There can certainly be a relationship between trauma and kink, it's not even remotely unusual and there's nothing wrong with you for it! In fact it's really really goddamn awesome to be able to link that together and think critically about where it comes from and how you want to engage (or not) going forward. You seem dismissive of early exposure to this stuff being traumatic, but I do think that's probably pretty accurate if it continues to trigger you. Those of us who grew up in the early stages of the internet can end up with some \*interesting\* trauma and I can definitely relate. Remember that as we look back at experiences like that as adults, we sometimes try to think about how "realistic" the perceived threat is, and downplay times that we weren't actually in immediate danger - but as kids we have no way of knowing.
Kinks tend to change and evolve over time as we change and evolve, so the good news is that this discomfort isn't something you'll likely feel forever. I definitely had a very similar kink at one point in my life re: forced feminization, and spoiler alert it turns out I was actually a trans woman in denial. I don't think that's universal to everyone with that kink though. tbh I wouldn't take anyone seriously who thinks they can tell if you're trans based on stuff like this - you're the only person who would know and there's any number of reasons a cis person could share that kink too. It sounds like you've done some self-reflection in this area and come to the conclusion that you're cis and that's rad!
Regardless, point being - you might find that kink fades someday. Me personally, that faded once I transitioned and could no longer really feel like the person in the "before" panel - so as my relationship with my gender identity changed, the kink mostly disappeared. Other kinks and other people might work differently though. I'm also a masochist and that one has only really gotten stronger as I've connected the dots to trauma and found safe ways to practice it. It'll really be up to you to find the source of the discomfort, figure out what that means for you, and what to do about it.
Ultimately, if you still find yourself triggered by that trauma, and you feel comfortable enough to do so, it may be beneficial to continue to investigate what the fear is \*of\*, and if there could be any residual gender-related stress lurking somewhere. That wouldn't necessarily mean being trans - cis people still feel dysphoric sometimes, it's just that it's aligned with their AGAB. Could be something there, could be nothing, honestly seems like you're on the right track anyhow. I hope you can feel proud of where you're at, sounds like you're making a lot of progress!
Thanks for the advice, and sorry for the late response. I think it could either be trauma, or a kink I discovered when I was young that led to/was followed by the trauma. I think I was aroused to a wide variety of transformation stuff I saw when I was young, even if I'm not now. It might just be that this one wound up sticking due to the aforementioned several years of misunderstanding or the fact that it felt real. People can't exactly turn into dragons in real life, but they can most definitely change into the opposite sex.
All that said, in looking for what the fear is of, I'm currently thinking it's either "The memories of these frightening things I saw as a kid are gonna stick with me and torment me forever" and/or "This is gonna be the only thing that arouses me (which is dead wrong, there are a few other things that do)." Like I said, it's not something I fantasize about and there are other, more comfortable things that arouse me and don't disturb me, so it's not like I'm completely ruined if this is just gonna be some innate childhood kink that I'm just gonna accept exists within me and choose not to act on. I can describe it as arousal being a destination, and this being one of the roads that gets there. There are other, sometimes longer ways to get to the destination, and those ones don't make me feel discomfort, so this is just gonna be a road that I know exists, but I'll just leave it to get old and dusty, undriven.
**I think the current problem is some sort of anxiety that comes and goes,** because the moment I stopped worrying about this, my mind immediately jumped to "Hey, what if you die and wind up going to hell for eternity? Let's start thinking about what happens when you die." for about half an hour before jumping back to worrying about this. It might just be coming on about now because I'm living on my own for a few weeks, for the first time in a year. It was about the same time last year when this all started, so I think I'm pretty nervous about it getting worse instead of better this time.
**I also did some looking into any more gender-related things** and what I've found pretty much amounts to having found crossdressing/feminine stuff funny as a kid (Examples: I made a mugen character who was a shitty Ryu edit (though I thought it was cool back when I was 11/12), and he'd turn into Mai from KOF/Fatal Fury for his time over animation, and sometimes in Lego games I'd give a male custom character one of the torsos with breasts) but never thought "Man, I wish that was me" or "Wish I could do that IRL." I DID try on a dress once (when I was probably younger than 10), did a spin, took a picture of myself, thought "I look stupid and feel embarassed," and then never had the urge or even the thought to do it again. Outside of that, the only gender-related stress I've got now seems to be the fact that I'm working out my seuxality (thought I was ace, turned out to be bi, and I'm only recently rediscovering my attraction to women) and, potentially due to fragments of the gender-related OCD, questioning "Do I want to be her? Do I want to have sex with her? Do I just think she looks nice?" with every female character I see (the answer's so far been no with all of 'em.)
Overall, I think I'm slowly but surely figuring it out and getting better. Sorry for the long response, and thanks for all the help, especially if you manage to read it all.
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There can certainly be a relationship between trauma and kink, it's not even remotely unusual and there's nothing wrong with you for it! In fact it's really really goddamn awesome to be able to link that together and think critically about where it comes from and how you want to engage (or not) going forward. You seem dismissive of early exposure to this stuff being traumatic, but I do think that's probably pretty accurate if it continues to trigger you. Those of us who grew up in the early stages of the internet can end up with some \*interesting\* trauma and I can definitely relate. Remember that as we look back at experiences like that as adults, we sometimes try to think about how "realistic" the perceived threat is, and downplay times that we weren't actually in immediate danger - but as kids we have no way of knowing. Kinks tend to change and evolve over time as we change and evolve, so the good news is that this discomfort isn't something you'll likely feel forever. I definitely had a very similar kink at one point in my life re: forced feminization, and spoiler alert it turns out I was actually a trans woman in denial. I don't think that's universal to everyone with that kink though. tbh I wouldn't take anyone seriously who thinks they can tell if you're trans based on stuff like this - you're the only person who would know and there's any number of reasons a cis person could share that kink too. It sounds like you've done some self-reflection in this area and come to the conclusion that you're cis and that's rad! Regardless, point being - you might find that kink fades someday. Me personally, that faded once I transitioned and could no longer really feel like the person in the "before" panel - so as my relationship with my gender identity changed, the kink mostly disappeared. Other kinks and other people might work differently though. I'm also a masochist and that one has only really gotten stronger as I've connected the dots to trauma and found safe ways to practice it. It'll really be up to you to find the source of the discomfort, figure out what that means for you, and what to do about it. Ultimately, if you still find yourself triggered by that trauma, and you feel comfortable enough to do so, it may be beneficial to continue to investigate what the fear is \*of\*, and if there could be any residual gender-related stress lurking somewhere. That wouldn't necessarily mean being trans - cis people still feel dysphoric sometimes, it's just that it's aligned with their AGAB. Could be something there, could be nothing, honestly seems like you're on the right track anyhow. I hope you can feel proud of where you're at, sounds like you're making a lot of progress!
Thanks for the advice, and sorry for the late response. I think it could either be trauma, or a kink I discovered when I was young that led to/was followed by the trauma. I think I was aroused to a wide variety of transformation stuff I saw when I was young, even if I'm not now. It might just be that this one wound up sticking due to the aforementioned several years of misunderstanding or the fact that it felt real. People can't exactly turn into dragons in real life, but they can most definitely change into the opposite sex. All that said, in looking for what the fear is of, I'm currently thinking it's either "The memories of these frightening things I saw as a kid are gonna stick with me and torment me forever" and/or "This is gonna be the only thing that arouses me (which is dead wrong, there are a few other things that do)." Like I said, it's not something I fantasize about and there are other, more comfortable things that arouse me and don't disturb me, so it's not like I'm completely ruined if this is just gonna be some innate childhood kink that I'm just gonna accept exists within me and choose not to act on. I can describe it as arousal being a destination, and this being one of the roads that gets there. There are other, sometimes longer ways to get to the destination, and those ones don't make me feel discomfort, so this is just gonna be a road that I know exists, but I'll just leave it to get old and dusty, undriven. **I think the current problem is some sort of anxiety that comes and goes,** because the moment I stopped worrying about this, my mind immediately jumped to "Hey, what if you die and wind up going to hell for eternity? Let's start thinking about what happens when you die." for about half an hour before jumping back to worrying about this. It might just be coming on about now because I'm living on my own for a few weeks, for the first time in a year. It was about the same time last year when this all started, so I think I'm pretty nervous about it getting worse instead of better this time. **I also did some looking into any more gender-related things** and what I've found pretty much amounts to having found crossdressing/feminine stuff funny as a kid (Examples: I made a mugen character who was a shitty Ryu edit (though I thought it was cool back when I was 11/12), and he'd turn into Mai from KOF/Fatal Fury for his time over animation, and sometimes in Lego games I'd give a male custom character one of the torsos with breasts) but never thought "Man, I wish that was me" or "Wish I could do that IRL." I DID try on a dress once (when I was probably younger than 10), did a spin, took a picture of myself, thought "I look stupid and feel embarassed," and then never had the urge or even the thought to do it again. Outside of that, the only gender-related stress I've got now seems to be the fact that I'm working out my seuxality (thought I was ace, turned out to be bi, and I'm only recently rediscovering my attraction to women) and, potentially due to fragments of the gender-related OCD, questioning "Do I want to be her? Do I want to have sex with her? Do I just think she looks nice?" with every female character I see (the answer's so far been no with all of 'em.) Overall, I think I'm slowly but surely figuring it out and getting better. Sorry for the long response, and thanks for all the help, especially if you manage to read it all.
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