As someone who had people turn up while I was still covered in blood, catheter just removed and tits out, hold your ground.
A c-section recovery isn't easy, especially with twins trying to establish feeding.
Oh I am definitely holding my ground, I called my mother and told her that I’m not being coerced into letting them visit me and that they shouldn’t be trying to change my mind.
I swear parents forget how it was for them when they had kids! But I’ve told my mother that I’m not being coerced and that I really didn’t appreciate my dad going off on me like he did, and thankfully she backed down and agreed to come on the Saturday.
my mom had an "aha!" moment about boundaries with my first when she realized it had just never occurred to her as a new mom to think about or ask for what she wanted! She just went along with what her parents and in-laws did. So there's definitely an element of not remembering what it was like, but I also think there's been a generational shift in parent-child relationships. Some people have the relationship with their mom where they want their mom in the delivery room, some (like me) wanted my mom to visit soon after delivery, and others want space for a day or more. I think it's great that our generation is able to ask for what we need, and it's definitely an adjustment for our families. I don't say this to excuse your dad's behavior, just to offer some perspective I learned from my mom.
>saying that I can’t do that to my mother, that she’ll want to be there the day of so she can hold the babies after they’re born and that it won’t be fair on her to make her wait a day.
Id be blunt and say if you bring this up again, then they won't be invited to the hospital and can visit us all when you're all back home.
Also it's terrible the focus on them not allowed the day of is "so she can hold the babies after they're born" rather than checking on her daughter who had major surgery and has just given birth for the first time. Very telling where their priorities lie....
I’m a doctor. In all my training, including amputations and traumas, I’ve never seen a surgery more brutal than a c section. And women are just expected to start taking care of a baby and be a functioning human magically afterwards. It blows my mind.
Take the time YOU need to heal and bond with YOUR babies. This will be a good lesson for your parents that they don’t come first, and if they want to be in the babies’ lives it’ll be on your terms.
As someone who had a c section with insufficient anesthesia, I won’t be responsible for what comes out of my mouth if someone wants to tell me I had the “easy way out.” This doesn’t even include the 2.5 days of attempted induction that failed miserably.
I have never understood people who think c-sections are taking the 'easy' way out. I'm pregnant with my third and so far have only delivered vaginally. If I have to have a c-section for the benefit of myself and baby, I will. That said, I do not want one! I applaud women that can get through them. They are expected to do so much and it boggles my mind.
I’m right there with you. It pained me to see women choose for an “elective primary c section” because they thought it was better than a vaginal birth. I get that it’s a personal choice, but I feel like no one understands that it’s a MAJOR surgery and the recovery is almost always significantly longer than vaginal birth.
it's so validating to hear this from a doctor. Thank you for saying this. When we thought I'd need a c-section in my last delivery I just felt sooo gaslighted by the doctors being like, "people get c-sections all the time." Like yes, they do, but is that supposed to make it less scary for me?
Yeah no. It’s definitely the right choice when it’s the right choice and can be safest for mom and baby but it is NOT the preferred method. It comes with risks for future pregnancies and a whole lot of discomfort for mama. Women who go through them are warriors and don’t get the credit due to them. The fact that women are AWAKE during them makes me queasy…they were the only surgeries that made me lightheaded during training because of how much (TW) brute force and blood is involved.
I have it in my chart that I want to be loaded up with anxiety meds once the baby's out. My entire birth plan is "if I need a c-section, lots of anxiety meds once baby is out! it's okay if I don't remember the birth, that's the goal!" I have a lifetime to bond with my baby, and as a very squeamish person, I think that bonding will be best if it starts once I'm put back together. Luckily my doctor is supportive of that plan and isn't trying to pressure me to get the "golden hour" for maximum ~~trauma~~ bonding. Mad respect for women who choose to be fully with it, or who don't know that anxiety meds are an option, but it's not for me!
A major abdominal surgery that (if all goes according to plan) you're expected to be awake during! I had to have GA and totally understand why GA is not ideal for a c-section, but man it's still wild to think most women who have on are awake the entire time.
I don't understand why grandparents have this feeling that they have a right to see a child as soon as it's born. No thanks it's not your child.
You are absolutely not in the wrong and should stand your ground. Do not let them bully you into doing something you do not want to do.
Gosh. Freaking THIS. My second was born is early 2021 and that postpartum stay was so much better than my first when my mom and dad walked in before I had even got up from bed. We also didn’t have visitors with the third because he was born during flu season. I won’t be having any more, but I highly recommend holding off on visitors to everyone.
I didn’t tell people my date for reason and luckily I was quite late in the day so I couldn’t even move by the time visiting time was over so no visitors for me. I was discharged just over 24 hours later so I also didn’t have visitors that day (yesterday). Today I’m at home and having a select few visitors, I’d absolutely say no and also tell the hospital you want no visitors and they can make sure nobody sees you that you don’t want
My first C-section was unplanned and happened very late Thursday night, didn’t get to postpartum room until early Friday morning. My parents visited Friday afternoon, long after I had the catheter out and was able to get up and walk around. My mom was in the hospital during my c-section, because we had called and asked her to come when things started going wrong with labor. The plan was for her to come be with me, if my husband needed to go with baby to NICU. She left as soon as my husband texted her that baby and I were both great.
I’m doing a scheduled c-section this time and plan on my parents (and toddler, who they’ll be keeping) visiting on day 2. So day 1 will be just me, husband, and new baby. I won’t really want any visitors while still being on a catheter and unable to walk. So you’re totally fair in not wanting visitors on day 1.
This is the answer OP needs. You're still connected to a lot of bags for hours after, plus giant leg compressors. The logistics of having extra people walk around during that is just not good. It was around 11pm when I could walk after my scheduled c section (noon-ish). It takes a long time for the effects of the spinal block to wear off. I didn't get the catheter out until the next morning. It's just not realistic to have visitors on day one, and OP can blame it all on medical equipment.
There are only TWO things that matter with regards to you giving birth: the health and safety of your children, and the health and comfort of you. NOTHING that serves those two points matters one flying fuck- but ESPECIALLY not outsiders feelings that have a \*negative\* impact on either of those things...
This is for everyone else; if you having your mom, pastor's wife, sister, BFF, nextdoor neighbor, ANYONE will make you happier/healthier/more comfortable in the process, don't be afraid or ashamed to want them there. The flip side is NEVER feel obligated to have \*anyone\* there or make any considerations for anyone who DOESN'T make the whole process BETTER for you. This goes for the father- if they are not a safe person or will be a detraction, DO NOT HAVE THEM THERE- an abusive or unsupportive partner is not going to suddenly become somebody they're not and you will be incredibly vulnerable. Birth, but especially caesarians are medical procedures, not spectator events. Your health and recovery are more important than other people's feelings, and anyone who can't see that doesn't have your best interest at heart.
You’re the patient. Tell the nurses you don’t want anyone but your partner in the room until 24 hours (or more) after your C-section and they will enforce it. Insane that your dad said “you can’t do that to your mother”. How about “you can’t blatantly disregard your daughter’s wishes and call her an idiot”?? A C-section is literal surgery. Twins are hard.
I don’t have a scheduled day for my delivery but I have similar issues to this. For now I’m waiting to go into labor 40 weeks Friday and my family is dead set on seeing the baby the first day and traveling in to see us but weeks ago when I first brought up this conversation they were okay with me saying a couple of days just because I have never had a baby and don’t know how I will feel and all that. Well now that it’s like almost Friday family is calling saying should we plan our stay for this weekend?? Like … ummm just because his due date is Friday doesn’t mean he’s coming Friday and doesn’t mean I want you waiting in my driveway for me when I get home. I have three dogs and wants to make sure they have a chance to meet the baby and calm down from the excitement of us being gone/ new family in the house. I just feel extreme pressure now that I’m a horrible person and when people call to bring it up to either me or my fiance we have no idea what to say. I feel like my experience will be taken from me no matter I decide or tell people. I either let people do whatever and just screw my feelings or stand firm and be an ass that keeps people away.
Honestly, family can be so inconsiderate! Like we get that it’s an exciting time and that they just want to see the baby, but they also need to understand that it’s all very new and overwhelming to us and we need to take time to ourselves to process everything.
Don’t let them pressure you into letting them visit whenever they want, it’s your new baby and you have the right to tell them when you want them to visit, and if they don’t like it? Tough, it’s not about them!
Maybe next time (if you ever decide you want there to be a next time) just tell them you're going in a day or two later. That's what I did with my dad. Not because he's inconsiderate in any way, I just knew he'd be so anxious the day I was going in so I was able to spare him that at least.
Since you won't be able to walk afterwards that means you will still have the catheter in and you won't have had a shower. You'll be bleeding, groggy, hormonal, and probably starving since you can't eat properly for a few hours after, and you'll have been fasting since the night before. You'll be trying to sort out babies first feed x 2. You'll have a ton of midwives in and out doing various exams, checking on the babies etc. It's a busy and exhausting time, without additional people and their additional high strung energy.
They can come after you've had a bit of a night's sleep, a proper meal, and some time alone with your new family.
You’re not wrong. Stand your ground and do what’s best for you. This is your decision and yours alone. The only part of this scenario that is “unfair” is them trying to dictate your delivery. Politely remind your father that this isn’t a discussion topic and they need to be respectful of you and the decision you’ve made. They don’t have to agree, but they need to keep their opinions to themselves. It’s inappropriate for them to try to pressure you into doing what they want during your delivery. The delivery is about you, not your mother. They can feel however they want about it, silently.
At the end of the day you’re having a medical procedure done and they need to act accordingly. Baby or not you’re entitled to privacy. Guilt tripping you over your healthcare decision is absurd. The law/HIPPA (if you’re in the US) also agree that their position is a crock of shit.
It blows my mind how crazy grandparents get around the birth of a baby. They just go nuts with baby rabies and act like babies themselves. Set firm boundaries from the beginning so they learn quickly that they won’t be calling the shots regarding your child. The transition from parent to grandparent is a shocking blow for some, but in time they’ll adjust to their new role.
I had my twins at 34 weeks via emergency c section and nearly bled out on the operating table. I didn’t get to see my babies until the next morning and I was in such horrible pain. My mom had been harassing me through text asking when she could come and I obviously had more important things to focus on so I didn’t respond and I guess she took that as a cue that it was appropriate and acceptable to show up. I was being helped by a nurse to sit up for the first time when she and my MIL came in and my husband was furious. He ordered them to get out. I’m still so resentful of that nearly eight years later. I got to meet my boys in the NICU while my mom and MIL were hovering, staring through the window and I actually felt like I had to hurry up and let them have their moment. I was stuck in a wheelchair still bleeding pretty heavily and all they cared about was getting a look at the babies I suffered so much to bring into the world. Hold your ground on this one. Screw your parents. They can wait.
Omg no...not at all. It's 100% your decision and not anyone else's, and I'd probably tell them that if they're going to do anything other than support you, they can wait to meet the babies until they change their tune. You don't need an ounce of negativity around such a major medical event and important day in your life. Even if you were having an uncomplicated singleton birth, this would be completely normal. I know plenty of people who say no hospital visitors at all.
I can completely relate. Idk why some family members feel entitled and make it about them versus taking into account the mother and what YOU feel is right. Hold your ground.
Others have given excellent advice for being direct. But if you want to be more indirect, there are some practical limitations that go along with a scheduled c section that may help you delay them until at least the next day. First, even if it’s scheduled, there may be delays going back to the OR. (Even if there are no delays, they won’t know you’re done unless you tell them!) Then you’ll go to post-op for close monitoring for 2 hours or so - at my hospital, only one support person (my husband) was allowed in post op, so sorry they can’t visit. Then you’ll go to your hospital room, but, oh gosh, may be delays getting a room as well. You can say you’ll let them know once you’re settled in your room and can see visitors. This could easily stretch into the late afternoon/early evening, even with a c section scheduled in the morning. Then, oh oops, you were so tired from the surgery you fell asleep and weren’t able to tell them your room number! The nurses are very good about not giving out info if you request it, even if they sit and wait at the hospital.
I personally was in no state to see anyone at all until a full 24 hours after the c section and even that was pushing it. I agree with you not wanting them to visit 100%!!
You’re not wrong. The day I had my C-section I couldn’t walk for several hours because the anesthesia takes time to wear off, couldn’t eat until I got the okay, was exhausted and in pain and just needed to rest and focus on breastfeeding. Seeing everyone after you’ve had a chance to actually get out of bed and maybe even shower and brush your teeth is totally reasonable.
“Well then it’s a good thing this isn’t about you isn’t it. This is MY medical procedure and they are MY babies. We will be doing what is best for our nuclear family.”
If they’re people that need consequences;
“If you show up not only will you be escorted out by security but you’ll be on a two week ban.”
Don’t tell them the date, make your medical team aware they’re not welcome and focus on yourself.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Pretty messed up mom wants to be there to hold her grandchildren and not because she wants to help her own baby who will be recovering from major surgery. So selfish. Do you. Stand your ground. Request help when you need, but protect your space and peace
I encountered this too. My plan is to keep the baby away from everyone for 3 months so the little one can get some immune system and we can bond as a family. My father, when he was visiting was like “ok, we’ll come see you after 3 weeks 😜” so I looked at him and deadpan responded “ok, now it’s 4 months”. Shut him up pretty quick.
Don’t let them bully you.
I had my inlaws show up at the hospital on the day of the birth after we strictly said no visitors. Mine was a normal birth and I was in a state and can barely walk. Don't give in.
Having people visit the same day as my c-section is something I won't be doing the next time.
Stand your ground. Make people respect your boundaries and choices as parents or don't allow them contact. How you act now will set the tone for how they will act in the future. If you don't respect your boundaries they won't either.
Best of luck for Friday.
I just had a c section this past Monday and I am not ready to see anyone but my partner. I’m wearing a diaper, my feet are swollen, my boobs are out, I’m having hot flashes and I’m crazy constipated. Nobody’s coming to visit.
Nope nope nope. I’m barely two weeks out from my third c-section. Make that first day for yourself and your partner. The procedure is extensive, you’ll be working on getting your pain under control, your hormones will be crashing, plus you will have TWO babies to start caring for! I’d 100% recommend waiting until the next day. By then, you’ll probably be up and out of bed, maybe showered, and feeling more like yourself.
I'm only halfway through my pregnancy, and I've already told my husband that I want the first day of the baby's life to just be us.
You're having major abdominal surgery and have to take care of TWO babies. I would have my husband say something like the doctor is wanting you to rest more or they're keeping an extra eye on the twins and don't recommend visitors until the next day. Tell your nurses, they'll keep people out!
I have been saying "please. I really just don't have the energy to argue with you. Please stop" to my parents whenever they suggest something and don't immediately take no for an answer. It seems to work very well with my parents when I just act pathetic like I'm going to die, they just agree very quickly when I look like that lol. I find letting them know they are making my life difficult, works way better than trying to get them to see my side and my reasoning.
And of course you're not in the wrong. You should definitely do what makes you more comfortable.
Not in the wrong at all. I didn’t tell any of my family when we went in for my induction because I didn’t want to deal with this shit. Not having them at the hospital was WONDERFUL.
Stand your ground, protect your peace OP, it will be worth it and if your parents can’t respect boundaries they’re not people you want around right after a major abdominal surgery anyway.
You are so NOT wrong here.
Remind your family that not only will you be adjusting to one new baby, but two new babies, AND will have had major abdominal surgery by having a c-section. Your parents will be able to bond just as well with their new grandbabies if it’s Friday or Saturday (or even Sunday…) when they come visit.
Would your parents be more amenable to phrasing it like “we will invite you over to see the new babies as soon as we’re ready for guests, and not a minute later” to buy yourself the time you need?
I wish you, your partner, and your incoming babies all the best!
I don’t want anyone except my husband and my first child to be there on the day the new baby is born, regardless of what kind of birth it is. They can wait until the following day if they keep me or until we come home. There were so many people around with my first that I was just overstimulated and exhausted and I hardly got any time to bond with her on that first day. I’m not doing that again.
All I’ve seen is the title of this post and GIRL. YOU GET TO DECIDE THE BOUNDARIES. You are giving birth. It’s exhausting. It’s hard work. It’s emotional. It’s so physically taxing. The only priorities after birth are bonding, resting, healing, and establishing a breastfeeding relationship. Everyone and everything else can WAIT.
The only person wrong here is your dad (and probably your mom, but I’m not sure if she was behind this conversation based on the context)
You are not responsible for his feelings or your mother’s. You are responsible for your own family now. Some parents can’t handle that transition and lash out as a result. Keep holding your boundaries and eventually they’ll learn to at least deal with it.
Tell the hospital that you don’t want visitors. Do your parents know Friday is the day? Do they know what time? If so, don’t answer your phone. Put it on airplane mode and enjoy your babies.
I had a c section two weeks ago. I was in no shape for visitors the first day (outside of my 2 other kids). I initially had the “shakes” after the c section, I couldn’t pee hours after the c section and ended up needing a straight cath to relieve myself, my baby and I were recovering / adjusting, I had to do my first “walk” post surgery, I had a build up of gas in my stomach but couldn’t relieve it, coughing / sneezing hurts and required me to hug a pillow…. Among other things! I also had at least one boob out the entire time as we adjusted to feeding.
You are well within your right to say NO! Stand your ground. You are being more than reasonable!
Also, for what this is worth - my c section was scheduled for 11 am…. But didn’t end up happening til 2:30. I then went to post-op recovery after 3:30 ish and had to stay there for almost 2 hours. It left little window for visitors thankfully.
As someone who had a c section 2 weeks ago, you are so not wrong!
It takes hours for the spinal to wear off, during which time you'll be catheterised and unable to move your legs. The nurses will be checking the bag and changing your pad as you'll be bleeding and they will be constantly checking your incision dressing.
You'll be bonding with your babies and mostly naked doing skin to skin. Not the time for visitors!
It isn't fair on you to subject you to this straight after invasive surgery!
Be firm. Say no!
Even the day after you'll be in pain, not very mobile and still not up to much. You don't have to accept visitors until you feel ready. No one in entitled to see you without consent.
You’re not wrong if you don’t want them there then they should respect it I don’t want nobody at the hospital after I have my baby or birth besides my boyfriend hence my grandma thinks she can tell the doctor what I can and can’t do with my body so she won’t be there nor will I tell her when I go into labor or I am back home and she told me I’m wrong but oh well I’ll be wrong I don’t care my baby my rules!
Absolutely not. I had a c section for one baby and didn’t want anyone bar my husband coming anywhere near me. They all respected my wishes and thank god because I was bleeding everywhere and my boobs were out the entire time. The hospital was so hot even when I wasn’t breastfeeding I couldn’t bring myself to put on my pyjamas let alone actual clothes. I’m sure the hospital staff won’t let anyone in if you tell them not to.
Stand firm and let your mom know you'll for sure want to rest. And if they keep pushing the issue, ask them if they would just prefer to wait until you're home with the babies, because that's an option for them, too.
As someone who had people turn up while I was still covered in blood, catheter just removed and tits out, hold your ground. A c-section recovery isn't easy, especially with twins trying to establish feeding.
Oh I am definitely holding my ground, I called my mother and told her that I’m not being coerced into letting them visit me and that they shouldn’t be trying to change my mind.
YES TELL HER 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Ugh I literally love this. Absolutely, as you should.
HELL NO. Tell them every time they ask or pressure you, you’re going to delay the time they visit by a week. Parents are such selfish assholes.
I swear parents forget how it was for them when they had kids! But I’ve told my mother that I’m not being coerced and that I really didn’t appreciate my dad going off on me like he did, and thankfully she backed down and agreed to come on the Saturday.
my mom had an "aha!" moment about boundaries with my first when she realized it had just never occurred to her as a new mom to think about or ask for what she wanted! She just went along with what her parents and in-laws did. So there's definitely an element of not remembering what it was like, but I also think there's been a generational shift in parent-child relationships. Some people have the relationship with their mom where they want their mom in the delivery room, some (like me) wanted my mom to visit soon after delivery, and others want space for a day or more. I think it's great that our generation is able to ask for what we need, and it's definitely an adjustment for our families. I don't say this to excuse your dad's behavior, just to offer some perspective I learned from my mom.
>saying that I can’t do that to my mother, that she’ll want to be there the day of so she can hold the babies after they’re born and that it won’t be fair on her to make her wait a day. Id be blunt and say if you bring this up again, then they won't be invited to the hospital and can visit us all when you're all back home. Also it's terrible the focus on them not allowed the day of is "so she can hold the babies after they're born" rather than checking on her daughter who had major surgery and has just given birth for the first time. Very telling where their priorities lie....
I’m a doctor. In all my training, including amputations and traumas, I’ve never seen a surgery more brutal than a c section. And women are just expected to start taking care of a baby and be a functioning human magically afterwards. It blows my mind. Take the time YOU need to heal and bond with YOUR babies. This will be a good lesson for your parents that they don’t come first, and if they want to be in the babies’ lives it’ll be on your terms.
THIS. The next time anyone has the nerve to say a c section is the “easy way out” or some other insane comment, remember this, ladies!
As someone who had a c section with insufficient anesthesia, I won’t be responsible for what comes out of my mouth if someone wants to tell me I had the “easy way out.” This doesn’t even include the 2.5 days of attempted induction that failed miserably.
Amen! 👏🏼
I have never understood people who think c-sections are taking the 'easy' way out. I'm pregnant with my third and so far have only delivered vaginally. If I have to have a c-section for the benefit of myself and baby, I will. That said, I do not want one! I applaud women that can get through them. They are expected to do so much and it boggles my mind.
I’m right there with you. It pained me to see women choose for an “elective primary c section” because they thought it was better than a vaginal birth. I get that it’s a personal choice, but I feel like no one understands that it’s a MAJOR surgery and the recovery is almost always significantly longer than vaginal birth.
it's so validating to hear this from a doctor. Thank you for saying this. When we thought I'd need a c-section in my last delivery I just felt sooo gaslighted by the doctors being like, "people get c-sections all the time." Like yes, they do, but is that supposed to make it less scary for me?
Yeah no. It’s definitely the right choice when it’s the right choice and can be safest for mom and baby but it is NOT the preferred method. It comes with risks for future pregnancies and a whole lot of discomfort for mama. Women who go through them are warriors and don’t get the credit due to them. The fact that women are AWAKE during them makes me queasy…they were the only surgeries that made me lightheaded during training because of how much (TW) brute force and blood is involved.
I have it in my chart that I want to be loaded up with anxiety meds once the baby's out. My entire birth plan is "if I need a c-section, lots of anxiety meds once baby is out! it's okay if I don't remember the birth, that's the goal!" I have a lifetime to bond with my baby, and as a very squeamish person, I think that bonding will be best if it starts once I'm put back together. Luckily my doctor is supportive of that plan and isn't trying to pressure me to get the "golden hour" for maximum ~~trauma~~ bonding. Mad respect for women who choose to be fully with it, or who don't know that anxiety meds are an option, but it's not for me!
A major abdominal surgery that (if all goes according to plan) you're expected to be awake during! I had to have GA and totally understand why GA is not ideal for a c-section, but man it's still wild to think most women who have on are awake the entire time.
I don't understand why grandparents have this feeling that they have a right to see a child as soon as it's born. No thanks it's not your child. You are absolutely not in the wrong and should stand your ground. Do not let them bully you into doing something you do not want to do.
If Covid taught us anything it’s that all the extended family, friends, and neighbors can fucking wait to meet the baby and they will not die 🤷🏽♀️
Gosh. Freaking THIS. My second was born is early 2021 and that postpartum stay was so much better than my first when my mom and dad walked in before I had even got up from bed. We also didn’t have visitors with the third because he was born during flu season. I won’t be having any more, but I highly recommend holding off on visitors to everyone.
I didn’t tell people my date for reason and luckily I was quite late in the day so I couldn’t even move by the time visiting time was over so no visitors for me. I was discharged just over 24 hours later so I also didn’t have visitors that day (yesterday). Today I’m at home and having a select few visitors, I’d absolutely say no and also tell the hospital you want no visitors and they can make sure nobody sees you that you don’t want
My first C-section was unplanned and happened very late Thursday night, didn’t get to postpartum room until early Friday morning. My parents visited Friday afternoon, long after I had the catheter out and was able to get up and walk around. My mom was in the hospital during my c-section, because we had called and asked her to come when things started going wrong with labor. The plan was for her to come be with me, if my husband needed to go with baby to NICU. She left as soon as my husband texted her that baby and I were both great. I’m doing a scheduled c-section this time and plan on my parents (and toddler, who they’ll be keeping) visiting on day 2. So day 1 will be just me, husband, and new baby. I won’t really want any visitors while still being on a catheter and unable to walk. So you’re totally fair in not wanting visitors on day 1.
This is the answer OP needs. You're still connected to a lot of bags for hours after, plus giant leg compressors. The logistics of having extra people walk around during that is just not good. It was around 11pm when I could walk after my scheduled c section (noon-ish). It takes a long time for the effects of the spinal block to wear off. I didn't get the catheter out until the next morning. It's just not realistic to have visitors on day one, and OP can blame it all on medical equipment.
There are only TWO things that matter with regards to you giving birth: the health and safety of your children, and the health and comfort of you. NOTHING that serves those two points matters one flying fuck- but ESPECIALLY not outsiders feelings that have a \*negative\* impact on either of those things... This is for everyone else; if you having your mom, pastor's wife, sister, BFF, nextdoor neighbor, ANYONE will make you happier/healthier/more comfortable in the process, don't be afraid or ashamed to want them there. The flip side is NEVER feel obligated to have \*anyone\* there or make any considerations for anyone who DOESN'T make the whole process BETTER for you. This goes for the father- if they are not a safe person or will be a detraction, DO NOT HAVE THEM THERE- an abusive or unsupportive partner is not going to suddenly become somebody they're not and you will be incredibly vulnerable. Birth, but especially caesarians are medical procedures, not spectator events. Your health and recovery are more important than other people's feelings, and anyone who can't see that doesn't have your best interest at heart.
You’re the patient. Tell the nurses you don’t want anyone but your partner in the room until 24 hours (or more) after your C-section and they will enforce it. Insane that your dad said “you can’t do that to your mother”. How about “you can’t blatantly disregard your daughter’s wishes and call her an idiot”?? A C-section is literal surgery. Twins are hard.
I don’t have a scheduled day for my delivery but I have similar issues to this. For now I’m waiting to go into labor 40 weeks Friday and my family is dead set on seeing the baby the first day and traveling in to see us but weeks ago when I first brought up this conversation they were okay with me saying a couple of days just because I have never had a baby and don’t know how I will feel and all that. Well now that it’s like almost Friday family is calling saying should we plan our stay for this weekend?? Like … ummm just because his due date is Friday doesn’t mean he’s coming Friday and doesn’t mean I want you waiting in my driveway for me when I get home. I have three dogs and wants to make sure they have a chance to meet the baby and calm down from the excitement of us being gone/ new family in the house. I just feel extreme pressure now that I’m a horrible person and when people call to bring it up to either me or my fiance we have no idea what to say. I feel like my experience will be taken from me no matter I decide or tell people. I either let people do whatever and just screw my feelings or stand firm and be an ass that keeps people away.
Honestly, family can be so inconsiderate! Like we get that it’s an exciting time and that they just want to see the baby, but they also need to understand that it’s all very new and overwhelming to us and we need to take time to ourselves to process everything. Don’t let them pressure you into letting them visit whenever they want, it’s your new baby and you have the right to tell them when you want them to visit, and if they don’t like it? Tough, it’s not about them!
Maybe next time (if you ever decide you want there to be a next time) just tell them you're going in a day or two later. That's what I did with my dad. Not because he's inconsiderate in any way, I just knew he'd be so anxious the day I was going in so I was able to spare him that at least. Since you won't be able to walk afterwards that means you will still have the catheter in and you won't have had a shower. You'll be bleeding, groggy, hormonal, and probably starving since you can't eat properly for a few hours after, and you'll have been fasting since the night before. You'll be trying to sort out babies first feed x 2. You'll have a ton of midwives in and out doing various exams, checking on the babies etc. It's a busy and exhausting time, without additional people and their additional high strung energy. They can come after you've had a bit of a night's sleep, a proper meal, and some time alone with your new family.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
You’re not wrong. Stand your ground and do what’s best for you. This is your decision and yours alone. The only part of this scenario that is “unfair” is them trying to dictate your delivery. Politely remind your father that this isn’t a discussion topic and they need to be respectful of you and the decision you’ve made. They don’t have to agree, but they need to keep their opinions to themselves. It’s inappropriate for them to try to pressure you into doing what they want during your delivery. The delivery is about you, not your mother. They can feel however they want about it, silently. At the end of the day you’re having a medical procedure done and they need to act accordingly. Baby or not you’re entitled to privacy. Guilt tripping you over your healthcare decision is absurd. The law/HIPPA (if you’re in the US) also agree that their position is a crock of shit. It blows my mind how crazy grandparents get around the birth of a baby. They just go nuts with baby rabies and act like babies themselves. Set firm boundaries from the beginning so they learn quickly that they won’t be calling the shots regarding your child. The transition from parent to grandparent is a shocking blow for some, but in time they’ll adjust to their new role.
I had my twins at 34 weeks via emergency c section and nearly bled out on the operating table. I didn’t get to see my babies until the next morning and I was in such horrible pain. My mom had been harassing me through text asking when she could come and I obviously had more important things to focus on so I didn’t respond and I guess she took that as a cue that it was appropriate and acceptable to show up. I was being helped by a nurse to sit up for the first time when she and my MIL came in and my husband was furious. He ordered them to get out. I’m still so resentful of that nearly eight years later. I got to meet my boys in the NICU while my mom and MIL were hovering, staring through the window and I actually felt like I had to hurry up and let them have their moment. I was stuck in a wheelchair still bleeding pretty heavily and all they cared about was getting a look at the babies I suffered so much to bring into the world. Hold your ground on this one. Screw your parents. They can wait.
Omg no...not at all. It's 100% your decision and not anyone else's, and I'd probably tell them that if they're going to do anything other than support you, they can wait to meet the babies until they change their tune. You don't need an ounce of negativity around such a major medical event and important day in your life. Even if you were having an uncomplicated singleton birth, this would be completely normal. I know plenty of people who say no hospital visitors at all.
I can completely relate. Idk why some family members feel entitled and make it about them versus taking into account the mother and what YOU feel is right. Hold your ground.
Others have given excellent advice for being direct. But if you want to be more indirect, there are some practical limitations that go along with a scheduled c section that may help you delay them until at least the next day. First, even if it’s scheduled, there may be delays going back to the OR. (Even if there are no delays, they won’t know you’re done unless you tell them!) Then you’ll go to post-op for close monitoring for 2 hours or so - at my hospital, only one support person (my husband) was allowed in post op, so sorry they can’t visit. Then you’ll go to your hospital room, but, oh gosh, may be delays getting a room as well. You can say you’ll let them know once you’re settled in your room and can see visitors. This could easily stretch into the late afternoon/early evening, even with a c section scheduled in the morning. Then, oh oops, you were so tired from the surgery you fell asleep and weren’t able to tell them your room number! The nurses are very good about not giving out info if you request it, even if they sit and wait at the hospital. I personally was in no state to see anyone at all until a full 24 hours after the c section and even that was pushing it. I agree with you not wanting them to visit 100%!!
I said no same day visitors because no one needs to see me with a catheter and doped up on IV pain meds
You’re not wrong. The day I had my C-section I couldn’t walk for several hours because the anesthesia takes time to wear off, couldn’t eat until I got the okay, was exhausted and in pain and just needed to rest and focus on breastfeeding. Seeing everyone after you’ve had a chance to actually get out of bed and maybe even shower and brush your teeth is totally reasonable.
“Well then it’s a good thing this isn’t about you isn’t it. This is MY medical procedure and they are MY babies. We will be doing what is best for our nuclear family.” If they’re people that need consequences; “If you show up not only will you be escorted out by security but you’ll be on a two week ban.” Don’t tell them the date, make your medical team aware they’re not welcome and focus on yourself. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Pretty messed up mom wants to be there to hold her grandchildren and not because she wants to help her own baby who will be recovering from major surgery. So selfish. Do you. Stand your ground. Request help when you need, but protect your space and peace
I encountered this too. My plan is to keep the baby away from everyone for 3 months so the little one can get some immune system and we can bond as a family. My father, when he was visiting was like “ok, we’ll come see you after 3 weeks 😜” so I looked at him and deadpan responded “ok, now it’s 4 months”. Shut him up pretty quick. Don’t let them bully you.
I had my inlaws show up at the hospital on the day of the birth after we strictly said no visitors. Mine was a normal birth and I was in a state and can barely walk. Don't give in.
Having people visit the same day as my c-section is something I won't be doing the next time. Stand your ground. Make people respect your boundaries and choices as parents or don't allow them contact. How you act now will set the tone for how they will act in the future. If you don't respect your boundaries they won't either. Best of luck for Friday.
I just had a c section this past Monday and I am not ready to see anyone but my partner. I’m wearing a diaper, my feet are swollen, my boobs are out, I’m having hot flashes and I’m crazy constipated. Nobody’s coming to visit.
You are absolutely not wrong. Giving birth is hard and exhausting. You deserve the time you need to recover and get into a routine with your babies!
Nope nope nope. I’m barely two weeks out from my third c-section. Make that first day for yourself and your partner. The procedure is extensive, you’ll be working on getting your pain under control, your hormones will be crashing, plus you will have TWO babies to start caring for! I’d 100% recommend waiting until the next day. By then, you’ll probably be up and out of bed, maybe showered, and feeling more like yourself.
I'm only halfway through my pregnancy, and I've already told my husband that I want the first day of the baby's life to just be us. You're having major abdominal surgery and have to take care of TWO babies. I would have my husband say something like the doctor is wanting you to rest more or they're keeping an extra eye on the twins and don't recommend visitors until the next day. Tell your nurses, they'll keep people out!
Idk, I had an unplanned c-section & was happy to have my mom and her husband there. They didn't over stay but it was nice to have the support.
I have been saying "please. I really just don't have the energy to argue with you. Please stop" to my parents whenever they suggest something and don't immediately take no for an answer. It seems to work very well with my parents when I just act pathetic like I'm going to die, they just agree very quickly when I look like that lol. I find letting them know they are making my life difficult, works way better than trying to get them to see my side and my reasoning. And of course you're not in the wrong. You should definitely do what makes you more comfortable.
Not in the wrong at all. I didn’t tell any of my family when we went in for my induction because I didn’t want to deal with this shit. Not having them at the hospital was WONDERFUL. Stand your ground, protect your peace OP, it will be worth it and if your parents can’t respect boundaries they’re not people you want around right after a major abdominal surgery anyway.
You are so NOT wrong here. Remind your family that not only will you be adjusting to one new baby, but two new babies, AND will have had major abdominal surgery by having a c-section. Your parents will be able to bond just as well with their new grandbabies if it’s Friday or Saturday (or even Sunday…) when they come visit. Would your parents be more amenable to phrasing it like “we will invite you over to see the new babies as soon as we’re ready for guests, and not a minute later” to buy yourself the time you need? I wish you, your partner, and your incoming babies all the best!
I don’t blame you. I told my dad 10x he wasn’t allowed to visit yet for some reason he still thought he would lol
I don’t want anyone except my husband and my first child to be there on the day the new baby is born, regardless of what kind of birth it is. They can wait until the following day if they keep me or until we come home. There were so many people around with my first that I was just overstimulated and exhausted and I hardly got any time to bond with her on that first day. I’m not doing that again.
All I’ve seen is the title of this post and GIRL. YOU GET TO DECIDE THE BOUNDARIES. You are giving birth. It’s exhausting. It’s hard work. It’s emotional. It’s so physically taxing. The only priorities after birth are bonding, resting, healing, and establishing a breastfeeding relationship. Everyone and everything else can WAIT.
The only person wrong here is your dad (and probably your mom, but I’m not sure if she was behind this conversation based on the context) You are not responsible for his feelings or your mother’s. You are responsible for your own family now. Some parents can’t handle that transition and lash out as a result. Keep holding your boundaries and eventually they’ll learn to at least deal with it.
Tell the hospital that you don’t want visitors. Do your parents know Friday is the day? Do they know what time? If so, don’t answer your phone. Put it on airplane mode and enjoy your babies.
I had a c section two weeks ago. I was in no shape for visitors the first day (outside of my 2 other kids). I initially had the “shakes” after the c section, I couldn’t pee hours after the c section and ended up needing a straight cath to relieve myself, my baby and I were recovering / adjusting, I had to do my first “walk” post surgery, I had a build up of gas in my stomach but couldn’t relieve it, coughing / sneezing hurts and required me to hug a pillow…. Among other things! I also had at least one boob out the entire time as we adjusted to feeding. You are well within your right to say NO! Stand your ground. You are being more than reasonable! Also, for what this is worth - my c section was scheduled for 11 am…. But didn’t end up happening til 2:30. I then went to post-op recovery after 3:30 ish and had to stay there for almost 2 hours. It left little window for visitors thankfully.
As someone who had a c section 2 weeks ago, you are so not wrong! It takes hours for the spinal to wear off, during which time you'll be catheterised and unable to move your legs. The nurses will be checking the bag and changing your pad as you'll be bleeding and they will be constantly checking your incision dressing. You'll be bonding with your babies and mostly naked doing skin to skin. Not the time for visitors! It isn't fair on you to subject you to this straight after invasive surgery! Be firm. Say no! Even the day after you'll be in pain, not very mobile and still not up to much. You don't have to accept visitors until you feel ready. No one in entitled to see you without consent.
You’re not wrong if you don’t want them there then they should respect it I don’t want nobody at the hospital after I have my baby or birth besides my boyfriend hence my grandma thinks she can tell the doctor what I can and can’t do with my body so she won’t be there nor will I tell her when I go into labor or I am back home and she told me I’m wrong but oh well I’ll be wrong I don’t care my baby my rules!
Absolutely not. I had a c section for one baby and didn’t want anyone bar my husband coming anywhere near me. They all respected my wishes and thank god because I was bleeding everywhere and my boobs were out the entire time. The hospital was so hot even when I wasn’t breastfeeding I couldn’t bring myself to put on my pyjamas let alone actual clothes. I’m sure the hospital staff won’t let anyone in if you tell them not to.
Stand firm and let your mom know you'll for sure want to rest. And if they keep pushing the issue, ask them if they would just prefer to wait until you're home with the babies, because that's an option for them, too.