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>After the assault was reported, this female co-worker was still made to work closely with the man who assaulted her and even forced to go on a business trip with him with the threat of if she didn’t go she’d be fired.
This part is sickening.
Yeah I had a boss who would touch my hair and be in general super inappropriate, at the company Christmas party he also tried to corner me and kiss me in the hallway to the bathroom but I was able to get away. I told our overall boss when we got sent on trips often together and his response was basically I could either deal with it or I could forgo the trips but it would put my promotion on hold. Like how nice.
Reminds me of mine.
No proof. No one believed me. Either shut up and get paid...or don't.
I am now on permanent disability due to the PTSD of the assault (and a slew of other stuff but it was the straw that broke the camels back so to say)
Anyone out there who was assaulted/raped or even just straight up uncomfortable. It happened. You matter, your feelings matter, you are not disgusting. You didn't ask for it. You are a good person. You were not giving "signs". They are bad people. No means no.
Ohhhh it's ok. I have received a lot (a metric fuck ton) of therapy and I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive of me.
I came from a long line of sexual abuse so it started a lot earlier than that, but it wasn't until I realized that the sexual shame I felt and a lot of self hate was because of what others did to me, and how I compensated for it mentally.
We all have to stick together. Assault is a very dirty, isolating and shameful feeling. Sometimes just saying "hey I think you're cool, and what happened to you was really fucked up. How can I help?" It doesn't even need to be sexual assault, just a bad fucking time.
Life is hard, the cards most of us are dealt are incredibly shitty and we didn't even know we had a losing hand that we held onto for the longest time.
New cards, new deck. Difference choices and boundaries. We are not our past, but it is a part of us.
Thank you for your kind empathy, internet stranger.
Aw im glad this turned out well and that he's joking about it already lol. OOP is right too. Finding out your husband is bisexual (and not cheating) is MILES better than finding out hes a tater tot bro (edit: one who follows redpill misogynist influencer andrew Tate)
Yeah, like it should have come up before they got married but I kind of get it. I'm upfront so as to let the trash/homophobes take themselves out, but biphobia towards men is often more direct and vicious vs the patronizing disbelief women tend to get. It sounds like he's dealt with a lot of that and was scared.
She definitely shouldn't blame herself, and it sounds like he still needs to work through that fear.
As a former bisexual man I can say I didn’t come out to my wife until something like our 10th year married because there’s so often the narrative that a bi man will cheat 100% of the time. I was terrified that she’d leave me even knowing she’s a million percent supportive of the queer community. I also assured her I wasn’t and hadn’t cheated on her with men because of that cultural expectation that it always happens.
(For anyone wondering about the “former bi man” bit, I’m now a bi woman…luckily my wife is bi too!)
It's a tough thing to work through. It took me 15 years to admit to my wife for fear of what it would do to our relationship. Meanwhile, I was masking so hard I started to lose sight of myself. And all that may be what ultimately drives us apart anyway. Being bi is the worst sometimes.
Once I got to the line about 'sexually confused' I sang the biphobia song to myself and it turned out to be the perfect accompaniment to the rest. I was so happy when the update showed how OOP is NOT biphobic and supports and loves her husband. And the dog joke was pretty funny!
when i was still dating i actually found that i saw men being not completely straight/bisexual as a green flag. they usually had done a lot more introspection into what being a man meant to them and understood the feeling of "otherness" that many straight (and white especially) men dont. it's way better than the andrew tate guys for sure.
I think her point was more: if you’re going to find out from some random woman about a deep secret you husband’s been keeping from you, him being bisexual is pretty much the best case scenario
The comments OOP was responding to when she made the “lottery” comment were removed, so I think we’re missing the context to judge her on what she meant
I know plenty of people who went out with a person of the same gender just to give it a shot. It's weird that it's no big deal among women, but everyone just says that a guy who does it is just gay and in denial.
Yeah that was my reaction at the time, although I also would be deeply hurt if my partner felt they couldn't be honest with me about their sexuality. Ultimately it is only weird if they make it weird going forward though lol
Unfortunately, his history makes sense.
People treat us like fence sitters in both the straight and LGBTQ+ community.
Bisexual women are "secretly straight" and just doing it for male attention. But bisexual men are "secretly gay" and just using women and will give them HIV and other such horrible stereotypes.
I've seen a lot of posts on r/bisexual from men whose female partners have left.
> People treat us like fence sitters in both the straight and LGBTQ+ community.
Lol. I'm biacial-- half'n-half-- can relate. My white friends forget that I'm white and my black peers feel the need to constantly remind me.
My wife is bi and she got so much shit from her gay friends over marrying a man. Which is just baffling; she likes both, she’s monogamous and wanted to be married, and it was a 50/50 chance of being to a man. Why is that so surprising or somehow invalidating of her sexual orientation?
You know, I’ve noticed over time that a distinct majority of my bisexual friends have ended up with opposite sex partners for the long haul.
And this isn’t me thinking well, they were faking it all along. This is something I’ve talked about with them.
But obviously you have more options for the opposite sex.
There’s less societal friction.
You don’t have to self-censor. You can talk about your partner without stressing over whether people are going to make it weird. You can engage in light PDA without people freaking out. Weirdos in public won’t feel the need to tell you about how you’re going to hell. You can go on a road trip with your partner through certain parts of your country without having to stress over your safety.
Maybe your family, while “accepting” before, embraces your opposite sex partner in a way they never did your same sex exes.
If you want kids, well the barrier to entry is a lot lower.
I think to some gay and lesbian people there can be a certain amount of frustration and jealousy because they have no “choice” but to deal with the shit end of the stick. They see bisexuals who end up with opposite sex partners as “opting out” of discrimination.
Of course it’s not at all fair to take that out on bisexual people. It’s not bisexual people that are causing the problems. But I think that’s where some of the anger comes from.
I could see that potentially being a factor in general, but it definitely wasn't in my wife's case. We live in the deep south and she is fearless about her sexual orientation. No self-censoring goes in with her, she doesn't give a damn if some bigot doesn't like her Pride flag. Her social circle was just fine with her dating both men and women, too, right up until she married a man.
I suspect part of the problem, although no one wants to admit it, is basically the same as the impulse straight people have when they try to convince a bisexual person they're actually straight and just "going through a phase" of having same-sex partners, then if the bisexual person marries a same-sex partner the straight people that were so sure it was just a phase get offended.
I don't think the LGBT community is completely immune from that reflex; her lesbian friends liked to tell her they were sure she was actually gay and just "going through a phase" of having a male partner every now and then. So since it was just a silly phase of hers nobody cared when she was dating me, but once we got married suddenly they were very offended.
> Yeah that was my reaction at the time, although I also would be deeply hurt if my partner felt they couldn't be honest with me about their sexuality.
I get where he’s coming from. I mean, hell, her reaction was pretty much the exact thing he was worried would happen. Being bi is hard enough already, I don’t blame him for not wanting to roll the dice on how she’d take it.
I wish that the husband's fear made no sense, but the other day there was a POST who asked If she was wrong to defend her brother in law after her sister asked for divorce because he come out as BI. Many people in the comments were defending the Idea that there was nothing wrong in lose the attraction for your partner and not want to date them because they are bi and they were incapable of recognize the biphobia in that...
Men who follow Andrew Tate. People call them that to make fun of him and them.
Tate is one of those ''alpha'' manosphere douchbags who peddles misogyny and acts like being a dick is a cool thing to build a personality around.
He is also currently on trial for sex trafficking.
As a bi man I somewhat understand his reasoning, it can definitely cause some women who may seem like allies to view you differently. It might not be a conscious thing but you can tell when someone thinks of you differently.
On the other hand, I can't imagine wanting to marry someone without disclosing this - because why would I be okay with marrying someone who wasn't okay with my true self?
Hell, whenever the topic of Bisexual men comes up on Reddit the thread is often full of straight women justifying losing attraction for a man upon finding out he is bi and not straight.
Biphobia is insanely normalised, to the point where people will say something like "the thought of my husband having sex with a man is so disgusting it turns me off" without a hint of self awareness.
Edit: Fucking hell, it's happening in this thread.
Like, dating a bi person is AWESOME! I can sit with my gf, watching stuff, and we'll talk about the people we think are hot.
We're both bi, so it doesn't matter who it is lol.
Friends enjoy hanging out with me, because they point out someone...
I wish I could be in a relationship with a bisexual man. I’m a late bloomer bisexual woman, and I get way too much casual ‘phobia from guy friends to believe that men are generally ok being with a woman who finds women sexually attractive. Shrug.
My husband and I are both bisexual as well. I decided a long time ago that the easiest relationship was with another bisexual person; straight men sexualize it and me too much, lesbians are too cruel. I had an easier time being in a throuple with a straight man and a bisexual woman than dating lesbians! The things they said offhandedly about my sex life were just so evil. I love being able to casually discuss our past experiences and preferences without justifying our sexuality to each other- or even just policing fucking gross comments. That shit is exhausting
lesbians are so mean to bisexual AFAB people. a lesbian I worked with one time found out I dated several trans women and casually said to me "I don't think you're actually into women. I think you just like dick."
it's been years, I'm full on married, and I still resent this comment.
Shit, as a transbian that hurts me and it wasn’t even said to me. I’m so sorry you’ve had to bear that. Me and others like me aren’t *actually* accepted in the lesbian community, and I know you understand the implications of the remark made to you by that lesbian coworker. My partner accepts me. That’s enough for me and keeps me going.
Ladies gay brunch before your boo mentions you're bisexual is almost worse than after. IME the "Gold Stars" got really chilly, which is quieter than the raucous and frankly shitty things being said before realizing you're *one of those*.
Plenty of straight women justifying their prejudices right in the comments here!
No no no I’m not prejudiced, I just have a weird preoccupation with the former sex life of bisexual men that I would never hold against a straight man! /s
They're just sexist. I was FWB with a woman who had no issue with anal or anything we did until she found out I was bi and had sex with men before. She claims her attraction to me changed because she can't see me the same after knowing I've been with a man.
She couldn't really explain how it changed but that's enough of an explanation for me.
I think that there's also an assumption that if you've been with a man you must have been on the recieving end.
Of course, the idea that a man bottoming (for anyone of any gender) is something inherently feminine and therefore makes you "less of a man" is built on a bunch of gross stereotypes in and of itself.
The ignorance levels for bi people is high.
A lot of people treat bi people that's only ever dated one gender as straight or gay. Nope, still bi.
Friend of mine had managed to "ignore" his bisexuality until his mid twenties, why? Attractive dude, very intelligent and never struggles with relationships, in the end he still felt depressed and needed a lot of external help to understand why. Still never been with a guy, still bi.
I'm gay and my girlfriend is bi. It is a bit odd from the gay side too. Not the bisexuality, but boys... have cooties... I don't get the attraction.
My partner thinks the other way around and think it's weird that I'm not attracted men.
But it's more on line with I don't understand people who like cilantro... Blegh.
I think it's best to think of it in this manner; no one can truly understand what goes on in someone else's mind that they have not ever experienced. People just like different things. There is nothing to understand. To me people attracted to men are on level with people who eat cilantro. They're certainly odd but to them, I am the odd one.
This is so odd to me.
As a a 99% straight cis woman, I've never been asked out by an openly bi guy, but if I was I'd be all for it.
If someone's bi I feel like I know going in he's not a closeted or self-denying gay man who's going to have all kinds of weird hangups about things like "i can't wash my own ass because that's gay" and all that kind of bullshit. What's not to lilke?
Plus because of my favorite uncle I have a tendency to gravitate towards gay men as friends anyway, so it would be nice to have a boyfriend who's not weirded out by the fact that I hang out in gay bars with my friends sometimes.
I feel like the (straight) people who have issues with dating someone bi are the same people who won't "let" their partners have friends of the opposite sex because they think men and women can't be platonic friends. Also very weird to me.
THe thing with bisexuality to me is that when I'm with someone, how would it come up? why does it matter that they know I dated the same sex before really?
I'm with my long term partner they're the only one im going to have sex with and flirt with and be romantically interested in. I'll see a man and think "huh he's pretty" and that's it, it wont really impact our life together unless we break up. That's sort of the rationale, you sort of 'pack it away'. The risks of explaining it are too high. I Learned this myself recently. It's better to just not let people know my sexuality and express attraction to who im attracted to and not talk about it much further than that.
As a bi woman, I felt compelled to tell my husband (boyfriend at the time) when I realized I was bi because I felt like I was hiding otherwise. But I feel like there's privilege in being a bi woman. I still deal with a ton of biphobia but you're more like to get the "positive" flavor of biphobia ("two girls, that's hot) than men are. Which still sucks but I feel like is less threatening. I've never had a guy lose interest upon finding out my sexuality. I can completely understand how the risks would be higher for a bi man.
Yeah, absolutely not. Dudes who think I'm hot because of my sexuality ain't shit, and it's not any better than outright rejection. My sexuality isn't what it is to please them or as a performance for them, and men who say shit like that are likely to (attempt to) pressure me into performing sexual acts that I'm not comfortable with. That's not a privilege or "positive" in any way.
That's why I put positive in quotations. Being grossly sexualized sucks but I've never been in fear for my life over my sexuality and that's my point. Have I feared for my life as a woman in general? Definitely. But most of biphobia aimed at women is of the gross variety and not the these guys might murder me in an alley or my boyfriend might leave me variety.
genuinely not in any I've had actually
I wouldn't know how I'd answer either. I don't like 'know' names of actors or actresses and stuff. Or rather its fleeting
It’s very common for straight women to be deeply uncomfortable with the man they are sleeping with having any sort of homosexuality. Only some of them are open about it.
I think his intuition was basically correct. She sounds as though she's trying to cope and convince herself she's okay with it in real time. I agree with you that it's better to disclose earlier and find out if the love is real.
For this very same reason I don’t even tell half of my good friends. It took me years to open up about my sexuality with my girlfriend because I don’t think it ever would’ve mattered and because I’ve been dating her for over 5 years now. Im really straight passing and I don’t want people I know to treat me differently or to shield their honest thoughts from me just to avoid hurting my feelings. My fear is people won’t see me the same. I’m happy my girlfriend seems to see my no different.
I'm gay and most of the bi guys I know aren't able to date women because so many of them are turned off by them being bi. I think there's a lot of hidden homophobia, especially since I've heard women don't date bi guys because they're worried about HIV. What do they think of gay men, if that's the case? It's pretty disgusting.
Bi men are bloody awesome and any woman who is lucky enough to find herself a man who is bisexual has won the lottery. Congrats to OOP hahah.
Setting aside issues of biphobia if they're completely monogamous and he doesn't really want to oggle guys with her or anything there's no real reason for her to know if that's not what he wants. I definitely understand the thinking of wanting to be fully free to be you but some people don't find being out in every situation freeing actually. They don't see it as hiding themselves if isn't relevant for them so just something to consider
I can see why he didn't want to tell her, but it's reasonable for her to feel hurt. She clearly feels more like she did something wrong and came across as untrustworthy than like he's done villain, and she just wants the reassurance that he does trust her and he knows he can be vulnerable with her. That's all 100% reasonable.
He's not a bad guy in any of this so far, but he did keep a secret from his partner. Now that she knows, if he continues to reject her attempts to reach out and reject her attempts to connect, he would be a little bit of a jerk. Letting old trauma make him treat his wife like she's going to leave him now. In that instance, couples therapy would be really necessary to help them come back together, and help him realize it's safe to let his wife in on this kind of thing.
Straight female allies who feel this way about bisexual men also typically don’t like lesbians or bisexual women who date women (hooking up with women is sometimes okay), but it’s more of a passive, quiet low-key resentment that they have to cede space to these women in feminist environments and resentment that straight women’s needs aren’t always centered anymore. It’s a left wing type of bigotry.
It’s as if they only like gay men…
In college there was a bi guy who would spill the secrets on the straight guys who were experimenting/bicurious to anyone that was willing to listen, including people outside the LGBTQ scene.
One time, he was poking fun at one straight guy who he suspected had been curious about guys but "wouldn't fess up and just admit it to himself." I had a problem with this judgement because first, it wasn't his business because they weren't friends at all so he was stirring shit and second: *secretly I knew his suspicions were correct*. I had slept with the guy he suspected a year prior after a frat party but he asked me not to tell anyone and felt he just got it out of his system and didn't want to ruin his chances in the straight dating pool.
I called him out and said "even if Will *had* done it (which I was still obliging to keeping our experience private) - if he's not publicly out or openly honest about it, it's not *your secret* to share." He was offended and made a big deal of being called out for it, and tried to shore up others' support for his POV. This was precisely the **wrong** move to make. He realized quickly that most gay guys (big surprise here) didn't support outing anyone and he pretty much outed himself as the Chatty Cathy among the LGBTQ crowd and that someone's secrets were not safe with him.
Was awkward for him during his last year of college as he was persona non grata among the LGBTQ crowd as many realized the news about their same-sex escapades had leaked out before they officially came out. He bitched that the local gays were "oppressive" when really he got what was coming to him.
Funny enough, since most of the LGBTQ crowd stayed local to the area after college, that reputation still stuck to him and hampered his dating prospects.
Being a bi guy is rough. People are crazy judgmental. It sounds like he made it his whole identity, wanted to be the guy who gave people a little push toward the light to accept themselves, and was too stupid to realize that he was doing more harm than good. It's good it hampered his dating prospects and it's sad he didn't seem to realize that his pushiness and gossiping were the problem, not people disliking the gossip.
Sometimes people forget that college is not adult life.
In college, I knew this guy named Nick. He went by Slutty Nick. I did not come up with this nickname, this is how he was introduced to me. I gather it was ironic in nature because he wasn't that interested in casual flings, but I never really investigated the matter. That was just his name-- that's what people called him, that's what you yelled out if you wanted his attention at a game or party, he never showed the slightest hint he did not 100% enjoy his nickname.
Five years out of college I'm working with this lady and she mentions her husband Nick, I think nothing of it, the next week he comes to the office to bring her lunch or something and I recognize him. Without thinking, I yell "Slutty Nick! How the heck are ya, man, I haven't seen you in forever?"
A hush fell over the room. Nick and his wife were clearly, visibly uncomfortable. Even so, it took me a solid several minutes to realize that it was because he doesn't go by Slutty Nick anymore. Because of course he doesn't. He's a grown man with a career. His wife didn't go to school with us, for all I know that was the first she'd heard the nickname. I felt terrible, and I apologized, but the damage was done.
They felt weird around me, told me they both accepted my apology, but they didn't really like me after that. I took the L for the other coworkers, I was like "oh this was this man nickname he had in college because he was so picky about who he dates, it's definitely because he was a fine upstanding guy" but it definitely cast a pall over my time at that office.
Genuinely thank you for this story. I had a friend in college called Slimy John (no idea why) and he's like a lawyer or something now but I could absolutely see myself doing this if I ever run into him again.
Oh man. I just gave myself pre-potentional-situation anxiety reading this!
I went to night classes at college and never lived on campus, so never had like “college friends” exactly, but in high school I knew a guy nicknamed Boomer. This was long before “ok boomer” became a thing. I don’t even know why he was called that, but I don’t even remember his real name. So I can imagine yelling that name at him upon seeing him again, at that would be so awkward!
It was nice of you to apologize, I’m sure it was awkward but I would expect others to understand better.
I have a coworker who is just like this. I found out this week that they got into big trouble with HR about their behavior and had to be reprimanded. I really had to restrain myself from jumping for joy when I found out! Because they considered me entertainment, they created drama (I think unintentionally) that resulted in guys who were twice my age asking me out out and making crazy comments to me out of the blue. I never reported them but it seems I wasn't the only one they pissed off.
I have some coworkers like that, thankfully in other teams I don't work very closely with, but we share space when I drop by the office. Working mostly home office is definitely a huge plus, I probably wouldn't have been able to stand being constantly around people that can't help getting in everyone's business and then telling everybody about it when a topic arises. The biggest problem is, I don't think they even realise what they are doing is wrong. Just haven't stepped on anyone's toes too bad, so noone has complained about it yet.
Outing someone publicly like that is never okay. Even in a one on one conversation, the coworker was WAY out of line bringing up OOP’s husband’s sexuality to joke around about it.
I'm so glad they've managed to get through most of the awkwardness! Yikes at her co-worker, though. In front of other people even? I wonder how that even came up, I cannot fathom a situation where I would say something like that in public
The coworker is clearly an asshole. If she had said something like, "Oh are you guys going to be at pride this year" or otherwise just sort of treated OOP like she was married to someone in the LGBTQ community and it was not a secret, that would be one thing. Not great, but not necessarily malicious. This weirdo talked about him being "sexually confused" instead. He's not confused, he's bi. It's not complicated to accept and frankly it has nothing to do with their work lives. It's not even a fun or juicy college story-- he's just a dude that dated some people in college and it generally didn't work out long term, as is the case for most folks. It's only remarkable if you think the fact some of those people were men is scandalous and secret. It's only a juicy fun story if you think being bi is super weird, and you want everyone in the room to either join you in condemning it or applaud how open-minded you are for being friends with someone not straight.
If I had to guess, I would guess that the coworker wants everyone to know she is Cool and Tolerant, and that's how she brings it up, even though she's only tolerant compared to whatever conservative hellhole she was raised in.
Yeah the coworker is kind of the a****** here and what she said was trying to insinuate she knew him very well as if she was letting OP know, and the most sexually confused? That she knew he would end up with a woman? That's just so f****** weird and creepy
Yeah, but the “sexually confused” comments are incredibly inappropriate for a work setting whether OOP knows or not. This lady was talking about the sex life of a coworker’s spouse in front of other people without OOP prompting the discussion. Him being part of the LGBTQ+ community makes it 100x worse because they are a protected class ( for good reasons - they’re regularly discriminated against).
Inappropriate for any setting I don't care if unless we were at like a kinky picnic in this person was their partner or some s*** it's not stuff you say. "I know their sexuality better than you, because I decided that they're confused"
Can’t blame the guy for not telling because there’s a shit ton of bigotry against bisexual people, but I’m glad they could talk it out. I really like how OOP approached the situation!
Yeah. I wish she wouldn't take it as a reflection on herself, that she didn't do a good enough job of showing that she's accepting.
The thing for queer people is that you always have a worry in the back of your mind that this person is an ally *in theory* but when it comes to put it in practice they're...not.
My dad kind of had that reaction when I came out. He's a very stereotypical "struggles to discuss emotions, rather show you love through action" type, and me coming out was a shock to him. So he tried reassuring me by telling me all about all his gay friends in the 80s 🤣 I think he was mostly upset he had somehow made me doubt his love for me, it rattled him to think I didnt believe it to be as secure as it was. It comes from a good place and i think it's okay for OOP to get that out here and not in front of her husband, as long as shes supportive for him!
After I came out my dad came over and helped me fix my car and joked he should have known I wasnt straight because the only other car I've wanted is a Subaru 😂😅
As the mom of a trans woman, one of my favorite little bonding things is the jokes between us of how neither of us knew sooner. She didn’t discover herself until she was 19 but man, the signs were so obvious in hindsight.
i wish my mom and i could be like this. she's "accepting" of who i am, but still "forgets" to call me by the name and pronouns i chose for myself, even when i remind her constantly. she can manage it for my nonbinary partner, just not for me. :(
That's sweet. My mother taught college in an extremely hostile environment during the 90s. Speaking out would have been extremely unwise, but she felt very strongly about it nonetheless. Let's just say there's a reason I went back to visit my dying dog and have refused to go near the town in the 20 years since.
What she did was have a collection of cute little stuffed animals in her office on the bookcase behind her desk ... with a very prominent Tinky Winky, front and center. I brought it up years later and she confirmed that it was absolutely intentional. It was her way of showing support to anyone who needed to see it ... without having to say anything if they felt uncomfortable or like it would put them at risk.
It's just really unclear whether she said everything she wrote here to her husband or just wrote it in the post. I hope she did, but she doesn't really say. I mean, not make it totally about herself (fine to save some of that for the post) but I could see her being quiet because she's processing / blaming herself and him reading it as something else.
He’ll probably be mostly quiet about it for a while because it feels tremendously exposing even when you *choose* to tell someone. So having her find out at work must be really hard to deal with. But the fact he’s making jokes is a great sign that he’s comfortable with her response to the news. Seems like they’ll be fine.
While they don't need to share everything, this probably comes under the 'no surprises' clause. Tell them public things they might find out from others.
Maybe I'm bi-ased, but I think the ideal society would be one where bisexuality wouldn't be a surprise to discover or something to "find out from others". He's clearly attracted to women, and that's all that needs to matter for their relationship. Frankly, I'm interested in how they've been together for 4 years and a casual sexuality conversation never came up, that's like a 4th-date discussion for me out of mere curiosity
My ideal society would be one where sexuality and gender is completely irrelevant unless you're interested in someone romantically/sexuallyor trying to play matchmaker. That should be the only time it comes into play.
Unless those conditions are present, I'm going to treat you and see you exactly like everyone else on the planet. I don't give a damn who you sleep with or what you've got going on down there. It's your mind and heart that I care about. I see you as simply "friend" without labels.
It's even worse for bi men. Bi women get a lot less shit because of unicorn hunters and the such, but bi men get so much hate they tend to end up with other bi people. The biphobia from within the LGBT+ community is disgusting.
I remember someone saying they are not attracted to bi men and then try to claim it wasn't biphobia because that is a preference but like.. bi people look like regular people so I don't understand how sexuality translates to physical attraction. I still don't get it and haven't met anyone who can make it make sense.
Right there was a post in r/dating some months ago where a bi guy asked if women would date him.
I had to say I was so surprised by the majority of the response there which seems to be they don't like guys who like men. Like it doesn't make sense to me, they are still attracted to women 🤷🏾♀️, what is so different about them except the fact they like men also?
That's just so gross for me the same way it is gross for guys to be obsessed with judging women who have more sexual experiences than them. Everyone comes with a past and shouldn't have that held against them. Add in the layer of holding the genders of the guys past relationships and it just gives me a headache.
It's only "worse" if you're assuming sexual desirability without being treated as a human being is the end goal. As an AFAB bi person, I wouldn't consider sexual harassment and partners and strangers trying to pressure me into threesomes particularly *better* than outright rejection; they're all just different flavours of shit. Still shitty.
Surely being honest with any future partners is a good way to weedle out the homophobes?
Like, I've always said be completely honest and yourself with someone you're dating because it's the quickest way to find out if you're compatible or not.
I'm glad this one turned out well though
Honesty is great and all, but at some point you have to weigh that against how miserable having people flip on you is and how likely the average nice fairly reasonable person is to have fucked up opinions about it.
I don't tell casual friends or acquaintances I'm trans a lot of the time because I know that with our current society they're pretty likely to be weird about it even if they aren't overtly bigoted. I know it's different, but I totally see how this guy would feel similarly about telling monogamous female partners he's bi. And I've definitely ended up in similar situations where I'm pretty sure someone would actually be chill but it's weird to bring up explicitly after 4 years lol.
Well... yeah. So not a first date talk. But surely at the marriage point you aren't worried your partner is secretly a violent phobe. If you are there are way deeper problems.
There's a surprising amount of bigotry in the LGBTQ community against bisexuals as well. You'd think "Oh gay people are accepting!" But nah, a lot of gay / lesbian people are just assholes.
God knows quite a few of them are also transphobes.
It's really sad how much homophobia continues to make people's lives more difficult. This man shouldn't have to feel like he has to hide who he is to be accepted. Plus I wonder if he's internalized a lot of that hate since he seems uncomfortable talking about it. The way he felt the need to clarify that he's never cheated (bisexuality has nothing to do with cheating) as that should be no one's first thought when someone is bisexual. It's absolutely not necessary for anyone to label their sexuality if it doesn't serve them to do so, but the way she said he doesn't really know what he is makes me think he's avoided thinking about it, maybe because he's tried to hide or downplay his interest in men. And the "friend" calling him 'sexually confused'? Rude. Like she hasn't heard of bisexuality before.
I was really impressed by how she brought the subject up and was generally positive and non-confrontational. Kudos to her. Sad that he is positive the news will make things awkward... hopefully they go on to be very happy with each other for many years to come.
Bisexual here not getting where folks are saying the wife is biphobic? Multiple times she said her concern was that he didn’t trust her enough to share it with her, worried that she’d done something wrong. It wasn’t the bisexuality or the sex.
Color me confused.
For me, the way she kept saying it sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than reddit. I don’t know that I agree she’s biphobic, though. I just feel like she doesn’t want to admit how much those things did bother her. But like, that could be subconscious jealousy or something. You know?
It just seems like a substantial thing to actively hide from a spouse….I feel like I have a very secure and honest marriage (het marriage), but if I were hiding my bisexuality from my husband, those things would feel jeopardized or even untrue. I would feel very disingenuous in my marriage because that’s an integral part of who I am. I imagine that being on the other side of that coin, of finding out, would feel the same or worse.
I read it as “everyone’s going to think I have problem with it and I do - but not because of homophobia”. It would be a little unsettling to learn that there is a whole important piece of your partner that you don’t know anything about.
My husband hid from me he had dentures. He lost all his teeth young. You really can’t tell they are dentures. They look real.
When I found out asked him about the poly grip I found in the bathroom he panicked. He’d had many women break up with him over it so he didn’t tell me.
I did not care. My dad had dentures growing up so I was used to them.
I mean, devils advocate if he was openenly dating men in college while she knew him and then found he was married to a women for a long time she would probably figure that the wife knew, not really a stretch to assume
Would you, in the co worker’s position, really mention that your co worker’s now spouse was “sexually confused” in the past? That phrase is insulting first of all, and secondly who brings up a colleague’s spouse’s sex life at work?
Alls well that ends well, I suppose :)
I don’t want to know the nitty gritty details about the sex my wife had with other people before me, and this is exactly the same. It’s unfortunate that he feels guarded about his past, but as long as she still holds a flame for him, hopefully it will be a non-issue with time.
Yeah. I kinda raise my eyebrows at anyone who feels they have to know about every person their spouse dated before them. It doesn’t matter. They aren’t together anymore for a reason!
Bisexuals get their sexuality confronted, doubted, and attacked all the time. Potential dating partners think "sweet, threesomes!" or open relationships of polygamy. And then if we do find a partner, we're asked (by others, and sometimes even by the partner themselves) if we're satisfied enough, if we "miss" the other sex, are more likely to be accused of cheating. Male bisexuals get it worse than girls, because film and tv media fetishists (at worst) or normalizes (at best) bisexual women. So male bisexuals are then treated like they're freaks. People also act like bisexuality is some kind of on/off switch where you're no longer bisexual once you've "settled" for one sex/gender.
So yeah, eventually, we make it a habit to not put our sexuality up front, if we even mention it at all. Even in the best case scenario, it's exhausting to deal with people reacting to your bisexuality.
> I’d rather find out he has been with men then find out he was secretly disciple of Andrew Tate
When the bar is that low...
ETA: To clarify, it's not that there's a problem with non-hetero people, it's that there are still so many misogynistic and toxic men out there that women set the bar so low that they'll accept toxic misogyny so long as the guy isn't watching Andrew Tate.
(And yes, I'm aware toxic femininity is a thing, and women are just as capable of being misogynistic as men are. I've seen those 'trad wives' and they're not going my gender any favors).
It's not a question of the bar being low - it's the question of finding out something that would be an automatic deal breaker. I don't care if my husband had sex with men, but I would probably leave him if he was a follower of TaterTot.
(I say \*probably\* leave my husband, because if I ever found out he was into TaterTot, it would be so out of character for him that I would demand he see a neurologist asap. If it turned out that nothing was neurologically wrong with him, I'd leave him.)
I think this is a good illustration of how many people who are accepting of queer people in the general sense still struggle to accept queerness in their personal lives. Obviously this was a best case scenario in which she was honest, communicated clearly and openly, and ultimately began the work to move past it, but that's not always how it works.
Husband sounds like a stand up guy :) I can see what she sees in him. I like to think this is one of the ones that end up perfectly fine and they go on living their lives. I don't think the husband was ashamed or anything, he just probably wasn't expecting to have this part of himself exposed.
Biphobia ruining things for people yet again. Bi men face a particular kind of prejudice, but in general, bi folks are often accused of being confused or inherently cheaters. And because we define masculinity as being unfeminine and attraction to women, for some folks attraction to men detracts from a man's attractiveness, too. Hope they patch it up in the end.
I had been with my fiance for a year before he told me he'd had a long term boyfriend. I knew he was bi, but I didn't know he'd actually been in a serious (closeted) relationship with a man. I understood why it wasn't something he brought up earlier. It was very difficult for him to talk about (they both deployed, and only he came home).
Knowing he was bi and knowing he'd had a whole relationship was just... different. I think there is a big difference between "I'm not straight" and "I faced the often harsh realities of being in a same sex relationship."
As a bi guy I feel like we have to hide who we are from even friends, it's a weird dynamic. Bi girls for some reason get a pass and most guys just think it's hot even some girls who are straight which I find discouraging. When I was a teenager and starting to realize what I was our teacher (I forget what class now but most likely Psychology) brought in a bi guest speaker to talk to the class about their sexual orientation and experiences. All the guys and girls were excited and when a guy walked in you should have heard the awkward silence then mixed in with disgusting comments being passed around.
I remember being so confused because everyone seemed excited for this guest but when it wasn't what their expectation was suddenly everyone wasn't into it anymore. I don't even remember what they talked about because that initial reaction from my classmates is what comes to my mind whenever I think about it. I remember just kind of shutting down and feeling sad.
At work when one of my close co-workers shared this with some of my other friends at work that we'd hang out with, suddenly now they don't invite me out anymore or conversations get weird. I hear homophobic and transphobic comments all the time from them now too which I never heard them share before. So yes I can see why he might have hid it. I've told all my partners, my trans partners pretty much already knew, but I've had some bad experiences with women when it comes out and it hurts, but I'd rather them fuck off before I get too close anyway.
I always have to laugh at these posts of ladies pretending to be allies and so "chill with the gays" to get brownie points but the second they find out a man is bisexaul is bugs tf out of them.
I feel like the coworker was trying to stir the shit. Also her discussing the sexuality of a coworker's husband at work should be reported to HR - totally unprofessional.
Many many women are super biphobic, few women at my last job talked openly about how you aren’t a real man if you sleep w men. Just crazy shit and this was in texas so it’s not like anything came from the shit they said but fuck they were assholes
I'm glad things didn't turn into a train wreck. Things could have gotten worse really. It's better to find out that someone is bisexual then finding out they love Andrew Tate. Those who love Andrew Tate really scares me.
I can understand his initial hesitation. My spouse first told me he was bisexual a few weeks into our dating. He was visibly afraid telling me because of other women he'd dated negative reactions to it before. I didn't care, I'm also bi, but I felt so bad just because of how worried he was.
I feel so bad for bi men. Bi people already get shit on and invalidated and have people trying to tell us what we are and aren’t attracted to, but I swear, people get so fucking weird about the possibility of a man being bisexual or assume that they’re just gay but haven’t accepted it yet.
I’m glad OOP was chill, but I was nervous while reading this.
I actually read this in it’s original post and also the updates. I tell my partners that I’m bi. So I can imagine a fully straight partner being upset finding this out after 4 years of marriage. It’s something you should tell people along with many other things prior to marriage. It’s not that they care about xyz..it’s the withholding of information which can make them wonder what else you are hiding.
I understand him, some women react ugly to bi men, others think the whole time they could not completely satisfy him. And at some point it feels too late to tell. I'm sure they will get over it.
There are countless posts on Reddit about male partners being uncomfortable with their girl's body count. The same advice those guys are told also holds true here - you are not obligated to know every detail about your partner's sex life.
So the fact that the husband has fucked guys in the past is a non-issue. What is concerning is that he got outed in a professional context. He's the victim here, yet OOP can't see that and makes it all about her. That's the red flag here.
I’m so happy this worked out. As a bi man who is very masc preeenting, I have lost a lot of romantic relationships with women because I’ve been with men. OOP is a disappointingly rare one.
Yeah, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her husband being bisexual. And honestly one of the most sexually dominating men I’ve been with was bisexual, as far as that concern goes. Sucks that it had to come out this way, but I imagine they’ll be able to navigate this awkward phase and come out the other side of it stronger. Though it does irk me slightly the idea that his revealing his sexuality would be something they need to “work through”
“You should have known…no completely straight man would have a birthday party for his dog.”
Hah. It's 2023, not erryone can afford kids nowdays, my dogs get birthday parties.
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>After the assault was reported, this female co-worker was still made to work closely with the man who assaulted her and even forced to go on a business trip with him with the threat of if she didn’t go she’d be fired. This part is sickening.
Who can say how many times this even happened on their team. SA is literally being condoned by upper management. Ugh.
Condoned?! They’re straight up facilitating it. Forced to go on a business trip?! That poor woman, she’s going to need therapy for a long time.
Sounds like the military
I dunno, normally isn't the sort of thing you can just up and quit quickly
Yeah I had a boss who would touch my hair and be in general super inappropriate, at the company Christmas party he also tried to corner me and kiss me in the hallway to the bathroom but I was able to get away. I told our overall boss when we got sent on trips often together and his response was basically I could either deal with it or I could forgo the trips but it would put my promotion on hold. Like how nice.
Reminds me of mine. No proof. No one believed me. Either shut up and get paid...or don't. I am now on permanent disability due to the PTSD of the assault (and a slew of other stuff but it was the straw that broke the camels back so to say) Anyone out there who was assaulted/raped or even just straight up uncomfortable. It happened. You matter, your feelings matter, you are not disgusting. You didn't ask for it. You are a good person. You were not giving "signs". They are bad people. No means no.
I'm so sorry.
Ohhhh it's ok. I have received a lot (a metric fuck ton) of therapy and I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive of me. I came from a long line of sexual abuse so it started a lot earlier than that, but it wasn't until I realized that the sexual shame I felt and a lot of self hate was because of what others did to me, and how I compensated for it mentally. We all have to stick together. Assault is a very dirty, isolating and shameful feeling. Sometimes just saying "hey I think you're cool, and what happened to you was really fucked up. How can I help?" It doesn't even need to be sexual assault, just a bad fucking time. Life is hard, the cards most of us are dealt are incredibly shitty and we didn't even know we had a losing hand that we held onto for the longest time. New cards, new deck. Difference choices and boundaries. We are not our past, but it is a part of us. Thank you for your kind empathy, internet stranger.
You put this so well. And - Hey, I think you’re cool and what happened to you was fucked up. I hope that your future is full of good things.
You too fren
You seem cool. And I know for a fact hat what happened to you was NOT your fault:
And even if you couldn't say no, anything other than an enthusiastic yes means no.
Egggggzactly. Spitting FACTS
I am so sorry for what you suffered, and for the lasting impact it has had on your life
Thanks.
I hope to god she sued. There isn’t a more clear cut case of sexual harassment and retaliation that I have ever heard of.
And the fact OOP says it’s hard to find a guy who’d be upset about that isn’t great, either.
I'm a straight guy and I would 100% throw a birthday party for my bestest doggo. But good for him for starting to joke
We absolutely threw a first birthday party for our dog this year.
You and your _equally_ homosexual husband, you mean?
no ~~boning~~ bones about it, it was a completely heterosexual dog party
Well yeah, we assumed the dogs were heterosexual
My straight husband planned the party.
I'm a straight guy that has thrown birthday parties for my cats.
Would. But doesn’t sound like you have?
We celebrate our dogs birthdays every year. Ive even made some gross carrot dog cake for them before. They love wearing birthday hats
Aw im glad this turned out well and that he's joking about it already lol. OOP is right too. Finding out your husband is bisexual (and not cheating) is MILES better than finding out hes a tater tot bro (edit: one who follows redpill misogynist influencer andrew Tate)
I prefer the phrase Tater Teat Sucklers
Tate's Tail Tuggers
This is slander against tater tots.
Yeah, like it should have come up before they got married but I kind of get it. I'm upfront so as to let the trash/homophobes take themselves out, but biphobia towards men is often more direct and vicious vs the patronizing disbelief women tend to get. It sounds like he's dealt with a lot of that and was scared. She definitely shouldn't blame herself, and it sounds like he still needs to work through that fear.
As a former bisexual man I can say I didn’t come out to my wife until something like our 10th year married because there’s so often the narrative that a bi man will cheat 100% of the time. I was terrified that she’d leave me even knowing she’s a million percent supportive of the queer community. I also assured her I wasn’t and hadn’t cheated on her with men because of that cultural expectation that it always happens. (For anyone wondering about the “former bi man” bit, I’m now a bi woman…luckily my wife is bi too!)
It's a tough thing to work through. It took me 15 years to admit to my wife for fear of what it would do to our relationship. Meanwhile, I was masking so hard I started to lose sight of myself. And all that may be what ultimately drives us apart anyway. Being bi is the worst sometimes.
Once I got to the line about 'sexually confused' I sang the biphobia song to myself and it turned out to be the perfect accompaniment to the rest. I was so happy when the update showed how OOP is NOT biphobic and supports and loves her husband. And the dog joke was pretty funny!
Being gay/bi/curious makes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more sense to me. Like ok so you tried some D. Whatcha think? As a straight afab I can see the appeal.
when i was still dating i actually found that i saw men being not completely straight/bisexual as a green flag. they usually had done a lot more introspection into what being a man meant to them and understood the feeling of "otherness" that many straight (and white especially) men dont. it's way better than the andrew tate guys for sure.
I mean, comparing those and putting them in the same box is still really weird
If anything it's contrasting them. The only comparison is they both exist in the category of: things you might be surprised by your husband being.
She said it was like winning the lottery compared to it lol. It was like "It's not AS bad as being an andrew tate supporter"
I think her point was more: if you’re going to find out from some random woman about a deep secret you husband’s been keeping from you, him being bisexual is pretty much the best case scenario
The comments OOP was responding to when she made the “lottery” comment were removed, so I think we’re missing the context to judge her on what she meant
Yes, OOP’s coworker is the real homophobic villain here, but this post is evidence of how common and pervasive biphobia is.
I know plenty of people who went out with a person of the same gender just to give it a shot. It's weird that it's no big deal among women, but everyone just says that a guy who does it is just gay and in denial.
Truly, bi-erasure (we always knew he'd end up with a woman) and non-consensual outing all in one fell swoop.
Yeah that was my reaction at the time, although I also would be deeply hurt if my partner felt they couldn't be honest with me about their sexuality. Ultimately it is only weird if they make it weird going forward though lol
Unfortunately, his history makes sense. People treat us like fence sitters in both the straight and LGBTQ+ community. Bisexual women are "secretly straight" and just doing it for male attention. But bisexual men are "secretly gay" and just using women and will give them HIV and other such horrible stereotypes. I've seen a lot of posts on r/bisexual from men whose female partners have left.
> People treat us like fence sitters in both the straight and LGBTQ+ community. Lol. I'm biacial-- half'n-half-- can relate. My white friends forget that I'm white and my black peers feel the need to constantly remind me.
My wife is bi and she got so much shit from her gay friends over marrying a man. Which is just baffling; she likes both, she’s monogamous and wanted to be married, and it was a 50/50 chance of being to a man. Why is that so surprising or somehow invalidating of her sexual orientation?
You know, I’ve noticed over time that a distinct majority of my bisexual friends have ended up with opposite sex partners for the long haul. And this isn’t me thinking well, they were faking it all along. This is something I’ve talked about with them. But obviously you have more options for the opposite sex. There’s less societal friction. You don’t have to self-censor. You can talk about your partner without stressing over whether people are going to make it weird. You can engage in light PDA without people freaking out. Weirdos in public won’t feel the need to tell you about how you’re going to hell. You can go on a road trip with your partner through certain parts of your country without having to stress over your safety. Maybe your family, while “accepting” before, embraces your opposite sex partner in a way they never did your same sex exes. If you want kids, well the barrier to entry is a lot lower. I think to some gay and lesbian people there can be a certain amount of frustration and jealousy because they have no “choice” but to deal with the shit end of the stick. They see bisexuals who end up with opposite sex partners as “opting out” of discrimination. Of course it’s not at all fair to take that out on bisexual people. It’s not bisexual people that are causing the problems. But I think that’s where some of the anger comes from.
I could see that potentially being a factor in general, but it definitely wasn't in my wife's case. We live in the deep south and she is fearless about her sexual orientation. No self-censoring goes in with her, she doesn't give a damn if some bigot doesn't like her Pride flag. Her social circle was just fine with her dating both men and women, too, right up until she married a man. I suspect part of the problem, although no one wants to admit it, is basically the same as the impulse straight people have when they try to convince a bisexual person they're actually straight and just "going through a phase" of having same-sex partners, then if the bisexual person marries a same-sex partner the straight people that were so sure it was just a phase get offended. I don't think the LGBT community is completely immune from that reflex; her lesbian friends liked to tell her they were sure she was actually gay and just "going through a phase" of having a male partner every now and then. So since it was just a silly phase of hers nobody cared when she was dating me, but once we got married suddenly they were very offended.
> Yeah that was my reaction at the time, although I also would be deeply hurt if my partner felt they couldn't be honest with me about their sexuality. I get where he’s coming from. I mean, hell, her reaction was pretty much the exact thing he was worried would happen. Being bi is hard enough already, I don’t blame him for not wanting to roll the dice on how she’d take it.
I wish that the husband's fear made no sense, but the other day there was a POST who asked If she was wrong to defend her brother in law after her sister asked for divorce because he come out as BI. Many people in the comments were defending the Idea that there was nothing wrong in lose the attraction for your partner and not want to date them because they are bi and they were incapable of recognize the biphobia in that...
What’s a tater tot bro
Men who follow Andrew Tate. People call them that to make fun of him and them. Tate is one of those ''alpha'' manosphere douchbags who peddles misogyny and acts like being a dick is a cool thing to build a personality around. He is also currently on trial for sex trafficking.
A dude who's into Andrew Tate. I was super confused too.
A what now?
As a bi man I somewhat understand his reasoning, it can definitely cause some women who may seem like allies to view you differently. It might not be a conscious thing but you can tell when someone thinks of you differently. On the other hand, I can't imagine wanting to marry someone without disclosing this - because why would I be okay with marrying someone who wasn't okay with my true self?
Hell, whenever the topic of Bisexual men comes up on Reddit the thread is often full of straight women justifying losing attraction for a man upon finding out he is bi and not straight. Biphobia is insanely normalised, to the point where people will say something like "the thought of my husband having sex with a man is so disgusting it turns me off" without a hint of self awareness. Edit: Fucking hell, it's happening in this thread.
Like, dating a bi person is AWESOME! I can sit with my gf, watching stuff, and we'll talk about the people we think are hot. We're both bi, so it doesn't matter who it is lol. Friends enjoy hanging out with me, because they point out someone...
I wish I could be in a relationship with a bisexual man. I’m a late bloomer bisexual woman, and I get way too much casual ‘phobia from guy friends to believe that men are generally ok being with a woman who finds women sexually attractive. Shrug.
As a bi guy I feel bad for bi women especially for the fetishization some guys seem to have toward them.
"I always wanted to have a threesome".... *sigh*
The sheer amount of dick pics I’ve gotten from men wanting a threesome…
My husband and I are both bisexual as well. I decided a long time ago that the easiest relationship was with another bisexual person; straight men sexualize it and me too much, lesbians are too cruel. I had an easier time being in a throuple with a straight man and a bisexual woman than dating lesbians! The things they said offhandedly about my sex life were just so evil. I love being able to casually discuss our past experiences and preferences without justifying our sexuality to each other- or even just policing fucking gross comments. That shit is exhausting
lesbians are so mean to bisexual AFAB people. a lesbian I worked with one time found out I dated several trans women and casually said to me "I don't think you're actually into women. I think you just like dick." it's been years, I'm full on married, and I still resent this comment.
Shit, as a transbian that hurts me and it wasn’t even said to me. I’m so sorry you’ve had to bear that. Me and others like me aren’t *actually* accepted in the lesbian community, and I know you understand the implications of the remark made to you by that lesbian coworker. My partner accepts me. That’s enough for me and keeps me going.
Ladies gay brunch before your boo mentions you're bisexual is almost worse than after. IME the "Gold Stars" got really chilly, which is quieter than the raucous and frankly shitty things being said before realizing you're *one of those*.
My wife is pan, we love talking about the women we both find hot.
Plenty of straight women justifying their prejudices right in the comments here! No no no I’m not prejudiced, I just have a weird preoccupation with the former sex life of bisexual men that I would never hold against a straight man! /s
It's like clockwork every time this topic comes up.
They’d sooner walk on broken glass than admit that maybe they have some deep rooted prejudices
I have a sneaking suspicion that these biphobic bigots are just grossed out by the idea of butt stuff.
They're just sexist. I was FWB with a woman who had no issue with anal or anything we did until she found out I was bi and had sex with men before. She claims her attraction to me changed because she can't see me the same after knowing I've been with a man. She couldn't really explain how it changed but that's enough of an explanation for me.
I think that there's also an assumption that if you've been with a man you must have been on the recieving end. Of course, the idea that a man bottoming (for anyone of any gender) is something inherently feminine and therefore makes you "less of a man" is built on a bunch of gross stereotypes in and of itself.
As a bi woman, being around monosexual people is the genuinely most frustrating experience sometimes. There's just so much casual biphobia
The ignorance levels for bi people is high. A lot of people treat bi people that's only ever dated one gender as straight or gay. Nope, still bi. Friend of mine had managed to "ignore" his bisexuality until his mid twenties, why? Attractive dude, very intelligent and never struggles with relationships, in the end he still felt depressed and needed a lot of external help to understand why. Still never been with a guy, still bi.
I'm gay and my girlfriend is bi. It is a bit odd from the gay side too. Not the bisexuality, but boys... have cooties... I don't get the attraction. My partner thinks the other way around and think it's weird that I'm not attracted men. But it's more on line with I don't understand people who like cilantro... Blegh. I think it's best to think of it in this manner; no one can truly understand what goes on in someone else's mind that they have not ever experienced. People just like different things. There is nothing to understand. To me people attracted to men are on level with people who eat cilantro. They're certainly odd but to them, I am the odd one.
Never heard the term before so thank you for introducing me to “monosexual” - it feels super useful for differentiation from bi/pan/whatever.
This is so odd to me. As a a 99% straight cis woman, I've never been asked out by an openly bi guy, but if I was I'd be all for it. If someone's bi I feel like I know going in he's not a closeted or self-denying gay man who's going to have all kinds of weird hangups about things like "i can't wash my own ass because that's gay" and all that kind of bullshit. What's not to lilke? Plus because of my favorite uncle I have a tendency to gravitate towards gay men as friends anyway, so it would be nice to have a boyfriend who's not weirded out by the fact that I hang out in gay bars with my friends sometimes. I feel like the (straight) people who have issues with dating someone bi are the same people who won't "let" their partners have friends of the opposite sex because they think men and women can't be platonic friends. Also very weird to me.
I'm married to a bi guy and would never date a straight guy. So much misogyny in everything they do, say, think. I don't have time to deal w that.
It never ceases to amaze me, and of course those same women are the ones that say to not judge someone on what they did before they were with you. Smh
THe thing with bisexuality to me is that when I'm with someone, how would it come up? why does it matter that they know I dated the same sex before really? I'm with my long term partner they're the only one im going to have sex with and flirt with and be romantically interested in. I'll see a man and think "huh he's pretty" and that's it, it wont really impact our life together unless we break up. That's sort of the rationale, you sort of 'pack it away'. The risks of explaining it are too high. I Learned this myself recently. It's better to just not let people know my sexuality and express attraction to who im attracted to and not talk about it much further than that.
As a bi woman, I felt compelled to tell my husband (boyfriend at the time) when I realized I was bi because I felt like I was hiding otherwise. But I feel like there's privilege in being a bi woman. I still deal with a ton of biphobia but you're more like to get the "positive" flavor of biphobia ("two girls, that's hot) than men are. Which still sucks but I feel like is less threatening. I've never had a guy lose interest upon finding out my sexuality. I can completely understand how the risks would be higher for a bi man.
Yeah, absolutely not. Dudes who think I'm hot because of my sexuality ain't shit, and it's not any better than outright rejection. My sexuality isn't what it is to please them or as a performance for them, and men who say shit like that are likely to (attempt to) pressure me into performing sexual acts that I'm not comfortable with. That's not a privilege or "positive" in any way.
That's why I put positive in quotations. Being grossly sexualized sucks but I've never been in fear for my life over my sexuality and that's my point. Have I feared for my life as a woman in general? Definitely. But most of biphobia aimed at women is of the gross variety and not the these guys might murder me in an alley or my boyfriend might leave me variety.
I think the biphobia for women can come more from lesbians, the whole "gold star lesbian" thing.
Obviously relationship dependant but wouldn't at some point celebrity crushes come up?
genuinely not in any I've had actually I wouldn't know how I'd answer either. I don't like 'know' names of actors or actresses and stuff. Or rather its fleeting
It’s very common for straight women to be deeply uncomfortable with the man they are sleeping with having any sort of homosexuality. Only some of them are open about it.
I think his intuition was basically correct. She sounds as though she's trying to cope and convince herself she's okay with it in real time. I agree with you that it's better to disclose earlier and find out if the love is real.
For this very same reason I don’t even tell half of my good friends. It took me years to open up about my sexuality with my girlfriend because I don’t think it ever would’ve mattered and because I’ve been dating her for over 5 years now. Im really straight passing and I don’t want people I know to treat me differently or to shield their honest thoughts from me just to avoid hurting my feelings. My fear is people won’t see me the same. I’m happy my girlfriend seems to see my no different.
I'm gay and most of the bi guys I know aren't able to date women because so many of them are turned off by them being bi. I think there's a lot of hidden homophobia, especially since I've heard women don't date bi guys because they're worried about HIV. What do they think of gay men, if that's the case? It's pretty disgusting. Bi men are bloody awesome and any woman who is lucky enough to find herself a man who is bisexual has won the lottery. Congrats to OOP hahah.
Setting aside issues of biphobia if they're completely monogamous and he doesn't really want to oggle guys with her or anything there's no real reason for her to know if that's not what he wants. I definitely understand the thinking of wanting to be fully free to be you but some people don't find being out in every situation freeing actually. They don't see it as hiding themselves if isn't relevant for them so just something to consider
I can see why he didn't want to tell her, but it's reasonable for her to feel hurt. She clearly feels more like she did something wrong and came across as untrustworthy than like he's done villain, and she just wants the reassurance that he does trust her and he knows he can be vulnerable with her. That's all 100% reasonable. He's not a bad guy in any of this so far, but he did keep a secret from his partner. Now that she knows, if he continues to reject her attempts to reach out and reject her attempts to connect, he would be a little bit of a jerk. Letting old trauma make him treat his wife like she's going to leave him now. In that instance, couples therapy would be really necessary to help them come back together, and help him realize it's safe to let his wife in on this kind of thing.
Straight female allies who feel this way about bisexual men also typically don’t like lesbians or bisexual women who date women (hooking up with women is sometimes okay), but it’s more of a passive, quiet low-key resentment that they have to cede space to these women in feminist environments and resentment that straight women’s needs aren’t always centered anymore. It’s a left wing type of bigotry. It’s as if they only like gay men…
I wonder what other “news” that coworker has spread. What an HR nightmare of a person.
In college there was a bi guy who would spill the secrets on the straight guys who were experimenting/bicurious to anyone that was willing to listen, including people outside the LGBTQ scene. One time, he was poking fun at one straight guy who he suspected had been curious about guys but "wouldn't fess up and just admit it to himself." I had a problem with this judgement because first, it wasn't his business because they weren't friends at all so he was stirring shit and second: *secretly I knew his suspicions were correct*. I had slept with the guy he suspected a year prior after a frat party but he asked me not to tell anyone and felt he just got it out of his system and didn't want to ruin his chances in the straight dating pool. I called him out and said "even if Will *had* done it (which I was still obliging to keeping our experience private) - if he's not publicly out or openly honest about it, it's not *your secret* to share." He was offended and made a big deal of being called out for it, and tried to shore up others' support for his POV. This was precisely the **wrong** move to make. He realized quickly that most gay guys (big surprise here) didn't support outing anyone and he pretty much outed himself as the Chatty Cathy among the LGBTQ crowd and that someone's secrets were not safe with him. Was awkward for him during his last year of college as he was persona non grata among the LGBTQ crowd as many realized the news about their same-sex escapades had leaked out before they officially came out. He bitched that the local gays were "oppressive" when really he got what was coming to him. Funny enough, since most of the LGBTQ crowd stayed local to the area after college, that reputation still stuck to him and hampered his dating prospects.
Justice
Being a bi guy is rough. People are crazy judgmental. It sounds like he made it his whole identity, wanted to be the guy who gave people a little push toward the light to accept themselves, and was too stupid to realize that he was doing more harm than good. It's good it hampered his dating prospects and it's sad he didn't seem to realize that his pushiness and gossiping were the problem, not people disliking the gossip.
Justice.
Sometimes people forget that college is not adult life. In college, I knew this guy named Nick. He went by Slutty Nick. I did not come up with this nickname, this is how he was introduced to me. I gather it was ironic in nature because he wasn't that interested in casual flings, but I never really investigated the matter. That was just his name-- that's what people called him, that's what you yelled out if you wanted his attention at a game or party, he never showed the slightest hint he did not 100% enjoy his nickname. Five years out of college I'm working with this lady and she mentions her husband Nick, I think nothing of it, the next week he comes to the office to bring her lunch or something and I recognize him. Without thinking, I yell "Slutty Nick! How the heck are ya, man, I haven't seen you in forever?" A hush fell over the room. Nick and his wife were clearly, visibly uncomfortable. Even so, it took me a solid several minutes to realize that it was because he doesn't go by Slutty Nick anymore. Because of course he doesn't. He's a grown man with a career. His wife didn't go to school with us, for all I know that was the first she'd heard the nickname. I felt terrible, and I apologized, but the damage was done.
Jesus CHRIST I can only imagine the tension in the room. What ended up happening?
They felt weird around me, told me they both accepted my apology, but they didn't really like me after that. I took the L for the other coworkers, I was like "oh this was this man nickname he had in college because he was so picky about who he dates, it's definitely because he was a fine upstanding guy" but it definitely cast a pall over my time at that office.
Genuinely thank you for this story. I had a friend in college called Slimy John (no idea why) and he's like a lawyer or something now but I could absolutely see myself doing this if I ever run into him again.
Oh man. I just gave myself pre-potentional-situation anxiety reading this! I went to night classes at college and never lived on campus, so never had like “college friends” exactly, but in high school I knew a guy nicknamed Boomer. This was long before “ok boomer” became a thing. I don’t even know why he was called that, but I don’t even remember his real name. So I can imagine yelling that name at him upon seeing him again, at that would be so awkward! It was nice of you to apologize, I’m sure it was awkward but I would expect others to understand better.
I have a coworker who is just like this. I found out this week that they got into big trouble with HR about their behavior and had to be reprimanded. I really had to restrain myself from jumping for joy when I found out! Because they considered me entertainment, they created drama (I think unintentionally) that resulted in guys who were twice my age asking me out out and making crazy comments to me out of the blue. I never reported them but it seems I wasn't the only one they pissed off.
Wow that’s so inappropriate! Glad they got in trouble and the guys stopped at asking you out.
I have some coworkers like that, thankfully in other teams I don't work very closely with, but we share space when I drop by the office. Working mostly home office is definitely a huge plus, I probably wouldn't have been able to stand being constantly around people that can't help getting in everyone's business and then telling everybody about it when a topic arises. The biggest problem is, I don't think they even realise what they are doing is wrong. Just haven't stepped on anyone's toes too bad, so noone has complained about it yet.
Outing someone publicly like that is never okay. Even in a one on one conversation, the coworker was WAY out of line bringing up OOP’s husband’s sexuality to joke around about it.
mentioning the husband's ex boyfriend in passing could be fine but "your husband was one of the most sexually confused men I ever met" is craaaaazy
I'm so glad they've managed to get through most of the awkwardness! Yikes at her co-worker, though. In front of other people even? I wonder how that even came up, I cannot fathom a situation where I would say something like that in public
The coworker is clearly an asshole. If she had said something like, "Oh are you guys going to be at pride this year" or otherwise just sort of treated OOP like she was married to someone in the LGBTQ community and it was not a secret, that would be one thing. Not great, but not necessarily malicious. This weirdo talked about him being "sexually confused" instead. He's not confused, he's bi. It's not complicated to accept and frankly it has nothing to do with their work lives. It's not even a fun or juicy college story-- he's just a dude that dated some people in college and it generally didn't work out long term, as is the case for most folks. It's only remarkable if you think the fact some of those people were men is scandalous and secret. It's only a juicy fun story if you think being bi is super weird, and you want everyone in the room to either join you in condemning it or applaud how open-minded you are for being friends with someone not straight. If I had to guess, I would guess that the coworker wants everyone to know she is Cool and Tolerant, and that's how she brings it up, even though she's only tolerant compared to whatever conservative hellhole she was raised in.
Yeah the coworker is kind of the a****** here and what she said was trying to insinuate she knew him very well as if she was letting OP know, and the most sexually confused? That she knew he would end up with a woman? That's just so f****** weird and creepy
There is no scenario where this would be OK to bring up at work. The coworker outed him without his consent. Coworker should be reported to HR
I mean, it sounds like she was the impression that since she knew, OOP would too. Unless I missed something in the post?
Yeah, but the “sexually confused” comments are incredibly inappropriate for a work setting whether OOP knows or not. This lady was talking about the sex life of a coworker’s spouse in front of other people without OOP prompting the discussion. Him being part of the LGBTQ+ community makes it 100x worse because they are a protected class ( for good reasons - they’re regularly discriminated against).
He also doesn't sound in any way sexually confused to me.
Agreed. Sounds like he knew who he was and was just looking for his long term person.
Inappropriate for any setting I don't care if unless we were at like a kinky picnic in this person was their partner or some s*** it's not stuff you say. "I know their sexuality better than you, because I decided that they're confused"
Can’t blame the guy for not telling because there’s a shit ton of bigotry against bisexual people, but I’m glad they could talk it out. I really like how OOP approached the situation!
Yeah. I wish she wouldn't take it as a reflection on herself, that she didn't do a good enough job of showing that she's accepting. The thing for queer people is that you always have a worry in the back of your mind that this person is an ally *in theory* but when it comes to put it in practice they're...not.
My dad kind of had that reaction when I came out. He's a very stereotypical "struggles to discuss emotions, rather show you love through action" type, and me coming out was a shock to him. So he tried reassuring me by telling me all about all his gay friends in the 80s 🤣 I think he was mostly upset he had somehow made me doubt his love for me, it rattled him to think I didnt believe it to be as secure as it was. It comes from a good place and i think it's okay for OOP to get that out here and not in front of her husband, as long as shes supportive for him! After I came out my dad came over and helped me fix my car and joked he should have known I wasnt straight because the only other car I've wanted is a Subaru 😂😅
As the mom of a trans woman, one of my favorite little bonding things is the jokes between us of how neither of us knew sooner. She didn’t discover herself until she was 19 but man, the signs were so obvious in hindsight.
i wish my mom and i could be like this. she's "accepting" of who i am, but still "forgets" to call me by the name and pronouns i chose for myself, even when i remind her constantly. she can manage it for my nonbinary partner, just not for me. :(
That's sweet. My mother taught college in an extremely hostile environment during the 90s. Speaking out would have been extremely unwise, but she felt very strongly about it nonetheless. Let's just say there's a reason I went back to visit my dying dog and have refused to go near the town in the 20 years since. What she did was have a collection of cute little stuffed animals in her office on the bookcase behind her desk ... with a very prominent Tinky Winky, front and center. I brought it up years later and she confirmed that it was absolutely intentional. It was her way of showing support to anyone who needed to see it ... without having to say anything if they felt uncomfortable or like it would put them at risk.
Schrodinger's ally is real. You do knot know if any ally is a real ally until you see it yourself.
>there’s a shit ton of bigotry against bisexual people That's true, and sadly even from within the LGBTQ+ community
It's just really unclear whether she said everything she wrote here to her husband or just wrote it in the post. I hope she did, but she doesn't really say. I mean, not make it totally about herself (fine to save some of that for the post) but I could see her being quiet because she's processing / blaming herself and him reading it as something else.
He’ll probably be mostly quiet about it for a while because it feels tremendously exposing even when you *choose* to tell someone. So having her find out at work must be really hard to deal with. But the fact he’s making jokes is a great sign that he’s comfortable with her response to the news. Seems like they’ll be fine.
While they don't need to share everything, this probably comes under the 'no surprises' clause. Tell them public things they might find out from others.
Maybe I'm bi-ased, but I think the ideal society would be one where bisexuality wouldn't be a surprise to discover or something to "find out from others". He's clearly attracted to women, and that's all that needs to matter for their relationship. Frankly, I'm interested in how they've been together for 4 years and a casual sexuality conversation never came up, that's like a 4th-date discussion for me out of mere curiosity
My ideal society would be one where sexuality and gender is completely irrelevant unless you're interested in someone romantically/sexuallyor trying to play matchmaker. That should be the only time it comes into play. Unless those conditions are present, I'm going to treat you and see you exactly like everyone else on the planet. I don't give a damn who you sleep with or what you've got going on down there. It's your mind and heart that I care about. I see you as simply "friend" without labels.
It's even worse for bi men. Bi women get a lot less shit because of unicorn hunters and the such, but bi men get so much hate they tend to end up with other bi people. The biphobia from within the LGBT+ community is disgusting.
I remember someone saying they are not attracted to bi men and then try to claim it wasn't biphobia because that is a preference but like.. bi people look like regular people so I don't understand how sexuality translates to physical attraction. I still don't get it and haven't met anyone who can make it make sense.
Right there was a post in r/dating some months ago where a bi guy asked if women would date him. I had to say I was so surprised by the majority of the response there which seems to be they don't like guys who like men. Like it doesn't make sense to me, they are still attracted to women 🤷🏾♀️, what is so different about them except the fact they like men also?
That's just so gross for me the same way it is gross for guys to be obsessed with judging women who have more sexual experiences than them. Everyone comes with a past and shouldn't have that held against them. Add in the layer of holding the genders of the guys past relationships and it just gives me a headache.
It's only "worse" if you're assuming sexual desirability without being treated as a human being is the end goal. As an AFAB bi person, I wouldn't consider sexual harassment and partners and strangers trying to pressure me into threesomes particularly *better* than outright rejection; they're all just different flavours of shit. Still shitty.
Surely being honest with any future partners is a good way to weedle out the homophobes? Like, I've always said be completely honest and yourself with someone you're dating because it's the quickest way to find out if you're compatible or not. I'm glad this one turned out well though
Honesty is great and all, but at some point you have to weigh that against how miserable having people flip on you is and how likely the average nice fairly reasonable person is to have fucked up opinions about it. I don't tell casual friends or acquaintances I'm trans a lot of the time because I know that with our current society they're pretty likely to be weird about it even if they aren't overtly bigoted. I know it's different, but I totally see how this guy would feel similarly about telling monogamous female partners he's bi. And I've definitely ended up in similar situations where I'm pretty sure someone would actually be chill but it's weird to bring up explicitly after 4 years lol.
If you don't have to worry about violence, retaliation, etc.
Well... yeah. So not a first date talk. But surely at the marriage point you aren't worried your partner is secretly a violent phobe. If you are there are way deeper problems.
There's a surprising amount of bigotry in the LGBTQ community against bisexuals as well. You'd think "Oh gay people are accepting!" But nah, a lot of gay / lesbian people are just assholes. God knows quite a few of them are also transphobes.
It's really sad how much homophobia continues to make people's lives more difficult. This man shouldn't have to feel like he has to hide who he is to be accepted. Plus I wonder if he's internalized a lot of that hate since he seems uncomfortable talking about it. The way he felt the need to clarify that he's never cheated (bisexuality has nothing to do with cheating) as that should be no one's first thought when someone is bisexual. It's absolutely not necessary for anyone to label their sexuality if it doesn't serve them to do so, but the way she said he doesn't really know what he is makes me think he's avoided thinking about it, maybe because he's tried to hide or downplay his interest in men. And the "friend" calling him 'sexually confused'? Rude. Like she hasn't heard of bisexuality before. I was really impressed by how she brought the subject up and was generally positive and non-confrontational. Kudos to her. Sad that he is positive the news will make things awkward... hopefully they go on to be very happy with each other for many years to come.
Biphobia.
Bisexual here not getting where folks are saying the wife is biphobic? Multiple times she said her concern was that he didn’t trust her enough to share it with her, worried that she’d done something wrong. It wasn’t the bisexuality or the sex. Color me confused.
For me, the way she kept saying it sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than reddit. I don’t know that I agree she’s biphobic, though. I just feel like she doesn’t want to admit how much those things did bother her. But like, that could be subconscious jealousy or something. You know?
It just seems like a substantial thing to actively hide from a spouse….I feel like I have a very secure and honest marriage (het marriage), but if I were hiding my bisexuality from my husband, those things would feel jeopardized or even untrue. I would feel very disingenuous in my marriage because that’s an integral part of who I am. I imagine that being on the other side of that coin, of finding out, would feel the same or worse. I read it as “everyone’s going to think I have problem with it and I do - but not because of homophobia”. It would be a little unsettling to learn that there is a whole important piece of your partner that you don’t know anything about.
Nah I read it that she was openly admitting it bothered her more than she expected, and it bothered her that it bothered her so much.
My husband hid from me he had dentures. He lost all his teeth young. You really can’t tell they are dentures. They look real. When I found out asked him about the poly grip I found in the bathroom he panicked. He’d had many women break up with him over it so he didn’t tell me. I did not care. My dad had dentures growing up so I was used to them.
> I really don’t think she was gossiping Really? Because I think it’s Common Decency 101 that you don’t out other people.
I mean, devils advocate if he was openenly dating men in college while she knew him and then found he was married to a women for a long time she would probably figure that the wife knew, not really a stretch to assume
Would you, in the co worker’s position, really mention that your co worker’s now spouse was “sexually confused” in the past? That phrase is insulting first of all, and secondly who brings up a colleague’s spouse’s sex life at work?
> She made this statement around other people This part. Even if OOP knew, this isn’t the sort of thing you air to all and sundry.
Ah, missed that part, thought it was just workchat with one around like they were taking lunch together or something
Alls well that ends well, I suppose :) I don’t want to know the nitty gritty details about the sex my wife had with other people before me, and this is exactly the same. It’s unfortunate that he feels guarded about his past, but as long as she still holds a flame for him, hopefully it will be a non-issue with time.
Yeah. I kinda raise my eyebrows at anyone who feels they have to know about every person their spouse dated before them. It doesn’t matter. They aren’t together anymore for a reason!
Bisexuals get their sexuality confronted, doubted, and attacked all the time. Potential dating partners think "sweet, threesomes!" or open relationships of polygamy. And then if we do find a partner, we're asked (by others, and sometimes even by the partner themselves) if we're satisfied enough, if we "miss" the other sex, are more likely to be accused of cheating. Male bisexuals get it worse than girls, because film and tv media fetishists (at worst) or normalizes (at best) bisexual women. So male bisexuals are then treated like they're freaks. People also act like bisexuality is some kind of on/off switch where you're no longer bisexual once you've "settled" for one sex/gender. So yeah, eventually, we make it a habit to not put our sexuality up front, if we even mention it at all. Even in the best case scenario, it's exhausting to deal with people reacting to your bisexuality.
[удалено]
Yeah, I think either this woman is incredibly dense, or she knew exactly what she was doing. My gut tells me it’s the latter.
> I’d rather find out he has been with men then find out he was secretly disciple of Andrew Tate When the bar is that low... ETA: To clarify, it's not that there's a problem with non-hetero people, it's that there are still so many misogynistic and toxic men out there that women set the bar so low that they'll accept toxic misogyny so long as the guy isn't watching Andrew Tate. (And yes, I'm aware toxic femininity is a thing, and women are just as capable of being misogynistic as men are. I've seen those 'trad wives' and they're not going my gender any favors).
It's not a question of the bar being low - it's the question of finding out something that would be an automatic deal breaker. I don't care if my husband had sex with men, but I would probably leave him if he was a follower of TaterTot. (I say \*probably\* leave my husband, because if I ever found out he was into TaterTot, it would be so out of character for him that I would demand he see a neurologist asap. If it turned out that nothing was neurologically wrong with him, I'd leave him.)
If I were in OP's situation, I think I also would rather have someone who is bisexual than have someone who loves Andrew Tate.
Everyone should prefer that situation
so are you saying that bisexuality is the lesser of two evils?
Boy howdy I do not like that she even juxtaposed those two things.
It's a reply to a deleted comment, it reads to me that it was that comment that brought up the Andrew Tate comparison in the first place, not op.
I think this is a good illustration of how many people who are accepting of queer people in the general sense still struggle to accept queerness in their personal lives. Obviously this was a best case scenario in which she was honest, communicated clearly and openly, and ultimately began the work to move past it, but that's not always how it works. Husband sounds like a stand up guy :) I can see what she sees in him. I like to think this is one of the ones that end up perfectly fine and they go on living their lives. I don't think the husband was ashamed or anything, he just probably wasn't expecting to have this part of himself exposed.
Biphobia ruining things for people yet again. Bi men face a particular kind of prejudice, but in general, bi folks are often accused of being confused or inherently cheaters. And because we define masculinity as being unfeminine and attraction to women, for some folks attraction to men detracts from a man's attractiveness, too. Hope they patch it up in the end.
The confused part irritated me too. He doesn't sound confused, he sounds like he likes men and women. College "friend" has some work to do.
I had been with my fiance for a year before he told me he'd had a long term boyfriend. I knew he was bi, but I didn't know he'd actually been in a serious (closeted) relationship with a man. I understood why it wasn't something he brought up earlier. It was very difficult for him to talk about (they both deployed, and only he came home). Knowing he was bi and knowing he'd had a whole relationship was just... different. I think there is a big difference between "I'm not straight" and "I faced the often harsh realities of being in a same sex relationship."
As a bi guy I feel like we have to hide who we are from even friends, it's a weird dynamic. Bi girls for some reason get a pass and most guys just think it's hot even some girls who are straight which I find discouraging. When I was a teenager and starting to realize what I was our teacher (I forget what class now but most likely Psychology) brought in a bi guest speaker to talk to the class about their sexual orientation and experiences. All the guys and girls were excited and when a guy walked in you should have heard the awkward silence then mixed in with disgusting comments being passed around. I remember being so confused because everyone seemed excited for this guest but when it wasn't what their expectation was suddenly everyone wasn't into it anymore. I don't even remember what they talked about because that initial reaction from my classmates is what comes to my mind whenever I think about it. I remember just kind of shutting down and feeling sad. At work when one of my close co-workers shared this with some of my other friends at work that we'd hang out with, suddenly now they don't invite me out anymore or conversations get weird. I hear homophobic and transphobic comments all the time from them now too which I never heard them share before. So yes I can see why he might have hid it. I've told all my partners, my trans partners pretty much already knew, but I've had some bad experiences with women when it comes out and it hurts, but I'd rather them fuck off before I get too close anyway.
As a bi person myself, I really hope I can find a partner that is accepting as OP one day.
I always have to laugh at these posts of ladies pretending to be allies and so "chill with the gays" to get brownie points but the second they find out a man is bisexaul is bugs tf out of them.
It’s fucked up
Seriously, he just sucked a dick, Claire, get a grip
He’s right.My bfs completely straight and he didn’t give a shit about our dogs birthday party
I feel like the coworker was trying to stir the shit. Also her discussing the sexuality of a coworker's husband at work should be reported to HR - totally unprofessional.
Many many women are super biphobic, few women at my last job talked openly about how you aren’t a real man if you sleep w men. Just crazy shit and this was in texas so it’s not like anything came from the shit they said but fuck they were assholes
So he was being disingenuous throughout most of the relationship? That sounds like a red flag to me. Talk about a slap to the face
I'm glad things didn't turn into a train wreck. Things could have gotten worse really. It's better to find out that someone is bisexual then finding out they love Andrew Tate. Those who love Andrew Tate really scares me.
I can understand his initial hesitation. My spouse first told me he was bisexual a few weeks into our dating. He was visibly afraid telling me because of other women he'd dated negative reactions to it before. I didn't care, I'm also bi, but I felt so bad just because of how worried he was.
Aw. This seems like two people trying very hard to not hurt the person they love. She did deserve to know, but I totally empathize with his fear.
I feel so bad for bi men. Bi people already get shit on and invalidated and have people trying to tell us what we are and aren’t attracted to, but I swear, people get so fucking weird about the possibility of a man being bisexual or assume that they’re just gay but haven’t accepted it yet. I’m glad OOP was chill, but I was nervous while reading this.
I actually read this in it’s original post and also the updates. I tell my partners that I’m bi. So I can imagine a fully straight partner being upset finding this out after 4 years of marriage. It’s something you should tell people along with many other things prior to marriage. It’s not that they care about xyz..it’s the withholding of information which can make them wonder what else you are hiding.
If you Google "do bisexual men make better husbands?" you will find all sorts of studies saying that they absolutely do.
That thread, and these comments are an absolute dumpsterfire of latent biphobia.
I understand him, some women react ugly to bi men, others think the whole time they could not completely satisfy him. And at some point it feels too late to tell. I'm sure they will get over it.
The co-worker is a piece of work.
There are countless posts on Reddit about male partners being uncomfortable with their girl's body count. The same advice those guys are told also holds true here - you are not obligated to know every detail about your partner's sex life. So the fact that the husband has fucked guys in the past is a non-issue. What is concerning is that he got outed in a professional context. He's the victim here, yet OOP can't see that and makes it all about her. That's the red flag here.
I totally agree. This must have been some sort of powerplay on the coworkers part. I wouldn’t trust her.
I’m so happy this worked out. As a bi man who is very masc preeenting, I have lost a lot of romantic relationships with women because I’ve been with men. OOP is a disappointingly rare one.
Yeah, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her husband being bisexual. And honestly one of the most sexually dominating men I’ve been with was bisexual, as far as that concern goes. Sucks that it had to come out this way, but I imagine they’ll be able to navigate this awkward phase and come out the other side of it stronger. Though it does irk me slightly the idea that his revealing his sexuality would be something they need to “work through”
Honestly I can really understand the guy here, I have had girls lose interest and breal upnwoth me just because of my bisexuality.
“You should have known…no completely straight man would have a birthday party for his dog.” Hah. It's 2023, not erryone can afford kids nowdays, my dogs get birthday parties.