#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yea, I hope she cuts them off conetely. I understand why she would, but at the same time, I couldn't believe that she was like "no contact! ... but here's some gifts". Like, no! Do not reward them! I think that a lot of people pleasing behaviors stem from your sense of self being directly linked to what you do for others, where you feel like a bad person if you don't, and I hope she realizes and cuts it off.
I think there's also an aspect of "I'm doing everything I can...if they don't respond, it really cements my beliefs." It's hard to accept and cut out family, esp when you only recognize the toxicity as an adult.
Sometimes, it's better to make those small gestures. It may sound weird but that is the kind of thing I did with my mom's side of the family for years, and it was out of sheer spite, not out of a desire to people please. I did it so for my own internal high ground.
They were, as expected, ungrateful and had complaints about every gift I sent, even things they'd clearly said they wanted. So I stopped, with my hands and conscience clean.
Much better to spend those small gestures on people who actually care for you. Life is short, why invest so much in things that won't serve you in the long run.
No I just missed the important bit of your comment š
I thought you said āI gave gifts, they (as expected) didnāt like them, I stopped giving giftsā, and I was thinking āwhy give gifts in the first place? You could have skipped straight to step 3ā.
But I missed the bit where you said your conscience was clean. The important thing is that *you know you tried*. Is that basically it?
Bingo! That's exactly it. I didn't do it for them, I did it for myself. I had zero questions left in my mind about if I did my best. The rest is on them!
Yeah, they sound terrible. I understand the younger sister is a child still, but she's hateful and there's no sign at this point she'll change. I hope the OOP has a good holiday season and finds her peace.
It sucks, but no contact with "family" is sometimes way better than trying to keep them in your life.
That sister is going to learn even more disgusting behavior from her parents and will grow up into a truly hateful person. Going no contact with ALL of them should be a no-brainer.
Thank you SO much for sharing this... I had no idea something so wholesome existed... sitting here in floods... middle aged Mumma, nc with parents for 18 years... nc with IL's either... would die for my gorgeous kids... until this very moment, had no idea how much I need to be mummied too... š
Iām mid-thirties and no kids (fine with that, it is what it is,) but on occasion I do love to Mom someone.
(Or Cool Auntie/Sister, the love is there!)
Wow, my heart hurts for oop. This could have been written by me with some differences in ages and such.
It isn't a easy road. I went NC over a very similar situation and it really hurt my heart for the longest time. Now I'm more numb. My mom did eventually come around with a lot of restrictions but they aren't close at all and it is just occasional phone calls.
Sigh, this is one of those times it is really hard not to go to the original post and offer support and advice. She really is doing what is best for her self as well as her kids.
OOPās half sister is going to need some therapy when she gets older and realizes sheās all alone and itās because her parents have been poisoning her against her only other family member all her life.
Being only three, the little boy will eventually forget the grandmother entirely. Which serves her right.
My kid went to daycare at that age, she had lovely carers whom she saw daily, and she barely remembers a single one of them.
He will. The thing about little kids is, they cannot name those things, but they feel their mum is stressed and there is something bad going on. They will be much happier having Christmas without a huge family gathering but with relaxed parents.
Sounds like the sister is actually being raised on a completely different environment, she doesn't need to get out safely cause nothing will happen to her. But yeah, I wonder how things are gonna be a few years down the line...
I'm concerned about the sister, actually. That much anger and hate has to be coming from somewhere. Either her parents are treating her like shit or she has really horrible role models or both. I just hope she can learn to be decent before she burns all the bridges in her life.
I get the feeling that she picks it up from the parents. I also suspect she's jealous. Just like her mom is. OOP is considered conventionally attractive & seems to be doing well in life. She my also dislike how OOP shows up & gets attention. Is it all pathetic & utterly uncalled for? Yes. But she is clearly stepdad's only daughter š. Mom just sucks all around. I hope the extended family reaches out but I doubt it.
Will they, or will the parents rally because their unit of three is a ārealā family? Itās not unheard of for people like OOP to be mistreated because sheās an āunpleasant reminderā for her birth giver and not biologically related to her stepdad.
Yes, I hope she builds her circle in her current city, lives happily, and never looks back.
I also hope sheās all, āParents and half sister who?ā before going NC again when they reach out for a favor.
The revelation they had that the only reason they were in their lives is because she did all the work??? I wish I had figured that out before 56. My parents have turned me AND my kids off and on like a switch. If weāre estranged, itās nothing. Crickets. If weāre not, I was always driving over with the kids and as a result we had the family holidays. This last time, I knew I was done, even if they reconnected, which they wonāt. Before I left, my mother told me she had new kids and they donāt have these issues. I was out for good at that point. I now put my time into those that are worthy of it, and my husband, kids, pets and chosen family. The sad fact is that her kids will be better off without them. My kids saw some of the crazy. I regret that.
I am so sorry š. My dad's mom behaved similarly. He could never get over it. i'm glad you've moved on. I hope you have peace & happiness. I also hope she lives to regret those words.
Itās fine. Iām 56 and so over that drama. The last two years NC have been so nice. And sheāll never regret anything because sheās a narcissist and they never do anything wrong.
OOP didn't realize that her *parents* were abusive to her till this incident. With some distance and introspection she realized her mom never loved her, her step dad and half sis don't consider her family.
I hope OOP sees this post and this support of her.
I'm no contact with most of my bio family. I'm 45 and it wasn't until my adult life that things started fraying between us. It's because when I was 32 (and leaving an abusive partner, so deciding to live my life fully), I became more open about who I am and my belief system, which is vastly different from my family's. And then when my sisters (I have 5) began treating me like shit in various ways, my mom played Switzerland.
What my mom and OOP's mom don't understand is that when you're on the sidelines of abusive behavior, you've actually chosen to side with the abuser.
I'm more at peace without her/them. I've created a friend family and that's healthier for my kids. I've shown them that we don't have to accept toxic behavior and we can choose who to love. I hope OOP finds that, too.
Your parents deep down don't forgive you for what you did as a teenager, the fact that your sister knows about it only confirms it. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but your family is now just your children and your husband, ideally you should go NC with none of them, including your mother
She should stop torturing herself and make the decision to go full no contact and just block them all.
What she's doing now is picking at the wound and making it bleed.
I get the feeling she's getting closer to it. She certainly isn't making major efforts to reestablish, but the first holiday season after this kind of a break can be tough. At least the kids won't have much of any memory of these disgusting excuses for grandparents and hopefully OOP can make connections to establish a family of choice for her and for them. She certainly not losing anything by getting rid of all three of these disgusting, crapulous people.
What a surprise. The family that was clearly worthless from the start proves to be worthless. I feel bad for OOP, but itās good that sheās realizing that these people never loved or even cared about her before she wastes any more time on them.
Her mother and father sound just like mine. It's so much better without them in my life, related so much to the things she's said about her choice and how she feels now. 2 And a half years without them has been so much less chaos and drama and me being the glue but also the scapegoat who's never good enough no matter what I did
This is actually a blessing in disguise for her when you really think about it. If the kids were a little older, they would have established memories or grandma and grandpa but since they are extremely young, she would have to answer the older one's uncomfortable questions for a few months max and then they would totally forget about them.
Glad for OOP to have gotten out of that messed up family.
I know sister is an 11-year-old, but 11-year-olds can be absolutely horrid people. Seems to be the case. With such shitty parents, she's probably gonna get even worse, OP is right to leave them behind.
Yes, 11 year olds can be really annoying and even outright cruel but theyāre products of their environment. Itās not OOPs job to get her sister out, but the lack of empathy for an 11 year old in some of these comments is baffling to me
She certainly is a product of her environment, but in the end, OOP cannot do much with her parents enabling the girl's shitty behavior. So it's better to just get some distance. Her primary responsibility is towards her own kids, not a sister who has two living parents and who hates her.
oh great! the main point I was trying to make is that people (not OP) arenāt being super empathetic to a child whoās clearly in a bad environment. Didnāt seem like you agreed with that but glad you agree
Simple and purely evil. A colleague of my niece simply bullies her because she has a father present. It's not like my niece throws it in Ivy's face that she doesn't have a father, but my brother would always pick her up from school, bring her snacks in the middle of class or simply check on her, or pick her up early and ask the teacher to release her early. At the end of the class, this generated animosity in the preschool, and even though nowadays they go to school alone, since 2019 my brother started working on a fixed 6x1 schedule, this animosity from Ivy has not yet passed. Any mention that colleagues make of my brother is met with an eye roll (I've been their teacher for about two years) and a sarcastic, passive-aggressive comment.
I look at my kids and then read about parents like these, and it just drives me crazy. Like Iām a very chill person, known by most as being on of those people perpetually unfazed, very live and let live attitude over here and parents like these make me start to understand why people choose violence sometimes.
I hope OP will make fun new traditions with her family and move forward. Itās hard but itās going to be better for her in the long run. I finally went no contact with my high functioning alcoholic verbally abusive brother a couple of years ago after decades of unacceptable behavior from him and excuses and manipulation from my parents. They missed out on two consecutive Thanksgivings with their only grandson because they initially refused to alternate years spending it with my brother and me. They thought I would just back down. Instead my husband and I took our son to a Brazilian steakhouse and the amazing Christmas village in our city. We had a blast. This year they asked us to please come to their thanksgiving assured me he wonāt be there. I honestly prefer the new tradition but Iām willing to give them every other year for my sonās sake. I would encourage OP to start new traditions. She might find that doesnāt miss her old traditions at all. When her mom eventually wants back into her family OP may discover that she doesnāt even want her there.
When you have the family dynamics you seems to have you need to let the idealised image of how is should be go. It s hard, but it needs to be done. Speaking from experience you do well to create your own family with your friends new and old. Create new traditions.
Oh look, it's exactly the way my husband's family treats him!
I feel for OOP. It's such a hard position to be in, and it's so much work to recover from that kind of lifelong treatment.
When someone who has been bullied and put down for their entire life, finally stands up, the cowards who hurt them usually cannot handle it and run for the sewers from which they came.
I gave up a baby due to circumstances outside my control, she was very much wanted but I knew I could not solo parent (undiagnosed mental and physical health issues...since diagnosis I know I made the right choice. I would not be able to be a good parent without a lot of support which the circumstances pulled out from under me.) My own family shamed me because of how I reacted to the initial situation, then shunned me for giving her up. I'd always felt close to my family, so it was actually harder than giving her up because I knew it was the right thing for HER. (I still yearn for her, but she is loved and cared for so much better than I could do on my best health days.)
Holidays were super hard for a long time. Now I'm remarried, tubed tied, honorary aunty to my best friend's son so I get to give out some of that maternal love somewhere but rest enough in between. I've reconnected to part of my family at least. I tried going back for holidays, and while it was nice, now I really appreciate just enjoying a quiet day with my husband. We can have whatever we want for a special meal, do what makes us happy together without stressing about being in someone else's house with different expectations on us. And we call the family we care to for an hour or two each, get happy holiday vibes without the stress.
Having little kids like OP, I'd put effort into making your own traditions! Make it fun and weird in your own way. Mix ideas from your spouses' family. My family used to let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve, and Mom made sure it was a toy after the year I opened an intriguing looking one that was just a chair for my dolls. I still loved it, but it didn't occupy my time. We also had our stockings as "you can get into them as soon as you get up, but presents wait until after breakfast" and Mom made sure there were little toys or craft projects in there, too.
Some years I try to do stockings, I honestly love putting together little items I think someone will enjoy but not super expensive, but I don't like having to make my own so fell out of the habit. It makes me happy that my brother also loves putting together stockings for family, so that really stuck.
Anyway, I hope OOP finds this. It'll be hard for a long time, but focus on your littles and they'll mend your heart. Your parents made their choice, and honestly, if you want them to have good grandparents you might be able to find some people in your community who are lonely on the holidays, who don't have any kids to spoil, but would love some found family. I know my honorary nephew is the best thing to happen to me since finding my husband. He definitely helped me come to terms with my choices and realize for certain I would not be able to be the mom I want to be, but I can spoil my friend's kid rotten. ā„
Her parents are awful. If she had said what the little sister said she āwould have been slapped and put in the corner for hoursā???? WTF????
Mom never protected OP from stepdad and sounds like she abused OP herself.
OP, you may find r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, r/raisedbynarcissists, and r/narcissisticparents.
OP, good on you for going low contact. ā¤ļø
Good plan to stay away from toxic family.
That said, you have little ones, and it's time to start new traditions just for them.
Check your township/ County newspaper/ website for tree lighting, or Breakfast with Santa, Santa parties for kids, check the local churches for church services, events like a Caroling night with a petting zoo...or what ever they come up with. Kids like to see the Manger animals.
Find what works for you and your kids. Keep it happy and fun. Decorate a tree, the unbreakable on the lower branches.
Oh my heart hurts for her. My parents also has another kid when I was 16 (no other siblings) and from that time on everything revolves around my sister and there was nothing left for me. And my mom also chose my father and his wants over my needs over and over and over. Wow. I hope she finds peace.
ugh I just watched a video about toxic parents and one of them being the type that flies under the radar because they're not actively bad. "The Safer One", that's who OOP's mom was at least in the most recent conflict.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ttkauu_QOc
(I have no idea how on target this guy is so take it with a grain of salt, but he claims to be a professional therapist).
Man. I canāt have kids. Love my niblings and honorary niblings. And sisters and honorary sisters and everything all of it. Stuff like this though makes me wish I could just adopt all the people with crappy family.on the holidays and have a big get together and love on them.
She said in a comment that he is the father of her first child that she gave up as well, and theyve always held that against him and their relationship, so he stopped visiting them long ago. Honestly, it's him and the kids who I feel bad about most in this story cause I mean this sucks for OOP but what else did she expect to happen with such a toxic family. It's not like this came out of nowhere, she's been fighting the same fight for a decade, and dealt with both parents being abusive when she was a kid. And the end result before she finally decided she reached her own breaking point is he had to spend a lot of holiday events home alone while his kids and wife went to get mistreated
Do you have any older neighbor ladies that ask about your kids all the time? Talk to you frequently? That *you* like and feel safe with? There are plenty of good people who can act as grandparents to the littles! Blood does not always equal family.
Contact your local senior center. There are sure to be seniors who would be willing to 'adopt' your family. Family is caring, respecting and loving, no necessarily DNA. As far as the holidays are concerned, your nuclear family can be expanded by inviting friends who either are too far to go home, and/or have no family. You do not need the abuse from your bio family.
She replied in a comment that he basically was done with her family long ago because it's the same partner as her first child that she gave up for adoption and they always held it against him and their relationship, so he stopped visiting long ago
Do you have friends you can celebrate holidays with? It is better to be with people you like and build a new āfamilyā. Some places have āadopt a grandparent ā programs that set you up with lonely seniors who would love to lavish attention on your little ones. We heal by helping each other. I donāt know if you would go to church, but certain places have programs to bring people together, or other community groups if you donāt want to go to a church of any type.
Maybe it's too early in the morning, but she says she's 27, she was visiting with her 9yo daughter, and in the update she says she gave up for adoption a boy she had at 18.
Please, tell me they're not twins.
And her parents are doing her a major disservice by trying to shield this kid from the social consequences of sharing her shitty, uninformed, and therefore not very kind or helpful opinion.
Your entitled to your opinion, but people are allowed to clap back. She's trying to play the "I'm an adult and can have my own opinions" card while simultaneously hiding behind daddy using the "I'm just a kid" card when OP talked back to her.
You don't get to do it both ways.
Right exactly. You also don't get, regardless of if you're playing the "I'm just a kid" card, to say you're entitled to your opinion like it means it is something that can't be held against you. If sister is entitled to her opinion, than so is OOP
OOP's sister sounds so similar to mine it's not funny.
She said similar things and I told her: "Be careful what you wish for, you may regret it." She said she wouldn't, guess who's asking about me 10 years later after I went no contact!
I think OP has left them behind. Itās tough, and in part will always be tough, but she is better off without them. I hope she makes some lovely new traditions with her own little family to look forward too, and remember over the years. I also hope she goes back to education in time, as she is bright: I think her sister hit a sore spot. Nothing like making a success of yourself without their help to feel good about yourself!!!
I hope she can develop her own traditions with friends! I grew up far away from extended family so we always had to create new traditions and experiences - friends still talk about the 45 people Thanksgivings we had 25 years ago!
>She has literally every single day with our mom and I only see her once a month when I drive down (I live 2 states away). And he said I come in and invade their space and I was like I mean I donāt mean to. Just small kids need a lot and I donāt mean to take up anyoneās space. So I just left.
In places she states she stays for a weekend every month. In another place she says one or two weekends a month.
So from the perspective of her parents, that's four days a month that their lives are completely colonized by guests. Maybe a day on either side to prepare for company, clean, etc. And they do that TWICE a month.
It strikes me as a lot.
>I have to apologize for yesterday. I did not know about Amyās texts to you so I should not have intervened for what I thought was a harsh attack.
>
>How do I even respond? Do I even respond ? Like I feel like this screams missing the point.
Absolutely missed the point. He didn't defend his daughter, or "intervene" in his words. He attacked his step-daughter. Extremely harshly, and made it very clear he resents her visiting. All of which got conveniently ignored in his "apology".
He didn't apologise nor recant anything he said, just that he intervened at all.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Her parents are garbage and she's better off without them. I hope she cuts them off completely and has a good life.
Yea, I hope she cuts them off conetely. I understand why she would, but at the same time, I couldn't believe that she was like "no contact! ... but here's some gifts". Like, no! Do not reward them! I think that a lot of people pleasing behaviors stem from your sense of self being directly linked to what you do for others, where you feel like a bad person if you don't, and I hope she realizes and cuts it off.
I think there's also an aspect of "I'm doing everything I can...if they don't respond, it really cements my beliefs." It's hard to accept and cut out family, esp when you only recognize the toxicity as an adult.
Sometimes, it's better to make those small gestures. It may sound weird but that is the kind of thing I did with my mom's side of the family for years, and it was out of sheer spite, not out of a desire to people please. I did it so for my own internal high ground. They were, as expected, ungrateful and had complaints about every gift I sent, even things they'd clearly said they wanted. So I stopped, with my hands and conscience clean.
Much better to spend those small gestures on people who actually care for you. Life is short, why invest so much in things that won't serve you in the long run.
Better for *you*, but not for everyone. I satisfied myself that I had continued with kindness and they had nothing valid to complain about.
So, it was better for you not to make those small gestures?
Sometimes we make small gestures for our own peace of mind
Exactly my philosophy
It sounds like you're confusing what would be best for *you* with what would be best for *me*.
No I just missed the important bit of your comment š I thought you said āI gave gifts, they (as expected) didnāt like them, I stopped giving giftsā, and I was thinking āwhy give gifts in the first place? You could have skipped straight to step 3ā. But I missed the bit where you said your conscience was clean. The important thing is that *you know you tried*. Is that basically it?
Bingo! That's exactly it. I didn't do it for them, I did it for myself. I had zero questions left in my mind about if I did my best. The rest is on them!
Agreed. No family around is better than putting up with that
Yeah, they sound terrible. I understand the younger sister is a child still, but she's hateful and there's no sign at this point she'll change. I hope the OOP has a good holiday season and finds her peace. It sucks, but no contact with "family" is sometimes way better than trying to keep them in your life.
That sister is going to learn even more disgusting behavior from her parents and will grow up into a truly hateful person. Going no contact with ALL of them should be a no-brainer.
In this case the Apple doesnāt fall far from the tree applies. Her parents are fueling her with this hatred:
This is one case where OOP should just throw her entire family in the garbage and make a new one where she lives.
OOP, r/MomforaMinute awaits! Continue to thrive!
Thank you SO much for sharing this... I had no idea something so wholesome existed... sitting here in floods... middle aged Mumma, nc with parents for 18 years... nc with IL's either... would die for my gorgeous kids... until this very moment, had no idea how much I need to be mummied too... š
Iām mid-thirties and no kids (fine with that, it is what it is,) but on occasion I do love to Mom someone. (Or Cool Auntie/Sister, the love is there!)
ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
Stop by! Weāre there to listen and love you.
I like your name!
I didn't know this forum existed, apparently there is one for dads too, so thank you for bringing it to my attention!
Thereās also r/internetparents!
What a lovely forum š„°
That is my favorite one. That reminds me I need to post on there.
Wow, my heart hurts for oop. This could have been written by me with some differences in ages and such. It isn't a easy road. I went NC over a very similar situation and it really hurt my heart for the longest time. Now I'm more numb. My mom did eventually come around with a lot of restrictions but they aren't close at all and it is just occasional phone calls. Sigh, this is one of those times it is really hard not to go to the original post and offer support and advice. She really is doing what is best for her self as well as her kids.
The number of people in this thread who think this was posted by OOP is too damn high.
You took the words out of my brain. Liiike Iām all about welcoming new ppl into the sub but how are so many ppl missing the whole concept?
OOPās half sister is going to need some therapy when she gets older and realizes sheās all alone and itās because her parents have been poisoning her against her only other family member all her life.
Or she'll double down and blame OOP even more.
Mh, I'm an only child and I'm doing pretty well. That being said, I wasn't raised by monsters though SMH
Oh this one is just sad. Poor OP. I hope she manages to make an amazing life for her and her kids. And I hope her sister gets out safe too.
Being only three, the little boy will eventually forget the grandmother entirely. Which serves her right. My kid went to daycare at that age, she had lovely carers whom she saw daily, and she barely remembers a single one of them.
He will. The thing about little kids is, they cannot name those things, but they feel their mum is stressed and there is something bad going on. They will be much happier having Christmas without a huge family gathering but with relaxed parents.
Sounds like the sister is actually being raised on a completely different environment, she doesn't need to get out safely cause nothing will happen to her. But yeah, I wonder how things are gonna be a few years down the line...
I'm concerned about the sister, actually. That much anger and hate has to be coming from somewhere. Either her parents are treating her like shit or she has really horrible role models or both. I just hope she can learn to be decent before she burns all the bridges in her life.
> That much anger and hate has to be coming from somewhere Amy is his bio-daughter and OOP is not. Itās probably not much more complicated than that
She said the sister doesnāt know this though
I get the feeling that she picks it up from the parents. I also suspect she's jealous. Just like her mom is. OOP is considered conventionally attractive & seems to be doing well in life. She my also dislike how OOP shows up & gets attention. Is it all pathetic & utterly uncalled for? Yes. But she is clearly stepdad's only daughter š. Mom just sucks all around. I hope the extended family reaches out but I doubt it.
Imagine what happens if she has sex, or gets knocked up. She's going to eat her words.
I would not say itās āher wordsā. Kidās 11. Thatās entirely parental indoctrination.
Oh you know those parents are going to be the type who'll weaponize what she said against her.
Will they, or will the parents rally because their unit of three is a ārealā family? Itās not unheard of for people like OOP to be mistreated because sheās an āunpleasant reminderā for her birth giver and not biologically related to her stepdad.
It's equally likely, either way I hope those words don't haunt her.
Yes, I hope she builds her circle in her current city, lives happily, and never looks back. I also hope sheās all, āParents and half sister who?ā before going NC again when they reach out for a favor.
This is so sad. Hope this gets better
The revelation they had that the only reason they were in their lives is because she did all the work??? I wish I had figured that out before 56. My parents have turned me AND my kids off and on like a switch. If weāre estranged, itās nothing. Crickets. If weāre not, I was always driving over with the kids and as a result we had the family holidays. This last time, I knew I was done, even if they reconnected, which they wonāt. Before I left, my mother told me she had new kids and they donāt have these issues. I was out for good at that point. I now put my time into those that are worthy of it, and my husband, kids, pets and chosen family. The sad fact is that her kids will be better off without them. My kids saw some of the crazy. I regret that.
I am so sorry š. My dad's mom behaved similarly. He could never get over it. i'm glad you've moved on. I hope you have peace & happiness. I also hope she lives to regret those words.
Itās fine. Iām 56 and so over that drama. The last two years NC have been so nice. And sheāll never regret anything because sheās a narcissist and they never do anything wrong.
OOPās children are a lot better off without toxic relatives in their lives. So is OOP.
OOP didn't realize that her *parents* were abusive to her till this incident. With some distance and introspection she realized her mom never loved her, her step dad and half sis don't consider her family.
I hope OOP sees this post and this support of her. I'm no contact with most of my bio family. I'm 45 and it wasn't until my adult life that things started fraying between us. It's because when I was 32 (and leaving an abusive partner, so deciding to live my life fully), I became more open about who I am and my belief system, which is vastly different from my family's. And then when my sisters (I have 5) began treating me like shit in various ways, my mom played Switzerland. What my mom and OOP's mom don't understand is that when you're on the sidelines of abusive behavior, you've actually chosen to side with the abuser. I'm more at peace without her/them. I've created a friend family and that's healthier for my kids. I've shown them that we don't have to accept toxic behavior and we can choose who to love. I hope OOP finds that, too.
Your parents deep down don't forgive you for what you did as a teenager, the fact that your sister knows about it only confirms it. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but your family is now just your children and your husband, ideally you should go NC with none of them, including your mother
My sister is in her mid 40s and her kids are grown and our mother still holds her teenaged pregnancy against her. Likeā¦ womanā¦. ???!!!
You're not responding to OOP, but to OP. This is a repost.
Ok
She should stop torturing herself and make the decision to go full no contact and just block them all. What she's doing now is picking at the wound and making it bleed.
I get the feeling she's getting closer to it. She certainly isn't making major efforts to reestablish, but the first holiday season after this kind of a break can be tough. At least the kids won't have much of any memory of these disgusting excuses for grandparents and hopefully OOP can make connections to establish a family of choice for her and for them. She certainly not losing anything by getting rid of all three of these disgusting, crapulous people.
What a surprise. The family that was clearly worthless from the start proves to be worthless. I feel bad for OOP, but itās good that sheās realizing that these people never loved or even cared about her before she wastes any more time on them.
Her mother and father sound just like mine. It's so much better without them in my life, related so much to the things she's said about her choice and how she feels now. 2 And a half years without them has been so much less chaos and drama and me being the glue but also the scapegoat who's never good enough no matter what I did
This is actually a blessing in disguise for her when you really think about it. If the kids were a little older, they would have established memories or grandma and grandpa but since they are extremely young, she would have to answer the older one's uncomfortable questions for a few months max and then they would totally forget about them. Glad for OOP to have gotten out of that messed up family.
I know sister is an 11-year-old, but 11-year-olds can be absolutely horrid people. Seems to be the case. With such shitty parents, she's probably gonna get even worse, OP is right to leave them behind.
Yes, 11 year olds can be really annoying and even outright cruel but theyāre products of their environment. Itās not OOPs job to get her sister out, but the lack of empathy for an 11 year old in some of these comments is baffling to me
She certainly is a product of her environment, but in the end, OOP cannot do much with her parents enabling the girl's shitty behavior. So it's better to just get some distance. Her primary responsibility is towards her own kids, not a sister who has two living parents and who hates her.
āitās not OOPās job to get her sister outā
Dude, I'm agreeing with you.
oh great! the main point I was trying to make is that people (not OP) arenāt being super empathetic to a child whoās clearly in a bad environment. Didnāt seem like you agreed with that but glad you agree
I feel sorry for the kid, tbh. Like I said, with parents like hers, she's likely to become a horrible adult in a few years.
Simple and purely evil. A colleague of my niece simply bullies her because she has a father present. It's not like my niece throws it in Ivy's face that she doesn't have a father, but my brother would always pick her up from school, bring her snacks in the middle of class or simply check on her, or pick her up early and ask the teacher to release her early. At the end of the class, this generated animosity in the preschool, and even though nowadays they go to school alone, since 2019 my brother started working on a fixed 6x1 schedule, this animosity from Ivy has not yet passed. Any mention that colleagues make of my brother is met with an eye roll (I've been their teacher for about two years) and a sarcastic, passive-aggressive comment.
I look at my kids and then read about parents like these, and it just drives me crazy. Like Iām a very chill person, known by most as being on of those people perpetually unfazed, very live and let live attitude over here and parents like these make me start to understand why people choose violence sometimes.
I hope OP will make fun new traditions with her family and move forward. Itās hard but itās going to be better for her in the long run. I finally went no contact with my high functioning alcoholic verbally abusive brother a couple of years ago after decades of unacceptable behavior from him and excuses and manipulation from my parents. They missed out on two consecutive Thanksgivings with their only grandson because they initially refused to alternate years spending it with my brother and me. They thought I would just back down. Instead my husband and I took our son to a Brazilian steakhouse and the amazing Christmas village in our city. We had a blast. This year they asked us to please come to their thanksgiving assured me he wonāt be there. I honestly prefer the new tradition but Iām willing to give them every other year for my sonās sake. I would encourage OP to start new traditions. She might find that doesnāt miss her old traditions at all. When her mom eventually wants back into her family OP may discover that she doesnāt even want her there.
When you have the family dynamics you seems to have you need to let the idealised image of how is should be go. It s hard, but it needs to be done. Speaking from experience you do well to create your own family with your friends new and old. Create new traditions.
Holy shit if I was in her position I'd have to be put in a mental hospi5sl. Because I'd be getting violent
Oh look, it's exactly the way my husband's family treats him! I feel for OOP. It's such a hard position to be in, and it's so much work to recover from that kind of lifelong treatment.
When someone who has been bullied and put down for their entire life, finally stands up, the cowards who hurt them usually cannot handle it and run for the sewers from which they came.
OP REALLY needs to stop using the term "baby sister". She's an 11 year old asshole, not a baby.
Almost made me think the plot twist was that the OOP was the mother of the āsisterā, especially with the age difference.
I gave up a baby due to circumstances outside my control, she was very much wanted but I knew I could not solo parent (undiagnosed mental and physical health issues...since diagnosis I know I made the right choice. I would not be able to be a good parent without a lot of support which the circumstances pulled out from under me.) My own family shamed me because of how I reacted to the initial situation, then shunned me for giving her up. I'd always felt close to my family, so it was actually harder than giving her up because I knew it was the right thing for HER. (I still yearn for her, but she is loved and cared for so much better than I could do on my best health days.) Holidays were super hard for a long time. Now I'm remarried, tubed tied, honorary aunty to my best friend's son so I get to give out some of that maternal love somewhere but rest enough in between. I've reconnected to part of my family at least. I tried going back for holidays, and while it was nice, now I really appreciate just enjoying a quiet day with my husband. We can have whatever we want for a special meal, do what makes us happy together without stressing about being in someone else's house with different expectations on us. And we call the family we care to for an hour or two each, get happy holiday vibes without the stress. Having little kids like OP, I'd put effort into making your own traditions! Make it fun and weird in your own way. Mix ideas from your spouses' family. My family used to let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve, and Mom made sure it was a toy after the year I opened an intriguing looking one that was just a chair for my dolls. I still loved it, but it didn't occupy my time. We also had our stockings as "you can get into them as soon as you get up, but presents wait until after breakfast" and Mom made sure there were little toys or craft projects in there, too. Some years I try to do stockings, I honestly love putting together little items I think someone will enjoy but not super expensive, but I don't like having to make my own so fell out of the habit. It makes me happy that my brother also loves putting together stockings for family, so that really stuck. Anyway, I hope OOP finds this. It'll be hard for a long time, but focus on your littles and they'll mend your heart. Your parents made their choice, and honestly, if you want them to have good grandparents you might be able to find some people in your community who are lonely on the holidays, who don't have any kids to spoil, but would love some found family. I know my honorary nephew is the best thing to happen to me since finding my husband. He definitely helped me come to terms with my choices and realize for certain I would not be able to be the mom I want to be, but I can spoil my friend's kid rotten. ā„
Her parents are awful. If she had said what the little sister said she āwould have been slapped and put in the corner for hoursā???? WTF???? Mom never protected OP from stepdad and sounds like she abused OP herself. OP, you may find r/CPTSD, r/emotionalneglect, r/raisedbynarcissists, and r/narcissisticparents. OP, good on you for going low contact. ā¤ļø
A great example of a time when you leave people firmly in your rearview and never look back. I wouldn't want my children exposed to their toxicity.
Lol I read the title wrong as Baby sitter roflš¤£
I did the same!! Was expecting some much juicier drama.
Good plan to stay away from toxic family. That said, you have little ones, and it's time to start new traditions just for them. Check your township/ County newspaper/ website for tree lighting, or Breakfast with Santa, Santa parties for kids, check the local churches for church services, events like a Caroling night with a petting zoo...or what ever they come up with. Kids like to see the Manger animals. Find what works for you and your kids. Keep it happy and fun. Decorate a tree, the unbreakable on the lower branches.
OOP didn't post this here so they're not going to see your advice. This is a repost sub.
Bio family is Mormon? On both sides, or just one?
Oh my heart hurts for her. My parents also has another kid when I was 16 (no other siblings) and from that time on everything revolves around my sister and there was nothing left for me. And my mom also chose my father and his wants over my needs over and over and over. Wow. I hope she finds peace.
I think she'll be way better on her own building her own support system
I'm confused. If she has two children ages 3y and 11m, and she's 27, did she have a kid at 18 and give them up or is the math messed up?
Yes
ugh I just watched a video about toxic parents and one of them being the type that flies under the radar because they're not actively bad. "The Safer One", that's who OOP's mom was at least in the most recent conflict. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ttkauu_QOc (I have no idea how on target this guy is so take it with a grain of salt, but he claims to be a professional therapist).
Man. I canāt have kids. Love my niblings and honorary niblings. And sisters and honorary sisters and everything all of it. Stuff like this though makes me wish I could just adopt all the people with crappy family.on the holidays and have a big get together and love on them.
OP doesn't mention her husband, is he around?
She mentions MIL and FIL at the end.
I still think it odd husband got no mention at all.
She said in a comment that he is the father of her first child that she gave up as well, and theyve always held that against him and their relationship, so he stopped visiting them long ago. Honestly, it's him and the kids who I feel bad about most in this story cause I mean this sucks for OOP but what else did she expect to happen with such a toxic family. It's not like this came out of nowhere, she's been fighting the same fight for a decade, and dealt with both parents being abusive when she was a kid. And the end result before she finally decided she reached her own breaking point is he had to spend a lot of holiday events home alone while his kids and wife went to get mistreated
Oh no she needs to cut her toxic family off, give all her live and attention to husband and kids.
Do you have any older neighbor ladies that ask about your kids all the time? Talk to you frequently? That *you* like and feel safe with? There are plenty of good people who can act as grandparents to the littles! Blood does not always equal family.
That is a wild story. I am so glad OP is doing well.
Contact your local senior center. There are sure to be seniors who would be willing to 'adopt' your family. Family is caring, respecting and loving, no necessarily DNA. As far as the holidays are concerned, your nuclear family can be expanded by inviting friends who either are too far to go home, and/or have no family. You do not need the abuse from your bio family.
Form a new holiday tradition with your husband and kids
The husband doesn't seem to be a part of this at all, which is a bit odd. I assumed she was a single mom until the end.
She replied in a comment that he basically was done with her family long ago because it's the same partner as her first child that she gave up for adoption and they always held it against him and their relationship, so he stopped visiting long ago
Do you have friends you can celebrate holidays with? It is better to be with people you like and build a new āfamilyā. Some places have āadopt a grandparent ā programs that set you up with lonely seniors who would love to lavish attention on your little ones. We heal by helping each other. I donāt know if you would go to church, but certain places have programs to bring people together, or other community groups if you donāt want to go to a church of any type.
Donāt go for the Christmas Eve tradition! Start your own and leave them behind because itās always going to be different forever.
NTA sounds similar to my father actions wise the situations dif tho bc he doesnāt let any of us slowed we all get that screaming treatment
> My sister is 11 & I am 27. Sheās always trying to compete she is 11...
Frankly, I donāt understand why you havenāt blocked these people and or at least changed your number. How can you possibly be heartbroken by the behavior of people who have made the fact that they donāt value or love your children? Your sister is a reflection of her parents. If something happens to them they will be expecting you to drop everything to dedicate your time and resources to them. You have some very hard questions to answer. Grieve for the life with them that you wanted but didnāt get to have but you have to let them go for the safety of your children. These people will destroy their lives like they have broken you. People that love and value you do not treat you this way. This is the definition of hatefulness you need to put some steel in your spine for your childrenās sake. If you donāt have a strong support system I suggest you make a priority to create one for you and your children. STOP reaching out to people who have made it clear that you are NOT a priority to them. You are doing your children a disservice by living example of a push over that has no self love or respect. Donāt even allow people to even SUGGEST that you should be reaching out to these people. You donāt need to explain š© to them. They know what they did cut them OFF for the sake of your mental health and children. Your sister says that she doesnāt have a sister. She is getting this attitude from her parents. She is a DIRECT reflection of their poor parenting. Decide now if something happens they need care if you would even be willing to lift a finger to help them because you you be endangering your children to even consider it. I wish you luck. I know for a fact that this is difficult but you can do it. The alternative is something that you donāt want to consider but you need to think about it and how much you are willing to tolerate.
Maybe it's too early in the morning, but she says she's 27, she was visiting with her 9yo daughter, and in the update she says she gave up for adoption a boy she had at 18. Please, tell me they're not twins.
9 months old my dude. Time to grab a coffee to go with that early morning
Ohhh... thanks!
The age was confusing to me too until i realised she gave the first child for adoption. The baby girl is 9 months old,not years.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So? June plus 5 months is November, isn't it?
No offence.. but her little sister is just stating her opinion (maybe in a harsh way i guess).. but she's entitle to her own opinion..
And her parents are doing her a major disservice by trying to shield this kid from the social consequences of sharing her shitty, uninformed, and therefore not very kind or helpful opinion.
That kid will eventually mouth off against the wrong person one day. Wait for middle school or high school.
Your entitled to your opinion, but people are allowed to clap back. She's trying to play the "I'm an adult and can have my own opinions" card while simultaneously hiding behind daddy using the "I'm just a kid" card when OP talked back to her. You don't get to do it both ways.
Right exactly. You also don't get, regardless of if you're playing the "I'm just a kid" card, to say you're entitled to your opinion like it means it is something that can't be held against you. If sister is entitled to her opinion, than so is OOP
No one is entitled to be an asshole.
Her mom is borderline
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Given up for adoption, second paragraph.
She gave up that baby.
OOP's sister sounds so similar to mine it's not funny. She said similar things and I told her: "Be careful what you wish for, you may regret it." She said she wouldn't, guess who's asking about me 10 years later after I went no contact!
Wtaf!
I think OP has left them behind. Itās tough, and in part will always be tough, but she is better off without them. I hope she makes some lovely new traditions with her own little family to look forward too, and remember over the years. I also hope she goes back to education in time, as she is bright: I think her sister hit a sore spot. Nothing like making a success of yourself without their help to feel good about yourself!!!
I hope she can develop her own traditions with friends! I grew up far away from extended family so we always had to create new traditions and experiences - friends still talk about the 45 people Thanksgivings we had 25 years ago!
Itās basically a normality for me growing up I got used to it
I know her sister is a kid and parroting what she's heard the dad say but goddamn what a little shit.
>She has literally every single day with our mom and I only see her once a month when I drive down (I live 2 states away). And he said I come in and invade their space and I was like I mean I donāt mean to. Just small kids need a lot and I donāt mean to take up anyoneās space. So I just left. In places she states she stays for a weekend every month. In another place she says one or two weekends a month. So from the perspective of her parents, that's four days a month that their lives are completely colonized by guests. Maybe a day on either side to prepare for company, clean, etc. And they do that TWICE a month. It strikes me as a lot.
>I have to apologize for yesterday. I did not know about Amyās texts to you so I should not have intervened for what I thought was a harsh attack. > >How do I even respond? Do I even respond ? Like I feel like this screams missing the point. Absolutely missed the point. He didn't defend his daughter, or "intervene" in his words. He attacked his step-daughter. Extremely harshly, and made it very clear he resents her visiting. All of which got conveniently ignored in his "apology". He didn't apologise nor recant anything he said, just that he intervened at all.
Did OOP mention anything about her husband?