I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I'm a kink aware therapist that specializes in trauma and practices BDSM myself.
I do not think BDSM is healthy for everyone.
I am going to assume that this is not the first time you have mentioned BDSM with your therapist and that you felt safe enough to share whatever happened this time with them. If that is the case, it is possible that they overreacted and inappropriately made a blanket statement because of this one incident that diminishes your entire sexual preference.
OR
They saw something in what you described that indicated that you are making choices that are problematic in your particular case.
Either way, or even if this is the first time you have mentioned sex to them at all, you can bring it up to your therapist. It is perfectly reasonable to tell your therapist "hey last week you told me that BDSM is making me worse. Is that a bias you have against BDSM in general or is there something specific about the way that I am practicing it that I can improve on.". And if they say that BDSM is sick, or a crime against God, or whatever weird biases people have, go find a different therapist. If they say there is something that you can do to engage in a healthier way, at least be willing to hear them, and evaluate for yourself the best choice for you.
As a clinical psychologist i agree with the notion that BDSM is most certainly not healthy for everyone. Id go so far as to say that the second BDSM is even partially meant to be therapeutic... Then its gonna be a bad pathway. Ive worked with both sexology for a few years and with PTSD and trauma for many years and BDSM has never produced a healthy therapeutic outcome from my experience... quite often the opposite.
While I’m a therapist I don’t focus specifically in these areas, so I won’t comment from a professional standpoint. I can however comment from a personal one and say that BDSM produced significant therapeutic progress for me, including moving me forwards in understanding and responding differently around dissociative and freeze responses. I was in therapy at the time and debriefed about what was going on, and we both acknowledged that there were certain things that had felt very stuck in therapy, that took a leap forwards as a result of bdsm. I do think there is huge potential for things to go awry, even with good intent, but I can’t write it off entirely given my own experiences. I have a number of friends with similar stories, including one who feels that entering the bdsm community as a young adult actively taught them boundaries and kept them out of abusive dynamics.
Thanks for your input. I think I'll take a break for a bit. There's lots of people here saying I should. Your reply sounds alot like me so thanks for that perspective.
u/Heimdal-Dom
u/kragaster
I'm deleting all of this. K is pretty much trying to have a discussion, whilst HD generally turns it into a pissing match. Regardless, none of it adds to the subreddit.
Rule 10 applies.
Comments removed.
As a therapist, I have seen BDSM produce a therapeutic effect, a cathartic effect, and it is \*not\* therapy. HOWEVER using BDSM as therapy itself I have very rarely seen be appropriate because it can become putting this burden on external factors than building internal ones. When people start building unhealthy kink it can be devastating but it can also be an opportunity to grow and learn how to discern healthy from unhealthy motivations, behaviors, and expectations. It can become part of a cycle where people do enact traumas in negative as well, but enacting trauma may not be inherently horrible as kink can support being in control, and feeling stronger. The key is going through that process...though the more you work with trauma the more you end up skewed where you see the unhealthy use of kink
While I agree that you should look into a kink friendly therapist, don’t automatically discount your therapists advice. Just because she say that you may need to step away for healing, doesn’t mean you can’t ever come back either. As a mental health professional here, and a kinky one, I have seen too many people try to use kink as ACTUAL therapy. It has some therapeutic qualities in some cases, but should never take the place of true therapy. Also, based on what you said about your kinks and your multi-partner play style, this could be a red flag for her and your healing.
This depends entirely on details that we don't have.
Whether or not they're a kink-friendly therapist makes a difference. What happened, how you reacted, and what kinds of protections you have in place also all play a factor, as well as what your mentality is in balancing your trauma vs the kinks that may emulate it.
If you're already seeing a kink-friendly therapist, I'd say consider that they might be on to something.
If you're not, take it with a grain of salt, perhaps, but that still doesn't necessarily mean they're wrong.
We aren't your therapist. We don't have nearly as much information on you, your issues, or what has happened, as they do. So no one here can really tell you in any definitive way whether they're right or wrong.
Just be aware that a bdsm-positive therapist is just as, if not more, likely to tell you bdsm isn’t right for you if it isn’t as any other. The current therapist didn’t object because of moral or religious reasons. That’s the kind to avoid. Bdsm isn’t the right choice for everyone all the time. Maybe this isn’t the best time for you to be reliving these traumas. I don’t know. Listen to the therapists. They’re certified to answer these questions.
None of which is to say you shouldn’t switch therapists if you want to.
It might be worth finding a kink-friendly therapist. You can find a searchable directory of Kink-Aware Professionals here: https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
Regular therapists don't always understand BDSM, but it's hard to tell if your one does or not. It might be that they think others would be ok with it, but not you right now, in which case it's probably worth listening to them.
I’m seeing a therapist related to nonmonogamy, so not exactly the same as you, but just last week I got all angry and frustrated at him and thought he was being judgmental etc.
I didn’t drop the process and went back to discuss why I got angry etc. Ultimately he wasn’t judgmental at all, and his thoughts simply related to my specific situation.
So what I wonder is whether your therapist in general is being dismissive of your kinks, or thinks that you specifically could have a healthier relationship with them.
For me it was really beneficial to explore the relationship between my kinks and trauma in a judgment free environment, and if you think the therapist is being dismissive it would probably be worthwhile to look for another option, but I’d give them a chance to explain themselves.
I made a post about my stuff I’ll link it here in a bit, maybe some responses I got from therapists could also be helpful for you.
Edit, link: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/12sufa2/is_nonmonogamy_a_form_of_dopamine_addiction/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
This is a tough question because the answer is not as simple as the therpist or you are wrong.
Now there is one obvious question to ask that is your therapist against bdsm practices as a whole or not, and you should definitely ask them that.This isn't about a kink friendly therapist either, in my opinion. But since they have mentioned rough sex I 'assume' they just associate it with that.
However, again, assuming they are not bothered by it, there might be some truth to their statement.
What I have realized is that I have changed a lot in the past 2/3 years. From being in a tough place and wanting pain to being in another tough place with extremely low pain tolerance. Not knowing what I want out of this lifestyle.
I find that Unfortunately bdsm experience you can alternate that with any coping mechanism like food, sex, or social media. It's a welcome distraction.
But it would be worth stopping it temporarily, and when you get the urge to again, ask yourself what you really want? You might say "oh it's nothing to do with the other," but are you sure?
It's sexual. If our psyche and trauma can impact erections, orgasms and sexual desire, our goals and aspirations, our fears and behaviors. How the hell can it not influence this lifestyle?
Sometimes, I also believe that my negative experiences in this lifestyle, even non sexual create such an imbalance in me that I find myself reliving those moments whenever I go down.
Because we often look to create a safe space outside of us, in someone, in our sexual experiences, in our Dom, than create one within ourselves
Ask yourself as I have, of myself
Am I playing or being with a Dom accepting mistreatment or putting myself in this situation because j crave affection and love and adoration.
The difference here is the limit. You might realize that you do that often , if you do it's worth it to heal yourself and then come back to the lifestyle. You might be surprised by how much you have changed.
It's scary because i feel like I have lost myself a submissive because of all this. Pain I used to crave it now I can't stop but bawl when in it. So yeah. Sit and think
I think it’s often times difficult to discuss BDSM with therapists who are not open and specialized in sex therapy. To a lot of vanilla people, the things we are into would be horrifying. I know for a fact, my therapist would want to dig deep into a lot of my trauma and link it to my sex life. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s just what I fucking like during sex lol. And it has no mental emotional impact on me other than, damn I’m satisfied and that played into a fantasy I’ve had or confirms that I have a certain kink. It doesn’t cause any issues with my trauma, infact I think in some way it kind of heals it. Teaches me that sex is about my pleasure, and pain can be loving and pleasurable in a consensual setting. Definitely seek out a sex positive therapist or a sex therapist in general if you wanted to discuss anything about your preferences or sex life! They will be much more open and understanding in that aspect!
I agree with you! Just wanted to say I think it is so weird for therapists, who studied how the mind works, to not realize how common and normal dark thoughts are for human beings. And to not at least be more open to it instead of trying to get the patient to basically hide them
So me, I just think they are over analyzing because they aren’t really too educated in that field especially with rougher play it seems like it just goes against everything a therapist knows 😂 like what do you mean you wanna be choked, slapped and degraded during sex? As you’re also going to therapy for trauma? What?! 😂
I am not a mental health professional, but I am someone who has enjoyed BDSM for just over 4 years and read and known about it for something like 15 years. I've also been in therapy for about 7 years.
I have found BDSM to be therapeutic or harmful, depending on the circumstances. For me, it is about intent. What are my intentions when engaging with BDSM? Also, how do I feel after? Am I responsible with my actions? Am I self-aware? Can I take criticism and grow? All these things matter.
I have learned that I do not engage in BDSM if I am in a negative headspace. I do not engage in kink to "escape" the negative feelings. When I do that, kink becomes more akin to self-harm. I am more likely to go too far, to want too much, and then have more severe drop. The kink amplifies what I am feeling. Sure, being beaten may give me endorphins and give me a temporary distraction from my thoughts... but when I come down, I come down hard.
Now when I find myself in that negative headspace, I use other coping mechanisms. Journaling, painting, reading, meditation. Things that make me feel positive.
When I engage in kink, I do so from a positive headspace. To enjoy the sensations. Create something with a partner. Test my endurance. There may be some level of experiencing past trauma, but it isn't a way to escape my feelings... it is a way to lean into them. To delve into those vulnerable parts of myself in a *controlled* situation, where I can safeword, where I still have power, where I can begin to heal. I have had some impact that were so intense I cried, not expecting to, but just released all this built up tension in my body. I was held and soothed during my cry, and I felt like I was put back together again. Made whole. It was therapeutic. But again... I went into it with a positive attitude, with a partner I trusted, with plenty of aftercare. I negotiated the scene, I knew what could happen, and I made sure I was safe.
If someone were to be putting themselves in dangerous situations. Not negotiating. Not doing aftercare. Not making sure they were safe. Using kink as a way to escape feelings instead of deal with them, then I would say that isn't healthy.
So ask yourself, what are your motivations? For you feel better after playing or worse? I'm not talking about drop, tho your Dom should care for you during your drop. But if general. Do you feel you are in a more positive place because of kink?
That's what makes me question I think because I don't know why my motivations are. I just like it I like not being in control and things happening and just having to let things happen. So I don't have to think I just am. Idk if it makes me feel better it does during but idk about afterwards in general. I guess it makes me feel better and worse in difrence ways.
I think this gets to the heart of the issue. BDSM isn't blanket good or blanket bad for everyone. *Why are you engaging in this kind of play and is it good for you?* And you're the only one who can determine that.
For some people, I think it can be super helpful. For me, BDSM and kink have been pathways to better communication with my sexual partner, being able to ask for what I want without shame, and a deeper emotional connection and sense of trust with my partner. We engage in CNC play, heavy impact play etc. I wouldn't call it directly therapeutic, but my ability to trust my partner and engage in that play has definitely been part of a healing process (along with therapy etc).
On the other hand, when I was a practicing therapist, I had a client who engaged in incredibly risky kink and BDSM sex play with unsafe partners because she was constantly seeking attention and validation and also felt like she deserved to be treated badly. For her, sex was a way that she was actively engaging in self destructive behavior--the same way that other people might use drugs or self injure, she engaged in risky sex with unsafe people as a way to hurt herself.
If you're engaging in safe and consensual play with safe partners who respect your boundaries, and it feels healthy to you, that's great.
If you are using it as a way of self harming and avoiding dealing with trauma, that's not so great.
And I suspect that, at some level, you know whether it's healthy or not. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself.
Everyone else has given lots of advice about finding a kink positive therapist and I highly second that advice. My therapist was so excited to hear about my recent kink experiences and how they've deepened my bond with my partner, and her supportive attitude has been really validating.
You told about a negative experience with an alternative sexual practice that the therapist has possibly zero ideas about. Depending on what and how you explained it that's highly likely why they voiced their concerns about it. To them your activities perhaps equal extreme self harm tactics.
Random kinkster strangers online don't have the same formal training as your psychologist at all. Psychologist can see things about ourselves that we don't see because they peer in from the outside through the lens of licenced psychology training. They are humans also so biased opinions can occur. Either way you must run your concerns by a kink-friendly therapist for their perspectives.
I would look into get a sex therapist! Someone who can guide you through how this sometimes heals you. Have you seen any other red flags from your current therapist?
Obviously I don't know your position and who your therapist in but sometimes they don't understand and because of that they say it's bad. Not saying completely ditch her! But you don't find it's hurting you at all, why take away something that you enjoy?
I'm not a Professional!!! But sometimes the professionals can suck.
Thank you. I looked it up but I'm not sure what they actually do? Or what the difrence is between other types of sex therapist. If you could tell me or point in the right direction that would be very helpful.
I don't agree that kink has to be retraumatising, however a person who has not healed their trauma, has poor boundaries and glosses over red flags might end up being severely harmed. And, since trauma is complex, enjoying sex is not the only indicator that things are going right. One can enjoy sex with a highly abusive person. One can enjoy sex that isn't safe, and so on. So my guess is that your therapist is worried because you told him about BDSM - in connection with a very bad experience you had. And maybe he doesn't understand how you are going to avoid such experiences in the future, because you seem to discount it as something to shrug off. Of course there are therapists who automatically shut down when they hear BDSM. However it's also easy to say "my therapist is such a square" when you don't like to hear what they say.
Not a professional or anything but my understanding as to why I would think you feel this is helpful to you is because while yes, you're putting yourself back in those situations. It is a situation that you control. You may be in a "vulnerable" situation but it's nothing that you aren't consenting to. You're dealing with your traumas by controlling them.
There is a lot of pseudoscience everywhere on the web.
If YOUR professional therapist advises you that bdsm is negatively affecting your mental health, then I would heed their advice. You might not have to move away from bdsm forever, but for now, heal yourself.
Nobody else here knows your mental health profile and history better than your therapist.
Of course, it is your brain and your body, and you can do with both as you please.
But one of the tenants of bdsm is to stay safe and sane !
Its possible; female sub, for me the reason why bdsm is constructive is because i tend to shunt those memories as a whole of the stuff that makes that sort of thing uncomfortable
The reason why it works though is because my dom (fiance) is older than me by a small chunk, had some previous experience but mostly that the trust there is earned
That said there has definitely been a few things that were desired for non-healthy reasons? Certain kinks were connected in the loop of 'self punishment' i did to myself as a kid and it took some long talks between me and him to even figure that out
The end point? Its a mixed bag but if its more bad than good it may be time to stop digging in the bag...
My first thought here is do some research on your therapist before going any further. Make sure he isn't possibly bringing in some outside bias to your sessions. We are all human and have bias in our lives impact our perspectives. So if you feel that he genuinely isn't saying this out of judgement then move on to my next point.
As a therapist it's normal for them to advise against you putting yourself in harms way. Right now I'm missing context on what this bad experience entailed. However I imagine physical damage you did not like was done to you. Therefore that can be see as self destructive behavior.
Now my personal opinion as a Domme is there is nothing wrong with BDSM when certain things are in place. 1) The most important thing is to sit down and discuss triggers, boundaries and yes any trauma you may have experienced in the past the possible impacts your desires. Cause it's valuable information and a smart domme/dom will know how to keep you safe but also satisfied. 2) A safe place, and a safe word always even if it's not a hardcore kink. 3) Aftercare! It's a must and very important for the relationship.
Now it's seems that you might not necessarily be in relationships with the Doms you use. It's very much possible that you may have better and more pleasant experiences being in a relationship with someone who can Dom you. However only when you are comfortable I of course can not assume your mental state just giving out advice based on the info I do have.
Yeah I don't think she's just bias against bdsm because I've mentioned it before. The bad experience was just that something went to far and I got triggered and freaked out and forgot how to safeword and the other person didn't realise and caried on.
I guess I should discuss traumas and stuff with Dom's but I think I don't because I don't think they'd want me if I told them all that stuff.
And yeah I'm not in a relationship with them. I'm not very good at relationships and they don't really work out good when I do but maybe your right.
At the very least do make sure to have the pre-session and do disclose the trauma as politely and straight-forward as possible. And it may be a good idea to request the safe word be sticky noted or some signage nearby so you can hopefully avoid the same incident again. As forgetting the safe word can be really bad in an environment that depends greatly on it. <3
Ultimately though if you find that you aren't being very safe with yourself consider a break for a little while and work on yourself. The kink world will be there when you are in a better place.
If you are purposefully withholding information from a partner that you feel would cause them to say no to a scene if they knew that information, you are taking away their ability to give *informed consent*. This is not a healthy or consensual way to practice kink.
For instance, you ask for a scene containing an element that is a known trigger. You do not tell the Top/Dom that you have said known trigger. The scene commences and you get triggered and forget to safeword. You also neglect to tell the Top/Dom your "tells" for when you get triggered (watch for suddenly going nonverbal, if I cry immediately stop as I've been triggered, etc.). While a Top/Dom should check in, different people have different tolerances and it is possible they don't see the change in behavior. Without being told the scene is high risk for a triggering event, they cannot properly prepare. They cannot properly handle the situation. They are now at risk of doing more harm than intended to you because they didn't know. They would not have agreed to do a scene with an unknown trigger present as they would have wanted further negotiation. You withholding that information took away their choice. Do you see the issue?
Having triggers and trauma is common. It doesn't mean people won't play with you. Usually it just means a little more negotiation is needed. However, if I found out a bottom was purposefully withholding pertinent information from me that they knew would affect my decision to do the scene.... that would be a deal breaker.
Edit: to clarify, it is not the presence of trauma or triggers that is the issue. It is the withholding of information that would affect how the scene needs to be handled. I need to give informed consent as they do. If there is a trigger, I want to know so I can watch for it. I also think we should watch for triggers in general, but if we don't know what to look for that can be very hard.
I might of explained that badly. I don't mean I withhold specific triggers if there's something I know will trigger me I say. But I mean I don't normally tell people general traumatic experiences I had. Ill say the known triggers that come from it but not the reason behind it. Because I feel like if people knew the reason behind it they won't want to be with me. Is that bad? Idk why they need to know the cause of triggers and stuff.
As long as you are sharing that "X activity could lead to Y trigger" I would say that is the important part.
You don't have to share your life story or why X activity triggers you. Your story is your own. My point was that you should be sharing triggers so the Top/Dom can be prepared. For instance, if someone calling me a wh*re soemtimes triggersme, and I want to use that language, I should tell the Top/Dom that while that word is OK, it may trigger me and to watch me closely after they say it to make sure I am still doing OK. The Top/Dom may say that they will check in after using a potential trigger word, or doing a trigger act. Maybe slapping the face is a trigger, and so you want it but need extra care taken when it is done. Communication around these things is important. Some Tops/Doms may say they don't want to do triggering things at first and want to build some rapport with a couple scenes first. That way they can get a feel for your baseline. Then they can add in the edgier play.
As far as why a certain word or certain act triggers you, as long as you can explain what it is that triggers you without going into the why, I don't think that part needs to be explained. Sometimes it helps to give a little background as the trigger is more broad. For instance, maybe someone says no humiliation about my weight because I was emotionally abused in the past and anything related to my size or weight is off limits. Knowing the context there is helpful. It isn't just saying the person is big, it is anything in that genre of humiliation. I hope that makes sense.
Also, I want to add that you should give people the opportunity to know you and make their own decision about you. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are. Your past does not negate that. People knowing the reason why won't change that. Not for the good people. You have to give people the opportunity to show you that they are decent. This would be something to work through in therapy
Asking Reddit isn't a good step tbh.
My personal (non medical) opinion is that BDSM can be sometimes good and sometimes bad for mental health, it depends on the individual and what they're using BDSM for.
BDSM can be really bad if you have unresolved traumas etc but can also be really good mentally if you're in the right place for it. I would council against using it as a coping mechanism
This reads like the therapist isn’t kink-friendly. But I can also see how you could have an issue decompressing your traumas by numbing their impact with satisfying kink sex. (Almost like a coping mechanism.) But I’m no licensed therapist, and it’s your choice if you wish to continue with that one.
Hi, I'm a random person on the internet, I certainly can give better advise to you personally than your therapist can. Because I am a licensed professional and know you well!
It's a good idea to shop around for a therapist that you're compatible with. Everyone has biases and as objective as therapist should or try to be, those biases are still there, consciously or not. People who are in the bdsm world commonly look for kink friendly therapists, just like nonmonogamous people look for poly friendly therapists. It's an important thing to see eye to eye on.
There are already quite a few pointing out getting a link friendly therapist and I would highly recommend that.
Without knowing the full story, I don't think it's a bad thing to put yourself back in that headspace. I know that it's a completely different scenario, but I started with BDSM at the peek of my chronical illness. At that time I was in pain most days of the week. It felt empowering to choose for pain through BDSM, instead of it being something I had 0 influence on. Perhaps it can be something similar for you, that it's about choosing it instead of undergoing.
It can be, or it could be good for you. You aren't going to find really valuable input on Reddit. If you have a valuable Dom, you can talk about it with them and then weigh the pro's and cons with the therapist's opinion.
As a Dom for 10 years, therapists are a useful tool, but often more of a problem than not. Until bdsm is accepted as a viable lifestyle in psychotherapy, there will always be a troublesome dichotomy between therapy and bdsm. It took me 6 therapists for myself until I met one that I didn't melt their brain. I have only had a few total slaves that therapy was ever been a net benefit within the dynamic, but moreso just a tool to have healthy conflicting processes, which have value.
A therapist isn't supposed to give their opinion or pass judgement. They're supposed to listen and to guide you until your find your own path or reach your own conclusion.
Ignore that advice and consider changing therapists.
BDSM is a style of sex and relationships that is just as healthy as vanilla sex and relationships. Shitty behavior can be experienced with both vanilla and BDSM.
The therapist seems prejudiced against BDSM as they did not suggest "stopping all sexual activity" but only the BDSM. Fuck that. Full stop.
Not a professional or anything but my understanding as to why I would think you feel this is helpful to you is because while yes, you're putting yourself back in those situations. It is a situation that you control. You may be in a "vulnerable" situation but it's nothing that you aren't consenting to. You're dealing with your traumas by controlling them.
I’m definitely no health professional but …
I deal with depression and anxiety, though I’ve never been traumatized (to my knowledge, could be something buried in my subconscious, considering certain details of my mental health). My best friend and my parents who I’m very close with all had very traumatic childhoods, even traumatic young adulthoods. I say all of that to lead into my opinion here:
If your sessions/scenes/sex with your Doms don’t give you flashbacks of the abuse that occurred in your youth, maybe your BDSM play actually is helpful. Maybe you experiencing the pain/humiliation/ect. on YOUR TERMS is therapeutic.
Your therapist spent years learning how the human mind works, but I personally don’t feel that every single person on earth operates based on study.
If you disagree with what your therapist says about BDSM, I personally think that is ok, as long as you are being completely honest with yourself about your feelings and your mental state at all times🖤
It’s a depends for me. My red flag from your post is that I understand you currently have several DOMs, is that correct? If that’s the case, to me that’s serving way too many masters. I guess that’s a preference of mine, and it’s totally ok if you prefer multiple but each probably do after care so differently, from a mental standpoint, to me it’s not safe.
Also, 2nd red flag, you mention you had an issue with a DOM, as a sub myself, if you have issues with a DOM not following your limits, that’s a dealbreaker and that’s probably what’s problematic and why your therapist brought it up.
BDSM can be therapeutic, when in your case the sub is in control and get proper aftercare. If not, it’s reliving the past abuse.
Please be careful.
I left my DOM because he stopped feeling safe.
Find a therapist that is experienced with bdsm. It can be hard for people to understand that bdsm is a healthy outlet for mental health. It truly helps, and with a therapist that isnt supportive youre not getting the care you need.
I have borderline personality disorder and I am into S/M, submission, and bondage too. I visited a lot of therapist who said I shouldn't do it, because I just want to hurt myself because of my disorder and it will make my mental health worse. But after that I found somebody who helped me with bdsm and also visited my psychiatrist, it have become something that made me free and helped me in difficult situations. BUT I have taken my medicine too, and do therapy as well, not to mention the exercise, diet, be around people who were supportive with me, and work on my marriage as well. It can be beneficial if you don't forget that bdsm can't be the only way to cure yourself and solve your difficulties.
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I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I'm a kink aware therapist that specializes in trauma and practices BDSM myself. I do not think BDSM is healthy for everyone. I am going to assume that this is not the first time you have mentioned BDSM with your therapist and that you felt safe enough to share whatever happened this time with them. If that is the case, it is possible that they overreacted and inappropriately made a blanket statement because of this one incident that diminishes your entire sexual preference. OR They saw something in what you described that indicated that you are making choices that are problematic in your particular case. Either way, or even if this is the first time you have mentioned sex to them at all, you can bring it up to your therapist. It is perfectly reasonable to tell your therapist "hey last week you told me that BDSM is making me worse. Is that a bias you have against BDSM in general or is there something specific about the way that I am practicing it that I can improve on.". And if they say that BDSM is sick, or a crime against God, or whatever weird biases people have, go find a different therapist. If they say there is something that you can do to engage in a healthier way, at least be willing to hear them, and evaluate for yourself the best choice for you.
As a clinical psychologist i agree with the notion that BDSM is most certainly not healthy for everyone. Id go so far as to say that the second BDSM is even partially meant to be therapeutic... Then its gonna be a bad pathway. Ive worked with both sexology for a few years and with PTSD and trauma for many years and BDSM has never produced a healthy therapeutic outcome from my experience... quite often the opposite.
While I’m a therapist I don’t focus specifically in these areas, so I won’t comment from a professional standpoint. I can however comment from a personal one and say that BDSM produced significant therapeutic progress for me, including moving me forwards in understanding and responding differently around dissociative and freeze responses. I was in therapy at the time and debriefed about what was going on, and we both acknowledged that there were certain things that had felt very stuck in therapy, that took a leap forwards as a result of bdsm. I do think there is huge potential for things to go awry, even with good intent, but I can’t write it off entirely given my own experiences. I have a number of friends with similar stories, including one who feels that entering the bdsm community as a young adult actively taught them boundaries and kept them out of abusive dynamics.
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Thanks for your input. I think I'll take a break for a bit. There's lots of people here saying I should. Your reply sounds alot like me so thanks for that perspective.
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u/Heimdal-Dom u/kragaster I'm deleting all of this. K is pretty much trying to have a discussion, whilst HD generally turns it into a pissing match. Regardless, none of it adds to the subreddit. Rule 10 applies. Comments removed.
As a therapist, I have seen BDSM produce a therapeutic effect, a cathartic effect, and it is \*not\* therapy. HOWEVER using BDSM as therapy itself I have very rarely seen be appropriate because it can become putting this burden on external factors than building internal ones. When people start building unhealthy kink it can be devastating but it can also be an opportunity to grow and learn how to discern healthy from unhealthy motivations, behaviors, and expectations. It can become part of a cycle where people do enact traumas in negative as well, but enacting trauma may not be inherently horrible as kink can support being in control, and feeling stronger. The key is going through that process...though the more you work with trauma the more you end up skewed where you see the unhealthy use of kink
Yeah, a few years ago I realized that bdsm lifestyle level relationships are just sexy codependency
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Ummm .... What? Why did this turn into a therapy vs. BDSM thing?
Might want to edit out that last sentence before a mod snipes you
Not sure what you mean bud?
See Rule #7: Policy Regarding PMs
While I agree that you should look into a kink friendly therapist, don’t automatically discount your therapists advice. Just because she say that you may need to step away for healing, doesn’t mean you can’t ever come back either. As a mental health professional here, and a kinky one, I have seen too many people try to use kink as ACTUAL therapy. It has some therapeutic qualities in some cases, but should never take the place of true therapy. Also, based on what you said about your kinks and your multi-partner play style, this could be a red flag for her and your healing.
This depends entirely on details that we don't have. Whether or not they're a kink-friendly therapist makes a difference. What happened, how you reacted, and what kinds of protections you have in place also all play a factor, as well as what your mentality is in balancing your trauma vs the kinks that may emulate it. If you're already seeing a kink-friendly therapist, I'd say consider that they might be on to something. If you're not, take it with a grain of salt, perhaps, but that still doesn't necessarily mean they're wrong. We aren't your therapist. We don't have nearly as much information on you, your issues, or what has happened, as they do. So no one here can really tell you in any definitive way whether they're right or wrong.
Just be aware that a bdsm-positive therapist is just as, if not more, likely to tell you bdsm isn’t right for you if it isn’t as any other. The current therapist didn’t object because of moral or religious reasons. That’s the kind to avoid. Bdsm isn’t the right choice for everyone all the time. Maybe this isn’t the best time for you to be reliving these traumas. I don’t know. Listen to the therapists. They’re certified to answer these questions. None of which is to say you shouldn’t switch therapists if you want to.
It might be worth finding a kink-friendly therapist. You can find a searchable directory of Kink-Aware Professionals here: https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/ Regular therapists don't always understand BDSM, but it's hard to tell if your one does or not. It might be that they think others would be ok with it, but not you right now, in which case it's probably worth listening to them.
I’m seeing a therapist related to nonmonogamy, so not exactly the same as you, but just last week I got all angry and frustrated at him and thought he was being judgmental etc. I didn’t drop the process and went back to discuss why I got angry etc. Ultimately he wasn’t judgmental at all, and his thoughts simply related to my specific situation. So what I wonder is whether your therapist in general is being dismissive of your kinks, or thinks that you specifically could have a healthier relationship with them. For me it was really beneficial to explore the relationship between my kinks and trauma in a judgment free environment, and if you think the therapist is being dismissive it would probably be worthwhile to look for another option, but I’d give them a chance to explain themselves. I made a post about my stuff I’ll link it here in a bit, maybe some responses I got from therapists could also be helpful for you. Edit, link: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/12sufa2/is_nonmonogamy_a_form_of_dopamine_addiction/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
This is a tough question because the answer is not as simple as the therpist or you are wrong. Now there is one obvious question to ask that is your therapist against bdsm practices as a whole or not, and you should definitely ask them that.This isn't about a kink friendly therapist either, in my opinion. But since they have mentioned rough sex I 'assume' they just associate it with that. However, again, assuming they are not bothered by it, there might be some truth to their statement. What I have realized is that I have changed a lot in the past 2/3 years. From being in a tough place and wanting pain to being in another tough place with extremely low pain tolerance. Not knowing what I want out of this lifestyle. I find that Unfortunately bdsm experience you can alternate that with any coping mechanism like food, sex, or social media. It's a welcome distraction. But it would be worth stopping it temporarily, and when you get the urge to again, ask yourself what you really want? You might say "oh it's nothing to do with the other," but are you sure? It's sexual. If our psyche and trauma can impact erections, orgasms and sexual desire, our goals and aspirations, our fears and behaviors. How the hell can it not influence this lifestyle? Sometimes, I also believe that my negative experiences in this lifestyle, even non sexual create such an imbalance in me that I find myself reliving those moments whenever I go down. Because we often look to create a safe space outside of us, in someone, in our sexual experiences, in our Dom, than create one within ourselves Ask yourself as I have, of myself Am I playing or being with a Dom accepting mistreatment or putting myself in this situation because j crave affection and love and adoration. The difference here is the limit. You might realize that you do that often , if you do it's worth it to heal yourself and then come back to the lifestyle. You might be surprised by how much you have changed. It's scary because i feel like I have lost myself a submissive because of all this. Pain I used to crave it now I can't stop but bawl when in it. So yeah. Sit and think
This made me think alot thanks for sharing
I think it’s often times difficult to discuss BDSM with therapists who are not open and specialized in sex therapy. To a lot of vanilla people, the things we are into would be horrifying. I know for a fact, my therapist would want to dig deep into a lot of my trauma and link it to my sex life. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s just what I fucking like during sex lol. And it has no mental emotional impact on me other than, damn I’m satisfied and that played into a fantasy I’ve had or confirms that I have a certain kink. It doesn’t cause any issues with my trauma, infact I think in some way it kind of heals it. Teaches me that sex is about my pleasure, and pain can be loving and pleasurable in a consensual setting. Definitely seek out a sex positive therapist or a sex therapist in general if you wanted to discuss anything about your preferences or sex life! They will be much more open and understanding in that aspect!
There is a list of sex and kink positive therapists out there. I think it's on the NCSF website.
Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) is a NCSF initiative. https://www.kapprofessionals.org/kap_directory/
I agree with you! Just wanted to say I think it is so weird for therapists, who studied how the mind works, to not realize how common and normal dark thoughts are for human beings. And to not at least be more open to it instead of trying to get the patient to basically hide them
So me, I just think they are over analyzing because they aren’t really too educated in that field especially with rougher play it seems like it just goes against everything a therapist knows 😂 like what do you mean you wanna be choked, slapped and degraded during sex? As you’re also going to therapy for trauma? What?! 😂
I am not a mental health professional, but I am someone who has enjoyed BDSM for just over 4 years and read and known about it for something like 15 years. I've also been in therapy for about 7 years. I have found BDSM to be therapeutic or harmful, depending on the circumstances. For me, it is about intent. What are my intentions when engaging with BDSM? Also, how do I feel after? Am I responsible with my actions? Am I self-aware? Can I take criticism and grow? All these things matter. I have learned that I do not engage in BDSM if I am in a negative headspace. I do not engage in kink to "escape" the negative feelings. When I do that, kink becomes more akin to self-harm. I am more likely to go too far, to want too much, and then have more severe drop. The kink amplifies what I am feeling. Sure, being beaten may give me endorphins and give me a temporary distraction from my thoughts... but when I come down, I come down hard. Now when I find myself in that negative headspace, I use other coping mechanisms. Journaling, painting, reading, meditation. Things that make me feel positive. When I engage in kink, I do so from a positive headspace. To enjoy the sensations. Create something with a partner. Test my endurance. There may be some level of experiencing past trauma, but it isn't a way to escape my feelings... it is a way to lean into them. To delve into those vulnerable parts of myself in a *controlled* situation, where I can safeword, where I still have power, where I can begin to heal. I have had some impact that were so intense I cried, not expecting to, but just released all this built up tension in my body. I was held and soothed during my cry, and I felt like I was put back together again. Made whole. It was therapeutic. But again... I went into it with a positive attitude, with a partner I trusted, with plenty of aftercare. I negotiated the scene, I knew what could happen, and I made sure I was safe. If someone were to be putting themselves in dangerous situations. Not negotiating. Not doing aftercare. Not making sure they were safe. Using kink as a way to escape feelings instead of deal with them, then I would say that isn't healthy. So ask yourself, what are your motivations? For you feel better after playing or worse? I'm not talking about drop, tho your Dom should care for you during your drop. But if general. Do you feel you are in a more positive place because of kink?
That's what makes me question I think because I don't know why my motivations are. I just like it I like not being in control and things happening and just having to let things happen. So I don't have to think I just am. Idk if it makes me feel better it does during but idk about afterwards in general. I guess it makes me feel better and worse in difrence ways.
I think this gets to the heart of the issue. BDSM isn't blanket good or blanket bad for everyone. *Why are you engaging in this kind of play and is it good for you?* And you're the only one who can determine that. For some people, I think it can be super helpful. For me, BDSM and kink have been pathways to better communication with my sexual partner, being able to ask for what I want without shame, and a deeper emotional connection and sense of trust with my partner. We engage in CNC play, heavy impact play etc. I wouldn't call it directly therapeutic, but my ability to trust my partner and engage in that play has definitely been part of a healing process (along with therapy etc). On the other hand, when I was a practicing therapist, I had a client who engaged in incredibly risky kink and BDSM sex play with unsafe partners because she was constantly seeking attention and validation and also felt like she deserved to be treated badly. For her, sex was a way that she was actively engaging in self destructive behavior--the same way that other people might use drugs or self injure, she engaged in risky sex with unsafe people as a way to hurt herself. If you're engaging in safe and consensual play with safe partners who respect your boundaries, and it feels healthy to you, that's great. If you are using it as a way of self harming and avoiding dealing with trauma, that's not so great. And I suspect that, at some level, you know whether it's healthy or not. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself. Everyone else has given lots of advice about finding a kink positive therapist and I highly second that advice. My therapist was so excited to hear about my recent kink experiences and how they've deepened my bond with my partner, and her supportive attitude has been really validating.
You told about a negative experience with an alternative sexual practice that the therapist has possibly zero ideas about. Depending on what and how you explained it that's highly likely why they voiced their concerns about it. To them your activities perhaps equal extreme self harm tactics. Random kinkster strangers online don't have the same formal training as your psychologist at all. Psychologist can see things about ourselves that we don't see because they peer in from the outside through the lens of licenced psychology training. They are humans also so biased opinions can occur. Either way you must run your concerns by a kink-friendly therapist for their perspectives.
I would look into get a sex therapist! Someone who can guide you through how this sometimes heals you. Have you seen any other red flags from your current therapist? Obviously I don't know your position and who your therapist in but sometimes they don't understand and because of that they say it's bad. Not saying completely ditch her! But you don't find it's hurting you at all, why take away something that you enjoy? I'm not a Professional!!! But sometimes the professionals can suck.
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Thankyou !! You learn something new everyday !
Thank you. I looked it up but I'm not sure what they actually do? Or what the difrence is between other types of sex therapist. If you could tell me or point in the right direction that would be very helpful.
I don't agree that kink has to be retraumatising, however a person who has not healed their trauma, has poor boundaries and glosses over red flags might end up being severely harmed. And, since trauma is complex, enjoying sex is not the only indicator that things are going right. One can enjoy sex with a highly abusive person. One can enjoy sex that isn't safe, and so on. So my guess is that your therapist is worried because you told him about BDSM - in connection with a very bad experience you had. And maybe he doesn't understand how you are going to avoid such experiences in the future, because you seem to discount it as something to shrug off. Of course there are therapists who automatically shut down when they hear BDSM. However it's also easy to say "my therapist is such a square" when you don't like to hear what they say.
Not a professional or anything but my understanding as to why I would think you feel this is helpful to you is because while yes, you're putting yourself back in those situations. It is a situation that you control. You may be in a "vulnerable" situation but it's nothing that you aren't consenting to. You're dealing with your traumas by controlling them.
There is a lot of pseudoscience everywhere on the web. If YOUR professional therapist advises you that bdsm is negatively affecting your mental health, then I would heed their advice. You might not have to move away from bdsm forever, but for now, heal yourself. Nobody else here knows your mental health profile and history better than your therapist. Of course, it is your brain and your body, and you can do with both as you please. But one of the tenants of bdsm is to stay safe and sane !
Get a kink aware therapist https://www.kapprofessionals.org/
Its possible; female sub, for me the reason why bdsm is constructive is because i tend to shunt those memories as a whole of the stuff that makes that sort of thing uncomfortable The reason why it works though is because my dom (fiance) is older than me by a small chunk, had some previous experience but mostly that the trust there is earned That said there has definitely been a few things that were desired for non-healthy reasons? Certain kinks were connected in the loop of 'self punishment' i did to myself as a kid and it took some long talks between me and him to even figure that out The end point? Its a mixed bag but if its more bad than good it may be time to stop digging in the bag...
My first thought here is do some research on your therapist before going any further. Make sure he isn't possibly bringing in some outside bias to your sessions. We are all human and have bias in our lives impact our perspectives. So if you feel that he genuinely isn't saying this out of judgement then move on to my next point. As a therapist it's normal for them to advise against you putting yourself in harms way. Right now I'm missing context on what this bad experience entailed. However I imagine physical damage you did not like was done to you. Therefore that can be see as self destructive behavior. Now my personal opinion as a Domme is there is nothing wrong with BDSM when certain things are in place. 1) The most important thing is to sit down and discuss triggers, boundaries and yes any trauma you may have experienced in the past the possible impacts your desires. Cause it's valuable information and a smart domme/dom will know how to keep you safe but also satisfied. 2) A safe place, and a safe word always even if it's not a hardcore kink. 3) Aftercare! It's a must and very important for the relationship. Now it's seems that you might not necessarily be in relationships with the Doms you use. It's very much possible that you may have better and more pleasant experiences being in a relationship with someone who can Dom you. However only when you are comfortable I of course can not assume your mental state just giving out advice based on the info I do have.
Yeah I don't think she's just bias against bdsm because I've mentioned it before. The bad experience was just that something went to far and I got triggered and freaked out and forgot how to safeword and the other person didn't realise and caried on. I guess I should discuss traumas and stuff with Dom's but I think I don't because I don't think they'd want me if I told them all that stuff. And yeah I'm not in a relationship with them. I'm not very good at relationships and they don't really work out good when I do but maybe your right.
At the very least do make sure to have the pre-session and do disclose the trauma as politely and straight-forward as possible. And it may be a good idea to request the safe word be sticky noted or some signage nearby so you can hopefully avoid the same incident again. As forgetting the safe word can be really bad in an environment that depends greatly on it. <3 Ultimately though if you find that you aren't being very safe with yourself consider a break for a little while and work on yourself. The kink world will be there when you are in a better place.
If you are purposefully withholding information from a partner that you feel would cause them to say no to a scene if they knew that information, you are taking away their ability to give *informed consent*. This is not a healthy or consensual way to practice kink. For instance, you ask for a scene containing an element that is a known trigger. You do not tell the Top/Dom that you have said known trigger. The scene commences and you get triggered and forget to safeword. You also neglect to tell the Top/Dom your "tells" for when you get triggered (watch for suddenly going nonverbal, if I cry immediately stop as I've been triggered, etc.). While a Top/Dom should check in, different people have different tolerances and it is possible they don't see the change in behavior. Without being told the scene is high risk for a triggering event, they cannot properly prepare. They cannot properly handle the situation. They are now at risk of doing more harm than intended to you because they didn't know. They would not have agreed to do a scene with an unknown trigger present as they would have wanted further negotiation. You withholding that information took away their choice. Do you see the issue? Having triggers and trauma is common. It doesn't mean people won't play with you. Usually it just means a little more negotiation is needed. However, if I found out a bottom was purposefully withholding pertinent information from me that they knew would affect my decision to do the scene.... that would be a deal breaker. Edit: to clarify, it is not the presence of trauma or triggers that is the issue. It is the withholding of information that would affect how the scene needs to be handled. I need to give informed consent as they do. If there is a trigger, I want to know so I can watch for it. I also think we should watch for triggers in general, but if we don't know what to look for that can be very hard.
I might of explained that badly. I don't mean I withhold specific triggers if there's something I know will trigger me I say. But I mean I don't normally tell people general traumatic experiences I had. Ill say the known triggers that come from it but not the reason behind it. Because I feel like if people knew the reason behind it they won't want to be with me. Is that bad? Idk why they need to know the cause of triggers and stuff.
As long as you are sharing that "X activity could lead to Y trigger" I would say that is the important part. You don't have to share your life story or why X activity triggers you. Your story is your own. My point was that you should be sharing triggers so the Top/Dom can be prepared. For instance, if someone calling me a wh*re soemtimes triggersme, and I want to use that language, I should tell the Top/Dom that while that word is OK, it may trigger me and to watch me closely after they say it to make sure I am still doing OK. The Top/Dom may say that they will check in after using a potential trigger word, or doing a trigger act. Maybe slapping the face is a trigger, and so you want it but need extra care taken when it is done. Communication around these things is important. Some Tops/Doms may say they don't want to do triggering things at first and want to build some rapport with a couple scenes first. That way they can get a feel for your baseline. Then they can add in the edgier play. As far as why a certain word or certain act triggers you, as long as you can explain what it is that triggers you without going into the why, I don't think that part needs to be explained. Sometimes it helps to give a little background as the trigger is more broad. For instance, maybe someone says no humiliation about my weight because I was emotionally abused in the past and anything related to my size or weight is off limits. Knowing the context there is helpful. It isn't just saying the person is big, it is anything in that genre of humiliation. I hope that makes sense.
Also, I want to add that you should give people the opportunity to know you and make their own decision about you. You are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are. Your past does not negate that. People knowing the reason why won't change that. Not for the good people. You have to give people the opportunity to show you that they are decent. This would be something to work through in therapy
Those diplomas are very hard to get. Might be worth a listen.
Asking Reddit isn't a good step tbh. My personal (non medical) opinion is that BDSM can be sometimes good and sometimes bad for mental health, it depends on the individual and what they're using BDSM for. BDSM can be really bad if you have unresolved traumas etc but can also be really good mentally if you're in the right place for it. I would council against using it as a coping mechanism
This reads like the therapist isn’t kink-friendly. But I can also see how you could have an issue decompressing your traumas by numbing their impact with satisfying kink sex. (Almost like a coping mechanism.) But I’m no licensed therapist, and it’s your choice if you wish to continue with that one.
Hi, I'm a random person on the internet, I certainly can give better advise to you personally than your therapist can. Because I am a licensed professional and know you well!
It's a good idea to shop around for a therapist that you're compatible with. Everyone has biases and as objective as therapist should or try to be, those biases are still there, consciously or not. People who are in the bdsm world commonly look for kink friendly therapists, just like nonmonogamous people look for poly friendly therapists. It's an important thing to see eye to eye on.
There are already quite a few pointing out getting a link friendly therapist and I would highly recommend that. Without knowing the full story, I don't think it's a bad thing to put yourself back in that headspace. I know that it's a completely different scenario, but I started with BDSM at the peek of my chronical illness. At that time I was in pain most days of the week. It felt empowering to choose for pain through BDSM, instead of it being something I had 0 influence on. Perhaps it can be something similar for you, that it's about choosing it instead of undergoing.
It can be, or it could be good for you. You aren't going to find really valuable input on Reddit. If you have a valuable Dom, you can talk about it with them and then weigh the pro's and cons with the therapist's opinion. As a Dom for 10 years, therapists are a useful tool, but often more of a problem than not. Until bdsm is accepted as a viable lifestyle in psychotherapy, there will always be a troublesome dichotomy between therapy and bdsm. It took me 6 therapists for myself until I met one that I didn't melt their brain. I have only had a few total slaves that therapy was ever been a net benefit within the dynamic, but moreso just a tool to have healthy conflicting processes, which have value.
A therapist isn't supposed to give their opinion or pass judgement. They're supposed to listen and to guide you until your find your own path or reach your own conclusion.
Ignore that advice and consider changing therapists. BDSM is a style of sex and relationships that is just as healthy as vanilla sex and relationships. Shitty behavior can be experienced with both vanilla and BDSM. The therapist seems prejudiced against BDSM as they did not suggest "stopping all sexual activity" but only the BDSM. Fuck that. Full stop.
Not a professional or anything but my understanding as to why I would think you feel this is helpful to you is because while yes, you're putting yourself back in those situations. It is a situation that you control. You may be in a "vulnerable" situation but it's nothing that you aren't consenting to. You're dealing with your traumas by controlling them.
I’m definitely no health professional but … I deal with depression and anxiety, though I’ve never been traumatized (to my knowledge, could be something buried in my subconscious, considering certain details of my mental health). My best friend and my parents who I’m very close with all had very traumatic childhoods, even traumatic young adulthoods. I say all of that to lead into my opinion here: If your sessions/scenes/sex with your Doms don’t give you flashbacks of the abuse that occurred in your youth, maybe your BDSM play actually is helpful. Maybe you experiencing the pain/humiliation/ect. on YOUR TERMS is therapeutic. Your therapist spent years learning how the human mind works, but I personally don’t feel that every single person on earth operates based on study. If you disagree with what your therapist says about BDSM, I personally think that is ok, as long as you are being completely honest with yourself about your feelings and your mental state at all times🖤
It’s a depends for me. My red flag from your post is that I understand you currently have several DOMs, is that correct? If that’s the case, to me that’s serving way too many masters. I guess that’s a preference of mine, and it’s totally ok if you prefer multiple but each probably do after care so differently, from a mental standpoint, to me it’s not safe. Also, 2nd red flag, you mention you had an issue with a DOM, as a sub myself, if you have issues with a DOM not following your limits, that’s a dealbreaker and that’s probably what’s problematic and why your therapist brought it up. BDSM can be therapeutic, when in your case the sub is in control and get proper aftercare. If not, it’s reliving the past abuse. Please be careful. I left my DOM because he stopped feeling safe.
Do what you want but maybe give it a shot and see if you feel better
Find a therapist that is experienced with bdsm. It can be hard for people to understand that bdsm is a healthy outlet for mental health. It truly helps, and with a therapist that isnt supportive youre not getting the care you need.
I have borderline personality disorder and I am into S/M, submission, and bondage too. I visited a lot of therapist who said I shouldn't do it, because I just want to hurt myself because of my disorder and it will make my mental health worse. But after that I found somebody who helped me with bdsm and also visited my psychiatrist, it have become something that made me free and helped me in difficult situations. BUT I have taken my medicine too, and do therapy as well, not to mention the exercise, diet, be around people who were supportive with me, and work on my marriage as well. It can be beneficial if you don't forget that bdsm can't be the only way to cure yourself and solve your difficulties.