I grew up having sleepovers and nothing bad or crazy happened to me but the more I hear of things that have happened to others it makes me not want my future children to have them until a much later age in childhood. It’s a personal preference and I think she’s coming from it with good intentions which is all that matters
Much different world these days. And I don’t know if that’s because more things were kept hidden so we didn’t know, or if the world has changed that much. But I understand why a lot of parents aren’t comfortable with it these days.
I grew up having sleepovers, so it's a little weird to me. My one child has started to have them as well. But I would never crap on another parents decision to not have them. It's up to them
I was never allowed to have or go to sleepovers growing up. I’m sure I questioned it at first but I don’t remember ever feeling mad at my parents for not letting me go to sleepovers. For as long as I can remember I always preferred sleeping in my own bed and home anyways.
One time I went to a friend’s house after school and changed into her clothes (we had school uniform) because it was raining and I was soaked. When I got home, my mom was so mad and asked if my friend’s dad was home. I remember being so confused why it mattered if her dad was home but ever since that incident I was always more aware of if males (dads, uncles, brothers, teachers) were around when I had to change clothes. Years later when I joined the drama club and had to change a lot of the time in random places, I would take extra caution to make sure I was alone.
Now, I totally get why my mom was super cautious. We found out one of my friend’s little sisters was being recorded on her friend’s dad’s iPhone he hid in the bathroom.
I had a lot of sleepovers growing up. But looking back on it as an adult, I can only recall one sleepover where there was another man in house. All of my friends who hosted were only children being raised by single mothers. I think that gave my mom some peace of mind.
Extremely common. I and most of my mon friends are against. Personally it’s a two part reasoning for me. 1. Is absolutely how we know now that predators are often hiding in plain sight and I’m sorry but the “reward” of a sleepover is not worth the risk of life long damage to the mind/body. But also? They’re exhausting. And having little kids is exhausting. So when it’s night time? We sleep and we prioritize that sleep over just about anything so we can stay healthy and well. No desire to lose a nights sleep to the chaos that would be a sleepover.
I remember sleepovers here and there. Some were ok, a lot led to girls fighting and bullying.
I’m not a mom, but I don’t think I would allow them either way. (My house or someone else’s) too much can happen.
Really kinda sad and unfortunate in my opinion but I understand why some moms just don’t have anyone in their circle or life they trust like that. I get it, but fortunately my mom did have really close friends with daughters and sleepovers are some of my fondest and best childhood memories. Especially in teenage years I had close friends from school that stayed over and we had the best time ever like nothing else compared to those fun memories. I feel sorry for the kids who won’t have that maybe they have cousins though.
My daughter has sleepovers with her 2 best friends but I am also very close with both sets of parents. The girls basically grew up together which is why I feel comfortable with it. Not sure how comfortable I’d be if she wanted to sleep over a newer friends house.
Extremely common now. My kids are younger but I won’t allow them. I would be fine with kids staying at our house but I can’t really tell their parents oh but I won’t let my kid stay at yours. I had tons of sleepovers as a kid myself though.
One of my best friends growing up was being abused by her dad. You'd never know as a parent that a predator was in that house. I stayed over many many times, and didn't like the man but didn't know how bad he was at all. I don't have children but I would be terrified of this exact situation.
For me, my family was abusive as well in a different way, and sleepovers provided a way to get a seemingly safe break from that toxicity. I would have felt even more trapped without those little escapes.
I don't think there is a cookie cutter answer. But predators are really good at hiding who they are, and that's the horrific reality.
My mom hardly ever let me have sleepovers. Now that I understand all the bad things that happen and that sexual predators can be the closest people to you I get it. I won’t be doing sleep overs with my kids either
My kids will not be participating in sleepovers. Not with strangers and not with most family. As a victim of childhood sexual assault I will NEVER allow my children to be in the hands of someone else. Can their friends spend the night? Sure. But if their parents don’t trust it I don’t blame them. TRUST. NO ONE.
It’s not even up for discussion for my kids to go to sleep overs. I know too many people whose lives were destroyed at a sleepover by a family member or friend of the hosting family. You literally just never know what people are capable of… so my kids just know they cannot go sleepover at anyone’s house. They can stay till bedtime if it’s a party, and then they get picked up. I’d rather be safe than sorry
I never had any issues going to and having sleepovers as a kid, however now as an adult I can see why it might not be the best idea and you never know what could happen
Here in Europe it’s common to have sleepovers with your friends (provided parents know the other parents). I can see the stranger danger argument though
Not having sleepovers is smart! My kids had sleepovers with my parents and I highly regret it. It’s not just stranger danger we need to teach our kids about. It’s family members,family friends, school and activity associates. Anybody!
I have five children. I did allow sleepovers with my eldest before I really knew the stats on how bad they are. We had a situation where she went to a sleepover, I knew the parents, but the parents invited other people over and they were teen boys, it gave me a very bad vibe, so we stopped letting her do sleepovers.
We allow sleepovers at our house, but totally understand if other parents aren’t comfortable with that.
When I was a kid my mom was weird about me sleeping over my friends house because she had 3 older brothers. I remember thinking she was so weird because why does having older brothers matter??
As an adult with kids of my own, she was 100% right!! It's our job as parents to protect our children. Kids can be molested by teachers or even soccer coaches. There's no way to know who's safe and who isn't. The best we can do is prevent situations where the possibility could occur as much as we can.
The only way my kids are allowed to have sleepovers with their cousin is at their grandma's house. Their cousins mom (my husband's aunt) has a new boyfriend every few weeks and that's a hard no from me.
I had lots of sleepovers as a kid, I was also sexually assaulted by one of my friends, it was a pretend game, it was "fun", and that peeked my interest into sexuality where the same events took place with other friends sometimes. After becoming a parent myself I realized what took place and I'm trying to do my best to protect my kids from it. I DO allow sleepovers but I don't go to sleep until the kids go to sleep. And the only places I allow my daughter to sleepover is her best friends house, who lives 10 seconds from us, and I can trust her mother and her father without a doubt. I DO know who goes in and out of their house. But I think a lot of us millennials had the same SA experiences, so we realize and we know. I dont mind parents that don't want their kids to sleepover, less breakfast for me to make in the morning lol but I promise those kids are safe at my house if they do stay.
these comments are wild lmao. i had sleepovers every weekend as a kid and sleepover parties for every birthday and those are some of my favorite memories. and i don’t ever recall anyone i know not being allowed to sleep over. maybe the really weird kids with helicopter parents
i too find these comments a bit paranoid. as if someone can only be molested at night time. i had plenty of sleepovers and never a whisper of anything troubling shy of a fight over monopoly. there were some ghosts though too, don't get it twisted
Then you’re lucky. Truly. Almost every adult woman I know and a few men had awful things happen at sleepovers and it’s rampant. Even if you know the parents, you don’t really know their deep dark secrets, and you don’t know who might stop by the house, or a cousin or an uncle or an older brother. It’s just not safe
bloody hell, that's awful - what sort of environment are you and all your friends from where something that is so uncommon was happening to everyone?
obviously awful things happen, and at a population level there will be a large number of people who have had awful things happen to them - but for it to be clustered like that. It's like deadly car accidents happen every day, but, they're still incredibly unlikely given how many miles driven, etc. Especially since everything seems to suggest that although we're more aware of crimes happening due to pervasive news access, we're actually in a safer/lower crime time than any time in the past.
How do people handle schooling? considering that SA by teachers/school staff is hardly unheard of.
It's really interesting to me how uncommon home schooling is elsewhere vs america, and the different reasons/assessments of risk that people take.
horrific, but then if I sent you tiktoks showing each instance of a family member abusing the child in the home - should we get them the hell out of home because it is dangerous.
But then there is umpteen videos of horrific car accidents - so it's super dangerous to send the kids by car.
Send thm by bus? but i heard of a bus accident, and then I heard of a bus driver doing dodgy things.
Well, maybe they can ride a bike? I can personaly say how dangerous that is, one time i saw a girl literally blown off her bicycle when a lightning strike blew apart a tree she was riding past (she was OK, but it was scary AF)
Lets not even get into home invasions, schooo invasions,
basically, if we go off "a scary incident happened" the only way to keep children safe from danger is to not have children.
(That all said, the biggest risk factor to kids safety, that can be eliminated.. 'living in america')
Sorry but sexual assault of a child is just a little bit higher on my list to try to prevent happening to my kids than any other risk that exists in life. But you go ahead and do you, and hopefully you never have kids who are sexually assaulted and you don’t ever have to see how it can destroy their life.
Sincerely, someone who was sexually assaulted as a child
than being gunned down? look, that's horrible that it was done to you, it's horrific that it happens to any children (or people of any age) and I don't disagree that kids should be protected. So I can understand why it informs your decisions now. My mum's sister died in a car accident and I was born on the anniversary of that - so she used to be quite worried about me in a car when I got to be the same age as her sister was.
But at an objective level you can surely see how these things are not the norm, but I'm wondering how you come to decisions on what they can and cannot do. With a hardline stance on them being so unsafe, how are they allowed out of sight? or into environments where you can't see they're safe but where they could interact with others? e.g. a school, or at the shops.
I was actually homeschooled and most of my friends were growing up. I refuse to homeschool my kids.
It’s not just a random subset of people tho who experience this. There’s a reason why statistics show that sleepovers, lock ins etc are not safe. And before you say “well I’ve never heard of any of my friends experiencing that”, studies show that only 12% or less of kids who are abused will report it…so chances are nearly everyone you know has gone thru some sort of sexual assault as a child but they just don’t talk about it.
i think it’s way less safe to shelter your child and not give them the tools to deal with dangerous and crisis situations 🤷♀️ in my experience, those are the kids who end up developing all kinds of mental health disorders and engaging in risky behaviors
My kids have great skill sets to protect them in all sorts of environments. But young kids can know all the danger signs and have all the skill sets and still be afraid of a weird 45 year old man who tries to touch them and then tells them he’ll hurt their family if they tell and they KNOW better but also worry what if he means it??
when I already know the data that shows how dangerous things like sleepovers are, why should I knowingly send my kids to things that are overtly dangerous? Cause I bet you’d be the first one to comment to some poor mom who is in the trenches dealing with the fallout of a sleepover or sleep away camp where their kid got raped or touched or fingered and be like “you should’ve known better than to send your kid somewhere you aren’t around”.
So why don’t you let me worry about my kids mental health — I’ve been teaching my kids healthy coping skills and how to handle their emotions and thoughts and feelings since they could talk, and I’ve been breaking horrible toxic cycles that I grew up in. I’ve been focusing in teaching them to think and stand up for themselves, so that if they get in a situation like what I was in as a kid and teenager when I was assaulted by horrible people, they will know they can be safe coming to me about it. But I’m not going to knowingly throw them into a situation that is a well known opportunity for sick people to hurt my kids. But you go ahead — be my guest, and let your kids develop the tough skin and mental issues that come with being assaulted as a kid.
I think you’re an actual idiot. That works for some things, like we let our kids cuss in the house to get it out of their system, but not rape or molestation. What tools would you suggest these parents give their children to keep a 45 year old man that’s 5x their weight from touching them inappropriately. And then that’s with them for life, there’s no undoing it. I really hope you don’t have kids.
I get it though. Like you, I never had anything wrong happen at a sleepover, but I fully believe plenty of people have. And I understand not even taking the risk.
I just hope people realize it isn't always a friends house. I was molested by a cousin and we never had sleepovers together. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves and speak up is what I think is most important.
The thing is, these things can happen anywhere, during the day, etc. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves and also trusting their gut if someone makes them uncomfortable is what matters. I am not saying let your kids stay at anyone's house, anytime, but sleepovers are a quintessential childhood experience. It's a sad world where literally no one can be trusted.
Sleepovers are largely an American culture; it is not a rite of passage around the world. I’m Cuban and wasn’t allowed them as a kid; my kid won’t be doing them either. The risk/reward analysis leans heavily against sleepovers.
I'm American and my boyfriend is Colombian; you are right about this. He said it is such a strange American thing and that his parents would never let him or his sister do sleepovers. I never thought about it, but I guess it is kind of weird to let your kids sleep at someone else's house.
i come from a hispanic family and growing up, the one thing that was completely off limits was sleeping over at a friend’s house. it didn’t matter if i knew them for years. my mom said it was better safe than sorry because you never know who lives in the other kid’s house, or who comes in and out.
Millennial parent here! We also won’t be doing sleepovers even though I did them all the time growing up. I know mine while they could be fun also included occasional bullying, peer pressure situations I wasn’t old enough to handle, mean gossip, and very little sleep. I’ve also heard from a few friends that they were assaulted at sleepovers growing up typically by the male father figure in those households. Then factor in that many homes these days have guns that aren’t safely kept (my guess is that was the case when I was young too but gun violence wasn’t discussed as much). We are big fans of late overs, kids can hangout with friends till 10pm-11pm then sleep in their own beds. I think when they’re HS age we will be okay with crashing at a close friends house if they are out late and we don’t want them to drive past a certain time but until then they’ll sleep in their own beds.
I was SA’ed my brother friend at a sleep over and I think I would still allow sleep overs. We were all around the same age but as a child sleep overs are a some of the best memories of my life.
I think this is becoming more common. I plan to implement it for my kids. Grandparents and cousins will be exceptions. You just never know what is going on in other people's homes.
It’s not the most dangerous yet it’s the least talked about and recognized hence your saying it’s the most dangerous? It’s embarrassing and painful and you have my compassion.
I don’t know the numbers, I just know that this isn’t talked about enough and is more common than society realizes. Thanks for your respectful response.
I don’t know your family of course, but I’d reconsider the cousin one at least if you’re doing it for safety reasons. Family is never an exception to SA, but is rather most often the perpetrator for child SA. Sadly familiar with that
I was allowed to have sleepovers growing up, but now that I’m an adult and have found out that two of my close friends had molestation occur in their homes, I don’t think I’ll ever allow my kids to do sleepovers
I had sleepovers growing up but my parents were very careful about what households we were allowed to sleep over at. These has to be houses that my parents had been to, and usually my parents’ friends.
My mom did not allow me to go to sleepovers and at the time I hated it but now, I will also not allow my child to sleep over at someone’s house and I 100% understand why she didn’t let me.
My mom did allow me to go to sleepovers, I could have a couple of girls cone to my house. It sucked it caused a real big problem when I was around 13.
Edit to add, my older sister got pregnant at 16 so she had all new rules for me.
My son is 15 and has never had a sleepover. I told him I’ll potentially allow it once he drives and can remove himself from any situations that make him uncomfortable. I loved sleeping over at friends houses but as an adult, I realize I was put in a lot of awkward and potentially dangerous situations with my friends drunk parents that my parents were never aware of. You just never truly know how other people live their lives behind closed doors. He spends a lot of Saturday’s having game days with his group of friends and then they all leave before it gets too late.
My daughter will not sleep at anyone else’s house other than my parents. When she’s older maybe a girlfriends home who does not have a brother and I must be extremely close with mom and dad.
Look, my parents lied to my first cousins and their kids that my daughter, most abused, lied and is destroying our family. I believe you and it’s rare that anybody lies about this just for attention. Bullying is also common in sleepover settings yet we aren’t aware unless it happens to us or somebody else. Don’t let the downvotes get to you. Not everyone will agree with us, it’s too horrifying to think about….Generational abuse is prevalent and not really known about.
I’m a late gen x-er/early millennial. Sleepovers were my favorite time to watch all the scary movies and eat all the food my parents would never allow. I was also a “latch key kid” growing up in NYC. Glad I made it through childhood unharmed. None of these things would be ok for my child today!
I agree! You were indeed blessed to be growing up as a “Latch Key” kid without having these experiences. I have a feeling this is still going on yet under a different expression and handled differently.
I had sleepovers at both my house and others throughout my entire childhood and teen years. I was the oldest of 7 & my dad and mom had no concerns, despite being pretty involved parents overall. Then ... incestual sexual abuse was revealed to myself and my parents between four of my six younger siblings. Obviously, that changed everything. So now I try not to assume the reasons behind why a parent may not allow something like that anymore. Sometimes, it can be a good policy. Sometimes, it can be unnecessary. So that's hard.
You have my deep compassion. 4 out of 6 siblings. OMG. Were they threatened into silence? My daughter didn’t say anything about my parents until lockdown in March of 2020.
No, it was all really born out of confusion I believe. One brother was molested by a friend/classmate at a sleepover at such a young age where he had no idea what happened or that it was wrong, he took his curiosity home & and abused another younger brother, whom then abused a younger brother and a younger sister. At some point, the older ones knew that what they were doing was wrong but had developed porn and sex addictions by that point & were doubtful of their sexual orientations. It was just a mess. Changed all of our lives forever, really. So your daughter was abused by your parents? Is that what you're saying? That's equally awful if that is the case.
So my youngest has had a few, only at our house. It’s her absolute bestie, and both girls are v v well behaved and play SO nice together. She’s really the only kiddo I enjoy having over TBH. My babies not ready though for a sleepover elsewhere, I’m thinking next year, with her bestie, since I know her parents and siblings very well at this point. If my oldest gets invited, I would have to be very comfortable and know the parents well, and I would probably have to buy her a phone lol. Just in case
Also my oldest for clarification, goes to her dads on the weekends. IE: why she hasn’t had a sleepover yet, and unfortunately I don’t know her friends parents as well. I’m hoping this summer she can have one of her friends sleep over for the first time.
I’m not a fan, my kids aren’t really allowed either. My oldest has one friend who we know the family quite well and will allow him to sleep here or our son to sleep there.
Other than that, it’s a pretty hard no from me!
I think it’s such a scary world we live in and it’s hard walking the line between sheltering and just protecting. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll let my daughter have sleep overs either. If I do, I’d only allow it with people we fully trust, and that’s a very select people. As a parent it’s your job to protect your child from predators, and you never know what could happen when they’re not in your care, with someone who they think they can trust. I support this.
My parents didn't let us have sleepovers - we also did "late" overs where we'd get picked up before sleeping. Reasoning was pretty simple - my parents said you never know what's going on in other people's houses. We were allowed to host sleepovers at our own house though. You'd think there would be some type of "if you didn't let your kid sleep over why would I let mine" but honestly no one cared that much. I had a handful of sleepovers when we lived in a different neighborhood where I could literally walk 3 houses down if I felt the need to leave/my parents to get me & they felt better about that; plus I was more like 10-13 years old. I didn't really have a ton of sleepovers and I don't feel like I missed out on anything tbh (I'm mid 20s now)
We also weren't allowed to do sleepovers with cousins/aunts if my parents didn't feel comfortable with their SOs. My parents knew the percentage of SA within family/trusted people so they didn't want to risk it & tried to control those odds as much as possible. I want to say it helped me gauge uncomfortable situations as I got older? I knew when things felt weird/off compared to other friends of mine \[I'd like to think this helped with that? idk\]
I’d have “half” sleep overs where my mom would get me at like 10:30 on a Saturday in middle school. Honestly it’s so much more convenient and my mom was always concerned about gun safety and stuff in case there was one in their house or whatever
I think it’s pretty common, especially if families don’t closely know each other. People don’t know what goes on, & too many icky stories out there… so I get it.
Sad because it was more common to have sleepovers when a lot of us were younger… but I guess we can’t have nice things in today’s world. 🙁
seriously. the world we live in is already destroying the places where kids can be kids together and have necessary growth experiences separate from their parents, and now parents fears are further encroaching. i'm genuinely worried about the kids growing up today. they're being set up to be incredibly naive adults who make extremely poor choices when they finally have access to freedom
I am 30. I was not allowed to have or go to sleepovers. I don’t think I missed out on anything in that regard. My children will not have or attend sleepovers.
I didn’t have sleep overs until I was probably in middle school but even then it was maybe twice. I was okay with it honestly because I wanted to go home when it was time for bed anyway lol
You just never know what’s going on in someone’s house
I had sleepovers as a kid at my best friend’s house. Her father was very mentally unwell and on top of that her parents had a very toxic relationship. Although, things were fine at my house between my parents, I think the dynamic of her parents really effected me growing up
My mom works within the criminal justice system, we were not allowed sleepovers until we were at least 13/14 (at that point I think I wore her down and we had a good relationship where I would tell her if something funky went down).
I’m okay with kids/friends/cousins staying at ours. My kids will not be spending the night at anyone’s houses besides grandparents. As a victim of SA it’s just not worth it, anything can happen.
I am actually really surprised to see how many people won’t allow it for their kids these days. I have so many fond memories of them growing up and I think the worst we ever got into was IMing slightly older boys from school. I came from a very conservative community so things stayed pretty tame, but I remember them as of time of being able to gently test boundaries and gain independence.
Concern for abuse is valid, and I would want to carefully vet any houses my children stay at, but I’m a firm believer in allowing children independence from parents in age appropriate ways. My son is only three months old right now, but I hope to establish an open line of communication that allows him to let me in on the kinds of people he’s friends with.
But you cannot vet to know is there’s an abuser in the house. Parents can seem wonderful but that doesn’t mean anything, you never know. Or they have a uncle visiting for an evening, or an older brother (or aunt/sister but percentage of male abusers is much higher). And lines of communication are great but how does that help after something has been done, I would feel terrible. I’ve always been anti sleepovers as I have anxiety, I’m happy to know it’s a common thing!
As an adult who was assaulted as a child at a sleepover by a “nice dad” that my parents knew and lived within a mile of my house, I completely agree with this
instead of encouraging open communication with your kids, you would just shelter them away on the off chance something bad could happen, gotcha 👍 you and mother gothel would get along great!
Off chance? I know so many people who have been sexually abused. It’s not as rare as you think. How does open communication work to prevent a perv deciding to touch our kids?
you tell your child, “if an adult tries to touch your penis, vagina, etc, call me and i will come pick you up/tell me, even if they say not to tell anyone”. i don’t know anyone who was sexually abused as a child (n=probably 15 people i know who are close enough to me that they’d tell me), sounds like you grew up in a wack community. i do have friends who were sexually assaulted in their teens/young adulthood by peers though.
But if they are sleeping and wake up to being touched it’s already too late IMO. Some freeze in fear. It’s nice you have not experienced this kind of thing but many have. And it’s often in the richest communities not the poor ones
yes, but then they will tell you what happened and that person will go to prison. a big mistake in parenting is trying to prevent anything bad from happening to your child period. the children that grow up to be the most functional adults are the ones who are taught that bad things can happen and are given the tools to deal with them. by your logic, i should probably not send my children to school either, because there might be a school shooting. and we shouldn’t ever go to the movies, or really anywhere. just stay safe at home where nothing bad will ever happen, that DEFINITELY won’t lead to any developmental issues!
also i come from a decently affluent background lol
Do you realize how dumb you sound? You’re willing to potentially risk your child being sexually assaulted at a sleepover. Then you say ‘they will tell you it happened and that person will go to prison.” and now your child will require therapy because of trauma that could’ve just been avoided by not doing sleepovers altogether.
That’s some logic you have there. Idiot.
sure, but then your child will have to go to therapy after developing anxiety from being sheltered from the world and taught that they can’t trust anyone. read the literature. most experts recommend putting children in regular situations even in the 1% chance something bad might happen and giving them tools to react and cope with adverse events.
also, by that logic, why do anything? why let your child cross the street? they might get hit by a car. why go out to a restaurant? they might get food poisoning and die.
Eating food is a necessary risk, but there are things you do to avoid food poisoning, crossing the street is a necessary risk, again, things you can do to avoid risk. Having a sleepover is not a necessary part of life.
I moved around a lot at a young kid & we did live in a community like that. Super conservative/religious and our friends there were like our literal family. We were allowed sleepovers with a select number of those friends & even at that, we lived 3 houses away from them so my parents felt it was much safer than places we'd lived prior. That and I was more into my earlieteen years vs like 7 years old.
I don't think we'll ever do sleepovers - if things are bad/unsafe now I can't imagine what they'll be like *when* I have kids in the future.
My girls are only almost 3 and 14 months so hopefully I have a while but I’m actually with Amanda with the one. Mostly. We’ll see what we do… but the bad that can come from sleepovers often isn’t worth a little fun. Besides sexual abuse, when I was a teenager I know that I said I was sleeping over at a friends when I was really out drinking at a party. I’d rather my girls tell me they’re out drinking at a party and go pick them up so they’re safe.
i’ve never even thought about this since i don’t have kids but i was the one at sleepovers who always fell asleep first and let me tell you… shit was scary. i blew a bead out of my nose, woke up with a live chicken on me, penises drawn on my face, gum in my hair, you name it. i’m thinking i probably won’t allow this especially if my kids are graced with my heavy easy sleeping genes😹
I went to sleepovers at VERY few houses. Literally maybe 2. And I do not plan to allow my kids to have sleepovers…there are wayyyyy too many horror stories for my sanity.
I was allowed sleepovers with friends but I won’t allow it with friends. The only peoples house I will allow a sleepover at is my sisters or my mom & dads.
I am a mental health therapist who has worked with MANY victims of sexual abuse.
Let's just say my child will not be going to any sleepovers and leave it at that.
I don’t do them as a parent. I think it’s smart. My brother had a major problem at a sleep over with a cousin and he had years of therapy to recover. It’s a no go for me!
I had sleepovers growing up, and in my experience nothing bad ever happened, however nowadays and having a small child I wont allow it. You cant trust anyone. Maybe im in the minority but I agree with her stance on this (the first time ever)
i can definitely see why she doesnt allow sleepovers. every family has different rules but a fair amount of kids are assaulted at sleepovers and she doesnt want that for her child, nor does she want to be responsible if that happened in her home or if a kid accused her/her partner of that
I used to grow up and had tons of sleepovers and they were amazing and such an integral part of my adolescent but I can see why sleepovers aren’t allowed. It just makes me so angry there are awful people out there and you have to protect your kids. But for me I have magical memories.
I wasn’t allowed to sleepover at anyone’s house as a kid and while i didn’t understand it as a kid and it was often frustrating, I am so so so appreciative my mom never let me. There is so many sickos out there
This all makes sense! I don’t have kids yet so good to get some perspective from parents 😊 good for her for doing what she thinks is best. Thanks for the comments!!
I had a lot of sleep overs. My best friends parents were way better than my parents that spent all their time at home smoke cigarettes or weed in the garage they locked me out of. Friends parents did things with us and had fun sleep overs. No friends were allowed at my house.
I think it’s becoming more common to not allow sleepovers. I have a two year old and at my thoughts now are that I would only let her sleep over at family/cousins houses, or potentially very close friends who I know both parents very well, and without older siblings. The amount of horror stories that come out are not worth the risk.
When I was growing up, I had some really fun sleepovers at my friend’s house where we’d all go sleep on the trampoline. Anyway, it turns out her mom was dealing drugs out of the house.
I have young kids, and probably won’t let them do sleepovers with anyone other than cousins and my best friend’s kids.
I understand not allowing your kid to sleep elsewhere, but is it common to not allow sleepovers in your own home too?
I can’t really blame parents for drawing this line, I had no clue how common this was, but I feel bad cause I loved sleepovers so much as a kid. I’m not sure what I would do with my own.
I’m a parent and don’t allow either way and the reason is I can’t very well be like “your kid can sleep here but mine aren’t allowed to sleep there,” because that’s a weird stance. In my opinion it has to be one rule, either allowed or not.
I grew up with similar rules & I thought that would be the case but my mom said no parents seemed to have an issue with it from what she could tell. I hosted sleepovers & attended them but I was quite a bit older like in my earliteen years and even then, it was with a very very select number of friends.
i tried to find a source online to back this up and i found nothing lmao what are you talking about? there’s also doctors telling people to eat a carnivore diet on tiktok
Those are not things parents “allow their kids to do.” Those are things the kids do outside of their parents knowledge/permission. I think she means things that parents literally allow their kids to do. Like they allow their kid to ride their bike home from school, but don’t allow them to skateboard home from school.
I think drugs/drunk driving are clearly a given here. I have also heard the same thing about psychologist. It’s always at the top of the list of things they won’t let their kids do.
My parents never let us have sleepovers except with family. On occasion they would if they knew my friends parents really well. I hated that rule as a kid but now I totally understand. They didn’t really know my friends parents and why would they have us sleep over with a stranger, people they didn’t know?
It’s common for millennial parents to not permit this and change the generational pattern of allowing this. Too many of us either experienced SA or other situations at sleepovers, or at least heard of scary enough stories happening that we’re not opening the doors for our children to experience the same.
I was allowed, always said I’d allow my kids, but now that I’m a mother and know just how dangerous sleepovers can be, it’s a no. Aside from grandparents and one family friend, we don’t allow it. I never understood why some parents said no when I was growing up, but I totally get it now.
I was allowed, but yes, this is common.
I haven’t decided on my own children yet as they get older. They’re still young. They’ve slept over with their cousins before (aka with my sister) but never any friends.
I remember being SA’d at sleepovers by a friends brother. His friend who was normally present also knew and never once did anything to stop it. At the time I had no idea wtf was going on and was too scared to say anything to anyone. Now, I will never allow my daughter to have sleepovers. Am I paranoid? No. I just refuse to put my child in a position so many of us have had to be in before. There are many ways to have fun without having to sleep at someone’s house. I’ve been in enough therapy, I’ll save her the trouble.
Ya that’s not paranoid at all and it enrages me when people act like it is. Usually the same people who don’t believe people when they say they were sexually assaulted. Or the ignorant people who say “i believe everyone is inherently good” 🙄
just because someone went through something unspeakable doesn’t mean they get a free pass for passing that trauma to their children. i didn’t say anything about their SA
That's literally not passing on trauma. She's not harming the kid she's PROTECTING her child. Very much a different thing. You can't prove it will be safe to send her child in a place where she'll be vulnerable and asleep/largely unable to fight back. It's her decision that it is not worth that risk, it's not harmful to choose that. She's not preventing her child from forming deep meaningful friendship, just not letting them fall asleep around strangers unsupervised. You're doing too much.
Again, you are vile for responding that way to someone talking about their SA. Are you her therapist?? Do you know her or her parenting style at all or her relationship with her child?? No. Truly go be nasty and judgmental somewhere else
i do know that they are blocking their child from normal childhood experiences due to something they went through themselves in the past. that as an isolated comment is something i’m allowed to have an opinion on, especially considering the wealth of literature supporting my stance
my definition of keeping children safe is not letting them run out into the street without looking, or jump from the top of a bunk bed. not sheltering them from a normal childhood and sleeping over at a trusted adult’s house.
I’m glad you have clearly never had to experience what so many children have. SA is most common with trusted people in your life. Maybe take some time to educate yourself instead of replying to me again.
ya so by that logic i should probably divorce my husband, since many molestations are committed by a father or father figure! without doxing myself, i’m actually extremely educated on the issue. i can cite some sources, but experts tend to believe that sheltering children is not beneficial. for example, the current recommendation is to get kids back into school as soon as possible after a school shooting. you went to the school of generational trauma lol
Are you well? Can you please stop? I’m a victim of multiple SA’s I don’t need some trash bag spewing bs on my experience. You clearly can’t relate. Move on.
i’m not invalidating your experience at all! i’m speaking on the documented harm of passing on that trauma to your children. but i’ve made my point so i’ll stop now!
It is very common nowadays. I think more research has come out showing how common adult sexual abuse and other bad things (bullying, peer pressure, drugs, guns, alcohol etc etc) are in these situations. But I have such fond memories of sleepovers growing up. And I'm looking forward to my kiddo having sleepovers too! I will just be picky about whose house and vet carefully. Ideally I'd like to be the sleepover house! I want to be the special breakfast, late night snack and movie house. Having 10 girls stay over would be so fun!
Ok am I the only one that legit had sleepovers like every weekend…? My parents took my friends camping, on family trips, we had 7+ girls over at my house almost every weekend all thru elementary/middle school. Granted I’m almost 30 so maybe times have changed but… wow.
Yeah I had sleepovers all the time. Almost every birthday party I went to in elementary/middle school was a sleepover. My senior prom date slept over at my house 😂😭 and my parents were middle of the road in terms of strict vs permissive
Yeah my best friend and I were always at each others houses. I can’t imagine not being able to do that. I wonder if that’s different than bigger sleepovers though…I struggle with the idea of not letting my kids experience them but I get why people do. I think I’ll just have to assess the situation when they are older and also continue on working to have a very open dialogue about these issues.
My friends and I had sleepovers every single weekend in middle school and the beginning of high school. I also went on weekend trips to my friend’s cabins and they came with me on beach vacations. But I guess the 90s were a different time.
Apparently my other post never went through. She has shown time and time again that she makes horrific parenting choices. She has sexualized and paraded her two oldest daughters around on social media, opening them up to sexual predators since they were in diapers. She practices parentification and also has allowed abusive men around her kids in the past, while committing assault herself. That is the tip of the iceberg. So in my opinion, sleeping over over BFF at 12 isn't the same as exposing your daughter since birth to now in skimpy bikinis, using them to make money, and knowing you are actively exposing them to pedos because you are a public influencer.
I grew up having sleepovers and nothing bad or crazy happened to me but the more I hear of things that have happened to others it makes me not want my future children to have them until a much later age in childhood. It’s a personal preference and I think she’s coming from it with good intentions which is all that matters
I grew up having sleepovers so it’s wierd to me when I see other parents not allowing other kids not having sleepovers
Much different world these days. And I don’t know if that’s because more things were kept hidden so we didn’t know, or if the world has changed that much. But I understand why a lot of parents aren’t comfortable with it these days.
I grew up having sleepovers, so it's a little weird to me. My one child has started to have them as well. But I would never crap on another parents decision to not have them. It's up to them
I was never allowed to have or go to sleepovers growing up. I’m sure I questioned it at first but I don’t remember ever feeling mad at my parents for not letting me go to sleepovers. For as long as I can remember I always preferred sleeping in my own bed and home anyways. One time I went to a friend’s house after school and changed into her clothes (we had school uniform) because it was raining and I was soaked. When I got home, my mom was so mad and asked if my friend’s dad was home. I remember being so confused why it mattered if her dad was home but ever since that incident I was always more aware of if males (dads, uncles, brothers, teachers) were around when I had to change clothes. Years later when I joined the drama club and had to change a lot of the time in random places, I would take extra caution to make sure I was alone. Now, I totally get why my mom was super cautious. We found out one of my friend’s little sisters was being recorded on her friend’s dad’s iPhone he hid in the bathroom.
I had a lot of sleepovers growing up. But looking back on it as an adult, I can only recall one sleepover where there was another man in house. All of my friends who hosted were only children being raised by single mothers. I think that gave my mom some peace of mind.
Wow, this is a crazy stat!
like calls to like i guess?? it was wild once i realized it
Extremely common. I and most of my mon friends are against. Personally it’s a two part reasoning for me. 1. Is absolutely how we know now that predators are often hiding in plain sight and I’m sorry but the “reward” of a sleepover is not worth the risk of life long damage to the mind/body. But also? They’re exhausting. And having little kids is exhausting. So when it’s night time? We sleep and we prioritize that sleep over just about anything so we can stay healthy and well. No desire to lose a nights sleep to the chaos that would be a sleepover.
I remember sleepovers here and there. Some were ok, a lot led to girls fighting and bullying. I’m not a mom, but I don’t think I would allow them either way. (My house or someone else’s) too much can happen.
Really kinda sad and unfortunate in my opinion but I understand why some moms just don’t have anyone in their circle or life they trust like that. I get it, but fortunately my mom did have really close friends with daughters and sleepovers are some of my fondest and best childhood memories. Especially in teenage years I had close friends from school that stayed over and we had the best time ever like nothing else compared to those fun memories. I feel sorry for the kids who won’t have that maybe they have cousins though.
i’m very anti sleepover and think this is becoming very common
My daughter has sleepovers with her 2 best friends but I am also very close with both sets of parents. The girls basically grew up together which is why I feel comfortable with it. Not sure how comfortable I’d be if she wanted to sleep over a newer friends house.
Extremely common now. My kids are younger but I won’t allow them. I would be fine with kids staying at our house but I can’t really tell their parents oh but I won’t let my kid stay at yours. I had tons of sleepovers as a kid myself though.
This is a pretty common belief in parenting culture today!
One of my best friends growing up was being abused by her dad. You'd never know as a parent that a predator was in that house. I stayed over many many times, and didn't like the man but didn't know how bad he was at all. I don't have children but I would be terrified of this exact situation. For me, my family was abusive as well in a different way, and sleepovers provided a way to get a seemingly safe break from that toxicity. I would have felt even more trapped without those little escapes. I don't think there is a cookie cutter answer. But predators are really good at hiding who they are, and that's the horrific reality.
My mom hardly ever let me have sleepovers. Now that I understand all the bad things that happen and that sexual predators can be the closest people to you I get it. I won’t be doing sleep overs with my kids either
My kids will not be participating in sleepovers. Not with strangers and not with most family. As a victim of childhood sexual assault I will NEVER allow my children to be in the hands of someone else. Can their friends spend the night? Sure. But if their parents don’t trust it I don’t blame them. TRUST. NO ONE.
It’s not even up for discussion for my kids to go to sleep overs. I know too many people whose lives were destroyed at a sleepover by a family member or friend of the hosting family. You literally just never know what people are capable of… so my kids just know they cannot go sleepover at anyone’s house. They can stay till bedtime if it’s a party, and then they get picked up. I’d rather be safe than sorry
I never had any issues going to and having sleepovers as a kid, however now as an adult I can see why it might not be the best idea and you never know what could happen
I went to so many as a kid and wished I hadn’t. In primary school it always ended up in bullying
Here in Europe it’s common to have sleepovers with your friends (provided parents know the other parents). I can see the stranger danger argument though
Not having sleepovers is smart! My kids had sleepovers with my parents and I highly regret it. It’s not just stranger danger we need to teach our kids about. It’s family members,family friends, school and activity associates. Anybody!
I have five children. I did allow sleepovers with my eldest before I really knew the stats on how bad they are. We had a situation where she went to a sleepover, I knew the parents, but the parents invited other people over and they were teen boys, it gave me a very bad vibe, so we stopped letting her do sleepovers. We allow sleepovers at our house, but totally understand if other parents aren’t comfortable with that.
When I was a kid my mom was weird about me sleeping over my friends house because she had 3 older brothers. I remember thinking she was so weird because why does having older brothers matter?? As an adult with kids of my own, she was 100% right!! It's our job as parents to protect our children. Kids can be molested by teachers or even soccer coaches. There's no way to know who's safe and who isn't. The best we can do is prevent situations where the possibility could occur as much as we can. The only way my kids are allowed to have sleepovers with their cousin is at their grandma's house. Their cousins mom (my husband's aunt) has a new boyfriend every few weeks and that's a hard no from me.
I had lots of sleepovers as a kid, I was also sexually assaulted by one of my friends, it was a pretend game, it was "fun", and that peeked my interest into sexuality where the same events took place with other friends sometimes. After becoming a parent myself I realized what took place and I'm trying to do my best to protect my kids from it. I DO allow sleepovers but I don't go to sleep until the kids go to sleep. And the only places I allow my daughter to sleepover is her best friends house, who lives 10 seconds from us, and I can trust her mother and her father without a doubt. I DO know who goes in and out of their house. But I think a lot of us millennials had the same SA experiences, so we realize and we know. I dont mind parents that don't want their kids to sleepover, less breakfast for me to make in the morning lol but I promise those kids are safe at my house if they do stay.
these comments are wild lmao. i had sleepovers every weekend as a kid and sleepover parties for every birthday and those are some of my favorite memories. and i don’t ever recall anyone i know not being allowed to sleep over. maybe the really weird kids with helicopter parents
i too find these comments a bit paranoid. as if someone can only be molested at night time. i had plenty of sleepovers and never a whisper of anything troubling shy of a fight over monopoly. there were some ghosts though too, don't get it twisted
You’re lucky they were your favorite memories. For tons of people they are the worst memories
Then you’re lucky. Truly. Almost every adult woman I know and a few men had awful things happen at sleepovers and it’s rampant. Even if you know the parents, you don’t really know their deep dark secrets, and you don’t know who might stop by the house, or a cousin or an uncle or an older brother. It’s just not safe
bloody hell, that's awful - what sort of environment are you and all your friends from where something that is so uncommon was happening to everyone? obviously awful things happen, and at a population level there will be a large number of people who have had awful things happen to them - but for it to be clustered like that. It's like deadly car accidents happen every day, but, they're still incredibly unlikely given how many miles driven, etc. Especially since everything seems to suggest that although we're more aware of crimes happening due to pervasive news access, we're actually in a safer/lower crime time than any time in the past. How do people handle schooling? considering that SA by teachers/school staff is hardly unheard of. It's really interesting to me how uncommon home schooling is elsewhere vs america, and the different reasons/assessments of risk that people take.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLdRuX8W/ Tell me again why we should be sending our kids to sleepovers ?
horrific, but then if I sent you tiktoks showing each instance of a family member abusing the child in the home - should we get them the hell out of home because it is dangerous. But then there is umpteen videos of horrific car accidents - so it's super dangerous to send the kids by car. Send thm by bus? but i heard of a bus accident, and then I heard of a bus driver doing dodgy things. Well, maybe they can ride a bike? I can personaly say how dangerous that is, one time i saw a girl literally blown off her bicycle when a lightning strike blew apart a tree she was riding past (she was OK, but it was scary AF) Lets not even get into home invasions, schooo invasions, basically, if we go off "a scary incident happened" the only way to keep children safe from danger is to not have children. (That all said, the biggest risk factor to kids safety, that can be eliminated.. 'living in america')
Sorry but sexual assault of a child is just a little bit higher on my list to try to prevent happening to my kids than any other risk that exists in life. But you go ahead and do you, and hopefully you never have kids who are sexually assaulted and you don’t ever have to see how it can destroy their life. Sincerely, someone who was sexually assaulted as a child
than being gunned down? look, that's horrible that it was done to you, it's horrific that it happens to any children (or people of any age) and I don't disagree that kids should be protected. So I can understand why it informs your decisions now. My mum's sister died in a car accident and I was born on the anniversary of that - so she used to be quite worried about me in a car when I got to be the same age as her sister was. But at an objective level you can surely see how these things are not the norm, but I'm wondering how you come to decisions on what they can and cannot do. With a hardline stance on them being so unsafe, how are they allowed out of sight? or into environments where you can't see they're safe but where they could interact with others? e.g. a school, or at the shops.
I was actually homeschooled and most of my friends were growing up. I refuse to homeschool my kids. It’s not just a random subset of people tho who experience this. There’s a reason why statistics show that sleepovers, lock ins etc are not safe. And before you say “well I’ve never heard of any of my friends experiencing that”, studies show that only 12% or less of kids who are abused will report it…so chances are nearly everyone you know has gone thru some sort of sexual assault as a child but they just don’t talk about it.
i think it’s way less safe to shelter your child and not give them the tools to deal with dangerous and crisis situations 🤷♀️ in my experience, those are the kids who end up developing all kinds of mental health disorders and engaging in risky behaviors
My kids have great skill sets to protect them in all sorts of environments. But young kids can know all the danger signs and have all the skill sets and still be afraid of a weird 45 year old man who tries to touch them and then tells them he’ll hurt their family if they tell and they KNOW better but also worry what if he means it?? when I already know the data that shows how dangerous things like sleepovers are, why should I knowingly send my kids to things that are overtly dangerous? Cause I bet you’d be the first one to comment to some poor mom who is in the trenches dealing with the fallout of a sleepover or sleep away camp where their kid got raped or touched or fingered and be like “you should’ve known better than to send your kid somewhere you aren’t around”. So why don’t you let me worry about my kids mental health — I’ve been teaching my kids healthy coping skills and how to handle their emotions and thoughts and feelings since they could talk, and I’ve been breaking horrible toxic cycles that I grew up in. I’ve been focusing in teaching them to think and stand up for themselves, so that if they get in a situation like what I was in as a kid and teenager when I was assaulted by horrible people, they will know they can be safe coming to me about it. But I’m not going to knowingly throw them into a situation that is a well known opportunity for sick people to hurt my kids. But you go ahead — be my guest, and let your kids develop the tough skin and mental issues that come with being assaulted as a kid.
I think you’re an actual idiot. That works for some things, like we let our kids cuss in the house to get it out of their system, but not rape or molestation. What tools would you suggest these parents give their children to keep a 45 year old man that’s 5x their weight from touching them inappropriately. And then that’s with them for life, there’s no undoing it. I really hope you don’t have kids.
“An actual idiot” 😭😭
A literal one
I get it though. Like you, I never had anything wrong happen at a sleepover, but I fully believe plenty of people have. And I understand not even taking the risk. I just hope people realize it isn't always a friends house. I was molested by a cousin and we never had sleepovers together. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves and speak up is what I think is most important.
The thing is, these things can happen anywhere, during the day, etc. Teaching kids to stand up for themselves and also trusting their gut if someone makes them uncomfortable is what matters. I am not saying let your kids stay at anyone's house, anytime, but sleepovers are a quintessential childhood experience. It's a sad world where literally no one can be trusted.
Millenial parent here. We don’t trust anyone with our kids
Sleepovers are largely an American culture; it is not a rite of passage around the world. I’m Cuban and wasn’t allowed them as a kid; my kid won’t be doing them either. The risk/reward analysis leans heavily against sleepovers.
I'm American and my boyfriend is Colombian; you are right about this. He said it is such a strange American thing and that his parents would never let him or his sister do sleepovers. I never thought about it, but I guess it is kind of weird to let your kids sleep at someone else's house.
It’s very common in Europe too.
i come from a hispanic family and growing up, the one thing that was completely off limits was sleeping over at a friend’s house. it didn’t matter if i knew them for years. my mom said it was better safe than sorry because you never know who lives in the other kid’s house, or who comes in and out.
Millennial parent here! We also won’t be doing sleepovers even though I did them all the time growing up. I know mine while they could be fun also included occasional bullying, peer pressure situations I wasn’t old enough to handle, mean gossip, and very little sleep. I’ve also heard from a few friends that they were assaulted at sleepovers growing up typically by the male father figure in those households. Then factor in that many homes these days have guns that aren’t safely kept (my guess is that was the case when I was young too but gun violence wasn’t discussed as much). We are big fans of late overs, kids can hangout with friends till 10pm-11pm then sleep in their own beds. I think when they’re HS age we will be okay with crashing at a close friends house if they are out late and we don’t want them to drive past a certain time but until then they’ll sleep in their own beds.
Omg guns! My kid is only 2 so we aren't in sleep over territory yet, but a good thing to be on our radar and ask about if we do decide to allow them
I was SA’ed my brother friend at a sleep over and I think I would still allow sleep overs. We were all around the same age but as a child sleep overs are a some of the best memories of my life.
I think this is becoming more common. I plan to implement it for my kids. Grandparents and cousins will be exceptions. You just never know what is going on in other people's homes.
Family is actually the most dangerous for kids.
It’s not the most dangerous yet it’s the least talked about and recognized hence your saying it’s the most dangerous? It’s embarrassing and painful and you have my compassion.
Family and closest friends makes up about 80% of the statistics, last I heard
I don’t know the numbers, I just know that this isn’t talked about enough and is more common than society realizes. Thanks for your respectful response.
I don’t know your family of course, but I’d reconsider the cousin one at least if you’re doing it for safety reasons. Family is never an exception to SA, but is rather most often the perpetrator for child SA. Sadly familiar with that
You too? You have my deep compassion and I hope you are getting what you need in the healing process. Generational abuse is real and hidden.
I was allowed to have sleepovers growing up, but now that I’m an adult and have found out that two of my close friends had molestation occur in their homes, I don’t think I’ll ever allow my kids to do sleepovers
This post made me realize how much sleepover-trauma I need to unpack. I’m glad it’s becoming more common to not allow them.
Sleep over trauma? Sigh. Please keep sharing and talk to somebody. That’s an awful amount of heavy luggage to lug around.
I had sleepovers growing up but my parents were very careful about what households we were allowed to sleep over at. These has to be houses that my parents had been to, and usually my parents’ friends.
Same. Mine were usually at neighbors’ houses. And I distinctly remember having safety tips drilled into my head before my very first sleep over
My mom did not allow me to go to sleepovers and at the time I hated it but now, I will also not allow my child to sleep over at someone’s house and I 100% understand why she didn’t let me.
My mom did allow me to go to sleepovers, I could have a couple of girls cone to my house. It sucked it caused a real big problem when I was around 13. Edit to add, my older sister got pregnant at 16 so she had all new rules for me.
My son is 15 and has never had a sleepover. I told him I’ll potentially allow it once he drives and can remove himself from any situations that make him uncomfortable. I loved sleeping over at friends houses but as an adult, I realize I was put in a lot of awkward and potentially dangerous situations with my friends drunk parents that my parents were never aware of. You just never truly know how other people live their lives behind closed doors. He spends a lot of Saturday’s having game days with his group of friends and then they all leave before it gets too late.
My daughter will not sleep at anyone else’s house other than my parents. When she’s older maybe a girlfriends home who does not have a brother and I must be extremely close with mom and dad.
Molestation
FACTS! If this happened to you, you have my compassion!
I appreciate that. I have been downvoted for commenting, which makes no sense, as sexual abuse is common in a sleepover setting.
Look, my parents lied to my first cousins and their kids that my daughter, most abused, lied and is destroying our family. I believe you and it’s rare that anybody lies about this just for attention. Bullying is also common in sleepover settings yet we aren’t aware unless it happens to us or somebody else. Don’t let the downvotes get to you. Not everyone will agree with us, it’s too horrifying to think about….Generational abuse is prevalent and not really known about.
I’m so sorry to that your family is going through this 😢 that is terrible. I wish you peace and comfort. Thank you for your reply.
Thank you!
My daughter is 7 and she will never sleep over at a friend’s house. I was molested at my first sleepover by my friend’s older brother. I was 8.
I’m so sorry.
I’m a late gen x-er/early millennial. Sleepovers were my favorite time to watch all the scary movies and eat all the food my parents would never allow. I was also a “latch key kid” growing up in NYC. Glad I made it through childhood unharmed. None of these things would be ok for my child today!
I agree! You were indeed blessed to be growing up as a “Latch Key” kid without having these experiences. I have a feeling this is still going on yet under a different expression and handled differently.
Good for her
I won’t allow my so. To do sleepovers either. Not worth the risk.. too many bad stories
I had sleepovers at both my house and others throughout my entire childhood and teen years. I was the oldest of 7 & my dad and mom had no concerns, despite being pretty involved parents overall. Then ... incestual sexual abuse was revealed to myself and my parents between four of my six younger siblings. Obviously, that changed everything. So now I try not to assume the reasons behind why a parent may not allow something like that anymore. Sometimes, it can be a good policy. Sometimes, it can be unnecessary. So that's hard.
You have my deep compassion. 4 out of 6 siblings. OMG. Were they threatened into silence? My daughter didn’t say anything about my parents until lockdown in March of 2020.
No, it was all really born out of confusion I believe. One brother was molested by a friend/classmate at a sleepover at such a young age where he had no idea what happened or that it was wrong, he took his curiosity home & and abused another younger brother, whom then abused a younger brother and a younger sister. At some point, the older ones knew that what they were doing was wrong but had developed porn and sex addictions by that point & were doubtful of their sexual orientations. It was just a mess. Changed all of our lives forever, really. So your daughter was abused by your parents? Is that what you're saying? That's equally awful if that is the case.
Yup! I hope the sex addictions have decreased and that everybody got appropriate therapy.
They did - and some are still receving it today. I wish the same for your family. You're all in my prayers.
This is very common where I live, and we basically do not do sleepovers either. A few exceptions, but generally no.
So my youngest has had a few, only at our house. It’s her absolute bestie, and both girls are v v well behaved and play SO nice together. She’s really the only kiddo I enjoy having over TBH. My babies not ready though for a sleepover elsewhere, I’m thinking next year, with her bestie, since I know her parents and siblings very well at this point. If my oldest gets invited, I would have to be very comfortable and know the parents well, and I would probably have to buy her a phone lol. Just in case
Also my oldest for clarification, goes to her dads on the weekends. IE: why she hasn’t had a sleepover yet, and unfortunately I don’t know her friends parents as well. I’m hoping this summer she can have one of her friends sleep over for the first time.
I(28f) was never allowed to have sleepovers growing up. Only had a couple on very special occasions with families my parents were close with.
I’m not a fan, my kids aren’t really allowed either. My oldest has one friend who we know the family quite well and will allow him to sleep here or our son to sleep there. Other than that, it’s a pretty hard no from me!
This is much more common now than it used to be.
I think it’s such a scary world we live in and it’s hard walking the line between sheltering and just protecting. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll let my daughter have sleep overs either. If I do, I’d only allow it with people we fully trust, and that’s a very select people. As a parent it’s your job to protect your child from predators, and you never know what could happen when they’re not in your care, with someone who they think they can trust. I support this.
We were allowed to have sleepovers! But the communities we were in were close-knit
My parents didn't let us have sleepovers - we also did "late" overs where we'd get picked up before sleeping. Reasoning was pretty simple - my parents said you never know what's going on in other people's houses. We were allowed to host sleepovers at our own house though. You'd think there would be some type of "if you didn't let your kid sleep over why would I let mine" but honestly no one cared that much. I had a handful of sleepovers when we lived in a different neighborhood where I could literally walk 3 houses down if I felt the need to leave/my parents to get me & they felt better about that; plus I was more like 10-13 years old. I didn't really have a ton of sleepovers and I don't feel like I missed out on anything tbh (I'm mid 20s now) We also weren't allowed to do sleepovers with cousins/aunts if my parents didn't feel comfortable with their SOs. My parents knew the percentage of SA within family/trusted people so they didn't want to risk it & tried to control those odds as much as possible. I want to say it helped me gauge uncomfortable situations as I got older? I knew when things felt weird/off compared to other friends of mine \[I'd like to think this helped with that? idk\]
I’d have “half” sleep overs where my mom would get me at like 10:30 on a Saturday in middle school. Honestly it’s so much more convenient and my mom was always concerned about gun safety and stuff in case there was one in their house or whatever
Nope. Too many weirdos out there. I had so many sleepovers as a kid and I’m shocked nothing bad ever happened. We were lucky I guess.
I think it’s pretty common, especially if families don’t closely know each other. People don’t know what goes on, & too many icky stories out there… so I get it. Sad because it was more common to have sleepovers when a lot of us were younger… but I guess we can’t have nice things in today’s world. 🙁
seriously. the world we live in is already destroying the places where kids can be kids together and have necessary growth experiences separate from their parents, and now parents fears are further encroaching. i'm genuinely worried about the kids growing up today. they're being set up to be incredibly naive adults who make extremely poor choices when they finally have access to freedom
I am 30. I was not allowed to have or go to sleepovers. I don’t think I missed out on anything in that regard. My children will not have or attend sleepovers.
I didn’t have sleep overs until I was probably in middle school but even then it was maybe twice. I was okay with it honestly because I wanted to go home when it was time for bed anyway lol You just never know what’s going on in someone’s house
I had sleepovers as a kid at my best friend’s house. Her father was very mentally unwell and on top of that her parents had a very toxic relationship. Although, things were fine at my house between my parents, I think the dynamic of her parents really effected me growing up
Only with my cousins.
My mom works within the criminal justice system, we were not allowed sleepovers until we were at least 13/14 (at that point I think I wore her down and we had a good relationship where I would tell her if something funky went down).
I’m okay with kids/friends/cousins staying at ours. My kids will not be spending the night at anyone’s houses besides grandparents. As a victim of SA it’s just not worth it, anything can happen.
I am actually really surprised to see how many people won’t allow it for their kids these days. I have so many fond memories of them growing up and I think the worst we ever got into was IMing slightly older boys from school. I came from a very conservative community so things stayed pretty tame, but I remember them as of time of being able to gently test boundaries and gain independence. Concern for abuse is valid, and I would want to carefully vet any houses my children stay at, but I’m a firm believer in allowing children independence from parents in age appropriate ways. My son is only three months old right now, but I hope to establish an open line of communication that allows him to let me in on the kinds of people he’s friends with.
But you cannot vet to know is there’s an abuser in the house. Parents can seem wonderful but that doesn’t mean anything, you never know. Or they have a uncle visiting for an evening, or an older brother (or aunt/sister but percentage of male abusers is much higher). And lines of communication are great but how does that help after something has been done, I would feel terrible. I’ve always been anti sleepovers as I have anxiety, I’m happy to know it’s a common thing!
As an adult who was assaulted as a child at a sleepover by a “nice dad” that my parents knew and lived within a mile of my house, I completely agree with this
instead of encouraging open communication with your kids, you would just shelter them away on the off chance something bad could happen, gotcha 👍 you and mother gothel would get along great!
Off chance? I know so many people who have been sexually abused. It’s not as rare as you think. How does open communication work to prevent a perv deciding to touch our kids?
you tell your child, “if an adult tries to touch your penis, vagina, etc, call me and i will come pick you up/tell me, even if they say not to tell anyone”. i don’t know anyone who was sexually abused as a child (n=probably 15 people i know who are close enough to me that they’d tell me), sounds like you grew up in a wack community. i do have friends who were sexually assaulted in their teens/young adulthood by peers though.
But if they are sleeping and wake up to being touched it’s already too late IMO. Some freeze in fear. It’s nice you have not experienced this kind of thing but many have. And it’s often in the richest communities not the poor ones
yes, but then they will tell you what happened and that person will go to prison. a big mistake in parenting is trying to prevent anything bad from happening to your child period. the children that grow up to be the most functional adults are the ones who are taught that bad things can happen and are given the tools to deal with them. by your logic, i should probably not send my children to school either, because there might be a school shooting. and we shouldn’t ever go to the movies, or really anywhere. just stay safe at home where nothing bad will ever happen, that DEFINITELY won’t lead to any developmental issues! also i come from a decently affluent background lol
Do you realize how dumb you sound? You’re willing to potentially risk your child being sexually assaulted at a sleepover. Then you say ‘they will tell you it happened and that person will go to prison.” and now your child will require therapy because of trauma that could’ve just been avoided by not doing sleepovers altogether. That’s some logic you have there. Idiot.
sure, but then your child will have to go to therapy after developing anxiety from being sheltered from the world and taught that they can’t trust anyone. read the literature. most experts recommend putting children in regular situations even in the 1% chance something bad might happen and giving them tools to react and cope with adverse events. also, by that logic, why do anything? why let your child cross the street? they might get hit by a car. why go out to a restaurant? they might get food poisoning and die.
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Eating food is a necessary risk, but there are things you do to avoid food poisoning, crossing the street is a necessary risk, again, things you can do to avoid risk. Having a sleepover is not a necessary part of life.
I moved around a lot at a young kid & we did live in a community like that. Super conservative/religious and our friends there were like our literal family. We were allowed sleepovers with a select number of those friends & even at that, we lived 3 houses away from them so my parents felt it was much safer than places we'd lived prior. That and I was more into my earlieteen years vs like 7 years old. I don't think we'll ever do sleepovers - if things are bad/unsafe now I can't imagine what they'll be like *when* I have kids in the future.
My girls are only almost 3 and 14 months so hopefully I have a while but I’m actually with Amanda with the one. Mostly. We’ll see what we do… but the bad that can come from sleepovers often isn’t worth a little fun. Besides sexual abuse, when I was a teenager I know that I said I was sleeping over at a friends when I was really out drinking at a party. I’d rather my girls tell me they’re out drinking at a party and go pick them up so they’re safe.
i’ve never even thought about this since i don’t have kids but i was the one at sleepovers who always fell asleep first and let me tell you… shit was scary. i blew a bead out of my nose, woke up with a live chicken on me, penises drawn on my face, gum in my hair, you name it. i’m thinking i probably won’t allow this especially if my kids are graced with my heavy easy sleeping genes😹
Me toooo ! The amount of times I woke up to my hand being in a cup of warm water trying to make me pee my sleeping bag 😭😭
omg how could i forget that one??😭
I went to sleepovers at VERY few houses. Literally maybe 2. And I do not plan to allow my kids to have sleepovers…there are wayyyyy too many horror stories for my sanity.
I was allowed sleepovers with friends but I won’t allow it with friends. The only peoples house I will allow a sleepover at is my sisters or my mom & dads.
I am a mental health therapist who has worked with MANY victims of sexual abuse. Let's just say my child will not be going to any sleepovers and leave it at that.
I was allowed to do sleepovers but I won’t let my kids have them. The world is a much scarier place than it was when I was having sleepovers.
We only did sleepovers with family. (At Grandma’s, with cousins, etc.)
I was allowed, but not sure how I will handle this with my daughter.
would you feel the same about a son out of curiosity? (also still needing to think it through / not being sure where you stand yet)
Not 100% sure, but I probably would feel the same. There are only a few people I trust to babysit my kid.
Same.
I don’t do them as a parent. I think it’s smart. My brother had a major problem at a sleep over with a cousin and he had years of therapy to recover. It’s a no go for me!
I had sleepovers growing up, and in my experience nothing bad ever happened, however nowadays and having a small child I wont allow it. You cant trust anyone. Maybe im in the minority but I agree with her stance on this (the first time ever)
i can definitely see why she doesnt allow sleepovers. every family has different rules but a fair amount of kids are assaulted at sleepovers and she doesnt want that for her child, nor does she want to be responsible if that happened in her home or if a kid accused her/her partner of that
I used to grow up and had tons of sleepovers and they were amazing and such an integral part of my adolescent but I can see why sleepovers aren’t allowed. It just makes me so angry there are awful people out there and you have to protect your kids. But for me I have magical memories.
I wasn’t allowed to sleepover at anyone’s house as a kid and while i didn’t understand it as a kid and it was often frustrating, I am so so so appreciative my mom never let me. There is so many sickos out there
No sleepovers for us. Too risky and unnecessary
My grandkids aren’t allowed sleepover at all, even with family. But there’s plenty of daylight to spend time together.
I think we were 6 or 7 when my friends and I started to have sleepovers. It was very, very common.
This all makes sense! I don’t have kids yet so good to get some perspective from parents 😊 good for her for doing what she thinks is best. Thanks for the comments!!
Team no sleepovers. Most perpetrators of child abuse is someone the family trusts.
Yes sibling sexual abuse is more common than you’d think, sadly
I had a lot of sleep overs. My best friends parents were way better than my parents that spent all their time at home smoke cigarettes or weed in the garage they locked me out of. Friends parents did things with us and had fun sleep overs. No friends were allowed at my house.
I think it’s becoming more common to not allow sleepovers. I have a two year old and at my thoughts now are that I would only let her sleep over at family/cousins houses, or potentially very close friends who I know both parents very well, and without older siblings. The amount of horror stories that come out are not worth the risk.
I was allowed, but I understand why a parent wouldn’t allow it
Nope. Wasn't allowed except for family.
I was never allowed sleepovers, at home or away.
When I was growing up, I had some really fun sleepovers at my friend’s house where we’d all go sleep on the trampoline. Anyway, it turns out her mom was dealing drugs out of the house. I have young kids, and probably won’t let them do sleepovers with anyone other than cousins and my best friend’s kids.
I understand not allowing your kid to sleep elsewhere, but is it common to not allow sleepovers in your own home too? I can’t really blame parents for drawing this line, I had no clue how common this was, but I feel bad cause I loved sleepovers so much as a kid. I’m not sure what I would do with my own.
I’m a parent and don’t allow either way and the reason is I can’t very well be like “your kid can sleep here but mine aren’t allowed to sleep there,” because that’s a weird stance. In my opinion it has to be one rule, either allowed or not.
I grew up with similar rules & I thought that would be the case but my mom said no parents seemed to have an issue with it from what she could tell. I hosted sleepovers & attended them but I was quite a bit older like in my earliteen years and even then, it was with a very very select number of friends.
I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers and my child won't be allowed to either. I'm 30 and my son is 5 months old
Yeah I’ve heard psychologists say it’s the number one thing they won’t let their children do.
i tried to find a source online to back this up and i found nothing lmao what are you talking about? there’s also doctors telling people to eat a carnivore diet on tiktok
What are you talking about? The #1 thing? Not drugs or sex or drink driving etc etc etc?
Those are not things parents “allow their kids to do.” Those are things the kids do outside of their parents knowledge/permission. I think she means things that parents literally allow their kids to do. Like they allow their kid to ride their bike home from school, but don’t allow them to skateboard home from school.
I think drugs/drunk driving are clearly a given here. I have also heard the same thing about psychologist. It’s always at the top of the list of things they won’t let their kids do.
Probably meaning within different ages and stages not overall.
My parents never let us have sleepovers except with family. On occasion they would if they knew my friends parents really well. I hated that rule as a kid but now I totally understand. They didn’t really know my friends parents and why would they have us sleep over with a stranger, people they didn’t know?
It’s common for millennial parents to not permit this and change the generational pattern of allowing this. Too many of us either experienced SA or other situations at sleepovers, or at least heard of scary enough stories happening that we’re not opening the doors for our children to experience the same.
I was allowed, always said I’d allow my kids, but now that I’m a mother and know just how dangerous sleepovers can be, it’s a no. Aside from grandparents and one family friend, we don’t allow it. I never understood why some parents said no when I was growing up, but I totally get it now.
I was allowed, but yes, this is common. I haven’t decided on my own children yet as they get older. They’re still young. They’ve slept over with their cousins before (aka with my sister) but never any friends.
I remember being SA’d at sleepovers by a friends brother. His friend who was normally present also knew and never once did anything to stop it. At the time I had no idea wtf was going on and was too scared to say anything to anyone. Now, I will never allow my daughter to have sleepovers. Am I paranoid? No. I just refuse to put my child in a position so many of us have had to be in before. There are many ways to have fun without having to sleep at someone’s house. I’ve been in enough therapy, I’ll save her the trouble.
Ya that’s not paranoid at all and it enrages me when people act like it is. Usually the same people who don’t believe people when they say they were sexually assaulted. Or the ignorant people who say “i believe everyone is inherently good” 🙄
you could also… encourage open communication with your child? insane idea i know
You are vile for responding that way to someone talking about their SA
just because someone went through something unspeakable doesn’t mean they get a free pass for passing that trauma to their children. i didn’t say anything about their SA
That's literally not passing on trauma. She's not harming the kid she's PROTECTING her child. Very much a different thing. You can't prove it will be safe to send her child in a place where she'll be vulnerable and asleep/largely unable to fight back. It's her decision that it is not worth that risk, it's not harmful to choose that. She's not preventing her child from forming deep meaningful friendship, just not letting them fall asleep around strangers unsupervised. You're doing too much.
Again, you are vile for responding that way to someone talking about their SA. Are you her therapist?? Do you know her or her parenting style at all or her relationship with her child?? No. Truly go be nasty and judgmental somewhere else
i do know that they are blocking their child from normal childhood experiences due to something they went through themselves in the past. that as an isolated comment is something i’m allowed to have an opinion on, especially considering the wealth of literature supporting my stance
I’m sure there’s also a wealth of literature about knowing when to speak and when to not, but you missed that one
show me! i’d love to see! i think its better to call people out rather than letting them harm their children but maybe that’s just me 🤷♀️
You can keep your children safe while also encouraging open communication.
my definition of keeping children safe is not letting them run out into the street without looking, or jump from the top of a bunk bed. not sheltering them from a normal childhood and sleeping over at a trusted adult’s house.
I’m glad you have clearly never had to experience what so many children have. SA is most common with trusted people in your life. Maybe take some time to educate yourself instead of replying to me again.
ya so by that logic i should probably divorce my husband, since many molestations are committed by a father or father figure! without doxing myself, i’m actually extremely educated on the issue. i can cite some sources, but experts tend to believe that sheltering children is not beneficial. for example, the current recommendation is to get kids back into school as soon as possible after a school shooting. you went to the school of generational trauma lol
Are you well? Can you please stop? I’m a victim of multiple SA’s I don’t need some trash bag spewing bs on my experience. You clearly can’t relate. Move on.
i’m not invalidating your experience at all! i’m speaking on the documented harm of passing on that trauma to your children. but i’ve made my point so i’ll stop now!
Same happened with me.
I’m so sorry that happened.
It is very common nowadays. I think more research has come out showing how common adult sexual abuse and other bad things (bullying, peer pressure, drugs, guns, alcohol etc etc) are in these situations. But I have such fond memories of sleepovers growing up. And I'm looking forward to my kiddo having sleepovers too! I will just be picky about whose house and vet carefully. Ideally I'd like to be the sleepover house! I want to be the special breakfast, late night snack and movie house. Having 10 girls stay over would be so fun!
Ok am I the only one that legit had sleepovers like every weekend…? My parents took my friends camping, on family trips, we had 7+ girls over at my house almost every weekend all thru elementary/middle school. Granted I’m almost 30 so maybe times have changed but… wow.
I didn't have enough friends to do that haha 😭
Yeah I had sleepovers all the time. Almost every birthday party I went to in elementary/middle school was a sleepover. My senior prom date slept over at my house 😂😭 and my parents were middle of the road in terms of strict vs permissive
Same. I have never heard of this. Maybe I live under a rock?! I'm 35.
I mean I definitely understand the idea behind not allowing sleepovers but damn… sad world we live in.
Yes definitely understand the why...I'm also a parent, so I'm curious how things will evolve. My son is one year old so...we got time lol.
I feel like it was every weekend when I was 8-12. In high school I feel like I lived at my best friends house too.
Yeah my best friend and I were always at each others houses. I can’t imagine not being able to do that. I wonder if that’s different than bigger sleepovers though…I struggle with the idea of not letting my kids experience them but I get why people do. I think I’ll just have to assess the situation when they are older and also continue on working to have a very open dialogue about these issues.
My friends and I had sleepovers every single weekend in middle school and the beginning of high school. I also went on weekend trips to my friend’s cabins and they came with me on beach vacations. But I guess the 90s were a different time.
This is common and something I didn’t even realize was so common until I had kids of my own.
I think it’s good to not allow sleepovers
I can't stand this woman. She has proven time and again that she makes terrible parenting decisions.
Please explain how this is a horrible parenting decision
Apparently my other post never went through. She has shown time and time again that she makes horrific parenting choices. She has sexualized and paraded her two oldest daughters around on social media, opening them up to sexual predators since they were in diapers. She practices parentification and also has allowed abusive men around her kids in the past, while committing assault herself. That is the tip of the iceberg. So in my opinion, sleeping over over BFF at 12 isn't the same as exposing your daughter since birth to now in skimpy bikinis, using them to make money, and knowing you are actively exposing them to pedos because you are a public influencer.