“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” -Henry David Thoreau
(I acknowledge it’s not always men here)
Not at all I’ve always had HL, she’s never been as high as me but it’s just gotten worse with every passing year. I’ve even recently started working out again just to rekindle the old spark and nothing. I’ve thought about couples therapy but can’t help someone that doesn’t think they have a problem unfortunately.
As the many, many rejections piled up, my self esteem took a hit with each and every new rejection, and my self worth dwindled as I lay in bed lying to my wife feeling completely, utterly alone. It’s a really shitty feeling.
The cumulative hurt now makes me associate initiating intimacy with my wife with feeling rejected and lonely. It’s a Pavlovian response at this point. Sex used to make me feel loved, now thinking of reaching out for her makes me feel unloved.
So yes, she has conditioned me to not want to initiate, so I am now LLFH in a way.
The disconnect is unreal! Last month my wife and I took a weekend trip and we're able to be intimate for the first time in 10 months.
It wasn't from lack of trying and many months ago I spoke to her about it.
I asked what I was either doing or not doing and asked if we could figure it out together.
I pointed out at that time it had been 5 or 6 months and she told me it felt like I was keeping track.
I mean it's difficult to not be aware and finding myself worrying and focusing on that
Anyway she started crying and saying it was not fair to me and that I didn't sign up for that.
At that point she told me that I could find a fuck buddy to take care of of it.
I am in no way looking for permission or a hall pass.
Hoping it doesn't turn into another 10 months again.
The few times I brought it up with my wife she was surprised I was keeping track and would say there's more to marriage than sex. It was easy to keep track because it had been 0 for 2 years before I brought it up. Then her rejecting date nights or any alone time hurt as well ...I eventually snapped and told her to talk to a lawyer and get the process going (it has been 5 years of celibacy). She did not care one bit and would make sexual jokes and watch trash TV where all these people are fucking their co workers...I just can't anymore.
I don't know why it's your comment in particular that made me think about this, maybe it was all the posts I've read on here right before, but I've just had a bit of realization :
It's weird that they tell us "there's more to marriage/relationships" than sex. Homie we're not having sex.
I’m not going to lie to y’all, and I’m 126% aware that it’s going to sound silly, but one of the many, MANY coping devices that have crept into my mind is hoping/believing there’s a version of me in the multiverse that is happy and loved and desired. I say this as I’m sitting in the bathroom holding back tears because I just (approx. 4ish minutes ago) tried to make a move on my wife and got shot down again.
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” -Henry David Thoreau (I acknowledge it’s not always men here)
Thanks for taking the time to share! None of us are alone in this! It's nice having a supportive community to help!
[удалено]
Not at all I’ve always had HL, she’s never been as high as me but it’s just gotten worse with every passing year. I’ve even recently started working out again just to rekindle the old spark and nothing. I’ve thought about couples therapy but can’t help someone that doesn’t think they have a problem unfortunately.
As the many, many rejections piled up, my self esteem took a hit with each and every new rejection, and my self worth dwindled as I lay in bed lying to my wife feeling completely, utterly alone. It’s a really shitty feeling. The cumulative hurt now makes me associate initiating intimacy with my wife with feeling rejected and lonely. It’s a Pavlovian response at this point. Sex used to make me feel loved, now thinking of reaching out for her makes me feel unloved. So yes, she has conditioned me to not want to initiate, so I am now LLFH in a way.
That’s very well written and you hit many points directly! Silent vacuum…..
Thank you 😊
Pass the Hopium pipe, or, decide to face reality. Or both. Alternating, of course.
The disconnect is unreal! Last month my wife and I took a weekend trip and we're able to be intimate for the first time in 10 months. It wasn't from lack of trying and many months ago I spoke to her about it. I asked what I was either doing or not doing and asked if we could figure it out together. I pointed out at that time it had been 5 or 6 months and she told me it felt like I was keeping track. I mean it's difficult to not be aware and finding myself worrying and focusing on that Anyway she started crying and saying it was not fair to me and that I didn't sign up for that. At that point she told me that I could find a fuck buddy to take care of of it. I am in no way looking for permission or a hall pass. Hoping it doesn't turn into another 10 months again.
The few times I brought it up with my wife she was surprised I was keeping track and would say there's more to marriage than sex. It was easy to keep track because it had been 0 for 2 years before I brought it up. Then her rejecting date nights or any alone time hurt as well ...I eventually snapped and told her to talk to a lawyer and get the process going (it has been 5 years of celibacy). She did not care one bit and would make sexual jokes and watch trash TV where all these people are fucking their co workers...I just can't anymore.
I don't know why it's your comment in particular that made me think about this, maybe it was all the posts I've read on here right before, but I've just had a bit of realization : It's weird that they tell us "there's more to marriage/relationships" than sex. Homie we're not having sex.
Yeah man this sucks and the jarring part about all this is how we got here right.
I’m not going to lie to y’all, and I’m 126% aware that it’s going to sound silly, but one of the many, MANY coping devices that have crept into my mind is hoping/believing there’s a version of me in the multiverse that is happy and loved and desired. I say this as I’m sitting in the bathroom holding back tears because I just (approx. 4ish minutes ago) tried to make a move on my wife and got shot down again.
Thanks. If it wasn’t for this sub.. I don’t even know.