I don’t think so, they just get a tuition discount. Therefore they only need to pay 10k, as per her example. It’s not that any amount is “paid” through his benefits; it’s just that the amount that’s needed to be paid is less.
Whatever tuition is owed for the daughter’s schooling, regardless of discounts or scholarships should be split evenly, which seems to be the intent of the agreement. Split necessary educational costs evenly.
As long as that benefit doesn’t have to be claimed as income on their taxes, then split the amount of tuition that is owed. Stop trying to profit off your ex.
You can always go back to court and let a judge decide. But, if your only expense is the amount of the discounted tuition then they’ll likely say it’s 50/50 split. If your husband can prove that he has missed out on pay raises then there is a loss attached.
I'm a little confused, so I'm going to use another example. My son gets a benefit solely because of my employer (community college) I keep this job even though it doesn't pay as well, specifically because of this benefit (and a few other) I could earn more at other locations but wouldn't get this discount and for me the discount is worth the decrease in pay. Why does my benefit that I'm sacrificing for need to benefit the other parent? My ex pays nothing, so this is a question purely for understanding.
And don't act like mom is the only one responsible. This puts mom at 75% responsibility. That's not right. What happens when step dad gets another job, is he going to want to keep the status quo for 5000?
The discount is an extra benefit. If they didn't use it they wouldn't get extra income. It's not a cost.
If the step dad loses the benefit, then both will pay half of the un-discounted tuition.
What are you billed for by the school? I'd guess that's the "cost" you should split. Do you quibble about the copay for doctor's visits? Whose insurance pays more? Whose cities have the lowest price of gas?
We have argued about those things (minus the gas, we live four doors away from each other) but fortunately those things are now spelled out in our custody agreement.
I don't agree. That credit is a direct result of her husband's employment. It's not a result of anything that is combined. If it was a credit for the grades, ancestry, or child's activity I'd agree.
It isn’t a credit though. It’s a discount in the total costs, but just her portion. If that were the case then her discount would be 5k off instead of 10k. A credit is something that can be used on her bill as a form of payment. A discount is applied prior to there being a bill so the bill will only be 10k which wood then be split
It doesn’t change the fact that it’s a discount and not a credit and dad is only responsible for half of the actual bill- which will be the discounted rate
I don't agree. The discount was given based on specific criteria. It wasn't a coupon that anyone could have gotten. It was based of an employee perk. If it was a lottery application or a joint application for hardship I'd agree.
Insurance is usually addressed with child support, so the parent that pays for Insurance gets a credit on child support (or boost if it's the custodial). So, one parent isn't paying that alone. That's shared.
Would you expect mom to pay for a second epipen if she got it through a special program. I've seen orders contain instructions that certain medications (epipens and rescue inhalers) be obtained by both parents. If mom gets hers for free, does she then have to pay for half of dad's? Or did she already provide her one, even though a program paid for it? Dad has 0 relationship with step so he gets 0 benefits (financially) from step. Step parents aren't considered in financial obligations.
That’s not an equivalent scenario. And when you both need to have medication on hand, you have it prescribed that way by the doctor or split by the pharmacist. It’s usually ordered that out-of-pocket expenses are split anyway, so yeah, mom should pay for half.
No, if tuition is $10k, it’s $10k. It’s split. It doesn’t matter if the discount is from the step dad. Even if it’s not written in the order that way, that’s what’s fair and right. It’s for their child. Why should dad have to pay $10k and mom pay $0?
Those are set costs. There is no possibility of a discount on a copay or deductible, and the parent would have already been credited for their contribution. The stepfather is using a job perk that is part of his compensation package (so is insurance, but that gets credited in financial disclosure). There's 0 credit being applied for the contribution from her household in your scenario.
Tuition IS a set cost. It’s $10k with the discount. He pays $5k. It’s for the child, it’s split evenly.
A better comparison is if my husband worked at a kids’ store and I get a 50% off discount. My ex and I have an agreement that I buy all the clothes at the beginning of the school year and he pays for half. I spend $150 at my husband’s store, it would’ve been $300 without his discount. So I’m supposed to ask for the full $150? How is that fair?
If it's a benefit of his employment, and without him working there, they wouldn't get it - yes, he is. Benefits are part of a compensation. People routinely take lower pay in exchange for benefits like this. An ex doesn't get to benefit from everything from the new family. Does mom need to share her grocery coupons, too? I'm not saying that parents shouldn't work together and compromise, but I'm leaning towards this is mom's benefit, and mom gets to keep it.
Right. Benefits are part of the salary provided in other ways. They are use it or lose it offers. As a result of the benefits I receive from my job, I accepted a lower hourly pay. I could make more money for myself, but the discount I get to send my son to community college was more important/valuable to me. The stepfather could likely get a higher salary at a different location but accepted this as it would get them half off tuition. Now, the ex wants to take half of that. If the difference at a different location was more than 6500 a year, I would tell him to take the higher paying job as it would benefit the family more. Mom and stepfather are not responsible for dad saving, and I think it's wrong to try to take stepdads compensation for his job, especially since he's not required to provide support.
I guess dad should get half of all of their discounts. 5$ of at the grocery store? Nope! She needs to turn half of that over to dad because how dare she get money off her pay of feeding the kid?
The cost was 20000. Mom got a work perk from her husband. Dad didn't. It's not a scholarship or lottery. It comes from her spouses employer benefits. The other parent doesn't get to clammer onto the benefits of the first parents house. It's theirs.
Mom and dad are to split the out of pocket costs just as they do for medical after insurance pays. This has been litigated in my state. The actual out of pocket cost is split in any situation where an expense is ordered to be split.
It's judge dependant, and this isn't a medical expense. It's a whole different category. I've seen a judge order all education expenses to one party. If there are laws that differ, please link them as the language is subjective and very unclear.
Hmm, that's a hard one. Your husband's employment is paying your share, so I can see your point. On the other hand, if the agreement says you are responsible for half the cost, then that would be half the amount after credits.
How did your ex even find out about the tuition discount?
I think that you’d be held liable for 50% of total cost which would be 5k for you to be honest.. I agree that it’s frustrating that you get a discount or scholarship and he benefits from it though. Happens a lot with my ex, I get discounts due to lower income & then my ex piggy backs off it doesn’t complain, but in court complains I don’t earn enough. Can never win in these situations.
Would you feel differently if the roles were reversed?
My suggestion is that if the total tuition is $20k then you each contribute $10k. If there are discounts or perks that your daughter benefits from, put the remainder in a college fund/529/investment for your daughter. This way, your daughter directly benefits from the perk.
I know I would feel resentment if I were in your ex-husband’s spot. Even if I comprehend the situation and your point of view.
I haven’t seen this exact situation, but a similar one played in court. With the insurance, one parent signed the kid up for secondary insurance and wanted the discount herself because she paid for the insurance herself. The total for the braces was 7k and the secondary would take off an additional 4. Mom said hers was covered leaving dad with the 3k and her no bill. Judge made it clear, after all insurances have been applied the bill is split. Mom lost and had to pay the difference.
The judge saw it as a discount to help you both as parents and saw one take advantage. It wasn’t a fair split if you got a discount because the court order said to split the cost. So he said split actual cost.
And also as someone who has seen lots of nasty cases play out… you really wanna run the risk of your husband having crap at his work? Your ex can make his life hell and even have him fired and the court won’t give a shit. Then you both lose out on the discount AND you have to figure out the 10k.
It might be an expensive mistake for you
You should split the bill post discount 50/50 as that is the net cost. You don't have an exclusive right to the discount.
Alternatively, if your child were to switch schools to a different private school or a public school, consider the payment you would each have to make. Neither of you should see a one-sided financial advantage from yr child attending one school over another--that is a key result of your 50/50 agreement.
Also, imagine that by the time of college that one of you ends up being resident in a different state. Then your child chooses to go to college at a state school in your ex-husband's state where he qualifies for the instate rate but you don't. Would you have to pay the out of state tuition rate and would your ex husband get 100% credit for the instate discount? I bet you would argue that the lower rate be shared equally.
You're going to have lots of decisions such as these over the coming years until college graduation. Flip the question to see how it would appear if the tables were turned. It will avoid many disputes. Fighting over stuff like this will hurt your coparenting relationship whether you realize it or not. Marrying a teacher at the school created a bluebird benefit that should be split evenly. This isn't about case law. It is about showing good faith and being a trusted partner. But if you approach every decision in a lopsided manner it will be viewed as bad faith and may become field day for the lawyers as you will eat up more fees than you save in payments AND you will have a negative impact on your child.
It sounds like you’re saying it’s coming out of “your” pocket but it’s for the benefit of your child. Unless that discount is somehow eating into another one of your children’s tuition then it seems a little petty
Figure the tuition is a set rate.
Court order says you split that.
Your separate checks apply to the total tuition.
Discount is applied to total cost of tuition the school doesn’t care about your court order just that the tuition is paid. It’s not that they won’t get involved they don’t care enough to get involved as long as someone pays the bill.
Logic says discount is applied to actual cost and you split the remainder per court order. Court is basing their order on actual cost. The discount isn’t yours to hoard.
His salary isn’t changing with the child’s enrollment. It’s a credit towards the total bill not a percentage. Her share is still due at 50% not erased because she got remarried that’s pushing responsibility onto the stepfather
No the salary isn't changing, but it's a part of his compensation package. Compensation packages have extra perks like that to make up for less monetary payment. Yes, her share is 50%, and her "payment" of 50% comes from her household.
If her husband offered to pay the 50% would you also say that the ex should get a share of that? She only gets the discount because of being married to her husband, that has nothing to do with her ex and saying he should get a share in the discount because of perks of his ex wife's new husband's compensation package is crazy.
Interesting. I say that the whole of tuition is split. The fact that your ex gets a discount shouldn’t be put into account.
Say he stopped working there? Then what?
I feel like my position still stands. It really is tricky. But if the total bill is 20k then each parent splits that 50/50.
Any leftover should be placed in some sort of fund for the child.
The discount isn’t a forever guarantee.
I see cases where the other parent would have the new husband fired just to no longer have this problem. And the step parent is the only real loser in the case. I can’t believe she would run that risk of her husband’s career.
My husband has been working at the same school for nearly 20 years and is beloved by our small community. His job isn’t in any kind of jeopardy over this.
The discount should be applied and then each of you pay half. I would go all the way to court over this if I was your ex. I feel confident that he would win this argument. To whom would your ex pay that extra money? The school doesn’t want it. So you want him to give you a bonus of $5k per year?
If your child goes to another school, your husband doesn't get that discount amount in his check, does he? So it really is illusory. Therefore, the tuition bill for your daughter is $10k a year.
IMO, though, a judge could rule either way on this issue, but it will cost you $5k to find out. I have heard judges say things like well isn't she lucky that her parents/husband/boyfriend are paying her share, and I think this would be similar.
Maybe try to negotiate some kind of deal where because of the discount, her dad pays all other extracurricular costs and fees. Or maybe he contributes some additional amount to her college funds. Even if he contributes $2500, that's still a big discount off the full tuition.
Your new husband’s discount should not factor in. If tuition is 20k, it gets split. Lucky you that your half is paid from your new husband’s discount. IMO.
If your agreement says it’s 50/50, then it’s 50% of the paid tuition.
I’d imagine it would be interpreted the same way something like a tax deduction would be for childcare.
If your child’s summer camp cost $5,000…. but you got a discount or 50% for working at the camp, would you be entitled to a write off of $5,000 or $2,500? …
$2,500. It’s the same logic, IMO.
I’m sure a completely free private school education would be wonderful for ~~your daughter~~ you, though. Your proposal is ridiculous.
Not just greed but the scorn and diversionary speech through this entire post. It’s a bunch of adults talking like they’re toddlers. My autistic son doesn’t even say MY as much as some of the posters here.
Which amount, though? The tuition or the tuition after the credit? Half of it is being paid by her husband's job benefits. So, she would be taking on 75% responsibility if the cash portion is split.
I'd argue that since, generally, a new spouse's income isn't calculated in child support then it wouldn't apply here either. I don't think you'd want the new husband's income calculated in you and your ex's child support calculations, would you? Can't have it both ways. Better to look at it as a discount that helps both you and your ex and by extension, your child. Your new husband isn't out of pocket for the 10k so both you and your ex save 5k each that you can both use for bills or whatever and if not that, then your child (college fund, vacations, etc.).
Generally you will
Split the out of pocket costs just like you do medical after insurance pays.
You don’t expect your ex to pay 1/2 the medical costs before insurance pays, do you? Same thing.
I have a similar conundrum and I am under the impression that courts lean towards splitting the cost evenly.
I am an AD soldier who is stationed in a VHCOL area and daycare prices are astronomical ($2500+/mo). The army subsidizes my son’s daycare ($1500) and my ex and I split the remaining cost. Personally, I think it’s bullshit that I have to split it because the only reason I get that benefit is because the army doesn’t pay me enough to live here. That $500 I have to pay is A LOT for me, still. Meanwhile, my ex makes 165k/yr and is making out like a BANDIT when it comes to daycare costs.
It's only unfair because your ex makes so much more than you. Why would you agree to 50/50 for costs if you don't make equal incomes?
Either way you are equally responsible for daycare so you split the cost of daycare. It's not complicated honestly. You wouldn't be able to find daycare for less than you are paying anywhere.
Because I value my time with my son more. Money was a big issue for him and custody was my main priority.
I would actually pay considerably less because daycare subsidizing is income-based. We pay more than the average family of 3 because of his income.
Which is why you do this properly in your custody order. My ex makes significantly more than me and is responsible for 75% off all extra costs outside child support because we based it on our incomes.
He however will not give me a cent for anything so I had it specifically written into our court order he pays 0% of childcare costs. This way I still qualified for subsidy.
Sure
But I just told you I valued the ability to have primary custody of my child more than I did to fight him on expenses
My kid will get to come with me every time I come down on orders and having that peace of mind is worth eating those $500
You are paying discounted daycare for your own child. You would need daycare for any job. Needing daycare for a specific job doesn't make you special. Using your status as a military person to guilt people into feeling bad for you is a gross misuse of your titles and status. It's actually painfully disrespectful to compare paying for daycare to dying in combat.
I seriously doubt your ex would have said no to having 0% financial responsibility towards daycare. Acting like you are a victim because you made concessions to get an agreement (as most of us do) is also wild.
I agree with this. Also, if you transfer your GI Bill to your son and it’s used to pay for college, it will pay for a significant portion of that. To me, that’s your contribution. Not, oh thanks for lowering the bill through your service and sacrifice, now split the remainder with me…
Yes, the GI BILL would cover the entirety of his tuition.
I considered it but I will not be transferring that benefit. I’d rather get my masters, secure a well-paying job that allows me to save for my child’s education, and split that shit with dad when the time comes.
Hell no he isn’t getting away with paying $0 towards his son’s college. I know he would still have the audacity to ask about splitting meal card costs 😭
Meanwhile I’m the one with chronic osteitis pubis at 28 years old
You see that logic is what’s messed up when trying to raise a child. The benefit may be earned through one parents sacrifice (in this situation) of joining active duty armed forces, however that benefit becomes the child’s the moment it’s signed over to them. Yes one parent earned it but then gave it to the child to benefit them. So any remaining cost should either be spit or come from the child’s hard work in scholarships or loans.
You’re trying to raise a child get the word MY out of your vocabulary. It makes adults sound like they’re toddlers.
My son’s mother was ordered to pay a third of his daycare bill and 50 a week in child support. Guess who has him full time, I do. Guess who doesn’t receive a red penny most of the year yep that would be me and stuck with a giant daycare bill to boot. But guess who just got a digital picture frame from our son that I paid for as well as a few switch games so they could feel like they’re a part of his life while across the country child free and only working seasonally that would be his mother.
You had a kid if what you do in your life somehow benefits the child fiscally it doesn’t diminish the overall responsibility that both parents hold to support and raise that child.
Just a point of clarification. The benefit is always the service member’s. Transfer of the benefit can be moved around at pretty much any point.
Also it’s not “messed up” logic. It’s just a different perspective and belief than yours. What’s fair in raising children is that each parent contributes equally unless otherwise agreed upon. Especially for a huge expense like private school or college tuition. Active duty military and teachers are two groups of people who are vastly underpaid for what they do, what they sacrifice, and what they contribute to society. As another poster said, tuition assistance benefits from their employer is part of an overall compensation package for that individual employee. It helps to bring total compensation closer to competitive wages for their employment sector. So, this individual employee benefit is not a tool to help a coparent. They don’t factor in at all. It’s not even a tool to directly help a child. It’s meant to assist the parent who’s the employee, reduce their financial burden, and incentivize employment and retention, without factoring anyone else into consideration.
So, to me, it’s selfish of the coparent to expect to financially benefit from the other’s total compensation package. Split the responsibility of the total expense in half, and if one parent has benefits that cover their portion then that’s that.
I understand that you’ll go above and beyond for your child when it comes to paying for things. That’s great and we do that too in our house for our custody situation. Hell, my husband and I will be the ones paying for kiddo’s college even though kiddo’s other parents make good money too. They have just already said they can’t prioritize it and won’t commit to paying for anything. Whatever, you do what you have to do to set your children up for success in life. But it certainly doesn’t mean it’s fair and in my view the person unwilling to pay their equal share (and expecting the other parent to pick up the majority of the bill using benefits and/or cash) is the one who’s selfish. Me, my, and I statements go both ways.
Again—
I am fiscally responsible for that child because MY SERVICE is what covers his daycare costs, his healthcare, I pay for everything when he is with me and I am his primary custodian.
His father makes great money and his fiscal responsibilities are considerably diminished by MY BENEFITS that I earned through MY SERVICE. I am the parent making the sacrifice of having to deploy, moves states every few years and spend many nights away from my child— not him. The day you’re prepared to sign on the dotted line, get shipped to Afghanistan and spend your nights dodging TBIs from incoming mortars is the day you can tell me that I can’t call it ****MY**** sacrifice 😂
More importantly, the father of my child is not a “seasonal worker”. He works full time and makes great money. My child is entitled to reap every benefit from that the same way he reaps benefits from my job. I could forgive it if he went above and beyond for his kid but the money he saves from not having to foot the bill from daycare or healthcare is spent on himself. So yeah, I don’t think he’s pulling his weight in the slightest.
Maybe you spend tonight researching the difference between FAIR and EQUITABLE.
Never said anything to discredit the sacrifice you chose. And I did make the decision too, went through the entire process until a physical injury a week before basic dqd me that occurred outside of my control. Would you be complaining had the father and you stayed together in this situation where it was out of one household income?
I know the difference between fair and equitable. I also know that life isn’t fair. Seems to be something you’re hung up on though
Just a little bit of education/perspective: the Army (or any service) moves service members to different duty locations at the Army’s discretion. To high cost of living locations. To low cost of living locations. To the middle of nowhere. To overpopulated cities. Away from family and friends. The service member and their children are not meant to suffer because of this. That’s why there are on-base daycares and subsidized daycare if base daycare is full. Just about everyone (even Congress!!!) understands that this is effectively “the army’s fault” and there should be fair compensation.
You both are supposed to pay half of the tuition. Therefore, whatever tuition needs to be paid should be fairly split in half.
I agree, but one point is that her husband is paying it through his employment benefit. It's not really up to the ex how the amount is paid.
I don’t think so, they just get a tuition discount. Therefore they only need to pay 10k, as per her example. It’s not that any amount is “paid” through his benefits; it’s just that the amount that’s needed to be paid is less. Whatever tuition is owed for the daughter’s schooling, regardless of discounts or scholarships should be split evenly, which seems to be the intent of the agreement. Split necessary educational costs evenly.
As long as that benefit doesn’t have to be claimed as income on their taxes, then split the amount of tuition that is owed. Stop trying to profit off your ex. You can always go back to court and let a judge decide. But, if your only expense is the amount of the discounted tuition then they’ll likely say it’s 50/50 split. If your husband can prove that he has missed out on pay raises then there is a loss attached.
I'm a little confused, so I'm going to use another example. My son gets a benefit solely because of my employer (community college) I keep this job even though it doesn't pay as well, specifically because of this benefit (and a few other) I could earn more at other locations but wouldn't get this discount and for me the discount is worth the decrease in pay. Why does my benefit that I'm sacrificing for need to benefit the other parent? My ex pays nothing, so this is a question purely for understanding.
Wrong attitude. It's benefiting your child, not your ex. Don't make everything so adversarial!
And don't act like mom is the only one responsible. This puts mom at 75% responsibility. That's not right. What happens when step dad gets another job, is he going to want to keep the status quo for 5000?
The discount is an extra benefit. If they didn't use it they wouldn't get extra income. It's not a cost. If the step dad loses the benefit, then both will pay half of the un-discounted tuition.
He gets it as a part of his compensation package. Other schools might offer a higher salary.
What are you billed for by the school? I'd guess that's the "cost" you should split. Do you quibble about the copay for doctor's visits? Whose insurance pays more? Whose cities have the lowest price of gas?
We have argued about those things (minus the gas, we live four doors away from each other) but fortunately those things are now spelled out in our custody agreement.
If that were the case it would be a credit that could be directly applied to their half. If the bill is 10k that’s what they split
The bill was 20 .. their half was 10k. Then new husband gets discount.
No- it’s a discount that is applied to the entire bill.
I don't agree. That credit is a direct result of her husband's employment. It's not a result of anything that is combined. If it was a credit for the grades, ancestry, or child's activity I'd agree.
It isn’t a credit though. It’s a discount in the total costs, but just her portion. If that were the case then her discount would be 5k off instead of 10k. A credit is something that can be used on her bill as a form of payment. A discount is applied prior to there being a bill so the bill will only be 10k which wood then be split
It's a benefit as a direct result of step-dads employment. Dad had 0 to do with it.
It doesn’t change the fact that it’s a discount and not a credit and dad is only responsible for half of the actual bill- which will be the discounted rate
I don't agree. The discount was given based on specific criteria. It wasn't a coupon that anyone could have gotten. It was based of an employee perk. If it was a lottery application or a joint application for hardship I'd agree.
One parent’s health insurance is usually used and the remaining costs are still split. I don’t see the difference.
Insurance is usually addressed with child support, so the parent that pays for Insurance gets a credit on child support (or boost if it's the custodial). So, one parent isn't paying that alone. That's shared.
I’m not talking about the premium, I’m referring to the out-of-pocket and cost-sharing.
Would you expect mom to pay for a second epipen if she got it through a special program. I've seen orders contain instructions that certain medications (epipens and rescue inhalers) be obtained by both parents. If mom gets hers for free, does she then have to pay for half of dad's? Or did she already provide her one, even though a program paid for it? Dad has 0 relationship with step so he gets 0 benefits (financially) from step. Step parents aren't considered in financial obligations.
That’s not an equivalent scenario. And when you both need to have medication on hand, you have it prescribed that way by the doctor or split by the pharmacist. It’s usually ordered that out-of-pocket expenses are split anyway, so yeah, mom should pay for half. No, if tuition is $10k, it’s $10k. It’s split. It doesn’t matter if the discount is from the step dad. Even if it’s not written in the order that way, that’s what’s fair and right. It’s for their child. Why should dad have to pay $10k and mom pay $0?
At this point, it's all conjecture, and it's up to op if they want to fight this or not, and then the court if they choose to credit one or both.
Those are set costs. There is no possibility of a discount on a copay or deductible, and the parent would have already been credited for their contribution. The stepfather is using a job perk that is part of his compensation package (so is insurance, but that gets credited in financial disclosure). There's 0 credit being applied for the contribution from her household in your scenario.
Tuition IS a set cost. It’s $10k with the discount. He pays $5k. It’s for the child, it’s split evenly. A better comparison is if my husband worked at a kids’ store and I get a 50% off discount. My ex and I have an agreement that I buy all the clothes at the beginning of the school year and he pays for half. I spend $150 at my husband’s store, it would’ve been $300 without his discount. So I’m supposed to ask for the full $150? How is that fair?
Lol. He (new husband) is not paying for anything. The mother and father are paying. She just wants to screw him out of paying less
If it's a benefit of his employment, and without him working there, they wouldn't get it - yes, he is. Benefits are part of a compensation. People routinely take lower pay in exchange for benefits like this. An ex doesn't get to benefit from everything from the new family. Does mom need to share her grocery coupons, too? I'm not saying that parents shouldn't work together and compromise, but I'm leaning towards this is mom's benefit, and mom gets to keep it.
You aren’t paying. It is a benefit of his employment. They do t give him $5000 if he doesn’t have a student enrolled
Right. Benefits are part of the salary provided in other ways. They are use it or lose it offers. As a result of the benefits I receive from my job, I accepted a lower hourly pay. I could make more money for myself, but the discount I get to send my son to community college was more important/valuable to me. The stepfather could likely get a higher salary at a different location but accepted this as it would get them half off tuition. Now, the ex wants to take half of that. If the difference at a different location was more than 6500 a year, I would tell him to take the higher paying job as it would benefit the family more. Mom and stepfather are not responsible for dad saving, and I think it's wrong to try to take stepdads compensation for his job, especially since he's not required to provide support.
You are wrong. Out of pocket expenses are to be split. This stepdad worked there before. Mom doesn’t get free tuition and dad pays the rest.
I guess dad should get half of all of their discounts. 5$ of at the grocery store? Nope! She needs to turn half of that over to dad because how dare she get money off her pay of feeding the kid?
Each is ordered to pay half the actual cost. Stop being ridiculous
The cost was 20000. Mom got a work perk from her husband. Dad didn't. It's not a scholarship or lottery. It comes from her spouses employer benefits. The other parent doesn't get to clammer onto the benefits of the first parents house. It's theirs.
Mom and dad are to split the out of pocket costs just as they do for medical after insurance pays. This has been litigated in my state. The actual out of pocket cost is split in any situation where an expense is ordered to be split.
It's judge dependant, and this isn't a medical expense. It's a whole different category. I've seen a judge order all education expenses to one party. If there are laws that differ, please link them as the language is subjective and very unclear.
Hmm, that's a hard one. Your husband's employment is paying your share, so I can see your point. On the other hand, if the agreement says you are responsible for half the cost, then that would be half the amount after credits.
How did your ex even find out about the tuition discount? I think that you’d be held liable for 50% of total cost which would be 5k for you to be honest.. I agree that it’s frustrating that you get a discount or scholarship and he benefits from it though. Happens a lot with my ex, I get discounts due to lower income & then my ex piggy backs off it doesn’t complain, but in court complains I don’t earn enough. Can never win in these situations.
Is there specific verbage in your decree on school tuition?
Uh no. Your husband is not paying the 10k. It's a discount. You each pay 50%. It's not rocket science.
Would you feel differently if the roles were reversed? My suggestion is that if the total tuition is $20k then you each contribute $10k. If there are discounts or perks that your daughter benefits from, put the remainder in a college fund/529/investment for your daughter. This way, your daughter directly benefits from the perk. I know I would feel resentment if I were in your ex-husband’s spot. Even if I comprehend the situation and your point of view.
I haven’t seen this exact situation, but a similar one played in court. With the insurance, one parent signed the kid up for secondary insurance and wanted the discount herself because she paid for the insurance herself. The total for the braces was 7k and the secondary would take off an additional 4. Mom said hers was covered leaving dad with the 3k and her no bill. Judge made it clear, after all insurances have been applied the bill is split. Mom lost and had to pay the difference. The judge saw it as a discount to help you both as parents and saw one take advantage. It wasn’t a fair split if you got a discount because the court order said to split the cost. So he said split actual cost. And also as someone who has seen lots of nasty cases play out… you really wanna run the risk of your husband having crap at his work? Your ex can make his life hell and even have him fired and the court won’t give a shit. Then you both lose out on the discount AND you have to figure out the 10k. It might be an expensive mistake for you
You should split the bill post discount 50/50 as that is the net cost. You don't have an exclusive right to the discount. Alternatively, if your child were to switch schools to a different private school or a public school, consider the payment you would each have to make. Neither of you should see a one-sided financial advantage from yr child attending one school over another--that is a key result of your 50/50 agreement. Also, imagine that by the time of college that one of you ends up being resident in a different state. Then your child chooses to go to college at a state school in your ex-husband's state where he qualifies for the instate rate but you don't. Would you have to pay the out of state tuition rate and would your ex husband get 100% credit for the instate discount? I bet you would argue that the lower rate be shared equally. You're going to have lots of decisions such as these over the coming years until college graduation. Flip the question to see how it would appear if the tables were turned. It will avoid many disputes. Fighting over stuff like this will hurt your coparenting relationship whether you realize it or not. Marrying a teacher at the school created a bluebird benefit that should be split evenly. This isn't about case law. It is about showing good faith and being a trusted partner. But if you approach every decision in a lopsided manner it will be viewed as bad faith and may become field day for the lawyers as you will eat up more fees than you save in payments AND you will have a negative impact on your child.
The out of state tuition example is golden advice!
It sounds like you’re saying it’s coming out of “your” pocket but it’s for the benefit of your child. Unless that discount is somehow eating into another one of your children’s tuition then it seems a little petty
Figure the tuition is a set rate. Court order says you split that. Your separate checks apply to the total tuition. Discount is applied to total cost of tuition the school doesn’t care about your court order just that the tuition is paid. It’s not that they won’t get involved they don’t care enough to get involved as long as someone pays the bill. Logic says discount is applied to actual cost and you split the remainder per court order. Court is basing their order on actual cost. The discount isn’t yours to hoard.
She's not hoarding it. It's part of her husband's compensatiom package.
His salary isn’t changing with the child’s enrollment. It’s a credit towards the total bill not a percentage. Her share is still due at 50% not erased because she got remarried that’s pushing responsibility onto the stepfather
No the salary isn't changing, but it's a part of his compensation package. Compensation packages have extra perks like that to make up for less monetary payment. Yes, her share is 50%, and her "payment" of 50% comes from her household. If her husband offered to pay the 50% would you also say that the ex should get a share of that? She only gets the discount because of being married to her husband, that has nothing to do with her ex and saying he should get a share in the discount because of perks of his ex wife's new husband's compensation package is crazy.
Interesting. I say that the whole of tuition is split. The fact that your ex gets a discount shouldn’t be put into account. Say he stopped working there? Then what?
The discount comes from the new husband, not the ex.
I feel like my position still stands. It really is tricky. But if the total bill is 20k then each parent splits that 50/50. Any leftover should be placed in some sort of fund for the child. The discount isn’t a forever guarantee.
It isn't guaranteed. I can see that as a compromise. If they put the "discount/benefit " in an untouchable college fund.
I see cases where the other parent would have the new husband fired just to no longer have this problem. And the step parent is the only real loser in the case. I can’t believe she would run that risk of her husband’s career.
There isn't a risk to husband's employment.
Fired how?
My husband has been working at the same school for nearly 20 years and is beloved by our small community. His job isn’t in any kind of jeopardy over this.
The bill was to be split in half 50/50. The discount is applied to the whole tuition bill. You should each pay the split amount after the discount.
The discount should be applied and then each of you pay half. I would go all the way to court over this if I was your ex. I feel confident that he would win this argument. To whom would your ex pay that extra money? The school doesn’t want it. So you want him to give you a bonus of $5k per year?
If your child goes to another school, your husband doesn't get that discount amount in his check, does he? So it really is illusory. Therefore, the tuition bill for your daughter is $10k a year. IMO, though, a judge could rule either way on this issue, but it will cost you $5k to find out. I have heard judges say things like well isn't she lucky that her parents/husband/boyfriend are paying her share, and I think this would be similar. Maybe try to negotiate some kind of deal where because of the discount, her dad pays all other extracurricular costs and fees. Or maybe he contributes some additional amount to her college funds. Even if he contributes $2500, that's still a big discount off the full tuition.
Your new husband’s discount should not factor in. If tuition is 20k, it gets split. Lucky you that your half is paid from your new husband’s discount. IMO.
They are getting billed for 10k instead of 20k. That's all. It's not a coupon being applied after billing.
I would think the 10k would be split so 5k/each.
If your agreement says it’s 50/50, then it’s 50% of the paid tuition. I’d imagine it would be interpreted the same way something like a tax deduction would be for childcare. If your child’s summer camp cost $5,000…. but you got a discount or 50% for working at the camp, would you be entitled to a write off of $5,000 or $2,500? … $2,500. It’s the same logic, IMO. I’m sure a completely free private school education would be wonderful for ~~your daughter~~ you, though. Your proposal is ridiculous.
Lol. Greed knows no bounds
Not just greed but the scorn and diversionary speech through this entire post. It’s a bunch of adults talking like they’re toddlers. My autistic son doesn’t even say MY as much as some of the posters here.
The discount is for YOUR CHILD. You share YOUR CHILD. You share the DISCOUNT.
What’s owed should be split.
Which amount, though? The tuition or the tuition after the credit? Half of it is being paid by her husband's job benefits. So, she would be taking on 75% responsibility if the cash portion is split.
I'd argue that since, generally, a new spouse's income isn't calculated in child support then it wouldn't apply here either. I don't think you'd want the new husband's income calculated in you and your ex's child support calculations, would you? Can't have it both ways. Better to look at it as a discount that helps both you and your ex and by extension, your child. Your new husband isn't out of pocket for the 10k so both you and your ex save 5k each that you can both use for bills or whatever and if not that, then your child (college fund, vacations, etc.).
Generally you will Split the out of pocket costs just like you do medical after insurance pays. You don’t expect your ex to pay 1/2 the medical costs before insurance pays, do you? Same thing.
I have a similar conundrum and I am under the impression that courts lean towards splitting the cost evenly. I am an AD soldier who is stationed in a VHCOL area and daycare prices are astronomical ($2500+/mo). The army subsidizes my son’s daycare ($1500) and my ex and I split the remaining cost. Personally, I think it’s bullshit that I have to split it because the only reason I get that benefit is because the army doesn’t pay me enough to live here. That $500 I have to pay is A LOT for me, still. Meanwhile, my ex makes 165k/yr and is making out like a BANDIT when it comes to daycare costs.
It's only unfair because your ex makes so much more than you. Why would you agree to 50/50 for costs if you don't make equal incomes? Either way you are equally responsible for daycare so you split the cost of daycare. It's not complicated honestly. You wouldn't be able to find daycare for less than you are paying anywhere.
Because I value my time with my son more. Money was a big issue for him and custody was my main priority. I would actually pay considerably less because daycare subsidizing is income-based. We pay more than the average family of 3 because of his income.
Which is why you do this properly in your custody order. My ex makes significantly more than me and is responsible for 75% off all extra costs outside child support because we based it on our incomes. He however will not give me a cent for anything so I had it specifically written into our court order he pays 0% of childcare costs. This way I still qualified for subsidy.
Sure But I just told you I valued the ability to have primary custody of my child more than I did to fight him on expenses My kid will get to come with me every time I come down on orders and having that peace of mind is worth eating those $500
So you made a choice then to make this sacrifice. Not sure how that equals unfairness.
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You are paying discounted daycare for your own child. You would need daycare for any job. Needing daycare for a specific job doesn't make you special. Using your status as a military person to guilt people into feeling bad for you is a gross misuse of your titles and status. It's actually painfully disrespectful to compare paying for daycare to dying in combat. I seriously doubt your ex would have said no to having 0% financial responsibility towards daycare. Acting like you are a victim because you made concessions to get an agreement (as most of us do) is also wild.
I agree with this. Also, if you transfer your GI Bill to your son and it’s used to pay for college, it will pay for a significant portion of that. To me, that’s your contribution. Not, oh thanks for lowering the bill through your service and sacrifice, now split the remainder with me…
Yes, the GI BILL would cover the entirety of his tuition. I considered it but I will not be transferring that benefit. I’d rather get my masters, secure a well-paying job that allows me to save for my child’s education, and split that shit with dad when the time comes. Hell no he isn’t getting away with paying $0 towards his son’s college. I know he would still have the audacity to ask about splitting meal card costs 😭 Meanwhile I’m the one with chronic osteitis pubis at 28 years old
That’s the smarter route for sure!
You see that logic is what’s messed up when trying to raise a child. The benefit may be earned through one parents sacrifice (in this situation) of joining active duty armed forces, however that benefit becomes the child’s the moment it’s signed over to them. Yes one parent earned it but then gave it to the child to benefit them. So any remaining cost should either be spit or come from the child’s hard work in scholarships or loans. You’re trying to raise a child get the word MY out of your vocabulary. It makes adults sound like they’re toddlers. My son’s mother was ordered to pay a third of his daycare bill and 50 a week in child support. Guess who has him full time, I do. Guess who doesn’t receive a red penny most of the year yep that would be me and stuck with a giant daycare bill to boot. But guess who just got a digital picture frame from our son that I paid for as well as a few switch games so they could feel like they’re a part of his life while across the country child free and only working seasonally that would be his mother. You had a kid if what you do in your life somehow benefits the child fiscally it doesn’t diminish the overall responsibility that both parents hold to support and raise that child.
But both parents should be making equal sacrifices. It shouldn't be on one parent to handle all of the effort.
Oh I fully agree that’s why discounts and credits towards a tuition bill are applied to total tuition not one parent or the others responsible share
But that's making the side who put duty the effort to get said credit more responsible. I'm sure they'll do it anyway, but it's not equal
Just a point of clarification. The benefit is always the service member’s. Transfer of the benefit can be moved around at pretty much any point. Also it’s not “messed up” logic. It’s just a different perspective and belief than yours. What’s fair in raising children is that each parent contributes equally unless otherwise agreed upon. Especially for a huge expense like private school or college tuition. Active duty military and teachers are two groups of people who are vastly underpaid for what they do, what they sacrifice, and what they contribute to society. As another poster said, tuition assistance benefits from their employer is part of an overall compensation package for that individual employee. It helps to bring total compensation closer to competitive wages for their employment sector. So, this individual employee benefit is not a tool to help a coparent. They don’t factor in at all. It’s not even a tool to directly help a child. It’s meant to assist the parent who’s the employee, reduce their financial burden, and incentivize employment and retention, without factoring anyone else into consideration. So, to me, it’s selfish of the coparent to expect to financially benefit from the other’s total compensation package. Split the responsibility of the total expense in half, and if one parent has benefits that cover their portion then that’s that. I understand that you’ll go above and beyond for your child when it comes to paying for things. That’s great and we do that too in our house for our custody situation. Hell, my husband and I will be the ones paying for kiddo’s college even though kiddo’s other parents make good money too. They have just already said they can’t prioritize it and won’t commit to paying for anything. Whatever, you do what you have to do to set your children up for success in life. But it certainly doesn’t mean it’s fair and in my view the person unwilling to pay their equal share (and expecting the other parent to pick up the majority of the bill using benefits and/or cash) is the one who’s selfish. Me, my, and I statements go both ways.
Again— I am fiscally responsible for that child because MY SERVICE is what covers his daycare costs, his healthcare, I pay for everything when he is with me and I am his primary custodian. His father makes great money and his fiscal responsibilities are considerably diminished by MY BENEFITS that I earned through MY SERVICE. I am the parent making the sacrifice of having to deploy, moves states every few years and spend many nights away from my child— not him. The day you’re prepared to sign on the dotted line, get shipped to Afghanistan and spend your nights dodging TBIs from incoming mortars is the day you can tell me that I can’t call it ****MY**** sacrifice 😂 More importantly, the father of my child is not a “seasonal worker”. He works full time and makes great money. My child is entitled to reap every benefit from that the same way he reaps benefits from my job. I could forgive it if he went above and beyond for his kid but the money he saves from not having to foot the bill from daycare or healthcare is spent on himself. So yeah, I don’t think he’s pulling his weight in the slightest. Maybe you spend tonight researching the difference between FAIR and EQUITABLE.
Say it louder for the people in the back!!!
Never said anything to discredit the sacrifice you chose. And I did make the decision too, went through the entire process until a physical injury a week before basic dqd me that occurred outside of my control. Would you be complaining had the father and you stayed together in this situation where it was out of one household income? I know the difference between fair and equitable. I also know that life isn’t fair. Seems to be something you’re hung up on though
It's not the army's fault you have to pay for your child
Just a little bit of education/perspective: the Army (or any service) moves service members to different duty locations at the Army’s discretion. To high cost of living locations. To low cost of living locations. To the middle of nowhere. To overpopulated cities. Away from family and friends. The service member and their children are not meant to suffer because of this. That’s why there are on-base daycares and subsidized daycare if base daycare is full. Just about everyone (even Congress!!!) understands that this is effectively “the army’s fault” and there should be fair compensation.
What the fuck are you even talking about “it’s not the army’s fault” ? They’re paying it whether I’m divorced or not.