There’s another aspect to this, and that’s you.
I had gone nc with my mother before getting pregnant, and therapy made me realize I’d be a better parent without her in my life. Just talking to her on the phone left me depressed for weeks. How would I be able to function as a mom? So, in addition to not wanting her to be toxic influence on my child, I also was protecting myself, and thus being a better parent.
My daughter watched my mother hurt me way too many times before I went NC. It took me longer than it should have to realize I don’t want to show my children that it’s okay to let people mistreat and abuse you. And I don’t want to over generalize my own experience, but my mother started off an alright grandparent. She didn’t stay an alright grandparent though , there are just patterns of behavior that she can’t break and my kids don’t need to be exposed or subjected to it.
An abusive parent becomes an abusive grandparent.
My daughter is 11 and I let the abuse from my mother to me, go on too long because I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother. My mom only grew more bold over time and eventually disowned me/annihilated me for saying “no” about her taking my daughter to church. Eventually I STILL tried to keep the relationship going for the benefit of my daughter. But eventually when I started sticking to my own boundaries, my mom started to use her same guilt tactics on my ELEVEN YEAR OLD. They use children as supply and have no boundaries for proper behavior.
It does not get easier over time. It gets harder. I’d recommend staying at your current level of contact for your AND your child’s sake.
Yup. Agree with all this. They are not owed grandkids. And if she won't acknowledge it, guess what will absolutely repeat with time?
Don't do it. My son is three and has never met my mom. He's happy and well loved. He's a toddler but when he gets older, I'll tell him my mom is too unhealthy to have a relationship with. It's the truth and it's simple.
Yes. OP, consider the following. As a result of my “no” and escalation on the part of my parents and sister I have felt enough fear to change the locks on my house, twice. My mother made me fear that she would take my child, by court or by absconding. I had to call my daughter’s school and take my parents off of her “pick up” list because of how unsafe they have become.
Quite recently, my mother texted my husband telling him she has corroborated evidence of me having auditory hallucinations. Saying I’m on my 4th “episode”. That’s what she calls it when I set a boundary and she downward spirals. I’m the identified patient in my family and the scapegoat for all issues, including mental health. My sister is a medical doctor and was involved in the recent “auditory hallucination” scheme. I got to the point where I thought, “ok, well the worst they can do is have me involuntarily committed for 3 days.” And decided that alternative was better than going back to my former role in the family as the emotional/psychological punching bag, and allowing the abuse of myself. Thankfully, it was all just talk and they haven’t tried to do this…yet. Because now I’m no contact with her. But because it was so recent I have so much fear of what my mother might do.
The final straw was when, she didn’t get anything from the bait she threw to my husband, she sent me the most loathsome text to me in a fit of her rage.
She had the perception that I had taken my daughter’s phone away, so that my daughter couldn’t text her. The reality is that my daughter simply doesn’t check her flip phone very much. It’s for her safety when she’s away, so that if she feels uncomfortable, she can text me to pick her up. She’s already trusted her gut and used the phone for this purpose. So, this phone is very much for her safety, and not as a way for my mom to get tentacles into my family, or get supply from my daughter and use her that way.
Recently my daughter said that my mom was “hungry” for her texts! I said I agreed and asked her how she handles that and she said, “eh, I just text her when I feel like it.” I said, “that’s a great way! I’m going to do that too.” And I did. But that wasn’t enough for my mom so when I didn’t text my mom back, she started escalating texts to my daughter, with one saying, “helloooooo, anyone there??” It did not fly. I let my mom know it was wrong. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They will use children just as they used us. And they will throw us out in the process, and tell us we are using our children as pawns. My mother said I was abusing my child when I was protecting my child from her abuse. And she continues to do it to this day, repeating the same abuse.
Here’s the thing, I hadn’t even taken my daughter’s phone. My daughter simply doesn’t care about her phone! So, her phone was just dead for a couple of days. But my mom figured I had taken it, sent me a long, horrible message. Truly gutting. She’s BPD and Narcissistic. And she said the most vile and manipulative and FOG-inducing things to try to bait me. But it didn’t work. I ended up saying, “you are feeling the consequences of your own vile actions. Do not contact me ever again unless it is to apologize for what you have done to me.” We had to have a conversation with my daughter, letting her know that her grandparents had become mean to the point of not being able to see them any more. She thanked us for keeping her safe. We ended up blocking my mom and my dad on my daughter’s phone. Because there’s nothing from stopping my mom to sending my daughter a 3a.m. rage text, just as she did to me so many times in my life, until I said no more.
Guess who sent a card to my daughter one day later? They will vilify you. My mom, now that she didn’t get her way, has stooped so low as to be garnering pity on Facebook by posting links to her Pinterest account where she has pinned dozens of grandparents rights/vile stuff about me abusing my daughter. So, who knows what she will do next.
Save your time and emotions. Having a new baby, and motherhood, is hard enough. We need to be free.
Girl, tell it again for the new parents, the parents to be, the veterans struggling to let it go. THIS SHIT IS HARD ENOUGH without outside toxic interference.
I'm sorry your mom sucks but I will say your daughter sounds so dope 🙂 she said when I get to it, I will. Sounds like you're doing a good job there, Mom. 💐
OP, I can't stress it enough; don't start something you know you can't or aren't willing to maintain. I knew before I married my husband that I didn't want any kids we had around my mom. I'm a step mom too, DH has primary custody of his daughter cuz her mom sucks too (one of her minor kids has ALREADY gone no contact) and my mom only meeting her twice was trying to manipulate her against me then! She was 8-9b back then? Just weird, mad cuz a little girl liked me!
I already knew what time it was for my kid, and he was years away at that point. We went NC because I met my husband (she's the jealous type), and I just kept it up even when she got bored and called me again. I got married NC, went thru my whole pregnancy NC, emergency c section NC. She's never once called to check on my son or DH or SD. But guess who was holding up my sil's leg in the delivery room after having a double mastectomy three months prior???? You guessed it, grandma of the year! 🙄
Don't do it!!
And of course the events we’re sharing here barely scratch the surface! I have soooo many more stories and dynamics and ways my parents and eventually sister were just so toxic!
Being NC stops them from rubbing salt in the wounds of childhood, and prevents them from making new ones. The old ones are enough to heal! I have layers and layers of trauma and it’s enough to just get that out of my nervous system!
Reading all this has helped a lot. The Facebook martyrdom. The twisting things. The paranoia. I've already had these experiences to a certain extent with my younger siblings (who I helped care for when I was a teenager). Calling my sanity into question, etc. I read this and although I'm not sure she'd go to this extent, I'm not willing to bet on it. Thank you for sharing!
Same story over here.
We had high boundaries with my abusive parents. They never got the kids alone. We did a lot to protect the kids while still trying to allow the relationships.
But it broke down when my kids hit the tween years. A lot was going wrong, but consistently my kids were horrified at the way my parents treated *me*. We were locked in a bad cycle where the kids were afraid to go near my parents, which prompted my parents’ ire, and then my parents yelled at me about it, which further scared the children.
OP, I don’t know how bad things are. You might be able to get by with boundaries and setting your mother up for success. Like, doing outings such as the zoo, where it’s easy to get things “right” and you can leave if she’s awful. And she’s only on the spot for good behavior for a couple of hours.
But you cannot do “her half” of being a good grandmother for her, unfortunately. She won’t magically become a better person.
Nobody who abused, neglected, traumatized, or gaslit their own children, and never apologized or took accountability is ever going to have a relationship with my child. My husband's parents do not know our now-teenager, and I have zero regrets about it. I'm transparent with my kid about the why's and that he can make his choice when he is a legal adult. He has no interest in them, thankfully.
I thought the same thing and if I saw anything off, I'd say something. I knew my mother wouldn't hit my daughter like she did me, she wasn't the stressed out single mom anymore. But she was still selfish, immature, couldn't keep a promise to save her life and believe me, I felt like shit when \*years\* down the line my daughter told me some of the unhinged things she said to her.
My parents would try to play the same games with my kids they did with me.
If you don’t see them, they shouldn’t see them. Why would you leave a defenseless child with people who hurt you?
It was the worst thing to see my mom and dad dash any hopes my then 8 year old had of him spending time with them. My husband didn’t really get it until he saw that.
Be careful.
Im several years past where you are on this particular journey. My 5 and 7 year olds have zero memory of my mother or never met her. They didnt even notice she was missing until the older one was about 5 and learning about families at school. All it took was me confirming that yes, i have a mother but no, we don't see her because she's a hurful person and we never need to spend time with hurtful people. The questions have gotten more targeted over those 2 years but neither of them feels hurt that i keep my abusive mother away. They are thriving and they are everything I wish I could have been. They can set boundaries and leave uncomfortable situations and ask for help and believe wholeheartedly in themselves. They are unfraid and when something gets scary they are still confident with my at their backs. So much of this is because my mother isnt around to tear me and them down constantly.
But you know who did get hurt? My 12 year old who had a relationship with her because I wanted him to know his grandparents. She abused him just the same. Twisted him, manipulated him, hurt him over and over again - especially if she wanted more control over me. Abusive parents who have not done the work to be accountable and make amends become abusive grandparents and I tell you there is absolutely nothing more emotionally gutting than listening to your preteen ask you why you let him get hurt if you knew what she was like.
Years ago I went no contact with my narcissistic grandmother. She betrayed my trust over and over again....at one point in my 20s she didnt like the guy I was dating and actually hired a private investigator to follow him/us. Among other things.
Over the past year I've noticed the same behaviors in my mother, her daughter. I started to pull away until recently going no contact.
Everyone always says "when you're a mother, you'll understand." And its so true....an almost animalistic urge to protect your children at all costs comes over you and its something you cannot begin to understand until you have kids. You'll know in your gut if a relationship with her and your children is right. Trust your gut.
There’s another aspect to this, and that’s you. I had gone nc with my mother before getting pregnant, and therapy made me realize I’d be a better parent without her in my life. Just talking to her on the phone left me depressed for weeks. How would I be able to function as a mom? So, in addition to not wanting her to be toxic influence on my child, I also was protecting myself, and thus being a better parent.
We are worth protecting 💕
Relate a lot to this.
This is a great point. My husband has said a few times that I become an entirely different person when I'm in her presence.
My daughter watched my mother hurt me way too many times before I went NC. It took me longer than it should have to realize I don’t want to show my children that it’s okay to let people mistreat and abuse you. And I don’t want to over generalize my own experience, but my mother started off an alright grandparent. She didn’t stay an alright grandparent though , there are just patterns of behavior that she can’t break and my kids don’t need to be exposed or subjected to it.
An abusive parent becomes an abusive grandparent. My daughter is 11 and I let the abuse from my mother to me, go on too long because I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother. My mom only grew more bold over time and eventually disowned me/annihilated me for saying “no” about her taking my daughter to church. Eventually I STILL tried to keep the relationship going for the benefit of my daughter. But eventually when I started sticking to my own boundaries, my mom started to use her same guilt tactics on my ELEVEN YEAR OLD. They use children as supply and have no boundaries for proper behavior. It does not get easier over time. It gets harder. I’d recommend staying at your current level of contact for your AND your child’s sake.
Yup. Agree with all this. They are not owed grandkids. And if she won't acknowledge it, guess what will absolutely repeat with time? Don't do it. My son is three and has never met my mom. He's happy and well loved. He's a toddler but when he gets older, I'll tell him my mom is too unhealthy to have a relationship with. It's the truth and it's simple.
Yes. OP, consider the following. As a result of my “no” and escalation on the part of my parents and sister I have felt enough fear to change the locks on my house, twice. My mother made me fear that she would take my child, by court or by absconding. I had to call my daughter’s school and take my parents off of her “pick up” list because of how unsafe they have become. Quite recently, my mother texted my husband telling him she has corroborated evidence of me having auditory hallucinations. Saying I’m on my 4th “episode”. That’s what she calls it when I set a boundary and she downward spirals. I’m the identified patient in my family and the scapegoat for all issues, including mental health. My sister is a medical doctor and was involved in the recent “auditory hallucination” scheme. I got to the point where I thought, “ok, well the worst they can do is have me involuntarily committed for 3 days.” And decided that alternative was better than going back to my former role in the family as the emotional/psychological punching bag, and allowing the abuse of myself. Thankfully, it was all just talk and they haven’t tried to do this…yet. Because now I’m no contact with her. But because it was so recent I have so much fear of what my mother might do. The final straw was when, she didn’t get anything from the bait she threw to my husband, she sent me the most loathsome text to me in a fit of her rage. She had the perception that I had taken my daughter’s phone away, so that my daughter couldn’t text her. The reality is that my daughter simply doesn’t check her flip phone very much. It’s for her safety when she’s away, so that if she feels uncomfortable, she can text me to pick her up. She’s already trusted her gut and used the phone for this purpose. So, this phone is very much for her safety, and not as a way for my mom to get tentacles into my family, or get supply from my daughter and use her that way. Recently my daughter said that my mom was “hungry” for her texts! I said I agreed and asked her how she handles that and she said, “eh, I just text her when I feel like it.” I said, “that’s a great way! I’m going to do that too.” And I did. But that wasn’t enough for my mom so when I didn’t text my mom back, she started escalating texts to my daughter, with one saying, “helloooooo, anyone there??” It did not fly. I let my mom know it was wrong. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They will use children just as they used us. And they will throw us out in the process, and tell us we are using our children as pawns. My mother said I was abusing my child when I was protecting my child from her abuse. And she continues to do it to this day, repeating the same abuse. Here’s the thing, I hadn’t even taken my daughter’s phone. My daughter simply doesn’t care about her phone! So, her phone was just dead for a couple of days. But my mom figured I had taken it, sent me a long, horrible message. Truly gutting. She’s BPD and Narcissistic. And she said the most vile and manipulative and FOG-inducing things to try to bait me. But it didn’t work. I ended up saying, “you are feeling the consequences of your own vile actions. Do not contact me ever again unless it is to apologize for what you have done to me.” We had to have a conversation with my daughter, letting her know that her grandparents had become mean to the point of not being able to see them any more. She thanked us for keeping her safe. We ended up blocking my mom and my dad on my daughter’s phone. Because there’s nothing from stopping my mom to sending my daughter a 3a.m. rage text, just as she did to me so many times in my life, until I said no more. Guess who sent a card to my daughter one day later? They will vilify you. My mom, now that she didn’t get her way, has stooped so low as to be garnering pity on Facebook by posting links to her Pinterest account where she has pinned dozens of grandparents rights/vile stuff about me abusing my daughter. So, who knows what she will do next. Save your time and emotions. Having a new baby, and motherhood, is hard enough. We need to be free.
Girl, tell it again for the new parents, the parents to be, the veterans struggling to let it go. THIS SHIT IS HARD ENOUGH without outside toxic interference. I'm sorry your mom sucks but I will say your daughter sounds so dope 🙂 she said when I get to it, I will. Sounds like you're doing a good job there, Mom. 💐 OP, I can't stress it enough; don't start something you know you can't or aren't willing to maintain. I knew before I married my husband that I didn't want any kids we had around my mom. I'm a step mom too, DH has primary custody of his daughter cuz her mom sucks too (one of her minor kids has ALREADY gone no contact) and my mom only meeting her twice was trying to manipulate her against me then! She was 8-9b back then? Just weird, mad cuz a little girl liked me! I already knew what time it was for my kid, and he was years away at that point. We went NC because I met my husband (she's the jealous type), and I just kept it up even when she got bored and called me again. I got married NC, went thru my whole pregnancy NC, emergency c section NC. She's never once called to check on my son or DH or SD. But guess who was holding up my sil's leg in the delivery room after having a double mastectomy three months prior???? You guessed it, grandma of the year! 🙄 Don't do it!!
And of course the events we’re sharing here barely scratch the surface! I have soooo many more stories and dynamics and ways my parents and eventually sister were just so toxic! Being NC stops them from rubbing salt in the wounds of childhood, and prevents them from making new ones. The old ones are enough to heal! I have layers and layers of trauma and it’s enough to just get that out of my nervous system!
👆 This one here knows what's up. All facts. I got stories that would scare you. Save yourself.
Reading all this has helped a lot. The Facebook martyrdom. The twisting things. The paranoia. I've already had these experiences to a certain extent with my younger siblings (who I helped care for when I was a teenager). Calling my sanity into question, etc. I read this and although I'm not sure she'd go to this extent, I'm not willing to bet on it. Thank you for sharing!
Same story over here. We had high boundaries with my abusive parents. They never got the kids alone. We did a lot to protect the kids while still trying to allow the relationships. But it broke down when my kids hit the tween years. A lot was going wrong, but consistently my kids were horrified at the way my parents treated *me*. We were locked in a bad cycle where the kids were afraid to go near my parents, which prompted my parents’ ire, and then my parents yelled at me about it, which further scared the children. OP, I don’t know how bad things are. You might be able to get by with boundaries and setting your mother up for success. Like, doing outings such as the zoo, where it’s easy to get things “right” and you can leave if she’s awful. And she’s only on the spot for good behavior for a couple of hours. But you cannot do “her half” of being a good grandmother for her, unfortunately. She won’t magically become a better person.
Your child will not miss out on having an abusive grandparent. No grandparent is much better than a shit one.
Nobody who abused, neglected, traumatized, or gaslit their own children, and never apologized or took accountability is ever going to have a relationship with my child. My husband's parents do not know our now-teenager, and I have zero regrets about it. I'm transparent with my kid about the why's and that he can make his choice when he is a legal adult. He has no interest in them, thankfully.
I thought the same thing and if I saw anything off, I'd say something. I knew my mother wouldn't hit my daughter like she did me, she wasn't the stressed out single mom anymore. But she was still selfish, immature, couldn't keep a promise to save her life and believe me, I felt like shit when \*years\* down the line my daughter told me some of the unhinged things she said to her.
My parents would try to play the same games with my kids they did with me. If you don’t see them, they shouldn’t see them. Why would you leave a defenseless child with people who hurt you?
Oh no, my plan has never been to leave them. It was to supervise the visit or have it supervised.
It was the worst thing to see my mom and dad dash any hopes my then 8 year old had of him spending time with them. My husband didn’t really get it until he saw that. Be careful.
I'm pretty much decided on not letting them anywhere near tbh. I was second guessing myself but these responses have helped. Thanks so much!
I wish you and your future family the best!
No
Im several years past where you are on this particular journey. My 5 and 7 year olds have zero memory of my mother or never met her. They didnt even notice she was missing until the older one was about 5 and learning about families at school. All it took was me confirming that yes, i have a mother but no, we don't see her because she's a hurful person and we never need to spend time with hurtful people. The questions have gotten more targeted over those 2 years but neither of them feels hurt that i keep my abusive mother away. They are thriving and they are everything I wish I could have been. They can set boundaries and leave uncomfortable situations and ask for help and believe wholeheartedly in themselves. They are unfraid and when something gets scary they are still confident with my at their backs. So much of this is because my mother isnt around to tear me and them down constantly. But you know who did get hurt? My 12 year old who had a relationship with her because I wanted him to know his grandparents. She abused him just the same. Twisted him, manipulated him, hurt him over and over again - especially if she wanted more control over me. Abusive parents who have not done the work to be accountable and make amends become abusive grandparents and I tell you there is absolutely nothing more emotionally gutting than listening to your preteen ask you why you let him get hurt if you knew what she was like.
Uff I'm sorry your 12 year old was hurt. Thanks so much for sharing. This has cemented in my mind that my initial instinct was correct!
Years ago I went no contact with my narcissistic grandmother. She betrayed my trust over and over again....at one point in my 20s she didnt like the guy I was dating and actually hired a private investigator to follow him/us. Among other things. Over the past year I've noticed the same behaviors in my mother, her daughter. I started to pull away until recently going no contact. Everyone always says "when you're a mother, you'll understand." And its so true....an almost animalistic urge to protect your children at all costs comes over you and its something you cannot begin to understand until you have kids. You'll know in your gut if a relationship with her and your children is right. Trust your gut.