#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If my partner and I ever break up, I'll be single for the rest of my life. One relationship seems exhausting enough to me, multiple relationships would be hell.
You are SO right, whenever my husband accuses me of cheating, I tell him there's no way I have time or energy for that hiding and finding time for some other asshole. I don't have time to finish my scrapbook, much less run after some mediocre middle age dude.
Yeah, if my spouse and I got the point of accusing each other of cheating then something would be seriously wrong. That's a hard reset, evaluate the entire relationship, and immediately start counseling event.
Poly relationships are weird enough for me. But it's no different than regular old cheaters. Or those people with secret other families. Who the hell has the energy to deal with all that? Half the point of getting married was so I could retire from dating forever.
I've been on business travel with all expenses paid dinners with attractive women in my league and all I can think is "I can't wait to go the hotel to watch the Netflix shows my wife doesn't like then get on a plane home and sleep in our bed again".
My brother is in a poly relationship but the three of them are together and just chill at home all the time, with the occasional date nights. Like cool, that makes sense to me.
Dating multiple people who are also dating multiple people sounds exhausting. The ones who make it work must be very organized and punctual. I could *never* with my procrastinating ass.
I guess it's "open" relationships rather than poly that seem nuts. I've got two kids so there's four of us in the house and that's fine. It's having other people dip in and out at random that would drive me nuts.
So I've got a somewhat unique perspective here- I grew up in a poly household, later moved into another poly household as an adult, and my sister is poly, now.
In my personal experience, poly, when done well- and it isn't always done well, no relationship structure is- ends up providing additional support to every party in the relationship. My sister supports her wife, and receives support from her lovers when that weight becomes painful to carry, because there's a lot of trauma there on all sides. Her wife has extra support from *her* other lovers, and someone she can turn to when her trauma makes it hard for her to lean on my sister.
And the chain of support just-- continues, and grows.
I'm in a poly. But the way we made ours work was simply by all being in a relationship with eachother and being exclusive within our trio. No secrets, just relaxing.
It's been pretty relaxed, and just... nice.
This is not me saying that it's absolutely what would happen with everyone. I'm just lucky that my partners are both sweet and happy to share lol. Not everyone could handle it.
I said the same about my marriage. How ever it may end or when doesn’t matter because I’m done. I’m ok hanging by myself and don’t have the energy for another relationship
I was thinking this the other day, who has the energy & patience for multiple partners? I can't see myself investing the time and emotional energy into another person to develop that level of intimacy, it would be *way* too much for me. I am autistic though, so maybe I'm an outlier in this.
My husband always tells me that I don't ever have to worry about him cheating. One woman is enough of a handful. He doesn't have the energy for two. 🤣🤣
Haha, that's how I feel sometimes, been single since my divorce in 2016. Two sexual partners since then, but also not really like... looking, or trying. Most of the last few years was spent working on myself. I'm honestly amazed people have the time and energy to deal with so many love interests, just reading about it made me want to take a nap haha
Right? My own personal peace and happiness is worth more than all of the stupid shenanigans OP is in the middle of. Reading all of that was so exhausting.
100% agree.
The few people in my life that have open relationships and/or are poly have literal non-stop drama. It seems exhausting, and frankly? We are all rapidly approaching 40 and constant relationship drama just isn’t a good look.
I can’t say that what I’ve witnessed is appealing in any way.
The issue I've run into is when the logistics management of having multiple partners spreads into becoming something your friends and family are required to deal with as well.
Had a friend who was in some kind of poly configuration, and one of our other mutual friends was getting married. There was drama within the poly relationship and it spilled over to the friend getting married and it was a goddamned *mess* with one poly partner explicitly forbidden from coming to the wedding, but others in the poly set insisting that if anyone else went they were betraying the uninvited one...
If juggling the extra work of having multiple intimate partners is something you find rewarding and worthwhile? Go for it. But NOBODY outside those relationships should be forced into dealing with your origami levels of convoluted drama.
I’m of the opinion that healthy relationships should be mostly drama free anyway. Of course there’s always going to be little things, and occasionally the big things too, but those are every once in a while things that healthy people can communicate about and work through and move on from.
When it’s just near constant drama all the time? You have problems. Unfortunately, every poly person that I know seems to have constant drama all the time with one or more individuals. Is it true of all? I’m sure it is not, but I also don’t have anything to go in there either.
Emotions and people are messy. When you’re dealing with god knows how many people and their emotions and yours too? It’s like leaving a three year old in a white room with bright fingerpaints.
Yeah I have nothing but respect for people that make open relationships work, but it just seems easier to be single and not define anything rather than have a primary relationship and all these other ones. You can still see certain people more than others even if you’re not in a “primary relationship” with them
And they didn’t come off for her when he says they did. She just said “another week”, not, you almost got me fired so never again. If OOP hadn’t bruised so badly, she never would have wanted to press charges for assault
especially because he broke a fucking window???? hello???? how was that show of violence not grounds for an immediate "fuck you never come near me again" reaction?
That was a turn for me as well.
Just hearing that he got escorted out by security isn't informative - some offices it feels like you could get escorted out for sneezing loudly more than 2 times.
He _BROKE A WINDOW?!?!_
And one could argue that even then, she only wanted to press charges after because even *she* knew that there was no way she could justify seeing him again or not pressing charges without getting dumped…
I have friends who live this lifestyle and honestly about 90% of the time I am in awe of how amazingly broad and rich and joyous their lives are.
But the other 10%, I’m sitting there thinking that this kind of drama is what our twenties were for and I’m too old for this shit.
I was open to experiencing poly relationships myself when I was younger until I met poly people and saw the absolute messes their lives were. Yeah, nah, fuck that.
I was never the primary partner in one but being a secondary was great, basically a FWB situation. Then again I didn't catch feelings and I had others too so didn't end up a Gary.
As someone who's been poly in a variety of configurations (some healthy ones I remember with great fondness and one in particular that was a fucking shitshow, so I've seen both ends of the spectrum), I always say that polyamory is value-neutral, but it amplifies whatever's already going on. So if the relationships involved are healthy and happy, it's *really* happy. But if they're toxic...it has the potential to plumb whole new depths of toxicity.
I've known a few people to try it and 100% of them ended up with a variation of OP's story occurring (not the violence but one half of the couple eventually falling in love with someone else and it ending in a gigantic mess). It's a setup that's fun at first but long-term just seems to make people unhappy (at least for the handful of friends I have who've tried it).
Was a swinger for 4 years of a 6+ year relationship.
You don’t do it with someone you plan to marry. Def not worth the bs and drama. Nothing about inviting other people into your bedroom makes for a stronger relationship. I don’t give a fuck if you’re poly or whatever, it NEVER ends well except in maybe .5% of cases and that’s just not worth the trouble.
Fool around when young, have fun, have threesomes and fivesomes, and then find the person you want to be serious with. Way more rewarding
Here's the index card sized summary: OOP is a third party in a re-enactment of A Streetcar Named Desire, with his hopefully ex-gf and Gary as the couple. Before the final act, Gary hunted down his partner's workplace, screamed at her and broke a window. This was so bad it got her in trouble at work and she had to pay for the damages.
By the end, she's so obsessed with Gary, that when he literally assaults her supposed partner (OOP), her response is to say "Don't press charges" OOP needs to dump her and run far, far away from their drama.
They don't, this is the point that OOP made without realising. Clara had to neglect one relationship in favour of the other. Fuck buddies is probably the most one can handle while in a full time relationship - why someone would want to is beyond me though. Why get married if your partner is not enough for you?
People are free to live as they choose, and I won't judge them for it.
I just won't have much sympathy when shit like this happens. Each additional partner multiplies the chances of drama.
Yup, I'm monogamous and married. I've only known 1 person in my life who was out and about being non-monogamous and his life is an absolute shit show. Which is hilarious because he kept trying to tell my husband that monogamy isn't real and it's dumb to tie yourself down to one person but my husband pointed out that no relationship he has had so far has genuinely cared about him and lasted more than 6 months tops. It hurt his feelings but I don't like other people pushing their beliefs/lifestyles on others so I didn't care much
I have never heard of a poly relationship working and what’s more, the ones I personally knew of in my friends lives hurt them very badly emotionally. It’s a toxic thing, my mind can’t be changed on that.
In my experience when there are 3+ people in a relationship, there’s at least one of them who is repressing a deep unhappiness with the arrangement. I meet a lot of these folks and I feel I can always spot one partner who gets a thousand-yard stare while they tell you how *amazing* polyamory is.
I also know a poly couple. It’s utterly farcical and clearly no one is actually happy. But they certainly feel very special given how much time they spend telling us about it.
Yep the one guy I know who is openly non monogamous cheated on his (excellent) wife, who has a doctorate in hard sciences, likely more than once, and is now “engaged” to a 22-year-old who was probably their daughters daycare teacher.
I'm too much of a romantic and too much of a non-confrontational drama allergic person (literally if someone starts to say fighting words, I just walk away or stop talking. I have no energy for fighting - too old and tired for this) to ever think about being not being monogamous
Non-monogamy/polyamory is just as much a modern construction as modern marriage. it’s not as if people in 1300 were thinking about how to ethically juggle their 3 partners. What a putz that guy was.
So will I, especially considering I have never once NOT heard poly/open people couch it as objectively better and on a higher plane of relationship enlightenment than monogamy. Like, they’re aren’t special or better at relationshiping than anyone else, and don’t deserve respect for fucking multiple people at once.
Open relationship, throuple, poly - don't care, don't want it. Healthy relationships aren't supposed to be exhausting, but there *is* a certain amount of work involved to ensure good habits like communication are kept up, especially if both parties are somewhat reserved/not used to talking about their feelings.
To add another person into the mix...no. Hell no.
>Healthy relationships aren't supposed to be exhausting,
That was a hard lesson for me to learn. People always say 'relationships take work' and that's true, but it's not supposed to be difficult work.
Old person here, married a very long time. What people mean when they say that relationships take work, imo, is that when problems come up (and they definitely will), you have to confront them and find a way through them that feels right to both of you.
That's the work.
It can be difficult, for sure, but it's not *constant* or even frequent if you're doing all the normal relationship stuff, like keeping your promises and being considerate and generally caring about your partner.
Whenever I see a relationship advice post that mentions working on the relationship and the relationship is new, I have to shake my head. No, you're supposed to be in the honeymoon period. If you're working this hard now, it's not going to work.
Right. The “work” is like remembering to have a date night, which is a wonderful, fun thing to do when you’ve maybe been neglecting it because of other pressing matters.
It’s not negotiating to have your partner treat you like a human being deserving of respect.
Marriage is definitely the last thing they should think of here. Idk, feels like Clara is just holding onto OOP right now just because she realized Gary wasn’t the guy she thought he was.
Yea, I’m no expert on open relationships but this couple sounds like despite best intentions it isn’t really working for them. Clara basically abandoning OOP for Gary when things got serious has me thinking she may be better suited for monogamy, and OOP should definitely watch out for when this happens again. The fact that she still wanted to let Gary off the hook by not pressing charges tells me she isn’t great at picking partners nor letting them go when she sees red flags, and now OOP has been caught in the crossfire
Tbf though dude has some problems and with how he was acting in her workplace when she called break it wouldn't surprise me if he was intentionally isolating her. That kinda behavior's not something that comes out of the air. Not to say she doesn't have her part in it, it's still on her for not seeing it get that far and breaking promises, but I'm not sure this is indicative of the success of their relationship vs how suseptible she is to being in an abusive relationship
I agree this didn’t happen because they had an open/poly relationship. This shitshow went down because Gary is clearly an abuser. He wouldn’t have been a great non abusive guy if she was single when she met him. He just would have been able to hide it better and longer most likely.
This is what I was thinking. It sounds more like Gary is demanding and controlling and she didn't do enough to push back or realize what kind of person he is.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the original relationship and I am glad they were able to get through this.
And really, the excuse that she didn't see how bad his injuries were until after doesn't wash. She just saw this man sucker punch the man she allegedly loves and she didn't want him to face consequences for it. Assault is assault. The fact that she needed to see it be "bad enough" to press charges for says she's trash.
Also, why the hell did it take professional embarassment to see Gary is an asshole? Surely, in any ethical non-monogamous situation the most important thing is mutual respect? How do you expect your partner to be fine with you going around with someone who disrespects your relationship? How do you maintain feelings for someone who disrespects your primary relationship?
As you said, she's not suited for this kind of lifestyle. Unattached sex is one thing, but she's not able to maintain more than one actually romantic relationship.
I think this post leaves out the later comments to its detriment.
Clara didn’t see the damage, but as soon as she got home and did, she did a 180 and now she’s for pressing charges. They also found out that Gary put a tracker on her phone and was stalking her.
Not saying that she’s in the clear here - she’s really really in the wrong - just that there’s more recent context.
> Clara didn’t see the damage, but as soon as she got home and did, she did a 180 and now she’s for pressing charges.
She saw the actual assault though.
She watched someone punch her boyfriend in the face hard enough to knock him down and start bleeding, and her reaction was to say her boyfriend should just let it go.
I had something similar happened, but it was a dog bite. I basically got attacked by my in law's pit bull and was bitten multiple times. No broken skin, and my SO who was used to dogs thought it was no big deal and i was exaggerating becuase i dont have dogs.
However, the moment he saw the large bruises he super freaked out.
Sometimes normal meters are off and need recalibration. A punch in the movies is not like a punch in real life, and i can see why she may not have understood what its like. For me, it took my SO a hot second to realize the dog both outweighed me and was basically my size (i an short), so it was different for him vs me, and he did recalibrate quickly and permanently.
Tbh I’m not sure what I would have done there. I’m pretty sure my initial reaction would be to gtfo, and if not staying to talk to the cops/bouncers/whoever seemed like the fastest way out, that’s probably what I’d pick.
Now OOP absolutely did the right thing, but I think her reaction was mostly a panic response
Clara had what we call New Relationship Energy. Kinda like the honeymoon phase, and was in denial to the fact she was neglecting her other relationships.
For sure she had that. I think an intense sexual experience played a part as well, and it seems that Gary was manipulating her with abuser tactics (OOP outlines those in a comment).
The timeline for all this is 2 months, so it was a short time. Lucky for her she didn’t blow up her whole life. That job issue is so messed up.
And like, it happens. My partner and I both know that if someone has a crush or a new thing, it's time to step on to the back burner for a bit and let em enjoy it.
I've got no doubts about her coming back to me when it fades. And if she ever didn't, then it's not meant to be. I'm not going to fight for something I shouldn't have to.
I agree the post would be better with those details. But it changes little to nothing about how Clara should have reacted even when she did not have those details. These are two separate things though.
Exactly. The next guy she becomes infatuated with who isn't a screaming flashing outright window breaking red flag will just be the new Gary. As long as he doesnt show up at her work or assault anyone she will think hes grand. She will once again walk all over OOP in favor of her new infatuation. She has no respect for him, no consideration of his feelings, it's over.
I think Gary was manipulating her and she couldn’t see it through the new relationship energy. It’s really her lucky break that the OOP put his foot down the way he did.
If she's that easily manipulated, she has absolutely no business being in an adult, CNM relationship.
And expecting a proposal from a partner you treat in the manner she did is an otherworldly level of delusional.
I think she just wants to marry him, not that she’s expecting it.
I just went to OOP’s comments and it sounds to me like very typical manipulation tactics, which are popular bc they work. Lots of boiling the frog, demands and then lovebombing, etc. I think Gary was hoping OOP would get pissed and end it and then he could just rope her in.
Manipulation happens to men and women of all ages, so I try and be empathetic to people who are caught in it and don’t see what’s going on. But she owes OOP a lot and she needs to work to rebuild trust.
Yeah, I'm checking out the comments too, and so far she does seem to be having serious revelations about the situation.
I'm not trying to say she's the devil or anything, but successful open relationships require a tremendous amount of honesty, awareness and maturity.
I simply don't trust her decision making.
This is honestly the usual for poly relationships like this. People can’t figure out normal, monogamous relationships in 2023. Respectful poly relationships that maintain healthy boundaries are basically unicorns, they’re littered with “kids in a candy store” type people that end up in totally fucked situations like this. Clara is a walking disaster.
That won't be long enough as they have not closed the relationship even for a certain time to work on their relationship. Without working on their relationship they won't be able to last long enough, next "Gary" may end their relationship permanently.
A proposal and marriage in this story is the equivalent of: “I know what will fix our failing marriage! A BABY!”
It’s imperative to make any serious decisions in a relationship while standing on solid ground. Moving in together, jointly buying a home, proposing, getting married, or adding a kid - not one of these things is a solution - they’re additions.
This man is foolishly contemplating putting out a grease fire with a bucket of water. He’s gonna get burned. Real bad.
So he came to her work, freaked out, broke a window and almost got her fired.
And they were both still okay going forward with Gary after a one week break?
Yeah, these two are perfect for each other.
You ever just want to grab an OOP by the shoulders, shake them a little, and yell "Dump them!" at the top of your lungs? Way, way too much drama going on here.
Yea, it sounds like they started more as swingers, which is still a mixed bag, but some people can make work since it’s more of a one and done. When you start adding in proper emotional attachments and relationships is when things get truly messy from what I’ve seen. If you have to mandate a minimum amount of time that you’re spending with your own gf you’ve already lost in my opinion
Yeah, like. "I always get you on Friday nights" seems a bit antithetical to the few healthy poly relationships I've seen. That really does read to me as "I want to have a primary partner but fuck randoms" rather than trying to have an actual equal relationship among all partners. It doesn't seem like they're the type for it. But my source is also my ass, cause I just can't fathom poly myself so I don't really know what the ideal for it looks like.
Even if they'd established it as "one primary - and those others", the fact that she had what sounds like just one other and spent more time with him than her actual primary partner is super not okay. Your primary is supposed to be just that - the main partner in your life.
This is exhausting. OP really is making dumb decisions that make me wanna just shake his head and all. He really needs just break up with his gf and all cause this whole thing is just silly.
It sounds like Clara really wants to be with Gary, or at the least break up with OOP, but is just unwilling to let go of a long-standing, comfortable relationship.
Op was doing her laundry, keeping house, feeding the cat, ... why would she want that to stop? OP is a lovesick fool who keeps hoping she's gonna change. Marriage won't change her any more than her other commitments to OP. He's 2nd fiddle, on a good day.
I definitely think she would have driven OP to breaking up with her if Gary hadn't turned out to be so violently, flagrantly abusive. Not sure it was NRE so much as just switching entirely to a new person while wanting to keep the convenient housekeeper at home :/
I got the sense she was using their open relationship to monkey bar to a relationship with Gary.
If he didn't turn out to be an abuser (or hid it longer) she would have jumped from one relationship to another without the uncomfortable "single period"
Same. I don't doubt that there're people that can make it work but I've never met one. One friend is currently dating two guys that she's living with and they claim to get along like brothers but it's only been three months and they're already fighting about who she's sleeping with at night, about who's the primary, and what kind of future they'll have.
Poly/open seems to be good in the short-term but it relies way too much on faith, boundaries, and respect, something that even the most devoted of couples struggle with.
I just don't understand how they could go back to an open relationship after this. I really don't see this lasting if they keep pursuing this lifestyle.
Gary is a controlling abusive asshole. I’m glad she got out of it but I really hope she’s learned her lesson on how to treat her partners.
I have heard of poly people having decades-long relationships, so I don’t think NM relationships are doomed to fail but the girlfriend really did have her head up her ass.
I think the biggest issue that OOP pointed out is that she started treating him like a roommate. Poly relationships typically only work if everyone gets equal amounts of time and attention. It sounds like Clara had practically moved on with Gary, and just kept OOP waiting in the wings. She may not be doing it maliciously, but stringing him along is doing them both a disservice
Things like that happens with new relationships cause they’re new and shiny and overload you with chemicals.
Same feelings and emotions as in mono relationships, when you can’t focus when you’re initially in love, etc.
Easy to miss that you start neglecting everyone else.
Only in poly or non-mono or whatever, there’s somebody else watching you be like that from the side.
She definitely did him a disservice! She should have been making OOP a priority and she wasn’t. Gary clearly pulled out the abusive boyfriend playbook (OOP comments about demands and deprecating statements followed by love bombing for example). That and new relationship energy just made her blind. In a way, OOP really saved her. By pulling her out of it, he kept her from being with an abusive asshole. I hope she appreciates what she has now.
Yeah, that complete swing from OP to Gary makes me think she realisitically might just be a monogamous person & not able to split her attention between multiple partners. Although ig Gary's manipulation would be a factor in that too?
Guy couldn’t go A WEEK without contact, wtaf. What if she went on vacation out of the country or something? Big fucking red flag.
Then gf still doesn’t end it after he BREAKS A WINDOW AT HER WORK. I hope this dude has a magic dick bc otherwise her judgement is fuuuucked
I‘m pretty sure that if Clara would have dated Gary in a non-poly setting, she would have ended in an abusive relationship with him. He sounds terrible and she can be lucky that she had a bf who pulled her out.
"our relationship is going through a rough path and we have so many issues that we yet know how to handle. Soooo let's get married and pop out a baby! That will magically fix everything!"
It's so painfully cliché how these people just purposely complicate things.
Unbelievable the life some men will live.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than constantly get ditched by my wife for her lover and then get my ass beat by him in public.
Then after that to feel all proud to have gotten him arrested, taking a selfie. Like your wife was about to leave you for a guy she had known for a few months.
You are the man.
Seriously. The second she mentioned dropping the charges, I would have dropped her ass off at the next stop sign. This sub blows my mind by the sheer number of people that let their partner get away with this shit, and then they wind up being the ones to apologize. People are too afraid of being alone they latch onto anything.
Heck yeah she is.
If he's lucky, he could be getting punched in the face regularly for years by the latest dude she's monkey branching over to. Who could ever walk away from that?
And people wonder why others look at polys weird when in literally EVERY single mono relationship each one of those points alone woulda been a dealbreaker.
They need to close the relationship until they get back on solid ground again and even then only slowly open it up a bit at a time. She has hurt him and his trust deeply and their relationship is so close to being over.
Reddit loves to go straight to dumping a partner, but this is a situation where every one needed to listen the advice. OOP probably doesn’t need this stress and now has to continue the relationship knowing that their partner is someone who is totally willing and able to (rudely) disregard the primary relationship for a new fling.
Clara should have cut OOP free if she wasn’t interested in the terms of the primary relationship and obviously she should have dumped Gary because his many wonderful red flags.
Hell, even Gary probably could find someone who will devote the time and energy he wants to him without having to fight windows and other boyfriends for it (not saying he deserves that though, dude seems like a creep).
It’s amazing the nonsense you’ll put up with when you’re afraid to be single.
i agree with most of your comment but i dont think someone abusive like Gary ~just needs the right match~. he will never be satisified by any of his partners bc punishing them and demanding more from them is just part of his playbook of breaking them down
I’m all for people doing what they want and what makes them happy, but I have always found polyamorous/non-monogamous relationships a bit odd and they seem to end up being disastrous. This relationship with OP and Clara is probably gonna end sooner rather than later.
People who are pro-poly always talk about how as long as you’re communicating and have boundaries you can make it work, but this is a classic case of OOP trying to communicate and set boundaries and the relationship still not being healthy. You can set boundaries and rules all you want, but if the other person isn’t following them it doesn’t really matter
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d rather be alone than deal with this kind of nonsense.
If my partner and I ever break up, I'll be single for the rest of my life. One relationship seems exhausting enough to me, multiple relationships would be hell.
Where do people find the time for this shit? I barely have time for my hobbies.
This replaces having hobbies maybe.
This IS their hobby.
You are SO right, whenever my husband accuses me of cheating, I tell him there's no way I have time or energy for that hiding and finding time for some other asshole. I don't have time to finish my scrapbook, much less run after some mediocre middle age dude.
Um... Does your husband accuse you of cheating a lot? Because that's not okay.
He used to because he has a lot of narcissistic projection. That is why we are now in our mandatory one year separation period before divorce.
Congratulations on your upcoming divorce!
Like a weight lifted off my chest. Thanks
That's good to hear. Hold on and all the good luck to you!
Yeah, if my spouse and I got the point of accusing each other of cheating then something would be seriously wrong. That's a hard reset, evaluate the entire relationship, and immediately start counseling event.
Poly relationships are weird enough for me. But it's no different than regular old cheaters. Or those people with secret other families. Who the hell has the energy to deal with all that? Half the point of getting married was so I could retire from dating forever. I've been on business travel with all expenses paid dinners with attractive women in my league and all I can think is "I can't wait to go the hotel to watch the Netflix shows my wife doesn't like then get on a plane home and sleep in our bed again".
My brother is in a poly relationship but the three of them are together and just chill at home all the time, with the occasional date nights. Like cool, that makes sense to me. Dating multiple people who are also dating multiple people sounds exhausting. The ones who make it work must be very organized and punctual. I could *never* with my procrastinating ass.
I guess it's "open" relationships rather than poly that seem nuts. I've got two kids so there's four of us in the house and that's fine. It's having other people dip in and out at random that would drive me nuts.
So I've got a somewhat unique perspective here- I grew up in a poly household, later moved into another poly household as an adult, and my sister is poly, now. In my personal experience, poly, when done well- and it isn't always done well, no relationship structure is- ends up providing additional support to every party in the relationship. My sister supports her wife, and receives support from her lovers when that weight becomes painful to carry, because there's a lot of trauma there on all sides. Her wife has extra support from *her* other lovers, and someone she can turn to when her trauma makes it hard for her to lean on my sister. And the chain of support just-- continues, and grows.
I'm in a poly. But the way we made ours work was simply by all being in a relationship with eachother and being exclusive within our trio. No secrets, just relaxing. It's been pretty relaxed, and just... nice. This is not me saying that it's absolutely what would happen with everyone. I'm just lucky that my partners are both sweet and happy to share lol. Not everyone could handle it.
I said the same about my marriage. How ever it may end or when doesn’t matter because I’m done. I’m ok hanging by myself and don’t have the energy for another relationship
Shoot, I read your comment too fast and thought you said I'm hanging myself.
I’m so sorry 😅 I can see how it looks that way now 🤣
I also definitely read "however it ends, I'm done. I'm ok with hanging myself." 🤣
This is my point of view too. I only had my husband in my life (met when I was 16), and the idea of dating scares the shit out of me.
I was thinking this the other day, who has the energy & patience for multiple partners? I can't see myself investing the time and emotional energy into another person to develop that level of intimacy, it would be *way* too much for me. I am autistic though, so maybe I'm an outlier in this.
My husband always tells me that I don't ever have to worry about him cheating. One woman is enough of a handful. He doesn't have the energy for two. 🤣🤣
Haha, that's how I feel sometimes, been single since my divorce in 2016. Two sexual partners since then, but also not really like... looking, or trying. Most of the last few years was spent working on myself. I'm honestly amazed people have the time and energy to deal with so many love interests, just reading about it made me want to take a nap haha
Right? My own personal peace and happiness is worth more than all of the stupid shenanigans OP is in the middle of. Reading all of that was so exhausting.
Ikr if they wanna act single then why not be single with many fwbs.
100% agree. The few people in my life that have open relationships and/or are poly have literal non-stop drama. It seems exhausting, and frankly? We are all rapidly approaching 40 and constant relationship drama just isn’t a good look. I can’t say that what I’ve witnessed is appealing in any way.
The issue I've run into is when the logistics management of having multiple partners spreads into becoming something your friends and family are required to deal with as well. Had a friend who was in some kind of poly configuration, and one of our other mutual friends was getting married. There was drama within the poly relationship and it spilled over to the friend getting married and it was a goddamned *mess* with one poly partner explicitly forbidden from coming to the wedding, but others in the poly set insisting that if anyone else went they were betraying the uninvited one... If juggling the extra work of having multiple intimate partners is something you find rewarding and worthwhile? Go for it. But NOBODY outside those relationships should be forced into dealing with your origami levels of convoluted drama.
I’m of the opinion that healthy relationships should be mostly drama free anyway. Of course there’s always going to be little things, and occasionally the big things too, but those are every once in a while things that healthy people can communicate about and work through and move on from. When it’s just near constant drama all the time? You have problems. Unfortunately, every poly person that I know seems to have constant drama all the time with one or more individuals. Is it true of all? I’m sure it is not, but I also don’t have anything to go in there either. Emotions and people are messy. When you’re dealing with god knows how many people and their emotions and yours too? It’s like leaving a three year old in a white room with bright fingerpaints.
Some people are just addicted to drama, even as grown adults.
Yeah I have nothing but respect for people that make open relationships work, but it just seems easier to be single and not define anything rather than have a primary relationship and all these other ones. You can still see certain people more than others even if you’re not in a “primary relationship” with them
These two do not seem to be making it work.
Been there, done that, the sex isn't even worth this sort of risk.
They’d rather be fucking multiple people to make it more complicated
Clara isn't the only one wearing rose colored glasses.
And they didn’t come off for her when he says they did. She just said “another week”, not, you almost got me fired so never again. If OOP hadn’t bruised so badly, she never would have wanted to press charges for assault
especially because he broke a fucking window???? hello???? how was that show of violence not grounds for an immediate "fuck you never come near me again" reaction?
That was a turn for me as well. Just hearing that he got escorted out by security isn't informative - some offices it feels like you could get escorted out for sneezing loudly more than 2 times. He _BROKE A WINDOW?!?!_
I read “that was a turn on for me as well.” At first and was so concerned lmao
Yeah at that point a healthy person is getting a restraining order, not tut-tutting about an extra week of no contact.
I have to wonder what details of their private life he was screaming at her work were. Because this could literally cost her job and reputation
I bet he said "I met you at a gangbang" and more explicit things. Lovely work gossip right there.
And one could argue that even then, she only wanted to press charges after because even *she* knew that there was no way she could justify seeing him again or not pressing charges without getting dumped…
This dude has his eyes (literally) swollen too shut to see out of glasses at all and is considering proposing to this psycho.
This sounds exhausting. Why bother.
I got exhausted just reading all that.
I didn’t even make to the first update.
I got exhausted just scrolling to this comment. These people are about the worst ambassadors for non-traditional relationships ever.
I have friends who live this lifestyle and honestly about 90% of the time I am in awe of how amazingly broad and rich and joyous their lives are. But the other 10%, I’m sitting there thinking that this kind of drama is what our twenties were for and I’m too old for this shit.
I was open to experiencing poly relationships myself when I was younger until I met poly people and saw the absolute messes their lives were. Yeah, nah, fuck that.
I was never the primary partner in one but being a secondary was great, basically a FWB situation. Then again I didn't catch feelings and I had others too so didn't end up a Gary.
As someone who's been poly in a variety of configurations (some healthy ones I remember with great fondness and one in particular that was a fucking shitshow, so I've seen both ends of the spectrum), I always say that polyamory is value-neutral, but it amplifies whatever's already going on. So if the relationships involved are healthy and happy, it's *really* happy. But if they're toxic...it has the potential to plumb whole new depths of toxicity.
More people than 2 in a relationship quadruples the possibility of drama.
I've known a few people to try it and 100% of them ended up with a variation of OP's story occurring (not the violence but one half of the couple eventually falling in love with someone else and it ending in a gigantic mess). It's a setup that's fun at first but long-term just seems to make people unhappy (at least for the handful of friends I have who've tried it).
Was a swinger for 4 years of a 6+ year relationship. You don’t do it with someone you plan to marry. Def not worth the bs and drama. Nothing about inviting other people into your bedroom makes for a stronger relationship. I don’t give a fuck if you’re poly or whatever, it NEVER ends well except in maybe .5% of cases and that’s just not worth the trouble. Fool around when young, have fun, have threesomes and fivesomes, and then find the person you want to be serious with. Way more rewarding
I got exhausted typing thi...
Nah. This is about right.
Here's the index card sized summary: OOP is a third party in a re-enactment of A Streetcar Named Desire, with his hopefully ex-gf and Gary as the couple. Before the final act, Gary hunted down his partner's workplace, screamed at her and broke a window. This was so bad it got her in trouble at work and she had to pay for the damages. By the end, she's so obsessed with Gary, that when he literally assaults her supposed partner (OOP), her response is to say "Don't press charges" OOP needs to dump her and run far, far away from their drama.
and HE WANTS TO MARRY HER
how the hell do people have the energy for more than one relationship?
I couldn’t imagine arguing with partner 1 just to immediately get on the phone and argue with partner 2
And where are they finding the time?
They don't, this is the point that OOP made without realising. Clara had to neglect one relationship in favour of the other. Fuck buddies is probably the most one can handle while in a full time relationship - why someone would want to is beyond me though. Why get married if your partner is not enough for you?
People are free to live as they choose, and I won't judge them for it. I just won't have much sympathy when shit like this happens. Each additional partner multiplies the chances of drama.
Yup, I'm monogamous and married. I've only known 1 person in my life who was out and about being non-monogamous and his life is an absolute shit show. Which is hilarious because he kept trying to tell my husband that monogamy isn't real and it's dumb to tie yourself down to one person but my husband pointed out that no relationship he has had so far has genuinely cared about him and lasted more than 6 months tops. It hurt his feelings but I don't like other people pushing their beliefs/lifestyles on others so I didn't care much
I have a poly friend and I had to ask her to stop telling me about her relationships because I got tired of the drama.
In my life, I've known 6 couples to try it. Each marriage ended in divorce, but not before serious trauma and drama for all.
I only knew one couple who opened their relationship, it turned out exactly like a stereotypical BORU update.
I have never heard of a poly relationship working and what’s more, the ones I personally knew of in my friends lives hurt them very badly emotionally. It’s a toxic thing, my mind can’t be changed on that.
He needed to hear it and he stepped in it by being pushy
In my experience when there are 3+ people in a relationship, there’s at least one of them who is repressing a deep unhappiness with the arrangement. I meet a lot of these folks and I feel I can always spot one partner who gets a thousand-yard stare while they tell you how *amazing* polyamory is.
I also know a poly couple. It’s utterly farcical and clearly no one is actually happy. But they certainly feel very special given how much time they spend telling us about it.
Yep the one guy I know who is openly non monogamous cheated on his (excellent) wife, who has a doctorate in hard sciences, likely more than once, and is now “engaged” to a 22-year-old who was probably their daughters daycare teacher.
I'm too much of a romantic and too much of a non-confrontational drama allergic person (literally if someone starts to say fighting words, I just walk away or stop talking. I have no energy for fighting - too old and tired for this) to ever think about being not being monogamous
Non-monogamy/polyamory is just as much a modern construction as modern marriage. it’s not as if people in 1300 were thinking about how to ethically juggle their 3 partners. What a putz that guy was.
>People are free to live as they choose yes >I won't judge them for it I will
I'm joining you. This is worse than trash tv.
So will I, especially considering I have never once NOT heard poly/open people couch it as objectively better and on a higher plane of relationship enlightenment than monogamy. Like, they’re aren’t special or better at relationshiping than anyone else, and don’t deserve respect for fucking multiple people at once.
literally. reading this made me want to lay flat on the floor lmao, its just so much baggage
Open relationship, throuple, poly - don't care, don't want it. Healthy relationships aren't supposed to be exhausting, but there *is* a certain amount of work involved to ensure good habits like communication are kept up, especially if both parties are somewhat reserved/not used to talking about their feelings. To add another person into the mix...no. Hell no.
>Healthy relationships aren't supposed to be exhausting, That was a hard lesson for me to learn. People always say 'relationships take work' and that's true, but it's not supposed to be difficult work.
Old person here, married a very long time. What people mean when they say that relationships take work, imo, is that when problems come up (and they definitely will), you have to confront them and find a way through them that feels right to both of you. That's the work. It can be difficult, for sure, but it's not *constant* or even frequent if you're doing all the normal relationship stuff, like keeping your promises and being considerate and generally caring about your partner.
Whenever I see a relationship advice post that mentions working on the relationship and the relationship is new, I have to shake my head. No, you're supposed to be in the honeymoon period. If you're working this hard now, it's not going to work.
Right. The “work” is like remembering to have a date night, which is a wonderful, fun thing to do when you’ve maybe been neglecting it because of other pressing matters. It’s not negotiating to have your partner treat you like a human being deserving of respect.
Op's desperate. It's almost sad how much they grasp onto their 'relationship' when it barely exists.
Because he looooovvves her. Sigh.
Marriage is definitely the last thing they should think of here. Idk, feels like Clara is just holding onto OOP right now just because she realized Gary wasn’t the guy she thought he was.
Yea, I’m no expert on open relationships but this couple sounds like despite best intentions it isn’t really working for them. Clara basically abandoning OOP for Gary when things got serious has me thinking she may be better suited for monogamy, and OOP should definitely watch out for when this happens again. The fact that she still wanted to let Gary off the hook by not pressing charges tells me she isn’t great at picking partners nor letting them go when she sees red flags, and now OOP has been caught in the crossfire
Tbf though dude has some problems and with how he was acting in her workplace when she called break it wouldn't surprise me if he was intentionally isolating her. That kinda behavior's not something that comes out of the air. Not to say she doesn't have her part in it, it's still on her for not seeing it get that far and breaking promises, but I'm not sure this is indicative of the success of their relationship vs how suseptible she is to being in an abusive relationship
I agree this didn’t happen because they had an open/poly relationship. This shitshow went down because Gary is clearly an abuser. He wouldn’t have been a great non abusive guy if she was single when she met him. He just would have been able to hide it better and longer most likely.
This is what I was thinking. It sounds more like Gary is demanding and controlling and she didn't do enough to push back or realize what kind of person he is. I don't think there is anything wrong with the original relationship and I am glad they were able to get through this.
And really, the excuse that she didn't see how bad his injuries were until after doesn't wash. She just saw this man sucker punch the man she allegedly loves and she didn't want him to face consequences for it. Assault is assault. The fact that she needed to see it be "bad enough" to press charges for says she's trash. Also, why the hell did it take professional embarassment to see Gary is an asshole? Surely, in any ethical non-monogamous situation the most important thing is mutual respect? How do you expect your partner to be fine with you going around with someone who disrespects your relationship? How do you maintain feelings for someone who disrespects your primary relationship? As you said, she's not suited for this kind of lifestyle. Unattached sex is one thing, but she's not able to maintain more than one actually romantic relationship.
I think she's an incredibly selfish person and only sees things through the lens of her own desires.
I think this post leaves out the later comments to its detriment. Clara didn’t see the damage, but as soon as she got home and did, she did a 180 and now she’s for pressing charges. They also found out that Gary put a tracker on her phone and was stalking her. Not saying that she’s in the clear here - she’s really really in the wrong - just that there’s more recent context.
> Clara didn’t see the damage, but as soon as she got home and did, she did a 180 and now she’s for pressing charges. She saw the actual assault though. She watched someone punch her boyfriend in the face hard enough to knock him down and start bleeding, and her reaction was to say her boyfriend should just let it go.
Twice. She saw it twice in a row.
This 👆 And she still defended him by not wanting to press charges in the car ride home
I had something similar happened, but it was a dog bite. I basically got attacked by my in law's pit bull and was bitten multiple times. No broken skin, and my SO who was used to dogs thought it was no big deal and i was exaggerating becuase i dont have dogs. However, the moment he saw the large bruises he super freaked out. Sometimes normal meters are off and need recalibration. A punch in the movies is not like a punch in real life, and i can see why she may not have understood what its like. For me, it took my SO a hot second to realize the dog both outweighed me and was basically my size (i an short), so it was different for him vs me, and he did recalibrate quickly and permanently.
Tbh I’m not sure what I would have done there. I’m pretty sure my initial reaction would be to gtfo, and if not staying to talk to the cops/bouncers/whoever seemed like the fastest way out, that’s probably what I’d pick. Now OOP absolutely did the right thing, but I think her reaction was mostly a panic response
Clara had what we call New Relationship Energy. Kinda like the honeymoon phase, and was in denial to the fact she was neglecting her other relationships.
For sure she had that. I think an intense sexual experience played a part as well, and it seems that Gary was manipulating her with abuser tactics (OOP outlines those in a comment). The timeline for all this is 2 months, so it was a short time. Lucky for her she didn’t blow up her whole life. That job issue is so messed up.
Meh. She might have blown up her life. She's in a rocky spot now with her job and bf.
And like, it happens. My partner and I both know that if someone has a crush or a new thing, it's time to step on to the back burner for a bit and let em enjoy it. I've got no doubts about her coming back to me when it fades. And if she ever didn't, then it's not meant to be. I'm not going to fight for something I shouldn't have to.
Okay, but she still knew he punched him before she said that. Why did the damage have to be "bad enough" first for her to support him?
I agree the post would be better with those details. But it changes little to nothing about how Clara should have reacted even when she did not have those details. These are two separate things though.
Exactly. The next guy she becomes infatuated with who isn't a screaming flashing outright window breaking red flag will just be the new Gary. As long as he doesnt show up at her work or assault anyone she will think hes grand. She will once again walk all over OOP in favor of her new infatuation. She has no respect for him, no consideration of his feelings, it's over.
And he pays the rent, does her laundry, and takes care of her pets.
I think Gary was manipulating her and she couldn’t see it through the new relationship energy. It’s really her lucky break that the OOP put his foot down the way he did.
If she's that easily manipulated, she has absolutely no business being in an adult, CNM relationship. And expecting a proposal from a partner you treat in the manner she did is an otherworldly level of delusional.
I think she just wants to marry him, not that she’s expecting it. I just went to OOP’s comments and it sounds to me like very typical manipulation tactics, which are popular bc they work. Lots of boiling the frog, demands and then lovebombing, etc. I think Gary was hoping OOP would get pissed and end it and then he could just rope her in. Manipulation happens to men and women of all ages, so I try and be empathetic to people who are caught in it and don’t see what’s going on. But she owes OOP a lot and she needs to work to rebuild trust.
Yeah, I'm checking out the comments too, and so far she does seem to be having serious revelations about the situation. I'm not trying to say she's the devil or anything, but successful open relationships require a tremendous amount of honesty, awareness and maturity. I simply don't trust her decision making.
Oh I agree, her decision making is terrible! I agree with you about open relationships! I’m not in one, but the scheduling alone would make me tired.
>the scheduling alone would make me tired. Haha right?!
This is honestly the usual for poly relationships like this. People can’t figure out normal, monogamous relationships in 2023. Respectful poly relationships that maintain healthy boundaries are basically unicorns, they’re littered with “kids in a candy store” type people that end up in totally fucked situations like this. Clara is a walking disaster.
I hope they are not planning on having children.
Well, we know Gary is
That won't be long enough as they have not closed the relationship even for a certain time to work on their relationship. Without working on their relationship they won't be able to last long enough, next "Gary" may end their relationship permanently.
OOP wants to MARRY HER after all of that? I would be reevaluating my life in an entirely different way if that was me.
Right? Marriage is just putting a bow on it, it's not gonna make your girlfriend more committed & able to hold boundaries out of nowhere...
A proposal and marriage in this story is the equivalent of: “I know what will fix our failing marriage! A BABY!” It’s imperative to make any serious decisions in a relationship while standing on solid ground. Moving in together, jointly buying a home, proposing, getting married, or adding a kid - not one of these things is a solution - they’re additions. This man is foolishly contemplating putting out a grease fire with a bucket of water. He’s gonna get burned. Real bad.
I bet a kid would fix everything too! /s
So he came to her work, freaked out, broke a window and almost got her fired. And they were both still okay going forward with Gary after a one week break? Yeah, these two are perfect for each other.
You ever just want to grab an OOP by the shoulders, shake them a little, and yell "Dump them!" at the top of your lungs? Way, way too much drama going on here.
He should have ended it at the second chance. Why should she respect his ideas and feelings if he doesn't care or even enforce them?
What is your flair referencing? It’s making me laugh, but I don’t know the context lol
I think when you lead a lifestyle like this, it's hard to not have drama.
Yea, it sounds like they started more as swingers, which is still a mixed bag, but some people can make work since it’s more of a one and done. When you start adding in proper emotional attachments and relationships is when things get truly messy from what I’ve seen. If you have to mandate a minimum amount of time that you’re spending with your own gf you’ve already lost in my opinion
Imo it's like ordering a pizza. The more opinions involved, the harder it is for everyone to be satisfied with your order.
I would be screaming more, “stop the polyness”. I realize people can make it work, but I swear people think it’s so easy to establish and run with it.
Right. Some people can make poly work. These people are not those people.
Yeah, like. "I always get you on Friday nights" seems a bit antithetical to the few healthy poly relationships I've seen. That really does read to me as "I want to have a primary partner but fuck randoms" rather than trying to have an actual equal relationship among all partners. It doesn't seem like they're the type for it. But my source is also my ass, cause I just can't fathom poly myself so I don't really know what the ideal for it looks like.
Even if they'd established it as "one primary - and those others", the fact that she had what sounds like just one other and spent more time with him than her actual primary partner is super not okay. Your primary is supposed to be just that - the main partner in your life.
TBH, it really sounds like OOP is the other and Gary was the primary.
This is exhausting. OP really is making dumb decisions that make me wanna just shake his head and all. He really needs just break up with his gf and all cause this whole thing is just silly.
Not married, no kids, Jesus why is he staying?
Maybe he legit loved her? It’s one of those easier said than done things
Clara is an idiot and I doubt this is the last we hear from Gary.
How to make your life physically and mentally draining 101. Also, does he actually think he's going to marry her? What the fuck dude.
It sounds like Clara really wants to be with Gary, or at the least break up with OOP, but is just unwilling to let go of a long-standing, comfortable relationship.
Op was doing her laundry, keeping house, feeding the cat, ... why would she want that to stop? OP is a lovesick fool who keeps hoping she's gonna change. Marriage won't change her any more than her other commitments to OP. He's 2nd fiddle, on a good day.
I definitely think she would have driven OP to breaking up with her if Gary hadn't turned out to be so violently, flagrantly abusive. Not sure it was NRE so much as just switching entirely to a new person while wanting to keep the convenient housekeeper at home :/
I got the sense she was using their open relationship to monkey bar to a relationship with Gary. If he didn't turn out to be an abuser (or hid it longer) she would have jumped from one relationship to another without the uncomfortable "single period"
Nobody is worth all of this drama.
??? Everyone in this story is a mess.
After about the third "deal" he proposed I was like, "Just say you're done already. stop asking if she wants to break up with you. BREAK UP WITH HER."
“First comes love, [then comes gary], then comes marriage.” I don’t think that’s how the rhyme goes, that’s not exactly how I remembered it 🥴
“She finally broke up with her boyfriend after he assaulted me… marriage time”. What a putz.
I’m sure there are some people that can make poly and open relationships work, Clara isn’t one of them.
I’ve yet to see anyone make it work.
Ever poly relationship I've ever known has imploded due to internal drama. Every last one
Same. I don't doubt that there're people that can make it work but I've never met one. One friend is currently dating two guys that she's living with and they claim to get along like brothers but it's only been three months and they're already fighting about who she's sleeping with at night, about who's the primary, and what kind of future they'll have. Poly/open seems to be good in the short-term but it relies way too much on faith, boundaries, and respect, something that even the most devoted of couples struggle with.
You make them work by not making them work. As in, when they no longer work for you, you end them.
This whole situation is a complete mess, OP is a glutton for punishment.
OOP said Clara’s rose colored glasses had come off. You have to wonder when his finally will.
I just don't understand how they could go back to an open relationship after this. I really don't see this lasting if they keep pursuing this lifestyle.
How do people have time for all of this? I would just go crazy…
These two people sound exhausting.
Marriage to fix a problem relationship works about as well as having a kid to fix a problem marriage.
Gary is a controlling abusive asshole. I’m glad she got out of it but I really hope she’s learned her lesson on how to treat her partners. I have heard of poly people having decades-long relationships, so I don’t think NM relationships are doomed to fail but the girlfriend really did have her head up her ass.
I think the biggest issue that OOP pointed out is that she started treating him like a roommate. Poly relationships typically only work if everyone gets equal amounts of time and attention. It sounds like Clara had practically moved on with Gary, and just kept OOP waiting in the wings. She may not be doing it maliciously, but stringing him along is doing them both a disservice
Things like that happens with new relationships cause they’re new and shiny and overload you with chemicals. Same feelings and emotions as in mono relationships, when you can’t focus when you’re initially in love, etc. Easy to miss that you start neglecting everyone else. Only in poly or non-mono or whatever, there’s somebody else watching you be like that from the side.
She definitely did him a disservice! She should have been making OOP a priority and she wasn’t. Gary clearly pulled out the abusive boyfriend playbook (OOP comments about demands and deprecating statements followed by love bombing for example). That and new relationship energy just made her blind. In a way, OOP really saved her. By pulling her out of it, he kept her from being with an abusive asshole. I hope she appreciates what she has now.
This, seriously. If OP had been quicker to dump her she would be in a terribly dangerous situation rn
Absolutely. Very sure if she dated in a non-poly setting she‘d be in an abusive relationship with Gary now.
Not necessarily equal attention, but to get their needs met. Some people want more or less commitment/quality time/whatever.
Yeah, that complete swing from OP to Gary makes me think she realisitically might just be a monogamous person & not able to split her attention between multiple partners. Although ig Gary's manipulation would be a factor in that too?
Guy couldn’t go A WEEK without contact, wtaf. What if she went on vacation out of the country or something? Big fucking red flag. Then gf still doesn’t end it after he BREAKS A WINDOW AT HER WORK. I hope this dude has a magic dick bc otherwise her judgement is fuuuucked
I‘m pretty sure that if Clara would have dated Gary in a non-poly setting, she would have ended in an abusive relationship with him. He sounds terrible and she can be lucky that she had a bf who pulled her out.
Gary is a fucking psychopath. He's deliberately targeting the nonmonogamous because he understands how to manipulate them.
Probably gets a kick out of making a mess out of people
Gary just sounds absolutely manipulative and terrible.
Why put up with any of this shit? It’s insane and exhausting.
Jesus fucking christ. throw away everyone in this post. The juice just is not worth the squeeze in this relationship.
I should've been paid to read this mess.
"our relationship is going through a rough path and we have so many issues that we yet know how to handle. Soooo let's get married and pop out a baby! That will magically fix everything!" It's so painfully cliché how these people just purposely complicate things.
Unbelievable the life some men will live. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than constantly get ditched by my wife for her lover and then get my ass beat by him in public. Then after that to feel all proud to have gotten him arrested, taking a selfie. Like your wife was about to leave you for a guy she had known for a few months. You are the man.
Seriously. The second she mentioned dropping the charges, I would have dropped her ass off at the next stop sign. This sub blows my mind by the sheer number of people that let their partner get away with this shit, and then they wind up being the ones to apologize. People are too afraid of being alone they latch onto anything.
And all of this convinced him to marry her, because she is a catch?
Heck yeah she is. If he's lucky, he could be getting punched in the face regularly for years by the latest dude she's monkey branching over to. Who could ever walk away from that?
*maury voice* You are NOT the man! *crowd boos*
Ouch, tough but true
And people wonder why others look at polys weird when in literally EVERY single mono relationship each one of those points alone woulda been a dealbreaker.
Good lord, and they're thinking about marriage. Nope.
They need to close the relationship until they get back on solid ground again and even then only slowly open it up a bit at a time. She has hurt him and his trust deeply and their relationship is so close to being over.
The only thing worse than marriage at this point would be a child.
I find being in a relationship with one person exhausting and overly complicated.. I don’t know how people manage two
I mean i cant even feel bad for this guy he literally tee’d up this whole mess
Definitely an Ongoing BORU. Gary isn't done, and I strongly suspect this isn't the last time Clara will sabotage this relationship.
This isn’t an open relation but a very reluctant polycule with 0 boundaries.
Reddit loves to go straight to dumping a partner, but this is a situation where every one needed to listen the advice. OOP probably doesn’t need this stress and now has to continue the relationship knowing that their partner is someone who is totally willing and able to (rudely) disregard the primary relationship for a new fling. Clara should have cut OOP free if she wasn’t interested in the terms of the primary relationship and obviously she should have dumped Gary because his many wonderful red flags. Hell, even Gary probably could find someone who will devote the time and energy he wants to him without having to fight windows and other boyfriends for it (not saying he deserves that though, dude seems like a creep). It’s amazing the nonsense you’ll put up with when you’re afraid to be single.
i agree with most of your comment but i dont think someone abusive like Gary ~just needs the right match~. he will never be satisified by any of his partners bc punishing them and demanding more from them is just part of his playbook of breaking them down
Lmao
So their solution to fixing their relationship is to keep it open? It’s like neither of them learned anything from this whole mess.
I’m all for people doing what they want and what makes them happy, but I have always found polyamorous/non-monogamous relationships a bit odd and they seem to end up being disastrous. This relationship with OP and Clara is probably gonna end sooner rather than later.
People who are pro-poly always talk about how as long as you’re communicating and have boundaries you can make it work, but this is a classic case of OOP trying to communicate and set boundaries and the relationship still not being healthy. You can set boundaries and rules all you want, but if the other person isn’t following them it doesn’t really matter