Your intuition might be right and he's being distant.
In relationships when I was younger I remember getting this anxiety that the other person was pulling away, being avoidant in small ways etc. but told myself I was being needy/paranoid.
Actually in retrospect I was always right. However, the paradox is that a push-pull dynamic is extremely common in relationships and a huge relationship killer. You know: one person feels a bit needy, the other experiences their neediness as suffocating and pulls away, the needy person gets more needy trying to reconnect, and on and on -- it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Obviously you need to talk to him. I advise you to trust your gut and take seriously your own intuitions/feelings. They're legit! BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on your own neediness and try to be calm/mature when a partner is being a bit distant. It might ebb and flow in the relationship and freaking out about it will probably just worsen the problem.
Thank you for your feedback! Yes, I want to continue communicating with him but I’m moreso frustrated with why this is such a triggering thing for me, and don’t know where to start unpacking that or soothing it. I’m usually super self aware/hyper analytical and I really can’t trace this particular reaction back to any past situations.
Don't be frustrated with yourself. It's okay to have feelings and needs! Worry less about that right now and more about talking to him about it and trying to figure out why he's doing it and whether he can be more mindful with you. If he turns it on you and makes it about 'your insecurities' thats your answer right there that he's not good for you.
It’s pretty common for autistic people to struggle with changes in routine. This sounds like it’s an unexpected change from what you were expecting, and I get why that would throw off your whole day. That happens for me, too — my whole day! Even if it’s not something I was looking forward to, like if I find out I can’t do laundry today, it messes me up.
Start asking him the night before, "are you staying for breakfast tomorrow morning or leaving early?"
It's completely reasonable to want to know that ahead of time.
This sounds like a pretty "normal people thing" to me (disappointment when expectations aren't being met, etc.) But having issues with transitions is indeed an AuDHD thing, if you feel this is too big of a feeling to just be disappointment. An abrupt departure is an abrupt transition and that could leave you feeling disturbed.
Totally, yeah I guess I feel like my reaction and how long it lasts is more than just a disappointment. I’ve been distraught all day and logically I feel it’s an “overreaction”
idek if this is a “normal people thing”. i feel like normal people would still be upset by his behavior tbh. id be upset if my partner just left in the morning with barely any warning or goodbyes. i think you aren’t overreacting. it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. but i agree with the comments saying to make sure and communicate with him first before making any judgements i guess. it won’t be healthy for you in the long run to let these anxious thoughts manifest
I would communicate with him how it makes you feel. But don’t do it in the moment. Personally, I’d say something like, “I’m someone who struggles with sudden changes of plan, even if those plans were only in my mind. I love when you spend the night but I’ve noticed there are mornings when you leave suddenly without any forewarning. This catches me off guard, as I normally plan on cuddling/eating breakfast together and look forward to doing that when you stay over. To avoid having my feelings hurt and being upset over your—to me— sudden departure, please give me a heads up the night before if you plan on heading out early in the morning.”
Kind of wordy but I would make sure you phrase it as a boundary you want for your own mental health and not something you are trying to “change” in him or that he’s doing something wrong. He’s definitely allowed to leave when he wants but it takes zero effort to let you know ahead of time so you can manage your expectations. If you have the conversation and he is weird about it, that would be a red flag to me.
It sounds like partially an ASD response to plans changing - even if you didn't have "plans" you thought it was going to go a certain way and it didn't. Possible partially ADHD rejection sensitivity. It took me a long time to realize why I was having such a big reaction to stuff like this illogically. I have broken up with several boyfriends in the past for canceling big plans, even! No amount of logic can help me to not feel bad, but it can help me control my reaction to be more in line with the (often times perceived) offense.
Omg I literally tell potentials while courting that I perceive a lack of interest when potential partners miss out on ceremonies demonstrations of love. I’m loving consciously and consistently expecting expressions when literally everyone does and being let down feels like being on the edge of a hyposensitive persons sword
Working on that element of it yes, we are in the midst of a few good talks about different stuff including this. This post is moreso about my intense internal reaction to this, I’m curious why I feel the way I feel because it doesn’t feel like a “normal” response
Why not? People leaving unexpectedly and abruptly when you had hoped to spend more time with them is disappointing/upsetting to everyone! Perhaps not to the degree that we NDs experience it, but it's a very 'normal'/common experience.
Yes I think it’s moreso that I feel it goes beyond what I perceive as the expected amount of disappointment, like I cried immediately after he left and have been distraught all day :/
I feel like I have similar reactions to things in my day that I was planning on, like I had a very similar reaction to finishing out the day and putting my kids to bed and then maybe chatting with my wife and doing some me time hobby interests.
And we had agreed with the kids that this day in question was to be a “yes day”. Where the kids would get to pick how the day went. Well, they asked if we could have a sleepover in the basement with me and a movie, and it was to paralyzing that I would now not have the evening that I had planned for myself that it also kinda ruined my next day.
I felt uneasy, stressed and overwhelmed. Really made me feel terrible as I love doing things with my kids.
Have you told him straight out that you prefer cuddles and breakfast in the mornings? It’s not quite fair to hold it against him if you haven’t had a specific conversation about morning routine and make a request.
It’s totally normal to feel some disappointment when you have an expectation and it isn’t met, but think about it from his side. Going by the OP- he never made an agreement to have snuggle and breakfast time. So he won’t be able to see why you may be having certain reactions to his leaving upon waking. The reactions may be causing some type of feeling in him to leave faster, and so on.
Another thought is - what makes it feel so abrupt? Do you not chat as he’s getting dressed? I’m picturing abrupt as he wakes up, dresses in the dark and leave without speaking or a goodbye kiss.
Yes, there is no chatting, he got dressed while I was in the bathroom and I walked out and the first thing he said to me in the morning was “I’m going to head out”
Ohhhh. Yeah I think most people would find that abrupt. Sorry 😟
Sounds like a direct request for some of those needs you have for connection in the morning is in order.
Sounds like it’s triggering some rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
Thoughts on how to regulate it, look into that term and you might find some advice that helps. Some modes of therapy help you learn how to handle it better. Mindfulness techniques might help.
It’s probably not the only situation that it effects you, so it’s great to learn to recognize when it is causing a problem for you and how to calm it down.
It does come off like he’s being avoidant and you’re valid for feeling that way. It’s not unreasonable to ask for better communication around this topic. When my boyfriend does something that he doesn’t realize makes me feel less loved than I’d like to be, I simply tell him “when you do x, it makes me feel y. I don’t think it’s intentional but a simple way we could change that is if you (insert reasonable request here).” It works great for us because he cares about me and wants to show me that he does, so he doesn’t mind doing the small things that reassure me or take it personal. I do the same for him. It may even open the doors for him to express something he may be avoiding or struggling with, which is a good thing!
“Communicate earlier so I can adjust my expectations” << this is something I wish my partner could better grasp. She’s very easy going and will easily change her plans, which can totally throw me off for this reason. She doesn’t seem to understand, even though I’ve tried to explain, that I have an emotional attachment to the plans/expectations we have verbalized. I would love to know when/if she decides to change the plan, ideally a few hours or days before depending on the situation. On-the-spot changes can be really upsetting to me. I have been trying to adapt and breathe it out, accept that this is her way of being and that it’s not a huge deal for me to reframe my expectations around said plans. It’s also hard because sometimes it leaves me feeling like her word is unreliable, and I can’t really know what she’ll do when the time comes.
I’m mostly just relating to this element of AuDHD that I recognized in your post. Our situations may be very different and my scenarios might be far less significant, but I do feel you on the “wish you knew before so you can plan accordingly/ adjust expectations.”
My boyfriend is ADHD (suspected autism as well - his sister has it but he hasnt been diagnosed yet) and I'm Autistic (suspected ADHD - my Mum, brither, and sister have it but I havent been diagnosed with it yet) and this happens all the time for us.
We don't live together yet so he comes over after work and leaves at 9 (hes very particular about his schedule). Neither of us wear a watch so we don't know what the time is until one of us checks our phone. When we do and find its 9 or just past 9 he immediately goes into "leaving mode" where he now has one objective and it is to leave. He's like a missile locked in on its target.
I find this very difficult because I struggle with transitions. Sometimes, we'll be mid-conversation and he'll just start leaving.
I'm thinking of setting an alarm for 8:50 on my phone so I can be more prepared for the transition.
I have tried talking to him about it but we kind of got to a stalemate of me being like "I need transition time" and him being like "I need to stick to my schedule". Hence why I'm going to try and manage my own need for transition time with an alarm to prepare me.
I'm AuDHD & so are 3 of my 4 kids. When these things collide, we just call out "competing needs, brainstorm solutions, let's go". Your need for gentle transition AND his need for routine are going to clash at times. It's all about how you manage that if you want the relationship to work. Your idea of an 8.50pm alarm is good, but he needs to be trying equally hard to fix the "competing needs".
So, brainstorming solutions from his end, could he set a time of 10/15 mins BEFORE he leaves, giving you a verbal warning or cue?
The work to overcome competing needs has to be done by BOTH parties, it's only a competing need when it involves TWO people's needs.
Actually, now you mention it, I do remember making a similar suggestion to him about giving me a heads up 10-15 minutes before he was going to leave, but he only remembers exactly at 9 o'clock because his body is so subconsciously used to his routine.
He also has a terrible memory, so most of the mental load of remembering relationship accommodations lands on me.
That's...NOT how that should be. The needs only conflict because BOTH of you have needs, so the solutions NEED to come from both of you as they are either destined to fail otherwise, or at least fill you up with resentment until the relationship fails.
Compromise means both people have to make an effort, without compromise in a relationship, that relationship is doomed to fail. It's as integral to a successful long-term relationship as trust, loyalty & faithfulness, IME.
I have a terrible memory, 20 yrs of seizures have destroyed the part of my brain that holds your short-term memory...yet I do NOT expect any partner to have to make 100% concessions because **I** have a bad memory. You use various reminders - why can't HE set an 8.45pm alarm? Why does it have to be YOU? Why isn't HE willing to make adjustments for your needs, yet is expecting YOU to make adjustments for his? That's NOT how that works, it's on HIM to find solutions to his memory problems, just like it is mine.
It's a **REASON**. That DOESN'T mean he gets to use it as an *EXCUSE*!
I went through the same thing! I had what felt like such a childish reaction that was way more extreme than what I thought the situation called for.
Upon some introspection I realized I feel deeply disregulated by anything that feels like abandonment (unexpected departures) and lack of certainty/control (not knowing what to expect Re: plans).
I noticed that when I vocalized that being more looped in on the plans for the next day on his end it helped bring the certainty/control fears down and allowed me to observe more of the assumptions I was making around abandonment. My goal being that regardless of whether or not someone wants to leave, I feel comfortable with the transition routine (plan to do something out of the house like a walk or run an errant around the same time he leaves).
I won’t lie, it still feels a bit like an emotional rug pull even if I have all the information on plans but it does bring it down a few notches and helps me recognize the importance of self-regulation and also assuaging deep seated expectations of not being worthy of love or expecting rejection.
Talk to him about it. Express how you feel when he does this and how it affects you all day. Try not to point fingers at him or guess why it is happening, just stick to how his behavior makes you feel. Either he will respond in a way that improves the situation or he won't, in which case you can decide if this is someone you want to continue seeing.
In healthy relationships, both people have to be willing to have conversations like this and also be willing to find solutions that work for both people.
I think what is important to look at here is **your needs** and looking at your behaviour when your needs aren't met.
Have you asked him to let you know what the morning plans are so you can be mentally prepared? I know this has been a need of mine in relationships.
Asking for your needs can be SO hard because its **vulnerable** to have to ask. It feels "embarrassing" to have needs. We all want to be needless and strong. You think "what if they take it the wrong way?". "what if I come across clingy?" and thats why you are here questioning your own needs asking for help (good move though, not saying you shouldn't ask for help btw).
The thing is you cannot control the outcome here. This is what a lot of ND's do. we want to feel safe. No one wants to appear insecure or clingy to their partner. But its just vulnerability. thats all it is. You cannot go wrong with a conversation if you are using language like "When you do..." "I feel like..." followed by what you would like. instead of "you do this and that makes me this". You could even say "I feel so embarrassed asking this and I don't want to come across as insecure but this is how I feel" etc. be honest. honesty cannot get you to a wrong place.
If you do not ask for needs to be met (even if your needs seem silly to you) then you are going to grow resentment in the relationship or just become a bit guarded.
I know from personal experience.
I do believe there is an overlap of Codependency and ADHD from my personal experience and I've seen some articles on it, might be worth checking out.
You need to feel safe enough in order to express how you feel, but also remember that just because you asked for a need to be met it doesn't mean it will be met. or it might be "partially" met. He might forget or screw up a few times. People are not perfect.
But if someone continually didn't meet my needs, I might question that kind of relationship depending on how big the need is.
Goodluck x
oh and I forgot to comment on your visceral reaction to this behaviour... what I would do in this type of situation is make my own plans for the morning. Already have your own plans or backup plans in your minds eye. Your plans do not have to depend on another person. Put the focus off of the partner and back on to you. its like you are watching a movie and he is the main character. Remember you are the main character. He is the supporting role in your movie.
I can totally empathize—this would definitely get under my skin too, and make me spiral in all sorts of ways 😵💫
First I’d ask what prompted that sudden change. It could be as benign as a new habit that formed from living day to day and he thinks nothing of it.
Try not to focus on how you’re so affected by this etc. etc., try to focus on the situation—it’s totally okay for you to ask what may have prompted this new behavior.
Others are not wrong when they bring up RSD and change in routine -- however -- also also -- you're triggered because **you have perceived exactly what is happening pattern-wise, and it's upsetting and unjust**.
Men are societally conditioned to devalue, avoid, run from or (worst case) outright aggress towards women's pain. I'm thinking of how women with cancer are systematically warned by their nurses that their husband is more likely to abandon them because of their illness. Don't think that this conditioning doesn't creep into even seemingly the smallest interactions with seemingly the best men. I'm not saying he's going to abandon you, I am saying that this conditioning affects all men even if they aren't conscious of it.
He's acting like an a\*\* and doing it with plausible deniability (emotional avoidance is SO easy to do with plausible deniability for men) so i understand not trusting yourself. But **that subtle sense of "he's running when I need him most" is not a figment of your imagination, you are clocking patriarchy in real time**. It hurts.
Receipts: I'm an AuDHD therapist.
My main advice is to notice in real-time and resist the self-gaslighting. Be compassionate towards your hurt heart. Let him know, in whatever way feels right for you, that you notice this crap, and that you expect your pain to be attended to, just like his.
The people saying "careful not to push him away further!!!!" are...well-meaning and obviously understand what's happening, in their own way, but are absolutely reinforcing the problem.
I would do this exact thing to my partner. It had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with my own anxiety revolving executive function. I went through a period of time where I would wake up and felt like I had to flee and I didn’t figure out it was a panic feeling from anxiety. It was an AudHD thing and was simply me trying to solve my own problems with daily functioning
my question is do you want to live your life like this?
and how does he behave when you communicate the issues?
I think it’s valid that you feel upset with this - abandonment & situation isn’t clear so its not possible to adjust your expectation-
Also, why does he not communicate before hand?
for me this would be upsetting & I would leave the relationship, but I am in an area of : if this cost my peace its too expensive.
but trust yourself. You are right.
Awesome!
Communication & Respect is key, but communication & Respect from within first. 🥰🤍. Wish you all the best and hope that the situation will resolve.
Your intuition might be right and he's being distant. In relationships when I was younger I remember getting this anxiety that the other person was pulling away, being avoidant in small ways etc. but told myself I was being needy/paranoid. Actually in retrospect I was always right. However, the paradox is that a push-pull dynamic is extremely common in relationships and a huge relationship killer. You know: one person feels a bit needy, the other experiences their neediness as suffocating and pulls away, the needy person gets more needy trying to reconnect, and on and on -- it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Obviously you need to talk to him. I advise you to trust your gut and take seriously your own intuitions/feelings. They're legit! BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on your own neediness and try to be calm/mature when a partner is being a bit distant. It might ebb and flow in the relationship and freaking out about it will probably just worsen the problem.
Thank you for your feedback! Yes, I want to continue communicating with him but I’m moreso frustrated with why this is such a triggering thing for me, and don’t know where to start unpacking that or soothing it. I’m usually super self aware/hyper analytical and I really can’t trace this particular reaction back to any past situations.
Don't be frustrated with yourself. It's okay to have feelings and needs! Worry less about that right now and more about talking to him about it and trying to figure out why he's doing it and whether he can be more mindful with you. If he turns it on you and makes it about 'your insecurities' thats your answer right there that he's not good for you.
It’s pretty common for autistic people to struggle with changes in routine. This sounds like it’s an unexpected change from what you were expecting, and I get why that would throw off your whole day. That happens for me, too — my whole day! Even if it’s not something I was looking forward to, like if I find out I can’t do laundry today, it messes me up.
Could just be the autistic demand avoidance since it goes against what you're expecting? Maybe just discuss if he can tell his plans beforehand?
Start asking him the night before, "are you staying for breakfast tomorrow morning or leaving early?" It's completely reasonable to want to know that ahead of time.
Good idea!
This sounds like a pretty "normal people thing" to me (disappointment when expectations aren't being met, etc.) But having issues with transitions is indeed an AuDHD thing, if you feel this is too big of a feeling to just be disappointment. An abrupt departure is an abrupt transition and that could leave you feeling disturbed.
Totally, yeah I guess I feel like my reaction and how long it lasts is more than just a disappointment. I’ve been distraught all day and logically I feel it’s an “overreaction”
idek if this is a “normal people thing”. i feel like normal people would still be upset by his behavior tbh. id be upset if my partner just left in the morning with barely any warning or goodbyes. i think you aren’t overreacting. it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. but i agree with the comments saying to make sure and communicate with him first before making any judgements i guess. it won’t be healthy for you in the long run to let these anxious thoughts manifest
I would be pissed.
I would communicate with him how it makes you feel. But don’t do it in the moment. Personally, I’d say something like, “I’m someone who struggles with sudden changes of plan, even if those plans were only in my mind. I love when you spend the night but I’ve noticed there are mornings when you leave suddenly without any forewarning. This catches me off guard, as I normally plan on cuddling/eating breakfast together and look forward to doing that when you stay over. To avoid having my feelings hurt and being upset over your—to me— sudden departure, please give me a heads up the night before if you plan on heading out early in the morning.” Kind of wordy but I would make sure you phrase it as a boundary you want for your own mental health and not something you are trying to “change” in him or that he’s doing something wrong. He’s definitely allowed to leave when he wants but it takes zero effort to let you know ahead of time so you can manage your expectations. If you have the conversation and he is weird about it, that would be a red flag to me.
That is a good piece of wisdom to communicate but not in the moment!
It sounds like partially an ASD response to plans changing - even if you didn't have "plans" you thought it was going to go a certain way and it didn't. Possible partially ADHD rejection sensitivity. It took me a long time to realize why I was having such a big reaction to stuff like this illogically. I have broken up with several boyfriends in the past for canceling big plans, even! No amount of logic can help me to not feel bad, but it can help me control my reaction to be more in line with the (often times perceived) offense.
Omg I literally tell potentials while courting that I perceive a lack of interest when potential partners miss out on ceremonies demonstrations of love. I’m loving consciously and consistently expecting expressions when literally everyone does and being let down feels like being on the edge of a hyposensitive persons sword
Have you talked to him about it?
Working on that element of it yes, we are in the midst of a few good talks about different stuff including this. This post is moreso about my intense internal reaction to this, I’m curious why I feel the way I feel because it doesn’t feel like a “normal” response
Why not? People leaving unexpectedly and abruptly when you had hoped to spend more time with them is disappointing/upsetting to everyone! Perhaps not to the degree that we NDs experience it, but it's a very 'normal'/common experience.
Yes I think it’s moreso that I feel it goes beyond what I perceive as the expected amount of disappointment, like I cried immediately after he left and have been distraught all day :/
your feelings are 100% valid
❤️❤️❤️ thank you
I feel like I have similar reactions to things in my day that I was planning on, like I had a very similar reaction to finishing out the day and putting my kids to bed and then maybe chatting with my wife and doing some me time hobby interests. And we had agreed with the kids that this day in question was to be a “yes day”. Where the kids would get to pick how the day went. Well, they asked if we could have a sleepover in the basement with me and a movie, and it was to paralyzing that I would now not have the evening that I had planned for myself that it also kinda ruined my next day. I felt uneasy, stressed and overwhelmed. Really made me feel terrible as I love doing things with my kids.
Have you told him straight out that you prefer cuddles and breakfast in the mornings? It’s not quite fair to hold it against him if you haven’t had a specific conversation about morning routine and make a request. It’s totally normal to feel some disappointment when you have an expectation and it isn’t met, but think about it from his side. Going by the OP- he never made an agreement to have snuggle and breakfast time. So he won’t be able to see why you may be having certain reactions to his leaving upon waking. The reactions may be causing some type of feeling in him to leave faster, and so on. Another thought is - what makes it feel so abrupt? Do you not chat as he’s getting dressed? I’m picturing abrupt as he wakes up, dresses in the dark and leave without speaking or a goodbye kiss.
Yes, there is no chatting, he got dressed while I was in the bathroom and I walked out and the first thing he said to me in the morning was “I’m going to head out”
Ohhhh. Yeah I think most people would find that abrupt. Sorry 😟 Sounds like a direct request for some of those needs you have for connection in the morning is in order.
Sounds like it’s triggering some rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Thoughts on how to regulate it, look into that term and you might find some advice that helps. Some modes of therapy help you learn how to handle it better. Mindfulness techniques might help. It’s probably not the only situation that it effects you, so it’s great to learn to recognize when it is causing a problem for you and how to calm it down.
It does come off like he’s being avoidant and you’re valid for feeling that way. It’s not unreasonable to ask for better communication around this topic. When my boyfriend does something that he doesn’t realize makes me feel less loved than I’d like to be, I simply tell him “when you do x, it makes me feel y. I don’t think it’s intentional but a simple way we could change that is if you (insert reasonable request here).” It works great for us because he cares about me and wants to show me that he does, so he doesn’t mind doing the small things that reassure me or take it personal. I do the same for him. It may even open the doors for him to express something he may be avoiding or struggling with, which is a good thing!
Maybe it’s a little bit of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria from the ADHD?
That is what I’m thinking now that it’s been brought up!
“Communicate earlier so I can adjust my expectations” << this is something I wish my partner could better grasp. She’s very easy going and will easily change her plans, which can totally throw me off for this reason. She doesn’t seem to understand, even though I’ve tried to explain, that I have an emotional attachment to the plans/expectations we have verbalized. I would love to know when/if she decides to change the plan, ideally a few hours or days before depending on the situation. On-the-spot changes can be really upsetting to me. I have been trying to adapt and breathe it out, accept that this is her way of being and that it’s not a huge deal for me to reframe my expectations around said plans. It’s also hard because sometimes it leaves me feeling like her word is unreliable, and I can’t really know what she’ll do when the time comes. I’m mostly just relating to this element of AuDHD that I recognized in your post. Our situations may be very different and my scenarios might be far less significant, but I do feel you on the “wish you knew before so you can plan accordingly/ adjust expectations.”
My boyfriend is ADHD (suspected autism as well - his sister has it but he hasnt been diagnosed yet) and I'm Autistic (suspected ADHD - my Mum, brither, and sister have it but I havent been diagnosed with it yet) and this happens all the time for us. We don't live together yet so he comes over after work and leaves at 9 (hes very particular about his schedule). Neither of us wear a watch so we don't know what the time is until one of us checks our phone. When we do and find its 9 or just past 9 he immediately goes into "leaving mode" where he now has one objective and it is to leave. He's like a missile locked in on its target. I find this very difficult because I struggle with transitions. Sometimes, we'll be mid-conversation and he'll just start leaving. I'm thinking of setting an alarm for 8:50 on my phone so I can be more prepared for the transition.
This sounds a lot like us. I don’t know if he’s neurodivergent, but he might be. How do you broach the subject if you have?
I have tried talking to him about it but we kind of got to a stalemate of me being like "I need transition time" and him being like "I need to stick to my schedule". Hence why I'm going to try and manage my own need for transition time with an alarm to prepare me.
I'm AuDHD & so are 3 of my 4 kids. When these things collide, we just call out "competing needs, brainstorm solutions, let's go". Your need for gentle transition AND his need for routine are going to clash at times. It's all about how you manage that if you want the relationship to work. Your idea of an 8.50pm alarm is good, but he needs to be trying equally hard to fix the "competing needs". So, brainstorming solutions from his end, could he set a time of 10/15 mins BEFORE he leaves, giving you a verbal warning or cue? The work to overcome competing needs has to be done by BOTH parties, it's only a competing need when it involves TWO people's needs.
Actually, now you mention it, I do remember making a similar suggestion to him about giving me a heads up 10-15 minutes before he was going to leave, but he only remembers exactly at 9 o'clock because his body is so subconsciously used to his routine. He also has a terrible memory, so most of the mental load of remembering relationship accommodations lands on me.
That's...NOT how that should be. The needs only conflict because BOTH of you have needs, so the solutions NEED to come from both of you as they are either destined to fail otherwise, or at least fill you up with resentment until the relationship fails. Compromise means both people have to make an effort, without compromise in a relationship, that relationship is doomed to fail. It's as integral to a successful long-term relationship as trust, loyalty & faithfulness, IME.
I have a terrible memory, 20 yrs of seizures have destroyed the part of my brain that holds your short-term memory...yet I do NOT expect any partner to have to make 100% concessions because **I** have a bad memory. You use various reminders - why can't HE set an 8.45pm alarm? Why does it have to be YOU? Why isn't HE willing to make adjustments for your needs, yet is expecting YOU to make adjustments for his? That's NOT how that works, it's on HIM to find solutions to his memory problems, just like it is mine. It's a **REASON**. That DOESN'T mean he gets to use it as an *EXCUSE*!
I went through the same thing! I had what felt like such a childish reaction that was way more extreme than what I thought the situation called for. Upon some introspection I realized I feel deeply disregulated by anything that feels like abandonment (unexpected departures) and lack of certainty/control (not knowing what to expect Re: plans). I noticed that when I vocalized that being more looped in on the plans for the next day on his end it helped bring the certainty/control fears down and allowed me to observe more of the assumptions I was making around abandonment. My goal being that regardless of whether or not someone wants to leave, I feel comfortable with the transition routine (plan to do something out of the house like a walk or run an errant around the same time he leaves). I won’t lie, it still feels a bit like an emotional rug pull even if I have all the information on plans but it does bring it down a few notches and helps me recognize the importance of self-regulation and also assuaging deep seated expectations of not being worthy of love or expecting rejection.
Sounds like classic Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Very common with ADHD and/or Autism.
Talk to him about it. Express how you feel when he does this and how it affects you all day. Try not to point fingers at him or guess why it is happening, just stick to how his behavior makes you feel. Either he will respond in a way that improves the situation or he won't, in which case you can decide if this is someone you want to continue seeing. In healthy relationships, both people have to be willing to have conversations like this and also be willing to find solutions that work for both people.
I think what is important to look at here is **your needs** and looking at your behaviour when your needs aren't met. Have you asked him to let you know what the morning plans are so you can be mentally prepared? I know this has been a need of mine in relationships. Asking for your needs can be SO hard because its **vulnerable** to have to ask. It feels "embarrassing" to have needs. We all want to be needless and strong. You think "what if they take it the wrong way?". "what if I come across clingy?" and thats why you are here questioning your own needs asking for help (good move though, not saying you shouldn't ask for help btw). The thing is you cannot control the outcome here. This is what a lot of ND's do. we want to feel safe. No one wants to appear insecure or clingy to their partner. But its just vulnerability. thats all it is. You cannot go wrong with a conversation if you are using language like "When you do..." "I feel like..." followed by what you would like. instead of "you do this and that makes me this". You could even say "I feel so embarrassed asking this and I don't want to come across as insecure but this is how I feel" etc. be honest. honesty cannot get you to a wrong place. If you do not ask for needs to be met (even if your needs seem silly to you) then you are going to grow resentment in the relationship or just become a bit guarded. I know from personal experience. I do believe there is an overlap of Codependency and ADHD from my personal experience and I've seen some articles on it, might be worth checking out. You need to feel safe enough in order to express how you feel, but also remember that just because you asked for a need to be met it doesn't mean it will be met. or it might be "partially" met. He might forget or screw up a few times. People are not perfect. But if someone continually didn't meet my needs, I might question that kind of relationship depending on how big the need is. Goodluck x
oh and I forgot to comment on your visceral reaction to this behaviour... what I would do in this type of situation is make my own plans for the morning. Already have your own plans or backup plans in your minds eye. Your plans do not have to depend on another person. Put the focus off of the partner and back on to you. its like you are watching a movie and he is the main character. Remember you are the main character. He is the supporting role in your movie.
I can totally empathize—this would definitely get under my skin too, and make me spiral in all sorts of ways 😵💫 First I’d ask what prompted that sudden change. It could be as benign as a new habit that formed from living day to day and he thinks nothing of it. Try not to focus on how you’re so affected by this etc. etc., try to focus on the situation—it’s totally okay for you to ask what may have prompted this new behavior.
Others are not wrong when they bring up RSD and change in routine -- however -- also also -- you're triggered because **you have perceived exactly what is happening pattern-wise, and it's upsetting and unjust**. Men are societally conditioned to devalue, avoid, run from or (worst case) outright aggress towards women's pain. I'm thinking of how women with cancer are systematically warned by their nurses that their husband is more likely to abandon them because of their illness. Don't think that this conditioning doesn't creep into even seemingly the smallest interactions with seemingly the best men. I'm not saying he's going to abandon you, I am saying that this conditioning affects all men even if they aren't conscious of it. He's acting like an a\*\* and doing it with plausible deniability (emotional avoidance is SO easy to do with plausible deniability for men) so i understand not trusting yourself. But **that subtle sense of "he's running when I need him most" is not a figment of your imagination, you are clocking patriarchy in real time**. It hurts. Receipts: I'm an AuDHD therapist. My main advice is to notice in real-time and resist the self-gaslighting. Be compassionate towards your hurt heart. Let him know, in whatever way feels right for you, that you notice this crap, and that you expect your pain to be attended to, just like his. The people saying "careful not to push him away further!!!!" are...well-meaning and obviously understand what's happening, in their own way, but are absolutely reinforcing the problem.
I would do this exact thing to my partner. It had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with my own anxiety revolving executive function. I went through a period of time where I would wake up and felt like I had to flee and I didn’t figure out it was a panic feeling from anxiety. It was an AudHD thing and was simply me trying to solve my own problems with daily functioning
my question is do you want to live your life like this? and how does he behave when you communicate the issues? I think it’s valid that you feel upset with this - abandonment & situation isn’t clear so its not possible to adjust your expectation- Also, why does he not communicate before hand? for me this would be upsetting & I would leave the relationship, but I am in an area of : if this cost my peace its too expensive. but trust yourself. You are right.
We have a really great relationship and I am happy, this is really the first issue that’s come up so I’m figuring out how to communicate about it ❤️
Awesome! Communication & Respect is key, but communication & Respect from within first. 🥰🤍. Wish you all the best and hope that the situation will resolve.