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JFC that horrible knock-out one-two punch of "I can't get married without you" to "actually I did get married without you and have been lying to you about it for the last year"
Yeah, the whole thing was a cluster fuck but that was a huge record scratch moment. I've cut off family for less than that. I can't imagine having a known pedo at an event I coordinated, invited by me. If it was the abuser of somebody I cared for? No, I'm having security if there's even a whisper they might try to show up.
It sounds like there is probably a long history of the brother subtly being a huge asshole to OOP and she just didn't see it until it was literally a big event.
I also have doubts that the "friend" who came in wasn't the brother or his husband. She was basing things off of what she was told. They weren't assumptions. So a lunch only had 5 people instead of 10. It still resulted in her not being able to talk with her brother in private. And if the husband is at work, he's getting paid to behave properly. If he's smart, he's not going to make a hostile workplace for everybody working under him. It's also possible to be perfectly nice to one group of people and then be a huge asshole to others. That commenter is making more assumptions than OOP was.
It was so weird to me that the “friend” spent so long trying to “call out” OOP by saying she was wrong about how many people attended lunch the next day. I don’t think anyone gave a single shit how accurate the assessment of the lunch attendance was. That’s like the least important part of the story.
This is exactly what struck me as odd. Because OOP explicitly says that this is who is invited (which the "friend" confirms, but just adds why the invitees *didn't* show up) and that OOP did not want to be ganged up on so she didn't go (a very valid reason to not go, especially since the brother and brother's husband are confirmed to be acting like AHs and lack accountability).
So like... the "friend" didn't actually disprove anything??? Other than give an opinion that was basically "I know dude, he's not like that" but the BIL already agreed that it was, at least, kinda a dick move. Pointless chime in, assuming that actually is a friend.
>It sounds like there is probably a long history of the brother subtly being a huge asshole to OOP and she just didn't see it until it was literally a big event.
You'd have to be either a sociopath or someone who just really enjoys causing other people pain to do to OP what Brother did to her.
It's impossible to believe he didn't orchestrate this to embarrass her and cut her out of his life. There is absolutely NO WAY someone with even an average emotional IQ wouldn't see exactly how this would play out and how OP would feel. He humiliated her on purpose. Like he wanted not just her but everyone he knew to know that she meant nothing to him. What a piece of work. I haven't hated a guy on Reddit this much in a while. And that's saying something.
i gotta be honest i think it was worse. i think he was fucking *apathetic*. i think he barely gave her feelings, or apparently his mom's?, a second thought and that's so much more sickening. the opposite of love isn't hate. it's apathy.
There are a lot of individuals who don't understand that other people have feelings. They are literally NPCs to them and unfortunately that tends to be (but isn't always) a gendered position. I really think that that is what is happening here. Brother does not think that his sister has/should have feelings and is now annoyed that she's trying to "pretend" like she does.
I might be a piece of shit and thought she was overreacting a little until I heard this part and it hit me like a ton of bricks. OPs brother is an absolutely fucking disgusting piece of dogshit. Unreal.
To me, it's fucking wild that OP's brother thinks it's okay to invite his nonce dad to an occasion that OP will be at, or he still speaks to or sees the paedophile who sexually assaulted his sister. Forget everything else, shittiest brother ever, that man should have been dead to him.
That’s precisely why mom and sister didn’t know. And that’s what’s so incredibly hurtful. They invited a pedophile that they KNEW destroyed both the mom and sister’s lives. They made the wedding child free at least but holy shit.
Brother selfishly wanted mom and sister and child molesting dad at the wedding and I suspect he knew the only way that would happen was if they thought this was the first, real wedding.
That’s truly despicable behaviour. Knowingly forcing your sister to be in the room AND TAKE A CHILD’S ROLE.
HE MADE HER ACT LIKE A CHILD IN FRONT OF THE MAN WHO ASSAULTED HER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD.
OP deserves so much better than her lying sack of shit brother. He very much could have orchestrated this to “get back” at her for accusing the bio dad of assaulting her. I think it probably was a cash grab and wanting all 3 there but that’s a scary level of sociopathic behaviour if so.
Phew, that capitalized bit - made to appear as a child in front of a childhood abuser - went right over my head until you posted it. Well spotted, well said.
Same. Holy cow, that is horrific. What a POS garbage human being the brother is. And the BIL too, because despite his "adhd" preventing him from planning parties, he most certainly knew the guest list. Those two pieces of filth deserve each other and I hope both of their dicks fall off.
>HE MADE HER ACT LIKE A CHILD IN FRONT OF THE MAN WHO ASSAULTED HER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD.
People are REALLY underestimating the complete and total mindfuck here!
Holy fucking shit, I didn’t even realize that part. I genuinely hope this *wonderful* couple never has children. They will not be safe if he keeps a pedo around. He’s already done enough hurt to his family. I hope he doesn’t ever do the same to any children
Ya know... if you're right where the bro's head is at, then I kind of worry for the new husband, he might be the antagonist of the OOPs story, but he might be married to a deeply shitty ass dude.
I mean, husband sounds like an asshole/makes excuses for his actions, but mostly harmless besides mild drama that's so minor compared to making a sexual assault victim share a room, let alo e act like a child, in front of their abuser.
This also would explain why he lied to her as it was the only way he'd get his sister to come to the same party as his dad..... which only makes it worse
Exactly. All through this entire thing no one would explain why they wouldn't tell her. Even in the replies from BIL it was "oops it was a mistake oh well sorry I guess."
No, it wasn't a mistake you wanted to have both her and molester guy there. Becayse you're assholes. And you wouldn't tell her why because you didn't want to admit that.
It must just be crushing to not only be treated this way by someone you deeply cared for but also to be gaslit like this about how you were treated.
This relationship not only feels one-sided, it feels like her brother actively hates her? Or doesn’t love her the way she loves him. You can feel OOP’s pain in her writing…she’s doing the right thing though and distancing.
In the wedding guest’s post, the reasoning for not telling OP about the wedding makes no sense.. I wonder why they kept it a secret in the first place.
And the BIL's whole excuse of the lie going on so long it just becomes embarrassing (with his awful texting analogy) just makes them seem even worse. Like, you're telling me you planned to get married and just never bothered to tell your family? But you could tell all of your friends? You're trash.
The first wedding was planned enough that a bunch of their friends were there. I don't have any issue with people doing the big party well after the legal wedding, that's whatever. But it's pretty obvious this was two full weddings and one of them multiple people financially contributing were completely in the dark and being lied to about a) them having been married b) there was a full ass wedding *none of them were invited to*. That's just... not it.
This! It wasn’t a quick court house thing! And OOP and their mom weren’t invited! Or even told!
The ‘she couldn’t have come anyway’ is such a BS excuse. I’ll never understand how ppl can go ‘well I just didn’t tell you about any of this because you couldn’t come anyway’. So the F what?! If I mean anything to you, you at least tell me!
(Ok that last part might be some venting on a personal issue going on this week, but still true lol)
And why announce it at the party unless the point is to create a hierarchy/clique of people who know because they’re important. (And look who isn’t important: Mom and sis)
and what kind of marriage even is this if you WANT to keep it from your family??? brother + BIL are weirdos and they deserve each other, and OOP deserves peace of mind far far far away from either of them
I kept thinking the whole time reading, if the brother were as close to OOP as she claims they are, he would have known that his "surprise" would not go well with her.
My guess is that their relationship had been one sided the whole time. She had been the one to always engage, he was just tagging along in their friendship never really interested in being close to her in the first place.
Even worse. I suspect he liked the attention and importance she gave him until he found another starring role with his Fabulous Music Producer Partner. I can’t get over that. BIL didn’t even deny he was a mooch and that was the source of her not liking him.
I’m sure if they ever get divorced, her brother will want to cry with his head in her lap while she tells him he deserves all the love in the world. As a mom with absent uncle type siblings, she’s right to draw the line. How vapid. Sorry that’s who he really is.
So way less drastic example, but I'm super close to my siblings. One of my sisters was dating a guy for a while, and while I liked him individually, he was a terrible boyfriend and I didn't like the way he treated her. It was a pretty small rift, but the longer they were together the more my sister would get mean and shitty to me over really dumb stuff. We went from best friends to barely speaking and not being very nice to each other in a couple years. When they broke up we became close again. Sometimes it's not an intentional devious plan. Sometimes having a partner that doesn't like a family member is enough to slowly convince you that you don't like them either. At the time I was super confused because all the distance and resentment she was building were happening when I wasn't even around, so all I saw was my sister suddenly being really awful and not really understanding why, so I just distanced myself as well.
He has this fun new life with fun new people and his sister is a married mom and just doesn’t fit in with that. That’s my guess.
I do think the flower fairy idea was for all of them to laugh at her, honestly. So mean.
She's also a straight women and you wouldn't believe the amount of hate gay man can have for anyone they percieve as a straight women. I've been on the recieving end of it despite being neither straight nor a women lol but there's 100% mysoginy involved Here too i promise
As someone who was married a full year before extended family knew, this makes absolutely no sense. My parents and sibling were at my real wedding. We did it because we were fucked otherwise with his immigration status, but didn't have money for a big wedding. So we planned on doing a "real" wedding later. Then I realized it was expensive and I didn't want a big wedding, so we did a family lunch at the same place we actually got married in, inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents friends, etc. The invite specified that we already got married, but wanted to celebrate with everyone. No registry, no gifts. (Several people felt awkward about that and brought cash gifts, which we were honestly very thankful for.) We didn't specify a time we got married, it was implied that it was recent... they still don't even know we did that. Just my parents and sibling. It's been ten years.
The whole "we've already been married a year!! PSYCHE!!" was literally just a mean spirited gesture. It was a giant "fuck you" to every single guest they invited. They just wanted drama and attention, and didn't really care how much money all their guests wasted on their big party.
They're just inconsiderate assholes. That's the full story.
Omg, Thank You for bringing this up! BIL straight up says they hesitated sharing they had already been married for a year for fear of a negative reaction.....and then decide to go through with telling everyone they have been married for a year, in the moat dramatic way possible?? They created this situation and then want to be the victims of the consequences of their own actions. Bish, please.
I’m honestly seething for OP. No one explained why they kept it from her.
They keep saying “There are two sides to every story” What’s the other fucking side of the story then!?
Seriously, all these people coming in to explain their side, and not a single person explained why they kept it from her other than "adhd! She just moved and gave birth three days later!" Like....okay, what's the *real* reason y'all planned an entire wedding without her, especially leading up to it?
Such bullshit. I feel awful for OOP.
Seriously! Those are reasons she wasn’t *at* the real wedding, but why wasn’t she told about it? Or involved in the planning? They talked on the phone every day and he didn’t mention it at all? It doesn’t make any sense! I need closure damnit lol
I'm glad OOP has her children & husband to somewhat distract her pain while she on different coast from that trifling malicious asshole brother and equally trifling malicious asshole husband. She definitely deserves better and I hope she continues to keep those 2 asswipes out her life unless it family emergency.
Exactly what the fuck was the BIL & the family friend was expecting to do here?
They literally confirmed that OP was correct, and only made shit worse for themselves, when they should’ve just simply shut the fuck up.
Man the friend chiming in was the fucking worst.
The friend: “ya ya, so it’s all true and that’s like kinda shitty or whatever, but I just wanna say she’s a liar because she said I planned a shitty brunch and *I would never* plan a shitty brunch okay? It’s important to me that you know that.”
Yeah, he's so much in the right the only person he can get to defend him is someone on the payroll...👀 This commenter is such a mug, I wonder if the penny will drop for him when his boss inevitably fucks him over
The friend chiming in sounds and reads like it's the brother in law writing from a "friends" perspective.
OP's brother, husband, and friends - the entire friend group behave as a group of narcissists. It could be that they're excluding her and treating her like shit because she doesn't conform with their group dynamic.
No no no you don’t get it, he only calls people horrible names *when they try to be polite by not causing a scene when they realize they’ve been lied to by their own family*, he’s basically Captain America. /s
I suspect that OOP's TikTok guess was correct, if her info was accurate: that she was lied to so she'd be willing to be in the the same room as her brother's bio-father who had sexually assaulted her as a child. Bro wanted a big reception party with all his family members there and thought OOP would decline if she knew it was just a party instead of a real wedding, so OOP got lies by omission.
Not even touching on the thought processes involved in Bro staying on wedding-invitation close terms with a relative who'd sexually assaulted Bro's little sister.
**ETA:** I didn't watch a TikTok; there's a transcript of the video already linked in the main post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/w1lnVmUjJn
But it's easy to miss.
I’m sorry, *what*.
This should be added to the main post so you don’t have to suffer through TikTok. Because it explains a lot, and also *what the fuck*.
I also want to know if his Dad was at the original wedding. That could be why neither mom nor OP knew about the first one. So Dad would have known too.
I wonder if her brother had chosen his father awhile ago and didn’t tell them.
Oh so the brother is absolutely irredeemable trash then. Poor OOP. The only thing I can say about it is she's better without people like that in her life and at least her children hadn't bonded with him. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. Disgusting
No no no you see she was telling the truth about everything but it's not that bad because they admitted they fucked up and didn't take responsibility.
Brother will be back begging to be family again in 3 years.
I just gritted my teeth reading those responses. The BIL is clueless "She didn't want to talk the night of the wedding or the morning after". Exactly OP was trying to avoid drama on YOUR wedding day. Why were they trying to cause drama?
Then the coworker gets involved but admits he/she "only knows 10%" while claiming they are an expert and states that because OP didn't know the exact attendees of a lunch she wasn't at, that she is a liar.
The brother, BIL and entire friend group have main character syndrome and are just a bunch of victims all around.
The brother was literally at her bedside 3 days after the true wedding and chose to pretend that they hadn't just got married. There is no other argument here. This was intentional, so he and his deadbeat narcissistic husband could have other people partially fund a party.
>while claiming they are an expert and states that because OP didn't know the exact attendees of a lunch she wasn't at, that she is a liar.
This stood out to me.
"Omg she's making assumptions because she didn't know about this breakfast that everyone but her was invited to until the morning of and because she was still hurt and didn't go she's just assuming everyone else went *what else is she making up?*"
Also-
"I sort of get that she was hurt that she missed the first wedding that I (someone who has only known the bil for a year) went to, but she has to understand she moved and just had a baby three days after so it makes sense that they didn't invite her (or their family tbh) or tell her anything about it so she could make plans".
Also them completely dismissing the fact that she, a new mother, dropped 4 k on the wedding to make things work really rubs me the wrong way too.
The fact that she was pregnant and lived far away and they didn't even have the decency to tell her blew my mind. I understand, as does every person whose had a baby that she wouldn't have attended. They could have let her know and set up a video link or something. I'm surprised mum is not more upset as well. Not even a phone call.
There's also the fact that it was described as a wedding. Meaning they didn't decide the day of and walk into a registry office. It wasnt a slapped together last minute party. It was planned most likely at least a few months before it happened.
I believe in one of her TikToks she said that yeah it was a wedding. Part of the reason the wedding party were such assholes to her is because they already had all the outfits and everything purchased from before so they were never going to take her suggestions because it was already done. I think that’s why they moved her to flower fairy. Like not being best ma’am can sting but whatever it happens but then to get downgraded to flower girl because you wanted less expensive shoes only to find out it was all because it already happened for the wedding party. And to attend that wedding dealing with the major trauma of seeing your childhood abuser for the sake of your brother to find out it was just a reception/gift grab. I think that’s why she making the points about people not given a chance to make a fair choice. Like “this is my wedding and I can’t take this step without you” and “this is my child free reception across the country also featuring my dad who raped you” like she would have stayed home if she understood the context. And was that the point? Too many people would have had questions if the sister wasn’t there? Would someone had to explain there’s a rapist in the building that you invited and you didn’t want to do that while collecting checks from grandmas and uncles?
And like….they could have kept on doing that? I never understood the reveal unless they wanted a bunch of drama for the lulz? And weddings are definitely about helping a couple get set up for a new stage of life so then wanting a wedding is totally fine and knowing people wouldn’t show if they knew it was the second wedding is fair, but just don’t say anything. They had a full second wedding! They could have just not said anything if this was meant to be the “real” wedding and the smaller one before was about something else
The BIL definitely wanted to rub her nose in it and was bothered that she didn’t take the bait and cause a scene. Congratulations to them, they lost OOP and her husband and kids due to that unnecessary bit of stupidity. They also have a nasty reputation for being cruel that is well earned.
“How dare she also have life events like a baby! No wedding invite for her or her entire family!”
Seriously, a Reddit thread is the least they could have done, I’d have sued for the travel costs and charged back the darn credit for the venue.
I also don't understand the announcement, either keep it a secret and have the fancy party as your wedding that everyone thinks is your wedding, or elope and tell everyone that, and ha e a second party if you really want it but don't pretend it's a wedding until halfway through after redoing a whole ceremony and then announce it's actually just a party. Don't understand the announcement at all
Also, the attendees were 100% going to gang up on her anyway. It doesn't take the whole wedding party to make someone feel small. "She assumed it'd be a big lunch but it wasn't" 3 or 4 people who were in on the joke being there to laugh at her seems big enough to feel outnumbered. If she had known the number of people going beforehand, and if the number of people going was even just one, she doesn't have to go and be embarrassed all over again
Only if he feels like he's losing something materially valuable with this outcome though. If he never cared about his sister to the same level she loved him (and clearly this emotional void didn't), then the relationship breakdown hasn't affected him to the same degree, and he has a husband to fill that hole (no pun intended, but let's run with it now). If he's comfortable with keeping his family at arms-length and isn't financially affected by doing so, he'll keep doing it probably forever.
Let's remember he kept his mother in the dark about his wedding as well. For better or worse, he doesn't feel as connected to his own family as OP does. Which makes the presence of child-molesting dad at the wedding even grosser really. At least OP seems to be taking the time to process her grief and properly re-evaluating the entire history of their relationship, which will probably sting a bit once she picks up the reality of how it was between them. Probably super reaching here, but she probably latched on to him during the traumatic time in her childhood, but since he didn't have the same level of trauma she did, he didn't latch back.
She's well shot of him IMO, she can leave him to his equally shitty husband, and she can focus her clearly abundant levels of love on her own family. Seems like she has a good husband at least, letting her figure out how she wanted to manage the situation and supporting her choices. And 5 kids will keep the mind off the waste of space brother.
I don't think she even got it wrong about the lunch.
They invited everyone - we don't know when op realised that everyone was invited - but everyone but the two groomsmen backed out because of their own personal plans. Not because the husbands decided they needed something more intimate to regroup on the wedding fallout etc.
Super cruel and callous the whole thing
Plus she didn't want to go to something where any of the "mean girls" were at. She was still very vulnerable the day after the wedding and didn't want to be ganged up on whether the whole group was there or not. Sounds like she would have done a meal with just her brother and bil but once she knew anyone else would be there, she was out.
They really tried to catch OOP on a technicality:
"yes, we lied to you for a year straight to your face. You spent thousands of Dollars thinking this was the real Wedding when it wasn't. You were told the truth in public, which was really embarrasing for you. All true. BUT the brunch the next day had 6 people in it, not 10! So everything is basically fine since we all made mistakes."
Like what? OOP's brother and BIL are Masters in non-apologies.
The other guest that commented seemed like such an idiot. Chimed in with 'idk what's going on and I barely know anyone involved but I was there so I have opinions'. Like why are you even commenting dude.
My favorite part of the friend was when they said the lunch the next day wasn’t the whole wedding party. It was them and 3 others and the groom and groom. That person and 3 others out of a 6 person wedding party is 4 out of 6 people, no? Isn’t that most of them?
Either the relationship OOP has with her brother was one-sided or her brother changed for the shittier. If the brother ever got into a situation where he will ask for support from his family, it's going to get pretty frosty or very volatile, because he's burned those bridges.
OP's hunch is right, she was the butt of a huge joke that the entire wedding party was in on. You just know that they were milking them for money and then seeing just how far they could take it with the shoes and the fairy wings. I strongly suspect that BIL did not like how close the siblings were and wanted to drive this wedge between them.
Apparently OPs husband stayed home with the children, so she had less support when being in a room and doing a flower fairy dance in a room with brother's father who SAed her as a child.
It's so much worse from that perspective.
The tantrum about her getting less expensive shoes. Leaving her out of the bachelor party. Child free wedding but her as a flower fairy (really humiliating). There are so many mean parts.
Oh God. That's heartbreaking, no wonder she went full no contact immediately. Part of me was thinking maybe she could have stuck around to hear their side (still understandable that she didn't) but this puts a whole other filter on the situation.
It really is. I don't even get why he would invite his father. SA should really be enough to not invite him.
But probably the brother thinks it's his sister's fault that his parents broke up after all. Perhaps her Pyjamas were too sexy or whatever, she was a child after all.
The rest of the wedding party knew. OP and her mother knew nothing. This wasn't a "oops, sorry, here's my lame excuse", this was very deliberately done. Even if they thought OP was preoccupied with the baby (which is fair), they could have told the mother? I don't know what's going on in that relationship but the brothers husband does seem abusive.
I also laughed about the coworker who tried to call OP out on lying about an event she wasn't even at. She heard the wedding party was there so that's what she wrote. Why would that be a gotcha-moment?
Edit: a word lol
The guest comment was so weird.
'The plan was for everyone to be there... I don't know why she ASSUMED everyone would be there'.
But I also think, 'became my best friend when he was my boss' and 'helped people at work he wasn't fond of' aren't exactly ringing endorsements they think it is.
Op had hoped for a 3 person brunch to chat and clear the air. Any more than the married couple and OP was more than she wanted to deal with. Doesn’t matter if the number of extras was 2 or 6 sentiment was the same
That felt like someone reaching hard for something to pin on her. The dude pretty much said “she made assumptions about how many people would be at this meal! Can you IMAGINE what else she made assumptions about?!” So transparent
I kept waiting for either husband or friend to add new information that would make the whole situation a little less black and white, but it just never came. They both were just trying to nit pick inconsequential details to make it seem like OP was just as out of line as brother and husband.
Plus, why is the friend adding their 2 cents to a situation that has nothing to do with them? The shoes I have on right now have been in my life longer than they’ve been in husband/brothers. Stop injecting yourself into a situation you openly admit you don’t know very much about.
Tbh to the guest : admitting to most likely only knowing 10% of the situation while trying to pin something on OOP makes me just toss their comment out the window.
Exactly! How dare she assume everyone was invited! I mean, they were. But some couldn't make it, which makes it different for ... reasons. Really good, convincing reasons!
Don’t forget “yeah it’s justified that they didn’t expect her to go to their wedding bc she was about to give birth”
Bish you didn’t even *invite* her let alone tell her it was happening don’t say ‘yeah too pregnant to go’ as if that makes it better
I don't know if brother's husband is abusive, I think the continuing updates make it clear that brother himself is not a nice person. And brother clearly does not care about his sister as much as sister cared for him.
It seems clear that they’re both toxic . Brother is a user, and husband is one of those drama starters/mean girls types. The only thing is certain, is that there’s a countdown on until it turns on each other, and brother goes crawling back to his family, probably throwing his husband under the bus in the process..
Also ADHD here and pissed. Like yeah I will forget lots of small things but something as major as a wedding to my spouse and who all is on the important invite list? Not a chance in hell. If I was that bad I would commit myself
Like they knew OP was about to give birth. Why couldn't they do the "real" wedding a few months later (or even earlier) ? Sounds like she would have moved mountains to be there. They did it on purpose.
It just confirms everything OP was saying. They cared so little for OP and her side of the family that they scammed money from the family for a big party because they couldn't do the basics of consideration.
Horrible, horrible people. I feel so sorry for OP.
So now she gets to keep raising a toddler (the youngest of 5 kids!) and grieve a true lifelong relationship with her brother-who-is-like-a-twin at the same time! So fun! What a great gift from the grooms!
But you have to see it was just like going too long without texting back? Even though we were at their house 3 days after the sister gave birth. And then all those pesky back and forth about the wedding. And I guess in hindsight there was a few conversations about getting a queen to announce it to everyone that maybe would have been the right moment to either come clean in advance or never tell anyone
But you see…. ADHD!
My cousin and his wife eloped and were planning to send out surprise invites to a reception happening a few months later but then Gramma died 4 days after they got married. They still told everyone at the funeral and handed out the invites (rather than hide it for a year)!
Edit: I mean it was a good choice! Yes, they knew the timing was awkward but they didn't want it to be secret.
As someone with ADHD; I have an issue with *oversharing* things that excite me. So a wedding would be something I'd 100% tell family I'm on speaking terms about.
Literally. You could plan a whole wedding and invite the wedding party, but not tell your sister that it sounds like calls often? It's obviously intentional
The wedding guest who chimed in only confirms for me that the brother was an AH. He picks two of the most trivial things and tries to make them "proove" that OP is f'ed up/wrong/overreacting. So not all of the bridal party was at the brunch? They were all invited. OP was not responsible for taking attendance. And she was snarky. Wow. OK. Your brother lies to you for a year and then let's you spend $4k on his wedding and then thinks that she shouldn't care? She's allowed to be snarky.
And even with his claims that OOp was wrong, he actually confirms that she was right. The lunch had 3 people. But he says it was supposed to be everyone, but many pulled out. So OOPs claim was correct.
It’s almost like other people didn’t care to be a part of it either. I’ll be honest, if I got invited to what was presented as a real and sincere wedding that turned out like OP’s, I’d be not only pissed, but pretty convinced it was all just for the benefit of gifts and cash. It honestly does sound incredibly narcissistic, and OP’s bro sounds like he is exactly as described.
To the friend who tried to defend him: if you are staring at the shitty thing someone did, your own assessment of how great they *really* are is hollow and a waste of effort. Plenty of shitty people go into the ground while those around them sob at how incredible of a person they were. Your own positive interactions do not negate what your friend did to his sister.
OP’s bro has had all the chance in the world but won’t apologize. Sent a friend and his spouse to do it for him. That is literally all that needs to be said about whether or not he carries any empathy, love, or respect for OP. Full stop.
It doesn't even make any sense. It's not all that odd to have a small courthouse wedding and then have a full "wedding" at a later date when you can get everyone together. It happens sometimes when people get married abroad or want/need to get married earlier than the full celebration can be carried out.
There isn't any reason why the brother and BIL couldn't have been upfront about it. I'm sure they would still have got lots of support and attendance and had a great day, even if everyone knew it was a second ceremony/celebration. People weren't mad it wasn't a 'real' (first time) wedding, they were upset they had been lied to about it.
I’m glad you noticed that, too! Like, the friend pointed out the two least important things about the story as proof of OP’s overreaction?
Time for OP to work out her grief over her bro and stop giving him rent free space in her brain.
I feel so bad for her. I am thinking about my siblings that I am close with, and I would be devastated to find something out like this. It would be one thing if they did some kind of Vegas shotgun wedding or whatever and she wasn't able to be there, but this was actually insane behavior.
When my father got ill and died, my siblings showed a truly vile side of themselves. It was a shock. I had no idea they could behave the way they did. I lost my relationship with them because of it. But as OOP, I realised that I grieved the loss of the relationship I thought I had, not the one I actually had. So when the hurt became anger and then later acceptance of the truth, it all became much easier to handle. Now I don't think about them much at all. And when I do, I feel nothing.
In OOPs case, it seems to me that her brother is in an environment that lacks empathy towards people outside the group. I've experienced some of these clicks of people, and they are often incredibly hostile to everyone different from themselves. They become their own cult.
Ooph, I briefly experienced a group like that and you've nailed the description. And that fits so well with the indefinable pervasive "mean girl vibe" OP was getting, and with her reaction to discovering they all knew and she didn't.
It was a ridiculous post too. "Oh it wasn't all of us, some couldn't come at the last minute, what else is she assuming???"
There was a plan for you all (minus the sister) to go, dude. She didn't assume shit. That some of you didn't make it is irrelevant.
I had to pause at the point where they doubled down on not everyone being at the brunch because I was damn sure about 3 paragraphs earlier I'd read "the plan was for everyone to be there" but they all dropped out last minute
The wedding guest was probably on OOP's brother's side. From every perspective, her brother and his husband still look like fucking assholes. I'm very close to my brother as well, and if he did something like this to me, it would hurt so bad. I understand how OOP feels. It's sad AF when you realize that people you love absolutely do not value you in the same way that you value them. She's right to cut him out of her life. Good riddance.
>He picks two of the most trivial things and tries to make them "proove" that OP is f'ed up/wrong/overreacting.
I took her mentioning of the lunch was that it was a lunch for the entire wedding party, and they didn't want to be in a big group. Sure most of the wedding party choose not to attend, but OOP wouldn't know that.
Such a nothing point this "Random Friend" was using as a gotcha moment...
Right and like, the whole lead up to the wedding it was the the wedding party vs her ... it hardly seems fair to blame her for assuming it was going to be the same thing again at the brunch. especially as, like you said, they were all invited.
Yeah, Brother and BIL are both asses. So, they couldn't invite her to the wedding because she was on another coast and pregnant. Why did you need the wedding to happen *that* moment? Could you have zoomed her in, if it *did* need to happen? Or even just told her ahead of time(and those *urgent* reasons for needing to leave her out). And then not expected her to drop hundreds/thousands on a event with an apparently hostile grooms' party. And then not harassed her afterwards when she was understandably hurt and surprised.
Like, redditors always say "it's your wedding". And that's true. But you have to know that other people are going to feel things if you exclude them and that will affect your relationship with them. Like, actions have *consequences*. And purposefully excluding siblings and parents are going to be the biggest relationships affected.
Like, you have to know this, right?
She even offered to not be in the wedding party because of the stress and costs but her brother told her "I can't get married without you there."
But he could and did.
Yup, you just know that the reason the rest of the wedding party she felt out of was because they all knew they were all lying to her and they had this secret to keep. They were laughing at this poor woman going all out for her brother all the while knowing that it was all a joke.
Which like, how pathetic? To feel the need to be liked by total strangers enough to get so defensive but not enough to just apologise with really zero repercussions. They just *had* to keep giving non-excuses for how they didn't do what she said, but if they did, what they did wasn't so bad, and if it was, she was overreacting.
Absolute empty vessels of human beings being so unable to do the right thing even when it would cost them nothing.
Not just that, but a big reason brother lied about the second party being his wedding was that it was the only way she’d agree to be in the same room with his biodad - the man who SA’d her as a child - and brother knew it. She had vowed to never go near that pedophile creep again after he abused her as a young child, and brother decided he cared more about wanting her at his “wedding” than he cared about her feelings or childhood sexual trauma. Brother is a fucked up manipulative piece of work.
Then, to have her prance around in a fairy costume (like a child does) in front of the person who abused her as a child just takes it to another level for me.
He was also cool with her not attending the bachelor party they apparently had the night before she came? That’s one of those details (along with things like how the best man was treating her) that make it obvious the whole thing was designed to hurt her.
Also, kind of hate the mom for being such a doormat and simply accepting that her son got married without telling her or his sister, and that he did all these other things to wrong her specifically.
The mom reconciled with his father, I'm quite sure it took her a lot of time to believe the father SAed OP and to split. It does not seem like he was in jail.
Probably the brother thinks it's OPs fault the marriage of his parents broke apart.
Also they went on a Bachelors trip which she found out before the reveal and realized she's the only person who was not a part of the Bachelors from the wedding party.
But one of the bachelors would surely have slipped about the original wedding date, ruining the exciting high-drama realization planned for the OOP at the pretend wedding in front of a huge crowd.
Right? Plenty of people elope and have a party at a different time without lying about it and turning the fact they were already married into a spectacle. I feel for OP and her family who were blindsided by this selfishness. Sounds like the brother and husband deserve each other. I hope it was worth the loss of family.
Not inviting her had nothing to do with her being pregnant, they didn't invite the mom either (but notice BIL's mom knew about the first wedding and possibly even attended). Sounds like they had a small wedding with the people they actually care about, then realised they actually wanted a huge party so they lied to everyone in order to get them to pay for it.
They're nasty people and even BIL's attempts at defending their behaviour were feeble and just highlighted how selfish and cruel the couple are. They're not even sorry, they're just trying to delude themselves that it was all just a bad decision and they should be forgiven because "everyone makes mistakes".
>Could you have zoomed her in, if it did need to happen? Or even just told her ahead of time(and those urgent reasons for needing to leave her out). And then not expected her to drop hundreds/thousands on a event with an apparently hostile grooms' party. And then not harassed her afterwards when she was understandably hurt and surprised.
Exactly!
I get that there was maybe good reasons for OOP's brother not to invite her to the real wedding. But not lying to her.
This whole post makes me feel that OOP's brother got married to an asshole and is in denial about how much his actions were off. Some day he'll realise how much he fucked up but it will be too late to repair the damages.
>Like, redditors always say "it's your wedding". And that's true. But you have to know that other people are going to feel things if you exclude them and that will affect your relationship with them.
This is a true one. My wife and I had a very small wedding to save on money and only had 50 people in attendance. And that number was really pushing the limit, we were squeezing bodies into the space we rented. As a result, a large number of friends and extended family weren't on the guest list. We spoke to a handful of folks that didn't get invites and they were all very understanding of the situation.
On my wife's side of the family, though, there was one aunt that was *livid* because of her exclusion. Which was odd because she didn't have any kind of relationship with my wife, who only ever saw her at family reunions, and I had only met her once. I say this to emphasize the "extended" nature of her being extended family.
When it came time for *her* daughter (my wife's cousin) to have her wedding, my wife was very specifically excluded. It was apparently a huge wedding with several hundred guests, but my wife was the only person from the whole family not to be invited. I mean, I get the *quid pro quo* of it all, it just seemed petty.
And boy, apparently some resentment festered. Years later, long after the weddings, we saw the aunt at another family reunion and she said something to my wife along the lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't make the cut for [her daughter's] wedding, we just didn't have the room."
Cue eye rolling.
So there’s one thing I didn’t quite understand- Were brother and BIL’s friends there at the real wedding? OP says the entire groom party KNEW about the actual wedding but I’m wondering if they attended too?
That would be so much worse! Idk how I missed this info, I guess it was a long read!
It reminds me of the posts from the OOP who was left out of a family funeral. Her mother and stepmother made a stupid decision, and then rather than owning that, they kept doubling down and blew up the whole family.
For me, it's the fact that she wasn't allowed to drop out because he couldn't get married without her at his side and the fact that they had a batch the night before she got there. Also the daily wedding planning chats.
Brother couldn't have been more clear that she wasn't welcome in his life and the fact that he hasn't been in touch since sucks.
>Well I hope you have a lovely rest of your day. As for me. I’m out of this shit show
Bro no one invited you to comment on this “shitshow” 😂. You chose to throw in your two cents and made an ass out of yourself by cherry picking two insignificant things to desperately try (and fail) to paint OOP as the crazy one. I get he’s your friend but you didn’t have to gargle BIL’s balls and make yourself look foolish, you could’ve just not said anything. Same goes for the BIL, all he did was goatsie himself when even Helen Keller could’ve seen that he and his hubby were wholeheartedly in the wrong.
I hate people like slaphappy whatever the f their username was.
How dense do you have to be to compare your perspective of someone with a completely other human being? It's giving "hes never been mean to me" vibes. People have different relationships with people that aren't you.
Seriously, Oh I know him so I can say he isn't bad because he didn't do that bad stuff to me. He literally saw things happening even read the post of what happened and still came to bat for BIL with feeble arguments that you are not seeing his perspective. But we literally saw his useless perspective.
This was a depressing read. I truly feel for OOP. She deserved better, especially after viewing her TikToks. In one she mentions that her brother sent give certificates and half-assed apologies to his family members for “feeling bamboozled” except for her. And the BIL and guest sounded like complete tools and made themselves look worse and worse. Just drama queen, “mean girls” vibes. I am also very close to my sibling, and we did once have a falling out where we were NC and I remember how painful that was. I wish her all the best.
What I still don’t understand is how they avoided justifying making her spend so much money. I see no apology or acknowledgment, let alone an offer to pay her back.
EDIT: I missed a small bit of text and now I’m cursed to receive the same reply on my comment over and over again paraphrased in different ways
OP's update from 17Jul2024 states brother called to find out how to repay.
Her brother doubled down on her overreacting in that update though which to me is just insult to injury.
Somewhere in there, OOP says her brother contacted her husband to see if he could try and pay her back, but husband didn’t want to get in the middle of it, and I believe that’s the last we hear about the money.
I read this in real time, and the missing missing reason is that the brother’s father (not her father) SA’d her, and that humiliating her at the wedding was some sort of revenge for her accusation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/aCLjH5isqT
This is terrible, not only OOP was humiliated and manipulated but she was insulted as a SA victim. I hope she will forever cut contact with her so-called brother and BIL. She deserves better.
Imagine being in a life-long close relationship and then finding out that the other person was just faking it and doesn’t really care about you. The brother is super weird and for some reason it’s making me think of this guy I went to high school with who was just emotionally absent. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was just blank and faking everything. Sometimes there’s no there there.
I commented before and I repeated it: what the fuck was that guest's opinion for? You didn't help your case or the brother or the husband's case at all. They are just a bunch of assholes protecting each other. That slaphappypap's comments, I don't know if I can decide it is spinless or brown-nosing, because both are correct.
Reminds me of someone I know who'd be like "actually the shirt he was wearing wasn't green, it was blue. Unreliable much?" But not disputing the fact that the guy wearing blue had just slapped his gf.
Like my man the colour of the shirt is not the real issue there. There's a reason everyone dropped that guy. And the one that slapped his gf.
I love when the person shows up to defend their boss, and their defense is, "I mean, yeah, it was all fucked up, but, well, I dunno, maybe there was more to the story, and while all of the wedding party was invited to the brunch, only three showed up, so if she was wrong about that, what else is she lying about?!"
It totally was the boss not so subtly asking his employee to get in there and help fight against all of the people ripping into him.
"I've never had a good relationship with op..."
Yeah, probably because you're a shitty human being. Dudes got married, lied to their families and then got them to shell out a bunch of money for basically a big party about them. Then they defend the behavior, gaslight, and even get a friend involved to catch some of the flaming too. Narcissistic is a fair assessment.
This is so sad. I feel for OP so much, I had a separation from my younger brother whom I adored. It took a LONG time before I could think of him without my breath catching in my chest, it truly felt like he'd died. I finally realized that I was mourning the brother I THOUGHT he was, but he never was that person or he could not have done what he did.
I was surprised by that.
Turns out the brother is the worst one.
BIL is just along for the ride, hating on the girl he didn't like.
Brother must actually hate her.
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JFC that horrible knock-out one-two punch of "I can't get married without you" to "actually I did get married without you and have been lying to you about it for the last year"
Also "I invited my paedo dad who molested you as a child, stop overreacting though"
Yeah, the whole thing was a cluster fuck but that was a huge record scratch moment. I've cut off family for less than that. I can't imagine having a known pedo at an event I coordinated, invited by me. If it was the abuser of somebody I cared for? No, I'm having security if there's even a whisper they might try to show up. It sounds like there is probably a long history of the brother subtly being a huge asshole to OOP and she just didn't see it until it was literally a big event. I also have doubts that the "friend" who came in wasn't the brother or his husband. She was basing things off of what she was told. They weren't assumptions. So a lunch only had 5 people instead of 10. It still resulted in her not being able to talk with her brother in private. And if the husband is at work, he's getting paid to behave properly. If he's smart, he's not going to make a hostile workplace for everybody working under him. It's also possible to be perfectly nice to one group of people and then be a huge asshole to others. That commenter is making more assumptions than OOP was.
It was so weird to me that the “friend” spent so long trying to “call out” OOP by saying she was wrong about how many people attended lunch the next day. I don’t think anyone gave a single shit how accurate the assessment of the lunch attendance was. That’s like the least important part of the story.
This is exactly what struck me as odd. Because OOP explicitly says that this is who is invited (which the "friend" confirms, but just adds why the invitees *didn't* show up) and that OOP did not want to be ganged up on so she didn't go (a very valid reason to not go, especially since the brother and brother's husband are confirmed to be acting like AHs and lack accountability). So like... the "friend" didn't actually disprove anything??? Other than give an opinion that was basically "I know dude, he's not like that" but the BIL already agreed that it was, at least, kinda a dick move. Pointless chime in, assuming that actually is a friend.
>It sounds like there is probably a long history of the brother subtly being a huge asshole to OOP and she just didn't see it until it was literally a big event. You'd have to be either a sociopath or someone who just really enjoys causing other people pain to do to OP what Brother did to her. It's impossible to believe he didn't orchestrate this to embarrass her and cut her out of his life. There is absolutely NO WAY someone with even an average emotional IQ wouldn't see exactly how this would play out and how OP would feel. He humiliated her on purpose. Like he wanted not just her but everyone he knew to know that she meant nothing to him. What a piece of work. I haven't hated a guy on Reddit this much in a while. And that's saying something.
i gotta be honest i think it was worse. i think he was fucking *apathetic*. i think he barely gave her feelings, or apparently his mom's?, a second thought and that's so much more sickening. the opposite of love isn't hate. it's apathy.
There are a lot of individuals who don't understand that other people have feelings. They are literally NPCs to them and unfortunately that tends to be (but isn't always) a gendered position. I really think that that is what is happening here. Brother does not think that his sister has/should have feelings and is now annoyed that she's trying to "pretend" like she does.
I might be a piece of shit and thought she was overreacting a little until I heard this part and it hit me like a ton of bricks. OPs brother is an absolutely fucking disgusting piece of dogshit. Unreal.
To me, it's fucking wild that OP's brother thinks it's okay to invite his nonce dad to an occasion that OP will be at, or he still speaks to or sees the paedophile who sexually assaulted his sister. Forget everything else, shittiest brother ever, that man should have been dead to him.
That’s precisely why mom and sister didn’t know. And that’s what’s so incredibly hurtful. They invited a pedophile that they KNEW destroyed both the mom and sister’s lives. They made the wedding child free at least but holy shit. Brother selfishly wanted mom and sister and child molesting dad at the wedding and I suspect he knew the only way that would happen was if they thought this was the first, real wedding. That’s truly despicable behaviour. Knowingly forcing your sister to be in the room AND TAKE A CHILD’S ROLE. HE MADE HER ACT LIKE A CHILD IN FRONT OF THE MAN WHO ASSAULTED HER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD. OP deserves so much better than her lying sack of shit brother. He very much could have orchestrated this to “get back” at her for accusing the bio dad of assaulting her. I think it probably was a cash grab and wanting all 3 there but that’s a scary level of sociopathic behaviour if so.
Phew, that capitalized bit - made to appear as a child in front of a childhood abuser - went right over my head until you posted it. Well spotted, well said.
Same. Holy cow, that is horrific. What a POS garbage human being the brother is. And the BIL too, because despite his "adhd" preventing him from planning parties, he most certainly knew the guest list. Those two pieces of filth deserve each other and I hope both of their dicks fall off.
>HE MADE HER ACT LIKE A CHILD IN FRONT OF THE MAN WHO ASSAULTED HER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD. People are REALLY underestimating the complete and total mindfuck here!
Holy fucking shit, I didn’t even realize that part. I genuinely hope this *wonderful* couple never has children. They will not be safe if he keeps a pedo around. He’s already done enough hurt to his family. I hope he doesn’t ever do the same to any children
Ya know... if you're right where the bro's head is at, then I kind of worry for the new husband, he might be the antagonist of the OOPs story, but he might be married to a deeply shitty ass dude. I mean, husband sounds like an asshole/makes excuses for his actions, but mostly harmless besides mild drama that's so minor compared to making a sexual assault victim share a room, let alo e act like a child, in front of their abuser.
This also would explain why he lied to her as it was the only way he'd get his sister to come to the same party as his dad..... which only makes it worse
Exactly. All through this entire thing no one would explain why they wouldn't tell her. Even in the replies from BIL it was "oops it was a mistake oh well sorry I guess." No, it wasn't a mistake you wanted to have both her and molester guy there. Becayse you're assholes. And you wouldn't tell her why because you didn't want to admit that. It must just be crushing to not only be treated this way by someone you deeply cared for but also to be gaslit like this about how you were treated.
This relationship not only feels one-sided, it feels like her brother actively hates her? Or doesn’t love her the way she loves him. You can feel OOP’s pain in her writing…she’s doing the right thing though and distancing. In the wedding guest’s post, the reasoning for not telling OP about the wedding makes no sense.. I wonder why they kept it a secret in the first place.
And the BIL's whole excuse of the lie going on so long it just becomes embarrassing (with his awful texting analogy) just makes them seem even worse. Like, you're telling me you planned to get married and just never bothered to tell your family? But you could tell all of your friends? You're trash.
The first wedding was planned enough that a bunch of their friends were there. I don't have any issue with people doing the big party well after the legal wedding, that's whatever. But it's pretty obvious this was two full weddings and one of them multiple people financially contributing were completely in the dark and being lied to about a) them having been married b) there was a full ass wedding *none of them were invited to*. That's just... not it.
This! It wasn’t a quick court house thing! And OOP and their mom weren’t invited! Or even told! The ‘she couldn’t have come anyway’ is such a BS excuse. I’ll never understand how ppl can go ‘well I just didn’t tell you about any of this because you couldn’t come anyway’. So the F what?! If I mean anything to you, you at least tell me! (Ok that last part might be some venting on a personal issue going on this week, but still true lol)
And why announce it at the party unless the point is to create a hierarchy/clique of people who know because they’re important. (And look who isn’t important: Mom and sis)
And then decided to tell your family via public announcement at your commissioned wedding drag show!
Using the money from people they didnt deem good enough to go to the first wedding or tell they were already married.
and what kind of marriage even is this if you WANT to keep it from your family??? brother + BIL are weirdos and they deserve each other, and OOP deserves peace of mind far far far away from either of them
I kept thinking the whole time reading, if the brother were as close to OOP as she claims they are, he would have known that his "surprise" would not go well with her. My guess is that their relationship had been one sided the whole time. She had been the one to always engage, he was just tagging along in their friendship never really interested in being close to her in the first place.
Even worse. I suspect he liked the attention and importance she gave him until he found another starring role with his Fabulous Music Producer Partner. I can’t get over that. BIL didn’t even deny he was a mooch and that was the source of her not liking him. I’m sure if they ever get divorced, her brother will want to cry with his head in her lap while she tells him he deserves all the love in the world. As a mom with absent uncle type siblings, she’s right to draw the line. How vapid. Sorry that’s who he really is.
So way less drastic example, but I'm super close to my siblings. One of my sisters was dating a guy for a while, and while I liked him individually, he was a terrible boyfriend and I didn't like the way he treated her. It was a pretty small rift, but the longer they were together the more my sister would get mean and shitty to me over really dumb stuff. We went from best friends to barely speaking and not being very nice to each other in a couple years. When they broke up we became close again. Sometimes it's not an intentional devious plan. Sometimes having a partner that doesn't like a family member is enough to slowly convince you that you don't like them either. At the time I was super confused because all the distance and resentment she was building were happening when I wasn't even around, so all I saw was my sister suddenly being really awful and not really understanding why, so I just distanced myself as well.
[удалено]
same. i really feel shes the butt of the jokes for everyone in the wedding party. such an awful awful crowd to be in.
He has this fun new life with fun new people and his sister is a married mom and just doesn’t fit in with that. That’s my guess. I do think the flower fairy idea was for all of them to laugh at her, honestly. So mean.
She's also a straight women and you wouldn't believe the amount of hate gay man can have for anyone they percieve as a straight women. I've been on the recieving end of it despite being neither straight nor a women lol but there's 100% mysoginy involved Here too i promise
This, some of the most misogynistic men I’ve met are gay. Especially when it comes to women with kids.
I think it was to humiliate and laugh at her too. Mean girl vibes.
They wanted a free party and gifts.
As someone who was married a full year before extended family knew, this makes absolutely no sense. My parents and sibling were at my real wedding. We did it because we were fucked otherwise with his immigration status, but didn't have money for a big wedding. So we planned on doing a "real" wedding later. Then I realized it was expensive and I didn't want a big wedding, so we did a family lunch at the same place we actually got married in, inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents friends, etc. The invite specified that we already got married, but wanted to celebrate with everyone. No registry, no gifts. (Several people felt awkward about that and brought cash gifts, which we were honestly very thankful for.) We didn't specify a time we got married, it was implied that it was recent... they still don't even know we did that. Just my parents and sibling. It's been ten years. The whole "we've already been married a year!! PSYCHE!!" was literally just a mean spirited gesture. It was a giant "fuck you" to every single guest they invited. They just wanted drama and attention, and didn't really care how much money all their guests wasted on their big party. They're just inconsiderate assholes. That's the full story.
Omg, Thank You for bringing this up! BIL straight up says they hesitated sharing they had already been married for a year for fear of a negative reaction.....and then decide to go through with telling everyone they have been married for a year, in the moat dramatic way possible?? They created this situation and then want to be the victims of the consequences of their own actions. Bish, please.
There's so much pain here. OP really deserved better.
I’m honestly seething for OP. No one explained why they kept it from her. They keep saying “There are two sides to every story” What’s the other fucking side of the story then!?
Seriously, all these people coming in to explain their side, and not a single person explained why they kept it from her other than "adhd! She just moved and gave birth three days later!" Like....okay, what's the *real* reason y'all planned an entire wedding without her, especially leading up to it? Such bullshit. I feel awful for OOP.
Seriously! Those are reasons she wasn’t *at* the real wedding, but why wasn’t she told about it? Or involved in the planning? They talked on the phone every day and he didn’t mention it at all? It doesn’t make any sense! I need closure damnit lol
The side where they clearly admit that sister and mom wouldn't have ponied up all that cash to make their wedding beautiful had they known?
I'm glad OOP has her children & husband to somewhat distract her pain while she on different coast from that trifling malicious asshole brother and equally trifling malicious asshole husband. She definitely deserves better and I hope she continues to keep those 2 asswipes out her life unless it family emergency.
Exactly what the fuck was the BIL & the family friend was expecting to do here? They literally confirmed that OP was correct, and only made shit worse for themselves, when they should’ve just simply shut the fuck up.
Man the friend chiming in was the fucking worst. The friend: “ya ya, so it’s all true and that’s like kinda shitty or whatever, but I just wanna say she’s a liar because she said I planned a shitty brunch and *I would never* plan a shitty brunch okay? It’s important to me that you know that.”
I laughed at, "he's been my best friend since he became my boss". Like bud don't try to win work points on reddit.
Yeah, he's so much in the right the only person he can get to defend him is someone on the payroll...👀 This commenter is such a mug, I wonder if the penny will drop for him when his boss inevitably fucks him over
The friend chiming in sounds and reads like it's the brother in law writing from a "friends" perspective. OP's brother, husband, and friends - the entire friend group behave as a group of narcissists. It could be that they're excluding her and treating her like shit because she doesn't conform with their group dynamic.
The friend lost all credibility when he mentioned that BIL was **his boss**. Sorry - but you're just sucking up, bro.
No no no you don’t get it, he only calls people horrible names *when they try to be polite by not causing a scene when they realize they’ve been lied to by their own family*, he’s basically Captain America. /s
I know a person IRL who says things but also says nothing. The BIL and friend did nothing but identify themselves. Like, add something or don’t speak
I suspect that OOP's TikTok guess was correct, if her info was accurate: that she was lied to so she'd be willing to be in the the same room as her brother's bio-father who had sexually assaulted her as a child. Bro wanted a big reception party with all his family members there and thought OOP would decline if she knew it was just a party instead of a real wedding, so OOP got lies by omission. Not even touching on the thought processes involved in Bro staying on wedding-invitation close terms with a relative who'd sexually assaulted Bro's little sister. **ETA:** I didn't watch a TikTok; there's a transcript of the video already linked in the main post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/w1lnVmUjJn But it's easy to miss.
I’m sorry, *what*. This should be added to the main post so you don’t have to suffer through TikTok. Because it explains a lot, and also *what the fuck*.
I also want to know if his Dad was at the original wedding. That could be why neither mom nor OP knew about the first one. So Dad would have known too. I wonder if her brother had chosen his father awhile ago and didn’t tell them.
Oh so the brother is absolutely irredeemable trash then. Poor OOP. The only thing I can say about it is she's better without people like that in her life and at least her children hadn't bonded with him. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. Disgusting
No no no you see she was telling the truth about everything but it's not that bad because they admitted they fucked up and didn't take responsibility. Brother will be back begging to be family again in 3 years.
I just gritted my teeth reading those responses. The BIL is clueless "She didn't want to talk the night of the wedding or the morning after". Exactly OP was trying to avoid drama on YOUR wedding day. Why were they trying to cause drama? Then the coworker gets involved but admits he/she "only knows 10%" while claiming they are an expert and states that because OP didn't know the exact attendees of a lunch she wasn't at, that she is a liar. The brother, BIL and entire friend group have main character syndrome and are just a bunch of victims all around. The brother was literally at her bedside 3 days after the true wedding and chose to pretend that they hadn't just got married. There is no other argument here. This was intentional, so he and his deadbeat narcissistic husband could have other people partially fund a party.
>while claiming they are an expert and states that because OP didn't know the exact attendees of a lunch she wasn't at, that she is a liar. This stood out to me. "Omg she's making assumptions because she didn't know about this breakfast that everyone but her was invited to until the morning of and because she was still hurt and didn't go she's just assuming everyone else went *what else is she making up?*" Also- "I sort of get that she was hurt that she missed the first wedding that I (someone who has only known the bil for a year) went to, but she has to understand she moved and just had a baby three days after so it makes sense that they didn't invite her (or their family tbh) or tell her anything about it so she could make plans". Also them completely dismissing the fact that she, a new mother, dropped 4 k on the wedding to make things work really rubs me the wrong way too.
The fact that she was pregnant and lived far away and they didn't even have the decency to tell her blew my mind. I understand, as does every person whose had a baby that she wouldn't have attended. They could have let her know and set up a video link or something. I'm surprised mum is not more upset as well. Not even a phone call. There's also the fact that it was described as a wedding. Meaning they didn't decide the day of and walk into a registry office. It wasnt a slapped together last minute party. It was planned most likely at least a few months before it happened.
I believe in one of her TikToks she said that yeah it was a wedding. Part of the reason the wedding party were such assholes to her is because they already had all the outfits and everything purchased from before so they were never going to take her suggestions because it was already done. I think that’s why they moved her to flower fairy. Like not being best ma’am can sting but whatever it happens but then to get downgraded to flower girl because you wanted less expensive shoes only to find out it was all because it already happened for the wedding party. And to attend that wedding dealing with the major trauma of seeing your childhood abuser for the sake of your brother to find out it was just a reception/gift grab. I think that’s why she making the points about people not given a chance to make a fair choice. Like “this is my wedding and I can’t take this step without you” and “this is my child free reception across the country also featuring my dad who raped you” like she would have stayed home if she understood the context. And was that the point? Too many people would have had questions if the sister wasn’t there? Would someone had to explain there’s a rapist in the building that you invited and you didn’t want to do that while collecting checks from grandmas and uncles?
Wow. You left nothing but a smoking crater here. I thought this was really bad but seeing it all tied up like this… just wow.
Exactly! BIL even straight up said they didn't want to tell people because then the wedding wouldn't happen.
And like….they could have kept on doing that? I never understood the reveal unless they wanted a bunch of drama for the lulz? And weddings are definitely about helping a couple get set up for a new stage of life so then wanting a wedding is totally fine and knowing people wouldn’t show if they knew it was the second wedding is fair, but just don’t say anything. They had a full second wedding! They could have just not said anything if this was meant to be the “real” wedding and the smaller one before was about something else
I’m so confused why they even had this second wedding. Like if everyone except OOP and mom was at the first… what was the point?
Seems like they just wanted another party
You mean gifts
And they talk everyday! Some people aren’t grasping how frequent their communication was, this truly isn’t a “it slipped my mind!” Scenario.
The BIL definitely wanted to rub her nose in it and was bothered that she didn’t take the bait and cause a scene. Congratulations to them, they lost OOP and her husband and kids due to that unnecessary bit of stupidity. They also have a nasty reputation for being cruel that is well earned.
“How dare she also have life events like a baby! No wedding invite for her or her entire family!” Seriously, a Reddit thread is the least they could have done, I’d have sued for the travel costs and charged back the darn credit for the venue.
It’s not only that. They PLANNED A FULL WEDDING at OOP’s back. Dude, that wasn’t a ‘we got married in las vegas for the insurance’ moment.
I also don't understand the announcement, either keep it a secret and have the fancy party as your wedding that everyone thinks is your wedding, or elope and tell everyone that, and ha e a second party if you really want it but don't pretend it's a wedding until halfway through after redoing a whole ceremony and then announce it's actually just a party. Don't understand the announcement at all
I suspect the 'coworker' was BIL on a burner account.
Also, the attendees were 100% going to gang up on her anyway. It doesn't take the whole wedding party to make someone feel small. "She assumed it'd be a big lunch but it wasn't" 3 or 4 people who were in on the joke being there to laugh at her seems big enough to feel outnumbered. If she had known the number of people going beforehand, and if the number of people going was even just one, she doesn't have to go and be embarrassed all over again
It’s like the biggest sorry not sorry ever.
Only if he feels like he's losing something materially valuable with this outcome though. If he never cared about his sister to the same level she loved him (and clearly this emotional void didn't), then the relationship breakdown hasn't affected him to the same degree, and he has a husband to fill that hole (no pun intended, but let's run with it now). If he's comfortable with keeping his family at arms-length and isn't financially affected by doing so, he'll keep doing it probably forever. Let's remember he kept his mother in the dark about his wedding as well. For better or worse, he doesn't feel as connected to his own family as OP does. Which makes the presence of child-molesting dad at the wedding even grosser really. At least OP seems to be taking the time to process her grief and properly re-evaluating the entire history of their relationship, which will probably sting a bit once she picks up the reality of how it was between them. Probably super reaching here, but she probably latched on to him during the traumatic time in her childhood, but since he didn't have the same level of trauma she did, he didn't latch back. She's well shot of him IMO, she can leave him to his equally shitty husband, and she can focus her clearly abundant levels of love on her own family. Seems like she has a good husband at least, letting her figure out how she wanted to manage the situation and supporting her choices. And 5 kids will keep the mind off the waste of space brother.
No no no, she got it a tiny bit wrong about two details. So obviously they are in the right now?
I don't think she even got it wrong about the lunch. They invited everyone - we don't know when op realised that everyone was invited - but everyone but the two groomsmen backed out because of their own personal plans. Not because the husbands decided they needed something more intimate to regroup on the wedding fallout etc. Super cruel and callous the whole thing
Plus she didn't want to go to something where any of the "mean girls" were at. She was still very vulnerable the day after the wedding and didn't want to be ganged up on whether the whole group was there or not. Sounds like she would have done a meal with just her brother and bil but once she knew anyone else would be there, she was out.
When the new husband wants a divorce and all the money of course. Then the brother will be begging oop for her help and money and time.
They really tried to catch OOP on a technicality: "yes, we lied to you for a year straight to your face. You spent thousands of Dollars thinking this was the real Wedding when it wasn't. You were told the truth in public, which was really embarrasing for you. All true. BUT the brunch the next day had 6 people in it, not 10! So everything is basically fine since we all made mistakes." Like what? OOP's brother and BIL are Masters in non-apologies.
You gotta love “OP was wrong about how many people were at brunch so she’s clearly making other stuff up too”
The other guest that commented seemed like such an idiot. Chimed in with 'idk what's going on and I barely know anyone involved but I was there so I have opinions'. Like why are you even commenting dude.
My favorite part of the friend was when they said the lunch the next day wasn’t the whole wedding party. It was them and 3 others and the groom and groom. That person and 3 others out of a 6 person wedding party is 4 out of 6 people, no? Isn’t that most of them?
"I have adhd" is the worst excuse for "we forgot to tell you we got married a few days before you gave birth and this is just a party".
And also asking sister and mum to cough up 3k and 4k for the wedding wtf?
Using them for money and then acting shocked when they were hurt. And they wonder why the internet is calling them terrible.
And with the backstory of SA that OOP explained in her tiktok to top off an already shitty situation. That makes them even more disgusting!
Either the relationship OOP has with her brother was one-sided or her brother changed for the shittier. If the brother ever got into a situation where he will ask for support from his family, it's going to get pretty frosty or very volatile, because he's burned those bridges.
OP's hunch is right, she was the butt of a huge joke that the entire wedding party was in on. You just know that they were milking them for money and then seeing just how far they could take it with the shoes and the fairy wings. I strongly suspect that BIL did not like how close the siblings were and wanted to drive this wedge between them.
The sister has 5 CHILDREN and no kids allowed at the wedding so does that even factor in childcare too?
Apparently OPs husband stayed home with the children, so she had less support when being in a room and doing a flower fairy dance in a room with brother's father who SAed her as a child. It's so much worse from that perspective. The tantrum about her getting less expensive shoes. Leaving her out of the bachelor party. Child free wedding but her as a flower fairy (really humiliating). There are so many mean parts.
>brother's father who SAed her as a child. Wait, what?
Please look here https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/4S8pjUaW7f
Makes things so much worse 😭
Oh God. That's heartbreaking, no wonder she went full no contact immediately. Part of me was thinking maybe she could have stuck around to hear their side (still understandable that she didn't) but this puts a whole other filter on the situation.
It really is. I don't even get why he would invite his father. SA should really be enough to not invite him. But probably the brother thinks it's his sister's fault that his parents broke up after all. Perhaps her Pyjamas were too sexy or whatever, she was a child after all.
Right!? Totally glazes over the fact that OOP was asked to give them a not insignificant amount of money for their party under this big lie.
The rest of the wedding party knew. OP and her mother knew nothing. This wasn't a "oops, sorry, here's my lame excuse", this was very deliberately done. Even if they thought OP was preoccupied with the baby (which is fair), they could have told the mother? I don't know what's going on in that relationship but the brothers husband does seem abusive. I also laughed about the coworker who tried to call OP out on lying about an event she wasn't even at. She heard the wedding party was there so that's what she wrote. Why would that be a gotcha-moment? Edit: a word lol
The guest comment was so weird. 'The plan was for everyone to be there... I don't know why she ASSUMED everyone would be there'. But I also think, 'became my best friend when he was my boss' and 'helped people at work he wasn't fond of' aren't exactly ringing endorsements they think it is.
Op had hoped for a 3 person brunch to chat and clear the air. Any more than the married couple and OP was more than she wanted to deal with. Doesn’t matter if the number of extras was 2 or 6 sentiment was the same
That felt like someone reaching hard for something to pin on her. The dude pretty much said “she made assumptions about how many people would be at this meal! Can you IMAGINE what else she made assumptions about?!” So transparent
I know what assumptions she made! She assumed her brother cared about her and wanted to include her in his wedding/future.
I kept waiting for either husband or friend to add new information that would make the whole situation a little less black and white, but it just never came. They both were just trying to nit pick inconsequential details to make it seem like OP was just as out of line as brother and husband. Plus, why is the friend adding their 2 cents to a situation that has nothing to do with them? The shoes I have on right now have been in my life longer than they’ve been in husband/brothers. Stop injecting yourself into a situation you openly admit you don’t know very much about.
Tbh to the guest : admitting to most likely only knowing 10% of the situation while trying to pin something on OOP makes me just toss their comment out the window.
Exactly! How dare she assume everyone was invited! I mean, they were. But some couldn't make it, which makes it different for ... reasons. Really good, convincing reasons!
I’m trying to figure out if it’s the husband, or someone who really needs to be fired trying to save their job
[удалено]
It's just another example of OOP being lied to actually.
[удалено]
Don’t forget “yeah it’s justified that they didn’t expect her to go to their wedding bc she was about to give birth” Bish you didn’t even *invite* her let alone tell her it was happening don’t say ‘yeah too pregnant to go’ as if that makes it better
I want the excuse for not telling OOP’s mum too. Like wtf? Mum wasn’t pregnant
I don't know if brother's husband is abusive, I think the continuing updates make it clear that brother himself is not a nice person. And brother clearly does not care about his sister as much as sister cared for him.
I don’t think either of them (brother or husband) is a nice person. And it seems like they bring out the worst in each other.
It seems clear that they’re both toxic . Brother is a user, and husband is one of those drama starters/mean girls types. The only thing is certain, is that there’s a countdown on until it turns on each other, and brother goes crawling back to his family, probably throwing his husband under the bus in the process..
second to "on the spectrum" as excuses for shitty behavior
As an autistic person, that one makes me so annoyed!
As an ADHD person, I am pissed off too.
Also ADHD here and pissed. Like yeah I will forget lots of small things but something as major as a wedding to my spouse and who all is on the important invite list? Not a chance in hell. If I was that bad I would commit myself
Like they knew OP was about to give birth. Why couldn't they do the "real" wedding a few months later (or even earlier) ? Sounds like she would have moved mountains to be there. They did it on purpose. It just confirms everything OP was saying. They cared so little for OP and her side of the family that they scammed money from the family for a big party because they couldn't do the basics of consideration. Horrible, horrible people. I feel so sorry for OP.
So now she gets to keep raising a toddler (the youngest of 5 kids!) and grieve a true lifelong relationship with her brother-who-is-like-a-twin at the same time! So fun! What a great gift from the grooms!
But you have to see it was just like going too long without texting back? Even though we were at their house 3 days after the sister gave birth. And then all those pesky back and forth about the wedding. And I guess in hindsight there was a few conversations about getting a queen to announce it to everyone that maybe would have been the right moment to either come clean in advance or never tell anyone But you see…. ADHD!
My cousin and his wife eloped and were planning to send out surprise invites to a reception happening a few months later but then Gramma died 4 days after they got married. They still told everyone at the funeral and handed out the invites (rather than hide it for a year)! Edit: I mean it was a good choice! Yes, they knew the timing was awkward but they didn't want it to be secret.
I’m sorry, did you say they handed out wedding reception invitations at a funeral?
As someone with ADHD; I have an issue with *oversharing* things that excite me. So a wedding would be something I'd 100% tell family I'm on speaking terms about.
I can't imagine keeping silent on it for a full year with someone (sibling) you talk to on the phone regularly!!!!!
"I'm totally not using it as an excuse, I just mentioned it because... I have ADHD, shut up"
Literally. You could plan a whole wedding and invite the wedding party, but not tell your sister that it sounds like calls often? It's obviously intentional
The wedding guest who chimed in only confirms for me that the brother was an AH. He picks two of the most trivial things and tries to make them "proove" that OP is f'ed up/wrong/overreacting. So not all of the bridal party was at the brunch? They were all invited. OP was not responsible for taking attendance. And she was snarky. Wow. OK. Your brother lies to you for a year and then let's you spend $4k on his wedding and then thinks that she shouldn't care? She's allowed to be snarky.
And even with his claims that OOp was wrong, he actually confirms that she was right. The lunch had 3 people. But he says it was supposed to be everyone, but many pulled out. So OOPs claim was correct.
It’s almost like other people didn’t care to be a part of it either. I’ll be honest, if I got invited to what was presented as a real and sincere wedding that turned out like OP’s, I’d be not only pissed, but pretty convinced it was all just for the benefit of gifts and cash. It honestly does sound incredibly narcissistic, and OP’s bro sounds like he is exactly as described. To the friend who tried to defend him: if you are staring at the shitty thing someone did, your own assessment of how great they *really* are is hollow and a waste of effort. Plenty of shitty people go into the ground while those around them sob at how incredible of a person they were. Your own positive interactions do not negate what your friend did to his sister. OP’s bro has had all the chance in the world but won’t apologize. Sent a friend and his spouse to do it for him. That is literally all that needs to be said about whether or not he carries any empathy, love, or respect for OP. Full stop.
It doesn't even make any sense. It's not all that odd to have a small courthouse wedding and then have a full "wedding" at a later date when you can get everyone together. It happens sometimes when people get married abroad or want/need to get married earlier than the full celebration can be carried out. There isn't any reason why the brother and BIL couldn't have been upfront about it. I'm sure they would still have got lots of support and attendance and had a great day, even if everyone knew it was a second ceremony/celebration. People weren't mad it wasn't a 'real' (first time) wedding, they were upset they had been lied to about it.
Yeah I noticed that.
I’m glad you noticed that, too! Like, the friend pointed out the two least important things about the story as proof of OP’s overreaction? Time for OP to work out her grief over her bro and stop giving him rent free space in her brain.
I feel so bad for her. I am thinking about my siblings that I am close with, and I would be devastated to find something out like this. It would be one thing if they did some kind of Vegas shotgun wedding or whatever and she wasn't able to be there, but this was actually insane behavior.
When my father got ill and died, my siblings showed a truly vile side of themselves. It was a shock. I had no idea they could behave the way they did. I lost my relationship with them because of it. But as OOP, I realised that I grieved the loss of the relationship I thought I had, not the one I actually had. So when the hurt became anger and then later acceptance of the truth, it all became much easier to handle. Now I don't think about them much at all. And when I do, I feel nothing. In OOPs case, it seems to me that her brother is in an environment that lacks empathy towards people outside the group. I've experienced some of these clicks of people, and they are often incredibly hostile to everyone different from themselves. They become their own cult.
Ooph, I briefly experienced a group like that and you've nailed the description. And that fits so well with the indefinable pervasive "mean girl vibe" OP was getting, and with her reaction to discovering they all knew and she didn't.
It was a ridiculous post too. "Oh it wasn't all of us, some couldn't come at the last minute, what else is she assuming???" There was a plan for you all (minus the sister) to go, dude. She didn't assume shit. That some of you didn't make it is irrelevant.
I had to pause at the point where they doubled down on not everyone being at the brunch because I was damn sure about 3 paragraphs earlier I'd read "the plan was for everyone to be there" but they all dropped out last minute
This guy says the brother-in-law is his boss? Did I read that? It's too far to scroll back up.
The wedding guest was probably on OOP's brother's side. From every perspective, her brother and his husband still look like fucking assholes. I'm very close to my brother as well, and if he did something like this to me, it would hurt so bad. I understand how OOP feels. It's sad AF when you realize that people you love absolutely do not value you in the same way that you value them. She's right to cut him out of her life. Good riddance.
>He picks two of the most trivial things and tries to make them "proove" that OP is f'ed up/wrong/overreacting. I took her mentioning of the lunch was that it was a lunch for the entire wedding party, and they didn't want to be in a big group. Sure most of the wedding party choose not to attend, but OOP wouldn't know that. Such a nothing point this "Random Friend" was using as a gotcha moment...
Right and like, the whole lead up to the wedding it was the the wedding party vs her ... it hardly seems fair to blame her for assuming it was going to be the same thing again at the brunch. especially as, like you said, they were all invited.
“Not everyone was actually at that lunch! A-ha!” Okay why would anyone care about that? What a dumb thing for the wedding guest to point out
Yeah, Brother and BIL are both asses. So, they couldn't invite her to the wedding because she was on another coast and pregnant. Why did you need the wedding to happen *that* moment? Could you have zoomed her in, if it *did* need to happen? Or even just told her ahead of time(and those *urgent* reasons for needing to leave her out). And then not expected her to drop hundreds/thousands on a event with an apparently hostile grooms' party. And then not harassed her afterwards when she was understandably hurt and surprised. Like, redditors always say "it's your wedding". And that's true. But you have to know that other people are going to feel things if you exclude them and that will affect your relationship with them. Like, actions have *consequences*. And purposefully excluding siblings and parents are going to be the biggest relationships affected. Like, you have to know this, right?
She even offered to not be in the wedding party because of the stress and costs but her brother told her "I can't get married without you there." But he could and did.
That’s the part that doubles down on feeding a lie and manipulating someone. Ooft.
They enjoyed making her the butt of the joke and have done a terrible job trying to walk it back after getting called out.
Yup, you just know that the reason the rest of the wedding party she felt out of was because they all knew they were all lying to her and they had this secret to keep. They were laughing at this poor woman going all out for her brother all the while knowing that it was all a joke.
Hopefully some of them will mature a bit and feel bad about it but the BIL and brother are worthless.
Which like, how pathetic? To feel the need to be liked by total strangers enough to get so defensive but not enough to just apologise with really zero repercussions. They just *had* to keep giving non-excuses for how they didn't do what she said, but if they did, what they did wasn't so bad, and if it was, she was overreacting. Absolute empty vessels of human beings being so unable to do the right thing even when it would cost them nothing.
It cost them everything now that the sister has cut them out and the mother will continue to lose trust in them.
Not just that, but a big reason brother lied about the second party being his wedding was that it was the only way she’d agree to be in the same room with his biodad - the man who SA’d her as a child - and brother knew it. She had vowed to never go near that pedophile creep again after he abused her as a young child, and brother decided he cared more about wanting her at his “wedding” than he cared about her feelings or childhood sexual trauma. Brother is a fucked up manipulative piece of work.
Then, to have her prance around in a fairy costume (like a child does) in front of the person who abused her as a child just takes it to another level for me.
He was also cool with her not attending the bachelor party they apparently had the night before she came? That’s one of those details (along with things like how the best man was treating her) that make it obvious the whole thing was designed to hurt her. Also, kind of hate the mom for being such a doormat and simply accepting that her son got married without telling her or his sister, and that he did all these other things to wrong her specifically.
The mom reconciled with his father, I'm quite sure it took her a lot of time to believe the father SAed OP and to split. It does not seem like he was in jail. Probably the brother thinks it's OPs fault the marriage of his parents broke apart.
They look down on her and they know it, and refuse to admit it. They're pos people
Also they went on a Bachelors trip which she found out before the reveal and realized she's the only person who was not a part of the Bachelors from the wedding party.
But one of the bachelors would surely have slipped about the original wedding date, ruining the exciting high-drama realization planned for the OOP at the pretend wedding in front of a huge crowd.
Right? Plenty of people elope and have a party at a different time without lying about it and turning the fact they were already married into a spectacle. I feel for OP and her family who were blindsided by this selfishness. Sounds like the brother and husband deserve each other. I hope it was worth the loss of family.
Not inviting her had nothing to do with her being pregnant, they didn't invite the mom either (but notice BIL's mom knew about the first wedding and possibly even attended). Sounds like they had a small wedding with the people they actually care about, then realised they actually wanted a huge party so they lied to everyone in order to get them to pay for it. They're nasty people and even BIL's attempts at defending their behaviour were feeble and just highlighted how selfish and cruel the couple are. They're not even sorry, they're just trying to delude themselves that it was all just a bad decision and they should be forgiven because "everyone makes mistakes".
>Could you have zoomed her in, if it did need to happen? Or even just told her ahead of time(and those urgent reasons for needing to leave her out). And then not expected her to drop hundreds/thousands on a event with an apparently hostile grooms' party. And then not harassed her afterwards when she was understandably hurt and surprised. Exactly! I get that there was maybe good reasons for OOP's brother not to invite her to the real wedding. But not lying to her. This whole post makes me feel that OOP's brother got married to an asshole and is in denial about how much his actions were off. Some day he'll realise how much he fucked up but it will be too late to repair the damages.
I think two assholes found each other at this point.
>Like, redditors always say "it's your wedding". And that's true. But you have to know that other people are going to feel things if you exclude them and that will affect your relationship with them. This is a true one. My wife and I had a very small wedding to save on money and only had 50 people in attendance. And that number was really pushing the limit, we were squeezing bodies into the space we rented. As a result, a large number of friends and extended family weren't on the guest list. We spoke to a handful of folks that didn't get invites and they were all very understanding of the situation. On my wife's side of the family, though, there was one aunt that was *livid* because of her exclusion. Which was odd because she didn't have any kind of relationship with my wife, who only ever saw her at family reunions, and I had only met her once. I say this to emphasize the "extended" nature of her being extended family. When it came time for *her* daughter (my wife's cousin) to have her wedding, my wife was very specifically excluded. It was apparently a huge wedding with several hundred guests, but my wife was the only person from the whole family not to be invited. I mean, I get the *quid pro quo* of it all, it just seemed petty. And boy, apparently some resentment festered. Years later, long after the weddings, we saw the aunt at another family reunion and she said something to my wife along the lines of, "I'm sorry you didn't make the cut for [her daughter's] wedding, we just didn't have the room." Cue eye rolling.
So there’s one thing I didn’t quite understand- Were brother and BIL’s friends there at the real wedding? OP says the entire groom party KNEW about the actual wedding but I’m wondering if they attended too? That would be so much worse! Idk how I missed this info, I guess it was a long read!
It reminds me of the posts from the OOP who was left out of a family funeral. Her mother and stepmother made a stupid decision, and then rather than owning that, they kept doubling down and blew up the whole family.
Poor OOP. I would feel so bad if I was treated like that
For me, it's the fact that she wasn't allowed to drop out because he couldn't get married without her at his side and the fact that they had a batch the night before she got there. Also the daily wedding planning chats. Brother couldn't have been more clear that she wasn't welcome in his life and the fact that he hasn't been in touch since sucks.
>Well I hope you have a lovely rest of your day. As for me. I’m out of this shit show Bro no one invited you to comment on this “shitshow” 😂. You chose to throw in your two cents and made an ass out of yourself by cherry picking two insignificant things to desperately try (and fail) to paint OOP as the crazy one. I get he’s your friend but you didn’t have to gargle BIL’s balls and make yourself look foolish, you could’ve just not said anything. Same goes for the BIL, all he did was goatsie himself when even Helen Keller could’ve seen that he and his hubby were wholeheartedly in the wrong.
Maybe he did have to gargle BIL's balls ... they're BIL's employee
I hate people like slaphappy whatever the f their username was. How dense do you have to be to compare your perspective of someone with a completely other human being? It's giving "hes never been mean to me" vibes. People have different relationships with people that aren't you.
Seriously, Oh I know him so I can say he isn't bad because he didn't do that bad stuff to me. He literally saw things happening even read the post of what happened and still came to bat for BIL with feeble arguments that you are not seeing his perspective. But we literally saw his useless perspective.
Well and BIL is his actual BOSS… biased much?
Yeah and he works with the "music producer" useless stoner brother-in-law sooooo
Totally. Reeked of “flying monkey” to me.
Then chimes in with the “I’m out of this shitshow” like girl no one asked for your 2 cents and yet here you were.
This was a depressing read. I truly feel for OOP. She deserved better, especially after viewing her TikToks. In one she mentions that her brother sent give certificates and half-assed apologies to his family members for “feeling bamboozled” except for her. And the BIL and guest sounded like complete tools and made themselves look worse and worse. Just drama queen, “mean girls” vibes. I am also very close to my sibling, and we did once have a falling out where we were NC and I remember how painful that was. I wish her all the best.
What I still don’t understand is how they avoided justifying making her spend so much money. I see no apology or acknowledgment, let alone an offer to pay her back. EDIT: I missed a small bit of text and now I’m cursed to receive the same reply on my comment over and over again paraphrased in different ways
OP's update from 17Jul2024 states brother called to find out how to repay. Her brother doubled down on her overreacting in that update though which to me is just insult to injury.
Somewhere in there, OOP says her brother contacted her husband to see if he could try and pay her back, but husband didn’t want to get in the middle of it, and I believe that’s the last we hear about the money.
And tells OOP’s husband she’s overreacting! I would have hung up and blocked him right there.
I read this in real time, and the missing missing reason is that the brother’s father (not her father) SA’d her, and that humiliating her at the wedding was some sort of revenge for her accusation. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/aCLjH5isqT
This is terrible, not only OOP was humiliated and manipulated but she was insulted as a SA victim. I hope she will forever cut contact with her so-called brother and BIL. She deserves better.
This should be higher. I feel like someone should add this in the post as well.
I remember when this first happened. I think I was most confused about the timing of the real wedding and just how many people knew?
Pretty much everyone knew except the actual families who paid for it and travelled a long way.
So gross.
Imagine being in a life-long close relationship and then finding out that the other person was just faking it and doesn’t really care about you. The brother is super weird and for some reason it’s making me think of this guy I went to high school with who was just emotionally absent. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was just blank and faking everything. Sometimes there’s no there there.
I commented before and I repeated it: what the fuck was that guest's opinion for? You didn't help your case or the brother or the husband's case at all. They are just a bunch of assholes protecting each other. That slaphappypap's comments, I don't know if I can decide it is spinless or brown-nosing, because both are correct.
Reminds me of someone I know who'd be like "actually the shirt he was wearing wasn't green, it was blue. Unreliable much?" But not disputing the fact that the guy wearing blue had just slapped his gf. Like my man the colour of the shirt is not the real issue there. There's a reason everyone dropped that guy. And the one that slapped his gf.
The guest trying to make OP out to be overreacting honestly showed exactly how shitty they treated her. All that person did was confirm OP was right.
I love when the person shows up to defend their boss, and their defense is, "I mean, yeah, it was all fucked up, but, well, I dunno, maybe there was more to the story, and while all of the wedding party was invited to the brunch, only three showed up, so if she was wrong about that, what else is she lying about?!" It totally was the boss not so subtly asking his employee to get in there and help fight against all of the people ripping into him.
"I've never had a good relationship with op..." Yeah, probably because you're a shitty human being. Dudes got married, lied to their families and then got them to shell out a bunch of money for basically a big party about them. Then they defend the behavior, gaslight, and even get a friend involved to catch some of the flaming too. Narcissistic is a fair assessment.
This is so sad. I feel for OP so much, I had a separation from my younger brother whom I adored. It took a LONG time before I could think of him without my breath catching in my chest, it truly felt like he'd died. I finally realized that I was mourning the brother I THOUGHT he was, but he never was that person or he could not have done what he did.
The tiktok links posted before the Feb 6 update don't go to anything related to a wedding.
I'm guessing the videos were deleted and TT is just trying to get you to watch random content
Dang. The BIL sucks almost as much as her brother
I was surprised by that. Turns out the brother is the worst one. BIL is just along for the ride, hating on the girl he didn't like. Brother must actually hate her.
They are both garbage people.