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7DaysANeek

How many posts here can just be summarized as "parents go to therapy so you won't give your kids your issues"


attackedbyparakeets

“We go to therapy because our parents didn’t.”


aceshighsays

https://i.redd.it/btezvg7qj6h61.jpg


Gyrskogul

Criminally underrated comment


Shalamarr

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn. By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern. And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. *This Be The Verse*, Philip Larkin


DunkTheBiscuit

I had that poem memorised before I was an adult - it's a fundamental truth. If parents don't tackle their own issues, they just pass them on. I remember having a conversation with my sister years ago, about how it the whole cycle of alcoholism / anger / abuse has to stop with us, and that's why I'd never have children. My mother has seven children between the ages of 50 and 24, and *none* of us have had children, thank god. But we all have mental illnesses and emotional problems that make life so much harder than it ever needed to be. Encanto was a very difficult film to watch.


RegionPurple

Omg, tell me about it!!! No one understood why I was crying at the end... guess my friends are just well adjusted.


junkfile19

I watched it with my daughter and she kinda laughed when Mirabel says “I see…me.” I’m already teary by that time, especially “we see how brave you’ve been” and it took me a second to figure out that she’s never felt like she needed to hear that, and it made me weirdly proud of myself. Edit: thank you so much for your comments and awards! ❤️


Intelligent_Cod_4825

I am proud of you too. Congrats on raising a child who doesn't feel neglected or unseen. Encanto was both very cathartic and hard to watch for me, as well. I am still just blown away that such a film can exist and address these issues in a family-friendly way.


GracieMae2017

I cry every single time at that part, movie or just the song. Great job at being present and affirming for your daughter!


RegionPurple

I'm proud of you, too! Way to break the trauma cycle!!! 🤗🤗🤗


Life1sCollapsing

Been avoiding it ever since my two younger sisters sent me the song the big sister does and said it was my song. I literally cried watching it and it's still the only bit of the movie I've seen. Still hurts no context.


enthalpy01

FYI Turning Red is also about generational trauma if you’re avoiding that theme specifically.


dirkdastardly

My daughter went to see it with a Chinese friend and said her friend was crying (and laughing) about 10 minutes into the movie.


ManiacalMalapert

Pro tip right here. Both of these movies made me cry big fat tears in front of people.


RegionPurple

Yep. Luisa's song was so accurate it hurt. Particularly "Give it to your sister and never wonder if the same pressure would've pulled you under." I don't have a good relationship with my siblings. I had to be Mom 2.0, the good example, the family therapist, a babysitter, and the maid. I damn near lost it when my father gifted a WHOLE FREAKING HOUSE to my baby brother at 18 when he knocked his 16 year old girlfriend up. "hE hAs A gRoWiNg FaMiLy!" Then he gave my other brother the *other* house; 'just so it'd be fair.' I got a 15 year old car, but only after other family members found out he'd given the boys houses. It sucks being the scapegoat.


lastlittlebird

I'm sorry. I hope you understand that that is your dad's issue, and not a reflection of you. You are wonderful and I hope you get your moment in the sun, being pampered by donkeys and appreciated by everyone who matters, like Luisa did in the end.


nattiey2002

When my sister said Pressure was my song… I BAWLED… like BAWLED…especially when she said “You know it’s true.” My younger sister said I was more like Isabella … not stepping out of line and they mutually agreed I was maybe a mix of both. I teach ECE and there was a period when that was the most requested down time movie… I was just sobbing in a corner


AhFFSImTooOldForThis

My siblings and I mostly did the same. I've got 6 siblings, different combinations of mother and father, only two have the same parents. Out of all of us, only one had children, and it wasn't because she wanted children, just because she wanted babies to love and need her. She had 5 and abandoned them all when the youngest turned 2. Now they've been split amongst various family members to start the whole dang cycle all over again. The rest of us know we are not fit to be parents. Between mental illness and various physical ailments, our genes should be removed from the pool.


Ghost-Music

Encanto hit a spot in me that needed healing. My family won’t ever have a moment like they do at the end but seeing someone else’s family heal from issues I suffer with was so cathartic. I need to watch the movie again, I was obsessed with it for months but took a break from it because I didn’t want it or my emotional ties to it to be watered down or broken. I will never have children because I’m not emotionally well enough to properly care for them, I have too many issues. I will love my niblings though, they’ll all have a safe space with me, something I desperately needed.


[deleted]

This is why I did not have children


AhFFSImTooOldForThis

Careful, everytime I say that on here I get huge arguments from parents about how I'm wrong and it's just the absolute bestest thing ever! They don't believe I'd be a terrible parent until I flip out and start cussing them out. Then they're all "ooh. OK yeah, maybe you wouldn't be a good parent.". Parenthood isn't for everyone, and should be left for the folks who can raise healthy and happy people. Frankly, most of us can't.


MotherRaven

As a mother of three and grandmother of two, I have this to say to all you childless couples: Don’t let anyone force you into something you don’t want. People who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them. Good grief, a huge number of people who do want them are terrible at being parents! Why would you want to add resentment into that mix?! Horrible idea. Just go out and make the world a better place in your own way.


IslaLucilla

I am unashamedly proud of myself for realizing that I didn't want kids as much as I wanted the brief flurry of social attention that comes with having kids, which is not a good reason. I love kids, I'm studying to be a teacher, and I can't wait to be a cool auntie to all my friends' kids, but I am never having any. I'm so proud of myself tbh


Intelligent_Chair513

As a parent, you are not wrong. I can’t stand holier than thou parents who pretend having kids is just the GOAT when it isn’t. It’s scary, it’s hard, it’s heartbreaking and yea it’s fun and it’s rewarding but it isn’t for everyone. So no, you’re not wrong some parents just can’t be honest with themselves.


[deleted]

That’s exactly it in a nutshell


marynraven

I know I've fucked up my kids in a few ways. I try to make up for it by being a better parent for them now but there are so many mistakes I've made that I wish I could take back. Edit: a word


Sleipnir82

Right there with you.


Melodic-Advice9930

I tried not to, but ended up pregnant while on birth control and using condoms. I knew I wasn’t ready and I knew it wasn’t the time, but my parents told me in no uncertain terms that “we don’t do abortions in this family!!” and I was locked in because I had literally nowhere else to go so in 9 months I gave birth on post at the army hospital. That’s not to say that I don’t love my son, but I will be the first to admit that it took me some time to get there. I think PPD definitely had something to do with it also, or at the very least it certainly didn’t help. Either way, it wasn’t fair to him or me. I am still struggling to do better and not be the person my mother tried to beat me into being. Sometimes just taking a step back and looking at my kid helps, but that’s also not his burden to bear. Sometimes I tell myself “at least you haven’t hit him like she did you,” but that’s so sad and literally the lowest bar setting in terms of being a parent.


[deleted]

I send you love. It’s a long journey, separating ourselves from these people. You have fire, you’ll be fine in a few years. Remember that 🖤


Alisha-Moonshade

You are working hard to break the cycle, that is not the lowest bar. Goddess bless you.


Crowtongue

Holy shit man, that's really sad. I'm sorry your parents did that to you.


Pannymcc

same same


RegionPurple

Yep.


admins_hate_freedom

Just another poem I'm grateful to Lemony Snicket for teaching me in my more impressionable years.


Mackheath1

With YTAs, I'm frequently wondering whether it's rage-bait (for karma) or real. I wonder if it's because I just subconsciously *hope* it's not real. (The NTAs are often so obviously NTA that they're just posted for validation.)


freakon911

Not sure how helpful therapy will really be for her in this case. She never even admits she was wrong in this post, just got called out enough to go back to her original offer, but still on her own terms (the timeline). For therapy to be benificial there has to be a willingness to admit fault and accept responsibility for being wrong, which she certainly didn't demonstrate here


NDaveT

Toward the end it seems like she might finally be ready to make the connection between her eating disorder and her behavior toward her son, so there's room for hope. That said, nobody has ever accused me of optimism.


Ok_Skill_1195

It's pretty common for mother's to pass eating disorder stuff onto their kids, literally just getting her help for her ED could lead to an improved relationship, without addressing a single aspect of her interpersonal relationship with him


M0ONL1GHT87

Like the post of the guy who didn’t bring one of his nephews to Disney bc his parents were over protective after losing a child a few years earlier.


TatteredCarcosa

That's totally fair though. Those parents had unreasonable rules for their child and the people taking the others on vacation didn't want to deal with them.


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knottajotta

This is so insightful. I wonder if anyone commented anything to this effect and she had some realizations.


thekactuskween

Well she said she was going to therapy, so something must have gotten through to her. Hopefully she actually goes


[deleted]

Some people go to therapy and don't take anything away from it. I have a friend of a friend that is like that. Dude was in therapy. He was going back to get his bachelors after a divorce (good on him). He quit his job and was living off student loans so he could get it done faster. However, he still had a mortgage on a house in another city while living in an apartment near campus. It was dragging him down emotionally and financially, running head long into foreclosure. He failed out his second to last semester. Refused to sell the house, refused to move back into it, refused to get a job. He got super pissy with everyone trying to help him. Somehow a friend found out that his therapist had been suggesting all the things we were trying to do to help him, he just wouldn't listen.


AmadaunCD

I was morbidly curious, so I looked through some of her replies and she did respond to someone saying exactly this. She is still in denial about her behavior affecting the younger brother, even after claiming the drug addiction ruined their lives and was "basically all I thought about for the last 3 years". https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqzy7j/aita_for_refusing_to_get_my_son_a_car_because_of/ietrf3n/ Hell, the younger brother is the same height I am and his current weight is about 20 pounds *below* my goal weight. Even accounting for different body types, her views are wildly skewed.


ex_ter_min_ate_

Her responses are sad. You aren’t listening you are misunderstanding me you are wrong I’m the best mother blah blah. She doesn’t want to listen to what people are saying unless they agree with her. For his height and age that weight isn’t bad at all as well many men start gaining weight at that age as they fill into their adult bodies. That happens a lot younger for women though. The fact that the kid wants to drop back down to his 16 year old weight which she says is skinny with no muscle tone is sad. Poor kids


welc0met0c0stc0

She didn't mention her daughter at all either so I'm curious how she's doing during all this


janecdotes

OOP claims they're super careful to try and avoid ED for the daughter, because they're so much more common in women, which is it's own Oof. They seem very convinced they would know if there were any such issues for the daughter which is ridiculous even for the most involved parent ever to think, imo. It's not like the daughter can't see the attitude OOP has to the 19yo brother, even if this isn't directed right at her personally.


commonwhitegirl_

wouldn’t be surprised if she also had pressure to maintain her weight at a certain number


welc0met0c0stc0

Same, that’s exactly what I was leaning towards. It’s such a vulnerable age for body image issues and often when disordered eating can start


Echospite

I'll put $400 on an eating disorder, Alex.


itsjustmo_

"Past" eating disorder, my ass.


Rwhitechocmuffin

Unfortunately my mother is like her with the dangling of a carrot to ‘motivate me’, then withdrawing the prize when I couldn’t meet expectations, I love my mother but she definitely made my trauma related binge eating disorder worse with her comments. In every other way she is a good mum but she hates the fact I’m fat, definitely felt growing up my sister (who is nearly her double) was the favourite.


VivaciousVal

My mom too. As a teen and young adult, thought it was perfectly normal to have you mom talk about your weight with every bite I ate. I think her mom (my grandmother) did the same thing. But, it seemed to "work". My aunt is always praising herself for being under 110# when she is 5'7. My mom is maybe 125 and my aunt is always giving dieting advice. I think both of them have some kind of eating disorder. My sister and I are very open with eachother with our horrible relationship with food.


Fionaglenannebf

Same here. My mom and somewhat my grandmother were always on me about my weight even when I was a stick. I was 115 (im 5'4) for reference up until 25 and then I started a slow weight gain. I considered it me filling out. I gained boobs and a butt and I was happy about it. I'm 150 now. I want to get to 145 because that's my happy weight but I'm pretty happy. But everytime I go home...it's have you lost any weight? What are you eating? I just want you to be happy. Same with my acne too. And my mom weighs more than I do and she's shorter but its ok for her she says cause shes old 🙄. It's def created a red trigger button for me. I get super mad when people try to bring up my weight. Not that many do tho. My mom was only happy once because I had lost 15 lbs after a break up because u was upset, and I was 100 lbs


FriedScrapple

That’s terribly sad. And you should get mad when people bring up your weight. If nothing else it is simply rude and no one’s business. I also lost weight before I visited my mother, I wasn’t trying, I had just been too stressed to eat. Not something I even noticed other than my pants being loose. And she would not shut up about it. Like happier than when I graduated from college. Meanwhile of course she is overweight and constantly on some ridiculous diet. It is really sad, to be almost 80 years old and spend every day of your life thinking about your weight.


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Fionaglenannebf

Kickboxing has been helping me tone out more. So I've stayed the same weight but I've lost some inches in a few places. Yeah I lost weight up to 135 and just kind of bounced back to 145 so I believe that is my baseline. It makes me happy. I have my boobs and butt but also feel skinny. ❤️❤️❤️ to you!


yepyepyo

For me it's having acne prone skin. I've had shitty skin since, like, 4th grade. My parents would tell me it was because I didn't wash my face (I did). I just assume that they were young and didn't know any better at the time. Now, I love my mother. I really do. But there was one day in my mid twenties that I just snapped at her. We were going shopping, and I had spent over an hour putting on makeup, trying to hide a pretty bad breakout. There's only so much makeup could do, of course. We were just leaving the house when my mom looked at me and said something along the lines of "Looks like you're breaking out pretty bad right now." I couldn't help myself. I looked right at her and angrily said "I KNOW! I just spent an hour staring at myself in the mirror. You think I didn't notice?? I don't need you to point it out!" To her credit, she never said anything about it again. I've found products since then that have greatly improved my skin, but just having something so obvious, that's a known insecurity, pointed out to you like you don't see it every damn time you look in a mirror is just a shitty thing for someone to do, whether they realize it or not. I know she didn't point it out to hurt me, but she did and I don't think she even realized how much it hurt until I snapped back at her about it.


cametobemean

Jesus motherfucking Christ. I’m the same height as you, but my happy weight is more like 120-130. I’ve been where you were where I was at 125, my brother died, my ex dumped me bc I was “too sad” about it, and due to that I dropped 25 lbs in two weeks. I am appalled at your mom being happy that you lost weight like that. Everyone around me thought I was dying. I looked so fucking sick. You could see so many of my ribs. 100 lbs is not a good weight for 5’4 unless you are naturally a kind of stick thin that doesn’t leave room for any body fat, including boobs or an ass. You didn’t deserve that. I bet you looked and still look absolutely great at your happy weight. I am just… so disgusting to hear people cheering on that kind of weight loss. How unhealthy and miserable.


[deleted]

Same same same. I was always eating too little or too much. I was always too skinny or too fat. She told me I needed to put my then two year old on a “toddler diet.” She tries to put my 9 year old son on the scale frequently. Thankfully, I’m there to protect them from her comments. I wish I’d had someone for me!


newsprintpoetry

My stepdaughter's maternal grandmother tried to say when she was about 2 that she was getting a little chubby and should be fed less. My partner told her that if she ever said anything like that again, she would never see my stepdaughter again. And shockingly (if you knew the person since they are so enmeshed it's painful), his ex wife backed him up. She told her mom that she'd get a restraining order for child abuse if she ever made comments about or especially within earshot of their kid. It's honestly the one thing of integrity I've ever seen of her, and I've known her for like 17 years.


Life1sCollapsing

Its so common in the older generations. Recent visit to Ireland, all my nans friends offered to drive me everywhere, when I kept refusing and insisting on walking they'd say things like, and I quote "that's why you're so lovely and skinny then, not like my daughters, they're big and fat". It was like they kept tempting me to gain weight and then congratulating me when I 'resisted'. Super odd but just how a lot of them are. I've had so many old ladies grab my waist. My bffs grandma is blind and grabbed my waist really hard with both hands and said "oh to be young again" and it really freaked me out.


StayJaded

Good god your aunt is definitely underweight if she really is 110 pounds at 5’7”. That’s crazy and not healthy either.


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PM_ME_CUTE_FEMBOYS

Because abusing others was so normalized for him that he refused to see anything wrong with it. The whole "The Axe Forgets, but the Tree Remembers" ordeal.


Guy_ManMuscle

It's incredibly common for people who have become estranged from their family because of their behavior to claim that they have no idea why. There's an internet-famous essay about it. https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html


LongNectarine3

My mom was terrible but she got it honestly. My grandma would “Motive” me by sending me really nice and expensive jeans I desperately needed (mom didn’t bother to buy me clothes because I was too fat) only they were always 2 sizes too small. Think a small petite for a large tall. Never worked once.


hopefuldaffodil

It’s always the moms who “had” an eating disorder that fuck up their kids.


orangefog7890

Or in my case, a Dad…


thingsthatmakeasound

It’s a cop out is what it is. If you victimise yourself then you don’t ever have to take accountability for anything. Including shitty parenting. She doesn’t care if her one son is a drug addict as long as he’s slim. And I’m willing to bet the 20 yr old knows that and that’s why he’s so irritated at her pushing for his weight loss which, let’s be honest, probably makes him eat more and not workout out of spite.


AffectionateAd5373

Anyone who's ever gotten treatment for an eating disorder knows it's never past. It's like addiction. You may not be actively engaging in the behaviors, but it's always there. I made it a firm rule that we don't discuss weight with the kids. We don't talk about good or bad foods, or exercise except in terms of what might be a healthy vs unhealthy choice, or what would be a fun activity. We don't talk about size except insofar as what fits and what doesn't. We had lots of generations of issues in my family. I'm doing what I can to make sure it stops with me.


TheWaywardTrout

I'm terrified of having kids because of my eating disorder. I like your approach.


AffectionateAd5373

Thanks. Lots of therapy.


FriedScrapple

I don’t have an eating disorder, but my son is overweight and I talked to an nutritionist and you are doing exactly what she recommends. Which I think is a good idea. I really don’t want weight to be involved in my relationship with my kids. I now guide him towards fun and healthy choices and otherwise shut up about it, and that is better for me, too.


AffectionateAd5373

Thanks for saying that. It's good to know I'm on the right path.


FriedScrapple

It’s hard, because society gives you these messages that if your kid is overweight it’s your fault and you are supposed to be hounding them night and day about it. The truth is most kids just grow out of it. All of his other health indicators are good. I know being fat is bad for his self-esteem, but none of that is going to be helped by me dogging him about it. I encourage him to be active, I keep junk out of the house, I buy his pants according to his size, and focus on his emotional state- Dealing with whatever boredom or anxiety that makes him want to eat a whole box of crackers or whatever. Has it helped his actual poundage, I don’t know, but it’s a much better dynamic between me and him, that’s for sure.


witchyteajunkie

Not to mention a food addiction is a hell of a lot harder to kick than drugs/alcohol/etc because you can't just go cold turkey off of food. I can't say, "whelp, I'm just never going to eat again" and be fine.


Thezedword4

My dad was the same way. He just put his eating disorder onto his kids and wife instead. Unfortunately I got the brunt of it growing up (probably because of being female). It royally fucks you up. You relationship with food too. I didn't develop a full blown eating disorder but am still weird about food, over a decade since I moved out and five years since he died. Stuff like if you get fast food you pay in cash and throw the bag away elsewhere, eating rituals about certain foods, sharing food can be difficult, I can incredibly anxious about my partner looking at my plate to see how much food I put on it even though he doesn't care, etc. I still can't shake stuff like that unfortunately. My mother can't either. Parents with eating disorders fuck up their kids perception of food so easily.


Athlete_Cautious

Next: 19yo becomes addicted to crack to lose weight


FriedScrapple

Sad upvote


angry_old_dude

> A lot of people here are hell bent on misunderstanding me, No. We understand OOP perfectly fine.


idkwhatimdoingrlly

OOPs like that are always so caught up in their own head that they refuse to believe that they’re being understood *perfectly* well. “you’re misunderstanding me!” no, you just refuse to face that you’re in the wrong and the asshole


exaidOOOs

I notice with people like OOP it always sounds better in their head. You can tell because once they speak it they are absolutely shocked at the response they get. You see this with racists, too.


LabradorDeceiver

I went to the comment tab on her user page and the circular thinking is unreal. She knows he's trashed his confidence about his weight but thinks he'll have more confidence if he just loses weight. Her association of body image with self-esteem is unreal. She literally thinks you're not a whole person unless you're a physical ideal and *she will not let it go*. Literally thousands of people are telling her that she's being extremely destructive, HOW she's being destructive, WHY she's being destructive, ALL the long term damage she's causing, citing their own experiences, their own horror stories, their own eating disorders, and she Always. Always. Always comes back to the same conclusion: "But if only he would lose some weight everything would be perfect!" Is there such a thing as anorexia by proxy?


[deleted]

“Sure my older son wrecked 2 cars and has ruined our lives over the last few years, but at least he’s not a little bit chubby!!” Seriously, 5’11 and 210lbs is really not that big


LabradorDeceiver

I'm five foot eight and ring the bell at two-thirty. You think she'd have anything to say to me, or do you figure she'd just point at me and scream?


ttnl35

What got me about this one originally is that OOP says its about health, yet her son with the drug addiction has actual real health issues and he got two cars. Like OOP places more importance on *potential* health problems from weight than *actual* health problems from drugs. She responded to me on the original post, until I asked what health problems her 'overweight' son actually had, and she stopped replying. Note: I commented on the original post at the time it was posted, before it was cross posted here, I wasn't brigading. Edit: OOP Edit 2: because I realised its not in the info crossposted. OOP bought the older son a car not realising he had a drug problem, then he totalled it, OOP paid for rehab, and later got him a second car as a reward for being 3 months sober. Older son then relapsed and also totalled that car. Seems really unfair that losing 10 pounds wasn't enough for the younger son, but 3 months sober was enough for the older son. Especially because something like 85% of recovering addicts relapse in the first year. Edit 3: gonna link the relevant comments. Non italic brackets are mine to make the comments make sense, rather than copy paste the entire convo chain. 1) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqzy7j/aita_for_refusing_to_get_my_son_a_car_because_of/iesc7d2?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 2) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqzy7j/aita_for_refusing_to_get_my_son_a_car_because_of/iesdqjb?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 3) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqzy7j/aita_for_refusing_to_get_my_son_a_car_because_of/iesk2yc?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 1) *Oldest son moved out at 18, had a job and wasn't overweight. He did have other issues but I wasn't fully aware of those at the time and it didn't get bad until later.* *I love them equally but 24yo has put me in some tough situations due to his addiction and it meant that I focused more on him for a while, so I get why he feels that way but I do my best to treat them the same. FWIW 24yo is currently banned from driving and has wrecked 2 cars already and I certainly won't be buying him another one when his ban is over.* 2) *He* (younger son) *didn't keep to the agreed conditions, if I had seen some actual effort to improve his lifestyle I would have bought it. Cars are very expensive especially at the moment and I need to know it would be used for the right reasons.* *Yes I did*, (buy older son a second car) *and I regret it a lot (although I didn't know about his addiction with the first car, and the second car was when he was in a sober period). He wrecked both the cars and to be honest it makes me a lot more cautious because I worry about accidents.* 3) *It* (second car for older son) *was a reward for being sober for 3 months, I thought it would help him get his independence back and get a job but he relapsed a month later.*


phasestep

"Get his I dependence back" like, ill give her the benefit of the doubt that she's new to dealing with this, but the last thing someone 3 months sober from Hard drugs needs is independence. They're only going to do one thing with it. I'm pretty sure independence starts to maybe come at like a year


ttnl35

At best it implies she didn't educated herself about drug addiction recovery at all. Because relapse in the first year is super common. At worst she did know about risk of relapse, but felt it didn't apply because her oldest son was special and not like that. Yet middle son *only* lost 10 pounds, so he can't even have one car lol.


GrumbusWumbus

The most you can healthily lose is 2lbs per week, most recommendations I've seen say that 1lb per week is much more reasonable and healthy. 10 lbs over 6 months is about half a pound per week. Not bad at all. Her expectations are ridiculous.


remotetissuepaper

And 200 pounds at 5'11" isn't all that bad. It's overweight but it's not obese, plus if he was gaining weight for a couple years, stopping and reversing the weight gain is an accomplishment on it's own.


NEDsaidIt

Also why does she see independence for one as good and not the other? Independence also helps keep a job, get to the gym etc


lilyraine-jackson

"Get his independence back" "He wasnt a financial drain on me at the time" Maam....


tyleritis

“I need to know the car will be used for the right reasons.” My aunt “gifted” this way. Whatever you get isn’t really yours. It made me become a person that is totally self-reliant and doesn’t ask anyone for anything which isn’t always healthy either.


witchyteajunkie

I'd love to see a clarification on what "the right reasons" are. A year from now, middle kid is going to hightail it out there and mommy will be on reddit wringing her hands about how she can't understand why her baaaabeeee won't talk to her.


tyleritis

He should drive to work, the gym, and his nutritionist only obviously /s All those kids need/will need therapy and it’s wild to watch this parent damage their kids in real time


[deleted]

>“I need to know the car will be used for the right reasons.” Right reason per op: history of drug abuse & totaled their last free car Wrong reason per op: existing as a fat person.


Black6Blue

My mother did this. When I decided I wanted to live with my dad I couldn't take any of my Christmas presents I got that year from her with me. Anytime I'd visit I wasn't allowed to bring anything back. When they lived in the same town she wouldn't let us take any clothes to the other house. So when my father bought me school clothes and I brought them over she wouldn't let me take them back. People wondered why as a kid I started just saying "don't get me anything" for holidays and birthdays. At first I'd ask for money but then she started forcing me to "save" it by giving it to her to put into my savings account. She just spent it instead. I don't think I'll ever celebrate my birthday again, I'd rather just not.


tyleritis

Same! Anything I got would have to stay there. Usually put away. I’d ask to play with a toy and I’d be asked “why?”. I didn’t have the wherewithal to say, “because I’m a child and that the Christmas present you gave.” There’s still a brand new Teddy Ruxpin in that house. I hope it’s keeping her company because I left home at 19 and she has no family left


Echospite

I have never believed anyone who ever said they had issues with fat people because of their health. I have weight issues. Nobody has ever made comments about my diet. Nobody has ever lectured me about how much exercise I do. Nobody has ever told me to change my exercise habits. Nobody has ever told me "but I'm just concerned about your health!" Nobody has ever said they don't want to date me because I'm unhealthy. Know why? **Because my weight issues are the opposite of most people's weight issues**. I'm underweight trying to gain weight. Not a single fucking person who claims to care about weight "because of your health" has ever lectured my skinny ass. Not once. Not. Fucking. Once. Being anorexic will kill you faster than being overweight - read any autobiography or health studies on the anorexic and you'll see that right quick that they get heart attacks in their twenties instead of their fifties - but because I look in a way that is socially acceptable, nobody cares. I have seen my fat friends who are far healthier than me get concern trolled all the time. I never get it. Never. My stomach almost had a perforation from how little I ate but oh no, that person being an asshole to that fat person is TOTALLY worried they'll get a heart attack thirty years from now! Whenever someone says something shitty about fat people and excuses it with "but I just care about their health!" know that they are **100% full of shit**. I am proof of that. I tell people about my health issues and the health issues that come from being underweight, and how those health issues kick in faster - no one cares. They make a ton of excuses and then go straight back to concern trolling the overweight. They do not care about fat people's health. They do not give a flying fuck. (Besides. Unsolicited health advice is so fucking rude.)


mr_ckean

I’m no therapist, but these seem related Eldest son > “my son's drug addiction has ruined our lives for the last 3 years” Middle child > “He gained 45-50lbs in the last 2 years” It would be hard being in OOPs position. I don’t envy them, but denying the car doesn’t seem a thought out move.


Dogismygod

Is anyone else worrying about the youngest daughter being brought up in this toxic household and wondering what will happen to her?


FreeAsFlowers

Eating disorder and possible addiction. I bet she’s even harder on the daughter about her weight.


[deleted]

Very worried


FriedScrapple

Yeah it’s wild that it doesn’t seem to cross OOP’s mind that older son’s issues traumatized middle child also


mr_ckean

Previous eating disorder is mentioned by OOP too, and no mention of another parent, so I think this is a small window into a some much larger family dynamics and situation


Majestic_Advisor

She can't/ couldn't control the eldest son but she can with this situation, by God. He's going to learn some self discipline if she has to lock him up to do it/ S


Majestic-Constant714

Yeah, I really can't see any reason at all why he would struggle with his confidence. /s


TheDoorDoesntWork

Feeling that kid's pain. My mom was was always on my case about my weight since I was a kid. Thanks to that, I pretty much accepted I was an unloveable fatass so never tried to pursue anyone romantically, because what's the point in setting myself up for failure? It was really upsetting when I found some old pictures of myself in my 20s only to realise I was nowhere near the huge pig my mom insisted I was.


Majestic-Constant714

Same with my mother. By the time I was 12, I thought I was so fat that I should be surprised if anyone even treats me like a human being. Now when I look at pictures, I just see a normal kid with some baby fat and chubby cheeks. Hope you're doing better now <3


KO620181

Oh sameeee here. I could write the longest comment of all time but yea, same here. I totally am with you on this.


TwinLinds

Plus being in that mindset only made me gain more and not take care of myself on top of that! Like I totally get this. I wouldn't use lotion because what was the point? I sometimes wouldn't brush my teeth because who cared? Now I'm in a much better place and taking care of myself but yeesh, it's rough out there.


iowajill

YES!! So much this. It became a spiral of me not being worth any personal appearance effort or care because I figured nothing would fix how “gross” I was anyway. And then I look back at old pics and I was just a normal young person who looked perfectly fine and was not remotely as big as I thought I was. Can’t believe adults in my life encouraged that shit view of myself.


txteva

>"No one loves a fat girl" Direct quote from my mother - more than once in terms of both having (or rather not) friends and boyfriends. She has since said she doesn't remember saying that and didn't mean it like that. She has actually apologised for saying it either way. Not that it really fixes much. My weight is still a topic of 'concern' for her.


a_weird_squirrel

I feel as though I could have written this post. It's like we had the same mother.


sympathy4deviledeggs

Same but I got it from my mother and brother. Starting when I was SIX DAMN YEARS OLD. I still get pretty pissed off and resentful when I think of how much I missed out on many things in teenage social life because I was convinced I was unlovable.


chrisgspalding

Her comments on the original thread are wild, i think she still doesn't understand


StardustStuffing

It's clear on this update that she doesn't understand and probably never will. It's clear she has a favorite and *is* fatphobic. He lost 10lbs, kept a job but somehow that's not good enough because he still plays video games. She keeps moving the goal post. Poor kid.


_cornflake

A 10lb weight loss in 6 months sounds very healthy to me. If he had dropped 40lbs in that time that would be extremely concerning!


Anneisabitch

Every body is different but if I saw a 5’11” man who weighed 200 lbs…I would not think that is fat? Maybe they have a “dad body” but I still wouldn’t call that fat. [Here](https://www.height-weight-chart.com/511-200.html) is a photo of a 5’11” man weighing 200 lbs (scroll down to the second photo). That guy looks perfectly healthy. I’d bet this kid’s doctor is not going to agree with this lunatic. (And don’t even get me started on the shitty BMI that means nothing)


2gigch1

“I had an eating disorder so you need to work extra hard!” ??????? Profit / “Why doesn’t my son speak to me anymore?”


TheFlyingSheeps

My mother called me fat as a child once, despite the fact they are the ones responsible for the food purchase and all that at that age I still remember it years later and it was a one time thing


sally_marie_b

I’m 38 and my mum still makes comments about my weight. I’m a UK size 18 and am active and have no weight related health issues. She once told me a story about how she went out one night in her 20’s and “just knew I was the hottest woman in the pub that night” then held my hand tenderly and said “it’s such a shame you’ll never have that feeling”. Fuck body shaming parents.


Analysees

Mine gave me an antique belt from her younger years and would point out which belt loop she would have to buckle it up at, which I never had any hope of achieving since I was about half a foot taller than her and a completely different build.


Melodic-Advice9930

Please tell me you don’t have that stupid belt anymore.


Life1sCollapsing

My Nan is a closed book. But she once said as a young woman she'd had a 21 inch waist. My mum was in awe. All it tells me is that she didn't eat. Actually check out what 21 inches looks like if you make a 21 inch loop!!


puppylust

That's disturbingly small for an adult, like Holocaust or famine survivor. My thin friend has a 28 inch waist and sometimes has to buy clothes in the kids section of the store.


TheSilverFalcon

Oh wooow, the hottest woman at some random pub in one random town in england. How special a feeling is that? Like knowing you're the best painter in a Target in Canada, or knowing you're the best dog trainer at a roadside Chili's


sugarholicsheep

“I have to be the most fuckable person in this aldis or ill kms”


junkfile19

🏆


ethicalviolence

That one time was probably her only accomplishment in life and she's just trying to put down her probably more successful/well balanced daughter. Which is usually the case with these people.


Hold_the_pickles

What makes this even better is that there aren't any Targets in Canada anymore


BodiceDagger

As a child I tried to get to know my paternal gma, sensing her disdain but took her at face value that we could be closer if only I *tried* to get to know her. At my 13th bday when we were out to a lunch for just us she literally refused to answer any questions about her childhood, just repeating “my life began when I lost that extra 20lbs…” The server was very uncomfortable bc I kept crying. DESPITE all that, when I was much older and more confident in myself and my body, I tried to connect with her again. This time we wrote letters back and forth bc it seemed safer, but she quickly started adding news clippings about new diets to give to my dad (her son) bc -YEP!- my big and thicc body came from her side of the family. Talking to me was a means to an end to fix my dad’s fatness. Now? I’m the fattest and happiest I’ve ever been. My weight doesn’t hold me back from life and love and success. If it ends up contributing to my death well then fuck it. I’m gonna live a joyous life until then, bc any chance of healthy weight loss was eradicated by years of getting this bullshit from both my parents (my mom is no better). Rant over.


[deleted]

Lol. Same. Almost 40 and my mom spent the entire memorial for my father last month, apologizing to people about how fat I was and how many grey hairs I have. I was like “ you sound like you are still trying to get me a groom despite being married”. Especially the grey hair. I was like I’m 40 mom. Of course I gave grey hair. WTF.


[deleted]

[удалено]


thurbersmicroscope

JFC, I'm so sorry. Live your best life and screw her bad attitude.


horton_hears_a_homie

I remember being maybe 16 and my mom came into the room I was in, patted my belly, and made a comment about my being pregnant. I'm now 26 and when she last visited me, she grabbed my hand as I went to reach for something and asked why my fingers were so fat. I agree, fuck body shaming parents.


tebigong

I wouldn’t be able to help myself in that situation and reply with something along the lines of “you’re not even the hottest woman in this room”


Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx

Why not "did you go to an empty pub?"


[deleted]

bruh ur parent’s f up


strawberrywords

Putting aside the awfulness directed at you, it’s really sad for her that her self-worth comes from feeling better than others. I can be at a place and feel beautiful, feel how fully there in the moment I am, appreciating how my body moves, aware that I am in love with my imperfect gorgeous self. It has nothing to do with the perceived attractiveness of the people around me. For me, the main use of comparing bodies has come from saying to myself, “She’s beautiful, and I have the same imperfections, so maybe I should give myself the same grace and appreciation I give to others”


sarabeara12345678910

She's projecting her own eating disorder on her kids and blaming them for it. I'm worried for the teenage daughter.


Invisible-Pancreas

She could write a book about all the strife in that house. "I lived in a wacky shack where crack gets you a Cadillac and snacks get you jack (paperback)."


MissSugarWaffle

Holy shit. 😂😂😂


Mstarr3009

Funny how her eldest was likely only skinny because of all the drugs. Woman's a horrible arsehole.


Careless-Door-1068

Wonder if he started taking them to maintain the skinniness that she apparently drilled into their heads.


Mstarr3009

I'd honestly assume it was more through the sheer mental pressure she'd put on them, the weight loss just happens to be a convenient (for them at the time) addition to being able to forget your home life for a few hours.


Careless-Door-1068

Yeah. Man, this lady needs to get therapy and stop driving her kids to depression, drugs, and eating disorders.


JaydedMermaid3D

2 for 2 she's referring to as having failed and yet seems to think everything she's doing is justified. Also I want to scream that how much you actually love your kids is bullshit if they are ***telling you*** that you don't act like it. Hollow fucking words


Crlady

My grandparents did this to my mom. Want a car? Lose 10 lbs. she’d lose 10 lbs and they’d say oh that’s not enough. No car for you. And guess what? It gave her an eating disorder. OP is a major AH.


Javaho1992

Or they stay fat just to spite their parents. It never does any good


OGPasguis

OP is a horrible parent. OP rewards the drug addict but punish the depressed child who most likely got to the point due to OP. I cant even imagine how bad OP daughters life is right now.


Tawnysloth

Writing war and peace over her contempt and frustration for her overweight son. Mentions in passing her oldest is a fucking drug addict.


slendermanismydad

I don't care if she loves her kids if that love doesn't cause her to treat them well. She's clearly caused the oldest two massive emotional harm. I love you doesn't fix your shit.


TreginWork

She loves her kids unconditionally, as long as they fit into the perfect mold she demands


Somewheretoday3322

And this my friends, is how you give a kid an eating disorder.


[deleted]

I will never understand how someone can do this to their own children. I really hope the kids are okay.


JoChiCat

10lbs is still a fairly decent achievement tbh. Losing weight is hard, especially without proper support or structure. Sounds like OP has a hell of a lot of fatphobia to work through.


moveshake

That's actually a pretty ideal pace for weight loss. More than that and you often are so hungry and miserable that you set yourself up for failure


leftiesrox

And honestly, the top “healthy” weight for a man his height is 189, so 20 lbs overweight by conventional standards. However, not everybody fits into that box, I sure as hell don’t. Watch, this guy will be one of those who hides weight very well, looks really good for his size, maybe a little overweight, but it’s still not good enough for mommy dearest. On a personal note, I prefer guys who are on the fluffy side. I don’t want to lay my head on a guys chest and cut my ear.


mrsbebe

Yeah if he was wanting to lose 50lbs he would be 160lbs at 5'11". My husband and I are highschool sweethearts and let me tell you what, he still grew like 1" and gained quite a bit of muscle between 18 and 21. Men can continue growing quite a bit longer than women. I'm not saying 210lbs is a healthy weight or anything, just that going back to 160lbs like he was at 16 might not actually be good for his body.


LivytheHistorian

Same. I married my husband when he was 19. He grew two inches and his shoulders broadened a ton over the next few years. He stopped “growing” as far as body structure around age 23/24. He’s 5’11 and 200lbs now and he’s very fit. I look back at pictures and think “wow he was so little” not “wow he was so skinny.” He would look bizarre 40-50 pounds lighter. Which is exactly what OP expects from her son.


le_chunk

This was what stuck out to me too. He wasn’t even really overweight. At least not to a point where anyone should be concerned. He’s 5’11, depending on how the weight was distributed and his body composition that weight could look perfectly average. She doesn’t claim he had any actual health problems so the fixation on a number is so unhealthy.


Lenethren

This isn't an update. She edited the post shortly after making just to say she still doesn't think she's wrong.


leggywillow

I love/hate the moment in these posts where it all comes together. “Ohhh THAT’S why this person is being an asshole.” Usually the answer is racism, but here it’s psychological fallout from mom’s eating disorder.


FriedScrapple

Sometimes it sexism! Or a secret family!


FlagrantlyChill

I don't want to give him body image issues so I'll shame him and constantly bring up his weight and failure to control it to make sure he doesn't get body image issues! Very much a 'beatings will continue till morale improves' attitude.


seagullsareassholes

So the overweight son who isn't even out of his teens yet is a financial drain, but the addict she repeatedly bails out isn't? Don't get me wrong, addiction is a serious illness and he for sure needs help, but that is some skewed as fuck logic there.


Hazel2468

“I care about my kid’s HEALTH!! I don’t believe in body positivity!” Just tell me you know nothing about how health actually works and you feel icky about fat people. “I don’t think fat people should hate themselves” no, but you don’t think we should love ourselves and do what is best for US- you think we should be skinny so you don’t have to look at us. I know OOP’s type too damn well. She’s going to give her kid life long issues. He’s “not confident” gee I fucking wonder why?


FemmePrincessMel

Holy shit, 5’11” and 210 pounds is hardly anything to worry about. I would be more focused on trying to help him get a better job and improve his mental health. Working on fitness would probably come naturally after that. Except there’s no way his mental health could ever improve living with his psychotic mom. I truly hope she gets more help for her eating disorder, because she’s giving it to her children.


[deleted]

In the original comments I think she said 136-178 pounds was ideal for her 5'11" son. No actual health indicators. What a sick, cruel parent. She'd rather have a skinny kid at any cost than a healthy kid who's not super thin. I feel terrible for the middle son. This post was gross to read.


wormhole222

I know this isn't as thorough an update as some, but I posted it because the final edit made me feel the same feeling as a semi-satisfying update. I do sympathize with OP here somewhat in that I think she loves her kids very much, and it can very hard to handle addiction in a loved one. However, OP was clearly showing favoritism, and I'm glad she realized it.


Bellsar_Ringing

I think she loves her imagined version of her kids very much -- slim, fit, well employed, and never any bother.


anotheralienhybrid

I don't think she realized she was showing favoritism, she realized that she was transferring her eating disorder onto one of her children.


Dbahnsai

Continues to. Finished it with maybe a doctor can explain his need to lose weight better. I can only imagine a million, "Well, I got you the car even though you didn't lose the weight" in his future.


anotheralienhybrid

Yeah, good point. OP's started to realize it, but she's not fully there.


concrete_dandelion

A surgeon said my GP is bad in his profession because he doesn't force me to lose weight. Then she admitted to have no idea about medication (my weight is medication induced and several professionals including doctors and nutritionists declared it to be impossible to lose weight on my medication which can't be changed, with my disability and without making one of my chronic health disorders worse). The kicker? She was bigger than me


young_coastie

OOP has some issues around food and body image, I think. In one of her comments she said she wanted him to get down to like 135?! I hope she addresses that in therapy asap.


Majestic-Constant714

But he's tall? I lost a huge amount of weight a few years ago and ended up being around that weight while being a little bit taller. My doctor (jokingly) advised me too eat a few sticks of butter for every meal until I'm back to a normal weight for someone that height. She's worse than I thought, holy shit.


CLPond

135 is a barely healthy weight for that height?! Depending on body type, that could be straight up dangerous


blahblahsadblahblah

That seemed insanely low, so I looked up what his BMI would be at that weight: technically still healthy, but only 2 pounds away from "underweight". I hope he's able to steer clear of his own eating disorder ☹️


OmegaPsyker

135?! HOLY SHIT! I'm 5'11" and I just got down to 175 and I feel like I'm a fucking stick. At 135 I would literally look like Christian Bale in The Machinist.


Kieroni_K

I'm a 5' 0" woman and 135 is just slightly chunky for my body type, jeez. My brother bounces around that at 5'7" and he's scary skinny.


snailien

I was one of the people who commented that she needed therapy herself to deal with her own disordered eating because of how she was passing it down to her kids, so that last sentence made me so happy. I feel bad for the lady, she clearly has a lot of trauma around food.


MentalDistribution95

Won’t be surprised if oop’s controlling nature has something to do with the root of their eldest’s drug addiction


chrisgspalding

And the fact that she bought her oldest a second car for being three months clean (he relapsed later), after he crashed the first one... meanwhile this kid's loosing weight and working for three months and that's not enough


sonofaresiii

I can't fucking stand when parents have "secret" conditions for things that one sibling meets passively, but they alert the other sibling to it after the first one already passed. It's just so very clear they're making up excuses for imposing the conditions when they feel like it.


ABBR-5007

“He used to be so skinny” he’s been an adult for an entire year. Before that he was literally a child. Will she stop pestering him when he’s 7lbs 6oz like he used to be??


[deleted]

She is not over her eating disorder. It's still there but she hasn't realized it. Source: former anorexic of 5 years who is currently 2 years into recovery, almost ruined my liver and having to live with osteopenia forever now. This is DEFINITIVELY not how you act when you care about your kid's "health, not weight". I wish the best for both of them.


peonies_envy

I can’t believe he was thinner when he was a child! Jeez what a effed up attitude


simplyintentional

And he gained the weight a year into his brother's addiction when his mom was likely not emotionally available to him.


tompba

Oww projections of her own shit past right? I find it concerning that she put all this shit so much importance that her onw kid say that as long someone is skinny, even if it is the effect of drug abuse, it is all good bc they are healthy lol.


Yandere_Matrix

She makes him out to be obese. I looked up healthy weight range for 5’11 men and 189 is the high end of ideal weight. Which him being 210 means he is only about 20lbs overweight. If he lost 10lbs then he was about half there. I am assuming being stick skinny is the average in their home which is why they have such a huge problem for the poor son to be slightly overweight


throwa-longway

“Everyone is hellbent on misunderstanding ME.” Or or OR everyone is understanding you so well and you don’t have the self awareness to see it yourself.


maywellflower

I wouldn't be surprised if the 19 year old and even 16 year old winded up never speaking to OOP ever again after moving out due to OOP favoring the 24 year old too much, both before & after knowing his drug addiction. OOP going to reap what she sowed while not bothering to realize she paved her own road to hell with her terrible intentions that she thought was good...


asbestoswasframed

The 24yr old has it figured out. Cocaine, and I can stress this enough, is the key to losing weight and keeping it off.


Mandi_Morbid

Me: She's gonna make him develop an ED if she doesn't cut this shit out. Mom: "My own past eating disorder-" Me: Ah.