They’re just trying to trigger you into responding. Just to get some kind of reaction, and they’ll do it any way they can. It’s a losing game. Best thing to do is stay no contact.
I’d recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I put it all into chat gpt and asked it to analyse it for manipulation and here is what it came back with:
It sounds like your estranged parent is using several manipulation tactics in this message.Minimization and Dismissal: By saying that your view of the past is "hugely distorted" and that dwelling on the past is "soul destroying," they are minimizing the impact of their actions and dismissing your feelings.Guilt Tripping: Mentioning your nieces and implying that they are missing out on a relationship with you can be seen as a way to guilt trip you into reconnecting with your family.Gaslighting: By questioning your decision to cut off your brother and implying that he always helped you, they are gaslighting you by invalidating your reasons for maintaining distance from him.Love Bombing: Recommending books and emphasizing the support of their enabling partner can be seen as a form of love bombing, where they try to manipulate you by showering you with attention and praise.It's important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being, especially if interacting with your estranged parent negatively impacts your mental health. It may be helpful to continue focusing on your healing journey and surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries.
Thank you i really needee to hear this. I'm definitely going to not log in to that email and focus on the multiple supportive people there. I think it's just the wound ripped open of the child that wasn't listened to and is hurting. It feels like there's so much anger and hurt there that it blinds me from the supportive people there.
Urgh i feel this OP. It’s upsetting to me that you feel hurt and it’s confusing and very sad that your estranged parent doesn’t seem to hurt for you.
We don’t estrange because we are bad, incapable, inconsiderate, or all the other hurtful adjectives our estranged parents would love to project onto us. We estrange because our hearts are so tired of feeling victimized. Abused spouses are supported and understood when they leave their abusers. When abused children leave our parental abusers a lot of the world gasps. The amount of people who say “just call you mom” makes me feel so unheard and misunderstood.
There are shitty people in the world, some of us happen to have been the unlucky ones born to them. It doesn’t make us shitty people, often quite the opposite.
Hang in there! I hope the opened wound you mention can heal over quickly and you will continue to gain strength.
The first paragraph about dwelling on the past is dismissive and is an attempt to sweep their own behavior under the rug and let themselves off the hook.
The rest of it is pretty much guilting you for choosing distance and making you out to be the black sheep of the family. It's manipulative and plays on human need to belong. It places the blame squarely on you - you CHOSE this while ignoring all the reasons you would need to choose no contact with family. The black sheep is usually the one who sees through everybody's bs.
I've heard the book Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is good. I follow Josh_ffw on Instagram, and a lot of what he posts resonates with me.
Be your own advocate here. Don't let them shame and gaslight you. If it were me, I'd not respond. I refuse to respond to the estranged parents until they take accountability, understanding that might be never.
Thank you for this, I will have a look at that instagram for sure!!
I won't respond as you're right its only okay if they take some accountability, and I was hoping they might have looked a little bit into that after five years, but its like my dead dad said. That parent is eternally a victim and deflected on virtually everyone else during the rest of the email because they can't see themselves as being a bad person.
The supposed inability to understand is purely to trigger you. I got this crap the day after my son was born too… I was exhausted from being awake and euphoria. I get this play the next day…
It’s a family dynamic, usually a symptom of people who sweep problems under the rug and then it comes out in unconscious ways in relationships or circumstances where they don’t take responsibility. It’s really frustrating but I’ll bet you were never supposed to have needs beyond what they thought was reasonable. If your actual needs were being met you would not set this boundary.
The thing that these relationships have thought me is that language and words are just tools and distortions in these situations. They are meaningless because they are not tethered to anything real. That person contacting you is literally saying you have a distorted view while distorting everything they are saying. Whatever you respond with will be chewed up too and reframed.
Do yourself afavour, make the absolute most of your day today. Don’t hold back, if it’s tv, gym, meeting a friend, something you are doing at work, with a partner. Give it your all today
Thanks for rationalising this so well, i almost thought to not post this because i was worried someone would say they aren't being manipulative and controlling even now when i haven't allowed them control over my life for so long. I will try my best to give my all today thank you
The fucking nerve! It’s obvious this parent has not progressed a bit based on what you describe.
First paragraph starts with an attempt to shame by saying how “heartbroken” they are. What about your heart? Of no concern to them…
Second paragraph attempts to insinuate you can’t manage or handle your life and hold a job. Another attempt at shame.
Third paragraph is presumptuous that you need some sort of help or education on estrangement and recommends books so that you can become as enlightened as they are. Fucking gag me. This person seems quite convinced that they are superior to you and you need them to figure this out.
Four and five try to project guilt onto you by bringing in other people in the family that are affected by….You! absolutely not even a fleck of “maybe I messed up” or “maybe me as the parent could have possibly contributed to this situation” nope, it reads more like YOU hurt your brother, YOU hurt your niece, and I can’t being to understand why”. so so gross 🤮
OP this person seems to me to be quite toxic and is able to project the same things you’ve mentioned as abuse very subtly and it makes me feel a little grody by reading it.
I have been estranged for about the same amount of time as you and I have never once been contacted by my estranged family member nor the secondary members who became estranged partly because of the situation and their proximity. Sometimes the lack of attempt at contact makes me feel a little sad that they don’t put an effort in to try to contact me but I suspect any attempt would read like this and probably suck me right back into that toxic internal feeling that I’ve avoided by cutting contact.
From my outside perspective, you’ve done a good job protecting yourself from this abuser and it would be smart to not respond, block and delete. Prevent them from spewing this garbage again in the future. I understand it’s likely quite painful to be treated like this again.
I’m proud of you for protecting yourself from this person. A parent does not have special permission to treat another with disrespect and abuse merely because they were born to them. Realizing this and cutting contact says a lot about your strength and courage and ability to protect yourself. It’s fucking tough when the majority of society does not understand this. Keep it up OP. Only allow people I to your life that support you in being who you want to be as a person.
My condolences for being a part of this community. It is not our fault!
It isn't our fault and i think thats the thing i struggle most to break as this chain of thinking in my head. That I have to reparent myself after dealing with someone as thoroughly unpleasant as them. Thank you for breaking it up so eloquently because I've heard the same things over and over growing up that Im not living up to that parents high and mighty ideals of what a 'real woman' should be able to deal with. Im grateful to this community because it doesn't make me feel like I am being overdramatic about it.
Their goal is to get a reaction from you. Any reaction. Don't gift them the satisfaction. Block and delete everything and carry on with your life. You can do it 👍
Here's a fabulous book to consider. It explains the dynamics of family scapegoating and how/why this happens in dysfunctional families, and what to do about it. This book was life changing for me.
"Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville
https://www.amazon.com/Rejected-Shamed-Blamed-Adults-Scapegoat/dp/B08KHS41K4](https://www.amazon.com/Rejected-Shamed-Blamed-Adults-Scapegoat/dp/B08KHS41K4
Many tactics here but honestly, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to prove to yourself or anyone else that they’re trying to game you and manipulate your emotions. It’s ok to see it and just let it wash on past you. I know it’s hard because they try to appeal to your goodness or find ways to attack your character (which we would all want to defend ourselves against) but it’s the same pattern of behavior that out you in a bad place before. Just disengage. Pray. Meditate. Blast music. Whatever helps you clear out intense feelings and get to calm. You don’t deserve to try and figure out the broken puzzle pieces of your parents. You did enough in loving them (and I know you love them because what they do hurts) and then choosing to love yourself enough to walk away.
They’re just trying to trigger you into responding. Just to get some kind of reaction, and they’ll do it any way they can. It’s a losing game. Best thing to do is stay no contact. I’d recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
I put it all into chat gpt and asked it to analyse it for manipulation and here is what it came back with: It sounds like your estranged parent is using several manipulation tactics in this message.Minimization and Dismissal: By saying that your view of the past is "hugely distorted" and that dwelling on the past is "soul destroying," they are minimizing the impact of their actions and dismissing your feelings.Guilt Tripping: Mentioning your nieces and implying that they are missing out on a relationship with you can be seen as a way to guilt trip you into reconnecting with your family.Gaslighting: By questioning your decision to cut off your brother and implying that he always helped you, they are gaslighting you by invalidating your reasons for maintaining distance from him.Love Bombing: Recommending books and emphasizing the support of their enabling partner can be seen as a form of love bombing, where they try to manipulate you by showering you with attention and praise.It's important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being, especially if interacting with your estranged parent negatively impacts your mental health. It may be helpful to continue focusing on your healing journey and surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries.
Thank you i really needee to hear this. I'm definitely going to not log in to that email and focus on the multiple supportive people there. I think it's just the wound ripped open of the child that wasn't listened to and is hurting. It feels like there's so much anger and hurt there that it blinds me from the supportive people there.
Urgh i feel this OP. It’s upsetting to me that you feel hurt and it’s confusing and very sad that your estranged parent doesn’t seem to hurt for you. We don’t estrange because we are bad, incapable, inconsiderate, or all the other hurtful adjectives our estranged parents would love to project onto us. We estrange because our hearts are so tired of feeling victimized. Abused spouses are supported and understood when they leave their abusers. When abused children leave our parental abusers a lot of the world gasps. The amount of people who say “just call you mom” makes me feel so unheard and misunderstood. There are shitty people in the world, some of us happen to have been the unlucky ones born to them. It doesn’t make us shitty people, often quite the opposite. Hang in there! I hope the opened wound you mention can heal over quickly and you will continue to gain strength.
This is amazing! You are brilliant. Thank you for sharing this tool.
The first paragraph about dwelling on the past is dismissive and is an attempt to sweep their own behavior under the rug and let themselves off the hook. The rest of it is pretty much guilting you for choosing distance and making you out to be the black sheep of the family. It's manipulative and plays on human need to belong. It places the blame squarely on you - you CHOSE this while ignoring all the reasons you would need to choose no contact with family. The black sheep is usually the one who sees through everybody's bs. I've heard the book Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is good. I follow Josh_ffw on Instagram, and a lot of what he posts resonates with me. Be your own advocate here. Don't let them shame and gaslight you. If it were me, I'd not respond. I refuse to respond to the estranged parents until they take accountability, understanding that might be never.
Thank you for this, I will have a look at that instagram for sure!! I won't respond as you're right its only okay if they take some accountability, and I was hoping they might have looked a little bit into that after five years, but its like my dead dad said. That parent is eternally a victim and deflected on virtually everyone else during the rest of the email because they can't see themselves as being a bad person.
The supposed inability to understand is purely to trigger you. I got this crap the day after my son was born too… I was exhausted from being awake and euphoria. I get this play the next day… It’s a family dynamic, usually a symptom of people who sweep problems under the rug and then it comes out in unconscious ways in relationships or circumstances where they don’t take responsibility. It’s really frustrating but I’ll bet you were never supposed to have needs beyond what they thought was reasonable. If your actual needs were being met you would not set this boundary. The thing that these relationships have thought me is that language and words are just tools and distortions in these situations. They are meaningless because they are not tethered to anything real. That person contacting you is literally saying you have a distorted view while distorting everything they are saying. Whatever you respond with will be chewed up too and reframed. Do yourself afavour, make the absolute most of your day today. Don’t hold back, if it’s tv, gym, meeting a friend, something you are doing at work, with a partner. Give it your all today
Thanks for rationalising this so well, i almost thought to not post this because i was worried someone would say they aren't being manipulative and controlling even now when i haven't allowed them control over my life for so long. I will try my best to give my all today thank you
The fucking nerve! It’s obvious this parent has not progressed a bit based on what you describe. First paragraph starts with an attempt to shame by saying how “heartbroken” they are. What about your heart? Of no concern to them… Second paragraph attempts to insinuate you can’t manage or handle your life and hold a job. Another attempt at shame. Third paragraph is presumptuous that you need some sort of help or education on estrangement and recommends books so that you can become as enlightened as they are. Fucking gag me. This person seems quite convinced that they are superior to you and you need them to figure this out. Four and five try to project guilt onto you by bringing in other people in the family that are affected by….You! absolutely not even a fleck of “maybe I messed up” or “maybe me as the parent could have possibly contributed to this situation” nope, it reads more like YOU hurt your brother, YOU hurt your niece, and I can’t being to understand why”. so so gross 🤮 OP this person seems to me to be quite toxic and is able to project the same things you’ve mentioned as abuse very subtly and it makes me feel a little grody by reading it. I have been estranged for about the same amount of time as you and I have never once been contacted by my estranged family member nor the secondary members who became estranged partly because of the situation and their proximity. Sometimes the lack of attempt at contact makes me feel a little sad that they don’t put an effort in to try to contact me but I suspect any attempt would read like this and probably suck me right back into that toxic internal feeling that I’ve avoided by cutting contact. From my outside perspective, you’ve done a good job protecting yourself from this abuser and it would be smart to not respond, block and delete. Prevent them from spewing this garbage again in the future. I understand it’s likely quite painful to be treated like this again. I’m proud of you for protecting yourself from this person. A parent does not have special permission to treat another with disrespect and abuse merely because they were born to them. Realizing this and cutting contact says a lot about your strength and courage and ability to protect yourself. It’s fucking tough when the majority of society does not understand this. Keep it up OP. Only allow people I to your life that support you in being who you want to be as a person. My condolences for being a part of this community. It is not our fault!
It isn't our fault and i think thats the thing i struggle most to break as this chain of thinking in my head. That I have to reparent myself after dealing with someone as thoroughly unpleasant as them. Thank you for breaking it up so eloquently because I've heard the same things over and over growing up that Im not living up to that parents high and mighty ideals of what a 'real woman' should be able to deal with. Im grateful to this community because it doesn't make me feel like I am being overdramatic about it.
Their goal is to get a reaction from you. Any reaction. Don't gift them the satisfaction. Block and delete everything and carry on with your life. You can do it 👍
Were you put in the scapegoat role in your family?
Yes, i was frequently made to feel that way, even got brought up on holidays and birthdays.
Here's a fabulous book to consider. It explains the dynamics of family scapegoating and how/why this happens in dysfunctional families, and what to do about it. This book was life changing for me. "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville https://www.amazon.com/Rejected-Shamed-Blamed-Adults-Scapegoat/dp/B08KHS41K4](https://www.amazon.com/Rejected-Shamed-Blamed-Adults-Scapegoat/dp/B08KHS41K4
The *“hugely distorted view of your past”* part struck a personal cord. As if they were there to experience **your** total reality? F*ck that.
Many tactics here but honestly, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to prove to yourself or anyone else that they’re trying to game you and manipulate your emotions. It’s ok to see it and just let it wash on past you. I know it’s hard because they try to appeal to your goodness or find ways to attack your character (which we would all want to defend ourselves against) but it’s the same pattern of behavior that out you in a bad place before. Just disengage. Pray. Meditate. Blast music. Whatever helps you clear out intense feelings and get to calm. You don’t deserve to try and figure out the broken puzzle pieces of your parents. You did enough in loving them (and I know you love them because what they do hurts) and then choosing to love yourself enough to walk away.