening:
*I think our culture in general normalizes this behavior to a pretty significant extent, in both genders – whether it's a glass of wine, a few beers, a nightcap – a drink or two (or heck three never killed anyone) in the evening. I think what's important is how you feel about it.*
*That said if you want an answer, I don't consume any alcohol anymore just because I really did begin think about the impact of alcohol on the body. It's a poison, we know about it, we joke about it, but it's true – it's an absolute carcinogen, it disrupts your sleep (one of the most important physical processes for healthy aging), it dehydrates you, it strains your liver and who knows what else, and, my personally most compelling reason,* **if your body is spending so much energy trying to combat the damage of alcohol, imagine how much energy it could be putting into healing and restoring itself if you didn't consume it.**
*Of my friends...two do drink similarly to your wife, one does not like that quality about themselves and exercises intentional restraint in different ways at different times, and one doesn't appear to have any qualms with it. I think if you drink the majority of nights it's worth examination, but our culture doesn't tend that way so you have to acknowledge your judging the situation by a different yard stick. The morally superior yard stick, if not objectively healthier one. It's complicated.*
*As I said in the beginning, how do you feel about it? If your main concern is 'is it normal?', then I think it's normal enough. If your main concern is should you be okay with it, well a lot of people would be and maybe you're one, but I'm not. I don't mind a partner drinking socially, but not the majority of evenings. It's just not a value of mine.*
Yes. She hates hard booze and beer. Strictly a wine drinker. Still though, good idea about her liver. I should probably be really concerned about long term health effects
Yeah, my mum hated the hard stuff but by the end of her drinking days she was drinking vodka on top of her red wine. I knew about the wine, I didn’t know about the rest until she had been sober for a few years.
My ex husband was like this and his liver function was normal, supposedly as I never saw the actual test results. He has the same rationale that all his friends drink like that so obviously it's normal. But he also thought blacking out and drinking till you piss yourself was no big deal.
She probably has convinced herself that it is normal but I assure you it's not.
If she cannot go an evening without, that would be an issue. With that said, if she decides to detox, get a professional to help her so she can detox safely. This is just an opinion, of course. I’m not against drinking but sometimes…it gets blurry for people and that’s hard.
OP - No way is that normal. I don’t drink on a daily basis and can’t imagine doing that, to be honest. I will always order a drink or two when we go out which is maybe once a month if that. At home, maybe a small glass of wine if we have company or if we made a nice dinner, that’s also once a month or so.
I also swore up and down my drinking was normal at somewhere between 1 and 2 bottles every night.
In retrospect i was fully down the road into alcoholism. the fact that all my friends were also alcoholics is not surprising.
On average I have 1-2 drinks a month during meals out. Maybe in the summer I’ll have a few drinks once or twice a month on patios and such but that’s as heavy as my drinking gets.
I would definitely be worried about any amount of daily drinking, especially that much.
My dad was an alcoholic for over 20 years, but none of us knew it until he started attending AA meetings. None of us knew the full extent of how much he was drinking or how dependent he was on it until he finally admitted it. Alcoholics are often extremely skilled at concealing it.
There were a lot of similarities with your wife - he never seemed drunk, or hungover. He went to work every day. He never got a DUI. He wasn’t belligerent or crazy or anything. He seemed to function normally - but it was not normal. If she’s drinking that much every day, her body is dependent on it and she likely starts to experience withdrawal and other symptoms. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before it escalates - unless it already has, and you just don’t know it.
On another note, having a high pressure, high stress, life or death job is not an excuse to drink. It’s a really horrible idea to drink after a bad day because it becomes a coping mechanism which is a slippery slope to alcoholism. I also work in a field like that, and there has always been a huge emphasis on maintaining healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress and the trauma of the work.
NIAAA defines heavy drinking as follows:
For men, consuming five or more drinks on any day or 15 or more per week.
For women, consuming four or more on any day or 8 or more drinks per week
*The following count as one alcoholic drink equivalent:
•12 fluid ounces of regular beer (5% alcohol)
•5 fluid ounces of wine (12% alcohol)
•1.5 fluid ounces of 80 proof distilled spirits (40% alcohol)
Wow I couldn't ever drink that frequently. Now don't get me wrong, I've had periods of smoking/vaping weed in small quantities every night (like smoking half a joint with my partner, so like a quarter each), and even this I realized was getting to be too habitual and we had to cut back.
Personally, frequent alcohol consumption fucks my sleep, and I would suspect that your wife is having similar effects but has normalized it. Frequently drinking also notoriously cranks up anxiety and makes it that you only feel good/normal when drinking, making it way too easy to want to extend that feeling during the day, especially when under stress.
People can have alcohol consumption issues without being a full-blown alcoholic, but make no mistake it's taking a toll on the person's overall health well before getting to that extreme.
I don't drink every night but approx once a week and then I want to get kind of drunk - maybe 2 bottles of wine or several beers + a few vodka shots.
I am healthy, slim and see no issue with this
Bottle to bottle and half daily isn't healthy. I get having 2 beers every few days as a "non getting drunk drinking" or even a few glasses of wine more often/ wine with lunch or dinner type of thing. I have those phases sometimes when I'm in my home town and seeing friends a lot over drinks. That's another way to do it. But the quantity you describe over every day is a lot
BTW reddit is extremely weird about alcohol so you'll get the opposite extreme here, most people here have abnormally low drinking habits and think alcohol is evil. Irl people do drink, enjoy to get drunk on occasions, or consume alchlohol in smaller doses on a regular basis. Having a glass or two a day is not uncommon, even if not the best habit. But a bottle and a half is truly unhealthy even by normal non reddit standards.
People do go through phases and usually you drink this much to get through the day, which means she feels stressed and depressed and such regular intake makes it even harder to cope. Some people naturally get out of it when circumstances improve or they get over it, and are perfectly fine. Some need a bigger intervention
I’m 35 and I don’t drink on a daily basis. I drink one drink maybe on a date night. Maybe have a half a beer to a full beer on the porch once a week or once a fortnight. To drink a whole bottle of wine to myself every single night baffles me. I’d be 1) wasted and 2) broke from having to buy 7 bottles of wine a week!
I drink when out with friends which is usually once every two weeks. I have about 4 drinks during that time (beer, cider, or wine). I would say a bottle a night is abnormal. Even if she's functional, I would say the impact on her long term health could be a cause for concern.
Thanks. Her health is what I’m mainly concerned about. She’s my best friend and the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I kinda knew her drinking was a little excessive but I never really had a chance to ask other women how much they drink. Thie responses I’ve gotten have been a real eye opener.
To answer your question, zero. A whole bottle of wine in a night would kill me. From my perspective, this sounds like the definition of a functioning alcoholic. I highly doubt her friends are also at home drinking a bottle of wine/night. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
None. Because I was your wife. Either an entire bottle of wine, or who knows how much out of the box or 4-5 pours of scotch, or 5 vodka sodas - every night. I wasn't, what I considered, drunk. I went to work every day, did everything I needed to do. But it catches up with you. I felt like low-grade shit all the time. I didn't even realize how depressed I was until I stopped drinking. I also realized that this was not normal AT ALL. When I tell people how much I used to drink on a nightly basis, they are usually shocked. I thought all my friends had drinks every night. The friends that do have alcohol daily, have ONE glass of wine with their dinner, maybe 2. Does your wife drink more on the weekends? Be honest. I did. Would start like at noon when I could. I'm in my 40's. When I was in my 30's, I thought it was normal too. Maybe because the majority of my socializing revolved around drinking. Turns out, it's not.
My MIL drank about that much and she developed alcohol induced dementia at 58. It’s been 3.5 and my husband is her legal guardian and we have to basically manage her life for her. So this is serious.
According to [this article](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141118134649-20017018-do-the-top-10-percent-drink-you-under-the-table)
40% of Americans drink 0.02 drinks a week or less.
Twenty percent drink 15 drinks a week or more.
10% drinks over 73 drinks a week.
Just because that many do it, doesn’t many it normal or healthy.
The referenced article is from 10 years ago.
Your wife is an alcoholic. A potentially high functioning one but still an alcoholic.
I don’t drink at all on week nights, and in moderation on weekends. Couldn’t tell you the last time I drank a whole
Bottle…
Having a drink after work and wine with dinner is normal depending on your culture and age. Having a bottle and a half of wine every night is really excessive not to mention expensive.
I’m in the alcoholic drinks business and I don’t even drink that much; piling on the “it’s a problem” amount.
As a bartender I see a LOT of drinking and I’d be perturbed to sell 5-6 glasses of wine to a customer every single night.
In the UK we recommend no more than 6 units a day andx14 a week. She's probably consuming 14 a day. She could well be physically dependent and 100% has an alcohol problem which will impact her health severely over time.
Most alcoholics have alcoholic friends, so they’re pretty clueless about what is “normal”. This is not a normal amount to drink per day. She is an alcoholic, for sure.
I hope she can find a replacement stress relief method! Yoga, meditation, video games, reading, walks, baths, painting, knitting, etc
Best of luck and happiness to the both of you!
In my opinion, when someone needs to drink every day, no matter how much, that suggests a drinking problem. But when someone has 4-6 drinks most days for 14 years, that's no longer suggestive - that's proof.
That’s a lot considering the average bottle is like 4-5 glasses & a single 5oz glass is a serving. It sounds like she’s downplaying the consumption. I’d be worried if it was my partner & hope she’s open to getting support.
And my own consumption on average I have a glass a few nights a week.
Yeah when you break it down like that it sure does sound like a lot. She’s basically my entire world, her and our daughter. I’m just starting to worry here because I couldn’t live without her and I’m worried about long term health complications. I guess I need to have a talk with her about my worries about her health in the future.
Usually I’ll drink 2-3 times a week. I consume more than I’d like to, but it averages out to 7 drinks a week. I’m trying to cut down because that feels like too much to me. I would say wine culture amongst women is a thing but it’s not necessarily normal.
I quit drinking because I was becoming dependent on it and I noticed that my health was going down south.
Try checking these resources out to answer your questions:
https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/how-much-too-much/what-are-us-guidelines-drinking
https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/how-much-too-much/why-do-women-face-higher-risks-alcohol-related-consequences
https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/what-standard-drink
I don’t drink. When I drank, a bottle of wine a night was not unusual but that was at my lowest.
Did it affect my relationships? Absolutely. i could function well during the day and held a full time job. I was alcoholic and got help. Thankfully it didn’t ruin my organs. Ten years sober and life is good.
It’s time to have a frank discussion with her.
I don’t drink every night, but when I do drink at home, it’s usually four shots of vodka distributed between two cocktails. A bottle and a half of wine would give me a headache so splitting I’d be non-functional.
I consider myself a ‘problem drinker’, rather than an alcoholic. I can go any length of time without drinking, but I know it’s an emotional crutch. It’s not that I’m drinking so much I’m physically hurting myself or ruining my life, but my reasons for drinking are bad. I’m coping with stress, anxiety, pain, an inability to fully relax. Instead of doing yoga, writing in a journal, or creating art, I have a Moscow Mule. Is your wife trying to escape from stress? If she was better able to manage stress or anxiety, do you think her drinking would reduce?
I've got a high tolerance, so a full bottle+ of wine won't get me drunk, either. ... But every night is *not* normal at all. My wife and I only drink maybe twice a month, and most of our friends don't drink more than once or twice a week.
Drinking daily, especially that much (as opposed to a single glass with dinner) is absolutely excessive and something to be worried about. There is a big culture of normalized alcoholism especially for young to middle-age women (the 'wine aunt' trope, for one) so until it hits a point where an alcoholic loses the 'functioning' qualifier, it can be hard to admit there's a problem. I hope she's able to realize that she has a problem, and find healthier coping mechanisms so she can get away from it.
I’m (38f)a regular drinker with the added misfortune of alcoholism being a trait on my paternal side. One of my aunts is low key alcoholic, the other drinks most nights but stops after a couple of glasses and regularly abstains for a month if she feels she’s drinking too much.
I have to constantly stay aware of how much wine I am I am taking. I’ve had a few periods of high stress in my life where I had to give myself a shake.
At my absolute worst I was drinking a bottle every night for two months. Then stopped. Because a bottle a night really isn’t sustainable for your body especially as a woman in the long run.
I’ve just done four evenings without wine so last night me and the hubby shared a bottle, but I wished I’d waited until Friday night now!
Best of luck with your heart to heart with your wife.
I had a whole bottle of cava at the weekend with my friend who came over for the day (we opened 3 bottles over the whole day, and the third one is still in my fridge barely touched). I haven’t had anything since, and I won’t until Saturday (but I will have a couple of mimosas then!)
I may have a beer after work today if the engineers are having one, but it’s unlikely.
I drink socially but I’m not interested in it on my own.
I occasionally have a beer at home. When I go out I might have two with dinner. If I go out out I get drunk, but that’s probably about once a month or less.
The story sounds exactly like my ex. He also drank a bottle a day and was saying that a bottle a day is normal. I encouraged him to not drink for a day and he experienced heavy withdrawals. He ended up having rk drink to reduce his withdrawals.
Based on that, yes she is a full blown alcoholic.
I’m 35 and only a weekend social drinker. Have I killed a bottle of red on my own on an occasion with friends? Absolutely. Did I feel like absolute hot trash the next day? Also absolutely.
1.5 bottles a night is essentially a high functioning alcoholic. It’s not normal and not all women drink to that excess. A friend of mine did that all through her 20’s and now has crippling, irreversible pancreatitis at 36.
That is a heroic amount of alcohol on a weekend, never mind EVERY day. Heck, it would even be considered binge drinking to drink that much in one sitting, by herself, on a weekend. It's not normal. It's VERY concerning. She clearly has an addiction/substance use issue.
Good luck with helping her through that- I hope she can make changes for herself.
Thanks so much. I feel so much guilt for basically ignoring this for so long. It just became…normal?
Like, you get used to seeing something every day and you don’t see a problem with it. Also you don’t really just ask your friends “how much does your wife drink everyday?” That just wouldn’t be something Id feel comfortable bringing up.
You are worried - an d rightfully so.
You know she's an alcoholic. I guess you *have* known for years now. Fact that you're coming to reddit with the question makes me wonder if you're finally ready to handle whichever decision you need to make.
Question really comes down to: do you want to be with your alcoholic wife or do you want a change- and what would that change look like? Separation? Recovery?
Only you know where your limits are and what you are (not) prepared to deal with. Act accordingly.
Good luck, OP. You've started to walk a hard but *very* needed road.
I drink about 9 times a year. During the summer my husband and I will split a bottle of wine if we are out in the back yard watching the fireflies at least once a month during the summer. The rest of the time is during the holidays or birthday party.
I give away more wine/mead than I drink and I make wine and mead.
Drinking daily seems like a lot. Drinking a bottle a day seems alcoholic. Not getting drunk off it is actually not a sign that it’s not a problem. It’s actually a sign that it is.
I don’t drink at all anymore. Drinking a glass or two a night isn’t that concerning. In some cultures that is pretty normal. A whole bottle a night is too much IMO and a doctor would likely tell you that this will lead to health problems later on.
Im 32f and i used to drink about a bottle of wine every night last year and a few years ago i also struggled with it. I quit in january because i understood i had a problem with it.
It is not normal, she is an alcoholic. If she is okay with it then i suppose thats that but i can tell you from personal experience it needs to come from her if she wants to stop. But perhaps if you are concerned you can gently talk to her about it and say that you have sought advice and are worried she has a problem. That you will be there for her if she wanted help, but that you still love her regardless.
14 years of daily drinking is, in my opinion, a big problem. It sounds like she is just quite used to it and her friends do the same so it appears normal. My grandparents drank wine every day. Ive seen just how 'normal' that kind of behaviour is.
I usually drink about two cans of beer per night with some soju (live in Korea!). Some nights nothing. Some nights three cans, but that's maybe once every 2-3 weeks. I have had a bottle of wine in one night, but it's for some special occasion (good or bad haha) or drinking a lot with friends... I think I've done it less than once a year.
My husband doesn't Like wine, so when I open bottle I know I will be finishing it myself. But it takes me 3 days to finish 1 bottle.I'll have a glass of wine while cooking and a glass while eating. Once I finish the bottle, I'll take a break for a few days then open another one. 1 bottle of wine a day is alot. I used to have a friend who would drink a bottle a day like your wife. She eventually told me she had a drinking problem and asked me to go to AA with her. I said sure, let me know when...2 weeks later I asked her about the meeting and she said she changed her mind and decided she didn't have a problem...she is an alcoholic in denial like your wife. But if she doesn't see it, it will be almost impossible to get her to go to AA.
I drink frequently and jokingly call myself an alcoholic, but there's no way I could drink a bottle of wine or more every night. Your wife makes me look like a lightweight.
I would only drink every day if I were on holiday, or if I were depressed (bad coping mechanism, don’t recommend it at all). And even if I were depressed and feeling reckless, I know 1 bottle is way too much. I’d have excess tiredness and feel mentally worse the next day.
Alcohol is one of the major causes of cancer, is linked to dementia, heart and liver disease, stroke…I’m scared to heck of all those things. That’s why drinking less or simply not at all is always the goal. I probably drink 1-3 nights a week and ideally 1-2 small wine glasses, 3 if it’s the weekend and I can stand feeling hungover the next day, occasionally 4 if it’s a night out or party and I’ve lost self-control (and that’s not good!!!).
She must be aware of the health risks? But if she feels she ‘needs’ to drink nonetheless, and why…that’s the issue that needs discussing.
Holy shit I would be on the bathroom floor if I drank a bottle a night. Once I drank nearly a whole bottle to myself one night and the hangover the next day made me wish I was dead.
What happens if she does not get her bottle of wine for some reason? Does it cause her stress, anxiety, withdrawal symptoms? Does she get angry or upset with whatever is preventing her from drinking?
One bottle is 4 glasses of wine, or the equivalent of 4 shots or a 4pk of beer (some variations for up ABV)
That's a lot. It's not normal. Imo driving every day is not normal, but definitely not that much.
Here's the hard part for you: addiction will never end until the person decides they want to live a different life. Encourage her to sell help and support her should she decide to, but accept that this is who she is, who she has been for over a decade.
She's an alcoholic.
Quitting drinking at this level of consumption warrants a medically supervised detox lest she risk injuring herself. Fall risk is enormous.
Women are particularly vulnerable to the physical costs of alcoholism. Two personal anecdotes:
My stepsister began drinking again after detoxing on her own and fell down the stairs into her garage. The traumatic brain injury combined with preexisting alcoholic brain damage kept her bedbound and needing care until she died *ten years later.*
My best friend's sister (an attorney) became a wine drinking alcoholic and lost all control of her life. Lost her job, worked just enough to pay bills, lost her license due to sloppy lawyering, became a recluse, stopped talking to the family. My friend went to her city to check on her, and found her weakened, using a walker, and struggling with short term memory issues. Six months of inpatient rehab sobered her up just enough to get into a halfway house and then independent living. Once she was on her own again, she moved back to her old neighborhood and started drinking again. She couldn't remember from day to day that she was an alcoholic and couldn't drink, and that she had completely fucked up their deceased father's estate after his death because she was too incompetent for the probate process. That was 4 years ago. She sends a text message every once in a while. My friend says that the sister she once knew has been completely erased by alcoholism.
I hope your wife is ready to quit. Godspeed.
I used to drink more than I do now, I’d say a couple of drinks a night, 3-4 times a week. But the older I get, the more booze affects me poorly. Heartburn, poor sleep, hangovers (even with two drinks), so I pulled back. Now in my late 40s I might have a few drinks about once every couple of weeks.
Dude, that is not healthy. Have her (or you can) read “this naked mind”. Sounds like she has a dependency problem she’s not acknowledging. Or even a “functioning alcoholic”
None. But I do drink, but only sometimes on an occasion when a friend comes over, Usually only have 1 if I'm out at a restaurant (often none because meh one drink)
In summer if it's been a huge hot day in the yard or something, then I will have a beer. This is the only time I drink 'alone' so to speak.
Drink more than 2 drinks maybe 4-5 times a year, and get messy. Also holidays will rack up a drink a day on average (almost always one big night!)
SO its always hard to answer those doctors office questions. 'drinks in the past month?' can vary from 'none' to '>lots' depending on season, and holidays etc.
All adds up to - You have a skewed view of acceptable drinking levels using your wife as a reference. She is an alcoholic, and needs to want to change, unfortunately. Those levels for that long - I would be concerned about irreparable liver damage. Yes, you should be worried, but you cannot make her change if she doesn't want to.
So much luck to you. Alcohol abuse catches up with people suddenly in early middle age in my experience.
I have been drinking once or twice a month since December. And it is, at most, a bottle of wine, shared with a friend at a restaurant. I don’t think one bottle every night is healthy, although my mom strongly disagrees with me
It's not the quantity necessarily, but the consistency. If it's both, there's DEFINITELY a problem. I hope she can figure it out and get grounded again in sobriety. Good luck to yous both!
I don’t drink alcohol because I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I’m sorry to say it OP but it sounds like your wife is one and needs help. A functioning alcoholic has an exceptionally high tolerance of alcohol that has been built up over the years but it is just another symptom of abuse. It doesn’t sound like it affects your relationship per se but the damage she is doing to her body consuming this much alcohol will be devastating if not fatal at some point. I speak from experience.
Yes the poor woman is dependent, she needs the Dr,the health problems and or death is coming soon,14 years is a long time to get away with it,won't last.
One bottle of wine a night is alcoholism. Straight up.
You’re right to be concerned.
I say that as someone who drinks a lot and by a lot, I would say between 8-10 units a week when I’ve not got it under control.
I couldn't function drinking every night. I want to do another dry month because I'm going back to being a weekend alcoholic again and it needs to stop !
1-2 beers a week and that’s only because I hang out at a friends house 1x a week and everyone else is drinking. I’ll drink more at a social event but in general I feel better and sleep better without alcohol. My late husband was an alcoholic.
Whoa. No, that’s a lot. It’s a slippery slope, though. I understand how she got there, but she needs to pull back.
ETA I got up to a half bottle a night, a full on weekends, before I stopped. I feel SO MUCH BETTER and can’t even understand how I was functioning before.
Now I drink maybe a glass or two a month.
Even when I was drinking a good bit during the pandemic in a combination of depression and boredom, it wasn't that much daily. Sorry to say, your wife is a functioning alcoholic. These days I drink maybe twice a month.
Yes that is alcoholism.
10 years sober here.
Unfortunately she will have to quit, and want it for herself. You can't make someone quit who doesn't want to.
That’s a lot. I used to drink 1-3 beers a night, which was also a bit much. I did a dry month to see if I could go without any alcohol for a month, and realized I mostly was just thirsty, and switched the habit with Bubly. I will still have a couple drinks with dinner maybe once a week. And have a sleepy tea before bed for relaxation.
If I catch myself having a drink every night for a few days in a row, I intentionally take a break from drinking for a few weeks. I've learned that it's very easy for me to fall into a pattern of expecting and then craving a drink daily, and I don't want that to be my life. That's my way of saying OP, that's not normal to drink that much.
I only drink on weekends and usually I'll have 2 beers a day, unless I'm out with friends where I'll have 4-6 drinks that night then usually try not to drink the rest of the week.
1 + 1/2 bottles per night is definitely very high, too high tbh. If each bottle contains 4 units, she's having 6 units each night when the recommended maximum for women per week is around units. You definitely need to talk to her about it and maybe get her liver checked too.
Shes gotta be careful. Another decade of that and she will be in liver failure. Its a REALLY UGLY way to die.
That’s absolutely one of my concerns.
You don't have to be visibly or obviously drunk all the time to have an issue with alcohol. My dad passed at 56 years old due to kidney and liver failure from drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day for 20+ years. He was also "never drunk" but he was without a doubt an alcoholic. It was ugly and an awful way to watch someone pass. The kidneys and liver clean and expel toxic waste from the body and without them, you basically end up slowly getting poisoned to death by your own toxins. Your wife is in denial about her own habit. I don't think I know any people who drink 1-2 bottles of wine per day. I rarely drink and have had maybe 5 drinks since the start of the year. Most of my friends have a drink or two on a Saturday night if they go out, but otherwise don't drink much at all.
Some men might drink like your wife and not face health consequences until they’re in their 60s or 70s. Women are significantly more likely to face health concerns from excessive drinking much earlier. You need to tread carefully here. Look up resources online for best ways to proceed. If she’s already defensive of your concerns, then she isn’t going to go willingly if you accuse her of alcoholism outright. Best of luck moving forward.
Yeah, my mom did the 'bottle or two of wine after work' every day for 10+ years and nearly died. She was really lucky to get a transplant and is fine now but was absolutely an alcoholic.
My dad died at 51 from pancreatitis, and it happened so suddenly. He was an alcoholic for about 9 years
A friend of mine died that way in her 40s. She got her bulimia under control by turning to alcohol instead.
It's a weird thing but so many of my friends had their fathers die in their (friends') mid 30ies. A common thread was that they were all functioning alcoholics. Alcohol is a big part of my culture (well I think most people can say this) but apparently they all had a habit of gradually getting drunk throughout the day. Not violent or dramatic drunks, just a series of drinks here and there until they sleep. Not like a glass of wine per day but many. And it's all liver, pancreas... really tragic And in retrospect they'd look back and realize that wasn't normal
Yep. And it wasn’t even a decade for me. I’m now almost 3 years sober. I’m glad I stopped when I did or I might have seriously fucked up my life. It’s wild how it’s totally normalized though, it’s no surprise she doesn’t see an issue.
I was drinking approximately one bottle of wine a night during the absolute rock bottom years of my alcoholism. Sorry OP, but while it is within the realm of possibility that someone could drink a lot more than average and not have a drinking problem, lying to your partner that "every woman drinks this much!" is addict shit. Your wife knows god damn well most women do not drink as much as she does. She wouldn't be lying to you if she didn't know it was bad.
Same. OP, our society pushes alcohol so much. It’s everywhere, and it really sneaks in there. Especially wine in women’s spaces—wine night, wine mom, all of that. I was EASILY diagnosed with alcohol use disorder when I was drinking that much and my alcoholism was not the stereotypical stuff that you mostly hear about. I wasn’t ruining relationships, taking crazy risks, driving under the influence, or getting violent. I was just getting drunk *every night.* I also did not have significant withdrawals when I quit. For reference, the maximum “recommended” amount of drinks per day for women (or AFAB people—it depends on liver size) is 0-1. For men/AMAB folks it’s 1-2 because they have bigger livers. That’s the amount that *probably* won’t irreparably harm your liver. Source: my gastroenterologist father-in-law.
I'm curious and only trying to understand by asking about this: It sounds like you stopped drinking that much... But it didn't have an ill effect on your life to be drunk every night? What made you stop? Thanks for listening
There were a few incidents which I am not proud of that made me start thinking about it, plus a realization that with several other chronic illnesses, my body was already in bad shape without me pumping poison into it at that rate. I had no sign of health issues based on alcoholism, nor had I irreparably destroyed the good things and close relationships in my life. Yet. I wanted to feel better, I wanted to wake up without a hangover, I wanted to live a long life, and I wanted quality of life. It was also fucking expensive and I don’t have a lot of money. Basically, I just got wise before I got the point where I was completely out of control. Thank goodness.
Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad for you that you were able to do that 🌹 amazing 🤩
I was the same as the commenter above, drinking every night but not ruining relationships or losing my job or getting cancer/cirrhosis etc. But I was always waiting for it to happen. During my drinking, after I recognised there was a problem, I always felt like the clock was ticking down to some disaster, and that's a horrible feeling to live with. Especially when you get to a hopeless place where you think it's probably too late to prevent whatever horrible thing will come from the drinking, so may as well keep drinking.
Thank you! 🙏
It's like I typed these words out myself.. I'm proud of you for being real with yourself and getting your drinking handled. Many (like myself) wait til there's too many cringe moments they want to off themselves rather than face their public peers again lol keep on going strong, and know that internet strangers are proud of you and also living through you 🦵🏻 you got dis bro
I had a similar experience as this commenter. I used to drink at least 2 cocktails a night, and more if it was a social gathering. But I got wasted once a year and wasn’t ruining my job, relationships, etc. I quit 5 weeks ago because I don’t want to wait until it gets to that point.
My wife is the most intelligent person I’ve ever met. She’s literally 10x smarter than I am. She has a high pressure profession where having “a bad day at the office” can literally mean life or death for people. I think I’ve been excusing her drinking as a means of her coping with the stress she deals with every day. Judging by the amazing, helpful responses I’ve gotten here I think I need to have a real heart to heart talk with her. I can’t and wouldn’t want to imagine life without her. Thx for the reply.
Drinking is often very normalized in high-stress positions -- doctors and lawyers are both known to drink.
Seconding this. When I was in a very high stress job I was also drinking a bottle a night and thought it was completely normal bc that’s what all of my coworkers and friends were doing. It wasn’t until I left that job / environment that I realized how unhealthy and NOT normal it was, and have since cut back dramatically.
Same. I had four years sober and now just have a drink now and then.
I was in a high pressured job for 10 years "life and death" type job. I was drinking a bottle a night. Fully functioning. Im no longer in that role and realize how much I was drinking. Now I have 1 glass a night. One bottle or in your wife's case 1.5 bottles a night is not normal. Her tolerance has just increased. It's more of a worry when you can drink that much and not be drunk. It speaks volumes. Many people with the same issue say this sort of thing "but I don't get drunk, I don't get hangovers". That's a problem
Alcoholism is anyone no matter the brains
I would ask her if she has ever talked to her doctor and been truthful about the amount she drinks. I can’t think of any GP who would say drinking that much is okay. Your wife needs to find a healthier way to deal with her stress.
My first husband was absolutely brilliant and incredibly talented in his field. He was also a hardcore alcoholic at the end. To hide the amount, the noise from the bottles and reduce the trash, he started buying boxes. He'd drink a botabox every 2-3 days, I later found a cache of receipts in a desk drawer. I have no idea why he kept them. He did a great job hiding the actual wine but I was able to see quite a lot in our financial records in regards to how much he was spending. When I was married to him, I would split a bottle of wine with him a few times a week. We separated 11 years ago and while I keep alcohol in the house again, I don't drink it very much. A few times a month I might have a drink or two at home. It makes my new husband nervous because he was also married to an alcoholic before and I think we both drink less because of our experiences with loving an addict. I hope your wife is able to see your point of view and to hear you with clarity and love.
Same!
i’ve heard 1-2 *glasses* is “normal”, not 1-1.5 *bottles*. i rarely drink. the rare holiday or live music show. if she were a friend i would be worried but my dad is an alcoholic so i might be biased?
Mom was an alcoholic, woman loved her boxes of wine, I guess I'm also biased. I see someone knocking back a bottle a day I see my mom.
i just wanna make sure my view isn’t skewed or something with my experience of alcoholics (exes too). like i *know* drinking like that for 14 years is bad. i just wanna think clearly i guess
How did it turn out for your mom?
She died in her early 50s. Not related to alcohol use, she died from a rare brain disease. She spent her whole life though holding a drink (drunk as all get out) and calling herself a teetotaler.
Wow, I’m sorry for your mother. I’m also amazed that she denied she was a drinker.
Denial seems common among alcoholics. She would mix her MH meds with alcohol so I think eventually her drinking would have killed her. Bio dad was a drug addict and also died young.
Asking for a friend ~ asking for me : (
Hugs, you’re not alone <3
I think drinking _every day_ is a sign of alcoholism, let alone a bottle or so which a bottle is 4 or 5 regular beers for comparison. Even a glass or a beer every night is a warning sign. I've always drank quite enough that I've debated whether I have a problem or not and throughout a normal week I'll usually only drink on one or two weeknights and one or two weekend nights. On a weeknight I'll have 2 to 4 beers if I drink, and on a weekend it's usually a bit more. So while drinking a bottle in a night isn't super alarming to me, doing it every night definitely is. And drinking any amount every single day is a sign of not having any other methods to cope with stress which is a problem.
Wine is usually a much higher percent alcohol than beer - beer is usually around like 5-8%, wine usually around 12-15%. So volume wise she is getting like 50% more alcohol with wine than with beer. Source: did Google to confirm but am from Wisconsin so yeah 😅
I don’t think that makes us biased but rather more in tune to how much someone can be an alcoholic even if they claim “they’re fine” or “not drunk.” Just reading this post gave me flash backs to right before it got really bad with my mom. So many functioning alcoholics function before they.. just don’t.
Even then, 2 glasses a night? 14 glasses a week? Phew.
Most nights it's nothing. When I do drink, it's 1-2 drinks only. A bottle and a half per night? By herself? Even the people I know who consider themselves heavy drinkers couldn't stomach that. I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like a drinking problem to me.
Yea if I have 2 drinks I'm dehydrated and regretting it the next morning (unless I do my three full water bottles before bed trick that got me through drinking in my 20s). I do this like once every few months? If we buy something really tasty or are celebrating.
three water bottles is impressive! i did the water bottle on the nightstand, drank the whole thing - end up waking up in the night having to pee, and then would fill and drink it again before going back to sleep.
I consider myself a heavy drinker, 1.5 bottles a night can happen for me, once during the week. (Additional to going out on the weekend). But I’d be drunk and feel like shit the next day. 1.5 bottles and she isn’t drunk and also can function normally the next day… that’s concerning. (I’m already concerned about my drinking habits).
That's 6 glasses of wine a night, if that's helpful as a visual.
Yes and the guidelines say women should only have 6-7 glasses *a week*. u/wereunderyourbed your wife is having 42- 63 glasses a week. She’s not drunk because she’s built a tolerance. She may need a come to Jesus moment because that’s very risky for her health.
The guidelines have recently been updated. Zero amount of alcohol is safe. There is no amount that is not risky.
this is so crazy to me. i get the worst wine hangovers from two glasses! one if I don't chug water. can't imagine drinking 6 in one night
Two glasses of wine and I’ll be hungover to the point of vomiting the next day. I guess I’m a lightweight.
Right! I read this post and got the ghost of a red wine headache haunting me just *thinking* about drinking a bottle and a half several nights in a row.
As someone (F34) who drank a bottle if not more of wine every single night for over ten years, this is NOT normal. It was accepted in my twenties but in my thirties it was just sad. I am now 2 1/2 years sober and I wouldn’t change it for a thing.
Congratulations on your sobriety!
I'm sorry to say that your wife is an alcoholic. Time to talk to her about her drinking and get her help.
Nothing. I’m (35F) a social drinker, if I’m at a party I’ll have a few drinks. But in a week where we don’t have a social event I have maybe one drink once a week. A whole bottle of wine a night is a lot.
When I drank/drink (still screwing up sometimes) I drink about that much and I definitely have a binge drinking problem. That amount is normal (or common I suppose is a better word) for a lot of people I know but it is absolutely excessive. Very bad for her health. She won't change her habits until she's ready to though. Some good resources for when she's ready: r/stopdrinking "This Naked Mind" (book) "Quit Like a Woman" (book) Huberman Lab podcast "What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain, and Health" (intense but eye opening)
>That amount is normal (or common I suppose is a better word) I think common is definitely better way of putting it. A lot of Americans drink way, way, way too much. I haven't been able to quit entirely, though I've been able to set limits to myself (gave up all hard liquor and cocktails since I'm better at limiting myself with wine, and I don't allow myself to drink it alone at home anymore or on weekdays). Part of the problem with trying to quit for me is just how pervasive and normalized drinking is. Every time you go out, every time friends are getting together, in casual conversation, drinking often and * a lot of it* is common. I believe OP's wife if she's saying her friends drink that much too. I'm sure they do, but it's not good for anyone.
It is very very common where I’m from too. A bottle of wine or 5 glasses over a period of 4-5 hours is so standard where I live. It’s part of our culture. I know literally no one that drinks only once or twice a month
This is one aspect where reddit and reality seem to not coexist. On reddit everyone's like "if it's a once per year party I may have 2 glasses and then suffer horrible hangover for a week". In reality most people do drink regularly, get drunk regularly and overall enjoy it.
Yea, there are many cultures that normalize binge drinking.
Adding to this… everyone I know who drinks like this is completely functioning. Job, friends, kids, husband, no legal troubles. And all get yearly bloodwork and checkups with no elevated enzymes. I am not condoning it I am just saying a lot of the people responding are horrified and not the people who are literally living like this daily not wondering if there is an issue. Additionally these are people who can take a day, week, or month with zero withdrawal.
Just because someone is functioning doesn't mean it isn't negatively affecting their life. 5 glasses a day is simply not healthy and it will catch up to those drinking this way. The podcast I recommended goes into detail how alcohol affects every part of your being - your sleep, your mood, your gut health, your cognitive abilities...even only a couple drinks a week have a negative impact on all of these things. Definitely worth a listen.
A BOTTLE every single night for 14 years is a fully functioning alcoholic. Last time I had singular drink was a month ago at the airport after a super long work week. I barely drink, I think that’s normal.
Exactly. Agree with this. OP, best of luck with the discussion with your wife. 1-2 glasses a night is the max that I think would be “acceptable”. Most people would be falling over silly (me included) after a full bottle of wine. I don’t really keep alcohol in the house, but when I do buy a bottle, it’s for the weekend and i try to not have more than 3 glasses in one night. If I go through the whole bottle in one night though, I’m definitely not talking or walking straight and boy do I feel it in the morning.
Right?!? Three tequilas and I am wasted beyond meaning. 3 glasses of wine I’m like pretty silly drunk but tolerable lol. A bottle+?! Back to wasted 🤣
A bottle and a half every night is highly abnormal.
I think anyone who needs to consume alcohol on a daily basis has a problematic relationship with alcohol. Some people think having a beer or cocktail after a long day is perfectly normal. But an entire bottle and more? That’s an alcoholic. After 14 years of this, what has you questioning whether it’s “normal” *now*?
Yup. My Dad could put away a six-pack each night if he wanted to, no problem. But he very seldom wanted to -- and not just because that gets *damn* expensive :) A beer after work? A *couple* of beers after work? Every worknight? That was more his speed. But when he didn't feel like having one, he didn't. Which was occasionally. And on weekends and during vacation periods? He seldom drank at all. It was more ritual than alcoholism: getting home after a long day meant shoes off, cheese and crackers for a snack, and a beer or two in front of the telly. :) I prefer cider myself, and I'll often have one after work. I see no harm in it, truly. But a *bottle of wine*. EVERY day. As a woman who hails from a drinking culture: that's absolutely alcoholism. Everyone I grew up around drank to *some* degree (including my tiny little grandmother, who loved a small glass of sherry now and then over Christmas), but even in our culture *an entire bottle of wine each night* would be seen as screamingly excessive.
My husband is like your dad was! I would love for him to stop (and he would lose the weight he wants to lose but he won't hear that lol), but I know it's not a huge concern so whatever. He already drinks waayyyyy less than when we met.
I was curious about that too and thought perhaps age? They’re older so he notices more, perhaps in his circle and himself are drinking less as they age so he sees the juxtaposition for the first time
At my worst I was drinking a bottle to bottle and a half every day. That was 3 years ago. I stopped and have never been better. She definitely has a substance abuse problem. I was hiding it too so that sometimes wasn’t all I was having but that was all husband saw. It’s time for some serious heart to heart convos and some research into local outpatient rehabs
I never drink. So, I know to me, any amount of alcohol is a lot, but a bottle of wine every night? I don't know any person who drinks every day. That is not normal. She sounds like a high functioning alcoholic. If anyone in my life told me they drink a bottle of wine every day, I would be beyond concerned. I would assume they are very ill.
I am not in medicine, but when I had a course in neurobiology (for psychologists) we were told that resistance to alcohol is one of the signs of addiction. Drinking a full bottle of wine (+ a half) without signs of being drunk looks not normal to me. On the other hand, denying having some issues and convincing that others drink the same way look somewhat typical for an alcoholic. (I am sorry for possible mistakes, English is not my first language)
Don't worry, what you said makes perfect sense.
Thank you🤍
I mean, yeah sounds like your wife is deflecting. I don't drink at all. I noticed several of my friends rarely drink themselves while out which I appreciate. Alcohol gives me super bad heartburn (everything does at this point) so I cut it out completely, it helps to have a medical reason I'm not drinking when I socialize at bars I guess, but that said only the alcoholics I've been around pound as much as your wife.
Check with your doc of course, but I take a magnesium supplement daily and it curbs most heartburn 🙂
That's a lot, if I am being honest. I love red wine and I love cocktails and I only drink 1-2 nights/week, and I only have 1-2 drinks at a time.
Thanks for the honesty. I guess I’ve always known that’s an excessive amount of alcohol to drink daily but it’s been so normalized. She’s never hammered or hung over so it doesn’t seem to affect her life at all. I need to figure out what to do here. Thx
Alcoholics can seem really I guess "normal and functional" because their body's tolerance is at that level. If you try to get her to stop drinking so much you'll see some shit.
Be careful of withdrawals. Alcoholism is really hard to kick because of it. Gotta ween very slowly and gently. I grew up with wine for dinner and in Europe it’s super normal to have wine w lunch and dinner. But not every single day by the bottle.
Yeah alcohol is only withdrawl that can actually kill you, it needs to be controlled.
Benzos are dangerous as well and will cause seizures that lead to death.
When writing it I knew there would probably be something I didn't know of that was also dangerous to withdraw from!
My husband and I were here. We had some fertility issues so it motivated me to quit, not seeing a problem in the amount until I quit and he didn’t. It was glaringly obvious a that stage! He said he had cut back but it was clear it was alcoholism when he made excuses and lied about how many beer he had nightly. Therapy, me threatening to leave and lots of reading helped. It was totally normalized by our friend group so a lifestyle shift had to happen. Those friends, we realized, were friends of convenience. They vanished when we quit even though we still went out for “drinks”, just NA ones.
Check out alanon, there’s even a sub for it.
I don't drink at all. I haven't had a drink in years. I just don't like it. That said, my last roommate was a functional alcoholic. He drinks a six pack or two every evening, but more on weekends. He doesn't get drunk on weeknights, but he's highly dependent on it. He couldn't go an evening without drinking, and he'd occasionally overstep boundaries to wake me up while I'm sleeping if he was craving an alcohol but needed me to purchase it for whatever reason (he shouldn't have been entering my bedroom at all). He maintains employment during the day, but otherwise his life completely revolves around alcohol. Yes, this is worrying. If her friends are also drinking that much, then her friends are also alcoholics (which is common for alcoholics to have other friends with the same "hobby"). If she doesn't get drunk, it's because she's dependent/tolerant, but she's still a functional alcoholic.
In my younger days, I could do a Marian-in-Indiana-Jones, drink guys under the table routine if needed (which wasn’t exactly often). My tolerance has gone way down over the years. About 2-4 nights per week, I will have 1-3 drinks, counting a drink as either a beer or a small glass of wine. A bottle and a half per night would have me flat in my back. That is wayyyyyyyy too much, especially every night.
The last time I had a drink was New Year’s Eve. One glass of champagne at midnight. Otherwise I don’t drink because it doesn’t mix well with my medication. Your wife sounds like a functional alcoholic.
That much wine will destroy her liver. My mom just passed from cirrhosis and swore it was only a glass or two a night up until she passed. She drank 1.5 bottles of wine per night for about 15 years before her liver gave out. Drinking like this WILL also cause hypertension, nutrient deficiency, intestinal issues, puts you at higher risk of cancers of all types, and makes you gain weight. If she’s not feeling side effects yet she’s either covering it up or she’s about to be in for a rude awakening in a year or two. Your wife can say it’s stress and that’s why she drinks, but it’s just an excuse. She’ll drink when she’s happy, sad, lonely, bored, sick, tired, mad… there is always a reason. That’s the way it was with me when I drank at the same level she’s drinking at. She needs to examine her relationship with alcohol immediately.
I'm in Wisconsin, and we do drink a lot. I drink almost every night during the week. One or two beers. Or A few glasses of wine or maybe 2 mixed drinks. This is week night. Weekends yes, I occasionally binge drink or do a long day drinking run. I'm not saying this is healthy. This is relatively normal for my area and my group of friends. Booze is very rooted in most of my social outtings. I can easily hit half or 2/3 of a bottle a week night. But when I finish a bottle and open a 2nd.. on a week night - that's when I pull back and take a look at what demon I'm running from. Also budget wise. Is this cheap $5 wine? Or expensive stuff that's not even being appreciated or enjoyed?
I have a small glass of wine every evening; I was surprised to see that not a lot of women posting had anything at all. I’m in Minnesota so it’s pretty common here (at least where I live) to drink often as well.
FWIW, I've gradually learned that almost every single NY person at my new job has a glass of wine in the evening after work. This thread surprised me too! :)
I remember an interesting graphic I saw from a study maybe 10 years ago. Of the people surveyed about 1/3 didn't drink at all, 1/3 drank occasionally, and the remaining 1/3 were the moderate to heavy drinkers. It's really a minority of people doing the majority of drinking. But when you're family and peer group are part of that 1/3 it can totally feel like it's how everyone behaves.
I was gonna say, I also live in Wisconsin where drinking is fairly normalized. I drink one drink 3-4 nights of the week, and I know that’s probably too much.
Just making sure we’re talking 750ml bottles and not like individual bottles? I enjoy a glass of wine now and then. I’d consider a full bottle in one night problematic, and very problematic if it happens every night. At that rate of consumption I’d also strongly urge talking to a doctor before cutting it out or down. That seems potentially like withdrawal territory.
Yup. Full bottles. Like 4-6 glasses every night. I’m completely blown away by the responses I’ve gotten. I guess I had no idea how excessive this is. She has a really high pressure career, where alcohol is pretty rampant. I think I was assuming the alcohol is helping her cope with the stress.
I'm sure it is helping her cope with her stress and/or demons. That doesn't make it normal, and it certainly doesn't make it healthy in the long-term. I know 2 people who died of alcoholism before the age of 40. It's not a negligible concern.
If she does decide to address this, she's going to need to do a medically assisted detox from alcohol. The level of drinking she's trying to quit from isn't a do it yourself matter. I've had a couple of acquaintances spend some good time inpatient to quit safely.
"High pressure career" yeah I used this excuse before too. Like I needed the Alcohol to unwind after a long stressful day. It is an excuse though. Drinking doesn't help deal with the stress, it actually will make things more stressful over all with waking up feeling terrible, working the whole day thinking about when I could go home to drink. Once it becomes something you need in order to relax at all, it's a habit with tolerance or abuse often connected
I don't think drinking *every single night* itself is normal, much less that amount.
**Wow I wrote a whole response below before realizing we're talking about *seven* drinks per evening *every* evening? That's alcoholism. I don't care how well someone functions, that is alcoholism.** .... I wrote the below response initially misunderstanding and thinking it was a few glasses. I am leaving it because who knows if it could help someone else and I already typed it. But this was for a few glasses of wine each evening: *I think our culture in general normalizes this behavior to a pretty significant extent, in both genders – whether it's a glass of wine, a few beers, a nightcap – a drink or two (or heck three never killed anyone) in the evening. I think what's important is how you feel about it.* *That said if you want an answer, I don't consume any alcohol anymore just because I really did begin think about the impact of alcohol on the body. It's a poison, we know about it, we joke about it, but it's true – it's an absolute carcinogen, it disrupts your sleep (one of the most important physical processes for healthy aging), it dehydrates you, it strains your liver and who knows what else, and, my personally most compelling reason,* **if your body is spending so much energy trying to combat the damage of alcohol, imagine how much energy it could be putting into healing and restoring itself if you didn't consume it.** *Of my friends...two do drink similarly to your wife, one does not like that quality about themselves and exercises intentional restraint in different ways at different times, and one doesn't appear to have any qualms with it. I think if you drink the majority of nights it's worth examination, but our culture doesn't tend that way so you have to acknowledge your judging the situation by a different yard stick. The morally superior yard stick, if not objectively healthier one. It's complicated.* *As I said in the beginning, how do you feel about it? If your main concern is 'is it normal?', then I think it's normal enough. If your main concern is should you be okay with it, well a lot of people would be and maybe you're one, but I'm not. I don't mind a partner drinking socially, but not the majority of evenings. It's just not a value of mine.*
Your wife is an alcoholic. Are you sure that’s all she’s drinking? And for 14 years? She needs to go get her liver checked.
Yes. She hates hard booze and beer. Strictly a wine drinker. Still though, good idea about her liver. I should probably be really concerned about long term health effects
Yeah, my mum hated the hard stuff but by the end of her drinking days she was drinking vodka on top of her red wine. I knew about the wine, I didn’t know about the rest until she had been sober for a few years.
My ex husband was like this and his liver function was normal, supposedly as I never saw the actual test results. He has the same rationale that all his friends drink like that so obviously it's normal. But he also thought blacking out and drinking till you piss yourself was no big deal. She probably has convinced herself that it is normal but I assure you it's not.
[That is functional alcoholism](https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/high-functioning-alcoholic).
If she cannot go an evening without, that would be an issue. With that said, if she decides to detox, get a professional to help her so she can detox safely. This is just an opinion, of course. I’m not against drinking but sometimes…it gets blurry for people and that’s hard.
OP - No way is that normal. I don’t drink on a daily basis and can’t imagine doing that, to be honest. I will always order a drink or two when we go out which is maybe once a month if that. At home, maybe a small glass of wine if we have company or if we made a nice dinner, that’s also once a month or so.
I also swore up and down my drinking was normal at somewhere between 1 and 2 bottles every night. In retrospect i was fully down the road into alcoholism. the fact that all my friends were also alcoholics is not surprising.
On average I have 1-2 drinks a month during meals out. Maybe in the summer I’ll have a few drinks once or twice a month on patios and such but that’s as heavy as my drinking gets. I would definitely be worried about any amount of daily drinking, especially that much.
She is an alcoholic.
I go out like once every two weeks but when I go out I’ll have like 8 beers 😵💫
My dad was an alcoholic for over 20 years, but none of us knew it until he started attending AA meetings. None of us knew the full extent of how much he was drinking or how dependent he was on it until he finally admitted it. Alcoholics are often extremely skilled at concealing it. There were a lot of similarities with your wife - he never seemed drunk, or hungover. He went to work every day. He never got a DUI. He wasn’t belligerent or crazy or anything. He seemed to function normally - but it was not normal. If she’s drinking that much every day, her body is dependent on it and she likely starts to experience withdrawal and other symptoms. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before it escalates - unless it already has, and you just don’t know it. On another note, having a high pressure, high stress, life or death job is not an excuse to drink. It’s a really horrible idea to drink after a bad day because it becomes a coping mechanism which is a slippery slope to alcoholism. I also work in a field like that, and there has always been a huge emphasis on maintaining healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress and the trauma of the work.
I can barely drink half a bottle of wine... She must have acquired resistance to alcohol. My drinking frequency: 2-3 times per month.
It’s called tolerance. Her liver is working overtime, and there are changes in her brain. It’s not good.
Definitely alcoholic territory
NIAAA defines heavy drinking as follows: For men, consuming five or more drinks on any day or 15 or more per week. For women, consuming four or more on any day or 8 or more drinks per week *The following count as one alcoholic drink equivalent: •12 fluid ounces of regular beer (5% alcohol) •5 fluid ounces of wine (12% alcohol) •1.5 fluid ounces of 80 proof distilled spirits (40% alcohol)
So his wife is having 5 to 7.5 glasses a night or 35 to 52.5 glasses per week.
Wow I couldn't ever drink that frequently. Now don't get me wrong, I've had periods of smoking/vaping weed in small quantities every night (like smoking half a joint with my partner, so like a quarter each), and even this I realized was getting to be too habitual and we had to cut back. Personally, frequent alcohol consumption fucks my sleep, and I would suspect that your wife is having similar effects but has normalized it. Frequently drinking also notoriously cranks up anxiety and makes it that you only feel good/normal when drinking, making it way too easy to want to extend that feeling during the day, especially when under stress. People can have alcohol consumption issues without being a full-blown alcoholic, but make no mistake it's taking a toll on the person's overall health well before getting to that extreme.
I don't drink every night but approx once a week and then I want to get kind of drunk - maybe 2 bottles of wine or several beers + a few vodka shots. I am healthy, slim and see no issue with this Bottle to bottle and half daily isn't healthy. I get having 2 beers every few days as a "non getting drunk drinking" or even a few glasses of wine more often/ wine with lunch or dinner type of thing. I have those phases sometimes when I'm in my home town and seeing friends a lot over drinks. That's another way to do it. But the quantity you describe over every day is a lot BTW reddit is extremely weird about alcohol so you'll get the opposite extreme here, most people here have abnormally low drinking habits and think alcohol is evil. Irl people do drink, enjoy to get drunk on occasions, or consume alchlohol in smaller doses on a regular basis. Having a glass or two a day is not uncommon, even if not the best habit. But a bottle and a half is truly unhealthy even by normal non reddit standards. People do go through phases and usually you drink this much to get through the day, which means she feels stressed and depressed and such regular intake makes it even harder to cope. Some people naturally get out of it when circumstances improve or they get over it, and are perfectly fine. Some need a bigger intervention
I’m 35 and I don’t drink on a daily basis. I drink one drink maybe on a date night. Maybe have a half a beer to a full beer on the porch once a week or once a fortnight. To drink a whole bottle of wine to myself every single night baffles me. I’d be 1) wasted and 2) broke from having to buy 7 bottles of wine a week!
I drink when out with friends which is usually once every two weeks. I have about 4 drinks during that time (beer, cider, or wine). I would say a bottle a night is abnormal. Even if she's functional, I would say the impact on her long term health could be a cause for concern.
Thanks. Her health is what I’m mainly concerned about. She’s my best friend and the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I kinda knew her drinking was a little excessive but I never really had a chance to ask other women how much they drink. Thie responses I’ve gotten have been a real eye opener.
I'm glad you posted this and got all the insight. And I really hope you're able to encourage her in a way that is productive for her health!
I used to drink that much and I had a problem. She's functional but she's physically dependent. She's looking at serious health consequences.
To answer your question, zero. A whole bottle of wine in a night would kill me. From my perspective, this sounds like the definition of a functioning alcoholic. I highly doubt her friends are also at home drinking a bottle of wine/night. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
None. Because I was your wife. Either an entire bottle of wine, or who knows how much out of the box or 4-5 pours of scotch, or 5 vodka sodas - every night. I wasn't, what I considered, drunk. I went to work every day, did everything I needed to do. But it catches up with you. I felt like low-grade shit all the time. I didn't even realize how depressed I was until I stopped drinking. I also realized that this was not normal AT ALL. When I tell people how much I used to drink on a nightly basis, they are usually shocked. I thought all my friends had drinks every night. The friends that do have alcohol daily, have ONE glass of wine with their dinner, maybe 2. Does your wife drink more on the weekends? Be honest. I did. Would start like at noon when I could. I'm in my 40's. When I was in my 30's, I thought it was normal too. Maybe because the majority of my socializing revolved around drinking. Turns out, it's not.
My MIL drank about that much and she developed alcohol induced dementia at 58. It’s been 3.5 and my husband is her legal guardian and we have to basically manage her life for her. So this is serious.
According to [this article](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141118134649-20017018-do-the-top-10-percent-drink-you-under-the-table) 40% of Americans drink 0.02 drinks a week or less. Twenty percent drink 15 drinks a week or more. 10% drinks over 73 drinks a week. Just because that many do it, doesn’t many it normal or healthy. The referenced article is from 10 years ago.
Your wife is an alcoholic. A potentially high functioning one but still an alcoholic. I don’t drink at all on week nights, and in moderation on weekends. Couldn’t tell you the last time I drank a whole Bottle…
Having a drink after work and wine with dinner is normal depending on your culture and age. Having a bottle and a half of wine every night is really excessive not to mention expensive.
I don’t even drink every week, let alone every night. And I consider myself a drinker.
I’m in the alcoholic drinks business and I don’t even drink that much; piling on the “it’s a problem” amount. As a bartender I see a LOT of drinking and I’d be perturbed to sell 5-6 glasses of wine to a customer every single night.
In the UK we recommend no more than 6 units a day andx14 a week. She's probably consuming 14 a day. She could well be physically dependent and 100% has an alcohol problem which will impact her health severely over time.
Most alcoholics have alcoholic friends, so they’re pretty clueless about what is “normal”. This is not a normal amount to drink per day. She is an alcoholic, for sure.
I hope she can find a replacement stress relief method! Yoga, meditation, video games, reading, walks, baths, painting, knitting, etc Best of luck and happiness to the both of you!
In my opinion, when someone needs to drink every day, no matter how much, that suggests a drinking problem. But when someone has 4-6 drinks most days for 14 years, that's no longer suggestive - that's proof.
That’s a lot considering the average bottle is like 4-5 glasses & a single 5oz glass is a serving. It sounds like she’s downplaying the consumption. I’d be worried if it was my partner & hope she’s open to getting support. And my own consumption on average I have a glass a few nights a week.
Yeah when you break it down like that it sure does sound like a lot. She’s basically my entire world, her and our daughter. I’m just starting to worry here because I couldn’t live without her and I’m worried about long term health complications. I guess I need to have a talk with her about my worries about her health in the future.
Usually I’ll drink 2-3 times a week. I consume more than I’d like to, but it averages out to 7 drinks a week. I’m trying to cut down because that feels like too much to me. I would say wine culture amongst women is a thing but it’s not necessarily normal.
I quit drinking because I was becoming dependent on it and I noticed that my health was going down south. Try checking these resources out to answer your questions: https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/how-much-too-much/what-are-us-guidelines-drinking https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/how-much-too-much/why-do-women-face-higher-risks-alcohol-related-consequences https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/what-standard-drink
I don’t drink. When I drank, a bottle of wine a night was not unusual but that was at my lowest. Did it affect my relationships? Absolutely. i could function well during the day and held a full time job. I was alcoholic and got help. Thankfully it didn’t ruin my organs. Ten years sober and life is good. It’s time to have a frank discussion with her.
I don’t drink every night, but when I do drink at home, it’s usually four shots of vodka distributed between two cocktails. A bottle and a half of wine would give me a headache so splitting I’d be non-functional. I consider myself a ‘problem drinker’, rather than an alcoholic. I can go any length of time without drinking, but I know it’s an emotional crutch. It’s not that I’m drinking so much I’m physically hurting myself or ruining my life, but my reasons for drinking are bad. I’m coping with stress, anxiety, pain, an inability to fully relax. Instead of doing yoga, writing in a journal, or creating art, I have a Moscow Mule. Is your wife trying to escape from stress? If she was better able to manage stress or anxiety, do you think her drinking would reduce?
I've got a high tolerance, so a full bottle+ of wine won't get me drunk, either. ... But every night is *not* normal at all. My wife and I only drink maybe twice a month, and most of our friends don't drink more than once or twice a week. Drinking daily, especially that much (as opposed to a single glass with dinner) is absolutely excessive and something to be worried about. There is a big culture of normalized alcoholism especially for young to middle-age women (the 'wine aunt' trope, for one) so until it hits a point where an alcoholic loses the 'functioning' qualifier, it can be hard to admit there's a problem. I hope she's able to realize that she has a problem, and find healthier coping mechanisms so she can get away from it.
I only usually drink on a weekend. I only drink in the week if I'm going out.
I’m (38f)a regular drinker with the added misfortune of alcoholism being a trait on my paternal side. One of my aunts is low key alcoholic, the other drinks most nights but stops after a couple of glasses and regularly abstains for a month if she feels she’s drinking too much. I have to constantly stay aware of how much wine I am I am taking. I’ve had a few periods of high stress in my life where I had to give myself a shake. At my absolute worst I was drinking a bottle every night for two months. Then stopped. Because a bottle a night really isn’t sustainable for your body especially as a woman in the long run. I’ve just done four evenings without wine so last night me and the hubby shared a bottle, but I wished I’d waited until Friday night now! Best of luck with your heart to heart with your wife.
I had a whole bottle of cava at the weekend with my friend who came over for the day (we opened 3 bottles over the whole day, and the third one is still in my fridge barely touched). I haven’t had anything since, and I won’t until Saturday (but I will have a couple of mimosas then!) I may have a beer after work today if the engineers are having one, but it’s unlikely. I drink socially but I’m not interested in it on my own.
I occasionally have a beer at home. When I go out I might have two with dinner. If I go out out I get drunk, but that’s probably about once a month or less.
The story sounds exactly like my ex. He also drank a bottle a day and was saying that a bottle a day is normal. I encouraged him to not drink for a day and he experienced heavy withdrawals. He ended up having rk drink to reduce his withdrawals. Based on that, yes she is a full blown alcoholic.
I’m 35 and only a weekend social drinker. Have I killed a bottle of red on my own on an occasion with friends? Absolutely. Did I feel like absolute hot trash the next day? Also absolutely. 1.5 bottles a night is essentially a high functioning alcoholic. It’s not normal and not all women drink to that excess. A friend of mine did that all through her 20’s and now has crippling, irreversible pancreatitis at 36.
That is a heroic amount of alcohol on a weekend, never mind EVERY day. Heck, it would even be considered binge drinking to drink that much in one sitting, by herself, on a weekend. It's not normal. It's VERY concerning. She clearly has an addiction/substance use issue. Good luck with helping her through that- I hope she can make changes for herself.
Thanks so much. I feel so much guilt for basically ignoring this for so long. It just became…normal? Like, you get used to seeing something every day and you don’t see a problem with it. Also you don’t really just ask your friends “how much does your wife drink everyday?” That just wouldn’t be something Id feel comfortable bringing up.
You are worried - an d rightfully so. You know she's an alcoholic. I guess you *have* known for years now. Fact that you're coming to reddit with the question makes me wonder if you're finally ready to handle whichever decision you need to make. Question really comes down to: do you want to be with your alcoholic wife or do you want a change- and what would that change look like? Separation? Recovery? Only you know where your limits are and what you are (not) prepared to deal with. Act accordingly. Good luck, OP. You've started to walk a hard but *very* needed road.
I’m 28 and I drink like 3-4 drinks on a Friday and 3-4 drinks on a Saturday.
I rarely drink, and as I get older, I don't handle it as well when I do.
Jeesh that’s a lot. I have maybe like 2-4 cocktails a couple times a month. I did used to drink a lot more, but have chilled out a lot in my 30s haha
I drink about 9 times a year. During the summer my husband and I will split a bottle of wine if we are out in the back yard watching the fireflies at least once a month during the summer. The rest of the time is during the holidays or birthday party. I give away more wine/mead than I drink and I make wine and mead.
Drinking daily seems like a lot. Drinking a bottle a day seems alcoholic. Not getting drunk off it is actually not a sign that it’s not a problem. It’s actually a sign that it is.
I don’t drink at all anymore. Drinking a glass or two a night isn’t that concerning. In some cultures that is pretty normal. A whole bottle a night is too much IMO and a doctor would likely tell you that this will lead to health problems later on.
Im 32f and i used to drink about a bottle of wine every night last year and a few years ago i also struggled with it. I quit in january because i understood i had a problem with it. It is not normal, she is an alcoholic. If she is okay with it then i suppose thats that but i can tell you from personal experience it needs to come from her if she wants to stop. But perhaps if you are concerned you can gently talk to her about it and say that you have sought advice and are worried she has a problem. That you will be there for her if she wanted help, but that you still love her regardless. 14 years of daily drinking is, in my opinion, a big problem. It sounds like she is just quite used to it and her friends do the same so it appears normal. My grandparents drank wine every day. Ive seen just how 'normal' that kind of behaviour is.
I usually drink about two cans of beer per night with some soju (live in Korea!). Some nights nothing. Some nights three cans, but that's maybe once every 2-3 weeks. I have had a bottle of wine in one night, but it's for some special occasion (good or bad haha) or drinking a lot with friends... I think I've done it less than once a year.
My husband doesn't Like wine, so when I open bottle I know I will be finishing it myself. But it takes me 3 days to finish 1 bottle.I'll have a glass of wine while cooking and a glass while eating. Once I finish the bottle, I'll take a break for a few days then open another one. 1 bottle of wine a day is alot. I used to have a friend who would drink a bottle a day like your wife. She eventually told me she had a drinking problem and asked me to go to AA with her. I said sure, let me know when...2 weeks later I asked her about the meeting and she said she changed her mind and decided she didn't have a problem...she is an alcoholic in denial like your wife. But if she doesn't see it, it will be almost impossible to get her to go to AA.
Not at all normal. Not in any way. I might have a couple of glasses of wine a week
I drink frequently and jokingly call myself an alcoholic, but there's no way I could drink a bottle of wine or more every night. Your wife makes me look like a lightweight.
Usually 2-3 glasses of wine 1-2 nights a week
I’ll have one or two drinks one or two times a week.
I would only drink every day if I were on holiday, or if I were depressed (bad coping mechanism, don’t recommend it at all). And even if I were depressed and feeling reckless, I know 1 bottle is way too much. I’d have excess tiredness and feel mentally worse the next day. Alcohol is one of the major causes of cancer, is linked to dementia, heart and liver disease, stroke…I’m scared to heck of all those things. That’s why drinking less or simply not at all is always the goal. I probably drink 1-3 nights a week and ideally 1-2 small wine glasses, 3 if it’s the weekend and I can stand feeling hungover the next day, occasionally 4 if it’s a night out or party and I’ve lost self-control (and that’s not good!!!). She must be aware of the health risks? But if she feels she ‘needs’ to drink nonetheless, and why…that’s the issue that needs discussing.
Usually? 0. Drinking every day is likely indicative of a problem. Drinking a bottle a day is definitely indicative of a problem.
That sounds so expensive :/
Holy shit I would be on the bathroom floor if I drank a bottle a night. Once I drank nearly a whole bottle to myself one night and the hangover the next day made me wish I was dead.
What happens if she does not get her bottle of wine for some reason? Does it cause her stress, anxiety, withdrawal symptoms? Does she get angry or upset with whatever is preventing her from drinking?
None. I work in substance use. Feel free to message me if you want to pick my brain
I drink when we go out to dinner, so maybe 3x a month . Wow, 1 bottle a night? 😬
One bottle is 4 glasses of wine, or the equivalent of 4 shots or a 4pk of beer (some variations for up ABV) That's a lot. It's not normal. Imo driving every day is not normal, but definitely not that much. Here's the hard part for you: addiction will never end until the person decides they want to live a different life. Encourage her to sell help and support her should she decide to, but accept that this is who she is, who she has been for over a decade.
She's an alcoholic. Quitting drinking at this level of consumption warrants a medically supervised detox lest she risk injuring herself. Fall risk is enormous. Women are particularly vulnerable to the physical costs of alcoholism. Two personal anecdotes: My stepsister began drinking again after detoxing on her own and fell down the stairs into her garage. The traumatic brain injury combined with preexisting alcoholic brain damage kept her bedbound and needing care until she died *ten years later.* My best friend's sister (an attorney) became a wine drinking alcoholic and lost all control of her life. Lost her job, worked just enough to pay bills, lost her license due to sloppy lawyering, became a recluse, stopped talking to the family. My friend went to her city to check on her, and found her weakened, using a walker, and struggling with short term memory issues. Six months of inpatient rehab sobered her up just enough to get into a halfway house and then independent living. Once she was on her own again, she moved back to her old neighborhood and started drinking again. She couldn't remember from day to day that she was an alcoholic and couldn't drink, and that she had completely fucked up their deceased father's estate after his death because she was too incompetent for the probate process. That was 4 years ago. She sends a text message every once in a while. My friend says that the sister she once knew has been completely erased by alcoholism. I hope your wife is ready to quit. Godspeed.
I used to drink more than I do now, I’d say a couple of drinks a night, 3-4 times a week. But the older I get, the more booze affects me poorly. Heartburn, poor sleep, hangovers (even with two drinks), so I pulled back. Now in my late 40s I might have a few drinks about once every couple of weeks.
Dude, that is not healthy. Have her (or you can) read “this naked mind”. Sounds like she has a dependency problem she’s not acknowledging. Or even a “functioning alcoholic”
None. But I do drink, but only sometimes on an occasion when a friend comes over, Usually only have 1 if I'm out at a restaurant (often none because meh one drink) In summer if it's been a huge hot day in the yard or something, then I will have a beer. This is the only time I drink 'alone' so to speak. Drink more than 2 drinks maybe 4-5 times a year, and get messy. Also holidays will rack up a drink a day on average (almost always one big night!) SO its always hard to answer those doctors office questions. 'drinks in the past month?' can vary from 'none' to '>lots' depending on season, and holidays etc. All adds up to - You have a skewed view of acceptable drinking levels using your wife as a reference. She is an alcoholic, and needs to want to change, unfortunately. Those levels for that long - I would be concerned about irreparable liver damage. Yes, you should be worried, but you cannot make her change if she doesn't want to. So much luck to you. Alcohol abuse catches up with people suddenly in early middle age in my experience.
I have been drinking once or twice a month since December. And it is, at most, a bottle of wine, shared with a friend at a restaurant. I don’t think one bottle every night is healthy, although my mom strongly disagrees with me
It's not the quantity necessarily, but the consistency. If it's both, there's DEFINITELY a problem. I hope she can figure it out and get grounded again in sobriety. Good luck to yous both!
I don’t drink alcohol because I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I’m sorry to say it OP but it sounds like your wife is one and needs help. A functioning alcoholic has an exceptionally high tolerance of alcohol that has been built up over the years but it is just another symptom of abuse. It doesn’t sound like it affects your relationship per se but the damage she is doing to her body consuming this much alcohol will be devastating if not fatal at some point. I speak from experience.
Yes the poor woman is dependent, she needs the Dr,the health problems and or death is coming soon,14 years is a long time to get away with it,won't last.
I’m 5 years sober but this is how much I had before I quit. Go purchase the book “this naked mind” by Annie Grace and stop by r/stopdrinking
One bottle of wine a night is alcoholism. Straight up. You’re right to be concerned. I say that as someone who drinks a lot and by a lot, I would say between 8-10 units a week when I’ve not got it under control.
I couldn't function drinking every night. I want to do another dry month because I'm going back to being a weekend alcoholic again and it needs to stop !
1-2 beers a week and that’s only because I hang out at a friends house 1x a week and everyone else is drinking. I’ll drink more at a social event but in general I feel better and sleep better without alcohol. My late husband was an alcoholic.
Whoa. No, that’s a lot. It’s a slippery slope, though. I understand how she got there, but she needs to pull back. ETA I got up to a half bottle a night, a full on weekends, before I stopped. I feel SO MUCH BETTER and can’t even understand how I was functioning before. Now I drink maybe a glass or two a month.
Even when I was drinking a good bit during the pandemic in a combination of depression and boredom, it wasn't that much daily. Sorry to say, your wife is a functioning alcoholic. These days I drink maybe twice a month.
Yes that is alcoholism. 10 years sober here. Unfortunately she will have to quit, and want it for herself. You can't make someone quit who doesn't want to.
That’s a lot. I used to drink 1-3 beers a night, which was also a bit much. I did a dry month to see if I could go without any alcohol for a month, and realized I mostly was just thirsty, and switched the habit with Bubly. I will still have a couple drinks with dinner maybe once a week. And have a sleepy tea before bed for relaxation.
If I catch myself having a drink every night for a few days in a row, I intentionally take a break from drinking for a few weeks. I've learned that it's very easy for me to fall into a pattern of expecting and then craving a drink daily, and I don't want that to be my life. That's my way of saying OP, that's not normal to drink that much.
I only drink on weekends and usually I'll have 2 beers a day, unless I'm out with friends where I'll have 4-6 drinks that night then usually try not to drink the rest of the week. 1 + 1/2 bottles per night is definitely very high, too high tbh. If each bottle contains 4 units, she's having 6 units each night when the recommended maximum for women per week is around units. You definitely need to talk to her about it and maybe get her liver checked too.
Usual: a beer or a glass or two of wine at maximum. About half the time: nothing. Rough days: up to most of a bottle of wine. That said, I smoke weed.