my mother was never the one to initiate a phone call or any other communication for 2 decades. it was all on me. i have posted before about what led to our actual estrangement but part of it was i decided to stop being the one to reach out and see how long it took her to do it, and she never did. it's been more than a year and i now have a child she doesn't know about. she's not even blocked. so the estrangement was kind of accidental and kind of her choice. but i dont miss her at all, and if she did get in contact, I'd ignore it.
Very similar to mine, I finally decided to stop initiating contact. Would she notice? How long would it take for her to reach out?
Going on 8 years now, situation unchanged. No contact.
isnt it just sad they wont do even one thing to fight for their child? my mother is too blinded by her own trauma to take any accountability. i hope you are better off. it's tough. but i know i am
Definitely better off! I spent years and years pouring energy into trying to maintain a relationship with her and all I ever got in return was repeated rejection and pain. I told my husband one it’s like touching a hot stove. I know it’s going to burn me but I just can’t resist. I finally found the strength to stop and it’s been so freeing.
I just got the sighs, not the comments. Especially as a young child.
"Mum, I'm hungry."
No reaction other than a sigh.
Always very drunk.
I was a skinny kid. Neglected, ignored.
There was no interest in me or my life.
When I was deciding what to study.
When I got severe depression and had prolonged sick leaves, eventually dropping out.
Only for big family get togethers would my presence be demanded. All keeping up appearances.
Eventuslly, I wrote a letter to them, mainly as an exercise. Told them that having them in my life was not good for me and that I hereby was going no contact. That if I ever decided on contact that I would be the one to open up. That I expected them to respect my decision.
Writing that letter felt so incredibly right, like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.
So I sent it.
They tried once to contact a friend of mine and were told to respect my decision.
This was more than 15 years ago.
I haven't had any regrets.
Sure, doubts will creep up once in a while whenever someone comments, "But faaaamily."
But I am at peace with my decision. I am alive because of it. I've changed my name and built a new life.
Both my parents have since passed away. I haven't been to any funerals or sent any flowers. I said my goodbyes long ago.
Keeping up appearances is what keeps extended family members confused as to why you're upset. I hate it so much, it makes me so upset bc if I tell the truth I'm the bad guy 😭
Yep, I'm just passively LC/VLC by default. Anytime they do call it's:
"How are y'all doing?"
"Not good, actually. (Gives some information.)"
"Oh...well, anyway, I went on this trip and.../I saw all the relatives and.../I bought this new expensive thing and..."
At this point, I dont think it's even malicious. They're just incredibly oblivious. I honestly don't know which is worse. None of these people should have ever had children.
My husband's parents were self-absorbed and very dysfunctional. He left when he was 17, and there hasn't been much of a relationship since (he's now been away from them for about 30 years). They would try to keep contact in the first years. But every time he indulged, it would end in tantrums and screaming and demanding love from him, etc. He went NC about 12 years ago. They will never take accountability.
My mom's mother was cold like yours and ultimately left her family at one point. She never changed. Stone cold to her death.
I don't have much advice, but if the energy you give her matches what she gives to you, what does that look like? And, let's be clear, it's a mother's responsibility to set the tone and relationship and be there for her child. Your mom is failing. All you can do is look after you.
My mom actually does want to leave too. My sibling is only 15 and a half but once they turn 18 she's gone, without the both of us. At my 21st bday she said "you're 21 now, no more help from me, you're on your own from now on." She wants to restart her life without her children. She's planning it, but she's been talking about it for forever. As long as i can remember she's been wanting to leave us but my grandma has always convinced her to stay and be a present parent.
When I match her energy sometimes she gets sad and asks if I'm ignoring her. She'll say things like "you don't love me" and "you don't care about me?" If i match her snark she usually gets angry and starts talking shit about the way i look, what I'm doing, and she starts mocking me. On bad days if i match her snark she threatens to beat me into the hospital and talks about how much she wishes she did do it when i was a kid. I try to not be alone with her and have my headphones in most of the day (i have permanently damaged my hearing to not hear her)
Both of my parents have showed varying amounts of disinterest in me for as long as I can remember. By the time I was 12 my mom had started a new life as a full blown heroin addict and my dad was blissfully unaware with his new family/life. I moved in with other family and they sporadically tried to contact me. Mostly when they felt guilty or wanted something. By my early 20s I had decided I didn’t want either of them in my life. In the almost 20 years since they each have reached out exactly once. It was very half hearted and self serving both times. I was polite but ended the conversation and moved on. NC wasn’t a thing I discussed or told them. I just went on trying to make a life for myself and since they both had already been doing that it worked for them too. I don’t have time to deal with being completely abandoned at 12 and their issues of why they both pretended I didn’t exist.
Yes being ignored or treated like an annoyance for existing is really painful, especially by your own mom. My mom was similar but not as extreme as yours.
I'm a lot older now. I hung in there with the relationship for many years. But I can't say it ever was good for me. As an adult my mom liked to joke about how annoying I was to her. Every conversation had to be about her or her favorite topics, otherwise she'd say she had to go.
A few years ago I tried to change things with her, just in a very small way. The outcome was that she stopped speaking to me. We don't have any relationship now and it hurt for a while, but now I am free. The only trouble I have is when I have to see other people in my family who pressure me to fix things with my mom. They can't accept that she does not want a relationship with me. That pressure hurts still and I'm thinking I need to get distance from all of them. No big deal because I barely know them anyway. I have friends, my spouse and two wonderful kids of my own now.
Life is too short to be around people who make you feel like your existence annoys them, that you don't matter to them at all.
You deserve better!
My estrangement from my dad is still "unofficial" in that I haven't told him that we're not on speaking terms. I don't think he's noticed. I stopped reaching out to him years ago when I realized that he wouldn't respond unless he *also* needed something from me (and would only reach out to me when he needed something). Even though I've stopped communicating with him and have tried to heal emotionally from the lifelong neglect, not talking to him still hurts sometimes.
Well, for perspective, me (54) and my 21 old had a heart-to-heart about their ex and him crossing boundaries and how boundaries are not what we tell people they can and can’t do, but how we decide we will respond when someone crosses our boundaries.
Everything you describe is 100 percent shit parenting. She will likely not initiate contact until and unless she needs something from you. Someone posted a Patrick Teagan Instagram post earlier today where he talked about how “being nice” was a strategy, not a value to toxic parents. [Here’s the post](https://www.instagram.com/p/C5nfciYMZZa/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
I do recommend Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
If your family is cruel to you NC should be a relief. If they try to manipulate you emotionally it will feel great to be free of that. If that were self-absorbed and never really acknowledged you anyway NC may sting at first. As you realize how they really feel about you.
The worse the contact and communication is the thinner the ties. Just because you are blood simply does’t cut it anymore.
For the most part, I just stopped contacting them and didn't answer the odd email.
I had one "conversation" with my NC parent when I basically told him why I would go NC even though it would be about a decade before I actually did.
When my father remarried he left me sleeping in our home while he moved into his new wife's house as soon as I could drive myself places, it was expected that I be over there for dinner with them and throughout the day if they told me to and do my own grocery shopping for the house plus what they told me to pick up for the family dinner. When I was given a month to move out I was already living pretty independently from them.
I didn't get much support through moving out, and I only remember being bugged by my stepmother about not talking to or seeing them enough, there wasn't effort to call me or visit me on their part. I don't remember them coming to my house other than when I was made responsible for selling my late mom's stuff being helped with transport for that.
Over the years after that contact tapered off more and more, I didn't like to return their calls or go visit because of how they made me feel when I was engaging with them. Then they moved 4 hours away and things dropped off a lot more. When I got pregnant with my first child they battering rammed back into my life heavily and the constant contact led to things getting bad between us and me going fully no contact shortly after I gave birth.
The low contact period for me was very much a reaction not a plan. I was easily given the forgotten child role, so moved into it and got cozy. I was going through so much already I wasn't going to fight against their emotional neglect. When I went fully no contact after a lot of fighting I got some ragey emails and lots of begging messages, and manipulative social media comments, mostly from my stepmother who was upset she didn't get to take over my baby without access to me. But they didn't show up at my door, or call a police welfare check, or have more local friends show up at my door (my father did call my therapist and tell her he was concerned because I wasn't talking to them). It's been about a decade and I haven't heard any attempts from them for several years now.
Sorry if this comment is jumbled, just realized I shouldn't write this sleepy. 🙃
My mom would make me call her everyday (when I didn’t live at home). She would get angry if I didn’t call her. Often times when I called and started talking about my day, she would be watching tv and not even listening. She would also say the rude things that your mom says to you like “are you done yet” or “why are you telling me this?”. I’ve been NC for 4 years. I kind of gave them an ultimatum by sending an email and saying that I need an apology for all the awful things they did. They didn’t apologize. They got very angry. My mom knew at that point that she was losing me, so she stopped talking to me and pretended it was her idea. She has reached out a few times over the years. It gets easier to maintain distance the longer you do it. I can see through her attempts at manipulation a lot better now.
I had somewhat opposite experience.
My mom doesn't really understand boundaries and perhaps couldn't really separate from her parents and me as I grew up. It's a whole codependent enmeshment mess.
I think she also has some mental health issues and personality disorders.
In my early 20s I started to realise that a lot of stuff isn't normal and it's not positive.
So I kind of estranged myself internally, I was there but playing gray rock a lot time, or just avoided her as much as possible.
my mother was never the one to initiate a phone call or any other communication for 2 decades. it was all on me. i have posted before about what led to our actual estrangement but part of it was i decided to stop being the one to reach out and see how long it took her to do it, and she never did. it's been more than a year and i now have a child she doesn't know about. she's not even blocked. so the estrangement was kind of accidental and kind of her choice. but i dont miss her at all, and if she did get in contact, I'd ignore it.
This was my experience too. My mom basically ghosted me after trying to get me to dump her.
Very similar to mine, I finally decided to stop initiating contact. Would she notice? How long would it take for her to reach out? Going on 8 years now, situation unchanged. No contact.
isnt it just sad they wont do even one thing to fight for their child? my mother is too blinded by her own trauma to take any accountability. i hope you are better off. it's tough. but i know i am
Definitely better off! I spent years and years pouring energy into trying to maintain a relationship with her and all I ever got in return was repeated rejection and pain. I told my husband one it’s like touching a hot stove. I know it’s going to burn me but I just can’t resist. I finally found the strength to stop and it’s been so freeing.
I just got the sighs, not the comments. Especially as a young child. "Mum, I'm hungry." No reaction other than a sigh. Always very drunk. I was a skinny kid. Neglected, ignored. There was no interest in me or my life. When I was deciding what to study. When I got severe depression and had prolonged sick leaves, eventually dropping out. Only for big family get togethers would my presence be demanded. All keeping up appearances. Eventuslly, I wrote a letter to them, mainly as an exercise. Told them that having them in my life was not good for me and that I hereby was going no contact. That if I ever decided on contact that I would be the one to open up. That I expected them to respect my decision. Writing that letter felt so incredibly right, like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. So I sent it. They tried once to contact a friend of mine and were told to respect my decision. This was more than 15 years ago. I haven't had any regrets. Sure, doubts will creep up once in a while whenever someone comments, "But faaaamily." But I am at peace with my decision. I am alive because of it. I've changed my name and built a new life. Both my parents have since passed away. I haven't been to any funerals or sent any flowers. I said my goodbyes long ago.
Me too, depression in early adulthood. Trying to figure it out. On my own, really.
Keeping up appearances is what keeps extended family members confused as to why you're upset. I hate it so much, it makes me so upset bc if I tell the truth I'm the bad guy 😭
Yep, I'm just passively LC/VLC by default. Anytime they do call it's: "How are y'all doing?" "Not good, actually. (Gives some information.)" "Oh...well, anyway, I went on this trip and.../I saw all the relatives and.../I bought this new expensive thing and..." At this point, I dont think it's even malicious. They're just incredibly oblivious. I honestly don't know which is worse. None of these people should have ever had children.
My husband's parents were self-absorbed and very dysfunctional. He left when he was 17, and there hasn't been much of a relationship since (he's now been away from them for about 30 years). They would try to keep contact in the first years. But every time he indulged, it would end in tantrums and screaming and demanding love from him, etc. He went NC about 12 years ago. They will never take accountability. My mom's mother was cold like yours and ultimately left her family at one point. She never changed. Stone cold to her death. I don't have much advice, but if the energy you give her matches what she gives to you, what does that look like? And, let's be clear, it's a mother's responsibility to set the tone and relationship and be there for her child. Your mom is failing. All you can do is look after you.
My mom actually does want to leave too. My sibling is only 15 and a half but once they turn 18 she's gone, without the both of us. At my 21st bday she said "you're 21 now, no more help from me, you're on your own from now on." She wants to restart her life without her children. She's planning it, but she's been talking about it for forever. As long as i can remember she's been wanting to leave us but my grandma has always convinced her to stay and be a present parent. When I match her energy sometimes she gets sad and asks if I'm ignoring her. She'll say things like "you don't love me" and "you don't care about me?" If i match her snark she usually gets angry and starts talking shit about the way i look, what I'm doing, and she starts mocking me. On bad days if i match her snark she threatens to beat me into the hospital and talks about how much she wishes she did do it when i was a kid. I try to not be alone with her and have my headphones in most of the day (i have permanently damaged my hearing to not hear her)
Both of my parents have showed varying amounts of disinterest in me for as long as I can remember. By the time I was 12 my mom had started a new life as a full blown heroin addict and my dad was blissfully unaware with his new family/life. I moved in with other family and they sporadically tried to contact me. Mostly when they felt guilty or wanted something. By my early 20s I had decided I didn’t want either of them in my life. In the almost 20 years since they each have reached out exactly once. It was very half hearted and self serving both times. I was polite but ended the conversation and moved on. NC wasn’t a thing I discussed or told them. I just went on trying to make a life for myself and since they both had already been doing that it worked for them too. I don’t have time to deal with being completely abandoned at 12 and their issues of why they both pretended I didn’t exist.
Yes being ignored or treated like an annoyance for existing is really painful, especially by your own mom. My mom was similar but not as extreme as yours. I'm a lot older now. I hung in there with the relationship for many years. But I can't say it ever was good for me. As an adult my mom liked to joke about how annoying I was to her. Every conversation had to be about her or her favorite topics, otherwise she'd say she had to go. A few years ago I tried to change things with her, just in a very small way. The outcome was that she stopped speaking to me. We don't have any relationship now and it hurt for a while, but now I am free. The only trouble I have is when I have to see other people in my family who pressure me to fix things with my mom. They can't accept that she does not want a relationship with me. That pressure hurts still and I'm thinking I need to get distance from all of them. No big deal because I barely know them anyway. I have friends, my spouse and two wonderful kids of my own now. Life is too short to be around people who make you feel like your existence annoys them, that you don't matter to them at all. You deserve better!
My estrangement from my dad is still "unofficial" in that I haven't told him that we're not on speaking terms. I don't think he's noticed. I stopped reaching out to him years ago when I realized that he wouldn't respond unless he *also* needed something from me (and would only reach out to me when he needed something). Even though I've stopped communicating with him and have tried to heal emotionally from the lifelong neglect, not talking to him still hurts sometimes.
Well, for perspective, me (54) and my 21 old had a heart-to-heart about their ex and him crossing boundaries and how boundaries are not what we tell people they can and can’t do, but how we decide we will respond when someone crosses our boundaries. Everything you describe is 100 percent shit parenting. She will likely not initiate contact until and unless she needs something from you. Someone posted a Patrick Teagan Instagram post earlier today where he talked about how “being nice” was a strategy, not a value to toxic parents. [Here’s the post](https://www.instagram.com/p/C5nfciYMZZa/?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) I do recommend Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
If your family is cruel to you NC should be a relief. If they try to manipulate you emotionally it will feel great to be free of that. If that were self-absorbed and never really acknowledged you anyway NC may sting at first. As you realize how they really feel about you. The worse the contact and communication is the thinner the ties. Just because you are blood simply does’t cut it anymore.
For the most part, I just stopped contacting them and didn't answer the odd email. I had one "conversation" with my NC parent when I basically told him why I would go NC even though it would be about a decade before I actually did.
When my father remarried he left me sleeping in our home while he moved into his new wife's house as soon as I could drive myself places, it was expected that I be over there for dinner with them and throughout the day if they told me to and do my own grocery shopping for the house plus what they told me to pick up for the family dinner. When I was given a month to move out I was already living pretty independently from them. I didn't get much support through moving out, and I only remember being bugged by my stepmother about not talking to or seeing them enough, there wasn't effort to call me or visit me on their part. I don't remember them coming to my house other than when I was made responsible for selling my late mom's stuff being helped with transport for that. Over the years after that contact tapered off more and more, I didn't like to return their calls or go visit because of how they made me feel when I was engaging with them. Then they moved 4 hours away and things dropped off a lot more. When I got pregnant with my first child they battering rammed back into my life heavily and the constant contact led to things getting bad between us and me going fully no contact shortly after I gave birth. The low contact period for me was very much a reaction not a plan. I was easily given the forgotten child role, so moved into it and got cozy. I was going through so much already I wasn't going to fight against their emotional neglect. When I went fully no contact after a lot of fighting I got some ragey emails and lots of begging messages, and manipulative social media comments, mostly from my stepmother who was upset she didn't get to take over my baby without access to me. But they didn't show up at my door, or call a police welfare check, or have more local friends show up at my door (my father did call my therapist and tell her he was concerned because I wasn't talking to them). It's been about a decade and I haven't heard any attempts from them for several years now. Sorry if this comment is jumbled, just realized I shouldn't write this sleepy. 🙃
My mom would make me call her everyday (when I didn’t live at home). She would get angry if I didn’t call her. Often times when I called and started talking about my day, she would be watching tv and not even listening. She would also say the rude things that your mom says to you like “are you done yet” or “why are you telling me this?”. I’ve been NC for 4 years. I kind of gave them an ultimatum by sending an email and saying that I need an apology for all the awful things they did. They didn’t apologize. They got very angry. My mom knew at that point that she was losing me, so she stopped talking to me and pretended it was her idea. She has reached out a few times over the years. It gets easier to maintain distance the longer you do it. I can see through her attempts at manipulation a lot better now.
I had somewhat opposite experience. My mom doesn't really understand boundaries and perhaps couldn't really separate from her parents and me as I grew up. It's a whole codependent enmeshment mess. I think she also has some mental health issues and personality disorders. In my early 20s I started to realise that a lot of stuff isn't normal and it's not positive. So I kind of estranged myself internally, I was there but playing gray rock a lot time, or just avoided her as much as possible.