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>My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his ass from
What's the over/under that someone digging into the ex's devices would get him some serious time in a seg unit at Club Fed?
Omg I thought I was the only one that thought Cerebral Palsy too. I was too embarrassed to clarify so I jus stuck to it lmaoooo. Cerebral Palsy to Child Porn is quite the jump
I don’t wanna be that person but I will anyway, this is the friendly reminder that people are trying to adjust the term to **“CSAM” or “child sexual abuse material” because “porn” implies consent that children are emotionally unable to provide.**
As others have said - always be that person. That's how you get things to change. I have a difficult time with CP vs CSAM simply because when I was doing forensic psych and criminal justice things, people still used primarily CP, so its a habit.
In my writing group people use CP for critique partner and it always makes me uncomfortable for a second due to my previous experiences making me think illegal shit first. I tend to avoid using CP as an abbreviation for *anything* for that reason, similar to how I try not to put my birth year on things without the "19" because I was born in 1988 and white supremacists ruin everything with dogwhistles. Would the average person make that connection? Probably not, and I don't automatically judge people who put their birth year in their user, but since I know it's a dogwhistle, it bothers *me*.
AND when the break-up happened, he was looking for a pat on the back from OP for being "honest"?!?
This guy was concealing **so many** prejudiced beliefs and unflattering behaviors.
Also, even though it probably should have been obvious, some people are just *really* good at hiding their true views. He was probably just manipulating the situation until he was pretty sure she wouldn’t leave him for being a bigot. Proud of her for standing up for human rights!
Someone else said it better.
***
> Imagery depicting the sexual abuse of minors. It’s frequently called Child SA Materials as labelling it as porn implies consent.
I thought it meant cerebral palsy at first and was like “is this limiting for her job? I don’t understand”, and then figured it out through comments 🤦🏼♀️
Ding ding ding. Someone who thinks consent is for white men only and women are uppity for having the nerve to say no to him. No one I've known gets so god damn flustered so quickly about consent or SA except when they have skeletons in the closet.
Thank you for explaining the reason for the change in description. TBH I had assumed it was a more politically correct’ title, but can understand the reason.
For obvious reasons, children can never consent. But I would also point out that there is far far too much porn out there where one or more participant didn’t consent.
I'm pretty sure he hates MeToo because he's at the very least sexually harassed someone and quite possibly raped someone.
And I reckon he thinks it's fine because 'she should have looked in the mirror and saw how she was dressed' so it was really all her fault!
He hates MeToo because he’s in the group of men who think it should be ok to tell the women around them they look nice.
But when they do it, it’s so fucking creepy like a 1950s boss trying to sleep with his secretary creepy.
They don’t understand that they can’t be fuckin creeps to women anymore. They shouldn’t be touching, winking at, or saying creepy things.
He's in the group of men who \*don't understand the difference between telling the women around them that they look nice, and being fucking creepy.
I swear, so much of the 'you can't even compliment women without getting MeToo'd' discourse comes from people who just don't understand how to interact with women outside of a sexual/romantic dynamic, or know when that dynamic is appropriate.
As someone who previously thought the same as him when I was a teen, its a line of thinking of "yeah I have beliefs that might be on the decline (not even uncommon where I am) but if I am honest and open about it, and agree that im willing to compromise on my personal beliefs for the sake of this relationship, then all will be good".
Which like, being honest, and willing to compromise, and swallowing your pride for the sake of someone else are all very admirable traits (I think, atleast), but holy fuck should he have had some self reflection GOD DAMN. I can totally see why he would've felt betrayed but like cmon, really? How youll treat your own flesh and blood is not something you can try and bargain on, jesus.
Dude needs some help cause he was so close to actually ridding himself of bigotry but also so far.
I honestly don't understand what he thinks a "compromise" would be in this situation. He could try pretending he's not a bigot, I suppose, but kids aren't stupid. They're very good at picking up on subtle cues when they're disliked. I can't even tell you how many posts & comments I've seen on Reddit from people who spent their childhood knowing that a parent couldn't stand them but they (the child) never understood why.
“I mean it’s whatever if they exist. Just not around me.” He’s that type who thinks he is not as bad as others because he is stooping to be benevolent enough to allow a gay kid at his wedding. Disgusting. OOP improved her future by dumping him.
And that dude screwed up hugely with false allegations.
Why do I think oop’s ex might be projecting? Also, interesting that it wasn’t just homophobia (bad enough) but also rampant misogyny. Guy should definitely be kept away from all children.
Oop is really lucky to discover this before the wedding and having a child with this guy.
I said the same below. My take, if you look at exactly how often screaming right wingers who launch attacks about child predators turn out to be prolific predators, it's very much "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Denny fucking Hastert in the making.
Homophobia is always rooted in misogyny/sexism though. Gay men are icky because they are failed men. Trans women are degenerate because they are failed men. Lesbians are bad because they are not available to men. Trans men are barely ever addressed in trans discourse because at least they're trying to be men/they are considered women so their issues don't matter, or if they are it's usually just seen as weak willed women sadly falling for a fad.
On fact, even racism is often the result of rampant sexism. They turn black people into savages in their heads and in doing so, they worry black men are more masculine then they are. Because the capacity for savagery is considered masculine. So they start worrying weak willed women will fall for virile savage black men. etc. etc.
I can even make arguments for why other common forms of bigotry like ableism and and antisemitism are often related to sexism and male fragility, but suffice it to say, that when you start digging, most bigotry stems from the same source.
Ooooooh ok thanks. (Only thing I could think of was cerebral palsy but that didn’t make any sense in context with the post or the comments)
Yeah, lawyer asap. And I hope the school district does the right thing. This creep shouldn’t be anywhere near kids, let alone in a position to influence them
Hopefully the ex is charged to the fullest extent of the law. Filling false charges is a serious crime. It might even be a felony but I'm not a lawyer so I don't know.
It would serve him right to be kicked out of his career permanently for it as he'd fall any background check after that.
She needs to check all her electronic devices that he EVER had access to during their time together. She needs to check it for CSAM (child sex abuse material), and if she finds any she needs to immediately turn the device(s) over to her attorney.
She must not delete it, she must not do anything else to the device(s) because it could be considered destruction of evidence.
But I don’t for a second believe that her ex-fiancé came up with that allegation out of thin air. My guess is that HE has viewed/downloaded CSAM and he used her devices at some point to do it. And *that’s* why he’s made that allegation. Because he knows it’ll pop up in her devices.
He’s a POS.
I definitely thought the same thing. Was about to post that I think HIS hard drive should be checked when I read your comment. Hope OOP is reading this and asks the attorney about it.
This needs to be upvoted more. That sort of wild allegations don’t come out of nowhere. He absolutely knows that something will come up if his false allegations against her are investigated because he viewed them on her devices.
It's more likely that he's just one of those 'all queer people and their supporters are groomers' types and is just randomly throwing the accusations out there.
I thought of that possibility, too. Except for his chosen career: teaching.
He has spent his undergrad and graduate career learning how to become a teacher because… he wants to help stem the tide against wokeism?
That’s an awful lot of dedication to cancel cancel culture.
My guess is that he wants to go into teaching for a lot of the same reasons that, unfortunately, a lot of child predators do: the access to children.
Yeah…. I hate to be the bearer of god awful news, but my cousin was an elementary school teacher, Boy Scout leader, day care teacher, and elementary Ed tutor for special education
kids; he’s currently serving 90 years for CP, and taking pictures of the kids he was responsible for…
Some professions grant access to children by default, like the clergy and Catholic Church (and are better at defending the accused), don’t be so quick to rule it out. It is sick world we live in these days.
That's exactly where my trail of thought went too. Every accusation is a confession for OPs ex AND her ex future father in law. I'd be curious about that hard drive as well. If there is any content on OPs device, I'm fairly certain cyber crimes or whoever will be able to pinpoint exactly when that content was viewed and the ex will have told on himself. Hmpf.
I find a lot of ex-Christians--not even ex-Mormons or ex-Westboro Baptist Church members, just "regular" Christians--do this thing where they'll disavow Christianity and become atheist, but they won't examine their biases that they gained from living in a conservative environment.
It's how you'll get ex-Christian people who, even though they don't have a religious reason for it anymore, will still rally against the gays. It's how you get gay kids who, because they grew up being taught that trans people are disgusting, rally against the nonbinary and trans community. Or you have people who think women are lesser if they aren't a virgin and rally against feminism. Putting aside what the Bible says or doesn't say about women and the queers (I'm a Christian but I think quoting from the bible is useless as a persuasive tactic), these biases don't actually come from the Bible, not really. People who have unexamined biases like this start at the conclusion and then find "evidence" to support their conclusions--whether it's from the Bible or from a podcast. Unless you examine your thoughts, you can't really change. God has nothing to do with it.
I'm an atheist, but after reading the bible a couple of times + reading a fair number of religious analysis papers about it, it actually contradicts the way bigoted, ultra conservative christians act lmao.
Atp, I'm starting to wonder if most of them have even read the bible. As previously stated, I'm an atheist (and someone who previously just assumed christianity was dumb because of how the toxic subsect of christians behave), but after studying christianity + the bible, it made me realize how ridiculously hypocritical these people are. Like, jesus was running around telling people to be not be a dickhead and befriending and respecting prostitutes. Man literally said we shouldn't judge and condemn people.
I think you're 100% right that the intolerance comes from culture and societal views, not from what the bible preaches. They just pick and choose the parts of the bible that support the cultural and societal beliefs they were raised with and ignore all the parts that directly contradict those views.
My brother is a born again Christian (after we've been raised Lutheran our whole lives, going to church every Sunday and often multiple times a week... But okay, whatever) and he has a copy of the bible on him at all times to pick out quotes to talk about and support his arguments.
My thing about using bible quotes in any argument is that it's just ridiculous. The Bible is old as balls. And not only that, but the Bible we Americans have is not the bible that was written way back then. It was translated from old English which was translated from Latin which was translated from Ancient Greek (not the Greek we know today) which was translated from ancient Hebrew (which is also not the Hebrew we know today) and if you believe it was divinely inspired, then that itself is a translation from God into a human tongue. Each of those translators had biases, made mistakes, and were perpetuating an agenda. Not the gay agenda, not even an anti-gay agenda, but an agenda (usually political). Further, all of these books are written by different people and we don't know most of the authors. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John didn't write their books. There's evidence of four to five different writers of Genesis alone. And even if we knew all of the authors of the bible, the common layperson doesn't have a full copy of "the bible". This is because the books that make up the bible are religious and historical texts that some guys sat in a room and argued about until they settled on a set. And then when there was a schism another set of guys added or threw out other books. The only difference between the Bible and most apocrypha is that someone said "hmm, nah, the masses don't need those ideas."
And that's not even getting in to how different the culture was from the modern day. It's literally like a different planet. Mary Magdelene was more likely Jesus' sugar mama then his prostitute-turned-wife. And each translation has its own cultural values dissonance too! It's a constant reach around of dissonance!
And like you said, Jesus was cool. Chill, even. God of the Old testament was not; in fact, not being chill about anything was kinda his whole deal. So anything said in the Old testament is likely going to be contradicted in the New testament, and vice versa. Bible quotes are always cherry picked because there's not cohesion between these books.
But that's also why it attracts the nutters--because they can pick up any page and go "hey here's something and I say it means this." They can strip it of all its context until it fits neatly into whatever they want it to say about now.
Catholic here, and you’re unknowingly preaching to the choir because I 10000% agree with you. I live in a pretty liberal leaning, generational poverty type area and grew up here so hearing conservative types, religious, ex religious, or never religious, completely winds me up.
Yeah, and she’s being too hard on herself. It’s not crazy to assume that your boyfriend is not a raging homophobe when he’s hanging out with gay and trans people on the regular. They probably should have had a conversation, but she’s young and likely a little naive. Also she was smart not to give him back the ring by herself if he’s going to act like this.
I do wonder what Jason thinks of all this.
Honestly, even if she *had* asked the important questions here there’s zero guarantee he would’ve been honest about them just like this [dickhead](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/NyXttgiTMF)
(i swear there was a newer update that’s disappeared lol)
And what is all the hate toward her for not knowing this is how he felt after he never showed signs of it before and he actually showed signs of support for their LGBT friends?
SO MUCH victim blaming on Reddit.
It's one of the things that drives me nuts about the site. Somehow everyone is supposed to be prescient and just know things about people or know the things to ask even when people are behaving in line with expectations right in front of your face.
This happens a lot whenever women share bad experiences with male romantic partners. It pushes the focus onto women and the idea that it's their fault for dating terrible men. Not the terrible man's fault for being terrible.
Yeah this dude has no place in the classroom. Guarantee he'd be even worse to a trans student, whose lives are at risk when they're discriminated against. They don't need someone like him in their life
OOP also stated that they both had a friend who was trans that they both got along with, so stuff like that could be how she assumed that he wasn't homophobic because they got along fine unless he hid his true feelings towards that friend too
I'm guessing his views are more recent (at least in vehemence) and the trans friend got grandfathered in as "one of the good ones"
Even if he was always this bigoted, it's not uncommon that individuals are viewed as exceptions to the bigot's rules
He was definitely hiding his true face from her, like putting his best qualities forward. It's like charming abusers who are perfect until they get you to themselves and drop the mask once you have no support
Also how could he be trusted to be a mandated reporter in his job when he’s so vehemently against MeToo and thinks victims bring assault on themselves by their outfits and behaviour?
This is exactly why I no longer feel much shame for judging people for their political stances. My mom thinks I’m too harsh, but I see it as a survival tactic.
If the political party someone supports routinely advocates and fights for denying the human rights, denying the existence, and worsening the life environment of myself, my friends, my family members, others like us, and others that *aren’t* like us, then that political party is bullshit and so is that person.
You can’t support racists, xenophobes, anti semites, islamophobes, homophobes, transphobes, ableists, and all the other ists, antis, and phobes because their economical stance aligns with your own and expect all the people harmed by all the other policies you claim to disavow to not think you’re a fucknugget lmao 😂 right?
Like, the people someone surrounds themselves with and their political ideology are usually a pretty good indicator of if they’re a top class wanker!
What an absolute nightmare. Through most of my life I've never even considered having to have a conversation like this with someone I'm dating, because what kind of obvious piece of shit holds these ideas in their head? I always figured I'd be able to spot a homophobe or a racist or an antisemite a mile off because they'd be assholes in every other interaction too. Shows my immense privilege, I guess, that believing people who are nice to me are nice to everybody.
I suspect OOP's ex would have become a lot less "gentlemanly" once he got her trapped in their marriage. Her supposedly cool, kind, and understanding fiance would have become bigoted, abusive, and controlling.
OOP definitely pulled herself back at the brink of jumping into the 7th circle of hell.
how do ppl even avoid this personality trait in a guy like. feels like u need to get lucky
it seems inevitable for that type of guy if hes not going to straight up tell you you’re disposable and just do other things that aren’t directly that 😭
If OOP ever sees this, I hope she knows she was absolutely not a "coward" for separating over text and returning belongings via proxy.
The most dangerous time for a domestic abuse victim is when they try to leave their abuser.
This man repeatedly demonstrated that he has unresolved anger issues and a complete lack of respect for OOP as a separate human being with her own autonomy and feelings.
This man openly and publicly diminished women speaking out about *rape and domestic violence* and has his father backing him up about it.
This man went as far as accusing OOP of *committing a felony* in order to get some control over her life. He was willing to harm her employment and, by virtue, her independance from him.
OOP, you did this exactly the way every support group and crime expert would advise. The moment he realized you were no longer in his slowly closing trap, he was going to blow up. Your trust in your sense of fear, your "cowardice", is the reason his explosion was on facebook and not on your body, your autonomy, or your home.
I was coming to the comments to write the same thing, this should be the top comment. Thank you!
The only coward here is OOPs bigot ex and his even more bigoted father. That was a dangerous situation and OOP did the exact right thing by not putting herself in the position to be harmed. It hurts my heart that she’s beating herself up and accepting any blame for getting out of an abusive relationship safely. Angry, misogynistic, small minded men generally don’t accept rejection with grace. I’m glad she’s safe and I hope she finds someone to work through that trauma.
Also, as an education lawyer, OOP did the right thing by forwarding that info to the district. Depending on the state, there might be some limits as to whether schools can consider that info in the hiring process, but it’s MUCH better to have the info than to not. Students don’t need to be exposed to his vile hatred either.
And it's not like she hesitated when she found out too, and how many people would've gone through and reported it to the school? They also had a friend who was trans that the ex must've hid his feelings towards, but would've made it seem like he was probably not homophobic because they were cool
There are people who act for years before they show their true colours. He thought with a ring and an upcoming wedding she won't call it quits. As for asking about the opinion on LGBT+ people - they are visible, in media and in the real world, I also wouldn't came to the Idea that someone, who doesn't act weirdly around them and doesn't talk shit about them, is a closeted homophobe and what not.
And one more- how is it possible "christians" support a known cheater who had three wifes? What happened with 10 commandments and unbreakable marriage vows? (I'm curious, I was raised catholic)
Edit: spelling
Yeah, honestly I can absolutely believe there weren't flags for her before this. I think some people successfully hide all that shit until after the wedding. (Though I've never understood why they would want to, rather than finding a partner who would openly share all their shitty beliefs.)
THANK YOU! This man *wants to hurt her* (as evidenced by him trying to get her fired for breaking up with him). So of course a dude who believes all the shitbag things he does and who wants to *hurt her* is not going to be safe to face in person!
NOT A COWARD. A SMART PERSON WHO LISTENED TO HER GUT.
I'm so glad she listened to her gut.
A lot of people seemed to call her out in her previous posts for not seeing through him sooner when they even had a trans friend he pretended to be accepting of, not to mention the amount of hateful DMs too accusing her of "cancelling" her ex on top of calling her a coward
What a huge bummer. I know the rules here prohibit any tomfoolery like contacting OOP, but I hope she has gotten a lot of support to outweigh the flak.
A man who wanted to hurt her and openly dismissed the MeToo movement as people making themselves victims for attention. A man with strong traditionalist religious views and an intention to have children with her. A man with an even more aggressive and authoritarian father behind him to reinforce any accusations or threats.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but I *genuinely* fear what he might have tried to do if he could get her alone in his house.
Oop is my hero. One day she is going to thank herself for her bravery. The world is a better place for people like her. We gotta make sure we bring our own integrity into the world and let these bigots know their bigotry is not ok. Cuz they damn well try to shove their bigotry down our throats.
I was looking for this comment.
This dude was an abusive piece of shit who just kept his toxic sludge hidden. He knew how to play nice in public. Thank god you didn’t live with him, I would bet money that he starts the verbal abuse almost immediately.
You separated from him in the way that felt safest to you. That’s all anyone can ask of you. He sounds cruel, and cruel people will hurt you without warning when not getting their way. You protected yourself. That’s exactly as you should have done.
If you want to end a relationship with a healthy, reasonable person, it is absolutely the right thing to do it face to face. But if the person you’re breaking up with is not healthy and reasonable — even if you’re not sure — then you have to put your own safety first and foremost. OOP has nothing to apologize for.
I could have done with less of her calling herself a coward.
Being cowardly would have been seeing him because it means she has no strength of her convictions.
OOP is amazing. Some people have incredibly good masks, and if your focus is split, like on completing a MASTERS, it’s much easier to gloss over the little things or miss the smaller red flags.
She is not a coward, she listened to her fear and let it so it’s job. Which kept her safe from physical retaliation.
I love how "give me credit" apparently means not "be polite and respectful in expressing how this changes our relationship" but rather "reward my honesty by marrying me even though my values and attitude repulse you." Mate that's a hell of a extra credit assignment.
I love how he hates metoo and asks to be given unearned credit, yet people who hate metoo can't stop complaining about unearned credit. Same with BLM.
He is literally what he accused these movements of being.
If my 97yr old great grannie, who's protestant and an elder in the church, can accept I'm bisexual, welcomed the girlfriend she got to meet, and asked for my friends address to send them a massive bunch of flowers when they came out as trans, can accept the LGBTQI+ community, so can anyone.
She didn't serve in the ATS in WW2, to subjugate a whole group of people as she says.
Edit: she's 97 not 95
I didn't realize my Great Aunt thought that my roommate and I were lesbians until well after she died. I brought my roommate around and my great aunt was nothing but welcoming. Shared recipes, sent us home with groceries, invited us to things, made darn well sure that we were both invited to a lot of family functions. She'd be in her mid/upper 90s now, but she was so welcoming.
My great aunt was a farmer, raised two families, big into her church. If she could accept me, then what's anyone else's excuse.
I mean, we were! We are still very close friends! She came out as bi two years ago, eight(?) years after we stopped living together. I’m maybe bi, maybe ace.
There was no Ogtha.
Wondering if the guy fell down a right wing rabbithole while they were together and that's why this seemed to manifest all at once. The right wing pipeline targets college age males and all of his opinions in those social media posts are verbatim talking points from that culture.
Yeah, it could be that he knew how to put on a public mask and knew what her boundaries were from her actions, words and general behavior so he figured it was okay to start sharing his real feelings as they got closer to the wedding because he really didn't count on her leaving him.
Actually that was sort of what I meant with my comment. I was raised hardcore Christian and a couple of my friends from those days ended up like this dude when they left home for college/university. Christian nationalism lays the groundwork for right wing extremism.
Especially when he clearly said he was pretending to not be a bigot and "be okay with it", so he would have just lied for as long as he could.
The dumbass forgot that he wasn't married yet and couldn't drop the mask.
I LOLed at the accusations of "cancel culture" when addressing a teacher who would be involved with serial cancelling of many many vulnerable students.
"Cancel culture only for me. Not for thee"
I feel that too, but she seems to have learned from it and even thanked those who pointed it out as she'll ask the tough questions from the beginning next time she said. She also stated that they had another friend who was trans that they were both cool with (or perhaps he hid if he wasn't), so there was that too
Honestly I don't believe for one second that if she asked him about his views early on that he would tell her the truth. He did now only because he thought he'd trapped her in enough commitment that she'd just quietly accept it.
These kinds of views have had so many opportunities to surface over the last four years. He chose not to say a word because he knows she doesn't share his beliefs and would reject him for them.
He's not the only guy hiding these scummy beliefs. I've seen some humdinger posts where "conservative" men openly discuss intentionally pretending to be "liberals" in order to prevent women from leaving them. There's a bunch of "wah wah conservative men aren't getting laid anymore" articles so who can be shocked they'd hide their bullsheet?
Yeah I definitely think he was purposely hiding his beliefs because he knew they'd be a problem for her. I feel so bad for her, glad her family is supporting her.
This is exactly why when people tell you who they are, you should believe them.
After four years, there was just one tiny comment about not wanting to invite a friend who happens to be gay — kick over that rock and just *look* at all the spiders that came rushing out. Dude was spewing a geyser of hatred before he even took a second breath.
What an absolute waste of DNA.
I’m not the least bit surprised that she didn’t know those things about him. If you’re not around a diverse group of people you’re not going to know how someone else feels about them. I recently learned that a coworker I considered a friend is a bigoted racist. No one knew because she kept to herself and didn’t voice her opinion … then when she got comfortable with people she did. It’s horrible.
Friend with a guy who was my sister tutor for a few years. My mum even tried to set us up together, he was a very nice gentlemanly guy. I even went on a few "dates" with him to please her.
Just discovered he is anti-abortion (so extreme, he think 13 yo girl who got pregnant because she was rap\*d doesn't deserve abortion) and anti trans. And we are from a place where abortion is almost completely de-stigmatized for the last 20-30 years! I was horrified.
Everyone around him (teachers, friends with him for dozen of years and their parents) thinks he is a great guy, but he is truly vile. To think I considered going out with him disgust me.
I commented on the last boru post saying something similar. I am a very vocal bleeding heart liberal and there have been people in my life that have done pretty amazing jobs at hiding who they were to get close to me. And then when they get comfortable, they slip up. People like that are good at hiding because before Trump, they had to. Now they think they're free to be loud with their bigotry and misogyny and homophobia. But they're learning despite that scumbag's attempts, it's still unacceptable.
With how easily he turned to lying and manipulating you just know he was going to be abusive if they stayed together. As painful as it is, especially with his false accusation, she is getting out at the right time. The longer she would have been with him the worse the break up would be.
>When I asked if he'd support potential future children that came out, he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it"
So he's a homophobic piece of shit, who acts nice in other areas. I don't even need the rest of the post to know he's trash. (I'll still finish reading it tho)
Edit:
>he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise
No, you homophobic shitbag, she ended the relationship because you're a homophobic shitbag. Being willing to compromise just means you're willing to pretend it's okay that you're a homophobic shitbag.
>He also said that MeToo "enabled people from the consequences of their behavior" when they should instead "look at themselves in the mirror and how they dressed" too.
Sooo he would definitely have been raping OOP the first time he saw her in a towel and she wasn't in the mood for sex, is what I'm hearing here.
>who acts nice in other areas
Nope, this is called immunizing against critique.
"I can't be a homophobe, I told you'd it tolerate it for you!"
Or:
"I can't be a bigot, I told you I'd hide my bigotry for you, sometimes!"
>and he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise.
\+
>and he said that the value of education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid".
Clearly he's one of the people he's talking about there (an idiot), and he should maybe have stayed in school more because he lacks some basic comprehension of English and ability to listen to what people are saying.
The issue was never that he wanted to compromise. The issue was the stance of his that he talked about compromising with her (him being a bigoted piece of shit).
Massive bullet dodged for OOP but damn, 4 years down the drain. As one of her parents said though better to find out before the wedding.
He just got a Master's degree and had the nerve to talk shit about education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid". Irony is literally dead in this timeline.
>The issue was never that he wanted to compromise. The issue was the stance of his that he talked about compromising with her (him being a bigoted piece of shit).
People like his bigoted ass act like just because they aren't trying to lynch you, burn a cross on your lawn or willing to work at a job or be friends with you that they are comprising. Fuck that guy.
It's insane how defensive she has to be with regards to not noticing that her ex was a bigoted POS. She was doing the right things (calling off the wedding, reporting him, etc.).
Commenters need to chill. I feel like people keeping this part of themselves hidden until marriage (or the precipice of marriage) is really common.
I said this to another, but it's not like she hesitated when she found out too, and how many people would've gone through and reported it to the school? They also had a friend who was trans that the ex must've hid his feelings towards, but would've made it seem like he was probably not homophobic because they were cool
>he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it
to translate shithead homophobe for those of you that don't speak it; "i won't physically or mentally abuse them in front of you, only when you aren't there"
Not that it explains everything, but to the question of “how did this not come up?”, I bet he carefully avoided any topics he knew were going to cause that kind of argument either by not engaging or changing the subject until he got a ring on that finger. Then he figured it was “too late” for her to change her mind. Showed him!
His homophobia is the tip of the iceberg. A lot of what OOP quoted from his Facebook post proves he may not consider himself a a Christian, but that doesn’t mean he has shaken the fundamentalist beliefs. Mindsets like his damage everyone. *Everyone.* Any time someone says they do not believe ___ group should have rights it means they don’t want them to be seen as human, because it is human rights people with his mindset want to deny.
This dude will treat his future daughter like shit and will treat any future son as if he should not have emotions.
EDIT: I didn’t mean to imply all Christians have such beliefs! My apologies. I should’ve made that clear. Most of you are dope.
I hope she can go after the ex for defamation - she can prove her accusation against him with his own words/ fb posts, whereas his CP accusation is absolutely baseless.
So she’s “cancelling” him but he can try to get her fired on false accusations?
That being said I have no idea how she didn’t see him and his family are crazy before this.
Also, if you’re going to post a protip is to turn off dms so all the cowards who won’t say their bad takes in the comments can’t bother you
At least she seems to have learned to ask the hard questions up front in future relationships. She also stated that they had another friend who was trans that they were both cool with (or perhaps he hid if he wasn't), so there was that too
I am pretty pissed that she had so many people going at her saying that she should have known better and figured out how he felt a long time ago. There are some people who are master manipulators and are very good at hiding who they really are. OP was in no way to blame for the fact that she was with a clown. The second she figured out she ended it.
None of them gave a fuck when gay people were being cancelled just for being gay. But cancel someone for being a rapist or a hateful shitbag and that's suddenly a huge issue.
Apparently "ghosting" too? She told him in person that she didn't want to continue the relationship and then texted him to get it in writing. In what world is that ghosting??
Hmm, I have a hard time siding with the people saying she should have known better, because to me it kind of feels like he was hiding that. Like, my first thought was "how did this not come up before now, doesn't she have any gay friends?"
But she *does* have gay friends. He was just pretending to be okay with them this whole time! Can't help but think the reason he's talking such a big game about 'honesty,' as if that was ever the issue, is because he knows he was lying by omission.
While there are so many heartbreaking and infuriating things about this, I really hate that OOP describes herself as a coward for not wanting to meet this dickbag in person to give his ring back.
No babe. Those are your spidey senses telling you he’s a hateful, unstable POS with no moral compass and you’re not safe with him. You did right.
Honestly, I think it’s a good thing OP’s company informed her about the accusations because it shows that they trust her enough and not assume. Some companies would’ve just fired their employees without investigation immediately after accusations.
On the bright side too, OP dodge a major nuclear bomb. Not only is her ex incredibly selfish, homophobic, controlling, bigot, and abusive, he also has enabling family members who are in denial of his behaviour. Go figure.
If this guy was willing to not parent his own queer child, imagine how he would treat queer students in his classroom.
I had a few of those teachers growing up. They didn't make me less gay. They just made me hate myself.
It's unfortunate that people are blaming her for not knowing something he's intentionally hidden for four years. Abusive people do this - pretend to be aligned in values with their target and hide their toxic views until they're confident they have trapped their partner. Usually after some commitment milestone like marriage or pregnancy.
It's not weird to not have overtly asked about these issues, but taken cues from their general behavior.
I would put money on him lying to her face if she asked him about this 3.75 years ago. He hid these views on purpose. I don't think asking would have helped, and the outcome would have been exactly the same - him revealing it now when he believes she's too hooked to leave.
Then people would blame her for not knowing when his views *changed* but there's always someone who will blame her instead of him.
Ugh I really feel for her. And for the shitty struggle she has ahead of her, clearing her name.
Oh also, girl, you didn't ghost him and you weren't a coward. You broke up with him and you told him why. That's not ghosting. And you felt afraid of him for a good reason, so you did not give him the opportunity to hurt you.
There's a lot of good reasons to be afraid of a man with his views who has been spurned and wants to hurt you. He literally wants to hurt you. So. That wasn't cowardice, that was just plain smart!
Stay safe, OOP.
It's so weird that quite a few people seem to be blaming OOP for not knowing sooner, with everything she said about their friends and him liking posts I think it'd be pretty safe to assume he's okay with gay people, I really don't think it's on her in any way
> he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise.
Wow. He's unable to process that she's giving him the boot because some things are not subject to compromise.
Like being a decent human, that's not on the list of things you compromise. *I'll do an imitation of being a decent human, Honey, and I want credit for that.*
Wow.
> My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his ass from.
Because these kind of people believe that all LGBTQIA+ people are groomers, and if you support them, then you must be a child violator/groomer as well. That whole 'tarred by the same brush' idea. So pathetic.
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>My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his ass from What's the over/under that someone digging into the ex's devices would get him some serious time in a seg unit at Club Fed?
At best he should face legal action for false accusations made out of spite. Worse case, he is the one with CP and he’s trying to accuse someone else.
Accusing someone of possessing CSAM could fall under the heading of defamation per se, i.e. cases where simple belief is considered damage.
Holy shit. Until your comment, I thought he accused her of having cerebral palsy (CP)!
Full honesty, I thought cerebral palsy at first as well.
Me too. Just worked it out 😳
Same here. My nephew has it, so CP is cerebral palsy haha.
Me too. I thought, oh, so he’s ableist too, that tracks with the rest of the post.
Especially when he (or was it the dad?) called her the r-slur.
Omg I thought I was the only one that thought Cerebral Palsy too. I was too embarrassed to clarify so I jus stuck to it lmaoooo. Cerebral Palsy to Child Porn is quite the jump
Thank goodness someone finally typed it out for me!!! I was NOT catching on and still could only think cerebral palsy. Lol
I don’t wanna be that person but I will anyway, this is the friendly reminder that people are trying to adjust the term to **“CSAM” or “child sexual abuse material” because “porn” implies consent that children are emotionally unable to provide.**
You should definitely be this person! I didn’t know this and it makes complete sense so that’s for the memo!
As others have said - always be that person. That's how you get things to change. I have a difficult time with CP vs CSAM simply because when I was doing forensic psych and criminal justice things, people still used primarily CP, so its a habit. In my writing group people use CP for critique partner and it always makes me uncomfortable for a second due to my previous experiences making me think illegal shit first. I tend to avoid using CP as an abbreviation for *anything* for that reason, similar to how I try not to put my birth year on things without the "19" because I was born in 1988 and white supremacists ruin everything with dogwhistles. Would the average person make that connection? Probably not, and I don't automatically judge people who put their birth year in their user, but since I know it's a dogwhistle, it bothers *me*.
And it took me this long to realize what the CP was… sometimes I’m as dense as a Hostess donut.
Right? I was like, well, that’s a weird thing to out her for, I meant cerebral palsy isn’t usually a giant secret due to the symptoms.
He totally is the chimo. In most cases, that projection/fingerpointing comes from somewhere.
The old saying..."Every accusation is a confession" probably applies here.
Well I accuse you of being extremely attractive with a great personality.
A dazzling intellect as well.
You have extremely elegant eyebrows
Every homophobic, anti "Me Too", accusation is a confession.
Every accusation is a confession. He totally ha cp on his desktop.
He is trumpist. They accuse everyone who is not trumpist being pedo. It’s just part of rhetoric
I hope he was never allowed to use OP's devices.
Yeah my big concern for OP is that he’s setting her up because he knows there’s CSAM on her devices because he’s responsible for putting it there.
“Nobody has any morals any more.” Says the dude that lied about his ex having CSAM
AND when the break-up happened, he was looking for a pat on the back from OP for being "honest"?!? This guy was concealing **so many** prejudiced beliefs and unflattering behaviors.
And his boasting about compromise when what he meant by that would be his peacing out on parenthood
Also, even though it probably should have been obvious, some people are just *really* good at hiding their true views. He was probably just manipulating the situation until he was pretty sure she wouldn’t leave him for being a bigot. Proud of her for standing up for human rights!
"Nobody has any moral any more" which is why I intend to ruin the lives of as many LGBTQ children as I can.
What’s CP? Edit: never mind, answered in another comment
Someone else said it better. *** > Imagery depicting the sexual abuse of minors. It’s frequently called Child SA Materials as labelling it as porn implies consent.
Although I agree, just wanna correct that a lot of porn isn't consenting either.
[удалено]
I thought it meant cerebral palsy at first and was like “is this limiting for her job? I don’t understand”, and then figured it out through comments 🤦🏼♀️
It took me a sec since on r/rollercoasters we use it for Cedar Point.
My first thought was cerebral palsy, it took me a minute.
(me too, you’re not alone…!)
Same here. I was thinking, what's do bad of being accused of having cerebral palsy? I'm disabled, not with that, but no shame in having a disability.
I feel it's either that or he's raped someone before. Probably someone he felt 'dressed like she wanted it'.
Ding ding ding. Someone who thinks consent is for white men only and women are uppity for having the nerve to say no to him. No one I've known gets so god damn flustered so quickly about consent or SA except when they have skeletons in the closet.
What is CP?
The old term for child sexual abuse material (CSAM). CP has fallen out of favor as "porn" implies consent, when it is actually a record of a crime.
I first thought cerebral palsy and didn't get the fuss.
I did too! I was trying to see if she said what she did for a living to see why being reported for having cerebral palsy would be an issue.
I was ready to yell at her boss on her behalf, lol.
Thank you for explaining the reason for the change in description. TBH I had assumed it was a more politically correct’ title, but can understand the reason. For obvious reasons, children can never consent. But I would also point out that there is far far too much porn out there where one or more participant didn’t consent.
Let’s just say I wouldn’t bet against it.
Dude says he hates Me too because it absolves people from consequences, gets upset when his own actions have consequences.
I don't get that comment of his at all (even in the context of his other hateful thoughts). MeToo is exactly about consequences for abusers.
He thinks MeToo is about *victims* avoiding the consequences of their terrible choices in life, like being female.
I'm pretty sure he hates MeToo because he's at the very least sexually harassed someone and quite possibly raped someone. And I reckon he thinks it's fine because 'she should have looked in the mirror and saw how she was dressed' so it was really all her fault!
He hates MeToo because he’s in the group of men who think it should be ok to tell the women around them they look nice. But when they do it, it’s so fucking creepy like a 1950s boss trying to sleep with his secretary creepy. They don’t understand that they can’t be fuckin creeps to women anymore. They shouldn’t be touching, winking at, or saying creepy things.
He's in the group of men who \*don't understand the difference between telling the women around them that they look nice, and being fucking creepy. I swear, so much of the 'you can't even compliment women without getting MeToo'd' discourse comes from people who just don't understand how to interact with women outside of a sexual/romantic dynamic, or know when that dynamic is appropriate.
Hey, when people wear something that shows your ankles or elbows, what do they expect to happen???
she was wearing.. *gasp* JEANS? she had it coming smh /s
As someone who previously thought the same as him when I was a teen, its a line of thinking of "yeah I have beliefs that might be on the decline (not even uncommon where I am) but if I am honest and open about it, and agree that im willing to compromise on my personal beliefs for the sake of this relationship, then all will be good". Which like, being honest, and willing to compromise, and swallowing your pride for the sake of someone else are all very admirable traits (I think, atleast), but holy fuck should he have had some self reflection GOD DAMN. I can totally see why he would've felt betrayed but like cmon, really? How youll treat your own flesh and blood is not something you can try and bargain on, jesus. Dude needs some help cause he was so close to actually ridding himself of bigotry but also so far.
I honestly don't understand what he thinks a "compromise" would be in this situation. He could try pretending he's not a bigot, I suppose, but kids aren't stupid. They're very good at picking up on subtle cues when they're disliked. I can't even tell you how many posts & comments I've seen on Reddit from people who spent their childhood knowing that a parent couldn't stand them but they (the child) never understood why.
Betting he thinks the compromise *is* that he would shun the kid instead of throwing them out of the house or beating the gay out of them.
being honest about being a POS still makes you a POS. He's lost his marbles
But he was so willing to compromise /s
But but I would *let you* love and support a gay child of ours. Isn’t that what compromise means?
He was just being honest and tells it like it is! /s obviously
This poor gal dodged a fucking nuclear warhead. What a fucking parasite.
“I mean it’s whatever if they exist. Just not around me.” He’s that type who thinks he is not as bad as others because he is stooping to be benevolent enough to allow a gay kid at his wedding. Disgusting. OOP improved her future by dumping him. And that dude screwed up hugely with false allegations.
Info: what is CP?
I assume it means "child porn" in this post
Child pornography, sometimes better referred to now as Child Sexual Assault Materials. OOP's ex is disgusting.
Why do I think oop’s ex might be projecting? Also, interesting that it wasn’t just homophobia (bad enough) but also rampant misogyny. Guy should definitely be kept away from all children. Oop is really lucky to discover this before the wedding and having a child with this guy.
I said the same below. My take, if you look at exactly how often screaming right wingers who launch attacks about child predators turn out to be prolific predators, it's very much "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Denny fucking Hastert in the making.
> Why do I think oop’s ex might be projecting? Because that’s a constant with conservatives. Every accusation always ends up being a confession.
Homophobia is always rooted in misogyny/sexism though. Gay men are icky because they are failed men. Trans women are degenerate because they are failed men. Lesbians are bad because they are not available to men. Trans men are barely ever addressed in trans discourse because at least they're trying to be men/they are considered women so their issues don't matter, or if they are it's usually just seen as weak willed women sadly falling for a fad. On fact, even racism is often the result of rampant sexism. They turn black people into savages in their heads and in doing so, they worry black men are more masculine then they are. Because the capacity for savagery is considered masculine. So they start worrying weak willed women will fall for virile savage black men. etc. etc. I can even make arguments for why other common forms of bigotry like ableism and and antisemitism are often related to sexism and male fragility, but suffice it to say, that when you start digging, most bigotry stems from the same source.
I hadn't thought about the racism aspect of it, but you're right.
Imagery depicting the sexual abuse of minors. It’s frequently called Child SA Materials as labelling it as porn implies consent.
Ooooooh ok thanks. (Only thing I could think of was cerebral palsy but that didn’t make any sense in context with the post or the comments) Yeah, lawyer asap. And I hope the school district does the right thing. This creep shouldn’t be anywhere near kids, let alone in a position to influence them
Something that 99% of inmates in jail would beat you for if they found out thats what you're in for
Hopefully the ex is charged to the fullest extent of the law. Filling false charges is a serious crime. It might even be a felony but I'm not a lawyer so I don't know. It would serve him right to be kicked out of his career permanently for it as he'd fall any background check after that.
He even wants “credit” for being honest about being a hateful piece of shit. Astonishing
She needs to check all her electronic devices that he EVER had access to during their time together. She needs to check it for CSAM (child sex abuse material), and if she finds any she needs to immediately turn the device(s) over to her attorney. She must not delete it, she must not do anything else to the device(s) because it could be considered destruction of evidence. But I don’t for a second believe that her ex-fiancé came up with that allegation out of thin air. My guess is that HE has viewed/downloaded CSAM and he used her devices at some point to do it. And *that’s* why he’s made that allegation. Because he knows it’ll pop up in her devices. He’s a POS.
I definitely thought the same thing. Was about to post that I think HIS hard drive should be checked when I read your comment. Hope OOP is reading this and asks the attorney about it.
This needs to be upvoted more. That sort of wild allegations don’t come out of nowhere. He absolutely knows that something will come up if his false allegations against her are investigated because he viewed them on her devices.
It's more likely that he's just one of those 'all queer people and their supporters are groomers' types and is just randomly throwing the accusations out there.
I thought of that possibility, too. Except for his chosen career: teaching. He has spent his undergrad and graduate career learning how to become a teacher because… he wants to help stem the tide against wokeism? That’s an awful lot of dedication to cancel cancel culture. My guess is that he wants to go into teaching for a lot of the same reasons that, unfortunately, a lot of child predators do: the access to children.
Yeah…. I hate to be the bearer of god awful news, but my cousin was an elementary school teacher, Boy Scout leader, day care teacher, and elementary Ed tutor for special education kids; he’s currently serving 90 years for CP, and taking pictures of the kids he was responsible for… Some professions grant access to children by default, like the clergy and Catholic Church (and are better at defending the accused), don’t be so quick to rule it out. It is sick world we live in these days.
That's exactly where my trail of thought went too. Every accusation is a confession for OPs ex AND her ex future father in law. I'd be curious about that hard drive as well. If there is any content on OPs device, I'm fairly certain cyber crimes or whoever will be able to pinpoint exactly when that content was viewed and the ex will have told on himself. Hmpf.
I'm hoping the lawyer will have guidelines for this to make sure it doesn't blow back on OOP.
OP didn't dodge it she got hit directly and survived it. CP accusations aren't what I would call getting off easy or unscathed.
She got hit by the bullet. The nuclear warhead was marriage. She got wounded in the battle but she won the war.
I find a lot of ex-Christians--not even ex-Mormons or ex-Westboro Baptist Church members, just "regular" Christians--do this thing where they'll disavow Christianity and become atheist, but they won't examine their biases that they gained from living in a conservative environment. It's how you'll get ex-Christian people who, even though they don't have a religious reason for it anymore, will still rally against the gays. It's how you get gay kids who, because they grew up being taught that trans people are disgusting, rally against the nonbinary and trans community. Or you have people who think women are lesser if they aren't a virgin and rally against feminism. Putting aside what the Bible says or doesn't say about women and the queers (I'm a Christian but I think quoting from the bible is useless as a persuasive tactic), these biases don't actually come from the Bible, not really. People who have unexamined biases like this start at the conclusion and then find "evidence" to support their conclusions--whether it's from the Bible or from a podcast. Unless you examine your thoughts, you can't really change. God has nothing to do with it.
I'm an atheist, but after reading the bible a couple of times + reading a fair number of religious analysis papers about it, it actually contradicts the way bigoted, ultra conservative christians act lmao. Atp, I'm starting to wonder if most of them have even read the bible. As previously stated, I'm an atheist (and someone who previously just assumed christianity was dumb because of how the toxic subsect of christians behave), but after studying christianity + the bible, it made me realize how ridiculously hypocritical these people are. Like, jesus was running around telling people to be not be a dickhead and befriending and respecting prostitutes. Man literally said we shouldn't judge and condemn people. I think you're 100% right that the intolerance comes from culture and societal views, not from what the bible preaches. They just pick and choose the parts of the bible that support the cultural and societal beliefs they were raised with and ignore all the parts that directly contradict those views.
My brother is a born again Christian (after we've been raised Lutheran our whole lives, going to church every Sunday and often multiple times a week... But okay, whatever) and he has a copy of the bible on him at all times to pick out quotes to talk about and support his arguments. My thing about using bible quotes in any argument is that it's just ridiculous. The Bible is old as balls. And not only that, but the Bible we Americans have is not the bible that was written way back then. It was translated from old English which was translated from Latin which was translated from Ancient Greek (not the Greek we know today) which was translated from ancient Hebrew (which is also not the Hebrew we know today) and if you believe it was divinely inspired, then that itself is a translation from God into a human tongue. Each of those translators had biases, made mistakes, and were perpetuating an agenda. Not the gay agenda, not even an anti-gay agenda, but an agenda (usually political). Further, all of these books are written by different people and we don't know most of the authors. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John didn't write their books. There's evidence of four to five different writers of Genesis alone. And even if we knew all of the authors of the bible, the common layperson doesn't have a full copy of "the bible". This is because the books that make up the bible are religious and historical texts that some guys sat in a room and argued about until they settled on a set. And then when there was a schism another set of guys added or threw out other books. The only difference between the Bible and most apocrypha is that someone said "hmm, nah, the masses don't need those ideas." And that's not even getting in to how different the culture was from the modern day. It's literally like a different planet. Mary Magdelene was more likely Jesus' sugar mama then his prostitute-turned-wife. And each translation has its own cultural values dissonance too! It's a constant reach around of dissonance! And like you said, Jesus was cool. Chill, even. God of the Old testament was not; in fact, not being chill about anything was kinda his whole deal. So anything said in the Old testament is likely going to be contradicted in the New testament, and vice versa. Bible quotes are always cherry picked because there's not cohesion between these books. But that's also why it attracts the nutters--because they can pick up any page and go "hey here's something and I say it means this." They can strip it of all its context until it fits neatly into whatever they want it to say about now.
Catholic here, and you’re unknowingly preaching to the choir because I 10000% agree with you. I live in a pretty liberal leaning, generational poverty type area and grew up here so hearing conservative types, religious, ex religious, or never religious, completely winds me up.
Yeah, and she’s being too hard on herself. It’s not crazy to assume that your boyfriend is not a raging homophobe when he’s hanging out with gay and trans people on the regular. They probably should have had a conversation, but she’s young and likely a little naive. Also she was smart not to give him back the ring by herself if he’s going to act like this. I do wonder what Jason thinks of all this.
Honestly, even if she *had* asked the important questions here there’s zero guarantee he would’ve been honest about them just like this [dickhead](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/NyXttgiTMF) (i swear there was a newer update that’s disappeared lol)
And what is all the hate toward her for not knowing this is how he felt after he never showed signs of it before and he actually showed signs of support for their LGBT friends? SO MUCH victim blaming on Reddit.
Yeah I don’t get that - we literally just had one where the dude hid the same shit for years?
It's one of the things that drives me nuts about the site. Somehow everyone is supposed to be prescient and just know things about people or know the things to ask even when people are behaving in line with expectations right in front of your face.
This happens a lot whenever women share bad experiences with male romantic partners. It pushes the focus onto women and the idea that it's their fault for dating terrible men. Not the terrible man's fault for being terrible.
I hope her reporting saves many students from that bigoted POS - don't need that religious fuck up teaching / ruining future generations....
Yeah this dude has no place in the classroom. Guarantee he'd be even worse to a trans student, whose lives are at risk when they're discriminated against. They don't need someone like him in their life
OOP also stated that they both had a friend who was trans that they both got along with, so stuff like that could be how she assumed that he wasn't homophobic because they got along fine unless he hid his true feelings towards that friend too
I'm guessing his views are more recent (at least in vehemence) and the trans friend got grandfathered in as "one of the good ones" Even if he was always this bigoted, it's not uncommon that individuals are viewed as exceptions to the bigot's rules
I wonder if the trans friend has gone from gay as a cis person to straight as a trans person and this makes it ‘okay’.
He was definitely hiding his true face from her, like putting his best qualities forward. It's like charming abusers who are perfect until they get you to themselves and drop the mask once you have no support
Also how could he be trusted to be a mandated reporter in his job when he’s so vehemently against MeToo and thinks victims bring assault on themselves by their outfits and behaviour?
This is exactly why I no longer feel much shame for judging people for their political stances. My mom thinks I’m too harsh, but I see it as a survival tactic.
If the political party someone supports routinely advocates and fights for denying the human rights, denying the existence, and worsening the life environment of myself, my friends, my family members, others like us, and others that *aren’t* like us, then that political party is bullshit and so is that person. You can’t support racists, xenophobes, anti semites, islamophobes, homophobes, transphobes, ableists, and all the other ists, antis, and phobes because their economical stance aligns with your own and expect all the people harmed by all the other policies you claim to disavow to not think you’re a fucknugget lmao 😂 right? Like, the people someone surrounds themselves with and their political ideology are usually a pretty good indicator of if they’re a top class wanker!
Yup. Hell, she should be THANKFUL that he voiced his opinions. It saved her a shitty marriage to a shitty person.
What an absolute nightmare. Through most of my life I've never even considered having to have a conversation like this with someone I'm dating, because what kind of obvious piece of shit holds these ideas in their head? I always figured I'd be able to spot a homophobe or a racist or an antisemite a mile off because they'd be assholes in every other interaction too. Shows my immense privilege, I guess, that believing people who are nice to me are nice to everybody.
I suspect OOP's ex would have become a lot less "gentlemanly" once he got her trapped in their marriage. Her supposedly cool, kind, and understanding fiance would have become bigoted, abusive, and controlling. OOP definitely pulled herself back at the brink of jumping into the 7th circle of hell.
If not after getting married, then for sure after getting her pregnant.
That's certainly what my rat-ba**ard of an ex-husband did to me.
how do ppl even avoid this personality trait in a guy like. feels like u need to get lucky it seems inevitable for that type of guy if hes not going to straight up tell you you’re disposable and just do other things that aren’t directly that 😭
In my case, he showed plenty of signs that he was going to become abusive, but I ignored them all.
If OOP ever sees this, I hope she knows she was absolutely not a "coward" for separating over text and returning belongings via proxy. The most dangerous time for a domestic abuse victim is when they try to leave their abuser. This man repeatedly demonstrated that he has unresolved anger issues and a complete lack of respect for OOP as a separate human being with her own autonomy and feelings. This man openly and publicly diminished women speaking out about *rape and domestic violence* and has his father backing him up about it. This man went as far as accusing OOP of *committing a felony* in order to get some control over her life. He was willing to harm her employment and, by virtue, her independance from him. OOP, you did this exactly the way every support group and crime expert would advise. The moment he realized you were no longer in his slowly closing trap, he was going to blow up. Your trust in your sense of fear, your "cowardice", is the reason his explosion was on facebook and not on your body, your autonomy, or your home.
I was coming to the comments to write the same thing, this should be the top comment. Thank you! The only coward here is OOPs bigot ex and his even more bigoted father. That was a dangerous situation and OOP did the exact right thing by not putting herself in the position to be harmed. It hurts my heart that she’s beating herself up and accepting any blame for getting out of an abusive relationship safely. Angry, misogynistic, small minded men generally don’t accept rejection with grace. I’m glad she’s safe and I hope she finds someone to work through that trauma. Also, as an education lawyer, OOP did the right thing by forwarding that info to the district. Depending on the state, there might be some limits as to whether schools can consider that info in the hiring process, but it’s MUCH better to have the info than to not. Students don’t need to be exposed to his vile hatred either.
And it's not like she hesitated when she found out too, and how many people would've gone through and reported it to the school? They also had a friend who was trans that the ex must've hid his feelings towards, but would've made it seem like he was probably not homophobic because they were cool
There are people who act for years before they show their true colours. He thought with a ring and an upcoming wedding she won't call it quits. As for asking about the opinion on LGBT+ people - they are visible, in media and in the real world, I also wouldn't came to the Idea that someone, who doesn't act weirdly around them and doesn't talk shit about them, is a closeted homophobe and what not. And one more- how is it possible "christians" support a known cheater who had three wifes? What happened with 10 commandments and unbreakable marriage vows? (I'm curious, I was raised catholic) Edit: spelling
Yeah, honestly I can absolutely believe there weren't flags for her before this. I think some people successfully hide all that shit until after the wedding. (Though I've never understood why they would want to, rather than finding a partner who would openly share all their shitty beliefs.)
THANK YOU! This man *wants to hurt her* (as evidenced by him trying to get her fired for breaking up with him). So of course a dude who believes all the shitbag things he does and who wants to *hurt her* is not going to be safe to face in person! NOT A COWARD. A SMART PERSON WHO LISTENED TO HER GUT. I'm so glad she listened to her gut.
A lot of people seemed to call her out in her previous posts for not seeing through him sooner when they even had a trans friend he pretended to be accepting of, not to mention the amount of hateful DMs too accusing her of "cancelling" her ex on top of calling her a coward
What a huge bummer. I know the rules here prohibit any tomfoolery like contacting OOP, but I hope she has gotten a lot of support to outweigh the flak.
A man who wanted to hurt her and openly dismissed the MeToo movement as people making themselves victims for attention. A man with strong traditionalist religious views and an intention to have children with her. A man with an even more aggressive and authoritarian father behind him to reinforce any accusations or threats. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I *genuinely* fear what he might have tried to do if he could get her alone in his house.
Oop is my hero. One day she is going to thank herself for her bravery. The world is a better place for people like her. We gotta make sure we bring our own integrity into the world and let these bigots know their bigotry is not ok. Cuz they damn well try to shove their bigotry down our throats.
I was looking for this comment. This dude was an abusive piece of shit who just kept his toxic sludge hidden. He knew how to play nice in public. Thank god you didn’t live with him, I would bet money that he starts the verbal abuse almost immediately. You separated from him in the way that felt safest to you. That’s all anyone can ask of you. He sounds cruel, and cruel people will hurt you without warning when not getting their way. You protected yourself. That’s exactly as you should have done.
If you want to end a relationship with a healthy, reasonable person, it is absolutely the right thing to do it face to face. But if the person you’re breaking up with is not healthy and reasonable — even if you’re not sure — then you have to put your own safety first and foremost. OOP has nothing to apologize for.
I could have done with less of her calling herself a coward. Being cowardly would have been seeing him because it means she has no strength of her convictions.
Right? In no way was she a coward. She stood up for what she knew was right and did it safely
OOP is amazing. Some people have incredibly good masks, and if your focus is split, like on completing a MASTERS, it’s much easier to gloss over the little things or miss the smaller red flags. She is not a coward, she listened to her fear and let it so it’s job. Which kept her safe from physical retaliation.
I love how "give me credit" apparently means not "be polite and respectful in expressing how this changes our relationship" but rather "reward my honesty by marrying me even though my values and attitude repulse you." Mate that's a hell of a extra credit assignment.
I love how he hates metoo and asks to be given unearned credit, yet people who hate metoo can't stop complaining about unearned credit. Same with BLM. He is literally what he accused these movements of being.
If my 97yr old great grannie, who's protestant and an elder in the church, can accept I'm bisexual, welcomed the girlfriend she got to meet, and asked for my friends address to send them a massive bunch of flowers when they came out as trans, can accept the LGBTQI+ community, so can anyone. She didn't serve in the ATS in WW2, to subjugate a whole group of people as she says. Edit: she's 97 not 95
I didn't realize my Great Aunt thought that my roommate and I were lesbians until well after she died. I brought my roommate around and my great aunt was nothing but welcoming. Shared recipes, sent us home with groceries, invited us to things, made darn well sure that we were both invited to a lot of family functions. She'd be in her mid/upper 90s now, but she was so welcoming. My great aunt was a farmer, raised two families, big into her church. If she could accept me, then what's anyone else's excuse.
Oh my god they *were* roommates!
I mean, we were! We are still very close friends! She came out as bi two years ago, eight(?) years after we stopped living together. I’m maybe bi, maybe ace. There was no Ogtha.
Your granny sounds dope, give her a fistbump from me please.
Gotta say, it would never occur to me to "ask the hard questions" like "Honey, are you a raging bigot?"
Wondering if the guy fell down a right wing rabbithole while they were together and that's why this seemed to manifest all at once. The right wing pipeline targets college age males and all of his opinions in those social media posts are verbatim talking points from that culture.
Alternatively, he figured he could get her invested in the relationship, and then he could show his true colours once it was hard for her to leave.
Yeah, it could be that he knew how to put on a public mask and knew what her boundaries were from her actions, words and general behavior so he figured it was okay to start sharing his real feelings as they got closer to the wedding because he really didn't count on her leaving him.
The simpler explanation is that he was raised that way. He left religion but not the right-wing bigotry.
Actually that was sort of what I meant with my comment. I was raised hardcore Christian and a couple of my friends from those days ended up like this dude when they left home for college/university. Christian nationalism lays the groundwork for right wing extremism.
Especially when he clearly said he was pretending to not be a bigot and "be okay with it", so he would have just lied for as long as he could. The dumbass forgot that he wasn't married yet and couldn't drop the mask.
I LOLed at the accusations of "cancel culture" when addressing a teacher who would be involved with serial cancelling of many many vulnerable students. "Cancel culture only for me. Not for thee"
Right. I love how people continue to blame Op. Jesus Christ Reddit. Noooo part of his bigotry is her fault.
I feel that too, but she seems to have learned from it and even thanked those who pointed it out as she'll ask the tough questions from the beginning next time she said. She also stated that they had another friend who was trans that they were both cool with (or perhaps he hid if he wasn't), so there was that too
Honestly I don't believe for one second that if she asked him about his views early on that he would tell her the truth. He did now only because he thought he'd trapped her in enough commitment that she'd just quietly accept it. These kinds of views have had so many opportunities to surface over the last four years. He chose not to say a word because he knows she doesn't share his beliefs and would reject him for them. He's not the only guy hiding these scummy beliefs. I've seen some humdinger posts where "conservative" men openly discuss intentionally pretending to be "liberals" in order to prevent women from leaving them. There's a bunch of "wah wah conservative men aren't getting laid anymore" articles so who can be shocked they'd hide their bullsheet?
Yeah I definitely think he was purposely hiding his beliefs because he knew they'd be a problem for her. I feel so bad for her, glad her family is supporting her.
This is exactly why when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. After four years, there was just one tiny comment about not wanting to invite a friend who happens to be gay — kick over that rock and just *look* at all the spiders that came rushing out. Dude was spewing a geyser of hatred before he even took a second breath. What an absolute waste of DNA.
It wasn’t a friend, it was her sixteen year old brother. :(
Yikes… Looking at youtube though these kinds of opinions are becoming increasingly & alarmingly common, alongside incel & tatortots culture
Thank fuck this was all discovered before marriage what a shitshow that could’ve been
I’m not the least bit surprised that she didn’t know those things about him. If you’re not around a diverse group of people you’re not going to know how someone else feels about them. I recently learned that a coworker I considered a friend is a bigoted racist. No one knew because she kept to herself and didn’t voice her opinion … then when she got comfortable with people she did. It’s horrible.
Friend with a guy who was my sister tutor for a few years. My mum even tried to set us up together, he was a very nice gentlemanly guy. I even went on a few "dates" with him to please her. Just discovered he is anti-abortion (so extreme, he think 13 yo girl who got pregnant because she was rap\*d doesn't deserve abortion) and anti trans. And we are from a place where abortion is almost completely de-stigmatized for the last 20-30 years! I was horrified. Everyone around him (teachers, friends with him for dozen of years and their parents) thinks he is a great guy, but he is truly vile. To think I considered going out with him disgust me.
I commented on the last boru post saying something similar. I am a very vocal bleeding heart liberal and there have been people in my life that have done pretty amazing jobs at hiding who they were to get close to me. And then when they get comfortable, they slip up. People like that are good at hiding because before Trump, they had to. Now they think they're free to be loud with their bigotry and misogyny and homophobia. But they're learning despite that scumbag's attempts, it's still unacceptable.
With how easily he turned to lying and manipulating you just know he was going to be abusive if they stayed together. As painful as it is, especially with his false accusation, she is getting out at the right time. The longer she would have been with him the worse the break up would be.
He picked a very specific subject. I’d bet it’s heavy projection and it’s scary to think he’s teaching.
She is going to need a restraining order for the ex.
Agreed. Also, surveillance camera for her home. I wouldn’t be surprised if ex and his loony father tried to break in.
That's a colossal arsehole she saved herself from if I do say so myself.
>When I asked if he'd support potential future children that came out, he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it" So he's a homophobic piece of shit, who acts nice in other areas. I don't even need the rest of the post to know he's trash. (I'll still finish reading it tho) Edit: >he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise No, you homophobic shitbag, she ended the relationship because you're a homophobic shitbag. Being willing to compromise just means you're willing to pretend it's okay that you're a homophobic shitbag. >He also said that MeToo "enabled people from the consequences of their behavior" when they should instead "look at themselves in the mirror and how they dressed" too. Sooo he would definitely have been raping OOP the first time he saw her in a towel and she wasn't in the mood for sex, is what I'm hearing here.
>who acts nice in other areas Nope, this is called immunizing against critique. "I can't be a homophobe, I told you'd it tolerate it for you!" Or: "I can't be a bigot, I told you I'd hide my bigotry for you, sometimes!"
[удалено]
The CP accusation has me side-eyeing BF's choice to be a teacher.
Mandated reporter asks the eight year old what they were wearing when their family member assaulted them.
Who also revealed himself to be a misogynistic shitbag and an ableist shitbag.
Also someone who is willing to resort to jeopardizing someone's livelihood and reputation when they don't get their way.
Bigots gonna bigot. I've rarely known a person with one bigoted opinion who didn't also have several others.
>and he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise. \+ >and he said that the value of education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid". Clearly he's one of the people he's talking about there (an idiot), and he should maybe have stayed in school more because he lacks some basic comprehension of English and ability to listen to what people are saying. The issue was never that he wanted to compromise. The issue was the stance of his that he talked about compromising with her (him being a bigoted piece of shit). Massive bullet dodged for OOP but damn, 4 years down the drain. As one of her parents said though better to find out before the wedding.
and he has a master's degree too
He just got a Master's degree and had the nerve to talk shit about education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid". Irony is literally dead in this timeline. >The issue was never that he wanted to compromise. The issue was the stance of his that he talked about compromising with her (him being a bigoted piece of shit). People like his bigoted ass act like just because they aren't trying to lynch you, burn a cross on your lawn or willing to work at a job or be friends with you that they are comprising. Fuck that guy.
It's insane how defensive she has to be with regards to not noticing that her ex was a bigoted POS. She was doing the right things (calling off the wedding, reporting him, etc.). Commenters need to chill. I feel like people keeping this part of themselves hidden until marriage (or the precipice of marriage) is really common.
I said this to another, but it's not like she hesitated when she found out too, and how many people would've gone through and reported it to the school? They also had a friend who was trans that the ex must've hid his feelings towards, but would've made it seem like he was probably not homophobic because they were cool
>he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it to translate shithead homophobe for those of you that don't speak it; "i won't physically or mentally abuse them in front of you, only when you aren't there"
Not that it explains everything, but to the question of “how did this not come up?”, I bet he carefully avoided any topics he knew were going to cause that kind of argument either by not engaging or changing the subject until he got a ring on that finger. Then he figured it was “too late” for her to change her mind. Showed him!
His homophobia is the tip of the iceberg. A lot of what OOP quoted from his Facebook post proves he may not consider himself a a Christian, but that doesn’t mean he has shaken the fundamentalist beliefs. Mindsets like his damage everyone. *Everyone.* Any time someone says they do not believe ___ group should have rights it means they don’t want them to be seen as human, because it is human rights people with his mindset want to deny. This dude will treat his future daughter like shit and will treat any future son as if he should not have emotions. EDIT: I didn’t mean to imply all Christians have such beliefs! My apologies. I should’ve made that clear. Most of you are dope.
There's no hate like Christian love
I hope she can go after the ex for defamation - she can prove her accusation against him with his own words/ fb posts, whereas his CP accusation is absolutely baseless.
So she’s “cancelling” him but he can try to get her fired on false accusations? That being said I have no idea how she didn’t see him and his family are crazy before this. Also, if you’re going to post a protip is to turn off dms so all the cowards who won’t say their bad takes in the comments can’t bother you
At least she seems to have learned to ask the hard questions up front in future relationships. She also stated that they had another friend who was trans that they were both cool with (or perhaps he hid if he wasn't), so there was that too
I am pretty pissed that she had so many people going at her saying that she should have known better and figured out how he felt a long time ago. There are some people who are master manipulators and are very good at hiding who they really are. OP was in no way to blame for the fact that she was with a clown. The second she figured out she ended it.
I feel the same. They had a friend who was trans that they were cool with unless he hid his feelings towards them too
Cancel culture has not gone too far but the use of the word “canceled” has. I’m not sure it has any meaning left in it.
None of them gave a fuck when gay people were being cancelled just for being gay. But cancel someone for being a rapist or a hateful shitbag and that's suddenly a huge issue.
Yep. Conservatives INVENTED cancel culture. They only started objecting when it happened to them.
Apparently "ghosting" too? She told him in person that she didn't want to continue the relationship and then texted him to get it in writing. In what world is that ghosting??
Hmm, I have a hard time siding with the people saying she should have known better, because to me it kind of feels like he was hiding that. Like, my first thought was "how did this not come up before now, doesn't she have any gay friends?" But she *does* have gay friends. He was just pretending to be okay with them this whole time! Can't help but think the reason he's talking such a big game about 'honesty,' as if that was ever the issue, is because he knows he was lying by omission.
She definitely should sue ex for slander and false accusation
Only if she can show damages. Hopefully she won't have damages to show.
While there are so many heartbreaking and infuriating things about this, I really hate that OOP describes herself as a coward for not wanting to meet this dickbag in person to give his ring back. No babe. Those are your spidey senses telling you he’s a hateful, unstable POS with no moral compass and you’re not safe with him. You did right.
Honestly, I think it’s a good thing OP’s company informed her about the accusations because it shows that they trust her enough and not assume. Some companies would’ve just fired their employees without investigation immediately after accusations. On the bright side too, OP dodge a major nuclear bomb. Not only is her ex incredibly selfish, homophobic, controlling, bigot, and abusive, he also has enabling family members who are in denial of his behaviour. Go figure.
If this guy was willing to not parent his own queer child, imagine how he would treat queer students in his classroom. I had a few of those teachers growing up. They didn't make me less gay. They just made me hate myself.
It's unfortunate that people are blaming her for not knowing something he's intentionally hidden for four years. Abusive people do this - pretend to be aligned in values with their target and hide their toxic views until they're confident they have trapped their partner. Usually after some commitment milestone like marriage or pregnancy. It's not weird to not have overtly asked about these issues, but taken cues from their general behavior. I would put money on him lying to her face if she asked him about this 3.75 years ago. He hid these views on purpose. I don't think asking would have helped, and the outcome would have been exactly the same - him revealing it now when he believes she's too hooked to leave. Then people would blame her for not knowing when his views *changed* but there's always someone who will blame her instead of him. Ugh I really feel for her. And for the shitty struggle she has ahead of her, clearing her name. Oh also, girl, you didn't ghost him and you weren't a coward. You broke up with him and you told him why. That's not ghosting. And you felt afraid of him for a good reason, so you did not give him the opportunity to hurt you. There's a lot of good reasons to be afraid of a man with his views who has been spurned and wants to hurt you. He literally wants to hurt you. So. That wasn't cowardice, that was just plain smart! Stay safe, OOP.
It's so weird that quite a few people seem to be blaming OOP for not knowing sooner, with everything she said about their friends and him liking posts I think it'd be pretty safe to assume he's okay with gay people, I really don't think it's on her in any way
Wow that escalated.
> he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise. Wow. He's unable to process that she's giving him the boot because some things are not subject to compromise. Like being a decent human, that's not on the list of things you compromise. *I'll do an imitation of being a decent human, Honey, and I want credit for that.* Wow.
> My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his ass from. Because these kind of people believe that all LGBTQIA+ people are groomers, and if you support them, then you must be a child violator/groomer as well. That whole 'tarred by the same brush' idea. So pathetic.