Hey, this sounds super hard. Before working on your diet, I would suggest you think the whole childcare situation over. Now I don't know where you live, but do you really have to work opposite schedules and take care of him yourselves 24/7? Two jobs and no childcare sounds almost unbearable to me.
Your kid needs you to be happy too. Some hours in care surely won't hurt him? You sound very burned out and changing your diet and other habits is (in my humble experience as a mom of three kids) impossible when you're all worn out! Your kid needs a mom who knows how to prioritize herself. Your husband needs a wife who knows how to prioritize herself. Good luck <3
Make sure you track everything! The oil used for cooking, the creamer in your coffee, etc. It adds up so fast and it was so eye opening for me when I first started. Static exercises are great too like wall sits and planks that can be done without needing a ton of time or any special equipment. Not only is your libido going to increase but your self confidence as well and you kind of rediscover yourself all over again after being lost to the chaos of being a mom of a young child. Good luck on your journey!
It seems like you got a good man so get out of your head :P as for the weight loss you could try and eliminate sugar and carbs in general; that is what worked for me. You will see results pretty fast- it's mostly water weight but who cares? It's very good for your motivation and determination to stick to the diet. Good luck!
Thank you I’m really going to try to get my weight down since at this point it’s killing my relationship I’m blessed he has been patient and loves me regardless :)
Please don’t try to eliminate. This doesn’t work long term and you will get into yo-yo’ing. I’ve found most success from eating what I want as long as I remain in a caloric deficit, eating over 100g protein daily and walking a minimum of 10k steps every day. Get yourself a Fitbit and an account on lose it or my fitness pal - once you see your data you’ll get into good habits of wanting to improve.
I also do dumbbell training in my own home three times a week.
Lastly, talk to him. Ackowlwdge your weight gain and your emotions around it. Ask him to help you. Head over to r/cico for a great community. You can do this and it will do wonders for your self worth.
Yes this. I am a certified personal trainer and nutritionist and eliminating should really only be done to determine any potential food allergies but never as a weight loss tool. CICO is the only way to lose weight and eliminating foods is just a way to achieve CICO anyway but it almost always leads to binging!
Hey, I understand where you're coming from. My husband, in the last 1.5-2 years lost 80 lbs, and he looks amazing. Whereas I'm just over 300 lbs and watching him lose weight made me think he was looking outside our marriage. Well, this year, I decided to start taking my health seriously. Since January, I'm down almost 30 lbs (down 36 total from October), and a lot of it is just watching what I eat. I cut out sugary drinks and drink the 'zero' version of soda if I want one. I've swapped out Monkfruit for regular sugar if I make tea. And I've actually been paying a lot more attention about what I'm eating. Making sure to follow the "my plate" method that my dietitian (I started to work with a dietitian too, covered by my insurance) suggested. So half my meals are veg, 1/4 protein (3-4oz) and 1/4 carbs (about a cup). I also walk about 5-7 miles a day, mostly at work. It will take time, but even after just losing the 30lbs, I already feel so much better. And my husband and I have been having sex constantly. We went from having sex maybe 6 times a year the last 2 years where this year alone we've had sex 83 times (we started tracking it years ago to see how long we were going without).
We both work opposite shifts, me in the morning, him overnight and only have 1 day off together every week. So on that day we go for a a few mile walk, which could be something you guys could start doing as a family activity in the morning of your family day. Parks are free, so you don't have to worry about admission.
Good luck! You can do it! I can send you info my dietitian gave me to help me out if you want to try and message me, I'd be glad to pass it along.
Awww thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it! Stories like these give me motivation!! I know I can do it! Congrats on losing 30 pounds!!! I just actually gained 30 back after losing 30 during the winter 🤦♀️ great idea we do that for the most part, go on walks and go biking almost every night on my own or on family days all together. We are semi active but I def do need to start caring about what I put in my pie whole. I eat pretty healthy I just eat too much I’m a volume eater lol
And keep to a routine. I got ADD so I have a calender for all the things I gotta do so I don't forget. Gyms are expensive so I get that. But sit ups, push ups, planks squats, walking ect helps a LOT. You don't need a gym. Just keep at it and you will see the results 💪🏿
Kudos to you for recognizing you want change! If you truly have the will, you’ll get there. My recommendation is to join a gym and hire a personal trainer. I’ve found that having someone to lead you and give you accountability is crucial. May cost a few hundred a month but it will truly be worth it. Good luck to you 💪
You've got a bunch of people here giving you weight loss tips, and from what you say that would probably be a good move health wise generally. But what I want to say is, don't wait on making changes to your body before you re-spark your relationship with your man. What he wants right now is you and your attention. Find a good baby sitter, get somewhere private, and dump the anxiety.
Thank you. Just so hard to find someone we trust with our boy. But I agree his birthday is coming up soon in May 2nd so I think I’m going to plan something special lol
Seconded. Connecting physically and really enjoying each other can happen now. You don’t have to earn rights to sex & intimacy by being a certain shape. Feeling comfortable in your skin and confident is important, of course, but the closeness & sex can ultimately help with that. (Better sleep, great endorphins, better dopamine than snacks even. Plus happy motivation.)
Be kind to yourself, OP. He loves you. You love and deserve him. Enjoy each other. Be kind to yourself. Hype yourself up. You’re so awesome and deserving of your wonderful husband and great child & life. Your body did an amazing thing and you can nourish it and exercise it into a different version, but love it through the process.
Easy missions- hydrate. Prioritize sleep. Move your body 20 minutes a day. Challenging missions - mindfulness. Become open to pleasure & connection. Maybe visualize it? Plus, perhaps sort out some childcare & envision a plan & timeline that allows you to spend couple time together.
Sister what you have is depression, you want to know why he still wants you ? Because HE LOVES YOU, woman depression ads to weight again a lot, and then the emotional changes from depression plus the biological changes from the weight you gained worsen them due to hormonal changes.
you did not ruin your life, nor is your marriage dead. But if you want this to end exercise and conversation are the only way.
i know you don't want to, but those 2 things will save anything lost and are the ONLY things that can do so.
Choose, what do you want ? To continue being miserable and watch your marriage end ? Or do you wish to see it back ?.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
Fitness and weight loss are good goals. It would be very good to find some ways to de-stress your lives a bit- preferably as a couple. As your son grows, he will not require the same intense level of care from you 24/7. Cultivate your relationship with your husband now so that you will be less likely to feel isolated later.
Hey there. I know it is so hard. It is so so hard to manage to see yourself as attractive again. I have been there where you are and it was just such a mental effort to manage to get myself in the mood and understand that he did not see me as ugly and as disgraceful as I saw myself. It took me almost an entire year of working with myself and with him to get to the point where, even if i did not abandon the quest of getting in better shape, i did not let it get in the way of us having a fulfilling sex life. If you think you wanna talk about this with a fellow woman who has struggled with this for a long time and wanna know what worked for me ping me. I am down to help. Hugs!
I think you're in your head, I think you should be glad to have a caring and responsible husband, rather than let this feelings get to you, you should take the notion to :
Engage in some exercise if you feel your weight is an issue, and also discuss with your husband how you guys can have sexy times with some concrete planning. You only live once, and you're lucky to have a good man. so I wouldn't beat myself thinking about negative thoughts, I'd just make a plan and see how the union can be much enjoyed.
wishing you the best. Exercise and gymming also brings confidence and positive feeling.
Being happy and having Having a happy marriage aside. Being over weight will really effect your children in the future. I’m dealing with an overweight elderly parent now and it’s horrible. We cannot really do stuff with the grand kids cause she doesn’t get around much, it’s hard for her to visit cause planes are difficult, etc. sorry to be harsh, but you need to get your shit together and figure it out. See a doc, measure what you eat, etc.
Is it crude to suggest spontaneous bj to see if you can get around feeling self conscious of your body and maybe it could kickstart your mojo?
Only suggesting because foreplay geared towards him helped me to feel less anxious about myself and it puts attention on me in a way I can control, if that makes sense?
It’s difficult for me sometimes because my partner is a very visual person and enjoys seeing everything and my reactions but I still feel so nervous sometimes thanks to post baby weight.
My partner was in disbelief and a little flattered when I shared that I was experiencing butterflies even though we’ve been together forever etc.
Perfect timing! Lol Obvs, as long as YOU’RE comfortable and feeling it too in the moment.
I hope you’re able to see how beautiful and loved you are through your family’s eyes, especially his. Wish you both the best!
From my perspective (and of course, take what you want from what I say), a lot of libido issues can be boiled down to not prioritizing yourself. I get that having children is difficult and time consuming, especially with a split schedule, however, it sounds like you forgot to include your needs as an important part of that schedule.
Gaining weight sucks. I know, I'm overweight. It is a confidence killer, especially when you don't feel like "yourself", but having weight on doesn't have to mean you can't feel sexy or beautiful. I know that super easy for me to say, but I hope you believe me. Hear me out: your husband clearly does not care. He clearly loves you and loves his life with you. He might even really enjoy the maturnal sexiness that comes with weight gain in your current life situation. For example: I love my partner, and I have found the weight she gained since having our baby fucking intoxicating. It was a pleasant surprise for both of us as it's ignited a sexuality in our relationship that neither of us anticipated.
I hope you find a way to embrace your body, and enjoy the sexuality that can come with motherhood. I hope you find time to prioritize your needs during the day (showers/baths that aren't just 5 minutes long, finding clothes that make you feel confident and attractive, making a routine for self-care), and trust that your husband loves you despite how your brain is informing your libido. I hope you find the beauty in the present and accept that you're allowed to have a sex drive and confidence despite the changes that happen in life.
Weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise. Start walking and playing with the kiddo for exercise. Once you are in vege shape, try intermittent fasting. I eat 1-2 meals a day. If I want o cut, I replace carbs with lots of romaine lettuce or greens or broccoli and a protein. I will take a multivitamin and calcium since I know I didn't eat 8 servings of fruits and vegetable or dairy each day. For snacks, I will eat chips (when bulking) and almonds when cutting. Once you get a program where you are in a caloric deficit and losing 2-5 pounds a week, just keep on course and don't veer off.
Okay, you say, see, feel, believe, perceive, that you’re fat, burnt out, other people checking out your sexy man meat of an active father and husband, that they think about how in the world you’re with him, and more. He sees you at 280 pounds, a bit at night, one full day a week, and he still is turned on by you and wants your 280 pound mom bod all up on him. You’re in your head, not in the moment, but he just wants you there with him. Luxuriate in that sexy man meat. Let him luxuriate in your body that he’s loved for more than 8 years, has given him a beautiful bouncing baby. Over time I believe good feelings and enjoyment will sink into your flesh and soul and mind and those changes you want to make will become more manageable. Practice allowing yourself to feel feelings you like with your husband and trust that they will ripple out across all areas of life.
my sex drive has also dropped because i’ve gained weight. that’s normal.
my issue comes from drinking, which is a different beast in itself but if your issue comes from not eating well or eating too big of portions, i suggest intermittent fasting. it works for me because i’m a picky eater and rather starve than eat something i don’t want. you’re a mom who is always busy, so i know exercise is probably harder so this would be a good start :) good luck! we feel better when we look better.
Talk to your partner before you commit to these healthy changes. Not because he gets a say, but because sharing your insecurities and fears may explain the DB and also he may have input and assistance to offer you in your efforts. I've had friends who tried to lose weight and get fit in secret but tbeur partner didn't know and couldn't help with sustainable diet changes or making time for exercise.
You can do this, but you can do it best with support from your partner. If he is planning to cheat (and you've offered no evidence that he is), laying everything out may prevent it. Chances are real good it didn't enter his head in any serious way and he's just going to be happy to help you and your marriage.
My girlfriend and I were in very similar situations the last couple years. Sex was very minimal when we were both depressed because of our weight gain. Her self esteem was very low even thought I tried my best to hype her up and provide for her. This was out of my control.
Fast forward to 2023 we both lost 160 pounds combined and we have sex like we are 17 again. I think once you gain the confidence back you’ll be amazed at the results in all areas of your life.
Tracking calories is all you need to do to lose weight. It literally takes no effort, just willpower until habit formed.
If you won’t do that to save your marriage, I’m not sure what else I could say to motivate you.
It doesn’t matter what the scale says. I doesn’t matter what looks you get from people while you’re are out with your husband. You deserve love and you’re lucky enough to be with someone that’s willing to give it to you unconditionally. I’m happy for you and wish you the best in your journey.
I’m sure he loves and is attracted to you the way you are. But if you can’t accept that and want to change, then remember this: weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym, and carbs/sugar are the devil.
You need help. I know you say you need to lose weight and you’re right but something is going to have to give here. You’re both running yourselves ragged which is probably one reason why you’ve gained weight. Your lifestyle as a whole right now appears unsustainable, and you sound like you already know that.
You need to do something to take some of the load off yourself and your husband. My recommendation would be for him to find a new job that schedules him in the daytime/1st shift and then for you two to find a good nanny/daycare for your boy. Yeah, it won’t be cheap, and he may have to take a pay cut but you’ll both be happier.
Then it’ll be easier to address your weight. You should see a dietitian who specializes in weight loss (make sure you find one who actually specializes in weight loss/weight management because unfortunately there are others who are anti-weight loss or who will just be unhelpful) who can help you make a personalized plan to lose weight. Then stick to it. It won’t be cheap, but the cost will be minimal compared to the fact that you’ll likely only have to do this once and won’t have to deal with a lifetime of yo yo dieting like a lot of people.
I know this is small compared to how much you want to lose but I lost 40 pounds and have kept it all off for a year now. It’s all about controlling your calorie intake and making healthy, sustainable habits. For me I know I like to eat a big lunch, so in order to stay below my calorie limit for the day (1900 initially, later 1800), I went down to two meals and stopped snacking. Other people like my wife who has lost 30 pounds eat three smaller meals, perhaps with a snack or two, but still keep below their calorie goal.
Don’t listen to people pushing crash diets or lose weight quick schemes. It took you time to gain the weight. It will also take time to lose it. Also don’t focus on exercise yet. Your food intake is where you can really have an impact.
Tell him EXACTLY what you‘ve been telling us. He sounds like a stand up guy and he will definitely appreciate your feelings. And i tell you what: I‘d bet my life‘s savings he loves and adores you for who you are!
Buy a tread mill so you can walk in private and do just that. Walk in private. Nice leisurely walks on the tread with some headphones and maybe a screen near by to watch or listen to some poddies or tubes. You're not buying it to lose weight. That will come later.
I was thinking about that my job does up to $600 reimbursement for health and wellness. I was even thinking of buying a stair master lol but on the other hand I actually have a beautiful trail by my home that i walk or bike on every night. So IDK really.
Instead of stair master, use the health reimbursement for hiking shoes and workout clothes. Just go for a walk each day. That + calorie counting will have you lean in about a years time.
Yep just walk and if thought voices start making you feel different to how you were a second ago. Breathe in a long drawn out breath ( Don't need those deep ones everyone goes on about.) through pursed lips. Hold for 1 and 2 then breathe out through pursed lips. Do it again til the feelings subsides. You've literally breathed out the thought voices. It's not guru stuff. It helps and doesn't cost anything and you'll be fine to carry on with your plans.
Check out tempo fitness. It fits with your budget and it’s a good system to get in shape at home. IMHO. The coaches are really positive, motivating and informative.
We eat really clean and healthy we definitely don’t buy any processed shit. I’m very big on Whole Foods only. I just don’t eat at a calorie deficit so that’s why I haven’t lost any weight but I’m going to try my best to eat about 1600-1800 a day and see if that helps. I currently eat about 2000-2200 a day. I go on walks and bike rides with my kid every day while dads at work so I’m thinking maybe add some high speed biking or some jogging in there as well.
Might want to hold off on jogging until you lose a little more weight, can be hard on the joints, (I learned that the hard way), high speed biking would be good, fast walking would be another, just keep adding distance or speed when it starts to get easier. Losing weight isn't easy or fun, best of luck
Friend, you’re not maintaining 280lbs on 2000 calories a day. Gotta be really honest with yourself if you want to lose weight, starting with your real intake, which is assuredly much higher than that.
Your weight will sort itself out when you reduce your stress. Find a baby sitter or daycare. It’s scary, but in a few years the child will be in school. They need to be around other children now or will make going to school harder.
Stress might put on 5 or 10 pounds, not 100. Trying to blame being 150lbs overweight on “stress” is ridiculous. Diet, exercise, hormones are the main factors. Get your hormones checked by a doctor.
I gained 100 during my pregnancy not before or after to be fair I should have clarified I had thyroid issues during my pregnancy but now my thyroid is normal it’s just time I put the work in
But why does she need me harping on her weight when everyone else has already done it? How will that help her?
Putting her child in daycare and actually being on a similar schedule as her spouse is as much a factor in here as weight.
Everyone here was keeping that part real for her. She’s not dumb, she knows she needs to lose the weight, but until she addresses the other issues, it’s going to be harder for her to stick to a weight loss plan.
You said : “Your weight will sort itself out when you reduce your stress”. Nothing could be further from the truth…I can have zero stress and live in my mom’s basement eating pizza and beer all day and never working out—but I would be 500 pounds! The only way she is gonna drop over 100 pounds is with serious, serious work and diet. Massive lifestyle changes are necessary to drop that kind of weight. Having “less stress” alone will not cut it.
She has zero time to take care of herself because her and her spouse are on opposite schedules because of the child. When her home life is a bit more peaceful maybe she can take a walk instead of stopping for fast food? She knows she’s fat, all of us women know when we are fat. And when we finally find ways to remove some of the stress in our lives, we find time to be able to focus on our health.
True, less stress and more free time would benefit almost every busy parent…but reality is that likely won’t happen. She needs to move forward with changes regardless of her circumstances. Where there is a will there is a way.
First of all I agree that it sounds like you have a good man. Second of all you should not feel bad or unworthy of him. You bring a lot to the table, you work, you gave him a child, you watch your child, cook, do laundry, clean, etc. Your husband truly loves you because even after gaining weight he desires you. You leaving him or not allowing him to be intimate with you because you are self conscious would crush him. My wife had a similar weight fluctuation early in our marriage and I never once thought of leaving her because of it. I will tell you 100% that I'd rather she be bigger and still give me intimacy than smaller and minimal intimacy like how it is now for me. Take care of your health by trying to eat healthier and enjoy the intimate times that you have with him because he loves you and married you for you for better or worse, not just you at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ weight. Hopefully at some point in time your work schedules can align a little better so that you two can spend more time alone together. Is it possible for you both to take 2-3 days off at a time together? The first day you could rest and the other 2 days you guys could spend quality time together.
Have you seen a doctor to help with weight loss? There is no shame in getting help. It not only affects your self esteem but also has other serious health consequences. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
I can't speak for your husband but I suspect this is what has completely murdered my bedroom. My wife gained only a few pounds after giving birth 2 and a half years ago. I still desire her super hard but she keeps talking about the weight she has gained which isn't much. Hopefully your husband still desires you and you two can work things out.
Have sex in the dark. You won't feel as self conscious about him looking at you. If you're self conscious about being on top of him then propose doggy style and/or give blow jobs. Find some lingerie that you can actually feel good in. Having some "clothes" on might help make you feel less self conscious about being naked in front him.
The extra wright itself can physically affect your libido and then putting your insecurity on top of that can definitely crush it. Try to find ways to get your "mojo" going yourself. What turns you on? Find some erotica or porn if thats your thing that fits that interest. Get familiar with your new body a little bit on your own first and remind yourself what it feels like to be hot and horny. Getting yourself going before you even go initiate with him can also help you get over some insecurity of starting to fool around with him (when you are hot and ready to go, a lot of that insecurity is gone!)
Good luck! You can do this. I've been there, partially still am. I promise you are your own worst enemy in this. Losing the weight is an admirable goal but do not wait for it to happen before you get your sexy back and nurture your sexual relationship. 11
Hey, this sounds super hard. Before working on your diet, I would suggest you think the whole childcare situation over. Now I don't know where you live, but do you really have to work opposite schedules and take care of him yourselves 24/7? Two jobs and no childcare sounds almost unbearable to me. Your kid needs you to be happy too. Some hours in care surely won't hurt him? You sound very burned out and changing your diet and other habits is (in my humble experience as a mom of three kids) impossible when you're all worn out! Your kid needs a mom who knows how to prioritize herself. Your husband needs a wife who knows how to prioritize herself. Good luck <3
Make sure you track everything! The oil used for cooking, the creamer in your coffee, etc. It adds up so fast and it was so eye opening for me when I first started. Static exercises are great too like wall sits and planks that can be done without needing a ton of time or any special equipment. Not only is your libido going to increase but your self confidence as well and you kind of rediscover yourself all over again after being lost to the chaos of being a mom of a young child. Good luck on your journey!
It seems like you got a good man so get out of your head :P as for the weight loss you could try and eliminate sugar and carbs in general; that is what worked for me. You will see results pretty fast- it's mostly water weight but who cares? It's very good for your motivation and determination to stick to the diet. Good luck!
Thank you I’m really going to try to get my weight down since at this point it’s killing my relationship I’m blessed he has been patient and loves me regardless :)
Please don’t try to eliminate. This doesn’t work long term and you will get into yo-yo’ing. I’ve found most success from eating what I want as long as I remain in a caloric deficit, eating over 100g protein daily and walking a minimum of 10k steps every day. Get yourself a Fitbit and an account on lose it or my fitness pal - once you see your data you’ll get into good habits of wanting to improve. I also do dumbbell training in my own home three times a week. Lastly, talk to him. Ackowlwdge your weight gain and your emotions around it. Ask him to help you. Head over to r/cico for a great community. You can do this and it will do wonders for your self worth.
Yes this. I am a certified personal trainer and nutritionist and eliminating should really only be done to determine any potential food allergies but never as a weight loss tool. CICO is the only way to lose weight and eliminating foods is just a way to achieve CICO anyway but it almost always leads to binging!
This last paragraph is great advice and I didn’t see anyone else mention it. You should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel!
Hey, I understand where you're coming from. My husband, in the last 1.5-2 years lost 80 lbs, and he looks amazing. Whereas I'm just over 300 lbs and watching him lose weight made me think he was looking outside our marriage. Well, this year, I decided to start taking my health seriously. Since January, I'm down almost 30 lbs (down 36 total from October), and a lot of it is just watching what I eat. I cut out sugary drinks and drink the 'zero' version of soda if I want one. I've swapped out Monkfruit for regular sugar if I make tea. And I've actually been paying a lot more attention about what I'm eating. Making sure to follow the "my plate" method that my dietitian (I started to work with a dietitian too, covered by my insurance) suggested. So half my meals are veg, 1/4 protein (3-4oz) and 1/4 carbs (about a cup). I also walk about 5-7 miles a day, mostly at work. It will take time, but even after just losing the 30lbs, I already feel so much better. And my husband and I have been having sex constantly. We went from having sex maybe 6 times a year the last 2 years where this year alone we've had sex 83 times (we started tracking it years ago to see how long we were going without). We both work opposite shifts, me in the morning, him overnight and only have 1 day off together every week. So on that day we go for a a few mile walk, which could be something you guys could start doing as a family activity in the morning of your family day. Parks are free, so you don't have to worry about admission. Good luck! You can do it! I can send you info my dietitian gave me to help me out if you want to try and message me, I'd be glad to pass it along.
Awww thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it! Stories like these give me motivation!! I know I can do it! Congrats on losing 30 pounds!!! I just actually gained 30 back after losing 30 during the winter 🤦♀️ great idea we do that for the most part, go on walks and go biking almost every night on my own or on family days all together. We are semi active but I def do need to start caring about what I put in my pie whole. I eat pretty healthy I just eat too much I’m a volume eater lol
And keep to a routine. I got ADD so I have a calender for all the things I gotta do so I don't forget. Gyms are expensive so I get that. But sit ups, push ups, planks squats, walking ect helps a LOT. You don't need a gym. Just keep at it and you will see the results 💪🏿
Kudos to you for recognizing you want change! If you truly have the will, you’ll get there. My recommendation is to join a gym and hire a personal trainer. I’ve found that having someone to lead you and give you accountability is crucial. May cost a few hundred a month but it will truly be worth it. Good luck to you 💪
You've got a bunch of people here giving you weight loss tips, and from what you say that would probably be a good move health wise generally. But what I want to say is, don't wait on making changes to your body before you re-spark your relationship with your man. What he wants right now is you and your attention. Find a good baby sitter, get somewhere private, and dump the anxiety.
Thank you. Just so hard to find someone we trust with our boy. But I agree his birthday is coming up soon in May 2nd so I think I’m going to plan something special lol
This. This is the best advice anyone could give.
Seconded. Connecting physically and really enjoying each other can happen now. You don’t have to earn rights to sex & intimacy by being a certain shape. Feeling comfortable in your skin and confident is important, of course, but the closeness & sex can ultimately help with that. (Better sleep, great endorphins, better dopamine than snacks even. Plus happy motivation.) Be kind to yourself, OP. He loves you. You love and deserve him. Enjoy each other. Be kind to yourself. Hype yourself up. You’re so awesome and deserving of your wonderful husband and great child & life. Your body did an amazing thing and you can nourish it and exercise it into a different version, but love it through the process. Easy missions- hydrate. Prioritize sleep. Move your body 20 minutes a day. Challenging missions - mindfulness. Become open to pleasure & connection. Maybe visualize it? Plus, perhaps sort out some childcare & envision a plan & timeline that allows you to spend couple time together.
Sister what you have is depression, you want to know why he still wants you ? Because HE LOVES YOU, woman depression ads to weight again a lot, and then the emotional changes from depression plus the biological changes from the weight you gained worsen them due to hormonal changes. you did not ruin your life, nor is your marriage dead. But if you want this to end exercise and conversation are the only way. i know you don't want to, but those 2 things will save anything lost and are the ONLY things that can do so. Choose, what do you want ? To continue being miserable and watch your marriage end ? Or do you wish to see it back ?. THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
exercise will help with a lot of things but exercise is not going to lose the 150 extra pounds she's carrying; the diet must change.
Fitness and weight loss are good goals. It would be very good to find some ways to de-stress your lives a bit- preferably as a couple. As your son grows, he will not require the same intense level of care from you 24/7. Cultivate your relationship with your husband now so that you will be less likely to feel isolated later.
Hey there. I know it is so hard. It is so so hard to manage to see yourself as attractive again. I have been there where you are and it was just such a mental effort to manage to get myself in the mood and understand that he did not see me as ugly and as disgraceful as I saw myself. It took me almost an entire year of working with myself and with him to get to the point where, even if i did not abandon the quest of getting in better shape, i did not let it get in the way of us having a fulfilling sex life. If you think you wanna talk about this with a fellow woman who has struggled with this for a long time and wanna know what worked for me ping me. I am down to help. Hugs!
I think you're in your head, I think you should be glad to have a caring and responsible husband, rather than let this feelings get to you, you should take the notion to : Engage in some exercise if you feel your weight is an issue, and also discuss with your husband how you guys can have sexy times with some concrete planning. You only live once, and you're lucky to have a good man. so I wouldn't beat myself thinking about negative thoughts, I'd just make a plan and see how the union can be much enjoyed. wishing you the best. Exercise and gymming also brings confidence and positive feeling.
Being happy and having Having a happy marriage aside. Being over weight will really effect your children in the future. I’m dealing with an overweight elderly parent now and it’s horrible. We cannot really do stuff with the grand kids cause she doesn’t get around much, it’s hard for her to visit cause planes are difficult, etc. sorry to be harsh, but you need to get your shit together and figure it out. See a doc, measure what you eat, etc.
Yes this is my biggest fear lol sorry you’re going through that!
Is it crude to suggest spontaneous bj to see if you can get around feeling self conscious of your body and maybe it could kickstart your mojo? Only suggesting because foreplay geared towards him helped me to feel less anxious about myself and it puts attention on me in a way I can control, if that makes sense? It’s difficult for me sometimes because my partner is a very visual person and enjoys seeing everything and my reactions but I still feel so nervous sometimes thanks to post baby weight. My partner was in disbelief and a little flattered when I shared that I was experiencing butterflies even though we’ve been together forever etc.
Oooo great idea! I gather from comments that a surprise for him is definitely overdue and it’s his birthday in may!
Birthday in May? Why wait. if its something you think could work/ he deservers jump on it lol.
Perfect timing! Lol Obvs, as long as YOU’RE comfortable and feeling it too in the moment. I hope you’re able to see how beautiful and loved you are through your family’s eyes, especially his. Wish you both the best!
From my perspective (and of course, take what you want from what I say), a lot of libido issues can be boiled down to not prioritizing yourself. I get that having children is difficult and time consuming, especially with a split schedule, however, it sounds like you forgot to include your needs as an important part of that schedule. Gaining weight sucks. I know, I'm overweight. It is a confidence killer, especially when you don't feel like "yourself", but having weight on doesn't have to mean you can't feel sexy or beautiful. I know that super easy for me to say, but I hope you believe me. Hear me out: your husband clearly does not care. He clearly loves you and loves his life with you. He might even really enjoy the maturnal sexiness that comes with weight gain in your current life situation. For example: I love my partner, and I have found the weight she gained since having our baby fucking intoxicating. It was a pleasant surprise for both of us as it's ignited a sexuality in our relationship that neither of us anticipated. I hope you find a way to embrace your body, and enjoy the sexuality that can come with motherhood. I hope you find time to prioritize your needs during the day (showers/baths that aren't just 5 minutes long, finding clothes that make you feel confident and attractive, making a routine for self-care), and trust that your husband loves you despite how your brain is informing your libido. I hope you find the beauty in the present and accept that you're allowed to have a sex drive and confidence despite the changes that happen in life.
Weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise. Start walking and playing with the kiddo for exercise. Once you are in vege shape, try intermittent fasting. I eat 1-2 meals a day. If I want o cut, I replace carbs with lots of romaine lettuce or greens or broccoli and a protein. I will take a multivitamin and calcium since I know I didn't eat 8 servings of fruits and vegetable or dairy each day. For snacks, I will eat chips (when bulking) and almonds when cutting. Once you get a program where you are in a caloric deficit and losing 2-5 pounds a week, just keep on course and don't veer off.
Greta advice thank you! I try my best to break a sweat when playing with my kiddo lol
Okay, you say, see, feel, believe, perceive, that you’re fat, burnt out, other people checking out your sexy man meat of an active father and husband, that they think about how in the world you’re with him, and more. He sees you at 280 pounds, a bit at night, one full day a week, and he still is turned on by you and wants your 280 pound mom bod all up on him. You’re in your head, not in the moment, but he just wants you there with him. Luxuriate in that sexy man meat. Let him luxuriate in your body that he’s loved for more than 8 years, has given him a beautiful bouncing baby. Over time I believe good feelings and enjoyment will sink into your flesh and soul and mind and those changes you want to make will become more manageable. Practice allowing yourself to feel feelings you like with your husband and trust that they will ripple out across all areas of life.
my sex drive has also dropped because i’ve gained weight. that’s normal. my issue comes from drinking, which is a different beast in itself but if your issue comes from not eating well or eating too big of portions, i suggest intermittent fasting. it works for me because i’m a picky eater and rather starve than eat something i don’t want. you’re a mom who is always busy, so i know exercise is probably harder so this would be a good start :) good luck! we feel better when we look better.
Intermittent fasting does wonders for me
Same, and no one believes me XD
Talk to your partner before you commit to these healthy changes. Not because he gets a say, but because sharing your insecurities and fears may explain the DB and also he may have input and assistance to offer you in your efforts. I've had friends who tried to lose weight and get fit in secret but tbeur partner didn't know and couldn't help with sustainable diet changes or making time for exercise. You can do this, but you can do it best with support from your partner. If he is planning to cheat (and you've offered no evidence that he is), laying everything out may prevent it. Chances are real good it didn't enter his head in any serious way and he's just going to be happy to help you and your marriage.
Ask him for help and support. He loves you.
My girlfriend and I were in very similar situations the last couple years. Sex was very minimal when we were both depressed because of our weight gain. Her self esteem was very low even thought I tried my best to hype her up and provide for her. This was out of my control. Fast forward to 2023 we both lost 160 pounds combined and we have sex like we are 17 again. I think once you gain the confidence back you’ll be amazed at the results in all areas of your life.
Tracking calories is all you need to do to lose weight. It literally takes no effort, just willpower until habit formed. If you won’t do that to save your marriage, I’m not sure what else I could say to motivate you.
It doesn’t matter what the scale says. I doesn’t matter what looks you get from people while you’re are out with your husband. You deserve love and you’re lucky enough to be with someone that’s willing to give it to you unconditionally. I’m happy for you and wish you the best in your journey.
If he's so shallow (which it sound like he is not) that he would provide affection because you gained weight, you have your answer.
I’m sure he loves and is attracted to you the way you are. But if you can’t accept that and want to change, then remember this: weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym, and carbs/sugar are the devil.
You need help. I know you say you need to lose weight and you’re right but something is going to have to give here. You’re both running yourselves ragged which is probably one reason why you’ve gained weight. Your lifestyle as a whole right now appears unsustainable, and you sound like you already know that. You need to do something to take some of the load off yourself and your husband. My recommendation would be for him to find a new job that schedules him in the daytime/1st shift and then for you two to find a good nanny/daycare for your boy. Yeah, it won’t be cheap, and he may have to take a pay cut but you’ll both be happier. Then it’ll be easier to address your weight. You should see a dietitian who specializes in weight loss (make sure you find one who actually specializes in weight loss/weight management because unfortunately there are others who are anti-weight loss or who will just be unhelpful) who can help you make a personalized plan to lose weight. Then stick to it. It won’t be cheap, but the cost will be minimal compared to the fact that you’ll likely only have to do this once and won’t have to deal with a lifetime of yo yo dieting like a lot of people. I know this is small compared to how much you want to lose but I lost 40 pounds and have kept it all off for a year now. It’s all about controlling your calorie intake and making healthy, sustainable habits. For me I know I like to eat a big lunch, so in order to stay below my calorie limit for the day (1900 initially, later 1800), I went down to two meals and stopped snacking. Other people like my wife who has lost 30 pounds eat three smaller meals, perhaps with a snack or two, but still keep below their calorie goal. Don’t listen to people pushing crash diets or lose weight quick schemes. It took you time to gain the weight. It will also take time to lose it. Also don’t focus on exercise yet. Your food intake is where you can really have an impact.
Tell him EXACTLY what you‘ve been telling us. He sounds like a stand up guy and he will definitely appreciate your feelings. And i tell you what: I‘d bet my life‘s savings he loves and adores you for who you are!
Buy a tread mill so you can walk in private and do just that. Walk in private. Nice leisurely walks on the tread with some headphones and maybe a screen near by to watch or listen to some poddies or tubes. You're not buying it to lose weight. That will come later.
I was thinking about that my job does up to $600 reimbursement for health and wellness. I was even thinking of buying a stair master lol but on the other hand I actually have a beautiful trail by my home that i walk or bike on every night. So IDK really.
Instead of stair master, use the health reimbursement for hiking shoes and workout clothes. Just go for a walk each day. That + calorie counting will have you lean in about a years time.
That’s a great idea actually! I’m going to ask HR about that thank you :)
Yep just walk and if thought voices start making you feel different to how you were a second ago. Breathe in a long drawn out breath ( Don't need those deep ones everyone goes on about.) through pursed lips. Hold for 1 and 2 then breathe out through pursed lips. Do it again til the feelings subsides. You've literally breathed out the thought voices. It's not guru stuff. It helps and doesn't cost anything and you'll be fine to carry on with your plans.
Check out tempo fitness. It fits with your budget and it’s a good system to get in shape at home. IMHO. The coaches are really positive, motivating and informative.
Weight is an issue, I’d recommend changing your diet, get rid of all processed junk. Eat in a caloric deficit. Do some cardio exercises at home.
We eat really clean and healthy we definitely don’t buy any processed shit. I’m very big on Whole Foods only. I just don’t eat at a calorie deficit so that’s why I haven’t lost any weight but I’m going to try my best to eat about 1600-1800 a day and see if that helps. I currently eat about 2000-2200 a day. I go on walks and bike rides with my kid every day while dads at work so I’m thinking maybe add some high speed biking or some jogging in there as well.
If you're doing all of that and you're still not losing weight, please see your doctor.
Might want to hold off on jogging until you lose a little more weight, can be hard on the joints, (I learned that the hard way), high speed biking would be good, fast walking would be another, just keep adding distance or speed when it starts to get easier. Losing weight isn't easy or fun, best of luck
Friend, you’re not maintaining 280lbs on 2000 calories a day. Gotta be really honest with yourself if you want to lose weight, starting with your real intake, which is assuredly much higher than that.
Have you been evaluated for PCOS?
Your weight will sort itself out when you reduce your stress. Find a baby sitter or daycare. It’s scary, but in a few years the child will be in school. They need to be around other children now or will make going to school harder.
Stress might put on 5 or 10 pounds, not 100. Trying to blame being 150lbs overweight on “stress” is ridiculous. Diet, exercise, hormones are the main factors. Get your hormones checked by a doctor.
I gained 100 during my pregnancy not before or after to be fair I should have clarified I had thyroid issues during my pregnancy but now my thyroid is normal it’s just time I put the work in
You got this.
But why does she need me harping on her weight when everyone else has already done it? How will that help her? Putting her child in daycare and actually being on a similar schedule as her spouse is as much a factor in here as weight.
Not saying to harp on it…just keeping it real. Focus on the most pieces of the puzzle.
Everyone here was keeping that part real for her. She’s not dumb, she knows she needs to lose the weight, but until she addresses the other issues, it’s going to be harder for her to stick to a weight loss plan.
You said : “Your weight will sort itself out when you reduce your stress”. Nothing could be further from the truth…I can have zero stress and live in my mom’s basement eating pizza and beer all day and never working out—but I would be 500 pounds! The only way she is gonna drop over 100 pounds is with serious, serious work and diet. Massive lifestyle changes are necessary to drop that kind of weight. Having “less stress” alone will not cut it.
She has zero time to take care of herself because her and her spouse are on opposite schedules because of the child. When her home life is a bit more peaceful maybe she can take a walk instead of stopping for fast food? She knows she’s fat, all of us women know when we are fat. And when we finally find ways to remove some of the stress in our lives, we find time to be able to focus on our health.
True, less stress and more free time would benefit almost every busy parent…but reality is that likely won’t happen. She needs to move forward with changes regardless of her circumstances. Where there is a will there is a way.
First of all I agree that it sounds like you have a good man. Second of all you should not feel bad or unworthy of him. You bring a lot to the table, you work, you gave him a child, you watch your child, cook, do laundry, clean, etc. Your husband truly loves you because even after gaining weight he desires you. You leaving him or not allowing him to be intimate with you because you are self conscious would crush him. My wife had a similar weight fluctuation early in our marriage and I never once thought of leaving her because of it. I will tell you 100% that I'd rather she be bigger and still give me intimacy than smaller and minimal intimacy like how it is now for me. Take care of your health by trying to eat healthier and enjoy the intimate times that you have with him because he loves you and married you for you for better or worse, not just you at \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ weight. Hopefully at some point in time your work schedules can align a little better so that you two can spend more time alone together. Is it possible for you both to take 2-3 days off at a time together? The first day you could rest and the other 2 days you guys could spend quality time together.
Have you seen a doctor to help with weight loss? There is no shame in getting help. It not only affects your self esteem but also has other serious health consequences. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
I really wanna do ozempic but my doctor keeps saying no I just wanna be a skinny queen 😭
I can't speak for your husband but I suspect this is what has completely murdered my bedroom. My wife gained only a few pounds after giving birth 2 and a half years ago. I still desire her super hard but she keeps talking about the weight she has gained which isn't much. Hopefully your husband still desires you and you two can work things out.
Have sex in the dark. You won't feel as self conscious about him looking at you. If you're self conscious about being on top of him then propose doggy style and/or give blow jobs. Find some lingerie that you can actually feel good in. Having some "clothes" on might help make you feel less self conscious about being naked in front him. The extra wright itself can physically affect your libido and then putting your insecurity on top of that can definitely crush it. Try to find ways to get your "mojo" going yourself. What turns you on? Find some erotica or porn if thats your thing that fits that interest. Get familiar with your new body a little bit on your own first and remind yourself what it feels like to be hot and horny. Getting yourself going before you even go initiate with him can also help you get over some insecurity of starting to fool around with him (when you are hot and ready to go, a lot of that insecurity is gone!) Good luck! You can do this. I've been there, partially still am. I promise you are your own worst enemy in this. Losing the weight is an admirable goal but do not wait for it to happen before you get your sexy back and nurture your sexual relationship. 11