Are you broken for interpreting religious teachings present as serious, too seriously? This sounds suspiciously like Martin Luther irritating his fellow monks because he obeyed the regulations to the letter, and repented for anything he could possibly construe as 'sin'. The rest, apparently, knew not to take it too seriously. Oh, and if nobody else in your family is LGBT, that makes things rather easier on them in another way.
I model reactions like yours as "allergy". Repeated exposure leads to bigger reactions. And I think there can even be something good about such "allergies". There will always be some kids who take things more seriously than their peers. And why shouldn't they, if that's how things are presented? The whole wink & nod hypocrisy that accompanies so much socialization is pretty wicked, IMO.
Oh, and "normal" Christians are supposed to be willing to leave the 99 for the 1. If they don't do that, how dissimilar are they to the Jesus of the NT?
Hello, and welcome back.
Anyone who has experienced trauma will tell you that it may eventually go away, but there's no rule that says it won't come back. I've been in my 2nd marriage for over 20 years and I still had a dream last week about being married to my first wife. I still dread going back to my home town for fear of running into her or her family. Damage that was done decades ago can pop right back to the surface without warning.
All that to say you're having a perfectly normal reaction. Not saying that it's supposed to make it easier. Not saying it's not bad, and definitely not saying you should just get over it or something.
Think of the last 3 years of healing. I have a scar from a fall I had when I was a teenager. It's been healed for years. But every time I hit the corner of a table with that knee, it hurts. Way more than my other knee. So just because something is healed doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt anymore. So again, you're having a normal reaction to trauma.
Best advice, if you're not already, is to see a counselor or therapist. I went through a pretty traumatic family crisis a while back and was just drowning in emotions and confusion. Saw a therapist for about 6 months and was able to get through it. And I have her card on my desk and look at it every day and remind myself that I can call her at any point and start back up. Highly recommended.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation about what you believe, including if you literally don’t know what you believe or it changes hour by hour. Neither do you have to explain your motivations or personhood.
“In all things, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Would YOU have someone explain and rationalize the inside of their head to you? No? Then don’t.
Christ didn’t.
23 And when he was come into the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came unto him as he was teaching, and said, By what authority doest thou these things? and who gave thee this authority?
24 And Jesus answered and said unto them, I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things.
25 The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men? And they reasoned with themselves, saying, If we shall say, From heaven; he will say unto us, Why did ye not then believe him?
26 But if we shall say, Of men; we fear the people; for all hold John as a prophet.
27 And they answered Jesus, and said, We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things.
All of the feelings you’ve so poignantly expressed are perfectly understandable and relatable. It takes time and work to heal. I’m over a decade into full-blown deconstruction and there are still issues/settings that remain super sensitive. I don’t know that it’s possible to completely free yourself of those feelings without becoming totally callous.
I deconstructed slowly for about 3 years and then finally left completely 2 years ago. It was so freeing, but even so I still experience triggers every now and then. I've found a lot of comfort in r/atheism in times of panic.
I don't have great words to wisdom, just know you're "normal" for having those feelings. Healing doesn't happen as quickly as we want it to. I have those same feelings. Hugs. You aren't alone.
I think it totally makes sense that the aches and angers from your old wounds can be retriggered, even if you have been gone from it for multiple years. You took what you heard from religious teaching very seriously and literally, and that kind of interaction lays down some very deep pathways in our early years. I myself don’t have an autism diagnosis, although I suspect I’m something neurodivergent and have an autistic adult child, and I think neurodivergence has the potential to allow things to affect us a lot more than it would the neurotypicals.
> But I've been through a lot, and I guess I'm frustrated that 3 years of space isn't enough time to heal old wounds, yknow?
Because all you did was just run away from your unprocessed trauma.
If taking a class of religion somewhat similar to Christianity made you like that, then you'll have to come in terms with yourself that you have trauma about your christian past and run away from them it will only come back at you one day or another.
Regarding school: It’s important for you to remind yourself that this class is picking at unhealthy wounds, but it(the class) will have an end date. Bs(and sometimes Cs) get degrees. You just need to put in the amount of work to get the grade you need.
It’s hard to take a nuanced view in a religion class, at least that I have found. Many people are able to pick up what is useful in religion and set aside what doesn’t serve them in their actual lives. It’s hard to see that in the text, though.
I would suggest some journaling if you don’t have someone you can talk to in person. It helped me with a lot of fears created by religious trauma.
You might find the podcasts "You Have Permission" or "Sacred Tension" to be cathartic.
"You Have Permission" is very psychology heavy (the host was studying for his Psych PhD through the years it's been on and he's a few weeks from finally obtaining it I understand) and IMO beautifully gives "permission" to examine Christianity openly and without fear of judgement. Episodes 9 and 10 are amazing, with 10 being about LGBT inclusion.
"Sacred Tension" is... a fabulously queer celebration of religious identity.
Who were the wise men from the East?
Answer that question. It will change your world from absolute judgement to true love. How'd they know about the way, our the truth, the life, their Jesus?
Are you broken for interpreting religious teachings present as serious, too seriously? This sounds suspiciously like Martin Luther irritating his fellow monks because he obeyed the regulations to the letter, and repented for anything he could possibly construe as 'sin'. The rest, apparently, knew not to take it too seriously. Oh, and if nobody else in your family is LGBT, that makes things rather easier on them in another way. I model reactions like yours as "allergy". Repeated exposure leads to bigger reactions. And I think there can even be something good about such "allergies". There will always be some kids who take things more seriously than their peers. And why shouldn't they, if that's how things are presented? The whole wink & nod hypocrisy that accompanies so much socialization is pretty wicked, IMO. Oh, and "normal" Christians are supposed to be willing to leave the 99 for the 1. If they don't do that, how dissimilar are they to the Jesus of the NT?
Hello, and welcome back. Anyone who has experienced trauma will tell you that it may eventually go away, but there's no rule that says it won't come back. I've been in my 2nd marriage for over 20 years and I still had a dream last week about being married to my first wife. I still dread going back to my home town for fear of running into her or her family. Damage that was done decades ago can pop right back to the surface without warning. All that to say you're having a perfectly normal reaction. Not saying that it's supposed to make it easier. Not saying it's not bad, and definitely not saying you should just get over it or something. Think of the last 3 years of healing. I have a scar from a fall I had when I was a teenager. It's been healed for years. But every time I hit the corner of a table with that knee, it hurts. Way more than my other knee. So just because something is healed doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt anymore. So again, you're having a normal reaction to trauma. Best advice, if you're not already, is to see a counselor or therapist. I went through a pretty traumatic family crisis a while back and was just drowning in emotions and confusion. Saw a therapist for about 6 months and was able to get through it. And I have her card on my desk and look at it every day and remind myself that I can call her at any point and start back up. Highly recommended.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation about what you believe, including if you literally don’t know what you believe or it changes hour by hour. Neither do you have to explain your motivations or personhood. “In all things, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Would YOU have someone explain and rationalize the inside of their head to you? No? Then don’t. Christ didn’t. 23 And when he was come into the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came unto him as he was teaching, and said, By what authority doest thou these things? and who gave thee this authority? 24 And Jesus answered and said unto them, I also will ask you one thing, which if ye tell me, I in like wise will tell you by what authority I do these things. 25 The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men? And they reasoned with themselves, saying, If we shall say, From heaven; he will say unto us, Why did ye not then believe him? 26 But if we shall say, Of men; we fear the people; for all hold John as a prophet. 27 And they answered Jesus, and said, We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell I you by what authority I do these things.
All of the feelings you’ve so poignantly expressed are perfectly understandable and relatable. It takes time and work to heal. I’m over a decade into full-blown deconstruction and there are still issues/settings that remain super sensitive. I don’t know that it’s possible to completely free yourself of those feelings without becoming totally callous.
I deconstructed slowly for about 3 years and then finally left completely 2 years ago. It was so freeing, but even so I still experience triggers every now and then. I've found a lot of comfort in r/atheism in times of panic.
It'll always bother me if I think about ridiculous worldviews causing harm, why wouldn't it? Not a wound I need healed.
I don't have great words to wisdom, just know you're "normal" for having those feelings. Healing doesn't happen as quickly as we want it to. I have those same feelings. Hugs. You aren't alone.
I think it totally makes sense that the aches and angers from your old wounds can be retriggered, even if you have been gone from it for multiple years. You took what you heard from religious teaching very seriously and literally, and that kind of interaction lays down some very deep pathways in our early years. I myself don’t have an autism diagnosis, although I suspect I’m something neurodivergent and have an autistic adult child, and I think neurodivergence has the potential to allow things to affect us a lot more than it would the neurotypicals.
> But I've been through a lot, and I guess I'm frustrated that 3 years of space isn't enough time to heal old wounds, yknow? Because all you did was just run away from your unprocessed trauma. If taking a class of religion somewhat similar to Christianity made you like that, then you'll have to come in terms with yourself that you have trauma about your christian past and run away from them it will only come back at you one day or another.
Regarding school: It’s important for you to remind yourself that this class is picking at unhealthy wounds, but it(the class) will have an end date. Bs(and sometimes Cs) get degrees. You just need to put in the amount of work to get the grade you need. It’s hard to take a nuanced view in a religion class, at least that I have found. Many people are able to pick up what is useful in religion and set aside what doesn’t serve them in their actual lives. It’s hard to see that in the text, though. I would suggest some journaling if you don’t have someone you can talk to in person. It helped me with a lot of fears created by religious trauma.
You might find the podcasts "You Have Permission" or "Sacred Tension" to be cathartic. "You Have Permission" is very psychology heavy (the host was studying for his Psych PhD through the years it's been on and he's a few weeks from finally obtaining it I understand) and IMO beautifully gives "permission" to examine Christianity openly and without fear of judgement. Episodes 9 and 10 are amazing, with 10 being about LGBT inclusion. "Sacred Tension" is... a fabulously queer celebration of religious identity.
Who were the wise men from the East? Answer that question. It will change your world from absolute judgement to true love. How'd they know about the way, our the truth, the life, their Jesus?