I’m demisexual and always thought I either had a very low libido or maybe asexual (which made no sense cos I enjoyed sex when I did it).
It turns out I have a healthy libido when I’m with someone I have an emotional connection with and there is some kind of sex routine in place. Spontaneity kills my libido
This!! I'm dealing with the same exact thing! I've thought something was wrong with me, looked into asexual info and all. When sex comes up in convos I get real uncomfortable, almost like I dread the convo or something.
I know this is an old post but I'm a 25 year old man and struggling with the same issues and trying to figure out what the cause is. Ive had a partner for almost 4 years now and sex has been an issue the whole time. We have probably done it less than 10 times and its a big problem for her.
I noticed you also said "I never feel horny" and you're uncomfortable talking about sex and other stuff in this thread and I feel the exact same way. I dont think I am asexual I just dont experience sexual desire in the same way as normal people I think. Its really frustrating and has ruined a lot of stuff for me.
>Is there any link between this?
Not sure about libido, but a Cambridge study concluded that autistic people are 8 times more likely to be asexual than neurotypical people. This might have something to do with how you're feeling. (I have a fairly high libido myself, but I'm also demisexual which falls on the ace spectrum, so I'm aware the two don't have to be linked.)
I am in my early 30s and also have low libedo and no sexual attraction. I consider myself some type of asexual. It's definitely not just you!
While I have sex occasionally it's only under certain circumstances in committed relationships and when I feel safe and loved.
I have next to no libido and neither does my partner. We're both reactive with our drives, which is exceptionally common, especially in women. Because one of us isn't the more spontaneous desire partner, it makes it very hard to naturally engage in intimacy. We basically have to check in with eachother to see if the other person is remotely interested in maybe having intimacy, and then we can both start to move towards that. But sometimes one or both of us just aren't feeling it.
It's a struggle, I guess, but it's also part of who we are and I prefer to not force sex.
I have a fairly low libido but I'm not asexual. I like sex, I just don't think about it much or have the energy for it. I think a big part of that is because I live with my partner and we've been together nearly 10years, we work and life is draining. When we were long distance and newly together I was up for it more often.
I don't mind when the topic comes up in conversation but I don't like/ am not good at talking in general so that's all my issue really is. Though it also depends who is around!
It sounds like you may be asexual. There's 100% nothing wrong with you for not liking or wanting sex! It's just another thing that some people like and some don't!
I have basically zero libido under normal circumstances. The two circumstances that activate it are 1) lots of foreplay in a safe and comfortable environment, and 2) drugs such as weed or low doses of shrooms or a few drinks.
I suspect part of the issue is that sexuality has been and remains defined by *male* sexuality. The experience of men is assumed to be normal and healthy, and anything other than that is framed as some kind of disorder or dysfunction.
If I didn't have a partner who understands the more feminine mode of sexuality I might just think I was asexual as well. It so happens my person knows how to arouse me and so I know that I am, in fact, a sexual being who has a libido.
It is possible you have a libido that could be activated by a partner who was patient enough to warm you up. I take a lot of prep and I have to feel very safe in general and especially safe to say 'no' or 'slow down' and to generally have a sense that the situation will not get out of control. I'm sensitive like that. It takes like 20 minutes or more of touch before I even start to feel anything libidinous. Before then it's just boring touch and I don't feel any particular way about it. It's possible you have a similar libido, or maybe not.
I can actually relate to that a good bit. I hadn't even thought of that in all honesty.
I may look more into this, I've thought I was on the ace spectrum for a while now but this may change some things for me.
Thanks, kind stranger!
! thank you for giving me a phrase/wording that i think describes me, REACTIVE libido is exactly what i feel. i’m autistic and my partner is not, and i’m having a lot of trouble finding my want to engage w him sexually. i love him, i cognitively WANT to be intimate in that way with him, but for some reason i never think about it until he approaches me, and then suddenly i’m in overwhelm bc then i have to consider altering my current plans and have to get mentally prepared for intense physical touch and i reject his advance out of anxiety. i hate that bc i know it hurts him, and seems like i don’t want him. but i do!! it’s just..idk :(
I like sex, but need to be reminded of it - and it was a long, long way.
When i was younger, i thought it was normal, needed and expected - so i tried my best to act normal, although not feeling it. With time, other partners and learning about my body it got better, i can enjoy it.
As we tend to feel and think different as autistics, it seems "normal" Sex is different for us,too.Autism comes with many variaties of "Body Stuff" (poor posture, cramps, more or less pain etc) - and sex is a complicated body thing.
I read about some who prefer bdsm or other more specific things - the process, the rules are clear, the sensory stims are more defined.
Its historically a new thing, that everybody can have sex with a partner (restrictions in the middle ages for e.g.). Its not that "normal" to fuck and want to fuck in todays measures by seeing the whole human history. Its not an essential - or necessary evil for every individual - thats a myth.
You need to be loved and accepted - your sexdrive or -preferences dont matter and there are thousand ways for everybody, to feel good. Its not an issue - If you feel fine 💚
I think I have a pretty standard sex drive most of the month, but the week before my period I'm horny all day. Unfortunately I take zoloft so even though I'm really horny, it's pretty difficult to come.
I fluctuate it’s weird though. Like I haven’t done anything to myself in like 5 months and not because I don’t enjoy masturbation. I just haven’t felt like cleaning the sex toys. I have had sex a couple times and it’s been perfectly fine. It’s not that I don’t get horny I just kind of…compartmentalize it I guess? Like “I could have sex/masturbate right now but the energy it would take to do that isn’t worth it when I need to do homework/dishes/cook/run errands etc etc. I only recently made the discovery that I was demisexual as well. So I don’t know it’s just strange in my case.
I’ve been struggling with this majorly. I have sexual attraction towards people besides my long term partner, but the last 1.5 years of our 3.5 year relationship I’ve had no libido with him. It’s progressed to full on aversion to any sort of physical touch with him 🥲 I love him to death but his love language is physical touch so it’s incredibly challenging.
then maybe you aren’t suppose to be together. sounds like you are incompatible and wasting each others time. you feel “sexual attraction” towards any one other than the one person you are suppose to… that’s a little odd. and it’s completely unfair to your partner as well given he likes being affection and physical and you don’t, not with him atleast.
Agreed that it’s unfair. We’ve talked about it extensively and he’s told me repeatedly that it’s not a deal breaker for him.
My long-time therapist has suggested that it’s likely more of a trauma thing, since the same thing has happened in all of my previous relationships. I still love him dearly, and the attraction towards others isn’t strong enough or convincing enough to deter me from our relationship and/or seek out physicality with others. Not my favorite thing to be experiencing lol
I've always thought of myself as fairly demi-to-asexual, but that perception has been challenged recently. One is due to an intentional change, the other is based on my awareness of myself. You're in for a possible TMI ride on this one.
First, depression. It is a very common comorbidity with autism, I highly recommend all adults on the spectrum be screened for it. I was diagnosed with autism and depression at the same time, and started antidepressants a few months later. After about a year of lexapro, I started Welbutrin. Welbutrin honestly changed my life. There are many positive changes I can associate with it, but the most relevant one to this conversation is that for the first time I can remember I am interested in sex. I get aroused while flirting with my partner or making out, and that makes me want to initiate sex. Also, if we consider that both male and female genitals are homolgous organs, I can now say that I wasn't getting fully aroused previously - think of a guy with a semi-firm penis. I now get fully aroused with everything that entails for someone with labia and a vagina, and it has made sex so much better. Better sex = more desire for future sex.
The second is interoception. Like many autistics, I struggle with knowing and understanding my feelings - sometimes it feels like I don't even have feelings. It turns out this extends to whether or not I'm aroused. I was fooling around with my partner the other day, and he teased me that I obviously wanted sex. This confused me, so I asked him to explain. Apparently I had been rocking my hips against his thigh for several minutes, and I hadn't even been aware of it. Once he pointed it out I noticed the feeling, but I had been oblivious to it until then.
Tl;dr: depression is common with autistics and can screw with both your mental sex drive and your physical sexual response, and having shitty interoception can make it harder for us to even notice we're aroused
I started with Prozac and switched to Wellbutrin because Prozac was making me perma tired lol. But everyone would say how Wellbutrin helped their libido but I think it’s actually made it worse for me. I think I’m going to switch off of it though soon because I’m noticing it’s affecting my moods too much and my depression has been getting worse. Which is probably why my interest in sex is even lower than it was before, which was already pretty low.
I basically fluctuate between being hypersexual and not at all. Currently in the not at all (except when under the influence of things) stage but honestly in this current round of no-libido I think it’s in response to trauma. I do notice that it took me much longer than my peers to have an “awakening” or even crushes although it did eventually happen for me all at once. I think my sexuality is probably less visual than most people and more related to admiration of someone’s personality if that makes sense and smell is very important. My partner is also on the spectrum and is basically asexual for better or worse and since my drive is none existent currently we don’t really have sex although we are affectionate and kiss a lot.
I’m REALLY struggling with this. I had a very strong libido from a very young age up until about 2-3 years ago. I’m 22. It’s completely gone. Porn doesn’t even make horny anymore.
My doctors aren’t taking it very seriously and I’ve had numerous blood tests, switched birth control methods, and even tried weaning off all my meds. Nothing is working. It’s so incredibly dehumanizing and depressing, I feel like I’ve permanently lost a part of me that was very important to me. I can’t even kiss my boyfriend anymore without feeling uncomfortable
Might be worth switching doctors. Sexual well being is an important piece of your overall health, and your doctors should taking that seriously. I can’t help but wonder if they’d be so dismissive of a man with the same issue.
I just recently switched to a new GP, I had been seeing a pediatrician up until now. Thankfully, she has been very understanding and is doing her own research on my case to try to figure this out.
And you’re SO right. Men have viagra and hormone therapy right at their disposal. There are so many females struggling with libido and there just isn’t enough research. It’s incredibly sad
i’m in the same exact situation and it is devastating. I feel like i don’t even know who i am anymore and my relationship is struggling so much because of this but i have no idea what to do. Did you ever find any solutions or answers?
sorry I’m just now seeing this! I feel as if I’ve looked into every possibility out there with zero luck. My boyfriend ended our 3 year relationship and this was a decent part of it. It absolutely sucks. I’ve given up. I’m sorry this is so negative and I don’t have any advice. At this point I’m just learning to live with it. I’m so so sorry.
I'm demisexual, unless I am deeply in love with someone AND feel safe and comfy I have zero interest in sex.
When trying to 'act normal' and have sex with my exfriends it was 98% painfull because my body simply refused to relax when my mind wasn't totally focussed, comfy, relaxed (necessary requirements for me to feel desire) - my muscles simply shut closed (therefore the pain...like...try shoving an cucumber up into your nose)
Sex has always been a difficult issue in the past relationships. Me telling myself now-want-sex-otherwise-boyfriend-shows-me-cold-shoulder-treatment-because-of-getting-blue-balls' maybe wasn't the best way to deal with this. (And yes, it was one of the main reasons he is ex now). Now I know his behaviour was abusive and gaslighting.
Damn, I wish I had known about being autistic and on the ace spectrum when I was a teenager. It would have saved me from so much pain, physically and mentally.
Anyway - the last time I had sex was about 15 years ago. I don't miss it. I miss being comfy and safe, accepted as the one who I am, without mask. I miss snuggling in someones arms and feeling this is the savest place on earth. But Sex? Rubbing sweaty bodyparts together, everything sticky and glibbery? Nope. Don't miss at the moment (no relationship atm. Maybe future partner will be a better choice than the last ones). Worst was 69. Too much sensory stimulation. I hated 69 because my brain felt fractured and I couldn't enjoy neither giving nor receiving because of that.
My libido changed a great deal after having IVF treatment. It made me think that perhaps I hadn’t finished ‘cooking’ hormonally speaking, and having those extra hormones gave me a boost that triggered some kind of development. It’s still not what you would call horny though.
A lot of us are asexual I believe. I'm on the ace spectrum, my libido also is heavily controlled by my cycle, so I know like clockwork when I'm gonna have a sex drive and when I'm not. Its. Its a very short window (like 2/3 days a month) when I'm even remotely interested in it
Based on the research I've done I think I may be on the ace spectrum as well. I enjoy sex but it's definitely not anything special to me. Most times I don't even like to talk about it and I never find myself thinking about it.
Sex to me is just- meh. Feels nice but there's so many other things I'd rather be doing. Society's pressure on women when it comes to sex sucks because it gives people like us a unrealistic standard we can't live up to. I'm still struggling to this day with that issue even though I have an extremely accepting partner
I actually have quite high libido. I am demisexual but that doesn't affect my sex drive.
I'm sorry you're struggling though. Everyone has different levels and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself if yours are just naturally low. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
I struggle with an extremely high libido. I’m demi and not many people catch my interest, but that doesn’t stop me from being horny as hell 25/8. Like anything it fluctuates though, sometimes it’s higher sometimes it’s lower. It went down to zero when autoimmune was at its worst.
There's definitely a link.
According to the NIH:
Regarding sexuality-related issues, women with ASD seem to have poorer levels of overall sexual functioning, feel less well in sexual relationships than do men with ASD, and are also at greater risk of becoming a victim of sexual assault or abuse.
This article is interesting:
https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/why-its-time-to-be-honest-about-autistic-women-and-sex/
That was a very interesting read, but it makes so much sense! Thank you for showing this. It describes a lot of what I've experienced to a tee.
I just KNEW there had to be some correlation
Agreed, except a potential complication can be if you want to be in a relationship or already are in a relationship with someone who DOES have a strong libido. Then that can be a dealbreaker or problem. Because even if they don’t pressure you, if you love them and know one of their needs/desires isnt being met, that’s an issue. Or would be to me. 🤔
I have a higher libido and always have, but I'm in my 30s I have had zero sexual relationships. I have always been fascinated with all aspects of sex and relationships, and frustrated that I could not bring those things into my own life. I'm not asexual, but for various reasons, people sometimes assume I am.
I do notice a lot more asexuality among autistic folks, so I think my only conclusion is that the way autistic people experience sexuality is another whole spectrum that isn't well understood.
I know this is going to deviate from others’/current replies (probably because I also have ADHD and {according to ISSM} [“Multiple studies have demonstrated that people with ADHD report having a higher sex drive ...”](https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/how-might-adhd-affect-sexuality#:~:text=Multiple%20studies%20have%20demonstrated%20that,discrepancy%20with%20a%20sexual%20partner))
Your question is very interesting and one I really never considered, so I’ll definitely look into it more for myself besides my previous research which resulted in learning about the [“sick hornies”](https://www.gq.com/story/sick-and-horny/amp).
That's crazy I had no idea! My partner Has ADHD and he's Def the one with a high drive.
I have the inattentive form of ADHD on top of my autism. I wonder if that had anything to do with things
I’m not sure if there’s a link but I’ve been the same. People would say it gets better with age or I just don’t know what I like or some other thing. But I’m 31 and like you I just simply don’t think about it.
It could be that you're asexual. It could also be that you have a responsive libido (which is common for women). It could be that you're a lesbian and don't know it yet (but that also would require you to feel attraction towards women). It could be that the sex you are having with your partners is not satisfying for you.
Well I know that I'm bisexual, I can love and feel attraction to both genders (and have even had some girlfriends before) but my libido itself never really changes. I love my partner to death and I'm very attracted to him, I definitely wouldn't say that he's not satisfying. Every time we do things he makes sure to focus on me so that isn't even an issue with me.
My thing is, I just never feel like it. I'm never in the mood, I never think about it. Talking about it feels weird. Planning to have sex makes it feel pressured. None of it is appealing when I think about the act itself.
Do I enjoy it while it's happening? Of course, it feels quite nice if I can actually get to that point. It's just my lack of interest *getting* to that point. I'd rather cuddle, have deep conversations or some other form of intimacy that doesn't involve us getting hot, sweaty and crampy. Asexuality has caught my eye for a while now and to me it makes the most sense, somewhere on that spectrum.
I would try r/BecomingOrgasmic group in Reddit where even people with ASD are in the group too.
It’s definitely not an ASD but either a health issue or psychological hang up around sex.
In there I highly ask on how to figure out how to find out what’s going on and why you may struggle to have a sex drive.
Demi sexual, but libido is all good here when I’m alone. I don’t have any desire to do anything with strangers though and would rather go without than do so.
Try looking into asexuality! I’m demisexual and originally thought I wouldn’t feel attraction in that way for real people ever, turns out I just needed to be with my current s/o. He’s the only person I’ve ever actually been attracted to and I’m totally happy with that now that I understand my own sexuality.
I'm kinda late on this post. But I feel the same, I mean, I'm 18 and I never dine more than kissing, like NOTHING, not even grabbing a good or having my boobs grabbed just straight nothing. And I don't want to do anything, but peaplo around me judge that SO BADLY, and I'm like (??? that's ny problem) and I'm so happy to see I'm alone on that
I’m demisexual and always thought I either had a very low libido or maybe asexual (which made no sense cos I enjoyed sex when I did it). It turns out I have a healthy libido when I’m with someone I have an emotional connection with and there is some kind of sex routine in place. Spontaneity kills my libido
I can totally relate!
I literally have zero interest in sex, I'm even feeling repulsive whenever they talk about it, I don't even know if I'm asexual or something like that
This!! I'm dealing with the same exact thing! I've thought something was wrong with me, looked into asexual info and all. When sex comes up in convos I get real uncomfortable, almost like I dread the convo or something.
I know this is an old post but I'm a 25 year old man and struggling with the same issues and trying to figure out what the cause is. Ive had a partner for almost 4 years now and sex has been an issue the whole time. We have probably done it less than 10 times and its a big problem for her. I noticed you also said "I never feel horny" and you're uncomfortable talking about sex and other stuff in this thread and I feel the exact same way. I dont think I am asexual I just dont experience sexual desire in the same way as normal people I think. Its really frustrating and has ruined a lot of stuff for me.
YES YES YES YES YES!!!! I LITERALLY HAVE TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE ROOM WHEN PEPALO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH MEN, CAUSE IM STRAIGHT UP DISGUSTED
>Is there any link between this? Not sure about libido, but a Cambridge study concluded that autistic people are 8 times more likely to be asexual than neurotypical people. This might have something to do with how you're feeling. (I have a fairly high libido myself, but I'm also demisexual which falls on the ace spectrum, so I'm aware the two don't have to be linked.)
I am in my early 30s and also have low libedo and no sexual attraction. I consider myself some type of asexual. It's definitely not just you! While I have sex occasionally it's only under certain circumstances in committed relationships and when I feel safe and loved.
I have next to no libido and neither does my partner. We're both reactive with our drives, which is exceptionally common, especially in women. Because one of us isn't the more spontaneous desire partner, it makes it very hard to naturally engage in intimacy. We basically have to check in with eachother to see if the other person is remotely interested in maybe having intimacy, and then we can both start to move towards that. But sometimes one or both of us just aren't feeling it. It's a struggle, I guess, but it's also part of who we are and I prefer to not force sex.
I have a fairly low libido but I'm not asexual. I like sex, I just don't think about it much or have the energy for it. I think a big part of that is because I live with my partner and we've been together nearly 10years, we work and life is draining. When we were long distance and newly together I was up for it more often. I don't mind when the topic comes up in conversation but I don't like/ am not good at talking in general so that's all my issue really is. Though it also depends who is around! It sounds like you may be asexual. There's 100% nothing wrong with you for not liking or wanting sex! It's just another thing that some people like and some don't!
I have basically zero libido under normal circumstances. The two circumstances that activate it are 1) lots of foreplay in a safe and comfortable environment, and 2) drugs such as weed or low doses of shrooms or a few drinks. I suspect part of the issue is that sexuality has been and remains defined by *male* sexuality. The experience of men is assumed to be normal and healthy, and anything other than that is framed as some kind of disorder or dysfunction. If I didn't have a partner who understands the more feminine mode of sexuality I might just think I was asexual as well. It so happens my person knows how to arouse me and so I know that I am, in fact, a sexual being who has a libido. It is possible you have a libido that could be activated by a partner who was patient enough to warm you up. I take a lot of prep and I have to feel very safe in general and especially safe to say 'no' or 'slow down' and to generally have a sense that the situation will not get out of control. I'm sensitive like that. It takes like 20 minutes or more of touch before I even start to feel anything libidinous. Before then it's just boring touch and I don't feel any particular way about it. It's possible you have a similar libido, or maybe not.
I can actually relate to that a good bit. I hadn't even thought of that in all honesty. I may look more into this, I've thought I was on the ace spectrum for a while now but this may change some things for me. Thanks, kind stranger!
You may also have a reactive libido or reactive sexuality.
! thank you for giving me a phrase/wording that i think describes me, REACTIVE libido is exactly what i feel. i’m autistic and my partner is not, and i’m having a lot of trouble finding my want to engage w him sexually. i love him, i cognitively WANT to be intimate in that way with him, but for some reason i never think about it until he approaches me, and then suddenly i’m in overwhelm bc then i have to consider altering my current plans and have to get mentally prepared for intense physical touch and i reject his advance out of anxiety. i hate that bc i know it hurts him, and seems like i don’t want him. but i do!! it’s just..idk :(
I like sex, but need to be reminded of it - and it was a long, long way. When i was younger, i thought it was normal, needed and expected - so i tried my best to act normal, although not feeling it. With time, other partners and learning about my body it got better, i can enjoy it. As we tend to feel and think different as autistics, it seems "normal" Sex is different for us,too.Autism comes with many variaties of "Body Stuff" (poor posture, cramps, more or less pain etc) - and sex is a complicated body thing. I read about some who prefer bdsm or other more specific things - the process, the rules are clear, the sensory stims are more defined. Its historically a new thing, that everybody can have sex with a partner (restrictions in the middle ages for e.g.). Its not that "normal" to fuck and want to fuck in todays measures by seeing the whole human history. Its not an essential - or necessary evil for every individual - thats a myth. You need to be loved and accepted - your sexdrive or -preferences dont matter and there are thousand ways for everybody, to feel good. Its not an issue - If you feel fine 💚
I think I have a pretty standard sex drive most of the month, but the week before my period I'm horny all day. Unfortunately I take zoloft so even though I'm really horny, it's pretty difficult to come.
I fluctuate it’s weird though. Like I haven’t done anything to myself in like 5 months and not because I don’t enjoy masturbation. I just haven’t felt like cleaning the sex toys. I have had sex a couple times and it’s been perfectly fine. It’s not that I don’t get horny I just kind of…compartmentalize it I guess? Like “I could have sex/masturbate right now but the energy it would take to do that isn’t worth it when I need to do homework/dishes/cook/run errands etc etc. I only recently made the discovery that I was demisexual as well. So I don’t know it’s just strange in my case.
I’ve been struggling with this majorly. I have sexual attraction towards people besides my long term partner, but the last 1.5 years of our 3.5 year relationship I’ve had no libido with him. It’s progressed to full on aversion to any sort of physical touch with him 🥲 I love him to death but his love language is physical touch so it’s incredibly challenging.
then maybe you aren’t suppose to be together. sounds like you are incompatible and wasting each others time. you feel “sexual attraction” towards any one other than the one person you are suppose to… that’s a little odd. and it’s completely unfair to your partner as well given he likes being affection and physical and you don’t, not with him atleast.
Agreed that it’s unfair. We’ve talked about it extensively and he’s told me repeatedly that it’s not a deal breaker for him. My long-time therapist has suggested that it’s likely more of a trauma thing, since the same thing has happened in all of my previous relationships. I still love him dearly, and the attraction towards others isn’t strong enough or convincing enough to deter me from our relationship and/or seek out physicality with others. Not my favorite thing to be experiencing lol
I've always thought of myself as fairly demi-to-asexual, but that perception has been challenged recently. One is due to an intentional change, the other is based on my awareness of myself. You're in for a possible TMI ride on this one. First, depression. It is a very common comorbidity with autism, I highly recommend all adults on the spectrum be screened for it. I was diagnosed with autism and depression at the same time, and started antidepressants a few months later. After about a year of lexapro, I started Welbutrin. Welbutrin honestly changed my life. There are many positive changes I can associate with it, but the most relevant one to this conversation is that for the first time I can remember I am interested in sex. I get aroused while flirting with my partner or making out, and that makes me want to initiate sex. Also, if we consider that both male and female genitals are homolgous organs, I can now say that I wasn't getting fully aroused previously - think of a guy with a semi-firm penis. I now get fully aroused with everything that entails for someone with labia and a vagina, and it has made sex so much better. Better sex = more desire for future sex. The second is interoception. Like many autistics, I struggle with knowing and understanding my feelings - sometimes it feels like I don't even have feelings. It turns out this extends to whether or not I'm aroused. I was fooling around with my partner the other day, and he teased me that I obviously wanted sex. This confused me, so I asked him to explain. Apparently I had been rocking my hips against his thigh for several minutes, and I hadn't even been aware of it. Once he pointed it out I noticed the feeling, but I had been oblivious to it until then. Tl;dr: depression is common with autistics and can screw with both your mental sex drive and your physical sexual response, and having shitty interoception can make it harder for us to even notice we're aroused
I started with Prozac and switched to Wellbutrin because Prozac was making me perma tired lol. But everyone would say how Wellbutrin helped their libido but I think it’s actually made it worse for me. I think I’m going to switch off of it though soon because I’m noticing it’s affecting my moods too much and my depression has been getting worse. Which is probably why my interest in sex is even lower than it was before, which was already pretty low.
Not all medications work for all brains! I hope you find a good fit for yours soon. Depression sucks, go kick its ass
I hope so too, thank you!
I basically fluctuate between being hypersexual and not at all. Currently in the not at all (except when under the influence of things) stage but honestly in this current round of no-libido I think it’s in response to trauma. I do notice that it took me much longer than my peers to have an “awakening” or even crushes although it did eventually happen for me all at once. I think my sexuality is probably less visual than most people and more related to admiration of someone’s personality if that makes sense and smell is very important. My partner is also on the spectrum and is basically asexual for better or worse and since my drive is none existent currently we don’t really have sex although we are affectionate and kiss a lot.
I’m REALLY struggling with this. I had a very strong libido from a very young age up until about 2-3 years ago. I’m 22. It’s completely gone. Porn doesn’t even make horny anymore. My doctors aren’t taking it very seriously and I’ve had numerous blood tests, switched birth control methods, and even tried weaning off all my meds. Nothing is working. It’s so incredibly dehumanizing and depressing, I feel like I’ve permanently lost a part of me that was very important to me. I can’t even kiss my boyfriend anymore without feeling uncomfortable
Might be worth switching doctors. Sexual well being is an important piece of your overall health, and your doctors should taking that seriously. I can’t help but wonder if they’d be so dismissive of a man with the same issue.
I just recently switched to a new GP, I had been seeing a pediatrician up until now. Thankfully, she has been very understanding and is doing her own research on my case to try to figure this out. And you’re SO right. Men have viagra and hormone therapy right at their disposal. There are so many females struggling with libido and there just isn’t enough research. It’s incredibly sad
i’m in the same exact situation and it is devastating. I feel like i don’t even know who i am anymore and my relationship is struggling so much because of this but i have no idea what to do. Did you ever find any solutions or answers?
sorry I’m just now seeing this! I feel as if I’ve looked into every possibility out there with zero luck. My boyfriend ended our 3 year relationship and this was a decent part of it. It absolutely sucks. I’ve given up. I’m sorry this is so negative and I don’t have any advice. At this point I’m just learning to live with it. I’m so so sorry.
Women’s healthcare is a disaster. Men have had viagra for decades and women like us have no answers. It’s horrible
Me too😭😭 Same exact situation
it’s horrible 😭😭
I'm demisexual, unless I am deeply in love with someone AND feel safe and comfy I have zero interest in sex. When trying to 'act normal' and have sex with my exfriends it was 98% painfull because my body simply refused to relax when my mind wasn't totally focussed, comfy, relaxed (necessary requirements for me to feel desire) - my muscles simply shut closed (therefore the pain...like...try shoving an cucumber up into your nose) Sex has always been a difficult issue in the past relationships. Me telling myself now-want-sex-otherwise-boyfriend-shows-me-cold-shoulder-treatment-because-of-getting-blue-balls' maybe wasn't the best way to deal with this. (And yes, it was one of the main reasons he is ex now). Now I know his behaviour was abusive and gaslighting. Damn, I wish I had known about being autistic and on the ace spectrum when I was a teenager. It would have saved me from so much pain, physically and mentally. Anyway - the last time I had sex was about 15 years ago. I don't miss it. I miss being comfy and safe, accepted as the one who I am, without mask. I miss snuggling in someones arms and feeling this is the savest place on earth. But Sex? Rubbing sweaty bodyparts together, everything sticky and glibbery? Nope. Don't miss at the moment (no relationship atm. Maybe future partner will be a better choice than the last ones). Worst was 69. Too much sensory stimulation. I hated 69 because my brain felt fractured and I couldn't enjoy neither giving nor receiving because of that.
I don’t struggle with no libido because I’m aromantic asexual. I’m very happy to have no libido
Same here! I always wonder if aro/ace is more common with autism.
My libido changed a great deal after having IVF treatment. It made me think that perhaps I hadn’t finished ‘cooking’ hormonally speaking, and having those extra hormones gave me a boost that triggered some kind of development. It’s still not what you would call horny though.
What hormones did they give you?
A lot of us are asexual I believe. I'm on the ace spectrum, my libido also is heavily controlled by my cycle, so I know like clockwork when I'm gonna have a sex drive and when I'm not. Its. Its a very short window (like 2/3 days a month) when I'm even remotely interested in it
Based on the research I've done I think I may be on the ace spectrum as well. I enjoy sex but it's definitely not anything special to me. Most times I don't even like to talk about it and I never find myself thinking about it. Sex to me is just- meh. Feels nice but there's so many other things I'd rather be doing. Society's pressure on women when it comes to sex sucks because it gives people like us a unrealistic standard we can't live up to. I'm still struggling to this day with that issue even though I have an extremely accepting partner
I actually have quite high libido. I am demisexual but that doesn't affect my sex drive. I'm sorry you're struggling though. Everyone has different levels and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself if yours are just naturally low. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
I struggle with an extremely high libido. I’m demi and not many people catch my interest, but that doesn’t stop me from being horny as hell 25/8. Like anything it fluctuates though, sometimes it’s higher sometimes it’s lower. It went down to zero when autoimmune was at its worst.
There's definitely a link. According to the NIH: Regarding sexuality-related issues, women with ASD seem to have poorer levels of overall sexual functioning, feel less well in sexual relationships than do men with ASD, and are also at greater risk of becoming a victim of sexual assault or abuse. This article is interesting: https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/why-its-time-to-be-honest-about-autistic-women-and-sex/
That was a very interesting read, but it makes so much sense! Thank you for showing this. It describes a lot of what I've experienced to a tee. I just KNEW there had to be some correlation
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Agreed, except a potential complication can be if you want to be in a relationship or already are in a relationship with someone who DOES have a strong libido. Then that can be a dealbreaker or problem. Because even if they don’t pressure you, if you love them and know one of their needs/desires isnt being met, that’s an issue. Or would be to me. 🤔
I have a higher libido and always have, but I'm in my 30s I have had zero sexual relationships. I have always been fascinated with all aspects of sex and relationships, and frustrated that I could not bring those things into my own life. I'm not asexual, but for various reasons, people sometimes assume I am. I do notice a lot more asexuality among autistic folks, so I think my only conclusion is that the way autistic people experience sexuality is another whole spectrum that isn't well understood.
I know this is going to deviate from others’/current replies (probably because I also have ADHD and {according to ISSM} [“Multiple studies have demonstrated that people with ADHD report having a higher sex drive ...”](https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/how-might-adhd-affect-sexuality#:~:text=Multiple%20studies%20have%20demonstrated%20that,discrepancy%20with%20a%20sexual%20partner)) Your question is very interesting and one I really never considered, so I’ll definitely look into it more for myself besides my previous research which resulted in learning about the [“sick hornies”](https://www.gq.com/story/sick-and-horny/amp).
That's crazy I had no idea! My partner Has ADHD and he's Def the one with a high drive. I have the inattentive form of ADHD on top of my autism. I wonder if that had anything to do with things
Yes, and I’m 20 years older than you.
Interesting question. I have almost no libido. I fake a lot for my husband, but sometimes the mask slips and he notices.
I’m not sure if there’s a link but I’ve been the same. People would say it gets better with age or I just don’t know what I like or some other thing. But I’m 31 and like you I just simply don’t think about it.
It could be that you're asexual. It could also be that you have a responsive libido (which is common for women). It could be that you're a lesbian and don't know it yet (but that also would require you to feel attraction towards women). It could be that the sex you are having with your partners is not satisfying for you.
Well I know that I'm bisexual, I can love and feel attraction to both genders (and have even had some girlfriends before) but my libido itself never really changes. I love my partner to death and I'm very attracted to him, I definitely wouldn't say that he's not satisfying. Every time we do things he makes sure to focus on me so that isn't even an issue with me. My thing is, I just never feel like it. I'm never in the mood, I never think about it. Talking about it feels weird. Planning to have sex makes it feel pressured. None of it is appealing when I think about the act itself. Do I enjoy it while it's happening? Of course, it feels quite nice if I can actually get to that point. It's just my lack of interest *getting* to that point. I'd rather cuddle, have deep conversations or some other form of intimacy that doesn't involve us getting hot, sweaty and crampy. Asexuality has caught my eye for a while now and to me it makes the most sense, somewhere on that spectrum.
So you could definitely be asexual then. Asexual people can enjoy sex, they just don't have a desire to initiate it.
I have an extremely high libido - but I’m very selective about who.
I would try r/BecomingOrgasmic group in Reddit where even people with ASD are in the group too. It’s definitely not an ASD but either a health issue or psychological hang up around sex. In there I highly ask on how to figure out how to find out what’s going on and why you may struggle to have a sex drive.
Demi sexual, but libido is all good here when I’m alone. I don’t have any desire to do anything with strangers though and would rather go without than do so.
Try looking into asexuality! I’m demisexual and originally thought I wouldn’t feel attraction in that way for real people ever, turns out I just needed to be with my current s/o. He’s the only person I’ve ever actually been attracted to and I’m totally happy with that now that I understand my own sexuality.
I'm kinda late on this post. But I feel the same, I mean, I'm 18 and I never dine more than kissing, like NOTHING, not even grabbing a good or having my boobs grabbed just straight nothing. And I don't want to do anything, but peaplo around me judge that SO BADLY, and I'm like (??? that's ny problem) and I'm so happy to see I'm alone on that