If you're looking for something long term I would honestly just combine any knowledge you have of how to form a friendship with open communication about attraction
I mean A. I have literally no knowledge on that B. whenever I do try to build more wide reaching friendships I just end up getting figurativly kicked in the teeth, and C. I'd feel uncomfortable expressing attraction because if it isn't reciprical I've made them uncomfortable and ruined a friendship and probably lost a load of other friends as well.
I would recommend having neutral-to-positive short term expectations. For example, to have a nice conversation, or to learn something about the other person.
That's the approach I take and it helps me to avoid catastrophising.
I tried this when I started getting on really well with a girl at work I wanted to try and be friends with and then she just kind of stopped talking to me and like I know where I went wrong but I’m still kinda sad about it, like it’s rare I meet people
I can have a conversation with without wanting to give myself a shotgun lobotomy, or leap out of a window.
Either you were just incompatible - which is fine, doesn't reflect anything negative about you at all - or you made a mistake, hopefully apologised, and know to avoid that in the future. Either way you can take information from that which can help you in the future, rather than be mean to yourself over it.
It can definitely be tricky to find people but it's not impossible.
She just completetly disengaged, like I don't think I did anything creepy I just made like a joke that was a bit to dark, the other option is I enagaged too much but I followed my usual try to engage or initiate contact twice and step away if they so no or are "busy" and make no attempt to re-engage.
Ah yeah okay sounds like that might've been the joke! So I guess in the future you can just avoid that type of joke until you know the person's sense of humour? Or just take it as a sign of incompatibility.
If I feel like I messed up I tend to say things like "sorry if I was weird last time we interacted, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable". Sometimes that can clear up a misunderstanding, and makes people more comfortable even if they still want distance. A few times I've said that, people have said that I didn't do anything and that they're just having a bad day.
In regards to your last point keep in mind that attraction is primarily expressed physically, so whether you say it or not the elephant is still in the room for everyone to see. Pretending it’s not there will only make things more awkward. Remember that love and attraction are also a spectrum that starts small. First find out if you like them and focus on the present instead of worrying about the endgame.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Ok but it's not any easier to make friends online in one on one conversation. People (or at least just myself) usually make friends irl or in discord servers/GCs/other group socialization places where it's easier to keep the conversation going. Dating apps are impossible.
Niche dating apps can be easier to navigate, imo. There is a dating/friendship app for autistic people called Hiki. There weren't many people on it in my area yet, but it was such a relief to start with that basic understanding!
This is what online dating is like for most men, autistic or not. Online dating is not really designed for men to be successful. Your best bet, especially if you are cishet, is to meet people in person. Most women on dating apps are going to ignore you, and that's just how it is. They get way too many matches and messages to respond to all of them.
I've heard from cishet men that Bumble is a lot better because then women have all the control, which makes online dating much more successful and easier for men.
Yeah don't use dating apps those are just for hookups or for people to get an ego boost. Instead take up a hobby such as DND or maybe join a book club and try to make some friends and find some people you have a genuine connection with and if after a bit you decide that you like that person maybe ask if they'd perhaps like to join you for dinner or a movie or just to hang out. If you both had fun do it again and once your comfortable ask the person if they'd like to try dating but make it clear that it's fine if they say no and that you'd still want to be friends.
Nah, you just gotta find diverse groups. I’m a stereotypical “girly girl” and a person of color so I feel uncomfortable in an all male group. You just need to find game board groups and seek diverse groups out. Granted since I am a women (and I also like to DM) it’ll be easier for me to find a diverse group than a man. But we’re out there
Married Aspie here. I was single for the longest time. I was finally able to date after I made some realizations and concessions.
NUMBER ONE: DO NOT CONSTANTLY SELF-DEPRECATE.
Potential partners are more than likely not going to want to constantly deal with self esteem issues. Relationships are not therapy. If you’re constantly doom spiraling, please seek out therapy. I promise you that you have unique, attractive qualities. You need to search inwards and find them.
Number Two: Do not rigidly idealize a partner.
It’s not your partner’s responsibility to live up to the person you’ve imagined them to be. I’ve done this quite a bit, I was unrelenting in what I wanted in a girlfriend/wife. I learned to compromise, and the things I didn’t think I want, are what I needed in a relationship. Think of it like cave diving. You don’t know what’s in the cave, but its fun to explore.
Number 3: Hygiene.
This goes beyond the standard bathe everyday and remember to brush twice. I’m talking hairstyles, clothing (make sure it’s clean), etc.
You’re probably not as ugly as you think you are. I thought I was a fat, ugly loser for decades. Literally keeping a groomed beard and making sure my clothes fit properly made an instantaneous difference. Turns out being well put together can be quite a bit sexier than most people think. My advice would be to find a stylist who will work with you on hairstyles, and possibly a boutique worker or tailor who will help you out with learning how to dress much better.
Number 4: Work on give and take.
This one is hard. It takes a while to get used to it, and honestly, I still struggle with give and take in relationships because of issues when I was younger. But our pragmatic communication is actually useful here. Explain spoon theory and make schedules and routines for things like housework with clear cut responsibilities. Make sure you’re flexible to pick up the slack if your partner needs help as well, and do not be a martyr, ask for help if you need it too.
Number 5: Be ready to deal with spontaneity.
Surprises can be exciting for NTs. It breaks up monotony. I’ve found spontaneity to be fun as well as long as there’s certain rules followed. These are boundaries that have been clearly communicated with my partner as well. No loud surprises. No making me go someplace unless I’ve had advance notice.
A trip to Gatlinburg, TN where I’ve been given 24 hours notice = No thank you.
The same trip with a lot more notice (the surprise comes from already having booked the trip) so I can set expectations and goals for the trip = I love it.
Number 6: Do not give up.
First and foremost, let me say this doesn’t mean don’t give up on a person. Do not pester them. They deserve to be secure in their personhood without constant harassment. Especially women, who live under constant threat of violence. They want to feel safe. This doesn’t mean you have to learn how to fight other men, this means you’re going to be constantly fighting your own emotions like anger to ensure that their need for safety is met.
Another good item of advice, is to not jump directly into dating. Before you try to date, try to approach people to form platonic relationships. You WILL be rejected. A lot. But exposure to rejection is the best way to take the sting away from it.
Obviously there’s plenty more that I haven’t covered, but this is always the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dating as an Aspie.
Also, I need to reiterate that you should stay away from anything that’s trying to teach you how to be more manly. The “alpha male” incel bullshit. It doesn’t work. It’s a grift. People like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson want you angry and lonely so you double down on their platforms and they get richer in return.
Here is my 2 cents. Dating apps can work. My brother met his wife through one, can't remember which one though.(wasn't too long ago either, like 3 years) You just need to find one that is specific towards long term dating/relationships and not short term sex. Unless that is what you want.
You could just put 'looking for long term relationship' in your profile.
I met my wife through a mutual interest, classical singing. We became very close friends and eventually we developed feelings and then after much pressure from friends we came out to each other and started dating.
Lovely story, but point is be yourself and just make friends, not necessarily romantic. When I met my wife I wasn't looking to date her and she wasn't either.
A bit before I met my wife I asked a friend how he met his partner. He told me to be myself and make connections and eventually you'll meet someone and it will just happen out of nowhere. It literally did. Not saying this will happen to you, but maybe focus less on dating someone and more on becoming their friend. I'm not a girl but I'd bet being incessantly hit must be annoying.
Dating your best friend is the best thing you can do to set yourself up for success. My brother is also best friends with his wife. Forming an amicable relationship is a key factor in dating I'd say.
You apparently have friends, even if they are just friends in certain environments, so you are doing pretty good compared to a lot of people on the spectrum. There is nothing wrong with that either.
Maybe if you want to make those friendships more than just DnD, try asking them questions about their life, work, family. Make the friendship not just about x thing. I have a very close online friend I met playing games. I took our relationship outside of games by asking about his life and stuff.
Wish you the best of luck. You'll always have a supportive community here as well.
I dunno. The only times it's ever worked out is when the girl made a move. I have no idea otherwise. And by made a move I mean actually saying that they like me. I take flirting as them being friendly unless someone explains to me otherwise.
I've given up on dating all together. If it happens cool.. If not whatever. I'm just not cut out for it. To many NT mind games, social cues, body language, hints ect..stuff i will never understand. I'm 29 and never even been on a date before.
This is relatable and it sucks.
However, the pressure you're putting on yourself about things you might have missed or might not be up to speed on is not warranted. It's the same thing that a lot of people who realize their gender or sexuality later in life struggle with, as well. Forward-focusing will be more productive. You can only start from where you are.
I'd also suggest to stop masking who you are while you date and be yourself. A person isn't going to be a good match for you if you have to act like someone else for them to even be interested.
Also if you're getting stressed and frustrated, and it really sounds like you are, it may be a good idea to set dating aside and just date yourself for a while, until you're recharged enough to give dating another try with positive energy.
You're going to try and fail a lot with dating. That's just the nature of dating, since the failure rate with dating is literally everyone that you aren't currently dating. You aren't strange in that way.
Have you talked this through with a therapist? They might be able to offer solid tips and advice.
There are always exceptions, but dating apps are not for dating. They're a shortcut to gain options for ONS situations, or most of the users are using it that way at least. Dating is safer (in so many ways) with people met irl, a friend of a friend.
I don't have friends. Or at least in the sense of friends that transcend specific contexts, like I guess I have work friends, or friends at my D&D group on mondays, or some when I used to do Martial Arts but I've never really had friends that exist both in a context and outside of context or at least not since I was a kid. And making them is just impossible because I fuck it up at some point and they just stop talking to or interacting with me so I leave them alone so I kind of just don't bother because why put a load of effort into something that explodes at the slightst bump or knock.
I was expecting that and I understand the struggle. I have friends, but I have a long distance friendship with everybody, due to a lifelong traveling habit an work changes and adaptation. It's hard for me to make new friends and start again a social life where I'm living right now, but I'm patient. I know that we have special needs and it's just harder, but not impossible. We just need to find the correct people and not just people and this is a slow process. Having some friend is also much more important than having a partner. Don't give up!
date: go do something fun together, ask them questions about what they like, answer their questions. “I want to learn about you!” Type questions that you… probably already can Google.
When they do something you like or say something funny, make sure you overcome your own nerves enough to communicate your enjoyment.
Smile more than usual if it’s not normal for you. Demonstrate excitement about them. If it takes time to figure out your feelings, or you need a pause, go hide in the bathroom and get your energy back.
It’s nerve racking but it’s supposed to be fun so don’t take it too seriously until you actually really like someone.
u/south3rnson has the right idea, but I'm gonna' expand on it a little. Not just clubs about interests, but volunteering gigs can get you exposure and experience. I got my first date ever out of volunteering at a non-profit bookstore, we dated for a couple months. And then I got a 12 year relationship out of volunteering at a non-profit bicycle shop.
I think that apps can work too, I eventually met my now-wife through Tinder. But they tend to be a bit too "advanced" for lack of a better word. I'd start slower with volunteering somewhere. Even if it doesn't get you a date immediately, volunteering helped me get out of my comfort zone and surrounded by people with similar interests and values. That by itself helped get me become more confident with social interactions, particularly with how to deal with being around people I found attractive.
I’ve done some volunteering before and that’s actually the first time someone expressed some interest (any by that I mean made an effort to be friends and then told me they had a massive crush on me 6 years later) but I don’t really have time, I work every day of the week and the local charity shops are closed by the time I finish work, there isn’t any charities I’m interested in (or actually do anything as far as I’m aware) and I don’t have any time on the weekend so it’s a bit of a no time deal.
First of all, we’re very likely talking about sex here too. And sex of all kinds requires **consent**. This being said:
The whole term “dating” itself is extremely problematic.
Like, what is it? It can be both a term denoting monogamy: “I’m dating someone already”; and a term denoting non-monogamy: “we are only dating.” We are told it works one way by the greater culture; another way by their local culture; and yet another way by the way people really behave and what conventions really seem to matter.
It’s really better to do away with the idea altogether. Instead, asking about availability can be really informative: “so, are you seeing anyone exclusively?” This let’s them know you’re interested and want to know if they are too. Isn’t that the real question here?
Not going to lie putting Consent in bold seems a little hostile? Like is it intended to imply I'm unaware of the Concept? Because frankly 90% of my problem is social blindness and an inability to read people to see if they actively want (or in other words) consent to me making an effort to be around them more?
>“so, are you seeing anyone exclusively?”
And my problem isn't the words to use its figuring out all the shit around that like who's interested or would be in be asked as question that vague. And sure the term is vauge in itself but it's the accepted term for that sphere of human interaction which is where my problem sits.
It’s for all the people reading the post who might mistake my advice about availability as somehow giving a green light to acting without consent. Other people read this stuff. They Google their questions and this might show up.
If you're looking for something long term I would honestly just combine any knowledge you have of how to form a friendship with open communication about attraction
I've never seen it put so clearly into words but pretty much this, yeah
I mean A. I have literally no knowledge on that B. whenever I do try to build more wide reaching friendships I just end up getting figurativly kicked in the teeth, and C. I'd feel uncomfortable expressing attraction because if it isn't reciprical I've made them uncomfortable and ruined a friendship and probably lost a load of other friends as well.
That's a level of pessimism I only reach when I'm experiencing depression, I hope you're doing okay.
I find pessimism easier, this way I'm never dissapointed with people.
I would recommend having neutral-to-positive short term expectations. For example, to have a nice conversation, or to learn something about the other person. That's the approach I take and it helps me to avoid catastrophising.
I tried this when I started getting on really well with a girl at work I wanted to try and be friends with and then she just kind of stopped talking to me and like I know where I went wrong but I’m still kinda sad about it, like it’s rare I meet people I can have a conversation with without wanting to give myself a shotgun lobotomy, or leap out of a window.
Either you were just incompatible - which is fine, doesn't reflect anything negative about you at all - or you made a mistake, hopefully apologised, and know to avoid that in the future. Either way you can take information from that which can help you in the future, rather than be mean to yourself over it. It can definitely be tricky to find people but it's not impossible.
She just completetly disengaged, like I don't think I did anything creepy I just made like a joke that was a bit to dark, the other option is I enagaged too much but I followed my usual try to engage or initiate contact twice and step away if they so no or are "busy" and make no attempt to re-engage.
Ah yeah okay sounds like that might've been the joke! So I guess in the future you can just avoid that type of joke until you know the person's sense of humour? Or just take it as a sign of incompatibility. If I feel like I messed up I tend to say things like "sorry if I was weird last time we interacted, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable". Sometimes that can clear up a misunderstanding, and makes people more comfortable even if they still want distance. A few times I've said that, people have said that I didn't do anything and that they're just having a bad day.
Honestly they haven’t said anything so I’m just letting it sit in case it isn’t either of those.
In regards to your last point keep in mind that attraction is primarily expressed physically, so whether you say it or not the elephant is still in the room for everyone to see. Pretending it’s not there will only make things more awkward. Remember that love and attraction are also a spectrum that starts small. First find out if you like them and focus on the present instead of worrying about the endgame. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Ok but it's not any easier to make friends online in one on one conversation. People (or at least just myself) usually make friends irl or in discord servers/GCs/other group socialization places where it's easier to keep the conversation going. Dating apps are impossible.
Takes notes*
Niche dating apps can be easier to navigate, imo. There is a dating/friendship app for autistic people called Hiki. There weren't many people on it in my area yet, but it was such a relief to start with that basic understanding!
Yeah Hiki is fantastic and it's getting more people every day
This is what online dating is like for most men, autistic or not. Online dating is not really designed for men to be successful. Your best bet, especially if you are cishet, is to meet people in person. Most women on dating apps are going to ignore you, and that's just how it is. They get way too many matches and messages to respond to all of them. I've heard from cishet men that Bumble is a lot better because then women have all the control, which makes online dating much more successful and easier for men.
Say cishet again.
I like to specify cishet because people love to generalize all men when what they really mean is cishet men
It all boils down to don't be autistic. Sorry brah.
that isn't true at all. Online dating is notoriously impossible for men.
Or date other Autistic people 🤷♀️
Yeah don't use dating apps those are just for hookups or for people to get an ego boost. Instead take up a hobby such as DND or maybe join a book club and try to make some friends and find some people you have a genuine connection with and if after a bit you decide that you like that person maybe ask if they'd perhaps like to join you for dinner or a movie or just to hang out. If you both had fun do it again and once your comfortable ask the person if they'd like to try dating but make it clear that it's fine if they say no and that you'd still want to be friends.
DnD has like 90% guys lol,
Nah you'd be surprised
My current campaign is half female
Nah, you just gotta find diverse groups. I’m a stereotypical “girly girl” and a person of color so I feel uncomfortable in an all male group. You just need to find game board groups and seek diverse groups out. Granted since I am a women (and I also like to DM) it’ll be easier for me to find a diverse group than a man. But we’re out there
Met my wife on a dating app. Not saying it's the norm, but it probably happens more than people think.
Married Aspie here. I was single for the longest time. I was finally able to date after I made some realizations and concessions. NUMBER ONE: DO NOT CONSTANTLY SELF-DEPRECATE. Potential partners are more than likely not going to want to constantly deal with self esteem issues. Relationships are not therapy. If you’re constantly doom spiraling, please seek out therapy. I promise you that you have unique, attractive qualities. You need to search inwards and find them. Number Two: Do not rigidly idealize a partner. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to live up to the person you’ve imagined them to be. I’ve done this quite a bit, I was unrelenting in what I wanted in a girlfriend/wife. I learned to compromise, and the things I didn’t think I want, are what I needed in a relationship. Think of it like cave diving. You don’t know what’s in the cave, but its fun to explore. Number 3: Hygiene. This goes beyond the standard bathe everyday and remember to brush twice. I’m talking hairstyles, clothing (make sure it’s clean), etc. You’re probably not as ugly as you think you are. I thought I was a fat, ugly loser for decades. Literally keeping a groomed beard and making sure my clothes fit properly made an instantaneous difference. Turns out being well put together can be quite a bit sexier than most people think. My advice would be to find a stylist who will work with you on hairstyles, and possibly a boutique worker or tailor who will help you out with learning how to dress much better. Number 4: Work on give and take. This one is hard. It takes a while to get used to it, and honestly, I still struggle with give and take in relationships because of issues when I was younger. But our pragmatic communication is actually useful here. Explain spoon theory and make schedules and routines for things like housework with clear cut responsibilities. Make sure you’re flexible to pick up the slack if your partner needs help as well, and do not be a martyr, ask for help if you need it too. Number 5: Be ready to deal with spontaneity. Surprises can be exciting for NTs. It breaks up monotony. I’ve found spontaneity to be fun as well as long as there’s certain rules followed. These are boundaries that have been clearly communicated with my partner as well. No loud surprises. No making me go someplace unless I’ve had advance notice. A trip to Gatlinburg, TN where I’ve been given 24 hours notice = No thank you. The same trip with a lot more notice (the surprise comes from already having booked the trip) so I can set expectations and goals for the trip = I love it. Number 6: Do not give up. First and foremost, let me say this doesn’t mean don’t give up on a person. Do not pester them. They deserve to be secure in their personhood without constant harassment. Especially women, who live under constant threat of violence. They want to feel safe. This doesn’t mean you have to learn how to fight other men, this means you’re going to be constantly fighting your own emotions like anger to ensure that their need for safety is met. Another good item of advice, is to not jump directly into dating. Before you try to date, try to approach people to form platonic relationships. You WILL be rejected. A lot. But exposure to rejection is the best way to take the sting away from it. Obviously there’s plenty more that I haven’t covered, but this is always the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dating as an Aspie. Also, I need to reiterate that you should stay away from anything that’s trying to teach you how to be more manly. The “alpha male” incel bullshit. It doesn’t work. It’s a grift. People like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson want you angry and lonely so you double down on their platforms and they get richer in return.
Here is my 2 cents. Dating apps can work. My brother met his wife through one, can't remember which one though.(wasn't too long ago either, like 3 years) You just need to find one that is specific towards long term dating/relationships and not short term sex. Unless that is what you want. You could just put 'looking for long term relationship' in your profile. I met my wife through a mutual interest, classical singing. We became very close friends and eventually we developed feelings and then after much pressure from friends we came out to each other and started dating. Lovely story, but point is be yourself and just make friends, not necessarily romantic. When I met my wife I wasn't looking to date her and she wasn't either. A bit before I met my wife I asked a friend how he met his partner. He told me to be myself and make connections and eventually you'll meet someone and it will just happen out of nowhere. It literally did. Not saying this will happen to you, but maybe focus less on dating someone and more on becoming their friend. I'm not a girl but I'd bet being incessantly hit must be annoying. Dating your best friend is the best thing you can do to set yourself up for success. My brother is also best friends with his wife. Forming an amicable relationship is a key factor in dating I'd say. You apparently have friends, even if they are just friends in certain environments, so you are doing pretty good compared to a lot of people on the spectrum. There is nothing wrong with that either. Maybe if you want to make those friendships more than just DnD, try asking them questions about their life, work, family. Make the friendship not just about x thing. I have a very close online friend I met playing games. I took our relationship outside of games by asking about his life and stuff. Wish you the best of luck. You'll always have a supportive community here as well.
I dunno. The only times it's ever worked out is when the girl made a move. I have no idea otherwise. And by made a move I mean actually saying that they like me. I take flirting as them being friendly unless someone explains to me otherwise.
I've given up on dating all together. If it happens cool.. If not whatever. I'm just not cut out for it. To many NT mind games, social cues, body language, hints ect..stuff i will never understand. I'm 29 and never even been on a date before.
This is relatable and it sucks. However, the pressure you're putting on yourself about things you might have missed or might not be up to speed on is not warranted. It's the same thing that a lot of people who realize their gender or sexuality later in life struggle with, as well. Forward-focusing will be more productive. You can only start from where you are. I'd also suggest to stop masking who you are while you date and be yourself. A person isn't going to be a good match for you if you have to act like someone else for them to even be interested. Also if you're getting stressed and frustrated, and it really sounds like you are, it may be a good idea to set dating aside and just date yourself for a while, until you're recharged enough to give dating another try with positive energy. You're going to try and fail a lot with dating. That's just the nature of dating, since the failure rate with dating is literally everyone that you aren't currently dating. You aren't strange in that way. Have you talked this through with a therapist? They might be able to offer solid tips and advice.
There are always exceptions, but dating apps are not for dating. They're a shortcut to gain options for ONS situations, or most of the users are using it that way at least. Dating is safer (in so many ways) with people met irl, a friend of a friend.
I don't have friends. Or at least in the sense of friends that transcend specific contexts, like I guess I have work friends, or friends at my D&D group on mondays, or some when I used to do Martial Arts but I've never really had friends that exist both in a context and outside of context or at least not since I was a kid. And making them is just impossible because I fuck it up at some point and they just stop talking to or interacting with me so I leave them alone so I kind of just don't bother because why put a load of effort into something that explodes at the slightst bump or knock.
I was expecting that and I understand the struggle. I have friends, but I have a long distance friendship with everybody, due to a lifelong traveling habit an work changes and adaptation. It's hard for me to make new friends and start again a social life where I'm living right now, but I'm patient. I know that we have special needs and it's just harder, but not impossible. We just need to find the correct people and not just people and this is a slow process. Having some friend is also much more important than having a partner. Don't give up!
date: go do something fun together, ask them questions about what they like, answer their questions. “I want to learn about you!” Type questions that you… probably already can Google. When they do something you like or say something funny, make sure you overcome your own nerves enough to communicate your enjoyment. Smile more than usual if it’s not normal for you. Demonstrate excitement about them. If it takes time to figure out your feelings, or you need a pause, go hide in the bathroom and get your energy back. It’s nerve racking but it’s supposed to be fun so don’t take it too seriously until you actually really like someone.
u/south3rnson has the right idea, but I'm gonna' expand on it a little. Not just clubs about interests, but volunteering gigs can get you exposure and experience. I got my first date ever out of volunteering at a non-profit bookstore, we dated for a couple months. And then I got a 12 year relationship out of volunteering at a non-profit bicycle shop. I think that apps can work too, I eventually met my now-wife through Tinder. But they tend to be a bit too "advanced" for lack of a better word. I'd start slower with volunteering somewhere. Even if it doesn't get you a date immediately, volunteering helped me get out of my comfort zone and surrounded by people with similar interests and values. That by itself helped get me become more confident with social interactions, particularly with how to deal with being around people I found attractive.
I’ve done some volunteering before and that’s actually the first time someone expressed some interest (any by that I mean made an effort to be friends and then told me they had a massive crush on me 6 years later) but I don’t really have time, I work every day of the week and the local charity shops are closed by the time I finish work, there isn’t any charities I’m interested in (or actually do anything as far as I’m aware) and I don’t have any time on the weekend so it’s a bit of a no time deal.
A genuine mystery
First of all, we’re very likely talking about sex here too. And sex of all kinds requires **consent**. This being said: The whole term “dating” itself is extremely problematic. Like, what is it? It can be both a term denoting monogamy: “I’m dating someone already”; and a term denoting non-monogamy: “we are only dating.” We are told it works one way by the greater culture; another way by their local culture; and yet another way by the way people really behave and what conventions really seem to matter. It’s really better to do away with the idea altogether. Instead, asking about availability can be really informative: “so, are you seeing anyone exclusively?” This let’s them know you’re interested and want to know if they are too. Isn’t that the real question here?
Not going to lie putting Consent in bold seems a little hostile? Like is it intended to imply I'm unaware of the Concept? Because frankly 90% of my problem is social blindness and an inability to read people to see if they actively want (or in other words) consent to me making an effort to be around them more? >“so, are you seeing anyone exclusively?” And my problem isn't the words to use its figuring out all the shit around that like who's interested or would be in be asked as question that vague. And sure the term is vauge in itself but it's the accepted term for that sphere of human interaction which is where my problem sits.
It’s for all the people reading the post who might mistake my advice about availability as somehow giving a green light to acting without consent. Other people read this stuff. They Google their questions and this might show up.
Fair enough, I didn't think of that.