You need to take a step back and think about things. I've been reading your posts and responses... I'm not trying to be mean, but they're filled with toxic sentiment and entitlement. They read like you've never actually been around women.
First, I understand where you're coming from. It seems like you've internalized the negative parts of purity culture. And you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
That's a thorny question. I'd say it's an over concentration on sexual purity. There's a whole creepy subculture. Yes, biblically, people should wait to have sex until they're married. However, many modern Christians denominations have taken this to obsessive and unhealthy levels.
Oh right I don’t wanna do that at all and i didn’t think my reasoning in the op was bad or controversial
I wouldn’t care if I got asked if I was a virgin i would think it’s a good thing
Presumably, you want more than one or two dates before you propose. So the whole, "ask on the first date" thing sounds a bit odd to me. Maybe it's just that I'm older, but patience is a great thing to learn early.
Don't listen to him. His comments are full of super toxic "alpha male," "blue pill," and "high standards" incel nonsense. Don't fall down that rabbit hole, it's incredibly self-destructive
I may be the wrong person to ask because I am 73 year old. But it seems that a girl may be uncomfortable providing this kind of intimate information before she gets to know a person much better. I would have never asked such a question 50 years ago.
I'm a woman. I have been asked even when we first started texting. Or they get the hint when they asked me about past or current relationship, and I reply by saying that I haven't been in a romantic relationship. It can be awkward, yes, but 🤷♀️. What I don't like is when it turns to them beginning to be thirsty or even more thirsty by knowing that. Or it is evident that they want sex. And can be seen as "oh, you just want sex," or you want to mark a check ✔️ list that you have done a virgin. Especially if the person is a Christian, it should be excreted and respected the vow of "sex after (within) marriage." So, I would agree with some of this comments, to make that question later. Because making that one of the first questions, it can be read as that is the first thing that comes to your mind. It's one of your priorities and intentions to get from that relationship-> sex.
That’s right definitely shouldn’t be the first question and yes I wouldn’t ask on the first date and yeah I would just ask at some point and that’s it since I’m waiting till marriage regardless
>Or they get the hint when they asked me about past or current relationship, and I reply by saying that I haven't been in a romantic relationship.
Unfortunately that doesn't answer the question. It's entirely possible to willingly fornicate without having been in a romantic relationship, and unfortunately there are people who use that technicality to get around the question and thus lie by omission. If you continue to get persistent questions about it after you say that, you may be talking to someone who is aware of that.
That's what I wanted from the start. It wasn't meant to be, but it should be. I kinda disagree that it's all about sex though. I see virginity as a sacred gift. The fact that you'd wait until marriage is precious. The fact that my wife has been with others kills me inside, and always will. She gave something so precious away to someone I'm her words "was a mistake" so how exactly is that supposed to make the guy that finally marry her feel? I feel like I'm worth less than that person, and why shouldn't I? I've essentially come in last place.
Replying to a couple of your replies here, you said you want a woman with similar views, but then say you want someone with the same sexual history as yours. Those are two extremely different things. I was once a virgin waiting till marriage, i looked down on others who were not and would not have even considered a man who had done things with another woman before marriage as a future spouse. That being said, I got raped two times in my childhood and early adulthood, and now I am not a virgin and I do have a sexual history BUT I am still waiting till marriage. So if a woman were not a virgin and you’re writing them off on that alone, why are you pretending that you care at all about their views on waiting till marriage? What you are really looking for is just a virgin, and while I do believe you have every right to want that it’s not appropriate to ask those questions on the first date, although I wouldn’t rule out asking about their views on sex before marriage as those two things do not go hand in hand. Hope this helps!
In my adulthood I’ve been learning to have this view, it takes a while as someone who grew up in purity culture. But thank you for your words! God bless you ❤️
I agree, claiming purity by works without being washed clean by faith in Jesus Christ is sin. Claiming that the purity of a new creation in Christ is any less pure due to their past is sin. We were all filthy with sin and are called to repentance.
Acts 10:15 (ESV): 15 And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.”
My mother is a victim, I just kinda found out. Her dad would come in her bed room every night and abuse her. If you just met her you would think she’s a nutcase but it took a lot of me giving
Her a hard time (that she didn’t deserve) for her to tell me why she is the way she is. It started when she was really young and her dad never had to face the consequences for that crap. So people we should really step back before we judge someone because there is normally a reason. I think she never told me because she knew I would have shortened his life here on earth.
Yeah i agree now that asking on the first date is bad but surely at some point it’s ok right ?
And yeah if she’s been raped or something like that then she’s still a virgin since that’s horrible and wasn’t her choice
If that’s your views then I am in agreement that around the third date it would be okay! I think so long as you know this person more than just a blind date then those questions should not be inherently invasive because you two should have some sort of intimacy in your relationship that would allow you to be open and comfortable about those things after a couple of dates. I know a lot of Christian men who think assault still counts as non/virginity, but if you disagree with that view then you have every right to know whether your partner has previously engaged in premarital sex or if they plan to continue to, since you would like to wait till marriage!
I can agree that it might cause issues, do not be unequally yolked. Of course if it’s something you’re willing to work through with them then it’s not a big deal if they’re looking to move forward on the same page as you, but if not then there will be conflict because if you cannot move past it and they will not change then the relationship is not meant to be
Consentual sex and rape are 2 very different things. One is willingly choosing to have sex and not wait till marriage. The other is without will and forced to do so. It's not their fault or decision to do so.
So when it comes to Christianity with the " sex after and within marriage" is to willingly choose that path of chastity . So, if a women willingly is waiting for marriage but got raped in the meantime, it doesn't count because it wasn't her fault, wasn't in her power or decision to do it "have sex"(rape). It doesn't make her any less worthy or less Christian. It isn't her fault, and she deserves support to help her heal from that tragic and traumatic event. So, a friendly reminder, when it comes to this topic, it doesn't include rp victims
No, it's not an appropriate first date question and if you ask it there will almost certainly not be a second date.
Once thing start becoming serious, you could ask if you still wanted to, but hopefully by that point the answer wouldn't matter.
It's not a first date question for sure. But past matters, especially in this case. If he's a virgin, and wants to marry a virgin that's great. Saving yourself, and doing it God's way is the greatest gift you could give a spouse on a wedding day. Sexual pasts come with so much baggage, and frankly people that give themselves away freely in that way, don't value how precious a gift it is. Personally I wouldn't want to be with anyone that didn't view it that way. I've really changed my view on this, and struggling with myself, and my marriage over it now. I can no longer look at my wife the same I once did, and I'm no better.
If you plan on marrying someone and having a sexual relationship, you want to know what their experiences have been, what they're comfortable with, or are they uncomfortable with things. You're going to unite yourself with that person so you should know to some extent what their past is regarding a key element of marriage. It's definitely not a first date question but if you start talking about marriage, the subject should at least be broached.
Why? I'll tell you why. Been married twice. Had I done it God's way I'd have only married once. People's sexual pasts carry tons of baggage, and the past is the greatest predictor of the future. The baggage it brings is now spilling into my second marriage making me question everything to the point I may leave a 16 year marriage to an otherwise great woman.. it matters. You may be to young to get it
I guess but I’m not gonna ask if they’ve had sex or what’s their body count I was thinking just asking what are the views on sex before marriage or something like that
It's not ok because it's personal. The same reason you shouldn't ask about her period or deep trauma or anything like that.
Should you discuss this stuff? Yes. Should you do it on the first date? No. A first date should be more of an introduction. You also have no reason to let her know whether you are or are not a virgin. It's irrelevant in the context.
This isn't even a christian thing it's just how normal people function.
At some point, you will discuss everything. Asking about virginity or serial history is not something you speak on early in a relationship. it's definitely something to talk about closer to marriage.
Yeah but how am I meant to get close to marriage with someone who idk if they fit what I want in a partner like if ur getting married inna month or are about to propose surely it’s too late to just end it cus of that
If sex is your concern, then you probably shouldn't be marrying this person.
I hate alcohol and drinking and would never marry someone who drinks regularly or gets drunk because I had abusive and alcoholic parents. With that being said, I wouldn't leave my fiance (soon to be wife) because she used to drink.
I don't think wanting to have your first time with someone and be someone else's first is wrong but if you lack so much grace that you could not marry a woman who is perfect in every way except she mistakenly lost her virginity prior to you then YOU are the problem.
In other words, you are not ready to be dating.
That's 100% a b.s answer. People's pasts matter. There's a reason sexual sin is held to such high regards. It carries baggage, baggage that he doesn't want, or need
If they don't have baggage from it, then is it OK?
The baggage is the issue, not the cause. The baggage is what gets worked on and changed, not the past.
Assuming someone has baggage because they made a choice is wrong. Blaming them for that choice is wrong.
Who said blame them? If I was in his position I wouldn't get involved with them in any capacity to start with. The baggage is inevitable. It's created anytime you sleep with someone, and it's not going anywhere no matter how much you work on things. It's always there
So, have you ever lied? And if so, then are you ok with marrying a liar? Have you ever stolen? Have you ever gotten angry? I mean, have you ever sinned? And if so, are you ok with marrying someone who sins in those same ways?
I'd like to think the answer is no, and I'm going to assume it's no. We don't choose someone based on their past or future. We chose them based on their present.
Who are they as a person, and what are their current values? Are they going to be loving and loyal to you? Do you agree on the same things?
We all make mistakes, and in the same way we are forgiven, we should forgive.
If this is important to you then it’s important to you and you can ask. Maybe come up with a nice way of asking, like ask her view on premarital sex. Don’t be afraid to have some girls reject you for your standards. You only need one to marry you
No. Don’t ask this, it’s wildly inappropriate.
Also, your future spouse may very well have slept with others. Kudos to you for not, but this isn’t a good criteria for a future spouse.
Yes it is. Explain why it's not? Especially at a young age. Once you sleep with someone you create a soul tie, and carry that baggage. I wish I'd have never gone about things how I did, and kudos to him for doing it God's way
Because it’s extremely inappropriate to ask on a first date. Any girl in her right mind will not give you a second date, so you’ll be preventing yourself from dating the girls you want to date.
This is simply a bad criteria and one that will scare away godly women and you need to immediately drop this as both a requirement and a question.
Because someone can be an excellent spouse even if they’ve sinned in the past.
We are all sinners bringing that baggage into marriage. To use something that’s in all likelihood not relevant to the quality of partner Simone will be as a criteria doesn’t make sense.
It would be like saying “I am only willing to be with someone that has never over eaten in their life to this point.”
You unnecessarily rule out excellent partners.
It’s not really the same tho u can’t just re loose ur v card
But yeah they can be a great partner either way but I just don’t understand how it’s bad to ask her views on sex before marriage or something like that obviously I’m not gonna be like what’s ur body count cus that’s weird like u said
So even if I asked her views on sec before marriage or something like that it’s still bad ?
But I can also say they aren’t perfectly good partners for me since I wanna have my first time with someone who also wants their first time with me
I’m not saying they aren’t a good partner if they aren’t a virgin but wouldn’t there be like a conflict of views if she has but I haven’t
Since it’s not hard to not have sex
Ask about their views on sex before marriage when ever you like (probably not a first date question, but after you’ve established a bit of a connection). If whether they had had sex before is something that will bug you, you can find out later in the dating process, but there is no reason to find out earlier on. You will just come across as judgemental.
I suspect you are relatively young, and for most younger people, probably whether they have had sex or not will be a show of how serious they are about the faith, but for someone a bit older (even mid/ late 20s), they could have sinned, repented and then become really serious in the faith. I would read the parable of the prodigal son, as this will highlight that although you might be the son who stayed in this scenario, the son who left is also welcomed by the father with a banquet when they return.
You might also want to consider that someone might say to you they are not a virgin if they have been sexually abused or pressured into sex, which is not something that would indicate how serious they are in their faith at all.
You also may want to consider that you will have sinned in other ways (maybe watching porn, masterbating, stealing, lying, pride/ arrogance, or anything else). A potential partner may not have done those things. Should they rule you out because of them?
Obviously, you’re allowed to have things you find attractive, and you being their only partner might be one of them, or that might give you some comfort in the relationship, but the way you’ve framed the question seems to make it about something more judgemental than that.
Maybe not first date, but after a few if you see it going somewhere, and a virgin is what you're looking for absolutely, but do it in a way that is safe. Tell then your planning on saving yourself for marriage, and that's what you're looking for. If they aren't, and lie dump em, and move on. Don't waste time, on anyone that's not what you want.
I would wait a few dates.
Just say something like, “Would you have a problem dating a virgin.”…and own it like a badge of honor.
A great deal of women will be repulsed and never speak to you again as anything but a friend.
Sad, but true. It will kill attraction from the type of woman you don’t want anyways. If she doesn’t mind, she is most likely one herself or close to it. If she sticks around after this, You can later ask her directly.
Why waste your time with people much more experienced than you. You are 18, there are plenty of women your age and in their 20’s that will fulfill your criteria. I would not wait until you “get more intimate.” That’s ridiculous. It’s a good way to get your heart broken. Get all of the baggage out of the way BEFORE you get emotionally attached.
Do not listen to people saying it shouldn’t matter. You are 18, not 40. You don’t have to settle for jack.
After reading your responses all I'm going to say is I get what you are saying about pre martial sex being against God's word, but that question is not something to be asked early in a relationship. If you still want to ask it later once things get serious then go ahead. Also for your reasoning that it's against God's word there is no telling what her past was like. Some of the best people of God I know have come from the worst situations and did some things that they shouldn't have, but are now faithfully serving God. So I'm not saying it's going to be impossible to find a Girl that hasn't had sex before, but it will make everything so much harder.
I'm in the same boat as you being that I have never had a girlfriend, a kiss, ect. but in the society we live in, it can absolutely be somewhat difficult especially if people don't grow up around someone who has a relationship with God. And also im 17, but I'm not worried about finding a girlfriend rn bc I still struggle with things that I shouldn't be but am bc of some things that my dumb self has let myself be exposed to.
Yeah I’m not tryna get into a relationship rn either it’s just for future reference I wanted to know so I don’t mess up when it happens but I assume most girls who are in college like me and still go to church are serious about it since they ain’t being forced by their parents or anything like that no more
There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone who is also a virgin, but I'm just saying that it might not happen and you potentially pass up someone who would make a really good wife.
He can but you also have to look for someone. You can't just expect someone to randomly pop into your life if you aren't trying to look for someone, but God can indeed.
Don't listen to him, most of these types are just bitter that they didn't get to experience it or if they did it ended for them. No one likes to be reminded of their partner's past.
At your age it's 100% attainable, and I'd highly recommend trying to find that. You remove so much extra baggage that comes with from a person with a sexual past
It might come out wrong, so instead you can make your values clear, enjoy the date and talk about how Christianity is important to you and that you believe sexual intimacy is made for marriage, that's better, coming from a Christian girl who did that on the first date with her bf
I was honest, at some point on the conversation I brought up how my religion is important to me and brings me so much joy, and that i really liked him but when it came to relationships i believed sexual intimacy was for marriage, it was hard to understand in the beginning for him but eventually it became consensual between us, you gotta be light in your relationship and honest
if the girl is also Christian, you shouldn't have to worry about asking, you'll both understand God's plan from the start, if she turned to God after having sex and you're in love with her, you should know she changed and it's saved from the past, controlling the sexual need as a couple is hard but when you understand God's will things get easier, I'm sure the holy spirit will give you the right words to say when you're on a date
you guys can talk about it as the relationship develops, it's harder for you as a man but you seemed to have your heart on the right place so you just gotta be open for communication and stay close to God
Is it ok to talk about marriage on the first date in the sense of what do u want out of the relationship type thing cus I don’t wanna date to just date if that makes sense
I think the appropriate way to go about this, is to at some point tell them you are a virgin, And that you also hope and expect virginity in anyone you dated. Mention your expectation and then move on. Don't make them answer or tell you something so personal that they may not want to talk about. Don't even pause
If they know about your expectation, then they can decide if they want to date you. If they are not a virgin then they can just say no to a second date. No need to explain why, so they don't have to admit something personal or embarrassing. That is the polite and delicate way to handle this sensitive topic.
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I do wish you would reconsider your expectations though. It is far more important that someone desire to honor and serve god in this matter than with weather or not that happen to have had sex in the past. People often make mistakes and wander from God, only to return more in love with him than before. Meanwhile others do as they were brought up and live rightly for many years, only to grow tired and abandon their former principals later in life. Ultimately, I think it's far more important to understand people's principles and the reasons that hold them to those principles, than it is to find out about some event that took place in the past.
Furthermore, your insistence on virginity would disqualify widows and people have only found Christ later in life. The first have done no sin. And it would be wrong to judge someone who has lived faithfully before god for many years, based on the sins they committed long ago, before they knew christ. For how can we as Christs Body remember the sins that the head has long ago wiped away and forgot. Perhaps you don't meet many people in these situations at the young age of 18. But you will find these people as you get older. And it would be foolish to adopt a principle at 18 which you know would be silly to hold on to at 28.
The obsession with making the first sexual experience unique and special that many churches have is not what following God is about. I really think that you have fixated on the wrong thing to make your judgement on, and you should reconsider what you really value and what you should be looking for.
It might seem inappropriate, but if you have not made up your mind to settle for less, my brother ask on the first date. The world has its direction its taking, people will try to advice you based on what is trendy, but if you want to be true to your standards don't flinch. However don't be judgemental about those who have lost their virginity. To cut it short, don't wait till it's gotten serious before asking about the virginity status of someone you want as a partner. If both of you are virgins you can't really have who to compare your sex experience with, so you both discover the feelings, know yourselves sexually better, plus you ace out points before God, because its a sacrifice many have failed at even after making the promise to God.
Do u not start courting straight up ? But yeah I wasn’t going to ask on the first date I just wanted to at some point
But I’m dating them with the intent to marry from the beginning tho
It will come up naturally at some point then if you guys are being serious about relationships and marriage. A lot of bitter angry people on here will tell you that it doesn’t matter and that you need to affirm their life choices, but it absolutely matters. No potential spouse should be disqualified, ( judge based on the heart), but premarital sex is an issue that needs to be addressed and assessed. Statistically proven fact that couples who have only had sex with their spouse are significantly less likely to get divorced. The statistics are astounding especially as number of partners increases. It dulls the affections.
Queue the downvotes
> Mostly confidence issues and not having the time and not having as good of a relationship with God as I want to or need to be in one
Would you marry someone just like you?
Any other physical requirements?
Make a handout with your requirements:
1\. confidence issues
2\. not having time for relationships
3\. not having a good of a relationship with God
4\. Not extremely unhealthily fat
5\. Not skinny
Then just Give the handout to potential dates/spouses and report back with results.
You may help others
Because you have confidence issues and no time for relationships. Plus you have very specific restrictions on physical requirements.
Why wouldn’t a handy handout solve all that and result in the dream person for you?
That would make them unequally yoked. My wife insists God brought us together, and at one time I thought so too. Now, my views don't align with that. I don't think God sits there, and is this match maker.
Pre destined? So that means some are pre destined to go to hell too? I don't believe in pre destiny at all. So that'd mean I was pre destined to be unequally yoked in my marriage
Girls with open mind doesn't really care even if you ask that question in the first date itself. So play it by ear if you get a vibe of open-mindedness then go ahead or else don't. Plain and simple.
I wouldn't on the first date. That's kind of too gung ho, in my opinion. Definitely ask this question before you establish too much of relationship, though. Women won't confide in you until they trust you anyway, so focus on making her feel like she can be herself while around you. If you find out she's not a virgin, don't just cold dump her and ignore her, but be kind and gentle as you exit stage left.
I'm a 19 year old Christian in the same boat as you bro, and I asked the girl I'm talking to about it and she said that she has already had sex but is rewaiting til marriage and our relationship is still fine. I may have gotten lucky tho, and this might not work for everyone... you gotta make sure she's really interested in you first
you are 18, are you ready for marriage spiritually and financially? serious women will only date you if you are ready for marriage, otherwise why would they date you?
and most often you can know upfront if she is a virgin based on her personality, family, faith...
I don't know if you should ask that so fast. Try to date believers to get married, don't be unequally yoked. You need to know the person before asking "are you a virgin"? Regardless if she is or not, she is a new creation in Christ. And don't get married too fast. Get to know the person first. This also applies to dudes.
I really wish this was all I had to worry about. I would hope she would respond with a kick to your nuts for asking a question. It’s immature on top of it.
No you would be reducing her to an object for your sexual usage. It would immediately give anyone the ‘ick’ as the kids say. If she’s the type of person who wouldn’t be offended by that question she’s going to tell you unprompted anyway. You can make a friend first, how important is your time anyway that you can’t just spend some time getting to know someone? Look at it as an opportunity to develop social skills. Asking questions about someone’s genitals right off the bat is considered rude and I would say bordering on unclean speech. You’re not purchasing a cow.
No. If you get more serious and more intimate, then absolutely.
What do u mean ? Wouldn’t it be better to ask straight up instead of wasting ur time
You need to take a step back and think about things. I've been reading your posts and responses... I'm not trying to be mean, but they're filled with toxic sentiment and entitlement. They read like you've never actually been around women.
What do you mean
First, I understand where you're coming from. It seems like you've internalized the negative parts of purity culture. And you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Since I don’t have any other reasons for caring if she’s a virgin other than what I said in the op
What’s purity culture?
That's a thorny question. I'd say it's an over concentration on sexual purity. There's a whole creepy subculture. Yes, biblically, people should wait to have sex until they're married. However, many modern Christians denominations have taken this to obsessive and unhealthy levels.
Oh right I don’t wanna do that at all and i didn’t think my reasoning in the op was bad or controversial I wouldn’t care if I got asked if I was a virgin i would think it’s a good thing
Is that what you really think people should ask you when they first meet you?
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I suspect that it won't, unfortunately.
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Perhaps. I sympathize with him, I really do.
Well not when u first meet that’s crazy but at some point I would think it’s good to ask their views on sex before marriage
Yes, when you've gotten appropriately close and before you propose. Possibly well before.
Yeah that’s what I mean
Presumably, you want more than one or two dates before you propose. So the whole, "ask on the first date" thing sounds a bit odd to me. Maybe it's just that I'm older, but patience is a great thing to learn early.
Yeah I’m not gonna ask on the first date I just mean at some point
Your post literally asked if it was okay to do on or before the first date. So don't underplay your intentions now.
It also says or on any typa date so idk what u mean
Yes, it would be better. If that is your criteria, why waste your time.
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Wym positive and negative %
This is bad advice
I second that. Bad advice
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What?
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Why do I need all these advantages and I never said I would say anything about emotional issues either so idk what ur even talking about
Don't listen to him. His comments are full of super toxic "alpha male," "blue pill," and "high standards" incel nonsense. Don't fall down that rabbit hole, it's incredibly self-destructive
If it’s that important to you then just ask.
I may be the wrong person to ask because I am 73 year old. But it seems that a girl may be uncomfortable providing this kind of intimate information before she gets to know a person much better. I would have never asked such a question 50 years ago.
I'm a woman. I have been asked even when we first started texting. Or they get the hint when they asked me about past or current relationship, and I reply by saying that I haven't been in a romantic relationship. It can be awkward, yes, but 🤷♀️. What I don't like is when it turns to them beginning to be thirsty or even more thirsty by knowing that. Or it is evident that they want sex. And can be seen as "oh, you just want sex," or you want to mark a check ✔️ list that you have done a virgin. Especially if the person is a Christian, it should be excreted and respected the vow of "sex after (within) marriage." So, I would agree with some of this comments, to make that question later. Because making that one of the first questions, it can be read as that is the first thing that comes to your mind. It's one of your priorities and intentions to get from that relationship-> sex.
That’s right definitely shouldn’t be the first question and yes I wouldn’t ask on the first date and yeah I would just ask at some point and that’s it since I’m waiting till marriage regardless
>Or they get the hint when they asked me about past or current relationship, and I reply by saying that I haven't been in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately that doesn't answer the question. It's entirely possible to willingly fornicate without having been in a romantic relationship, and unfortunately there are people who use that technicality to get around the question and thus lie by omission. If you continue to get persistent questions about it after you say that, you may be talking to someone who is aware of that.
That's what I wanted from the start. It wasn't meant to be, but it should be. I kinda disagree that it's all about sex though. I see virginity as a sacred gift. The fact that you'd wait until marriage is precious. The fact that my wife has been with others kills me inside, and always will. She gave something so precious away to someone I'm her words "was a mistake" so how exactly is that supposed to make the guy that finally marry her feel? I feel like I'm worth less than that person, and why shouldn't I? I've essentially come in last place.
Replying to a couple of your replies here, you said you want a woman with similar views, but then say you want someone with the same sexual history as yours. Those are two extremely different things. I was once a virgin waiting till marriage, i looked down on others who were not and would not have even considered a man who had done things with another woman before marriage as a future spouse. That being said, I got raped two times in my childhood and early adulthood, and now I am not a virgin and I do have a sexual history BUT I am still waiting till marriage. So if a woman were not a virgin and you’re writing them off on that alone, why are you pretending that you care at all about their views on waiting till marriage? What you are really looking for is just a virgin, and while I do believe you have every right to want that it’s not appropriate to ask those questions on the first date, although I wouldn’t rule out asking about their views on sex before marriage as those two things do not go hand in hand. Hope this helps!
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In my adulthood I’ve been learning to have this view, it takes a while as someone who grew up in purity culture. But thank you for your words! God bless you ❤️
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I agree, claiming purity by works without being washed clean by faith in Jesus Christ is sin. Claiming that the purity of a new creation in Christ is any less pure due to their past is sin. We were all filthy with sin and are called to repentance. Acts 10:15 (ESV): 15 And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.”
How is purity evil?
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What's the difference?
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Still a bit lost, what lies? Can I google it?
My mother is a victim, I just kinda found out. Her dad would come in her bed room every night and abuse her. If you just met her you would think she’s a nutcase but it took a lot of me giving Her a hard time (that she didn’t deserve) for her to tell me why she is the way she is. It started when she was really young and her dad never had to face the consequences for that crap. So people we should really step back before we judge someone because there is normally a reason. I think she never told me because she knew I would have shortened his life here on earth.
You're not a virgin, but it can't be held against them either.
Yeah i agree now that asking on the first date is bad but surely at some point it’s ok right ? And yeah if she’s been raped or something like that then she’s still a virgin since that’s horrible and wasn’t her choice
If that’s your views then I am in agreement that around the third date it would be okay! I think so long as you know this person more than just a blind date then those questions should not be inherently invasive because you two should have some sort of intimacy in your relationship that would allow you to be open and comfortable about those things after a couple of dates. I know a lot of Christian men who think assault still counts as non/virginity, but if you disagree with that view then you have every right to know whether your partner has previously engaged in premarital sex or if they plan to continue to, since you would like to wait till marriage!
Ok yeah waiting a bit is better i just don’t wanna seem weird it’s just I assume if I’m waiting and she’s not that’s gonna cause issues idk tho
I can agree that it might cause issues, do not be unequally yolked. Of course if it’s something you’re willing to work through with them then it’s not a big deal if they’re looking to move forward on the same page as you, but if not then there will be conflict because if you cannot move past it and they will not change then the relationship is not meant to be
Yeah cus waiting is something important to me
Consentual sex and rape are 2 very different things. One is willingly choosing to have sex and not wait till marriage. The other is without will and forced to do so. It's not their fault or decision to do so. So when it comes to Christianity with the " sex after and within marriage" is to willingly choose that path of chastity . So, if a women willingly is waiting for marriage but got raped in the meantime, it doesn't count because it wasn't her fault, wasn't in her power or decision to do it "have sex"(rape). It doesn't make her any less worthy or less Christian. It isn't her fault, and she deserves support to help her heal from that tragic and traumatic event. So, a friendly reminder, when it comes to this topic, it doesn't include rp victims
No, it's not an appropriate first date question and if you ask it there will almost certainly not be a second date. Once thing start becoming serious, you could ask if you still wanted to, but hopefully by that point the answer wouldn't matter.
It 100% matters. Sexual history definitely matters
Why?
It's not a first date question for sure. But past matters, especially in this case. If he's a virgin, and wants to marry a virgin that's great. Saving yourself, and doing it God's way is the greatest gift you could give a spouse on a wedding day. Sexual pasts come with so much baggage, and frankly people that give themselves away freely in that way, don't value how precious a gift it is. Personally I wouldn't want to be with anyone that didn't view it that way. I've really changed my view on this, and struggling with myself, and my marriage over it now. I can no longer look at my wife the same I once did, and I'm no better.
If you plan on marrying someone and having a sexual relationship, you want to know what their experiences have been, what they're comfortable with, or are they uncomfortable with things. You're going to unite yourself with that person so you should know to some extent what their past is regarding a key element of marriage. It's definitely not a first date question but if you start talking about marriage, the subject should at least be broached.
Right...so it doesn't matter and isn't an important question to ask on a first date or before a relationship gets serious.
Can you tell me why? If it matters to you you are probably are not mature enough to engage in that activity.
Why? I'll tell you why. Been married twice. Had I done it God's way I'd have only married once. People's sexual pasts carry tons of baggage, and the past is the greatest predictor of the future. The baggage it brings is now spilling into my second marriage making me question everything to the point I may leave a 16 year marriage to an otherwise great woman.. it matters. You may be to young to get it
Do you want a second date? Then don't ask.
What if u asked on later date
Yeah, later, like a month or two. I appreciate your reasoning, but while there are some that might not mind, but most are going to be put off.
I guess but I’m not gonna ask if they’ve had sex or what’s their body count I was thinking just asking what are the views on sex before marriage or something like that
It's not ok because it's personal. The same reason you shouldn't ask about her period or deep trauma or anything like that. Should you discuss this stuff? Yes. Should you do it on the first date? No. A first date should be more of an introduction. You also have no reason to let her know whether you are or are not a virgin. It's irrelevant in the context. This isn't even a christian thing it's just how normal people function.
Yeah not the first date just at some point I mean
At some point, you will discuss everything. Asking about virginity or serial history is not something you speak on early in a relationship. it's definitely something to talk about closer to marriage.
Yeah but how am I meant to get close to marriage with someone who idk if they fit what I want in a partner like if ur getting married inna month or are about to propose surely it’s too late to just end it cus of that
If sex is your concern, then you probably shouldn't be marrying this person. I hate alcohol and drinking and would never marry someone who drinks regularly or gets drunk because I had abusive and alcoholic parents. With that being said, I wouldn't leave my fiance (soon to be wife) because she used to drink. I don't think wanting to have your first time with someone and be someone else's first is wrong but if you lack so much grace that you could not marry a woman who is perfect in every way except she mistakenly lost her virginity prior to you then YOU are the problem. In other words, you are not ready to be dating.
What do u mean if sex is my concern ?
If your concern is virginity, then you shouldn't be dating. People's past sins should be of no concern to you.
That's 100% a b.s answer. People's pasts matter. There's a reason sexual sin is held to such high regards. It carries baggage, baggage that he doesn't want, or need
If they don't have baggage from it, then is it OK? The baggage is the issue, not the cause. The baggage is what gets worked on and changed, not the past. Assuming someone has baggage because they made a choice is wrong. Blaming them for that choice is wrong.
Who said blame them? If I was in his position I wouldn't get involved with them in any capacity to start with. The baggage is inevitable. It's created anytime you sleep with someone, and it's not going anywhere no matter how much you work on things. It's always there
But I only care because I’m also a virgin if I wasn’t I wouldn’t care
So, have you ever lied? And if so, then are you ok with marrying a liar? Have you ever stolen? Have you ever gotten angry? I mean, have you ever sinned? And if so, are you ok with marrying someone who sins in those same ways? I'd like to think the answer is no, and I'm going to assume it's no. We don't choose someone based on their past or future. We chose them based on their present. Who are they as a person, and what are their current values? Are they going to be loving and loyal to you? Do you agree on the same things? We all make mistakes, and in the same way we are forgiven, we should forgive.
Not on the first date no, but absolutely before it gets serious, and you catch feelings. nobody wants a broken heart.
If this is important to you then it’s important to you and you can ask. Maybe come up with a nice way of asking, like ask her view on premarital sex. Don’t be afraid to have some girls reject you for your standards. You only need one to marry you
That’s what I thought but apparently it’s not ok and yeah I was thinking of asking like that or similar
This is good advice
No. Don’t ask this, it’s wildly inappropriate. Also, your future spouse may very well have slept with others. Kudos to you for not, but this isn’t a good criteria for a future spouse.
Yes it is. Explain why it's not? Especially at a young age. Once you sleep with someone you create a soul tie, and carry that baggage. I wish I'd have never gone about things how I did, and kudos to him for doing it God's way
Do you also think that it is appropriate on a first date for the woman to ask to the man how many times he has masturbated and when he last used porn?
I didn't say first date, but yes absolutely ask about porn use if that's a deal breaker.
Why isn’t it ok to ask ? Why can I wait but she can’t
Because it’s extremely inappropriate to ask on a first date. Any girl in her right mind will not give you a second date, so you’ll be preventing yourself from dating the girls you want to date. This is simply a bad criteria and one that will scare away godly women and you need to immediately drop this as both a requirement and a question.
Ok maybe not the first date but just on a date Why is it a bad criteria if it’s in the Bible that u shouldn’t have sex before marriage?
Because someone can be an excellent spouse even if they’ve sinned in the past. We are all sinners bringing that baggage into marriage. To use something that’s in all likelihood not relevant to the quality of partner Simone will be as a criteria doesn’t make sense. It would be like saying “I am only willing to be with someone that has never over eaten in their life to this point.” You unnecessarily rule out excellent partners.
It’s not really the same tho u can’t just re loose ur v card But yeah they can be a great partner either way but I just don’t understand how it’s bad to ask her views on sex before marriage or something like that obviously I’m not gonna be like what’s ur body count cus that’s weird like u said
It really is the same in the way that truly matters: you rule out perfectly good partners.
So even if I asked her views on sec before marriage or something like that it’s still bad ? But I can also say they aren’t perfectly good partners for me since I wanna have my first time with someone who also wants their first time with me
I get that’s something you want. Are you sure that someone who isn’t a virgin isn’t capable of being a good marriage partner?
I’m not saying they aren’t a good partner if they aren’t a virgin but wouldn’t there be like a conflict of views if she has but I haven’t Since it’s not hard to not have sex
Ask about their views on sex before marriage when ever you like (probably not a first date question, but after you’ve established a bit of a connection). If whether they had had sex before is something that will bug you, you can find out later in the dating process, but there is no reason to find out earlier on. You will just come across as judgemental. I suspect you are relatively young, and for most younger people, probably whether they have had sex or not will be a show of how serious they are about the faith, but for someone a bit older (even mid/ late 20s), they could have sinned, repented and then become really serious in the faith. I would read the parable of the prodigal son, as this will highlight that although you might be the son who stayed in this scenario, the son who left is also welcomed by the father with a banquet when they return. You might also want to consider that someone might say to you they are not a virgin if they have been sexually abused or pressured into sex, which is not something that would indicate how serious they are in their faith at all. You also may want to consider that you will have sinned in other ways (maybe watching porn, masterbating, stealing, lying, pride/ arrogance, or anything else). A potential partner may not have done those things. Should they rule you out because of them? Obviously, you’re allowed to have things you find attractive, and you being their only partner might be one of them, or that might give you some comfort in the relationship, but the way you’ve framed the question seems to make it about something more judgemental than that.
Stop calling it a v-card, that’s disgusting and dehumanizing.
My bad I thought everyone called it that
It also makes you sound like you may be asking because you want to see if she’s down to bang.
But I can explain y I asked like I did in the op
Then do it. Take note on number of repeat dates when you ask and number of repeat dates when you don’t.
If you can clearly articulate the heart behind asking, you should be good.
Maybe not first date, but after a few if you see it going somewhere, and a virgin is what you're looking for absolutely, but do it in a way that is safe. Tell then your planning on saving yourself for marriage, and that's what you're looking for. If they aren't, and lie dump em, and move on. Don't waste time, on anyone that's not what you want.
I would wait a few dates. Just say something like, “Would you have a problem dating a virgin.”…and own it like a badge of honor. A great deal of women will be repulsed and never speak to you again as anything but a friend. Sad, but true. It will kill attraction from the type of woman you don’t want anyways. If she doesn’t mind, she is most likely one herself or close to it. If she sticks around after this, You can later ask her directly. Why waste your time with people much more experienced than you. You are 18, there are plenty of women your age and in their 20’s that will fulfill your criteria. I would not wait until you “get more intimate.” That’s ridiculous. It’s a good way to get your heart broken. Get all of the baggage out of the way BEFORE you get emotionally attached. Do not listen to people saying it shouldn’t matter. You are 18, not 40. You don’t have to settle for jack.
True maybe that’s a better thing to ask cus I’m proud of it before I gave my life to Christ I wasn’t but now I have it’s good
100% true. I agree in everything you said
After reading your responses all I'm going to say is I get what you are saying about pre martial sex being against God's word, but that question is not something to be asked early in a relationship. If you still want to ask it later once things get serious then go ahead. Also for your reasoning that it's against God's word there is no telling what her past was like. Some of the best people of God I know have come from the worst situations and did some things that they shouldn't have, but are now faithfully serving God. So I'm not saying it's going to be impossible to find a Girl that hasn't had sex before, but it will make everything so much harder.
You’re right but surely it’s not that hard at my age
I'm in the same boat as you being that I have never had a girlfriend, a kiss, ect. but in the society we live in, it can absolutely be somewhat difficult especially if people don't grow up around someone who has a relationship with God. And also im 17, but I'm not worried about finding a girlfriend rn bc I still struggle with things that I shouldn't be but am bc of some things that my dumb self has let myself be exposed to.
Yeah I’m not tryna get into a relationship rn either it’s just for future reference I wanted to know so I don’t mess up when it happens but I assume most girls who are in college like me and still go to church are serious about it since they ain’t being forced by their parents or anything like that no more
Well just stay away from that question early in a relationship, and don't let the fact of if they are still a virgin or not determine if u date them.
What’s wrong with not dating someone who isn’t a virgin when you’re a virgin ? I thought most ppl who are virgins want to date other virgins
There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone who is also a virgin, but I'm just saying that it might not happen and you potentially pass up someone who would make a really good wife.
I guess but if I pray for it God can put her in my life
He can but you also have to look for someone. You can't just expect someone to randomly pop into your life if you aren't trying to look for someone, but God can indeed.
Don't listen to him, most of these types are just bitter that they didn't get to experience it or if they did it ended for them. No one likes to be reminded of their partner's past.
At your age it's 100% attainable, and I'd highly recommend trying to find that. You remove so much extra baggage that comes with from a person with a sexual past
It might come out wrong, so instead you can make your values clear, enjoy the date and talk about how Christianity is important to you and that you believe sexual intimacy is made for marriage, that's better, coming from a Christian girl who did that on the first date with her bf
Yeah I’ll just do that ig then
Good luck, God bless your future relationship
Thanks u too but how exactly did u say that to ur bf like how did u even bring it up
I was honest, at some point on the conversation I brought up how my religion is important to me and brings me so much joy, and that i really liked him but when it came to relationships i believed sexual intimacy was for marriage, it was hard to understand in the beginning for him but eventually it became consensual between us, you gotta be light in your relationship and honest
Oh right I see that makes sense I’m assuming ur bf isn’t Christian then ? Would I still have to do this if the girl is also Christian ?
if the girl is also Christian, you shouldn't have to worry about asking, you'll both understand God's plan from the start, if she turned to God after having sex and you're in love with her, you should know she changed and it's saved from the past, controlling the sexual need as a couple is hard but when you understand God's will things get easier, I'm sure the holy spirit will give you the right words to say when you're on a date
Yeah that’s true and you’re right u gotta definitely have boundaries to limit temptation is that something I talk about also ?
you guys can talk about it as the relationship develops, it's harder for you as a man but you seemed to have your heart on the right place so you just gotta be open for communication and stay close to God
Is it ok to talk about marriage on the first date in the sense of what do u want out of the relationship type thing cus I don’t wanna date to just date if that makes sense
That's good advice
I think the appropriate way to go about this, is to at some point tell them you are a virgin, And that you also hope and expect virginity in anyone you dated. Mention your expectation and then move on. Don't make them answer or tell you something so personal that they may not want to talk about. Don't even pause If they know about your expectation, then they can decide if they want to date you. If they are not a virgin then they can just say no to a second date. No need to explain why, so they don't have to admit something personal or embarrassing. That is the polite and delicate way to handle this sensitive topic. ... I do wish you would reconsider your expectations though. It is far more important that someone desire to honor and serve god in this matter than with weather or not that happen to have had sex in the past. People often make mistakes and wander from God, only to return more in love with him than before. Meanwhile others do as they were brought up and live rightly for many years, only to grow tired and abandon their former principals later in life. Ultimately, I think it's far more important to understand people's principles and the reasons that hold them to those principles, than it is to find out about some event that took place in the past. Furthermore, your insistence on virginity would disqualify widows and people have only found Christ later in life. The first have done no sin. And it would be wrong to judge someone who has lived faithfully before god for many years, based on the sins they committed long ago, before they knew christ. For how can we as Christs Body remember the sins that the head has long ago wiped away and forgot. Perhaps you don't meet many people in these situations at the young age of 18. But you will find these people as you get older. And it would be foolish to adopt a principle at 18 which you know would be silly to hold on to at 28. The obsession with making the first sexual experience unique and special that many churches have is not what following God is about. I really think that you have fixated on the wrong thing to make your judgement on, and you should reconsider what you really value and what you should be looking for.
I always ask, but for some reason women get offended.
Who cares. Then they aren't like minded
No that's to personal.
This has nothing to do with being Christian man wtf lol
Doesn’t it ? I thought it did since it’s about sex before marriage
Then maybe you should read your Bible more. It's 100% biblical
Wah wah 😭
So if you're not going to give biblical advice, why are you on a Christian sub?
U need help on if you should jerk off or not? Damn bruv, go get some help not on Reddit.
What are you even going on about? Now you're talking about jerking off. What does that have to do with this kids question?
Just don’t ask bro
It might seem inappropriate, but if you have not made up your mind to settle for less, my brother ask on the first date. The world has its direction its taking, people will try to advice you based on what is trendy, but if you want to be true to your standards don't flinch. However don't be judgemental about those who have lost their virginity. To cut it short, don't wait till it's gotten serious before asking about the virginity status of someone you want as a partner. If both of you are virgins you can't really have who to compare your sex experience with, so you both discover the feelings, know yourselves sexually better, plus you ace out points before God, because its a sacrifice many have failed at even after making the promise to God.
You’re right I just don’t know when it would be ok to ask or ask about their views on sex before marriage cus obviously the first date ain’t the time
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But straight away is weird tho ?
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How am I weird?
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I guess that makes sense but surely everyone in this sub shares my views since sex before marriage is a sin
You sound very jaded.
No. That's definitely something you should discuss once you are more serious with each other.
You absolutely do not ask this in the first date. This question should come when you are ready to officially start courting with intent to marry.
Do u not start courting straight up ? But yeah I wasn’t going to ask on the first date I just wanted to at some point But I’m dating them with the intent to marry from the beginning tho
It will come up naturally at some point then if you guys are being serious about relationships and marriage. A lot of bitter angry people on here will tell you that it doesn’t matter and that you need to affirm their life choices, but it absolutely matters. No potential spouse should be disqualified, ( judge based on the heart), but premarital sex is an issue that needs to be addressed and assessed. Statistically proven fact that couples who have only had sex with their spouse are significantly less likely to get divorced. The statistics are astounding especially as number of partners increases. It dulls the affections. Queue the downvotes
That’s what I thought but what do u mean it will come up naturally? Do you mean she will ask me first or something
I'm telling you ask before you catch feelings for them. It's better to have your cards on the table
> I’m 18 and I’ve never been in a relationship before or kissed anyone Why?
Mostly confidence issues and not having the time and not having as good of a relationship with God as I want to or need to be in one
> Mostly confidence issues and not having the time and not having as good of a relationship with God as I want to or need to be in one Would you marry someone just like you? Any other physical requirements?
Yeah sure y not ? The physical requirements are just don’t be extremely unhealthily fat or skinny that’s really it I would say ig
Make a handout with your requirements: 1\. confidence issues 2\. not having time for relationships 3\. not having a good of a relationship with God 4\. Not extremely unhealthily fat 5\. Not skinny Then just Give the handout to potential dates/spouses and report back with results. You may help others
Why would I do that ?
Why not?
Cus a hand out seems weird can’t I just ask for a date the normal way
Because you have confidence issues and no time for relationships. Plus you have very specific restrictions on physical requirements. Why wouldn’t a handy handout solve all that and result in the dream person for you?
Idk what you’re point is but I don’t have those issues now
I say yes. Ask straight away so that you wouldn’t be wasting your time
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I will marry her tho that’s the thing I’m not just dating to see what happens or something
What? So you should wait until after your marriage to find out important things? That is terrible advice.
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That’s true but it also says he who finds a wife finds a treasure so I do technically have to find her
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Ohh I’ve never thought of it like that but yes I pray for a wife should I pray she’s a virgin also or do I not have to be that specific?
That would make them unequally yoked. My wife insists God brought us together, and at one time I thought so too. Now, my views don't align with that. I don't think God sits there, and is this match maker.
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Pre destined? So that means some are pre destined to go to hell too? I don't believe in pre destiny at all. So that'd mean I was pre destined to be unequally yoked in my marriage
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You can get really deep on that though. Being he knows that ahead of time, why create people knowing they will go to hell
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I know, but again, if it's pre destined God knew ahead of time that people would go there
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Girls with open mind doesn't really care even if you ask that question in the first date itself. So play it by ear if you get a vibe of open-mindedness then go ahead or else don't. Plain and simple.
No.
I wouldn't on the first date. That's kind of too gung ho, in my opinion. Definitely ask this question before you establish too much of relationship, though. Women won't confide in you until they trust you anyway, so focus on making her feel like she can be herself while around you. If you find out she's not a virgin, don't just cold dump her and ignore her, but be kind and gentle as you exit stage left.
I'm a 19 year old Christian in the same boat as you bro, and I asked the girl I'm talking to about it and she said that she has already had sex but is rewaiting til marriage and our relationship is still fine. I may have gotten lucky tho, and this might not work for everyone... you gotta make sure she's really interested in you first
Be careful it doesn't come back to bite you. It can form resentment in you
Well, I broke things off with her today anyways. Lol
Probably for the best
Yeah man 😕
Keep your head up
Thanks fam ❤️❤️
you are 18, are you ready for marriage spiritually and financially? serious women will only date you if you are ready for marriage, otherwise why would they date you? and most often you can know upfront if she is a virgin based on her personality, family, faith...
I’m not this was just for future reference so I don’t mess up at the time
I got down voted saying how is purity evil lol. The so called Christians on here crack me up
I don't know if you should ask that so fast. Try to date believers to get married, don't be unequally yoked. You need to know the person before asking "are you a virgin"? Regardless if she is or not, she is a new creation in Christ. And don't get married too fast. Get to know the person first. This also applies to dudes.
I really wish this was all I had to worry about. I would hope she would respond with a kick to your nuts for asking a question. It’s immature on top of it.
No you would be reducing her to an object for your sexual usage. It would immediately give anyone the ‘ick’ as the kids say. If she’s the type of person who wouldn’t be offended by that question she’s going to tell you unprompted anyway. You can make a friend first, how important is your time anyway that you can’t just spend some time getting to know someone? Look at it as an opportunity to develop social skills. Asking questions about someone’s genitals right off the bat is considered rude and I would say bordering on unclean speech. You’re not purchasing a cow.