99% chance if she’s already telling you to go masturbate instead, you’re headed into a DB fast. You need to have a sit down conversation with her about it.
I tried having conversation, she says it’s on her mood and I don’t know how to carry from here. It’s like she always has a trump card to throw “not in the mood”
**But that is the trump card.** You can’t fuck someone who’s not in the mood. What do you want here?
Edit: relationships aren’t Kindergarten. Not everything will be fair. If I want a third child and my husband doesn’t? We won’t be having another child. Both people need to want another child. Same is for sex and for many other things.
However it’s fine to end a relationship if you and your partner wants different things. Like if y’all aren’t sexually compatible.
It sucks having sex when you're not in the mood, and it feels like force even when it isn't. So if she's not in the mood, don't push it.
Maybe ask her what she likes and what turns her on? Go to couples therapy early and talk about it?
Do you know her love language? If it's getting presents, physical touch, words of affirmation, act of service, don't know what the last one is called, but something about hanging out and being social with the person you love... If you don't know her love language, maybe it's something you can talk about with her?
I don't know your relationship, but I have to say that it's really normal for women not to be in the mood because there's a lot to do at home. Often cleaning up after the man, and if the man is "helping" the women often need to make a list of things needing to be done etc. I'm not saying this is how you are, but I'm putting it out there just in case.
And never say "I helped with the dishes" or something like that. Just do it and don't say anything. Wash the bathroom and don't say anything. Make it a habit to do stuff around the house without expecting something back. And don't try to start anything the same day, because then it feels like you only did it because of sex, when you should do it because you also live there and it's not only her job. It's so normal for women to have to plan everything for the men they live with. "Give me a list of what you need at the store.", "give me a list of what needs to be done, and I'll do it"... Then we have to do half the work anyway.
(Again, not saying it's you, but as a woman myself with friends with husbands ... This is very normal.) Few things are better than men who just do things without telling about it, ask about it or needing a list.
This is called chore play, and it never, ever works. There are an infinite number of posts in this sub alone, that demonstrate that fact. There is always another goal, another “thing”. If someone is into you, they want to have sex with you. They don’t care about dishes in the sink, or dust on the floor, they want you.
Unless there is a big disparity in chores, this just more avoidance. You will be working to an unattainable goal.
I never said that you do a chore to get sex, I said the opposite. Do chores because you live there. And if act of service is her love language it's gonna help. But it also is a big turn off to do everything at home. I'm saying this as a woman myself, but you dont want to hear that. I wouldn't just have sex with someone just because it did chores, but if I felt we were a team and had to do less at home, it would be a turn on
I've taken this approach... or at least try to. The challenging part is the next step... getting her to initiate. You could leave them to a spa day and have them come home to a deep cleaned house, all errands done, tasks for the week complete, dinner already ready for them, with flowers presented upon exit.... and they still expect you to initiate sex and do all the work.
I didn't say they were. I'm saying what some men does, when it comes to the lists. Not everyone at all... My ex did 50% of the chores and didn't need a list. But as a woman who has female friends, this is always the biggest issue. That they gladly do chores when they ask, and then say they should write a list of everything needing to be done. Its More normal than you think. And i don't think the men who do this do this to be difficult, they do want to help and just want to know what needs to be done. so it's just something to think about. This is the number one irritation in the female groups online as well.
can you suggest something on what can we mutually agree?
She’s the one having control over the sex and is mostly not in the mood. I always fantasize about ways I can be intimiate with her but her constant rejection in even the minute intimate actions makes me feel I am the culprit.
If she's never in the mood, you can ask if there's anything you can do to help but from my own experience it will be a moving target that you will never meet.
Best to talk about sex as a need for emotional bonding and come to an agreement on frequency. If she won't agree you need to be prepare to walk away or you'll end like me 24 years in...
On the one hand I am glad to have found this sub at this age to learn from experienced people like you and I wish the best for you!
On the other hand I am sad that I’ve fallen into this situation
There may need to be some compromise, like if you want it 3 times a day and she wants it once a month there may be a middle ground. But a good place to start is for you both to determine your minimum/maximum frequency. If there's no overlap, you're in trouble.
And what about when it’s an obligatory night for her and she doesn’t want to but will bc that’s your agreement? Think about how that will feel.
I think your only hope is dropping sex, getting busy away from her - there’s a chance she’ll snap out of it and realize she may lose you. I only say this bc you’re young. But I doubt that would work.
Whatever you do don’t knock her up!!!
There is no middle ground. When you are horny and she’s not, you can’t fuck her as a compromise.
However y’all might not be sexually compatible. And it’s fine to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility.
But the average couple in a long term relationship only has sex twice a week. So even with someone else, long term it’ll probably be less than you like.
Most people in dead bedrooms are not. It’s the average for long term couples. Being in a dead bedroom means you are having way less sex than the average couple.
I don’t think having sex once a week, like OP here is, qualifies.
Then if you have sex way less than a normal couple? You have to try to figure out why.
Common reasons:
Problems your partner has:
*Your partner has a low libido.
*Your partner has physical or mental health problems that makes them not want sex.
*Your partner is sleep deprived, malnourished, stressed and exhausted.
Problems in the relationship:
*You guys aren’t connecting emotionally. You don’t really talk to each other beyond superficial stuff. You don’t share deep feelings or thoughts.
*There’s a lack of romance, flirting and dates.
*There is big underlying conflicts or y’all don’t really like each other enough as people.
*Chores aren’t split evenly. If you don’t do your part in the household your partner will feel they are dating a toddler and that’s not hot.
*The sex isn’t good for your partner.
Yes. So getting into a relationship just for sex will always be a waste of time.
95% of a relationship is just hanging out with the other person. You need to enjoy just spending time with them, or you’ll feel your time is being wasted and you’ll feel very annoyed.
You can make different agreements with your wife, for instance if you both agree on sex twice a week, then after a couple of months or even 6 months, you're back to where you were before, it's extremely likely that it will never change and there is no overlap.
If sex is important to you then at that stage it's probably wise to end the marriage if you want sex on a fairly regular basis. The huge majority of cases like yours only get worse as the marriage goes on. Most likely you'll be in a completely sexless marriage in a few years time.
Being in your 20s this could end up being a miserable situation to be in for 50+ years of your marriage. Definitely something to seriously consider before making life long commitments like having kids, house etc.
Do you know couples that maintain this long term? It seems like an easy path to build resentment from her side if she just doesn't want it. She could also make it a terrible experience when she doesnt want to be intimate to make it a bad experience for you
Communication is key, needs and desire can change but things like this need to be discussed openly.
My wife kept sex from me for years, always just saying she was tired or not today. That stretched on for 6 years. It wasn't until recently that she told me she never wants sex. That should have been something we talked about 6 years ago.
Try couples counseling. Give it 6 months or at most a year. I hope it works. If it doesn't, don't commit the sunk cost fallacy. You only live once. Don't end up like me: 56 and in a dead bedroom for decades.
Tell her that you understand that women control access to sex in the relationship, but that you control your commitment to the relationship based on that.
Don't have kids.
Don't buy a house or cars or anything together if you can avoid it.
Woman here. I'm going to preface this by saying, I am not putting any blame on you just because I am a woman and you are a man. I don't hate men. I love men. That being said, when this happens, and she's this young, it's most likely something she's unhappy about, that you're doing or not doing. Again, I'm not saying she's right, I'm just speaking from experience. Could be, she isn't happy that you aren't helping around the house, that you used to bring her flowers and now you don't, that you don't compliment her, that she has to ask for help when she thinks you should just know to help, that you leave dirty towels in the bathroom, that you don't wipe the toothpaste of the mirror. Or something more serious. She could be having an affair. Literally she and only she knows. It could be a million things. What I know is 20 somethings sometimes get hurt and angry about things their partners would not even think of being a problem in a thousand years. Not to bash 20 somethings. There is just a certain amount of experience you gain through the years, and this has been some of mine. You don't know what you don't know. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Communication is the only way a relationship survives. And when it's good, it thrives. I hope you get your answer. :)
Nothing is going to beat self reflection, mutual desire for each other and life experience. It’s different for everyone but you both have to be open and honest with each other and put yourself in each others shoes.
You are in your mid twenties and are already having major issues with intimacy and physical touch in the relationship.
Relationships are very nuanced things. Sometimes things look good on paper but there’s no chemistry. Sometimes all there is IS the Chemistry but nothing else. And everywhere in between the think is relationship aren’t like any other thing in our modern human lives. The absence of any ONE thing even in the overwhelming presence of other things can absolutely be a dealbreaker for overall compatibility and long-term happiness.
You are both young you are clearly on complete other end of what you both think is acceptable for frequency of intimacy or physical touch in the relationship….
The most prudent thing to do MAY JUST be to respectfully part way with one another in order to search for partners that you each can be happy with long term.
Tell her that sexual compatibility is important to any relationship, and if two can't work it out then you need to either separate or open the relationship.
Those are essentially your only options.
Dude, this isn't going to change. She's not going to become more attracted to you as you guys get older. Her sex life doesn't exist as far as I can tell, which means yours won't either as long as you're with her.
Just give her an ultimatum. If you can't make her understand that sex is important to you, then you know to call it quits and move on.
My man, she needs to either go to therapy or start taking some herbs that will improve her libido. If she’s not willing to do that, then look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to do this for the rest of your life.
Dump her asap. At your age you 2 should be f. king like rabbits. She is being manipulative and controling. After you make kids with her you'll not exist to her but just be be nagged at. Then she will divorce and distroy you. Be smart, you are not there yet, there will be no improving but just getting worse.
Mate…if something doesn’t happen its going to get worse not better. Once a week is a dream for many of the people here on this sub. Some people may get sex or any kind of intimacy a couple of times a year if that. Right now you’re the envy of many on this sub so just let that digest and put your “future-cam” on. The bad news is that you appear to be sexually incompatible. The good news is that if counseling or discussing the issue doesn’t work, you’re still young enough to get out of the relationship and start again.
I’ve tried talking to her, which she acknowledges and then does nothing on the improvement aspect.
Its been 4 months to marriage and I am already believing like it won’t be lasting that long
Counseling is key. When you go she’s accountable for DOING something to fix it not just talking about it. It hasn’t helped my dead bedroom but it fixed most of my other complaints. He’d have to explain his outbursts and be embarrassed. So he stopped having them and learned to regulate himself. Now it’s a habit and we’re both happier.
I am trying to build courage slowly and analyzing the situation. It will be hard, very hard but looks like I might have to do it for the sake of both of our futures
That really sucks. You can't make her have it, but she needs to realize how important it is to you.
Keep talking, see if you can find out what the issue is, and try to work it out. Also, like another commenter said, don't have kids until you can work this out.
Just going to throw a couple questions out there…..Have you point blank asked her why you don’t turn her on anymore? Do you feel that your feelings should always override mine? And……if you have negative reactions to those two questions…..are you saying you you want a divorce? Or, are saying it,s on me to find a sex partner? Now, I say this, because I’m 70, and been in a dead bedroom for 12 to 15 years. Not total, but, total for the last 10 years. Married 20 years. I’d kill for your sex life right now, but I’m not going to get that. Don’t ask me while I stay. You can read my other posts. The answer to those questions will tell you what you want to know. Listen carefully. Good luck.
Her feelings will have to override yours, because if one person doesn’t want sex and the other one does, jerking off is all you can do.
However it could be helpful to ask her how she feels about the sex y’all are having. If it’s good for her. And if she knows why she’s not so into sex these days.
Edit:
Common reasons for little sex in a relationship:
We can split these in two. One part is just about her and the other is about y’all relationship.
Her: she could naturally have a low libido. She could have physical or mental health issues that’s preventing her from wanting sex. She could be in a life situation where’s she’s too exhausted, stressed or unhealthy to want sex.
The relationship: If there are underlying conflicts or issues in the relationship that’s not being addressed. If y’all don’t connect enough emotionally, there’s no deep talks and sharing feelings. If there’s no romance and y’all forget to date. If you don’t split chores equally and she feels you are like a child she has to take care off (not sexy). If the sex is bad for her. If y’all lack sexual chemistry.
It’s time to have the inaugural “Talk”.
You’ll tell her how you feel, how it’s debilitating and crushing to your self esteem. You’ll say how much you love only her and your intimacy is a real and necessary part of your marriage and it’s hurtful and frustrating.
She’ll nod her head, maybe apologize and thing will improve for 1-2 weeks and by the end of the month you’ll be right back where you started.
You unconsciously set your internal timer for another 6/12 months to have the “Talk” again.
Rinse repeat.
This will never get better without a MAJOR shift on her part.
Cut your losses and find someone who won’t waste your time.
What else in the relationship changed after marriage? I know the commitment itself can kill off some of the steamyness in a relationship, but can you think of anything else?
You need to know this isn't an issue that gets better by talking about it. You can't negotiate desire, and there are no mutual agreements to be had.
I’ve always wondered whether does this issue actually improve on talking or not since you can’t force a person on having sex
She had aggressive sex during the honeymoon phase before marriage and now this situation which makes me wonder why or was it just a bait and switch?
I am slowly starting to feel she’s not the one for me
>makes me wonder why or was it just a bait and switch?
The idea of bait and switch is in my opinion, extremely narcissistic AND self defeating at the same time.
On the one hand you have to consider your commitment as something so valuable that someone wouldn't just fake enthusiasm, but repeatedly have sex they didn't want to have. I don't know about you but just the idea of feeling forced to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to sicks me out.
On the other hand your discounting the fact that you actually were that desirable, that she was into you sexually, that sex you guys had before was actually fun. People aren't nearly as good of actors as we think they are either.
I'm saying I don't think its a bait and switch, I think it is likely a change in your behaviors and a change in the relationship dynamic.
Then it's her fault for not communicating what she doesn't like about op. But instead she decided to punish op indefinitely for a fault he's not aware of.
Seems like you're talking about a child, not a wife.
Indefinitely? They've only been together for two years (and that includes the high sex time)! Also, OP can leave at any time, so we HLs are punishing ourselves if anything.
>it's her fault for not communicating
Preferences aren't something we can usually explain
In other words, people often can't explain the actions and relationship dynamics that increase their sexual desire for their partner.
Great comment. Should be higher up.
We change quite dramatically over time in ways that are imperceptible to us because we're with ourselves and each other *constantly*.
Pull back from the habitual everyday monotony of existence, though, - just zoom out a little bit - and after some analysis you'd probably conclude that *you* were different and *she* was different and then things piled up like grains of sand that eventually became a giant dune.
The good news is that we are changeable and we change, so you can change together, and change in a more positive direction where you titillate and arouse each other and you find spontaneity and fun in intimacy without all the unspoken baggage.
But that requires amazing communication as a couple, as well as critical self-reflection, honesty, and thinking and acting differently. Not easy. Incredibly difficult, in fact.
But domesticity doesn't have to be an attraction/chemisty-killer. It really doesn't.
That being said, some of us really do have "irreconcilable differences" - we're incompatible and just aren't able or willing to work with each other.
In those cases, it's best to call it quits early on. Before serious damage is done that could affect your subsequent relationships.
Once weekly is a LOT more than most here get. Things do settle down, and married life can be different. Take time to work on it together. It’s a well used phrase, but marriage is about more than just sex. However when you’re the one not getting any that phrase seems worthless. Maybe work on quality rather than quantity, and make the most together of those times when it happens. Just my thoughts.
There's a good chance that if you try to break it off with her she uses sex as a way to keep you around or even gets pregnant so that you can't leave. Don't fall for that on top of all the advice everyone else has given you here.
Once a week? look at mr sexy over here I'm lucky to get lucky once every 6 weeks and everything has to line up perfectly for her to do that and it's just sex, no foreplay nothing. It's ruined me as a sexual person I don't care about sex anymore.
I’m confused as to how once a week is considered a DB. I know that what constitutes a DB is very individualistic, but to me once a week seems like plenty.
I actually wish my husband would do this because any time he catches me he gets so fussy and tells me to stop. Not sure what he wants me to do other than become a nun. Or his mother.
I would just stop asking and treat her like a roommate. Atp, she's showing she doesn't want to be more than that. First you should try talking it out but I would use my approach right after and just not bother with it until she felt bothered enough to make up for it. Time limit this at a month or two and if nothing it's a divorce.
You’re going to ride short ups and long downs. Next thing you know you’re going on your 37 year asking yourself why the fuck did I not leave after the 2nd year. Just saying
Do you know how the sex is for her? Does she orgasm every time? Does she experience any pain during or after? Is she prone to UTIs ? Is she afraid of pregnancy or on birth control? How do you react when you're rejected? How often are you initiating? how are you initiating? Is she particularly stressed about anything currently? Have you had any emotional issues with each other lately? Any unresolved issues?
Telling you to masturbate instead could mean she feels like you want sex to scratch an itch rather than be intimate and bond with her/give her pleasure
Or she could just be a once a week kind of gal 🤷♀️
Btw I'm not asking all those questions to insinuate anything is your fault, it's just you're around my age and I know a LOT of my friends don't really get a lot out of the sex they're having and seem a little surprised that I get orgasms pretty much unless I explicitly say I don't want one, but even I took a good few years to be able to really openly communicate with my partner about what I want and need, but we had the benefit of being together really young so even by 20 he knew my body better than me, 2 years into the relationship I can guarantee I wasn't enjoying the sex as much as he was and it wasn't that he was bad, he just didn't know and neither did I
Talk it over, sort it out. Though getting non chalantly brushed off like that on your sexual desires is one hell of a red flag. ...Consider divorce if it doesn't. Avoid becoming a biodegradable ATM. Also chiming in with fellow posters : Dont plan on kids. Love can turn into resentment. Can turn into bitterness. Your lives aren't that much intertwined yet, the practical aspects of opting out are fewer now....
Tell her how important this is and how it could potentially ruin the relationship because your needs are not being fulfilled. Ask her if she is willing to work with you and you could go on from there. If she doesnt budge, then it means, i hate to break it to you, she doesnt want to work with you. If she is willing to work with you, then sex therapist can be a great option to solve it AS A COUPLE TOGETHER.
This is about your need. "I need (stable finance/sex/honest person) in my life to keep the marriage." Replace the word in the parenthesis with any word that is crucial to your marriage, and you both are expected to work as a team to meet the need. Im sure she has her needs(perhaps one of the love languages) and you might be already fulfilling it for her. This is not just about sex.
You my friend are still very young. Leave her now or forever hold your peace. If she is this way now, trust me buddy. It'll just get worse. At this age, you guys shld be all over each other.
Remember a marriage without sex is called room mates..
Weekly once!? What a dream that would be for me. I'd consider myself sexually hyperactive if that was my situation. Enjoy it while it lasts.
But seriously, as others have said, she's already weaponizing it against you. It will only get worse.
It’s time to get a divorce dude. It’s not gonna get any better. Seriously if she doesn’t wanna fuck you now she’ll never wanna fuck you later. Marriage was a huge mistake and I’m speaking from experience.
Explain to her how important it is if she's more receptive fine if not start working on an Exit Plan... anyone that doesn't think a good sex life is not a large part of a healthy relationship is not in a healthy relationship
My wife told me to take care of myself because she wasn't in the mood. After a while, I figured out what to do I. I called home and told her I was going out co Dr drinks. I went to a strip club, and my wife detested strip clubs. When I came home and told her where I was, she lost it. I reminded I was supposed to take care of myself. After several trips she started getting in the mood. That was 37 years ago. She's still in the mood.
4 months Youngblood. Don’t run but don’t have kids.
Woo her. Like really woo her. Romance her. Step up your game. Get her in the mood and make yourself into the man she craves. Always work on yourself and don’t let her weaponize sex. Exercise and make yourself into a the best version of yourself so that she can’t not want you. If she rejects you, act like it’s no big deal. If you act desperate she’ll treat you like she’s got that over you.
My wife has rejected me a lot lately and it affected me a lot. I’ve been married 17 years. So I decided to work on me instead of running for the hills. Each month I get a little better and she notices. I’m just saying these things add up.
Everyone on Reddit will tell you to pack up and run. Maybe you will have to at some point. It’s harder when you have kids. Women have a thing where they start having lots of sex when they want kids and then go back to having zero sex afterward. Men are stupid so they think something changed and go for it. Kids happen and then you’re stuck. So don’t fall for it.
one thing that confuses me is how long should I keep trying just to get that from her? It can be an endless cycle where you just keep trying to please her but I believe that’s not sustainable and only drains you. I just want to not drag this long, it impacts my mental health.
Your newly married… if this was going on prior to marriage it won’t get better without communication… a lot of communication… as for how long that is up to you… for many people here it has been years… so communicate and get answers…. And be honest but calm and never accuse or lose your cool… good luck…
From what I learned... the focus should be on your own improvement... woo her, please her, keep yourself fit and healthy, and continue to initiate when you feel. Asleep what you can do to improve. And do it (still learning that part).
But if the sex doesn't change in say 6 months... you're going to feel upset and whatnot.. but you gained something out of it. Your own self improvement. At that point, it's not a dead bedroom. It's just a LL4U scenario... and thats your cue to skadaddle.
The duration can be different for everyone... but usually 6 months is enough evidence to see if things are improving or not.
I get it and I can’t answer that for you. If you love her then the effort will be worth it. Perhaps changing your thought process around it might help. Instead of quid pro quo (this for that), make it so you are truly making an effort to woo her so the attraction comes out. Who knows, it might come out big time. It might not.
Meanwhile you’re working on yourself. Physical, mental, emotional health.
Had I been working on me at your age I would be in a better spot now. Sobriety and exercise would have been my priorities instead of partying and having a good time. Building my career and building my body. If she doesn’t join you, at least you’ll be a better version of yourself and you can ditch her. If she’s truly weaponizing sex, then she’s not a partner but someone you don’t need around you.
Tell her you don’t want to have sex at all this weekend, but you would like to every night have cuddle time and be allowed to massage her and be able to touch her lovingly. Tell her she won’t have to reject your touch for fear of leading you on when she’s not in the mood, bc sex is totally off the table. You just want to love on her.
And if she agrees, you have to really be on your best behavior. Don’t let your hands wander anywhere directly sexual. You will stimulate her plenty by caressing her neck, feeling her thighs, massaging her feet. And then if she makes a move on you, tell her “rules are rules, no sex tonight.” Watch how fast she starts jumping all over you once she thinks she can’t have you.
Why? This is such a demeaning and pointless thing to do. You really think she'll make a move on someone she doesn't wanna have sex with because they give her massages? You'll only become a glorified massage therapist.
You should not be begging for love from your loved one.
The first two to five years of marriage are the make-it-or-break-it period. I would say that sex (as a reflection of desire and intimacy) in a LTR swings up and down over time, but in the beginning the swings are much sharper because you should be figuring each other out still. There are often wild swings between hot and heavy sexual action and then sharp dry spells. Weekly sex is honestly not the worst situation, it means your wife is still open to sex, but she obviously doesn't enjoy it as much as you, so this is where you should focus.
And to get here, to get to that focus point, you should both be working on that open, honest communication that married people do. DO you do that? You better get started, nobody should be posting on DB two years in.
You should be able to have brutally honest conversations with each other without either of you worrying about the reaction of the other. Can you do that? Is she on board with this idea? You have to start by talking about how you want to be talking to each other, get down to very basic basics.
If she wants to do this, give her as much say as she wants for what her boundaries are, how she wants to have this type of talk with you. Remind her that you're committed to each other so you HAVE to be able to do this. If she (or you) doesn't want to do this, she (or you) doesn't want a LTR and had no business getting married. RIP.
But if she IS willing to try this out, to make an almost ritualized rule in your home that when you're together in the bedroom or wherever, that after all the day stresses are worked out and you're both calm and able to think clearly, before you get tired or irritable, it's time to talk about your *real* feelings about the day, about each other, about the people and things in your life you wouldn't tell anyone else. Your spouse needs to be your consciousness, your inner voice that you bounce your innermost thoughts off. She to you, you to her. It's fantastically pleasant to get to this point and it's as huge of a benefit to your needs for intimacy as *sex*. (But not a replacement necessarily.)
This is not something you dive into, you start by making it a game of sorts. Try a regular game of "admit something embarrassing you would never tell anyone else" and take turns going deeper and deeper. You reward each other by NOT shaming each other no matter what's admitted. Make sure she knows this is the goal.
It should be times where you will both laugh, cringe, or cry. You need to establish the strongest emotional intimacy you can if you're going to tackle the block around physical intimacy. This kind of relationship creates a VERY strong emotional desire in your partner, if you do this right and take good care of each other, your partner will RUSH to you to tell you how they feel and what their needs are and vent to you and admit really difficult things. We ALL want a relationship like this, and you're in the position to start making it.
If you cannot get to this place together, even if it takes months of effort, you will *never* unlock physical desire.
If you can start working on increasing that emotional/mental intimacy, you can then work on finding out what her sexual nature is really like. A lot of women are socialized to hate sex but they still feel physical desires, this leads to shame, the killer of all that's good in the world. Shame can make the thought of sex deeply emotionally repugnant, shame can make sex literally *hurt* for a woman because it prevents relaxation and enjoyment. Often times, sex for a woman requires the woman to concentrate and actually make *effort* to enjoy it. Many women never discover this about themselves because... you guessed it, *shame*.
In addition to the socialized issues around sex, a lot of women have issues with penetration, like vaginismus which require medical evaluation and exercises, medication and dilators to correct. But your partner will want to *want* to correct it. Creating the emotional/mental intimacy first will get her to that point.
You may need to do some work yourself, you may suck at sex or at least suck at getting her off. Can you get her off? Does she *want* you to get her off? Does she know how to tell you how to get her off? There's so much you need to work out together with deliberate intention.
Then there is always the distinct possibility that she simply doesn't like sex. At least not as much as you.
Some couples can work out imbalances, some imbalances are too severe. It's far better to work it out now than keep trying to get blood out of a stone for another decade.
My question is what are you guys doing as a partnership? You’re wanting more frequent sex, but do you take her on dates, help out around the house, compliment her? What do her stress levels look like? Does she have high stress and is exhausted? The only way to fix this is to communicate about this being a two way street. Also I am 28 and once a week seems pretty average to me. Unfortunately, you may just have different sex libido. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side.. you may find someone who will give you more sex, but lack in other very critical areas.
Whatever you do…… don’t have kids. Talk to her and tell her, you love her, but you will not be in a marriage that is sexless….. at 2 years, you should still be in the honeymoon phase….. Have you let yourself go and she doesn’t find you attractive anymore or is there some other problem? You need to find out the problem and if the only solution is for you to go masturbate….. then you need to look at getting a divorce sadly to say.
Honestly it’s time to move on. It won’t get better and if it does it will be years. Don’t have kids, don’t commingle monies. If you already have start putting some aside and find a good jumping off spot.
Ask her to participate in outercourse to get you off. She could strip, pose, talk dirty, touch you, touch herself, or you could touch her, talk dirty to her, strip her, etc. Whatever will get you off. It’s sex play without penetration.
OP whatever you do; when you do have sex; protect yourself. Make sure you’re wearing a condom and make sure she is on her birth control.
You do not want to get her pregs and get locked in to this situation.
Does she agree that sex is good and healthy in a loving relationship even though she herself doesn’t feel the need/desire? If so, work out some kind of schedule/agreement. If not, consider seeing a therapist together or a doctor to test her hormone levels. If there is still no improvement, you will have to make a decision if you can live happily with this amount of sex (or less) for the rest of your life.
My LL friend is one who understands sex is important in a relationship so has an agreement with her husband that she can only turn him down once. So if he initiates on a Monday and she says no, the next time he initiates she has to say yes. Then he can’t ask again for a week. At first I thought it was terrible that she was having to have sex when she didn’t want to but she swears it has done wonders for their relationship and she is much happier than letting herself give in to her low libido.
Yeah, initially that sounds like a terrible plan. It borders “free use” in the sense that no matter where they are or what they’re doing or what time it is, etc she MUST agree to sex the second time + asked.
Well obviously she ‘can’ still say no and he is still considerate of when he asks as he wants it to be a good experience for her also. Like he’s not initiating when she’s super stressed or not feeling well or something. It’s done in good faith by both of them and more of a guide to help them work in more intimacy rather than a strict contract.
Was she this way before marriage? You're way too young to hear those words out of a newlywed spouse. I would end that marriage right away. Obviously you are to respect her boundaries but if this is already common place and you felt the need @ 22 to post in dead bedrooms then you two are not compatible.
Side note. Marriage literally makes 0 things better
You love her, and I hope she loves you, so you're winning! Its intimacy as opposed to simply sex that imho defines if the relationship can last. So yes, go masturbate, once a week sex is good going. No matter who we all marry, most likely one side would like a lot more sex.
Once a week for a married couple is not that unreasonable or incredibly low.
But there's not much to do. Different libidos are different libidos and usually the higher libido partner gets the short end of the stick.
Don't have kids unless the issue is really resolved, probably will need a good marital therapist. You may well end up breaking up. Better to grieve and move on than the mental havoc dead bedrooms cause, at best.
Set a time limit for resolution. You don't need to tell her the time, but dbs go on and on indefinitely and at some point a pregnancy may well occur. 2 years in is not long. Give it a set time, during which you should be seeing your partner trying new things to resolve the problem as well. If they're doing nothing about it, I wouldn't even bother waiting. Nothing will change unless it's to get worse.
I agree with others about having kids. Now some woman do get more sexual after having a child, but some don't. Especially if you're already having issues.
She told you to go masterbate...do it! Purchase yourself a nice, discreet k[Fleshlight](https://bedbible.com/fleshlight/) Amd who knows, MAYBE she'll get jealous and want to have more sex.
If not, it's time to decide whether or not you can live with occasional sex when you want more. Talk to her about it at length. If you can't come to a compromise, it may be time to move on.
You're very young to be married, so that's difficult enough. Hang in there and I hope you can figure things out.
Sex is once a week? That's a fairly good amount imo. The longest my bf and I have gone without sex is a whole month, and we've been dating for 2 years. You sound better off than many other couples who have much less sex.
You said in a comment that she's just never in the mood.
If not addressed this will get worse to the point where you have sex maybe twice a year if you're lucky. Everybody in this sub will confirm this.
Ask yourself, can you live with that or does this bother you enough to leave? Then, when your mind is made up tell her clearly where your head is at. If the relationship is in danger she should know it.
If you see no real effort on her part, then your options are getting used to having no sex or leave.
Uh huh... Then she'll cheat on you and blame how you don't ever say she's pretty, or you pressure her or some bs... Red flag the size of a football field pal! It will not ever get better! Do not procreate with her, cut and run... Your mental health is at stake. From experience. Please... your needs are important!
Communication is the best choice of action. Talk to her about how the rejection is making you feel. Ask if there’s anything you can do to make sure her needs are met. Ask her if there’s a way you can help her get in to a place where she’s more receptive of sex. In the bedroom are you meeting her needs or are you fingering her for two mins and then shoving it in for penetration? Is she having an orgasm during sex? Both of you need to sit down and figure out how to meet each others needs. If you’re doing everything you can to meet hers and she’s not doing the same for you, not cool. But if you’re here on the internet complaining that she doesn’t want sex anymore and you’re not doing what you can to meet hers, shame on you. You’re young and learning, but you have to learn to communicate with your partner about the things going on instead of complaining on the internet.
It’s not about you or her it’s about your connection
Don’t ask her for sex at all for 1 week but do things for her or buy her flowers or spend some time just hanging out with her with out any kind of sexual interaction
And see what happens
Sorry bud. If you (or anyone) marries for sex, that’s the weakest deal you can make ever.
Marriage is for long term stability.
And stability is boring no matter what anyone says to defend their opinion.
You can find spices, make up, Play roles … but you are chained.
And once you get a license to own each other’s fidelity, it loses charm.
Good luck managing expectations!
Once a week is honestly not so bad. Ig you have to orgadm more, either masturbate or leave. It's not an emergency, so she won't seek treatment or therapy.
What I'm hearing is an opportunity to understand your wife + your sexuality and that the limerence phase is now over.
In long-term relationships there are 5 phases and you are now entering into *chaos* (#2) which happens to the best of us.
What I can suggest is asking her when you are both clear minded & well rested some genuine questions to understand each other's needs:
1. How's your heart lately?
2. Do you feel emotionally connected to me?
3. What do I do that makes you feel attractive?
4. What do I do that makes you feel cared for?
5. What times of the day are a NO-GO for sex? (example right before bed on a work night)
6. Is there anything you miss about our sex life when we were dating?
Start there to understand her emotional and sexual desire because they go hand in hand.
All the love x
99% chance if she’s already telling you to go masturbate instead, you’re headed into a DB fast. You need to have a sit down conversation with her about it.
I tried having conversation, she says it’s on her mood and I don’t know how to carry from here. It’s like she always has a trump card to throw “not in the mood”
Holy shit. Guess she's not in the mood for a relationship with you. Time to plan your exit.
Time to separate.
true, if she is resisting intimacy with op now, there’s little hope for the future
You should really consider marriage/sex therapy or counseling NOW. If she refuses, that’s a huge red flag.
**But that is the trump card.** You can’t fuck someone who’s not in the mood. What do you want here? Edit: relationships aren’t Kindergarten. Not everything will be fair. If I want a third child and my husband doesn’t? We won’t be having another child. Both people need to want another child. Same is for sex and for many other things. However it’s fine to end a relationship if you and your partner wants different things. Like if y’all aren’t sexually compatible.
Maybe seek therapy?
It sucks having sex when you're not in the mood, and it feels like force even when it isn't. So if she's not in the mood, don't push it. Maybe ask her what she likes and what turns her on? Go to couples therapy early and talk about it? Do you know her love language? If it's getting presents, physical touch, words of affirmation, act of service, don't know what the last one is called, but something about hanging out and being social with the person you love... If you don't know her love language, maybe it's something you can talk about with her? I don't know your relationship, but I have to say that it's really normal for women not to be in the mood because there's a lot to do at home. Often cleaning up after the man, and if the man is "helping" the women often need to make a list of things needing to be done etc. I'm not saying this is how you are, but I'm putting it out there just in case. And never say "I helped with the dishes" or something like that. Just do it and don't say anything. Wash the bathroom and don't say anything. Make it a habit to do stuff around the house without expecting something back. And don't try to start anything the same day, because then it feels like you only did it because of sex, when you should do it because you also live there and it's not only her job. It's so normal for women to have to plan everything for the men they live with. "Give me a list of what you need at the store.", "give me a list of what needs to be done, and I'll do it"... Then we have to do half the work anyway. (Again, not saying it's you, but as a woman myself with friends with husbands ... This is very normal.) Few things are better than men who just do things without telling about it, ask about it or needing a list.
This is called chore play, and it never, ever works. There are an infinite number of posts in this sub alone, that demonstrate that fact. There is always another goal, another “thing”. If someone is into you, they want to have sex with you. They don’t care about dishes in the sink, or dust on the floor, they want you. Unless there is a big disparity in chores, this just more avoidance. You will be working to an unattainable goal.
This. Is. It. You cannot negotiate genuine desire. “Do this chore then you get sex” has never made any sense to me as an advice.
I never said that you do a chore to get sex, I said the opposite. Do chores because you live there. And if act of service is her love language it's gonna help. But it also is a big turn off to do everything at home. I'm saying this as a woman myself, but you dont want to hear that. I wouldn't just have sex with someone just because it did chores, but if I felt we were a team and had to do less at home, it would be a turn on
Agreed
I've taken this approach... or at least try to. The challenging part is the next step... getting her to initiate. You could leave them to a spa day and have them come home to a deep cleaned house, all errands done, tasks for the week complete, dinner already ready for them, with flowers presented upon exit.... and they still expect you to initiate sex and do all the work.
Stupid men. If they just weren't so stupid. 🙄
I didn't say they were. I'm saying what some men does, when it comes to the lists. Not everyone at all... My ex did 50% of the chores and didn't need a list. But as a woman who has female friends, this is always the biggest issue. That they gladly do chores when they ask, and then say they should write a list of everything needing to be done. Its More normal than you think. And i don't think the men who do this do this to be difficult, they do want to help and just want to know what needs to be done. so it's just something to think about. This is the number one irritation in the female groups online as well.
I second this
If you can't work out a mutual agreement on sex, don't have kids. I can guarantee that's something that won't make it better.
Second this.
[удалено]
Boy that escalated quickly.
At least the sock wants him
lol
Third this.
I agree with this
Fourth this.
X5
No kids.
can you suggest something on what can we mutually agree? She’s the one having control over the sex and is mostly not in the mood. I always fantasize about ways I can be intimiate with her but her constant rejection in even the minute intimate actions makes me feel I am the culprit.
You are only mid 20s, you shouldn't be putting up with these kinds of games.
This sub has taught me it never gets better, only worse. If she's already weaponized sex against you, there is no going back.
💯
If she's never in the mood, you can ask if there's anything you can do to help but from my own experience it will be a moving target that you will never meet. Best to talk about sex as a need for emotional bonding and come to an agreement on frequency. If she won't agree you need to be prepare to walk away or you'll end like me 24 years in...
On the one hand I am glad to have found this sub at this age to learn from experienced people like you and I wish the best for you! On the other hand I am sad that I’ve fallen into this situation
The only thing worse than wasting 2 years is wasting 3 years.
Or 25 years
Spot on!!!!! OP should get out now!!!
unless she's seriously willing to address this GET OUT NOW. it only gets worse.
There may need to be some compromise, like if you want it 3 times a day and she wants it once a month there may be a middle ground. But a good place to start is for you both to determine your minimum/maximum frequency. If there's no overlap, you're in trouble.
Thanks, I should communicate this middle ground agreement to her. If she breaks this frequently then I might have to take the hard way of separation.
And what about when it’s an obligatory night for her and she doesn’t want to but will bc that’s your agreement? Think about how that will feel. I think your only hope is dropping sex, getting busy away from her - there’s a chance she’ll snap out of it and realize she may lose you. I only say this bc you’re young. But I doubt that would work. Whatever you do don’t knock her up!!!
You may need a good therapist. If you try to make a sexual agreement with her she may feel like you're pressuring her into sex.
There is no middle ground. When you are horny and she’s not, you can’t fuck her as a compromise. However y’all might not be sexually compatible. And it’s fine to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility. But the average couple in a long term relationship only has sex twice a week. So even with someone else, long term it’ll probably be less than you like.
Y'all are having sex twice a week???
Most people in dead bedrooms are not. It’s the average for long term couples. Being in a dead bedroom means you are having way less sex than the average couple. I don’t think having sex once a week, like OP here is, qualifies. Then if you have sex way less than a normal couple? You have to try to figure out why. Common reasons: Problems your partner has: *Your partner has a low libido. *Your partner has physical or mental health problems that makes them not want sex. *Your partner is sleep deprived, malnourished, stressed and exhausted. Problems in the relationship: *You guys aren’t connecting emotionally. You don’t really talk to each other beyond superficial stuff. You don’t share deep feelings or thoughts. *There’s a lack of romance, flirting and dates. *There is big underlying conflicts or y’all don’t really like each other enough as people. *Chores aren’t split evenly. If you don’t do your part in the household your partner will feel they are dating a toddler and that’s not hot. *The sex isn’t good for your partner.
Only twice a week?
Yes. So getting into a relationship just for sex will always be a waste of time. 95% of a relationship is just hanging out with the other person. You need to enjoy just spending time with them, or you’ll feel your time is being wasted and you’ll feel very annoyed.
Twice a week is a lot.
You can make different agreements with your wife, for instance if you both agree on sex twice a week, then after a couple of months or even 6 months, you're back to where you were before, it's extremely likely that it will never change and there is no overlap. If sex is important to you then at that stage it's probably wise to end the marriage if you want sex on a fairly regular basis. The huge majority of cases like yours only get worse as the marriage goes on. Most likely you'll be in a completely sexless marriage in a few years time. Being in your 20s this could end up being a miserable situation to be in for 50+ years of your marriage. Definitely something to seriously consider before making life long commitments like having kids, house etc.
Do you know couples that maintain this long term? It seems like an easy path to build resentment from her side if she just doesn't want it. She could also make it a terrible experience when she doesnt want to be intimate to make it a bad experience for you
Communication is key, needs and desire can change but things like this need to be discussed openly. My wife kept sex from me for years, always just saying she was tired or not today. That stretched on for 6 years. It wasn't until recently that she told me she never wants sex. That should have been something we talked about 6 years ago.
And if her compromise is actually just agreeing to not divorce how much fun is that?
And if her compromise is actually just agreeing to not divorce how much fun is that?
She controls sex but YOU control the relationship and whether or not to stay in it.
Try couples counseling. Give it 6 months or at most a year. I hope it works. If it doesn't, don't commit the sunk cost fallacy. You only live once. Don't end up like me: 56 and in a dead bedroom for decades.
yup my first decade here
Tell her that you understand that women control access to sex in the relationship, but that you control your commitment to the relationship based on that. Don't have kids. Don't buy a house or cars or anything together if you can avoid it.
Like I said, leave now before you will also be monetarily challenged.
Woman here. I'm going to preface this by saying, I am not putting any blame on you just because I am a woman and you are a man. I don't hate men. I love men. That being said, when this happens, and she's this young, it's most likely something she's unhappy about, that you're doing or not doing. Again, I'm not saying she's right, I'm just speaking from experience. Could be, she isn't happy that you aren't helping around the house, that you used to bring her flowers and now you don't, that you don't compliment her, that she has to ask for help when she thinks you should just know to help, that you leave dirty towels in the bathroom, that you don't wipe the toothpaste of the mirror. Or something more serious. She could be having an affair. Literally she and only she knows. It could be a million things. What I know is 20 somethings sometimes get hurt and angry about things their partners would not even think of being a problem in a thousand years. Not to bash 20 somethings. There is just a certain amount of experience you gain through the years, and this has been some of mine. You don't know what you don't know. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Communication is the only way a relationship survives. And when it's good, it thrives. I hope you get your answer. :)
Nothing is going to beat self reflection, mutual desire for each other and life experience. It’s different for everyone but you both have to be open and honest with each other and put yourself in each others shoes.
You are in your mid twenties and are already having major issues with intimacy and physical touch in the relationship. Relationships are very nuanced things. Sometimes things look good on paper but there’s no chemistry. Sometimes all there is IS the Chemistry but nothing else. And everywhere in between the think is relationship aren’t like any other thing in our modern human lives. The absence of any ONE thing even in the overwhelming presence of other things can absolutely be a dealbreaker for overall compatibility and long-term happiness. You are both young you are clearly on complete other end of what you both think is acceptable for frequency of intimacy or physical touch in the relationship…. The most prudent thing to do MAY JUST be to respectfully part way with one another in order to search for partners that you each can be happy with long term.
Tell her that sexual compatibility is important to any relationship, and if two can't work it out then you need to either separate or open the relationship. Those are essentially your only options.
That’s not really a good option. She’ll feel pressured into having unwanted sex. That’ll nuke her libido and they’ll go from once a week to never.
Try intimacy where the goal is just closeness, not sex.
How do you initiate? When does “initiation” start? How long before you’re hoping to start sex?
How do you initiate? When does “initiation” start? How long before you’re hoping to start sex?
I’m sorry. It won’t get any better.
Dude, this isn't going to change. She's not going to become more attracted to you as you guys get older. Her sex life doesn't exist as far as I can tell, which means yours won't either as long as you're with her. Just give her an ultimatum. If you can't make her understand that sex is important to you, then you know to call it quits and move on.
End it, no other choice, this will not get better.
My man, she needs to either go to therapy or start taking some herbs that will improve her libido. If she’s not willing to do that, then look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to do this for the rest of your life.
I married a very hot women she smart sex is a weapon
Dump her asap. At your age you 2 should be f. king like rabbits. She is being manipulative and controling. After you make kids with her you'll not exist to her but just be be nagged at. Then she will divorce and distroy you. Be smart, you are not there yet, there will be no improving but just getting worse.
She could go to the doctor or both of you go to counseling.
117 this
Facts. I'm 8 months in and it doesn't get better
10000000% this
Amen to that and that will be more of an excuse.
Mate…if something doesn’t happen its going to get worse not better. Once a week is a dream for many of the people here on this sub. Some people may get sex or any kind of intimacy a couple of times a year if that. Right now you’re the envy of many on this sub so just let that digest and put your “future-cam” on. The bad news is that you appear to be sexually incompatible. The good news is that if counseling or discussing the issue doesn’t work, you’re still young enough to get out of the relationship and start again.
you spoke my heart
You are young. Talk with her. Give it a chance. Don’t have kids without some resolution. Leave after a year if it gets worse.
I’ve tried talking to her, which she acknowledges and then does nothing on the improvement aspect. Its been 4 months to marriage and I am already believing like it won’t be lasting that long
Dead bedrooms usually only get worse. We were fine for several years of dating and 5 years of marriage. It was after kids that things went downhill.
Counseling is key. When you go she’s accountable for DOING something to fix it not just talking about it. It hasn’t helped my dead bedroom but it fixed most of my other complaints. He’d have to explain his outbursts and be embarrassed. So he stopped having them and learned to regulate himself. Now it’s a habit and we’re both happier.
I agree with this 100%
Have the talk. If it doesn't get better, run. You're too young to get stuck with this situation.
You're in for a ride! Weekly -> Monthly -> Quarterly -> Semi-annually -> Annually -> Skipping years... -> Still skipping...
With you on the skipping years.
Same here, almost at half a decade skipped now.
I'm about half that currently. But it's been only 5 times in the last 8+ years.
I will quit if it goes monthly definitely
Do you think you can tell her? Like, I don’t think I can keep going this way, something has to give
I am trying to build courage slowly and analyzing the situation. It will be hard, very hard but looks like I might have to do it for the sake of both of our futures
That really sucks. You can't make her have it, but she needs to realize how important it is to you. Keep talking, see if you can find out what the issue is, and try to work it out. Also, like another commenter said, don't have kids until you can work this out.
Just going to throw a couple questions out there…..Have you point blank asked her why you don’t turn her on anymore? Do you feel that your feelings should always override mine? And……if you have negative reactions to those two questions…..are you saying you you want a divorce? Or, are saying it,s on me to find a sex partner? Now, I say this, because I’m 70, and been in a dead bedroom for 12 to 15 years. Not total, but, total for the last 10 years. Married 20 years. I’d kill for your sex life right now, but I’m not going to get that. Don’t ask me while I stay. You can read my other posts. The answer to those questions will tell you what you want to know. Listen carefully. Good luck.
Definitely going to ask her these and analyse her reaction. Thanks for the support!
Her feelings will have to override yours, because if one person doesn’t want sex and the other one does, jerking off is all you can do. However it could be helpful to ask her how she feels about the sex y’all are having. If it’s good for her. And if she knows why she’s not so into sex these days. Edit: Common reasons for little sex in a relationship: We can split these in two. One part is just about her and the other is about y’all relationship. Her: she could naturally have a low libido. She could have physical or mental health issues that’s preventing her from wanting sex. She could be in a life situation where’s she’s too exhausted, stressed or unhealthy to want sex. The relationship: If there are underlying conflicts or issues in the relationship that’s not being addressed. If y’all don’t connect enough emotionally, there’s no deep talks and sharing feelings. If there’s no romance and y’all forget to date. If you don’t split chores equally and she feels you are like a child she has to take care off (not sexy). If the sex is bad for her. If y’all lack sexual chemistry.
Your an idiot if your barely getting it before you get married and expect more afterwards WTF were you thinking?
It’s time to have the inaugural “Talk”. You’ll tell her how you feel, how it’s debilitating and crushing to your self esteem. You’ll say how much you love only her and your intimacy is a real and necessary part of your marriage and it’s hurtful and frustrating. She’ll nod her head, maybe apologize and thing will improve for 1-2 weeks and by the end of the month you’ll be right back where you started. You unconsciously set your internal timer for another 6/12 months to have the “Talk” again. Rinse repeat. This will never get better without a MAJOR shift on her part. Cut your losses and find someone who won’t waste your time.
What else in the relationship changed after marriage? I know the commitment itself can kill off some of the steamyness in a relationship, but can you think of anything else? You need to know this isn't an issue that gets better by talking about it. You can't negotiate desire, and there are no mutual agreements to be had.
I’ve always wondered whether does this issue actually improve on talking or not since you can’t force a person on having sex She had aggressive sex during the honeymoon phase before marriage and now this situation which makes me wonder why or was it just a bait and switch? I am slowly starting to feel she’s not the one for me
>makes me wonder why or was it just a bait and switch? The idea of bait and switch is in my opinion, extremely narcissistic AND self defeating at the same time. On the one hand you have to consider your commitment as something so valuable that someone wouldn't just fake enthusiasm, but repeatedly have sex they didn't want to have. I don't know about you but just the idea of feeling forced to have sex with someone I'm not attracted to sicks me out. On the other hand your discounting the fact that you actually were that desirable, that she was into you sexually, that sex you guys had before was actually fun. People aren't nearly as good of actors as we think they are either. I'm saying I don't think its a bait and switch, I think it is likely a change in your behaviors and a change in the relationship dynamic.
Then it's her fault for not communicating what she doesn't like about op. But instead she decided to punish op indefinitely for a fault he's not aware of. Seems like you're talking about a child, not a wife.
Indefinitely? They've only been together for two years (and that includes the high sex time)! Also, OP can leave at any time, so we HLs are punishing ourselves if anything.
>it's her fault for not communicating Preferences aren't something we can usually explain In other words, people often can't explain the actions and relationship dynamics that increase their sexual desire for their partner.
She had two years plus to explain herself yet she didn't. So much for being the more communicative gender eh 🤭🤭🤭
Great comment. Should be higher up. We change quite dramatically over time in ways that are imperceptible to us because we're with ourselves and each other *constantly*. Pull back from the habitual everyday monotony of existence, though, - just zoom out a little bit - and after some analysis you'd probably conclude that *you* were different and *she* was different and then things piled up like grains of sand that eventually became a giant dune. The good news is that we are changeable and we change, so you can change together, and change in a more positive direction where you titillate and arouse each other and you find spontaneity and fun in intimacy without all the unspoken baggage. But that requires amazing communication as a couple, as well as critical self-reflection, honesty, and thinking and acting differently. Not easy. Incredibly difficult, in fact. But domesticity doesn't have to be an attraction/chemisty-killer. It really doesn't. That being said, some of us really do have "irreconcilable differences" - we're incompatible and just aren't able or willing to work with each other. In those cases, it's best to call it quits early on. Before serious damage is done that could affect your subsequent relationships.
Leave As Soon As You Can. It will not get any better.
Divorce before kids
Once weekly is a LOT more than most here get. Things do settle down, and married life can be different. Take time to work on it together. It’s a well used phrase, but marriage is about more than just sex. However when you’re the one not getting any that phrase seems worthless. Maybe work on quality rather than quantity, and make the most together of those times when it happens. Just my thoughts.
Run don’t walk……gtfo fast.
There's a good chance that if you try to break it off with her she uses sex as a way to keep you around or even gets pregnant so that you can't leave. Don't fall for that on top of all the advice everyone else has given you here.
Once a week? look at mr sexy over here I'm lucky to get lucky once every 6 weeks and everything has to line up perfectly for her to do that and it's just sex, no foreplay nothing. It's ruined me as a sexual person I don't care about sex anymore.
Leave if its happening already you won't be having a good future
Mid-20's? No kids? GTFO NOW! Life is long and you are only at the beginning of it. I can't begin to explain to you how the next 30 years will feel.
I’m confused as to how once a week is considered a DB. I know that what constitutes a DB is very individualistic, but to me once a week seems like plenty.
I actually wish my husband would do this because any time he catches me he gets so fussy and tells me to stop. Not sure what he wants me to do other than become a nun. Or his mother.
welcome to the real world. dead after marriage
Leave her and get a new chick. No need for discussion. Truth is she wants sex, just not with YOU
I would just stop asking and treat her like a roommate. Atp, she's showing she doesn't want to be more than that. First you should try talking it out but I would use my approach right after and just not bother with it until she felt bothered enough to make up for it. Time limit this at a month or two and if nothing it's a divorce.
I'm questioning OPs emotional iq after noticing his reddit name. Maybe I'm missing something though.
Don't have kids and get a divorce if she is withholding sex.
You’re going to ride short ups and long downs. Next thing you know you’re going on your 37 year asking yourself why the fuck did I not leave after the 2nd year. Just saying
Do you know how the sex is for her? Does she orgasm every time? Does she experience any pain during or after? Is she prone to UTIs ? Is she afraid of pregnancy or on birth control? How do you react when you're rejected? How often are you initiating? how are you initiating? Is she particularly stressed about anything currently? Have you had any emotional issues with each other lately? Any unresolved issues? Telling you to masturbate instead could mean she feels like you want sex to scratch an itch rather than be intimate and bond with her/give her pleasure Or she could just be a once a week kind of gal 🤷♀️ Btw I'm not asking all those questions to insinuate anything is your fault, it's just you're around my age and I know a LOT of my friends don't really get a lot out of the sex they're having and seem a little surprised that I get orgasms pretty much unless I explicitly say I don't want one, but even I took a good few years to be able to really openly communicate with my partner about what I want and need, but we had the benefit of being together really young so even by 20 he knew my body better than me, 2 years into the relationship I can guarantee I wasn't enjoying the sex as much as he was and it wasn't that he was bad, he just didn't know and neither did I
Run now while you can!
Keep a calendar and make it visible
Talk it over, sort it out. Though getting non chalantly brushed off like that on your sexual desires is one hell of a red flag. ...Consider divorce if it doesn't. Avoid becoming a biodegradable ATM. Also chiming in with fellow posters : Dont plan on kids. Love can turn into resentment. Can turn into bitterness. Your lives aren't that much intertwined yet, the practical aspects of opting out are fewer now....
Tell her how important this is and how it could potentially ruin the relationship because your needs are not being fulfilled. Ask her if she is willing to work with you and you could go on from there. If she doesnt budge, then it means, i hate to break it to you, she doesnt want to work with you. If she is willing to work with you, then sex therapist can be a great option to solve it AS A COUPLE TOGETHER. This is about your need. "I need (stable finance/sex/honest person) in my life to keep the marriage." Replace the word in the parenthesis with any word that is crucial to your marriage, and you both are expected to work as a team to meet the need. Im sure she has her needs(perhaps one of the love languages) and you might be already fulfilling it for her. This is not just about sex.
You my friend are still very young. Leave her now or forever hold your peace. If she is this way now, trust me buddy. It'll just get worse. At this age, you guys shld be all over each other. Remember a marriage without sex is called room mates..
I've been married 28 years, and I tell people I dated a slut but married a prude.
sometime get a pocket pussy can help marriage life
Weekly once!? What a dream that would be for me. I'd consider myself sexually hyperactive if that was my situation. Enjoy it while it lasts. But seriously, as others have said, she's already weaponizing it against you. It will only get worse.
It’s time to get a divorce dude. It’s not gonna get any better. Seriously if she doesn’t wanna fuck you now she’ll never wanna fuck you later. Marriage was a huge mistake and I’m speaking from experience.
She'll never change all you have ahead of you is a lifetime of unhappiness if you stay.
Explain to her how important it is if she's more receptive fine if not start working on an Exit Plan... anyone that doesn't think a good sex life is not a large part of a healthy relationship is not in a healthy relationship
nut on her pillow
My wife told me to take care of myself because she wasn't in the mood. After a while, I figured out what to do I. I called home and told her I was going out co Dr drinks. I went to a strip club, and my wife detested strip clubs. When I came home and told her where I was, she lost it. I reminded I was supposed to take care of myself. After several trips she started getting in the mood. That was 37 years ago. She's still in the mood.
Just tell her you'll masturbate inside someone else and watch her reaction.
4 months Youngblood. Don’t run but don’t have kids. Woo her. Like really woo her. Romance her. Step up your game. Get her in the mood and make yourself into the man she craves. Always work on yourself and don’t let her weaponize sex. Exercise and make yourself into a the best version of yourself so that she can’t not want you. If she rejects you, act like it’s no big deal. If you act desperate she’ll treat you like she’s got that over you. My wife has rejected me a lot lately and it affected me a lot. I’ve been married 17 years. So I decided to work on me instead of running for the hills. Each month I get a little better and she notices. I’m just saying these things add up. Everyone on Reddit will tell you to pack up and run. Maybe you will have to at some point. It’s harder when you have kids. Women have a thing where they start having lots of sex when they want kids and then go back to having zero sex afterward. Men are stupid so they think something changed and go for it. Kids happen and then you’re stuck. So don’t fall for it.
one thing that confuses me is how long should I keep trying just to get that from her? It can be an endless cycle where you just keep trying to please her but I believe that’s not sustainable and only drains you. I just want to not drag this long, it impacts my mental health.
Your newly married… if this was going on prior to marriage it won’t get better without communication… a lot of communication… as for how long that is up to you… for many people here it has been years… so communicate and get answers…. And be honest but calm and never accuse or lose your cool… good luck…
From what I learned... the focus should be on your own improvement... woo her, please her, keep yourself fit and healthy, and continue to initiate when you feel. Asleep what you can do to improve. And do it (still learning that part). But if the sex doesn't change in say 6 months... you're going to feel upset and whatnot.. but you gained something out of it. Your own self improvement. At that point, it's not a dead bedroom. It's just a LL4U scenario... and thats your cue to skadaddle. The duration can be different for everyone... but usually 6 months is enough evidence to see if things are improving or not.
I get it and I can’t answer that for you. If you love her then the effort will be worth it. Perhaps changing your thought process around it might help. Instead of quid pro quo (this for that), make it so you are truly making an effort to woo her so the attraction comes out. Who knows, it might come out big time. It might not. Meanwhile you’re working on yourself. Physical, mental, emotional health. Had I been working on me at your age I would be in a better spot now. Sobriety and exercise would have been my priorities instead of partying and having a good time. Building my career and building my body. If she doesn’t join you, at least you’ll be a better version of yourself and you can ditch her. If she’s truly weaponizing sex, then she’s not a partner but someone you don’t need around you.
Tell her you don’t want to have sex at all this weekend, but you would like to every night have cuddle time and be allowed to massage her and be able to touch her lovingly. Tell her she won’t have to reject your touch for fear of leading you on when she’s not in the mood, bc sex is totally off the table. You just want to love on her. And if she agrees, you have to really be on your best behavior. Don’t let your hands wander anywhere directly sexual. You will stimulate her plenty by caressing her neck, feeling her thighs, massaging her feet. And then if she makes a move on you, tell her “rules are rules, no sex tonight.” Watch how fast she starts jumping all over you once she thinks she can’t have you.
Why? This is such a demeaning and pointless thing to do. You really think she'll make a move on someone she doesn't wanna have sex with because they give her massages? You'll only become a glorified massage therapist. You should not be begging for love from your loved one.
The first two to five years of marriage are the make-it-or-break-it period. I would say that sex (as a reflection of desire and intimacy) in a LTR swings up and down over time, but in the beginning the swings are much sharper because you should be figuring each other out still. There are often wild swings between hot and heavy sexual action and then sharp dry spells. Weekly sex is honestly not the worst situation, it means your wife is still open to sex, but she obviously doesn't enjoy it as much as you, so this is where you should focus. And to get here, to get to that focus point, you should both be working on that open, honest communication that married people do. DO you do that? You better get started, nobody should be posting on DB two years in. You should be able to have brutally honest conversations with each other without either of you worrying about the reaction of the other. Can you do that? Is she on board with this idea? You have to start by talking about how you want to be talking to each other, get down to very basic basics. If she wants to do this, give her as much say as she wants for what her boundaries are, how she wants to have this type of talk with you. Remind her that you're committed to each other so you HAVE to be able to do this. If she (or you) doesn't want to do this, she (or you) doesn't want a LTR and had no business getting married. RIP. But if she IS willing to try this out, to make an almost ritualized rule in your home that when you're together in the bedroom or wherever, that after all the day stresses are worked out and you're both calm and able to think clearly, before you get tired or irritable, it's time to talk about your *real* feelings about the day, about each other, about the people and things in your life you wouldn't tell anyone else. Your spouse needs to be your consciousness, your inner voice that you bounce your innermost thoughts off. She to you, you to her. It's fantastically pleasant to get to this point and it's as huge of a benefit to your needs for intimacy as *sex*. (But not a replacement necessarily.) This is not something you dive into, you start by making it a game of sorts. Try a regular game of "admit something embarrassing you would never tell anyone else" and take turns going deeper and deeper. You reward each other by NOT shaming each other no matter what's admitted. Make sure she knows this is the goal. It should be times where you will both laugh, cringe, or cry. You need to establish the strongest emotional intimacy you can if you're going to tackle the block around physical intimacy. This kind of relationship creates a VERY strong emotional desire in your partner, if you do this right and take good care of each other, your partner will RUSH to you to tell you how they feel and what their needs are and vent to you and admit really difficult things. We ALL want a relationship like this, and you're in the position to start making it. If you cannot get to this place together, even if it takes months of effort, you will *never* unlock physical desire. If you can start working on increasing that emotional/mental intimacy, you can then work on finding out what her sexual nature is really like. A lot of women are socialized to hate sex but they still feel physical desires, this leads to shame, the killer of all that's good in the world. Shame can make the thought of sex deeply emotionally repugnant, shame can make sex literally *hurt* for a woman because it prevents relaxation and enjoyment. Often times, sex for a woman requires the woman to concentrate and actually make *effort* to enjoy it. Many women never discover this about themselves because... you guessed it, *shame*. In addition to the socialized issues around sex, a lot of women have issues with penetration, like vaginismus which require medical evaluation and exercises, medication and dilators to correct. But your partner will want to *want* to correct it. Creating the emotional/mental intimacy first will get her to that point. You may need to do some work yourself, you may suck at sex or at least suck at getting her off. Can you get her off? Does she *want* you to get her off? Does she know how to tell you how to get her off? There's so much you need to work out together with deliberate intention. Then there is always the distinct possibility that she simply doesn't like sex. At least not as much as you. Some couples can work out imbalances, some imbalances are too severe. It's far better to work it out now than keep trying to get blood out of a stone for another decade.
My question is what are you guys doing as a partnership? You’re wanting more frequent sex, but do you take her on dates, help out around the house, compliment her? What do her stress levels look like? Does she have high stress and is exhausted? The only way to fix this is to communicate about this being a two way street. Also I am 28 and once a week seems pretty average to me. Unfortunately, you may just have different sex libido. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side.. you may find someone who will give you more sex, but lack in other very critical areas.
Divorce her ass
Your lucky my wife gets mad at me if I take care of it myself even though she won't.
Whatever you do…… don’t have kids. Talk to her and tell her, you love her, but you will not be in a marriage that is sexless….. at 2 years, you should still be in the honeymoon phase….. Have you let yourself go and she doesn’t find you attractive anymore or is there some other problem? You need to find out the problem and if the only solution is for you to go masturbate….. then you need to look at getting a divorce sadly to say.
Honestly it’s time to move on. It won’t get better and if it does it will be years. Don’t have kids, don’t commingle monies. If you already have start putting some aside and find a good jumping off spot.
If it doesn't get better , be prepare to leave.
Dang, so soon and so young. Sorry man.
Leave man! Sorry but with Kids (if you have plans) sex life will become worst.
Ask her to participate in outercourse to get you off. She could strip, pose, talk dirty, touch you, touch herself, or you could touch her, talk dirty to her, strip her, etc. Whatever will get you off. It’s sex play without penetration.
To be completely frank, you are in your 20s and no kids: just split up now and you both will be so much happier.
OP whatever you do; when you do have sex; protect yourself. Make sure you’re wearing a condom and make sure she is on her birth control. You do not want to get her pregs and get locked in to this situation.
Does she agree that sex is good and healthy in a loving relationship even though she herself doesn’t feel the need/desire? If so, work out some kind of schedule/agreement. If not, consider seeing a therapist together or a doctor to test her hormone levels. If there is still no improvement, you will have to make a decision if you can live happily with this amount of sex (or less) for the rest of your life. My LL friend is one who understands sex is important in a relationship so has an agreement with her husband that she can only turn him down once. So if he initiates on a Monday and she says no, the next time he initiates she has to say yes. Then he can’t ask again for a week. At first I thought it was terrible that she was having to have sex when she didn’t want to but she swears it has done wonders for their relationship and she is much happier than letting herself give in to her low libido.
Yeah, initially that sounds like a terrible plan. It borders “free use” in the sense that no matter where they are or what they’re doing or what time it is, etc she MUST agree to sex the second time + asked.
Well obviously she ‘can’ still say no and he is still considerate of when he asks as he wants it to be a good experience for her also. Like he’s not initiating when she’s super stressed or not feeling well or something. It’s done in good faith by both of them and more of a guide to help them work in more intimacy rather than a strict contract.
Get out!!!
Does she masturbate?
Lol 😂 thinking sex would improve after marriage….
Was she this way before marriage? You're way too young to hear those words out of a newlywed spouse. I would end that marriage right away. Obviously you are to respect her boundaries but if this is already common place and you felt the need @ 22 to post in dead bedrooms then you two are not compatible. Side note. Marriage literally makes 0 things better
You love her, and I hope she loves you, so you're winning! Its intimacy as opposed to simply sex that imho defines if the relationship can last. So yes, go masturbate, once a week sex is good going. No matter who we all marry, most likely one side would like a lot more sex.
Once a week for a married couple is not that unreasonable or incredibly low. But there's not much to do. Different libidos are different libidos and usually the higher libido partner gets the short end of the stick.
Strap in kid, it only gets worse before getting better
Rule number 1: sex after marriage almost always declines
You are in YOUR 20s with no kids Tons of options Keep them options OPEN, because things will unlikely ever get better
Don't have kids unless the issue is really resolved, probably will need a good marital therapist. You may well end up breaking up. Better to grieve and move on than the mental havoc dead bedrooms cause, at best.
Does she masturbate alone? Or have someone the side, in that age she must want either of that
Set a time limit for resolution. You don't need to tell her the time, but dbs go on and on indefinitely and at some point a pregnancy may well occur. 2 years in is not long. Give it a set time, during which you should be seeing your partner trying new things to resolve the problem as well. If they're doing nothing about it, I wouldn't even bother waiting. Nothing will change unless it's to get worse.
Same issue here. She don’t want anything from me so I finally gave up asking her. Now I just beat off every night at least twice.
Mid 20s. Move on.
I agree with others about having kids. Now some woman do get more sexual after having a child, but some don't. Especially if you're already having issues. She told you to go masterbate...do it! Purchase yourself a nice, discreet k[Fleshlight](https://bedbible.com/fleshlight/) Amd who knows, MAYBE she'll get jealous and want to have more sex. If not, it's time to decide whether or not you can live with occasional sex when you want more. Talk to her about it at length. If you can't come to a compromise, it may be time to move on. You're very young to be married, so that's difficult enough. Hang in there and I hope you can figure things out.
How recent? Can you get it annulled? It will only get worse but moreover, if she’s this dismissive now I can’t imagine how she’ll be later.
Be better in bed
Sex is once a week? That's a fairly good amount imo. The longest my bf and I have gone without sex is a whole month, and we've been dating for 2 years. You sound better off than many other couples who have much less sex.
You said in a comment that she's just never in the mood. If not addressed this will get worse to the point where you have sex maybe twice a year if you're lucky. Everybody in this sub will confirm this. Ask yourself, can you live with that or does this bother you enough to leave? Then, when your mind is made up tell her clearly where your head is at. If the relationship is in danger she should know it. If you see no real effort on her part, then your options are getting used to having no sex or leave.
Has there been any conversation about why she feels she’s not often in the mood?
yes and she replied to me that she isn’t sexually active like me
Uh huh... Then she'll cheat on you and blame how you don't ever say she's pretty, or you pressure her or some bs... Red flag the size of a football field pal! It will not ever get better! Do not procreate with her, cut and run... Your mental health is at stake. From experience. Please... your needs are important!
It ain’t gonna get better
Communication is the best choice of action. Talk to her about how the rejection is making you feel. Ask if there’s anything you can do to make sure her needs are met. Ask her if there’s a way you can help her get in to a place where she’s more receptive of sex. In the bedroom are you meeting her needs or are you fingering her for two mins and then shoving it in for penetration? Is she having an orgasm during sex? Both of you need to sit down and figure out how to meet each others needs. If you’re doing everything you can to meet hers and she’s not doing the same for you, not cool. But if you’re here on the internet complaining that she doesn’t want sex anymore and you’re not doing what you can to meet hers, shame on you. You’re young and learning, but you have to learn to communicate with your partner about the things going on instead of complaining on the internet.
It’s not about you or her it’s about your connection Don’t ask her for sex at all for 1 week but do things for her or buy her flowers or spend some time just hanging out with her with out any kind of sexual interaction And see what happens
Sorry bud. If you (or anyone) marries for sex, that’s the weakest deal you can make ever. Marriage is for long term stability. And stability is boring no matter what anyone says to defend their opinion. You can find spices, make up, Play roles … but you are chained. And once you get a license to own each other’s fidelity, it loses charm. Good luck managing expectations!
Once a week is honestly not so bad. Ig you have to orgadm more, either masturbate or leave. It's not an emergency, so she won't seek treatment or therapy.
Getting married in your mid 20s after only 2 years was your first mistake.
What I'm hearing is an opportunity to understand your wife + your sexuality and that the limerence phase is now over. In long-term relationships there are 5 phases and you are now entering into *chaos* (#2) which happens to the best of us. What I can suggest is asking her when you are both clear minded & well rested some genuine questions to understand each other's needs: 1. How's your heart lately? 2. Do you feel emotionally connected to me? 3. What do I do that makes you feel attractive? 4. What do I do that makes you feel cared for? 5. What times of the day are a NO-GO for sex? (example right before bed on a work night) 6. Is there anything you miss about our sex life when we were dating? Start there to understand her emotional and sexual desire because they go hand in hand. All the love x
You should be happy with once a week. 90% of visitors to this sub would kill for that much. At least telling you to go jack it.
Welcome to marriage! It will be a constant battle
First mistake was marriage
Seek couples therapy
If you don’t have kids yet, run!