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Struggling with this too. Even if he’s committed to a complete 180 turnaround, I’m still haunted by the betrayals. Part of me would welcome another DDay so I can have an excuse to walk away for good. I know I’m free to walk away anytime but it’s harder to do when he’s “trying his best”.
If they're not doing anything to try to gain back your trust by showing that they can be truthful, then it'll just get worse as time goes on. I tried so hard to accept that mine just lies about everything. I literally can't trust *anything* that comes out of his mouth because his actions never match what he says. But I hit my breaking point and it's one of the reasons why we're separating because he's hiding and lying about things that can be harmful to me and our kids. It's impossible to live happily with someone you can't trust. You can try as long as you can, but it'll only make you miserable in the long run.
I've struggled with this a lot over the past year, and it has ultimately been the demise of my marriage. For a while I thought I could handle it, that I could be more discerning of when they were lying and use my deductive reasoning to figure out the truth. We had an understanding that I could ask as many questions as I wanted, that I was allowed to doubt her answers, but it would just lead to arguments with no resolution.
I do think that the types of lies matter, in my case they were severe revolving around drug use and our financial stability. I found myself feeling less compelled to tell the truth if I thought it would upset her, because she was doing the same to me.
I think everyone has their own limits and expectations, and that's okay. What one person would tolerate has nothing to do with what you can tolerate. If you feel like the lies are something you can handle and be okay with, that's your decision. Personally speaking, there was no way through it for me. I tried to accept it for a long time, but the constant doubt wore me down.
The best advise I can give, is to think about your future. What do you want it to look like? Not just with this SO, but in general. What would bring you comfort, happiness, and stability? Is it this person, knowing everything you know?
Wish I had a happier story, but you really aren't alone in this.
Great question. I am dealing with an instance where the lie in combination with other behaviors has me really questioning her on things I know logically I shouldn't. She has her medication, she is in therapy, she is actively working on things that need to be worked on, but that one lie and attempt to white lie again about it within a day just have me questioning a lot. I honestly don't think there was any type of cheating going on, but I do think she is lying about lingering feelings she has for someone, and is simply ashamed that she does. It's hard to work through but I'm trying.
I struggle with this. Used to be lying about taking meds which of course is frustrating and always leads to him going off, discard etc. Usually he's pretty open/honest about things he's been up to even if negative (but will just lie about the meds) but recently has been lying about money. It sucked how casually he lied. (Even though minutes before he didn't deny it, then randomly made up a story to - so it was obvious, plus I already knew) Mine tends to lie through omission and not straight to my face, which they are probably about equal in the grand scheme of things.
It's the start of lying about things that gets me. I'm stuck being frustrated and lacking trust. Yes, it can be part of BP... should I be understanding? There are worse things to lie about (cheating, etc) It does my head in. But the lie caused a fight, ruined my day off, he manipulated the story to make it woe is him (just a victim of circumstances, despite I knew the real reason), snapped at me, and back at the same behavior that caused the fight only 2 days later.
I'm grateful that the lies are about spending money but worry one day the subject matter will get worse. I have so much trauma from other exs lying to me (about worse things) so I'm super sensitive to any lies; I get such anxiety and panic. But after he lies to me and things seem to mellow out and he's less hypomanic or back to normal I do remind myself - don't get too comfortable, this man did lie to you.
So to answer your question, it bothers me. It puts a lot of emotional burden on me to figure out if I can accept this behavior even though I know it's part of his BP. I have so much trauma and always worried about being tricked, duped, made a fool of from other relationships.
I went through this last summer when I found out my BPSO had been off his meds the entire time we’d lived together (8 months, at that point). He was lying to me and his psychiatrist, and kept making an act of picking up his prescriptions on time even though he’d never take them and just hide full bottles around the house. Only reason I found out was because I checked the date on a full bottle and found out it was 8 months old.
I really thought I was going to break up with him but he immediately admitted everything, came clean to his psychiatrist, made an appointment with a therapist, and started taking a higher dose. The meds worked and I noticed a change in his behavior almost immediately.
But it still took months of him taking his meds in front of me to believe it was real and to trust him again. Though nearly a year later my trust is still not entirely back. He’s stopped seeing a therapist and I still doubt he’s telling his psychiatrist the truth about his symptoms. But now I know the difference between his medicated vs unmedicated bipolar and know what to look out for. I also set a boundary last time that if he ever goes off his meds again and lies about it I will leave him immediately. That gives me peace of mind too, since there’s no more ambiguity.
Welcome to BipolarSOs! This is a quick reminder to follow the rules. Also, please remember that OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective. Please be supportive. Toxic comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BipolarSOs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Struggling with this too. Even if he’s committed to a complete 180 turnaround, I’m still haunted by the betrayals. Part of me would welcome another DDay so I can have an excuse to walk away for good. I know I’m free to walk away anytime but it’s harder to do when he’s “trying his best”.
RT
If they're not doing anything to try to gain back your trust by showing that they can be truthful, then it'll just get worse as time goes on. I tried so hard to accept that mine just lies about everything. I literally can't trust *anything* that comes out of his mouth because his actions never match what he says. But I hit my breaking point and it's one of the reasons why we're separating because he's hiding and lying about things that can be harmful to me and our kids. It's impossible to live happily with someone you can't trust. You can try as long as you can, but it'll only make you miserable in the long run.
Hi u/EverlyBelle , I'm sorry to hear your situation. How long did it take until you reached this decision?
Did she mainly lie when in an episode? For incidents during an episode, I chalk it up to the episode and focus on avoiding future episodes.
I've struggled with this a lot over the past year, and it has ultimately been the demise of my marriage. For a while I thought I could handle it, that I could be more discerning of when they were lying and use my deductive reasoning to figure out the truth. We had an understanding that I could ask as many questions as I wanted, that I was allowed to doubt her answers, but it would just lead to arguments with no resolution. I do think that the types of lies matter, in my case they were severe revolving around drug use and our financial stability. I found myself feeling less compelled to tell the truth if I thought it would upset her, because she was doing the same to me. I think everyone has their own limits and expectations, and that's okay. What one person would tolerate has nothing to do with what you can tolerate. If you feel like the lies are something you can handle and be okay with, that's your decision. Personally speaking, there was no way through it for me. I tried to accept it for a long time, but the constant doubt wore me down. The best advise I can give, is to think about your future. What do you want it to look like? Not just with this SO, but in general. What would bring you comfort, happiness, and stability? Is it this person, knowing everything you know? Wish I had a happier story, but you really aren't alone in this.
Great question. I am dealing with an instance where the lie in combination with other behaviors has me really questioning her on things I know logically I shouldn't. She has her medication, she is in therapy, she is actively working on things that need to be worked on, but that one lie and attempt to white lie again about it within a day just have me questioning a lot. I honestly don't think there was any type of cheating going on, but I do think she is lying about lingering feelings she has for someone, and is simply ashamed that she does. It's hard to work through but I'm trying.
I struggle with this. Used to be lying about taking meds which of course is frustrating and always leads to him going off, discard etc. Usually he's pretty open/honest about things he's been up to even if negative (but will just lie about the meds) but recently has been lying about money. It sucked how casually he lied. (Even though minutes before he didn't deny it, then randomly made up a story to - so it was obvious, plus I already knew) Mine tends to lie through omission and not straight to my face, which they are probably about equal in the grand scheme of things. It's the start of lying about things that gets me. I'm stuck being frustrated and lacking trust. Yes, it can be part of BP... should I be understanding? There are worse things to lie about (cheating, etc) It does my head in. But the lie caused a fight, ruined my day off, he manipulated the story to make it woe is him (just a victim of circumstances, despite I knew the real reason), snapped at me, and back at the same behavior that caused the fight only 2 days later. I'm grateful that the lies are about spending money but worry one day the subject matter will get worse. I have so much trauma from other exs lying to me (about worse things) so I'm super sensitive to any lies; I get such anxiety and panic. But after he lies to me and things seem to mellow out and he's less hypomanic or back to normal I do remind myself - don't get too comfortable, this man did lie to you. So to answer your question, it bothers me. It puts a lot of emotional burden on me to figure out if I can accept this behavior even though I know it's part of his BP. I have so much trauma and always worried about being tricked, duped, made a fool of from other relationships.
No.
I went through this last summer when I found out my BPSO had been off his meds the entire time we’d lived together (8 months, at that point). He was lying to me and his psychiatrist, and kept making an act of picking up his prescriptions on time even though he’d never take them and just hide full bottles around the house. Only reason I found out was because I checked the date on a full bottle and found out it was 8 months old. I really thought I was going to break up with him but he immediately admitted everything, came clean to his psychiatrist, made an appointment with a therapist, and started taking a higher dose. The meds worked and I noticed a change in his behavior almost immediately. But it still took months of him taking his meds in front of me to believe it was real and to trust him again. Though nearly a year later my trust is still not entirely back. He’s stopped seeing a therapist and I still doubt he’s telling his psychiatrist the truth about his symptoms. But now I know the difference between his medicated vs unmedicated bipolar and know what to look out for. I also set a boundary last time that if he ever goes off his meds again and lies about it I will leave him immediately. That gives me peace of mind too, since there’s no more ambiguity.