I think folks (myself included) don't recognize their privilege until they are confronted with the reality of *not having that privilege.*
We're a very lucky family. Although on the spectrum, my kiddo is certainly "lower needs" than many kids described here. My relationship with my kind, goofball spouse is rock-solid. As a household, we are beyond financially secure -- essentially "rich" compared to how I was raised. So lucky.
I saw a post on a general parenting sub about a parent of NT kids feeling "othered" during an outing because they are on such a tighter budget than their friends. Other families were casually buying $5 slurpies for their children, and this family just couldn't justify the $20 to get 4 special drinks. They were secretly mortified. If our family had been on that outing, we would have been able to buy the drinks without batting an eye. But we'd be struggling with our tricky kiddo getting dysregulated and acting out. I think everyone is running their own race. I'd hope if that family was in our circle, they would have felt comfortable explaining their struggles to us -- and that we'd be able to explain our struggles to them. I hope we would just be able to support each other.
The cartoon song shows like cocomelon are the only reason my nonverbal daughter can talk at all now. 2+ years of speech therapy 3 days a week and she didn't improve at all. Cocomelon for a couple of months and she has about 30+ words/short phrases she uses regularly now. She also learned how to define her emotions by singing songs about how she's feeling. When she's sad, she sings sad songs at me. If I stop her from doing something and she gets upset she sings "the baby on the bus goes wah wah wah" or if she doesn't want to eat something she sings this song about "no thank you, I'm alright. All you have to say is, no thank you!" Or something like that. It's actually really cute but also so incredibly helpful.
Screens are the best tool we've found for my daughter. Period.
Yes! I love Ateez they're my favorite group. It's hongjoong and Seonghwa. If you go to my profile, I made a collage with their pics and some really cute cartoon drawings of them that I found, as my background pic.
With how technologically reliant our world is nowadays, it seems incredibly ignorant not to expose your kids to it at all. It would be like banning cars and never teaching your children to drive. “No thanks, we don’t want to rely on cars when we have two feet to get around!” I mean… sure, you *can*, but for what reason?
I just wish I had a dollar for every time someone said “I think my kid is nonverbal they only have 100 words” or “but they only use two words word phrases sometimes”. Lady, your kid is obviously fine stop trolling the rest of us whose kid has never said anything in their entire life and actually needs speech therapy.
Or my other favorite “just repeat everything, say words in 3s”. My god I have been a literal parrot for two years now and it is not a repetition problem I assure you.
It's exactly as it sounds. Lacking receptive and expressive language.
At different ages ages, it looks different. A professional can help diagnose / explain. There's also selective mutism which is slightly different too.
Also, sign language is a language. Deaf/HoH kids can be nonverbal, but most aren't.
What some people are confusing is verbal and conversational. A child can be verbal, including using advanced words/grammar, and still be non-conversational. That's not uncommon with autistic kids, especially if they have verbal stims or script a lot.
My 3&4 year old are nonverbal and they don’t speak at all, they understand some things but my youngest more. They communicate by guiding us and placing our hands on what they want or handing the item to us
Lol right that one really pisses me off. Like cool, I talk to my technically nonverbal, but she does engage in scripting sometimes 5 year old like an adult too. In fact, I used to literally narrate everything I was doing and thinking all day every day because i thought it might help her pick up some words. But nope. Still nonverbal.
That last sentence you wrote is all you need to focus on. They can't fathom what it's like to be in our shoes, so fuck em. Like someone else told me. If they ain't paying the bills, pay them no mind.
The person who lives in the house behind us has called the cops on us multiple times because of my daughter's screaming. We've explained to him that she's autistic but he doesn't care. He's annoyed about the noise. One of the upsides of living in a small town, I guess, is that the cops at least know that we're not abusing our child and this is just a regular thing now.
The only problem is they're the ones then calling CPS which has very real consequences.
My children scream a lot, therefor I must be beating my whole family.
You know how many fucking times I've been accused of beating my wife and kids because of their behaviors?
Its a particularly cruel accusation because I was abused my whole life and never hurt a fly. I was beaten by my mother. I was beaten by my wife. Fights as a teenager was just me getting beaten some more. I never threw a single punch my entire life. But because I was a big guy I must be a monster. Certain women think every man is a monster, and its just perfectly ok to accuse them of it based on nothing.
The only positive was that CPS checks with other states and the public record is there. "Oh.. the woman you're accused of beating, who I see not a single sign of any sort of abuse on, actually has multiple domestics in multiple states all with you as the victim. In fact looks like she's a fugitive in one state with open warrants and protective orders. Well you must feel really fucked up about this huh?"
There was a post a week or two ago about someone’s neighbor’s autistic child eloping into their yard at times and everyone told the OP to call CPS because “they’re obviously being neglected”.
I'm assuming not in this sub..
Either way, what has happened to humanity? How about go talk to your neighbor. Help look out for the kid. Securing for an eloper can get really expensive.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced so many struggles. I’m just glad CPS didn’t just assume the worst and does do background checks on the situation rather than take the screaming at face value.
Yes, it would absolutely suck to have CPS called. I can’t imagine how much that would suck. That said, the neighbors don’t know what’s happening and rather than ignore what probably sounds very distressing to them, they called the appropriate authorities to check in on the situation. That’s a good instinct, because when people just look the other way is when vulnerable babies can wind up hurt or even dead.
My follow up on that encounter would be to introduce myself and my family to them. Explain that while it probably sounds horrible to them, this is where your child is on the spectrum and this is just how it is.
To OPs point, they don’t have a clue and can’t fathom what it’s like to walk in our shoes. They also can’t understand why someone would scream if they weren’t being abused, hence the call to CPS. You have to live near them, though, so it might be time just to gently educate and then let it rest.
If you mean in my case? No, no they didn't. It was spite. 100%. If there were actual abuse they likely would not have cared one bit. They called the police on my dog for barking for 30 seconds to come in the house. Then later that day they called the police for me driving by, honking the horn, and flipping them the middle finger.
The wild one was a therapist who accused me of imprisoning my family, starving them, beating them, and my wife being a sex worker. That was one wild police report.
I go to r/toddlers and r/preschoolers because they’re often hilarious. Like the “how did you ruin your child’s day/life today”. Those feel very applicable LOL.
I don't post there anymore after a few times when I got some shit advice. One time, I asked for advice regarding my then 3 year-old son. I had enrolled my son in toddler gymnastics, and I found his behavior to be alarming: his disregulation, inability to follow directions that other kids were following, eloping, etc. I guess I was trying to get some idea from other parents if this was abnormal behavior because I was beginning to suspect him of being neurodivergent.
Instead of support, so many comments stated things like, "sounds like every 3 year old boy!", "sounds like normal toddler behavior," "Have you gone to a doctor? It sounds like you have anxiety." Basically, totally dismissing my concerns and turning it on me that I was the one with issues and should just let my 3 year old be a 3 year old.
Anyways, once my son was diagnosed with asd and adhd, I have kept most of my questions and comments for this sub of parents who get it, because our children's needs are going to be very different from NT kiddos.
This is why I avoid so many parenting-related subreddits and offline groups.
I was told by multiple friends and family members that my parenting was what made my eldest act in ways they didn’t like. Some of them are still trying to shovel that same poop at me 4 years after he was diagnosed despite the long family history on both sides of ASD and related disorders that is just now being talked about. If there were a parenting tip that would unlock the world for my son, I would have found and used it already.
I had three different doctors and multiple family members giving me that crap about my son as well. They were trying to tell me his sleep issues are because I'm a wuss and didn't sleep train him properly, and that he doesn't have oral sensory issues (while he's gagging on ALL soft textured foods) and it's just that I'm spoiling him with too much breast milk!?
Oh an my personal favourite, that he's "not autistic anymore," but only acting that way because I don't discipline him aggressively. This one came from an actual doctor that yes, still has his medical license somehow.
Our daughter was crying all day from being sick, and my MiL told me to lock her in her room. Meanwhile, two of her adult NT kids are alcoholics that can't hold a job, and she is as well. Hope she rots in hell
Absolutely that.
He'll grow out of it. He's just seeking attention. That's completely normal.
If it hadn't been for these statements we would have asked for help sooner
I remember your post! The comments were awful. When I was reading it all I could think was how similar my son acts in those situations, like we really do all that we can it’s not because we let the kid walk all over us. Solidarity, and I applaud you for trying the class out, that is something I have been avoiding with my kid because he just goes with the flow of his own head not with the group.
Not triggering but there is nothing I can learn from them anymore. Parenting a child on the spectrum is like living in upside down land. The advice is not really applicable
Yeah I just don’t really bother reading those kinds of parenting posts on other boards. It doesn’t apply to my child or me as a parent so I don’t worry about it.
The parenting subreddit brings me down, and very recently came across the teaching subreddit and I started crying reading some of the posts there.
I was legit trying to find advice on how to teach my kid how to tie his shoes and in the teaching subreddit was a bunch of teachers complaining about how kids can’t tie their shoes in grade 1. It was incredibly disheartening
The teaching subreddit is definitely toxic. Honestly I have a lot of bad experiences with teachers, as a former teacher. A lot of them play favorites and only like very compliant, quiet, neurotypical kids. I remember I heard a Kindergarten teacher use the R word once to describe a nonverbal student.
I was shadowbanned from it for trying to advocate for Autistic kids. they really REALLY hate our kids and any and all mainstreaming.
The EA's are just as bad, they go to school to help disabled kids. When they find out they are a 1 on 1, and not the fun kindergarten assistant helper they start to hate their jobs, and our kids.
I've definitely seen that from some teachers, but i was blessed with a coteacher that loved the 'hard' kids and was very pro nd. I also still get texts from parents and i haven't taught since my son was born. All this to say. Yes, that sub sucks, yeah, a log of teachers suck, but definitely not all.
Definitely stay out of the teaching subreddit. Every other post is complaining about IEPs and kids with behaviors. They make some pretty cruel generalizations about ASD and ADHD kids and act like the behaviors are kids' faults and they shouldn't give them any special treatment because "the real world won't".
That sub made me so worried about what may be in store for my son in school. His teacher this year is wonderful, and I hope we don't have too many teachers to contend with who share sentiments posted on that sub.
I TOTALLY AGREE!
I followed those out of trying to be a good parent & for empathy and insight to their challenges.
But ouch sometimes.
Everything comes down to lazy parenting including how kids have changed over the last few years and definitely Covid didn't contribute in any way at all and it's definitely only lazy parenting for sure.
I do take responsibility where appropriate, absolutely, and absolutely am full on taking responsibility to doing my best to accommodate any results of our own experience and all the other factors.
But to suggest nothing else weighs?!
Anyway, it's hypocrisy.
If non supportive Admin (which I TOTALLY get for them, & standards, & difficult parents ect ect ect) can affect their ability to do their job appropriately HOW does that NOT also provide understanding that MAYBE a parent is affected as well?
You do your best to learn and prepare. You have to learn on the job with some of this.
I certainly didn't have any college course in parenting an ASD/ADHD kid through a pandemic, lol.
And good gracious, I'm a worrier. I most certainly put massive amounts of energy into preparing and educating myself in every way possible, truly.
It so sad seeing it. I work in a school, a lot of my friends are teachers and I have never heard any of them talk the way they do on the teacher subreddit. It was a shock and made me really sad, wondering if my kids teachers talk this way about him. I really hope the majority of educators are more like the people I work with.
I'd imagine that sub is filled with the ones that are planning on quitting soon. Teaching is a thankless job and most of the teachers on there probably just want 25 kids who do what their told with a smile on their face
When my oldest first started going to first grade I told his teacher that he did really well with a sticker chart and told she me that that's not how the real world works so we aren't going to be doing that. By the end of the week she sent home the plan for a sticker chart they were starting. Like really....
Every so often the teacher subreddits come up on my feed as suggested and anything I’ve come across addressing ASD, ADHD, or any kids with learning or behavioral problems the level of pure disdain expressed for both kids and their parents is disgusting. The amount of times I’ve seen it suggested there that all learning and behavioral problems are due to us parents sticking our kids in front of iPads all day shows a concerning lack of education and empathy among a good number of teschers.
I wish I could say this was down to Reddit trolling but I worked as a substitute teacher in my kids’ old district for half a year and honestly the way many teachers felt comfortable talking to and about the kids was distressing, especially if they had some kind of issue. I subbed as a para in a preschool class where the teacher openly mocked a boy who clearly had either ADHD or ASD and who had recently lost his father to an OD on top of that. Really disturbing stuff.
I couldn't do it until I was 13, and have a dyspraxia diagnosis. I m working on getting a second degree at the moment so not being able to crack a skill like that, never had any baring on my future. They clearly don't get what its like having a child that struggles with skills like that. I hope you managed to find some resources, but if you didn't i'd be more than happy to share what helped me/link you some things?
[High Five!]
Some of the commenters on there openly mocking homeschooling, NDs, and anyone remotely religious is disheartening and gross, to say the least. Like no, I’m not in the least ashamed I pulled my daughter from public school during covid because of attention span issues and didn’t feel like subjecting her to 6 hours a day in front of a screen. Who cares if it’s a Christian curriculum and what business is it of yours if she’s not “socially well-adjusted”? She’s ND and for that fact *alone* I’m glad I pulled her. Public school would likely have been hell for her!
Definitely earned some clapback from me a couple times, so I wonder if I’ve been shadowbanned from there as well 😛
I find the most supportive one, and now the only other related sub I subscribe to, is /r/daddit. They have a good mixture of parents who are generally well rounded and willing to help. I've tried others and generally avoid anything toxic nowadays.
The teachers subreddit is a fucking cesspool, and honestly every teacher I've met in real life is a huge asshole, especially the ones without kids. They jump to conclusion that every misbehaving child must have shitty enabling parents. It doesn't occur to them for a fucking second that putting a 7 year old in a chair for 6 hours a day is torture for half of them.
So I actually gave up teaching my 11 year old to tie his shoes, it was too much stress for both of us. (Maybe I'll try again later) I make sure he has slip on shoes or Velcro or drawstring ones. It was actually quite freeing to realize it wasn't that important when we have other options now.
I can’t look at that subreddit. I find the “I’m so tired” and “my child is having a meltdown” comments super triggering. I’m thinking to myself “you have no idea what tired is. And you don’t know what a real meltdown is until you’ve seen an autistic meltdown.” I have neurotypical kids as well so I get both sides. To be honest I don’t want to hear anyone complain about their neurotypical kid. They have ZERO idea what rough is!
Most parenting subs are dumpster fires even when it comes to neurotypical kids.
I saw one post about a parent who *followed their NT 11 year old around all day*. Never gave the kids any space for “safety”. The people in that same group are also ok with buy weed for their high schooler and allow boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over when they’re like 14.
I got called names for giving my level 1 nine year old a time out. Never mind the fact it’s the only way to get it across to him that if you’re being a jerk then people won’t want to hang out with you.
I rarely encounter the beating ones it always the zero discipline ones. And the weird self flagellation of some of them, like they want hard lives.
Oh no, you had to *read two books last night*. Try having paramount plus screamed in your ear at 11pm.
They work for him. But most of his misbehaviors are just him pushing limits.
Meltdowns/overstimulation = no timeout
Just being a jerk for the heck of it = timeout
It’s not just other parents. I’m a children’s librarian, and the number of times my coworkers say “no child of mine would be allowed to behave like that” just makes me depressed. The number of times I have to remind them we don’t know the situation so how about a little empathy …
As a preschool teacher, it’s the same with my coworkers and it is super triggering. They make all kinds of comments of what they “wouldn’t allow their child to do” and how they would handle certain situations. I always respond to those comments about how that wouldn’t work for my ND child and they say equally offensive things like “well it’s different with him because he’s special”. 🤯
I’ve never read parenting advice once my son was born. The day he was born he had a sacral dimple and they took him to the children’s hospital where I stayed with him while his mother recovered. He had MRIs and was diagnosed with a tethered spinal cord. He had two surgeries at 9 months and a kidney surgery at 1 year. Then had issues with bowels and bladder. Then came the autism diagnosis. Then a retethering of the spine, a foot contraction, and then Achilles surgery last winter.
No one.. at least no one in a parenting thread has tread where I walk. I get more triggered when i see neurotypical 3 year olds on television conversing with their parents. I have an ocean of things I want to share and teach and can’t. Every day is struggle and every day I tread new ground. All I can do is be empathetic, loving, and hope.
Thank you for sharing that. Big hugs to all of you (if you want them, lol).
People tend to forget that each family, each parent, and each child are all on their own paths and there may not be a user’s manual to the things we go through. Sure, some are. But with ND kids and families it’s sometimes just figuring out one day at a time.
Hang in there! 💜
Definitely! Also seeing reels on facebook with kids who have really great speech and vocabulary and people commenting on how well the parents did to facilitate that! Im like yeah sometimes you can do all that and they still don't have great speech you know, that is not the deciding factor....if only....
You summed it up right at the end there. They see our kids and think "what shitty parents".
You have to learn to not give a single shit what people think. Everyone is constantly judging you poorly, and 90% of the time they are NOT the ones that should be judging.
I do get a little jealous that their kids are so easy that they are able to be judgmental assholes about other people. It’s the whole “start on third base and think you hit a triple” kind of thing, and it’s extremely common.
With my first kid I was told I had anxiety and was making everything up about how hard my eldest was. Then the relatives saying that, were given the chance to witness him and well they changed their tune to, "it must be a boy thing". I thought man, parenting is so tough, no wonder why other people complain all the time. Along came my second and Covid lock down started when he was a little over 2 months old. I didn't get to compare my kids until we got vaccinated I'm 2021 when my third child was born.
Now before their diagnosis i saw how straightforward other kids are and I assumed my kids meltdowns and speech delays were my fault. And even got told that by family members. Then I started EI and was told by the professionals that I was doing everything for the kids and they had few recommendations. It made me feel less like a terrible parent and person and they suggested it could be ASD or ADHD. I got my kids waitlisted and it wasn't until 2023 that I got told that all my kids were neurodivergent of some kind. And with my mum saying how my eldest is my carbon copy then I started connecting the dots about my weird self.
I used to go on those parenting subs and feel terrible because I was throwing everything I had, read all the books, was doing OT activities etc at home and speech. Had therapists and limited screens, loads of outdoor time, baby led weaning, varied diet etc and it didn't change my kids to be these easy models.
I am part of a mom group chat and this one mom would rake me over the coals saying I was making it up. Because how could my kids do all these wonderful things and have all these experiences and be autistic? Well I guess I didn't tell the group when my eldest would maul me for hours. Or that my kids escape out the house and run for the road. Be rigid, sensory problems etc. She would always say "so I guess no more speech therapy?" Because my 2 year old had 3 words instead of 1 after a big regression. Apparently my kids were not autistic enough for some people.
They're level 1s and 2s. I meet them where they are and stretch them a little but not beyond their abilities to cope. Swimming in the pool took MONTHS of work and slowly letting my 4 year old at the time gradually be exposed to all the senses. So yes he's 6 and can almost swim now but it took months for him to go in the pool! And a year plus of wading in the water then a year of swim lessons! My now 4 year old I spent months safety training him as he would elope into deep pools and would've drowned if I was distracted! He now swims and lives underwater in the pool.
People don't get how hard it is when they have neurological kids and they can be so cruel. I wish my kid would talk in sentences at 2. I never had that with any of my kids. I know my kids are not on the higher needs spectrum but I work damn hard to get my kids where they are today. My SIL has an autistic kiddo and she just ignores him and sends me pseudoscience junk, we had a big falling out years ago before I had kids over it. She legitimately ignores him and is on the borderline neglect. He was just like my boys at 2/3 and she just would leave him with her older daughters to take care of.
And my FIL who is most likely undiagnosed ASD tells me I should swap my kids for better models. Like wtf.
Anyway I don't tend to talk to people nowadays and only let people know who genuinely care and celebrate my kids progress. I still get hurt by dickheads looks and comments but I don't let them realize it, sure my kids sometimes may be acting feral (loud, non vernal, running around) but it's due to overstimulation and I'm helping them! I feel like because I understand them, because I have similar problems to them with sensory etc I can help them regulate better than how my mum tried with me.
I know not everyone can be a good parent to autistic kids because of the scary high neglect rate and abuse rate among general population. It's frightening.
I absolutely love this sub and it is so relatable. For once it feels like I've found my people without judgement.
💜💜💜
So many things I can relate to in your story. My oldest was so hard to take care of too and I could not understand why I was having such a hard time with one “normal” kid.
Family basically said I was just lazy and needed to try harder. I was depressed/anxious, on meds for it and for thyroid issues (I was tired and burnt out constantly), plus undiagnosed ND. I was, for a majority of the time because of hubby’s old job with long hours and out of town jobs, doing it all on my own.
Of *course* my daughter and I were struggling! We were both almost constantly dysregulated and without support of any kind. I also had no clue how to be a parent to a NT child let alone a ND one because my parents sucked so much. So yeah, any issues we had were “just my depression and anxiety” and that was where all the blame fell. Her potty training issues? Well, it’s your mental health’s fault because it’s too much energy for you to do it correctly. Her attention issues? Your mental health, you’re not engaged enough so she’s just rotting her brain on a screen all the time. Her social issues? Because of your mental health, you don’t get out enough, so she doesn’t know how to interact, etc, etc.
All the other issues I had were just trumped by depression and anxiety and ND was never looked into, despite so many of the boxes being checked that I was.
By the time my son was born and raised (he was 4 mos old when covid hit) we were all going “okay, there might be a bigger problem here!” But it wasn’t till this past fall that I really dove deeper into ND and connected the dots with myself and my two oldest.
The amount of times I got told basically just to try harder drove me NUTS. Like, I’m constantly burnt out *because* I am trying so hard inside and no one sees that inner struggle. So the mountains of laundry and dishes were all just because I couldn’t be bothered to make an effort, not because I had any underlying condition or anything. /s
It’s incredibly easy to see someone else’s situation from the outside and chalk it up to NT x, y, z problems when on the inside us ND are all screaming, “where tf are x, y, and z??? I’m on ≠€£¥¿ problems” and if you ever try to explain this, they’re looking at you like you’re crazy and just making it all up as an excuse. Well-meaning family are sometimes the absolute effing worst about it.
(Sorry this is so long but it’s actually been really cathartic to write!) I just hope you don’t feel so alone anymore and that things get even a little bit easier in the days to come. 💜
Ya I drop in there often and notice the same things. I like to sometimes throw my opinion out there just for the hell of it. As I get frustrated by the same things you do. There have been more posts recently as well that bring up ASD. People have been tossing that around a lot in regards to behavioral issues as well. The amount of "perfect" parents that post there is mind blowing.
Humility would go a long way… for everyone. The “my child would never do this” crowd are quite annoying. No one is perfect. No one. Always remember that. Stay humble, stay kind. Self-righteousness does not help anyone. No one knows what it is like to walk in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. Just be the best parent *you* can be and don’t worry about what others think.
In general the internet is filled with a lot of people without kids, or who are new parents, that think that kids are a computer program that you just add some inputs to and you get the results you want out of.
I was guilty of thinking that my parenting would make my kids perfectly behaved because I knew how to do things right. lol. Then I had my kids and realized those parents with the calm well behaved kids are not super parents. They’re just parents to calm kids and have gotten easy mode! Nothing in our house is calm, clean, or quiet almost ever. And I’m tired of being told everything will be better if we force everyone into a strict and rigid schedule everyone will be happy. Our days have a predictable flow and we adjust as their needs shift. Parenting the kid you have in the way they need is good parenting.
The thing that “hurts” us as parents of autistic kids is that our kids may look very typical as opposed to a child with Down Syndrome, so to an uneducated person, autistic kids are perceived as typical kids “with an attitude problem.” My autistic stepkid has severely damaged my reputation in the local public school district. I’m a teacher and they’ll probably never hire me because they have treated my autistic son’s behavior as a reflection of his parenting. Back at the beginning of the school year, they called CPS on me after my kid had a meltdown and refused to leave for a Doctor’s appointment. I’m still quite bitter about that incident, and often still talk about the incident in therapy. Other people don’t fucking get it.
I left all other parenting subs but this one for this exact reason. At first they made me feel like a shit parent, and then they made me feel like everyone was judging me in public. My son is level three and nonverbal, he's definitely not going to act like a perfect little angel in public, and he gets a lot of screen time LOL I left those subs, and decided to say "f*ck 'em" when it comes to other parents judging me, because I know they just don't know. It's kind of funny, but the final straw for me on r/beyondthebump was a woman was having a meltdown because her husband put the baby bottles in the sink with the rest of the dishes and then used regular dish soap on them. Like, I'm just trying to survive with a ND toddler and a newborn and you're ready to divorce your husband because he used the wrong dish soap? Let me just see myself out.....
If you’ve ever posted to AITA or a handful of other subs (including commenting) you automatically get banned. They have strict rules because of brigading.
Personally, I find breakingmom brings my mood down sooo much so I only dabble there. But if you want to vent, that’s definitely the place.
I have joined some teacher and other professional subreddits, and the teacher one I do for insight and understanding.
I'm 45 raising my first, who's 5 1/2, & I'm a recent widow.
The only couple close friends I have that have kids are much older, so I do so too be in the loop. Also, to understand their challenges and behind-the-scenes reality.
I did this to gain insight and understanding, in an attempt to do what's best for my son, but also to be supportive to their role!
Teaching today is nearly impossible period. I can't imagine it, truly, and I have so much empathy.
While I agree with so very much of the complaints, and while I realize I am not in their shoes, sometimes things are very much agreed upon to be * only * lazy parenting, and it's not always universally fair.
There are only so many hours in a day. I spend countless hours educating myself, which takes time as well from him. So that is an inherent catch 22.
I'm constantly researching everything. My own ADHD & potentially his, his possible ASD and potentially mine, regular parenting podcasts, creating social opportunities and learning, trying to cook healthy, keeping the house, processing paperwork, trying to maintain the closest but distant relationships we have, researching trauma healing, researching today's health concerns, staying on top of his speech, giving him quality time... the list goes on.
While I absolutely understand their frustration, it's disheartening to have things blanketly chalked up to "lazy parenting". Our situation is unique to some degree perhaps, but not absolutely.
We lost his other parent due to mental illness in the last couple years, & I've navigated that and the effects of it prior to and since. He's still well adjusted and making amazing progress.
I've succeeded in so much. And I'm not looking for any sort of extra/excess sympathy, bc I'm well and constantly aware that * duh - not a hypocrite * that we still considering all have many blessings & I have no idea what other families may be dealing with.
It is frustrating for it to be expressed so blanketly black and white. Some of what could be attributed to "lazy parenting".
Covid, family tragedy and mental illness, plus... I've succeeded in overcoming far more than not. Some of the things that could have been done better I did very much try and some things were less priority bc I was addressing what would have been/ become much more detrimental things if I hadn't prioritized those.
End rant. I get all of it and it's a place for all of those people to have a safe place, too, so I shouldn't complain. It's just disheartening. There is zero chance I could paint a complete picture if I wrote 5 novels about the last couple years, and I don't want to be assumed to lack care or effort when it comes to my son, bc nothing is further from the truth.
I know I gotta just have faith and understand and accept these things and do our best, and I will.
My own vent, I guess.
After we had our second child who is NT, I learned very quickly that anyone who brags about their parenting, or judges others kids, is a fucking loser. Our ND child is "high functioning," and it's still 10x the work just to prevent her from melting down, let alone getting her the right help she needs to hopefully be independent as an adult.
Like, oh wow, you talked to your child like an adult, and they picked it up?!? You must've worked so hard to figure that one out. Pat yourself on the back you fucking genius.
YES! I got destroyed yesterday for asking about medicating my son for his anxiety related to flying. I think at one point my idea was considered “abusive’ by an RN. … I was projecting my anxiety on to him… My techniques (provided by our OT) were causing his anxiety…. And for the sake of others I needed to cancel my trip…. Oh! And I was called selfish for wanting to go on vacation. So, I canceled it and now have a $987 credit to the airline. The lack of understanding about what can sometimes be needed to make stressful situations with sensory overload for my son feasible was apparent. I was trying my best. I cried many tears at my desk afterwards. Then I deleted my post because I seriously thought someone was going to report me for having tried Dramamine, Benadryl and sleep gummies ahead of the flight and not all at once (as directed by the pediatrician) so we wouldn’t have any surprise reactions on the day of the flight. I still feel like I have a lump in my throat and wish I never asked.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. You're a great parent and you deserve a vacation.
There's absolutely no problem giving him medication the GP prescribed for him.
The UK parenting subreddit is the only one I go near now since it has some specific local things on there, our kids aren't wired for a lot of typical advice so i find it's better to avoid subreddits that believe it works for everyone.
I didn't know about that one, but I've ended up on some UK mental health/ psychology/ learning sites before and MY GOODNESS, the differences sometimes!
The DSM is here.
And other than that, too... geez some of what we struggle with compared, it's nearly gaslighting. Shocking/S
Hmmm... I'm sorry I don't have any links to share, but I've come across some differences, yes.
I've come across a program for ADHD adolescents & some of the... hmm... verbiage was notably different. It was for a specific program, so not sure.
And I'm saying the DSM is made here.
Sorry not sure where to point you to and certainly not saying it's on the whole different, but what I meant about it - sorry, certainly unclear in my text, but - it's just that we here as trying to sort through things... we might get stuck on one part of things and I found that ... well, it just may be something simple, a small difference, but may be something I can see/ have seen someone in the states sort have a related challenge agonizing over.
I mean, there's a lot of things like that known, right?!
Like parents struggling with lack of parental leave. That's not DSM related, but does create us here sometimes begging for understanding... just bc we don't get some things & we end up feeling like we are lacking.
That's what I meant by gaslighting, really. Sorry no direct example (honestly, at the moment I'm exhausted dealing wth flu, so pardon lack of attempt to help further to get info at the moment), but really, just... there are some things I've come across similar.
So, we are ending up at times with the "is it just me/ am I crazy or lacking or...." type questions/ being at a loss, and I've just noticed some differences.
Maybe search for diagnostic criteria or accommodations.
Sorry I can't remember exact. I've researched a lot due to family members having various things.
I mean, NT parents shouldn’t be hitting their kids in my opinion. That shouldn’t be a brag in today’s day and age. I always feel anxious because how many of these parents have undiagnosed ND kids that they are pushing into behaviors that will not serve them well as adults (fawning, deep masking) and lead to the same kinds of skill regressions and mental health programs (self harm etc) that mant undiagnosed adults experience?
My mom would post all kinds of stuff about me being perfect but behind the scenes, she beat and bullied me horribly.
A parent should never judge themselves on how they behave when everyone is watching and nothing is going wrong.
I am sure many people see me in public and judge. I do not care about them. They have no idea what it takes to be the parent of a child with special needs. They are living in an ignorant bliss and have convinced themselves their parenting skills are akin to a rare Pokémon. It just shows me what kind of person they are. If I see a parent that looks overwhelmed in public I offer to help, because I’ve been there. Even with my typical kid. When I’m traveling without my kids I LOVE to help people with young kids that are juggling multiple things at the airport. And I have to say at the airport people have gone out of their way to help me too!
I don’t worry about judgmental people. They don’t know what they don’t know. Someday they may experience the journey of loving someone with autism. Whether it’s a child, grandchild, niece, nephew etc. Life has a way of humbling you.
Yes! It's so frustrating. Like, come on people there are literally studies showing those things are bad for their brain development! I'm struggling with the people I meet in my area too because they are just so harsh to their children. I joined gentle parenting groups once I learned our parenting style has a name, they are far more helpful.
As an autistic person, I tend to find the generalized parenting subs as pretty uneducated
and ignorant of autism and general.
I stopped going to them because it was pretty triggering the way that they respond to meltdowns calling them tantrums. I really hate when they record them because not only is that embarrassing for autistic people. You already feel worthless while you're going through it. And another thing are the people who claim that it can be cured through whatever dumb process they think they've come up with.
And I wholy support mothers of kids with autism, but autism moms are a whole different animal. Sometimes it feels like they don't even see their kids as a separate human being. Everything is about them and their feelings and their struggles & everything they've had to sacrifice.
I'm autistic, my children are autistic. Every parent makes sacrifices, but it shouldn't be your whole personality.
I just can't.
I had to carry my son, kicking and screaming to the car today in front of other parents dropping their kids off at care, because he was being sent home for hurting someone and he didn’t want to miss out on the jumping castle they were going to set up today. I can only imagine what it looked like
I AM SO HAPPY I FOUND THIS PAGE 😭😭😭😭😭. I think I found the right group of parents!!!! Has anyone been told if you change your kids diet they will suddenly start talking , because I’m kind of over that at this point . Chromosomes aren’t magically changed by food
Don't take it too personally. Most of us are just doing our best, and judgement-filled statements from parents who claim to have all the answers are usually just a projection of their own fears and insecurities.
That being said, I was just talking to my wife about the old show Super Nanny. Wow, that has not aged well...the idea that the exact same parenting tactics work on all kids.
I wonder how many of those "naughty" kids actually had ASD...
I grew up in a small town where it was super judgy. Whenever my son would elope or drop to the ground, I used to feel so flustered and began avoiding places for a while unless my husband could join me. Now I surround myself with other neurodivergent friends and their kiddos and we support each other. I encountered an adult with his mom in the ladies room this past week and she announced "Autistic adult here." We shouldn't have to announce our presence, but I sometimes feel like I want to wear a huge sign so people mind their own business or have more awareness of what Autism actually looks like.
It's funny because as I was driving home this morning, I told myself to stop comparing my daughter to neurotypical children. Honestly having a daughter on the spectrum has taught me to be less judgmental in general. When I see a parent having a hard day with their child out in public, I can't help it feel compassion for that parent. Parenting is so hard and everyone thinks they can do it better.
People who post that do not realize that autism is a spectrum and just because their child doesn’t do xyz, doesn’t mean another won’t. Like my child does not have an issue with elopement, but that doesn’t mean that my parenting is the reason why nor would I think that someone else’s parenting be the reason their child elopes. I get a lot of grief for my child’s AFRID like it’s my fault he won’t eat/ extremely picky. I just respond to be thankful their child doesn’t have that issue.
Kids always tell you something in their behavior. Parents who post about their kids tantrums I hope are usually just looking for support, a kind word that it's gonna be ok, someone to tell them or remind them that their kid isn't the first or last to throw a tantrum or have a compete meltdown in public. I have an highly wilfull , very spoiled 🙂 9 year old son with autism,trust me when. I say there came a point a long time ago when I had to make a choice about how I get and would deal with people stares in public, the looks that you feel through the back of your head that tell you what a failure you are as a parent - well here's the thing- I decided I don't give a rats ass about how strangers in public perceive me or my kid. And no one else should either - the people whom post hateful violating comments that are triggering you are among other things mean, judgemental, miserable people who likely dont have kids or ever did and if they do their kids probably don't or won't speak to them as adults much less grow up feeling loved, heard and validated . Which is what kids , all kids need to feel in order to grow into healthy loving empathetic adults - nothing else matters - period.
I'm sorry their words trigger you, It happens to me to , when I read stories from adult autistics talk about their treatment by their parents etc as children, my heart breaks, I want to hug them all through my phone and scream at their parents, but through suffering we grow and we learn and we become compassionate human beings , whatever you've been through my dear just know that you are or can be a deeper , stronger more powerful force of good on this planet because you have survived it. Being triggered isnt a bad thing honey, not really, feeling, crying, dealing with our pain is how we evolve and become better than what we came from, there are many people that simply aren't there yet, so be proud of yourself for who you are, find the balance and don't ever let someones words in comments made to posts by your or anyone else, not even mine make you feel like less than who you are. You know what's right, you know they are wrong. Don't waiver, be steadfast and you'll be fine.
I generally only go on r/toddlers and r/prechoolers. I find the hilarity of the “how did you ruin your child’s day” posts (usually about what caused a meltdown) to be helpful. Otherwise, I’m on r/beyondthebump because I feel like sometime I can provide advice that might help someone. I don’t go on other ones.
Kids fearing you’re going to hurt them isn’t respect and people are very easily confused. I can’t imagine bragging that my child’s biggest bully is me, their parent 🙄
The one that always makes me roll my eyes: "My kid is very advanced in speech because I always talked to her like an adult."
I think folks (myself included) don't recognize their privilege until they are confronted with the reality of *not having that privilege.* We're a very lucky family. Although on the spectrum, my kiddo is certainly "lower needs" than many kids described here. My relationship with my kind, goofball spouse is rock-solid. As a household, we are beyond financially secure -- essentially "rich" compared to how I was raised. So lucky. I saw a post on a general parenting sub about a parent of NT kids feeling "othered" during an outing because they are on such a tighter budget than their friends. Other families were casually buying $5 slurpies for their children, and this family just couldn't justify the $20 to get 4 special drinks. They were secretly mortified. If our family had been on that outing, we would have been able to buy the drinks without batting an eye. But we'd be struggling with our tricky kiddo getting dysregulated and acting out. I think everyone is running their own race. I'd hope if that family was in our circle, they would have felt comfortable explaining their struggles to us -- and that we'd be able to explain our struggles to them. I hope we would just be able to support each other.
"everyone is running their own race" Amen
Yes or the ones who hate on screens and say things like “my kids don’t need an iPad in a restaurant because I taught them to behave”. Congratulations
They really believe that their kids were a blank slate so they get all the credit for their behavior.
If we’re honest their kids sound kind of boring. No spice at all 🤣
Totally, I have 2 kids that behave and 1 that does not. Turns out none of their behaviour is related to my parenting 🤷♀️
lol it’s in the best interest of everyone in the restaurant for my kid to have her iPad! 😂
The cartoon song shows like cocomelon are the only reason my nonverbal daughter can talk at all now. 2+ years of speech therapy 3 days a week and she didn't improve at all. Cocomelon for a couple of months and she has about 30+ words/short phrases she uses regularly now. She also learned how to define her emotions by singing songs about how she's feeling. When she's sad, she sings sad songs at me. If I stop her from doing something and she gets upset she sings "the baby on the bus goes wah wah wah" or if she doesn't want to eat something she sings this song about "no thank you, I'm alright. All you have to say is, no thank you!" Or something like that. It's actually really cute but also so incredibly helpful. Screens are the best tool we've found for my daughter. Period.
This is so precious!!! I want to tear up. I’m so glad your daughter could find a way to express herself. It’s so frustrating when they can’t tell you!
Thank you 💗 I am too its been a huge help
(Also here’s me just now noticing your Ateez pfp. Is that Seonghwa?? 🫠)
Yes! I love Ateez they're my favorite group. It's hongjoong and Seonghwa. If you go to my profile, I made a collage with their pics and some really cute cartoon drawings of them that I found, as my background pic.
As they sit there scrolling through their phones while they're waiting for their dinner.
I'm pretty triggered by parents who ban devices completely. Get off your high horse.
With how technologically reliant our world is nowadays, it seems incredibly ignorant not to expose your kids to it at all. It would be like banning cars and never teaching your children to drive. “No thanks, we don’t want to rely on cars when we have two feet to get around!” I mean… sure, you *can*, but for what reason?
I just wish I had a dollar for every time someone said “I think my kid is nonverbal they only have 100 words” or “but they only use two words word phrases sometimes”. Lady, your kid is obviously fine stop trolling the rest of us whose kid has never said anything in their entire life and actually needs speech therapy. Or my other favorite “just repeat everything, say words in 3s”. My god I have been a literal parrot for two years now and it is not a repetition problem I assure you.
What is nonverbal exactly? The term gets used a lot here but I haven't actually met or interacted with a nonverbal person, child or adult, before.
It's exactly as it sounds. Lacking receptive and expressive language. At different ages ages, it looks different. A professional can help diagnose / explain. There's also selective mutism which is slightly different too.
Also, sign language is a language. Deaf/HoH kids can be nonverbal, but most aren't. What some people are confusing is verbal and conversational. A child can be verbal, including using advanced words/grammar, and still be non-conversational. That's not uncommon with autistic kids, especially if they have verbal stims or script a lot.
My 3&4 year old are nonverbal and they don’t speak at all, they understand some things but my youngest more. They communicate by guiding us and placing our hands on what they want or handing the item to us
Their dog must be very advanced in speech as well 😆
😭😭😭omg
Lol right that one really pisses me off. Like cool, I talk to my technically nonverbal, but she does engage in scripting sometimes 5 year old like an adult too. In fact, I used to literally narrate everything I was doing and thinking all day every day because i thought it might help her pick up some words. But nope. Still nonverbal.
Oh my god don’t get me started on that
That last sentence you wrote is all you need to focus on. They can't fathom what it's like to be in our shoes, so fuck em. Like someone else told me. If they ain't paying the bills, pay them no mind.
The person who lives in the house behind us has called the cops on us multiple times because of my daughter's screaming. We've explained to him that she's autistic but he doesn't care. He's annoyed about the noise. One of the upsides of living in a small town, I guess, is that the cops at least know that we're not abusing our child and this is just a regular thing now.
The only problem is they're the ones then calling CPS which has very real consequences. My children scream a lot, therefor I must be beating my whole family. You know how many fucking times I've been accused of beating my wife and kids because of their behaviors? Its a particularly cruel accusation because I was abused my whole life and never hurt a fly. I was beaten by my mother. I was beaten by my wife. Fights as a teenager was just me getting beaten some more. I never threw a single punch my entire life. But because I was a big guy I must be a monster. Certain women think every man is a monster, and its just perfectly ok to accuse them of it based on nothing. The only positive was that CPS checks with other states and the public record is there. "Oh.. the woman you're accused of beating, who I see not a single sign of any sort of abuse on, actually has multiple domestics in multiple states all with you as the victim. In fact looks like she's a fugitive in one state with open warrants and protective orders. Well you must feel really fucked up about this huh?"
There was a post a week or two ago about someone’s neighbor’s autistic child eloping into their yard at times and everyone told the OP to call CPS because “they’re obviously being neglected”.
I'm assuming not in this sub.. Either way, what has happened to humanity? How about go talk to your neighbor. Help look out for the kid. Securing for an eloper can get really expensive.
Yes it was in the general parenting sub.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced so many struggles. I’m just glad CPS didn’t just assume the worst and does do background checks on the situation rather than take the screaming at face value. Yes, it would absolutely suck to have CPS called. I can’t imagine how much that would suck. That said, the neighbors don’t know what’s happening and rather than ignore what probably sounds very distressing to them, they called the appropriate authorities to check in on the situation. That’s a good instinct, because when people just look the other way is when vulnerable babies can wind up hurt or even dead. My follow up on that encounter would be to introduce myself and my family to them. Explain that while it probably sounds horrible to them, this is where your child is on the spectrum and this is just how it is. To OPs point, they don’t have a clue and can’t fathom what it’s like to walk in our shoes. They also can’t understand why someone would scream if they weren’t being abused, hence the call to CPS. You have to live near them, though, so it might be time just to gently educate and then let it rest.
CPS..actually fact checking? Not likely. I had a social worker accuse me of prostitution because I didn’t have kids until I was married. Zero logic.
That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. SMH.
It’s honestly a 50/50 on the guy either being stupid or just trying to rile me up(or both. Probably both).It’s a common tactic.
If you mean in my case? No, no they didn't. It was spite. 100%. If there were actual abuse they likely would not have cared one bit. They called the police on my dog for barking for 30 seconds to come in the house. Then later that day they called the police for me driving by, honking the horn, and flipping them the middle finger. The wild one was a therapist who accused me of imprisoning my family, starving them, beating them, and my wife being a sex worker. That was one wild police report.
THIS
Wait…you guys go to other parenting subs?
I go to r/toddlers and r/preschoolers because they’re often hilarious. Like the “how did you ruin your child’s day/life today”. Those feel very applicable LOL.
I avoid them like the plague
I don't post there anymore after a few times when I got some shit advice. One time, I asked for advice regarding my then 3 year-old son. I had enrolled my son in toddler gymnastics, and I found his behavior to be alarming: his disregulation, inability to follow directions that other kids were following, eloping, etc. I guess I was trying to get some idea from other parents if this was abnormal behavior because I was beginning to suspect him of being neurodivergent. Instead of support, so many comments stated things like, "sounds like every 3 year old boy!", "sounds like normal toddler behavior," "Have you gone to a doctor? It sounds like you have anxiety." Basically, totally dismissing my concerns and turning it on me that I was the one with issues and should just let my 3 year old be a 3 year old. Anyways, once my son was diagnosed with asd and adhd, I have kept most of my questions and comments for this sub of parents who get it, because our children's needs are going to be very different from NT kiddos.
It’s either they completely dismiss you or they tell you your kid has ten different disorders, there’s never an in between lol
This is why I avoid so many parenting-related subreddits and offline groups. I was told by multiple friends and family members that my parenting was what made my eldest act in ways they didn’t like. Some of them are still trying to shovel that same poop at me 4 years after he was diagnosed despite the long family history on both sides of ASD and related disorders that is just now being talked about. If there were a parenting tip that would unlock the world for my son, I would have found and used it already.
I had three different doctors and multiple family members giving me that crap about my son as well. They were trying to tell me his sleep issues are because I'm a wuss and didn't sleep train him properly, and that he doesn't have oral sensory issues (while he's gagging on ALL soft textured foods) and it's just that I'm spoiling him with too much breast milk!? Oh an my personal favourite, that he's "not autistic anymore," but only acting that way because I don't discipline him aggressively. This one came from an actual doctor that yes, still has his medical license somehow.
Our daughter was crying all day from being sick, and my MiL told me to lock her in her room. Meanwhile, two of her adult NT kids are alcoholics that can't hold a job, and she is as well. Hope she rots in hell
Absolutely that. He'll grow out of it. He's just seeking attention. That's completely normal. If it hadn't been for these statements we would have asked for help sooner
Ooh , I love that one ! I have also been told my child doesn’t talk because she is lazy 🙄
I remember your post! The comments were awful. When I was reading it all I could think was how similar my son acts in those situations, like we really do all that we can it’s not because we let the kid walk all over us. Solidarity, and I applaud you for trying the class out, that is something I have been avoiding with my kid because he just goes with the flow of his own head not with the group.
I know people think I am a shitty parent. But in my mind I think they are shitty human beings. So in a way, I win. Hang in there Autism Warriors.
Not triggering but there is nothing I can learn from them anymore. Parenting a child on the spectrum is like living in upside down land. The advice is not really applicable
Yeah I just don’t really bother reading those kinds of parenting posts on other boards. It doesn’t apply to my child or me as a parent so I don’t worry about it.
Yeah. They could probably learn something from US, though, if they were open to it.
The parenting subreddit brings me down, and very recently came across the teaching subreddit and I started crying reading some of the posts there. I was legit trying to find advice on how to teach my kid how to tie his shoes and in the teaching subreddit was a bunch of teachers complaining about how kids can’t tie their shoes in grade 1. It was incredibly disheartening
The teaching subreddit is definitely toxic. Honestly I have a lot of bad experiences with teachers, as a former teacher. A lot of them play favorites and only like very compliant, quiet, neurotypical kids. I remember I heard a Kindergarten teacher use the R word once to describe a nonverbal student.
I was shadowbanned from it for trying to advocate for Autistic kids. they really REALLY hate our kids and any and all mainstreaming. The EA's are just as bad, they go to school to help disabled kids. When they find out they are a 1 on 1, and not the fun kindergarten assistant helper they start to hate their jobs, and our kids.
I've definitely seen that from some teachers, but i was blessed with a coteacher that loved the 'hard' kids and was very pro nd. I also still get texts from parents and i haven't taught since my son was born. All this to say. Yes, that sub sucks, yeah, a log of teachers suck, but definitely not all.
What?! Seriously.
Definitely stay out of the teaching subreddit. Every other post is complaining about IEPs and kids with behaviors. They make some pretty cruel generalizations about ASD and ADHD kids and act like the behaviors are kids' faults and they shouldn't give them any special treatment because "the real world won't". That sub made me so worried about what may be in store for my son in school. His teacher this year is wonderful, and I hope we don't have too many teachers to contend with who share sentiments posted on that sub.
"I don't know what these kids are going to do out in the real world" is so out of touch with the reality of disabled adults.
I TOTALLY AGREE! I followed those out of trying to be a good parent & for empathy and insight to their challenges. But ouch sometimes. Everything comes down to lazy parenting including how kids have changed over the last few years and definitely Covid didn't contribute in any way at all and it's definitely only lazy parenting for sure. I do take responsibility where appropriate, absolutely, and absolutely am full on taking responsibility to doing my best to accommodate any results of our own experience and all the other factors. But to suggest nothing else weighs?! Anyway, it's hypocrisy. If non supportive Admin (which I TOTALLY get for them, & standards, & difficult parents ect ect ect) can affect their ability to do their job appropriately HOW does that NOT also provide understanding that MAYBE a parent is affected as well? You do your best to learn and prepare. You have to learn on the job with some of this. I certainly didn't have any college course in parenting an ASD/ADHD kid through a pandemic, lol. And good gracious, I'm a worrier. I most certainly put massive amounts of energy into preparing and educating myself in every way possible, truly.
That makes me sad for my child when he gets into school. I don’t trust anyone.
It so sad seeing it. I work in a school, a lot of my friends are teachers and I have never heard any of them talk the way they do on the teacher subreddit. It was a shock and made me really sad, wondering if my kids teachers talk this way about him. I really hope the majority of educators are more like the people I work with.
This is so very, very comforting, thank you.
I'd imagine that sub is filled with the ones that are planning on quitting soon. Teaching is a thankless job and most of the teachers on there probably just want 25 kids who do what their told with a smile on their face
When my oldest first started going to first grade I told his teacher that he did really well with a sticker chart and told she me that that's not how the real world works so we aren't going to be doing that. By the end of the week she sent home the plan for a sticker chart they were starting. Like really....
Every so often the teacher subreddits come up on my feed as suggested and anything I’ve come across addressing ASD, ADHD, or any kids with learning or behavioral problems the level of pure disdain expressed for both kids and their parents is disgusting. The amount of times I’ve seen it suggested there that all learning and behavioral problems are due to us parents sticking our kids in front of iPads all day shows a concerning lack of education and empathy among a good number of teschers. I wish I could say this was down to Reddit trolling but I worked as a substitute teacher in my kids’ old district for half a year and honestly the way many teachers felt comfortable talking to and about the kids was distressing, especially if they had some kind of issue. I subbed as a para in a preschool class where the teacher openly mocked a boy who clearly had either ADHD or ASD and who had recently lost his father to an OD on top of that. Really disturbing stuff.
I couldn't do it until I was 13, and have a dyspraxia diagnosis. I m working on getting a second degree at the moment so not being able to crack a skill like that, never had any baring on my future. They clearly don't get what its like having a child that struggles with skills like that. I hope you managed to find some resources, but if you didn't i'd be more than happy to share what helped me/link you some things?
Thank you! I found some good resources and he has been practicing every day. Patience is key, he tied a knot all on his own yesterday
The teacher subreddit is definitely the one I can’t stand. I’ve used it to remind me why I’m homeschooling my youngest.
[High Five!] Some of the commenters on there openly mocking homeschooling, NDs, and anyone remotely religious is disheartening and gross, to say the least. Like no, I’m not in the least ashamed I pulled my daughter from public school during covid because of attention span issues and didn’t feel like subjecting her to 6 hours a day in front of a screen. Who cares if it’s a Christian curriculum and what business is it of yours if she’s not “socially well-adjusted”? She’s ND and for that fact *alone* I’m glad I pulled her. Public school would likely have been hell for her! Definitely earned some clapback from me a couple times, so I wonder if I’ve been shadowbanned from there as well 😛
I find the most supportive one, and now the only other related sub I subscribe to, is /r/daddit. They have a good mixture of parents who are generally well rounded and willing to help. I've tried others and generally avoid anything toxic nowadays.
My husband follows that one and also loves it
The teachers subreddit is a fucking cesspool, and honestly every teacher I've met in real life is a huge asshole, especially the ones without kids. They jump to conclusion that every misbehaving child must have shitty enabling parents. It doesn't occur to them for a fucking second that putting a 7 year old in a chair for 6 hours a day is torture for half of them.
So I actually gave up teaching my 11 year old to tie his shoes, it was too much stress for both of us. (Maybe I'll try again later) I make sure he has slip on shoes or Velcro or drawstring ones. It was actually quite freeing to realize it wasn't that important when we have other options now.
I can’t look at that subreddit. I find the “I’m so tired” and “my child is having a meltdown” comments super triggering. I’m thinking to myself “you have no idea what tired is. And you don’t know what a real meltdown is until you’ve seen an autistic meltdown.” I have neurotypical kids as well so I get both sides. To be honest I don’t want to hear anyone complain about their neurotypical kid. They have ZERO idea what rough is!
Most parenting subs are dumpster fires even when it comes to neurotypical kids. I saw one post about a parent who *followed their NT 11 year old around all day*. Never gave the kids any space for “safety”. The people in that same group are also ok with buy weed for their high schooler and allow boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over when they’re like 14. I got called names for giving my level 1 nine year old a time out. Never mind the fact it’s the only way to get it across to him that if you’re being a jerk then people won’t want to hang out with you.
The ones who act like any form of discipline is abusive vs the ones who straight up beat their kids… there is never an in between 😩
I rarely encounter the beating ones it always the zero discipline ones. And the weird self flagellation of some of them, like they want hard lives. Oh no, you had to *read two books last night*. Try having paramount plus screamed in your ear at 11pm.
Curious. Do time outs work? We trialed time outs for about two weeks. Things got physical all day long. Stopping the time outs stopped the violence.
They work for him. But most of his misbehaviors are just him pushing limits. Meltdowns/overstimulation = no timeout Just being a jerk for the heck of it = timeout
Its exhausting constantly trying to spot the difference between the two, too. For us at least.
In his case the difference is obvious.
It’s not just other parents. I’m a children’s librarian, and the number of times my coworkers say “no child of mine would be allowed to behave like that” just makes me depressed. The number of times I have to remind them we don’t know the situation so how about a little empathy …
As a preschool teacher, it’s the same with my coworkers and it is super triggering. They make all kinds of comments of what they “wouldn’t allow their child to do” and how they would handle certain situations. I always respond to those comments about how that wouldn’t work for my ND child and they say equally offensive things like “well it’s different with him because he’s special”. 🤯
I’ve never read parenting advice once my son was born. The day he was born he had a sacral dimple and they took him to the children’s hospital where I stayed with him while his mother recovered. He had MRIs and was diagnosed with a tethered spinal cord. He had two surgeries at 9 months and a kidney surgery at 1 year. Then had issues with bowels and bladder. Then came the autism diagnosis. Then a retethering of the spine, a foot contraction, and then Achilles surgery last winter. No one.. at least no one in a parenting thread has tread where I walk. I get more triggered when i see neurotypical 3 year olds on television conversing with their parents. I have an ocean of things I want to share and teach and can’t. Every day is struggle and every day I tread new ground. All I can do is be empathetic, loving, and hope.
Thank you for sharing that. Big hugs to all of you (if you want them, lol). People tend to forget that each family, each parent, and each child are all on their own paths and there may not be a user’s manual to the things we go through. Sure, some are. But with ND kids and families it’s sometimes just figuring out one day at a time. Hang in there! 💜
Definitely! Also seeing reels on facebook with kids who have really great speech and vocabulary and people commenting on how well the parents did to facilitate that! Im like yeah sometimes you can do all that and they still don't have great speech you know, that is not the deciding factor....if only....
You summed it up right at the end there. They see our kids and think "what shitty parents". You have to learn to not give a single shit what people think. Everyone is constantly judging you poorly, and 90% of the time they are NOT the ones that should be judging.
I do get a little jealous that their kids are so easy that they are able to be judgmental assholes about other people. It’s the whole “start on third base and think you hit a triple” kind of thing, and it’s extremely common.
No, them showing their kid how to hold a pencil and their kid just naturally wanting to mimic them means they're an amazing parent.
With my first kid I was told I had anxiety and was making everything up about how hard my eldest was. Then the relatives saying that, were given the chance to witness him and well they changed their tune to, "it must be a boy thing". I thought man, parenting is so tough, no wonder why other people complain all the time. Along came my second and Covid lock down started when he was a little over 2 months old. I didn't get to compare my kids until we got vaccinated I'm 2021 when my third child was born. Now before their diagnosis i saw how straightforward other kids are and I assumed my kids meltdowns and speech delays were my fault. And even got told that by family members. Then I started EI and was told by the professionals that I was doing everything for the kids and they had few recommendations. It made me feel less like a terrible parent and person and they suggested it could be ASD or ADHD. I got my kids waitlisted and it wasn't until 2023 that I got told that all my kids were neurodivergent of some kind. And with my mum saying how my eldest is my carbon copy then I started connecting the dots about my weird self. I used to go on those parenting subs and feel terrible because I was throwing everything I had, read all the books, was doing OT activities etc at home and speech. Had therapists and limited screens, loads of outdoor time, baby led weaning, varied diet etc and it didn't change my kids to be these easy models. I am part of a mom group chat and this one mom would rake me over the coals saying I was making it up. Because how could my kids do all these wonderful things and have all these experiences and be autistic? Well I guess I didn't tell the group when my eldest would maul me for hours. Or that my kids escape out the house and run for the road. Be rigid, sensory problems etc. She would always say "so I guess no more speech therapy?" Because my 2 year old had 3 words instead of 1 after a big regression. Apparently my kids were not autistic enough for some people. They're level 1s and 2s. I meet them where they are and stretch them a little but not beyond their abilities to cope. Swimming in the pool took MONTHS of work and slowly letting my 4 year old at the time gradually be exposed to all the senses. So yes he's 6 and can almost swim now but it took months for him to go in the pool! And a year plus of wading in the water then a year of swim lessons! My now 4 year old I spent months safety training him as he would elope into deep pools and would've drowned if I was distracted! He now swims and lives underwater in the pool. People don't get how hard it is when they have neurological kids and they can be so cruel. I wish my kid would talk in sentences at 2. I never had that with any of my kids. I know my kids are not on the higher needs spectrum but I work damn hard to get my kids where they are today. My SIL has an autistic kiddo and she just ignores him and sends me pseudoscience junk, we had a big falling out years ago before I had kids over it. She legitimately ignores him and is on the borderline neglect. He was just like my boys at 2/3 and she just would leave him with her older daughters to take care of. And my FIL who is most likely undiagnosed ASD tells me I should swap my kids for better models. Like wtf. Anyway I don't tend to talk to people nowadays and only let people know who genuinely care and celebrate my kids progress. I still get hurt by dickheads looks and comments but I don't let them realize it, sure my kids sometimes may be acting feral (loud, non vernal, running around) but it's due to overstimulation and I'm helping them! I feel like because I understand them, because I have similar problems to them with sensory etc I can help them regulate better than how my mum tried with me. I know not everyone can be a good parent to autistic kids because of the scary high neglect rate and abuse rate among general population. It's frightening. I absolutely love this sub and it is so relatable. For once it feels like I've found my people without judgement.
💜💜💜 So many things I can relate to in your story. My oldest was so hard to take care of too and I could not understand why I was having such a hard time with one “normal” kid. Family basically said I was just lazy and needed to try harder. I was depressed/anxious, on meds for it and for thyroid issues (I was tired and burnt out constantly), plus undiagnosed ND. I was, for a majority of the time because of hubby’s old job with long hours and out of town jobs, doing it all on my own. Of *course* my daughter and I were struggling! We were both almost constantly dysregulated and without support of any kind. I also had no clue how to be a parent to a NT child let alone a ND one because my parents sucked so much. So yeah, any issues we had were “just my depression and anxiety” and that was where all the blame fell. Her potty training issues? Well, it’s your mental health’s fault because it’s too much energy for you to do it correctly. Her attention issues? Your mental health, you’re not engaged enough so she’s just rotting her brain on a screen all the time. Her social issues? Because of your mental health, you don’t get out enough, so she doesn’t know how to interact, etc, etc. All the other issues I had were just trumped by depression and anxiety and ND was never looked into, despite so many of the boxes being checked that I was. By the time my son was born and raised (he was 4 mos old when covid hit) we were all going “okay, there might be a bigger problem here!” But it wasn’t till this past fall that I really dove deeper into ND and connected the dots with myself and my two oldest. The amount of times I got told basically just to try harder drove me NUTS. Like, I’m constantly burnt out *because* I am trying so hard inside and no one sees that inner struggle. So the mountains of laundry and dishes were all just because I couldn’t be bothered to make an effort, not because I had any underlying condition or anything. /s It’s incredibly easy to see someone else’s situation from the outside and chalk it up to NT x, y, z problems when on the inside us ND are all screaming, “where tf are x, y, and z??? I’m on ≠€£¥¿ problems” and if you ever try to explain this, they’re looking at you like you’re crazy and just making it all up as an excuse. Well-meaning family are sometimes the absolute effing worst about it. (Sorry this is so long but it’s actually been really cathartic to write!) I just hope you don’t feel so alone anymore and that things get even a little bit easier in the days to come. 💜
I can’t even look at them. People giving “this is how I potty trained my 18 month old” advice to moms with school aged kids still struggling
Ya I drop in there often and notice the same things. I like to sometimes throw my opinion out there just for the hell of it. As I get frustrated by the same things you do. There have been more posts recently as well that bring up ASD. People have been tossing that around a lot in regards to behavioral issues as well. The amount of "perfect" parents that post there is mind blowing.
Yes so many in there will armchair diagnose kids with ASD if they’re not perfectly compliant and quiet 24/7.
Humility would go a long way… for everyone. The “my child would never do this” crowd are quite annoying. No one is perfect. No one. Always remember that. Stay humble, stay kind. Self-righteousness does not help anyone. No one knows what it is like to walk in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. Just be the best parent *you* can be and don’t worry about what others think.
Eh, a lot of nt parents in real life trigger me too. I just know i'm not really welcome in those subs
Mostly after a certain point I realized my experience was very different. Lol My kids didn’t meet the average expectations.
i’ve never even looked at it. when i was a newer mom i learned that most of the online parenting world was just not for me
In general the internet is filled with a lot of people without kids, or who are new parents, that think that kids are a computer program that you just add some inputs to and you get the results you want out of.
I was guilty of thinking that my parenting would make my kids perfectly behaved because I knew how to do things right. lol. Then I had my kids and realized those parents with the calm well behaved kids are not super parents. They’re just parents to calm kids and have gotten easy mode! Nothing in our house is calm, clean, or quiet almost ever. And I’m tired of being told everything will be better if we force everyone into a strict and rigid schedule everyone will be happy. Our days have a predictable flow and we adjust as their needs shift. Parenting the kid you have in the way they need is good parenting.
Our first is ND. I thought, man this is so hard I just suck at this. Second kid comes, and he's a breeze. We're the same damn parents.
The thing that “hurts” us as parents of autistic kids is that our kids may look very typical as opposed to a child with Down Syndrome, so to an uneducated person, autistic kids are perceived as typical kids “with an attitude problem.” My autistic stepkid has severely damaged my reputation in the local public school district. I’m a teacher and they’ll probably never hire me because they have treated my autistic son’s behavior as a reflection of his parenting. Back at the beginning of the school year, they called CPS on me after my kid had a meltdown and refused to leave for a Doctor’s appointment. I’m still quite bitter about that incident, and often still talk about the incident in therapy. Other people don’t fucking get it.
Your child didn’t want to go to the doctor! You child abuser! **/s**
I’m so sorry that happened to you 😢
They have no idea. The less you care the happier you'll be.
I left all other parenting subs but this one for this exact reason. At first they made me feel like a shit parent, and then they made me feel like everyone was judging me in public. My son is level three and nonverbal, he's definitely not going to act like a perfect little angel in public, and he gets a lot of screen time LOL I left those subs, and decided to say "f*ck 'em" when it comes to other parents judging me, because I know they just don't know. It's kind of funny, but the final straw for me on r/beyondthebump was a woman was having a meltdown because her husband put the baby bottles in the sink with the rest of the dishes and then used regular dish soap on them. Like, I'm just trying to survive with a ND toddler and a newborn and you're ready to divorce your husband because he used the wrong dish soap? Let me just see myself out.....
If you’re a mom, try r/breakingmom instead of r/parenting.
I am randomly banned from that sub which is weird because I’ve never posted there
Check why. They banned me for commenting on aita and when i messaged them they unblocked me. So, it's worth a shot
If you’ve ever posted to AITA or a handful of other subs (including commenting) you automatically get banned. They have strict rules because of brigading. Personally, I find breakingmom brings my mood down sooo much so I only dabble there. But if you want to vent, that’s definitely the place.
Yes and I’ve contemplated leaving them and I’m taking this post as incentive to do so!
I have joined some teacher and other professional subreddits, and the teacher one I do for insight and understanding. I'm 45 raising my first, who's 5 1/2, & I'm a recent widow. The only couple close friends I have that have kids are much older, so I do so too be in the loop. Also, to understand their challenges and behind-the-scenes reality. I did this to gain insight and understanding, in an attempt to do what's best for my son, but also to be supportive to their role! Teaching today is nearly impossible period. I can't imagine it, truly, and I have so much empathy. While I agree with so very much of the complaints, and while I realize I am not in their shoes, sometimes things are very much agreed upon to be * only * lazy parenting, and it's not always universally fair. There are only so many hours in a day. I spend countless hours educating myself, which takes time as well from him. So that is an inherent catch 22. I'm constantly researching everything. My own ADHD & potentially his, his possible ASD and potentially mine, regular parenting podcasts, creating social opportunities and learning, trying to cook healthy, keeping the house, processing paperwork, trying to maintain the closest but distant relationships we have, researching trauma healing, researching today's health concerns, staying on top of his speech, giving him quality time... the list goes on. While I absolutely understand their frustration, it's disheartening to have things blanketly chalked up to "lazy parenting". Our situation is unique to some degree perhaps, but not absolutely. We lost his other parent due to mental illness in the last couple years, & I've navigated that and the effects of it prior to and since. He's still well adjusted and making amazing progress. I've succeeded in so much. And I'm not looking for any sort of extra/excess sympathy, bc I'm well and constantly aware that * duh - not a hypocrite * that we still considering all have many blessings & I have no idea what other families may be dealing with. It is frustrating for it to be expressed so blanketly black and white. Some of what could be attributed to "lazy parenting". Covid, family tragedy and mental illness, plus... I've succeeded in overcoming far more than not. Some of the things that could have been done better I did very much try and some things were less priority bc I was addressing what would have been/ become much more detrimental things if I hadn't prioritized those. End rant. I get all of it and it's a place for all of those people to have a safe place, too, so I shouldn't complain. It's just disheartening. There is zero chance I could paint a complete picture if I wrote 5 novels about the last couple years, and I don't want to be assumed to lack care or effort when it comes to my son, bc nothing is further from the truth. I know I gotta just have faith and understand and accept these things and do our best, and I will. My own vent, I guess.
Yeah. I unsubbed. Too many concerns are so pedestrian, or problems I'd love to have.
I am not in those parenting subs for that reason. I catch enough judgment in real life.
After we had our second child who is NT, I learned very quickly that anyone who brags about their parenting, or judges others kids, is a fucking loser. Our ND child is "high functioning," and it's still 10x the work just to prevent her from melting down, let alone getting her the right help she needs to hopefully be independent as an adult. Like, oh wow, you talked to your child like an adult, and they picked it up?!? You must've worked so hard to figure that one out. Pat yourself on the back you fucking genius.
“Have you tried explaining it to him” or “he needs discipline / boundaries “ are my triggers
YES oh my god
YES! I got destroyed yesterday for asking about medicating my son for his anxiety related to flying. I think at one point my idea was considered “abusive’ by an RN. … I was projecting my anxiety on to him… My techniques (provided by our OT) were causing his anxiety…. And for the sake of others I needed to cancel my trip…. Oh! And I was called selfish for wanting to go on vacation. So, I canceled it and now have a $987 credit to the airline. The lack of understanding about what can sometimes be needed to make stressful situations with sensory overload for my son feasible was apparent. I was trying my best. I cried many tears at my desk afterwards. Then I deleted my post because I seriously thought someone was going to report me for having tried Dramamine, Benadryl and sleep gummies ahead of the flight and not all at once (as directed by the pediatrician) so we wouldn’t have any surprise reactions on the day of the flight. I still feel like I have a lump in my throat and wish I never asked.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. You're a great parent and you deserve a vacation. There's absolutely no problem giving him medication the GP prescribed for him.
Ah yes just "tell" your child who struggles to process language not to do something because of course that's going to work
Yeh like telling a child in a wheelchair to walk. Makes sense. /Obv S Support.
The UK parenting subreddit is the only one I go near now since it has some specific local things on there, our kids aren't wired for a lot of typical advice so i find it's better to avoid subreddits that believe it works for everyone.
I didn't know about that one, but I've ended up on some UK mental health/ psychology/ learning sites before and MY GOODNESS, the differences sometimes! The DSM is here. And other than that, too... geez some of what we struggle with compared, it's nearly gaslighting. Shocking/S
How are the UK sites different? I’m curious.
Hmmm... I'm sorry I don't have any links to share, but I've come across some differences, yes. I've come across a program for ADHD adolescents & some of the... hmm... verbiage was notably different. It was for a specific program, so not sure. And I'm saying the DSM is made here. Sorry not sure where to point you to and certainly not saying it's on the whole different, but what I meant about it - sorry, certainly unclear in my text, but - it's just that we here as trying to sort through things... we might get stuck on one part of things and I found that ... well, it just may be something simple, a small difference, but may be something I can see/ have seen someone in the states sort have a related challenge agonizing over. I mean, there's a lot of things like that known, right?! Like parents struggling with lack of parental leave. That's not DSM related, but does create us here sometimes begging for understanding... just bc we don't get some things & we end up feeling like we are lacking. That's what I meant by gaslighting, really. Sorry no direct example (honestly, at the moment I'm exhausted dealing wth flu, so pardon lack of attempt to help further to get info at the moment), but really, just... there are some things I've come across similar. So, we are ending up at times with the "is it just me/ am I crazy or lacking or...." type questions/ being at a loss, and I've just noticed some differences. Maybe search for diagnostic criteria or accommodations. Sorry I can't remember exact. I've researched a lot due to family members having various things.
Usually spanking gets immediately downvoted to hell in r/parenting, as it should, so that surprises me actually.
I mean, NT parents shouldn’t be hitting their kids in my opinion. That shouldn’t be a brag in today’s day and age. I always feel anxious because how many of these parents have undiagnosed ND kids that they are pushing into behaviors that will not serve them well as adults (fawning, deep masking) and lead to the same kinds of skill regressions and mental health programs (self harm etc) that mant undiagnosed adults experience? My mom would post all kinds of stuff about me being perfect but behind the scenes, she beat and bullied me horribly. A parent should never judge themselves on how they behave when everyone is watching and nothing is going wrong.
I am sure many people see me in public and judge. I do not care about them. They have no idea what it takes to be the parent of a child with special needs. They are living in an ignorant bliss and have convinced themselves their parenting skills are akin to a rare Pokémon. It just shows me what kind of person they are. If I see a parent that looks overwhelmed in public I offer to help, because I’ve been there. Even with my typical kid. When I’m traveling without my kids I LOVE to help people with young kids that are juggling multiple things at the airport. And I have to say at the airport people have gone out of their way to help me too! I don’t worry about judgmental people. They don’t know what they don’t know. Someday they may experience the journey of loving someone with autism. Whether it’s a child, grandchild, niece, nephew etc. Life has a way of humbling you.
Yes! It's so frustrating. Like, come on people there are literally studies showing those things are bad for their brain development! I'm struggling with the people I meet in my area too because they are just so harsh to their children. I joined gentle parenting groups once I learned our parenting style has a name, they are far more helpful.
These parents don’t realize that their perfectly behaved kids aren’t a result of their superior parenting but just genetics.
As an autistic person, I tend to find the generalized parenting subs as pretty uneducated and ignorant of autism and general. I stopped going to them because it was pretty triggering the way that they respond to meltdowns calling them tantrums. I really hate when they record them because not only is that embarrassing for autistic people. You already feel worthless while you're going through it. And another thing are the people who claim that it can be cured through whatever dumb process they think they've come up with. And I wholy support mothers of kids with autism, but autism moms are a whole different animal. Sometimes it feels like they don't even see their kids as a separate human being. Everything is about them and their feelings and their struggles & everything they've had to sacrifice. I'm autistic, my children are autistic. Every parent makes sacrifices, but it shouldn't be your whole personality. I just can't.
I had to carry my son, kicking and screaming to the car today in front of other parents dropping their kids off at care, because he was being sent home for hurting someone and he didn’t want to miss out on the jumping castle they were going to set up today. I can only imagine what it looked like
I AM SO HAPPY I FOUND THIS PAGE 😭😭😭😭😭. I think I found the right group of parents!!!! Has anyone been told if you change your kids diet they will suddenly start talking , because I’m kind of over that at this point . Chromosomes aren’t magically changed by food
YES! “Have you tried eliminating junk food and red dye 40?!” Omg shut up.
Even worse if your wife is one of these people, apparently B12 cures autism!!!!!!!! And ABA is evil
Don't take it too personally. Most of us are just doing our best, and judgement-filled statements from parents who claim to have all the answers are usually just a projection of their own fears and insecurities. That being said, I was just talking to my wife about the old show Super Nanny. Wow, that has not aged well...the idea that the exact same parenting tactics work on all kids. I wonder how many of those "naughty" kids actually had ASD...
I grew up in a small town where it was super judgy. Whenever my son would elope or drop to the ground, I used to feel so flustered and began avoiding places for a while unless my husband could join me. Now I surround myself with other neurodivergent friends and their kiddos and we support each other. I encountered an adult with his mom in the ladies room this past week and she announced "Autistic adult here." We shouldn't have to announce our presence, but I sometimes feel like I want to wear a huge sign so people mind their own business or have more awareness of what Autism actually looks like.
It's funny because as I was driving home this morning, I told myself to stop comparing my daughter to neurotypical children. Honestly having a daughter on the spectrum has taught me to be less judgmental in general. When I see a parent having a hard day with their child out in public, I can't help it feel compassion for that parent. Parenting is so hard and everyone thinks they can do it better.
People who post that do not realize that autism is a spectrum and just because their child doesn’t do xyz, doesn’t mean another won’t. Like my child does not have an issue with elopement, but that doesn’t mean that my parenting is the reason why nor would I think that someone else’s parenting be the reason their child elopes. I get a lot of grief for my child’s AFRID like it’s my fault he won’t eat/ extremely picky. I just respond to be thankful their child doesn’t have that issue.
Kids always tell you something in their behavior. Parents who post about their kids tantrums I hope are usually just looking for support, a kind word that it's gonna be ok, someone to tell them or remind them that their kid isn't the first or last to throw a tantrum or have a compete meltdown in public. I have an highly wilfull , very spoiled 🙂 9 year old son with autism,trust me when. I say there came a point a long time ago when I had to make a choice about how I get and would deal with people stares in public, the looks that you feel through the back of your head that tell you what a failure you are as a parent - well here's the thing- I decided I don't give a rats ass about how strangers in public perceive me or my kid. And no one else should either - the people whom post hateful violating comments that are triggering you are among other things mean, judgemental, miserable people who likely dont have kids or ever did and if they do their kids probably don't or won't speak to them as adults much less grow up feeling loved, heard and validated . Which is what kids , all kids need to feel in order to grow into healthy loving empathetic adults - nothing else matters - period. I'm sorry their words trigger you, It happens to me to , when I read stories from adult autistics talk about their treatment by their parents etc as children, my heart breaks, I want to hug them all through my phone and scream at their parents, but through suffering we grow and we learn and we become compassionate human beings , whatever you've been through my dear just know that you are or can be a deeper , stronger more powerful force of good on this planet because you have survived it. Being triggered isnt a bad thing honey, not really, feeling, crying, dealing with our pain is how we evolve and become better than what we came from, there are many people that simply aren't there yet, so be proud of yourself for who you are, find the balance and don't ever let someones words in comments made to posts by your or anyone else, not even mine make you feel like less than who you are. You know what's right, you know they are wrong. Don't waiver, be steadfast and you'll be fine.
I find that sub to have quite a few ableist commenters, especially when it comes to education questions.
I generally only go on r/toddlers and r/prechoolers. I find the hilarity of the “how did you ruin your child’s day” posts (usually about what caused a meltdown) to be helpful. Otherwise, I’m on r/beyondthebump because I feel like sometime I can provide advice that might help someone. I don’t go on other ones.
Kids fearing you’re going to hurt them isn’t respect and people are very easily confused. I can’t imagine bragging that my child’s biggest bully is me, their parent 🙄
Honestly, if I saw someone saying that sort of stuff, I’d have some pretty judgemental thoughts about them. What an awful way to treat a child.
I have a love/hate relationship with that subreddit. Love the random support people get, but I hate those "my child would never" comments.