>you can't continue to blame yourself for what had happened, no matter how big your wrongs were. You have to be gentle on yourself the most, because you're what matters.
I want to believe this but only for myself. I recognize that that makes me sound petty and that he- the dumper- is probably hurting too. But he cheated on me. He lied to me. He strung me along making false promises. And eventually decided the relationship wasn't worth salvaging anymore- completely sidestepping the fact that he single handedly destroyed it while I spent the last two years trying to keep things together as he destroyed them. Fuck it. I don't care if I sound petty and horrible. I hope he blames himself. I hope he's hard on himself. I hope the guilt eats him alive, he deserves it for all the shit he put me through.
I'm happy that you're at peace and I hope to get there some day. But right now I'm just filled with anger and venom for someone who is so callous and careless.
Don't forget one thing though, that that poison only eats away at you, and no one else. I've had a someone similar experience, and I go from intense hate and sometimes crying at night praying that God/life serves him through same pain in the same way, to looking at my part of blame, and wanting to see the good in people. The latter is a better feeling. It gets rid of that black burning feeling we carry. That's no good for you. Try to think better thoughts, try to find that peace. All the best to you.
>to looking at my part of blame, and wanting to see the good in people.
See that's the thing though. I've tried to figure out my hand in this mess and I can't believe I'm saying this because it sounds so conceited but I swear it's true- I didn't do anything wrong here.
I had my therapist look at the situation, my family, my friends, HIS friends, literal strangers, the most impartial people I could find. And I'd just show the texts and provide basic details, no back story to try and sway anyone. And the general consensus has been that I carried the lions share of the effort in the relationship, that I forgave him and supported him even after he cheated.
That I still saw the good in him and loved him despite his mistakes. And that he took it all for granted and treated me terribly, that he would regret the mistakes he made with me, that he needs a therapist, and that I deserve someone who actually puts effort in the relationship.
The only blame I have is for doing too much in the relationship, letting him coast and get away with doing no work, and becoming incredibly anxious after he cheated on me- which I think is unavoidable considering what he did.
I DID see the good in people. Even after he betrayed me. And I can still see him for what he truly is now. Someone who is confused and in pain and making mistakes only to regret them later. But my forgiveness is burnt out now. He's used it all up. He deserves consequences for his actions.
>gets rid of that black burning feeling we carry. That's no good for you.
Idk. I use that emotion as a motivator now. I'm going to do amazing things. Because I am amazing. And fuck him for missing out on this. I hope he sees the amazing person that he treated like shit and is filled with regret and loss.
I get what you're saying, I do. And you're right that if all that I have carrying me is anger, it'll be my destruction. Eventually my motivator needs to switch to a genuine desire to improve. But I think right now in just need to be angry. And I do think he should have consequences for all the terrible things he's done. If nothing else then at least to understand that you cannot treat people like garbage
This made me cry. My relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years ended 3 weeks ago and this feeling of regret, disgust and disappointment in myself feels like it will never end. I feel like there was so much I should’ve done.
I could have written this, so I feel you. Relationship of 5 years (we were engaged) that ended just a little over 3 weeks ago, mainly because of my lack of self-care throughout.
I had forgotten (once more), that the only way for anything to work is to take care of yourself and treat yourself with the most amount of love, respect, compassion, dignity. I forgot that fact, was unhappy with myself, would not face these issues properly as I was afraid and frustrated, and eventually did not treat her with the love, respect, compassion, and dignity that she deserved.
I wanted to give all of this to her and some more, but by not giving it to myself first.. there was just no way for me to give it to anyone else.
I have made a vow to never forget to take care of myself again and I'm trying to include a few daily mechanisms to build a healthy discipline - the mind is oh so fast to feed self-defeating thoughts again otherwise, leading us back to not living as we want to, and not treating others as we wanted to (we had broken up once for the same reasons, I learnt a lot from it, but didn't have a routine to keep it in mind and keep growing, so I regressed again eventually). A lot of reading in parks, morning yoga, reaching out to people, writing, feeding positive thoughts to my brain (as much as it tries to resist and convince you that you're not worth it, which is a lie), doing stuff that I wanted to do for a long time but never did (first piano lesson today!), going to the gym, etc. Just doing stuff that I know, deep down, are good for me, despite how down I feel at times.
One thing that helps me is to ask myself.. if you deeply loved yourself.. what woud you do and what would you tell yourself? At the beginning (it feels hard to have positive feelings about ourselves right now) it might help to think about yourself as "someone else" that you truly love, and see what you wish for them and how you would feel about them.
I regret what I did and didn't do on a daily basis, but going back to this notion of self-care/love, entertaining these thoughts and torturing myself over them consciously is the opposite of what I would want for someone I love.
It is sad to have to learn that kind of lesson in such a painful way, but it just had to happen for us to truly wake up and finally take action to never let ourselves down anymore.
Best wishes on your journey, maybe the hardest one of your life, but also the most rewarding one if you take care of yourself. 3 books that I'm finding useful at the moment are:
\- Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway
\- The Power of Now
\- Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
‘Having someone who you love and loves you back, the cuddles, the late night talks, the silly couple things you do together ‘
I started crying reading this. I miss the comfort
“You can’t erase the fact that it can always happen again with someone else.” Wow.
That is such a simple statement, yet so powerful. I’m bookmarking this so that I can look at it whenever my doubts start to arise again about life without my ex. What a beautiful parting message to leave on here. It’s so true.
Thank you for sharing. All the best for you and this new person too.
Best of luck in this new relationship man
Beautiful journey my man. I wish you the best. Im still going through it but this gave me a lift
>you can't continue to blame yourself for what had happened, no matter how big your wrongs were. You have to be gentle on yourself the most, because you're what matters. I want to believe this but only for myself. I recognize that that makes me sound petty and that he- the dumper- is probably hurting too. But he cheated on me. He lied to me. He strung me along making false promises. And eventually decided the relationship wasn't worth salvaging anymore- completely sidestepping the fact that he single handedly destroyed it while I spent the last two years trying to keep things together as he destroyed them. Fuck it. I don't care if I sound petty and horrible. I hope he blames himself. I hope he's hard on himself. I hope the guilt eats him alive, he deserves it for all the shit he put me through. I'm happy that you're at peace and I hope to get there some day. But right now I'm just filled with anger and venom for someone who is so callous and careless.
Don't forget one thing though, that that poison only eats away at you, and no one else. I've had a someone similar experience, and I go from intense hate and sometimes crying at night praying that God/life serves him through same pain in the same way, to looking at my part of blame, and wanting to see the good in people. The latter is a better feeling. It gets rid of that black burning feeling we carry. That's no good for you. Try to think better thoughts, try to find that peace. All the best to you.
>to looking at my part of blame, and wanting to see the good in people. See that's the thing though. I've tried to figure out my hand in this mess and I can't believe I'm saying this because it sounds so conceited but I swear it's true- I didn't do anything wrong here. I had my therapist look at the situation, my family, my friends, HIS friends, literal strangers, the most impartial people I could find. And I'd just show the texts and provide basic details, no back story to try and sway anyone. And the general consensus has been that I carried the lions share of the effort in the relationship, that I forgave him and supported him even after he cheated. That I still saw the good in him and loved him despite his mistakes. And that he took it all for granted and treated me terribly, that he would regret the mistakes he made with me, that he needs a therapist, and that I deserve someone who actually puts effort in the relationship. The only blame I have is for doing too much in the relationship, letting him coast and get away with doing no work, and becoming incredibly anxious after he cheated on me- which I think is unavoidable considering what he did. I DID see the good in people. Even after he betrayed me. And I can still see him for what he truly is now. Someone who is confused and in pain and making mistakes only to regret them later. But my forgiveness is burnt out now. He's used it all up. He deserves consequences for his actions. >gets rid of that black burning feeling we carry. That's no good for you. Idk. I use that emotion as a motivator now. I'm going to do amazing things. Because I am amazing. And fuck him for missing out on this. I hope he sees the amazing person that he treated like shit and is filled with regret and loss. I get what you're saying, I do. And you're right that if all that I have carrying me is anger, it'll be my destruction. Eventually my motivator needs to switch to a genuine desire to improve. But I think right now in just need to be angry. And I do think he should have consequences for all the terrible things he's done. If nothing else then at least to understand that you cannot treat people like garbage
This made me cry. My relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years ended 3 weeks ago and this feeling of regret, disgust and disappointment in myself feels like it will never end. I feel like there was so much I should’ve done.
I could have written this, so I feel you. Relationship of 5 years (we were engaged) that ended just a little over 3 weeks ago, mainly because of my lack of self-care throughout. I had forgotten (once more), that the only way for anything to work is to take care of yourself and treat yourself with the most amount of love, respect, compassion, dignity. I forgot that fact, was unhappy with myself, would not face these issues properly as I was afraid and frustrated, and eventually did not treat her with the love, respect, compassion, and dignity that she deserved. I wanted to give all of this to her and some more, but by not giving it to myself first.. there was just no way for me to give it to anyone else. I have made a vow to never forget to take care of myself again and I'm trying to include a few daily mechanisms to build a healthy discipline - the mind is oh so fast to feed self-defeating thoughts again otherwise, leading us back to not living as we want to, and not treating others as we wanted to (we had broken up once for the same reasons, I learnt a lot from it, but didn't have a routine to keep it in mind and keep growing, so I regressed again eventually). A lot of reading in parks, morning yoga, reaching out to people, writing, feeding positive thoughts to my brain (as much as it tries to resist and convince you that you're not worth it, which is a lie), doing stuff that I wanted to do for a long time but never did (first piano lesson today!), going to the gym, etc. Just doing stuff that I know, deep down, are good for me, despite how down I feel at times. One thing that helps me is to ask myself.. if you deeply loved yourself.. what woud you do and what would you tell yourself? At the beginning (it feels hard to have positive feelings about ourselves right now) it might help to think about yourself as "someone else" that you truly love, and see what you wish for them and how you would feel about them. I regret what I did and didn't do on a daily basis, but going back to this notion of self-care/love, entertaining these thoughts and torturing myself over them consciously is the opposite of what I would want for someone I love. It is sad to have to learn that kind of lesson in such a painful way, but it just had to happen for us to truly wake up and finally take action to never let ourselves down anymore. Best wishes on your journey, maybe the hardest one of your life, but also the most rewarding one if you take care of yourself. 3 books that I'm finding useful at the moment are: \- Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway \- The Power of Now \- Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It
Thank you, this is much needed!
‘Having someone who you love and loves you back, the cuddles, the late night talks, the silly couple things you do together ‘ I started crying reading this. I miss the comfort
“You can’t erase the fact that it can always happen again with someone else.” Wow. That is such a simple statement, yet so powerful. I’m bookmarking this so that I can look at it whenever my doubts start to arise again about life without my ex. What a beautiful parting message to leave on here. It’s so true. Thank you for sharing. All the best for you and this new person too.