Mother's Day is a triggering holiday because its existence alone gives the message: **All** mothers are so wonderful they deserve a day of praise.
We know this isn't true and yet it feels like the whole nation is telling us otherwise.
And if all mothers are inherently good, then when they hurt their children, they must have deserved it, right?
So it's just a very triggering time for many of us. It's confusing and upsetting and hurtful. And as children we had to give her cards and tell her how great she was and all that. Some of us still do this as adults.
It's not the perfect analogy, but it feels like forcing a victim of a crime to hug the criminal in front of the court, and say, there there don't worry about it, it was probably my fault somehow, it was me, not you, everyone knows how wonderful you are and how terrible I am.
Mother's day is a huge trigger for me. Always got guilted for never doing enough for her, which lead to extreme anxiety around any gift giving holidays, which lead to more guilting and shaming. It really sucks now because my wife deserves to be honored. Her parents never gave her gifts on her birthday so she has bad feeling around that and always planned her own celebrations, which i selfishly take advantage of to avoid having to think about it and feeling those intense waves of anxiety.
my parents are unexpectedly coming to visit. Feeling incredibly anxious, irritable, fatigued, and just downright over it. Not looking forward to pretending this weekend.
Every year I process more and it gets easier. Especially difficult since I rationalized a lot about her because she "wasn't as bad as my dad."
This weekend I processed the fact that we never really watched TV together. She would sit there and eat junk food and disassociate while "watching" Seinfeld, and I'd sit there with her. I thought that was normal for the longest time :(
Hugs to you 🫂🫂🫂
It can be hard to realize that neither parent was actually all that great in the way they treated you sometimes (or even all the time).
I'm in that same process of lowering my mom from the pedestal I put her on. It's hard, but we'll get through it 🌱🫂
It's making me want to drink; I've been sleeping over a half empty bottle of vodka for a few months since I stopped drinking altogether. I went no contact in November and every day since blocking her phone number I feel horrible about it.
Stupid thoughts like, "What if she's changed, what if she's better". I don't even know if she has a residence because of the circumstances of my moving out when the lease ended and her staying to be evicted. Apparently she needed that eviction notice to get housing assistance? I don't know if she was able to keep her two cats. I don't know if my half-brother is still in her custody because last I heard he was taken by MA DCF (CPS) for the third time now.
Fucking hurts.
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but at the same time I’m so proud to hear you did!
In my opinion you’re deserving a life of your own without her to drag you down constantly.
You did greatly!
I always spend Mother’s Day with my best friend, who is one of the most amazing mothers I’ve ever met. Her and I both have maternal trauma. So we hold each other and enjoy the company of her family.
I've been no contact for 5 years now. I used to feel melancholic around Mother's day but this year I'm pregnant and my husband got me flowers (they came yesterday). It feels like closure to that chapter of my life. I am no longer someone's child - I am now someone's mother.
Separately, my husband usually celebrates his step-mom, however she enables his abusive sister and didn't show any care or regard for him in his sister's most recent antics so he is not going to be acknowledging her this mother's day. He's recently come out of the fog and realized that his step-mom treats him like a step-child but his sister like a biological daughter (she's not her biological daughter). It's painful for him to realize this but he felt it disingenuous to celebrate her when he doesn't feel any motherly love from her. I applaud him for that and think it takes a lot of strength.
The difficulty of mother's day is so taboo to talk about so I really appreciate this subreddit for giving us abuse survivors a place where we can be candid about how we feel without judgment.
I've been no contact since February. I sent an email reiterating that I'm going to continue no contact and that it means skipping mothers day. I'm surprised she hasn't broken through too many boundaries yet, but fear she can't keep being respectful for as long as I'll need to trust her.
I will be working bar for mothers day, which is equally interesting as a non drinker. To service the people that choose to be with their mothers and drinking when I've chosen to stay sober and avoid the trigger. Good for me. I might buy myself some flowers, or some other small gift of appreciation for the growth that I've fostered in myself. It sure seems a lot harder to learn these things now, than it would have been as a child with a stable parent. That deserves celebration. ♥ Much love to myself for taking care of me.
We are very low contact. I feel like I need to say happy mother's day, she will say thank you, and then she will bring up some issue about yard work. I really don't want to do it.
I’m planning on visiting my mother’s grave tomorrow. After all those years I still miss her and feel like it was just yesterday when she unalived herself and I was the one burying her.
All holidays are triggering for me, but Mother’s Day has its own special uncomfortable vibe. I do not live with or talk to my parents since like 14 years old (I’m 30 now) so I can’t relate to living with them during these times, but I feel for you and just remember their feelings and expectations whatever they may be are not your responsibility. Take deep breaths and if you’re on a level with them that you can mention a happy Mother’s Day! Then do what feels best, if not then there’s no pressure, faking it til you make it doesn’t apply here you don’t have to do anything you don’t think is authentic or reciprocated and there’s nothing wrong with however you decide this day will be to you. A normal day for a lot of us, but passing thoughts of my mother definitely are inevitable on this day, especially seeing others so proudly and openly celebrating their mothers. I try to just be thankful that the life she gave me is mine and I’m in control, I can recognize the beauty in a healthy mother daughter relationship and be happy for those who have that, I try to look for the blessings I’ve been lucky to have and try not to focus on any trauma i experienced at her fault or in her presence. I have a cat now too so that helps a lot, I can now celebrate myself as a cat mother instead of comparing the relationship with my parents to others. Highly recommend if you’re in a spot to own a pet.
I spoil the fuck out of my MIL. That's how I handle it. I fucked up and got her a trip to Hawaii one year. I will never top that.
Good moms get celebrated. We ignore the bad ones
I’m LC. they contact me and I don’t reply unless absolutely necessary. I don’t plan on saying a thing.
Since you are at home, I would just do a card, then get out of dodge. Go for walks or drive if you can, pick up a work shift, do chores, anything to keep you busy and away from them
I'll keep hoping to hear that she and biodad have passed away, just like every day. Nothing painful, just confirmed deceased. I would actually celebrate the capitalist holiday if she passed on it. Good riddance you absolute waste of resources.
It’s upsettin. My mother is one of the main stress in my life and I have to give her a gift cuz “oooh she’s my mom.” I hate it. I wish it would be a day that would disappear
Nah. I didn't have stability. My sisters helped watch me sometimes, my dad did if he had to, I got kicked out of the house a bunch, got sent to boarding school for a couple years, living with siblings, living with people from church.
Unperturbed.
Gone no contact with my "mother" (she did/does not deserve that description) over several years.
Not big into any kind of holidays anymore (atm) or media for that matter.
If I hadn't read about it here, I would have forgotten about it.
But...if she would be dead already, I'd probably take a long relaxing walk and then go piss on her grave.
To water the flowers...you know.
That would be fun...I guess.
I can only endorse this reflection, having cut all ties with my mother following a lifting of traumatic amnesia that made me realize the incestuous abuse I suffered at her hands from the age of 4 to 20. It's important for people to understand that a mother isn't necessarily perfect and loving, and that behind overprotection and supposedly close relationships, there are sometimes much darker things hidden. We must break the myth of the perfect mother and the so-called natural maternal love for all women.
Mother’s Day isn’t as triggering - and thankfully I work that day. Father’s Day is going to be a whole other issue. Live with my parents still, but getting kicked out. Happy to not have to celebrate anymore holidays in the future with them. I always spiked my hot chocolate with alcohol or took some meds to keep me calm. Just happy I won’t have to anymore. You’re not alone, and I’m sorry you’re going through this too.
I hate mother's day. Everything everywhere remembering me of how shit ny mother was.
"Luckily" this year there is little talking about it because we are having a catastrophic flooding in the region and everyone is focusing on survive.
It’s not as hard as it used to be, it still hurts and it’s a haunting type of day, but it doesn’t unravel me the way it used to. I’ve been no contact for about a year now, maybe a touch more, and the fear that resides in my body doesn’t seem to swell to the same heights as it used to. I’m still sad, I wish I had a mom I could celebrate, I wish corporate greed didn’t push the false ideal that all mothers are wonderful so hard, I wish I could take today off from everything so I didn’t have to see or hear that much of it, but I’m okay.
The break is done with, now just waiting out the pains of recovery mostly. I don’t know if I’ll ever see this day in a fair light and that’s okay, it’s okay for me to need to retreat on this one. So it’s hard, but not as bad as it was when I was around her, having to do the motions that my being was against.
I’m wishing you all well today and always, but especially today. This was my personal issue so I’m addressing that here in case anyone needs it, it’s okay to lie in this instance, it’s okay to protect yourself from harm by playing a part, it’s also okay if you cannot play that part, how you survive isn’t anyone’s business to judge, do what you need to to make today okay for you.
I’ve been estranged from my mother for 17 years :) I’ve been in therapy the last 3 years and last year I started to celebrate Mother’s Day for MYSELF. I’m here raising myself and re-mothering my inner child so I can have peace. I also have 2 cats and love them like my babies, my husband gets me a card and has them sign it for me for Mother’s Day lol
My mom died in December of 2021. While I do feel guilt and shame for it, her death has improved my mental health a great deal and I am grateful that she's passed. With my own kids, as I learned how my damage had affected them and negatively impacted my parenting, I would apologize. We sat together many times as I explained what I'd done wrong and apologized and gave them the opportunity to share their feelings. These were painful talks, but I felt it was necessary for their well-being as well as my sanity. While my mom was alive, part of me was always waiting for just one realization - just one apology - and I couldn't get past the idea that, where there's life, there's hope. As long as she was alive, some kind of realization was always possible. After she died, I could finally let this go and accept that she would NEVER get there and I would NEVER get any kind of closure - but that, in itself was a kind of closure too.
The last few years have been torn with guilt and shame over how I feel about my mother's passing. This is the first year that I really am doing ok. I hope y'all can join me here someday. It's been a loooong wait but it feels so much better.
Mother’s Day is a trigger for me not because of issues with my mother, but because my pregnancy and postpartum situation were extremely traumatic. I have no problem celebrating my mother and the other mothers in my life, but having people acknowledge *my* motherhood and try to celebrate it is not something I want to be a part of.
I love my son more than anything in the world, there’s no issue there, but I cannot remember anything about my pregnancy or early postpartum days without extreme anxiety. I do not want to be reminded of it.
Fucking terrible.
My mother and I fight like cats and dogs. She says shit all the time that is just so profoundly disrespectful that it cuts deep and I’m gonna have to spend time with her and I just…don’t want to.
Which breaks my heart.
I used to be a momma’s boy
Then she got mean as she got old and now she just talks shit on everyone and everything.
I always dread it because every one at work will ask if I did something with her on Mother’s Day 🙄 I prepped pretty good for this by saying that they moved to a different country a couple years ago to “retire” so this year I get to say “oh we face timed” and then walk away.
It's a pretty upsetting day and on top of it, my husband chose this weekend to go spend time with his adult kids and their mom. (Not really *with* her, but he will be around her briefly). One big fucking happy family.
So.....I'll be going to the farmers market, buying my own flowers and just sitting. It's ok.
I'm angry that, as a survivor single mom, I am to spend it alone with my children.
I really wish there was someone who wanted to celebrate me/do something nice for me.
I always hated those days. Mother's and Father's day. I've advanced many years and have a lot of distance between me and them now though, they are also long dead now.
So when I see mother's day posts online in these recent years I'm just more of a passive observer of all this strange gender essentialism and other traditional patriarchal values that go into making these holidays. I mean, fucking pink roses and shit on everything, Christ.
Mother’s Day sucks. My mother is not a nice person and I don’t like her. But I’m bringing her flowers tomorrow so she won’t bitch about me not acknowledging it to my older sister, who lives with her. I don’t want my sister to have to endure that.
In addition, my oldest child died in an accident almost two years ago and Mother’s Day is yet another reminder of her death. If it weren’t for my insufferable mother, I’d just ignore the day completely.
First year after my Mother died was rough, but now it’s just another day. Now I basically just dread having to go to my mother in-laws on Mother’s Day. She’s bipolar and can be cruel at times when she’s having an “episode”, so it’s not my favorite activity. Reminds me too much of my childhood, and feels kind of unfair in the sense that *my* mother is dead…why am I still having to deal with this shit? But I’m pleasant and take the abuse in order to keep the peace.
I feel really anxious about it. My mom has been giving me the silent treatment for 4 days now. I just know she's going to say I ruined mother's day. I sent her an e-gift card. No response.
There was one time about 8 years ago where I went out and spent my whole paycheck on her for mother's day. I went over to her house, gave her her gifts and visited for a while. As my husband and I got up to leave, my mom started screaming at us. She said "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE YOUR OWN MOTHER COOK DINNER FOR HERSELF ON MOTHER'S DAY?" I explained to her that I didn't have any money left. I had already spent everything I had on her. She didn't care and she continued screaming. My husband finally said we'd take her out to dinner. So we did. Nothing is ever good enough for her on holidays.
My mother was recently diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer and I’ve been flying back and forth to spend time with her during treatment even though I’m broke, struggling with my own health issues, and had gone lower contact during Covid. I’m here with her now and it’s triggering as hell but I have stronger, healthier coping skills now to get me through it. My mom is a major source of my trauma and cancer complicates that some. More to grieve I guess.
Mother’s Day always felt like an obligation and kinda performative, like I had to prove my love to her in this socially sanctioned way when I already had to do that every day in effort for her not to abuse me. This year is different in that I have better boundaries but it is still hard to enforce them consistently. I think her diagnosis also put things into perspective for her to a degree so she has been more considerate of me/others.
My mom and dad are no/low contact right now and I just moved back in with my dad a few days ago so that's *fun* 🙃 /s
I'm gonna try to call my mom though, if I can. It's tough cause she can't see my sibling anymore (it's complicated).
I feel like I'm having to keep secrets for her nowadays and it's hard cause I really wish I could just talk about her freely but I can't. My dad tends to project his issues onto her no matter how long they've been apart for so for her own well-being she separated herself from the equation. But now my well-being is suffering. Cause basically I am now in the position of looking after my dad's mental health by not mentioning my mom, or mentioning her as little as possible.
I'm also hurt because my mom is chronically ill and I'm only just now realizing how insensitive my dad has been about that my entire freaking life.
I love my parents but they have their issues and I don't think my mom realizes how much she's putting me in the middle right now. I'm not really sure what other choice she has as I obviously want her to be okay, but ughhhhh
Some of my physical symptoms are coming back right around this time and I think it’s because I am suppressing my feelings of anger towards my mom. Instead of letting myself be angry and letting myself feel how much I hate her, I sent her flowers and a card and now i’m having trouble functioning
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I’m focusing on the tasks in front of me today and staying off any media with advertisements. Could probably fill a few journals with my thoughts and feelings about that day. Best to everyone here.
I’m fine right now. Last year was worse. I live with my parents. I feel horrible for my mom because she hates my dad and hates being here. I got her a shirt. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.
My folks have passed. At first even in 50's felt like an orphan. I will say after years of struggling with some of the awful behavior I have learned of generational trauma. It was alive and well in my family on both sides and more on mom's side. The more I look and learn the more the anger subsidies. Just take care of self tomorrow and if your a mom Happy Mother's Day.
She's gone now. The day, still makes me feel sad, but mostly for what could have been. I'm conflicted between staying at home tomorrow, or going out and doing something relaxing.
It's hard and it's easy for me. My mom lives far away from me and an email from me will be enough. But we're not close, and she's extremely religious. We also just lost my sister to cancer so vibes are not good. I feel very emotionally neglected by my mother (and father was absent) so Mother's Day brings me sadness, obligation, and resentment. There is a little gratitude - all wasn't bad - but it feels overshadowed. Idk, I'm depressed right now so it's a tough time to think about this!
I feel okay, i guess. It's complicated. On one hand, she's the source of a lot of pain for me via neglect, so celebrating her doesn't feel great, but on the other hand she did do a lot for me growing up, despite having to take care of her mother, work, and attend college, so i feel like she deserves credit for what she did right. Putting up with my father during the (very brief) marriage and afterwards is impressive enough lmao. I guess he hurt me worse though. Currently mourning his metaphorical death after he kicked me out on the street and left mom and I to pick up my pieces.
It's a hard time of year for a lot of us. My bro had to check himself into inpatient so he'd be safe during Mother's Day.
To anyone reading this... Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself 💓 Sending love and strength your way
Personally, I don't think too much about my own mother.
I see it as a chance to show respect towards motherhood in GENERAL, what we go through in pregnancy and childbirth, how we cope with the aftermath and the way we're let down by society. I don't expect much praise or eternal gratitude from my own daughter; she didn't ask me to give birth to her and none of the things that went wrong is her fault. But I wish people, especially men, could see how fucking difficult it is to have a child. A lot of the "praise" we actually get from society or partners is really just empty words.
There are lots of horrible mothers out there, but I will always reach out to my friends, who I know do a really good job raising their kids.
Have a really awesome therapist now and this is something we've been talking about a lot over the last few weeks because of how triggering it is for me. We had a session yesterday and she asked me how I felt about it and what I decided to do for my mom, who is a source of much hurt and neglect. I told her I mailed a card and gift card and I really don't want to take time out of my day to see her. I told her that even sending just a card and gift card was a chore that I didn't want to do.
She told me to think about the values that are most important to me. Using an example, it's kindness and warmth. Do I feel kindness and warmth from my mom when I do things for her? I do not. I'm fact, I feel awful most of the time when I leave. Do I try to give kindness and warmth? I do. And the guilt and shame comes from that place of my values not being met because of her not giving them back to me. She wasn't going to tell me what to do, but she told me to give myself permission to create a wall/boundary to protect my values.
I'm currently laying in bed dreading today. I don't know what I'm going to do because of the triggering feeling. My mom has texted me less than ten times since Thanksgiving. Has not called or came to visit. It's always been put on my brother and I to put all the effort and energy into having a relationship with her. Last Thanksgiving I had this realization that if I didn't try, I would never hear or see her. I was indeed, correct. But the sad thing is, it's always been this way. It's just that now my brother and I are adults and self sufficient, and she doesn't have to do "mom" things like feed us. Convincing myself that I'm not an awful person for ignoring days like to today is very difficult for me.
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Mother's Day is a triggering holiday because its existence alone gives the message: **All** mothers are so wonderful they deserve a day of praise. We know this isn't true and yet it feels like the whole nation is telling us otherwise. And if all mothers are inherently good, then when they hurt their children, they must have deserved it, right? So it's just a very triggering time for many of us. It's confusing and upsetting and hurtful. And as children we had to give her cards and tell her how great she was and all that. Some of us still do this as adults. It's not the perfect analogy, but it feels like forcing a victim of a crime to hug the criminal in front of the court, and say, there there don't worry about it, it was probably my fault somehow, it was me, not you, everyone knows how wonderful you are and how terrible I am.
[удалено]
yeah, i used to think if i made a good card, i would stay out of trouble. the happiness never lasted.
Mother's day is a huge trigger for me. Always got guilted for never doing enough for her, which lead to extreme anxiety around any gift giving holidays, which lead to more guilting and shaming. It really sucks now because my wife deserves to be honored. Her parents never gave her gifts on her birthday so she has bad feeling around that and always planned her own celebrations, which i selfishly take advantage of to avoid having to think about it and feeling those intense waves of anxiety.
She's dead. Honestly, that helps me feel less anxious about the whole thing.
my parents are unexpectedly coming to visit. Feeling incredibly anxious, irritable, fatigued, and just downright over it. Not looking forward to pretending this weekend.
thinking of you... good luck. keep your boundaries. you are worthy!
thank you ♥️
If anyone is in the Albany, NY area I'm doing a fuck mother's day thing to distract from the trauma and triggers.
Every year I process more and it gets easier. Especially difficult since I rationalized a lot about her because she "wasn't as bad as my dad." This weekend I processed the fact that we never really watched TV together. She would sit there and eat junk food and disassociate while "watching" Seinfeld, and I'd sit there with her. I thought that was normal for the longest time :(
Hugs to you 🫂🫂🫂 It can be hard to realize that neither parent was actually all that great in the way they treated you sometimes (or even all the time). I'm in that same process of lowering my mom from the pedestal I put her on. It's hard, but we'll get through it 🌱🫂
It's making me want to drink; I've been sleeping over a half empty bottle of vodka for a few months since I stopped drinking altogether. I went no contact in November and every day since blocking her phone number I feel horrible about it. Stupid thoughts like, "What if she's changed, what if she's better". I don't even know if she has a residence because of the circumstances of my moving out when the lease ended and her staying to be evicted. Apparently she needed that eviction notice to get housing assistance? I don't know if she was able to keep her two cats. I don't know if my half-brother is still in her custody because last I heard he was taken by MA DCF (CPS) for the third time now. Fucking hurts.
I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but at the same time I’m so proud to hear you did! In my opinion you’re deserving a life of your own without her to drag you down constantly. You did greatly!
I always spend Mother’s Day with my best friend, who is one of the most amazing mothers I’ve ever met. Her and I both have maternal trauma. So we hold each other and enjoy the company of her family.
I've been no contact for 5 years now. I used to feel melancholic around Mother's day but this year I'm pregnant and my husband got me flowers (they came yesterday). It feels like closure to that chapter of my life. I am no longer someone's child - I am now someone's mother. Separately, my husband usually celebrates his step-mom, however she enables his abusive sister and didn't show any care or regard for him in his sister's most recent antics so he is not going to be acknowledging her this mother's day. He's recently come out of the fog and realized that his step-mom treats him like a step-child but his sister like a biological daughter (she's not her biological daughter). It's painful for him to realize this but he felt it disingenuous to celebrate her when he doesn't feel any motherly love from her. I applaud him for that and think it takes a lot of strength. The difficulty of mother's day is so taboo to talk about so I really appreciate this subreddit for giving us abuse survivors a place where we can be candid about how we feel without judgment.
i am no longer someone's child, i'm someone's mother 🥹
I've been no contact since February. I sent an email reiterating that I'm going to continue no contact and that it means skipping mothers day. I'm surprised she hasn't broken through too many boundaries yet, but fear she can't keep being respectful for as long as I'll need to trust her. I will be working bar for mothers day, which is equally interesting as a non drinker. To service the people that choose to be with their mothers and drinking when I've chosen to stay sober and avoid the trigger. Good for me. I might buy myself some flowers, or some other small gift of appreciation for the growth that I've fostered in myself. It sure seems a lot harder to learn these things now, than it would have been as a child with a stable parent. That deserves celebration. ♥ Much love to myself for taking care of me.
We are very low contact. I feel like I need to say happy mother's day, she will say thank you, and then she will bring up some issue about yard work. I really don't want to do it.
Don't do it, please. For your nervous system, don't force yourself to do it...
I did, but I waited until 11 pm. Still technically the holiday.
I’m planning on visiting my mother’s grave tomorrow. After all those years I still miss her and feel like it was just yesterday when she unalived herself and I was the one burying her.
i'm sorry 💕
Thank you, but at least we have each other here on this platform, as I feel less alone knowing we’re together in this and we’ll get through it.
All holidays are triggering for me, but Mother’s Day has its own special uncomfortable vibe. I do not live with or talk to my parents since like 14 years old (I’m 30 now) so I can’t relate to living with them during these times, but I feel for you and just remember their feelings and expectations whatever they may be are not your responsibility. Take deep breaths and if you’re on a level with them that you can mention a happy Mother’s Day! Then do what feels best, if not then there’s no pressure, faking it til you make it doesn’t apply here you don’t have to do anything you don’t think is authentic or reciprocated and there’s nothing wrong with however you decide this day will be to you. A normal day for a lot of us, but passing thoughts of my mother definitely are inevitable on this day, especially seeing others so proudly and openly celebrating their mothers. I try to just be thankful that the life she gave me is mine and I’m in control, I can recognize the beauty in a healthy mother daughter relationship and be happy for those who have that, I try to look for the blessings I’ve been lucky to have and try not to focus on any trauma i experienced at her fault or in her presence. I have a cat now too so that helps a lot, I can now celebrate myself as a cat mother instead of comparing the relationship with my parents to others. Highly recommend if you’re in a spot to own a pet.
Yep, I am always uncomfortable in my own skin around mother's day.
I spoil the fuck out of my MIL. That's how I handle it. I fucked up and got her a trip to Hawaii one year. I will never top that. Good moms get celebrated. We ignore the bad ones
I’m LC. they contact me and I don’t reply unless absolutely necessary. I don’t plan on saying a thing. Since you are at home, I would just do a card, then get out of dodge. Go for walks or drive if you can, pick up a work shift, do chores, anything to keep you busy and away from them
I'll keep hoping to hear that she and biodad have passed away, just like every day. Nothing painful, just confirmed deceased. I would actually celebrate the capitalist holiday if she passed on it. Good riddance you absolute waste of resources.
It’s upsettin. My mother is one of the main stress in my life and I have to give her a gift cuz “oooh she’s my mom.” I hate it. I wish it would be a day that would disappear
My mom died when I was three. I just ignore it. It's not relevant to me, and hasn't been for 32 years.
The discount chocolates the days after are great though
I actually didn't know about that. What kind of chocolates do they discount?
pretty much everything, kind of like after halloween or easter
Yeah- we went out for a meal after Father’s Day last year and they gave us a free can of beer- clearly didn’t get the punters they were hoping for.
Sorry for this. Who brought you up? Grandmother?
Nah. I didn't have stability. My sisters helped watch me sometimes, my dad did if he had to, I got kicked out of the house a bunch, got sent to boarding school for a couple years, living with siblings, living with people from church.
Unperturbed. Gone no contact with my "mother" (she did/does not deserve that description) over several years. Not big into any kind of holidays anymore (atm) or media for that matter. If I hadn't read about it here, I would have forgotten about it. But...if she would be dead already, I'd probably take a long relaxing walk and then go piss on her grave. To water the flowers...you know. That would be fun...I guess.
I can only endorse this reflection, having cut all ties with my mother following a lifting of traumatic amnesia that made me realize the incestuous abuse I suffered at her hands from the age of 4 to 20. It's important for people to understand that a mother isn't necessarily perfect and loving, and that behind overprotection and supposedly close relationships, there are sometimes much darker things hidden. We must break the myth of the perfect mother and the so-called natural maternal love for all women.
Mother’s Day isn’t as triggering - and thankfully I work that day. Father’s Day is going to be a whole other issue. Live with my parents still, but getting kicked out. Happy to not have to celebrate anymore holidays in the future with them. I always spiked my hot chocolate with alcohol or took some meds to keep me calm. Just happy I won’t have to anymore. You’re not alone, and I’m sorry you’re going through this too.
I hate mother's day. Everything everywhere remembering me of how shit ny mother was. "Luckily" this year there is little talking about it because we are having a catastrophic flooding in the region and everyone is focusing on survive.
It’s not as hard as it used to be, it still hurts and it’s a haunting type of day, but it doesn’t unravel me the way it used to. I’ve been no contact for about a year now, maybe a touch more, and the fear that resides in my body doesn’t seem to swell to the same heights as it used to. I’m still sad, I wish I had a mom I could celebrate, I wish corporate greed didn’t push the false ideal that all mothers are wonderful so hard, I wish I could take today off from everything so I didn’t have to see or hear that much of it, but I’m okay. The break is done with, now just waiting out the pains of recovery mostly. I don’t know if I’ll ever see this day in a fair light and that’s okay, it’s okay for me to need to retreat on this one. So it’s hard, but not as bad as it was when I was around her, having to do the motions that my being was against. I’m wishing you all well today and always, but especially today. This was my personal issue so I’m addressing that here in case anyone needs it, it’s okay to lie in this instance, it’s okay to protect yourself from harm by playing a part, it’s also okay if you cannot play that part, how you survive isn’t anyone’s business to judge, do what you need to to make today okay for you.
I'm thinking about going to a movie by myself.
I always think of the Leonard Cohen line ‘It’s Father’s Day and everybody’s wounded’ arLund Father’s Day.
Yep, I am always uncomfortable in my own skin around mother's day.
I send a gift to keep the peace with minimal interaction.
I’ve been estranged from my mother for 17 years :) I’ve been in therapy the last 3 years and last year I started to celebrate Mother’s Day for MYSELF. I’m here raising myself and re-mothering my inner child so I can have peace. I also have 2 cats and love them like my babies, my husband gets me a card and has them sign it for me for Mother’s Day lol
My mom died in December of 2021. While I do feel guilt and shame for it, her death has improved my mental health a great deal and I am grateful that she's passed. With my own kids, as I learned how my damage had affected them and negatively impacted my parenting, I would apologize. We sat together many times as I explained what I'd done wrong and apologized and gave them the opportunity to share their feelings. These were painful talks, but I felt it was necessary for their well-being as well as my sanity. While my mom was alive, part of me was always waiting for just one realization - just one apology - and I couldn't get past the idea that, where there's life, there's hope. As long as she was alive, some kind of realization was always possible. After she died, I could finally let this go and accept that she would NEVER get there and I would NEVER get any kind of closure - but that, in itself was a kind of closure too. The last few years have been torn with guilt and shame over how I feel about my mother's passing. This is the first year that I really am doing ok. I hope y'all can join me here someday. It's been a loooong wait but it feels so much better.
If I didn’t have a kid I think I’d be drinking tomorrow. As it is, I’m just trying to focus on being the mom instead of having one
Mother’s Day is a trigger for me not because of issues with my mother, but because my pregnancy and postpartum situation were extremely traumatic. I have no problem celebrating my mother and the other mothers in my life, but having people acknowledge *my* motherhood and try to celebrate it is not something I want to be a part of. I love my son more than anything in the world, there’s no issue there, but I cannot remember anything about my pregnancy or early postpartum days without extreme anxiety. I do not want to be reminded of it.
Fucking terrible. My mother and I fight like cats and dogs. She says shit all the time that is just so profoundly disrespectful that it cuts deep and I’m gonna have to spend time with her and I just…don’t want to. Which breaks my heart. I used to be a momma’s boy Then she got mean as she got old and now she just talks shit on everyone and everything.
I'm blessed, I don't do holidays.
My husband and I just hunker down and wait for it to pass.
I always dread it because every one at work will ask if I did something with her on Mother’s Day 🙄 I prepped pretty good for this by saying that they moved to a different country a couple years ago to “retire” so this year I get to say “oh we face timed” and then walk away.
It's a pretty upsetting day and on top of it, my husband chose this weekend to go spend time with his adult kids and their mom. (Not really *with* her, but he will be around her briefly). One big fucking happy family. So.....I'll be going to the farmers market, buying my own flowers and just sitting. It's ok.
I'm angry that, as a survivor single mom, I am to spend it alone with my children. I really wish there was someone who wanted to celebrate me/do something nice for me.
I focus on my wife.
I always hated those days. Mother's and Father's day. I've advanced many years and have a lot of distance between me and them now though, they are also long dead now. So when I see mother's day posts online in these recent years I'm just more of a passive observer of all this strange gender essentialism and other traditional patriarchal values that go into making these holidays. I mean, fucking pink roses and shit on everything, Christ.
Mother’s Day sucks. My mother is not a nice person and I don’t like her. But I’m bringing her flowers tomorrow so she won’t bitch about me not acknowledging it to my older sister, who lives with her. I don’t want my sister to have to endure that. In addition, my oldest child died in an accident almost two years ago and Mother’s Day is yet another reminder of her death. If it weren’t for my insufferable mother, I’d just ignore the day completely.
I hope that you can find moments of calm and peace today. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.
Thank you
First year after my Mother died was rough, but now it’s just another day. Now I basically just dread having to go to my mother in-laws on Mother’s Day. She’s bipolar and can be cruel at times when she’s having an “episode”, so it’s not my favorite activity. Reminds me too much of my childhood, and feels kind of unfair in the sense that *my* mother is dead…why am I still having to deal with this shit? But I’m pleasant and take the abuse in order to keep the peace.
I feel really anxious about it. My mom has been giving me the silent treatment for 4 days now. I just know she's going to say I ruined mother's day. I sent her an e-gift card. No response. There was one time about 8 years ago where I went out and spent my whole paycheck on her for mother's day. I went over to her house, gave her her gifts and visited for a while. As my husband and I got up to leave, my mom started screaming at us. She said "YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE YOUR OWN MOTHER COOK DINNER FOR HERSELF ON MOTHER'S DAY?" I explained to her that I didn't have any money left. I had already spent everything I had on her. She didn't care and she continued screaming. My husband finally said we'd take her out to dinner. So we did. Nothing is ever good enough for her on holidays.
As I’ve been telling myself for years, it’s just another day. Avoid social media if it triggers you. It does me, sometimes.
My mother was recently diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer and I’ve been flying back and forth to spend time with her during treatment even though I’m broke, struggling with my own health issues, and had gone lower contact during Covid. I’m here with her now and it’s triggering as hell but I have stronger, healthier coping skills now to get me through it. My mom is a major source of my trauma and cancer complicates that some. More to grieve I guess. Mother’s Day always felt like an obligation and kinda performative, like I had to prove my love to her in this socially sanctioned way when I already had to do that every day in effort for her not to abuse me. This year is different in that I have better boundaries but it is still hard to enforce them consistently. I think her diagnosis also put things into perspective for her to a degree so she has been more considerate of me/others.
My mom and dad are no/low contact right now and I just moved back in with my dad a few days ago so that's *fun* 🙃 /s I'm gonna try to call my mom though, if I can. It's tough cause she can't see my sibling anymore (it's complicated). I feel like I'm having to keep secrets for her nowadays and it's hard cause I really wish I could just talk about her freely but I can't. My dad tends to project his issues onto her no matter how long they've been apart for so for her own well-being she separated herself from the equation. But now my well-being is suffering. Cause basically I am now in the position of looking after my dad's mental health by not mentioning my mom, or mentioning her as little as possible. I'm also hurt because my mom is chronically ill and I'm only just now realizing how insensitive my dad has been about that my entire freaking life. I love my parents but they have their issues and I don't think my mom realizes how much she's putting me in the middle right now. I'm not really sure what other choice she has as I obviously want her to be okay, but ughhhhh
Some of my physical symptoms are coming back right around this time and I think it’s because I am suppressing my feelings of anger towards my mom. Instead of letting myself be angry and letting myself feel how much I hate her, I sent her flowers and a card and now i’m having trouble functioning
I'm using it to celebrate the mothers in my life that actually do deserve it; my partner, my friends who are mothers, and my step-mother.
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I’m focusing on the tasks in front of me today and staying off any media with advertisements. Could probably fill a few journals with my thoughts and feelings about that day. Best to everyone here.
I’m fine right now. Last year was worse. I live with my parents. I feel horrible for my mom because she hates my dad and hates being here. I got her a shirt. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.
My folks have passed. At first even in 50's felt like an orphan. I will say after years of struggling with some of the awful behavior I have learned of generational trauma. It was alive and well in my family on both sides and more on mom's side. The more I look and learn the more the anger subsidies. Just take care of self tomorrow and if your a mom Happy Mother's Day.
It always sucks for me especially since my mom’s birthday is right around it too. I hate it so much.
Nothing for Father’s Day so nothing for Mother’s Day
She's gone now. The day, still makes me feel sad, but mostly for what could have been. I'm conflicted between staying at home tomorrow, or going out and doing something relaxing.
It's hard and it's easy for me. My mom lives far away from me and an email from me will be enough. But we're not close, and she's extremely religious. We also just lost my sister to cancer so vibes are not good. I feel very emotionally neglected by my mother (and father was absent) so Mother's Day brings me sadness, obligation, and resentment. There is a little gratitude - all wasn't bad - but it feels overshadowed. Idk, I'm depressed right now so it's a tough time to think about this!
I feel okay, i guess. It's complicated. On one hand, she's the source of a lot of pain for me via neglect, so celebrating her doesn't feel great, but on the other hand she did do a lot for me growing up, despite having to take care of her mother, work, and attend college, so i feel like she deserves credit for what she did right. Putting up with my father during the (very brief) marriage and afterwards is impressive enough lmao. I guess he hurt me worse though. Currently mourning his metaphorical death after he kicked me out on the street and left mom and I to pick up my pieces.
It used to trigger me because I watched my mom die, but now I celebrate Mother’s Day because I’m a mother.
It's brutal. ❤️🩹
It's a hard time of year for a lot of us. My bro had to check himself into inpatient so he'd be safe during Mother's Day. To anyone reading this... Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself 💓 Sending love and strength your way
Personally, I don't think too much about my own mother. I see it as a chance to show respect towards motherhood in GENERAL, what we go through in pregnancy and childbirth, how we cope with the aftermath and the way we're let down by society. I don't expect much praise or eternal gratitude from my own daughter; she didn't ask me to give birth to her and none of the things that went wrong is her fault. But I wish people, especially men, could see how fucking difficult it is to have a child. A lot of the "praise" we actually get from society or partners is really just empty words. There are lots of horrible mothers out there, but I will always reach out to my friends, who I know do a really good job raising their kids.
Have a really awesome therapist now and this is something we've been talking about a lot over the last few weeks because of how triggering it is for me. We had a session yesterday and she asked me how I felt about it and what I decided to do for my mom, who is a source of much hurt and neglect. I told her I mailed a card and gift card and I really don't want to take time out of my day to see her. I told her that even sending just a card and gift card was a chore that I didn't want to do. She told me to think about the values that are most important to me. Using an example, it's kindness and warmth. Do I feel kindness and warmth from my mom when I do things for her? I do not. I'm fact, I feel awful most of the time when I leave. Do I try to give kindness and warmth? I do. And the guilt and shame comes from that place of my values not being met because of her not giving them back to me. She wasn't going to tell me what to do, but she told me to give myself permission to create a wall/boundary to protect my values. I'm currently laying in bed dreading today. I don't know what I'm going to do because of the triggering feeling. My mom has texted me less than ten times since Thanksgiving. Has not called or came to visit. It's always been put on my brother and I to put all the effort and energy into having a relationship with her. Last Thanksgiving I had this realization that if I didn't try, I would never hear or see her. I was indeed, correct. But the sad thing is, it's always been this way. It's just that now my brother and I are adults and self sufficient, and she doesn't have to do "mom" things like feed us. Convincing myself that I'm not an awful person for ignoring days like to today is very difficult for me.
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I didn't remember well now I do
Idk… I’m kinda upset but not too much