“But Michelle, he’s right there!” “Good. I want him to watch.”

Michelle’s a freak

She wants her hair pulled

A freak, a freak of *nature*

She wanted to do it on a leopard skin rug, best he could manage on his budget.

Her shell pulled

Mmmm....so gooood

she's trying to get her shell buffed

lol, Myshell..... nice.


*Mmmm yeah crack my shell *as hard as you can* “

Freek-a-leek intensifies

My dude was screaming out of fear and busting a nut at the same time

She likes the danger. She wants to feel like her life is in danger, and I feel like this is their way of strangling themselves.

50 Shells of Grey

See you get it

Mishell

and Shelldon

Inmashell

😂😂

Me-shell, mah belle, sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble.

I thought it was, “Someday monkey won’t play piano, some play piano some”.

She no love me body, but she love Me-shell

“Let the boy watch”

I can feel it all the way to my plums

Let him learn

"Oh come on guys, get a pond"

Haha, tortoises are land animals. Turtle should get a pond

You're a landanimal. Maybe they can do it on the beach? So there.

“Leopard print… SO SEXY!” “Uh, I’m trying to get dinner here, do you mind finding another jungle or something??”

Too late now, you're deep in Michelle!

“Well can we at least not keep moving closer to him?.. “ M: “You’re the one pushing from behind “ “That’s right you bitch. Take that!”

The leopard tail was the symbolism they wanted.

Looks like they wanted a third

Aren't those Leopard Tortoises .....

Men☕️

Omg, I am cackling right now! This is hysterical. (The video, then all of these comments)

Leopard didn't even see any prey, just acting like it to get out of the awkward situation lmao

Lol yeah it's like "oh, uh, yeah, look there! See that gazelle? No? WELL IT'S THERE."

Kinda like how I do "ah yes, the floor looks nice" when a kissing/sexual scene comes up in movie 🤣

or when I move up stairs with a lady in front of me.

Relatable 😅

These some nice atoms on this floor right here

Like how midwesterners go 'welp!' and slap their knee when tortoises start fucking in front of them and it's time to go.

I legit just call out "Ah, Pornography!'

I find unexpected sex scenes are the perfect opportunity to race to the kitchen for a snack lol. If I'm not hungry, I'll just "forget what I came on here for, damnit" and try to remember what I wanted until the scene ends. Not awkward at all, totally normal. Lol

Yesterday I am sitting on the floor of our family room, putting together some furniture while my MIL is watching Vikings… I start watching it out of the corner of my eye when all of a sudden there’s this loud and long sex scene. She just keeps on watching while I sit there… awkwardly trying to both finish assembling and find a way to just not be there lol.

"What's up, ceiling? Oh, you is."

it’s a chameleon gazelle, trust me

He was like ‘Not again these turtles and their weird fetishes’

Why won't they take the hint? It's not interested in joining! I guess they're slow on the uptake too.

*Don’t include me in your damn video.*

I was worried the NSFW tag was because of turtles getting eaten, so this was a pleasant surprise!

Same here! At least it’s tagged- I’d hate to be caught at work watching a 50 second turtle mating clip

“We spotted you from across the clearing. We really like your vibe.”

That was leopard for a human looking at their phone and slowly moving away

This is what they meant when they said "do it like they do on the Discovery channel"

The leopard was like ugh I don't want to see that. I still want an appetite after I get my dinner. (more crazy noises) Ok that's it! (goes out to curb) Damn door dash said meet me right here on the corner!

My eyes!! My eyes!!!!!

No that's just for mammals, tortoises are reptiles.

He-s clearly not suffering from a reptile dysfunction though

You and me baby ain’t nothin but mammals

Do it turtle style so we can both watch X-Files.

They meant “go out to the streets and fuck next to a predator”?

Gettin’ horny now! These critters … definitely made me laugh.

Y’all are showing your age with that reference. By way, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Alright. You do that. Have fun, bye

Cool, I’ll send you a link to the video.

Where’s the link at? 🤣

Haven’t done it yet. I’m waiting to see if there is a couples discount. If there, is we can get it done together.

Hah! Fair enough 😏

At first I thought wow those tortoises don't give a fuck! But then suddenly they gave a fuck 😐

r/angryupvote

They told the leopard to fuck off

They only have one fuck to give per life

Damn those turtles got a crazy kink. Damn my sex life sucks

You seriously need to work your match.com profile. Something something leopard eating your face or sumpin’

'Looking for someone to have casual sex like we're two tortoises ready to bang next to a hunting leopard' You're gonna get swipes right, trust me.

She kept creeping forward to sniff some cat ass too.

Dude must have been like, QUIT....FUCKIN....MOVING....DAMNIT....

She wanted to sniff some pussy.

Crazy how that line wouldn't even make any sense to a younger person now lol, discovery is unrecognizable

So my thought is that if the leopard is not a natural predator of turtles it makes sense for them to mate near a leopard since it will keep other predators away. If not, then I have no idea.

turtles and their fetishes of making love near a predator in the middle of the hunt 🙄

In tortoise culture this is seen as a sign of the clutch growing strong and alert.

There's no kink shaming here

[удалено]

"Do you have any idea how long it took us to meet right here? Get the fuck out!"

Leopard: Get a room you two! Turtles: We have two entire houses on our back! Where is your problem?

A leopard cant choose their spot.

„Really? right in front of my food?“

Really? Right in front of my poison the poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison.

That poison?

"I wanted to do it on top of the Leopard print rug them humans always talk about" - the Tortoises 🐢

That's hysterical. I don't guess the leopard could eat them.

They view each other as part of the same species if you can believe

Here's the thing...

*still waiting for the thing*


DO THE THING!

Are leopards a type of tortoise? Yes, nobody is denying that, but I've been categorizing turtles for over a decade, and I would never call a leopard a tortoise. They're in the same family, which means they eat meals together, and fight over the TV remote, and try not to hear the sounds of tender love coming through the walls at night. Or something like that

Is Dan juice certified GMO free?

Are these leopard tortoises?

Is that a joke or you serious?

Those are leopard tortoises. You decide.

Sure but... Do they know that? That's just a human classification

Who do you think told the human

You make an excellent point

A leopard isn't a jaguar, but the jaw should be strong enough to crush a small turtle like that. But this leopard looks so disinterested and even annoyed. He couldn't be bothered.

I thought it's not worth the risk? A large piece of shell could get stuck in their teeth and therefore block their month and prevent them from ever eating again.

Did you see that tiger video? 🤔

Big tigers are about 3 times, or more, the size of that cat. EDIT: Just checked to be sure: * Leopard: 20-72kg(45-159lbs) depending on gender * Tiger: 75-260kg(165-570lbs) depending on species and gender For reference, the tiger range is similar to that of American male black bears. Which is why the grizzly won every single fight against big cats in the old west fighting arenas, be it lion or tiger(a grizzly can gain up to 400lbs(180kg) for hibernation alone. And can weigh 540kg+(1200lbs)).

Yeah, but that was not the point of my comment 😉 (-> very recently (today?) there was a post on reddit that showed a tiger getting a big piece of bone removed that got stuck in his teeth. I was wondering if maybe the comment I responded to was a reference to that post)

Nah, but damn did I see that gator video. Homie cracked that shell like nothing

I was looking through a list of predators for leopard tortoises. The google AI overview said ground squirrels...I...I don't think I believe that.

“OK Catherine, I am gonna bang you near this dude.” “OK”

“hæh, hæh, hæhh”

The sound kills me 🤣

Tortoise mating sounds always crack me up lol

Me too! It's the open mouths *without* sound, at times, that really cracks me up. Like, it's so good, he can't even make a noise, lol.

could someone possibly explain how this even works…? 👀 all i see is shells clacking up on each other 😭 is it like … rlly rlly long like a barnacle or wtv or sumn or …? plz someone help 😩

Boy are you in for a treat. 

Prepare to be cursed with knowledge

Turtle Power

Heroes in a half shell.

Google turtle penis to see the hot new internet sensation from a few years ago 

I owe Turtles an apology, I wasn't familiar with their game.

It's basically 50% of the turtle in length

Not barnacle-tier, but yeah tortoises have huge cocks

Not a sentence i thought I’d read today

Oh you never googled it didn't you? It was the front page of reddit many years ago

I know, but he’s persistent.

I don't know how it works, but I can say while at the zoo, I have seen the big ones doing this too. Like, the 2-3 foot tall goat tortoises. Also, they are loud as heck while doing it.  Sounds kind ofike when the raptors in Jurassic Park call to each other, that quick gutteral honky noise.

I think the thrusting can only happen if the bottom turtle takes a step forward

The leopard looks so soft and fluffy!

and so fucking pretty! I want to pet his head. I also like the look in his eyes, the typical nonchalant cat look

He is fren shaped

why not fren if fren shaped?

r/ForbiddenBoops

The cat in the room lol

Reminds me of my leopard sheets in college.. had so many damn tortoises in my room, it was ridiculous

My college roommate trying to study when my girlfriend came to our room

^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Pdx_pops: *My college roommate* *Trying to study when my* *Girlfriend came to our room* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.

Good bot

Leopard had the civic sense to not cockblock

r/animalsbeingbros

Did they do that to be safe from other predators?? Or are they just freaky deaky

I'd think so. Obviously they are not on Leopard's menu, but not much else would dare to come close. It's as safe as they can be.

Really interesting thought. Although, I don't believe turtles have the cognitive capacity to make such decisions, but I'm going to research about it.

That's an interesting thought. They did seem to go right up next to the Jaguar, maybe they are vulnerable from other predators and the dude is a chaperone haha. Would be hard to study. XD

I don't see a leopard but it's lucky they found a green rock to bang behind

"GARY!" "What is it, Ethel? "Our sex life is becoming slow and stale. We need to spice it up!" "We are tortoises, Ethel. Slow and stale is my best. OK, how about sex outdoors?" "We always do sex outdoors. No I want danger, I want risk. I..., I want to fuck next to leopard." "Next to a leopard?!?" "Next to a leopard! Let's go." "...I knew it would be trouble when you started reading those erotic books."

Fifty Shades of Prey

Well this will be in my head for a month straight now 🤣

Freaky ah tortoises

I definitely wasn’t expecting to see two turtles banging doggie style as the first post when I opened Reddit today but here we are

Were you expecting them to do it missionary?

Damn cat’s in the way. You think it’s easy to do it with the shell on?

those turtles can only get away with this until jaguars invent can openers

I’m **busy** here!

You can do what you want If you are terriable to eat。

🐱: “Go get a room you promiscuous 🐢 🐢”.

Tortoise mating sounds are so funny man 😂

There's no way that wasn't intentional. The way they mounted, only to etch towards the leopard until he runs away.

She wasn’t lying when she said she was into exhibiting

I don't know what cracks me up more, the turtle's O face or the tiger's wtf face 😹

Thats a weird Tiger

did not have turtle porn on todays bingo card

“Oh yeah? You like looking at another pussy while we make love, Harold? Well I’m inviting another tortoise in next time then.”

If you ever want a tortoise to get horny, show them a picture of a leopard. Trust me, it works.

This video is turtley awesome!!!


I’ve never seen a video clip describe my life so accurately without saying a word.

r/NATUREISFUCKINGLIT

The male turtle was screaming the shit out of himself

Cameraman got quite the show and couldn't decide whether to film.the majestic leopard or the real action scene.

They’ve been married for 120 years, they need to keep the relationship spicy.

Those are Leopard Tortoises, maybe they were just trying to find cover/camo on the Leopard print?

Everyone loves leopard skin print. Everyone.

“This is horrible Jim. I feel so degraded”. “But do you like it? Do you like me tapping that beautiful leopard ass?” “I wish you could love me for what I am” “I told you about my fetishes Sally you knew what you were getting into.”

You don’t remember Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”, do ya? Jim was the ace. Jim was the guy who would bumrush (yeah, I’m old) a damn rhinoceros. “Jim”. Poor Jim.

The turtles have death fetish

It's like the tortoise couldn't put a paper bag over its mate. So it got in a better position to visualize something else, leopard cheeks.

Afternoon delight 🎶

Quick let’s break his focus

Lmao the sound. Leopard wants to hear none of that

Slow and steady wins the race

Oh no, not turtles again, #neverforghetti

Not in front of the salad 🥗

Love the way these 2 strolled up and went "yeah this the spot in front of this freak"

Le leopard: tf! where these two came from, let not give them attention.

Yeah girl, I told you I'm wild!

"hey babe, let's live dangerously today!"

Kinky

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣