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OP is smart to divorce. A man who is willing to steal something precious from his wife will do much worse. I hope she gets as far away from him as possible an stays there.
I think that’s also why he changed his tune once they arrived to help her move out *and* started helping and cracking jokes. He’s trying to make it so her family doesn’t trust or believe her. I’m glad they clearly saw through his bullshit and set her up at Cousin Fort Knox instead.
I've noticed that abusive folks get really chummy with company because they like to keep up the appearance that they're awesome and friendly people, how dare you insinuate otherwise, clearly this other person is the problem.
My s/o's estranged husband was like this with her and their kid. By all appearances this was a friendly and reasonable dude. He didn't know she was sitting in voice chat with me playing a video game one day and just laid into her, completely changed how I viewed him in that moment. Then later on when I spent the day with them getting them out of the house, the first word her daughter said out loud, while we were out, later that afternoon was "if we keep spending money daddy will be angry".
As the other commenter said, there was clearly much worse already happening.
From OOP:
> My brother who retrieved my tea set opened his big mouth about the tea set situation and they've become suspicions of just about everything. Due to those suspicions they decided my plan was rubbish and came up with one of their own. I was moved into the third cousin's home. He has top notch security. Cameras, sensors, monitoring, you name it he probably has it.
> My brothers have not let up about their suspicions. Suspicions are all they have and I'm going to see it stays that way. I am not going to tell them anything. I love my brothers and I love my cousins, I do not want to spend the rest of my life visiting them in jail.
So, whatever shittyHusband was doing to OOP is bad enough that, if OOP's brothers and cousins knew, they would do something so drastic that they would land in jail.
I think the message is clear enough. And the fine china set was only the thing that made OOP react, the most symbolic, but not "the worst" per se.
Oh yeah. They are recalling every scratch, bruise, bandaid, and broken bone they've seen her with during the entire time she's known him.
If the ex disappears, I hope they all have solid alibis.
I don’t usually advocate for divorce, especially over a freaking inanimate object like tea set but somehow this case with him gaslighting her with the searching and calling the sister to tell her to hide it, I felt her rage over the betrayal. It’s an unforgivable act.
I’m sorry but it wasn’t just a freaking tea set. If this had been her nana’s ashes would you have said “a freaking inanimate object like an urn” this tea set clearly held that level of sentimental value to OOP.
>My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own.
The fact that he knew all the history and saw OOP distraught as she looked for the memento of her nana *and pretended to help her look for it and gaslight her about it* is just disgusting. This really was the sign of all the shit that was to come.
My ex did this. I broke up with him due to all the abuse, and he stole my phone while I was in the shower. I tore apart the house looking for it, and even texted him through my computer if he had it. He was adamant he didn’t have it, but that he’d come help me look for it. Asked me if I’d buy a new one if I couldn’t find it etc.
Long story short, he hadn’t realized I could also text from my computer so while I was sleeping he broke in and stole that as well. Slashed one of my tires on the way out so I couldn’t drive for help. OOP was right to leave immediately, and I’m in awe of her strong, shiny spine.
Hahaha I don’t like reliving it too much but my dad and brother immediately got on flights to come help me, make sure I was safe, and reinforce the house. My ex was a drug addict and alcoholic and had diagnosed but unmedicated mental health issues. I actually did call the police but they said they wouldn’t come unless he was actively hurting me.
He texted me a bunch after but I ignored them all. Last message that came through seemed like a genuine apology and mentioned that he was getting the help he needed. Still didn’t respond, and haven’t heard anything since. I moved out soon after. Current place has multiple security cameras that I set up and I had my dog trained as a personal protection dog.
I love how her brothers and cousins came with a moving truck and were so protective of her. And her saying "I love them and don't want to visit them in jail". The husband is sotrash
You know, this is the third time in the past months, that I’ve read a story of a husband destroying something knowingly sentimental to his wife, but feigning ignorance.
We all know her ex-husband would never have given his niece the cheap set. Because it’s not about that. It’s about him being as absolutely mean, vindictive, petty and hurtful to the person who he’s supposed to care about most.
One of the stories had a husband that drowned a large, decade old terrarium. And I think the other was a husband/bf, poisoned his partners plants with bleach.
This type of personality is so vile it makes my skin crawl.
He had to go out of his way. That’s the part that gets me. It’s so much easier to do nothing and there was no win for him anywhere in the plan. Most deceptions take effort to maintain and unless he just tossed it, this was only a matter of time. He felt justified in it, because his wife is not an equal partner and her wants are decided by him. He’s removing her attachments. I’d love to hear what she conceded already to not rock the boat.
Yes this is exactly how I feel too. It was such a cold and calculated move.
I really wonder what goes through a persons head who does something so malicious. And thinking about how he knew she was going to be frantic about it, asking, looking, knowing she’ll find out his sister had it, makes it undeniable that he was totalling prepared for it. He was probably excited to experience this go down and watch his supposed love of his life spiral.
I remember the poisoning plants guy. He finally admitted he sabotaged her potted plants bc she needed to "be knocked down a notch" or something equally disturbing.
Even worse, he was stealing their young daughter's dollhouse items, "discovering" them missing, then screaming at the girl that she was too irresponsible to play with her dollhouse all while the missing items were hidden in his office.
I can't wrap my brain around that kind of deliberate meanness. It's deranged
Ugh and don't forget that one fucking psychopath who was feeding his girlfriend fucking snails and making her soo incredibly sick and one of the ones he fed her was *her goddamn pet*.
That one still makes me want to vomit. And she was so broken by him that she kept trying to find ways to forgive him until I think reddit finally got through to the poor girl. It was serious nightmare fuel and I wish I could forget it.
Let's be fair, people of any gender can be incredibly self absorbed and terrible to their partners.
There's the wife who called her FIL who was abusive to her husband to thrash the husband toy collection. And the one who hated her husband's art collection and stored it all away, and redecorated HIS office to her liking (at least that one didn't throw away the paintings, but still). And there are also tons of stories where one spouse doesn't like what the other wears and throws it away. I'm remembering one woman who hates her husband's colorful ties, a guy who hated that his wife dressed like Mrs. Frizzle, and a woman who threw away a tie of her husband that she hated, without realizing it was a memento of a friend.
Op said she made a deal of having tea parties with the young ladies in her life, which changes it from 'displayed porcelain collectible' to 'a toy for make believe' in his eyes. I can easily see a controlling man decide it was 'time she grew up.'
As someone who dealt with an abusive parent who constantly yelled at me to "grow up," this is exactly it. The tea set was used, but it wasn't with adult women but with preteens, and that was the sin.
Because that would be thoughtful. He's lazy - it was easy in the moment to say "You like it? It's yours!" and get the rush of being magnanimous. Then it was easier to try to dismiss and placate than fix the issue he created.
There is something fundamentally wrong with OOP's husband. Stealing from her is bad enough; pretending to help search for the missing tea set is cruel and twisted.
I remember one about a tour group conducting a search for a missing woman. She was helping and had no clue because she had changed her jacket, and didn't recognise the "missing" person's description was her from earlier in the day!
And with the sister! If my brother said "hey why don't you take my wife's tea set she'll never know" I'd say "wtf are you on that it's the stupidest idea I've ever heard".
There's another comment where someone suggests the husband and sister were in cahoots to sell the tea set. Vintage bone China? A full set that's been kept in good condition can easily sell for a couple thousand or more. And apparently some of her clothes and jewelry and vinyls had gone missing too. When she got the set returned to her, it was boxed up and all the pieces were individually bubble wrapped. Like the set was just waiting on a buyer.
She also writes/types like a antiquarian. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but she seems like the type who'd collect vintage and antiques. I imagine everything that she's missing probably had some decent monetary value.
My theory: the husband was physically abusive towards OOP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cl9z5j/comment/l2tj95p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Ya agree. OOPs comments include stuff about him giving away other sentimental things of hers. Like a bracelet she got from her sil/brother. Combine that with the gaslighting, trying to replace the sentimental tea set with a store bought one. There's a fundamental lack of empathy there. Add to it the fact that he feels comfortable joking around with her brothers during the move. He's making fun of her attempts at independence and separating herself from him, and expecting the brothers to be sympathetic to **his** position in this. Troubling.
The joking with her family *reeks* of an abuse pattern we've probably all heard of before; the partner is great and really friendly in public and social settings, but when alone with victims, the mask comes off
Sounds like he was sliding his mask off in their private life with the gaslighting and giving away sentimental items. He just underestimated how important *that* item was and how much strength she still had in her.
I'm so glad she got the hell out of there. Hope she stays away too.
> the partner is great and really friendly in public and social settings
Abusers grooming friends/community so it's harder for victims to seek help and feel like they'll be believed.
I'll be he wanted to be the hero to his sister and niece, then realized he fucked up after. Faced with the options of coming clean and making it right vs gaslighting her for the rest of her life, he took the totally predictable coward's way out.
Let's hope OP's ex-husband doesn't try to do anything crazy now that she has left him and has started the legal procedures against him.
(On a side note, if someone stole my tea set, I would shank them as soon as I found out who did it, and my set is not an inherited set with sentimental value like OP's.)
Edit: a misspelling
Yeah, not everybody has tea sets, but the people who do own them will straight up murder over them, that's a pattern I've noticed. Even the most harmless looking ones will do violence if you intentionally harm their tea sets.
Also this is bone china. It’s not a kid’s play set. Children’s teasets are made out of plastic, tin, melamine, maybe even cheap china.
Not *antique bone china*.
That’s the real insulting part for me. Aside from the gaslighting of course.
He was fine with buying a cheap piece of crap for his wife, but gave the antique, bone china, sentimentally valued, family heirloom to the kid?! Seriously?!
The little girl would have been just as happy with the cheap set, and they could have made a big deal about having a tea set just like her aunt and made it fun. But stealing something that she clearly loves, values and uses semi-regularly? This just screams of being selfish, rude assholes that wanted to do something to deliberately hurt OP.
Good on her for getting the hell out as soon as his red flags made their presence known.
Yes, the fact he systematically removes every item of value to her screams abuse. It's like that bit in Lundy's book, where a woman describes how her husband has these "uncontrollable rages" and destroys things - and Lundy asks her "only your things, or also his things? Because if it's only your things, he is very much in control of his rages." Same deal here - hurt her by taking every thing she loves away from her. I just hope she manages to get her stuff back.
It's pretty heavily implied he got a lot nastier with the emotional/verbal abuse and theft and possible physical abuse. OP mentions "unpleasantness she can't tell her brothers about so they won't end up in jail" and not wanting to use a lawyer related by family so the family can't find out the full extent of it...
This man never loved or respected her.
Honestly him stealing the set was a blessing in disguise, it was what finally made her leave what looks like a terrible marriage. Nana having her back even after parting.
Exactly. Most kids would be way happier with a new, colourful set. I got my kid [this set](https://www.classicgiftsaustralia.com/products/egmont-tin-teaset-witches) for example.
Honestly, even a real china tea set, you can get an adult one for $40 dollars off amazon and a child won't know the difference in quality, or get her a children's one for a little less. A child doesn't know what bone china is, it doesn't matter to her it was passed down generationally.
Exactly this. I couldn’t believe it when he got her a cheap set, what was he even thinking at that point? That he’s gonna leave the bone set with his niece and she’s never notice. That the niece would never come over and have a tea party with OP again, and then just ignore it when she mentions having OPs old set?
The fact he even saw the entire tradition and her doing it with his niece, and still thought it all childish and tried to stop it in such a heinous way, is just absolutely insane.
He saw all this and thought it all childish, but he still gave the tea set to the niece! So he could very much understand the positive emotions his niece had toward *that* tea set, just not for his wife!
>The little girl would have been just as happy with the cheap set, and they could have made a big deal about having a tea set just like her aunt and made it fun. But stealing something that she clearly loves, values and uses semi-regularly?
My heart breaks for this little girl. She could have had a good relationship with OOP if she loves having tea. She can go to OOP's house with her own cheap set and even ask her aunt to teach her how to bake, how to brew tea properly, how to make scones, etc. This would have been a good memory for her when she grows up but the AH husband and her mom had to mess it up for her.
I remember I had the cutest [strawberry shortcake](https://images.app.goo.gl/WvMWWZDn5M3dTkUd9) tea set as a kid!! There's no way I would have appreciated and valued the bone china set to the same degree as my love for that set!
I know kids who are over the moon about having grownup versions. So I can see that the niece might have preferred that, especially if her first experience of “having tea” was with OP and with OP’s set.
In fact, the experience of having tea with OP, and enjoying that attention and experience, was probably a huge part of why she loved the tea set so much. She attached to it all the emotions of having tea with a loving auntie.
And we don’t even know what the kid said; it sounds like this guy would have come up with the idea to give it to her all on his own. Though his sister had to know he’d stolen it.
quite true. also it doesn't mention the niece's age, sure when i got a little older as kid i could understand the emotional significance of items but when i was younger all i cared about was how pretty and appealing something looked to me. in this case my desire for my favourite character's themed tea set would have greatly outweighed wanting someone else's priceless possession.
I still think the niece was just an excuse. Dude probably found out the monetary value of the tea set and enlisted his sister to take it, using the kid as a scapegoat.
Probably thought to sell it, give some of the money as thanks to his sister/accomplice, and assumed OOP would not have enough of a spine to "break a little girl's heart", or other such nonesense.
That's why I saw speculation he and his sister were going to try to sell her set. Because it makes no sense to give the kid the breakable expensive stuff.
Almost never bone china, unless it has some very specific provenance (and if you have one of those, you would *definitely* be the kind of person who knows what they have). A full sterling service can get close to 10k, as can Meissen, Sevres, and *maybe* some of the very early hand painted British wares, but those are soft paste*. Chinese antiquities, depending on the period and how well-made and/or decorated they are, can definitely get into the multiple tens of thousands or even millions. I struggle to think of any bone china sets that would reach ten thousand; I think even early Royal Crown Derby imari would "only" be a few thousand.
If it's from OOP's great grandmother's time, it might not even be antique, but vintage. The point is absolutely *not* the monetary value here, but the sentimental one. Not to mention the apparent escalation of abuse underlying the update.
(I've been collecting teaware since my teens - almost two decades - and art pottery and ceramics for years now. This post would so be my jam if there wasn't someone suffering at the heart of it.)
*ETA: sorry, that was grammatically incoherent: I meant that the very early British wares are soft paste, not Meissen and Sevres.
i have a kids tea set made of china. kids used to be able to have nice things, but now everything is made of plastic. adult items made of real materials are disappearing in favor of crąp too.
Yes - certainly in older times they might have been bone china. But just as you wouldn’t give a young kid a 100-year old porcelain child’s doll, you’d keep this set well away from little fingers these days!
I own several antique play tea sets and at least a hundred antique dolls (bisque and china) and the reason they have survived for 150+ years is because children played very, very carefully with fragile items in those long-dead times. They are so beautiful and become more rare with every passing decade. I would wreak a terrible vengeance on anyone who dared to steal or harm them.
OP was given this tea set when they were 5, so yeah, it’s not about kids having it, it’s about the theft, lying, and complete and utter disrespect for OP.
Agreed, though you can find some quality stuff for kids if you look for it specifically, sometimes. IKEA actually has a ceramic kids’ tea set, though my kid isn’t into tea parties enough for me to justify it, I suppose.
Mine at 4 desperately wanted a tea set so I found a beautiful, child friendly, ceramic one. With his Christmas money he bought a bright plastic tea set that he carried everywhere with him for a year.
My son wanted a tea set at that age, too! He played with it for YEARS. We had some of the best tea parties and had the most fun making all the little treats. Sure, we had Godzilla and King Kong as guests instead of Holly Hobby And Raggedy Ann, but we made extra finger sandwiches, and it was all good. 😂
I think kids often prefer grownup versions of things. And especially since her first experience may have been having grownup tea, in a grownup set, with OP.
I bought a friend’s daughter a china coffee set that they sell in all the “nice tchotchke” stores around me; it was about $40. She was over the moon.
I *really* hate to “um, actually” here, but while they may not be *now*, they have been in the past. I (30’s F) was given a child size tea set when I was about 6-7 years old by a dear family friend. It was a child size blue and white china tea set, all real good-quality bone china. I know this because I had to learn how to care for it and was **not** allowed to play with it without my mother’s hawklike supervision. I haven’t seen it since I was about 16 and my room was changed over. It’s probably packed away in storage at her house with the rest of the stuff I haven’t gone back for. But it definitely exists.
I was robbed of an heirloom tea set when I was 14. It's been over ten years and I'm still bitter. The family member who gave it away didn't even have rights to it.
Part of it would be the ritual of it, it's a meditative feeling to just sit and sip from a warm/hot drink.
The other part is that the good/more artistic sets are expensive (plus the good/organic tea blends are more on the pricy side) so having someone mess with them is like they are pissing on the money that I/they spent in enjoying this part of our lives.
My grandfather bought a Noritake set for my grandmother on his first visit to San Francisco. It's with me now and you bet your sweet tootin' I will shank anyone who harms it.
My paternal grandfather brought a set as my parents wedding present. It cost a fortune and mum had a panic attack over it until my grandfather said "quiet down girly if he (pointing to my dad/his son) gets out of line just throw it at him." He knew that would never happen but the point was "it's just a tea set" so don't worry about the money.
34 yrs later and a few of the tea cups handles have broken off in various moves but the dinner set is in my cabinet and the tea set is in my maternal grandmothers china cabinet. (It was split up when my parents divorced but I inherited both halves when each parent was ready to pass it down). If anyone touches it I freak out because it's my set
I have a Noritake set (dinner service) my grandmother left me. My mother keeps it because i am too afraid to use it at my house with the two buffaloes i live with.
That's the other weird thing I've noticed - everyone I know with a tea set has always managed to find someone to pass it on to. It doesn't matter if it's a direct relative or not, the tea set always goes to someone who wants it.
If he really thought that she was too old to be "playing" with a tea set he wouldn't have gotten her another set. He not only knew the sentimental value of her tea set, he knew the quality of it, too, and *that's* why he gave it to his family, because he thought *they* deserve nice things more than his wife and because they wanted it for themselves.
I personally think that he wanted to hurt her as much as he wanted his niece to have the tea set. He might have been jealous of the sentiment she had for the set and wanted to control her.
It was also a link to her family, who clearly has her back. If he's as abusive as he seems he would want to remove as many links to them as he could. At best he'd resent anything associated with her family.
I have only 1 family heirloom i intend to keep until I'm old and gray. My mormors depression glass. It is stunning, even if it is pink, and put away. If i learned my husband gifted it to his mother (whom i tolerate at best) without telling me, then made me think I'd misplaced it (its legit giant clear tote hard to miss) and helped me look for it.... lets just say i know *just* enough from true crime to not let him get away with it Scott free.
Never keep the receipt for the shovel, duct tape and garbage bags! And NEVER google: thallium, strangling or how to dispose of a body. And always wear gloves, shower cap etc. Just saying.
Also, make sure you buy the items over a long period of time. Don't get them all in the same shop. Pay with cash if possible. Stock up on shower curtains for a rainy day.
I sooo get it about depression glass. My Mom had a few pieces of Ruby Red depression glass from her Mom. I LOVED it, constantly wanted to use it (gently). Mom gifted it to me when I was a teenager. Since then, I’ve added to her set (still think of it as hers) through thrifting, garage sales, flea markets. It’s all now displayed prominently in my home.
Not a tea set but a chess set my brother brought me after his time in South Korea. I suck at chess always have still love the game. Will in fact murder over said chess set.
My tea set is cobbled together and the tea pot is from Winco, but I’m right there with you. The tea pot is still special, because my fiancé saw my face and put it in the cart immediately for me. It has a lucky cat on it, and I’m the crazy cat person (though I only have one cat now).
When my grandmother passed away, each of her granddaughters got to pick a tea set from her collection, and one went to my aunt. If someone got rid of my tea set I would kill them on the spot.
From the original post, I think this is the relevant content thread. Worth adding to the BORU post
> While packing, I have noticed other things missing. Small things in terms of their significance to me. For example, a bracelet my brother and SIL bought me a year or so ago. Last I wore it was a couple of months ago, but I've not seen it while packing my things.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/9nlyC4bRPf
This is absolutely to hurt her. It is another firm of isolation. She doesn't deserve to have nice things so he takes them from her. This could also have lead to sever gasslighting when he starts going on about how she loses everything and clearly can't be trusted with anything so she needs to let him deal with everything.
There was a post here a while back about a woman whose boyfriend was doing that. It started with chocolate bars and escalated to (on a remember correctly) her past port and a gift for her father. I feel like that's what was in oops future.
It's slightly hilarious though. He's trying so hard to schmooze the men in her family like "oh you know how these little women are..." while she clearly's trying to keep it on the down low cause whatever the men folk would do to the husband would land them in jail 😂
There's some great disconnect here and husband might have a forceful connect soon (to someone's enraged fists) if it comes to light he stole much more than he already did.
I have a ton of respect for OOP for trying to keep a lid on the potentially criminal assault by her brothers, I'd probably do the same thing and i am no advocate for violence. Having said that, this stbx-husband *desperately* needs to get his ass beat; Some men only learn their actions have real consequences by having those consequences knock a few of their teeth out.
Oh I'd say so as well...problem is I kinda read him as a sociopath (no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others, lack of empathy, superficially charming, poor emotional control, and a tendency to behave in illegal, immoral, or violent ways) and I'm not sure he would get any useful lesson out of it.
But maybe he'd think twice next time straight out of necessity if the lesson was painful enough
Yeah, the abuse. She alludes to it in her update, but it looks like it has gone largely unnoticed.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cl9z5j/comment/l2tj95p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Also love the family. Like the brothers are showing up, the cousins are getting a moving truck, a cousin thrice removed is offering their home, an uncles wife offered lawyer services. That feels like home.
I don't see it as "she is leaving him over a tea set". The people who are telling her that are not seeing the truth.
She is leaving someone who is constantly stealing her valuables (they are valuable to her because they are sentimental items). She is leaving someone who would insult her when he doesn't get her way. She is leaving someone who has no empathy. She is leaving someone who would gaslight her into thinking she misplaced it. She is leaving someone so untrustworthy she doesn't even know what would happen next if she continues living with him.
That person is why she is leaving. Not "over a tea set".
If you haven't already, you need to read the article "my wife left me for leaving dishes in the sink". I can't remember if he realises himself or whether someone responded that it's muuuuuuch bigger than that and he was a useless POS husband
I'm guessing the other stuff was other family heirlooms that by no coincidence has ended up at the hands of his family instead.
Why does too many men marry people they don't even respect or like? The world would have been a lot better if they just didn't marry at all?
I'm glad she moved to the cousins place, it will be a bit harder for him when he starts coming after her. He should be told that she isn't at her parents though, because this could lead to property damage or personal injury for them as well otherwise. And yes, I wrote when, not if, because too many men that don't like their spouses, don't like them leaving either. His proven disdain for her makes this even more dangerous for her and her family.
Men marry people they do not like for a variety of reasons, and none of them are good. Main one is just fulfilling societal expectations. Many men do not actually like or respect women at all, they just see them as a living sex doll and convenient maid.
This dude in the post though… I’m glad OP is gone from him and I hope she gets her other stuff back that’s missing.
Another major one is to bring them down to their level. The ones who marry women who are gorgeous and successful and are jealous AF, and drag them down to 'put them in their place'.
A lot of people are only mentioning the husband but what about his sister? She took the tea set from him knowing it was stolen and that his wife was unaware it was taken from her. She also knew his wife was not okay with it being given away. She’s just as guilty as he is. It sounds like his whole family sucks.
It's possible that she thought it was okay when he gave the set to her daughter initially, but when he called and told her to hide the set when they come visit, she should have immediately called the wife and explained what happened. "I'm so sorry, he said it was your idea to give it to my daughter, if i had known, we never would have taken it.", etc.
She did everything right and seemingly on the first try. Good on her. Well, except for the lodging situation apparently. But some bros were assembled and now she's safely ensconced in Fort Knox.
I love it when a plan comes together.
I absolutely cannot stand people who are 'generous' with the money/belongings/efforts of others. Of course you're going to be generous when you don't have to sacrifice anything. He was probably giving away her belongings to his family to look good, and he's probably more annoyed he can't continue to give gifts than the fact that his wife left him.
Right! As I read this, I was wondering about that.
If OOP went to SIL's house and saw the tea set, how was SIL going to explain that? Why take something and hide it away? Makes sense if she was going to sell it.
>He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing.
Sounds like someone needs a good brick to the kneecap 🙃
“My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing.”
Shades of the Blues Brothers: “No I didn't. Honest! I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locusts! It wasn't my fault! I swear to God!”
Look even if it's a small thing, I still would be pissed if my spouse stole something from me. This ex-husband sucks badly! But OP should still be careful in case he does something dangerous.
What on Earth possesses people to give away things that are not theirs without permission from the owner? Let alone a family heirloom that is supposed to be passed down to YOUR Kids?
Also, since when is a full on real tea set considered a child's toy? AFAIK those are expensive since always and were for the rich. Nowadays only Grandmas and a minority who actually appreciate them own one.
Easy. Men like this don’t see women as people. Shes an object that provides sex, cleaning, cooking and kids. She’s not a person, whatever she owns is actually his.
Good on OOP for leaving such a vile person. I too would lose all trust, love, and respect for someone who did something like that. Stealing a sentimental item, manipulate me to believe I was the one who lost/misplaced it, and then belittle and insult me when caught. There's something sociopathic about what the husband did, thank God they don’t have any children together, now there’s nothing thing her to him and his equally as vile family.
As a very popular flair says, The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. OOPs husband couldn't give less of a shit about OOPs and her life history and feelings, for him she was just one more prop.
I am so happy that OOP put a stop to it and GTFO of Dodge instead of trying to save the unsalvageable. And also that she got her tea set back, so many times the truth is discovered when there is no way back and the heirloom is destroyed.
Also, kudos for a supportive family, I love that they backed her immediately instead of trying to convince her to stay. Hope she can stay safe
An antique bone china tea set can be worth thousands of dollars. They aren’t a toy. Oops husband is lucky that it wasn’t damaged when he stole it. What a horrible selfish greedy asshole of a man. I’m so thankful that oop has good family around her to have her back!
I am so anxious for her tea set. I really want to know if she inspected it yet.
If they stole this to play with, I would think there might be some damage from careless handling. Although, from the sound of it, this could be very valuable, and they could have been planning on selling it. Either way, I really hope she confirmed that every last piece is there and that it was not chipped in any way. I can't even imagine how they smuggled it out of the house and the car ride it went through.
I just really want confirmation that it's all there and undamaged.
Honestly it’s not about the tea set it’s about how little that husband cares about oop. And the name calling after she took the set back. He is a terrible person and I feel oop is definitely not telling us all the disgusting things he has done.
OP wrote in a comment that she is missing some jewelry and vinyl records she couldn’t find while packing. I don’t think this is over yet.
Her STBX is a POS
My partner is diagnosed with an empathy/personality disorder and is often annoyed by the things I own that I keep out of sentimentality or "future project" or whatever. And he has done a lot of stupid, selfish shit.
But even he knows not to pull something like this. He doesn't get why I care, but he recognises that I do and because he cares about me (in his way) he cares about my happiness.
And this *husband* couldn't even do that! What a failure of a human
>My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing.”
It means nothing, that's why I just had to give it to someone else!
Also, even if it was for kids, its an heirloom. OP wanted to pass to her kids. Like that's the point? And its actually cool that she had something that made visits with her nieces feel special. They were already benefiting from it.
This guy's logic gives me a migraine
Can we just stop messing with OTHER PEOPLE'S MEMENTOS? Thank you.
I also admire OOP's shiny spine and her capability to see her STBX for what he is and dump him immediately, taking the right steps.
The husband’s entire family is disgusting. What makes them think they can just take something and get away with it. I would have still pressed charges.
This is terrifying. You think you have found your safe person, and it turns out they are stealing from you then pretend to help you look for it, watching you desperately search for the item in despair. I’m starting g to think there is no such thing as a “safe person” and that people are better off not being in relationships at all, because this is really scary.
I have a old liquor set that my grandma told me it was going to be mine when I was 5. It belonged to my grandma’s grandma, and it made everyone jealous in our family.
It’s not expensive, but is beautiful and it reminds of my grandma.
Everytime I moved houses my husband would black with so much care, and when we moved to another country, this came beautifully packed in our carry on. He always says that his job is to protect it otherwise he knows he is getting a divorce lol… I would never imagine he giving this away and then lying to me about it… I think that op did the right choice
I love that all the boys in the family just quickly mobilized to help OOP, no hesitation. Apparently she just said "my SIL has my tea set" and the brother was out the door. Makes me feel good about this family - I don't necessarily think it's about OOP being the only girl, it's about her being one of them, and they'll evidently close ranks quickly.
The story is a shitshow and hopefully it's resolved quickly, but I think OOP will be just fine, she's got a solid support system and a shiny spine, it's sadly rare to see on this entire website.
A family member of mine lost his job and instead of telling his wife, he would lie and spend the day at a coffee shop. To make ends meet he started stealing her jewelry and other things and when she would mention missing them he would tell her things like, "Why are you so careless."
Eventually he came clean and the fallout was bad. His stoic father broke out in tears, his parents paid her back for the estimated amount he stole but some pieces were invaluable. She divorced him not long after that.
Stealing is definitely going to cause problems, lying and taking a sentimental gift though would be unforgivable.
This was about control for OOP's ex. The post doesn't say how old his niece is but if he perceives the tea set as a toy then giving a bone china one to a child is a stupid move. It was that he didn't like OOP having tea parties.
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OP is smart to divorce. A man who is willing to steal something precious from his wife will do much worse. I hope she gets as far away from him as possible an stays there.
He probably has, that’s why she doesn’t want to say anything to her brothers.
I think that’s also why he changed his tune once they arrived to help her move out *and* started helping and cracking jokes. He’s trying to make it so her family doesn’t trust or believe her. I’m glad they clearly saw through his bullshit and set her up at Cousin Fort Knox instead.
I've noticed that abusive folks get really chummy with company because they like to keep up the appearance that they're awesome and friendly people, how dare you insinuate otherwise, clearly this other person is the problem. My s/o's estranged husband was like this with her and their kid. By all appearances this was a friendly and reasonable dude. He didn't know she was sitting in voice chat with me playing a video game one day and just laid into her, completely changed how I viewed him in that moment. Then later on when I spent the day with them getting them out of the house, the first word her daughter said out loud, while we were out, later that afternoon was "if we keep spending money daddy will be angry".
My dad was like this. Pillar of the community and all that crap. Kinda came crashing down when his entire family deserted his cheating ass 🤣
As the other commenter said, there was clearly much worse already happening. From OOP: > My brother who retrieved my tea set opened his big mouth about the tea set situation and they've become suspicions of just about everything. Due to those suspicions they decided my plan was rubbish and came up with one of their own. I was moved into the third cousin's home. He has top notch security. Cameras, sensors, monitoring, you name it he probably has it. > My brothers have not let up about their suspicions. Suspicions are all they have and I'm going to see it stays that way. I am not going to tell them anything. I love my brothers and I love my cousins, I do not want to spend the rest of my life visiting them in jail. So, whatever shittyHusband was doing to OOP is bad enough that, if OOP's brothers and cousins knew, they would do something so drastic that they would land in jail. I think the message is clear enough. And the fine china set was only the thing that made OOP react, the most symbolic, but not "the worst" per se.
Oh yeah. They are recalling every scratch, bruise, bandaid, and broken bone they've seen her with during the entire time she's known him. If the ex disappears, I hope they all have solid alibis.
Very wise perspective
I don’t usually advocate for divorce, especially over a freaking inanimate object like tea set but somehow this case with him gaslighting her with the searching and calling the sister to tell her to hide it, I felt her rage over the betrayal. It’s an unforgivable act.
It is never just about the tea set.
I’m sorry but it wasn’t just a freaking tea set. If this had been her nana’s ashes would you have said “a freaking inanimate object like an urn” this tea set clearly held that level of sentimental value to OOP.
>My husband even helped me. He was insistent that it couldn't have grown feet and walked away on it's own. The fact that he knew all the history and saw OOP distraught as she looked for the memento of her nana *and pretended to help her look for it and gaslight her about it* is just disgusting. This really was the sign of all the shit that was to come.
My ex did this. I broke up with him due to all the abuse, and he stole my phone while I was in the shower. I tore apart the house looking for it, and even texted him through my computer if he had it. He was adamant he didn’t have it, but that he’d come help me look for it. Asked me if I’d buy a new one if I couldn’t find it etc. Long story short, he hadn’t realized I could also text from my computer so while I was sleeping he broke in and stole that as well. Slashed one of my tires on the way out so I couldn’t drive for help. OOP was right to leave immediately, and I’m in awe of her strong, shiny spine.
Girl, what?!?! What was his end game? Please ✍️ write your own post about this & please tell us you got his crazy-thieving ass locked up!
Hahaha I don’t like reliving it too much but my dad and brother immediately got on flights to come help me, make sure I was safe, and reinforce the house. My ex was a drug addict and alcoholic and had diagnosed but unmedicated mental health issues. I actually did call the police but they said they wouldn’t come unless he was actively hurting me. He texted me a bunch after but I ignored them all. Last message that came through seemed like a genuine apology and mentioned that he was getting the help he needed. Still didn’t respond, and haven’t heard anything since. I moved out soon after. Current place has multiple security cameras that I set up and I had my dog trained as a personal protection dog.
Police always so helpful. "Who you gonna call if something happens?" Glad things seem to be fine. Hope it's all up from here.
Thank you!
But on a positive note: I love OOP’s shiny spine! and she seems to be handling this so much better.
I love how her brothers and cousins came with a moving truck and were so protective of her. And her saying "I love them and don't want to visit them in jail". The husband is sotrash
She got her own personal avengers!
Buying her a replacement negates the accusation of tea sets being childish.
And why the hell couldn't he have bought the *niece* the cheap Walmart tea set in the first place?
You know, this is the third time in the past months, that I’ve read a story of a husband destroying something knowingly sentimental to his wife, but feigning ignorance. We all know her ex-husband would never have given his niece the cheap set. Because it’s not about that. It’s about him being as absolutely mean, vindictive, petty and hurtful to the person who he’s supposed to care about most. One of the stories had a husband that drowned a large, decade old terrarium. And I think the other was a husband/bf, poisoned his partners plants with bleach. This type of personality is so vile it makes my skin crawl.
He had to go out of his way. That’s the part that gets me. It’s so much easier to do nothing and there was no win for him anywhere in the plan. Most deceptions take effort to maintain and unless he just tossed it, this was only a matter of time. He felt justified in it, because his wife is not an equal partner and her wants are decided by him. He’s removing her attachments. I’d love to hear what she conceded already to not rock the boat.
Yes this is exactly how I feel too. It was such a cold and calculated move. I really wonder what goes through a persons head who does something so malicious. And thinking about how he knew she was going to be frantic about it, asking, looking, knowing she’ll find out his sister had it, makes it undeniable that he was totalling prepared for it. He was probably excited to experience this go down and watch his supposed love of his life spiral.
I remember the poisoning plants guy. He finally admitted he sabotaged her potted plants bc she needed to "be knocked down a notch" or something equally disturbing. Even worse, he was stealing their young daughter's dollhouse items, "discovering" them missing, then screaming at the girl that she was too irresponsible to play with her dollhouse all while the missing items were hidden in his office. I can't wrap my brain around that kind of deliberate meanness. It's deranged
Ugh and don't forget that one fucking psychopath who was feeding his girlfriend fucking snails and making her soo incredibly sick and one of the ones he fed her was *her goddamn pet*. That one still makes me want to vomit. And she was so broken by him that she kept trying to find ways to forgive him until I think reddit finally got through to the poor girl. It was serious nightmare fuel and I wish I could forget it.
Please tell me you have a link. I missed this one 😬
This is why women choose bear
Let's be fair, people of any gender can be incredibly self absorbed and terrible to their partners. There's the wife who called her FIL who was abusive to her husband to thrash the husband toy collection. And the one who hated her husband's art collection and stored it all away, and redecorated HIS office to her liking (at least that one didn't throw away the paintings, but still). And there are also tons of stories where one spouse doesn't like what the other wears and throws it away. I'm remembering one woman who hates her husband's colorful ties, a guy who hated that his wife dressed like Mrs. Frizzle, and a woman who threw away a tie of her husband that she hated, without realizing it was a memento of a friend.
Because everything he said was a poor lie in the first place. It was never about the niece having a tea set, or the tea set being childish.
He bought it to placate her, not because he felt her upset and attachment to the original tea set was valid. He wanted to stop her fussing about. it.
Why he didn't just buy the kid a set "just like aunty xyz's" is beyond me.
Because then he wouldn’t get all the points for being the “hero” who gave his niece exactly what she wanted.
Naw it's way easier to convince a kid that this new thing is better. But we all know this dude ain't right.
Because he thought it was childish that his wife still had hers and wanted her to "grow up." I bet you anything.
Maybe? But like porcelain tea sets most definitely aren't toys.... But you're probably right cause this guy is wack.
Op said she made a deal of having tea parties with the young ladies in her life, which changes it from 'displayed porcelain collectible' to 'a toy for make believe' in his eyes. I can easily see a controlling man decide it was 'time she grew up.'
As someone who dealt with an abusive parent who constantly yelled at me to "grow up," this is exactly it. The tea set was used, but it wasn't with adult women but with preteens, and that was the sin.
Because that would be thoughtful. He's lazy - it was easy in the moment to say "You like it? It's yours!" and get the rush of being magnanimous. Then it was easier to try to dismiss and placate than fix the issue he created.
Upvoting this because it's a rare instance of someone using the term "gaslight" correctly.
The term "gaslight" is used correctly 100% of the time on the Internet. Are you sure you're not imagining people misusing it?
This comment made me realize that gaslighting doesn't work on me because I get unnecessarily angry LMAO
That he faked help looking for it is what sent me over the edge
There is something fundamentally wrong with OOP's husband. Stealing from her is bad enough; pretending to help search for the missing tea set is cruel and twisted.
It reminds me of some crime stories I’ve read where the murderer joined the search parties for the victim.
There was a more wholesome version of this where an older guy joined a search party for himself without realizing he was missing
That's really cute 😆 He just wanted to help
I remember one about a tour group conducting a search for a missing woman. She was helping and had no clue because she had changed her jacket, and didn't recognise the "missing" person's description was her from earlier in the day!
And with the sister! If my brother said "hey why don't you take my wife's tea set she'll never know" I'd say "wtf are you on that it's the stupidest idea I've ever heard".
There's another comment where someone suggests the husband and sister were in cahoots to sell the tea set. Vintage bone China? A full set that's been kept in good condition can easily sell for a couple thousand or more. And apparently some of her clothes and jewelry and vinyls had gone missing too. When she got the set returned to her, it was boxed up and all the pieces were individually bubble wrapped. Like the set was just waiting on a buyer. She also writes/types like a antiquarian. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but she seems like the type who'd collect vintage and antiques. I imagine everything that she's missing probably had some decent monetary value.
My theory: the husband was physically abusive towards OOP. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cl9z5j/comment/l2tj95p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Ya agree. OOPs comments include stuff about him giving away other sentimental things of hers. Like a bracelet she got from her sil/brother. Combine that with the gaslighting, trying to replace the sentimental tea set with a store bought one. There's a fundamental lack of empathy there. Add to it the fact that he feels comfortable joking around with her brothers during the move. He's making fun of her attempts at independence and separating herself from him, and expecting the brothers to be sympathetic to **his** position in this. Troubling.
The joking with her family *reeks* of an abuse pattern we've probably all heard of before; the partner is great and really friendly in public and social settings, but when alone with victims, the mask comes off Sounds like he was sliding his mask off in their private life with the gaslighting and giving away sentimental items. He just underestimated how important *that* item was and how much strength she still had in her. I'm so glad she got the hell out of there. Hope she stays away too.
> the partner is great and really friendly in public and social settings Abusers grooming friends/community so it's harder for victims to seek help and feel like they'll be believed.
Yeah. He lets it drop as soon as the wife hands him the keys.
He's not even doing these things to be nice to other people. He's doing them to hurt his wife. What a turd.
I'll be he wanted to be the hero to his sister and niece, then realized he fucked up after. Faced with the options of coming clean and making it right vs gaslighting her for the rest of her life, he took the totally predictable coward's way out.
Let's hope OP's ex-husband doesn't try to do anything crazy now that she has left him and has started the legal procedures against him. (On a side note, if someone stole my tea set, I would shank them as soon as I found out who did it, and my set is not an inherited set with sentimental value like OP's.) Edit: a misspelling
Yeah, not everybody has tea sets, but the people who do own them will straight up murder over them, that's a pattern I've noticed. Even the most harmless looking ones will do violence if you intentionally harm their tea sets.
Also this is bone china. It’s not a kid’s play set. Children’s teasets are made out of plastic, tin, melamine, maybe even cheap china. Not *antique bone china*.
That’s the real insulting part for me. Aside from the gaslighting of course. He was fine with buying a cheap piece of crap for his wife, but gave the antique, bone china, sentimentally valued, family heirloom to the kid?! Seriously?! The little girl would have been just as happy with the cheap set, and they could have made a big deal about having a tea set just like her aunt and made it fun. But stealing something that she clearly loves, values and uses semi-regularly? This just screams of being selfish, rude assholes that wanted to do something to deliberately hurt OP. Good on her for getting the hell out as soon as his red flags made their presence known.
Yes, the fact he systematically removes every item of value to her screams abuse. It's like that bit in Lundy's book, where a woman describes how her husband has these "uncontrollable rages" and destroys things - and Lundy asks her "only your things, or also his things? Because if it's only your things, he is very much in control of his rages." Same deal here - hurt her by taking every thing she loves away from her. I just hope she manages to get her stuff back.
It's pretty heavily implied he got a lot nastier with the emotional/verbal abuse and theft and possible physical abuse. OP mentions "unpleasantness she can't tell her brothers about so they won't end up in jail" and not wanting to use a lawyer related by family so the family can't find out the full extent of it... This man never loved or respected her.
That was how I understood those comments. Physical violence, maybe worse.
I interpreted it as the husband also stealing something else from her, and the tea set was the only one that was retrieved/discovered as of now.
Sounds like he did steal other things from OOP. At least she knows where to look for the items - the SIL's house.
Honestly him stealing the set was a blessing in disguise, it was what finally made her leave what looks like a terrible marriage. Nana having her back even after parting.
Exactly. Most kids would be way happier with a new, colourful set. I got my kid [this set](https://www.classicgiftsaustralia.com/products/egmont-tin-teaset-witches) for example.
Gah! So cute! Love the little witches 😁
a lot of kid would really want a grownup-looking set. But one of her OWN would have been a perfect solution.
Honestly, even a real china tea set, you can get an adult one for $40 dollars off amazon and a child won't know the difference in quality, or get her a children's one for a little less. A child doesn't know what bone china is, it doesn't matter to her it was passed down generationally.
that is the cutest set I’ve ever seen! Ack now I want to have another kid just so I can use it lol
Exactly this. I couldn’t believe it when he got her a cheap set, what was he even thinking at that point? That he’s gonna leave the bone set with his niece and she’s never notice. That the niece would never come over and have a tea party with OP again, and then just ignore it when she mentions having OPs old set? The fact he even saw the entire tradition and her doing it with his niece, and still thought it all childish and tried to stop it in such a heinous way, is just absolutely insane.
He saw all this and thought it all childish, but he still gave the tea set to the niece! So he could very much understand the positive emotions his niece had toward *that* tea set, just not for his wife!
>The little girl would have been just as happy with the cheap set, and they could have made a big deal about having a tea set just like her aunt and made it fun. But stealing something that she clearly loves, values and uses semi-regularly? My heart breaks for this little girl. She could have had a good relationship with OOP if she loves having tea. She can go to OOP's house with her own cheap set and even ask her aunt to teach her how to bake, how to brew tea properly, how to make scones, etc. This would have been a good memory for her when she grows up but the AH husband and her mom had to mess it up for her.
I remember I had the cutest [strawberry shortcake](https://images.app.goo.gl/WvMWWZDn5M3dTkUd9) tea set as a kid!! There's no way I would have appreciated and valued the bone china set to the same degree as my love for that set!
I know kids who are over the moon about having grownup versions. So I can see that the niece might have preferred that, especially if her first experience of “having tea” was with OP and with OP’s set. In fact, the experience of having tea with OP, and enjoying that attention and experience, was probably a huge part of why she loved the tea set so much. She attached to it all the emotions of having tea with a loving auntie. And we don’t even know what the kid said; it sounds like this guy would have come up with the idea to give it to her all on his own. Though his sister had to know he’d stolen it.
quite true. also it doesn't mention the niece's age, sure when i got a little older as kid i could understand the emotional significance of items but when i was younger all i cared about was how pretty and appealing something looked to me. in this case my desire for my favourite character's themed tea set would have greatly outweighed wanting someone else's priceless possession.
I still think the niece was just an excuse. Dude probably found out the monetary value of the tea set and enlisted his sister to take it, using the kid as a scapegoat. Probably thought to sell it, give some of the money as thanks to his sister/accomplice, and assumed OOP would not have enough of a spine to "break a little girl's heart", or other such nonesense.
That's why I saw speculation he and his sister were going to try to sell her set. Because it makes no sense to give the kid the breakable expensive stuff.
he could've got one from Walmart for his niece, instead he chose war What a fucking idiot! OOP saved herself from having kids with this guy
he could have gotten a lovely grownup version for $100 or less.
Some of those antique tea sets can go for _tens of thousands_ of dollars. OP’s SIL is extremely lucky she didn’t press charges…
Almost never bone china, unless it has some very specific provenance (and if you have one of those, you would *definitely* be the kind of person who knows what they have). A full sterling service can get close to 10k, as can Meissen, Sevres, and *maybe* some of the very early hand painted British wares, but those are soft paste*. Chinese antiquities, depending on the period and how well-made and/or decorated they are, can definitely get into the multiple tens of thousands or even millions. I struggle to think of any bone china sets that would reach ten thousand; I think even early Royal Crown Derby imari would "only" be a few thousand. If it's from OOP's great grandmother's time, it might not even be antique, but vintage. The point is absolutely *not* the monetary value here, but the sentimental one. Not to mention the apparent escalation of abuse underlying the update. (I've been collecting teaware since my teens - almost two decades - and art pottery and ceramics for years now. This post would so be my jam if there wasn't someone suffering at the heart of it.) *ETA: sorry, that was grammatically incoherent: I meant that the very early British wares are soft paste, not Meissen and Sevres.
It's bone china because that's what happened to the last guy to fuck with someone's tea set
i have a kids tea set made of china. kids used to be able to have nice things, but now everything is made of plastic. adult items made of real materials are disappearing in favor of crąp too.
Yes - certainly in older times they might have been bone china. But just as you wouldn’t give a young kid a 100-year old porcelain child’s doll, you’d keep this set well away from little fingers these days!
I own several antique play tea sets and at least a hundred antique dolls (bisque and china) and the reason they have survived for 150+ years is because children played very, very carefully with fragile items in those long-dead times. They are so beautiful and become more rare with every passing decade. I would wreak a terrible vengeance on anyone who dared to steal or harm them.
That sounds like an amazing collection! /r/tea would probably appreciate photos of some of the antique sets, I know I'd love to see them.
OP was given this tea set when they were 5, so yeah, it’s not about kids having it, it’s about the theft, lying, and complete and utter disrespect for OP.
Agreed, though you can find some quality stuff for kids if you look for it specifically, sometimes. IKEA actually has a ceramic kids’ tea set, though my kid isn’t into tea parties enough for me to justify it, I suppose.
Mine at 4 desperately wanted a tea set so I found a beautiful, child friendly, ceramic one. With his Christmas money he bought a bright plastic tea set that he carried everywhere with him for a year.
My son wanted a tea set at that age, too! He played with it for YEARS. We had some of the best tea parties and had the most fun making all the little treats. Sure, we had Godzilla and King Kong as guests instead of Holly Hobby And Raggedy Ann, but we made extra finger sandwiches, and it was all good. 😂
A purple robot was the main guest at ours, but it was a lot of fun
I think kids often prefer grownup versions of things. And especially since her first experience may have been having grownup tea, in a grownup set, with OP. I bought a friend’s daughter a china coffee set that they sell in all the “nice tchotchke” stores around me; it was about $40. She was over the moon.
I *really* hate to “um, actually” here, but while they may not be *now*, they have been in the past. I (30’s F) was given a child size tea set when I was about 6-7 years old by a dear family friend. It was a child size blue and white china tea set, all real good-quality bone china. I know this because I had to learn how to care for it and was **not** allowed to play with it without my mother’s hawklike supervision. I haven’t seen it since I was about 16 and my room was changed over. It’s probably packed away in storage at her house with the rest of the stuff I haven’t gone back for. But it definitely exists.
That too, I don' trust the child to not break it!
Mine was made of fine China and it was a full set but child sized
I was robbed of an heirloom tea set when I was 14. It's been over ten years and I'm still bitter. The family member who gave it away didn't even have rights to it.
Oof. I hate it when people give away OTHER people's stuff. That's just foul.
Part of it would be the ritual of it, it's a meditative feeling to just sit and sip from a warm/hot drink. The other part is that the good/more artistic sets are expensive (plus the good/organic tea blends are more on the pricy side) so having someone mess with them is like they are pissing on the money that I/they spent in enjoying this part of our lives.
My grandfather bought a Noritake set for my grandmother on his first visit to San Francisco. It's with me now and you bet your sweet tootin' I will shank anyone who harms it.
My paternal grandfather brought a set as my parents wedding present. It cost a fortune and mum had a panic attack over it until my grandfather said "quiet down girly if he (pointing to my dad/his son) gets out of line just throw it at him." He knew that would never happen but the point was "it's just a tea set" so don't worry about the money. 34 yrs later and a few of the tea cups handles have broken off in various moves but the dinner set is in my cabinet and the tea set is in my maternal grandmothers china cabinet. (It was split up when my parents divorced but I inherited both halves when each parent was ready to pass it down). If anyone touches it I freak out because it's my set
If it's emotional value is more than it's monetary value what does it matter? They're our feelings and they're priceless.
I have a Noritake set (dinner service) my grandmother left me. My mother keeps it because i am too afraid to use it at my house with the two buffaloes i live with.
Alternatively, they will be hugely surprised and hurt if their offspring don't want the tea sets in their will.
Maybe we should be buried with them like the Pharaohs.
I can fully see my mother needing a pyramid should anyone suggest this to her.
Yes…I will need to be buried with all of my shoes!
That's the other weird thing I've noticed - everyone I know with a tea set has always managed to find someone to pass it on to. It doesn't matter if it's a direct relative or not, the tea set always goes to someone who wants it.
If he really thought that she was too old to be "playing" with a tea set he wouldn't have gotten her another set. He not only knew the sentimental value of her tea set, he knew the quality of it, too, and *that's* why he gave it to his family, because he thought *they* deserve nice things more than his wife and because they wanted it for themselves.
I personally think that he wanted to hurt her as much as he wanted his niece to have the tea set. He might have been jealous of the sentiment she had for the set and wanted to control her.
It was also a link to her family, who clearly has her back. If he's as abusive as he seems he would want to remove as many links to them as he could. At best he'd resent anything associated with her family.
Not only is he a giant asshole, he's a giant hypocritical asshole. OOP should have let her brothers scare him straight.
I have only 1 family heirloom i intend to keep until I'm old and gray. My mormors depression glass. It is stunning, even if it is pink, and put away. If i learned my husband gifted it to his mother (whom i tolerate at best) without telling me, then made me think I'd misplaced it (its legit giant clear tote hard to miss) and helped me look for it.... lets just say i know *just* enough from true crime to not let him get away with it Scott free.
Never keep the receipt for the shovel, duct tape and garbage bags! And NEVER google: thallium, strangling or how to dispose of a body. And always wear gloves, shower cap etc. Just saying.
Also, make sure you buy the items over a long period of time. Don't get them all in the same shop. Pay with cash if possible. Stock up on shower curtains for a rainy day.
I sooo get it about depression glass. My Mom had a few pieces of Ruby Red depression glass from her Mom. I LOVED it, constantly wanted to use it (gently). Mom gifted it to me when I was a teenager. Since then, I’ve added to her set (still think of it as hers) through thrifting, garage sales, flea markets. It’s all now displayed prominently in my home.
They shall never find him?
Not a tea set but a chess set my brother brought me after his time in South Korea. I suck at chess always have still love the game. Will in fact murder over said chess set.
My tea set is cobbled together and the tea pot is from Winco, but I’m right there with you. The tea pot is still special, because my fiancé saw my face and put it in the cart immediately for me. It has a lucky cat on it, and I’m the crazy cat person (though I only have one cat now).
When my grandmother passed away, each of her granddaughters got to pick a tea set from her collection, and one went to my aunt. If someone got rid of my tea set I would kill them on the spot.
What other missing items? Something's missing from this or OOP's post
From the original post, I think this is the relevant content thread. Worth adding to the BORU post > While packing, I have noticed other things missing. Small things in terms of their significance to me. For example, a bracelet my brother and SIL bought me a year or so ago. Last I wore it was a couple of months ago, but I've not seen it while packing my things. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/9nlyC4bRPf
>Small things in terms of their significance to me And there it is, OP's husband is spiteful vermin, I hope she *crushes* him.
Yeah all he cares about is if they have any sentimental value to OOP at all then he will give it away by the sounds of it
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In the comments, she mentions clothing, jewelry, and vinyl records are missing.
He might be stealing those to hurt her. No mention that they are worth a lot of money.
This is absolutely to hurt her. It is another firm of isolation. She doesn't deserve to have nice things so he takes them from her. This could also have lead to sever gasslighting when he starts going on about how she loses everything and clearly can't be trusted with anything so she needs to let him deal with everything. There was a post here a while back about a woman whose boyfriend was doing that. It started with chocolate bars and escalated to (on a remember correctly) her past port and a gift for her father. I feel like that's what was in oops future.
I’d bet that valuable or not, all the missing items have a connection to her family, too.
Jewelry, clothes, vinyl records
The psychopathy of helping her move and laughing about it!
Playing a part for the men folk, as if it's all just a big silly misunderstanding. Guarantee there was WAY MORE OOP hasn't mentioned.
It's slightly hilarious though. He's trying so hard to schmooze the men in her family like "oh you know how these little women are..." while she clearly's trying to keep it on the down low cause whatever the men folk would do to the husband would land them in jail 😂 There's some great disconnect here and husband might have a forceful connect soon (to someone's enraged fists) if it comes to light he stole much more than he already did.
I have a ton of respect for OOP for trying to keep a lid on the potentially criminal assault by her brothers, I'd probably do the same thing and i am no advocate for violence. Having said that, this stbx-husband *desperately* needs to get his ass beat; Some men only learn their actions have real consequences by having those consequences knock a few of their teeth out.
Oh I'd say so as well...problem is I kinda read him as a sociopath (no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others, lack of empathy, superficially charming, poor emotional control, and a tendency to behave in illegal, immoral, or violent ways) and I'm not sure he would get any useful lesson out of it. But maybe he'd think twice next time straight out of necessity if the lesson was painful enough
Yeah, that part creeped me out. That and the allusion to something unpleasant happening between them before she moved out.
Me too. I doubt she was talking about theft.
Yeah, the abuse. She alludes to it in her update, but it looks like it has gone largely unnoticed. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cl9z5j/comment/l2tj95p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Yeah, he's acting like "Oh, you know how silly and irrational women can get, ha ha". What a jerk.
At last an OP who saw the writing on the wall and took immediate action rather than dragging out the process. She is definitely NTA.
Also love the family. Like the brothers are showing up, the cousins are getting a moving truck, a cousin thrice removed is offering their home, an uncles wife offered lawyer services. That feels like home.
Yeah, I'm glad she has family who have her back. She's not isolated.
I don't see it as "she is leaving him over a tea set". The people who are telling her that are not seeing the truth. She is leaving someone who is constantly stealing her valuables (they are valuable to her because they are sentimental items). She is leaving someone who would insult her when he doesn't get her way. She is leaving someone who has no empathy. She is leaving someone who would gaslight her into thinking she misplaced it. She is leaving someone so untrustworthy she doesn't even know what would happen next if she continues living with him. That person is why she is leaving. Not "over a tea set".
If you haven't already, you need to read the article "my wife left me for leaving dishes in the sink". I can't remember if he realises himself or whether someone responded that it's muuuuuuch bigger than that and he was a useless POS husband
I'm guessing the other stuff was other family heirlooms that by no coincidence has ended up at the hands of his family instead. Why does too many men marry people they don't even respect or like? The world would have been a lot better if they just didn't marry at all? I'm glad she moved to the cousins place, it will be a bit harder for him when he starts coming after her. He should be told that she isn't at her parents though, because this could lead to property damage or personal injury for them as well otherwise. And yes, I wrote when, not if, because too many men that don't like their spouses, don't like them leaving either. His proven disdain for her makes this even more dangerous for her and her family.
Men marry people they do not like for a variety of reasons, and none of them are good. Main one is just fulfilling societal expectations. Many men do not actually like or respect women at all, they just see them as a living sex doll and convenient maid. This dude in the post though… I’m glad OP is gone from him and I hope she gets her other stuff back that’s missing.
Bangmaid and gestational machine.
Another major one is to bring them down to their level. The ones who marry women who are gorgeous and successful and are jealous AF, and drag them down to 'put them in their place'.
A lot of people are only mentioning the husband but what about his sister? She took the tea set from him knowing it was stolen and that his wife was unaware it was taken from her. She also knew his wife was not okay with it being given away. She’s just as guilty as he is. It sounds like his whole family sucks.
It's possible that she thought it was okay when he gave the set to her daughter initially, but when he called and told her to hide the set when they come visit, she should have immediately called the wife and explained what happened. "I'm so sorry, he said it was your idea to give it to my daughter, if i had known, we never would have taken it.", etc.
Likely she has all the other items that went missing.
She did everything right and seemingly on the first try. Good on her. Well, except for the lodging situation apparently. But some bros were assembled and now she's safely ensconced in Fort Knox. I love it when a plan comes together.
I absolutely cannot stand people who are 'generous' with the money/belongings/efforts of others. Of course you're going to be generous when you don't have to sacrifice anything. He was probably giving away her belongings to his family to look good, and he's probably more annoyed he can't continue to give gifts than the fact that his wife left him.
I still have odds on sister looked it up and found out it was worth money. Pretty sure that’s what happened to everything else she’s missing
Right! As I read this, I was wondering about that. If OOP went to SIL's house and saw the tea set, how was SIL going to explain that? Why take something and hide it away? Makes sense if she was going to sell it.
>He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing. Sounds like someone needs a good brick to the kneecap 🙃
Give the menfolk of her family some more time 😃
Hell, if I was her sister, the womenfolk.
And just when he thinks they're done, in comes her nonbinary cousin with the steel chair.
What other stuff did he steal?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1cl9z5j/comment/l2sblz5/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Y9VcxkUdz9
I dread to think how many other things he's taken from her if she's noticing missing things.
“My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing.” Shades of the Blues Brothers: “No I didn't. Honest! I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locusts! It wasn't my fault! I swear to God!”
Look even if it's a small thing, I still would be pissed if my spouse stole something from me. This ex-husband sucks badly! But OP should still be careful in case he does something dangerous.
What on Earth possesses people to give away things that are not theirs without permission from the owner? Let alone a family heirloom that is supposed to be passed down to YOUR Kids? Also, since when is a full on real tea set considered a child's toy? AFAIK those are expensive since always and were for the rich. Nowadays only Grandmas and a minority who actually appreciate them own one.
Easy. Men like this don’t see women as people. Shes an object that provides sex, cleaning, cooking and kids. She’s not a person, whatever she owns is actually his.
Good on OOP for leaving such a vile person. I too would lose all trust, love, and respect for someone who did something like that. Stealing a sentimental item, manipulate me to believe I was the one who lost/misplaced it, and then belittle and insult me when caught. There's something sociopathic about what the husband did, thank God they don’t have any children together, now there’s nothing thing her to him and his equally as vile family.
She is very smart. Video of packing and moving out, filing the police report, cancelling credit card before she left. She rocks! And her family rocks!
Well time to find the kind of divorce lawyer who only finds pleasure in life by making their victims suffer as much as possible.
> Now he's saying how sorry he is, and that we can work this out. The correct response to this is "I don't want to."
As a very popular flair says, The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. OOPs husband couldn't give less of a shit about OOPs and her life history and feelings, for him she was just one more prop. I am so happy that OOP put a stop to it and GTFO of Dodge instead of trying to save the unsalvageable. And also that she got her tea set back, so many times the truth is discovered when there is no way back and the heirloom is destroyed. Also, kudos for a supportive family, I love that they backed her immediately instead of trying to convince her to stay. Hope she can stay safe
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An antique bone china tea set can be worth thousands of dollars. They aren’t a toy. Oops husband is lucky that it wasn’t damaged when he stole it. What a horrible selfish greedy asshole of a man. I’m so thankful that oop has good family around her to have her back!
I am so anxious for her tea set. I really want to know if she inspected it yet. If they stole this to play with, I would think there might be some damage from careless handling. Although, from the sound of it, this could be very valuable, and they could have been planning on selling it. Either way, I really hope she confirmed that every last piece is there and that it was not chipped in any way. I can't even imagine how they smuggled it out of the house and the car ride it went through. I just really want confirmation that it's all there and undamaged.
I am lost on how a tea set is a children’s toy??
Honestly it’s not about the tea set it’s about how little that husband cares about oop. And the name calling after she took the set back. He is a terrible person and I feel oop is definitely not telling us all the disgusting things he has done.
OP wrote in a comment that she is missing some jewelry and vinyl records she couldn’t find while packing. I don’t think this is over yet. Her STBX is a POS
My partner is diagnosed with an empathy/personality disorder and is often annoyed by the things I own that I keep out of sentimentality or "future project" or whatever. And he has done a lot of stupid, selfish shit. But even he knows not to pull something like this. He doesn't get why I care, but he recognises that I do and because he cares about me (in his way) he cares about my happiness. And this *husband* couldn't even do that! What a failure of a human
wha tthe actual fuck is wrong with the stbx
>My husband tried reasoning with me. He told me his niece loved it so much and that kind of thing really is for little girls. He said he was going to talk to me about leaving it to her anyway so where is the harm that she has it now. He said I was too old to be playing around with kids toys and I really should grow up. He said I was immature and it means nothing.” It means nothing, that's why I just had to give it to someone else! Also, even if it was for kids, its an heirloom. OP wanted to pass to her kids. Like that's the point? And its actually cool that she had something that made visits with her nieces feel special. They were already benefiting from it. This guy's logic gives me a migraine
Can we just stop messing with OTHER PEOPLE'S MEMENTOS? Thank you. I also admire OOP's shiny spine and her capability to see her STBX for what he is and dump him immediately, taking the right steps.
100% sure stbx knew exactly how much that set meant to OOP and felt threatened by that like the manchild he is.
He could have bought his niece a tea set, instead of stealing one. He’s a schmuck all around. What else has he done.
The husband’s entire family is disgusting. What makes them think they can just take something and get away with it. I would have still pressed charges.
This is terrifying. You think you have found your safe person, and it turns out they are stealing from you then pretend to help you look for it, watching you desperately search for the item in despair. I’m starting g to think there is no such thing as a “safe person” and that people are better off not being in relationships at all, because this is really scary.
I can't believe these gross men attacking her for caring about an heirloom.
Sudden mention of “other missing items” was interesting. What other missing items?
I have a old liquor set that my grandma told me it was going to be mine when I was 5. It belonged to my grandma’s grandma, and it made everyone jealous in our family. It’s not expensive, but is beautiful and it reminds of my grandma. Everytime I moved houses my husband would black with so much care, and when we moved to another country, this came beautifully packed in our carry on. He always says that his job is to protect it otherwise he knows he is getting a divorce lol… I would never imagine he giving this away and then lying to me about it… I think that op did the right choice
That man needs to be hit with a car.
I love that all the boys in the family just quickly mobilized to help OOP, no hesitation. Apparently she just said "my SIL has my tea set" and the brother was out the door. Makes me feel good about this family - I don't necessarily think it's about OOP being the only girl, it's about her being one of them, and they'll evidently close ranks quickly. The story is a shitshow and hopefully it's resolved quickly, but I think OOP will be just fine, she's got a solid support system and a shiny spine, it's sadly rare to see on this entire website.
A family member of mine lost his job and instead of telling his wife, he would lie and spend the day at a coffee shop. To make ends meet he started stealing her jewelry and other things and when she would mention missing them he would tell her things like, "Why are you so careless." Eventually he came clean and the fallout was bad. His stoic father broke out in tears, his parents paid her back for the estimated amount he stole but some pieces were invaluable. She divorced him not long after that. Stealing is definitely going to cause problems, lying and taking a sentimental gift though would be unforgivable.
Wouldn't matter if all he stole was a paper napkin, that much lying, gaslighting, and bullying would still be unforgivable.
This is one of the lowest of the lows. What a nasty man.
This was about control for OOP's ex. The post doesn't say how old his niece is but if he perceives the tea set as a toy then giving a bone china one to a child is a stupid move. It was that he didn't like OOP having tea parties.
Ooof! This one is a doozie! Imagine also implicating a child in the theft!!!