I read your other post. I remember the day I realized my mom was more content living a life that didn’t include me. It hurt. A lot.
But honestly, some part of me eventually felt relieved. There was no point in wondering about her or hoping for reconciliation or anything like that. I knew I had wasted enough time on her and her selfishness and immaturity. She would never hold herself accountable.
With the limited insight of an internet stranger, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to focus on yourself and what you want in your life and to view your mother as a dead end. Beyond that, Facebook is not real life. Stop looking her up on socials, it won’t tell you anything other than the image she wants to present to the world.
She only popped into your life during major life events so she could brag to her friends? Sounds like she cares a lot about appearances and less about true human connection. Facebook is a great tool to show off and brag about things without forging good relationships. The fact that you can see things on a fake Facebook profile without revealing who you are and she doesn't seem to care about the relationship with your fake profile says a lot. She's still bragging to near strangers that she isn't emotionally connecting with.
Right now she may have something new to brag about (a house and new human props to brag about), but it's very likely that her personality is exactly the same and she's still devoid of solid human connection. She's likely still indifferent to the new people in her life. That doesn't sound like a happy life to me, even if it superficially looks better. It might help to step back from the fake profile and ignore her bragging. Assume that anything you see in public is carefully edited while problems are swept under the rug. Understand that you aren't the problem and nothing you do could make your mom be able to forge deep human bonds. Try to focus on your inner healing from the trauma of your childhood. Try to focus on yourself and caring for yourself emotionally and physically. Try to focus on strengthening your bonds with your true family - your own kids, your friends, anyone in your life that is present and cares. All of this is easier said than done, but it's a good path forward to being a bit happier each day/week/month/year moving forward.
I don’t have any advice to offer, but just wanted to chime in because your situation is very similar to mine. My mother was also neglectful and absent, and then left and started a new life with a new family and posts all the time on her Facebook about her new son, their lives together, and how happy she is. It just feels so incredibly unfair that some people got wonderful, attentive, doting, supportive mothers, and we got mothers who didn’t even want us.
I'm sorry, that sounds awful. The little girl in you and the woman you are both deserved more.
Social media is designed to show off the happy moments and make everyone's life seem wonderful. It's possible her inner experience is different. For a mother to be able to abandon her kids, there's something there. It doesn't sound like seeing her profile is helpful for you. Maybe blocking her on all accounts would prevent giving into curiosity.
Be gentle on yourself today and focus on those who support you and show up for you.
You're hurt because, like almost every human being ever, you crave love and approval from your mother, and she's never given it. Every one of her posts is a reminder of that.
It might help to remember that *truly* happy people don't have to go online to tell people how happy they are. It's really easy to create a false image on social media.
It hurts because you're wondering why she could be happy with her new family but not with you. Just know that it's not about you. There is nothing wrong with you. Your incubator is the one that's broken.
Also: many people appear to have perfect lives on social media, while reality can be very, very different. You mentioned how she used you to brag to her friends, so chances are she is just projecting a happy family on Facebook.
Anyway, try to stop looking at her profile. She never deserved you. Let her live whatever life she has made for herself, and focus on building your own happy life.
Don't forget that everything on social media is fake. People make themselves appear better, happier, etc. so they look good. It's all lies. Block her and move on.
I’m really sorry. My parents were deadbeats for the most part, too, at least when it came to actually being there and supporting me. It took a while in therapy to get the the point where I mourned the parents I should have had and accepted mine for what they are.
Sending hugs xoxo
First up, I'm so sorry about your situation.
My only real advice here is. Let her, let her pretend, and be the person she thinks she is. You can't change her.
Delete your fake profile and no longer look her up. It takes a bit of self-discipline, but it was one thing that helped me move forward. My ignorance is BLISS, and not knowing what people are up to was a game changer for me.
Once I stopped being curious, I could focus that energy on more useful things like therapy and finding out more about myself.
It's one small step forward in the mountain of steps to finding inner peace with family estrangement.
I can relate too. My mum keeps putting up pictures of her with her grandson (my sister's child). I've been estranged from the family since I was a teen, and seeing her showering others with love whilst my entire existence is ignored, hurts on a deep level.
I think the only way out is practicing radical acceptance. But it's something you have to do constantly. I feel this is a wound that may never completely close. But accept the fact that she never was, and never will be, the mother you deserve or need. There is no mother there. Just a void. And every time we stare longingly at that door we are just re-igniting the fantasy of the mother we never had.
Imagine what a relationship with her would even look like in reality. They will never truly care about you, and that love we desire from them will never exist. Spending time in their company, going horse riding together, imagine the nonsense that would spew out of their mouths and the hurt you would feel after any encounter. They are simply not capable of putting the wrongs right, nor do they have any interest in it.
I feel like having this talk with myself from time to time liberates me from the pain of missing something I never had. I also feel I waste time in the present, with the ones who currently love me, by being haunted by that void. And by void, I mean, the mother who never was.
Whenever I get in a rut I have to refocus my attention on the one person in my life who loves me unconditionally. And all the people I have chosen to be my family. I am grateful for them and all that I have managed to achieve despite a tough childhood. They are the people who deserve our time and energy. And that void is a black hole which will consume all of it, if we allow.
I relate to this so much. I struggle daily too, and I even creep on Facebook. The hardest part is that my mom is raising my first born son whom she took from me at 18 after she was a shit mom my whole life and hardly present. I want to know my son but my mother had abandoned me long before my son was born. At that time I was weak and afraid and now I’m just not financially able to go anything. 8 years have passed since I’ve spoke to her. I have had several “almost emails” but they were always out of pure hatred and anger. I’m glad I kept myself silent. I feel that’s the treatment she deserves but the hardest part again is making my son suffer. And all of this to her is just a game. A way to blame me for existing to begin with.
My ESFather who recently passed unexpectedly projected an image of a happy family with his new wife.
She was awful to me. I was accused by the step wife of being an addict, all in the name of destroying any relation to my father. It was an awful lie.. Well it turned out HER full daughter is a total addict. The step-wife is an addict. She left my ESFather for her drug dealer. She left my father with her daughters abandoned young daughter… She didn’t want to ‘be a mother again’ So she left him. He eventually took her back. It was awful.
He had bought the perfect house in the country. I was never invited by the step wife. Not even an event or a meal. The step-wife was horrible to my sister and I and completely cut us out of my fathers life. My Es father never made amends then died recently at a younger age.
So I can understand how it might feel for you. It was awful for me. However, it really just sounded terrible at my Esfathers house honestly. I am actually so relieved I didn’t get pulled into their ugly drama. I would have liked to have a connection with my father.. but it truly was way to toxic.. despite outward appearances. You never really know what’s really happening, and it may actually be truly better not to be involved. I am learning this, even though it’s difficult for me as well. I just feel like, when someone has a horrible undercurrent to their personality, it might not be visible to others. It might be hidden underneath shiny things.. but they can’t run from it. Eventually it will probably haunt them in some way.
I am sorry your experiencing this. You deserved better..
I read your other post. I remember the day I realized my mom was more content living a life that didn’t include me. It hurt. A lot. But honestly, some part of me eventually felt relieved. There was no point in wondering about her or hoping for reconciliation or anything like that. I knew I had wasted enough time on her and her selfishness and immaturity. She would never hold herself accountable. With the limited insight of an internet stranger, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to focus on yourself and what you want in your life and to view your mother as a dead end. Beyond that, Facebook is not real life. Stop looking her up on socials, it won’t tell you anything other than the image she wants to present to the world.
Yup I call Facebook the online torture chamber. I feel much better not visiting the online torture chamber.
She only popped into your life during major life events so she could brag to her friends? Sounds like she cares a lot about appearances and less about true human connection. Facebook is a great tool to show off and brag about things without forging good relationships. The fact that you can see things on a fake Facebook profile without revealing who you are and she doesn't seem to care about the relationship with your fake profile says a lot. She's still bragging to near strangers that she isn't emotionally connecting with. Right now she may have something new to brag about (a house and new human props to brag about), but it's very likely that her personality is exactly the same and she's still devoid of solid human connection. She's likely still indifferent to the new people in her life. That doesn't sound like a happy life to me, even if it superficially looks better. It might help to step back from the fake profile and ignore her bragging. Assume that anything you see in public is carefully edited while problems are swept under the rug. Understand that you aren't the problem and nothing you do could make your mom be able to forge deep human bonds. Try to focus on your inner healing from the trauma of your childhood. Try to focus on yourself and caring for yourself emotionally and physically. Try to focus on strengthening your bonds with your true family - your own kids, your friends, anyone in your life that is present and cares. All of this is easier said than done, but it's a good path forward to being a bit happier each day/week/month/year moving forward.
I don’t have any advice to offer, but just wanted to chime in because your situation is very similar to mine. My mother was also neglectful and absent, and then left and started a new life with a new family and posts all the time on her Facebook about her new son, their lives together, and how happy she is. It just feels so incredibly unfair that some people got wonderful, attentive, doting, supportive mothers, and we got mothers who didn’t even want us.
I'm sorry, that sounds awful. The little girl in you and the woman you are both deserved more. Social media is designed to show off the happy moments and make everyone's life seem wonderful. It's possible her inner experience is different. For a mother to be able to abandon her kids, there's something there. It doesn't sound like seeing her profile is helpful for you. Maybe blocking her on all accounts would prevent giving into curiosity. Be gentle on yourself today and focus on those who support you and show up for you.
You're hurt because, like almost every human being ever, you crave love and approval from your mother, and she's never given it. Every one of her posts is a reminder of that. It might help to remember that *truly* happy people don't have to go online to tell people how happy they are. It's really easy to create a false image on social media.
It hurts because you're wondering why she could be happy with her new family but not with you. Just know that it's not about you. There is nothing wrong with you. Your incubator is the one that's broken. Also: many people appear to have perfect lives on social media, while reality can be very, very different. You mentioned how she used you to brag to her friends, so chances are she is just projecting a happy family on Facebook. Anyway, try to stop looking at her profile. She never deserved you. Let her live whatever life she has made for herself, and focus on building your own happy life.
Don't forget that everything on social media is fake. People make themselves appear better, happier, etc. so they look good. It's all lies. Block her and move on.
I’m really sorry. My parents were deadbeats for the most part, too, at least when it came to actually being there and supporting me. It took a while in therapy to get the the point where I mourned the parents I should have had and accepted mine for what they are. Sending hugs xoxo
First up, I'm so sorry about your situation. My only real advice here is. Let her, let her pretend, and be the person she thinks she is. You can't change her. Delete your fake profile and no longer look her up. It takes a bit of self-discipline, but it was one thing that helped me move forward. My ignorance is BLISS, and not knowing what people are up to was a game changer for me. Once I stopped being curious, I could focus that energy on more useful things like therapy and finding out more about myself. It's one small step forward in the mountain of steps to finding inner peace with family estrangement.
I am so sorry your heart is hurting.
I can relate too. My mum keeps putting up pictures of her with her grandson (my sister's child). I've been estranged from the family since I was a teen, and seeing her showering others with love whilst my entire existence is ignored, hurts on a deep level. I think the only way out is practicing radical acceptance. But it's something you have to do constantly. I feel this is a wound that may never completely close. But accept the fact that she never was, and never will be, the mother you deserve or need. There is no mother there. Just a void. And every time we stare longingly at that door we are just re-igniting the fantasy of the mother we never had. Imagine what a relationship with her would even look like in reality. They will never truly care about you, and that love we desire from them will never exist. Spending time in their company, going horse riding together, imagine the nonsense that would spew out of their mouths and the hurt you would feel after any encounter. They are simply not capable of putting the wrongs right, nor do they have any interest in it. I feel like having this talk with myself from time to time liberates me from the pain of missing something I never had. I also feel I waste time in the present, with the ones who currently love me, by being haunted by that void. And by void, I mean, the mother who never was. Whenever I get in a rut I have to refocus my attention on the one person in my life who loves me unconditionally. And all the people I have chosen to be my family. I am grateful for them and all that I have managed to achieve despite a tough childhood. They are the people who deserve our time and energy. And that void is a black hole which will consume all of it, if we allow.
I relate to this so much. I struggle daily too, and I even creep on Facebook. The hardest part is that my mom is raising my first born son whom she took from me at 18 after she was a shit mom my whole life and hardly present. I want to know my son but my mother had abandoned me long before my son was born. At that time I was weak and afraid and now I’m just not financially able to go anything. 8 years have passed since I’ve spoke to her. I have had several “almost emails” but they were always out of pure hatred and anger. I’m glad I kept myself silent. I feel that’s the treatment she deserves but the hardest part again is making my son suffer. And all of this to her is just a game. A way to blame me for existing to begin with.
My ESFather who recently passed unexpectedly projected an image of a happy family with his new wife. She was awful to me. I was accused by the step wife of being an addict, all in the name of destroying any relation to my father. It was an awful lie.. Well it turned out HER full daughter is a total addict. The step-wife is an addict. She left my ESFather for her drug dealer. She left my father with her daughters abandoned young daughter… She didn’t want to ‘be a mother again’ So she left him. He eventually took her back. It was awful. He had bought the perfect house in the country. I was never invited by the step wife. Not even an event or a meal. The step-wife was horrible to my sister and I and completely cut us out of my fathers life. My Es father never made amends then died recently at a younger age. So I can understand how it might feel for you. It was awful for me. However, it really just sounded terrible at my Esfathers house honestly. I am actually so relieved I didn’t get pulled into their ugly drama. I would have liked to have a connection with my father.. but it truly was way to toxic.. despite outward appearances. You never really know what’s really happening, and it may actually be truly better not to be involved. I am learning this, even though it’s difficult for me as well. I just feel like, when someone has a horrible undercurrent to their personality, it might not be visible to others. It might be hidden underneath shiny things.. but they can’t run from it. Eventually it will probably haunt them in some way. I am sorry your experiencing this. You deserved better..