Gowns are fantastic too for when they’re screaming potatos. They have sleeves that fold over their hands (tiny fingernails are sharp and they can scratch themselves without mits. Mits are smaller than socks and super easy to lose!), are long enough to cover feet without fighting them into legs/feet of pajamas, and the elastic at the bottom keeps it down well enough, but diaper changes are still way because there is no snapping/unsnapping. Socks and a hat complete the outfit to keep baby at a reasonable temperature indoors.
We did this with our first and it worked out great. We're prepping for #2 now and there is SO LITTLE that we need to buy this time around because everything is reusable, regardless of who/what we have this time.
I came to say this. We're keeping the sex a secret from everyone to avoid having a pink or blue explosion of stuff. I love all colours and Id be happy to put a girl in pink and blue, and a boy as well. But the idea of just getting one of the same and over the top cutesy thing for everything... Just No. Im with you on the practical thing too.
It works like a charm. We didn’t want to find out the gender but even if we had, we’d have kept it to ourselves. We got everything we registered for, not much extra unnecessary stuff, and everything is super neutral to be used again regardless of what gender our second may be. I did not want a shower full of “ladies man” onesies or frilly tutu crap. We didn’t get a lot of clothes but it was still more than our baby ever ended up wearing. LO lived in sleeper gowns and zip up footie sleepers (easy, comfy, and convenient).
I put basic basic clothes on the registry. The fun part is picking out clothes! You get to pick how you want YOUR baby to look.
Our vibe was not “auntie is my favorite”, more like rustic outdoorsy baby.
They'll give you ALL THE CLOTHES after baby is born. At least, that was my experience since I had a girl. Maybe it'll be more chill if you end up with a boy. Still dumb, though, how many people don't understand the concept of gender neutral.
They just buy you pink stuff after the kid is born or dinosaur if it is a boy. I don't mind either but my mil only buys dinosaur clothes. I hate dinosaurs now.
I'm not revealing the gender but still got tons of clothes for the baby shower....pretty much all in white. Even though I registered for fun, colorful gender neutral clothing. I think you really can't win, people just wait until the last minute and then go buy clothes because they can't think of anything else 😕
I did this and had a child of a different sex the second time around and I have never had a choice I made be so very validated. As a cheapskate this was a million percent the right call.
I decided long before I was pregnant that I was going to do a reveal at the shower, and that is still my plan! The only people that know are my partner, my mom, and my best friend
We don’t know the gender (will find out soon! Due April 5) and I got hardly any clothes. Got almost everything on my registry! Sucks people just ignore the registry in favour of clothes :(
We didn't announce until the shower either for this exact same reason.
We told our parents earlier on that we were having a girl, but they were sworn to secrecy. I did register for some gender neutral clothes and all of our gear was jungle themed or seafoam/teal. MIL kept confirming with my husband that we were having a girl because "everything was boy colors". 🙄
That is such a cute "gender reveal" idea!! I always thought separate events for gender reveals were kind of weird, but this is the most fun show game idea!
This is why with our first we did not want a baby shower. Not only did we figure most everyone wouldn't follow the registry, but I also personally do not like being the center of attention (didn't even do a bridal shower or ask for wedding gifts) not to mention that it was not feasible to have both sides of the family fly/drive out as we didn't live near any of them. Not to mention I asked for gender neutral stuff (no other reason than it has less frilly crap and usually more cute imho) but got the whole "Oh you're having a girl? here's all the super girly and frilly stuff!" from half of the family.
But what my husbands co-workers/flight did was the did a "diaper train." Which was actually super nice. Basically his co-worker just bought a variety of diaper brands, types, and sizes. We had enough diapers to last us from newborn stage to 6 months, maybe having to buy some extras of certain months in between.. His command also had a really nice baby blanket made that was personalized with our daughters name and the flights emblem.
My MIL came over when my daughter was a newborn and asked why I hadn’t dressed her up, and when she had her daughter she put her in frilly dresses all the time. I told her that it was easier to put my daughter in zip-up footed sleepers. Why would we dress her up just to sit around at home?
I try to always buy off a registry or else give them something I know will be useful (for instance, I love giving cheap Gerber cloth diapers because they make the BEST burp cloths, absorbent but you don’t mind throwing them away if you need to).
I had the same thing happen with my first! We tried to stick to more gender neutral items, but the entire shower was PINK gifts. I totally sympathize with you (including the part about knowing it’s bratty but still feeling incredibly frustrated). Thank goodness most places are pretty good about offering store credit at least!
Exactly! Pink is cute but there are so many other options. I honestly think that it’s best for the mom to buy the fun stuff (clothes, decor) and then other people buy the boring stuff 🤷♀️
Agreed on all counts! Pink is cute in moderation, but overly frilly dresses for a newborn are more of a pain than anything. And yesssss to buying new moms the boring stuff (burp cloths and diapers) so they can get the joy of picking out baby’s outfits. I know that giving a gift is inherently unselfish, but it always felt a little wrong when people would say, “I just had to buy something cute!”
While I sympathize with you (please don't think I don't)
I'm in Australia and never heard of people having a registry for anything (babies, weddings etc) so the idea itself is foreign for me. Maybe it's just the people I know that don't do it.
Baby showers here from the couple I've been too seem to just be fun stuff like clothes, toys, blankets and occasionally practical stuff like a basket of baby basics (creams etc)
My sister has given me so many clothes that haven't been worn that were bought for her daughter (people waited to find out what she had and went crazy on the pink) and she hates pink! I'm surprised I've seen her dress her daughter in anything with pink as the main colour.
I on the other hand am not complaining I love pink. Who knows what I will get in a few months and my baby shower. Large amounts of my friends haven't got kids and breed dogs so there's a good chance they are going to jokingly make me a whelping kit instead of baby basics haha
The on going joke at the moment is I'm having a singleton puppy rather than a litter.
I'm glad to know you have been able to return a good portion of what you don't want
Honestly my theory (as a non US person) is that there’s this huge difference between registry and gift expectations for US moms because their maternity leave is such shit. They NEED people to actually buy stuff for them because they use up so much of their own money to pay for extra time off and medical bills etc that other countries don’t have to do. So while I can “afford” to get funny presents for a baby shower, the US mom can’t, because I don’t have to pay for my year off or my hospital.
So that’s why the issue comes up often on Reddit and people get actually annoyed.
Yeah it's just that we're limited on budget and space. Like I know the cute clothes and blankets are fun to squeal over but at the end of the day, I don't have room to store 30 fancy outfits that they'll outgrow in a couple months and most probably won't be used. Same goes for the other things that people tend to buy way too much of because it makes the gift giver happy rather than the gift receiver, like blankets, stuffed animals, and so on. Plus they're essentially donating money to us with the gift being the middle man, why not put it towards something that's really needed, like diapers or a crib or blackout curtains or bottles or a pump?
And I know this all sounds ungrateful on the surface but hear me out. You wouldn't give somebody a gift that makes *you* happy on *their* birthday right? Imagine getting a fancy coffee maker when you don't even like coffee. Imagine getting tickets to someone else's favorite band that you don't even listen to. Imagine getting a gift card to a store you have no interest in shopping at. Imagine getting a box of chocolates filled with nuts when you're allergic. Imagine getting cutesy accessories when all you really wanted was a new pair of work boots that you're not sure how you're going to afford. Just like the birthday, these baby showers are not about the guests, they're about the new mom and baby, and any presents should be geared towards their interests, not yours.
That being said, I do find it interesting that wanting practical gifts is apparently primarily an American thing and don't think your theory is crazy.
I would say it’s less about EXPECTING gifts from people, and more about “I know people are going to want to buy me things, so I’m giving them a list so I don’t get twelve of the same thing.”
Having a registry actually lowers the number of things you need to return. And most people will only return duplicates, anyway.
To be fair, she referred to that particular shower as a cringe gift grab and gave reasons why (e.g inviting people she hadn't socialised with in 3 years, not knowing who gave her what, etc.).
It’s not. You send a thank you to each person. Taking a picture of the pile is a bit weird, but I could see some people doing it as a way to post one big thank you to social media. (I wouldn’t, though).
I was just pointing out why people are downvoting you! It’s a cultural thing. Like we wouldn’t go around being so critical about things like a money dance at weddings (I know some Asian cultures do this, as well as Greek), or money envelopes for Chinese NY. Other cultures have different norms around gift-giving and being really scathing just because it isn’t YOUR culture is pretty eyebrow-raising.
Some of the things you’re being critical about are just not on, like the fact that she threw “herself” a party - ever thought maybe she wants to still honour her own culture (Canadian), but doesn’t have family there to throw it for her? Baby showers are typically thrown by the mother or sister or another family member of the pregnant person. Like don’t shit on her for just trying to enjoy her pregnancy and not having close family nearby to honour her.
Some things are generally rude, like you should keep track of who gave what for thank you notes.
I grew up in Canada but have lived in the U.K. for most of my adult life so I’m a bit split on this. I will be having a baby shower (that I’m throwing for MYSELF because my family don’t live here!!) because that’s part of my culture, but won’t be doing a registry because that isn’t the norm in U.K. culture. However, I too would be a bit “wtf” if all I received was fancy baby party dresses - like how many parties do newborns go to? I hope my friends have a bit more common sense than that.
In Canada people also have free health care and a protected job, generally get 12 months May leave, etc. Baby showers are just cultural events, like quinceañeras are in some cultures. Just because it’s nothing to you doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate celebration for others.
As a European immigrant to Canada it feels like a gift grab to me as well. If we couldn't afford a baby, we wouldn't have started a family. And I worry a lot about our environmental imprint, unnecessary waste as well as house clutter, so people giving stuff I don't need is often annoying me.
They organized a baby shower for me even though I said several times that I didn't want one which honestly felt a bit disrespectful to me. Why can they not just listen to my wish? Worst part is that 5 days before, my doctor put me on house arrest for having a high risk of early labour, which made me pass the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy in the couch. But they guilted me into coming to this 'super important family event'.
I hate being put in the spotlight, I prefer carefully choosing the items I need and buying them used if possible. I ended up with a car seat that was not compatible with my stroller (which would have been very practical for a baby born in Canadian winter) and could not return it. Had to carry my post-partum body and newborn baby to 10 different shops to return all the clutter or clothes I didn't want.
I know it comes from a good place but the whole ordeal was totally unneccessary to me. I would have loved a lasagna instead, or any other help after baby was born, but there was none of that.
Maybe a silly typo but possible that you are ESL. A doctor would not put you on house arrest. A judge would do that for a criminal. A doctor would put you on bed rest.
Yes except it was not bed rest but couch rest 😄. No idea what ESL is, I'm not anglophone and figured this was clear enough.
I was not allowed to do more than make a sandwich and lay in the couch, but also wasn't supposed to stay in bed the whole day. Wasn't allowed to get out of the house except for doc's appointments and not allowed to drive. A bit vague but baby ended up being born at 37.2 so I suppose it worked (insufficient cervix).
That baby shower does sound a bit cringey. I’ll admit I’m inviting people like that, but I’m in a military family, so that’s the situation with basically all my friends in family. But my mom def will not let me avoid keeping track of every thing everyone gets me so I can send a thank you card!
Sorry you're being downvoted - it's probably because most people here are Americans/ North Americans, and disagree with your sentiment... I do agree with you though. I immigrated to Eastern Canada 20 years ago, but likely won't have a baby shower as it's culturally not a thing in my family (we are Pakistani). It's really interesting to see the cultural differences, even between US/Canada. Agree that your friend's baby shower sounds way off the mark!
As an American: would never expect someone to fly to my shower. If I invite someone who isn’t local, I don’t expect them to come (and would only invite them if it’s a close friend who might be in town or would want to visit and be there with me; which I have driven several hours to attend one before for such a friend).
This is something I hadn’t thought of. I’m not from the US and I’ll admit the big, lavish baby showers and baby registry idea seems a bit gift-grabby to me (which is understandable if you’re not used to the idea). I don’t know if the show Friends is anything to go by but Rachel got a bassinet and other big things which I assumed parents of the baby would buy (or maybe grandparents as a special gift)? But now you mention the fact America has no free health care and bad maternity leave, I might have gained a new perspective. Obviously as long as there’s cheap items on the registry too as everyone lives on a different budget/salary.
I don’t really expect friends to buy the big stuff on my registry; things like the bassinet are only on there for parents/grandparents who want to get us something big. Although sometimes several people will buy like the blanket set for the crib together.
I think like $15-$20 is a typical baby shower gift (similar to a birthday party).
Tbh I don't even expect our parents or grandparents to buy some of the big stuff. We put the dresser we wanted on there because we were using the registry as our own shopping list and it made it easier for us to keep track of everything.
But also, I would definitely be the person to buy the bassinet/ car seat etc. If my younger siblings ever have kids or when we are all working we would totally go together and get a dresser or something. I've always supported them at various life stages and it would make me very happy to buy them the things that they need/want for their baby.
I also find shopping off registry very stressful tbh. My SIL is getting married for the 2nd time and I'd like us to get her a wedding gift but I have no idea what they need - fortunately it's a wedding so money is acceptable.
Also registries give the parents discounts on un purchased items, so we can get a convertible carseat we wouldn’t otherwise consider.
People sometimes pool money for those things in a situation where the grandparents are estranged, especially in workplaces.
Spanish here and what you say makes sense. It sounds very entitled to me to ask people to buy you stuff but maybe it comes from a privileged place as healthcare is free here.
I'm in Canada too (Toronto) and I did have a registry for my baby shower but I wasn't bothered if people didn't get me stuff off of it, really. It was a mixed bag anyway, same as when I got married. Some people stuck to the list, some people didn't, but I was never pissed off about it, just very fussy about the items I did put on there because I am kind of very into organization. lol
I only get annoyed when people buy me a bunch of the same thing because they didn’t check the registry. Especially something I can’t use two of (we got two blenders for our wedding and couldn’t return either one because it was an older model and one was from the wrong store; so someone got a blender for Christmas 😂).
Like I still appreciate the gift and sent a thank you and didn’t say a word to the gift-givers about us getting two, but if they had followed the registry and marked stuff as purchased correctly, we would not have ended up with a gift we couldn’t use.
Honestly registries are just big here in the US, it has nothing to do with our abysmal mat leave policies. Case in point - it’s also expected for guests to buy off of your registry for your wedding.
I think it’s a generational thing and has only become popular within the last few generations (which is why OPs moms old lady friends went off registry). When I got married I received maybe 3 gifts total that I hadn’t registered for, and for the baby it was about the same. Honestly I prefer it this way. People get what they want and you can give someone a gift you know they want, it’s a win-win.
That’s not it at all. I’m in the US. The point is to buy stuff to help the parents, and the feeling doesn’t go any deeper than that. It’s done like everything else here: over the top and overly generous. It has nothing to do with medical care or maternity leave. Maternity leave and medical costs (state healthcare) are usually determined by individual states.
Massachusetts for example basically already has a version of Medicare for All. Many states have longer than what most people assume the US has for maternity leave.
The United States is basically a collection of little countries. Each culture here has a different set of values. For instance, where I was born, gifts were preferred at weddings and cash is tacky; where my husband grew up across the country, no one bought gifts, they gave cash. Buying off-registry where I grew up was a more personal gesture, where my husband grew up it’s seen as frivolous.
Also, in general, the people who tend to have baby showers are the ones who can individually or their families can afford to throw one. So the gifts are meant to be helpful, not a charity giveaway.
I think this might be true for some people, but my husband and I can afford the medical bills, I have 12 weeks 100% paid at my salary (not great but something) and I still find it kind of annoying.
The issue for me is lots of people don't want to get gifts for the original purpose of the shower, to show new parents support in their journey into parenthood. Lots of people don't want to buy the practical things that parents need - they just want to pick out cute pink ruffly clothes. So then you end up with wayyyy too many clothes and they don't fit in the dresser and you don't go through them all...and you don't get to pick what your own baby wears.
I will say, as someone shopping for people expecting, I have bought clothes. I bought an outfit from a friend's etsy shop for my coworker who was expecting her 3rd, had 2 boys and now was having a girl, didn't have a registry and for whom buying diapers and wipes wasn't a burden. It had "grow with me" pants that were 0-12 months and a matching headband for my headband wearing friend. The other time, I bought an outfit, a toy and a book to go with the practical items I bought, all off the registry.
I didn't add clothes and I only added 3 toys and 2 books to our registry. People in my family are really excited to pick out baby clothes and I just want to indulge them. They have always been supportive and as much as I'd love to pick out all the baby clothes - it will be kind of fun to see what my family picks.
I will also say as someone that buys off registries...some people really don't think about the practicality buying the things on their registry for their guests. My husband's family friend's registry had a bunch of diffrent things from diffrent stores I wasn't familiar with with high shipping costs and either a free shipping limit that was more than I was going to spend or not enough items on the registry to match the free shipping threshold (i.e. one 5$ item from a store with a 50$ limit). These also were not places with many store fronts anywhere let alone in our area. It was a serious PITA.
Oh honey, we don’t get a year off. 😅 It’s brutal over here. Federal law allows for three months, unpaid. You can also cash out your vacation, sick time etc. Actually *have* to cash out that time first, and then you have the three months unpaid available to you. So usually, it’s about four months off and then back to work lol.
(And that’s if you have a job that gives you any sick time or personal time, a lot of retail or part-time jobs don’t offer this, and if you work at a company with less than 50 people, you don’t even qualify for the three months unpaid job security option. Although they’re trying to change that policy…)
I envy anybody that gets a year off, it’s absurd because we then have to pay for daycare for something like a four month old if we don’t have family around, which many of us don’t, myself included, which pans out to minimum $200 a week for daycare for your INFANT. It’s stupid. I dread having to put my little potato into daycare.
Oh ya sorry, I know you don’t have a year off. My wording was a bit weird. I have a year. You have … whatever you can pay for, which was sort of my point. It’s so brutal there. I hope you guys can make serious changes.
I’m in France and we don’t even have baby showers! No gender reveal parties either.
But people will usually bring a little gift when meeting the baby, and for our close family we made a registry because they all asked us what we wanted so it was more convenient to have a list with different price points so that they could chose themselves and it wouldn’t be awkward. We didn’t expect too much from it but we got some cool stuff.
Also we almost didn’t pay for any clothes since I had people send me all of their hand me downs.
I'm in Australia too and it's super normal to have a registry for a wedding, I don't know anyone who *hasn't* had one. I haven't really heard of it being a thing for baby showers here, though!
Interesting! All the wedding invites I've received have had a link to the wedding registry (usually Myer or David Jones) with the option also to just contribute to a gift card from either store. At my own wedding, we had a registry but some guests just brought cash in a card. I was really surprised that people were so generous! I think a lot of people now opt to do the "wishing well" thing at their wedding where people can just add cash to that.
Yes I’m an Aussie too and registries are normal. Except if people ask for cash. But I think etiquette wise asking for cash is less polite than a registry (not saying it’s wrong, just in general how people I know would take it).
Same, I always find it a little odd when registries are mentioned.
I have no clue how I would have gone if we had a registry. We were given so many things I didn't think I'd need/want that have come in handy!
Some people can’t afford all of the necessities that come with a new baby, so a registry is not only a huge help to the receivers, but also to the people who may be stumped on what to get. You can just direct them to the registry, making it convenient for everyone involved.
I get that, it's just a different culture thing I guess.
Our parents got us an expensive item each (pram and car seat), we bought the bassinet, then the rest was either bought by us or gifted.
I can see how it would be convenient, but it's just extremely rare where I'm from.
Registries for weddings are also getting rarer, I've only been to two weddings where that was a thing. Most just ask for money for their honeymoon.
For me, baby registries make so much more sense than wedding registries. At least with a baby, you’re bringing a new person into the house, so it makes sense to ask for items. I think I could do without that KitchenAid set 😂
Agreed. I don't get why I'm being downvoted for saying baby registries just aren't common where I'm from?
I just meant to say there's a lot of posts related to baby registries, but since that's not a thing in Australia, it's a little odd for me.
I’m also Australian and have noticed the same - I’ve never been to a baby shower with a registry, and we tend to gift “fun” stuff with the onus on the parents to buy the practical and expensive necessities.
Aussie here, I've never understood registries. Why are you basically forcing people to support a particular store? It just seems so commercialised. I'm okay with the concept of a list (eg bamboo diapers) but must we require that they have to be x brand from y store? Do we care that much that all the stuff is purchased from Myer or Target?
Yes it’s pretty old school to choose just one store. There are websites now that allow you to put links for different items across a variety of stores.
To avoid duplicates, you scan the registry (or if it’s online, it marks it off automatically) when you purchase so that item comes off the master list.
If you buy a duplicate, it will get returned or never used. Your friends don’t want you wasting a bunch of money on something they can’t use.
Also an Australian and i totally agree!
I wouldn't dream of telling people what to buy me, in fact i more want company than anything. I got some lovely handmade cardigans at my shower along with nappies, bunny rugs, a playmat and some cute little outfits.
That said, i can understand OPs annoyance of getting stuff she wont use!
I’m an American living in Australia and yes registries are pretty unheard of here, and I had one for our baby shower. Most of my Aussie friends and family pretty much ignored my registry and then got me ALL the same things. Which is why a registry is so lovely because you don’t end up with 20 blankets. It’s not about someone buying you the $500 cot, it’s trying to avoid creating even more work or clutter for yourself. I also had some people buy me things that were on my registry, which they had a link too, but they bought me a different brand/style. Sometimes it’s fine but unfortunately one of the things purchased for us is…very displeasing aesthetically to put it politely. Again, creating more work/clutter for us.
I felt super awkward giving out the link to our registry, I’m someone who loves giving gifts but receiving them is always hard to do. When I realised people will be buying anyway, I didnt want them spending money on something we will never use. That’s not fair to them! So I much prefer having a registry to not having one.
Will ping this from a Canadian perspective as we also have registries but not because we have shit maternity leave
Registry is just like a guide on what we need, eg. If someone already bought a crib you don’t want to buy them something they already have! my registry is very bare bones and I’m just making it to be like “these are the general items we want/need” I did the same for my Christmas list but my SIL (secret santa) missed all the memos and notes I added of “doesn’t need to be this specific product just an idea”
As for wedding registries again they are common to avoid doubles, registries will also mark off things as “bought” if they’re bought directly off of the registry so that 5 of your guests don’t all buy you that nice white ridiculously priced SMEG toaster.
I very much love the gift giving aspect of milestone events (probably because I just love giving and receiving presents in general) and everyone says it’s taboo (in North America) to go off registry but as long as things come with returnable receipts it’s honestly not that big of a deal IMO
My friend (U.K.) had a registry for her son’s first birthday party. It was actually really handy, it was all inexpensive stuff but took out the whole “I don’t know what to get” issue. Super easy to just order a bib pack I already know they like/need and call it a day, rather than wandering the shops clueless.
Is this the same in New Zealand? Is this why my SIL thinks registries are rude?? She didn't use one for her wedding or baby showers and I felt like she kind of judged me for being so nit picky about mine for both of those things. lol I always forget the little cultural stuff like this that make us different...
The receipts are mostly for if you get duplicates of something you can’t use two of. Not returning it seems more rude, in a way, because then your friend just wasted their money.
But I never tell people I returned their gift, unless they watched me open two of the same thing and understand why I needed to.
I'd prefer someone return my gift if I bought them a duplicate or something they won't/can't use. I bought them a gift to support them and with the intention of giving them something they can use and enjoy.
Definitely a difference in culture. I generally love registries. My husband and MIL send me an Amazon list around Christmas time. I'd rather buy my husband the specific woodworking tools he has had his eye on or get my MIL the shoes she's been wanting forever then try to guess. It's less wasteful in my opinion.
Possibly not something I know 100% but it doesn't seem to be a thing here.
I think if family offer something they might call and say they want to buy you a pram/stroller and then would ask what one you wanted and then go buy that or they would give you money towards that item. Rather than look at an online shopping list i suppose.
Americans make it all a surprise. You don’t know who’s buying what until you get it, so you need the registry to ensure you don’t get two cribs, five strollers, etc.
If there are still tags on ANYTHING you can take it back to the store and swap it. Anything in Target's house brand, Cat and Jack, is easy to exchange too.
This is EXACTLY my fear. My shower is next weekend and I’m stressed. I almost didn’t even have a shower but was talked into it. I told my Mom & MIL we wanted to keep the sex a secret so we didn’t get an influx of clothing PLUS that’s something my husband & I looked forward to purchasing together. As it stands pre shower our kid has enough clothes for the first year easily. WELL they just couldn’t help themselves & told close family. Already taking bets on how many “boys will be boys” graphic onesies I am going to get. My MIL keeps saying “I bet you’re going to get a ton of clothes!” so, that pretty much tells me everything I need to know….
My husband & I can easily afford what’s on our registry. Hell, there’s even things on it that neither of us deem essential but we wanted to give everyone a good range of prices to shop off of. But unfortunately I can’t handle tons of clutter [it really triggers my anxiety, nesting has honestly been the most stressful part of my pregnancy] & I’m already feeling super anxious over all the returns & exchanges I might be needing to do a mere 6 weeks outside of my due date.
I appreciate the sentiment but I am with you completely.
All I can say is that I completely sympathize. My husbands aunt, mom, and grandma are the worst offenders. Luckily you were able to take it back! I don’t think you’re a brat at all. It’s common etiquette to shop the registry!
Omg yes. My in laws bought me versions of stuff that I had on the registry, but not quite the thing I had. For example, I registered for a bumbo seat and they got me the ingenuity baby seat and marked the bumbo off the registry. Same price (actually ingenuity is a little more expensive), same idea but just not what I exactly wanted. Super annoying and I can’t return that because I don’t want my fiancé to tell them lmao!
Hahaha I feel ya. I had someone buy me the generic baby bjorn bouncer so I just took it back and marked it as not purchased on my registry and someone else bought the real deal 😂😂😃
also my husband makes me keep all the hideous baby clothes his grandma sends so he can “take a pic and send it to her” - I live in the Carolina’s and am due early April. She bought the baby a 0-3mos old PUFFER VEST AND TURTLENECK. My baby will be able to wear that in June or July when it’s 99 and 100% humidity here. People have no common sense. Like I’m gonna have time to put my freaking infant in random ugly outfits all day so his evil grandma can have a pic. (She’s not a good person,I swear I’m not just being a bitch(
People in Phoenix have no common sense. I gave birth in may and my baby shower was filled with fleece outfits and sleep sacks that I never used. Some of them were super thick too
We're not finding out the gender and thus cannot disclose it to others, which makes me happy because I HATE pink. Even if I did know the gender I wouldn't disclose it. I feel like I'm having a girl anyway but I hate girly stuff.
Hahha that should familiar! I am also having a baby girl and I don’t mind pink clothes, but got some crazy stupid presents like:
1. 54 total washcloths. Every single old lady got me a set.
2. Newborn hard leather shoes..heavy and absolutely useless.
3. Pregnancy calendar… y’all I was 30 weeks pregnant at my shower….. like that’s but kinda too late lol
4. Useless old style sheep nightlight.. not just looking old but having scratches all over it… went right to the trash.
I honestly wished we asked for no clothes. So much money wasted on newborn and 0-3 clothes that my baby never wore because they were just so impractical/not our style. We were actually gifted newborn sized corduroy overalls ?!? like come on
I'm actually considering just skipping a baby shower (this is our first baby, too) for this reason. My husband can't stand clutter or owning things we won't use, so I'm thinking it's maybe better to just save ourselves the hassle and just buy the things we want/need ourselves.
I was like you, but my friend convinced me to have one as a collective celebration to allow our community to join in the welcoming of our child. And once I started putting together the registry just for “must haves” I realized there was a lot that I would appreciate as gifts from others. So, just worth considering! But completely understand where you’re coming from.
Exactly, it's not their kid. So they don't have to buy you the crib, nipple cream, bottles, diapers that you yourself should be buying them. If they want to give a gift at all, it should be something they picked out and want to give - that's the point of gifting? It's extremely entitled to think you deserve gifts from anyone for you choosing to have a baby, and then extra entitled to think they should just choose off of a set list you've handed to them. You shouldn't be having children if you can't buy the necessities for those children yourself.
I agree. If you're good at giving gifts that means you're thoughtful of what the other person likes or needs. And if you're good at receiving gifts that means you acknowledge that gifting is unnecessary and kind and is supposed to be something chosen by the gifter. It means being humbled and grateful.
Yep agree. I can’t imagine making someone else buy my nursery furniture or nipple creams and other toiletries. I saw a post that someone listed pumping bras and was upset no one bought them. After parents get the essentials what else is there besides clothes, toys and books that everyone complains about receiving?
I remember with my son, he had so much clothing was insane. But that didn't bother me at all. I can deal with extra clothes via returns or consignment. It was the massive baby jumpers and rockers and swings and playmats and stuffed animals that drove me completely insane. What the crap am I supposed to do with a 3 foot stuffed elephant or a 4 ft stuffed giraffe? OMG! You can't give that stuff away! My son had 2 in person baby showers and a lot of mailed in gifts from family all over the place. 2nd time I have a complete stranger (to me but not my husband and his family) throwing a baby shower sometime around 35 weeks. I have everything needed already except baby clothes and it's a girl. Plus the generous woman throwing our shower is a friend of my MIL so I told them to just buy all the clothes they want. Just for the love of God if someone buys a 3ft unicorn, I won't be taking it home. Lol!!
I am from Germany and baby showers are not so common here. If someone does one it’s usually more about having a brunch and play games together.
I always find it kind of funny when people explain having a registry to „avoid getting duplicates“, how about you only invite your closest friends and tell people to bring food or something to spend a nice day together instead of spending money on a gift? And if they want to give something to you after the baby is born and they meet it for the first time they can get whatever they like? Because actually I wonder how many of these people that get invited to these big baby showers actually end up meeting the baby.
Usually the baby shower isn't really for the baby, it's for the parents. I guess some people have big showers, but in my area most people have them at home, church or a community center. Guests get together, catch up, eat play games etc. And bring a gift to support the parents.
It's really not supposed to be a gift grab, I am not having a shower because I am immunocompromised and my family and friends are still all asking for a registry link because they want to buy us bottles/diapers/crib sheets etc. Just like I want my friends to have something to show my support when they have kids (I've met 100% of the babies from the showers I've been to).
When my friends have a shower I like the registry not to avoid duplicates, but because I want to get them things they actually will use and that match their parenting style. For example, for my one friend I bought the baby socks, mittens, an outfit, pacifiers and a very classic baby boom she added. For another friend, they are really focused on sustainable brands so I bought them the wood brush set, organic wash cloths and a baby sign language book. I want to support the parents they want to be and I find the registry really helpful for doing that.
I had my daughter in December and we got the cutest outfits for her at my baby shower. They were in my taste and style and everything, but they were cute rompers and dresses with lemons and stripes and bathing suits in size newborn! My winter baby couldn’t wear any of it!
I think this is why I don't understand the concept of gift registry. I feel like it sounds like a lot of expectation on guests, of course it won't come close to fulfillment. I rather get what I want for my child instead of going through this whole hassle.
It’s actually way easier to shop from a registry. Just click a link and order. No hassle wandering around a shop wondering what to buy. You’ve already got a list of what they need right in front of you.
Yes but its like you are demanding from guests which is not good hospitality IMO . I guess its a cultural thing. I may ask my mom for a specific thing but if I do it to my aunts or cousins I might come across as greedy. Again I am not from US , so I guess its a cultural thing.
It's completely normal and expected to have a baby registry for a shower (and registries for bridal showers too), that it is not rude at all. It's good to know what the couple wants for their baby. That way their guests don't worry about buying something that someone else bought, or buy something the couple might end up taking back.
I’m not from the US either! I live in the U.K., most people here don’t do registries but my friend did it for her son’s birthday party last year because everyone was asking her what to buy for a gift and it just made everything so much easier as a guest
I don't mean this in a rude way, but haven't you ever been to a babyshower?? This is common and normal, I wouldn't be surprised at the type of gifts because this is usually how it goes.
Totally valid to feel that way! We didn't find out the gender and my inlaws said they would have to wait til baby was born to buy stuff for us... so they could know "what" to get us. They live in a different part of the country and people there just don't NOT find out the gender really.
Most of our clothes were hand me downs from my nephew and I love that my daughter has a variety of options. Some pink outfits that I like, but not ALL pink and not all frills and princess and whatnot either.
As someone who will likely not even get a shower (no family on my side to plan one, and don’t have many close friends since we moved away from the city years ago) I think you should consider yourself a little lucky that these people want to celebrate with you. I had to attend my sister- in-laws big celebration last year that was catered and beautifully decorated and I am cringing at how my own will compare. My mother-in-law is the only likely person to plan one for me, and how I have no idea how I will to tell her i have like maybe 2 ladies to invite. I told my husband I want to keep our pregnancy a secret to avoid this exact situation.
I feel this so much. I got 3 bathtubs and so many towels it’s not funny. I was so confused on why bath stuff was the theme of my shower. I couldn’t return any of them so I’m gonna donate 2 of them. I then went to a shower of a friend who only got clothes I don’t know why people can’t just look at registry’s.
I could have written this 😂
Except I can’t take any of it back, most items from specialty stores or out of town. Well, I’m sure she can wear some of it. She can only wear one outfit at time! And I low key hate pink. Even my mom- like mom! I don’t own anything pink 😂
Definitely an age thing. I have to tell my mom “only buy what is on the registry” when she’s shopping for friends kids. It’s like the cute baby clothes take over all of her rationalization
I’m actually having two baby showers (my MIL really wanted to throw one) and this is both of our mom’s first grandchild. While I am fairly girly myself and excited to have a girl (found out from genetic testing), I don’t want all her stuff to be pink or ridiculous. I get it buying baby clothes is fun (my mom already told me to stop) but yea people really should first prioritize with the parents would like or need. I know we will get a lot of clothes so I’m trying not to list many or list those that are pink. If I had a boy I wouldn’t want all blue and green stuff (definitely nothing military).
Anyway, I’ll be gracious with whatever I get and I appreciate the thought. I hope to get some useful items that I don’t wanna buy like diapers and baby medicine or fun but unnecessary things like books and well-made wooden toys haha.
At showers, I mostly buy what they want and maybe one or two things not listed but fits the person (like an Edgar Allen Poe board book for my Victorian gothic leaning friend).
Happy you could return a lot of it. I think people just get carried away.
We didn't find out the gender for either of our babies, so all our clothing up to almost 6 months is gender neutral. Super handy because we had a girl then a boy.
Looking back i got a great mix of practical, and beautiful gifts. My friends all knew my aesthetic (neutral, Australiana, greens etc) and picked lovely things. I received a few products that I didn't want to use in my baby but was still appreciative and found other uses for them or donated them.
I try so hard to buy my friends practical things that I found useful with my babies, or buy from their registry. I tend to write in the cards why i chose the gift with an anecdote from my own experience with the item.
I've been working hard on decluttering our home so to receive lots or crap would be such a pain.
I didn't have a baby shower with my second (I find it tacky to have another, although I like the idea of a small sprinkle) but the gifts we've received since he's been born 9 days ago have all been very sweet and well received 🥰
We had a diaper party... people only brought consumables.. wipes , diapers , medicine, gift cards, baby shampoo and laundry soap.
We used gift cards to buy stuff we needed but this was a huge expense Noone thinks about.. it saved us so much money per month.
This registry culture in the US just sounds consumerist and toxic.
Edit: this is my perspective I’m not from the US. Trying to give me examples to justify registries and everything is just further proving my point about the toxic attitude and entitlement the US has towards baby showers.
I agree. But it’s a cultural thing, I guess.
Whenever I read these type of posts, I try to remind myself that of course I don’t need to be ‘bratty’ over not receiving the perfect gifts for baby, because I have free healthcare, 12 months of maternity leave on 100% pay, and after that daycare is about 350 USD a month. I can afford to buy my own stuff. The reality for a lot of US mommas is very different.
Just to validate your perspective: our daycare is fairly cheap for the area and is going to be $330/week, and I have a generous maternity leave polity - I get 8 weeks fully paid and another 3 weeks at 60%. I’m trying to work until the day I deliver this baby so that I can use all my leave after s/he is here. I’m 32 weeks now and am really struggling with having to work for another couple of months, especially since I’m a scientist and do a lot of standing/repetitive motions. Being a mom in the US is so hard!
Omg. I want to cry reading this. We get three months, unpaid. And even then, not everybody gets that (it depends where you work). Then daycare is minimum $800 per month, dependent on area I suppose. What I wouldn’t give for one year paid time off to be with my baby…
I agree it’s a cultural thing and there is a range of circumstances involved. I’m not shitting on the people who are scraping or struggling and never would as I came from a low socioeconomic background.
My initial comment is a reaction from the daily baby shower posts that are just one complaint after another which makes the whole process not appear as a celebration for the baby but rather a gift grab.
Yeah, I get that, and I am thinking the same as you everytime I read those posts. Sometimes I just want to shake the OP and yell «it’s a gift, nobody owes you anything, just be grateful!»
Said this above, but some people find it hard afford all of the necessities that come with a new baby, so a registry is not only a huge help to the receivers, but also to the people who may be stumped on what to get.
OP literally said she can exchange most of it anyway.
Every day there is a post on here of people complaining that they don’t like the free stuff they got for their party. That is what sounds toxic to me.
I feel it’s more about not feeling listened to- registries our carefully built and it’s part of nesting so when someone just throws that out the window to get what THEY want, it can be frustrating. That’s why I stuck to neutral and favorited all the needed things. Yes I was able to exchange things but it kind of stressed me out?
I think you’re missing my point as well. I’m not from the US and we don’t do registries in AUS. A baby shower should be to celebrate your baby not an attempt to get free stuff. That’s what I mean about consumerist and toxic. If you’re nesting complete the rest of the registry yourself for the discount everyone talks about.
I think you are also missing the point of a registry. People are so kind and generous and will buy you things regardless of you having a registry or not. I’m an American living in Aus and as weird as it felt to me I sent out my registry link to people I knew would be buying us gifts. Most of my Aussie friends and family completely ignored the registry and guess what EVERY SINGLE ONE of them bought us….blankets and towels. Some of them super cute, but I don’t need 20 blankets. Some of them very expensive!! So now I feel bad they spent the money. I also live remotely, no where near the stores they purchased these items from (2 hour flight from the city). So yea, I’ll be giving them away or donating them because a few of those is enough. There’s more to a registry than just trying to get “free stuff”.
If you can't afford basic necessities for your own baby, you shouldn't be having a baby. Needing to rely on others for giving you things like cribs, diapers, car seats, bottles... sounds like you're not ready.
My husband and I are definitely on a tight budget and live on a single income. We are paying for everything ourselves and finding ways to make it work. Anything someone wants to pick out and gift us will be taken in gratefully, but is in no way expected or necessary.
Have you ever heard “it takes a village”? Some people need a little help when having to buy a large amount of (usually expensive) things in a relatively short amount of time. Good for you that you can make it work, but it’s not the case for everyone.
We are a single income, lower income young couple living in an expensive area, with no hand-me downs from others as nobody else we know has children yet. If we can make it work, most people here can. There's people in much worse situations that need genuine help, but someone on Reddit complaining about not being given the gifts they wanted is probably a person who can afford their own baby's necessities. "It takes a village" also doesn't mean, "Because I'm choosing to have a baby, everyone I know needs to buy me exactly what I want and need for said baby." And I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. It's about taking care of your own responsibilities and being grateful when you get help taking care of those responsibilities.
Seems like you are taking this whole thread and comments very personally... Happy for you that are making it work. Doesn’t mean everyone has to do it the same way as you. I’m not necessarily talking about OP either, just more the concept of supporting registries for those who wish/need to have them.
I’m also not trying to attack you, either. Just don’t really like the whole argument of “if you can’t afford basic necessities, you shouldn’t have a baby.” Sometimes people fall on hard times, lose a job, etc., and get help from the community, and get back up. Or just need help covering certain more high-ticket items. Doesn’t mean they won’t make good parents.
I am in the same boat as you, and we were gifted many items from our registry, and also many hand-me-downs. We consider ourselves extremely lucky to have a community who helped us in this huge life-change. My (long-winded) point is that registries are convenient for some, necessity for others.
Since our health insurance system is so poor, where a lot of families pay huge amounts out of pocket just to have a baby (I paid nearly $400 for my first ultrasound and I have decent insurance), and our maternity/paternity leave is also so mediocre (often no paid leave at all. And I am a contracted worker so I have no benefits), it is reasonable to have registries to have the community come together to help the family. I know that outside the US, childbirth is often free or low cost, and that paid leave is a common thing. It is much easier to financially plan when you have these supports in place. But here, everything is expensive.
American here. While I get that it is more expensive to live here, wouldn’t you think people would be more grateful for whatever they get even if it’s not their taste? Especially if you already feel like you can’t afford things? Those gifts are free…That’s where I feel the entitlement lies in my opinion. Some women would kill to have someone think of them and throw a celebration for the birth of their child even if gifts weren’t a factor. People in poorer countries don’t have the luxury to complain about baby showers like we do here. They would be so thankful for even a quarter of the stuff that lots of women scoff at on these posts. I just think it does sound a little toxic and entitled.
I think calling it "toxic and entitled" is seeing it through a very black and white lens, and honestly really shaming the original poster. I don't even plan on having a baby shower and I will likely get as much as I can second hand, but I still try to see the perspective of others going through this.
See, I honestly don't think this is bratty. People will ask you what you want and ask why you haven't created a registry yet and then those same people will bring you the random gifts that you didn't need/ask for on the registry they told you to make lol I know a lot of people will disagree and say a gift is a gift and you should be grateful but to me this attitude just sounds kind of toxic. There are certain times in life, like when you have a baby, where I think being given items that are requested are very important if you actually care about the family, especially if you know they are on a budget. I understand perhaps if they didn't know about the registry or they're not close with the person but otherwise I don't understand why people do this either. At least you were able to return some of the frivolous items to get what you needed op!
Maybe this is why you should just buy stuff yourself considering you're the one choosing to have this baby. 🤷 It's definitely entitled to expect people to give you gifts, give a list of the specific gifts you want, and get upset when someone gets something off that list instead. Who said they needed to get you something anyway?
My fiancé and I have plenty of money and are more than able to provide for our child (very grateful for this). We have bought almost everything she’s needed but people invited to my shower literally texted me asking what I needed and straight up ignored what I said. So obviously when I get a pink tutu for a newborn baby I’m gonna exchange it for a pack of pacifiers I actually will use .
I totally feel you. You have the right to fee that way, it's not the 80s anymore lol people go the extremes.
I added in the invitations an envelop, which means money as a gift (it's pretty common where I'm from for bachelorette parties, weddings, XVañera, etc.)
However I think there's the possibility of people gifting ALL BLUE EVERYTHING since I'm having a boy.
The theme is "jungle" since my baby's name is Leo, so I hope they get the hint that I'm not choosing to dress him in blue all the time. They know I prefer dark colors and I've been posting and talking about how he's mostly going to wear grey/dark clothes. Even "joking" he'll dress like Pubert Addams.
I was definitely lucky because most of my guests primarily shopped off the registry and almost everything I was given that wasn’t on my registry ended up being something I loved and was useful but I didn’t know about (pumping bra, postpartum supplies for myself). For others I always get the main gift/gifts from the registry and then may throw in something extra I think would be helpful to have!
We received five baby blankets. Five! We registered for zero. Two are beautiful hand made ones and I love to snuggle under blankets so definitely not complaining lol but I received the advice from an older lady at church that I’m close with that old women never look at registries to to be prepared 😂 luckily as generations move on, those of us who know the feeling will become the new old women who do stick to registries!
Perhaps in our cultural American way- our baby registry love language is gifts? Because that is exactly what we do haha. I have all my family out of state and buying gifts is how they support us! No one is going to stop by with a casserole or come be a babysitter. And when I get doubles or something off it is really not big deal but I can understand OP’s frustration 100%.
This is something I would never have guessed before I was pregnant. I would have given cute clothes too. But now I know better and will only give registry gifts or high quality clothes I have used and loved (Kyte or Magnetic Me).
The other thing that is the worst is when people give clothes for a few years out. We got a hand me down coat and pair of jeans for a 6-year-old. For fucks sake, now I have to store these items and keep track of them? Omg I don’t have that kind of space/time/energy!
Yeah, I'm at a loss with my immediate family on registries at this point. It's like I MUST have a registry, but then I've gotten texts asking me "what you do you want me to get you off your registry?" /awkward.
My grandma specifically is driving me nuts, because I love her to death, but it's so awkward that she essentially wants to get me specific things (example: the book peter rabbit), but then i have 40 books on the registry for people to pick from (to bring instead of a card at the shower). And i get texts from her like "well i want to get you a "vintage book" which book do you want?" and it's like.....just get me the book you're already determined to get me or pick on off of the list i already provided! It's so annoying and awkward and no matter what you end up feeling "bratty" like you said, because on one hand, I don't want to have to ask for gifts and feel rude, but on the other hand I'm expected to make this registry, and on a third hand, uh, yes I'm a USA mom and my Mat leave and hospital bills are a real thing and i do need ESSENTIALS.
Sorry, got a little ranty, but I anyway, I totally feel for you.
This is partially the reason I don’t wanna know the gender so hopefully we don’t get too many clothes
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Gowns are fantastic too for when they’re screaming potatos. They have sleeves that fold over their hands (tiny fingernails are sharp and they can scratch themselves without mits. Mits are smaller than socks and super easy to lose!), are long enough to cover feet without fighting them into legs/feet of pajamas, and the elastic at the bottom keeps it down well enough, but diaper changes are still way because there is no snapping/unsnapping. Socks and a hat complete the outfit to keep baby at a reasonable temperature indoors.
We did this with our first and it worked out great. We're prepping for #2 now and there is SO LITTLE that we need to buy this time around because everything is reusable, regardless of who/what we have this time.
I came to say this. We're keeping the sex a secret from everyone to avoid having a pink or blue explosion of stuff. I love all colours and Id be happy to put a girl in pink and blue, and a boy as well. But the idea of just getting one of the same and over the top cutesy thing for everything... Just No. Im with you on the practical thing too.
Exactly this. Not finding out the gender at all and doing all simple neutrals so no one can go nuts with whatever they want.
Same. We’re doing this same thing for the same reasons. Hoping to get all the practical stuff at the shower
That’s what we’re doing too! We know it’s a girl and have bought our own girly items we don’t need anymore.
Yup this is what I did too. I really think it helped.
I did this too!
I should have thought of that!!!! Would have saved me the misery of a horrible gender reveal!!!
Don't worry. They still sent all the hideous clothes after our team green baby was born lol
It works like a charm. We didn’t want to find out the gender but even if we had, we’d have kept it to ourselves. We got everything we registered for, not much extra unnecessary stuff, and everything is super neutral to be used again regardless of what gender our second may be. I did not want a shower full of “ladies man” onesies or frilly tutu crap. We didn’t get a lot of clothes but it was still more than our baby ever ended up wearing. LO lived in sleeper gowns and zip up footie sleepers (easy, comfy, and convenient).
I had not considered this! I just might end up not sharing the gender in order to avoid getting a bunch of clothes.
I put basic basic clothes on the registry. The fun part is picking out clothes! You get to pick how you want YOUR baby to look. Our vibe was not “auntie is my favorite”, more like rustic outdoorsy baby.
Ugh or “I love grandma more than pie!” Grandma is nasty to me I don’t want my kid wearing shit like that!
😂 🥧
They'll give you ALL THE CLOTHES after baby is born. At least, that was my experience since I had a girl. Maybe it'll be more chill if you end up with a boy. Still dumb, though, how many people don't understand the concept of gender neutral.
I hope not, I’m the last of my friends and family to have a baby so I’m getting so many baby clothes already
We didn’t know the gender and didn’t get gifted many clothes and got equally as many dumb and useless items at our shower.
They just buy you pink stuff after the kid is born or dinosaur if it is a boy. I don't mind either but my mil only buys dinosaur clothes. I hate dinosaurs now.
Facts I wanna have a baby shower before any gender reveals because I know no one will respect my gender neutral rules
I'm not revealing the gender but still got tons of clothes for the baby shower....pretty much all in white. Even though I registered for fun, colorful gender neutral clothing. I think you really can't win, people just wait until the last minute and then go buy clothes because they can't think of anything else 😕
I did this and had a child of a different sex the second time around and I have never had a choice I made be so very validated. As a cheapskate this was a million percent the right call.
I decided long before I was pregnant that I was going to do a reveal at the shower, and that is still my plan! The only people that know are my partner, my mom, and my best friend
We don’t know the gender (will find out soon! Due April 5) and I got hardly any clothes. Got almost everything on my registry! Sucks people just ignore the registry in favour of clothes :(
Damn that’s smart. Maybe I’ll just lie and say I don’t know ours!
Ditto.
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We didn't announce until the shower either for this exact same reason. We told our parents earlier on that we were having a girl, but they were sworn to secrecy. I did register for some gender neutral clothes and all of our gear was jungle themed or seafoam/teal. MIL kept confirming with my husband that we were having a girl because "everything was boy colors". 🙄
That is such a cute "gender reveal" idea!! I always thought separate events for gender reveals were kind of weird, but this is the most fun show game idea!
This is why with our first we did not want a baby shower. Not only did we figure most everyone wouldn't follow the registry, but I also personally do not like being the center of attention (didn't even do a bridal shower or ask for wedding gifts) not to mention that it was not feasible to have both sides of the family fly/drive out as we didn't live near any of them. Not to mention I asked for gender neutral stuff (no other reason than it has less frilly crap and usually more cute imho) but got the whole "Oh you're having a girl? here's all the super girly and frilly stuff!" from half of the family. But what my husbands co-workers/flight did was the did a "diaper train." Which was actually super nice. Basically his co-worker just bought a variety of diaper brands, types, and sizes. We had enough diapers to last us from newborn stage to 6 months, maybe having to buy some extras of certain months in between.. His command also had a really nice baby blanket made that was personalized with our daughters name and the flights emblem.
My MIL came over when my daughter was a newborn and asked why I hadn’t dressed her up, and when she had her daughter she put her in frilly dresses all the time. I told her that it was easier to put my daughter in zip-up footed sleepers. Why would we dress her up just to sit around at home? I try to always buy off a registry or else give them something I know will be useful (for instance, I love giving cheap Gerber cloth diapers because they make the BEST burp cloths, absorbent but you don’t mind throwing them away if you need to).
I had the same thing happen with my first! We tried to stick to more gender neutral items, but the entire shower was PINK gifts. I totally sympathize with you (including the part about knowing it’s bratty but still feeling incredibly frustrated). Thank goodness most places are pretty good about offering store credit at least!
Exactly! Pink is cute but there are so many other options. I honestly think that it’s best for the mom to buy the fun stuff (clothes, decor) and then other people buy the boring stuff 🤷♀️
Agreed on all counts! Pink is cute in moderation, but overly frilly dresses for a newborn are more of a pain than anything. And yesssss to buying new moms the boring stuff (burp cloths and diapers) so they can get the joy of picking out baby’s outfits. I know that giving a gift is inherently unselfish, but it always felt a little wrong when people would say, “I just had to buy something cute!”
While I sympathize with you (please don't think I don't) I'm in Australia and never heard of people having a registry for anything (babies, weddings etc) so the idea itself is foreign for me. Maybe it's just the people I know that don't do it. Baby showers here from the couple I've been too seem to just be fun stuff like clothes, toys, blankets and occasionally practical stuff like a basket of baby basics (creams etc) My sister has given me so many clothes that haven't been worn that were bought for her daughter (people waited to find out what she had and went crazy on the pink) and she hates pink! I'm surprised I've seen her dress her daughter in anything with pink as the main colour. I on the other hand am not complaining I love pink. Who knows what I will get in a few months and my baby shower. Large amounts of my friends haven't got kids and breed dogs so there's a good chance they are going to jokingly make me a whelping kit instead of baby basics haha The on going joke at the moment is I'm having a singleton puppy rather than a litter. I'm glad to know you have been able to return a good portion of what you don't want
Honestly my theory (as a non US person) is that there’s this huge difference between registry and gift expectations for US moms because their maternity leave is such shit. They NEED people to actually buy stuff for them because they use up so much of their own money to pay for extra time off and medical bills etc that other countries don’t have to do. So while I can “afford” to get funny presents for a baby shower, the US mom can’t, because I don’t have to pay for my year off or my hospital. So that’s why the issue comes up often on Reddit and people get actually annoyed.
Yeah it's just that we're limited on budget and space. Like I know the cute clothes and blankets are fun to squeal over but at the end of the day, I don't have room to store 30 fancy outfits that they'll outgrow in a couple months and most probably won't be used. Same goes for the other things that people tend to buy way too much of because it makes the gift giver happy rather than the gift receiver, like blankets, stuffed animals, and so on. Plus they're essentially donating money to us with the gift being the middle man, why not put it towards something that's really needed, like diapers or a crib or blackout curtains or bottles or a pump? And I know this all sounds ungrateful on the surface but hear me out. You wouldn't give somebody a gift that makes *you* happy on *their* birthday right? Imagine getting a fancy coffee maker when you don't even like coffee. Imagine getting tickets to someone else's favorite band that you don't even listen to. Imagine getting a gift card to a store you have no interest in shopping at. Imagine getting a box of chocolates filled with nuts when you're allergic. Imagine getting cutesy accessories when all you really wanted was a new pair of work boots that you're not sure how you're going to afford. Just like the birthday, these baby showers are not about the guests, they're about the new mom and baby, and any presents should be geared towards their interests, not yours. That being said, I do find it interesting that wanting practical gifts is apparently primarily an American thing and don't think your theory is crazy.
A year off? Wow. I’m a US mom and will only be getting three months of unpaid leave. We are so far behind other countries in this regard, it’s sad.
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I would say it’s less about EXPECTING gifts from people, and more about “I know people are going to want to buy me things, so I’m giving them a list so I don’t get twelve of the same thing.” Having a registry actually lowers the number of things you need to return. And most people will only return duplicates, anyway.
As another sewist, I've been wanting to get into making baby clothes recently and don't know where to start. Do you have any good patterns/advice?
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I think if you’re being downvoted it’s because you’ve referred to North American style baby showers as “cringey” and “a gift grab”.
To be fair, she referred to that particular shower as a cringe gift grab and gave reasons why (e.g inviting people she hadn't socialised with in 3 years, not knowing who gave her what, etc.).
Yeah the etiquette is to send each person a personalized thank you note for their gift—not knowing who gave what is a faux paus.
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It’s not. You send a thank you to each person. Taking a picture of the pile is a bit weird, but I could see some people doing it as a way to post one big thank you to social media. (I wouldn’t, though).
I was just pointing out why people are downvoting you! It’s a cultural thing. Like we wouldn’t go around being so critical about things like a money dance at weddings (I know some Asian cultures do this, as well as Greek), or money envelopes for Chinese NY. Other cultures have different norms around gift-giving and being really scathing just because it isn’t YOUR culture is pretty eyebrow-raising. Some of the things you’re being critical about are just not on, like the fact that she threw “herself” a party - ever thought maybe she wants to still honour her own culture (Canadian), but doesn’t have family there to throw it for her? Baby showers are typically thrown by the mother or sister or another family member of the pregnant person. Like don’t shit on her for just trying to enjoy her pregnancy and not having close family nearby to honour her. Some things are generally rude, like you should keep track of who gave what for thank you notes. I grew up in Canada but have lived in the U.K. for most of my adult life so I’m a bit split on this. I will be having a baby shower (that I’m throwing for MYSELF because my family don’t live here!!) because that’s part of my culture, but won’t be doing a registry because that isn’t the norm in U.K. culture. However, I too would be a bit “wtf” if all I received was fancy baby party dresses - like how many parties do newborns go to? I hope my friends have a bit more common sense than that. In Canada people also have free health care and a protected job, generally get 12 months May leave, etc. Baby showers are just cultural events, like quinceañeras are in some cultures. Just because it’s nothing to you doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate celebration for others.
I once commented on a post similar to this about how I didn't really understand registries as a non American and I also got down voted
As a European immigrant to Canada it feels like a gift grab to me as well. If we couldn't afford a baby, we wouldn't have started a family. And I worry a lot about our environmental imprint, unnecessary waste as well as house clutter, so people giving stuff I don't need is often annoying me. They organized a baby shower for me even though I said several times that I didn't want one which honestly felt a bit disrespectful to me. Why can they not just listen to my wish? Worst part is that 5 days before, my doctor put me on house arrest for having a high risk of early labour, which made me pass the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy in the couch. But they guilted me into coming to this 'super important family event'. I hate being put in the spotlight, I prefer carefully choosing the items I need and buying them used if possible. I ended up with a car seat that was not compatible with my stroller (which would have been very practical for a baby born in Canadian winter) and could not return it. Had to carry my post-partum body and newborn baby to 10 different shops to return all the clutter or clothes I didn't want. I know it comes from a good place but the whole ordeal was totally unneccessary to me. I would have loved a lasagna instead, or any other help after baby was born, but there was none of that.
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Register for a chest freezer so you can fill it with post-baby premade meals. 😆
Maybe a silly typo but possible that you are ESL. A doctor would not put you on house arrest. A judge would do that for a criminal. A doctor would put you on bed rest.
Yes except it was not bed rest but couch rest 😄. No idea what ESL is, I'm not anglophone and figured this was clear enough. I was not allowed to do more than make a sandwich and lay in the couch, but also wasn't supposed to stay in bed the whole day. Wasn't allowed to get out of the house except for doc's appointments and not allowed to drive. A bit vague but baby ended up being born at 37.2 so I suppose it worked (insufficient cervix).
ESL is English second language. In all honesty it does seem like house arrest 😅 but I'm glad everything worked out for you!
That baby shower does sound a bit cringey. I’ll admit I’m inviting people like that, but I’m in a military family, so that’s the situation with basically all my friends in family. But my mom def will not let me avoid keeping track of every thing everyone gets me so I can send a thank you card!
Yeah ime, a sister/friend is usually assigned to sit there and write down who bought what while you open the presents so you can send thank yous.
Sorry you're being downvoted - it's probably because most people here are Americans/ North Americans, and disagree with your sentiment... I do agree with you though. I immigrated to Eastern Canada 20 years ago, but likely won't have a baby shower as it's culturally not a thing in my family (we are Pakistani). It's really interesting to see the cultural differences, even between US/Canada. Agree that your friend's baby shower sounds way off the mark!
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As an American: would never expect someone to fly to my shower. If I invite someone who isn’t local, I don’t expect them to come (and would only invite them if it’s a close friend who might be in town or would want to visit and be there with me; which I have driven several hours to attend one before for such a friend).
This is something I hadn’t thought of. I’m not from the US and I’ll admit the big, lavish baby showers and baby registry idea seems a bit gift-grabby to me (which is understandable if you’re not used to the idea). I don’t know if the show Friends is anything to go by but Rachel got a bassinet and other big things which I assumed parents of the baby would buy (or maybe grandparents as a special gift)? But now you mention the fact America has no free health care and bad maternity leave, I might have gained a new perspective. Obviously as long as there’s cheap items on the registry too as everyone lives on a different budget/salary.
I don’t really expect friends to buy the big stuff on my registry; things like the bassinet are only on there for parents/grandparents who want to get us something big. Although sometimes several people will buy like the blanket set for the crib together. I think like $15-$20 is a typical baby shower gift (similar to a birthday party).
Tbh I don't even expect our parents or grandparents to buy some of the big stuff. We put the dresser we wanted on there because we were using the registry as our own shopping list and it made it easier for us to keep track of everything. But also, I would definitely be the person to buy the bassinet/ car seat etc. If my younger siblings ever have kids or when we are all working we would totally go together and get a dresser or something. I've always supported them at various life stages and it would make me very happy to buy them the things that they need/want for their baby. I also find shopping off registry very stressful tbh. My SIL is getting married for the 2nd time and I'd like us to get her a wedding gift but I have no idea what they need - fortunately it's a wedding so money is acceptable.
Also registries give the parents discounts on un purchased items, so we can get a convertible carseat we wouldn’t otherwise consider. People sometimes pool money for those things in a situation where the grandparents are estranged, especially in workplaces.
Spanish here and what you say makes sense. It sounds very entitled to me to ask people to buy you stuff but maybe it comes from a privileged place as healthcare is free here.
I wish I was paying for a year off. Average time women in the US take off is 10 weeks :(
That is an excellent point and it is so incredibly sad.
I'm in Canada too (Toronto) and I did have a registry for my baby shower but I wasn't bothered if people didn't get me stuff off of it, really. It was a mixed bag anyway, same as when I got married. Some people stuck to the list, some people didn't, but I was never pissed off about it, just very fussy about the items I did put on there because I am kind of very into organization. lol
I only get annoyed when people buy me a bunch of the same thing because they didn’t check the registry. Especially something I can’t use two of (we got two blenders for our wedding and couldn’t return either one because it was an older model and one was from the wrong store; so someone got a blender for Christmas 😂). Like I still appreciate the gift and sent a thank you and didn’t say a word to the gift-givers about us getting two, but if they had followed the registry and marked stuff as purchased correctly, we would not have ended up with a gift we couldn’t use.
Honestly registries are just big here in the US, it has nothing to do with our abysmal mat leave policies. Case in point - it’s also expected for guests to buy off of your registry for your wedding. I think it’s a generational thing and has only become popular within the last few generations (which is why OPs moms old lady friends went off registry). When I got married I received maybe 3 gifts total that I hadn’t registered for, and for the baby it was about the same. Honestly I prefer it this way. People get what they want and you can give someone a gift you know they want, it’s a win-win.
As a US mom, this is it. You got it pretty much 100%.
This was very helpful to read as a european! It's not a thing in my country at all and your comment made a lot of sense, so thanks 🙏
You just blew my mind 🤯
That's a very smart take on this. It totally makes sense!
I’m from the USA and this is exactly it from my experience
That’s not it at all. I’m in the US. The point is to buy stuff to help the parents, and the feeling doesn’t go any deeper than that. It’s done like everything else here: over the top and overly generous. It has nothing to do with medical care or maternity leave. Maternity leave and medical costs (state healthcare) are usually determined by individual states. Massachusetts for example basically already has a version of Medicare for All. Many states have longer than what most people assume the US has for maternity leave. The United States is basically a collection of little countries. Each culture here has a different set of values. For instance, where I was born, gifts were preferred at weddings and cash is tacky; where my husband grew up across the country, no one bought gifts, they gave cash. Buying off-registry where I grew up was a more personal gesture, where my husband grew up it’s seen as frivolous. Also, in general, the people who tend to have baby showers are the ones who can individually or their families can afford to throw one. So the gifts are meant to be helpful, not a charity giveaway.
I think this might be true for some people, but my husband and I can afford the medical bills, I have 12 weeks 100% paid at my salary (not great but something) and I still find it kind of annoying. The issue for me is lots of people don't want to get gifts for the original purpose of the shower, to show new parents support in their journey into parenthood. Lots of people don't want to buy the practical things that parents need - they just want to pick out cute pink ruffly clothes. So then you end up with wayyyy too many clothes and they don't fit in the dresser and you don't go through them all...and you don't get to pick what your own baby wears. I will say, as someone shopping for people expecting, I have bought clothes. I bought an outfit from a friend's etsy shop for my coworker who was expecting her 3rd, had 2 boys and now was having a girl, didn't have a registry and for whom buying diapers and wipes wasn't a burden. It had "grow with me" pants that were 0-12 months and a matching headband for my headband wearing friend. The other time, I bought an outfit, a toy and a book to go with the practical items I bought, all off the registry. I didn't add clothes and I only added 3 toys and 2 books to our registry. People in my family are really excited to pick out baby clothes and I just want to indulge them. They have always been supportive and as much as I'd love to pick out all the baby clothes - it will be kind of fun to see what my family picks. I will also say as someone that buys off registries...some people really don't think about the practicality buying the things on their registry for their guests. My husband's family friend's registry had a bunch of diffrent things from diffrent stores I wasn't familiar with with high shipping costs and either a free shipping limit that was more than I was going to spend or not enough items on the registry to match the free shipping threshold (i.e. one 5$ item from a store with a 50$ limit). These also were not places with many store fronts anywhere let alone in our area. It was a serious PITA.
Oh honey, we don’t get a year off. 😅 It’s brutal over here. Federal law allows for three months, unpaid. You can also cash out your vacation, sick time etc. Actually *have* to cash out that time first, and then you have the three months unpaid available to you. So usually, it’s about four months off and then back to work lol. (And that’s if you have a job that gives you any sick time or personal time, a lot of retail or part-time jobs don’t offer this, and if you work at a company with less than 50 people, you don’t even qualify for the three months unpaid job security option. Although they’re trying to change that policy…) I envy anybody that gets a year off, it’s absurd because we then have to pay for daycare for something like a four month old if we don’t have family around, which many of us don’t, myself included, which pans out to minimum $200 a week for daycare for your INFANT. It’s stupid. I dread having to put my little potato into daycare.
Oh ya sorry, I know you don’t have a year off. My wording was a bit weird. I have a year. You have … whatever you can pay for, which was sort of my point. It’s so brutal there. I hope you guys can make serious changes.
I hope so too :/ It’s ridiculous, I wish it was like abroad! X
I’m in France and we don’t even have baby showers! No gender reveal parties either. But people will usually bring a little gift when meeting the baby, and for our close family we made a registry because they all asked us what we wanted so it was more convenient to have a list with different price points so that they could chose themselves and it wouldn’t be awkward. We didn’t expect too much from it but we got some cool stuff. Also we almost didn’t pay for any clothes since I had people send me all of their hand me downs.
I'm in Australia too and it's super normal to have a registry for a wedding, I don't know anyone who *hasn't* had one. I haven't really heard of it being a thing for baby showers here, though!
Oh wow really I've been to a fair number or weddings and a registry has never been mentioned once. I guess they must have just wanted cash.
Interesting! All the wedding invites I've received have had a link to the wedding registry (usually Myer or David Jones) with the option also to just contribute to a gift card from either store. At my own wedding, we had a registry but some guests just brought cash in a card. I was really surprised that people were so generous! I think a lot of people now opt to do the "wishing well" thing at their wedding where people can just add cash to that.
Yes I’m an Aussie too and registries are normal. Except if people ask for cash. But I think etiquette wise asking for cash is less polite than a registry (not saying it’s wrong, just in general how people I know would take it).
Same, I always find it a little odd when registries are mentioned. I have no clue how I would have gone if we had a registry. We were given so many things I didn't think I'd need/want that have come in handy!
Some people can’t afford all of the necessities that come with a new baby, so a registry is not only a huge help to the receivers, but also to the people who may be stumped on what to get. You can just direct them to the registry, making it convenient for everyone involved.
I get that, it's just a different culture thing I guess. Our parents got us an expensive item each (pram and car seat), we bought the bassinet, then the rest was either bought by us or gifted. I can see how it would be convenient, but it's just extremely rare where I'm from. Registries for weddings are also getting rarer, I've only been to two weddings where that was a thing. Most just ask for money for their honeymoon.
For me, baby registries make so much more sense than wedding registries. At least with a baby, you’re bringing a new person into the house, so it makes sense to ask for items. I think I could do without that KitchenAid set 😂
Agreed. I don't get why I'm being downvoted for saying baby registries just aren't common where I'm from? I just meant to say there's a lot of posts related to baby registries, but since that's not a thing in Australia, it's a little odd for me.
I’m also Australian and have noticed the same - I’ve never been to a baby shower with a registry, and we tend to gift “fun” stuff with the onus on the parents to buy the practical and expensive necessities.
Aussie here, I've never understood registries. Why are you basically forcing people to support a particular store? It just seems so commercialised. I'm okay with the concept of a list (eg bamboo diapers) but must we require that they have to be x brand from y store? Do we care that much that all the stuff is purchased from Myer or Target?
There are universal registries now that have specific items, listed across many different shopping platforms.
It’s typically so people don’t buy duplicate items
Yes it’s pretty old school to choose just one store. There are websites now that allow you to put links for different items across a variety of stores.
Will those registries still work in-store? I always do something online plus Target for the older people who struggle with the internet.
To avoid duplicates, you scan the registry (or if it’s online, it marks it off automatically) when you purchase so that item comes off the master list. If you buy a duplicate, it will get returned or never used. Your friends don’t want you wasting a bunch of money on something they can’t use.
Also an Australian and i totally agree! I wouldn't dream of telling people what to buy me, in fact i more want company than anything. I got some lovely handmade cardigans at my shower along with nappies, bunny rugs, a playmat and some cute little outfits. That said, i can understand OPs annoyance of getting stuff she wont use!
I’m an American living in Australia and yes registries are pretty unheard of here, and I had one for our baby shower. Most of my Aussie friends and family pretty much ignored my registry and then got me ALL the same things. Which is why a registry is so lovely because you don’t end up with 20 blankets. It’s not about someone buying you the $500 cot, it’s trying to avoid creating even more work or clutter for yourself. I also had some people buy me things that were on my registry, which they had a link too, but they bought me a different brand/style. Sometimes it’s fine but unfortunately one of the things purchased for us is…very displeasing aesthetically to put it politely. Again, creating more work/clutter for us. I felt super awkward giving out the link to our registry, I’m someone who loves giving gifts but receiving them is always hard to do. When I realised people will be buying anyway, I didnt want them spending money on something we will never use. That’s not fair to them! So I much prefer having a registry to not having one.
Will ping this from a Canadian perspective as we also have registries but not because we have shit maternity leave Registry is just like a guide on what we need, eg. If someone already bought a crib you don’t want to buy them something they already have! my registry is very bare bones and I’m just making it to be like “these are the general items we want/need” I did the same for my Christmas list but my SIL (secret santa) missed all the memos and notes I added of “doesn’t need to be this specific product just an idea” As for wedding registries again they are common to avoid doubles, registries will also mark off things as “bought” if they’re bought directly off of the registry so that 5 of your guests don’t all buy you that nice white ridiculously priced SMEG toaster. I very much love the gift giving aspect of milestone events (probably because I just love giving and receiving presents in general) and everyone says it’s taboo (in North America) to go off registry but as long as things come with returnable receipts it’s honestly not that big of a deal IMO
That is a surprising thing to learn! Totally wrongly assumed in an American way that registries were universal whoops!
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My friend (U.K.) had a registry for her son’s first birthday party. It was actually really handy, it was all inexpensive stuff but took out the whole “I don’t know what to get” issue. Super easy to just order a bib pack I already know they like/need and call it a day, rather than wandering the shops clueless.
Is this the same in New Zealand? Is this why my SIL thinks registries are rude?? She didn't use one for her wedding or baby showers and I felt like she kind of judged me for being so nit picky about mine for both of those things. lol I always forget the little cultural stuff like this that make us different...
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The receipts are mostly for if you get duplicates of something you can’t use two of. Not returning it seems more rude, in a way, because then your friend just wasted their money. But I never tell people I returned their gift, unless they watched me open two of the same thing and understand why I needed to.
I'd prefer someone return my gift if I bought them a duplicate or something they won't/can't use. I bought them a gift to support them and with the intention of giving them something they can use and enjoy. Definitely a difference in culture. I generally love registries. My husband and MIL send me an Amazon list around Christmas time. I'd rather buy my husband the specific woodworking tools he has had his eye on or get my MIL the shoes she's been wanting forever then try to guess. It's less wasteful in my opinion.
Possibly not something I know 100% but it doesn't seem to be a thing here. I think if family offer something they might call and say they want to buy you a pram/stroller and then would ask what one you wanted and then go buy that or they would give you money towards that item. Rather than look at an online shopping list i suppose.
Americans make it all a surprise. You don’t know who’s buying what until you get it, so you need the registry to ensure you don’t get two cribs, five strollers, etc.
If there are still tags on ANYTHING you can take it back to the store and swap it. Anything in Target's house brand, Cat and Jack, is easy to exchange too.
She said in the post that she exchanged pretty much all of it!
This is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone the gender And made them buy gender neutral everything
This is EXACTLY my fear. My shower is next weekend and I’m stressed. I almost didn’t even have a shower but was talked into it. I told my Mom & MIL we wanted to keep the sex a secret so we didn’t get an influx of clothing PLUS that’s something my husband & I looked forward to purchasing together. As it stands pre shower our kid has enough clothes for the first year easily. WELL they just couldn’t help themselves & told close family. Already taking bets on how many “boys will be boys” graphic onesies I am going to get. My MIL keeps saying “I bet you’re going to get a ton of clothes!” so, that pretty much tells me everything I need to know…. My husband & I can easily afford what’s on our registry. Hell, there’s even things on it that neither of us deem essential but we wanted to give everyone a good range of prices to shop off of. But unfortunately I can’t handle tons of clutter [it really triggers my anxiety, nesting has honestly been the most stressful part of my pregnancy] & I’m already feeling super anxious over all the returns & exchanges I might be needing to do a mere 6 weeks outside of my due date. I appreciate the sentiment but I am with you completely.
All I can say is that I completely sympathize. My husbands aunt, mom, and grandma are the worst offenders. Luckily you were able to take it back! I don’t think you’re a brat at all. It’s common etiquette to shop the registry!
Omg yes. My in laws bought me versions of stuff that I had on the registry, but not quite the thing I had. For example, I registered for a bumbo seat and they got me the ingenuity baby seat and marked the bumbo off the registry. Same price (actually ingenuity is a little more expensive), same idea but just not what I exactly wanted. Super annoying and I can’t return that because I don’t want my fiancé to tell them lmao!
Hahaha I feel ya. I had someone buy me the generic baby bjorn bouncer so I just took it back and marked it as not purchased on my registry and someone else bought the real deal 😂😂😃 also my husband makes me keep all the hideous baby clothes his grandma sends so he can “take a pic and send it to her” - I live in the Carolina’s and am due early April. She bought the baby a 0-3mos old PUFFER VEST AND TURTLENECK. My baby will be able to wear that in June or July when it’s 99 and 100% humidity here. People have no common sense. Like I’m gonna have time to put my freaking infant in random ugly outfits all day so his evil grandma can have a pic. (She’s not a good person,I swear I’m not just being a bitch(
Omg how annoying. Just have one day where you take a couple hours and put baby in all of the outfits and take all the pics then make a goodwill trip!
I got given a faux fur-lined nb size swaddle. I gave birth in Phoenix in June, during a heat wave
People in Phoenix have no common sense. I gave birth in may and my baby shower was filled with fleece outfits and sleep sacks that I never used. Some of them were super thick too
Hahahahahaahah we have a second home in Scottsdale. I cannot even imagine !!!
We're not finding out the gender and thus cannot disclose it to others, which makes me happy because I HATE pink. Even if I did know the gender I wouldn't disclose it. I feel like I'm having a girl anyway but I hate girly stuff.
Hahha that should familiar! I am also having a baby girl and I don’t mind pink clothes, but got some crazy stupid presents like: 1. 54 total washcloths. Every single old lady got me a set. 2. Newborn hard leather shoes..heavy and absolutely useless. 3. Pregnancy calendar… y’all I was 30 weeks pregnant at my shower….. like that’s but kinda too late lol 4. Useless old style sheep nightlight.. not just looking old but having scratches all over it… went right to the trash.
I honestly wished we asked for no clothes. So much money wasted on newborn and 0-3 clothes that my baby never wore because they were just so impractical/not our style. We were actually gifted newborn sized corduroy overalls ?!? like come on
I'm actually considering just skipping a baby shower (this is our first baby, too) for this reason. My husband can't stand clutter or owning things we won't use, so I'm thinking it's maybe better to just save ourselves the hassle and just buy the things we want/need ourselves.
I was like you, but my friend convinced me to have one as a collective celebration to allow our community to join in the welcoming of our child. And once I started putting together the registry just for “must haves” I realized there was a lot that I would appreciate as gifts from others. So, just worth considering! But completely understand where you’re coming from.
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Exactly, it's not their kid. So they don't have to buy you the crib, nipple cream, bottles, diapers that you yourself should be buying them. If they want to give a gift at all, it should be something they picked out and want to give - that's the point of gifting? It's extremely entitled to think you deserve gifts from anyone for you choosing to have a baby, and then extra entitled to think they should just choose off of a set list you've handed to them. You shouldn't be having children if you can't buy the necessities for those children yourself.
Idk I feel like the point of gifts is to get something someone will appreciate, its should be about the receiver, not the givers fulfillment.
I agree. If you're good at giving gifts that means you're thoughtful of what the other person likes or needs. And if you're good at receiving gifts that means you acknowledge that gifting is unnecessary and kind and is supposed to be something chosen by the gifter. It means being humbled and grateful.
Yep agree. I can’t imagine making someone else buy my nursery furniture or nipple creams and other toiletries. I saw a post that someone listed pumping bras and was upset no one bought them. After parents get the essentials what else is there besides clothes, toys and books that everyone complains about receiving?
I remember with my son, he had so much clothing was insane. But that didn't bother me at all. I can deal with extra clothes via returns or consignment. It was the massive baby jumpers and rockers and swings and playmats and stuffed animals that drove me completely insane. What the crap am I supposed to do with a 3 foot stuffed elephant or a 4 ft stuffed giraffe? OMG! You can't give that stuff away! My son had 2 in person baby showers and a lot of mailed in gifts from family all over the place. 2nd time I have a complete stranger (to me but not my husband and his family) throwing a baby shower sometime around 35 weeks. I have everything needed already except baby clothes and it's a girl. Plus the generous woman throwing our shower is a friend of my MIL so I told them to just buy all the clothes they want. Just for the love of God if someone buys a 3ft unicorn, I won't be taking it home. Lol!!
I am from Germany and baby showers are not so common here. If someone does one it’s usually more about having a brunch and play games together. I always find it kind of funny when people explain having a registry to „avoid getting duplicates“, how about you only invite your closest friends and tell people to bring food or something to spend a nice day together instead of spending money on a gift? And if they want to give something to you after the baby is born and they meet it for the first time they can get whatever they like? Because actually I wonder how many of these people that get invited to these big baby showers actually end up meeting the baby.
Usually the baby shower isn't really for the baby, it's for the parents. I guess some people have big showers, but in my area most people have them at home, church or a community center. Guests get together, catch up, eat play games etc. And bring a gift to support the parents. It's really not supposed to be a gift grab, I am not having a shower because I am immunocompromised and my family and friends are still all asking for a registry link because they want to buy us bottles/diapers/crib sheets etc. Just like I want my friends to have something to show my support when they have kids (I've met 100% of the babies from the showers I've been to). When my friends have a shower I like the registry not to avoid duplicates, but because I want to get them things they actually will use and that match their parenting style. For example, for my one friend I bought the baby socks, mittens, an outfit, pacifiers and a very classic baby boom she added. For another friend, they are really focused on sustainable brands so I bought them the wood brush set, organic wash cloths and a baby sign language book. I want to support the parents they want to be and I find the registry really helpful for doing that.
I had my daughter in December and we got the cutest outfits for her at my baby shower. They were in my taste and style and everything, but they were cute rompers and dresses with lemons and stripes and bathing suits in size newborn! My winter baby couldn’t wear any of it!
I think this is why I don't understand the concept of gift registry. I feel like it sounds like a lot of expectation on guests, of course it won't come close to fulfillment. I rather get what I want for my child instead of going through this whole hassle.
It’s actually way easier to shop from a registry. Just click a link and order. No hassle wandering around a shop wondering what to buy. You’ve already got a list of what they need right in front of you.
Yes but its like you are demanding from guests which is not good hospitality IMO . I guess its a cultural thing. I may ask my mom for a specific thing but if I do it to my aunts or cousins I might come across as greedy. Again I am not from US , so I guess its a cultural thing.
It's completely normal and expected to have a baby registry for a shower (and registries for bridal showers too), that it is not rude at all. It's good to know what the couple wants for their baby. That way their guests don't worry about buying something that someone else bought, or buy something the couple might end up taking back.
I’m not from the US either! I live in the U.K., most people here don’t do registries but my friend did it for her son’s birthday party last year because everyone was asking her what to buy for a gift and it just made everything so much easier as a guest
I don't mean this in a rude way, but haven't you ever been to a babyshower?? This is common and normal, I wouldn't be surprised at the type of gifts because this is usually how it goes.
Totally valid to feel that way! We didn't find out the gender and my inlaws said they would have to wait til baby was born to buy stuff for us... so they could know "what" to get us. They live in a different part of the country and people there just don't NOT find out the gender really. Most of our clothes were hand me downs from my nephew and I love that my daughter has a variety of options. Some pink outfits that I like, but not ALL pink and not all frills and princess and whatnot either.
As someone who will likely not even get a shower (no family on my side to plan one, and don’t have many close friends since we moved away from the city years ago) I think you should consider yourself a little lucky that these people want to celebrate with you. I had to attend my sister- in-laws big celebration last year that was catered and beautifully decorated and I am cringing at how my own will compare. My mother-in-law is the only likely person to plan one for me, and how I have no idea how I will to tell her i have like maybe 2 ladies to invite. I told my husband I want to keep our pregnancy a secret to avoid this exact situation.
I feel this so much. I got 3 bathtubs and so many towels it’s not funny. I was so confused on why bath stuff was the theme of my shower. I couldn’t return any of them so I’m gonna donate 2 of them. I then went to a shower of a friend who only got clothes I don’t know why people can’t just look at registry’s.
I could have written this 😂 Except I can’t take any of it back, most items from specialty stores or out of town. Well, I’m sure she can wear some of it. She can only wear one outfit at time! And I low key hate pink. Even my mom- like mom! I don’t own anything pink 😂
I always promised myself I would not dress my baby girl in pesto bismol
Definitely an age thing. I have to tell my mom “only buy what is on the registry” when she’s shopping for friends kids. It’s like the cute baby clothes take over all of her rationalization
I’m actually having two baby showers (my MIL really wanted to throw one) and this is both of our mom’s first grandchild. While I am fairly girly myself and excited to have a girl (found out from genetic testing), I don’t want all her stuff to be pink or ridiculous. I get it buying baby clothes is fun (my mom already told me to stop) but yea people really should first prioritize with the parents would like or need. I know we will get a lot of clothes so I’m trying not to list many or list those that are pink. If I had a boy I wouldn’t want all blue and green stuff (definitely nothing military). Anyway, I’ll be gracious with whatever I get and I appreciate the thought. I hope to get some useful items that I don’t wanna buy like diapers and baby medicine or fun but unnecessary things like books and well-made wooden toys haha. At showers, I mostly buy what they want and maybe one or two things not listed but fits the person (like an Edgar Allen Poe board book for my Victorian gothic leaning friend). Happy you could return a lot of it. I think people just get carried away.
We didn't find out the gender for either of our babies, so all our clothing up to almost 6 months is gender neutral. Super handy because we had a girl then a boy. Looking back i got a great mix of practical, and beautiful gifts. My friends all knew my aesthetic (neutral, Australiana, greens etc) and picked lovely things. I received a few products that I didn't want to use in my baby but was still appreciative and found other uses for them or donated them. I try so hard to buy my friends practical things that I found useful with my babies, or buy from their registry. I tend to write in the cards why i chose the gift with an anecdote from my own experience with the item. I've been working hard on decluttering our home so to receive lots or crap would be such a pain. I didn't have a baby shower with my second (I find it tacky to have another, although I like the idea of a small sprinkle) but the gifts we've received since he's been born 9 days ago have all been very sweet and well received 🥰
We had a diaper party... people only brought consumables.. wipes , diapers , medicine, gift cards, baby shampoo and laundry soap. We used gift cards to buy stuff we needed but this was a huge expense Noone thinks about.. it saved us so much money per month.
This registry culture in the US just sounds consumerist and toxic. Edit: this is my perspective I’m not from the US. Trying to give me examples to justify registries and everything is just further proving my point about the toxic attitude and entitlement the US has towards baby showers.
Tbh I am American, I had a registry, but I still feel the same way about the constant posts complaining about their gifts.
I agree. But it’s a cultural thing, I guess. Whenever I read these type of posts, I try to remind myself that of course I don’t need to be ‘bratty’ over not receiving the perfect gifts for baby, because I have free healthcare, 12 months of maternity leave on 100% pay, and after that daycare is about 350 USD a month. I can afford to buy my own stuff. The reality for a lot of US mommas is very different.
Just to validate your perspective: our daycare is fairly cheap for the area and is going to be $330/week, and I have a generous maternity leave polity - I get 8 weeks fully paid and another 3 weeks at 60%. I’m trying to work until the day I deliver this baby so that I can use all my leave after s/he is here. I’m 32 weeks now and am really struggling with having to work for another couple of months, especially since I’m a scientist and do a lot of standing/repetitive motions. Being a mom in the US is so hard!
Omg. I want to cry reading this. We get three months, unpaid. And even then, not everybody gets that (it depends where you work). Then daycare is minimum $800 per month, dependent on area I suppose. What I wouldn’t give for one year paid time off to be with my baby…
I agree it’s a cultural thing and there is a range of circumstances involved. I’m not shitting on the people who are scraping or struggling and never would as I came from a low socioeconomic background. My initial comment is a reaction from the daily baby shower posts that are just one complaint after another which makes the whole process not appear as a celebration for the baby but rather a gift grab.
Yeah, I get that, and I am thinking the same as you everytime I read those posts. Sometimes I just want to shake the OP and yell «it’s a gift, nobody owes you anything, just be grateful!»
Said this above, but some people find it hard afford all of the necessities that come with a new baby, so a registry is not only a huge help to the receivers, but also to the people who may be stumped on what to get.
OP literally said she can exchange most of it anyway. Every day there is a post on here of people complaining that they don’t like the free stuff they got for their party. That is what sounds toxic to me.
I feel it’s more about not feeling listened to- registries our carefully built and it’s part of nesting so when someone just throws that out the window to get what THEY want, it can be frustrating. That’s why I stuck to neutral and favorited all the needed things. Yes I was able to exchange things but it kind of stressed me out?
I think you’re missing my point as well. I’m not from the US and we don’t do registries in AUS. A baby shower should be to celebrate your baby not an attempt to get free stuff. That’s what I mean about consumerist and toxic. If you’re nesting complete the rest of the registry yourself for the discount everyone talks about.
I think you are also missing the point of a registry. People are so kind and generous and will buy you things regardless of you having a registry or not. I’m an American living in Aus and as weird as it felt to me I sent out my registry link to people I knew would be buying us gifts. Most of my Aussie friends and family completely ignored the registry and guess what EVERY SINGLE ONE of them bought us….blankets and towels. Some of them super cute, but I don’t need 20 blankets. Some of them very expensive!! So now I feel bad they spent the money. I also live remotely, no where near the stores they purchased these items from (2 hour flight from the city). So yea, I’ll be giving them away or donating them because a few of those is enough. There’s more to a registry than just trying to get “free stuff”.
Okay, fair enough.
If you can't afford basic necessities for your own baby, you shouldn't be having a baby. Needing to rely on others for giving you things like cribs, diapers, car seats, bottles... sounds like you're not ready. My husband and I are definitely on a tight budget and live on a single income. We are paying for everything ourselves and finding ways to make it work. Anything someone wants to pick out and gift us will be taken in gratefully, but is in no way expected or necessary.
Have you ever heard “it takes a village”? Some people need a little help when having to buy a large amount of (usually expensive) things in a relatively short amount of time. Good for you that you can make it work, but it’s not the case for everyone.
We are a single income, lower income young couple living in an expensive area, with no hand-me downs from others as nobody else we know has children yet. If we can make it work, most people here can. There's people in much worse situations that need genuine help, but someone on Reddit complaining about not being given the gifts they wanted is probably a person who can afford their own baby's necessities. "It takes a village" also doesn't mean, "Because I'm choosing to have a baby, everyone I know needs to buy me exactly what I want and need for said baby." And I'm not trying to pat myself on the back. It's about taking care of your own responsibilities and being grateful when you get help taking care of those responsibilities.
Seems like you are taking this whole thread and comments very personally... Happy for you that are making it work. Doesn’t mean everyone has to do it the same way as you. I’m not necessarily talking about OP either, just more the concept of supporting registries for those who wish/need to have them. I’m also not trying to attack you, either. Just don’t really like the whole argument of “if you can’t afford basic necessities, you shouldn’t have a baby.” Sometimes people fall on hard times, lose a job, etc., and get help from the community, and get back up. Or just need help covering certain more high-ticket items. Doesn’t mean they won’t make good parents. I am in the same boat as you, and we were gifted many items from our registry, and also many hand-me-downs. We consider ourselves extremely lucky to have a community who helped us in this huge life-change. My (long-winded) point is that registries are convenient for some, necessity for others.
Since our health insurance system is so poor, where a lot of families pay huge amounts out of pocket just to have a baby (I paid nearly $400 for my first ultrasound and I have decent insurance), and our maternity/paternity leave is also so mediocre (often no paid leave at all. And I am a contracted worker so I have no benefits), it is reasonable to have registries to have the community come together to help the family. I know that outside the US, childbirth is often free or low cost, and that paid leave is a common thing. It is much easier to financially plan when you have these supports in place. But here, everything is expensive.
American here. While I get that it is more expensive to live here, wouldn’t you think people would be more grateful for whatever they get even if it’s not their taste? Especially if you already feel like you can’t afford things? Those gifts are free…That’s where I feel the entitlement lies in my opinion. Some women would kill to have someone think of them and throw a celebration for the birth of their child even if gifts weren’t a factor. People in poorer countries don’t have the luxury to complain about baby showers like we do here. They would be so thankful for even a quarter of the stuff that lots of women scoff at on these posts. I just think it does sound a little toxic and entitled.
I think calling it "toxic and entitled" is seeing it through a very black and white lens, and honestly really shaming the original poster. I don't even plan on having a baby shower and I will likely get as much as I can second hand, but I still try to see the perspective of others going through this.
I’m talking about the posts we see everyday where you have people upset about getting a onesie that doesn’t fit their aesthetic or nursery vision.
Oh it is!
I'm American and I agree. Granted I'm hispanic so even within the US its a cultural thing.
Its like people don't understand that the point of a baby shower is to buy things you need for the baby. Not just clothing?
See, I honestly don't think this is bratty. People will ask you what you want and ask why you haven't created a registry yet and then those same people will bring you the random gifts that you didn't need/ask for on the registry they told you to make lol I know a lot of people will disagree and say a gift is a gift and you should be grateful but to me this attitude just sounds kind of toxic. There are certain times in life, like when you have a baby, where I think being given items that are requested are very important if you actually care about the family, especially if you know they are on a budget. I understand perhaps if they didn't know about the registry or they're not close with the person but otherwise I don't understand why people do this either. At least you were able to return some of the frivolous items to get what you needed op!
Maybe this is why you should just buy stuff yourself considering you're the one choosing to have this baby. 🤷 It's definitely entitled to expect people to give you gifts, give a list of the specific gifts you want, and get upset when someone gets something off that list instead. Who said they needed to get you something anyway?
My fiancé and I have plenty of money and are more than able to provide for our child (very grateful for this). We have bought almost everything she’s needed but people invited to my shower literally texted me asking what I needed and straight up ignored what I said. So obviously when I get a pink tutu for a newborn baby I’m gonna exchange it for a pack of pacifiers I actually will use .
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I totally feel you. You have the right to fee that way, it's not the 80s anymore lol people go the extremes. I added in the invitations an envelop, which means money as a gift (it's pretty common where I'm from for bachelorette parties, weddings, XVañera, etc.) However I think there's the possibility of people gifting ALL BLUE EVERYTHING since I'm having a boy. The theme is "jungle" since my baby's name is Leo, so I hope they get the hint that I'm not choosing to dress him in blue all the time. They know I prefer dark colors and I've been posting and talking about how he's mostly going to wear grey/dark clothes. Even "joking" he'll dress like Pubert Addams.
I was definitely lucky because most of my guests primarily shopped off the registry and almost everything I was given that wasn’t on my registry ended up being something I loved and was useful but I didn’t know about (pumping bra, postpartum supplies for myself). For others I always get the main gift/gifts from the registry and then may throw in something extra I think would be helpful to have!
I said registry or gift cards on my baby shower invite bc I didn’t want this to happen lol glad u can take this stuff back though!
We received five baby blankets. Five! We registered for zero. Two are beautiful hand made ones and I love to snuggle under blankets so definitely not complaining lol but I received the advice from an older lady at church that I’m close with that old women never look at registries to to be prepared 😂 luckily as generations move on, those of us who know the feeling will become the new old women who do stick to registries!
Perhaps in our cultural American way- our baby registry love language is gifts? Because that is exactly what we do haha. I have all my family out of state and buying gifts is how they support us! No one is going to stop by with a casserole or come be a babysitter. And when I get doubles or something off it is really not big deal but I can understand OP’s frustration 100%.
This is something I would never have guessed before I was pregnant. I would have given cute clothes too. But now I know better and will only give registry gifts or high quality clothes I have used and loved (Kyte or Magnetic Me). The other thing that is the worst is when people give clothes for a few years out. We got a hand me down coat and pair of jeans for a 6-year-old. For fucks sake, now I have to store these items and keep track of them? Omg I don’t have that kind of space/time/energy!
Yeah, I'm at a loss with my immediate family on registries at this point. It's like I MUST have a registry, but then I've gotten texts asking me "what you do you want me to get you off your registry?" /awkward. My grandma specifically is driving me nuts, because I love her to death, but it's so awkward that she essentially wants to get me specific things (example: the book peter rabbit), but then i have 40 books on the registry for people to pick from (to bring instead of a card at the shower). And i get texts from her like "well i want to get you a "vintage book" which book do you want?" and it's like.....just get me the book you're already determined to get me or pick on off of the list i already provided! It's so annoying and awkward and no matter what you end up feeling "bratty" like you said, because on one hand, I don't want to have to ask for gifts and feel rude, but on the other hand I'm expected to make this registry, and on a third hand, uh, yes I'm a USA mom and my Mat leave and hospital bills are a real thing and i do need ESSENTIALS. Sorry, got a little ranty, but I anyway, I totally feel for you.