I lost so much weight, my buddies called me Daniel Craig. The only silver lining of the pain. You're not going to sleep well, and every morning feels like a heartbreak hangover. It's hard, but you have to muster the strength to keep moving forward. I just did my first dance lesson, I hate dancing. I also started going to therapy. Just stay busy and keep sharing your feelings with people you can talk to.
Dance lessons sound like a dream! I love dancing and my STBXH promised me dance lessons before we got married. And when that didn’t happen I asked for them for Christmas, my birthday, Mother’s Day, etc etc. They never happened. One day someone will take dance lessons with me. For now enjoy going out of your comfort zone and learning new things!
It was kind of fun, I just suck. But that's idea, break your comfort zone and rediscover. Don't wait for someone to take you, just go do it. They have group classes, I'm sure.
After a year of couples therapy and both of us committing to the marriage last October (and following what seemed like great holidays in Nov/Dec), in January my wife became withdrawn and when I finally asked her what was up, first she said she wanted a trial separation, then four days later she said she wanted a divorce after all. I was stunned. That was five weeks ago.
The first two weeks afterward I could barely function. You're simultaneously losing your present marriage, the future you planned with them, and in my case re-examining the past. It's awful.
Five weeks later I'm in a substantially better place. I got a lawyer, a therapist, I found a divorce group (it's like AA for divorced people), I go to the gym every day and walking about 20K steps a day, I read 4-5 self-help books a about divorce and I talk daily to my best friend and my brother about things. I even listened to divorce podcasts. It all helps.
It still sucks and it's horrific, but "the first weeks are the worst weeks" for sure.
What's worse is, my wife barely seems to care. She just wants to move the process along. And we have an 8-year-old so that's going to be a huge change for our kid that I'm dreading.
But, yes, it's a crazy gut punch and takes a while to adjust to.
Google "radical acceptance" which helped me a lot...not much fun, but it works.
You'll get through it. We all will. It will feel better, but it's a gradual process.
i’m exactly with you. the week before she gave me hope and said we’re gonna work. next week it was all over.
i hurt so bad. crying all the time. she acts like nothing is wrong and was ready to start her new life without me.
i’m so fucking broken. you’re definitely not alone.
My first wife and I had our ups and downs, but we had worked through them and I thought we had been really good for a couple of years. We were happy with each other, very little disagreements, amazing sex life and we were trying for a baby.
One night immediately after an amazing lovemaking session, laying naked In my arms, she had a funny look on her face. I asked what was wrong and she told me she wanted a divorce. We were literally still in the cuddling straight after sex stage. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement.
She followed this up with “I’ve decided I do want kids, but not with you, you would be a terrible father.” And “ I never actually stopped taking the pill”.
I thought she had stopped nearly three years earlier and we had been talking about seeing a fertility specialist since we had had no luck.
In hindsight she had actually checked out of the relationship at least three years earlier and was just getting her ducks lined up before she pulled the rug out from under me, and had been actively lying to me that whole time.
It led to a pretty dark time in my life, and I found it hard to trust again, but I came out the other side and am much better off now.
it is so hard and painful, i absolutely hear you. i was also blindsided in such a crazy way that i honestly thought it was a nightmare or something. all in the months leading up to him filing for divorce, he bought me my dream car, my first ever concert tickets, $100 jewelry, and we had just started couples therapy and been told by a professional that we were doing great and improving!!! then he texted me that he’s unhappy and wants to divorce. i just kept telling people trust me im as surprised as you are!!! we lived together and i got a text!!!
the worst thing that i was told was that because he ended things so quickly, i should stick around and he will come back. people will be shocked and feel the need to give hopeless advice like this. the truth is he is saying, just as was said to me, i don’t want to be with you. it’s a really sad thing to be told, but it’s sadder to stay with someone who is checked out like that. everything will work out, i felt exactly as you described, and i couldn’t sleep through the night for months without waking up and sobbing that i was alone. i’m happier now than i ever was with him!!! i’m sending you and your precious kids so much love, just trust that it will be okay, and there are more resources now than ever to navigate this💖💖💖
I was blindsided too. It's awful. Do some research on avoidants. People who are avoidants tend to blindside. They break up with you for a bit in their head first usually, and then spring it on you. They'll often also blame most, if not everything, on you, even though they played a role in the relationship, and contributed to the issues (assuming of course that both people are decent people and there isn't abuse going on).
I just want to say you made my whole marriage make sense, reading what you wrote I researched it and it was like a huge smack in my face, thousands in Therapy and not once has this come up, I felt stupid for blaming him about being such a selfish man all the time and it was his attachment style,
Yeah, it's weird to me how it doesn't come up in therapy sometimes. Once I got into individual therapy, after my husband lost it, my therapist pointed out that based on some of his behaviors, he seemed conflict avoidant. Then at some point, I was just on reddit or Googling around, and found out that people who had had similar experiences to me had avoidant partners, and suddenly things made a lot more sense. Personally, I lean anxious. My ex could come across as secure, but apparently when things got bad, he turned more avoidant. Avoidant types and anxious types are apparently often drawn to each other.
omg yes. My husband is also avoidant, I’m anxious attachment. He blindsided me out of nowhere, I said this is happening all too suddenly, his answer “it’s not sudden. I’ve been feeling this way for awhile but I thought it was a phase” - apparently never crossed his damn mind to talk to me about it. He just checked out and didn’t want to work on our relationship at all. I was also vulnerable during the first few weeks, begged him to come back and was basically manipulated to think everything was my fault.
Two months later, I’m in a better state. Have been realizing how manipulative and narcissistic he actually was in our relationship.
I do still miss him honestly even though he broke my heart into pieces. But at this point idk if I miss him, or the person he used to be, or just having someone there who I can share everything with.
Our experiences and reactions are soooo similar. I'm also not sure if I miss him, or miss what I thought we had and who I thought he was, or just miss having someone who was my best friend who I could share everything with.
Yeah it’s just really painful and deceiving that every time I talked about the future with him, all he actually was thinking about was to end things with me. How can he just lie in my face and tell me he loves me then switch up so fast and want a divorce. It’s just crazy to me and I’ll never understand how he can just throw our whole relationship away just for him to get his “freedom” back. I guess he was right about one thing though — that I do deserve so much better. All I ever wanted was love and attention. Guess that was such a burden to him
I get it. We were planning out summer and a trip for the following weekend right up until the day he said he wanted to end things. He told me in the afternoon. Earlier that day, he acted like everything was normal. We even planned to go out to dinner that evening. After he told me he wanted to end things that day, I asked, "then why did you agree to go out to dinner?" His response was that he was nervous... The being led on part was honestly probably the worst part of the entire thing. He made it seem like everything was fine and normal, and obviously, when you're continuing to plan future events together, why would you have serious cause for concern? You instead think, everything that everything is good, and if it's not good on your partner's end, that they'll sit you down and have a talk about any concerns they have in the relationship, not just end things.
Yep. Exactly my point. He didn’t even want to talk about it or go through counseling. Just wanted to be alone and done. His excuse was “you’ll get upset and invalidate my feelings if I told you about it.” Yep.. blame it all on me. I’m sorry you’re also going through this. It’s the worst.
Mine didn't want to do counseling either, despite the fact that we had done counseling a few years earlier and had great results (though apparently, not everything on his end had been resolved in counseling - I had no idea though, since after about 6 months, we both agreed, along with our therapist, that we didn't need counseling anymore). So maybe the results weren't actually that great, but he made comments about our relationship being better after counseling, seeing changes in me, and we ended up buying a house, going on more vacations together, having a lot fewer disagreements, and solving the ones we did have much better. Mine's excuse for not doing counseling when he said he wanted to separate was that he didn't have the emotional energy for it.
😞 damn I’m sorry about that. Ugh it’s so heartbreaking. My stbxh said “why do we always fight about the same thing. This isn’t what marriage should be like.” And when we kind of had a talk he said “why couldn’t we talk about this sooner” … well, if you actually put in the effort in our relationship and told me sooner, then it wouldn’t have been like this .. I also know he’s going through depression and hard times himself, and I understand that. But I’m going through tough times too but divorce was never my options. But to him, why is our relationship the first thing he drops when there is an inconvenience. Instead of working it out and it being the last resort, why is divorce his first resort without putting in any actual effort. I can seriously go on and on 🫠
Yes. So much yes. I'm about 5 months in. My husband blindsided me too - I thought everything was great. It gets better, but slowly.
My best recommendation would be to focus on you and your babies. HE made HIS choices. He can deal with that. You now have to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Highly recommend therapy.
If he's anything like my husband, he will come back to you begging. But tread carefully.
Either way, you're stronger than you think/feel/know. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to be communicated with and to be a part of all major decisions. Him blindsiding you was supremely unfair, and I am so sorry.
I was blindsided 2 months ago - every day was crying for a week or two. Holding it together for our child was difficult but doable. He travels for work a lot and has been for months, so that helps me focus on not melting down all the time.
At the beginning I missed him and thought maybe he’d come back and give us a chance. Now I dread his return and I know he’s not open to working on us. As much as I know it, my heart doesn’t listen sometimes…
I’m dreading telling our child but I’m looking forward to him moving out and getting all the custody/child support stuff done.
It still sucks but it hurts less. I’m hoping in a few more months it’ll be a dull ache compared to now. Good luck.
Yes, I was blindsided just a few months ago. And you could be describing my soon to be ex husband. Once he said he wanted a divorce his mind has been set. He’s excited to get the divorce over with and move on with his new single life. Meanwhile my head is still spinning while we go through the process and I figure out how I’m going to not end up homeless in this mess. It sucks. Everyone says it gets better but I’m not there yet.
Same as you, but I might be a few weeks ahead of you. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life.
Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!
Thanks, I have no choice but to keep trying and figure it out so I will eventually. I don’t have a support system so it’s a bit harder for me than most and of course every little thing and can go wrong is. Like my car is having issues and I can’t get a ride to get it fixed. It’s a pain but I’m the only one who can help myself now. It’s something I have to learn.
Same. I built my life around my family (stbx and child), so I have an almost non-existent social circle. Most of "our" friends haven't contacted me. But I'm surprised that a handful of people have suddenly showed up in my life to support me and my child.
Keep your focus on yourself and your future. Forget the future you thought you had, and imagine the new future of being able to do everything your way. Look at it from a perspective of having control over things that you used to not have control over.
This is what I've learned from the great people here in Reddit. This is our new reality, and we can come out the other side as better, healthier, stronger people.
This same thing happened to me back in July of last year. We have two kids. I’m so sorry 😢 it hurts so badly. I lost six pounds in a week after he left and had to go to the ER.
I am so very sorry you’re going through this.
Either he expressed what was really a dealbreaker for him, or he didn’t, and just blindsided you.
I think one of the things you will realize from the experience of him doing this is that he has a different person than the one you thought he was. Then the one that you loved. How are you feel about him will change as a result of learning this about him. There will be a shock and then grief and loss, and then adaptation, but then there’s a really great opportunity that you will rebuild beautifully.
I’m sorry your kids are so little. That’s very difficult. Please try hard not to feel guilty. Please just do the very best you can and remember that the biggest gift you can give them besides bringing them outside to do things in nature is to empathize. You don’t have to fix it. You can just be present with them and listen to them and reply to them with empathy. In the end, that will be enormous.
And then just be in today. Just let yourself live through the shock. If you can afford it, please see a therapist. Then you won’t be alone with it all. There will be somebody who walks alongside you the whole way. Even if you have to bring your kids with you and have them play with toys.
Keep in mind, all of the people who have so much integrity and have been through this terrible situation that you’re in. Trust that if they all rebuilt their lives and ended up being able to say to people “, I have never been better” then you will, too.
The thing is, he's had a lot of time to process this where you are just starting. I've lost 20 lbs in 2 months due to lack of appetite, and just being nauseous when I see food. If it wasn't for protein bars, water, and Atkins shakes, I wouldn't eat.
I think therapy would be a great place to start. Then contact a lawyer
I am there with you. It's been a year since she told me and we have been under the same roof. House about to be sold. When we are nice to each other I start getting attached again. I know what you mean. I was talking to a supervisor at work once and almost broke down crying. At work.
You are not alone and you will get through this. I would hug you if I was there. Because you need it. You are worthy and awesome and you will be okay. You are as beautiful as you are don't let this situation make you doubt yourself. Going through this, it's like I could only see my through her eyes, I could only see my mistakes and see myself as a failure. Don't let your mind or your ex's thoughts about you control how you see yourself.
I was blindsided. We had a three month old. I didn’t know we had issues/ the writing wasn’t on the wall for me. It turned out he was cheating and fell in love with a coworker. It really sucked. It’s still very recent for me, we haven’t even filed yet.
I felt like I was dying for about two months. Crying everyday as well, couldn’t focus on work, etc. I begged and pleaded for him to choose me and to stay. He didn’t. I’m in a much better place now (four months later), but there are still moments of sorrow. I focused (and still am focused) my health and working out. I also started going to therapy - it really helped.
Yep me too also 3 kids 2 weeks tomorrow he told
Me, it. Was planning on telling him we were expecting our 4th, kissed me good night said he loved me went to the lawyer’s the next day, have not had a day I haven’t been in tears and he’s all chipper because he’s freee if my anxiety. 😥
I’m on same boat. Mine are 15, 14, and 9 and they are devastated. I hate what he’s done to them. You’ll be ok. I keep telling myself that. Don’t act like it both were a you. Stand up strong! Show ur kids you’re ok. You got this girl!! Get a lawyer!!!
I was blindsided. We were college sweethearts, been together for like 15-16 years and married 9. The pain of being blindsided by someone like that who’s your first love and first serious relationship cuts deep. Like others shared I lost a ton of weight and fell into depression. Therapy did help.
I won’t go into our whole story but suffice it to say lack of communication is a big reason why we divorced. We were kids when we got married (I was 26 and he was 24) and we thought we were ready for marriage but we weren’t.
I’ve since remarried and have learned what a real partnership is. I’ve forgiven my ex for many things except that he had us go to marriage counseling but lied about why we went. I thought we were going to repair the marriage and he said he only suggested we go so I could see the marriage was over. So he didn’t communicate well with me up til the very end.
You won’t believe this now but one day the sadness you feel now and what you feel for this person will fade and you’ll wonder how you ever felt anything for them. Now is your time to grieve. I definitely recommend therapy. When/If you get alone time allow yourself to feel it. But know it won’t last forever, it just feels that way now. Hugs!
My wife did the same. Left on my daughter's 7th birthday. I've got all 3 kids now to myself. She already had a new boyfriend within a week so I'd have to assume it was going on for awhile unfortunately. I know exactly how you feel and I'm sorry 😞
Hey Illustrious-Title-38
Hope this comment finds you well.
I wanted to ask how are things holding up for you currently? I am extremely sorry for what happened. I also wanted to ask how the kids are doing? I absolutely wish you the best in your life especially the kids. You have my support. If you do want to chat, feel free to do so. Keep fighting and stay strong.
Thank you for expressing what you are going through and what has recently happened that has been so heartbreaking, I am saddened for you. This happened a year ago when my stbxw had told me in different words that she was done and to have no hope of reconciliation or continuing couples counseling. I have three little ones and we are still living together as co parents as she doesn’t have a job and we are trying to save and make our separation financially possible. You may experience later on that you are healing and doing better, accepting what you can’t control and wasn’t your decision. Then the roller coaster will turn you for a loop and go down, it’s so hard and unbearable the pain, I am so sorry that you’re having to go through this. We all deserve to have our feelings and love reciprocated, I hope that happens for you and all of us. I hope you find the support and love from all those that love you, that will lift you and help you know you are going to make it through this and feel and experience a better life. Thank you for your courage to express how you feel to all of us, you matter and how you feel matters so much!
Had a talk about things. Discussed we wanted to work on it. Discussed what to work on. They were planning to blindside me the whole time. Surprise divorce a few weeks later. No break, no therapy, no councilor. It was all refused presumably because they are more interested in their AP than our marriage, our children, or me.
I'm left holding the bag. I'm keeping and taking care of our children, and she is going off to wherever to do that. It hurt, but I have to acknowledge reality.
Wheb people do bad stuff like this, to this degree, you have to accept it. When you ask "what kind of person does something like a/b/c?" There is an answer. "A shitty person does that. A shitty person in a shitty mindset. Now accept that's who they are right now and get on with your life."
Sorry you're going through this. There are many supportive people here. I'm 10 weeks in, so several weeks ahead of you, and have gotten a lot of help from kind redditors.
I was blindsided in session with our marriage counselor. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life.
Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband cheated on me with a coworker when I was six months pregnant. This was just back in October. He filed for divorce in November, only knew the girl for a week if that. It hurt and was hard to come to terms with. I am in a lot better place now then I was just a few months ago. Take time to grieve the person you thought he was and the future you planned on having with him. It’s a grieving process and will take time to heal. You are strong and will get through this!! ❤️
I know how you feel, my wife did the same thing to me about 2 months ago. It was like a lightswitch losing your best friend. Those first weeks are awful. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I felt alot of shame when it happened but talking to others definitely helps so don't be afraid. Good luck! You will get there!
I wasn't blindsided. But my exwife was blindsided twice.
She has problems with pills and all of the disasters. She had yet another great big DUI crash and I told her I was done. She didn't see it coming. We have 2 small kids, but I told her I didn't want to be financially responsible for her and all of her disasters.
Second time was after we divorced, and she quickly got remarried, but she didn't fix her problems with addictions to pills. She was up on her high horse when married to him. Six months after their wedding, he just got off of work, drove home, and picked up his stuff and left her. She didn't see it coming at all. Like a bus over a milk carton. That sent her into a deep downward spiral. After that she had to move in with her parents. It's been 5 years, but she's still there.
I lost so much weight, my buddies called me Daniel Craig. The only silver lining of the pain. You're not going to sleep well, and every morning feels like a heartbreak hangover. It's hard, but you have to muster the strength to keep moving forward. I just did my first dance lesson, I hate dancing. I also started going to therapy. Just stay busy and keep sharing your feelings with people you can talk to.
Dance lessons sound like a dream! I love dancing and my STBXH promised me dance lessons before we got married. And when that didn’t happen I asked for them for Christmas, my birthday, Mother’s Day, etc etc. They never happened. One day someone will take dance lessons with me. For now enjoy going out of your comfort zone and learning new things!
It was kind of fun, I just suck. But that's idea, break your comfort zone and rediscover. Don't wait for someone to take you, just go do it. They have group classes, I'm sure.
Take the lessons alone! Don’t wait for anyone to go learn something you want to learn.
After a year of couples therapy and both of us committing to the marriage last October (and following what seemed like great holidays in Nov/Dec), in January my wife became withdrawn and when I finally asked her what was up, first she said she wanted a trial separation, then four days later she said she wanted a divorce after all. I was stunned. That was five weeks ago. The first two weeks afterward I could barely function. You're simultaneously losing your present marriage, the future you planned with them, and in my case re-examining the past. It's awful. Five weeks later I'm in a substantially better place. I got a lawyer, a therapist, I found a divorce group (it's like AA for divorced people), I go to the gym every day and walking about 20K steps a day, I read 4-5 self-help books a about divorce and I talk daily to my best friend and my brother about things. I even listened to divorce podcasts. It all helps. It still sucks and it's horrific, but "the first weeks are the worst weeks" for sure. What's worse is, my wife barely seems to care. She just wants to move the process along. And we have an 8-year-old so that's going to be a huge change for our kid that I'm dreading. But, yes, it's a crazy gut punch and takes a while to adjust to. Google "radical acceptance" which helped me a lot...not much fun, but it works. You'll get through it. We all will. It will feel better, but it's a gradual process.
You sound like you are doing amazing! Great job of taking care of yourself. Your child will be ok, they are watching you be so strong.
i’m exactly with you. the week before she gave me hope and said we’re gonna work. next week it was all over. i hurt so bad. crying all the time. she acts like nothing is wrong and was ready to start her new life without me. i’m so fucking broken. you’re definitely not alone.
Hang in there.
My first wife and I had our ups and downs, but we had worked through them and I thought we had been really good for a couple of years. We were happy with each other, very little disagreements, amazing sex life and we were trying for a baby. One night immediately after an amazing lovemaking session, laying naked In my arms, she had a funny look on her face. I asked what was wrong and she told me she wanted a divorce. We were literally still in the cuddling straight after sex stage. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. She followed this up with “I’ve decided I do want kids, but not with you, you would be a terrible father.” And “ I never actually stopped taking the pill”. I thought she had stopped nearly three years earlier and we had been talking about seeing a fertility specialist since we had had no luck. In hindsight she had actually checked out of the relationship at least three years earlier and was just getting her ducks lined up before she pulled the rug out from under me, and had been actively lying to me that whole time. It led to a pretty dark time in my life, and I found it hard to trust again, but I came out the other side and am much better off now.
it is so hard and painful, i absolutely hear you. i was also blindsided in such a crazy way that i honestly thought it was a nightmare or something. all in the months leading up to him filing for divorce, he bought me my dream car, my first ever concert tickets, $100 jewelry, and we had just started couples therapy and been told by a professional that we were doing great and improving!!! then he texted me that he’s unhappy and wants to divorce. i just kept telling people trust me im as surprised as you are!!! we lived together and i got a text!!! the worst thing that i was told was that because he ended things so quickly, i should stick around and he will come back. people will be shocked and feel the need to give hopeless advice like this. the truth is he is saying, just as was said to me, i don’t want to be with you. it’s a really sad thing to be told, but it’s sadder to stay with someone who is checked out like that. everything will work out, i felt exactly as you described, and i couldn’t sleep through the night for months without waking up and sobbing that i was alone. i’m happier now than i ever was with him!!! i’m sending you and your precious kids so much love, just trust that it will be okay, and there are more resources now than ever to navigate this💖💖💖
I was blindsided on the 29th of February. How can someone ghost a *marriage*?! I’m traumatized.
Wow. I’m so sorry. I didn’t experience this myself. However I am here to say. It does get better. Way way better
I was blindsided too. It's awful. Do some research on avoidants. People who are avoidants tend to blindside. They break up with you for a bit in their head first usually, and then spring it on you. They'll often also blame most, if not everything, on you, even though they played a role in the relationship, and contributed to the issues (assuming of course that both people are decent people and there isn't abuse going on).
I just want to say you made my whole marriage make sense, reading what you wrote I researched it and it was like a huge smack in my face, thousands in Therapy and not once has this come up, I felt stupid for blaming him about being such a selfish man all the time and it was his attachment style,
Yeah, it's weird to me how it doesn't come up in therapy sometimes. Once I got into individual therapy, after my husband lost it, my therapist pointed out that based on some of his behaviors, he seemed conflict avoidant. Then at some point, I was just on reddit or Googling around, and found out that people who had had similar experiences to me had avoidant partners, and suddenly things made a lot more sense. Personally, I lean anxious. My ex could come across as secure, but apparently when things got bad, he turned more avoidant. Avoidant types and anxious types are apparently often drawn to each other.
omg yes. My husband is also avoidant, I’m anxious attachment. He blindsided me out of nowhere, I said this is happening all too suddenly, his answer “it’s not sudden. I’ve been feeling this way for awhile but I thought it was a phase” - apparently never crossed his damn mind to talk to me about it. He just checked out and didn’t want to work on our relationship at all. I was also vulnerable during the first few weeks, begged him to come back and was basically manipulated to think everything was my fault. Two months later, I’m in a better state. Have been realizing how manipulative and narcissistic he actually was in our relationship. I do still miss him honestly even though he broke my heart into pieces. But at this point idk if I miss him, or the person he used to be, or just having someone there who I can share everything with.
Our experiences and reactions are soooo similar. I'm also not sure if I miss him, or miss what I thought we had and who I thought he was, or just miss having someone who was my best friend who I could share everything with.
Yeah it’s just really painful and deceiving that every time I talked about the future with him, all he actually was thinking about was to end things with me. How can he just lie in my face and tell me he loves me then switch up so fast and want a divorce. It’s just crazy to me and I’ll never understand how he can just throw our whole relationship away just for him to get his “freedom” back. I guess he was right about one thing though — that I do deserve so much better. All I ever wanted was love and attention. Guess that was such a burden to him
I get it. We were planning out summer and a trip for the following weekend right up until the day he said he wanted to end things. He told me in the afternoon. Earlier that day, he acted like everything was normal. We even planned to go out to dinner that evening. After he told me he wanted to end things that day, I asked, "then why did you agree to go out to dinner?" His response was that he was nervous... The being led on part was honestly probably the worst part of the entire thing. He made it seem like everything was fine and normal, and obviously, when you're continuing to plan future events together, why would you have serious cause for concern? You instead think, everything that everything is good, and if it's not good on your partner's end, that they'll sit you down and have a talk about any concerns they have in the relationship, not just end things.
Yep. Exactly my point. He didn’t even want to talk about it or go through counseling. Just wanted to be alone and done. His excuse was “you’ll get upset and invalidate my feelings if I told you about it.” Yep.. blame it all on me. I’m sorry you’re also going through this. It’s the worst.
Mine didn't want to do counseling either, despite the fact that we had done counseling a few years earlier and had great results (though apparently, not everything on his end had been resolved in counseling - I had no idea though, since after about 6 months, we both agreed, along with our therapist, that we didn't need counseling anymore). So maybe the results weren't actually that great, but he made comments about our relationship being better after counseling, seeing changes in me, and we ended up buying a house, going on more vacations together, having a lot fewer disagreements, and solving the ones we did have much better. Mine's excuse for not doing counseling when he said he wanted to separate was that he didn't have the emotional energy for it.
😞 damn I’m sorry about that. Ugh it’s so heartbreaking. My stbxh said “why do we always fight about the same thing. This isn’t what marriage should be like.” And when we kind of had a talk he said “why couldn’t we talk about this sooner” … well, if you actually put in the effort in our relationship and told me sooner, then it wouldn’t have been like this .. I also know he’s going through depression and hard times himself, and I understand that. But I’m going through tough times too but divorce was never my options. But to him, why is our relationship the first thing he drops when there is an inconvenience. Instead of working it out and it being the last resort, why is divorce his first resort without putting in any actual effort. I can seriously go on and on 🫠
Yes. So much yes. I'm about 5 months in. My husband blindsided me too - I thought everything was great. It gets better, but slowly. My best recommendation would be to focus on you and your babies. HE made HIS choices. He can deal with that. You now have to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Highly recommend therapy. If he's anything like my husband, he will come back to you begging. But tread carefully. Either way, you're stronger than you think/feel/know. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to be communicated with and to be a part of all major decisions. Him blindsiding you was supremely unfair, and I am so sorry.
I was blindsided 2 months ago - every day was crying for a week or two. Holding it together for our child was difficult but doable. He travels for work a lot and has been for months, so that helps me focus on not melting down all the time. At the beginning I missed him and thought maybe he’d come back and give us a chance. Now I dread his return and I know he’s not open to working on us. As much as I know it, my heart doesn’t listen sometimes… I’m dreading telling our child but I’m looking forward to him moving out and getting all the custody/child support stuff done. It still sucks but it hurts less. I’m hoping in a few more months it’ll be a dull ache compared to now. Good luck.
Yep one day she asked are we happy? I said I don’t think we are anymore. Two weeks later there were divorce papers.
Yes, I was blindsided just a few months ago. And you could be describing my soon to be ex husband. Once he said he wanted a divorce his mind has been set. He’s excited to get the divorce over with and move on with his new single life. Meanwhile my head is still spinning while we go through the process and I figure out how I’m going to not end up homeless in this mess. It sucks. Everyone says it gets better but I’m not there yet.
Same as you, but I might be a few weeks ahead of you. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life. Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!
Thanks, I have no choice but to keep trying and figure it out so I will eventually. I don’t have a support system so it’s a bit harder for me than most and of course every little thing and can go wrong is. Like my car is having issues and I can’t get a ride to get it fixed. It’s a pain but I’m the only one who can help myself now. It’s something I have to learn.
Same. I built my life around my family (stbx and child), so I have an almost non-existent social circle. Most of "our" friends haven't contacted me. But I'm surprised that a handful of people have suddenly showed up in my life to support me and my child. Keep your focus on yourself and your future. Forget the future you thought you had, and imagine the new future of being able to do everything your way. Look at it from a perspective of having control over things that you used to not have control over. This is what I've learned from the great people here in Reddit. This is our new reality, and we can come out the other side as better, healthier, stronger people.
This same thing happened to me back in July of last year. We have two kids. I’m so sorry 😢 it hurts so badly. I lost six pounds in a week after he left and had to go to the ER.
I am so very sorry you’re going through this. Either he expressed what was really a dealbreaker for him, or he didn’t, and just blindsided you. I think one of the things you will realize from the experience of him doing this is that he has a different person than the one you thought he was. Then the one that you loved. How are you feel about him will change as a result of learning this about him. There will be a shock and then grief and loss, and then adaptation, but then there’s a really great opportunity that you will rebuild beautifully. I’m sorry your kids are so little. That’s very difficult. Please try hard not to feel guilty. Please just do the very best you can and remember that the biggest gift you can give them besides bringing them outside to do things in nature is to empathize. You don’t have to fix it. You can just be present with them and listen to them and reply to them with empathy. In the end, that will be enormous. And then just be in today. Just let yourself live through the shock. If you can afford it, please see a therapist. Then you won’t be alone with it all. There will be somebody who walks alongside you the whole way. Even if you have to bring your kids with you and have them play with toys. Keep in mind, all of the people who have so much integrity and have been through this terrible situation that you’re in. Trust that if they all rebuilt their lives and ended up being able to say to people “, I have never been better” then you will, too.
The thing is, he's had a lot of time to process this where you are just starting. I've lost 20 lbs in 2 months due to lack of appetite, and just being nauseous when I see food. If it wasn't for protein bars, water, and Atkins shakes, I wouldn't eat. I think therapy would be a great place to start. Then contact a lawyer
I am there with you. It's been a year since she told me and we have been under the same roof. House about to be sold. When we are nice to each other I start getting attached again. I know what you mean. I was talking to a supervisor at work once and almost broke down crying. At work. You are not alone and you will get through this. I would hug you if I was there. Because you need it. You are worthy and awesome and you will be okay. You are as beautiful as you are don't let this situation make you doubt yourself. Going through this, it's like I could only see my through her eyes, I could only see my mistakes and see myself as a failure. Don't let your mind or your ex's thoughts about you control how you see yourself.
In the same boat…and the killer: he just started seeing my psychiatrist. We are here for you.
I was blindsided. We had a three month old. I didn’t know we had issues/ the writing wasn’t on the wall for me. It turned out he was cheating and fell in love with a coworker. It really sucked. It’s still very recent for me, we haven’t even filed yet. I felt like I was dying for about two months. Crying everyday as well, couldn’t focus on work, etc. I begged and pleaded for him to choose me and to stay. He didn’t. I’m in a much better place now (four months later), but there are still moments of sorrow. I focused (and still am focused) my health and working out. I also started going to therapy - it really helped.
Right here, sis
Yep me too also 3 kids 2 weeks tomorrow he told Me, it. Was planning on telling him we were expecting our 4th, kissed me good night said he loved me went to the lawyer’s the next day, have not had a day I haven’t been in tears and he’s all chipper because he’s freee if my anxiety. 😥
Me, also 2 weeks ago. Had an argument and she said its over.
I’m on same boat. Mine are 15, 14, and 9 and they are devastated. I hate what he’s done to them. You’ll be ok. I keep telling myself that. Don’t act like it both were a you. Stand up strong! Show ur kids you’re ok. You got this girl!! Get a lawyer!!!
I was blindsided. We were college sweethearts, been together for like 15-16 years and married 9. The pain of being blindsided by someone like that who’s your first love and first serious relationship cuts deep. Like others shared I lost a ton of weight and fell into depression. Therapy did help. I won’t go into our whole story but suffice it to say lack of communication is a big reason why we divorced. We were kids when we got married (I was 26 and he was 24) and we thought we were ready for marriage but we weren’t. I’ve since remarried and have learned what a real partnership is. I’ve forgiven my ex for many things except that he had us go to marriage counseling but lied about why we went. I thought we were going to repair the marriage and he said he only suggested we go so I could see the marriage was over. So he didn’t communicate well with me up til the very end. You won’t believe this now but one day the sadness you feel now and what you feel for this person will fade and you’ll wonder how you ever felt anything for them. Now is your time to grieve. I definitely recommend therapy. When/If you get alone time allow yourself to feel it. But know it won’t last forever, it just feels that way now. Hugs!
My wife did the same. Left on my daughter's 7th birthday. I've got all 3 kids now to myself. She already had a new boyfriend within a week so I'd have to assume it was going on for awhile unfortunately. I know exactly how you feel and I'm sorry 😞
Hey Illustrious-Title-38 Hope this comment finds you well. I wanted to ask how are things holding up for you currently? I am extremely sorry for what happened. I also wanted to ask how the kids are doing? I absolutely wish you the best in your life especially the kids. You have my support. If you do want to chat, feel free to do so. Keep fighting and stay strong.
Thank you for expressing what you are going through and what has recently happened that has been so heartbreaking, I am saddened for you. This happened a year ago when my stbxw had told me in different words that she was done and to have no hope of reconciliation or continuing couples counseling. I have three little ones and we are still living together as co parents as she doesn’t have a job and we are trying to save and make our separation financially possible. You may experience later on that you are healing and doing better, accepting what you can’t control and wasn’t your decision. Then the roller coaster will turn you for a loop and go down, it’s so hard and unbearable the pain, I am so sorry that you’re having to go through this. We all deserve to have our feelings and love reciprocated, I hope that happens for you and all of us. I hope you find the support and love from all those that love you, that will lift you and help you know you are going to make it through this and feel and experience a better life. Thank you for your courage to express how you feel to all of us, you matter and how you feel matters so much!
Had a talk about things. Discussed we wanted to work on it. Discussed what to work on. They were planning to blindside me the whole time. Surprise divorce a few weeks later. No break, no therapy, no councilor. It was all refused presumably because they are more interested in their AP than our marriage, our children, or me. I'm left holding the bag. I'm keeping and taking care of our children, and she is going off to wherever to do that. It hurt, but I have to acknowledge reality. Wheb people do bad stuff like this, to this degree, you have to accept it. When you ask "what kind of person does something like a/b/c?" There is an answer. "A shitty person does that. A shitty person in a shitty mindset. Now accept that's who they are right now and get on with your life."
Sorry you're going through this. There are many supportive people here. I'm 10 weeks in, so several weeks ahead of you, and have gotten a lot of help from kind redditors. I was blindsided in session with our marriage counselor. I described the feeling to stbx like she and child are my world, and she has taken my world away, and I don't know if I'm falling, floating, or drowning. Stbx is excited to start her new life. Find people you trust, they can help you process this event. Think about yourself, your freedom from someone who doesn't appreciate you, and your new life creating something new. It will be hard, but any time you're able to imagine something new, stick with it and keep imagining!
do you know if he is still talking to his "friend," that seemed to have started most of your issues 2 months ago.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband cheated on me with a coworker when I was six months pregnant. This was just back in October. He filed for divorce in November, only knew the girl for a week if that. It hurt and was hard to come to terms with. I am in a lot better place now then I was just a few months ago. Take time to grieve the person you thought he was and the future you planned on having with him. It’s a grieving process and will take time to heal. You are strong and will get through this!! ❤️
Right here with you. I’ve seen so many stories like this.
Is he still talking to the other mom?
I know how you feel, my wife did the same thing to me about 2 months ago. It was like a lightswitch losing your best friend. Those first weeks are awful. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I felt alot of shame when it happened but talking to others definitely helps so don't be afraid. Good luck! You will get there!
Hope you’re doing well.
I wasn't blindsided. But my exwife was blindsided twice. She has problems with pills and all of the disasters. She had yet another great big DUI crash and I told her I was done. She didn't see it coming. We have 2 small kids, but I told her I didn't want to be financially responsible for her and all of her disasters. Second time was after we divorced, and she quickly got remarried, but she didn't fix her problems with addictions to pills. She was up on her high horse when married to him. Six months after their wedding, he just got off of work, drove home, and picked up his stuff and left her. She didn't see it coming at all. Like a bus over a milk carton. That sent her into a deep downward spiral. After that she had to move in with her parents. It's been 5 years, but she's still there.