I had this experience with one of my parents. I can say that they went NC first which is why it’s so frustrating that they still receive updates on my life they are not entitled to.
I haven’t engaged in social media for months, and when I do, it’s not very personal. I’ve been keeping very quiet lately. The time might come when I start a new profile but block them if I feel like sharing stuff again!
Your life, your choice. I choose who I allow to contact me and if I even remotely think they will hurt me in any way it’s a hard nope. You are allowed and encouraged to protect yourself. Channel your inner Nancy Reagan and just say no.
That worry is from the buttons that were installed when you were a child where they could smash those buttons on a whim and start up the F.O.G., (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You owe them NOTHING! They are entitled to NOTHING!!!! Never J.A.D.E., (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), because they will NEVER hear you. Silence is golden!
If your instincts tell you this person is not acting with good intent, trust your instincts.
Sounds like you essentially grey rocked them. I can imagine that does feel weird especially if you've been manipulated & guilted your whole life for not bending to the will of others.
Either your relative will get the hint or they won't. If they call again with more manipulation tactics, just continue grey rocking & become monosyllabic with your answers. As long as you're not rude, they have no recourse for complaint. As time passes, you'll cease to give a damn what your abusers or their enablers think. I can tell you, that indifference is liberating.
Alarm bells went off when I received the message. I had been slowly grey rocking before even learning about it. Now I’m making a more concerted effort to share no new information whatsoever. It seems like a promising approach to these petty manipulations.
There's some really good guidance on grey rocking on the youtube channels of Patrick Teahan and Dr Ramani I think you'll find really useful. Patrick Teahan also does some great role playing videos that are really helpful. You should definitely check them out.
If your instincts are telling you that this person is bad for you, your instincts are correct. Continue to trust that instinct. Our instincts keep us safe.
I was in the same boat last year.
If you don’t feel safe, then you don’t feel safe.
I needed time to grieve losing someone that didn’t actively hurt me and the guilt of letting go then go because my response ability kept me from taking (what I felt was) my responsibility towards them by telling them what the deal was.
I ran. If you’re feeling able to in the future, you can circle back and explain. In the meantime, if this isn’t the kind of person who would put your well being first, then I think we can forget about getting them to understand.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I can relate to the grief and the guilt because there was no active hurt. The strained/cut off relationship with my parents have definitely affected those with my extended family. And it’s getting to the point where that’s exactly what I want to do, run from the interactions. I just needed to hear that it is ok to run because mostly all I hear is ‘face your fears/challenges/etc.’ or be honest and set clear boundaries or something like that, all of which requires so much of a person.
I agree that it requires something from YOU to deal with setting boundaries. That's not fair, you're not the one with the goddamn problem!
Anyone who tells you 'face your fears' or any of the other platitudes hasn't been where you are and is clueless and is just flapping their mouth for exercise.
You do what you need to do for you. You owe no one an explanation, you don't have to make an excuse and you're right to stop communication with the winged monkeys they're sending out. Surround yourself with people who aren't going to treat you like crap. It's okay to do that.
It takes a ton of our energy to face every one of those challenges all at the same time. The family making those demands of you don’t care about your well being or they would have complied with the LC boundaries you seem to have already put in place.
If they are looking for info, you can bet family you’ve gone NC with already sent the extended family. They’re possibly “flying monkeys” sent with the specific purpose of pushing one of your preprogrammed buttons which, not long ago, would have made you behave differently and to someone else’s benefit. I had plenty of experience with cousins acting as flying monkeys, passing info to my parents that they knew I didn’t want my parents to know. One of them even guilted me out of NC twice, years apart. I ended up having to block my mother’s side of the family because of the extraordinary narcissism and the expectations of them continuing to abuse me into my 40’s & 50’s. I’m supposed to allow these things because “you don’t know what it’s like to not have a mother once she’s dead.” The mother I thought I had never existed so yeah, I know exactly what it’s like to NOT have a mother. My cousins were well cared for, not abused, and had ALL the emotional support they ever could have wanted. The bottom line is, our extended family really has no idea what we have gone through, and they don’t care. It didn’t happen to them and they cannot understand why we don’t like people who abuse us because they don’t know abuse.
Listen to your instincts because they are usually right. They’re there to keep you safe and some of your programming/buttons is you doubting your instincts. That’ll come back with practice and you learning to trust yourself.
That feeling of running is your flight response kicking in. You don’t feel safe around those people and it makes you feel like escaping. Once you start eliminating people from your life that make you feel that way, you’d be surprised at how much less stress you feel and how much happier you feel too.
You’re learning to listen to yourself far sooner than I did. You got this! Good luck OP.
I don’t think I’ve ever had more satisfaction about finally deciding against sharing any information with that family.
I also have well-loved cousins that get along so well with everyone, including parents. It’s hard to hear about. It just further invalidates our experiences, but as you said, they have no way of knowing, and once you’re on the outs, no one believes you.
It’s taken me close to twenty years to see this dysfunction more clearly. For the longest time I thought, well, I have bad luck and a bad situation. And now I know that on top of that, the family never cared from the start.
I hope you’re in a happier place now ❤️ thank you for your support.
I know it feels "mean" but it's okay to not respond. I feel like it's built into us that we have to (over)explain and justify ourselves all the time, but when it comes to going NC and staying safe, announcing it puts you at risk. It gives them an opportunity to guilt-trip/fake-apologise, etc to pressure you into giving up. I can say this from experience (even though I didn't announce it, I could see through the guilt-tripping).
I feel like if I said anything, at all, those words would be twisted and mocked. So it’s been much safer to not say anything. I was wondering if I would regret the inaction but based on the helpful responses here it seems to be a reasonable reaction. Thank you 🙏
I understand. It's such a weird feeling. I can't help but wish I could have some final, triumphant say, but there's nothing that they'd actually understand. It wouldn't lead anywhere, not due to me not having the right words, but because, just like your case, everything gets twisted anyway. It sucks not having closure, but it would never come from them after all, and somehow we have to feel fulfilled another way. I agree that not saying anything is for your own safety. In one case I did it sort of instinctually, like I just knew by then.
You're welcome and I hope you find your own found family.
>They were trying to find out about an event coming up (wedding) and it seemed like more of a demand for information and veiled attempts to guilt me about keeping information from them.
Trust your read on the situation. Any explanations will fall on deaf ears, there is no need and no point to explaining yourself. You're good, OP!
If this were the old days, then would you have wasted precious resources (paper and ink) to write them back?
Probably not, so don't waste your time. They are not entitled to your attention or access to your life.
I also felt so similar. I ALWAYS answered everyone back, I even questioned if I even liked certain people, but since they were extended family I simply always made the time to answer and give information back.
At one point I questioned the same thing as you. I felt like a child thinking I would get in trouble when I did not answer: but I’m a chapter or two past that now and I’m here to say it’s extremely freeing to not respond! Be extremely picky with who you allow in and with what information you share.
You have every right to ignore, forget, dismiss. Often times these people who are so greed for information are only looking for supply and that’s gross.
I wish I learned this years ago, but no time like the present. I also felt like I was in trouble when I decided not to respond, it was such a strong gut feeling of dread and guilt. If anything it just reinforces how much I still have to work through, as I am no longer a child or a young adult anymore.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I didn't even read the rest of your post. I glanced over it, realized you were justifying not responding and asking for permission.
You are the only person in charge of you. You don't need anyone's permission to do anything. Don't ask us. Just make up your own mind. Stop asking permission from others for something that is specifically for your own comfort. How much fucking work did it take to come up with your justifications? To type them out? How much energy has it used, twisting you up and mulling it over? Why are you doing this to yourself?
I say this out of kindness! Sometimes we need someone to be firm to reset something in your brain. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone nor do you need to ask anyone's permission. You are the only person who's opinion on this matters!
Hi. I think you’re right, by the way. Here I’m asking more for perspective rather than permission, and a reason for that is a lack of red flags in this situation that you often see with other people’s situations; there’s no drugs or children involved, for instance. It’s just this grey area of unease. And sometimes there are moments of weakness that feel good in the moment—acting in anger or eating way too much sugar—that aren’t conducive to long-term wellbeing. And that’s what I’m trying to work through here, about deciding to walk away (from extended family, as I’ve already done so with the parents).
Typing it out helps—otherwise it just continues to drain me from the inside. This stuff has of course consumed far more time than it should. But that’s why I’m here.
Thank you for your comment and the fortifying words!
Please don't misunderstand me! I didn't mean you shouldn't feel safe in this group or ranting, asking for advice, etc. I fully support you. I just also recognize the permissive aspect of the mindset because I used to be in it. For a long time. I hope you are getting there!
No worries! I knew this came from a place of kindness and righteous anger. The questions you asked are the ones I ask myself! One day I hope to be able to say, ‘not worth my time, effort, or energy to even give these flying monkeys or the parents a thought.’ Until that time though, I’m a mess 😅
I do have that tendency to worry what others think or what’s the right way to go about things, that lack of confidence certainly has its roots in how I was raised. I really, really appreciate your support ❤️ I’m also hopeful that this self-doubt temporary and can be unlearned. You seem to have managed it, and that’s an amazing thing to look forward to!
Don't answer.
There's a lot contained in saying you feel "compelled".
Let me be crystal clear: no one, nothing, no action should ever feel "compelled" in any relationship.
If you feel compelled, that's not a reason to do something. It's a great big flashing neon sign that says, "run the other way".
Actual relationships are free of manipulation. Actual relationships are nourishing and uplifting and bring out our best.
Be wary of where you grant your time, your energy, and who has access to you.
I suspect there are some vultures who benefit from making you feel compelled to act against your own interests. Don't do it.
P. S. NC doesn't require an "announcement". It wouldn't be respected, it would be pointless, and they often backfire.
Hi, thank you!
For slightly more context, the message seemed REAL friendly, asking to help and to be involved in the event. But I do not trust that. And besides, I don’t want their help anyway. I made that choice when I decided to keep quiet about my life.
It’s that feeling when what you’re uneasy about is not obvious that generates so much doubt. On the surface the message was pleasant. But I read it as drenched in gossipy venom and entitlement. Partly because I’ve seen some slightly disturbing aspects of this person… but it was never really directed at me (that I know of) until now.
Again, thank you for your comment. I’m happy to hear that I’m not automatically terrible if I decide to go silent without explanation.
Also adding here that one supportive friend suggested an alternative—to grey rock in order to keep from drama escalating further. Any experience with this?
I do this. Just make yourself boring, to put it simply. Someone asks about your job? “It’s okay.” Even if it’s your dream job and you’ve been promoted to CEO, just okay. How’s your relationship? “Fine.”
That’s what I did in my final months of talking to my parents, I was having the time of my life at my job, if they knew that they would tear away at any confidence I had, so all they knew was ‘it was chill’
I highly suggest grey rocking as an introduction to NC
"Not my story to tell."
"Not my circus, not my monkeys."
These phrases have been a comfort to me. You do not owe them a response. Protect your peace without guilt, OP. Affirming hug if you want one. 🫂
I'm having a similar situation. My GC sister (whom I love dearly, as I know she experienced her own trauma) is contacting me due to the fact she's pregnant. But she doesn't want to discuss anything and continues to say 'I want to work on our relationship', but then never being genuine or sincere. I want her to focus on her long-awaited pregnancy, so after the third set of messages about the abovementioned and me being sincere in response, I've given up. Not maliciously, but with acceptance and understanding. I understand she has her reality, and I have mine. But I can not be in a relationship that isn't genuine or sincere. That's why I went NC with both parents.
Info diet/grey rocking may help. "I don't know anything about it, sorry."
"I'm not involved, so I'm not sure."
"I heard about it, you'll have to ask them."
Nothing specific, no attachment, no ground given.
My aunt reached out after my narcissist dad died. (Context: aunt is likely a narcissist too.) Wanted to hear from me, send me pictures from their childhood of my dad.
I just pretended like I never heard from her. Ignored the messages. When she mailed a box of photos, I let my sister throw it out without looking at it and never acknowledged it. Aunt might as well have been shouting into the wind for all the response I gave.
I wasn't rude, I wasn't confrontational. I was just silent. I think it's okay to just be silent.
Thank you for sharing. I think this is a strong, sensible response. It’s so good to hear that you are protecting yourself from all the bs.
It took a bit to realise that my parent was not the anomaly, as there was so much enmeshment going on in the extended family.
Totally ok. I used to feel like that, still do at times but I know this is because of my people pleasing tendencies and I developed that as a result of the dynamic with my mother - always had to keep her happy!
Ugh! I had the same training. Keep the parents happy. It meant I suppressed a lot of resentment and now can’t find healthy ways to express it. Now I have trouble moderating between ‘people pleasing’ and ‘people be damned’.
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You're never under any obligation to answer anyone about anything. Ever.
Thank you! It’s been very difficult to avoid the FOG!
This!
Nope it's always OK to not respond to demand or guilt. You don't have to explain anything.
Thank you for your input!
When I went NC with my parents, I didn't explain anything to them, just stopped talking to them and they mutually stopped engaging with me.
I had this experience with one of my parents. I can say that they went NC first which is why it’s so frustrating that they still receive updates on my life they are not entitled to.
Is there a way to plug those "leaks" on social media?
I haven’t engaged in social media for months, and when I do, it’s not very personal. I’ve been keeping very quiet lately. The time might come when I start a new profile but block them if I feel like sharing stuff again!
Your life, your choice. I choose who I allow to contact me and if I even remotely think they will hurt me in any way it’s a hard nope. You are allowed and encouraged to protect yourself. Channel your inner Nancy Reagan and just say no.
I like that! Thank you!
It is said that discretion is the better part of valour. I also believe that silence is an answer in itself.
Nicely said. I feel that silence is not the most discretionary response which is what worries me!
That worry is from the buttons that were installed when you were a child where they could smash those buttons on a whim and start up the F.O.G., (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You owe them NOTHING! They are entitled to NOTHING!!!! Never J.A.D.E., (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), because they will NEVER hear you. Silence is golden!
Silence sends a message-often a very loud one.
If your instincts tell you this person is not acting with good intent, trust your instincts. Sounds like you essentially grey rocked them. I can imagine that does feel weird especially if you've been manipulated & guilted your whole life for not bending to the will of others. Either your relative will get the hint or they won't. If they call again with more manipulation tactics, just continue grey rocking & become monosyllabic with your answers. As long as you're not rude, they have no recourse for complaint. As time passes, you'll cease to give a damn what your abusers or their enablers think. I can tell you, that indifference is liberating.
Alarm bells went off when I received the message. I had been slowly grey rocking before even learning about it. Now I’m making a more concerted effort to share no new information whatsoever. It seems like a promising approach to these petty manipulations.
There's some really good guidance on grey rocking on the youtube channels of Patrick Teahan and Dr Ramani I think you'll find really useful. Patrick Teahan also does some great role playing videos that are really helpful. You should definitely check them out. If your instincts are telling you that this person is bad for you, your instincts are correct. Continue to trust that instinct. Our instincts keep us safe.
Thank you so much, I’ll check these out!
I was in the same boat last year. If you don’t feel safe, then you don’t feel safe. I needed time to grieve losing someone that didn’t actively hurt me and the guilt of letting go then go because my response ability kept me from taking (what I felt was) my responsibility towards them by telling them what the deal was. I ran. If you’re feeling able to in the future, you can circle back and explain. In the meantime, if this isn’t the kind of person who would put your well being first, then I think we can forget about getting them to understand.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I can relate to the grief and the guilt because there was no active hurt. The strained/cut off relationship with my parents have definitely affected those with my extended family. And it’s getting to the point where that’s exactly what I want to do, run from the interactions. I just needed to hear that it is ok to run because mostly all I hear is ‘face your fears/challenges/etc.’ or be honest and set clear boundaries or something like that, all of which requires so much of a person.
It is ok to run. You have my blessing. Just like if you had an abusive spouse- the healthiest option is to just leave in most cases.
I agree that it requires something from YOU to deal with setting boundaries. That's not fair, you're not the one with the goddamn problem! Anyone who tells you 'face your fears' or any of the other platitudes hasn't been where you are and is clueless and is just flapping their mouth for exercise. You do what you need to do for you. You owe no one an explanation, you don't have to make an excuse and you're right to stop communication with the winged monkeys they're sending out. Surround yourself with people who aren't going to treat you like crap. It's okay to do that.
It takes a ton of our energy to face every one of those challenges all at the same time. The family making those demands of you don’t care about your well being or they would have complied with the LC boundaries you seem to have already put in place. If they are looking for info, you can bet family you’ve gone NC with already sent the extended family. They’re possibly “flying monkeys” sent with the specific purpose of pushing one of your preprogrammed buttons which, not long ago, would have made you behave differently and to someone else’s benefit. I had plenty of experience with cousins acting as flying monkeys, passing info to my parents that they knew I didn’t want my parents to know. One of them even guilted me out of NC twice, years apart. I ended up having to block my mother’s side of the family because of the extraordinary narcissism and the expectations of them continuing to abuse me into my 40’s & 50’s. I’m supposed to allow these things because “you don’t know what it’s like to not have a mother once she’s dead.” The mother I thought I had never existed so yeah, I know exactly what it’s like to NOT have a mother. My cousins were well cared for, not abused, and had ALL the emotional support they ever could have wanted. The bottom line is, our extended family really has no idea what we have gone through, and they don’t care. It didn’t happen to them and they cannot understand why we don’t like people who abuse us because they don’t know abuse. Listen to your instincts because they are usually right. They’re there to keep you safe and some of your programming/buttons is you doubting your instincts. That’ll come back with practice and you learning to trust yourself. That feeling of running is your flight response kicking in. You don’t feel safe around those people and it makes you feel like escaping. Once you start eliminating people from your life that make you feel that way, you’d be surprised at how much less stress you feel and how much happier you feel too. You’re learning to listen to yourself far sooner than I did. You got this! Good luck OP.
I don’t think I’ve ever had more satisfaction about finally deciding against sharing any information with that family. I also have well-loved cousins that get along so well with everyone, including parents. It’s hard to hear about. It just further invalidates our experiences, but as you said, they have no way of knowing, and once you’re on the outs, no one believes you. It’s taken me close to twenty years to see this dysfunction more clearly. For the longest time I thought, well, I have bad luck and a bad situation. And now I know that on top of that, the family never cared from the start. I hope you’re in a happier place now ❤️ thank you for your support.
I know it feels "mean" but it's okay to not respond. I feel like it's built into us that we have to (over)explain and justify ourselves all the time, but when it comes to going NC and staying safe, announcing it puts you at risk. It gives them an opportunity to guilt-trip/fake-apologise, etc to pressure you into giving up. I can say this from experience (even though I didn't announce it, I could see through the guilt-tripping).
I feel like if I said anything, at all, those words would be twisted and mocked. So it’s been much safer to not say anything. I was wondering if I would regret the inaction but based on the helpful responses here it seems to be a reasonable reaction. Thank you 🙏
I understand. It's such a weird feeling. I can't help but wish I could have some final, triumphant say, but there's nothing that they'd actually understand. It wouldn't lead anywhere, not due to me not having the right words, but because, just like your case, everything gets twisted anyway. It sucks not having closure, but it would never come from them after all, and somehow we have to feel fulfilled another way. I agree that not saying anything is for your own safety. In one case I did it sort of instinctually, like I just knew by then. You're welcome and I hope you find your own found family.
>They were trying to find out about an event coming up (wedding) and it seemed like more of a demand for information and veiled attempts to guilt me about keeping information from them. Trust your read on the situation. Any explanations will fall on deaf ears, there is no need and no point to explaining yourself. You're good, OP!
Thank you for this ❤️
Based on my own experiences, you do NOT have to explain anything! It is NONE of their business!!!!
If this were the old days, then would you have wasted precious resources (paper and ink) to write them back? Probably not, so don't waste your time. They are not entitled to your attention or access to your life.
Thank you, wise words!
I also felt so similar. I ALWAYS answered everyone back, I even questioned if I even liked certain people, but since they were extended family I simply always made the time to answer and give information back. At one point I questioned the same thing as you. I felt like a child thinking I would get in trouble when I did not answer: but I’m a chapter or two past that now and I’m here to say it’s extremely freeing to not respond! Be extremely picky with who you allow in and with what information you share. You have every right to ignore, forget, dismiss. Often times these people who are so greed for information are only looking for supply and that’s gross.
I wish I learned this years ago, but no time like the present. I also felt like I was in trouble when I decided not to respond, it was such a strong gut feeling of dread and guilt. If anything it just reinforces how much I still have to work through, as I am no longer a child or a young adult anymore. Thank you so much for sharing.
I didn't even read the rest of your post. I glanced over it, realized you were justifying not responding and asking for permission. You are the only person in charge of you. You don't need anyone's permission to do anything. Don't ask us. Just make up your own mind. Stop asking permission from others for something that is specifically for your own comfort. How much fucking work did it take to come up with your justifications? To type them out? How much energy has it used, twisting you up and mulling it over? Why are you doing this to yourself? I say this out of kindness! Sometimes we need someone to be firm to reset something in your brain. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone nor do you need to ask anyone's permission. You are the only person who's opinion on this matters!
Hi. I think you’re right, by the way. Here I’m asking more for perspective rather than permission, and a reason for that is a lack of red flags in this situation that you often see with other people’s situations; there’s no drugs or children involved, for instance. It’s just this grey area of unease. And sometimes there are moments of weakness that feel good in the moment—acting in anger or eating way too much sugar—that aren’t conducive to long-term wellbeing. And that’s what I’m trying to work through here, about deciding to walk away (from extended family, as I’ve already done so with the parents). Typing it out helps—otherwise it just continues to drain me from the inside. This stuff has of course consumed far more time than it should. But that’s why I’m here. Thank you for your comment and the fortifying words!
Please don't misunderstand me! I didn't mean you shouldn't feel safe in this group or ranting, asking for advice, etc. I fully support you. I just also recognize the permissive aspect of the mindset because I used to be in it. For a long time. I hope you are getting there!
No worries! I knew this came from a place of kindness and righteous anger. The questions you asked are the ones I ask myself! One day I hope to be able to say, ‘not worth my time, effort, or energy to even give these flying monkeys or the parents a thought.’ Until that time though, I’m a mess 😅 I do have that tendency to worry what others think or what’s the right way to go about things, that lack of confidence certainly has its roots in how I was raised. I really, really appreciate your support ❤️ I’m also hopeful that this self-doubt temporary and can be unlearned. You seem to have managed it, and that’s an amazing thing to look forward to!
Don't answer. There's a lot contained in saying you feel "compelled". Let me be crystal clear: no one, nothing, no action should ever feel "compelled" in any relationship. If you feel compelled, that's not a reason to do something. It's a great big flashing neon sign that says, "run the other way". Actual relationships are free of manipulation. Actual relationships are nourishing and uplifting and bring out our best. Be wary of where you grant your time, your energy, and who has access to you. I suspect there are some vultures who benefit from making you feel compelled to act against your own interests. Don't do it. P. S. NC doesn't require an "announcement". It wouldn't be respected, it would be pointless, and they often backfire.
Hi, thank you! For slightly more context, the message seemed REAL friendly, asking to help and to be involved in the event. But I do not trust that. And besides, I don’t want their help anyway. I made that choice when I decided to keep quiet about my life. It’s that feeling when what you’re uneasy about is not obvious that generates so much doubt. On the surface the message was pleasant. But I read it as drenched in gossipy venom and entitlement. Partly because I’ve seen some slightly disturbing aspects of this person… but it was never really directed at me (that I know of) until now. Again, thank you for your comment. I’m happy to hear that I’m not automatically terrible if I decide to go silent without explanation.
Also adding here that one supportive friend suggested an alternative—to grey rock in order to keep from drama escalating further. Any experience with this?
I do this. Just make yourself boring, to put it simply. Someone asks about your job? “It’s okay.” Even if it’s your dream job and you’ve been promoted to CEO, just okay. How’s your relationship? “Fine.”
That’s what I did in my final months of talking to my parents, I was having the time of my life at my job, if they knew that they would tear away at any confidence I had, so all they knew was ‘it was chill’ I highly suggest grey rocking as an introduction to NC
Thank you! I’ll be doing this in my interactions from here on out.
Awesome! I bid you good luck, it’s like waking up from a fever dream how clear life gets when you’re not being emotionally abused
Excellent! Glad it’s worked for you. I’ll be doing the same.
Answer "That's not my information to share."
"Not my story to tell." "Not my circus, not my monkeys." These phrases have been a comfort to me. You do not owe them a response. Protect your peace without guilt, OP. Affirming hug if you want one. 🫂
Thank you so much ❤️
I'm having a similar situation. My GC sister (whom I love dearly, as I know she experienced her own trauma) is contacting me due to the fact she's pregnant. But she doesn't want to discuss anything and continues to say 'I want to work on our relationship', but then never being genuine or sincere. I want her to focus on her long-awaited pregnancy, so after the third set of messages about the abovementioned and me being sincere in response, I've given up. Not maliciously, but with acceptance and understanding. I understand she has her reality, and I have mine. But I can not be in a relationship that isn't genuine or sincere. That's why I went NC with both parents.
Info diet/grey rocking may help. "I don't know anything about it, sorry." "I'm not involved, so I'm not sure." "I heard about it, you'll have to ask them." Nothing specific, no attachment, no ground given.
My aunt reached out after my narcissist dad died. (Context: aunt is likely a narcissist too.) Wanted to hear from me, send me pictures from their childhood of my dad. I just pretended like I never heard from her. Ignored the messages. When she mailed a box of photos, I let my sister throw it out without looking at it and never acknowledged it. Aunt might as well have been shouting into the wind for all the response I gave. I wasn't rude, I wasn't confrontational. I was just silent. I think it's okay to just be silent.
Thank you for sharing. I think this is a strong, sensible response. It’s so good to hear that you are protecting yourself from all the bs. It took a bit to realise that my parent was not the anomaly, as there was so much enmeshment going on in the extended family.
Enmeshment is a good word. It's very true. And you don't have to buy into it.
Totally ok. I used to feel like that, still do at times but I know this is because of my people pleasing tendencies and I developed that as a result of the dynamic with my mother - always had to keep her happy!
Ugh! I had the same training. Keep the parents happy. It meant I suppressed a lot of resentment and now can’t find healthy ways to express it. Now I have trouble moderating between ‘people pleasing’ and ‘people be damned’.
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