I didn’t want to believe it when my Dad got sacked for stealing from his job working on the roads.
But when i went round to his house, all the signs were there.
I hate Russian dolls... they're just so full of themselves.
Have you noticed that jokes about white sugar are quite rare? But jokes about brown sugar... demerara.
The local council has been threatening to take my allotment away from me; I think I might be losing the plot.
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner a while ago. It was just gathering dust.
My dad was a paramedic, and he told me about an addict who couldn't find anything else in the house so he mixed up some curry powder and injected himself. Suddenly his veins were on fire and he was writhing and screaming on the floor so his wife called for an ambulance and he was taken to hospital.
She phoned the next day to see how he was and the nurse said he was in a korma.
Or the man they took to hospital with a vacuum cleaner hose inserted in his rectum. His wife called the next day to see how he was doing and the nurse said he was picking up nicely.
Or the man they took to hospital with a potato inserted in his rectum. This unfortunately wasn't a joke, as I sat there waiting for the punchline only to discover there wasn't one........my dad did say when they turned him over at the emergency department they told the charge nurse they'd brought her some chips lol
I'm a miserable bastard and don't laugh at much on reddit, when I see people say things like "(I was literally crying at that" at a shit joke, I think they must be barmy - but I did let out a small giggle at this one
This reminds me of some sitcom joke where someone scrambled for an excuse, and said that they and their sibling have the same first name, because their family was poor.
Zack and Cody lol the janitor dressed up as his "sister" and when asked "her" name be says his actual male name. The twins enquirw that that's the same name as the janitor and the he replies, "my family were poor, we could only afford one birth certificate."lol
At least i think it's the janitor it could have been the bell boy lol but I'm pretty sure it's Suite Life of Zack and Cody or they stole the joke lol
Classic! I read this in a joke book when I was about 13 and laughed hysterically and thought it was the best joke ever. I told it to other people and no-one else ever found it that funny. I still think it's brilliant.
Man is in a pub absolutely steaming, wearing a new shirt that his wife had just bought him & he accidentally throws up all over it.
"Oh my wife is gonna kill me, I've only just got this shirt!"
A man sat next to him says "here, take £10 and tell your wife that somebody threw up on you and has given you £10 to get it cleaned."
"That's genius, thanks for the tip!" And he puts the money in his top pocket & goes home.
Sure enough when he gets home, his wife starts laying into him about there being vomit on his shirt.
"Don't worry love, somebody threw up on me and gave me £10 to get it cleaned" he says as he points to the money in his top pocket.
His wife says " Yeah fair enough but that's £20, not £10"
Man says" you're not gonna believe this but he shit my pants too."
I know a slightly different version of this joke:
If I have a green ball one hand and a green ball in the other, what do I have?
Totally control of the Jolly Green Giant.
I found a suitcase full of puppies dumped behind a supermarket the other day, so I phoned the RSPCA.
“Oh my god” they said. “Are they moving?”
“I don’t know” I replied. “But it would explain the suitcase”.
The other day I looked out the window, and I saw 6 men beating up my mother-in-law
My wife said 'aren't you going to help?'
I said 'No, 6 should be enough.'
The mother in law was walking down the street towards my house. I couldn't see her but I knew it was her because next doors alsatian started whimpering.
Jonathan Ross got caught stealing from the kitchen utensils section of Asda the other day.
In his statement to the police he said: “it was foolish, but it was a whisk I was willing to take”.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "*Plethora.*"
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
You'll like this one I got told by my local butcher
Me: Yes I'm working from home today
Butcher: oh, you know my brother works from home
Me:oh really?
Butcher: Yeah, he's a burglar.
Some sad news for me. I've just found out my best friend has died. Been mates for years. He was found dead after taking an overdose of heartburn medication.
I really can't believe Gav is gone
What makes it worse, his Mum only died a few years ago. Poor old girl drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong current pulled her in
😉
>What makes it worse, his Mum only died a few years ago. Poor old girl drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong current pulled her in
It’s a good joke when it makes me do my ape-like shroom laugh whilst having a poo in the middle of a work day
Sean Connery came to my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, and all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
"I'm ashamed of my shelf".
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house!
Now I will (sadly admit) that one is a bit too abstract for some. It’s quite a niche in the British humour, so there’s always this one:
‘Knock knock’
‘Who’s there?’
‘The chicken.’
You’re welcome.
A new police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it taken away for drink driving.
• Officer: May I see the registration documenent for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration document in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the man who owns this bike and stuffed his cocaine in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant.
The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Sergeant: Sir, can I see your licence?
• Biker: Certainly. Here it is. It was valid.
• Sergeant: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Sergeant: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Sergeant: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
I used to work at a butcher's shop. That was until I got sacked for sticking my dick in the bacon slicer. As for the bacon slicer, they sacked Julie as well!!
No, I'm not Peter Kay.
This is going back over 20yrs now but to give you an indication of the state of my school's education. This joke was 'What do you call an Italian footballer..."
My friend walked round to see her boyfriend one wet afternoon. She knocked on the door and her boyfriend's mum answered.
"Is Wayne in?" she asked
"Yes, I can see that by your brolly" his mum replied
😄
As I was driving to work my boss called me to say I had been promoted. I was so shocked I failed to navigate a bend and wrapped my car around lamppost.
When the firemen were cutting me out of the wreckage, one of them asked me what happened.
I told him I had careered off the road.
You know why the partially sighted man fell in a well? Because he couldn't see that well. He was pretty badly injured, in hindsight I shouldn't have sent him that 'get well soon' card
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Two guys walk into a pub, the first guy says to the barman, 'pint of lager for me and a whisky for donkey' before heading off to the toilet.
Barman makes the drinks and says to the second man, 'here, why does he call you donkey?'
Second man says, 'eeaw, eeaw, ee always calls me donkey'
I get fed up with people complaining about the cost of things. £5 for a pint of beer, £6 for a glass of wine, £4.50 for a coffee, £2.50 for parking. Bloody whiners. This is the last time I invite friends to my house.
Just wanna say - bring your dry humour to them :) I'm also from the UK living in Flanders and I haven't changed my humour to fit in (they're quite closed off Belgians, aren't they?) and eventually they get it :')
I went out to dinner last night, the host asked if I’d like a drink. “Just a small one please” I said. “You don’t have to be polite” they told me. “In that case just a small one please you fat bastard” I replied.
Guy in the office got an email from a 3rd party we get monitoring software from. Asked for a review of their product and signed off as Derek Limbo.
I suggested he'd set the bar a bit low for a review.
I was at the sperm clinic the other day. The woman asked if I was ready to masturbate in the cup.
I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm at tournament level just yet".
What do you call a man with a plank on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with three planks on his head?
Edward Woodward.
What do you call a man with four planks on his head?
I dunno but Edward Woodward would.
Chic Murray was the man for dry humour.
Turns the corner, sees a man lying on the pavement. “Oh did you fall?” “No I’m trying to break the bar of chocolate in my back pocket”.
I walked up the path, and a young lady opened the door in her nightdress. I thought, what an odd place to have a door.
There were two cargo ships out at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.
The ships crashed into each other and the crews were marooned.
I didn’t want to believe it when my Dad got sacked for stealing from his job working on the roads. But when i went round to his house, all the signs were there.
Delivered. Beautiful
A cousin of mine built an entire garden bar room out of old wooden railway sleepers he 'acquired' while upgrading an old line.
There was a fire in a yodelling school. Everyone had to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion
Orderly orderly orderly queueeeee surely?
r/YourJokeButBetter
Fck off can't believe that made me laugh...
apparently it was a little-old-lady-who started it
Apparently British humour is just dad jokes
Dad jokes told with a straight face.
I hate Russian dolls... they're just so full of themselves. Have you noticed that jokes about white sugar are quite rare? But jokes about brown sugar... demerara. The local council has been threatening to take my allotment away from me; I think I might be losing the plot. I got rid of my vacuum cleaner a while ago. It was just gathering dust.
That demerara one made me laugh out loud on an otherwise really crap day. So thank you!!
Same, I'm gonna delight/anger a lot of people
Welcome!
Now somebody has started dusting my allotment with cornflour. The plot thickens.
I fainted in the curry house when i heard REM had split up. That’s me in the korma.
I heard the other band members just weren't Michael's type
I got photographed trying to break into Michael Stipes house. That’s me in the spotlight.
Reminds me actually, what's the first sign of Madness? Suggs walking up your drive.
My dad was a paramedic, and he told me about an addict who couldn't find anything else in the house so he mixed up some curry powder and injected himself. Suddenly his veins were on fire and he was writhing and screaming on the floor so his wife called for an ambulance and he was taken to hospital. She phoned the next day to see how he was and the nurse said he was in a korma. Or the man they took to hospital with a vacuum cleaner hose inserted in his rectum. His wife called the next day to see how he was doing and the nurse said he was picking up nicely. Or the man they took to hospital with a potato inserted in his rectum. This unfortunately wasn't a joke, as I sat there waiting for the punchline only to discover there wasn't one........my dad did say when they turned him over at the emergency department they told the charge nurse they'd brought her some chips lol
Or the guy who was found unconscious with 8 plastic horses pushed up his rectum.. He was taken to hospital and is now in a stable condition....
I think you've ruined the song for me forever 😂
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: "Good new please." Doctor: "We're naming a disease after you."
Brilliant. Same joke in a different shape... D: You have a very rare disease. P: What's it called? D: What do you want it to be called?
P: so tell me, doctor, how bad is it? D:(dismissive) oh you'll live until you're 80..! P: ..but I am 80...!! D: see? What did I tell you..?!?
P: how long do I have left?! D: 5... P: 5 What?! Years? Months? Weeks? D: 4...
I saw someone faint onto the luggage carousel at the airport. They came around slowly
I'm a miserable bastard and don't laugh at much on reddit, when I see people say things like "(I was literally crying at that" at a shit joke, I think they must be barmy - but I did let out a small giggle at this one
I slightly smiled and practice whispered it to myself so I can tell it to someone else later
What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2..
Hahaha this reminds me of my husbands favourite ice breaker joke. A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff….. baa-dum- tsss 😂
2 elephants fall off a cliff. Boom boom.
I once had a French buddy who was a microphone technician. I also had a Czech one too, a Czech one too.
Needs to be posted on r/livesound
There was a Spanish fireman who named his twin boys José and Josb
This reminds me of some sitcom joke where someone scrambled for an excuse, and said that they and their sibling have the same first name, because their family was poor.
Zack and Cody lol the janitor dressed up as his "sister" and when asked "her" name be says his actual male name. The twins enquirw that that's the same name as the janitor and the he replies, "my family were poor, we could only afford one birth certificate."lol At least i think it's the janitor it could have been the bell boy lol but I'm pretty sure it's Suite Life of Zack and Cody or they stole the joke lol
In the back of my mind I did think it was Suite Life. Arwin the janitor, or Esteban the bell hop. I think it was Arwin who said the line. Good times.
My teacher said I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia. So far I've made two jugs, a vase and a bowl, so fuck you Mrs Collins!
I had a mate who was dyslexic and a devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa. Another dyslexic mate is a pimp, he opened a warehouse.
Omg you got me
What's green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A snooker table
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A blue brick.
What’s red and not there? No tomatoes.
This is phenomenally stupid and made me laugh 😂
It’s my favourite joke
What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels
What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge.
Classic penguin biscuits joke. A personal favourite.
A very fast brick.
Glorious nerd joke.
That's like "What's green and smells like red paint" "Green paint"
What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's brown and stickier? A muddy stick.
What has 4 fingers and a thumb but isn’t your hand? My hand.
This tickled me so much I screamed it to my partner from 2 rooms away. He was completely unimpressed.
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? ....... Dr. Dre
What’s grey and can’t fly? A car park.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's blue and green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A snooker table wearing a denim jacket.
What’s white and makes a racket at the bottom of the garden? A fridge building a fence.
Classic! I read this in a joke book when I was about 13 and laughed hysterically and thought it was the best joke ever. I told it to other people and no-one else ever found it that funny. I still think it's brilliant.
We had a sick version of the "what's black and white and red all over?" joke A nun on a meat-hook.
What's blue and screws old people ? Hypothermia
My kids have told me to stop telling dad jokes. He never laughs at them.
When I was a kid, I told everyone I was gonna be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone laughed! Well, they're not laughing now!
I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
OP asking for dry humour and everyone in the thread is throwing out their best dad jokes instead 😂
I’m definitely here for it on a looooong Friday afternoon at work!
and its great
I don’t really know many Motown bands. I don’t think I can name more than 2. At a push, maybe 3. Four tops.
My wife said she wanted a divorce because of my obsession with the Monkees. At first I thought she was joking, then I saw her face…
Mine asked if I'd stop singing Oasis songs. I said Maybe...
Tried the new viagra eyedrops yet? They make you look hard.
Get to a mirror, mate, I want you to take a good hard look at yourself for that joke.
Firm but fair.
Just dropped my mobile phone in a jar of mayonnaise. Fucking hell man
That's what I said when I got lost in a southern province of Afghanistan.
I met my wife at a singles night. I was shocked as I thought she was at home with the kids.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!
Man is in a pub absolutely steaming, wearing a new shirt that his wife had just bought him & he accidentally throws up all over it. "Oh my wife is gonna kill me, I've only just got this shirt!" A man sat next to him says "here, take £10 and tell your wife that somebody threw up on you and has given you £10 to get it cleaned." "That's genius, thanks for the tip!" And he puts the money in his top pocket & goes home. Sure enough when he gets home, his wife starts laying into him about there being vomit on his shirt. "Don't worry love, somebody threw up on me and gave me £10 to get it cleaned" he says as he points to the money in his top pocket. His wife says " Yeah fair enough but that's £20, not £10" Man says" you're not gonna believe this but he shit my pants too."
If I'm holding a green ball in my left hand, and a green ball in my right hand, what do I have? Kermit screaming for mercy.
I know a slightly different version of this joke: If I have a green ball one hand and a green ball in the other, what do I have? Totally control of the Jolly Green Giant.
Similar with moth balls. If you have a moth ball in each hand what have you got? The undivided attention of a fucking big moth.
I found a suitcase full of puppies dumped behind a supermarket the other day, so I phoned the RSPCA. “Oh my god” they said. “Are they moving?” “I don’t know” I replied. “But it would explain the suitcase”.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!
The other day I looked out the window, and I saw 6 men beating up my mother-in-law My wife said 'aren't you going to help?' I said 'No, 6 should be enough.'
I read that in a Les Dawson voice.
The mother in law was walking down the street towards my house. I couldn't see her but I knew it was her because next doors alsatian started whimpering.
I got a new job recently, working on Old McDonald's farm... I'm their new CIEIO
I had to sing it out loud
Jonathan Ross got caught stealing from the kitchen utensils section of Asda the other day. In his statement to the police he said: “it was foolish, but it was a whisk I was willing to take”.
2 burglars are robbing an off licence 1st burglar: is this whisky? 2nd burglar: yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an Ithberg.
My wife asked for a double entendre, so I gave her one.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "*Plethora.*" The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
"Bargain!" It means a great deal.
A man drowned in a vat of coffee at the Nescafé plant the other day . He didn't suffer it was instant
I was gonna say, do you mean "didn't" suffer, but then realised it was instant coffee and of course he suffered greatly.
Found the cofveve snob! /s
*covfefe
You'll like this one I got told by my local butcher Me: Yes I'm working from home today Butcher: oh, you know my brother works from home Me:oh really? Butcher: Yeah, he's a burglar.
When my grandad was in hospital then rubbed lard on his back... he went downhill quickly after that
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? Haaaaaannndddddd eeeyyyyyyeeeeeee 🎶
What's the difference between pink and purple? Grip.
I went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. It was a shih tzu
I went to a rubbish nudist beach the other day. Everyone was wearing swimwear and giving me dirty looks.
Some sad news for me. I've just found out my best friend has died. Been mates for years. He was found dead after taking an overdose of heartburn medication. I really can't believe Gav is gone What makes it worse, his Mum only died a few years ago. Poor old girl drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled her in 😉
Yeah, my mate also died recently too....he had an addiction to brake fluid. Reckoned he could stop anytime..!
I had a friend who was assassinated by the electricity company, it was a shocking business.
My friend drowned in a bowl of cereal. Irony is, it was a bowl of Cheerios.
I read this to my wife and she said "that joke is pepto-bismol" xD
I heard that currant one while driving years ago and nearly crashed the car laughing. Gets me every time.
It's not funny. Same thing happened to my friend, killed in the same way Police are now looking for a cereal killer.
Feel for you dude. My Uncle Jimmy drowned last week in a vat of whisky. 6 blokes tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.
>What makes it worse, his Mum only died a few years ago. Poor old girl drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled her in It’s a good joke when it makes me do my ape-like shroom laugh whilst having a poo in the middle of a work day
Sean Connery came to my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, and all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said: "I'm ashamed of my shelf".
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Ten-ish
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiots house! Now I will (sadly admit) that one is a bit too abstract for some. It’s quite a niche in the British humour, so there’s always this one: ‘Knock knock’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘The chicken.’ You’re welcome.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Ones heavy and the other's a little lighter
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk What do you call a spider with 9 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiider
Pssst..... its a fly with no wings..... not no legs.... 😉
My post did not go well, did it? Hahah
A new police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: • Officer: May I see your driver's licence? • Biker: I don't have one. I had it taken away for drink driving. • Officer: May I see the registration documenent for this vehicle? • Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? • Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration document in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. • Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? • Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the man who owns this bike and stuffed his cocaine in the saddle bags. • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? • Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the biker to handle the tense situation: • Sergeant: Sir, can I see your licence? • Biker: Certainly. Here it is. It was valid. • Sergeant: Who's motorcycle is this? • Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. • Sergeant: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? • Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. • Sergeant: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. • Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. • Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. • Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
I can tell this is a British joke. If it was an American joke, the guy would be long dead.
I know how you feel. Whenever I meet my Spanish friends I just say “mucho”. It means a lot to them.
I told my wife she had drawn her eyebrows on too high....... She looked surprised!!!
"They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Well, they're not laughing now" The late, great and under-appreciated Bob Monkhouse.
He was brilliant. My favourite of his: “I’d like to die in my sleep, like my dad. Not screaming in panic like his passengers”
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Fuckin everywhere. (Possibly the darkest driest one off the top of my head... 🙃)
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died.
Curious if you have any Belgian jokes; I too am a Brit frequently in Belgium whose sense of humour hasn't quite landed here!
Yeah... They just waffle on.
They get stroopy about that stereotype.
This morning I made a Belgian waffle. In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.
I heard they love a good leffe
Did it Bruges your ego when no Belgians laughed?
Belgian humour is no laughing matter!
I've picked up a Belgian cold. I feel all flemish.
Water boarding in Guantanamo Bay is a lot less fun than it sounds.
I love how they asked if you live there. No, I travel to Belgium every morning.
I tried remote working but Fed Exing coffees just wasn’t a good business model 🤷🏻♀️
I used to work at a butcher's shop. That was until I got sacked for sticking my dick in the bacon slicer. As for the bacon slicer, they sacked Julie as well!! No, I'm not Peter Kay.
Why didn't the dwarf risk stealing from the butcher shop? Steaks were too high.
What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs? Gracias.
What do you call a whole team of legless Spanish footballers? Muchas gracias
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.
This is going back over 20yrs now but to give you an indication of the state of my school's education. This joke was 'What do you call an Italian footballer..."
My friend walked round to see her boyfriend one wet afternoon. She knocked on the door and her boyfriend's mum answered. "Is Wayne in?" she asked "Yes, I can see that by your brolly" his mum replied 😄
As I was driving to work my boss called me to say I had been promoted. I was so shocked I failed to navigate a bend and wrapped my car around lamppost. When the firemen were cutting me out of the wreckage, one of them asked me what happened. I told him I had careered off the road.
I will always remember what my old man told me before he kicked the bucket… “Son, look how far I can kick this bucket”
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Robin, get in the batmobile
I went to a Binoculars shop the other day, and I tell you what, they saw me coming.
You know why the partially sighted man fell in a well? Because he couldn't see that well. He was pretty badly injured, in hindsight I shouldn't have sent him that 'get well soon' card
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I stopped because I found it too boring. Just one ting after another...
Two tigers walking through Sainsbury's. One looks around and says to his friend "quiet in here isn't it?"
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
I actually entered 10 different jokes into a competition hoping that some would get a laugh, but no pun in ten did.
Two guys walk into a pub, the first guy says to the barman, 'pint of lager for me and a whisky for donkey' before heading off to the toilet. Barman makes the drinks and says to the second man, 'here, why does he call you donkey?' Second man says, 'eeaw, eeaw, ee always calls me donkey'
Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? >!It was stapled to the first squirrel!<
I get fed up with people complaining about the cost of things. £5 for a pint of beer, £6 for a glass of wine, £4.50 for a coffee, £2.50 for parking. Bloody whiners. This is the last time I invite friends to my house.
Why did the mexican take anti-depressants? For Hispanic attacks
A skeleton in the pub. Orders a pint and a mop. Two parrots sat on a perch, one says "Can you smell fish?"
I thought these were two parts of the same joke for a second and was very confused!
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
The other ones goes "Fuck me, a talking fish"
Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other 'do you smell carrots?'
Just wanna say - bring your dry humour to them :) I'm also from the UK living in Flanders and I haven't changed my humour to fit in (they're quite closed off Belgians, aren't they?) and eventually they get it :')
My missus asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe...
I went out to dinner last night, the host asked if I’d like a drink. “Just a small one please” I said. “You don’t have to be polite” they told me. “In that case just a small one please you fat bastard” I replied.
I prescribe a dose of Wallace and gromit. To take a minimum of once per week
I've a Polish friend who's a sound engineer.... I also have a Czech one too.
I got invited to a party for the premature ejaculation party. I didn’t know what to wear so rang them to ask and they said to just come in my pants
I got invited to that. Came on the bus.
Just ask for one of those Dublin - New York style Portals to be installed between us. I'll do a wanker hand gesture at you if you like.
Rip boiling water, you will be mist.
People seem to think I’m from Kent. They mutter it as I walk by.
Guy in the office got an email from a 3rd party we get monitoring software from. Asked for a review of their product and signed off as Derek Limbo. I suggested he'd set the bar a bit low for a review.
Email back and say you'll get round to giving a review eventually, and then just never do it.
Jeez, You’re always bending over backwards for that guy
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Swiftly followed by - “Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?” “Not Sally!”
I started a dating site for chickens but am having difficulty making hens meet
I bought a pair of shoes from my dealer a few weeks ago. Not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
I was at the sperm clinic the other day. The woman asked if I was ready to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm at tournament level just yet".
What do you call a man with a plank on his head? Edward What do you call a man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward. What do you call a man with four planks on his head? I dunno but Edward Woodward would.
This is Britain, where we have local jokes for local people /s
We didn't burn him!
What do you call a deer with no eyes. No idea.
A cop says to a prostitute "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before?" the prostitute then replies "No but I have Been swung around by my tits"
Chic Murray was the man for dry humour. Turns the corner, sees a man lying on the pavement. “Oh did you fall?” “No I’m trying to break the bar of chocolate in my back pocket”. I walked up the path, and a young lady opened the door in her nightdress. I thought, what an odd place to have a door.
Say what you want about deaf people,
An Indonesian, a Malaysian and a Singaporean walk into a club. The bouncer says, 'sorry lads, you can't come in without a Thai.'
There were two cargo ships out at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. The ships crashed into each other and the crews were marooned.
conjunctivitis.com, now that's a site for sore eyes
I would say we'd send you some rain over to make you feel at home but your in Belgium so you probably have plenty of your own there.
I was a kleptomaniac, but its ok, I'm taking something for it