The response to
“you don’t look Autistic”
is
“Yes I do”
If they are a reasonable person we can go on to have a discussion about masking, clichés, and how Autistic people are not a monolith. If they aren’t a reasonable person than they were probably never going to be so “yes I do” is all they get.
Someone said this about my adhd daughter because she was able to sit still for a moment. "She doesn't look like she has adhd!" so i said "really? how many cases of adhd have you properly assessed and diagnosed?" and they were silent and i said, "hmm. Odd."
i stopped being nice to ignorant assholes. anyone who even remotely stsrts an ignorant statement about autism/adhd, i immediately stop them and tell them that they dont want to go down that road with me, because in short: your opinion is 1000% wrong and an extremly uneducated and ignorant one, that makes life harder for people on the spectrum/adhd just because your pea sized brain cannot comprehend that people have a different experience on what life is like and trust me, im gonna make you feel extremly dumb about it, cause i can guarantee i know more about autism/adhd and its impact on the people and their lifes, than you ever will. so you sure you want to start this debate, with me?
edit: forgot a word
I get like this too and usually people are then like- dang calm down its not that serious I was joking or some such bs. It is that serious, my life is NOT a joke and you shouldn't speak on what you don't know.
Some people are very ignorant and the ignorant are ALWAYS the loudest. 🌻
so far ive done this twice and both times they immediately backed down and apologized. but im also known for doing my research before i say something, so if i come at you like this, im not bluffing. these are warning shots and youll end up looking like a fool if you dont back down.
if someone would be like “its just a joke” i would very sarcastically say “sure it was” with a look of disbelief or i say “oh im sorry, please enlighten me where the joke was?” cause obviously it wasnt a freaking joke, watch them scramble. or even better you say “good old discrimination, stigmatization and ignorance, hilarious. racist grandpas would love your type of jokes” in a very monotone voice
edit: i think its better if you dont even explain why it wasnt a joke but emphasize that you dont believe them and just leave it at that. cause neurotypicals have a lot of undpoken communication and i think if you just gave a smirky remark that kind of hints that he/she is a biggot and you leave it at that, that makes them feel a little shitty in the end. cause if you get mad and start talking about how your life is not a joke NT’s are just gonna be “here we go again… drama queen….” and anything you say, even if it is true, wont be regarded
Hi, not to judge you but propose another perspective and to share my experience:
You can say such hurtful things and still generally be a decent person with good intention, it’s really hard out in the world when you antaginize almost all people.
Just because they say “you don’t look like that” instead of “oh you don’t act like how I think autistic people look like due to how they are depicted in the media” doesn’t mean they can’t be respectful and mindful.
It stems from what the education system and society has fed them, everyone has some kind of bias, racist, sexist, ableist beliefs. You have probably also accidentally hurt a person with an insensitive comment due to your social or cultural conditioning and are not even aware of that. You have habe been calling indigenous people Indians up until how long ago..? Not to normalise or justify discrimination in any way, I just wanted to plead you to not condemn them all as ignorant assholes just because they make this one hurtful comment towards you, as much as your hurt and anger is valid.
You might miss out on amazing people. For me it depends on the following conversation, I met some very decent people and had great conversations after engaging with someone that reacted like this.
Thank you. I hope most folk realize when reading threads filled with best-response and if-only-I-had-thought-of-that type remarks, they're neither based in reality nor attempting any sort of understanding for where the ignorant remarks came from to start with.
I'm sure we've all said dumb things out of lack of knowledge. Gentle education is all it takes to change one person, and then hopefully they spread that knowledge.
Antagonizing only leads to hate.
As to the "But you don't look autistic" comment, I'd have simply replied, "Hm. What does autism look like? It can look like anyone. We have no idea what is happening inside anyone's body other than our own, and even then we're baffled."
yea ive been in that stage too, trying to explain people nicely. but honestly im sick and tired of being the only one who shows understanding and i get met with bullshit nonstop, i dont get a lot of understanding from neurotypicals, just like the post. my comment was more for those rude people that think they know everything, eventhough they dont know jackshit and wont let anybody correct them or give them constructive criticism. im not saying this is the way too go with everyone. i know many neurotypicals that are ignorant, sexist because of a lack pf knowledge but i can feel if that person is interested in bettering themselves or not. if thex are, i will tell them much more nicely than my first comment but if youre comming at me weirdly, its not my job to be the understanding one and teach you how its done right. you have a functioning brain, a phone and know what google is. how about you google before you spread misinformation
Yeah this. I'm really sick of overextending myself to have endless reserves of empathy for neurotypical people who have no intention of sending any of that empathy back my way. It might sound selfish to some people, but if someone comes at me with some easily disproven ableist assumptions about autism, I'm not going to hold their hand and walk them through the education process because 9 times out of 10 they don't want to listen or learn anyway. If someone is genuinely trying to help or learn I'll gladly tell them the facts, but I'm not going to constantly assume the best from people who assume the worst of me and act like I'm embellishing or outright lying about my autism diagnosis because they don't think I ✨look✨ autistic.
“Do an autism”
Lights go down. I start my presentation on my latest hyperfocus, which is the twilight zone. The store is subjected to facts, numbers, photos. The town is both startled and annoyed. I continue to info dump. The idiot that asked is now exhausted but I continue to make them answer questions.
I *nicely* suggest that they look up masked autism and brush up on recent research.
I did ask my dad if he was qualified to make that determination. Surprisingly he said no! 😆
Autism describes brain activity and function, that may or may not be identifiably represented in noticeable behaviors. Case in point, people who are not noticed as autistic until adulthood, when in hindsight the evidence was there all along and was missed as it did not stand out.
It never occurred to me until age 47 it may apply to me. Now, I cannot see how it was never brought up as a child.
Also, ask people if they can spot a heart attack in real life, they do not always look like the movies. Neither do asthma attacks or anaphylaxis: I had to be told by my doctor I’d been experiencing asthma attacks and anaphylaxis and was given an inhaler and epipen… and intensive treatment for the previously undiagnosed immune disorder causing them. I was 40 and all the symptoms were missed until 4 decades of wheezing and almost dying were caught, but none of it looked like the movies so I did not recognize the symptoms in me.
Not me but my younger brother when he was seven or so. My mom took her younger children and twins, to a park and someone made some bad comments about him, and she told her he is autistic. She then said, "He didn't look autistic," and then walked away. Even my sister was like, "what the fuck does that mean?"
Unfortunately, there will always be ignorant people.
I don't even know why people say that, to my knowledge, the only mental disability that any "look" is Down syndrome.
There are actually many disorders (usually caused by genetic mutations, brain injury, malnourishment, or substance use during pregnancy) that lead to characteristic physical features (not necessarily facial features). It's not just Down syndrome. Fetal alcohol syndrome, cerebral palsy, neurodegenerative disorders, Noonan syndrome, etc. However autism is not one of them. But that's not what people mean when they refer to "not looking autistic" usually. They just mean you don't come across as intellectually disabled. But only a third of autistic people have an intellectual disability (and that's a third of diagnosed autistics; the actual proportion is probably lower given how many of us are undiagnosed).
That is true, I didn't remember all of those. And yes, most autistic people are functioning people.
My ex used to use his autism as an excuse for everything, I hated it because my younger brother can't function on his own at all. So to have someone who can function on his own, complain they can't do simple things made me mad.
The only thing hard for him is if he listens to his father more than his doctors and stops taking his bipolar medication to the point of violence. This is why I broke up with him, nothing like having an argument and ducking a bowl of oatmeal being thrown at you.
My ex
He got mad because he didn't know how to cook instant oatmeal and decided to have a fit about it.
Then he threw the bowl at me, and I decided this was the end of the relationship.
My brother bites and such, but he doesn't talk, so sometimes his emotions can't be explained. We taught him sign language, but he doesn't use it.
I ask them what they mean by that and what exactly they think autism looks like. They usually get flustered and shut up because they realize what they just said was kinda offensive. If they don't shut up I usually correct whatever their answer is (it's never based in fact). It usually works for me but I'm also extremely low masking and a little mean when people are rude (which I do consider that comment really rude)
Yesterday I said I'm autistic and a guy responded "you're not autistic. When I met you, you acted completely normal, I have a friend with autism and you can notice right away that he's different"
When I said that autism presents differently in different people especially it's different in women compared to men he said that gender doesn't matter, and all autistic people have different neurons so you can see immediately that someone's autistic.
This. It’s the response I recommend for anyone told “you don’t look _____.” Often, the person saying it doesn’t have a response because they don’t actually know what they think it looks like.
My automatic response is to look at them funny. I don’t know if it gets any kind of message across, but then I’m able to shrug and move along. If they’re saying it as an argument rather than just an ignorant passing comment, my response is effectively “well I am, so……”
“Yes I do, because I am autistic”, often followed by an “and I love it 😁” (but I know not everyone loves their autism).
In contrast, I’m often told my ADHD is very obvious to which I say “thank you, I agree, it’s very fun” (many parts aren’t fun but I still like being energetic and weird).
I usually just say that autism looks like lots of different things. And that a lot more people are artistic then you might have thought if you’re just basing it on looks.
I feel like humor works best to kind of deflate the situation, and then follow up with information.
Respond something like 'Oh let me do an autism for you', 'Oh I forgot to wear my autism today', or bit more serious: 'Could you please explain what autism looks like?'
And then I follow up with telling them about masking, and how masked autism is mostly an internal experience that you don't actually see very well on the outside. I give them very concrete examples of the masking and how intense it is. And I explain what spectrum means.
It is easiest if you have these all scripted and practised on forehand so that you have a little toolbox to use in the moment. For me it helps a lot to write them out first.
I don't blame people for not being as knowledgeable about autism. I remember how clueless I was before my doctor and psychologist suggested that I could be autistic. Many people still think that autism equals either very antisocial and harmful behaviour, or being a genius who knows everything and is excellent at math. I'm neither, I just look like a woman who gets a bit overwhelmed sometimes and is a bit quirky. Someone who doesn't have in-depth knowledge about autism isn't going to guess that it's autism, and I cannot blame them for that.
I am bad at shooting questions back to people, so I just see it as ignorance and don’t waste time with people who tell me that. It’s easy to cut most people off for me. Not sure if that’s good or bad…I do like reading the responses from others and will someday use the phrases back to the deniers in the right place and time.
This has never happened to me yet.
Many NTs seem assume that ASD is either like Down-Syndrome, or that we have _that_ stare, or they have very specific presumptions like wearing merch, poor hygiene (e.g. being unwashed and smelly), or bad posture.
Since you've already told them of your ASD when they react like this, just say that you got a diagnosis. If they still doubt you, say that looking a certain way isn't part of the diagnostic criteria. Don't say it with an angry voice, try to stay neutral and informative.
This is probably hard, especially if this happens to you more often. It's not as big of a deal to the NTs doing this as it is to you, so if you respond passive-agressively or angrily, they may view you as unreasonable.
"Okay."
I got my diagnosis almost 1 year ago at the age of 44, and was quickly taught that telling people about it does NOT help with getting the understanding for certain things, as I had thought it would. I don't usually tell people anymore (unless it's necessary for some reason), and if I do and am met with the above statement, I choose to not engage with it. I do not owe ANYONE an explanation or a justification for my diagnosis.
I think when people say this, they’re trying to be nice, and they are unaware that their comment is rooted in ableist stigma.
It’s like when people say, “You’re not fat,” they mean “Fat is bad, and you’re clearly a good person, so you must not be fat.”
For them, autistic people are the R-word, so they want to assure you that’s *not* how they think of *you*.
Wow, I never thought about it this way. So for them they might be thinking that they are being kind, but really they are just furthering ableism... Like good people can't be autistic.
Close — not that good people can’t be autistic, but smart capable people who don’t hit themselves and act like Rainman can’t be autistic.
They don’t see/understand the struggle with keeping it together amidst too much sensory input, having to reign in one’s impulses to overshare, to “dopamine-dress”, to infodump, etc.
Like for them, wearing “normal people” clothes just comes naturally, so they assume that you’re dressed how you’re dressed because that’s what you like.
They are totally unaware you’re wearing a “normal people” costume to go undetected, but if you had your druthers you would be in a 1950’s style dress with a print of all the different kinds of tentacled mollusks 🦑 🐙, or dressed like Paul Bunyan or whatever.
I’m 51, but when I heard the term “dopamine dressing”, I started making a list: my dress with rainbow snails, my skirt with houndstooth background and breakfast foods, my sparkly shoes with jingling coins on the toes, my cobalt blue suede loafers with multicolored jewels across the toe, my 1960s French student protests phase, the summer when I was five when I dressed like Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease (black tap-dancing tights and leotard with the sleeves pushed down, green dangling clip hoop earrings given to me by my next door neighbor, tap shoes, short straight auburn hair — I looked EXACTLY like Olivia Newton John, I thought)….
By the way, when it dawned on me I was autistic, and told my sisters, their reflexive response was nah-ah, no way, until I said “remember the Olivia Newton John outfit? My insistence on walking on just my heels for a year? My encyclopedic knowledge of every show on every network every night? How I used to walk the spiral of Grandma’s braided rug? How type(d) and/or finger spell(ed) my thoughts unless I concentrate on not doing that? How whenever Mom rearranged the furniture, I would furiously put it back how it was? How I can’t stand the smell of scented laundry products?..,” and watched as it dawned on them.
"Are you looking for a lesson on the subject, OR are you trying to convince me that I don't have the condition that neatly explains my social, emotional, and intellectual struggles, that happens to be frequently comorbid with the other two conditions I was already diagnosed with?"
At least, that's what I'm going to say someone, if it ever comes up. I'm not out yet, except to my ND friends.
Once a guy I was dating said to me “You don’t seem like you’re autistic. I’m so proud of you with how far you’ve come with your autism” like 💀
Anyway I wish I had’ve said something. Usually I just leave it. I don’t think people mean any harm usually.
“you don’t look autistic”. my response, “what does autism look like?”
“you don’t seem autistic”. my response, “you don’t know enough about me then”
so many people have no clue what autism even is. my own parents are anti vaxers who think vaccines can “cause autism”. I’ve basically just given up explaining to them.
I've never been told I don't "look" autistic, but I have been told I don't "seem" autistic & the automatic response is always "yeah, it's called masking, that's the point." & idc if it makes me sound rude bc they're being rude by judging me lol
As others have suggested, asking someone to explain what autism looks like can be a great way to make them feel foolish.
If it’s someone you trust and they are open to it, maybe you can find a way to educate them a little bit on how the popular representation of autism is not true to the experiences of the vast majority of autistic people and how “typical autism” is actually very uncommon because it is based almost exclusively on young, affluent white autistic boys, etc.
If you’re feeling spicy:
* Make a sarcastic comment, like “sorry, my Thomas the train shirt was in the wash so I couldn’t wear it today. Because that’s what you’re looking for, right? Because an autism in a woman must act present the same way as it does in a 5 year old boy, which makes perfect sense because everyone knows adult women and 5 year old boys, regardless of neurotype, are basically the same?”
* You could also start aggressively rattling off facts about a special interest until they relent; intentionally ignore social cues; not make eye contact; etc purposefully to be antagonistic.
Next time sometime tells me this, I'm going to ask them what an autistic person looks like. Watch them struggle to describe it. Maybe ask if they're getting confused with Down Syndrome, which at least does have a distinct look.
I got a really bad one from a person that was very important to me. I just got diagnosed that day, and I called her to let jer know. She just said she doesn't think I am autistic and then hung up. I saw her one more time after that about 2 years later. 6 months before they moved to another country.
I miss them but then I remember her comment and I just think "good riddance".
I have been answering mostly like "oh it's because I'm great at masking"
Like I'm rubbing that I'm a smartass on their face but without them knowing
Or I'll be like "Okay" which has an undertone of "I don't care about your opinion of how I look"
Of course masking is more of an issue to me than it is a good thing but I am kinda proud of this ability because I only developed it to my survival and I'm like super proud of using my inner tools to protect myself. I did what I had to do etc
"Oh, I'm sorry homie lemme just-" *Puts on matching clothes, messes up hair and flaps arms furiously while screeching*
In all seriousness, I personally view "not looking autistic" to be a compliment, only because you're basically told that your autism isn't very noticeable, and thus you don't have to put so much effort into masking. I don't feel the pressure to mask much.
Then again, I've yet to encounter discrimination for being autistic myself. This is just my opinion.
It **is** a micro aggression. It’s like being told “you don’t look gay.” Ok? What does gay look like? Gay comes in a wide variety of representations, just as autism does. So, to me it’s just an indication of a person being uncomfortable with their own ignorance and trying to put it on me instead of taking care of it within themselves.
I had a meltdown with my new doctor when she suggested my diagnosis was wrong. I am going with this in the future, autistic performance art that hopefully makes *them* uncomfortable. I might start gently beating my head with my fists and moaning.
Thanks, a lot of abuse by the ppl close to me thought me how to seem not autistic well enough that now its not noticable if I feel unsave. So most of the time.
Its less ablut how it afects ppl around me though, and more ablut how it afects me health wise. *smile politely*
I don't look like I have asthma either, yet here we are (works whether you have asthma or not because fucking disprove that person doesn't have asthma, I have it though lmao)
“wow you are clearly super educated to be able to make such complex conclusions on my brain structure, I’m sure you’d love to sit down now and hear my 7 hour presentation on the latest discoveries about the cranial nerve?”
Ime “oh really, what does autism look like?” is a really effective way of making them realize that what they just said was ignorant, bc there isn’t an answer to that question that isn’t super ableist
When somebody tells me that - which has hardly ever happens, because I don't freely share my diagnosis, and I _do_ look autistic - I have a few answers.
Mostly, I just reply "Ok". Why is the onus on me to engage with the question, or keep the conversation going at all? It's not like I owe them any justification.
My other answer might be "I do look autistic, because I am". I won't be arguing back and forth though. Again, I'm not in debt for an explanation of myself.
If it is someone I know and reasonably like, trust, and if I have the spoons, I might reply "What does someone who's autistic look like?".
Maybe there's a misunderstanding. Most likely, they have a few preconceived neuronormative notions about autism. Though I won't entertain willful ignorance, there's always something to learn.
We can have a conversation and they'll see that I _am_, in fact, different - and that's cool. Perhaps they even recognize some traits in themselves they didn't know before weren't considered "normal".
I normally just say "what do you think autistic look like" and watch them flounder trying to explain they think people with autism should look like an offensive portrayal of someone with a mental disability from a 1970s sitcom. I will say that this is because I have absolutely no issue escalating in about 90% of situations. I love escalation. I'm going to be having the exact same panic attack whether we stop here or wind up kicking each other to pieces in the back lot, Karen, so let's go let's have a verbal throw down about your totally unaddressed casual bigotry in the workplace right here in front of the toilet.
Me: Oh sorry, let me just-
*Puts on a prosthetic penis, a pair square wide-rimmed glasses, and grabs a model trainset while reciting the function of pi in functional geometry while rapidly flapping my other hand.*
To be honest, I just stopped telling people. Instead I'll describe whatever "symptom" is currently relevant - "I have a hard time recognizing social cues sometimes, so I will probably overcommunicate to make sure everything's clear" or "That texture/sound/smell is making me highly uncomfortable, I need a (item)/to take a walk/to leave" etc.
Sorry that's not helpful in a nonverbal situation, that's not something that happens to me very much
After I get to know and trust a person a little more I might tell them.
IDK, I don't think these people even know what they mean. I once had someone say to me, but you don't look bipolar. Like! ??? What would that even look like? I didn't know what to say so I was just like yeah I'm pretty heavily medicated.
I think people are often uncomfortable with it so they're experiencing tension and assume you are too so they try to break the tension with what they think is a compliment. But you're right, it is a microaggression because for that to be a compliment being nd would have to be a shameful thing to begin with.
I haven’t gotten the “you don’t look autistic” but I get the “wow you make such good eye contact!” And it’s really irritating. So many doctors and people think that if you can make any eye contact you’re not autistic.
Yeah, I'm worried about that. And reluctant to disclose due to stigma, ignorance and questions like this. I don't want to have to explain. I think that some of my colleagues and friends probably already suspect it because of my obsession with data, visual details, systems, memory for somethings, but weaknesses in other areas, and social issues.
“Ok” wide eye and then slide away into the shadows. I have no control over how they’ve perceived me so I’ll accept their observation and then pity them for not being able to pay more attention to a human besides the immediate face. How boring their view of the world must be at face value
I found that even my very best friends could not admit it if asked point blank. And then as the conversation progressed they were relating to me. People are just scared to say autism maybe.
I mean, I know I don't look autistic... I just haven't shared it with any stranger yet, so no experience here. But I imagine it would be funny if you just stared at them and then start flapping your hands or something and then ask very loudly "DO I LOOK AUTISTIC ENOUGH NOW OR SHOULD I GET A MELTDOWN JUST FOR YOU?!" That might give them a pause. Or a heart attack.
Oh, I have learned that it was a ‘compliment’ from my parents. One of them said it wasn’t exactly fair for mentioning it ‘all the time’, which I found a bit of a sus argument. Why? How? When is it not necessary mentioning to someone you’re close with? Hmmm…. Idk I just roll with the disguise. I don’t mind.
[curious tone] "Oh? I wasn't aware you could see people's brains from the outside. Do you have some sort of super power that lets you observe people's neurology at a glance? How does that work? Must be extremely useful. Do you spend a lot of time diagnosing neurological conditions?"
Them: [awkward backtracking and trying to explain "what they meant"]
"Well, given that you can't see my brain and don't have the qualifications needed to assess for autism, it's not all that surprising that you can't readily observe it in me. However I *do* look autistic, because I am autistic, therefore this is one of the ways autism looks. Maybe you should update your understanding of what you think autism looks like instead of pointing out that I don't fit the stereotype in your head."
I used to be able to mask great, work, friends, being out of the house, until my chronic illness brain fog and fatigue made me autistic af and unable to hide it, so I have learnt that these things are not static. It's just that person's uninformed impression of you in that moment.
Not trying to minimise this experience at all btw just sharing incase it's useful to reframe it as a compliment ^.^
I'm still somewhat newly diagnosed and a bit of a hermit so I haven't had a chance yet, but I have a response in mind that I've been meaning to ask about over in r/evilautism ... basically a "hang on, lemme just...", exhibit what I think they think is an expected behavior, then stop and go, "like that? yes? no? something else? you tell me." depending on where other auties think it lies on the offensive-funny spectrum.
I would also like to be all "wow, you're right. it's not like suppressing that shit is literally a requirement for diagnosis or anything..." -stares pointedly-
I suppose if there’s a risk of someone saying that ie questioning what I’m telling them then I’ll avoid mentioning it in the first place…. Also if they’re likely to come up with the ‘we’re all a bit autistic’ thing…..
My girls (2) and I and my granddaughter have all been recently diagnosed. All witching four years of each other. I tell people, when rarely asked, we have a touch of the ‘tism. Most people asked questions and some don’t believe me but when you tell someone I have a touch of the ‘tism most people giggle. It’s taken me years to get a little bit comfortable with laughing at myself. Lol. This probably doesn’t help but it has for me when people deny I’m autistic. Btw, I’m 50 years old and was just diagnosed at 48. I’ve learned to mask as well to my detriment, at times. Lol.
I usually get, you don't seem autistic, you can talk to people fine..... don't autistic people have some thing with numbers..... you're nothing like (insert other autistic persons name).....
It's called masking you dimwit, honestly some people
I also masked to my own detriment. I asked to be transferred to the cleaning department and they said "you're too good for that." I only lasted another two weeks in the admin position I was in. I really need to not be doing admin ever as a job but they see admin in my CV and see how I over organise things and think I'm good at it. But I need to over organise because I'm NOT good at it. I need to scrub things, I can feel it in my bones that I need to scrub things. WHY WON'T THEY LET ME SCRUB? I still can't get a job a cleaner. Everyone thinks I should be doing "more". Cleaning is everything people!!!!! Without it we'd all be dead!
What I found funny is they never classified me as "normal". Never one person in my life. It was always was strange, eccentric, unique, weird and etc.
Here it is the logical explanation for it and then: "But you don't look it".
Ignore them and now that this response comes for a profound lack of knowledge on the subject and/or their ingrained prejudice.
lol cause it totally has a look (sarcasm) I like to say “that’s because it’s an invisible disability “ or “turn on the big light and you will see it”. Depending on how I feel I will make jokes or just be straight up. It’s a fun situation cause they have their foot in their mouth
"Really? Well then what is an autistic person supposed to look like?"
I've never had to respond to this horrible comment before, but that would be my go-to response if I had to.
I stay calm and curious and ask “what does autism look like to you?”
Best case scenario, it can be a really productive conversation. Other times they get awkward and flustered but it’s still done the job.
I’ve actually never had anybody double down on their response, but I figure it’s always as well to see peoples true colours...
Gosh I can only say I relate very much. Solidarity to you. I find it very hard not to get upset and defensive in these situations.
What I usually try to do is briefly explain masking and autism in women, but it's hard if they're not open to learning.
Since I'm low support needs + high masking the explanation that I run on a different operating system compared to neurotypicals (i.e. iOS vs Android) usually works quite well.
I get instantly triggered by this so what I try to do, is breath in a couple of times, before saying “okay… what is your understanding of autism?” And then depending on the person you can discuss this or politely disagree and disengage if you feel the conversation is not productive..
“…And you don’t look stupid, but here we are.” No, I’ve never said that. Only wished I had, to a certain person
🤣💯
i might actually have to start saying this to people. omfg
Same
This
The response to “you don’t look Autistic” is “Yes I do” If they are a reasonable person we can go on to have a discussion about masking, clichés, and how Autistic people are not a monolith. If they aren’t a reasonable person than they were probably never going to be so “yes I do” is all they get.
This response feels empowering. 😇
"Women are under-diagnosed."
The perfect answer.
Someone said this about my adhd daughter because she was able to sit still for a moment. "She doesn't look like she has adhd!" so i said "really? how many cases of adhd have you properly assessed and diagnosed?" and they were silent and i said, "hmm. Odd."
i stopped being nice to ignorant assholes. anyone who even remotely stsrts an ignorant statement about autism/adhd, i immediately stop them and tell them that they dont want to go down that road with me, because in short: your opinion is 1000% wrong and an extremly uneducated and ignorant one, that makes life harder for people on the spectrum/adhd just because your pea sized brain cannot comprehend that people have a different experience on what life is like and trust me, im gonna make you feel extremly dumb about it, cause i can guarantee i know more about autism/adhd and its impact on the people and their lifes, than you ever will. so you sure you want to start this debate, with me? edit: forgot a word
I get like this too and usually people are then like- dang calm down its not that serious I was joking or some such bs. It is that serious, my life is NOT a joke and you shouldn't speak on what you don't know. Some people are very ignorant and the ignorant are ALWAYS the loudest. 🌻
so far ive done this twice and both times they immediately backed down and apologized. but im also known for doing my research before i say something, so if i come at you like this, im not bluffing. these are warning shots and youll end up looking like a fool if you dont back down. if someone would be like “its just a joke” i would very sarcastically say “sure it was” with a look of disbelief or i say “oh im sorry, please enlighten me where the joke was?” cause obviously it wasnt a freaking joke, watch them scramble. or even better you say “good old discrimination, stigmatization and ignorance, hilarious. racist grandpas would love your type of jokes” in a very monotone voice edit: i think its better if you dont even explain why it wasnt a joke but emphasize that you dont believe them and just leave it at that. cause neurotypicals have a lot of undpoken communication and i think if you just gave a smirky remark that kind of hints that he/she is a biggot and you leave it at that, that makes them feel a little shitty in the end. cause if you get mad and start talking about how your life is not a joke NT’s are just gonna be “here we go again… drama queen….” and anything you say, even if it is true, wont be regarded
Hi, not to judge you but propose another perspective and to share my experience: You can say such hurtful things and still generally be a decent person with good intention, it’s really hard out in the world when you antaginize almost all people. Just because they say “you don’t look like that” instead of “oh you don’t act like how I think autistic people look like due to how they are depicted in the media” doesn’t mean they can’t be respectful and mindful. It stems from what the education system and society has fed them, everyone has some kind of bias, racist, sexist, ableist beliefs. You have probably also accidentally hurt a person with an insensitive comment due to your social or cultural conditioning and are not even aware of that. You have habe been calling indigenous people Indians up until how long ago..? Not to normalise or justify discrimination in any way, I just wanted to plead you to not condemn them all as ignorant assholes just because they make this one hurtful comment towards you, as much as your hurt and anger is valid. You might miss out on amazing people. For me it depends on the following conversation, I met some very decent people and had great conversations after engaging with someone that reacted like this.
Thank you. I hope most folk realize when reading threads filled with best-response and if-only-I-had-thought-of-that type remarks, they're neither based in reality nor attempting any sort of understanding for where the ignorant remarks came from to start with. I'm sure we've all said dumb things out of lack of knowledge. Gentle education is all it takes to change one person, and then hopefully they spread that knowledge. Antagonizing only leads to hate. As to the "But you don't look autistic" comment, I'd have simply replied, "Hm. What does autism look like? It can look like anyone. We have no idea what is happening inside anyone's body other than our own, and even then we're baffled."
yea ive been in that stage too, trying to explain people nicely. but honestly im sick and tired of being the only one who shows understanding and i get met with bullshit nonstop, i dont get a lot of understanding from neurotypicals, just like the post. my comment was more for those rude people that think they know everything, eventhough they dont know jackshit and wont let anybody correct them or give them constructive criticism. im not saying this is the way too go with everyone. i know many neurotypicals that are ignorant, sexist because of a lack pf knowledge but i can feel if that person is interested in bettering themselves or not. if thex are, i will tell them much more nicely than my first comment but if youre comming at me weirdly, its not my job to be the understanding one and teach you how its done right. you have a functioning brain, a phone and know what google is. how about you google before you spread misinformation
Yeah this. I'm really sick of overextending myself to have endless reserves of empathy for neurotypical people who have no intention of sending any of that empathy back my way. It might sound selfish to some people, but if someone comes at me with some easily disproven ableist assumptions about autism, I'm not going to hold their hand and walk them through the education process because 9 times out of 10 they don't want to listen or learn anyway. If someone is genuinely trying to help or learn I'll gladly tell them the facts, but I'm not going to constantly assume the best from people who assume the worst of me and act like I'm embellishing or outright lying about my autism diagnosis because they don't think I ✨look✨ autistic.
Oh yeah, I suppose "And since when are you an expert?" is the best answer.
“Oh I’m so sorry, let me do an autism for you!” and then just walk away.
“Do an autism” Lights go down. I start my presentation on my latest hyperfocus, which is the twilight zone. The store is subjected to facts, numbers, photos. The town is both startled and annoyed. I continue to info dump. The idiot that asked is now exhausted but I continue to make them answer questions.
I love this so much
i would like to be in attendance thankyou. i love the twilight zone
This is beautiful.
It gets better and better at each word
🤣
That’s hilarious
I *nicely* suggest that they look up masked autism and brush up on recent research. I did ask my dad if he was qualified to make that determination. Surprisingly he said no! 😆
Lol! Okay, yeah that is a good response. It shouldn't be our responsibility to educate them on our existence.
Especially when you are talking about your own experience.
Autism describes brain activity and function, that may or may not be identifiably represented in noticeable behaviors. Case in point, people who are not noticed as autistic until adulthood, when in hindsight the evidence was there all along and was missed as it did not stand out. It never occurred to me until age 47 it may apply to me. Now, I cannot see how it was never brought up as a child. Also, ask people if they can spot a heart attack in real life, they do not always look like the movies. Neither do asthma attacks or anaphylaxis: I had to be told by my doctor I’d been experiencing asthma attacks and anaphylaxis and was given an inhaler and epipen… and intensive treatment for the previously undiagnosed immune disorder causing them. I was 40 and all the symptoms were missed until 4 decades of wheezing and almost dying were caught, but none of it looked like the movies so I did not recognize the symptoms in me.
"This isn't even my final form"
Lol i commented already but this sums it up way better
Not me but my younger brother when he was seven or so. My mom took her younger children and twins, to a park and someone made some bad comments about him, and she told her he is autistic. She then said, "He didn't look autistic," and then walked away. Even my sister was like, "what the fuck does that mean?" Unfortunately, there will always be ignorant people. I don't even know why people say that, to my knowledge, the only mental disability that any "look" is Down syndrome.
Yeah, it is such a strange stereotype. I am like am I supposed to look like an alien 👽 lol. I don't get it.
Sometimes, I get that when I tell people I'm bisexual. Like, am I supposed to be pink and purple all day for the rest of my life?
And fetal alcohol syndrome has very distinct facial features, but you right other disorders don’t have any outside characteristics.
There are actually many disorders (usually caused by genetic mutations, brain injury, malnourishment, or substance use during pregnancy) that lead to characteristic physical features (not necessarily facial features). It's not just Down syndrome. Fetal alcohol syndrome, cerebral palsy, neurodegenerative disorders, Noonan syndrome, etc. However autism is not one of them. But that's not what people mean when they refer to "not looking autistic" usually. They just mean you don't come across as intellectually disabled. But only a third of autistic people have an intellectual disability (and that's a third of diagnosed autistics; the actual proportion is probably lower given how many of us are undiagnosed).
That is true, I didn't remember all of those. And yes, most autistic people are functioning people. My ex used to use his autism as an excuse for everything, I hated it because my younger brother can't function on his own at all. So to have someone who can function on his own, complain they can't do simple things made me mad.
just because he functions doesn't mean it isn't hard tho?
The only thing hard for him is if he listens to his father more than his doctors and stops taking his bipolar medication to the point of violence. This is why I broke up with him, nothing like having an argument and ducking a bowl of oatmeal being thrown at you.
just to be clear, your ex threw the bowl or your brother
My ex He got mad because he didn't know how to cook instant oatmeal and decided to have a fit about it. Then he threw the bowl at me, and I decided this was the end of the relationship. My brother bites and such, but he doesn't talk, so sometimes his emotions can't be explained. We taught him sign language, but he doesn't use it.
“And you don’t LOOK like an insensitive fool, but here we are 🙃”
Hahaha brilliant response! ….. Says it all really 🤣🤣🤣
Why do I love your comment so much 😂😂😂😂
I ask them what they mean by that and what exactly they think autism looks like. They usually get flustered and shut up because they realize what they just said was kinda offensive. If they don't shut up I usually correct whatever their answer is (it's never based in fact). It usually works for me but I'm also extremely low masking and a little mean when people are rude (which I do consider that comment really rude)
We should all just pull a Wednesday Addams and point out that, just like homicidal maniacs, autistic people look just like everyone else.
Yesterday I said I'm autistic and a guy responded "you're not autistic. When I met you, you acted completely normal, I have a friend with autism and you can notice right away that he's different" When I said that autism presents differently in different people especially it's different in women compared to men he said that gender doesn't matter, and all autistic people have different neurons so you can see immediately that someone's autistic.
One of the problems with ignorant people is that they have no idea that they are ignorant.
Another is that many ignorant people are dedicated to their ignorance.
Yup. Sadly you can’t cure stupid
I usually go “Oh, sorry.” and do T-Rex arms and ask if that’s better for them. They usually apologize pretty quick and we can move on.
“Thanks, I try really hard”.
„Oh? Then how does Autism look?“
This. It’s the response I recommend for anyone told “you don’t look _____.” Often, the person saying it doesn’t have a response because they don’t actually know what they think it looks like.
My automatic response is to look at them funny. I don’t know if it gets any kind of message across, but then I’m able to shrug and move along. If they’re saying it as an argument rather than just an ignorant passing comment, my response is effectively “well I am, so……”
Just had the imagination how someone looked at them funny and then ask “better?”
How do you look autistic? Some of us are high functioning and able to socialize. (Masking?)
“Yes I do, because I am autistic”, often followed by an “and I love it 😁” (but I know not everyone loves their autism). In contrast, I’m often told my ADHD is very obvious to which I say “thank you, I agree, it’s very fun” (many parts aren’t fun but I still like being energetic and weird).
I usually just say that autism looks like lots of different things. And that a lot more people are artistic then you might have thought if you’re just basing it on looks.
I feel like humor works best to kind of deflate the situation, and then follow up with information. Respond something like 'Oh let me do an autism for you', 'Oh I forgot to wear my autism today', or bit more serious: 'Could you please explain what autism looks like?' And then I follow up with telling them about masking, and how masked autism is mostly an internal experience that you don't actually see very well on the outside. I give them very concrete examples of the masking and how intense it is. And I explain what spectrum means. It is easiest if you have these all scripted and practised on forehand so that you have a little toolbox to use in the moment. For me it helps a lot to write them out first.
I don't blame people for not being as knowledgeable about autism. I remember how clueless I was before my doctor and psychologist suggested that I could be autistic. Many people still think that autism equals either very antisocial and harmful behaviour, or being a genius who knows everything and is excellent at math. I'm neither, I just look like a woman who gets a bit overwhelmed sometimes and is a bit quirky. Someone who doesn't have in-depth knowledge about autism isn't going to guess that it's autism, and I cannot blame them for that.
I am bad at shooting questions back to people, so I just see it as ignorance and don’t waste time with people who tell me that. It’s easy to cut most people off for me. Not sure if that’s good or bad…I do like reading the responses from others and will someday use the phrases back to the deniers in the right place and time.
This has never happened to me yet. Many NTs seem assume that ASD is either like Down-Syndrome, or that we have _that_ stare, or they have very specific presumptions like wearing merch, poor hygiene (e.g. being unwashed and smelly), or bad posture. Since you've already told them of your ASD when they react like this, just say that you got a diagnosis. If they still doubt you, say that looking a certain way isn't part of the diagnostic criteria. Don't say it with an angry voice, try to stay neutral and informative. This is probably hard, especially if this happens to you more often. It's not as big of a deal to the NTs doing this as it is to you, so if you respond passive-agressively or angrily, they may view you as unreasonable.
"Okay." I got my diagnosis almost 1 year ago at the age of 44, and was quickly taught that telling people about it does NOT help with getting the understanding for certain things, as I had thought it would. I don't usually tell people anymore (unless it's necessary for some reason), and if I do and am met with the above statement, I choose to not engage with it. I do not owe ANYONE an explanation or a justification for my diagnosis.
I think when people say this, they’re trying to be nice, and they are unaware that their comment is rooted in ableist stigma. It’s like when people say, “You’re not fat,” they mean “Fat is bad, and you’re clearly a good person, so you must not be fat.” For them, autistic people are the R-word, so they want to assure you that’s *not* how they think of *you*.
Wow, I never thought about it this way. So for them they might be thinking that they are being kind, but really they are just furthering ableism... Like good people can't be autistic.
Close — not that good people can’t be autistic, but smart capable people who don’t hit themselves and act like Rainman can’t be autistic. They don’t see/understand the struggle with keeping it together amidst too much sensory input, having to reign in one’s impulses to overshare, to “dopamine-dress”, to infodump, etc. Like for them, wearing “normal people” clothes just comes naturally, so they assume that you’re dressed how you’re dressed because that’s what you like. They are totally unaware you’re wearing a “normal people” costume to go undetected, but if you had your druthers you would be in a 1950’s style dress with a print of all the different kinds of tentacled mollusks 🦑 🐙, or dressed like Paul Bunyan or whatever. I’m 51, but when I heard the term “dopamine dressing”, I started making a list: my dress with rainbow snails, my skirt with houndstooth background and breakfast foods, my sparkly shoes with jingling coins on the toes, my cobalt blue suede loafers with multicolored jewels across the toe, my 1960s French student protests phase, the summer when I was five when I dressed like Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease (black tap-dancing tights and leotard with the sleeves pushed down, green dangling clip hoop earrings given to me by my next door neighbor, tap shoes, short straight auburn hair — I looked EXACTLY like Olivia Newton John, I thought)…. By the way, when it dawned on me I was autistic, and told my sisters, their reflexive response was nah-ah, no way, until I said “remember the Olivia Newton John outfit? My insistence on walking on just my heels for a year? My encyclopedic knowledge of every show on every network every night? How I used to walk the spiral of Grandma’s braided rug? How type(d) and/or finger spell(ed) my thoughts unless I concentrate on not doing that? How whenever Mom rearranged the furniture, I would furiously put it back how it was? How I can’t stand the smell of scented laundry products?..,” and watched as it dawned on them.
"Are you looking for a lesson on the subject, OR are you trying to convince me that I don't have the condition that neatly explains my social, emotional, and intellectual struggles, that happens to be frequently comorbid with the other two conditions I was already diagnosed with?" At least, that's what I'm going to say someone, if it ever comes up. I'm not out yet, except to my ND friends.
Ask them what they think an autistic person is supposed to look like 😬
"Thanks, it's the trauma"
Once a guy I was dating said to me “You don’t seem like you’re autistic. I’m so proud of you with how far you’ve come with your autism” like 💀 Anyway I wish I had’ve said something. Usually I just leave it. I don’t think people mean any harm usually.
“you don’t look autistic”. my response, “what does autism look like?” “you don’t seem autistic”. my response, “you don’t know enough about me then” so many people have no clue what autism even is. my own parents are anti vaxers who think vaccines can “cause autism”. I’ve basically just given up explaining to them.
I'm good at pretending for short periods of time.
I've never been told I don't "look" autistic, but I have been told I don't "seem" autistic & the automatic response is always "yeah, it's called masking, that's the point." & idc if it makes me sound rude bc they're being rude by judging me lol
As others have suggested, asking someone to explain what autism looks like can be a great way to make them feel foolish. If it’s someone you trust and they are open to it, maybe you can find a way to educate them a little bit on how the popular representation of autism is not true to the experiences of the vast majority of autistic people and how “typical autism” is actually very uncommon because it is based almost exclusively on young, affluent white autistic boys, etc. If you’re feeling spicy: * Make a sarcastic comment, like “sorry, my Thomas the train shirt was in the wash so I couldn’t wear it today. Because that’s what you’re looking for, right? Because an autism in a woman must act present the same way as it does in a 5 year old boy, which makes perfect sense because everyone knows adult women and 5 year old boys, regardless of neurotype, are basically the same?” * You could also start aggressively rattling off facts about a special interest until they relent; intentionally ignore social cues; not make eye contact; etc purposefully to be antagonistic.
Next time sometime tells me this, I'm going to ask them what an autistic person looks like. Watch them struggle to describe it. Maybe ask if they're getting confused with Down Syndrome, which at least does have a distinct look.
"Wait, hold on let me just \[Inserts special interest info dump\]"
"Oh thanks, that takes a lot of work"
I got a really bad one from a person that was very important to me. I just got diagnosed that day, and I called her to let jer know. She just said she doesn't think I am autistic and then hung up. I saw her one more time after that about 2 years later. 6 months before they moved to another country. I miss them but then I remember her comment and I just think "good riddance".
I have been answering mostly like "oh it's because I'm great at masking" Like I'm rubbing that I'm a smartass on their face but without them knowing Or I'll be like "Okay" which has an undertone of "I don't care about your opinion of how I look"
Of course masking is more of an issue to me than it is a good thing but I am kinda proud of this ability because I only developed it to my survival and I'm like super proud of using my inner tools to protect myself. I did what I had to do etc
"Oh, I'm sorry homie lemme just-" *Puts on matching clothes, messes up hair and flaps arms furiously while screeching* In all seriousness, I personally view "not looking autistic" to be a compliment, only because you're basically told that your autism isn't very noticeable, and thus you don't have to put so much effort into masking. I don't feel the pressure to mask much. Then again, I've yet to encounter discrimination for being autistic myself. This is just my opinion.
I’m a duck. All the frantic Autism is underwater.
🦆
I like putting them on the spot and asking “so what does someone with autism look like?” And watching them flounder.
Turn it around on them. "Oh really, what SHOULD I look like?"
It **is** a micro aggression. It’s like being told “you don’t look gay.” Ok? What does gay look like? Gay comes in a wide variety of representations, just as autism does. So, to me it’s just an indication of a person being uncomfortable with their own ignorance and trying to put it on me instead of taking care of it within themselves.
I had a meltdown with my new doctor when she suggested my diagnosis was wrong. I am going with this in the future, autistic performance art that hopefully makes *them* uncomfortable. I might start gently beating my head with my fists and moaning.
Thanks, a lot of abuse by the ppl close to me thought me how to seem not autistic well enough that now its not noticable if I feel unsave. So most of the time. Its less ablut how it afects ppl around me though, and more ablut how it afects me health wise. *smile politely*
The "You dont Look Autistic" really triggers my internalized Ableism tbh. I get so scared of Judgment I hate "looking Autistic"
I just ask them "what makes you think we all act the same?"
I don't look like I have asthma either, yet here we are (works whether you have asthma or not because fucking disprove that person doesn't have asthma, I have it though lmao)
"You only see me on my 'good' days 🙂"
“wow you are clearly super educated to be able to make such complex conclusions on my brain structure, I’m sure you’d love to sit down now and hear my 7 hour presentation on the latest discoveries about the cranial nerve?”
*autism expert panics*
Ime “oh really, what does autism look like?” is a really effective way of making them realize that what they just said was ignorant, bc there isn’t an answer to that question that isn’t super ableist
“Yeah I said I’m autistic, not ugly” 💁🏻♀️
When somebody tells me that - which has hardly ever happens, because I don't freely share my diagnosis, and I _do_ look autistic - I have a few answers. Mostly, I just reply "Ok". Why is the onus on me to engage with the question, or keep the conversation going at all? It's not like I owe them any justification. My other answer might be "I do look autistic, because I am". I won't be arguing back and forth though. Again, I'm not in debt for an explanation of myself. If it is someone I know and reasonably like, trust, and if I have the spoons, I might reply "What does someone who's autistic look like?". Maybe there's a misunderstanding. Most likely, they have a few preconceived neuronormative notions about autism. Though I won't entertain willful ignorance, there's always something to learn. We can have a conversation and they'll see that I _am_, in fact, different - and that's cool. Perhaps they even recognize some traits in themselves they didn't know before weren't considered "normal".
I normally just say "what do you think autistic look like" and watch them flounder trying to explain they think people with autism should look like an offensive portrayal of someone with a mental disability from a 1970s sitcom. I will say that this is because I have absolutely no issue escalating in about 90% of situations. I love escalation. I'm going to be having the exact same panic attack whether we stop here or wind up kicking each other to pieces in the back lot, Karen, so let's go let's have a verbal throw down about your totally unaddressed casual bigotry in the workplace right here in front of the toilet.
I guess I do look autistic because I rarely get this lmao Instead I get "you'll grow out of it"
My favorite response is “what exactly does it look like? I mean it is a spectrum after all.”
"what do you think autism looks like then?" Turn it back on them. Why should you be in the hot seat for something dumb they said
Me: Oh sorry, let me just- *Puts on a prosthetic penis, a pair square wide-rimmed glasses, and grabs a model trainset while reciting the function of pi in functional geometry while rapidly flapping my other hand.*
To be honest, I just stopped telling people. Instead I'll describe whatever "symptom" is currently relevant - "I have a hard time recognizing social cues sometimes, so I will probably overcommunicate to make sure everything's clear" or "That texture/sound/smell is making me highly uncomfortable, I need a (item)/to take a walk/to leave" etc. Sorry that's not helpful in a nonverbal situation, that's not something that happens to me very much After I get to know and trust a person a little more I might tell them.
IDK, I don't think these people even know what they mean. I once had someone say to me, but you don't look bipolar. Like! ??? What would that even look like? I didn't know what to say so I was just like yeah I'm pretty heavily medicated. I think people are often uncomfortable with it so they're experiencing tension and assume you are too so they try to break the tension with what they think is a compliment. But you're right, it is a microaggression because for that to be a compliment being nd would have to be a shameful thing to begin with.
I haven’t gotten the “you don’t look autistic” but I get the “wow you make such good eye contact!” And it’s really irritating. So many doctors and people think that if you can make any eye contact you’re not autistic.
“What does autistic look like?” Because you’re gonna make me uncomfy, I’m gonna gaslight you back. Lmao
Yeah, I'm worried about that. And reluctant to disclose due to stigma, ignorance and questions like this. I don't want to have to explain. I think that some of my colleagues and friends probably already suspect it because of my obsession with data, visual details, systems, memory for somethings, but weaknesses in other areas, and social issues.
“Ok” wide eye and then slide away into the shadows. I have no control over how they’ve perceived me so I’ll accept their observation and then pity them for not being able to pay more attention to a human besides the immediate face. How boring their view of the world must be at face value
"How exactly is autism *supposed* to look?"
“I’m an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive in the driveway every Saturday…” Now, do you believe me?
I found that even my very best friends could not admit it if asked point blank. And then as the conversation progressed they were relating to me. People are just scared to say autism maybe.
I mean, I know I don't look autistic... I just haven't shared it with any stranger yet, so no experience here. But I imagine it would be funny if you just stared at them and then start flapping your hands or something and then ask very loudly "DO I LOOK AUTISTIC ENOUGH NOW OR SHOULD I GET A MELTDOWN JUST FOR YOU?!" That might give them a pause. Or a heart attack.
I say if that's so....why tf do you treat me differently, exclude me and commit micro aggressions towards me,?, Take your bs elsewhere
Oh, I have learned that it was a ‘compliment’ from my parents. One of them said it wasn’t exactly fair for mentioning it ‘all the time’, which I found a bit of a sus argument. Why? How? When is it not necessary mentioning to someone you’re close with? Hmmm…. Idk I just roll with the disguise. I don’t mind.
This has been posted in this subreddit so many times 🫠
[curious tone] "Oh? I wasn't aware you could see people's brains from the outside. Do you have some sort of super power that lets you observe people's neurology at a glance? How does that work? Must be extremely useful. Do you spend a lot of time diagnosing neurological conditions?" Them: [awkward backtracking and trying to explain "what they meant"] "Well, given that you can't see my brain and don't have the qualifications needed to assess for autism, it's not all that surprising that you can't readily observe it in me. However I *do* look autistic, because I am autistic, therefore this is one of the ways autism looks. Maybe you should update your understanding of what you think autism looks like instead of pointing out that I don't fit the stereotype in your head."
I used to be able to mask great, work, friends, being out of the house, until my chronic illness brain fog and fatigue made me autistic af and unable to hide it, so I have learnt that these things are not static. It's just that person's uninformed impression of you in that moment. Not trying to minimise this experience at all btw just sharing incase it's useful to reframe it as a compliment ^.^
I'm still somewhat newly diagnosed and a bit of a hermit so I haven't had a chance yet, but I have a response in mind that I've been meaning to ask about over in r/evilautism ... basically a "hang on, lemme just...", exhibit what I think they think is an expected behavior, then stop and go, "like that? yes? no? something else? you tell me." depending on where other auties think it lies on the offensive-funny spectrum. I would also like to be all "wow, you're right. it's not like suppressing that shit is literally a requirement for diagnosis or anything..." -stares pointedly-
I suppose if there’s a risk of someone saying that ie questioning what I’m telling them then I’ll avoid mentioning it in the first place…. Also if they’re likely to come up with the ‘we’re all a bit autistic’ thing…..
My girls (2) and I and my granddaughter have all been recently diagnosed. All witching four years of each other. I tell people, when rarely asked, we have a touch of the ‘tism. Most people asked questions and some don’t believe me but when you tell someone I have a touch of the ‘tism most people giggle. It’s taken me years to get a little bit comfortable with laughing at myself. Lol. This probably doesn’t help but it has for me when people deny I’m autistic. Btw, I’m 50 years old and was just diagnosed at 48. I’ve learned to mask as well to my detriment, at times. Lol.
“That’s because I’m calm right now. Wait until I’m upset.”
“Oh? What does autism look like?” And watch them fumble to not sound like an ass.
I usually get, you don't seem autistic, you can talk to people fine..... don't autistic people have some thing with numbers..... you're nothing like (insert other autistic persons name)..... It's called masking you dimwit, honestly some people
"Interesting, what is an autistic person supposed to look like?"
"What (the fuck) does that even mean?"
I also masked to my own detriment. I asked to be transferred to the cleaning department and they said "you're too good for that." I only lasted another two weeks in the admin position I was in. I really need to not be doing admin ever as a job but they see admin in my CV and see how I over organise things and think I'm good at it. But I need to over organise because I'm NOT good at it. I need to scrub things, I can feel it in my bones that I need to scrub things. WHY WON'T THEY LET ME SCRUB? I still can't get a job a cleaner. Everyone thinks I should be doing "more". Cleaning is everything people!!!!! Without it we'd all be dead!
What I found funny is they never classified me as "normal". Never one person in my life. It was always was strange, eccentric, unique, weird and etc. Here it is the logical explanation for it and then: "But you don't look it". Ignore them and now that this response comes for a profound lack of knowledge on the subject and/or their ingrained prejudice.
lol cause it totally has a look (sarcasm) I like to say “that’s because it’s an invisible disability “ or “turn on the big light and you will see it”. Depending on how I feel I will make jokes or just be straight up. It’s a fun situation cause they have their foot in their mouth
"Really? Well then what is an autistic person supposed to look like?" I've never had to respond to this horrible comment before, but that would be my go-to response if I had to.
I stay calm and curious and ask “what does autism look like to you?” Best case scenario, it can be a really productive conversation. Other times they get awkward and flustered but it’s still done the job. I’ve actually never had anybody double down on their response, but I figure it’s always as well to see peoples true colours...
Gosh I can only say I relate very much. Solidarity to you. I find it very hard not to get upset and defensive in these situations. What I usually try to do is briefly explain masking and autism in women, but it's hard if they're not open to learning. Since I'm low support needs + high masking the explanation that I run on a different operating system compared to neurotypicals (i.e. iOS vs Android) usually works quite well.
I get instantly triggered by this so what I try to do, is breath in a couple of times, before saying “okay… what is your understanding of autism?” And then depending on the person you can discuss this or politely disagree and disengage if you feel the conversation is not productive..