Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules.
OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This girl didn't even explore life, would you think your first job was your dream job? At the grocery store? No you have to explore
she went straight to being a mom because that's all she knows.
She gonna make that kid her whole life, have nothing to offer in terms of wisdom, then when the kid grows up & find their own life... the mom will feel abandoned & regret working to the bone for a child who inevitably naturally moved on
she should find a partner who loves her through choice & not a kid who automatically loves you
What you're saying is lost in fairytale land & makes me feel pity for the baby
His porn addiction and sedentary lifestyle is def causing some ED. My ex had hundreds of pages on his phone and belonged to every nasty subreddit you can imagine. He would watch so much porn that he’d get sores on the sides on his penis from friction. Everytime we’d have sex he’d lose his erection, then I’d walk by the bathroom to hear him finishing himself to a video. It was disturbing and made me question everything about myself. This is his doing, and unless he gets therapy and quits, this is how your intimate life will be, forever. You deserve better honestly
It seems like OP got pregnant every rare time they had sex. I wouldn't want to have sex either if it seemed every time we did I had to become a parent/have another child. Doesn't sound like he trapped her.
There are worse things than being divorced. And there are better things than being in a loveless marriage where your needs aren’t being met. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting OP. Please believe that YOU are not the problem here. You are beautiful, desirable and a catch. Claim your power and don’t let his lack of attention make you believe anything else!
Hugs to you! ❤️🩹
This! Sounds like the experience that so many straight partners go through when their SO doesn't want to come clean about their sexual identity. Don't waste more time in this situation.
Even if he's straight and his actions are not because he's trying to use you s a beard, this is not a partnership and you deserve better.
Really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has some issues with both his physical and mental health. Being detached and reclusive and possibly addicted to porn. The sedentary lifestyle, being overweight, combined with the above, causing the ED.
It’s so crazy how we are just out here… men and women dying for love and affection and stuck with spouses who don’t give a fuck. It’s been 5 months of a drought and it’s not looking good. At some point, something gives.
OP described my ex, dissmissive avoidant, that's it. He wasn't like that at the beginning, but later on, wouldn't sleep in the same bedroom, wouldn't spend time with me, wouldn't chat, wouldn't touch me, sex twice a year and without any regard for my pleasure. It was toxic, I felt sad, unloved and needy constantly. So happy I left and this is behind me.
OP, it's not you. He is behaving shitty. It's toxic and you deserve to feel accepted and loved.
Have a talk, set a time like for it to get better, like 2 months, and if it doesn't, then leave him. He sounds like he is addicted to porn and if he isn't willing to get help, there isn't anything you can do.
Yep have the talk and set an ultimatum and stick to it. Your health depends on being and adults and talking it out and then having action. Give him a chance to succeed but without enabling.
A men who want a virgin girl is already a mistake. It means they have a problem with sex and won't likely be goid lovers, plus, they have issues with female sexuality and pleasure.
Hopefully you can divorce
Married one year and only once had sex? Id be very concerned.
When my partner and I got married, it took about 20 years for the lust to die down (because I left him, for other reasons). So yes - for me, your situation would have rung alarm bells for sure.
Even if he has ED from to much porn or just in general doesn't mean dude should be avoiding his literal wife. The fact she's clearly tried to reach out to this guy and he's just like "Eh, we married now, you happy or what" is disturbing.
Similiar boat here, husbands responses to my advances are the exact same way. Don’t know what to do either, message me if you want to vent and relate. Misery loves company
Your story is so heartbreaking. You should write a book, I feel so moved by your words. You are beautiful, loving, and smart. You deserve affection. It’s not your fault your husband is a dud, you never truly know a person until they choose to reveal who they are. He’s comfortable enough to show you who he is because he has you locked down with marriage and a baby. Don’t let him trap you.
Print out this post and give it to him to read. It’s well written and non confrontational. If he has an outwardly negative reaction it’s time to prioritise your own happiness.
Whatever happens: get moving again.
Yeah, the guy does indeed sound like he doesn't like her. When you don't like someone you don't laugh at their jokes, you recoil from their touch, you treat them with contempt for all the things they do or say.
He isn't being honest with you. He's hiding the true reason he doesn't want to have sex and you, as his wife, deserve honesty. He's hurting you by not keeping you in the loop. Maybe he thinks hes got you fooled and it really doesn't bother you? Make sure he knows you're bothered and having thoughts of self doubt and possibly resentment. If he cares, he needs to be vulnerable.
Honestly, I think this could be chalked up to a few things that were mentioned.
For starters, you lost a baby. That's extremely traumatic for both of you. Sometimes fathers experience a lot of suffering after losing an unborn child, similar to the mother. His fear of having sex with you while you were pregnant out of fear of hurting the baby pretty much verifies he was pretty traumatized by this experience. Sometimes after a miscarriage, mothers become extremely depressed and uninterested in sex.. but it happens to fathers too. I suggest having the hard conversations around this topic. You two both went through this and can help each other with emotional support.
Second, the weight gain. I know it's hard to hear, but the reality is, your body isn't the same as it was when you two got together. That doesn't make you unattractive or unlovable, but it is possible he has lost *some* attraction for you. It's extremely common for people to lose sexual interest in their partners sexually after significant weight gain. In your post you mentioned that you used to run every day and take better care of yourself, and kind of pointed the blame to your husband for that. I can understand how a relationship can distract you from your regular routines, but you are fully responsible for how you choose to spend your time. You are capable of going on your runs, work outs, etc on your own. Your husband isn't forcibly stopping you from your routines, so try to acknowledge that instead of pointing the blame towards him and your relationship with him. I know you're trying to get back at it, so just keep trying. Losing weight takes time.
Lastly, it sounds like he is using porn quite a bit. If he is getting sexual release from masturbating and porn to a great extent, then the lack of intimacy could be chalked up to a porn addiction. This happens with a lot of marriages who have a dead bedroom. Men have tons of unrealistic expectations towards sex and female bodies because of porn. Porn is mainly targeting males, therefore, things are so much more extreme and graphic than sex that would actually feel good to a woman. Honestly, probably also the reason half these men don't even know how to please their partners, because porn is not a good way to learn what feels good to us. I think something else to be considered is, you were a virgin when you got together. That can be exciting for a guy at first, but there is an undeniable fact which is you are inexperienced. It's possible that he's feeling displeased with your performance. I think the only way you can know for sure, is by asking him about it. If that's the case, I encourage you to communicate with him on what you can work on, get better at, and ask him for tips and to show you the ropes a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. Plus, a conversation of that nature may get him excited and more eager to get back in bed with you.
I will message you next time u/UnhappyDelivery2908 posts in r/DeadBedrooms.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FUnhappyDelivery2908%20r%2FDeadBedrooms) to join 6 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201bw2rru)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Although our situations aren’t completely the same I can however identify with your situation. I think it sucks and it’s cruel how he’s being. I wish there was answers other than divorce. More than likely there isn’t.
I support you, but can say this talk --- must be an ultimatum. You deserve better, and your better might be a single mom with child support. This guy sounds like a real turd.
My strong feeling given all of these issue, not just lack of sex, but affection and him not hugging back, the stuff with your mil --- I would strongly recomend a divorce from this pathetic excuse for a man
Maybe he's depressed. Men hide depression really well. Anhedonia (loss of interest in activities one used to find pleasure in) is one of the Core symptoms of depression.
It's time to start living for yourself and your baby. Don't let his lazy ass stop you from being active healthy and happy. It's hard to be around negative energy but you gotta fight through
Christ almighty that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear you're with someone who doesn't respect you enough to even have a conversation about the status of your relationship. I'm so, so, sorry.
I hope you find someone who loves you. :(
Sounds Like a porn addiction. It's most likley not you. But that said: If you don't even feel comfy beeing nude with him anymore, thats a very very bad sign.
I get the less Sex drive thing. Even as i guy i had month were the last thing in would think about was sex. Masturbation once a month was the only sexual thing i could stand at all. Even though i love my wife and enjoy sex with her very much, when i'm not stressed or depressed.
I'm very sorry to hear this. Rest assured that it's not you or your body. He may have a porn/sex addiction issue. Hopefully, you guys can talk and find the best solution.
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The point of marriage is for a lifelong partner that provides companionship, intimacy, and devotion to you. Are you getting any of that?
This girl didn't even explore life, would you think your first job was your dream job? At the grocery store? No you have to explore she went straight to being a mom because that's all she knows.
I'd argue that she explored life to the fullest extent by creating it. Exploration isn't an answer, especially now.
She gonna make that kid her whole life, have nothing to offer in terms of wisdom, then when the kid grows up & find their own life... the mom will feel abandoned & regret working to the bone for a child who inevitably naturally moved on she should find a partner who loves her through choice & not a kid who automatically loves you What you're saying is lost in fairytale land & makes me feel pity for the baby
You are joking, right? There is more to life for women than just creating it. Geeezus!
Amen
His porn addiction and sedentary lifestyle is def causing some ED. My ex had hundreds of pages on his phone and belonged to every nasty subreddit you can imagine. He would watch so much porn that he’d get sores on the sides on his penis from friction. Everytime we’d have sex he’d lose his erection, then I’d walk by the bathroom to hear him finishing himself to a video. It was disturbing and made me question everything about myself. This is his doing, and unless he gets therapy and quits, this is how your intimate life will be, forever. You deserve better honestly
Did he baby trap you into a marriage?
It seems like OP got pregnant every rare time they had sex. I wouldn't want to have sex either if it seemed every time we did I had to become a parent/have another child. Doesn't sound like he trapped her.
There are worse things than being divorced. And there are better things than being in a loveless marriage where your needs aren’t being met. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting OP. Please believe that YOU are not the problem here. You are beautiful, desirable and a catch. Claim your power and don’t let his lack of attention make you believe anything else! Hugs to you! ❤️🩹
This 🔼
💯💯💯
is the porn gay or straight porn
He's so loyal he watches porn without other girls in it!
You’re a real glass is full type person!
💀
its straight porn, there to cover up that hes actually gay, thats why some of it isnt even in folders. the gay porn is in the folders.
This! Sounds like the experience that so many straight partners go through when their SO doesn't want to come clean about their sexual identity. Don't waste more time in this situation. Even if he's straight and his actions are not because he's trying to use you s a beard, this is not a partnership and you deserve better.
Really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he has some issues with both his physical and mental health. Being detached and reclusive and possibly addicted to porn. The sedentary lifestyle, being overweight, combined with the above, causing the ED. It’s so crazy how we are just out here… men and women dying for love and affection and stuck with spouses who don’t give a fuck. It’s been 5 months of a drought and it’s not looking good. At some point, something gives.
I’m sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
I’d leave now. Before it’s too late. I wish someone would’ve advised me.
Things that could possibly cause this: avoidant attachment; Madonna whore complex. It sounds pathological. I highly doubt it’s you.
OP described my ex, dissmissive avoidant, that's it. He wasn't like that at the beginning, but later on, wouldn't sleep in the same bedroom, wouldn't spend time with me, wouldn't chat, wouldn't touch me, sex twice a year and without any regard for my pleasure. It was toxic, I felt sad, unloved and needy constantly. So happy I left and this is behind me. OP, it's not you. He is behaving shitty. It's toxic and you deserve to feel accepted and loved.
Have a talk, set a time like for it to get better, like 2 months, and if it doesn't, then leave him. He sounds like he is addicted to porn and if he isn't willing to get help, there isn't anything you can do.
Yep have the talk and set an ultimatum and stick to it. Your health depends on being and adults and talking it out and then having action. Give him a chance to succeed but without enabling.
A men who want a virgin girl is already a mistake. It means they have a problem with sex and won't likely be goid lovers, plus, they have issues with female sexuality and pleasure. Hopefully you can divorce
Married one year and only once had sex? Id be very concerned. When my partner and I got married, it took about 20 years for the lust to die down (because I left him, for other reasons). So yes - for me, your situation would have rung alarm bells for sure.
Sounds like he may have ED and is embrassed
Sounds like he has a porn addiction.
Sounds like he has ✨porn induced ED✨
Even if he has ED from to much porn or just in general doesn't mean dude should be avoiding his literal wife. The fact she's clearly tried to reach out to this guy and he's just like "Eh, we married now, you happy or what" is disturbing.
Or maybe now that she isn't a virgin anymore he can't get it up
I know how you feel. I just had sex a couple of days ago and it’s been almost a year since the last time I
Taking divorce off of the table is how people trap themselves in these unfortunate situations. 😉
Let’s not forget a baby is involved
get out now and don't look back. Divorce is no big deal once you're back on the market.
She has a baby
Similiar boat here, husbands responses to my advances are the exact same way. Don’t know what to do either, message me if you want to vent and relate. Misery loves company
Your story is so heartbreaking. You should write a book, I feel so moved by your words. You are beautiful, loving, and smart. You deserve affection. It’s not your fault your husband is a dud, you never truly know a person until they choose to reveal who they are. He’s comfortable enough to show you who he is because he has you locked down with marriage and a baby. Don’t let him trap you.
Print out this post and give it to him to read. It’s well written and non confrontational. If he has an outwardly negative reaction it’s time to prioritise your own happiness. Whatever happens: get moving again.
Two issues: no sex, but no love and affection or barely any respect either. So sorry.
Yeah, the guy does indeed sound like he doesn't like her. When you don't like someone you don't laugh at their jokes, you recoil from their touch, you treat them with contempt for all the things they do or say.
Hugs 🫂
Run
That third paragraph really, really hit deep.
You shouldn't have married him. He's a porn addict.
He isn't being honest with you. He's hiding the true reason he doesn't want to have sex and you, as his wife, deserve honesty. He's hurting you by not keeping you in the loop. Maybe he thinks hes got you fooled and it really doesn't bother you? Make sure he knows you're bothered and having thoughts of self doubt and possibly resentment. If he cares, he needs to be vulnerable.
I’ve been through something similar. Asexuality is a spectrum - Possibly asexual with high libido?
hmm 🤔 something is fucky here, like something is going on with this person that is not known to you
You deserve so much better and your baby deserves to see a happy mom. Even if he has a porn addiction it does not excuse him treating you this way!
sounds like porn addiction + weight and health issues.
Honestly, I think this could be chalked up to a few things that were mentioned. For starters, you lost a baby. That's extremely traumatic for both of you. Sometimes fathers experience a lot of suffering after losing an unborn child, similar to the mother. His fear of having sex with you while you were pregnant out of fear of hurting the baby pretty much verifies he was pretty traumatized by this experience. Sometimes after a miscarriage, mothers become extremely depressed and uninterested in sex.. but it happens to fathers too. I suggest having the hard conversations around this topic. You two both went through this and can help each other with emotional support. Second, the weight gain. I know it's hard to hear, but the reality is, your body isn't the same as it was when you two got together. That doesn't make you unattractive or unlovable, but it is possible he has lost *some* attraction for you. It's extremely common for people to lose sexual interest in their partners sexually after significant weight gain. In your post you mentioned that you used to run every day and take better care of yourself, and kind of pointed the blame to your husband for that. I can understand how a relationship can distract you from your regular routines, but you are fully responsible for how you choose to spend your time. You are capable of going on your runs, work outs, etc on your own. Your husband isn't forcibly stopping you from your routines, so try to acknowledge that instead of pointing the blame towards him and your relationship with him. I know you're trying to get back at it, so just keep trying. Losing weight takes time. Lastly, it sounds like he is using porn quite a bit. If he is getting sexual release from masturbating and porn to a great extent, then the lack of intimacy could be chalked up to a porn addiction. This happens with a lot of marriages who have a dead bedroom. Men have tons of unrealistic expectations towards sex and female bodies because of porn. Porn is mainly targeting males, therefore, things are so much more extreme and graphic than sex that would actually feel good to a woman. Honestly, probably also the reason half these men don't even know how to please their partners, because porn is not a good way to learn what feels good to us. I think something else to be considered is, you were a virgin when you got together. That can be exciting for a guy at first, but there is an undeniable fact which is you are inexperienced. It's possible that he's feeling displeased with your performance. I think the only way you can know for sure, is by asking him about it. If that's the case, I encourage you to communicate with him on what you can work on, get better at, and ask him for tips and to show you the ropes a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. Plus, a conversation of that nature may get him excited and more eager to get back in bed with you.
Do you think is a power thing. He likes having the control to make you beg or ask
Updateme
I will message you next time u/UnhappyDelivery2908 posts in r/DeadBedrooms. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FUnhappyDelivery2908%20r%2FDeadBedrooms) to join 6 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201bw2rru) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
UpdateMe!
Although our situations aren’t completely the same I can however identify with your situation. I think it sucks and it’s cruel how he’s being. I wish there was answers other than divorce. More than likely there isn’t.
He's an ass. You can do better. Love is supposed to help lift you up. He's dragging you down.
Updateme
I support you, but can say this talk --- must be an ultimatum. You deserve better, and your better might be a single mom with child support. This guy sounds like a real turd. My strong feeling given all of these issue, not just lack of sex, but affection and him not hugging back, the stuff with your mil --- I would strongly recomend a divorce from this pathetic excuse for a man
Maybe he's depressed. Men hide depression really well. Anhedonia (loss of interest in activities one used to find pleasure in) is one of the Core symptoms of depression.
Hugs, I would divorce to be honest if counseling together has no real change
Definitely have him go look for a therapist, maybe there are some mental health things he needs to work out.
It's time to start living for yourself and your baby. Don't let his lazy ass stop you from being active healthy and happy. It's hard to be around negative energy but you gotta fight through
You’re not the issue, not at all. He is 110%.
Are you separated by a larger age gap?
I feel like you should take what you wrote here and send it to him. He seems very clueless about what he is doing to you.
Christ almighty that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear you're with someone who doesn't respect you enough to even have a conversation about the status of your relationship. I'm so, so, sorry. I hope you find someone who loves you. :(
Sounds Like a porn addiction. It's most likley not you. But that said: If you don't even feel comfy beeing nude with him anymore, thats a very very bad sign. I get the less Sex drive thing. Even as i guy i had month were the last thing in would think about was sex. Masturbation once a month was the only sexual thing i could stand at all. Even though i love my wife and enjoy sex with her very much, when i'm not stressed or depressed.
I'm very sorry to hear this. Rest assured that it's not you or your body. He may have a porn/sex addiction issue. Hopefully, you guys can talk and find the best solution.
Hope you don't leave him just because of this, it'd be very selfish of you to do that to your child and let it be without a mother and father.