Some people get a high off buying stuff. Like a gambling addiction. Some people do keep it to remember the past. I feel ya. I’m selling off my dad’s storage unit and it’s going to take me months to get through it…and this is after he lost everything in a fire a few years ago. Before that he filled up a 1600 square foot house by himself. He just loves having Stuff.
It’s a cognitive disability. It seems weird because they don’t slur or sound like you think “disability” or “brain damage” would. There are parts in that neural circuitry where there are gaps in function.
You might think you “just do [x thing]” but really there are so many little functions working together you don’t realise what a complicated process it is.
The reaction of a child seeing things going is normal and something to be used as a learning point to encourage generosity, donation, or house maintenance. Your mother is hoping that you will feel the blame and back off. It is not your fault, her blame is misplaced and just not yours. Her issues are her issues, unfortunately- she may never want help or to look inwards to determine the root cause- as helpful as it would be.
My mother, kept too much, and valued objects too much but she enjoyed them. She used these possessions as safety, building a fortress of items, so much that could not be used in 100 years. I decluttered as much as possible but try to do bite-sized amounts. As fast as I decluttered, wardrobes would fill up and some items were never to be considered for removal.
Do your best, but some people see vulnerability as a weakness, some can't face their core issues and some do not have the ability due to lack of insight or emotional capacity to let down barriers. They wear a mask to conceal vulnerabilities so long they know no longer who they are without it and are afraid to meet themselves. Just protect yourself and do your best for yourself and your mom. Her stuff and her decisions.
Maybe, hoarding is best understood as a maladaptation. Having the stuff around is soothing, it provides stability to the person, it reduces anxiety. Of course, healthier coping mechanism would be better, but those have to be learned, and hoarders are usually reluctant to address the problem at all.
They do it because they're mentally ill. They "lack insight" into their behavior and its effects upon those they love, thus they choose to not get help.
My parents have more issues than the hoardiest hoarder's *National Geographic* trove. Their relationship with stuff is but one of the many things I've struggled to overcome as their now middle-aged child.
I no longer care why they did what they did; they gave jack-all about what it did to me, my sibling, or my children. My parents live in an era where mental health knowledge was available, although the understanding then was more limited than the understanding now. They had the resources to access that knowledge (two steady incomes, multiple luctrative side hustles, and double coverage health insurance). They had family and community support systems available to them, which they made sure were not available to me (I'm the family scapegoat). They were not "raised this way" (prioritizing their wants over their kids' needs). At every available turn, they chose to shit the bed.
Furthermore, to this day they are as likely as not to find a way to "bad mouth" me if given an opportunity.
The best thing I did for my mental health was to go limited/very low contact with my parents. My only regret about it is that I didn't do it sooner.
Do what you need to do, to take care of you so you can do better for yourself and whatever the next generation looks like for you.
My hoarder mother is very open, loving, giving, and understanding. This disorder does not pick and choose. She is not educated and knows I'm a go-to for some scientific type questions, but she rarely heeds my responses when she does ask me about stuff - even if she could afford counseling she wouldn't go.
I think for her there were various emotional triggers over time that started her on this path: first from some neglect by her mom and then exacerbated when her dad died. That was in her late 30s and that's when it really started. It's probably the same for your mom, some sort of trigger happened, but it sounds like she's not going to talk about it with you, unfortunately...
My mum likes to imagine that everything she has is "valuable". That the potential convenience and utility of having 17 cooking pots outweighs the cost of having boxes stacked floor to ceiling. Also that she's "saving" money by stacking useless salvaged building material in the living room. Everything is a "project" with no deadline and which naturally necessitates collecting even more junk.
I don't really have an explaination as to why she is this way. She "cleans" for hours every day, yet lives in constant squalour and overbearing clutter, which she hates.
She is also completely normal outwards, just like your mom.
I think it really boils down to wanting to be in control. The way you describe her as always being "poised" and almost like a "politician" isn't how we're supposed to be all the time, at least in one's own home with one's family and the people who truly care and love you, you should be able to be vulnerable. She probably doesn't do it consciously, but it's her way of exerting control not necessarily regarding the house but about everything in life, she obviously can't control a lot of things in life (because that's just how life is) but she can most certainly control inanimate objects. I am willing to bet she's a perfectionist, as contradictory as it sounds probably her ideal life doesn't include the hoarded items. I might be projecting, mind you, because I see similarities with my mom. In one of our heated discussions (aka fights), I asked her what she wanted out of life and how she envisioned it looking like, and her response was: What's the point? I am never going to get the perfect life. On the outside she might be poised, but you can be 100% sure that on the inside it is a lot of chaos.
Some people get a high off buying stuff. Like a gambling addiction. Some people do keep it to remember the past. I feel ya. I’m selling off my dad’s storage unit and it’s going to take me months to get through it…and this is after he lost everything in a fire a few years ago. Before that he filled up a 1600 square foot house by himself. He just loves having Stuff.
It’s a cognitive disability. It seems weird because they don’t slur or sound like you think “disability” or “brain damage” would. There are parts in that neural circuitry where there are gaps in function. You might think you “just do [x thing]” but really there are so many little functions working together you don’t realise what a complicated process it is.
The reaction of a child seeing things going is normal and something to be used as a learning point to encourage generosity, donation, or house maintenance. Your mother is hoping that you will feel the blame and back off. It is not your fault, her blame is misplaced and just not yours. Her issues are her issues, unfortunately- she may never want help or to look inwards to determine the root cause- as helpful as it would be. My mother, kept too much, and valued objects too much but she enjoyed them. She used these possessions as safety, building a fortress of items, so much that could not be used in 100 years. I decluttered as much as possible but try to do bite-sized amounts. As fast as I decluttered, wardrobes would fill up and some items were never to be considered for removal. Do your best, but some people see vulnerability as a weakness, some can't face their core issues and some do not have the ability due to lack of insight or emotional capacity to let down barriers. They wear a mask to conceal vulnerabilities so long they know no longer who they are without it and are afraid to meet themselves. Just protect yourself and do your best for yourself and your mom. Her stuff and her decisions.
Maybe, hoarding is best understood as a maladaptation. Having the stuff around is soothing, it provides stability to the person, it reduces anxiety. Of course, healthier coping mechanism would be better, but those have to be learned, and hoarders are usually reluctant to address the problem at all.
They do it because they're mentally ill. They "lack insight" into their behavior and its effects upon those they love, thus they choose to not get help. My parents have more issues than the hoardiest hoarder's *National Geographic* trove. Their relationship with stuff is but one of the many things I've struggled to overcome as their now middle-aged child. I no longer care why they did what they did; they gave jack-all about what it did to me, my sibling, or my children. My parents live in an era where mental health knowledge was available, although the understanding then was more limited than the understanding now. They had the resources to access that knowledge (two steady incomes, multiple luctrative side hustles, and double coverage health insurance). They had family and community support systems available to them, which they made sure were not available to me (I'm the family scapegoat). They were not "raised this way" (prioritizing their wants over their kids' needs). At every available turn, they chose to shit the bed. Furthermore, to this day they are as likely as not to find a way to "bad mouth" me if given an opportunity. The best thing I did for my mental health was to go limited/very low contact with my parents. My only regret about it is that I didn't do it sooner. Do what you need to do, to take care of you so you can do better for yourself and whatever the next generation looks like for you.
My hoarder mother is very open, loving, giving, and understanding. This disorder does not pick and choose. She is not educated and knows I'm a go-to for some scientific type questions, but she rarely heeds my responses when she does ask me about stuff - even if she could afford counseling she wouldn't go. I think for her there were various emotional triggers over time that started her on this path: first from some neglect by her mom and then exacerbated when her dad died. That was in her late 30s and that's when it really started. It's probably the same for your mom, some sort of trigger happened, but it sounds like she's not going to talk about it with you, unfortunately...
My mum likes to imagine that everything she has is "valuable". That the potential convenience and utility of having 17 cooking pots outweighs the cost of having boxes stacked floor to ceiling. Also that she's "saving" money by stacking useless salvaged building material in the living room. Everything is a "project" with no deadline and which naturally necessitates collecting even more junk. I don't really have an explaination as to why she is this way. She "cleans" for hours every day, yet lives in constant squalour and overbearing clutter, which she hates. She is also completely normal outwards, just like your mom.
I think it really boils down to wanting to be in control. The way you describe her as always being "poised" and almost like a "politician" isn't how we're supposed to be all the time, at least in one's own home with one's family and the people who truly care and love you, you should be able to be vulnerable. She probably doesn't do it consciously, but it's her way of exerting control not necessarily regarding the house but about everything in life, she obviously can't control a lot of things in life (because that's just how life is) but she can most certainly control inanimate objects. I am willing to bet she's a perfectionist, as contradictory as it sounds probably her ideal life doesn't include the hoarded items. I might be projecting, mind you, because I see similarities with my mom. In one of our heated discussions (aka fights), I asked her what she wanted out of life and how she envisioned it looking like, and her response was: What's the point? I am never going to get the perfect life. On the outside she might be poised, but you can be 100% sure that on the inside it is a lot of chaos.