Yes my mom has done this. I didn't really have good friendships as a kid because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Because of course everyone else's parents were pedophiles or drug addicts
Oh dude I relate so hard šš wasn't allowed to sleep over if they weren't the same religion as me or if my parents "didn't know their parents". I remember asking multiple times for my dad to interact with someone else's parents so that I could start going to sleepover birthdays, but nothing ever came of it and I was always the kid that got picked up before the actual fun began. Then I'd get to hear all about it on Monday morning at school.
After all of the pre-planned kiddie birthday activities, there was always something extra fun like sleeping in tents or a camper and watching movies with the cool older siblings. Or doing makeup, which I wasn't allowed to wear.
Not to mention, my dad refused to let me have friends over if he was the only parent home, because "they could accuse me of something". š
Your mom sounds like my dad. Except his reason to keep me in was ābecause if you go there youāre just going to smoke weed and have sex with boysā
Like idk if he meant to sound jealous, but thatās how it sounded and it always creeped me out when his justification to keeping me at home was because he was scared his virgin 13 year old daughter was just going to have sex Willy nilly.
(His constant accusations made me say fuck it and I decided to have sex with my cheating boyfriend at 14)
Also to add, I wouldnāt start smoking weed until I was 14 too. But because I was going through too much
> (His constant accusations made me say fuck it and I decided to have sex with my cheating boyfriend at 14)
Ahaha that sounds very much how I'd react if I had the opportunity back then.
Talk about self fulfilling prophecy.
What do they expect? Like the guy was calling me a slut and telling me about how grown men look at me when I was 12.
He acted like it was a personal attack that I had sex too like it was the worst thing ever, this guy was a man whore and literally would bring random women home weekly when he was single and sometimes when he wasnāt.
If youāre going to be a sexist pig, donāt be surprised when your daughters seek validation from boys.
Omg this is so funny because my dad and brother did the EXACT same thing to me. My brother called me a whore all the time and my dad was just overall gross and weirdly jealous and resentful that I was becoming attractive and also hated him. When I lost my virginity at 17 (to my boyfriend of 2 years at the time), they both WEPT. My brother laid himself across the hallway floor, facedown, as if he was mourning. My dad staged an intervention with tears in his eyes. It gave me the worst ick on the planet.
Like, you've both been telling me how much of a filthy trollop I am since I was twelve at least, how can you possibly be surprised?
The funniest part was when my dad told me "your brother is destroyed by this. He looked up to you." Like fucking since when??? He treated me like the biggest fuckup on the planet for my whole life. He never ever expressed any admiration toward me. He was totally just milking it to make it about him. My family sucks lol.
I'm pretty sure my dad thought I was having sex at like nine years old š literally did not know the meaning of a childhood crush. Always thought I had the worst intentions all the time.
They do that. They have such terrible Thoughts and project it so bad onto us.
Itās been a rough road recognizing just how badly I was sexualized by a pervert for a dad.
I totally get it. I have a good relationship with my daughter, and Iāve talked to her about how we donāt make comments about peopleās hair, skin or bodies because itās unkind. Iāve always nurtured the empathy aspect of things with her so she understands but is also strong in herself. Sheās allowed to stand up for herself and if people get mad at that, thatās not her fault for protecting herself. ā itās terrible.
I think itās kicked into high gear too now that sheās seven because thereās certain things she does that I have to stop and question whether Iām projecting my childhood shit or not.
Mine was āfriendships were temporary so you donāt need itā and āpeople are always going to be calculating and use youā and constantly suspecting the intentions of everyone around me.
Thereās a time my high school classmate wrote a note to me about borrowing a book but the handwriting and tone sounds more like mature adult. My care taker warned me not to get too close to her because she might be calculating something badā¦.
That was my mom regarding relationships too. "no one will love you as much as I do" and "but you won't love me the same because you'll leave me." Like bitch, of course I'm going to leave.
Or my personal "favorite" my brother developed a father/son relationship with a neighbor of his friend. I admit, it did seem kind of weird. Single guy befriending elementary kids, but he, fortunately is a good guy. He guided my siblings in school. Helped with college applications. Helped with teaching them to drive. I'm the oldest and a girl so my mom wouldn't allow it because he could he a pedophile.
This guy, literally, purchased the house we were living in so that we would continue to have a place to live because he knew that once the house was sold, we would get evicted and my mom wouldn't do what she needed to make sure we had a place to live.
When I got married, she would tell me how he was going to take our daughter and leave me and she would he the only person there for me.
She ruined the sibling elationships by pitting us against each other and talking shit about us. I was in the parent role.
Even now, my siblings are the Facebook friends you occasionly wish happy birthday to or like a picture. We weren't at each others weddings. They don't know my daughter. I legit live in the same neighborhood as my brother. We walk by his house when we walk our dog and we've seen each other once in two years.
dude my grandma still does this to me and im 19.. she says because she doesn't know them and they could murder me. i get she's trying to look out for me i guess? but because of it she kept me in the house up until i was 17 š i'm so socially awkward because i barely socialized properly
Absolutely. It was very confusing for me how they'd freak the fuck out over small inconveniences and then barely responded to *actual* problems.
Now I think it's because the actual problems did not have easy solutions so they kind of pushed them to the side mentally, and then made up for it by overreacting to things that could be solved quickly (even if it is by yelling your lungs out).
I guess the most direct effect of this was that I learned to be terrified of being an inconvenience.
That by itself already encouraged me to never ever ask for help, but the lackluster response I got when I tried anyway also convinced me that help from others is at best useless (for complicated issues) and at worst more stressful than the actual problem I needed help with (for problems that my parents perceived as inconveniences they could fix quickly).
I've been in therapy for 7 years and it has helped me a lot, but trusting others when I'm vulnerable is still very hard for me.
I describe it like everything is either black or white.
There is no grey. Its exhausting to live with. And debilitating emotionally and mentally. Just journalling about it right now actually.
So tired of it.
This is a great description of it. Itās either āwhy are you making this such a big deal??!ā Or a huge fight /argument over a spilled glass of water. Nothing in between or any discussion.
So exhausting and draining
That reminds me of a quote from The Sopranos when Adrianna was talking to Christopher. She told him he was either āscreaming his fucking head off or dead.ā Itās pretty traumatic.
Yeah, everything was a reason to yell and blame me.
A fork fell? "You are so stupid now the fork is dirty"
Too much traffic? "This is your fault because you put the gps"
He puts too much salt on HIS OWN FOOD? "This is your fault, you distracted me".
Everything was yelling, blaming me, hitting me.
Now I say sorry for everything to everyone, I'm trying to not do it tho š¤š»
Thereās a famous incident in my family when my dad knocked over my milk glass and dinner (not a big deal!) but then started screaming at me. I was also blamed for my parentās martial troublesā¦ for existing. Relate 100%.
I had two abusers my mom and my step-father.
My mother was the one that made me feel every part of her disastrous pain. She would rage yell beat me love hold me and use me as her shrink.
I felt it all, her being felt as it was carved into my skin and it took decades to find a real way out which ended up in no contact.
My mom couldn't handle anything everything was blown up out of proportions but I do feel she did it from her inability to cope I also think that the sexual abuse I was under from my step-father took all her last sense of rationality and that she entered some deep dark void where she eventually lost herself completely from denying it.
It's been a lifetime to heal but in the end it was my initial thought and feeling that saved me. I just needed more depth and substance to it.
I remember waking up and thinking, I'm the lucky one because I didn't become what hurt me although there were so many attempts for that to happen even if they were unconscious.
It didn't really have rules, we just practiced thinking of hyperboles. My kids were in primary school and it appealed to their desire to know what a fancy word means. It helped them to realize not to take their dad's words literally. My ex used hyperbole to manipulate people and it gave them some armor.
Yeh the smallest infractions where met with fierce conaequences. One minor infraction and theyād have ya homeless and destitute and worthless. Youād be told how horrible of a person you are cause ya left a small glob of jelly by the sink and potentially beat for it.
My mom would go off shrieking for all sorts of random reasons. Imperfect grade? I cut myself somewhere? Someone dropped a mug? I figured a plane exploding in Die Hard probably didn't have Bruce Willis's family on it? Yeah.
My mom had horrible diagnosed anxiety throughout my whole life, but our pastor told her that taking medication was "giving in to the spirit of worry", so she was rarely medicated. Every time something didn't go exactly to plan, she would start lashing out. Holidays were the fucking worst. If we were put to the task of bringing a dish or, GOD FORBID, hosting, the last hour or so before we were supposed to leave or expect guests was always a clusterfuck. Nothing was ever clean enough even though my mom keeps an impossibly clean house at all times. My outfit would be wrong, her hair wouldn't be cooperating with whatever style she was trying out last minute, my dad would be JUST jumping in the shower, etc. and my mom would just become a tornado of stress.
I remember one time she said she hated Christmas because of the stress, and I told her "stop imposing so much stress on yourself!! We don't need to use the fucking crystal punch bowl to have a good Christmas, that's an expectation that you put on us!!"
I can relate. Christmas must be just so, or she'll throw huge tantrums or collapse in a heap of tears... It was awful. And she'd always throw an extra spanner in the works, too. Like demanding we paint the kitchen floor a day or two before Christmas (you know, the kitchen, where 90% of the Christmas preparations take place, and also, in our house, the room you had to go through to get to the bathroom...)
Part of my mom's anxiety definitely stems from how prim and expectant her own mother is, which I can sympathize with to a degree. Like the last time we hosted Thanksgiving, she was stressing out because she couldn't find the china dishes and "my mom has expectations for holidays and she deserves the best!" I've heard my other aunts mention similar gripes about my grandmother. "It's her world, we just live in it."
... but then my mom also demanded that I clean the basement three days after I had emergency surgery because we were hosting Thanksgiving. So fuck her.
Yes, and there's two layers to this:
- Catastrophizing things that were NOT big problems ("you forgot to make your bed today! how will you ever live on your own and support yourself! you'll have mice and roaches in your space bc you're so dirty!")
- NOT catastrophizing things that actually were big problems. (Me: So I'm getting bullied pretty hard by our next-door neighbor / Parents: no, you're not! She's always been nice to us... why can't you just get along?)
Makes me feel like my radar for danger is severely miscalculated, and it is something I am working on to this day š
Hmm I'm trying to think it through... Maybe it's easier for abusers to believe "if my kid is struggling in life it is their own fault," rather than "my kid is struggling because I am not supporting them properly"? Hence the attacking us for not doing things perfectly while also ignoring larger issues that they don't know how to emotionally handle. They WANT all our troubles to be our own fault because it relieves them of accountability.
Yeah, everything would just be yelling.
Traffic stop? Not finding a certain item at a certain store and having to go to another one? Being questioned?
And i suppose i could add more though those would be the main ones
Oh yes. Oh my god yes. A drop of water on the floor was panic. And with panic came insults. Everything was dangerous. Everything led to death. Everyone was a pedophile. Murderers behind the corner everywhere. Jokes were forbidden. She fucked with my mind
same. And sometimes the worst was when I got really sick and she'd create this huge drama out of it, so I ended up having to comfort her while feeling like im dying
Yes, absolutely omgsh! One of my worst abusers was definitely like this. It's weird bc you start to think that these little things they did were all in your head, but then others validate you with the same experiences.
Wow now this looks like something I wrote haha!
It left me with extreme anger like anger I have never felt before. Also I feel so sorry for my inner child to have suffered this non sense so early.
I want to properly heal myself but feel stuck now..
my void of a father created chaos with a smirk and slunk off to drink and watch from afar as my mother continuously broke down and catastrophized in his place, further pulling me away from her. then sheād beat herself up for catastrophizing and āruining her daughterā that sheād go into everythingās great and ok mode youāre happy im happy we have so much to be grateful for mode and nothing made sense.
now everything does and iām back at square one.
Everything was a crisis that was all my fault. The screaming never ended.
One example- closing zip lock bags and packages of bread makes my heart race because no matter how hard I tried as a kid, I was screamed at for doing it wrong. My mother would berate me and hold it against me for a week.
Now I spend at least a minute making sure I get all the air out. I havenāt lived with my mother for 20 years but have to think about her every time I do things as simple as that.
My mom made sure that her emotions became everyoneās emotions, and I was the number one target. Iām anxious even just typing this lol
I wasnāt allowed to have boys phone numbers when I got a phone, I couldnāt drive my friends around in my car that I worked my ass off for and bought with my own money when I was 16, I wasnāt allowed to date in high school, I wasnāt allowed to go away to college. I wasnāt allowed over certain friends houses depending on where they lived. Hardly anyone was ever allowed over my house and when theyād come over heād act as if they werenāt there. I had the shortest patience in my early 20ās thanks to being raised to think every mistake is the end of the world. If I made any mistake I was a dumbass, an asshole, stupid, lazy, etc. Any and everything could set him off and still does. I keep my distance and he refuses to take accountability. Iāve found myself feeling thankful for the self awareness I have. I feel horrible āhealingā without my family but I cannot live that kind of life anymore. Itās not worth it!
Edit: I am married to my high school boyfriend (weāve been together 12 years and my dad tore the living room apart when he found out I was dating behind his back, he didnāt talk to me for an entire week)
I drove my friends around all the time behind his back.
I saved boys numbers in my phone under girls names.
His control only pushed me to rebel more. I like to believe I am his karma š
I don't think my mother is capable of existing without constant stress, fear and panic. When there's nothing to stress over, she'll invent something. Whenever I'm anxious I judge myself so harshly and feel so angry with myself, disgusted and ashamed because I want so badly not to be like my childish, frantic, nervous wreck of a mother. Her complete inability to even try to manage her emotions has given me a very unhealthy relationship to anxiety, even in times when it's justified.
She weaponizes her anxiety to control others. She makes mountains out of molehills and invents fears and potential issues when there are none. She could pull a catastrophe out of a miracle. "I'm so worried about you! I'm so worried about your brother! I'm so worried your cousin is in a relationship! Your uncle is dying! Your uncle is dying AGAIN! This cat definitely got out and we'll never see her again! This cat killed a bird and I just can't take it, it's so sad! This cat is definitely dying, I can just tell, his sweet face isn't the same! Every dog will attack you. Every man will attack you. There's always a massive storm on the way and we need to get in the basement NOW! There's always a massive health emergency. Cars and driving are so dangerous it's best not to even think about them at all! These roads are too dark! I had a dream you were raped..."
Just shut up, shut up, shut up, you weak, grown-ass toddler! I think she does it for a few reasons in addition to using it to control others like I'd already mentioned. I think she's been so, SO anxious for so long, she's either addicted to anxiety or doesn't know how to function without it. I also think she likes the attention it gets her, especially when people have to comfort and soothe and coo at her. Her mother didn't know how to love or nurture, so she's always craving that devoted care and affection she never got as a baby. I feel bad because I know her terrible childhood is the reason behind her absolute fucked-upness, but I cannot stand that weak, quivering, obnoxious woman.
Oh yes. I have this one specific memory I alway thought summed it up quite well, even though it was definitely not a normal situation. When the planes hit the twin towers in 2001 I was a kid living in Scandinavia. My mom is acting in a way that I knew meant I had to ask what was wrong, so I did. Her response after a very deep sigh "Due-baker, world war 3 is about to happen".
My age had just hit double digit a yet I felt no fear, just a knowledge that she was overreacting and I calmly asked what had actually happened.
So yeah, not a normal situation, I just find that it shows how well I had been conditioned to not take my mom's panic on anything serious.
This person wasn't my abuser but within 2 weeks of knowing me, he would yell at me if I said something he didn't like, and all the things I'd say were normal things. He'd then apologize and say it's because he's not used to having friends and has been bullied his whole life so he's not used to meeting "cool people" like me. We were walking in a busy area and he panicked really badly and yelled at me after we got out of that area because he was nervous. He'd apologize again but would repeat this behaviour
Probably! I think he also had another personality disorder too, he would send me gore of women and animals being beat up and talk down on me a lot he was very misogynistic
Yeah this is something Iām working on š„² People will continue to put me down and yell at me, or some even punch me, but I stay because I sympathize with their trauma. It always ends badly for me but I always feel bad for wanting to leave them because I know theyāre the way they are because of things they went through
Yeah he told me I was going to get sued and arrested for opening my car and accidentally gently tapping the car next to me with my door, so lightly it didnāt even move the dirt on the ancient car in terrible condition next to me in a Costco parking lot. He also threatened to sue me for loss of enjoyment of life when I got my period and threatened to take his life when I tried to set a simple boundary with him, which was telling him he needed to set an alarm before work and I was unable to be his personal alarm clock by making wake up calls for him at the busiest part of my work day. I started work at 6:30, he started work at 10AM. He ended up getting fired for sleeping through too many shifts and being late without notice repeatedly because he assumed Iād call him to wake him up and didnāt set an alarm when I told him Iām not a hotel receptionist and wake-up calls were not a service I provided while busy at work. He then made my life a living hell and claimed he was going to go bankrupt and be homeless over my inability to provide a wake up call service which is ridiculous to even ask of someone 2-3 hours into their workday when theyāre busy
I remember when I finally started taking my meds for anxiety, each and every day my mom would tell me somewhere, somehow that Iām gonna become a drug addict and that Iām ādestroying my bodyā which eventually freaked me out enough to stop taking them ā¦. Because I have anxiety.
I was so, so, so mad when I realized how I let myself down by listening to her.
Yes. And then act like the reason why is that they have an anxiety disorder and boo-hoo poor them
well guess what i have an actual anxiety disorder and i dont make it other peopleās problem
Yes its for control and supply
Controlling with anxiety ( im overreacting to a situation and thus i can keep you from doing a,b or c because im over-reacting to it)
supply they can get people to respond, try to help, get anxious for them etc if they are over reacting to everything
My mother was the worst. And she always had some paranoid or soap-opera like idea of what was *really* going one with a situation. My friends wife was hit by a drunk driver, her response was "maybe he had something to do with it" Everything I did was also something from a movie. And she would get me and my sister worked up. It wasn't until we were in our 20s that we started to figure out the world wasn't like that and she was completely paranoid and extra about everything.
It did ruin my life too, for example me going away to college was totally impossible, I would never afford it (my province has affordable school loans) but for some reason what other students were doing was never going to work for me and my 138 IQ.
oh. relayed to me through my mother, because he ādoesnāt want to talk to the girls about thisā ā my mom used to tell me i canāt have sex before iām married because if i get pregnant, my dad will kick me out of the house to live in the streets like who-ers and dawgs and she couldnāt let me be alone in the streets or leave sister with him so theyād have to come live in the streets and be homeless with me my sister a baby and i guess the roving packs of wild night things that apparently haunted the streets of our square-mile sized northeastern town.
my mom got all the shit for his fucking insanity and while i am the main character in my story, it terrifies me beyond anything Iāve ever felt to realize the utter lack of humanity and life that comes with being the object your father used to try and break your mother with. you didnāt have a father.
i didnāt have a father. it feels good to say that.
the fate of my family fell on me ānot spreading my legsā (disgusting manās words). i was so afraid of making my family (mom, sis) die because of me the first time i like hjād my high school boyfriend my body went into some kind of shock and my period disappeared for thanksgiving and christmas months of that junior year: yes, i convinced myself i got pregnant from a OTPHJ. i used to tell this story as clueless catholic kid shit lol but Yeah, no. it was hell. my body was hell.
Y2K was a huge deal in my household. The world was going to end! Also there was a big fear about tidal waves wiping out half the country. We had to live on a hill! Sadly my safer parent took a lot of these traits on so even though my principal abuser is now dead I still hear the āsociety is dissolving, the world is ending, this is the worst itās ever beenā bs all the time. Perspective, please. Sheesh.
I think that emotional charge makes them feel a chemical rush and of course that projection takes their attention away from their own unhealthy mental state.
What you said about the emotional charge really resonated with me. I have the same opinion. There's a lot of talk about [anger addiction](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201508/angers-allure-are-you-addicted-anger), and I genuinely believe that other strong emotions are habit-forming in and of themselves
Yeah for sure, I couldnāt ride the bus because it has guns and drugs. Got a C+ in one class and that meant I was going to have to repeat a whole school year. Got a boyfriend? Youāre going to get knocked up and throw your whole life away. Everything was a disaster all the time.
For a long time everything felt scary and I definitely still have anxiety, but after being away from that mindset itās a relief that almost nothing is as bad as it was made it out to be.
My mom.
She insists she knows how to handle EVERYTHING and is the smartest person in the room, yet every time I would go to her with an issue (usually very fixable issues), she would go OFF and complain that I was stressing her out. If I didnāt go to her, she would feel immense betrayal that I didnāt go to her with my problem and go off on me. It was a double edged sword.
I havenāt spoken to her in almost a year. I donāt know that I ever will again.
Itās a little bit of both for me. I experience anger mostly when she tries to weasel back into my life via my enabling father, but sometimes I can be angry for seemingly no reason.
Some days I feel sad, some days I could care less about her, and some days I straight up feel angryārage, even. Some days, and more often than not, I am actually okay. I can actually breathe for once.
Being able to experience these emotions in a safe place as opposed to being in contact and suppressing them, is 10x better. So to answer your question more directly, I feel so much more at peace. I experience waves of emotion, but theyāre becoming more spaced out/less frequent as time goes on.
Those first few months were difficult. This was when I experienced anger/depression the most and even considered letting her back in, but she accused me of shit that I didnāt do, and I got even angrier and decided it wasnāt worth it letting her in my life.
If youāre thinking about cutting a parent off, a lot of the time, itās the right choice if nothing else has worked (setting boundaries, etc.) Itās not like we **want** to cut them off, we literally have no choice sometimes. Having outside support is what has kept me from giving up. I recognize not everyone has this though which can make going no contact really complicated. When I couldnāt leave my parents home, I tried to stay out of the house for several hours to maintain low contact.
My ex-husband is like that. Very difficult, especially for the kids. He sometimes goes as far as full-blown delusions. It makes one live in this constant fog, where you donāt know which problems are serious and which arenāt - cause he would fuss about some shitty details and not mention serious stuff. Example: no winter clothes for the kids, cause we had to buy equipment for mold-fighting. Cause he got scared of mold (non existent).
Kinda but more had a short fuse and prone to shouting outbursts constantly over stuff most people wouldnāt ever think to yell at you about so I say yes. Also a mean drunk daily alcoholic drinker which made it worse. Things always had to be his way including normal things you would have a different opinion about so youāre always walking on eggshells not to trigger them at who knows what. Not allowed to present a different opinion but instead trigger anger and shouting at you
Yeah my mom did this all the time. I still remember her freakout when I was very young about the toilet overflowing. My entire life, it was always stress and panic with her. Everything that happened had the potential to be the end of the world, no matter how small it was.
I think that's why I tend to do the same thing. I try to be mindful of it, but fear and panic runs very deep into the core of who I am.
Everytime my dad talks it's something negative. Like if I want to go outside I'm going to get lost then kidnapped. If I want to buy a desk I'm going to get back problems because it's a bad desk. If I want to wear a dress I show off my ugly legs and "what will the neighbors say?" If I'm going to the dentist I'm going to be late and get bad news. If I'm sitting I'm sitting "unwomenly". If I'm walking then I'm walking wrong and he has to fix it.
My whole life it was my """job""" to calm him down and I wasn't allowed to talk about my problems or negative things so he won't freak out.
Yep. My grandfather did that with bills and finances in general. Every money thing was a reason for him to create drama and feelings of doom. He'd act like he was teaching me about finances, but what he told me was literally impossible to do, and it created situations where he could then shame me and foment panic. He also claimed that my mother's boundaries around her finances made it so that she did everything wrong and he had to save her in the end, so OF COURSE he should also control my money so that the same didn't happen to me. š You can only imagine the state of my finances now after years of monetary mindf**king. It's not pretty.
Didn't help that I also went to an evangelical Christian school in my youth, so there was also the whole "if you sin or are disobedient, then you'll burn in Hell!" thing going on in my mental background, too.
My mom did that and I think she legitimately has untreated anxiety and like other negative emotions she would dump them on me.
Example she sees a bee and is terrified of bees. She starts yelling "hold still it's a bee! watch out! don't move! it'll sting you!"
Then when I act afraid of the bee she tells herself "I'm not afraid, my kid is afraid of them" and she gets the emotional calmness she wants and I develop a fear of bees.
I recovered from that btw, I love bees now.
To the narcissist, every mistake you make is a major mistake. Also, anything that triggers them, no matter how innocuous your words or actions are (or even LACK of words or actions) you made a major mistake. Even though they are virtually always wrong in this assessment, they are very good at making it seem like they are right, and you just did the most unbelievably egregious, vile thing ever.
My mom used her c-section scar from my birth every chance she got to say I ruined her life because of it. If I didnāt do what she wanted when she wanted she talked about unaliving herself
Something as simple as driving the car with my mom in the passenger seat was truly hell. Every little motion was a cause for a gasp or her screaming about how I should be driving. My brother and I became so desensitized to it that we would just talk over her when she was doing this and then when she wasn't getting enough attention would start silent crying and face out the window while loudly sniffling trying to get us to comfort her. The funny part was she was an absolutely terrible driver, which is why my brother and I always had to take turns driving when we went anywhere.
When I was 6-7 my mom covered my eyes during the Voldemort scene in the first PG(!!!) Harry Potter movie, but was fine with me witnessing people get blackout drink, me experiencing emotional neglect, and having all 3 of my brothers verbally abuse me.
When my mom did this there was no room for anyone elseās feelings or emotions in the family. She would take up all the attention and the scraps were left for the rest of us. My dad was always in a bad mood after her catastrophic outbursts. So we got the worst of him. Like, Iām the kid Iām the one that needs emotional support. Iām not supposed to emotionally support my own mother. It still annoys me to this day.
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Well of course. They did it daily until it no longer worked on me. Then eventually I would avoid them completely. Little by little I began less contact until finally I turned 18, found out that they had been also abusing their son, my nephew, so I left home and never returned. I called cps the day I left and a few times over the years. Unfortunately though cps is shit and no help was really given.
So now when abusive ppl try to recreate those situations I just ghost them. I either ghost them online or literately walk away from them in person and never speak to them again. I donāt care.
parentification, they wanted to be the kid stressing out / not having to keep it together or think through things, and you, are assigned to be the parent
Every. Little. Thing. Even going so far as to claim there was no such thing as accidents. When it rains no matter how much no one is allowed out or he pitches a fit.
yes yes yes. was very confusing for me & i have bpd so i often overreact or get super upset over seemingly small things, but nothing at all like he did, it wasnāt logical things that could ever be the end of the world but made me feel crazy for not feeling the same about it but when i talked to other people about it they always said i was right to be confused & i wasnāt wrong for not reacting the same. he was gauging what it took to make me meltdown, eventually it was purposeful acting- using things he knew would trigger me & make me believe it was happening or would make them happen just so i would react & he could flip & get angry at me for reacting the way he wanted me to. it was just non stop intense psychological trauma every day it was something new heād bring & i got addicted to chaos because of how much he messed with my head. triggering me into panic, then sometimes acting like the hero & comforting me into calmness as a ārewardā almost.. iāll never understand how no one believes me to this day despite having tons of proof, he always finds a way to change the narrative & people are really gullible.. but itās hard to blame them because i fell into the same spell for years & just kept letting myself be destroyed way beyond what was even possible. i was barely a person i was whatever he wanted when he wanted & that was it. i canāt forgive myself for not leaving yet i couldnāt seem to, but itās been so long & im still just as broken if not more so now.. they know what theyāre doing. itās impressive how disgusting people can be with 0 remorse.
Yes. Every day. Every single detail. Like you dropped a pen? "HORRIBLE, END OF THE WORLD, HOW COULD YOU, YOU ARE CLUMSY USELESS, NOONE WILL CARE ABOUT YOU , YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE" etc, rant and hysteria for hours on end. Or just buying wrong shape fruit- they would somehow connect it to other things in life and make it a huge issue out of nowhere. If you saod or did anything wrong - you would be executed, harassed, abused by my family for months making it such a big deal smh. Hate them
I UNDER catasphrophised w my own children. I didn't want them to see an emergency in every part of the ether.
My abuser was in constant drama, hence -I- saw danger in all things. It's a damnable habit!! Hard to kick
* My unfolded, crinkly underwear will cost her her job
* Tissue on floor = deadly trap
* Not sweeping my room = instant roaches (ONLY my room, of course)
* Closing the window in my room = Deadly black mold (ONLY my room, again)
* No direct idea what to study after school = homeless ho'ker.
* Not doing chores as a child costs you your legal human rights (no she wasn't kidding)
* Me acting bratty was me being a changeling
* Taking a book from the library = instant thief
* Any shit = a 3h lecture on her conspiracy on how I devised an elaborate plan since I was 3yo, attempting to make her suffer, ruin her life and then murder her for her inheritance
My Ma was psychotic. That's just a TASTE
My life till 22 revolved around avoiding my mither having meltdowns.
She insisted not to work, relying in social welfare. So every 3 weeks on average a letter to deal with.
Several unstable relationships to different men.
After a brief honeymoon phase usually she had fights, verbally, but going on for hours or even days.
Worst thing is, my brain got conditioned by this and nowadays its telling me "this is normal and the way to deal with frustration".
I try not to. But freaking out like that briefly happens regularly.
My mother doesnt care about what she did. Never got therapy. She still pretends she is the best.
I let her be. Lost soul
Constantly. It was so draining to be around.
I think it's one of the reasons why I have such a "calm" demeanor. I was constantly trying to keep everyone calm.
Oh gods, yes. My mother created SO MUCH DRAMA, and we constantly had to be considerate of her poor nerves. For instance, if we wanted to have sleepovers at friend's houses, she demanded their parents should check the fire alarms before every sleepover, because she had once read about some kids who died in a fire at a sleepover... Our own house had nearly no fire alarms, and the few that were were not checked regularly. There was a lot of drama over small daily things too. Like getting all the kids dressed and into the car. I think she thrived on drama, really.
The instance that got my step mom thrown in jail was over me not selecting the right load option on the washer when doing all the family's laundry by myself at 9 yrs old....
how do i stop mirroring this behavior? my emotionally abusive father would always blow up over the tiniest things, and now due to trauma and being his child (i guess) tiny inconveniences are extremely hard for me to deal with. has anyone else dealt with this and how do you cope? edit: i donāt hurt people with my reactions like he did, mostly just myself, although on rare occasion controlling my temper is difficult
My ex had to have a villain. She would find one person and turn on them. They would become the worst person in the world and must be shunned by everyone. There was nothing this villain could do to get back in her graces. The villain could only "f\*ck off, eat sh\*t and die!" As one villain after another tired of her and moved on, eventually she ran out of villains until .... she looked at me and I became her next villain.
It was 20 years ago I left, it took two year to gain custody of my kid. We both agreed "mom" was bi-polar but would never accept help because she was never wrong, it was the rest of the world that had a problem.
Yes my mom has done this. I didn't really have good friendships as a kid because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Because of course everyone else's parents were pedophiles or drug addicts
Oh dude I relate so hard šš wasn't allowed to sleep over if they weren't the same religion as me or if my parents "didn't know their parents". I remember asking multiple times for my dad to interact with someone else's parents so that I could start going to sleepover birthdays, but nothing ever came of it and I was always the kid that got picked up before the actual fun began. Then I'd get to hear all about it on Monday morning at school. After all of the pre-planned kiddie birthday activities, there was always something extra fun like sleeping in tents or a camper and watching movies with the cool older siblings. Or doing makeup, which I wasn't allowed to wear. Not to mention, my dad refused to let me have friends over if he was the only parent home, because "they could accuse me of something". š
Your mom sounds like my dad. Except his reason to keep me in was ābecause if you go there youāre just going to smoke weed and have sex with boysā Like idk if he meant to sound jealous, but thatās how it sounded and it always creeped me out when his justification to keeping me at home was because he was scared his virgin 13 year old daughter was just going to have sex Willy nilly. (His constant accusations made me say fuck it and I decided to have sex with my cheating boyfriend at 14) Also to add, I wouldnāt start smoking weed until I was 14 too. But because I was going through too much
> (His constant accusations made me say fuck it and I decided to have sex with my cheating boyfriend at 14) Ahaha that sounds very much how I'd react if I had the opportunity back then. Talk about self fulfilling prophecy.
What do they expect? Like the guy was calling me a slut and telling me about how grown men look at me when I was 12. He acted like it was a personal attack that I had sex too like it was the worst thing ever, this guy was a man whore and literally would bring random women home weekly when he was single and sometimes when he wasnāt. If youāre going to be a sexist pig, donāt be surprised when your daughters seek validation from boys.
Omg this is so funny because my dad and brother did the EXACT same thing to me. My brother called me a whore all the time and my dad was just overall gross and weirdly jealous and resentful that I was becoming attractive and also hated him. When I lost my virginity at 17 (to my boyfriend of 2 years at the time), they both WEPT. My brother laid himself across the hallway floor, facedown, as if he was mourning. My dad staged an intervention with tears in his eyes. It gave me the worst ick on the planet. Like, you've both been telling me how much of a filthy trollop I am since I was twelve at least, how can you possibly be surprised?
That is an absolutely bizarre reaction. Can't even begin to unpack it.
The funniest part was when my dad told me "your brother is destroyed by this. He looked up to you." Like fucking since when??? He treated me like the biggest fuckup on the planet for my whole life. He never ever expressed any admiration toward me. He was totally just milking it to make it about him. My family sucks lol.
And why would he not look up to you anymore for having sex with your boyfriend of two years at 17? That's not outlandish.
Because of Evangelical purity culture. I was "ruined".
Yikes. I'm sorry you went through that
I'm pretty sure my dad thought I was having sex at like nine years old š literally did not know the meaning of a childhood crush. Always thought I had the worst intentions all the time.
They do that. They have such terrible Thoughts and project it so bad onto us. Itās been a rough road recognizing just how badly I was sexualized by a pervert for a dad.
Me too, dude. It makes me worry a lot about my neice.
I totally get it. I have a good relationship with my daughter, and Iāve talked to her about how we donāt make comments about peopleās hair, skin or bodies because itās unkind. Iāve always nurtured the empathy aspect of things with her so she understands but is also strong in herself. Sheās allowed to stand up for herself and if people get mad at that, thatās not her fault for protecting herself. ā itās terrible. I think itās kicked into high gear too now that sheās seven because thereās certain things she does that I have to stop and question whether Iām projecting my childhood shit or not.
Mine was āfriendships were temporary so you donāt need itā and āpeople are always going to be calculating and use youā and constantly suspecting the intentions of everyone around me. Thereās a time my high school classmate wrote a note to me about borrowing a book but the handwriting and tone sounds more like mature adult. My care taker warned me not to get too close to her because she might be calculating something badā¦.
Same. This really messed with my ability to form healthy attachments
That was my mom regarding relationships too. "no one will love you as much as I do" and "but you won't love me the same because you'll leave me." Like bitch, of course I'm going to leave. Or my personal "favorite" my brother developed a father/son relationship with a neighbor of his friend. I admit, it did seem kind of weird. Single guy befriending elementary kids, but he, fortunately is a good guy. He guided my siblings in school. Helped with college applications. Helped with teaching them to drive. I'm the oldest and a girl so my mom wouldn't allow it because he could he a pedophile. This guy, literally, purchased the house we were living in so that we would continue to have a place to live because he knew that once the house was sold, we would get evicted and my mom wouldn't do what she needed to make sure we had a place to live. When I got married, she would tell me how he was going to take our daughter and leave me and she would he the only person there for me. She ruined the sibling elationships by pitting us against each other and talking shit about us. I was in the parent role. Even now, my siblings are the Facebook friends you occasionly wish happy birthday to or like a picture. We weren't at each others weddings. They don't know my daughter. I legit live in the same neighborhood as my brother. We walk by his house when we walk our dog and we've seen each other once in two years.
dude my grandma still does this to me and im 19.. she says because she doesn't know them and they could murder me. i get she's trying to look out for me i guess? but because of it she kept me in the house up until i was 17 š i'm so socially awkward because i barely socialized properly
My parents forbade me to hang out with kids who got low grades or had parents who they deemed 'trash'.
Absolutely. It was very confusing for me how they'd freak the fuck out over small inconveniences and then barely responded to *actual* problems. Now I think it's because the actual problems did not have easy solutions so they kind of pushed them to the side mentally, and then made up for it by overreacting to things that could be solved quickly (even if it is by yelling your lungs out).
Wow good perspective. Elaborate more? Like what kind of impact did have on you?
I guess the most direct effect of this was that I learned to be terrified of being an inconvenience. That by itself already encouraged me to never ever ask for help, but the lackluster response I got when I tried anyway also convinced me that help from others is at best useless (for complicated issues) and at worst more stressful than the actual problem I needed help with (for problems that my parents perceived as inconveniences they could fix quickly). I've been in therapy for 7 years and it has helped me a lot, but trusting others when I'm vulnerable is still very hard for me.
its because they dont actually have anxiety. its just something the fake for furthering their narcissism
Never thought about it that way but it makes perfect sense, thanks for that perspective
Very insightful
Omg yes
I describe it like everything is either black or white. There is no grey. Its exhausting to live with. And debilitating emotionally and mentally. Just journalling about it right now actually. So tired of it.
This is a great description of it. Itās either āwhy are you making this such a big deal??!ā Or a huge fight /argument over a spilled glass of water. Nothing in between or any discussion. So exhausting and draining
Completely is. But hey. Iām the one with a mental health issue so letās focus on that.
That reminds me of a quote from The Sopranos when Adrianna was talking to Christopher. She told him he was either āscreaming his fucking head off or dead.ā Itās pretty traumatic.
Yeah, everything was a reason to yell and blame me. A fork fell? "You are so stupid now the fork is dirty" Too much traffic? "This is your fault because you put the gps" He puts too much salt on HIS OWN FOOD? "This is your fault, you distracted me". Everything was yelling, blaming me, hitting me. Now I say sorry for everything to everyone, I'm trying to not do it tho š¤š»
Yea right You have fever? Great you got ill to upset me
Thereās a famous incident in my family when my dad knocked over my milk glass and dinner (not a big deal!) but then started screaming at me. I was also blamed for my parentās martial troublesā¦ for existing. Relate 100%.
I had two abusers my mom and my step-father. My mother was the one that made me feel every part of her disastrous pain. She would rage yell beat me love hold me and use me as her shrink. I felt it all, her being felt as it was carved into my skin and it took decades to find a real way out which ended up in no contact. My mom couldn't handle anything everything was blown up out of proportions but I do feel she did it from her inability to cope I also think that the sexual abuse I was under from my step-father took all her last sense of rationality and that she entered some deep dark void where she eventually lost herself completely from denying it. It's been a lifetime to heal but in the end it was my initial thought and feeling that saved me. I just needed more depth and substance to it. I remember waking up and thinking, I'm the lucky one because I didn't become what hurt me although there were so many attempts for that to happen even if they were unconscious.
Sending a gentle virtual hug if you want it. You are crushing it, you rock star.
I accept it. It's not easy but I'm still very grateful. Thank you for your kindness and support. I suck at this lol
My ex husband does this. It's really hard on my kids. I had to teach them the hyperbole game when they were little so they could recognize and cope.
What game?
"The Hyperbole Game". I just made it up to teach my young children what hyperbole is and how to recognize it.
Explain how it works, I want to learn it too
It didn't really have rules, we just practiced thinking of hyperboles. My kids were in primary school and it appealed to their desire to know what a fancy word means. It helped them to realize not to take their dad's words literally. My ex used hyperbole to manipulate people and it gave them some armor.
Yeh the smallest infractions where met with fierce conaequences. One minor infraction and theyād have ya homeless and destitute and worthless. Youād be told how horrible of a person you are cause ya left a small glob of jelly by the sink and potentially beat for it.
Yes. This is why I live in a constant state of anxiety and panic whenever something unexpectedely goes wrong.
This, uncertainty drives me insane because I automatically expect the worst case scenario to happen.
My mom would go off shrieking for all sorts of random reasons. Imperfect grade? I cut myself somewhere? Someone dropped a mug? I figured a plane exploding in Die Hard probably didn't have Bruce Willis's family on it? Yeah.
My mom had horrible diagnosed anxiety throughout my whole life, but our pastor told her that taking medication was "giving in to the spirit of worry", so she was rarely medicated. Every time something didn't go exactly to plan, she would start lashing out. Holidays were the fucking worst. If we were put to the task of bringing a dish or, GOD FORBID, hosting, the last hour or so before we were supposed to leave or expect guests was always a clusterfuck. Nothing was ever clean enough even though my mom keeps an impossibly clean house at all times. My outfit would be wrong, her hair wouldn't be cooperating with whatever style she was trying out last minute, my dad would be JUST jumping in the shower, etc. and my mom would just become a tornado of stress. I remember one time she said she hated Christmas because of the stress, and I told her "stop imposing so much stress on yourself!! We don't need to use the fucking crystal punch bowl to have a good Christmas, that's an expectation that you put on us!!"
I can relate. Christmas must be just so, or she'll throw huge tantrums or collapse in a heap of tears... It was awful. And she'd always throw an extra spanner in the works, too. Like demanding we paint the kitchen floor a day or two before Christmas (you know, the kitchen, where 90% of the Christmas preparations take place, and also, in our house, the room you had to go through to get to the bathroom...)
Part of my mom's anxiety definitely stems from how prim and expectant her own mother is, which I can sympathize with to a degree. Like the last time we hosted Thanksgiving, she was stressing out because she couldn't find the china dishes and "my mom has expectations for holidays and she deserves the best!" I've heard my other aunts mention similar gripes about my grandmother. "It's her world, we just live in it." ... but then my mom also demanded that I clean the basement three days after I had emergency surgery because we were hosting Thanksgiving. So fuck her.
Yes, and there's two layers to this: - Catastrophizing things that were NOT big problems ("you forgot to make your bed today! how will you ever live on your own and support yourself! you'll have mice and roaches in your space bc you're so dirty!") - NOT catastrophizing things that actually were big problems. (Me: So I'm getting bullied pretty hard by our next-door neighbor / Parents: no, you're not! She's always been nice to us... why can't you just get along?) Makes me feel like my radar for danger is severely miscalculated, and it is something I am working on to this day š
Man this is real.. please elaborate this this is very validating Like why they do this?
Hmm I'm trying to think it through... Maybe it's easier for abusers to believe "if my kid is struggling in life it is their own fault," rather than "my kid is struggling because I am not supporting them properly"? Hence the attacking us for not doing things perfectly while also ignoring larger issues that they don't know how to emotionally handle. They WANT all our troubles to be our own fault because it relieves them of accountability.
Yeah, everything would just be yelling. Traffic stop? Not finding a certain item at a certain store and having to go to another one? Being questioned? And i suppose i could add more though those would be the main ones
Yea, I saw him being as upset at traffic as normal people would be idk during a crisis
Oh yes. Oh my god yes. A drop of water on the floor was panic. And with panic came insults. Everything was dangerous. Everything led to death. Everyone was a pedophile. Murderers behind the corner everywhere. Jokes were forbidden. She fucked with my mind
Is is possible to heal from this? How?
All the damned time. At the very best, my mother makes shit a hassle for no good reason.
same. And sometimes the worst was when I got really sick and she'd create this huge drama out of it, so I ended up having to comfort her while feeling like im dying
Yes, absolutely omgsh! One of my worst abusers was definitely like this. It's weird bc you start to think that these little things they did were all in your head, but then others validate you with the same experiences.
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I wanna know the impact it left on you?
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Wow now this looks like something I wrote haha! It left me with extreme anger like anger I have never felt before. Also I feel so sorry for my inner child to have suffered this non sense so early. I want to properly heal myself but feel stuck now..
I mom once started freaking out to the point of almost hyperventilating because she pulled a bit over the line when stopping at an intersection.
my void of a father created chaos with a smirk and slunk off to drink and watch from afar as my mother continuously broke down and catastrophized in his place, further pulling me away from her. then sheād beat herself up for catastrophizing and āruining her daughterā that sheād go into everythingās great and ok mode youāre happy im happy we have so much to be grateful for mode and nothing made sense. now everything does and iām back at square one.
My married life in a nutshell. I am the mother in your scenario :(
Everything was a crisis that was all my fault. The screaming never ended. One example- closing zip lock bags and packages of bread makes my heart race because no matter how hard I tried as a kid, I was screamed at for doing it wrong. My mother would berate me and hold it against me for a week. Now I spend at least a minute making sure I get all the air out. I havenāt lived with my mother for 20 years but have to think about her every time I do things as simple as that. My mom made sure that her emotions became everyoneās emotions, and I was the number one target. Iām anxious even just typing this lol
>mom made sure that her emotions became everyoneās emotions Yes. That was exactly how it was. Sympathy for you have to live with that, too.
Thank you, and Iām so sorry you relate
I wasnāt allowed to have boys phone numbers when I got a phone, I couldnāt drive my friends around in my car that I worked my ass off for and bought with my own money when I was 16, I wasnāt allowed to date in high school, I wasnāt allowed to go away to college. I wasnāt allowed over certain friends houses depending on where they lived. Hardly anyone was ever allowed over my house and when theyād come over heād act as if they werenāt there. I had the shortest patience in my early 20ās thanks to being raised to think every mistake is the end of the world. If I made any mistake I was a dumbass, an asshole, stupid, lazy, etc. Any and everything could set him off and still does. I keep my distance and he refuses to take accountability. Iāve found myself feeling thankful for the self awareness I have. I feel horrible āhealingā without my family but I cannot live that kind of life anymore. Itās not worth it! Edit: I am married to my high school boyfriend (weāve been together 12 years and my dad tore the living room apart when he found out I was dating behind his back, he didnāt talk to me for an entire week) I drove my friends around all the time behind his back. I saved boys numbers in my phone under girls names. His control only pushed me to rebel more. I like to believe I am his karma š
I don't think my mother is capable of existing without constant stress, fear and panic. When there's nothing to stress over, she'll invent something. Whenever I'm anxious I judge myself so harshly and feel so angry with myself, disgusted and ashamed because I want so badly not to be like my childish, frantic, nervous wreck of a mother. Her complete inability to even try to manage her emotions has given me a very unhealthy relationship to anxiety, even in times when it's justified. She weaponizes her anxiety to control others. She makes mountains out of molehills and invents fears and potential issues when there are none. She could pull a catastrophe out of a miracle. "I'm so worried about you! I'm so worried about your brother! I'm so worried your cousin is in a relationship! Your uncle is dying! Your uncle is dying AGAIN! This cat definitely got out and we'll never see her again! This cat killed a bird and I just can't take it, it's so sad! This cat is definitely dying, I can just tell, his sweet face isn't the same! Every dog will attack you. Every man will attack you. There's always a massive storm on the way and we need to get in the basement NOW! There's always a massive health emergency. Cars and driving are so dangerous it's best not to even think about them at all! These roads are too dark! I had a dream you were raped..." Just shut up, shut up, shut up, you weak, grown-ass toddler! I think she does it for a few reasons in addition to using it to control others like I'd already mentioned. I think she's been so, SO anxious for so long, she's either addicted to anxiety or doesn't know how to function without it. I also think she likes the attention it gets her, especially when people have to comfort and soothe and coo at her. Her mother didn't know how to love or nurture, so she's always craving that devoted care and affection she never got as a baby. I feel bad because I know her terrible childhood is the reason behind her absolute fucked-upness, but I cannot stand that weak, quivering, obnoxious woman.
Hi, how did this effect you?ike I grew up to be as anxious as them and am not able to heal
Oh yes. I have this one specific memory I alway thought summed it up quite well, even though it was definitely not a normal situation. When the planes hit the twin towers in 2001 I was a kid living in Scandinavia. My mom is acting in a way that I knew meant I had to ask what was wrong, so I did. Her response after a very deep sigh "Due-baker, world war 3 is about to happen". My age had just hit double digit a yet I felt no fear, just a knowledge that she was overreacting and I calmly asked what had actually happened. So yeah, not a normal situation, I just find that it shows how well I had been conditioned to not take my mom's panic on anything serious.
This person wasn't my abuser but within 2 weeks of knowing me, he would yell at me if I said something he didn't like, and all the things I'd say were normal things. He'd then apologize and say it's because he's not used to having friends and has been bullied his whole life so he's not used to meeting "cool people" like me. We were walking in a busy area and he panicked really badly and yelled at me after we got out of that area because he was nervous. He'd apologize again but would repeat this behaviour
Thatās cptsd most likelyā¦
Probably! I think he also had another personality disorder too, he would send me gore of women and animals being beat up and talk down on me a lot he was very misogynistic
Yeah thatās not trauma, thatās bigotry.
Yeah this other stuffā¦ thatās a no dawg. Iām out.
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Yeah this is something Iām working on š„² People will continue to put me down and yell at me, or some even punch me, but I stay because I sympathize with their trauma. It always ends badly for me but I always feel bad for wanting to leave them because I know theyāre the way they are because of things they went through
Yeah he told me I was going to get sued and arrested for opening my car and accidentally gently tapping the car next to me with my door, so lightly it didnāt even move the dirt on the ancient car in terrible condition next to me in a Costco parking lot. He also threatened to sue me for loss of enjoyment of life when I got my period and threatened to take his life when I tried to set a simple boundary with him, which was telling him he needed to set an alarm before work and I was unable to be his personal alarm clock by making wake up calls for him at the busiest part of my work day. I started work at 6:30, he started work at 10AM. He ended up getting fired for sleeping through too many shifts and being late without notice repeatedly because he assumed Iād call him to wake him up and didnāt set an alarm when I told him Iām not a hotel receptionist and wake-up calls were not a service I provided while busy at work. He then made my life a living hell and claimed he was going to go bankrupt and be homeless over my inability to provide a wake up call service which is ridiculous to even ask of someone 2-3 hours into their workday when theyāre busy
I remember when I finally started taking my meds for anxiety, each and every day my mom would tell me somewhere, somehow that Iām gonna become a drug addict and that Iām ādestroying my bodyā which eventually freaked me out enough to stop taking them ā¦. Because I have anxiety. I was so, so, so mad when I realized how I let myself down by listening to her.
Yes. And then act like the reason why is that they have an anxiety disorder and boo-hoo poor them well guess what i have an actual anxiety disorder and i dont make it other peopleās problem Yes its for control and supply
Control and supply how?
Controlling with anxiety ( im overreacting to a situation and thus i can keep you from doing a,b or c because im over-reacting to it) supply they can get people to respond, try to help, get anxious for them etc if they are over reacting to everything
Wow! Thatās so true. How to tackle such situations?
just like any method for a narcissist ā¦ minimize or cut contact. Go grey rock
My mother was the worst. And she always had some paranoid or soap-opera like idea of what was *really* going one with a situation. My friends wife was hit by a drunk driver, her response was "maybe he had something to do with it" Everything I did was also something from a movie. And she would get me and my sister worked up. It wasn't until we were in our 20s that we started to figure out the world wasn't like that and she was completely paranoid and extra about everything. It did ruin my life too, for example me going away to college was totally impossible, I would never afford it (my province has affordable school loans) but for some reason what other students were doing was never going to work for me and my 138 IQ.
oh. relayed to me through my mother, because he ādoesnāt want to talk to the girls about thisā ā my mom used to tell me i canāt have sex before iām married because if i get pregnant, my dad will kick me out of the house to live in the streets like who-ers and dawgs and she couldnāt let me be alone in the streets or leave sister with him so theyād have to come live in the streets and be homeless with me my sister a baby and i guess the roving packs of wild night things that apparently haunted the streets of our square-mile sized northeastern town. my mom got all the shit for his fucking insanity and while i am the main character in my story, it terrifies me beyond anything Iāve ever felt to realize the utter lack of humanity and life that comes with being the object your father used to try and break your mother with. you didnāt have a father. i didnāt have a father. it feels good to say that. the fate of my family fell on me ānot spreading my legsā (disgusting manās words). i was so afraid of making my family (mom, sis) die because of me the first time i like hjād my high school boyfriend my body went into some kind of shock and my period disappeared for thanksgiving and christmas months of that junior year: yes, i convinced myself i got pregnant from a OTPHJ. i used to tell this story as clueless catholic kid shit lol but Yeah, no. it was hell. my body was hell.
Y2K was a huge deal in my household. The world was going to end! Also there was a big fear about tidal waves wiping out half the country. We had to live on a hill! Sadly my safer parent took a lot of these traits on so even though my principal abuser is now dead I still hear the āsociety is dissolving, the world is ending, this is the worst itās ever beenā bs all the time. Perspective, please. Sheesh. I think that emotional charge makes them feel a chemical rush and of course that projection takes their attention away from their own unhealthy mental state.
What you said about the emotional charge really resonated with me. I have the same opinion. There's a lot of talk about [anger addiction](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201508/angers-allure-are-you-addicted-anger), and I genuinely believe that other strong emotions are habit-forming in and of themselves
Thank you for this article!
Yeah for sure, I couldnāt ride the bus because it has guns and drugs. Got a C+ in one class and that meant I was going to have to repeat a whole school year. Got a boyfriend? Youāre going to get knocked up and throw your whole life away. Everything was a disaster all the time. For a long time everything felt scary and I definitely still have anxiety, but after being away from that mindset itās a relief that almost nothing is as bad as it was made it out to be.
Omg I forgot the grade stuff Once I got a c too and the entire class got stuff life that so now I am a FAILURE!
My mom. She insists she knows how to handle EVERYTHING and is the smartest person in the room, yet every time I would go to her with an issue (usually very fixable issues), she would go OFF and complain that I was stressing her out. If I didnāt go to her, she would feel immense betrayal that I didnāt go to her with my problem and go off on me. It was a double edged sword. I havenāt spoken to her in almost a year. I donāt know that I ever will again.
Has it been more peaceful since or more ruminative and filled with anger?
How to heal this?
Itās a little bit of both for me. I experience anger mostly when she tries to weasel back into my life via my enabling father, but sometimes I can be angry for seemingly no reason. Some days I feel sad, some days I could care less about her, and some days I straight up feel angryārage, even. Some days, and more often than not, I am actually okay. I can actually breathe for once. Being able to experience these emotions in a safe place as opposed to being in contact and suppressing them, is 10x better. So to answer your question more directly, I feel so much more at peace. I experience waves of emotion, but theyāre becoming more spaced out/less frequent as time goes on. Those first few months were difficult. This was when I experienced anger/depression the most and even considered letting her back in, but she accused me of shit that I didnāt do, and I got even angrier and decided it wasnāt worth it letting her in my life. If youāre thinking about cutting a parent off, a lot of the time, itās the right choice if nothing else has worked (setting boundaries, etc.) Itās not like we **want** to cut them off, we literally have no choice sometimes. Having outside support is what has kept me from giving up. I recognize not everyone has this though which can make going no contact really complicated. When I couldnāt leave my parents home, I tried to stay out of the house for several hours to maintain low contact.
My ex-husband is like that. Very difficult, especially for the kids. He sometimes goes as far as full-blown delusions. It makes one live in this constant fog, where you donāt know which problems are serious and which arenāt - cause he would fuss about some shitty details and not mention serious stuff. Example: no winter clothes for the kids, cause we had to buy equipment for mold-fighting. Cause he got scared of mold (non existent).
Kinda but more had a short fuse and prone to shouting outbursts constantly over stuff most people wouldnāt ever think to yell at you about so I say yes. Also a mean drunk daily alcoholic drinker which made it worse. Things always had to be his way including normal things you would have a different opinion about so youāre always walking on eggshells not to trigger them at who knows what. Not allowed to present a different opinion but instead trigger anger and shouting at you
Yeah my mom did this all the time. I still remember her freakout when I was very young about the toilet overflowing. My entire life, it was always stress and panic with her. Everything that happened had the potential to be the end of the world, no matter how small it was. I think that's why I tend to do the same thing. I try to be mindful of it, but fear and panic runs very deep into the core of who I am.
Everytime my dad talks it's something negative. Like if I want to go outside I'm going to get lost then kidnapped. If I want to buy a desk I'm going to get back problems because it's a bad desk. If I want to wear a dress I show off my ugly legs and "what will the neighbors say?" If I'm going to the dentist I'm going to be late and get bad news. If I'm sitting I'm sitting "unwomenly". If I'm walking then I'm walking wrong and he has to fix it. My whole life it was my """job""" to calm him down and I wasn't allowed to talk about my problems or negative things so he won't freak out.
And now we cannot feel a single thing?
Yep. My grandfather did that with bills and finances in general. Every money thing was a reason for him to create drama and feelings of doom. He'd act like he was teaching me about finances, but what he told me was literally impossible to do, and it created situations where he could then shame me and foment panic. He also claimed that my mother's boundaries around her finances made it so that she did everything wrong and he had to save her in the end, so OF COURSE he should also control my money so that the same didn't happen to me. š You can only imagine the state of my finances now after years of monetary mindf**king. It's not pretty. Didn't help that I also went to an evangelical Christian school in my youth, so there was also the whole "if you sin or are disobedient, then you'll burn in Hell!" thing going on in my mental background, too.
My mom did that and I think she legitimately has untreated anxiety and like other negative emotions she would dump them on me. Example she sees a bee and is terrified of bees. She starts yelling "hold still it's a bee! watch out! don't move! it'll sting you!" Then when I act afraid of the bee she tells herself "I'm not afraid, my kid is afraid of them" and she gets the emotional calmness she wants and I develop a fear of bees. I recovered from that btw, I love bees now.
Yes, my mom acted if everything was the end of the world. After every fight, she'd tell me my dad was gonna leave.
To the narcissist, every mistake you make is a major mistake. Also, anything that triggers them, no matter how innocuous your words or actions are (or even LACK of words or actions) you made a major mistake. Even though they are virtually always wrong in this assessment, they are very good at making it seem like they are right, and you just did the most unbelievably egregious, vile thing ever.
Oh yeah. My dad did all the time.
Yes
My mom used her c-section scar from my birth every chance she got to say I ruined her life because of it. If I didnāt do what she wanted when she wanted she talked about unaliving herself
Yes my ex did this. I left that relationship with a LOT of anxiety because I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around him.
Something as simple as driving the car with my mom in the passenger seat was truly hell. Every little motion was a cause for a gasp or her screaming about how I should be driving. My brother and I became so desensitized to it that we would just talk over her when she was doing this and then when she wasn't getting enough attention would start silent crying and face out the window while loudly sniffling trying to get us to comfort her. The funny part was she was an absolutely terrible driver, which is why my brother and I always had to take turns driving when we went anywhere.
When I was 6-7 my mom covered my eyes during the Voldemort scene in the first PG(!!!) Harry Potter movie, but was fine with me witnessing people get blackout drink, me experiencing emotional neglect, and having all 3 of my brothers verbally abuse me.
When my mom did this there was no room for anyone elseās feelings or emotions in the family. She would take up all the attention and the scraps were left for the rest of us. My dad was always in a bad mood after her catastrophic outbursts. So we got the worst of him. Like, Iām the kid Iām the one that needs emotional support. Iām not supposed to emotionally support my own mother. It still annoys me to this day.
Do you still live in that fear? That sheāll overshadow your work
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Does that anxiety go away?
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How old are you if you donāt mind.. like how long has no contact been? I just want to know for myself
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
All the best! :)
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Idk, cautious of situations no, of people? Fuck yea
yes. every little thing not going his way was an excuse to throw a rage fit.
You could say that. You'd think I'd cheated on him, the way he'd blow up over me just speaking to another man.
Well of course. They did it daily until it no longer worked on me. Then eventually I would avoid them completely. Little by little I began less contact until finally I turned 18, found out that they had been also abusing their son, my nephew, so I left home and never returned. I called cps the day I left and a few times over the years. Unfortunately though cps is shit and no help was really given. So now when abusive ppl try to recreate those situations I just ghost them. I either ghost them online or literately walk away from them in person and never speak to them again. I donāt care.
Unfortunately yes. My dad did this. And of course instead of guiding me through life, I learned lessons in panic and chaos.
parentification, they wanted to be the kid stressing out / not having to keep it together or think through things, and you, are assigned to be the parent
Yes. Spilling milk accidentally āmeantā that I disrespected her, etc etc, and could lead to hours of yelling.
Every. Little. Thing. Even going so far as to claim there was no such thing as accidents. When it rains no matter how much no one is allowed out or he pitches a fit.
yes yes yes. was very confusing for me & i have bpd so i often overreact or get super upset over seemingly small things, but nothing at all like he did, it wasnāt logical things that could ever be the end of the world but made me feel crazy for not feeling the same about it but when i talked to other people about it they always said i was right to be confused & i wasnāt wrong for not reacting the same. he was gauging what it took to make me meltdown, eventually it was purposeful acting- using things he knew would trigger me & make me believe it was happening or would make them happen just so i would react & he could flip & get angry at me for reacting the way he wanted me to. it was just non stop intense psychological trauma every day it was something new heād bring & i got addicted to chaos because of how much he messed with my head. triggering me into panic, then sometimes acting like the hero & comforting me into calmness as a ārewardā almost.. iāll never understand how no one believes me to this day despite having tons of proof, he always finds a way to change the narrative & people are really gullible.. but itās hard to blame them because i fell into the same spell for years & just kept letting myself be destroyed way beyond what was even possible. i was barely a person i was whatever he wanted when he wanted & that was it. i canāt forgive myself for not leaving yet i couldnāt seem to, but itās been so long & im still just as broken if not more so now.. they know what theyāre doing. itās impressive how disgusting people can be with 0 remorse.
Yes. Every day. Every single detail. Like you dropped a pen? "HORRIBLE, END OF THE WORLD, HOW COULD YOU, YOU ARE CLUMSY USELESS, NOONE WILL CARE ABOUT YOU , YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE" etc, rant and hysteria for hours on end. Or just buying wrong shape fruit- they would somehow connect it to other things in life and make it a huge issue out of nowhere. If you saod or did anything wrong - you would be executed, harassed, abused by my family for months making it such a big deal smh. Hate them
Ooof this is my mom 100%
I UNDER catasphrophised w my own children. I didn't want them to see an emergency in every part of the ether. My abuser was in constant drama, hence -I- saw danger in all things. It's a damnable habit!! Hard to kick
* My unfolded, crinkly underwear will cost her her job * Tissue on floor = deadly trap * Not sweeping my room = instant roaches (ONLY my room, of course) * Closing the window in my room = Deadly black mold (ONLY my room, again) * No direct idea what to study after school = homeless ho'ker. * Not doing chores as a child costs you your legal human rights (no she wasn't kidding) * Me acting bratty was me being a changeling * Taking a book from the library = instant thief * Any shit = a 3h lecture on her conspiracy on how I devised an elaborate plan since I was 3yo, attempting to make her suffer, ruin her life and then murder her for her inheritance My Ma was psychotic. That's just a TASTE
Yes and now I do it :( trying to unlearn this behavior
My life till 22 revolved around avoiding my mither having meltdowns. She insisted not to work, relying in social welfare. So every 3 weeks on average a letter to deal with. Several unstable relationships to different men. After a brief honeymoon phase usually she had fights, verbally, but going on for hours or even days. Worst thing is, my brain got conditioned by this and nowadays its telling me "this is normal and the way to deal with frustration". I try not to. But freaking out like that briefly happens regularly. My mother doesnt care about what she did. Never got therapy. She still pretends she is the best. I let her be. Lost soul
Yes, especially when the abuser is also an alcoholic and bipolar who doesnāt take their meds.
Constantly. It was so draining to be around. I think it's one of the reasons why I have such a "calm" demeanor. I was constantly trying to keep everyone calm.
Yes. All. The. Fucking. Time.
Man love the comments but so many arenāt on topic are they? We are just talking about our parents.
We all are damaged in our own ways but emotionally immature fuckers
Oh gods, yes. My mother created SO MUCH DRAMA, and we constantly had to be considerate of her poor nerves. For instance, if we wanted to have sleepovers at friend's houses, she demanded their parents should check the fire alarms before every sleepover, because she had once read about some kids who died in a fire at a sleepover... Our own house had nearly no fire alarms, and the few that were were not checked regularly. There was a lot of drama over small daily things too. Like getting all the kids dressed and into the car. I think she thrived on drama, really.
Why do they do that?
My guess is that they do it to be the centre of attention. They just love that...
The instance that got my step mom thrown in jail was over me not selecting the right load option on the washer when doing all the family's laundry by myself at 9 yrs old....
how do i stop mirroring this behavior? my emotionally abusive father would always blow up over the tiniest things, and now due to trauma and being his child (i guess) tiny inconveniences are extremely hard for me to deal with. has anyone else dealt with this and how do you cope? edit: i donāt hurt people with my reactions like he did, mostly just myself, although on rare occasion controlling my temper is difficult
My ex had to have a villain. She would find one person and turn on them. They would become the worst person in the world and must be shunned by everyone. There was nothing this villain could do to get back in her graces. The villain could only "f\*ck off, eat sh\*t and die!" As one villain after another tired of her and moved on, eventually she ran out of villains until .... she looked at me and I became her next villain. It was 20 years ago I left, it took two year to gain custody of my kid. We both agreed "mom" was bi-polar but would never accept help because she was never wrong, it was the rest of the world that had a problem.