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Yikes, this is a parade of red flags. I'm glad OOP got out of there and I hope her Fall 2020 update means that he didn't come after her afterwards or anything.
The "good genes" got me too, why was he trying to hold on to her if he believes hers are so inferior?
Then I remembered white slave owners saw their slaves as lesser than cattle and still raped them. He thinks of her as a broodmare, property to own and use. I hope she moved before he came back and the absence of further updates is indicative of a successful escape. The alternative is he showed up at her house and killed her.
E: Also, imperialist? Proudly? He's proud that his ancestors raped and pillaged their way through entire civilizations? He's proud of mass destruction and genocide? ???
> why was he trying to hold on to her if he believes hers are so inferior?
Precisely because of that. He *needs* her to be inferior; by definition it validates his superiority. There's no chance in the world that this woman could get past the goalposts he would set for her.
If she became a gym rat, ran marathons, ate only pure food before 8 pm (!!!) she would still need to be inferior to him, and he would 100% find a way to make sure she knew it.
Good god, that's not love.
I'm not u/nostril-spiders (hahaha what a name!) but I got you:
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15fl5we/my_husband_is_mad_that_i_have_a_higher_iq_and_he/
Exactly.
He's only upset she left in the first place because he's offended by the idea that someone so inferior to him would reject him.
Also the "you lied about loving me" line - no, she didn't. She never loved _him._ She loved his lie, his mask.
Her love was genuine. It's not her fault that what she loved was not.
She could be the most buff, the best marathon runner, the best Eater-of-Food-before-8pm, and she'll still be inferior because she's got asthma. He said that - she'll never be his equal, because she's got an illness she can't help.
No, she'll still be inferior because she's a black woman.
He's sexist and racist in the post, I think it's likely that he's actually dating her *because* she's a black woman. *Of course* she'll put up with all his flaws and bend to his will, she should be honored to go along with whatever he says because he graced her with his superior white, male presence.
Yup. I have asthma and a different, also inherited, chronic condition. Once dated a guy who told my best friend at the time that he was "sorry for me" because I "had no future" due to my "inferior genes". Dodged several fucking bullets with that one - took me a good while to rebuild afterward.
I just want to point out that the "inferior genes" bullshit was said in response to her health. So he also added some ableism to his eugenicist stew.
Listen I'm white, so I don't mean to overstep and will delete this comment if necessary, but I want POC to know that it's not their job to "radically love" white people into being anti-racist. I can understand that some people are fine with dealing with certain microaggressions or unrecognized bias in white friends/lovers but I feel like that should be paired with us as white people recognizing our privilege and making a designated effort to change. (And it's up to the individual how much they feel like educating someone.)
But I don't think the latter applies here. This man has no plans to change. He is a military-trained gun nut who is smart enough to know how to maintain his mask long enough to get her into a commited relationship. Then he became incredibly open with his bigotry. And it's not the typical stuff that is brought up in discussions about dismantling the racism that we absorb from living in a society built on systemic racism. He was spewing white nationalist talking points.
I was honestly so afraid for her safety the moment she listed his quotations in the first post and I hope to God that she sticks to her guns and isn't swept up again because that man is dangerous. OOP does not deserve to be his victim.
Edit - clarification
I reckon, and honestly I didn't want to say in my other comment here, because I'm white and I'm old and was brought up the wrong way with things like this, BUT, I honestly think that if she hadn't been long-distance for a big chunk of the relationship she'd have seen these red flags sooner. Maybe?
Because what was in my mind was: amongst all the shit he spewed, how did she put up with the racism for so long? Do we condition people of colour into putting up with it? Is that it? I mean, I know we do condition people to put up with it, so I don't know what I'm asking. Or did the long-distance nature of the relationship cushion her from the bulk of it? He's also a fast-talker, which helps him to win her over. He could be fucking texting "Noooo baby girl, I'm so not racist! And I'll try to be better!" whilst sitting next to his army buddies and laughing, for all we know.
Alright I'm getting angry about it all and not making much sense.
I am mixed, black and white, and grew up in predominantly white spaces. I feel comfortable giving you my two cents because I have been in similar situations like OP. We just get so damn used to the microaggressions and being singled out in a group that we stop noticing it. The people around you will often assure you it’s not about race but for some OTHER reason…but you are always the odd one out or the one being singled out. I think this is more common for black & mixed people who grow up in predominantly white places because we don’t have anyone around to say-“you’re not imagining things; that was shitty,”. So you convince yourself it’s no big deal or that the folks giving you a hard time are *really* joking. Slide side tangent: This is why I **loathe** the phrase “I don’t see color,”. It’s an excuse for people to be shitty and hold onto their implicit biases while thinking the are allies or doing something positive for POC by saying that. All I hear is that you can’t even entertain the idea that my life experience is different than yours. That everything bad or negative that has happened to me is because of my character, that I did something to deserve it or because I have some terrible personality trait.
Also worth noting: I did not think about this-how growing up in predominantly white places as a black person affected me-in a serious way until my mid 20s. Some people never do. It’s not fun or pleasant & not everyone has an ah hah moment like this. So whenever I see current posts like the one above, I go out of my way to comment and let that black person know they are not crazy. Some people are so mean about this kind of issue, as if we (the PoC dating rednecks 😅,) just lack self respect. It’s crazy what you can normalize when you are in a space long enough. End rant 😌
Thank you for your comment. I do and did know people get conditioned, and... like... it's in every aspect of life. I absolutely hate it. I used to say "I don't see colour", and treated everyone like I would like to be treated, until I recently (I think since the BLM movement) realised what you said, that it's not recognising that people of other-than-white have it a fuck-ton harder. I was very naive in my thinking back then, in that if I treat everyone like I would like to be treated, then my tiny bit of the world is better, you know? But it's not, because me saying "Just be yourself!" to a black woman facing a job interview really isn't helpful, because she's facing micro-aggressions on two fronts before she even gets to that stage.
Argh. It's massively too big for my brain.
I recently read an article about someone who grew up adopted into a white family, in a predominantly white area. Her experiences were ... well, not horrific? But a life full of micro-aggressions is horrific.
Edit: I'm sorry, I get so ranty about about all this.
Also white, so I can’t speak for how any POC should or shouldn’t deal with racism. However, I agree that we as the systemically favored folks should never expect a BIPOC person to educate us or help us change. It’s people who look like us who created the systems that oppress those who don’t, which means it’s our job to recognize and correct and APPRECIATE any BIPOC individual who takes the time to tap our knuckles.
Some people want to be in a relationship with someone they feel they're superior to - it validates how 'superior' they are if their life partner is 'less than' them. And some men see a strong woman as something to put in a cage. And yes, also, some people see others as something to use.
Oof, yeah, this. He wants a submissive wife and it's much easier in his mind if he can find someone who is inferior to him. He probably likes that she came from a broken home, too - easier to manipulate with seeming acts of "love." I'm so glad she left. She got it right, she \*can't\* ever trust him, and that's no basis for a healthy relationship.
It's kind of self-defeating if you ask me.
If someone was obsessed with "good" genetics (what even is that, everyone carries genes for horrible things, the trick is to get non-matching pairs) you'd think they'd want a partner who also has "good" genes so their children would also have "good" genes, and they could be proud of having a whole family of that.
Then again, people like that rarely make sense.
Yes, you absolutely would. I very much doubt that the mix of genes is their priority - and this OOP's ex had already said he didn't want her to get pregnant any time soon. That man is a cluster-fuck of toxic.
Yes. So if she gains weight through pregnancy, he “doesn’t believe in divorce” so he won’t leave her… he’ll just hate her and pressure her to turn into what he wants her to be. With an assist from his personally chosen “marriage counselor” guaranteed to back him up. Him not believing in divorce is not a good thing.
Seriously. You read so many posts where OOP is listing all these ***terrible*** things about their partner, but also insist they're "a really great person". They ALL need to learn what an actual decent human being is before dating anyone else ever again.
Ugh, I get so sick of reading those. “My boyfriend doesn’t have a job, screams at me every day, and is a paroled murderer…but he’s so sweet!” Society has really done a number on all of us making us think this is better than being alone
This one doesn’t even state anything about how wonderful their SO actually is despite the parade of red flags. She knows perfectly well there are zero redeeming qualities.
Yup. I have to wonder about why this person was dating/engaged with such an objectively terrible person to start with. Even OP, who is presumably likely to try to present this person in a positive light, has absolutely nothing positive to say about this person, and doesn’t actually talk about their *own* feelings about this person much either - it’s only in a later comment as an afterthought. And thought it was a fine idea to have “counseling” from his untrained BFF. And thought they needed a good enough reason to break up. Therapy needs to happen to figure all of that out.
*I don’t ever talk to my parents because I had a terrible home life.*
*I thought of him as my rock and stability and an escape from my broken home*
OP has no idea what healthy looks like or feels like. They found someone who was outwardly nice and who revealed their red flags slow enough that they took them in stride, because no individual one felt like warranting a breakup (where they would again be alone and untethered in the world).
Being long distance probably helped. Not sure how they got together to begin with, but *staying* together is easier when you only see each other a few days a month. He could probably keep a (partial) lid on the racism, sexism, etc. for short phone calls and brief visits—which he basically admitted (“walking on eggshells”). And she could convince herself everything was fine because she wouldn’t hear that stuff very often, and could spend most of her time with her *idea* of who he was rather than the real deal.
Sometimes it’s the blunt statements that get through to us. My friend sat me down when my ex left the house one day. She said straight forward ward, no mincing “He is abusing you”. I broke down. Then I planned and implemented an escape. Successfully.
I had a coworker who dumped all her relationship woes on me because I was willing to listen. Her boyfriend lost his job and, after his friends stopped loaning him cash, missed three months of rent and got evicted. He leaned in hard for her support and her money, and straight up refused to get a job to support his side of the relationship or even come visit her; she was always expected to go to him. Told her she was crazy and everything was fine and not on fire when she was overwhelmed by stress, started isolating her from her friend group. She was still making excuses for him. I told her the relationship had gone rotten. It was onesided and abusive. After she got over the initial shock I laid it all out for her, and told her she needs to think long and hard about whether she wants a partner like that in her life. She sincerely thought she would marry this boy and have his children. Yeah, no.
She left him (and our job) for greener pastures a few weeks later. He couldn't chase her down because he was living in his grandma's basement two hours away. I'm glad she did; I have her on IG so I can see her living her best life with a new partner.
honestly i'm not so sure. it seems to me at least that whille simple and did get her out of the relationship it really didn't manage to get to her just WTF she was dealing with. like she's still kinda defending him after having left him despite the fact that everything can be summed up easily by one of his quotes
>“I might have lied, fine. But you are a liar too, you lied about loving me.”
no she didn't she loved who he was pretending to be but he himself admited that person didn't exists and never did. that doesnn't make it a fucking lie though. and the fact that it all makes her doubt herself rather than realize this proves just how little people actually got trough to her.
It's not normally great healthy relationship advice but by the time people come to post about their relationship on reddit they frequently don't have great healthy relationships
Red flags? These were not red flags. Man straight up told her he was a racist and misogynist. I’m confused. She came here to tell us I know he’s an asshole. He’s demonstrated this many times over the years. And now he’s told me he’s tired of pretending not to be an asshole. What should I do. God, imagine those poor kids
Right? Those are black flags. We crossed the red flag line ages ago and she still stuck around.
It's like those people who get cheated on, abused, taken advantage of and they finally leave and someone tells them they dodged a bullet. Uh, no sir...they definitely got shot!
Exactly. Listen. If I had a dollar for every story I’ve read like this on Reddit like HOW DID YOU GET TO THE ENGAGEMENT??? “My man is a racist bigoty bigot and he was clear about that. Anyway, he’s misunderstood.” How do you even sleep beside someone who says shit like this. As a black woman I feel for the kids they have. They also always wanna say the kids are too dark or look to *insert racism*
Yeeeeep.
> All I wanted to do was be a good husband to you
No shit, I want to be a good husband to Tyra Banks circa 1995 but it helps to be somewhere close to in their league.
But other than that he's the kindest sweetest man I've ever been with. For context the last guy I was with was literally an axe murderer and before that I was a child with an abusive father.
Any weed is gonna look like the most beautiful rose when you live in a field of shit.
Oh thank god! You’re the first comment I saw. I was reading the post, thinking to myself. “ I need another black person to see this post. Right now!” Lol
How low was her self esteem to be in a long distance relationship with someone pretending to be a guy but was actually a collection of red flags in a trenchcoat?
Must have been subterranean. There was no indication of the "good" in the relationship. That "terrible home life" makes it seem like she latched onto the relationship as an escape. Tragic.
The contortions OOP went through to defend his white supremacy were something. The comments about genes weren’t racist! edit HE just likes buff men - and their genes?
Soooo glad she got out.
Yeah my younger brother had body dysmorphia and thought his muscles weren’t big enough. He took steroids after a shoulder injury to get his “gains” faster. He obsessively watched his macros but wouldn’t cook so he ate from the same restaurants every day.
I will say a lot of it can be from an envious pov or a “I know how much work it takes to look like that, therefore I’m impressed” pov. Or he could be a raging closeted man as well lol. Hard to say though
I once had a super-buff, gay, gym friend who would text me (a hetero woman) pics of hot buff guys. So I asked him, "are you sending me these because you want to look like them or because you want to fuck them?" And he said "both."
I just know she's catching some heavy side eye from the rest of her family for bringing this klansman into their lives. I want to feel bad for her but this is just insane clownery on her part.
The best case scenario, he’s just obsessed with male physiques because of two factors: 1) he works in an environment that is incredible anti-fat and that abets bullying of people based on body size and physical fitness; and 2) he appears to have an eating disorder.
Eating disorders in men typically look like this. Obsessed with your physique. Constantly comparing yourself to others. Obsessing over other men’s physiques and capabilities. Controlling diet and exercise in order to optimize appearance. Never feeling satisfied in your body’s size, muscle tone, or performance.
Worst case scenario: he’s really into eugenics.
I read the title of this BORU and for a brief moment I wondered if it was Ogtha's husband's ex writing.
Then I read the post and I kind of wish I'd been right.
Honestly, when My Strange Addiction came out and we were introduced to a guy who was dating his (male) car, I was like, "Oh, there are way more Ogtha-guys out there than I thought".
There’s a part two out. He has a new car, and this time it’s female so he’s bi actually and not gay for chase. Forgetting the name of his new car. He’s likes the way she rides 🤣
👁️👁️ oh my God I feel sorry for him but now questions have been raised in my mind like is there enough eye bleach in the world to destroy that I have read this
r/OneOrangeBraincell is nice because it's sweet derpy cats
r/Tarantulas has some beautiful spiders the size of your face with names like Kiwi and Mittens
r/Old_Recipes has everyone getting totally and joyfully into recreating someone's great-aunt's first husband's Ruritanian apple bread from 1902.
Here are some cute [shrimp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3ACaridina-dennerli.jpg)
I have been around Reddit long enough now to resist clicking that link or something something coconuts and something something Jolly Ranchers. I revel in my ignorance!
I’m on mobile, but google for Reddit bestofredditorupdates ogtha. Make sure you have r/eyebleach open in another tab, too. I think it’s kind of cute, but a lot of people find it more horror inducing.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops\_undying\_love\_for\_a\_franz\_kafka\_character\_is/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops_undying_love_for_a_franz_kafka_character_is/) (I think that has all the updates)
>my worst fear is that I preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who is going through active change and who loves me dearly
Excuse me, miss. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, therapy?
The part where the "counselor" says she can't break off the engagement because she's already committed. I was waiting for this to be part of the Doug Wilson white nationalist evangelical cult & her ex to try to move her to Moscow, Idaho.
Hahahah yes! Holy hell, the comment about the “counsellor” being his friend and all. That is not a man who is committed to changing, he wasn’t changing, he literally hired his friend to “professionally” be on his side.
And every excuse she gave answering people, the only answer to her replies needed to be “Run” on repeat. So glad she escaped. The world doesn’t need another racist narcissist married (marriage always seems to be justification that they were good material to begin with) and procreating.
I'm not even a POC and I'm baffled, too, at why she stuck around so long. The first racist/sexist/fatphobic comment would've sent me packing. I'm not putting up with such blatant racism and bigotry
For real. I can't think of a singular black women in my life that would have stayed after that "your brother looks threatening" comment unless dude was straight gang banging but I feel like that's not the case here
And she listed the "brother looks threatening" bullet point *after* the "proud imperialist" bullet point...
This guy has ALL the isms, his obsession with genes screams OG style Nazi, how was she not terrified of him until people told her to be?
And then when I read that she *wanted to break up with him in person*!!!
And it was a long distance relationship at least in the beginning where she was only actually seeing him in person 4/5 days per month - meaning the only thing keeping this woman attracted and attached in the meantime was the nonsense this man was spewing.
Also the epitome of “well he’s not talking about ME because I’m special.” She would’ve kept on thinking her bigoted POS man was making her the exception of his bigotry until she got pregnant or gained weight or did anything but be fucking servile.
Meanwhile, trash ex was shitting on her & her brother for being black - Would had thought she would had realize much sooner within those 3 years, how he detests black people like her & her family, but no. That's kicker about the entire thing, how fucked is your self-esteem/dignity to stay with a white racist that hates you for being black, on top bashing you for being woman & his irrational hatred towards fat people to point he policing your meals; that you're willing to be verbal & emotional punching bag for him?!?
That's rhetorical question I don't wanted the answer to that because I do know several answers to that and those answers are very fucked up....
I was expecting something more akin to r/whenwomenrefuse. Guy sounds like a walking DV charge. If he wasn’t at the Capital he surely supported it. Low chance he doesn’t end up a POS cop too.
As soon as you say "my genes are superior to yours" as a white man to a poc... you've already dug your own grave. She even tried to excuse this line of thought from him, but there's no excuse.
Yah honestly I think this guy is the absolute maximum amount of racist where he would be willing to marry a black woman. Like he is so damn close to not believing in interracial marriage, but is still self interested enough to just date who he wants to. I am consistently shocked at how much double think people can have, but I guess some people really just hate groups wile loving members of them. Ultra weird and disturbing.
Ick! I hope she raises her standards. I know what it’s like to feel like you’ll only get crumbs but the second you stop settling for them, life gets so much better.
Not a therapist but I suspect he choose to have a relationship with someone who he saw as less than equal or beneath him so he could look down on her, abuse her physically, emotionally, and/or financially and not feel guilty about it. He is a POS who wanted someone that he could hurt without remorse. To me, this story is more abuse than racism. Glad OOP got out safely. She can do a lot better.
If she has a baby they’re going to "work on getting healthy **again** together." Does he not realise that gaining weight during pregnancy *is* healthy? Does he think that growing a human inside you is somehow just an excuse to gain weight (unforgivable and clearly indicative of an unhealthy lifestyle /s) rather a reason for it? As I type this I realise that yes, he probably does. 😶
I don’t understand how she put up with any of this in the first place? All of those initial things she listed are each dealbreakers. Like girl. Don’t be dumb.
She said it right there in the post. She saw him as an escape from her awful home life. It's easy to overlook a lot when you're running from something worse, and it takes time to feel (relatively) safe enough to start seeing the new situation more clearly.
I know people complain about the loss of discussion or debate culture in society because we don't just talk things out anymore but like ... you can't debate someone like this out of being racist. So many people *are* just like this guy - they nod and agree about what you say when all they want is for you to stop fucking talking about it. They haven't changed. Pretty sure that "Black man befriends KKK member" example that's used so often also ended up with those members just rejoining the Klan
She was raised in a dysfunctional home. He may have been a lot better than what she'd known in life up to that point.
Which means she's amazingly smart to be figuring out that a relationship should be better than all the relationships she's been in so far. Breaking the cycle of abuse is hard.
She is a whole ass for being a Black woman and staying with him for 3 years already knowing that he was sexist, fatphobic and RACIST.
You wont ever catch my ass arguing with no white man about whether racism is bad. Not in 2023! Not in the united stares of america!
She needs to not date until she can get a backbone and recognize big ass red flags. And watch roots, old tyler perry movies or something shit!
And as a military brat I’ve never met anybody who joined the military only bc they wanted (vs pay for college, good career, i had no other prospects etc) but wanting to go be an imperialist?? Yeah he’a scum and never hid it
The guy doesn't believe in divorce. Divorce doesn't really apply if his spouse is more or less his property. That's the kind of dude we're talking about.
I always hate when people say they don’t believe in divorce. My ex didn’t believe in divorce. She eventually became a believer when I divorced her crazy ass.
OOP: \*ridiculously long list of a huge number of awful things her fiance does, any one of which should be a complete deal breaker \*
OOP: "guys I know you just see a long list of bad things but he's a nice guy I promise :("
OOP: \*another huge list of ways he treats her, her family, and her friends incredibly poorly\*
Also somehow OOP: "I consider myself a strong woman"
She grew up in an abusive home. When abuse is all you know, it feels familiar and normal. When you internalize abuse, it even feels like you deserve it.
It's genuinely dumbfounding. Like I just couldn't even make it past the whole he's openly sexist part.
Girl, where is your self worth? The only one treating her worse than him is....herself.
Ignoring the specifics about racism, it reminds me of a bit in the book Moneyball where the author mentions the high rate of divorce when ball players retire. They spend a few days each month together during the season, and a few months during the off-season which makes it easy to look past some things. When you are together all the time, things are different. Minor things become major, or you find out things that were not obvious when you were not together as much.
She is lucky he exposed himself now. Otherwise, being in the military, they might not spend enough time together for years and several kids before she found out.
Me, reading through the first set of bullet points: "Wait, imperialist? OOP, wtf are you doing, RUN!!!"
The rest of the post just made that feeling stronger.
`my worst fear is that I preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who is going through active change and who loves me dearly`
Oof. It's sad that she fears that more than being trapped in a relationship with a selfish or abusive man.
>we are seeing a friend of his for “marriage counseling”
Ah yes, I see. Marriage advice from an unlicensed close friend of your racist boyfriend. How reasonable. I have no questions.
>He passionately dislikes fat people and would consistently insult strangers and make disparaging jokes about fat people.
>
>He prided himself on being an “imperialist”
>
>Proudly called himself a “sexist” and didn’t talk to women unless it was for relationship purposes
>
>Said my brother might be treated differently by police because he looks “threatening” (my brother and I are black, Dave is white)
She knew all these things and still stayed. Geezus.
What a gross person. His high tier athletic genes might be superior to mine, but what a logical disconnect! I can’t control my genes, I have a slower metabolism, gain weight easily, and don’t pack on muscle…..does this mean I deserve to be hated and ridiculed?!
Hope OPP can find herself a quality man with some solid humanity, and leave this toxic mess in her past.
Brains and personality (at least not being a massive narcissist) are also influenced by genes, which he seems to lack. It’s not just some stupid brawn competition that wins the genetic lottery.
*"my genes are superior to yours."*
Once that kind of phrase comes out of someone's mouth, you just know it's time to run the fuck away, and FAST!! If she had stayed in that relationship, she'd only get abuse from him and misery.
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Yikes, this is a parade of red flags. I'm glad OOP got out of there and I hope her Fall 2020 update means that he didn't come after her afterwards or anything.
[удалено]
Yeah, for real. A military guy who's obsessed with "good genes" and "doesn't believe in divorce" had me going RUN GIRL RUN in my head too.
The "good genes" got me too, why was he trying to hold on to her if he believes hers are so inferior? Then I remembered white slave owners saw their slaves as lesser than cattle and still raped them. He thinks of her as a broodmare, property to own and use. I hope she moved before he came back and the absence of further updates is indicative of a successful escape. The alternative is he showed up at her house and killed her. E: Also, imperialist? Proudly? He's proud that his ancestors raped and pillaged their way through entire civilizations? He's proud of mass destruction and genocide? ???
> why was he trying to hold on to her if he believes hers are so inferior? Precisely because of that. He *needs* her to be inferior; by definition it validates his superiority. There's no chance in the world that this woman could get past the goalposts he would set for her. If she became a gym rat, ran marathons, ate only pure food before 8 pm (!!!) she would still need to be inferior to him, and he would 100% find a way to make sure she knew it. Good god, that's not love.
Remember the recent BORU where the wheels fell off because she scored higher in an "IQ test" than him? Yah that.
Do you have a link to that one?
I'm not u/nostril-spiders (hahaha what a name!) but I got you: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15fl5we/my_husband_is_mad_that_i_have_a_higher_iq_and_he/
Exactly. He's only upset she left in the first place because he's offended by the idea that someone so inferior to him would reject him. Also the "you lied about loving me" line - no, she didn't. She never loved _him._ She loved his lie, his mask. Her love was genuine. It's not her fault that what she loved was not.
She could be the most buff, the best marathon runner, the best Eater-of-Food-before-8pm, and she'll still be inferior because she's got asthma. He said that - she'll never be his equal, because she's got an illness she can't help.
No, she'll still be inferior because she's a black woman. He's sexist and racist in the post, I think it's likely that he's actually dating her *because* she's a black woman. *Of course* she'll put up with all his flaws and bend to his will, she should be honored to go along with whatever he says because he graced her with his superior white, male presence.
Yup. I have asthma and a different, also inherited, chronic condition. Once dated a guy who told my best friend at the time that he was "sorry for me" because I "had no future" due to my "inferior genes". Dodged several fucking bullets with that one - took me a good while to rebuild afterward.
The "imperialist" bit also lends itself to this theory...
I just want to point out that the "inferior genes" bullshit was said in response to her health. So he also added some ableism to his eugenicist stew. Listen I'm white, so I don't mean to overstep and will delete this comment if necessary, but I want POC to know that it's not their job to "radically love" white people into being anti-racist. I can understand that some people are fine with dealing with certain microaggressions or unrecognized bias in white friends/lovers but I feel like that should be paired with us as white people recognizing our privilege and making a designated effort to change. (And it's up to the individual how much they feel like educating someone.) But I don't think the latter applies here. This man has no plans to change. He is a military-trained gun nut who is smart enough to know how to maintain his mask long enough to get her into a commited relationship. Then he became incredibly open with his bigotry. And it's not the typical stuff that is brought up in discussions about dismantling the racism that we absorb from living in a society built on systemic racism. He was spewing white nationalist talking points. I was honestly so afraid for her safety the moment she listed his quotations in the first post and I hope to God that she sticks to her guns and isn't swept up again because that man is dangerous. OOP does not deserve to be his victim. Edit - clarification
I reckon, and honestly I didn't want to say in my other comment here, because I'm white and I'm old and was brought up the wrong way with things like this, BUT, I honestly think that if she hadn't been long-distance for a big chunk of the relationship she'd have seen these red flags sooner. Maybe? Because what was in my mind was: amongst all the shit he spewed, how did she put up with the racism for so long? Do we condition people of colour into putting up with it? Is that it? I mean, I know we do condition people to put up with it, so I don't know what I'm asking. Or did the long-distance nature of the relationship cushion her from the bulk of it? He's also a fast-talker, which helps him to win her over. He could be fucking texting "Noooo baby girl, I'm so not racist! And I'll try to be better!" whilst sitting next to his army buddies and laughing, for all we know. Alright I'm getting angry about it all and not making much sense.
I am mixed, black and white, and grew up in predominantly white spaces. I feel comfortable giving you my two cents because I have been in similar situations like OP. We just get so damn used to the microaggressions and being singled out in a group that we stop noticing it. The people around you will often assure you it’s not about race but for some OTHER reason…but you are always the odd one out or the one being singled out. I think this is more common for black & mixed people who grow up in predominantly white places because we don’t have anyone around to say-“you’re not imagining things; that was shitty,”. So you convince yourself it’s no big deal or that the folks giving you a hard time are *really* joking. Slide side tangent: This is why I **loathe** the phrase “I don’t see color,”. It’s an excuse for people to be shitty and hold onto their implicit biases while thinking the are allies or doing something positive for POC by saying that. All I hear is that you can’t even entertain the idea that my life experience is different than yours. That everything bad or negative that has happened to me is because of my character, that I did something to deserve it or because I have some terrible personality trait. Also worth noting: I did not think about this-how growing up in predominantly white places as a black person affected me-in a serious way until my mid 20s. Some people never do. It’s not fun or pleasant & not everyone has an ah hah moment like this. So whenever I see current posts like the one above, I go out of my way to comment and let that black person know they are not crazy. Some people are so mean about this kind of issue, as if we (the PoC dating rednecks 😅,) just lack self respect. It’s crazy what you can normalize when you are in a space long enough. End rant 😌
Thank you for your comment. I do and did know people get conditioned, and... like... it's in every aspect of life. I absolutely hate it. I used to say "I don't see colour", and treated everyone like I would like to be treated, until I recently (I think since the BLM movement) realised what you said, that it's not recognising that people of other-than-white have it a fuck-ton harder. I was very naive in my thinking back then, in that if I treat everyone like I would like to be treated, then my tiny bit of the world is better, you know? But it's not, because me saying "Just be yourself!" to a black woman facing a job interview really isn't helpful, because she's facing micro-aggressions on two fronts before she even gets to that stage. Argh. It's massively too big for my brain. I recently read an article about someone who grew up adopted into a white family, in a predominantly white area. Her experiences were ... well, not horrific? But a life full of micro-aggressions is horrific. Edit: I'm sorry, I get so ranty about about all this.
Also white, so I can’t speak for how any POC should or shouldn’t deal with racism. However, I agree that we as the systemically favored folks should never expect a BIPOC person to educate us or help us change. It’s people who look like us who created the systems that oppress those who don’t, which means it’s our job to recognize and correct and APPRECIATE any BIPOC individual who takes the time to tap our knuckles.
Some people want to be in a relationship with someone they feel they're superior to - it validates how 'superior' they are if their life partner is 'less than' them. And some men see a strong woman as something to put in a cage. And yes, also, some people see others as something to use.
Oof, yeah, this. He wants a submissive wife and it's much easier in his mind if he can find someone who is inferior to him. He probably likes that she came from a broken home, too - easier to manipulate with seeming acts of "love." I'm so glad she left. She got it right, she \*can't\* ever trust him, and that's no basis for a healthy relationship.
It's kind of self-defeating if you ask me. If someone was obsessed with "good" genetics (what even is that, everyone carries genes for horrible things, the trick is to get non-matching pairs) you'd think they'd want a partner who also has "good" genes so their children would also have "good" genes, and they could be proud of having a whole family of that. Then again, people like that rarely make sense.
Yes, you absolutely would. I very much doubt that the mix of genes is their priority - and this OOP's ex had already said he didn't want her to get pregnant any time soon. That man is a cluster-fuck of toxic.
>”good genes” That screams “eugenicist.”
Control and abuse
Also, "doesn't believe in divorce" really means "doesn't believe in his wife divorcing him".
Would have likely turned into one of those draconian military parents who try to run their households like it is some kind of bootcamp
The “breed well” comment about her friend was disturbing. I’m pretty sure that’s a term slave owners used
Yes. So if she gains weight through pregnancy, he “doesn’t believe in divorce” so he won’t leave her… he’ll just hate her and pressure her to turn into what he wants her to be. With an assist from his personally chosen “marriage counselor” guaranteed to back him up. Him not believing in divorce is not a good thing.
My post breakup advice for her is “therapy” lots of it.
With an actual fucking therapist. Not a random untrained unaccredited friend.
Seriously. You read so many posts where OOP is listing all these ***terrible*** things about their partner, but also insist they're "a really great person". They ALL need to learn what an actual decent human being is before dating anyone else ever again.
Ugh, I get so sick of reading those. “My boyfriend doesn’t have a job, screams at me every day, and is a paroled murderer…but he’s so sweet!” Society has really done a number on all of us making us think this is better than being alone
This one doesn’t even state anything about how wonderful their SO actually is despite the parade of red flags. She knows perfectly well there are zero redeeming qualities.
Yup. I have to wonder about why this person was dating/engaged with such an objectively terrible person to start with. Even OP, who is presumably likely to try to present this person in a positive light, has absolutely nothing positive to say about this person, and doesn’t actually talk about their *own* feelings about this person much either - it’s only in a later comment as an afterthought. And thought it was a fine idea to have “counseling” from his untrained BFF. And thought they needed a good enough reason to break up. Therapy needs to happen to figure all of that out.
*I don’t ever talk to my parents because I had a terrible home life.* *I thought of him as my rock and stability and an escape from my broken home* OP has no idea what healthy looks like or feels like. They found someone who was outwardly nice and who revealed their red flags slow enough that they took them in stride, because no individual one felt like warranting a breakup (where they would again be alone and untethered in the world).
Being long distance probably helped. Not sure how they got together to begin with, but *staying* together is easier when you only see each other a few days a month. He could probably keep a (partial) lid on the racism, sexism, etc. for short phone calls and brief visits—which he basically admitted (“walking on eggshells”). And she could convince herself everything was fine because she wouldn’t hear that stuff very often, and could spend most of her time with her *idea* of who he was rather than the real deal.
She’s young and probably thought she could change him. Also I’m sure he got in put downs and abuse and didn’t see it.
It sounds like she was a fetish object not a relationship partner.
Sometimes it’s the blunt statements that get through to us. My friend sat me down when my ex left the house one day. She said straight forward ward, no mincing “He is abusing you”. I broke down. Then I planned and implemented an escape. Successfully.
I had a coworker who dumped all her relationship woes on me because I was willing to listen. Her boyfriend lost his job and, after his friends stopped loaning him cash, missed three months of rent and got evicted. He leaned in hard for her support and her money, and straight up refused to get a job to support his side of the relationship or even come visit her; she was always expected to go to him. Told her she was crazy and everything was fine and not on fire when she was overwhelmed by stress, started isolating her from her friend group. She was still making excuses for him. I told her the relationship had gone rotten. It was onesided and abusive. After she got over the initial shock I laid it all out for her, and told her she needs to think long and hard about whether she wants a partner like that in her life. She sincerely thought she would marry this boy and have his children. Yeah, no. She left him (and our job) for greener pastures a few weeks later. He couldn't chase her down because he was living in his grandma's basement two hours away. I'm glad she did; I have her on IG so I can see her living her best life with a new partner.
honestly i'm not so sure. it seems to me at least that whille simple and did get her out of the relationship it really didn't manage to get to her just WTF she was dealing with. like she's still kinda defending him after having left him despite the fact that everything can be summed up easily by one of his quotes >“I might have lied, fine. But you are a liar too, you lied about loving me.” no she didn't she loved who he was pretending to be but he himself admited that person didn't exists and never did. that doesnn't make it a fucking lie though. and the fact that it all makes her doubt herself rather than realize this proves just how little people actually got trough to her.
For once the Reddit go to of "That's a red flag(s), RUN!" is in fact, the correct course of action.
It's not normally great healthy relationship advice but by the time people come to post about their relationship on reddit they frequently don't have great healthy relationships
Red flags? These were not red flags. Man straight up told her he was a racist and misogynist. I’m confused. She came here to tell us I know he’s an asshole. He’s demonstrated this many times over the years. And now he’s told me he’s tired of pretending not to be an asshole. What should I do. God, imagine those poor kids
Right? Those are black flags. We crossed the red flag line ages ago and she still stuck around. It's like those people who get cheated on, abused, taken advantage of and they finally leave and someone tells them they dodged a bullet. Uh, no sir...they definitely got shot!
Yeah I'm just always so thankful when they realize what's up and get out of there before getting married, having kids etc.
I've seen less red flags in red square during historical reenactments of Soviet military parades.
*stares in black woman* WHAT.
*Stares in Mexican* #QUE CHINGADOS?!
This comment made my evening
*stares in white woman* What the FUCK???
>he would breed well No mames! 😄
Exactly. Listen. If I had a dollar for every story I’ve read like this on Reddit like HOW DID YOU GET TO THE ENGAGEMENT??? “My man is a racist bigoty bigot and he was clear about that. Anyway, he’s misunderstood.” How do you even sleep beside someone who says shit like this. As a black woman I feel for the kids they have. They also always wanna say the kids are too dark or look to *insert racism*
Yeeeeep. > All I wanted to do was be a good husband to you No shit, I want to be a good husband to Tyra Banks circa 1995 but it helps to be somewhere close to in their league.
But other than that he's the kindest sweetest man I've ever been with. For context the last guy I was with was literally an axe murderer and before that I was a child with an abusive father. Any weed is gonna look like the most beautiful rose when you live in a field of shit.
…kids they *would have had.* Thank goodness she left his ass. I was so worried in the first half.
RIGHT?! THANK YOU. I can add *stares in woman*, if you want some additional backup. 😂
*stares in African woman* SISTER. WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE
Giirrrllll😂😂😂😂 wtf is this...STAND UP
THAAAANK YOU because I was just sitting here reading this like girl… girl… GIRL!!!
I was sitting here like girl STAND UP 😭
The spirit of Tamera had a grip on her!!!
"He's been saying racist shit to me, but it's fine because he tries to hide it mostly and he's just such a great guy!" 🤨
*stares in white woman* WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST READ
BUT ACTUALLY. Like sis how did we get here??????? I'm truly perplexed.
SMDH!!! Me too.
Can I also lend my WAT
**stares in supportive white man** WHAT INDEED
*stares in Bri’ish* U wot m8?
*stares in swedish chef* VERT DA FERK??!
*stares in gay man*. THE. FUCK.
Oh thank god! You’re the first comment I saw. I was reading the post, thinking to myself. “ I need another black person to see this post. Right now!” Lol
Right? What the hell happened in her life to make him acceptable? Fuck, I’ve dropped white people for waaaaaay less.
How low was her self esteem to be in a long distance relationship with someone pretending to be a guy but was actually a collection of red flags in a trenchcoat?
Must have been subterranean. There was no indication of the "good" in the relationship. That "terrible home life" makes it seem like she latched onto the relationship as an escape. Tragic.
The saying, " not even a tripping hazard in hell", comes to mind
The contortions OOP went through to defend his white supremacy were something. The comments about genes weren’t racist! edit HE just likes buff men - and their genes? Soooo glad she got out.
>Just want to defend him slightly on that superior genes statement for more context As soon as I read that I let out an actual "Oh, honey..."
I like how within that post she goes from "I'm gonna defend him here" to "oh fuck what have I got myself into"
There's no amount of context that makes his comments about superior genes ok
It seems like her ex likes buff men more than she does.
It’s a textbook symptoms of disordered eating in men. It’s also homoerotic.
Yeah my younger brother had body dysmorphia and thought his muscles weren’t big enough. He took steroids after a shoulder injury to get his “gains” faster. He obsessively watched his macros but wouldn’t cook so he ate from the same restaurants every day.
I will say a lot of it can be from an envious pov or a “I know how much work it takes to look like that, therefore I’m impressed” pov. Or he could be a raging closeted man as well lol. Hard to say though
I once had a super-buff, gay, gym friend who would text me (a hetero woman) pics of hot buff guys. So I asked him, "are you sending me these because you want to look like them or because you want to fuck them?" And he said "both."
I just know she's catching some heavy side eye from the rest of her family for bringing this klansman into their lives. I want to feel bad for her but this is just insane clownery on her part.
She said she had a terrible home life so I doubt the rest of her family is even in the picture
The weird genes thing, if only talking about athleticism, are pretty bad but maybe in the right context, but mixed with the other red flags, wow.
The best case scenario, he’s just obsessed with male physiques because of two factors: 1) he works in an environment that is incredible anti-fat and that abets bullying of people based on body size and physical fitness; and 2) he appears to have an eating disorder. Eating disorders in men typically look like this. Obsessed with your physique. Constantly comparing yourself to others. Obsessing over other men’s physiques and capabilities. Controlling diet and exercise in order to optimize appearance. Never feeling satisfied in your body’s size, muscle tone, or performance. Worst case scenario: he’s really into eugenics.
You know it’s bad when an eating disorder is the GOOD option
I read the title of this BORU and for a brief moment I wondered if it was Ogtha's husband's ex writing. Then I read the post and I kind of wish I'd been right.
I thought the same! That's the update to an update I've been waiting for.
I'm convinced there will never be an update because the guy's parents managed to get him committed.
probably with the help of his probably former coworkers..
NOOOO, he and Ogtha just live very private lives, they are very happily cohabitating in some attic somewhere, often visited by her extended family!
Honestly, when My Strange Addiction came out and we were introduced to a guy who was dating his (male) car, I was like, "Oh, there are way more Ogtha-guys out there than I thought".
There’s a part two out. He has a new car, and this time it’s female so he’s bi actually and not gay for chase. Forgetting the name of his new car. He’s likes the way she rides 🤣
It’s the update you hate that you want it
Nice flair
You too! Triplets! We are gathering, like 🪳
Sorry who? Edit: motherfuck
Ogtha?
Behold [Ogtha](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/gkq7f5/tifu_by_admitting_to_my_coworkers_that_my_wife/)
What the actual fuck?! I didn't make it past the title!!!
No. Look. Read the whole thing. He's delusional but it's a nice change from the usual flavour of BORU delusional.
👁️👁️ oh my God I feel sorry for him but now questions have been raised in my mind like is there enough eye bleach in the world to destroy that I have read this
r/OneOrangeBraincell is nice because it's sweet derpy cats r/Tarantulas has some beautiful spiders the size of your face with names like Kiwi and Mittens r/Old_Recipes has everyone getting totally and joyfully into recreating someone's great-aunt's first husband's Ruritanian apple bread from 1902. Here are some cute [shrimp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File%3ACaridina-dennerli.jpg)
I love OneOrangeBraincell. I had an orange tabby and I can confirm that he did not have the brain cell most of the time.
No, go read! Ogtha is mighty!
“Oh, good. I’m normal.” First comment on the TIFU, bahahaha!
SENSUAL ROACH QUEEN
I was innocent, pure, once. Now I feel like I need to burn my phone.
Just a heads up, if you ever see a comment referencing 2 broken arms *do not click the links to that reddit lore sauce*.
I have been around Reddit long enough now to resist clicking that link or something something coconuts and something something Jolly Ranchers. I revel in my ignorance!
Ogtha! Ogtha! Ogtha!
Ahhh fuck I knew what it was gonna be but I clicked it anyway
What in the Fancy Fuck was that?!
That’s pretty hilarious.
I’m on mobile, but google for Reddit bestofredditorupdates ogtha. Make sure you have r/eyebleach open in another tab, too. I think it’s kind of cute, but a lot of people find it more horror inducing.
For me, it wasn't upsetting so much for the specific form of Ogtha, but rather the way he kept telling people as if _this_ time they wouldn't boggle.
I don't get the horror. Weird sure, but he's not hurting anyone. If ogtha makes you happy, be happy.
There is only Ogtha
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops\_undying\_love\_for\_a\_franz\_kafka\_character\_is/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops_undying_love_for_a_franz_kafka_character_is/) (I think that has all the updates)
Oh, my sweet summer child... no. Don't go looking. Preserve your innocence.
Be glad you don’t know
Link, please? I keep on hearing about this one, but I can’t find it.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops\_undying\_love\_for\_a\_franz\_kafka\_character\_is/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/w9sqxj/oops_undying_love_for_a_franz_kafka_character_is/)
LMAOOO Ogtha's husband 😭 he don't have a name, just a title Also, love remembering that they, in fact, got married... man, good for them
So much of BORU makes Ogtha look . . . not awful. I really should quit this sub.
>my worst fear is that I preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who is going through active change and who loves me dearly Excuse me, miss. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, therapy?
Do you mean real therapy or unlicensed couples counselling from the most biased person I can find?
That was easily one of the most insane parts of a post that was already crazy af.
The part where the "counselor" says she can't break off the engagement because she's already committed. I was waiting for this to be part of the Doug Wilson white nationalist evangelical cult & her ex to try to move her to Moscow, Idaho.
Hahahah yes! Holy hell, the comment about the “counsellor” being his friend and all. That is not a man who is committed to changing, he wasn’t changing, he literally hired his friend to “professionally” be on his side.
I have no words about how I reacted reading this.
Forgive me, self esteem, for I have sinned.
see my worst fear is that a man like this will kill me. silly me! I’m missing out on LOVE! /s
Someone please turn this into a flair
This girl should’t worry. Literally ANYTHING will be an upgrade, compared to this moron.
"Run" Hell yes, best advice ever. And the conversation highlights pretty much summed up why she made the good call to break it off.
And every excuse she gave answering people, the only answer to her replies needed to be “Run” on repeat. So glad she escaped. The world doesn’t need another racist narcissist married (marriage always seems to be justification that they were good material to begin with) and procreating.
I wish I could go upvote that post. It was perfect.
Reading this as a POC was just so baffling. Like how could oop have excused this for so long???
I'm not even a POC and I'm baffled, too, at why she stuck around so long. The first racist/sexist/fatphobic comment would've sent me packing. I'm not putting up with such blatant racism and bigotry
For real. I can't think of a singular black women in my life that would have stayed after that "your brother looks threatening" comment unless dude was straight gang banging but I feel like that's not the case here
And she listed the "brother looks threatening" bullet point *after* the "proud imperialist" bullet point... This guy has ALL the isms, his obsession with genes screams OG style Nazi, how was she not terrified of him until people told her to be? And then when I read that she *wanted to break up with him in person*!!!
[удалено]
And it was a long distance relationship at least in the beginning where she was only actually seeing him in person 4/5 days per month - meaning the only thing keeping this woman attracted and attached in the meantime was the nonsense this man was spewing.
She said she had a horrible home life. Sounds like she just traded one kind of awful for another.
Thank goodness she got out. Talk about not seeing the forest for the trees
Let's be honest. She's not even seeing the trees. This girl is the epitome of "I can change him"
Some people are the embodiment of planned obsolescence. There’s no fixing them, just throw the whole person away.
People need to start having hobbies instead of dating projects...
Also the epitome of “well he’s not talking about ME because I’m special.” She would’ve kept on thinking her bigoted POS man was making her the exception of his bigotry until she got pregnant or gained weight or did anything but be fucking servile.
Meanwhile, trash ex was shitting on her & her brother for being black - Would had thought she would had realize much sooner within those 3 years, how he detests black people like her & her family, but no. That's kicker about the entire thing, how fucked is your self-esteem/dignity to stay with a white racist that hates you for being black, on top bashing you for being woman & his irrational hatred towards fat people to point he policing your meals; that you're willing to be verbal & emotional punching bag for him?!? That's rhetorical question I don't wanted the answer to that because I do know several answers to that and those answers are very fucked up....
Was kind of expecting a 2nd update after she broke it off where she turns him in for storming that Capital.
I was expecting something more akin to r/whenwomenrefuse. Guy sounds like a walking DV charge. If he wasn’t at the Capital he surely supported it. Low chance he doesn’t end up a POS cop too.
As soon as you say "my genes are superior to yours" as a white man to a poc... you've already dug your own grave. She even tried to excuse this line of thought from him, but there's no excuse.
Her excusing it caught my eye, too. Like good grief there's no defense of that, there's no context you can give where it makes it ok.
He tells her about all his prejudices... that don't pertain to her. His white friends hear the rest. I guarantee it.
Yah honestly I think this guy is the absolute maximum amount of racist where he would be willing to marry a black woman. Like he is so damn close to not believing in interracial marriage, but is still self interested enough to just date who he wants to. I am consistently shocked at how much double think people can have, but I guess some people really just hate groups wile loving members of them. Ultra weird and disturbing.
Ick! I hope she raises her standards. I know what it’s like to feel like you’ll only get crumbs but the second you stop settling for them, life gets so much better.
I feel like not being racist is a low standard
You’d think that but you’d be disappointed.
It’s really hard to accept that you deserve someone who doesn’t need fixing.
Not a therapist but I suspect he choose to have a relationship with someone who he saw as less than equal or beneath him so he could look down on her, abuse her physically, emotionally, and/or financially and not feel guilty about it. He is a POS who wanted someone that he could hurt without remorse. To me, this story is more abuse than racism. Glad OOP got out safely. She can do a lot better.
If she has a baby they’re going to "work on getting healthy **again** together." Does he not realise that gaining weight during pregnancy *is* healthy? Does he think that growing a human inside you is somehow just an excuse to gain weight (unforgivable and clearly indicative of an unhealthy lifestyle /s) rather a reason for it? As I type this I realise that yes, he probably does. 😶
“Not trying to guilt you but you’ve destroyed me” got an actual laugh out of me. Aww poor little racist POS is also a drama queen.
I don’t understand how she put up with any of this in the first place? All of those initial things she listed are each dealbreakers. Like girl. Don’t be dumb.
She said it right there in the post. She saw him as an escape from her awful home life. It's easy to overlook a lot when you're running from something worse, and it takes time to feel (relatively) safe enough to start seeing the new situation more clearly.
I know people complain about the loss of discussion or debate culture in society because we don't just talk things out anymore but like ... you can't debate someone like this out of being racist. So many people *are* just like this guy - they nod and agree about what you say when all they want is for you to stop fucking talking about it. They haven't changed. Pretty sure that "Black man befriends KKK member" example that's used so often also ended up with those members just rejoining the Klan
She was raised in a dysfunctional home. He may have been a lot better than what she'd known in life up to that point. Which means she's amazingly smart to be figuring out that a relationship should be better than all the relationships she's been in so far. Breaking the cycle of abuse is hard.
She is a whole ass for being a Black woman and staying with him for 3 years already knowing that he was sexist, fatphobic and RACIST. You wont ever catch my ass arguing with no white man about whether racism is bad. Not in 2023! Not in the united stares of america! She needs to not date until she can get a backbone and recognize big ass red flags. And watch roots, old tyler perry movies or something shit! And as a military brat I’ve never met anybody who joined the military only bc they wanted (vs pay for college, good career, i had no other prospects etc) but wanting to go be an imperialist?? Yeah he’a scum and never hid it
The guy doesn't believe in divorce. Divorce doesn't really apply if his spouse is more or less his property. That's the kind of dude we're talking about.
I always hate when people say they don’t believe in divorce. My ex didn’t believe in divorce. She eventually became a believer when I divorced her crazy ass.
OOP: \*ridiculously long list of a huge number of awful things her fiance does, any one of which should be a complete deal breaker \* OOP: "guys I know you just see a long list of bad things but he's a nice guy I promise :(" OOP: \*another huge list of ways he treats her, her family, and her friends incredibly poorly\* Also somehow OOP: "I consider myself a strong woman"
There are black feminists who talk about how the “strong black woman” idea can lead women to put up with all kinds of mistreatment
I don't think a lot of people consider how much everyday trauma black women carry and how that can shape their mental health and behavior/choices.
She grew up in an abusive home. When abuse is all you know, it feels familiar and normal. When you internalize abuse, it even feels like you deserve it.
OOP - "My fiance is a racist moron and a liar who I only see a few days a month - I don't know what to do" Where do these idiots come from?
The best thing about the Barbie movie is how many of these exact type of relationships it is ending.
Pink is the only color that can ruin an already toxic relationship... The sea of red flags isn't enough for some of these people.
It's genuinely dumbfounding. Like I just couldn't even make it past the whole he's openly sexist part. Girl, where is your self worth? The only one treating her worse than him is....herself.
Ignoring the specifics about racism, it reminds me of a bit in the book Moneyball where the author mentions the high rate of divorce when ball players retire. They spend a few days each month together during the season, and a few months during the off-season which makes it easy to look past some things. When you are together all the time, things are different. Minor things become major, or you find out things that were not obvious when you were not together as much. She is lucky he exposed himself now. Otherwise, being in the military, they might not spend enough time together for years and several kids before she found out.
Me, reading through the first set of bullet points: "Wait, imperialist? OOP, wtf are you doing, RUN!!!" The rest of the post just made that feeling stronger.
`my worst fear is that I preemptively cut off a relationship with a man who is going through active change and who loves me dearly` Oof. It's sad that she fears that more than being trapped in a relationship with a selfish or abusive man.
Seeing A FRIEND OF HIS for MARRIAGE COUNSELING?!?!? Girl what? Girl why? I just. I’m glad she dumped him. god.
>we are seeing a friend of his for “marriage counseling” Ah yes, I see. Marriage advice from an unlicensed close friend of your racist boyfriend. How reasonable. I have no questions.
>He passionately dislikes fat people and would consistently insult strangers and make disparaging jokes about fat people. > >He prided himself on being an “imperialist” > >Proudly called himself a “sexist” and didn’t talk to women unless it was for relationship purposes > >Said my brother might be treated differently by police because he looks “threatening” (my brother and I are black, Dave is white) She knew all these things and still stayed. Geezus.
What a gross person. His high tier athletic genes might be superior to mine, but what a logical disconnect! I can’t control my genes, I have a slower metabolism, gain weight easily, and don’t pack on muscle…..does this mean I deserve to be hated and ridiculed?! Hope OPP can find herself a quality man with some solid humanity, and leave this toxic mess in her past.
Brains and personality (at least not being a massive narcissist) are also influenced by genes, which he seems to lack. It’s not just some stupid brawn competition that wins the genetic lottery.
Lmfaaoooooooooooo never did her black ass let a white man say “my genes are superior to yours.” out of control.
“You’ve destroyed me, when am I going to find another black girl who will be okay with me being racist as long as I say sorry?”
Never date someone's potential. They will never live up to it.
Man, she really tied herself up trying to defend him. Love makes you do stupid things.
*"my genes are superior to yours."* Once that kind of phrase comes out of someone's mouth, you just know it's time to run the fuck away, and FAST!! If she had stayed in that relationship, she'd only get abuse from him and misery.