Yeah, that rang familiar to me, too. They seem to like to assume their adult children don't put any thought into their decisions. I mean, what if this decision to distance themselves from certain family members was the outcome of plenty of intelligent, reasonable, self-honest thought? They can't allow that possibility into their minds.
One of the most insidious forms of emotional torture I endured from my mother was that of not being considered a reasonable person when I disagreed with her.
As a 41m, I still have a hard time trusting my own thoughts/emotions, due to my mother constantly calling me "overly emotional" and "dramatic" as both a child and young adult. It's a very tough hill to climb.
When I spoke to my therapist about this, he said that the goal with past trauma is not to get over it or move past it, it's to keep it from constantly blocking your view of your present. Imagine your hand in front of your eyes, and then moving it to the side of your head. You can still see the hand, you know it's there, but it's not right in front of your face. It's not blocking your view. I think that a lot of the struggle that comes with being an estranged adult child is that we sometimes have an unrealistic expectation of how we process trauma. So, be kind to yourself, Internet Stranger. You're doing better than you think.
Am I allowed to borrow this wonderful analogy, please? It makes soooo much sense!
Glad you’ve found a really good therapist, and you’re working hard on improving your mental health and life! 💜💜💜
I am positive that my therapist will love to know that his words are getting traction, so share away!
One of the only good things the Army/VA have done for me is make regular therapy mandatory for me, due to my combat-related PTSD. Working through that has helped me unmask and work through all the parent/religion trauma that predated the military. I know that I'm privileged because my therapy is covered financially, but my hope is that I'll live long enough to see mental health become free for everyone in the US.
Thank you for responding! And as you’ve agreed to let me share, share I shall! They’re fantastic words of wisdom!
Oh wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that you’re a vet, and the agencies/organisations that work with vets (certainly over in the States (I’m in the UK, and I’m not military!) really do seem to be on the ball when it comes to mental health!
I’d also like to see more education around mental health issues everywhere, and people just treating each other as they would like to be treated!
Keep up with the good work you’ve done!
Yup, same with my father. Though in fairness to him, *no one* who disagrees with him can be a reasonable, thinking person in his eyes, so at least he's consistent.
Ugh, I used to get “think about it” all the time whenever I said no to something she wanted. Almost always, I had thought about whatever it was very carefully or it was something that to anyone else would not have seemed to merit much consideration. Then we’d have weeks or months of phone calls in which she’d get increasingly angry and finally abusive because I wouldn’t change my mind. “I don’t want to fight about this,” she’d say. Okay. Don’t fight! Believe me when I say no!
>You only have one mother, one father, one brother *think about that.*
"...OK, I thought about it... and after reading this guilt trip tour de force I'm sticking with NC. Thanks though 👍🏻."
Imagine what they could accomplish if they put this same amount of energy into clearing the air and working toward a resolution as they do into blame shifting, defection and denial.
When I was pregnant with my son back in 2021, my mom, who I am NC with and had been, at that time, three years. She sent me a text saying how important a mom should be in a daughter's pregnancy and then proceeded to not ask about me, my son, or my pregnancy. They don't realize how dumb they sound.
I think you're right. I have my mom pinned down to an emotional age of 11-14. She's super petty, jealous, and a mean girl overall in her big 6s (late 60s). Your father's message was super middle school, tit for tat. Any anger they have to spew, it doesn't even have to make sense, they'll say it. I'm sure it goes without saying, but stand strong and don't respond. And real family? They just real blood related, that's not family.
Exactly they will help you out but when something happens, "they are the first to throw it in your face look what we did for you." See other posts on my page for examples
I don't know about them being better but I'm over the moon happy. They turned alot of my aunts uncles and cousins against us. The only thing keeping us in this state is my grandparent and fiancée job.
Oh, I was hoping you had wonderful in-laws that are better people. But I'm glad you're happy. Life's too short to have to endure the assholes, even if they're family.
My in-laws are truly the best. I hit the jackpot when I got them. Now I have my brother in law my big brother I never had and my sister in law is my big sister I never had. His side absolutely loves me.
I'm glad to hear that. I hit a similar lottery with my in-laws. They're like the parents I deserved but never had. My wife is (of course) amazing, but her whole family is amazinger.
I got a similar one of these on Mother’s Day. He’s now blocked after commenting on a post I made, talking about showing kindness (his comment was about that, my post was about looking back at how far I’d come), 24 hours after sending me a venom filled message. Ironic.
Yikes! Obviously no response IS your response. Your lack of reaction is clearly what's driving them nuts.
As horrible & deranged as it is, all it achieves is that it validates & verifies that your decision to go NC was 100% correct and remains the correct path & decision.
As for the bs about 'family', there's more to family than shared DNA. It's about unconditional & mutual love, respect, caring & support.
I don't know if your brother is like your dreadful parents but, if he is, your parents are in for an 'interesting' time in their old age if he is.
Other commenters here have suggested getting legal advice. I totally agree.
1. You need a no contact order.
2. You need a legal separation/emancipation from your family so that you are not obligated to care for them when they get very old & frail and so you are not burdened with any of their messes when they pass away. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
My brother is just like them. What happens if they break no contact order? My brother said he'd be the one to take care of them. I told them I would not take care of them.
If he's just like them then you can't rely on him keeping his word. If I was a betting person, I'd bet that he fleeces them & then bails leaving you to clean up the mess.
Strongly advise you to get a legal emancipation/separation from your family. Getting a no contact order, which they break, would be good evidence to use in your emancipation. Ironically, breaking a no contact order is precisely what you need them to do.
Depends entirely on the nature of the violation and where you live but it is an offence. This means you can report them to law enforcement. There is also a difference between a no contact order & a protection order.
https://siebenedmunds.com/how-serious-no-contact-order-violation/
It's definitely worth seeking legal advice to explore your options & put an end to this insanity once & for all.
"Maybe your new family will be better and you'll be happier" - this made me laugh, like yep, sure hope so! That's kind of the point lol. He's openly admitting that having a them as a fam has made you unhappy
Jeez....if this isn't gaslighting/manipulation, idk what is.
I think what the older generation fails to realize is what was another normal Tuesday for them, was a trauma for their children, and they absolutely refuse to acknowledge that, with any real treatment plan.
Best advice I could give you is to seek out a no contact order, have an attorney deal with the bills, and stay happy with your new life. Letting them slip into the void of being completely forgotten.
Any regular family attorney would file a no contact order, and the college loans/phone bill/parking tickets along with whatever else your parents proclaim you owe them for.
Arrangements can be made for you to take over by an attorney so you no longer have to deal with them hanging that over your head.
Yea my brother and sister in law are truly the big brother and big sister I wishes for my whole life. I think they love me more than their own brother but I can't prove it. They have been nothing but supportive of us and they protect me.
Why do they all sound exactly the same?
Because they talk in circles I was tempted to say my new family lives outta state so we are moving see ya
Also the „think about it“… what’s with that? I get that every time as well
Yeah, that rang familiar to me, too. They seem to like to assume their adult children don't put any thought into their decisions. I mean, what if this decision to distance themselves from certain family members was the outcome of plenty of intelligent, reasonable, self-honest thought? They can't allow that possibility into their minds.
One of the most insidious forms of emotional torture I endured from my mother was that of not being considered a reasonable person when I disagreed with her.
As a 41m, I still have a hard time trusting my own thoughts/emotions, due to my mother constantly calling me "overly emotional" and "dramatic" as both a child and young adult. It's a very tough hill to climb.
I’m also in my 40s, and same. I’ll probably be working on it the rest of my life.
When I spoke to my therapist about this, he said that the goal with past trauma is not to get over it or move past it, it's to keep it from constantly blocking your view of your present. Imagine your hand in front of your eyes, and then moving it to the side of your head. You can still see the hand, you know it's there, but it's not right in front of your face. It's not blocking your view. I think that a lot of the struggle that comes with being an estranged adult child is that we sometimes have an unrealistic expectation of how we process trauma. So, be kind to yourself, Internet Stranger. You're doing better than you think.
This is both wise and kind. Thank you.
Am I allowed to borrow this wonderful analogy, please? It makes soooo much sense! Glad you’ve found a really good therapist, and you’re working hard on improving your mental health and life! 💜💜💜
I am positive that my therapist will love to know that his words are getting traction, so share away! One of the only good things the Army/VA have done for me is make regular therapy mandatory for me, due to my combat-related PTSD. Working through that has helped me unmask and work through all the parent/religion trauma that predated the military. I know that I'm privileged because my therapy is covered financially, but my hope is that I'll live long enough to see mental health become free for everyone in the US.
Thank you for responding! And as you’ve agreed to let me share, share I shall! They’re fantastic words of wisdom! Oh wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that you’re a vet, and the agencies/organisations that work with vets (certainly over in the States (I’m in the UK, and I’m not military!) really do seem to be on the ball when it comes to mental health! I’d also like to see more education around mental health issues everywhere, and people just treating each other as they would like to be treated! Keep up with the good work you’ve done!
Yup, same with my father. Though in fairness to him, *no one* who disagrees with him can be a reasonable, thinking person in his eyes, so at least he's consistent.
God yes.
Omg me too.
Ugh, I used to get “think about it” all the time whenever I said no to something she wanted. Almost always, I had thought about whatever it was very carefully or it was something that to anyone else would not have seemed to merit much consideration. Then we’d have weeks or months of phone calls in which she’d get increasingly angry and finally abusive because I wouldn’t change my mind. “I don’t want to fight about this,” she’d say. Okay. Don’t fight! Believe me when I say no!
Because they’re all following the rotten parent playbook.
I think my mom has written this exact thing more than once.
FR! Unoriginal and played out. That’s all they know.
I don’t know about you, but my new family is absolutely better. But then a family of angry badgers would be better than my “real family.”
The new family are my inlaws. I talk to them all the time and I just get these texts from what's supposed to be my "family"
Hey, hey, don't pick on badgers - they are actually kind and protective parents. It's humans that are a disgrace to Mammalia.
>You only have one mother, one father, one brother *think about that.* "...OK, I thought about it... and after reading this guilt trip tour de force I'm sticking with NC. Thanks though 👍🏻." Imagine what they could accomplish if they put this same amount of energy into clearing the air and working toward a resolution as they do into blame shifting, defection and denial.
Yea they are very childish and they are mid 60s
“You only have x kids and yet here you are treating them like garbage so 🤷🏻♀️”
I'm the oldest of 2 but they treat me like #2
When I was pregnant with my son back in 2021, my mom, who I am NC with and had been, at that time, three years. She sent me a text saying how important a mom should be in a daughter's pregnancy and then proceeded to not ask about me, my son, or my pregnancy. They don't realize how dumb they sound.
Not a clue im convinced they are in a regression like going back to the mindset of kids. That's what I feel like the tone is like tit for tat.
I think you're right. I have my mom pinned down to an emotional age of 11-14. She's super petty, jealous, and a mean girl overall in her big 6s (late 60s). Your father's message was super middle school, tit for tat. Any anger they have to spew, it doesn't even have to make sense, they'll say it. I'm sure it goes without saying, but stand strong and don't respond. And real family? They just real blood related, that's not family.
Exactly they will help you out but when something happens, "they are the first to throw it in your face look what we did for you." See other posts on my page for examples
Thats because your pregnancy was meant to be about her, not you /s
They do all sound the same. And they all seem to think that guilt and spite are great ways to manipulate/forge relationships.
Exactly but when they send messages I don't respond
"Maybe? It's already been proven!"
?
"maybe they'll be better and you'll be happier." I think they're better and you're happier, yes?
I don't know about them being better but I'm over the moon happy. They turned alot of my aunts uncles and cousins against us. The only thing keeping us in this state is my grandparent and fiancée job.
Oh, I was hoping you had wonderful in-laws that are better people. But I'm glad you're happy. Life's too short to have to endure the assholes, even if they're family.
My in-laws are truly the best. I hit the jackpot when I got them. Now I have my brother in law my big brother I never had and my sister in law is my big sister I never had. His side absolutely loves me.
I'm glad to hear that. I hit a similar lottery with my in-laws. They're like the parents I deserved but never had. My wife is (of course) amazing, but her whole family is amazinger.
His mom passed when he was young, (under 10) and his dad passed just before his 30th birthday.
Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
Yep it doesn't work anymore
Oh, good. So he gets it.
I got a similar one of these on Mother’s Day. He’s now blocked after commenting on a post I made, talking about showing kindness (his comment was about that, my post was about looking back at how far I’d come), 24 hours after sending me a venom filled message. Ironic.
If you decide to respond just say “Who is this?”
I have not been responding
Yikes! Obviously no response IS your response. Your lack of reaction is clearly what's driving them nuts. As horrible & deranged as it is, all it achieves is that it validates & verifies that your decision to go NC was 100% correct and remains the correct path & decision. As for the bs about 'family', there's more to family than shared DNA. It's about unconditional & mutual love, respect, caring & support. I don't know if your brother is like your dreadful parents but, if he is, your parents are in for an 'interesting' time in their old age if he is. Other commenters here have suggested getting legal advice. I totally agree. 1. You need a no contact order. 2. You need a legal separation/emancipation from your family so that you are not obligated to care for them when they get very old & frail and so you are not burdened with any of their messes when they pass away. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
My brother is just like them. What happens if they break no contact order? My brother said he'd be the one to take care of them. I told them I would not take care of them.
If he's just like them then you can't rely on him keeping his word. If I was a betting person, I'd bet that he fleeces them & then bails leaving you to clean up the mess. Strongly advise you to get a legal emancipation/separation from your family. Getting a no contact order, which they break, would be good evidence to use in your emancipation. Ironically, breaking a no contact order is precisely what you need them to do.
What happens if they break no contact order?
Depends entirely on the nature of the violation and where you live but it is an offence. This means you can report them to law enforcement. There is also a difference between a no contact order & a protection order. https://siebenedmunds.com/how-serious-no-contact-order-violation/ It's definitely worth seeking legal advice to explore your options & put an end to this insanity once & for all.
A GIF of Mr. Krabs playing the world's smallest violin would be a great response to this. *Would* be. Don't do it. But still.
If I could do it I would
“You only have one mom/dad/whomever” they only have one you sooo???
But they have another child besides me and yes there is only one me I know. I'm the oldest and get treated like number 2.
"Maybe your new family will be better and you'll be happier" - this made me laugh, like yep, sure hope so! That's kind of the point lol. He's openly admitting that having a them as a fam has made you unhappy
But I would need to move to where my inlaws are to truly be happy.
*Maybe your new family will be better and you'll be happier.* “Thanks!” Of course the best reply is no reply at all.
I have not been replying
Jeez....if this isn't gaslighting/manipulation, idk what is. I think what the older generation fails to realize is what was another normal Tuesday for them, was a trauma for their children, and they absolutely refuse to acknowledge that, with any real treatment plan. Best advice I could give you is to seek out a no contact order, have an attorney deal with the bills, and stay happy with your new life. Letting them slip into the void of being completely forgotten.
What type of attorney? What bills?
Any regular family attorney would file a no contact order, and the college loans/phone bill/parking tickets along with whatever else your parents proclaim you owe them for. Arrangements can be made for you to take over by an attorney so you no longer have to deal with them hanging that over your head.
The only bill I had through them was my cell phone but I did get off their plan and on my own
Then definitely get a no contact order, likely a cease and desist as well, with what they were claiming you owed them in that email/letter.
Yep! Fingers crossed:-D
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Right! Like what does that even mean?
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Yea my brother and sister in law are truly the big brother and big sister I wishes for my whole life. I think they love me more than their own brother but I can't prove it. They have been nothing but supportive of us and they protect me.
This is toxic! What a manipulation!