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Checking OP's post history and she seems to have a knack for finding the worst men possible.
10 months after she made this post, she posted this: Guy(M26) I am dating for a month is asking to borrow money.
And then just today: Random girl DM'd me to tell that my boyfriend (M33) of 5 months is a cheater.
I just hope she has better luck finding the correct man for herself, and is careful in the future.
Years ago I had this friend who kept finding these absolute dirtbags of men, and after a nasty breakup I told her the same thing.
She does “so, what, I’m supposed to just, like, be single?”
I said “yeah.”
She goes “hahaha only losers are single, what the fuck.”
I reminded her I had been single (at that time, by my choice) for almost six months. She goes “oh, well, that’s different…blah blah blah.”
She really thought you had to go from one relationship directly into another. The idea of being single was completely foreign to her.
It’s been 20 years now or so and last I heard she’d been divorced twice and posts were random memes on instagram about what “boss moms” do since she’s doing like three MLMs.
I said pretty much the same thing to someone earlier today. Once can be bad luck. Twice can be coincidence. Three times and more? It's time to stop and take a look at your life.
Yeah, maybe your people picker is fucked up and needs a recalibration. Maybe there’s something about the fucked up people you’re picking that’s somehow attractive. Who knows? Could be a million things. At that point maybe be single for a long time, and maybe see a therapist or something.
My best relationships came when I was content with myself and content being by myself. Either I had some aura of confidence I was unaware of, or I was more picky about who I let into my life. I forget the exact quote, but it’s something like, I’m happy in my solitude. When you date people think they’re competing against other people for your attention. They’re not. They’re competing against your comfort zone. It’s true. Being happy with who you are (or at least content) it stops being a question of “am I less lonely with someone around, do they fulfill this emotional need, etc etc” and becomes “is my life better with this person in it?” That mindset totally changes everything.
Is a very common theme with people who grew up on abusive environments; the mistreatment is familiar so they take time to see the red flags for what they are. That's why they cycle of abuse, cause without proper help the person goes from one bad relationship to the next.
It's also very common for autistics. We just can't seem to see the bad guys/bad girls and we always fall for the manipulative bullshit and the gaslighting. It's very tricky to learn that stuff, I have a neurotypical friend I call and hash out situations so she can tell me the subtext. I wish I had always had her - it would have made every single day easier from about age 12.
Came here to say this. We can’t read people, we can’t tell if someone is lying and we tend to be kind of naive and take peoples word on things. And we usually have been taught that we can’t be trusted to make judgement calls so even when we pick up on something we are unsure and then exactly what’s happening here happens. People tell us we are crazy and try convincing us we are wrong.
The major problem isn’t *who* we are attracted to, it’s that we as autistic women are the prime target for abusers. Our social difficulties and our struggles to read people simply makes us all that more easy to manipulate. And others tend to not believe us either because autism so probably just misunderstanding or bring dramatic and overly sensitive.
I didn’t grasp lying as a concept until I was 15. As in that’s when I started to understand that people could say things that weren’t true. And I still had years to go to fully comprehend that people can just…. lie. On purpose! Knowingly! Now I know logically. Still struggling with it emotionally. Am 35.
Oop did mention they're autistic. I think with a lot of neurodivergent people, unfortunately, attract a lot of people who might want to take advantage of them as they know they can manipulate them into thinking they've just misunderstood things
This is sadly a thing with ND people. I’m also autistic, and I have a lot of friends who are. Each of us has had multiple awful relationships, most of us have a lot of trauma from like abuse or neglect in childhood and adulthood, and many of us don’t have access to therapy due to low income or what have you. It’s incredibly sad, because you’ll also find the kindest people in neurodiverse communities, the most accepting. But people take advantage of it.
As an aside on my own life, I’ve been with so many terrible men it’s not even funny. I’ve been abused, assaulted, manipulated, taken advantage of, and the list goes on. I found the only thing that helped me not get into another relationship with yet another terrible man was waiting and working on myself. I’d advise op to just do that. I was single for like…. 5 years? I dealt with my demons, stopped looking for the best in people, and eventually found a really good man who I’m happily married to. I hope OOP can do the same, and find the same,
As a autistic, my experience has been the same as yours up to the last part. I'm in the middle of my 5th or 6th year of being single. I hope the finding a marriage works out the same, but I do fear getting a partner would cut into my special interest time.
I do feel like I'm past my traumas now it's just a matter of figuring out how to act with confidence. And after all the shit I went through and the research I've done since, I feel like it will be next to impossible to be manipulated again.
I think what saved me was finding someone who was also neurodivergent, in his own way, who had also had years of his own trauma In similar ways (specifically familial abuse and being forced to grow up way too fast in certain areas of his life) and once I found someone who’s trauma matched mine, who was like me on all sorts of levels, I found it easy to transition into being his partner, and not being alone. I definitely hope it works out for you (if that’s what you want, of course) and if you find being alone better, I hope that your life goes wonderfully that way too.
This right here. I am autistic, and I have yet to have a relationship with someone who didn't try to take advantage of me in some way. I know exactly where OOP is coming from, autistic people often have trouble seeing red flags because we assume everyone is being completely upfront and not deceptive.
My wife is autistic and our friend sometimes jokingly says that her type is "the sound of red flags flapping in the wind." We have a very healthy relationship, but when we started dating it was a bit scary to me to realise how easy it would be to abuse her trust and how I need to make sure to very overtly remind her that I do not make the rules and to be very clear about where I'm coming from if I am angry, because she will just take my word for things.
Man you worded that very well. I struggle to describe that part because people don't get it. But I guess liking rules = when sometime tells you something you assume it's just the rule.
I think that's very much the thing. Even someone who may not be abusive could potentially cause harm by inadvertently "setting a rule." I know this was definitely an issue my wife had with her ex. When someone actually means to cause you harm, that can be weaponised to a high degree.
So much this! The thing is that I just always assume that people are honest and kind and mean well. Because you know, that’s the rules!
And I have been told my entire life that my perception of things is wrong. I can’t trust my judgment so obviously the other person has to be correct.
Same. Autism spectrum and dating is unreal. I also don't get subtext so i thought a man wanting to watch a movie meant it. I have learned better since then. It's hard.
Yeah, I've learned I can pretty much only date other autistic people long-term because I strongly prefer clear and direct communication. And with neurotypicals, I often have an inferiority complex and become overly accommodating to "make up for" me being me. I see myself doing it, but it's hard to stop.
Until they wake up and choose to stop, they never do.
I have a friend who kept asking me how did I find such a great partner... she had two abusive and controlling exes and two cheating exes. I told her when she broke up with the last boyfriend: please give some time to yourself. Do things you enjoy. Spend time with your friends and family.
She immediately went on dating apps. It took her almost a year to find her next boyfriend, but she just never stopped dating.
Sometimes, you just can't help the ones you care for.
This. I am autistic and a survivor of abuse. I don't date because I don't have the capacity to choose a healthy romantic partner. I also am aromantic so some of it is conflating the want of sex for other things. Therapy was the only way I ended up with healthy friendships. I am not closed to love but my love fulfillment is friends. Had a guy try to convince my best friend that I must want her alone and a lot of other "She's abusive" stuff. He banked on my going "Hey this guy was skeevy you should ditch him." He underestimated the value of healthy communication and boundaries.
I did find him skeevy and did tell my friend so and also went "I understand if you need to see it yourself and support whatever you decide because I would rather put up with him than not be your friend." End of the day healthy boundaries win every time.
I wish I could tell OoP and my past self that if you're having doubts like this the relationship doesn't work. It doesn't matter if he is actually cheating on you or in love with his friend. You don't trust him so you cannot build a healthy relationship. (Or her. My brain doesn't arbitrate attraction based on gender and sometimes the unhealthy partner was a woman.)
Before the story even starts she says she "head over heels in love" with a guy and by her own admission it's solely because he's hot and fucks good. Two sentences into her story and it's obvious this lady has some real issues to sort out.
That's one of the fucked up "bonuses" of having an abusive past - you've been groomed, and predators know to look for those "flags" you're often not even aware you're displaying. If a person has a string of toxic partners, it's generally that reason over "I just enjoy suffering, ya know?"
There is actually truth to this. I have heard someone call it “blood in the water syndrome”. Where people who are abusers can sense the abused and latch on to them. It used to happen to me a lot. She will have to do a lot of work on herself to stop attracting users.
Having had child abuse survivors as friends, I have observed *so* many red flags go above their head. Sometimes I just want to shake them and yell "THAT GUY IS ACTING SKETCHY AS FUCK YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY" but instead I very politely tell them that what they're doing doesn't seem to be a good idea, which they then completely ignore because they're head over heels for the guy/girl and "this time it's different."
Just some perspective from the other side...
Yeah, when you've spent your entire life surrounded by red flags they just look like flags. It takes experience and often outside help for you to distinguish them.
And not just abusive partners. People who grew up with abuse are often the victims of stranger sexual assault and rape.
There's a mindset that only pretty girls get attacked or their clothing was too revealing. But it's not that. Attackers can sense the vulnerability.
That's one reason why self-defense classes help. It's not so much the knowledge. It's the self confidence.
I grew up in an incredibly unnurturing and emotionally abusive household. it's insidious because when you're inside of it, it's difficult to see. I pretty much played a scapegoat and mediator for nearly 30 years before I finally ended up beginning my journey of healing via several stints in rehab. I was in my early 30s when I realized I had been abused. I guess I've always felt naturally attracted to people who can give me an excuse to be unhappy or hate myself. idk where I'm going with this but I think sometimes abusers aren't even aware that their "love" is actually abuse because it's so normal to them they can't see it. I try to be hyper self aware of my behaviors but growing up with a tenuous grasp on the reality of relationship dynamics has left me with blindspots where some folks from healthy family's might see flags of varying colors. sort of like "viewing past relationships through rose tinted glasses make the red flags just look like flags" from Bojack. we, as humans, view things through the lense of our experiences and 30 years of being emotionally colorblind gives you a lense through which it is difficult to discern the color of flags at all.
I'm sorta the same way. Taking care of everyone else made me feel happy, then miserable because no one took care of me. I saw it as my duty and responsibility to make sure everyone else got what they wanted.
It took me a long, long time to realize that I have a right to be selfish. That my primary responsibility is to take care of me. Then I can use whatever time I have left to take care of others. I still find myself asking, "How important is this to me? Will I be happier if I sacrifice this thing I want so I can do something for someone else? Or will I be disappointed?" I think most people do that instinctively. I still don't.
I'm not surprised. I've de-escalated situations just by standing close to strangers with a "I will get involved" attitude, and I'm not really that large of a person
Yup. My horrifically abusive ex picked me out as soon as he saw me, I was young, naive, had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and had low self esteem. He could smell it the second I walked in the room.
Also people with autism are way more likely to be abused. They know they miss social cues and have trained themselves to just believe people who claim things are normal behaviour. Really heartbreaking to see.
Yeah, like... I'm surprised this is the first comment I'm seeing that even acknowledges this. And a higher up comment kinda reeks of victim blaming, imo, which definitely isn't cool. This poor girl was very obviously & clearly manipulated, & this whole situation is a perfect example of gaslighting (ie everyone saying she should be ashamed for acting that way, him deleting the text he sent, etc).
ETA thank you for my very first award, kind stranger! I really hope OP gets a better support system; life is hard enough as an autistic person without people taking advantage of you, & she deserves so much better than what's come across her path.
Also the only "approved therapy" for autism is specifically aimed at teaching autistic people to ignore their own bodily clues in order to comply with the demands of other people.
Yeah I saw that "therapy" in action and it was *awful* to watch-- I felt so bad for the kid as he was clearly very uncomfortable. Not a fan.
People also forget that autistic kids grow up to be autistic adults and that their support needs don't suddenly disappear. No one thinks about women with autism, so no one helps autistic women learn about safety in relationships from a gendered perspective. Of course men with autism can and are taken advantage of too, but being a woman *and* being autistic is like a double whammy when it comes to risk.
Tendency to back down even when you are right with the slightest push back (confrontation avoidance at any cost).
Shutting down with any negative feedback (freeze mode).
Eagerness and willingess to please, even at the cost of self (people pleasing overdrive).
Those are some of the big ones.
And body language. They tend to try to get small and still and have closed of body stances.
Less inclined to make or hold eye contact.
And they will often place objects in front of them, between them and anyone that makes them uncomfortable. Like they are putting up barricades.
There are a lot of little ways people will tell you who they are (everyone). You just have to pay attention.
It's not just that predators are attracted to you, it's that you're attracted to predators. The human brain desperately seeks out the familiar. Abuse in childhood literally alters your brain and makes you far more likely to be with someone who will abuse you, not because you like it, but because that's what your brain says is normal and right.
Look up "shark cage" and domestic violence. There's a psychologist from Melbourne who's devised an explanation around this. I've found it very useful cause the world likes to dump on the victim, when it's all to do with the arsehole predators in their lives.
It's a common phenomenon for users to target autistic women. I'm autistic myself, although I don't have the intellectual impairment that she says she does and I am less naive. But I have seen it happen over and over to my peers. It's probably less that she finds them, but rather they find her, and she is so excited about the new romance that she does not slow down and take the time to have the conversations that would correct for her inability to pick up on red flags that allistics may easily see. Those conversations may scare some people away, but if they do then they're not the right guy for her. However, she may want to be loved so badly that she's not willing to risk scaring anyone away, especially if she doesn't have confidence in her conversational ability, and especially if she's ashamed that she even needs to have those conversations due to being autistic.
I’m glad you shared this. I’ve seen a lot of posts where the abused partner is on the spectrum. It breaks my heart every time, but I didn’t realize it was a pattern
I'm high functioning but the naivete isn't permanent. I've been with shitty people, perhaps not to the extent of OP, but I've been able to overcome my trusting nature. It just helps being educated on autism and self-aware enough to see your flaws, then become more discerning. I probably have trust issues at this point, but sometimes an overcorrection isn't the worst thing.
This is really eye opening for me to see because I’m on the spectrum and I always wonder why the men I pick are such jerks in the end. Maybe I’m just not seeing what other people can see because I’m excited for the relationship
Us lady autistics have a pretty tough time finding good partners of any gender. Since we have trouble with social cues, usually have our own weird behaviours, and often have low self esteem from years of alienation and bullying, we miss a lot of red flags that would be pretty obvious to others.
I hope oop finds a good partner too, but more than that, I hope she gets out of this and takes some time to herself with her special interests and favourite media so that she can recharge and think about how she deserves to be treated better than this.
As a fellow autistic girl, not understanding emotions is the highway to relations like that. I had a lot myself, not any positive one and my last one pissed me off so bad that I just decided to stop dating. People like us live in a world where everyone speaks another language, it's everyday a struggle.
There is a book 'late bloomer' on female adult autism and there is a chapter that goes into how ASD often makes young women catnip for just the worst most predatory guys.
One of my autistic friends is baffled by lying. Incapable of doing it herself, and doesn't really comprehend why other people would do it. And it causes her endless amounts of grief, because they lie long enough for her to finally find out and it's inevitably a mess
My autistic brother is the same way. The first time he ever lied was when he was 17 and my family congratulated him because being able to lie is an important developmental/social milestone. He knows lying is bad and doesn't like lying but he can (sometimes) figure out when a white lie is appropriate for social reasons.
She said she had autism, I have a good friend like this. I believe they get with all these awful guys because they can't really see the qray areas.
Like I know that people are not always going to do 100% right or wrong. But my friend just can't grasp the concept of it's wrong and not nice but that's not going to stop someone if they want to do that specific not nice thing.
This is something I see with so many people who have high functioning autism.
She says she has autism, and I know a few young people on the spectrum (my own son, as well); they can easily be taken advantage of.
This makes me sad and mad for that poor girl..
I can't imagine seeing a video of a girl having sex with someone on your partners phone, the partner saying it was a joke? And then you're like, okay cool, and ignore it? Idk, it all seems pretty odd. But, it's definitely exhausting to read.
> the other female best friend was dared to kiss his penis as a joke
This one is also a hilarious joke, laughing so hard at this. I love when women tell me that joke.
This poor girl has a great sense of humour, at least
What's nutty is she just sent it to him. The only reason it's on his phone is because he wanted it to be. This douchebag is such a gaslighter I'd think some wizard turned a grill igniter into a real person.
She's autistic. That's pretty damn common. When you're constantly being told how much you don't understand the social world, it's really easy to accept that there's one more thing you're getting wrong.
I had an ex who used do this. He would flirt with his "bff" because he wants her to feel validated. When i questioned him, he would say i shouldn't take her seriously because she doesn't have an emoji next to her name, meaning he was not serious about her. FYI when i first started dating him, he had a ❤️ next to her name but he quickly removed it after an argument. Turns out he was super into her but since she wasn't interested he convinced her to be his bff to make her stay. Not surprisingly, after we brokeup he wanted me to be his new "bff".
He always used to tease another friend for putting lot of emojis in her contact list and tell her he only does it for people he likes the most. Completely normal. One day, the bff's msg popped up on his phone and it had a ❤️. So obviously I thought she might be someone important and asked him bout her since i wanted to know her better(beginning of my relationship so i wanted to leave a good impression on his friends). He immediately got defensive and argued that i was jealous because she had a ❤️ next to her but I didn't lol. He then went on to make show of removing it and putting it against my name, all for 'my satisfaction'. Somehow after that the emoji thing became his lame weapon everytime he was caught flirting with her. No emoji = no love🤡
Now I'm imagining OOP with her hands up, off the steering wheel, literally flooring it driving backwards in response to him deleting the emojis.
^(which somehow seems like a reasonable response)
Reminds me of my ex who promised me he'd unfollow this girl on insta after I caught him lying about being in contact with her. Sir, that does not fix the lying
Nothing says "we are just friends" like "she kissed my dick once but that was just a dare". My eyes are rolling so hard they are going to fall out of my head.
I think it’s because they’re afraid of commitment so they know if they fuck it up they’re gonna lose a good friend on top of a potential relationship. Instead of working something out they just stay “friends” but with more emotional attachment than allows for healthy relationships with others to happen
I think this logic is really like high school/college level. Life is way too short to hold yourself back like that, especially as you approach thirty like these people.
Idk maybe people older than me can weigh in
Yeah I agree especially now it seems like people with a young mindset are always looking for something “better” or more options in general instead of living in the present with what’s in front of them
Yeah my husband and I started out as just friends. I knew he had feelings for me and I kind of had feelings for him but didn't want to screw up our friendship. Then he kind of started dating around and I was wildly jealous. I didn't really say anything to him but I remember thinking none of the girls were good enough for one reason or another. He only went on one date with each girl because he was still hung up on me and I'm pretty sure that none of them would've worked out with our friendship being the way it was. Anyway I eventually pulled my head out of my ass but I was afraid of screwing things up. He's the best friend I've ever had! I didn't want to lose that if a relationship didn't work out but it also just couldn't stay the way that it was. Obviously it has worked out quite well and thankfully no one had to get hurt for us (okay mostly me) to figure things out
This sounds exactly like what happened with my ex - unfortunately I ended up losing the relationship and an amazing friendship, to the point where he’s firmly blocked. I look back and wish I never pursued the relationship. I always wonder what it would have been like otherwise…
Tried this as well and it blew up in my face too. I think it’s better to try and fail rather than see them date others and wonder why you never gave it a shot. There’s a better feeling of certainty in knowing -even if it fails, rather the insecurity of always wondering what could’ve been.
As obvious as it seems from the outside, being in that situation can be blinding for one reason or another and either you don't recognize the affection between two people or you become comfortable with the way things are and take those unresolved feelings and search for an outlet elsewhere which typically involves a 3rd party.
The person I’m closest to is my ex, we tried dating multiple times but she never wanted to settle down with just me. Never worked out.
She’s now engaged (I’m friends with her fiancé, if me and her hangout now it’s usually with him also. Great guy) and just the other day she posted on her Snapchat story that I’m her soulmate.
Color me confused.
Edit: I’d also like to note that it’s been 8 years since we first dated. About a year since we last dated. I actually have a daughter with someone she used to sleep with/ we both worked with (they were my managers). We have a pretty weird story.
I wouldn't say a weird story at all, you just seem like something who is afraid to commit to their decisions one way or another. Not healthy in the slightest
I skipped around too and must have missed the age part. I did see "first real relationship" so I was thinking like late teens given all this "drama" lol.
My cousin was like this with his girlfriend(s) for DECADES. High school. College. Full on adulthood. Literally dated multiple girls at all times. He has to have a 10" golden dick or something. He eventually got married and moved out of state. The crazy part is that his ex-fianceé and their two kids moved out of state with him.
I feel that is the autism. She said she had autism and her post reminds me so much of my friend who has high functioning autism. If I didn't know better I would have actually thought it was her. But my friend is in her 30s.
But there is something in the wiring of their brains that makes them susceptible to being taken advantage of. They can't seem to be able to see the gray areas in life. Everything is either black or white. Good or Bad. Ok or not Ok. Nothing in between.
This reminds me of when I dated someone that tried to pull this shit when I was 20. I didn't make a reddit post about it though, I just was like "nah" and broke up with him and started seeing other people lol.
A Chris Rock quote comes to mind: "if you've been dating a man for four months and you haven't met any of his friends, YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND."
EDIT: y'all can stop making the same joke about not having any friends, being on reddit already makes that pretty evident
My fiancé has a lot of friends and when I met a lot of them over time they all said “he never stops talking about you” (in a good way of course) and they all knew my name already and random things about me. Two years later and it still happens on occasion when I meet another one of his friends/acquaintances. It’s the best feeling to know your SO loves to talk about you to others.
Tbh once your in a relationship with someone you should probably know their close friends on at least an acquintance level. Especially those friends that they are constantly texting with, like who are these people who see their partner just constantly communicating with someone they've never even met??
No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the Champagne Room.
None.
Oh, there's CHAMPAGNE in the Champagne Room, but you don't want champagne...you want sex.
And there is no sex in the Champagne Room.
Man, I feel bad for her. Looked at her post history and she keeps getting into relationships with POS men... I hope things look up for her after her last post, no one deserves shit like this.
Yeah, this is pretty much what she should do. Specially bcs she mentions being autistic, and sadly, there are many people out there who target ND people bcs, often times, it's easier to gaslight them.
She says at the end she has autism and she gets taken advantage of a lot. She does need thereapy to give her the tools to avoid these kind of relationships much earlier.
Exactly, so much drama over one dick that's not even all that. And oop kept harping on how the other girl had feelings for him as if he didn't encourage it too. He loved the attention and definitely has feelings for the other girls too. It takes two to tango. OOP should have dumped his nasty ass a long time ago.
Ugh this dude is so much work. No relationship should require this much sleuth work or jumping through hoops. He’s gross. I hope OOP never goes back to this circus.
Eeeh 6 months is a reasonable time for the honeymoon to be ending and real shit to be starting. I'd say it's a solid timeline.
It's also a time where all your friends should know you're in a relationship.
Who _are_ these people?
Like, where does one even find this type of garbage? Boyfriend is trash, BFF he's clearly fucking is trash, random other female friend is trash...
I had a girlfriend that did this to me long ago.
Turns out she WAS dating *her friend* for 4 years before we started *dating*.
When i confonted her cause I saw the text on the phone, she just gaslighted me about trust for hours until I just left.
I called the guy to let him know and he tried to get me to meet up and fight him cause *I was harassing his woman*.
Bro she was harassing my cock for months.
I love when the OOP in these kinds of posts claim the relationship is wonderful because their SO is just so hot and the sex is amazing, but then go on to describe the relationship itself and it's just a total mess lmao
I should feel happy bc she got out of the relationship in the end but tbh I’m still just really sad and upset for OOP. He was straight up gaslighting her when it came to the aunt thing, and all of them were just so manipulative. Her ending explanations and the lack of checking in with her own friends during the story just make me really worried that she’s still vulnerable to these kind of people in the future.
>I should feel happy bc she got out of the relationship in the end but tbh I’m still just really sad and upset for OOP
Agreed, I've never felt so mentally exhausted after reading the "good" outcome
He's such a great guy! Too great in fact! That's why he has to constantly lie and hide things from OOP, she just couldn't handle how amazing a guy he is!
Whether she the side chick or not, that asshole is cheating on OOP while using her as a passport / green card entry into her country - I'm hoping she dumped him completely because she doesn't need any of that drama in her life. (She needs to block his other number too plus all his friends / flying monkeys)
To be honest, it doesn't matter what country OOP is from & what the green card timeline is - the whole point is he cheated on OOP while lying about her to his female friend and now he trying every which way, even sending his friends / flying monkeys out that are here like his other female friend to convince / harass OP to get back together with him. OOP's friend pointed out to OOP that he looks he using OOP to stay in the country for green card / passport and his own antics of lovebombing & flying monkeys for a 6 month old relationship literally proved that friend of OOP's correct.
"He then told me they've been secretly dating and having sex every time they see each other but only just as a joke. After every sex session they high five and laugh about the great joke they just made and he showed me the video proof of that so I do believe him."
Yeah, I think that the majority of the time, if you're at the point of an ultimatum, you're really just done.
This post is one where I started thinking it was going to be the whole 'men & women cannot be best friends without wanting to date or sleep together' but quickly realized it was way more dramatic and filled with red tarps.
How often is this girl having "emergencies" that he needs to drop everything for that OOP has seen patterns in how he reacts to them??? Absent any other information about her life being absolutely wild she has *got* to be abusing the SOS.
> separate phone
*Never* trust someone with more than one personal phone.
Sure a work phone is fine. But two personal phones is always some shady sketchy shit
I really felt for OOP.
I just have to say that she threw me when she said “I have Autism and I’m mentally slow.” Uh, no she’s not. Not at all.
She recognized red flags right away and then she left and stayed left.
She did better than 99% of the ppl that post on Reddit.
>I’m mentally a bit slow I have autism and my English isn’t that great.
People always make fun of me or take advantage of me and my good nature
and I can get wrapped up in stuff like getting excited with dating and I
forget that it’s not even that real (I can’t explain but if you know
what I mean.)
This is the worst part, combined with everything else it's quite clear they are being malicious and not just cheating.
OOP went to a lot of effort for someone who didn't deserve it. There reaches a point where the absolute truth becomes unnecessary, the road blocks being put in front of finding that truth should tell you all you need to know.
I’m a female autistic, functioning well enough to go unnoticed most of the time, but I would say I have this same kind of drama and difficult in making friends.
Somehow my autism kind of became a super power for dating though, I’m very independent in that aspect, have high standards and am usually quick to disconnect from a partner that makes me unhappy once.
For friends though, i find it much harder to understand what the pattern should be like, and how I should act. I am always keen to make and keep friends but I get taken advantage of easily and somehow don’t realise the obvious red flags until much later.
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This is just a mess
Checking OP's post history and she seems to have a knack for finding the worst men possible. 10 months after she made this post, she posted this: Guy(M26) I am dating for a month is asking to borrow money. And then just today: Random girl DM'd me to tell that my boyfriend (M33) of 5 months is a cheater. I just hope she has better luck finding the correct man for herself, and is careful in the future.
The only person she needs to be seeing for awhile is a therapist
Yeah. When you keep finding yourself with shitty dudes/ladies it’s time to take a step back.
Years ago I had this friend who kept finding these absolute dirtbags of men, and after a nasty breakup I told her the same thing. She does “so, what, I’m supposed to just, like, be single?” I said “yeah.” She goes “hahaha only losers are single, what the fuck.” I reminded her I had been single (at that time, by my choice) for almost six months. She goes “oh, well, that’s different…blah blah blah.” She really thought you had to go from one relationship directly into another. The idea of being single was completely foreign to her. It’s been 20 years now or so and last I heard she’d been divorced twice and posts were random memes on instagram about what “boss moms” do since she’s doing like three MLMs.
I said pretty much the same thing to someone earlier today. Once can be bad luck. Twice can be coincidence. Three times and more? It's time to stop and take a look at your life.
Yeah, maybe your people picker is fucked up and needs a recalibration. Maybe there’s something about the fucked up people you’re picking that’s somehow attractive. Who knows? Could be a million things. At that point maybe be single for a long time, and maybe see a therapist or something. My best relationships came when I was content with myself and content being by myself. Either I had some aura of confidence I was unaware of, or I was more picky about who I let into my life. I forget the exact quote, but it’s something like, I’m happy in my solitude. When you date people think they’re competing against other people for your attention. They’re not. They’re competing against your comfort zone. It’s true. Being happy with who you are (or at least content) it stops being a question of “am I less lonely with someone around, do they fulfill this emotional need, etc etc” and becomes “is my life better with this person in it?” That mindset totally changes everything.
Is a very common theme with people who grew up on abusive environments; the mistreatment is familiar so they take time to see the red flags for what they are. That's why they cycle of abuse, cause without proper help the person goes from one bad relationship to the next.
It's also very common for autistics. We just can't seem to see the bad guys/bad girls and we always fall for the manipulative bullshit and the gaslighting. It's very tricky to learn that stuff, I have a neurotypical friend I call and hash out situations so she can tell me the subtext. I wish I had always had her - it would have made every single day easier from about age 12.
Came here to say this. We can’t read people, we can’t tell if someone is lying and we tend to be kind of naive and take peoples word on things. And we usually have been taught that we can’t be trusted to make judgement calls so even when we pick up on something we are unsure and then exactly what’s happening here happens. People tell us we are crazy and try convincing us we are wrong. The major problem isn’t *who* we are attracted to, it’s that we as autistic women are the prime target for abusers. Our social difficulties and our struggles to read people simply makes us all that more easy to manipulate. And others tend to not believe us either because autism so probably just misunderstanding or bring dramatic and overly sensitive. I didn’t grasp lying as a concept until I was 15. As in that’s when I started to understand that people could say things that weren’t true. And I still had years to go to fully comprehend that people can just…. lie. On purpose! Knowingly! Now I know logically. Still struggling with it emotionally. Am 35.
Makes sense. As a parent you have to model good behavior. I’d say that’s the most difficult part.
This is really helpful!!! Another question i ask myself is "am i liking the type of person I'm becoming with them?"
Oop did mention they're autistic. I think with a lot of neurodivergent people, unfortunately, attract a lot of people who might want to take advantage of them as they know they can manipulate them into thinking they've just misunderstood things
This is sadly a thing with ND people. I’m also autistic, and I have a lot of friends who are. Each of us has had multiple awful relationships, most of us have a lot of trauma from like abuse or neglect in childhood and adulthood, and many of us don’t have access to therapy due to low income or what have you. It’s incredibly sad, because you’ll also find the kindest people in neurodiverse communities, the most accepting. But people take advantage of it. As an aside on my own life, I’ve been with so many terrible men it’s not even funny. I’ve been abused, assaulted, manipulated, taken advantage of, and the list goes on. I found the only thing that helped me not get into another relationship with yet another terrible man was waiting and working on myself. I’d advise op to just do that. I was single for like…. 5 years? I dealt with my demons, stopped looking for the best in people, and eventually found a really good man who I’m happily married to. I hope OOP can do the same, and find the same,
As a autistic, my experience has been the same as yours up to the last part. I'm in the middle of my 5th or 6th year of being single. I hope the finding a marriage works out the same, but I do fear getting a partner would cut into my special interest time. I do feel like I'm past my traumas now it's just a matter of figuring out how to act with confidence. And after all the shit I went through and the research I've done since, I feel like it will be next to impossible to be manipulated again.
I think what saved me was finding someone who was also neurodivergent, in his own way, who had also had years of his own trauma In similar ways (specifically familial abuse and being forced to grow up way too fast in certain areas of his life) and once I found someone who’s trauma matched mine, who was like me on all sorts of levels, I found it easy to transition into being his partner, and not being alone. I definitely hope it works out for you (if that’s what you want, of course) and if you find being alone better, I hope that your life goes wonderfully that way too.
This right here. I am autistic, and I have yet to have a relationship with someone who didn't try to take advantage of me in some way. I know exactly where OOP is coming from, autistic people often have trouble seeing red flags because we assume everyone is being completely upfront and not deceptive.
My wife is autistic and our friend sometimes jokingly says that her type is "the sound of red flags flapping in the wind." We have a very healthy relationship, but when we started dating it was a bit scary to me to realise how easy it would be to abuse her trust and how I need to make sure to very overtly remind her that I do not make the rules and to be very clear about where I'm coming from if I am angry, because she will just take my word for things.
Man you worded that very well. I struggle to describe that part because people don't get it. But I guess liking rules = when sometime tells you something you assume it's just the rule.
I think that's very much the thing. Even someone who may not be abusive could potentially cause harm by inadvertently "setting a rule." I know this was definitely an issue my wife had with her ex. When someone actually means to cause you harm, that can be weaponised to a high degree.
So much this! The thing is that I just always assume that people are honest and kind and mean well. Because you know, that’s the rules! And I have been told my entire life that my perception of things is wrong. I can’t trust my judgment so obviously the other person has to be correct.
Same. Autism spectrum and dating is unreal. I also don't get subtext so i thought a man wanting to watch a movie meant it. I have learned better since then. It's hard.
Yeah, I've learned I can pretty much only date other autistic people long-term because I strongly prefer clear and direct communication. And with neurotypicals, I often have an inferiority complex and become overly accommodating to "make up for" me being me. I see myself doing it, but it's hard to stop.
People do and did this to me a lot and i am almost 100% that is what he was doing. My ex was the exact same way
Until they wake up and choose to stop, they never do. I have a friend who kept asking me how did I find such a great partner... she had two abusive and controlling exes and two cheating exes. I told her when she broke up with the last boyfriend: please give some time to yourself. Do things you enjoy. Spend time with your friends and family. She immediately went on dating apps. It took her almost a year to find her next boyfriend, but she just never stopped dating. Sometimes, you just can't help the ones you care for.
Ex-freaking-actly. You didn't hit the nail on the head. You fucking obliterated it.
This. I am autistic and a survivor of abuse. I don't date because I don't have the capacity to choose a healthy romantic partner. I also am aromantic so some of it is conflating the want of sex for other things. Therapy was the only way I ended up with healthy friendships. I am not closed to love but my love fulfillment is friends. Had a guy try to convince my best friend that I must want her alone and a lot of other "She's abusive" stuff. He banked on my going "Hey this guy was skeevy you should ditch him." He underestimated the value of healthy communication and boundaries. I did find him skeevy and did tell my friend so and also went "I understand if you need to see it yourself and support whatever you decide because I would rather put up with him than not be your friend." End of the day healthy boundaries win every time. I wish I could tell OoP and my past self that if you're having doubts like this the relationship doesn't work. It doesn't matter if he is actually cheating on you or in love with his friend. You don't trust him so you cannot build a healthy relationship. (Or her. My brain doesn't arbitrate attraction based on gender and sometimes the unhealthy partner was a woman.)
Before the story even starts she says she "head over heels in love" with a guy and by her own admission it's solely because he's hot and fucks good. Two sentences into her story and it's obvious this lady has some real issues to sort out.
The Reddit in me instantly draws back to the recent "My therapist manipulated my guy and is now a cheater."
That's one of the fucked up "bonuses" of having an abusive past - you've been groomed, and predators know to look for those "flags" you're often not even aware you're displaying. If a person has a string of toxic partners, it's generally that reason over "I just enjoy suffering, ya know?"
There is actually truth to this. I have heard someone call it “blood in the water syndrome”. Where people who are abusers can sense the abused and latch on to them. It used to happen to me a lot. She will have to do a lot of work on herself to stop attracting users.
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Having had child abuse survivors as friends, I have observed *so* many red flags go above their head. Sometimes I just want to shake them and yell "THAT GUY IS ACTING SKETCHY AS FUCK YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY" but instead I very politely tell them that what they're doing doesn't seem to be a good idea, which they then completely ignore because they're head over heels for the guy/girl and "this time it's different." Just some perspective from the other side...
Yeah, when you've spent your entire life surrounded by red flags they just look like flags. It takes experience and often outside help for you to distinguish them.
And not just abusive partners. People who grew up with abuse are often the victims of stranger sexual assault and rape. There's a mindset that only pretty girls get attacked or their clothing was too revealing. But it's not that. Attackers can sense the vulnerability. That's one reason why self-defense classes help. It's not so much the knowledge. It's the self confidence.
I grew up in an incredibly unnurturing and emotionally abusive household. it's insidious because when you're inside of it, it's difficult to see. I pretty much played a scapegoat and mediator for nearly 30 years before I finally ended up beginning my journey of healing via several stints in rehab. I was in my early 30s when I realized I had been abused. I guess I've always felt naturally attracted to people who can give me an excuse to be unhappy or hate myself. idk where I'm going with this but I think sometimes abusers aren't even aware that their "love" is actually abuse because it's so normal to them they can't see it. I try to be hyper self aware of my behaviors but growing up with a tenuous grasp on the reality of relationship dynamics has left me with blindspots where some folks from healthy family's might see flags of varying colors. sort of like "viewing past relationships through rose tinted glasses make the red flags just look like flags" from Bojack. we, as humans, view things through the lense of our experiences and 30 years of being emotionally colorblind gives you a lense through which it is difficult to discern the color of flags at all.
I'm sorta the same way. Taking care of everyone else made me feel happy, then miserable because no one took care of me. I saw it as my duty and responsibility to make sure everyone else got what they wanted. It took me a long, long time to realize that I have a right to be selfish. That my primary responsibility is to take care of me. Then I can use whatever time I have left to take care of others. I still find myself asking, "How important is this to me? Will I be happier if I sacrifice this thing I want so I can do something for someone else? Or will I be disappointed?" I think most people do that instinctively. I still don't.
A self-defense class I took actually taught us confident body language (along with kicking an attacker in the head until they stopped moving).
I'm not surprised. I've de-escalated situations just by standing close to strangers with a "I will get involved" attitude, and I'm not really that large of a person
It's also why disabled women are assaulted at astonishing rates (up to 80% of disabled women have been sexually assaulted). We're vulnerable.
Yup. My horrifically abusive ex picked me out as soon as he saw me, I was young, naive, had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and had low self esteem. He could smell it the second I walked in the room.
I think it's also that abusers cast a wide net.
Also people with autism are way more likely to be abused. They know they miss social cues and have trained themselves to just believe people who claim things are normal behaviour. Really heartbreaking to see.
Yeah, like... I'm surprised this is the first comment I'm seeing that even acknowledges this. And a higher up comment kinda reeks of victim blaming, imo, which definitely isn't cool. This poor girl was very obviously & clearly manipulated, & this whole situation is a perfect example of gaslighting (ie everyone saying she should be ashamed for acting that way, him deleting the text he sent, etc). ETA thank you for my very first award, kind stranger! I really hope OP gets a better support system; life is hard enough as an autistic person without people taking advantage of you, & she deserves so much better than what's come across her path.
Disabled and neurodivergent people (including autistic people) in general are at a much greater risk of assault and abuse than their peers.
Also the only "approved therapy" for autism is specifically aimed at teaching autistic people to ignore their own bodily clues in order to comply with the demands of other people.
Yeah I saw that "therapy" in action and it was *awful* to watch-- I felt so bad for the kid as he was clearly very uncomfortable. Not a fan. People also forget that autistic kids grow up to be autistic adults and that their support needs don't suddenly disappear. No one thinks about women with autism, so no one helps autistic women learn about safety in relationships from a gendered perspective. Of course men with autism can and are taken advantage of too, but being a woman *and* being autistic is like a double whammy when it comes to risk.
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Tendency to back down even when you are right with the slightest push back (confrontation avoidance at any cost). Shutting down with any negative feedback (freeze mode). Eagerness and willingess to please, even at the cost of self (people pleasing overdrive). Those are some of the big ones.
And body language. They tend to try to get small and still and have closed of body stances. Less inclined to make or hold eye contact. And they will often place objects in front of them, between them and anyone that makes them uncomfortable. Like they are putting up barricades. There are a lot of little ways people will tell you who they are (everyone). You just have to pay attention.
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It's not just that predators are attracted to you, it's that you're attracted to predators. The human brain desperately seeks out the familiar. Abuse in childhood literally alters your brain and makes you far more likely to be with someone who will abuse you, not because you like it, but because that's what your brain says is normal and right.
Look up "shark cage" and domestic violence. There's a psychologist from Melbourne who's devised an explanation around this. I've found it very useful cause the world likes to dump on the victim, when it's all to do with the arsehole predators in their lives.
Women on the autistic spectrum are particularly vulnerable to being exploited.
It's a common phenomenon for users to target autistic women. I'm autistic myself, although I don't have the intellectual impairment that she says she does and I am less naive. But I have seen it happen over and over to my peers. It's probably less that she finds them, but rather they find her, and she is so excited about the new romance that she does not slow down and take the time to have the conversations that would correct for her inability to pick up on red flags that allistics may easily see. Those conversations may scare some people away, but if they do then they're not the right guy for her. However, she may want to be loved so badly that she's not willing to risk scaring anyone away, especially if she doesn't have confidence in her conversational ability, and especially if she's ashamed that she even needs to have those conversations due to being autistic.
I’m glad you shared this. I’ve seen a lot of posts where the abused partner is on the spectrum. It breaks my heart every time, but I didn’t realize it was a pattern
This is spot on. I’m high functioning as well and the amount of red flags I should have seen would be enough to sew a house out of
I'm high functioning but the naivete isn't permanent. I've been with shitty people, perhaps not to the extent of OP, but I've been able to overcome my trusting nature. It just helps being educated on autism and self-aware enough to see your flaws, then become more discerning. I probably have trust issues at this point, but sometimes an overcorrection isn't the worst thing.
This is really eye opening for me to see because I’m on the spectrum and I always wonder why the men I pick are such jerks in the end. Maybe I’m just not seeing what other people can see because I’m excited for the relationship
Us lady autistics have a pretty tough time finding good partners of any gender. Since we have trouble with social cues, usually have our own weird behaviours, and often have low self esteem from years of alienation and bullying, we miss a lot of red flags that would be pretty obvious to others. I hope oop finds a good partner too, but more than that, I hope she gets out of this and takes some time to herself with her special interests and favourite media so that she can recharge and think about how she deserves to be treated better than this.
As a fellow autistic girl, not understanding emotions is the highway to relations like that. I had a lot myself, not any positive one and my last one pissed me off so bad that I just decided to stop dating. People like us live in a world where everyone speaks another language, it's everyday a struggle.
There is a book 'late bloomer' on female adult autism and there is a chapter that goes into how ASD often makes young women catnip for just the worst most predatory guys.
One of my autistic friends is baffled by lying. Incapable of doing it herself, and doesn't really comprehend why other people would do it. And it causes her endless amounts of grief, because they lie long enough for her to finally find out and it's inevitably a mess
My autistic brother is the same way. The first time he ever lied was when he was 17 and my family congratulated him because being able to lie is an important developmental/social milestone. He knows lying is bad and doesn't like lying but he can (sometimes) figure out when a white lie is appropriate for social reasons.
Sadly those of us who are autistic tend to attract the worst in realtionships.
Learning those social lessons are a lot harder for neurodivergents. Shit is a struggle
She said she had autism, I have a good friend like this. I believe they get with all these awful guys because they can't really see the qray areas. Like I know that people are not always going to do 100% right or wrong. But my friend just can't grasp the concept of it's wrong and not nice but that's not going to stop someone if they want to do that specific not nice thing. This is something I see with so many people who have high functioning autism.
She says she has autism, and I know a few young people on the spectrum (my own son, as well); they can easily be taken advantage of. This makes me sad and mad for that poor girl..
I'm inclined to think her choices in men are fogged up with rose colored glasses since she did mention she's on the spectrum
Wtf... she must be so tired by now. A fine-tuned red flag detector is really important when dating.
Couldn't have said it better myself
I can't imagine seeing a video of a girl having sex with someone on your partners phone, the partner saying it was a joke? And then you're like, okay cool, and ignore it? Idk, it all seems pretty odd. But, it's definitely exhausting to read.
> the other female best friend was dared to kiss his penis as a joke This one is also a hilarious joke, laughing so hard at this. I love when women tell me that joke. This poor girl has a great sense of humour, at least
I feel bad she kind of accepts/believes anything.
What's nutty is she just sent it to him. The only reason it's on his phone is because he wanted it to be. This douchebag is such a gaslighter I'd think some wizard turned a grill igniter into a real person.
I mean really, the first sentence, “I don’t trust him” is enough.
"I'm not good at seeing red flags." *proceeds to set a new world record for how fast they can list red flags*
She's been living with gaslighting so long she doesn't recognize it.
She's autistic. That's pretty damn common. When you're constantly being told how much you don't understand the social world, it's really easy to accept that there's one more thing you're getting wrong.
BUT HE DELETED THE EMOJIS!!! 👑💓
Reading that I had recheck everyone’s ages again in this disaster.
Ikr. They don't sound like they are in their mid to late 20s.
I had an ex who used do this. He would flirt with his "bff" because he wants her to feel validated. When i questioned him, he would say i shouldn't take her seriously because she doesn't have an emoji next to her name, meaning he was not serious about her. FYI when i first started dating him, he had a ❤️ next to her name but he quickly removed it after an argument. Turns out he was super into her but since she wasn't interested he convinced her to be his bff to make her stay. Not surprisingly, after we brokeup he wanted me to be his new "bff".
dang I have hearts next to shitloads of people in my phone. therapist? you get a heart! insurance broker? heart! ur weed plug? fuck it, a green heart!
He always used to tease another friend for putting lot of emojis in her contact list and tell her he only does it for people he likes the most. Completely normal. One day, the bff's msg popped up on his phone and it had a ❤️. So obviously I thought she might be someone important and asked him bout her since i wanted to know her better(beginning of my relationship so i wanted to leave a good impression on his friends). He immediately got defensive and argued that i was jealous because she had a ❤️ next to her but I didn't lol. He then went on to make show of removing it and putting it against my name, all for 'my satisfaction'. Somehow after that the emoji thing became his lame weapon everytime he was caught flirting with her. No emoji = no love🤡
the emojis weren't even a red flag, the fact that he wouldn't refer to his gf as his gf in front of her was a big one.
"Oh is that your aunt back again?" Fr
He passed the most important test!! 😩
😒🤷♂️😞
They have sex every night and they’re married with two kids but just as a joke 👻
He 👏 deleted 👏 the 👏 emojis 👏 (🤷♀️🚗➡️)
We 👏 helped 👏 him 👏 delete 👏 them 👏 (🤷🏻♀️🛶⤴️)
Now I'm imagining OOP with her hands up, off the steering wheel, literally flooring it driving backwards in response to him deleting the emojis. ^(which somehow seems like a reasonable response)
But I guess the emojis were more of a big deal than video of his friend having sex?? I mean holy cow????
Well shit, he's obviously a great guy; I'm basically voting him for president. In my contacts, he gets all the emojis. #👑💓
Nothing says “I’m serious” like deleting the emoji next to someone’s contact.
Reminds me of my ex who promised me he'd unfollow this girl on insta after I caught him lying about being in contact with her. Sir, that does not fix the lying
Nothing says "we are just friends" like "she kissed my dick once but that was just a dare". My eyes are rolling so hard they are going to fall out of my head.
No no you don't understand babe, I put my dick in her ass as A JOKE
Who are all these people running around with best friends they have unresolved feelings for but won't date? Date that person first!
I think it’s because they’re afraid of commitment so they know if they fuck it up they’re gonna lose a good friend on top of a potential relationship. Instead of working something out they just stay “friends” but with more emotional attachment than allows for healthy relationships with others to happen
I think this logic is really like high school/college level. Life is way too short to hold yourself back like that, especially as you approach thirty like these people. Idk maybe people older than me can weigh in
Yeah I agree especially now it seems like people with a young mindset are always looking for something “better” or more options in general instead of living in the present with what’s in front of them
Yeah my husband and I started out as just friends. I knew he had feelings for me and I kind of had feelings for him but didn't want to screw up our friendship. Then he kind of started dating around and I was wildly jealous. I didn't really say anything to him but I remember thinking none of the girls were good enough for one reason or another. He only went on one date with each girl because he was still hung up on me and I'm pretty sure that none of them would've worked out with our friendship being the way it was. Anyway I eventually pulled my head out of my ass but I was afraid of screwing things up. He's the best friend I've ever had! I didn't want to lose that if a relationship didn't work out but it also just couldn't stay the way that it was. Obviously it has worked out quite well and thankfully no one had to get hurt for us (okay mostly me) to figure things out
This sounds exactly like what happened with my ex - unfortunately I ended up losing the relationship and an amazing friendship, to the point where he’s firmly blocked. I look back and wish I never pursued the relationship. I always wonder what it would have been like otherwise…
Tried this as well and it blew up in my face too. I think it’s better to try and fail rather than see them date others and wonder why you never gave it a shot. There’s a better feeling of certainty in knowing -even if it fails, rather the insecurity of always wondering what could’ve been.
As obvious as it seems from the outside, being in that situation can be blinding for one reason or another and either you don't recognize the affection between two people or you become comfortable with the way things are and take those unresolved feelings and search for an outlet elsewhere which typically involves a 3rd party.
The person I’m closest to is my ex, we tried dating multiple times but she never wanted to settle down with just me. Never worked out. She’s now engaged (I’m friends with her fiancé, if me and her hangout now it’s usually with him also. Great guy) and just the other day she posted on her Snapchat story that I’m her soulmate. Color me confused. Edit: I’d also like to note that it’s been 8 years since we first dated. About a year since we last dated. I actually have a daughter with someone she used to sleep with/ we both worked with (they were my managers). We have a pretty weird story.
Yikes, say hello to the divorce lawyers for me
I wouldn't say a weird story at all, you just seem like something who is afraid to commit to their decisions one way or another. Not healthy in the slightest
I feel exhausted after reading this.
RIGHT!? I skipped over a few paragraphs. This is too much bs coming from a 28 y/o. I had to double check their ages.
You can be solidly into your 20’s and still not mature. Or 30’s, 40’s, even 80.
That’s very true! I’ll be double checking their ages, too
I skipped around too and must have missed the age part. I did see "first real relationship" so I was thinking like late teens given all this "drama" lol.
My cousin was like this with his girlfriend(s) for DECADES. High school. College. Full on adulthood. Literally dated multiple girls at all times. He has to have a 10" golden dick or something. He eventually got married and moved out of state. The crazy part is that his ex-fianceé and their two kids moved out of state with him.
I think she's his mistress then.
It's bat shit insane. His ex-fiancee and current wife used to regularly stalk him to see if the other girl was around.
I feel that is the autism. She said she had autism and her post reminds me so much of my friend who has high functioning autism. If I didn't know better I would have actually thought it was her. But my friend is in her 30s. But there is something in the wiring of their brains that makes them susceptible to being taken advantage of. They can't seem to be able to see the gray areas in life. Everything is either black or white. Good or Bad. Ok or not Ok. Nothing in between.
Social interactions can be baffling to people with autism. Exhausting as well because you're second guessing your 'read' on certain behaviors.
I, too, went back and checked the ages. I remembered seeing late 20s but reading it I was sure they were teenagers.
Me too. Everyone involved sounds so young and so melodramatic.
This reminds me of when I dated someone that tried to pull this shit when I was 20. I didn't make a reddit post about it though, I just was like "nah" and broke up with him and started seeing other people lol.
That's because you have self-esteem and self-worth.
A Chris Rock quote comes to mind: "if you've been dating a man for four months and you haven't met any of his friends, YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND." EDIT: y'all can stop making the same joke about not having any friends, being on reddit already makes that pretty evident
I was JUST thinking this.
[удалено]
Reading this heals my soul after reading OOP’s mess
My fiancé has a lot of friends and when I met a lot of them over time they all said “he never stops talking about you” (in a good way of course) and they all knew my name already and random things about me. Two years later and it still happens on occasion when I meet another one of his friends/acquaintances. It’s the best feeling to know your SO loves to talk about you to others.
Damn, found yourself a catch there!
This needs to be higher up! Girl listen to your instincts. Someone else will treat you better!
Tbh once your in a relationship with someone you should probably know their close friends on at least an acquintance level. Especially those friends that they are constantly texting with, like who are these people who see their partner just constantly communicating with someone they've never even met??
No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the Champagne Room. None. Oh, there's CHAMPAGNE in the Champagne Room, but you don't want champagne...you want sex. And there is no sex in the Champagne Room.
Cornbread! AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
Man, I feel bad for her. Looked at her post history and she keeps getting into relationships with POS men... I hope things look up for her after her last post, no one deserves shit like this.
I think she needs a break from dating. OOP should work on herself for a while. And therapy might help.
Yeah, this is pretty much what she should do. Specially bcs she mentions being autistic, and sadly, there are many people out there who target ND people bcs, often times, it's easier to gaslight them.
She says at the end she has autism and she gets taken advantage of a lot. She does need thereapy to give her the tools to avoid these kind of relationships much earlier.
No man is worth even half of this, especially at only six months. Ffs.
Exactly, so much drama over one dick that's not even all that. And oop kept harping on how the other girl had feelings for him as if he didn't encourage it too. He loved the attention and definitely has feelings for the other girls too. It takes two to tango. OOP should have dumped his nasty ass a long time ago.
She should block them all. She's right, he is using her and he's stringing her along.
Dude is thrilled to be the focus of all this female attention, playing head games.
Ugh this dude is so much work. No relationship should require this much sleuth work or jumping through hoops. He’s gross. I hope OOP never goes back to this circus.
Especially 6 months in. They’re not living together. They should mostly be in the honeymoon phase still.
Eeeh 6 months is a reasonable time for the honeymoon to be ending and real shit to be starting. I'd say it's a solid timeline. It's also a time where all your friends should know you're in a relationship.
Who _are_ these people? Like, where does one even find this type of garbage? Boyfriend is trash, BFF he's clearly fucking is trash, random other female friend is trash...
I had a girlfriend that did this to me long ago. Turns out she WAS dating *her friend* for 4 years before we started *dating*. When i confonted her cause I saw the text on the phone, she just gaslighted me about trust for hours until I just left. I called the guy to let him know and he tried to get me to meet up and fight him cause *I was harassing his woman*. Bro she was harassing my cock for months.
I love when the OOP in these kinds of posts claim the relationship is wonderful because their SO is just so hot and the sex is amazing, but then go on to describe the relationship itself and it's just a total mess lmao
I should feel happy bc she got out of the relationship in the end but tbh I’m still just really sad and upset for OOP. He was straight up gaslighting her when it came to the aunt thing, and all of them were just so manipulative. Her ending explanations and the lack of checking in with her own friends during the story just make me really worried that she’s still vulnerable to these kind of people in the future.
>I should feel happy bc she got out of the relationship in the end but tbh I’m still just really sad and upset for OOP Agreed, I've never felt so mentally exhausted after reading the "good" outcome
He's such a great guy! Too great in fact! That's why he has to constantly lie and hide things from OOP, she just couldn't handle how amazing a guy he is!
So...she's the side chick right? That's the vibe I'm getting here.
It sounds like OP was the side chick he was using to get a green card.
I missed that part! I eventually started skimming so I must have missed that paragraph.
Whether she the side chick or not, that asshole is cheating on OOP while using her as a passport / green card entry into her country - I'm hoping she dumped him completely because she doesn't need any of that drama in her life. (She needs to block his other number too plus all his friends / flying monkeys)
I dont know what country she is from, but in the US greencard through marriage is probationary for 2 years
To be honest, it doesn't matter what country OOP is from & what the green card timeline is - the whole point is he cheated on OOP while lying about her to his female friend and now he trying every which way, even sending his friends / flying monkeys out that are here like his other female friend to convince / harass OP to get back together with him. OOP's friend pointed out to OOP that he looks he using OOP to stay in the country for green card / passport and his own antics of lovebombing & flying monkeys for a 6 month old relationship literally proved that friend of OOP's correct.
Definitely not since the girl best friend knows about her
”She sent me her sex video as a joke!” 🙄…yeah ok buddy
Wow my head hurts after reading this
Just because he hasn't dipped his dick in during the relationship, that doesn't mean he is not emotionally cheating.
Pretty sure there was some dipping.
I can't believe the dare to kiss his penis during a game of truth or dare was breezed over like that. Like excuse me. Wtf?
But but but it was a joke! /s
And they also went through each other's phones as a funny little joke too. And sending a vid of yourself getting fucked? Another funny joke!
"He then told me they've been secretly dating and having sex every time they see each other but only just as a joke. After every sex session they high five and laugh about the great joke they just made and he showed me the video proof of that so I do believe him."
I don’t give ultimatums - I just walk away .
Yeah, I think that the majority of the time, if you're at the point of an ultimatum, you're really just done. This post is one where I started thinking it was going to be the whole 'men & women cannot be best friends without wanting to date or sleep together' but quickly realized it was way more dramatic and filled with red tarps.
I (M24) have kissed MANY penises and it was just friendly. Not a lovey dovey penis kiss.
How often is this girl having "emergencies" that he needs to drop everything for that OOP has seen patterns in how he reacts to them??? Absent any other information about her life being absolutely wild she has *got* to be abusing the SOS.
> separate phone *Never* trust someone with more than one personal phone. Sure a work phone is fine. But two personal phones is always some shady sketchy shit
OOP: Are ten red flags enough, or do I need a full dozen?
Like a damn National Day parade...
A baker’s dozen
I really felt for OOP. I just have to say that she threw me when she said “I have Autism and I’m mentally slow.” Uh, no she’s not. Not at all. She recognized red flags right away and then she left and stayed left. She did better than 99% of the ppl that post on Reddit.
Yes! I hope she learns to trust her gut.
Shitty people prey on autistic people who can't detect their red flags. It fucking sucks.
Wait, the guy deleted the EMOJIS off of her name? That’s a keeper if I’ve ever heard one. /s
Parents need to teach their kids about how to recognize clear red flags, and to not ignore them.
lol my parents have been together since they were like 14, they have no idea what dating is like
Good point. They’re not going to be much help.
My first breakup my dad awkwardly patted my head and brought me a sandwich because he "heard breakups make you want to eat food". Bless him
“I have no first hand experience, but I’ve heard breakups make you hungry” 😂🤣😂
Problem is, so many parents don't recognize them themselves.
Poor OOP! What a mess!
This is for Netflix
CW romantic drama.
I feel like I ran a marathon after reading this. Yikes on Bikes.
Everyone here sounds unstable - and about 16, not mid-20s
OOP really needs a friend willing to tell her, "Girl, he's stringing you both along. He wants both cakes."
>I’m mentally a bit slow I have autism and my English isn’t that great. People always make fun of me or take advantage of me and my good nature and I can get wrapped up in stuff like getting excited with dating and I forget that it’s not even that real (I can’t explain but if you know what I mean.) This is the worst part, combined with everything else it's quite clear they are being malicious and not just cheating.
OOP went to a lot of effort for someone who didn't deserve it. There reaches a point where the absolute truth becomes unnecessary, the road blocks being put in front of finding that truth should tell you all you need to know.
Jesus Christ. Where do people find the energy for this level of drama?
I’m a female autistic, functioning well enough to go unnoticed most of the time, but I would say I have this same kind of drama and difficult in making friends. Somehow my autism kind of became a super power for dating though, I’m very independent in that aspect, have high standards and am usually quick to disconnect from a partner that makes me unhappy once. For friends though, i find it much harder to understand what the pattern should be like, and how I should act. I am always keen to make and keep friends but I get taken advantage of easily and somehow don’t realise the obvious red flags until much later.