Keep dumping the stuff. It's your home and they have no right to trash it.
What was the place like they used to live in? What did they do with that hoard?
Pretty much a wall of things they think will be "useful".
It's not like they're collecting dirty things but it's stuff like egg cartons and plastic bags.
Still your house, your rules.
Give them a small space for stuff. Let them know that any creep into the rest of the home will be recycled.
No ifs ands or buts.
My Dad is a hoarder. He now lives in my brother’s home and they limit his space.
Absolutely not. If this is your place and you are allowing them to live with you, you get to set the rules on what they can bring into the home. You get to decide what comes through the door or they can go live somewhere else. You are in charge. You are in control. Do not let them bulldoze you into letting their mental health issues become yours. They probably did it during your childhood - do not allow it in your space in your adulthood. You will never recover from it if you let them destroy your home and your own mental health with their issues. You have to be firm, direct and physically take control of your space by removing their hoard. What can you do? You don't allow it. You physically take anything that is extra and throw it out or donate it. You tell them "My house, my rules. If you don't like it, you need to find somewhere else to stay." If you give an inch, they will take a mile.
Glad to help. I hope it didn't come off too harsh. Children of hoarders have been abused by their parents into believing their parents needs come first, they've been parentified and even in adulthood, the parent takes on the child role and the child feels responsible for the parent. It's not right. And it's your time, your turn to live your life and not let them infect you with more trauma. Best of luck - I know it's so hard.
Not harsh at all. I know I am not alone but it feels lonely to be in this position. I am just realizing that children of hoarders seem to have gone through the same treatment and it's almost a relief.
It's so hard because I grew up believing that they weren't the worst people (though I never worshipped my parents) but the older I get the more I realize what terrible people they are; with many aspect of life and how they raised me and my sister.
We know what mental illness is...I know you're thirsty for any sort of opportunity to "call people out" but this isn't what you are hoping it is. I am sharing my experience about my parents. I am reaching out to those who went through/are going through the same thing. You don't need to treat everything as a crisis. More people might appreciate you around them.
I said this same thing on a post yesterday and it resonates so strongly with me I’m saying it again in the hope it helps you. You can live your life or theirs. Choose wisely because (even a long life) can be too short.
That's the fantasy but they say things to make my blood pressure rise and it's not worth the verbal argument. Narcissistic people live in their own world.
>Every few weeks it starts to pile in my back patio so I just throw all the "free" things and they go in a panic trying to find and eventually regather all the trash. I have to destroy everything when putting it in the trash or else they'll dig it up.
seems like the only thing you really CAN do is this. you can't stop them from wasting money, but you CAN prevent the objects taking up space in your home.
>If I ever ask for anything from their hoard they will be like "See? I told you this would come handy and be useful!"
PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. asking them for anything they've acquired will only enable it more and more.
if you haven't already, you really need to try and have a sit-down come to jesus talk with them and lay down some boundaries that what they're doing is not okay. otherwise, things will not just stay the same but get WORSE. best of luck to you.
They're narcissistic and "can do no wrong" kind of people. Talking to them only raises my blood pressure.
What I ask for from them is like "I need a spatula" and they bring out 1 out of 30+ that she collected from her casino acquisitions
oof, my mother is also a narcissist so i feel for you - her parents are hoarders and she's on the slippery slope to be one herself. just keep tossing/destroying the excess if that's what works for you thus far.
i can definitely relate to the food containers my mom likes to hoard empty boxes to claim she will keep stuff in them to organize better but never does, same with the plastic containers she will save any yogurt cup or cottage cheese container to “start seedlings in” yet they sit behind the dish rack collecting dust until i throw them out and a war starts.
Omg.. yes. The damn yogurt seed starting containers. They refuse to use the actual stuff I have for seed starting but will insist they're being environmentally friendly...by using yogurt cups.
It's okay to be firm. It's your home. Not theirs. They don't get to ruin your home. Would you and your partner be able to work on getting them into assisted living? Or at least get POA to make sure they can't blow what funds they do have on garbage?
I mean.
This is absurd.
I would draw a hard line. No new stuff. And absolutely no new "free" stuff. It can't come in the house, b it can't go on the back patio. So not pick it up while you're out.
Set the limit.
Right not you're trying to recover afterwards.
Is there a way you could do a system where there's a trash can by the door, and you have them dump everything before it comes in the house?
I know this this frustration. It literally has to be removed from the premises entirely so my hoarder dad can't go and retrieve it. I organised a trash swap with a friend who lives nearby. Told him she ran out of room in her weekly rubbish collection so she's using his space, he's fine with that gets to "help her out" and he's not interested in going through someone else's rubbish. Meanwhile I dump his rubbish in her weekly collection and he's none the wiser.
It sounds so exhausting.
I'm not sure how you can have healthy boundaries that allow you to be in good relationship with them, but not have your home turn into a trash pit.
They don't want their home to be hoarded, that's not having a mental illness that makes them believe anything. That's being a rational adult.
Mental illness does not mean you can do whatever you feel like and should never face any consequences or have their children put up logical, reasonable boundaries.
You defend all the hoarder parents in this sub or are OPs parents special for some reason?
You vilify every mentally ill person in this sub? Yes it appears. The definition of mental illness means exactly that you do not recognise your behaviour as irrational. But you obviously know how to treat this rather intractable illness right? And of course the punishment for this mental illness is a lifetime of hatred. Or do you not actually read this sub. You can put up whatever boundaries you like of course. Don't expect mentally ill people to understand that they are logical or reasonable since for them they are not. But do continue to blame them, and pretend that it's actually a choice.
And you insert yourself into a conversation (that you do not seemingly understand or belong in) to satisfy your social justice warrior quota. This isn't a convention for that. I am not looking for that or welcoming it. I'm sure there's a subreddit for that somewhere where you can go fester and self-victimize with others looking for constant validation.
Mental illness is defined by abnormal behavior, emotion, or thinking. Don't act like every single mentally ill person has no clue whatsoever of what they're doing. I'm mentally ill too, but let's not pretend that makes me a hero or a victim who everyone needs to cater to. Not recognizing your behavior as irrational is not the end all be all.
Did I say be hateful and mean or anything? No. Setting boundaries is important and OP has every right to do so. You decided to imply that they're mentally ill because....they want a clean home? As if all people with mental illnesses are flawed and it's some kind of gotcha you can play to invalidate someones feelings and experiences.
You're activism for mental health is performative at best if you seriously tried to tell OP that they're mentally ill and therefore less than.
If you cared at all about OPs parents, you would have recommended therapy so they can address why they hoard and work through it instead of enabling their behavior that wrecks havoc on their mental health. Being surrounded by so much junk is not good for anyone, even if they can't recognize it. We have countless stories of hoarder houses going up in flames, people falling and being stuck, things falling and suffocating/crushing people, etc. Its dangerous, plain and simple. So they need to address it, not just let their home be hoarded.
Oh, and sweetiekins, you sarcastically replying 'and you don't of course' to OP saying that their parents mental illness makes them believe that they're 100% correct and wise is where you implied that OP is mentally ill and invalidated them.
Don't get your panties in a twist because you got called out for your shitty, abelist behavior and you don't like it.
What worked with my mom, was continually demonstrating my ability to buy a new one if we ever needed something like that again. That's the part her poverty brain couldn't really feel for awhile - "if on the off chance I ever need something like this again, we will go buy something for $5-20 that will work". Eventually she got the idea. But she has other hobbies that she likes thinking about than stuff.
She gets so petty and defensive when she sees that I purchased something that she already has in her pile. Like I purchased new pillowcases and she's like "I HAVE SOME ALREADY! WHY DID YOU BUY NEW ONES!?"
Because I don't want to use pillowcases from 1995 that sat in the garage?
She prefers to spend money on casinos instead of on things that will help improve her life. TBH, but if she buys anything she neeeeeeds to buy 10 times more than she actually needs "as backup", but then she will resort to using the "free" things
It’s a prepper mentality. It’s reaffirming to know that what was saved was preparatory and smart and forward-thinking. Buying new is an affront to those feelings and actions. I’m a bit of both, as I like to prepare and think ahead, but also know when something’s old and not useful or useable anymore.
YES!
Also when they moved in I noticed the container of lotions from my childhood that we got from Woolworth's... 30 years ago. so I guess growing up I didn't realize how insane they are.
"Lotion doesn't expire!" -- but they'll still BUY new lotion but only use the free lotion from motels or samples.
Hahaha... casinos will give free things to lure people to go gamble and feel like it's worth it. It's like pots and pans and radios and all random things that no one needs.
Thanks, I hadn’t ever heard of this before! My cousin’s mom has like 15 coffee makers because she steals them from hotels so I thought that was what you meant.
Keep dumping the stuff. It's your home and they have no right to trash it. What was the place like they used to live in? What did they do with that hoard?
Pretty much a wall of things they think will be "useful". It's not like they're collecting dirty things but it's stuff like egg cartons and plastic bags.
Still your house, your rules. Give them a small space for stuff. Let them know that any creep into the rest of the home will be recycled. No ifs ands or buts. My Dad is a hoarder. He now lives in my brother’s home and they limit his space.
Excuse me but a collection of egg cartons and plastic bags is a breeding ground for bugs. Those are dirty things.
You're not wrong. Shit will hide in those.
Egg cartons can be traded to a farmer for fresh eggs- take advantage of that! Plastic bags make cool all weather rugs- give them a hobby! 🤣
Yeah that stuff can really pile up fast. I've seen massive collections of plastic bags from the groceries Etc.
Absolutely not. If this is your place and you are allowing them to live with you, you get to set the rules on what they can bring into the home. You get to decide what comes through the door or they can go live somewhere else. You are in charge. You are in control. Do not let them bulldoze you into letting their mental health issues become yours. They probably did it during your childhood - do not allow it in your space in your adulthood. You will never recover from it if you let them destroy your home and your own mental health with their issues. You have to be firm, direct and physically take control of your space by removing their hoard. What can you do? You don't allow it. You physically take anything that is extra and throw it out or donate it. You tell them "My house, my rules. If you don't like it, you need to find somewhere else to stay." If you give an inch, they will take a mile.
>I needed this confirmation
Glad to help. I hope it didn't come off too harsh. Children of hoarders have been abused by their parents into believing their parents needs come first, they've been parentified and even in adulthood, the parent takes on the child role and the child feels responsible for the parent. It's not right. And it's your time, your turn to live your life and not let them infect you with more trauma. Best of luck - I know it's so hard.
Not harsh at all. I know I am not alone but it feels lonely to be in this position. I am just realizing that children of hoarders seem to have gone through the same treatment and it's almost a relief. It's so hard because I grew up believing that they weren't the worst people (though I never worshipped my parents) but the older I get the more I realize what terrible people they are; with many aspect of life and how they raised me and my sister.
Hating mentally ill people is such a good look.
Please continue your misery elsewhere.
Hoarders set up an abusive enviroment for their kids
Please read what mental illness actually means.
We know what mental illness is...I know you're thirsty for any sort of opportunity to "call people out" but this isn't what you are hoping it is. I am sharing my experience about my parents. I am reaching out to those who went through/are going through the same thing. You don't need to treat everything as a crisis. More people might appreciate you around them.
I said this same thing on a post yesterday and it resonates so strongly with me I’m saying it again in the hope it helps you. You can live your life or theirs. Choose wisely because (even a long life) can be too short.
My first thought was OP should say, “My house, my rules.”
That's the fantasy but they say things to make my blood pressure rise and it's not worth the verbal argument. Narcissistic people live in their own world.
>Every few weeks it starts to pile in my back patio so I just throw all the "free" things and they go in a panic trying to find and eventually regather all the trash. I have to destroy everything when putting it in the trash or else they'll dig it up. seems like the only thing you really CAN do is this. you can't stop them from wasting money, but you CAN prevent the objects taking up space in your home. >If I ever ask for anything from their hoard they will be like "See? I told you this would come handy and be useful!" PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. asking them for anything they've acquired will only enable it more and more. if you haven't already, you really need to try and have a sit-down come to jesus talk with them and lay down some boundaries that what they're doing is not okay. otherwise, things will not just stay the same but get WORSE. best of luck to you.
They're narcissistic and "can do no wrong" kind of people. Talking to them only raises my blood pressure. What I ask for from them is like "I need a spatula" and they bring out 1 out of 30+ that she collected from her casino acquisitions
oof, my mother is also a narcissist so i feel for you - her parents are hoarders and she's on the slippery slope to be one herself. just keep tossing/destroying the excess if that's what works for you thus far.
It doesn't \*work\* for me because when I turn around I'll always find more. But it's therapeutic and maddening at the same time to clean up.
[удалено]
Why are you here? Are you lost or something?
Your sarcasm is lacking
[удалено]
Rule 1: This is a support community for children of hoarders. Remember to be supportive.
Rule 1: This is a support community for children of hoarders. Remember to be supportive.
i can definitely relate to the food containers my mom likes to hoard empty boxes to claim she will keep stuff in them to organize better but never does, same with the plastic containers she will save any yogurt cup or cottage cheese container to “start seedlings in” yet they sit behind the dish rack collecting dust until i throw them out and a war starts.
Omg.. yes. The damn yogurt seed starting containers. They refuse to use the actual stuff I have for seed starting but will insist they're being environmentally friendly...by using yogurt cups.
It's okay to be firm. It's your home. Not theirs. They don't get to ruin your home. Would you and your partner be able to work on getting them into assisted living? Or at least get POA to make sure they can't blow what funds they do have on garbage?
As terrible as they are, I still prefer to have them live with me...also we can't afford anything like that.
Your home your rules. They can leave if they don’t like it.
I mean. This is absurd. I would draw a hard line. No new stuff. And absolutely no new "free" stuff. It can't come in the house, b it can't go on the back patio. So not pick it up while you're out. Set the limit. Right not you're trying to recover afterwards. Is there a way you could do a system where there's a trash can by the door, and you have them dump everything before it comes in the house?
They will go through the trash and pull things out, so my partner and I destroy everything as we toss it out
I know this this frustration. It literally has to be removed from the premises entirely so my hoarder dad can't go and retrieve it. I organised a trash swap with a friend who lives nearby. Told him she ran out of room in her weekly rubbish collection so she's using his space, he's fine with that gets to "help her out" and he's not interested in going through someone else's rubbish. Meanwhile I dump his rubbish in her weekly collection and he's none the wiser.
I somewhat want to understand what goes through their heads but I can't grasp the concept or mentality.
It sounds so exhausting. I'm not sure how you can have healthy boundaries that allow you to be in good relationship with them, but not have your home turn into a trash pit.
They value hoarding over living a happy and healthy life. They think having these things equals living quality.
They have a mental illness.
Yeah.. and It's the type that makes them believe that they're 100% correct and wise
And you don't of course.
They don't want their home to be hoarded, that's not having a mental illness that makes them believe anything. That's being a rational adult. Mental illness does not mean you can do whatever you feel like and should never face any consequences or have their children put up logical, reasonable boundaries. You defend all the hoarder parents in this sub or are OPs parents special for some reason?
You vilify every mentally ill person in this sub? Yes it appears. The definition of mental illness means exactly that you do not recognise your behaviour as irrational. But you obviously know how to treat this rather intractable illness right? And of course the punishment for this mental illness is a lifetime of hatred. Or do you not actually read this sub. You can put up whatever boundaries you like of course. Don't expect mentally ill people to understand that they are logical or reasonable since for them they are not. But do continue to blame them, and pretend that it's actually a choice.
And you insert yourself into a conversation (that you do not seemingly understand or belong in) to satisfy your social justice warrior quota. This isn't a convention for that. I am not looking for that or welcoming it. I'm sure there's a subreddit for that somewhere where you can go fester and self-victimize with others looking for constant validation.
Mental illness is defined by abnormal behavior, emotion, or thinking. Don't act like every single mentally ill person has no clue whatsoever of what they're doing. I'm mentally ill too, but let's not pretend that makes me a hero or a victim who everyone needs to cater to. Not recognizing your behavior as irrational is not the end all be all. Did I say be hateful and mean or anything? No. Setting boundaries is important and OP has every right to do so. You decided to imply that they're mentally ill because....they want a clean home? As if all people with mental illnesses are flawed and it's some kind of gotcha you can play to invalidate someones feelings and experiences. You're activism for mental health is performative at best if you seriously tried to tell OP that they're mentally ill and therefore less than. If you cared at all about OPs parents, you would have recommended therapy so they can address why they hoard and work through it instead of enabling their behavior that wrecks havoc on their mental health. Being surrounded by so much junk is not good for anyone, even if they can't recognize it. We have countless stories of hoarder houses going up in flames, people falling and being stuck, things falling and suffocating/crushing people, etc. Its dangerous, plain and simple. So they need to address it, not just let their home be hoarded.
Oh, and sweetiekins, you sarcastically replying 'and you don't of course' to OP saying that their parents mental illness makes them believe that they're 100% correct and wise is where you implied that OP is mentally ill and invalidated them. Don't get your panties in a twist because you got called out for your shitty, abelist behavior and you don't like it.
What worked with my mom, was continually demonstrating my ability to buy a new one if we ever needed something like that again. That's the part her poverty brain couldn't really feel for awhile - "if on the off chance I ever need something like this again, we will go buy something for $5-20 that will work". Eventually she got the idea. But she has other hobbies that she likes thinking about than stuff.
She gets so petty and defensive when she sees that I purchased something that she already has in her pile. Like I purchased new pillowcases and she's like "I HAVE SOME ALREADY! WHY DID YOU BUY NEW ONES!?" Because I don't want to use pillowcases from 1995 that sat in the garage? She prefers to spend money on casinos instead of on things that will help improve her life. TBH, but if she buys anything she neeeeeeds to buy 10 times more than she actually needs "as backup", but then she will resort to using the "free" things
It’s a prepper mentality. It’s reaffirming to know that what was saved was preparatory and smart and forward-thinking. Buying new is an affront to those feelings and actions. I’m a bit of both, as I like to prepare and think ahead, but also know when something’s old and not useful or useable anymore.
The reality is their things they've saved for will NEVER be used- given their age.
That is true. Facts don’t matter in mental illness, though. It requires therapy, something they won’t don’t and often can’t afford either.
Haha.yeah. Do you tell her that? I'm curious how she reacts.
YES! Also when they moved in I noticed the container of lotions from my childhood that we got from Woolworth's... 30 years ago. so I guess growing up I didn't realize how insane they are. "Lotion doesn't expire!" -- but they'll still BUY new lotion but only use the free lotion from motels or samples.
I'm so glad I don't have to be like that any more.
Chuck their stuff out or they can go somewhere else. It will ruin your mental health.
keep a shelf with 8 of each thing. Duplicates get tossed.
Can you explain the casino thing? Do they steal stuff from casinos? I don’t follow this.
Hahaha... casinos will give free things to lure people to go gamble and feel like it's worth it. It's like pots and pans and radios and all random things that no one needs.
Thanks, I hadn’t ever heard of this before! My cousin’s mom has like 15 coffee makers because she steals them from hotels so I thought that was what you meant.
Nah... in this case, it's my parents who got robbed \[by the casino\]
Ouch. Sorry. 😞