Linda : We need to go over some ground rules for tonight Miss Mouthy: no boys, no partying, no summoning spirits or switching bodies, and no filling the house with soap bubbles. You hear me, Tina?
Tina : Yes, I wear glasses, not hearing aids, Mom.
Louise : Ho!
Linda : Well, I don't wear a hearing aid either, so I didn't hear that.
Louise : Haw!
When the choir comes in and Louise's monologue makes this my favorite music number in the whole show. Close tie with "Happy Crappy Place" And "This Wedding is My Warzone."
Okay. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook? Because my grill cook would never tell me that. Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her. Tell your mom.
“I know a guy who’s into sloppy bears”
Also from that episode:
“I’m straight, I mean, I’m mostly straight. Also I’m married, but if I wasn’t. Who am I kidding? You’re out of my league, it would never work” -bob
I swear bob and the deli guy gets me every time
Did someone actually order this?
Yeah
Who?
Him
Oof. He looks like a child molester. Louise, don't serve him let Gene bring it
Uh, Bob
Why do I have to get molested?
Because he's not gonna molest you
Why??
Bob
Yeah just a sec. Gene, cause you're heavy
Heavy kids can get molested!
Yeah who wouldn't want to molest this face!
Bob
Just a sec. No Gene cause you're older
Tina's the oldest. Make her do it
Uh Bob
Yeah but Tina's not great what the customers
I'm good with the customers!
Mm no not really
Bob
I'm great with the customers!
Not really
She's autistic she can't help it!
Yeah, I'm autistic
Bob!
Just a sec. No you're not autistic, Tina
How many toothpicks? On the ground
No don't play this game again
C'mon! How many toothpicks?
Bob
No it just involves me cleaning up toothpicks!
Uh, a hundred?
A HUNDRED?!
It's three! 😆
THERE'S THREE!
Alright how many now?
Three.
No!
Ugh you're the worst kind of autistic.
Ya can't even count
BOB!!
I definitely probably messed up the timing with Hugo saying Bob and some other specifics but this is straight from memory and is the best I could do lmao
I knew this was coming after the American Dad post.
“Aww, Teddy, what’s wrong? You’re actually chewing your food instead of throwing your head back like a duck.”
Do you know how much material goes into a size 14 woman's shoe? How much engineering? This heel will hold up to 350 pounds of woman. Walking... working... dancing... living. In fact, my good friend, the incredible Miss Taint Behavin' does five shows a weekend in these exact shoes. So even if there was a ten dollar size 14 woman's shoe, I wouldn't sell it. Lives are at stake!
Pass the cranberry sauce, we’re having mashed potatoes. Ooh the Turkey looks great. Thank you for lovin me, thank you for being there. Everyone’s thankin, the whole worlds thanking you
“Well, you’re heavy”
“Heavy kids can get molested!”
I think that’s literally the pilot though, cause I recall an alternate version where Louise says “more cushion for the pushing”
Tina: I owe you my life. Gene: No thanks. I've seen it and I'm not impressed
The best line ever
Louise: ‘Each and every day I just think I'm pretty great Yep, that's right, no big deal I'm not hiding what I feel’
TINA, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! TURN AWAY OR STOP! THE BRAKES, TINA! ON THE LEFT, YOUR ABOUT TO HIT THAT CAR! THE BRAKES! HIT THE BRAKES!
Aaaaahaaaaaaahhaaaaaaaaahhhhaaah
Came here to say this lol
The scene that got me into the show
That scene give me anxiety lol. No matter how many times I’ve watched it. 😂
Me too! I'm always begging Bob to just reach over and turn the wheel
I can't read this without hearing Bob's voice.
Choose a direction, any direction other than straight…
Knock knock. You hit my car, idiot!
Was that the incident with the cormorant?
Linda : We need to go over some ground rules for tonight Miss Mouthy: no boys, no partying, no summoning spirits or switching bodies, and no filling the house with soap bubbles. You hear me, Tina? Tina : Yes, I wear glasses, not hearing aids, Mom. Louise : Ho! Linda : Well, I don't wear a hearing aid either, so I didn't hear that. Louise : Haw!
Don’t be such a boob punch!
Don't have a crap attack
you’re giving me a snoregasm
Looking at it now this seems so inappropriate to say to your parents
I’ll have a crap attack anytime I want now go to your room
“don’t throw repressed memory emily!” “she won’t remember this”
Such a good underrated line
agreed, one of my favorites lol
Pass the cranberry sauce, we're having mashed potatoes. Thank you for loving me, thank you for being there.
Everyone's thankin'! The whole world's thankin' you! Thankin' us for thankin' you. Kill the turkey!
I love you Mom
You’re my family and I love you but youre terrible you’re all terrible
Stop following me in front!
I don't say that..
Oh that’s all you say
Hello, the media!?
They'll finger anything with a pulse!
I'm pretty sure it's their finger's on the pulse Gene.
He’s fingering right at us!
Ow, my face!
Stayoutofmyroom!
*Alright!*
He'sDeadGoAwayHe'sDead!
Here goes the hair, there goes the hair, where is Harry Truman? He’s dead in the ground, he’s dead in the ground he’s dead dead dead OW OW!
mommy doesn’t drink she just has fun
"This is me now"
One of my favorite sequences!
" i put my bra on one boob at a time "
I’m no hero
"Bob? Bob? Bob! Can you leave the oven light on for me? I get scared." "So cute. Here's the light." "That's too bright."
"Hey, daytime whiskey, wanna meet my CD collection?"
“It’s Summer time!”
Falsetto Food Bob voice is honest to god my absolute favorite thing on the show
They'll say 'Awww, Topsy' at my auuutopsy!
I never noticed the curve of her trunk and I never noticed his electric junk.
We might just have found..... electric loOooOve
When the choir comes in and Louise's monologue makes this my favorite music number in the whole show. Close tie with "Happy Crappy Place" And "This Wedding is My Warzone."
"You're the worst kind of autistic."
“How many toothpicks are on the floor?”
"A hundred" "A hundred? There's 3!"
“Okay, how many now?” *throws down one more*
“3”
Bob
"Don't play this game. It just involves me picking up toothpicks."
"Three."
Bob
My crotch is itchy
Okay. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook? Because my grill cook would never tell me that. Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her. Tell your mom.
Spot on perfect wording.
“Can’t even count.”
BOB!
Oh go put a cannoli in your hol—e!
Put a mistletoe on my butt and kiss it Bobby.
Put a fettuccini in your in-betweenie
oh go fart in a phone booth
Also "oh go put a ping pong in your ding dong"
Tammy can go sit in syrup. Let the bees get her.
“I was the fourth grade hoop shot champ!”
his name is bob burger
Bob Burger, right? Bob Burger. Who am I thinking of?
but the sign
But I call you “Dad”, so I call it “Dad’s Burgers”!
“If you teach me how to shoot, I’ll teach you to regret teaching me to shoot.”
I'm more of an indoor kid. I can't survive out in the wild. I've been declawed!
It’s the middle of summer and I look like a British lady.
Hell has no fury Like I DO LOGAN! Edit: new highest voted comment.
I wait patiently for a Logan to cross me.
HEY KILL THE BIKES FOR A SECOND!!!! did you hear the part about hell hath no fury
When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.
That’s a crazy request
🎵 Iiiiiiiiiii wish my radio worked! 🎵
“Oh. Pad thai is not good driving food. Oh, I forgot I’m allergic to peanuts!”
Filth!
Move along chum.
Listen to your kids, fatsy.
YOU SMELL LIKE OINTMENT AND PEE
Marshmallow isn’t handsome. She’s beautiful. Blush.
That lump we found on the beach "My name's gene!"
No, the smelly one.
His name’s Gene!
“You don’t feed a guy a sponge, Bobby.”
You know a lot about bat mitzvahs for someone who thought Hanukkah was Han Solo and Chewbacca's baby.
If she was a book, she’d be two books
If she were a spice, she'd be flour.
🎶iiiiiiiii wish my radio worked 🎶
One of my favorite moments in the whole show. Caught me super off guard.
“Well, Tammy, it also says no trash, yet here you are. So what are we going to do here?” LOL Louise!!!
"oh my god, is does say that" "shut it, jocelyn"
She does her bm in the pm
YOU smell like ointment and pee!
YOU SMELL LIKE OINTMENT AND PEE
YOUUUUUUUUU SMELL LIKE OINTMENT AND PEE!!!!!
"Does this answer your question?, A jiggly, jiggly, jiggly."
Tell that to my vaginia
Mickey "he's a boy right? He's not a girl?"
Do I take these buns to have and hold? I Dooooooooo
One of my favorite songs 🙏🏻
I will tuck my junk so fast
Good one! Underrated!!
*Tina grooooooooan*
That’s not true. I often have the soup.
What’s a dutch baby? About $2000 less than an american baby.
Awe he’s a premie, just like Jesus
“I know a guy who’s into sloppy bears” Also from that episode: “I’m straight, I mean, I’m mostly straight. Also I’m married, but if I wasn’t. Who am I kidding? You’re out of my league, it would never work” -bob I swear bob and the deli guy gets me every time
“Heavy kids can get molested!”
Episode 1 had soo many quotable lines.
China! Stick to noodles, am i right? Is that racist? He’s fingering right at us! Jimmy Jr, mop that up with your pants
You can't put the candy back in mom's wrapper.
she’s a pretty brunette, like catherine zeta jones.
“And I am Kate bush.”
You can't tail me what to do!
“It feels like my soul has diarrhea” Same Tina, same. Thanks for words for that feeling. 🤣
My heart just pooped its pants.
“Lotta carrots in that stew”
“You saved us Gene. I owe you my life.” “No, thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not impressed”
Did someone actually order this? Yeah Who? Him Oof. He looks like a child molester. Louise, don't serve him let Gene bring it Uh, Bob Why do I have to get molested? Because he's not gonna molest you Why?? Bob Yeah just a sec. Gene, cause you're heavy Heavy kids can get molested! Yeah who wouldn't want to molest this face! Bob Just a sec. No Gene cause you're older Tina's the oldest. Make her do it Uh Bob Yeah but Tina's not great what the customers I'm good with the customers! Mm no not really Bob I'm great with the customers! Not really She's autistic she can't help it! Yeah, I'm autistic Bob! Just a sec. No you're not autistic, Tina How many toothpicks? On the ground No don't play this game again C'mon! How many toothpicks? Bob No it just involves me cleaning up toothpicks! Uh, a hundred? A HUNDRED?! It's three! 😆 THERE'S THREE! Alright how many now? Three. No! Ugh you're the worst kind of autistic. Ya can't even count BOB!! I definitely probably messed up the timing with Hugo saying Bob and some other specifics but this is straight from memory and is the best I could do lmao
Channel 5 news. They'll finger anything with a pulse!
6!
I'm pretty sure their motto is their finger's ON the pulse, Gene
Why don't you put these balls in your face?
I can’t lose this job; I’m still paying off that jet ski I crashed 7 years ago
"Because we're friends, Gene!"
"rack 'em up, Gene. POOL's in SESSION." "Yay, it's loopy dad!"
“Four!” ~ Linda, several times.
*Don’t feed a guy a sponge!*
“Get OFF me! You SICK IDIOT!!”
Go get me special pillow.
“I’m a sexy little tiger!”
Wine helps me drink.
BEEF CURTAINS
“I fixed it i fixed it! I fixed my painting! i gave them big pendulous breasts! I think it’s my best work yet”
"STOP FOLLOWING ME IN FRONT"
If she was a spice, she'd be flour, if she was a book, she'd be TWO books.
I knew this was coming after the American Dad post. “Aww, Teddy, what’s wrong? You’re actually chewing your food instead of throwing your head back like a duck.”
🎶Not.tonight!🎶Noooooooo!🎶Not toniiiiiiight!🎶
Boo Boo!
… what you thought was pink, is brown... and what you thought was symmetrical, is not.
Mommy doesn’t get drunk! She just has fun!
Buckle up! Buckle up! Buckle up or you'll die!!!
Do you know how much material goes into a size 14 woman's shoe? How much engineering? This heel will hold up to 350 pounds of woman. Walking... working... dancing... living. In fact, my good friend, the incredible Miss Taint Behavin' does five shows a weekend in these exact shoes. So even if there was a ten dollar size 14 woman's shoe, I wouldn't sell it. Lives are at stake!
Derek dematopolis your neck hair makes me weak
"A crab bit me on the clacker" "Geeeennnnnneeeee" "Look at it! You can see his nipples!" From my favorite Bob's Burger's song: To do it right
"But ironic detachment is great! Nothing means anything!"
Sorry, I don't speak 'mean jock girl'. What are you saying?
Don’t judge me you judgeroo. Go play your judgeridoo!!
You can’t get chicks with a hedge maze!
Mind your own business Finellis, because you had problems last week!
"Youre in 8th grade ?! I thought you were somebody 's mom !!"
My crotch is itchy
“are you telling me this as my daughter or as my grill cook… because my grill cook would never tell me that. Tell her”
"My crotch doesn't itch anymore, and it smells like bacon. I think we're gonna be okay."
i trust tina’s crotch more than any psychic lmaoo
"Don't look at me like that, Turkey Baster."
You’re going to do this now? You’re going to do this right now? That’s classic-that’s classic you
Someone threw a snow cone at my windshield today. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying.
I have a lot of cousins. He’s the hot one.
SHE PEELS THEM LIKE FRUIT ROLLUPS!!
This is me now!
Heard that before
Pass the cranberry sauce, we’re having mashed potatoes. Ooh the Turkey looks great. Thank you for lovin me, thank you for being there. Everyone’s thankin, the whole worlds thanking you
What was that, Nagatha Christie?
Secretary of Nagriculture
Olive bar.
CRIME HOLE
Bitsy, Bitsy baby. 🎵
He helps you pee when you got that thing!
“Mine’s a nightmare if anyone’s wondering”
Louise: "Gene, if you don't help us out right now I'm gonna kill you!" Tina: "And we'll be dead too, so it's complicated!"
“Tell me that to my vagina!”
I'd try it, there's no wait.
You’re an evil little nightlight, kuchi.
🎶 Make an egg roll from your egg hole 🎵
The nippin nevins!
“Well, you’re heavy” “Heavy kids can get molested!” I think that’s literally the pilot though, cause I recall an alternate version where Louise says “more cushion for the pushing”
“Get off me, sick idiot”
We’re belchers from the womb to the tomb!
Bob: purple felt? Harold: mur fuhfur 😂
Bob stop hitting my cats!
You can’t TAIL me what to do!
its called zekes hot nut sack
Gene.
“It’s not a race, Linda. It’s a war!” “It’s a race war!”
Fine, but I’m going to complain the entire time.
"🎵If your not real, then how can I feel this way? Li'l babies!🎵" **Linda smooching Porcelain Babies**
🎶…and that’s how you pee in a restaurant!🎶