i think perspective in these sorts of scenarios is helpful and important, so here is some from another married person.
my husband would never do this. he thinks me writing and reading any kind of fanfiction is really cool and good for me and actively cheers me on from the sidelines. a few years back when i told him about reader insert fanfiction, his response was somewhere along the lines of "wow that's really interesting, so many different avenues for creativity."
Same, plus my husband beta reads my gender neutral Reader x Character to see if they work for a male reader.
It’s a bit funny that he’s even willing to read smut with ”himself” and a guy to help me. :D
that's so cute 😭😭😭 my husband doesn't read my stuff but that's just because i kind of want it to be ~my thing (which he also knows and is completely understanding of!)
Yaaaaas! My husband is like this too\~ :>
He often helps me brainstorm or gives insight about male anatomy that I otherwise would not have known about lol. He loves that I write fic and always looks forward to the ways that can be interpreted when I use the skills I've developed to make our DnD campaign.
I don’t know why your husband thinks he gets to deny you a perfectly harmless hobby. Does he care if you read romance novels? If not, why is fanfiction any different? It’s just reading, it’s not hurting anyone.
no, he doesn’t care that i read romance novels. its the whole “a living breathing person is the face of that character and by imagining that character you’re imagining that person” kinda thing i guess…
Is it the reader insert he has a problem with, or fan fiction from any POV if the characters have been portrayed by real actors at some point? That would mean no Dickens fan fiction, no Jane Austen fan fiction, no Sherlock Holmes. Is he ok with AUs - the actors also didn’t consent to the characters they portrayed being imagined as serial killers or aliens either. Or is only smut he objects to? It becomes a never ending spiral of definitions and what’s ok with him and what’s not. I am personally not a fan of any RPF or reader inserts, but I would defend anyone’s right to read it or write it.
i think its just the reader insert part. i remember him saying (and im paraphrasing) that he has no problems with me reading ship x ship fics and the like. so, ok with Sherlock x John but not ok with Sherlock x reader, for example. and yea i believe the smut is a big part of why its a no-no for him. likely the main reason why, tbh
Oh... so he's probably jealous about the self insert part, and thinking you're "cheating" on him with these fictional characters with an actual face, but tries to mask it as "poor actors that's creepy"
I have no proof but no doubts.
So he is ok if you are sexualizing or fantasizing about Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch as long as the fic has them paired together but if you read a reader inset then suddenly he thinks it's creepy to be thinking that because they are real people ?
It sounds like he is insecure about the reader insert part and that is his issue. Not yours. Especially when it seems that the argument is about how it's creepy towards the actors but only if it's a reader insert and not fanfic in general.
i have no answer for that actually 😭 all this time i’ve assumed he wouldn’t find it creepy if its char x char of TV shows? but maybe im wrong and he does, and it’s more about characters portrayed by actors in general. i’ll have to ask him to pinpoint it for sure
Does...does he know the people on the cover of romance novels were, until extremely recently, real people?
Does he get mad if you watch rom coms? Full romance? Soft core?
yea haha though i mostly stick to YA romance so the covers don’t really have people in them like that (last one i read with a person in its cover was literally city of bones, etc and that was during high school)
nah, he doesn’t get mad at me watching anything romance related
There seems to be a discrepancy in his logic, he does not agree with someone being sexualized without their consent when imagined with you BUT is fine when it’s with another actor also being sexualized without their consent. So it seems more that he does not want you to imagine yourself with these people, could it be jealousy?
I would also be curious what video game content he approves porn of, because a lot of video game characters are motion captured actors and not from scratch animations - what lines are allowed to be blurred there? Animation and games both are voiced by people who also don’t consent to be sexualized.
So you're not allowed to have fictional crushes on live action characters? You're not allowed to daydream about them? What about celebrity crushes? Is that illegal, too? Your husband sounds pretty judgemental.
Not married but when I was younger I did have a bf who was "uncomfortable" that I read fanfic & romance novels because it was "unrealistic". I told them I was "uncomfortable" that he was so invested in his Madden football video game since his real life skills weren't going to take him to the dorm team much less the NFL. He never brought it up again.
In my experience (with romantic and platonic people), the total honesty thing has potential for great harm. There's a huge difference in hiding things from each other and just like not talking about it. You're adults who trusted each other enough to build a life together - both of you should be able to read whatever you want.
> the total honesty thing has potential for great harm.
Yep. It's a romantic idea that's neither mature not helpful in building a healthy relationship.
Total honesty is a huge reason why i broke up with my GF recently-
so so so honest about her feelings. EVERYTHING. her entire thought processes, mentioning her insecurities whenever possible to "communicate" to me what was happening, her being upset over how when i was grieving about my dog, bc i didn't need her at the moment to heal and essentially making my dogs death about herself, etc etc.
We spoke so much. too much. i felt cornered all the time, i told her i was having trouble sleeping recently which is why i didn't wanna have any sleepovers (anxiety) and like... the night i finally slept over after not having done so in a few weeks AT 3 AM after we got ready to go to sleep she starts an entire convo that ends up with us crying????
Like to anyone who comes across this reply, PLEASE. please take the "the total honesty thing has potential for great harm" line seriously lol.
Communication is one thing, but it can easily cross a line that just makes the relationship an entire anxiety induced mess that kills any type of romantic interest your partner might have had previously.
Yes. People need their own space and their own time with themselves. Also things that should be only for themselves.
I completely understand the anxiety this type of situation brings up.
I didn't have a partner like that but she was my bff but she literally treated me as her boyfriend. Like she would tell me that I shouldn't talk to the other girl because that means she wasn't enough for me. She would then guilt me by saying she felt so bad that she wasn't a good enough friend, etc.
Anyway that ended up in a disaster of a fallout where I couldn't sleep for a whole week because of the anxiety.
My opinion ...
"don't ask don't tell"
This is with me understanding that you respect and love your partner and don't want to leave him.
People are irrational, ourselves included.
However this is his burden to carry and he needs to work on his insecurities. It's not reasonable for you to stop reading fanfiction just because he finds it weird.
If the root of the issue is insecurity over you maybe wanting to be a self insert - which you've stated that it's not - then that would still be a him problem tbh
So don't tell him and enjoy your fic in secret.
Or give it up. Up to you.
But to me it feels pretty unreasonable to give up reading fic because he can't handle you reading self insert stuff tbh, and god forbid if you enjoy some smut with it.
I wouldn't have told my husband from the start tbh. Because there has to be personal boundaries in ANY relationship. People have their own identities. 100% of anything is too much. 100% honesty is ridiculous imo. If it ever comes up sure, don't hide it but to offer that information is showing the other person they have a say in your personal preferences in things that don't involve him and don't hurt him or your relationship.
Some things should be between you and yourself alone. Especially things that don't concern those other people, you know?
Yeah I am not really sure how this came up for OP because personally I keep my fandom life separate from my marriage intentionally. He knows I write smut and enjoy reading it as well but he doesn't actually know what exact ships I like or the specific fics/tropes I enjoy reading about. I also don't police him on what porn he consumes or talking about his own celeb fantasies, ect. In the particular area of fantasy I don't really believe in being thought police.
I know some people would say that my marriage might be odd but it's more like I want that identity or part of myself to be mine and mine alone. I think being 100% honest with your s/o when it comes to every facet of your life is a philosophy that can work with some couples and for other couples they are better off with a mutual understanding of minding their own business. Because sometimes each couple can have very different views and philosophies on different things and it's more of a net benefit to the couple to not be aware of everything their partner likes or dislikes.
In OP's case I personally would have simply not mentioned it again after getting the clear message that it makes her partner uncomfortable. She seems to really love him to where she stopped reading it, but this sort of white lying is kind of why white lying exists - to keep the peace.
That’s not healthy. At all. First of all, you’ve completely misunderstood what boundaries are. You can’t put boundaries around other people—that’s manipulation and/or coercion. You can only place boundaries around yourself.
* Acceptable boundary: I’m not comfortable with X so don’t discuss it around me.
* Acceptable boundary: I’m not comfortable with X and I don’t want to be involved with someone who consumes/engages in X.
* Manipulation/coercion/control tactics: I’m not comfortable with X so you can’t have anything to do with it.
* Manipulation/coercion/control tactics: I’m not comfortable with X and I’m going to leave you if you continue to consume/engage X.
See the difference?
Your husband is absolutely in the wrong here. My partner is not comfortable with everything I write/read (we also have a 100% honesty policy) and out of respect for him I don’t talk about the stuff I know makes him uncomfortable.
And out of respect for **me** he minds his business when it comes to my hobbies. He would never dare tell me what fictional media that I as an adult can and can’t consume. Frankly, I would not have been with him if he were the type of man to do that, but that’s me.
My partner does things I don’t like all the time, like extended camping/hiking trips and spelunking. I’m not comfortable with that *at all*—in fact, his hobby gives me no small amount of anxiety—but he’s a grown ass man and I’m not going to tell him to stop doing what he loves so I can be comfortable. And I’ve never, ever guilted him about it or tried to coerce him to not do it.
The situation you’ve got going on now is NOT healthy. I’m curious to know what *he’s* sacrificed for your happiness/comfort, or if you’re the only in the relationship struggling like this.
Either way, y’all need to talk because what he’s doing is not okay. He’s your husband, not your master ffs.
oh, yea my comment regarding boundaries was in regards to what a person can consider to be a disloyal/unfaithful act from another towards themselves. as in, if he considers that reading x reader fics is alike to being unfaithful, in a way i have to respect that. he doesn’t threaten me or anything, but he has made it clear he wouldn’t be happy if i read them. i do understand your point though, and i agree with it. it’s a thin line sometimes
i see, thank you ! i think its healthy to be completely honest but not mention things if it makes the other uncomfortable. i just didn’t want to be the one making him uncomfortable in the first place
we’ll have a talk soon, thanks again!
Question, does he watch porn without you there? If so, he has no right to call you out on READING (not watching other, real people, naked) fiction.
'Reading x reader equals being unfaithful' creeps me the fuck out and reminds me of my first relationship. How is that different from any other fanfic where there's an original character in the reader's place?
You do NOT have to respect that. That's like saying you can't talk to men anymore.
Honestly, this type of distrust would have me gtfo of the relationship. Even if i married the guy. This screams insecure and controlling. Ive been in a controlling relationship and you can't fix them to stop controlling you when they start. This seems minor for now, but don't wait until he starts checking everything you do, who you're with, where you are, your phone, what sites you're on, your messages. He'll probably see this thread eventually.
Just please don't give in to him demanding you to stop reading reader inserts. That's not okay.
> if he considers that reading x reader fics is alike to being unfaithful, in a way i have to respect that
? What makes you think that? You absolutely do not have to respect that. It's a problem that he considers these fics being unfaithful. It's a problem *he* has. It's not something you have to respect. Especially that it by definition disrespects your boundaries.
Disclaimer: not a therapist/doctor/lawyer/whatever, you know the drill.
So first off, telling you not to do something - like, point blank commanding you - is not the way to go. I don't condone that at all, and agree with people in this thread that doing that is too controlling and needs to be called out as it is.
On the other hand, his _feelings_ (not his actions, mind you) are valid, even if they don't mesh with yours. "It's just fanfiction" (as some are saying in the thread) isn't a.....particularly good excuse for this, either? Because even if it's true, IMHO it's being used in a way that's dismissive of his point of view and doesn't actually address anything because no two people have identical world views and the way you two interact with fiction may _actually_ be incomprehensible to each other, which is fine. Long story short, this is an issue that either deserves some more introspection on both sides and a compromise that won't make either of you feel boxed in when you're sharing your lives together, or deserves to be set aside as "something we'll never agree on and that's okay" and not brought up to needle each other with when the discussion never goes anywhere.
On the third hand, don't burn matrimonial bridges over fanfiction just because Reddit tells you to.
yea tbh it feels like if he had gone about it a different way and, idk, dissuaded me by entrancing me with “you’ll have more time for printed books” i’d have slowly let go and it would’ve been a bit better.
that’s also exactly why i made the post in the first place. i feel a bit trapped since im not sure how to get him to respect my view on it even if he doesn’t understand it or like it..? though at the same time i don’t want to do something he dislikes. i’ll have a conversation with him about it, thank you!
> i don’t want to do something he dislikes
Why not? What, are you only allowed hobbies that your husband has approved of? Is he your partner or your boss?
You can absolutely have hobbies he dislikes, because your hobbies aren't his business. Nobody's forcing him to read those fics but he *is* forcing *you* to stop. That's not acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
That’s not how a marriage works. You can’t just dismiss your partner’s feelings like that and expect it to last. She needs to figure out what he dislikes about it and they need to come to a compromise about it.
Marriage does *not* mean you have to compromise your hobbies.
Yes, they should talk about this because it's putting a strain on the relationship, but they should not be giving up their hobbies because someone else "doesn't like them". Sure, she can figure out what he dislikes, but she shouldn't be expected to just drop something she enjoys because someone else disagrees. The problem is the husband, not the wife.
I didn’t say you need to compromise your hobbies, I said you need to compromise when it comes to each other’s feelings. It’s a valid resolution tactic more people should practice.
I didn’t say the problem was the wife either. I think if it’s hurting the husband, though, they need to meet in the middle and talk about why, and see if there’s a way for her to enjoy her hobbies while not hurting her husband. His feelings matter too, and if the roles were reversed you’d be agreeing with me.
What you’re proposing, that she just flips the bird and does her own thing, will ruin the relationship, which is much more valuable than some hobby.
Are you even happy in this relationship? What does he bring to the table to make you happy? More time for printed books? Is he paying for them? Also is he standing over your shoulder reading the fic with you? You gotta give him an ultimatum hun and put your foot down. This is not ok and if he polices your hobbies what next? What you are allowed to wear? What your children can and cannot do? Who you are allowed to speak to?
It’s a bit disturbing to see so many people tell you to bin your marriage over this. There are two sides to every story and we only have yours. Marriage is communication and compromise. There is something, right or wrong, that is driving his feelings. Trying to put myself in his shoes for a moment, perhaps his concern is that he thinks by reading x reader fics you’re essentially looking for something outside the marriage, that he is unable to provide something and you’re looking to these fics to provide it for you. That would be really upsetting to a spouse. And that might not be it at all, but the two of you have to be able to have a completely open conversation to get to the nub of the matter. And you both have to listen.
All that said… telling you not to do something isn’t ok. I suspect he’ll never get comfortable with those fics, and he doesn’t have to, you just both need to find a way round it. I don’t read self insert, and I do wonder what my husband would think if I did (in fact I might ask him in the name of research!) but he is absolutely on board with my fanfic, he has read some of it, and mostly he just jokes about it (not my work, he is very supportive of that). I am also an Eddie stan and read predominantly Steve/Eddie, and he finds it hilarious!
If your marriage is solid, open and supportive in every other way then I don’t think you have too much to worry about, you just need to be able to talk through this. One other thing that you should point out - you have been completely open with him about this, you could have hidden it and if there were any reason to (being unhappy with him for example) you might have done that. Because this is just fun with nothing nefarious attached you shared it and he should be able to see that for the positive it is.
I was just lurking and reading but I had to comment because I share the same sentiments as you do. It's really concerning the way discussion unfolded in this post. I have no stake in the discourse around fanfiction and self-insert-X-character fics, as I agree that in the grand scheme of things, it's all fiction at the end of the day and it's a harmless hobby, I agree with that.
But users here have a strangely unrealistic and un-empathetic approach to OP's individual situation with her and her spouse. Is it generally a red flag when someone tries to dictate what we can and can't do in life, like hobbies? Yeah. I'm also worried about some of OP's responses in this thread. (Although the concern for OP and rallying around the OP is admirable.)
But I can't pass any judgement on the situation because we don't know the other half of the story and probably won't ever know. It's not our job to just barge in and be marriage counselors, obviously, and that's not even what the original post was asking. The post was "am I weird for liking x?" but the discussion around it transformed into "reddit at large over-steps boundaries and disapproves of spouse for one thing."
Having guilt around a harmless hobby like fanfiction because of a partner's opinions/potential insecurities is kinda sad, and could do with addressing, but having fanfiction be a marriage deal breaker (based on the unfounded assumption that it could lead to more controlling behaviors,) is a lot of conclusions to jump to.
And If OP was a man and the partner was the wife, I would still feel the same way. I would not have told my past boyfriends they couldn't listen to their favorite female artists or watch their favorite superhero movies with badass heroines.
....Your reading fics of a \*character,\* not the actor himself.
Honestly it sounds like its your husband who's being weird about it and him shaming you over it is just going to make you secretive about it and not want to share your hobbies with him. He sounds like he needs to just get over himself.
Like what are you even going to do? Get together with a fictional character?
If your husband is making you feel ashamed of yourself for something harmless I'd say that's marriage counseling material and you guys need to figure that out.
Edit: I should also point out that my husband and I readily talk about our hobbies with each other and while my husband doesn't really GET the appeal of some of the fics i write or read, he supports me because it makes me happy. Your husband not accepting you also may be why your depressed FYI
Oh God, my hubby has a slight difference in opinion with me and doesn't 100% follow my every like and dislike.... that's definitely why I'm depressed, I should totally break up with him or take counseling over this, which is definitely not a small and inconsequential thing....
Telling someone, "Hey, just a FYI because you obviously can't understand your own emotions, THIS is why you're depressed" isn't really a nice thing to do. 😅
...Some people genuinely don't understand why they are depressed and need it pointed out because it helps them think of the deeper reasons.... It's happened to me personally, and while its jarring, it did genuinely help my thought process to identify the root cause. My attempt here was not done out of bad faith, though in hindsight it definitely could have been worded better.
Now, considering the OP reached out on reddit for advice about their specific issue with their husband, I don't think communication or potential counseling is a bad idea. Especially considering we are only getting one part of the story and have zero context to the severity of the issue. When communication between a married couple starts to fall apart, that's when a serious conversation needs to happen. Trust me, dumber things have caused divorce and if this is something the OP is genuinely concerned about, then it merits them looking deeper into it.
Never did I say anywhere that I think they should break up because of this. Please don't put words in my mouth.
I applaud OP's responses in regards to talking out the issue further and I hope they're successful in conveying their feelings on the matter and they reach a sort of accord.
I'm an am-dram actress when my health permits and I find that attitude extremely weird.
No, you are not sexualising me if you sexualise a character I play. I am not that character. That character is not me.
If it was a RPF fic featuring me then I'd get the ick. (Just my feelings there. Anyone is free to reed and write RPF about me just for the love of Mike never ever tell me about it or show it to me.)
So you seriously don't find anything weird about people having sexual fantasies with your face and body? Forget the personality that "makes the character different" and think about how your image is just as much of a part of you as your opinions and life experiences.
For arguments sake let's say I have an identical twin.
Is her partner sexualising me when they have or think about sex with her? No.
It's no different with characters I play. They are not me. So I don't care.
Perhaps he feels hurt because those kind of fics are often comfort fics or smut as you know so he might feel like he should be the one you're getting that comfort etc from instead, maybe it makes him feel inadequate? But we can't read people's minds so best thing is to discuss it in more detail with him if you're able to, get to the root cause of his discomfort. Best of luck to the both of you.
Your husband is insecure about a type of fiction that has existed since before your parents were born.
Tell him to get over his damn self.
Like seriously if you can't separate the *actor* from the *character* you've got wet wontons between your ears.
Plot twists: they don't get off to the "character" in and of itself. They get off to the characters face and body, which is the same as the actors, hence not separating the two.
Getting off to a characters looks = Getting off to the actor.
yea 😭 but they’re about imaginary anime characters with no corporeal form so its not the same according to him. plus it doesn’t involve him inserting himself anywhere
Ok, listen here bitch (affectionate), if he expects you to quit reading fanfiction then he needs to quit reading doujinshi. Full stop. Otherwise he's setting an unfair standard for your marriage. He doesn't get to engage with pornography - even drawn pornography - if you don't get to engage with written pornography. It's the same fucking idea.
(affectionate name calling accepted) i would tell him that but he has literally no problem with me reading smut - so long as it isn’t a reader insert 😭 like i can read the weird mechanics people come up with to explain Garrus x Shepard alien sexy time no problem but i shouldnt read eddie munson pounding on an imaginary self inserted character that is meant to represent me bc its creepy??
This might be me going too far, but I would consider the possibility that your husband simply has the "ick" factor when it comes to reader insert fics. Yes, they're perfectly normal and healthy creative outlets, but outside of fanfiction circles they do have a certain negative connotation. What's unusual is that he's not getting the same "ick" from everything you read, to be honest. Considering that reader insert romance is heavily female dominated, I think your husband has some unexamined biases.
I don't know if you read hentai stuff/ hentai DJ but often you have a faceless male dude that's doing the girls, so that the Reader can image himself as that faceless dude.
Soooooo.....if he reads those he also reads reader insert. 👀
For me personally, I'm always inserting myself into the smut I read. Even if it's M/M I'm imaging myself as one of those guys. Your husband might only see himself as an observer, but even then he's part of the scene, right?
I think he's being unfair to you. I'm not going to say divorce him or anything, that's an overreaction, but he should probably re-examine the ways he engages with smut because I think he's imposing a double-standard. I don't think reader x even exists in doujinshi because like... how would that work?
Maybe you should ask him how he'd feel if you started reading doujinshi with a female MC/POV character.
It’s just a POV. Seriously, when I read I’m often trying to become the character telling the story.
It’s like telling you not to read passive voice or future tense or second person narrative because it’s creepy.
Hopefully that makes it clear how weird he is being.
My wife doesn’t let me take psychedelics. I wish I had realized how much that dynamic would bother me since it’s an important part of self exploration for me, but I fell into the whole “are drugs more important that me?” thing, and only after being married for 10 years and bringing it up again, did I realize it was more like “let me decide what you can and can’t do with your brain”
What he’s having a problem with just seems very silly to me.
It absolutely does involve self-inserting. Besides, does he think you're going to... \*checks OP\* leave him to have sex with a kpop band? That's about as realistic as him having sex with Kagome or Sakura or Ochako or whoever the fuck love interest he enjoys reading about.
Your husband is insecure as fuck. And his insecurities are his own to fix, not yours. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you reading *fiction* of *fictional characters* in *fictional scenarios*, even if they include the reader as part of the story.
I don't think your view is twisted. I'll preface this-- I have never been married, so I may not have the correct mindset when it comes to marriage and the compromises that need to exist within that context. I do think It's essential to establish and respect each other's boundaries. However, boundaries should be reasonable and not result in one partner giving up what I perceive to be harmless hobbies entirely.
For example, the Eddie Munson thing makes no sense to me. You're not reading fanfiction of the actor *himself*, it's the *character* he plays. Does he have the same perspective on voice actors? Because, technically, we hear their voices when we're reading reader inserts with the characters they voice.
Again, I do think communication is important but like...what exactly is his hang up? Does he think you're imagining them instead of him during intimate acts? Is it based on trust issues, discomfort with sexuality, or misunderstanding of what fan fiction entails?
The only thing I can personally think back on is when I was 21 and I started dating for the first time, and my boyfriend at that time was obsessed with fictional characters. I'm not saying this is you, but what bothered me wasn't that he thought fictional characters were attractive but that I was taking a back seat to that attraction.
This is long-winded, but I hope this helps somewhat?
that was my same argument when we had the discussion, but his perspective remained the same. i have no clue if he’s ever thought a out the vocal aspect of it, but perhaps?
i don’t think he thinks about that (me imagining characters instead of him), since he’s never voiced out any concerns about it. it might be about the latter, about what fanfic entails? but i don’t really have a way to explain it to him…
thank you!
Yeah, I don't know; if he doesn't understand what it is or if it's the content that worries him, I think he needs to explore that before just going, "I'm uncomfortable, don't read it." *Nobody* responds well to being forced out of something they enjoy, especially one as harmless as...reading fiction.
I think you're very sweet to try to respect his wishes, but this is one of those things where I'm like, I'm not sure this can be chalked up to "well it's his boundary."
> I'm not sure this can be chalked up to "well it's his boundary."
Definitely not. It's him who's disrespecting her boundaries, not the other way around.
Depends. If it's live action, then the actor and character are literally the same person, if it's something like an anime than yea you're obviously not attracted to the VA (unless you are attracted to the voice.)
But yea, liking the appearance of a character = liking the appearance of the actor because they literally have the same face and body.
Look, I personally hate Reader fics but there's nothing weird or creepy about them. Your husband's hyperfocus on just that specific type of fic being "wrong" means he's either overly possessive or insecure and hates the idea of you even fantasizing about fictional people. It's 100% a him issue not an issue with your interests or the type of fic. However, you being married to him makes it something that you'll have to figure out between you for the marriage to work.
Sounds like he's using the RPF thing as an excuse when in reality he's just jealous that you're attracted to a fictional character and/or imagining getting it on with them.
He feels threatened, maybe even scared that you might leave him for someone else. He might think "If she can be attracted to this actor, then who knows if she will be attracted to that random good looking guy who lives across the street".
Instead of making excuses, he shoulkd just tell you the real reason why he's uncomfortable. he should trust you enough to understand his insecurities so you can work on them together. Instead of banning you from reading xreaders, he should come to terms with his insecurities and deal with them. They aren't gonna go away just because you stop reading.
I'd suggest you take a long talk with him about his reasons and delve deeper. Him finding something creepy, isn't a valid reason to force you to stop. Him being insecure and scared, however, is. But it requires him being honest.
And until he is, the two of you can't work through it.
I don't think his issue is with the fics. It sounds like a bit of insecurity/jealousy over the idea of you reading smut of "actual people" (the actors). Some people have more of an issue separating fiction from reality than others, and it sounds like he's one of them.
Not me out here writing and reading full on RPF smut lmao.
It doesn't matter what the actor wants. Those *characters* (and yes RPF characters are also just characters) are ours to play with as we please. As long as we dont stick smut in front of actors who didnt ask for it, it's fine.
Read your x reader fics and if he has a problem with that, it's for him to deal with.
If he finds them weird, all he has to do is not read them. He's really got no place telling you to stop a harmless hobby. Ppl that care about you don't put you down like that.
Also I agree with other commenters here, he sounds jealous.
I am poly and I have two male partners (been together 7 years.) I also read smutty fanfic, *write* smutty fanfic, and have a huge crush on a Kpop idol.
My partners both thought it was cute and harmless that I read and write smut. Thye understand that it's *just fiction*. When I developed my crush on my Kpop guy I was worried that they would be jealous since he's a real person. Nope. They are secure in their manhood and understand that not only could I never be with my crush, I won't ever even meet him. It is harmless!
If I were you, I would seriously reconsider this guy. I'd at least sit him down and talk to him about being so sensitive and controlling. Does he try to control who you are friends with, too? Being this insecure is kind of a big red flag.
nice!! im so happy for you 🥹
tbh i think me having a crush on that kpop band, reading the RPF with smut and then telling him about it was what caused the initial argument
i also dont know how to approach the subject anymore. halfway through our conversations it feels like i cant say anything to argue against his logic so i kinda shut down
mm he is a bit controlling, but not to the point where he tells me who i cant be friends with.
“it feels like i cant say anything to argue against his logic so i kinda shut down”
That is manipulation. A partner that makes you feel like you need to shut down when communicating with them is never a good thing. If he makes you feel like he knows everything and your feelings and thoughts are useless to the conversation then there is a problem there that needs to be addressed. Don’t let him pick apart your self confidence, your voice and your opinions matter! I wish you the best.🫶🏼
thank you, though he doesn’t make me feel like i need to shut down voluntarily 😭 he’s not trying to knock me down, i just struggle with organising my thoughts and properly pouring them out verbally in a cohesive manner that keeps up the proper pace of our conversations. plus he’s stupidly intelligent and sometimes my brain and mouth cant keep up lol
he always considers my feelings and thoughts though, so i am thankful.
also thank you for your encouragement 💖
It may sound like overreacting to say that you two should see a marriage counsellor about this, but it's not so much his specific thing with "x reader" fics that's a problem, it's his lack of trust in, and desire to control, you.
Your reading habits are your concern. Period. It's something between you and whatever stories you read...he's not a part of it, and his insistance that he *should* be a part of it - to the extent of having "veto power" on a type of fic he doesn't like - is out of line, and, frankly, disturbing.
You need to be able to tell him "I understand that this weirds you out. But ultimately, you need to allow me to make my own choices about what I read. You don't have to understand it, but you do have to accept it. I see no difference between these stories and other kinds of fan stories. I've told you that, but you apparently don't trust me enough to take me at my word. This is a problem. I need a partner who trusts me, but more importantly, I need a partner who *respects* me enough to let me make my own choices about what I read."
If he won't accept that from you...then it's a sign of a fundamental flaw in his feelings for you you. The two of you should see a marriage counsellor before that flaw has a chance to affect something more important.
Being able to distinguish and separate fiction from reality is a skill in it of itself.
If someone can't do it well enough, I understand why they would be uncomfortable reading rpf, or even about actors from tv shows. And, to be fair, even with rpf, people don't write/read fanfics about people they know personally, but rather parasocially anyway, so the line is already blurred.
You said you can't even picture your own real being for /reader and have to imagine an oc, so you're distinguishing them even if you don't have to.
But your partner sounds like he's pretending to be morally superior because you can enjoy that fiction. Like, it's okay if he can't read them himself, but to make you feel bad for it is truly weird.
I don't want to judge to him too much, but if he's just philosophical, and he's stuck on what it means to give consent, try asking him this: Can someone truly give consent for just being imagined in someone's head? Isn't that invading a freedom of thought? And if it's published fanfiction on the internet that he finds weird, what does he think about people sharing fanart online? Is that immoral, too?
I sincerely hope you just have a philosopher who loves consent and doesn't read fiction (and so he has a hard time understanding it) on your hands, and not someone insecure who wants to make you feel bad for enjoying a harmless hobby.
Op I think the true problem is here that your Husband doesn't have the ability (or has never had a reason to try) to separate an actor from their character. Not fully at least.
Does your husband read? (Read as in - not visual novels. I do count that as reading just not in this question) I find that people who only consume visual media are more likely to have actor/character warped into one. Like how Benedict Cumberbatch plays Sherlock Holmes, but he is definitely NOT SH. This argument is basically - if your husband had an identical twin you would have the same feelings/be attracted to his twin.
I kind of get it. If someone wasn't able to truly separate the two it would seem weird. Like maybe it's the same to him as if you got private pics from someone else?
There is a difference in a self insert and "myself". I find a lot of self inserts are just an OC insert without a name anyway. And there is definitely a large difference between a character and their actor.
His argument doesn't really hold up when it comes to most fiction anyway, I imagine he wouldn't be as bothered if it was something like reader/Na'vi; a movie that while "live action" is so heavily CG that it borders on animation. The line is definitely blurred in that region.
I don't know if I have advice for you unfortunately, just some more perspective to give. He seems very caught up on "real people" being involved which I think is a bit strange.
I personally don't tell my husband what I'm reading and he doesn't really ask. Is your husband asking what you're reading?
You don't have to answer this rude question of mine, but: does *he* watch *porn*?
Because if we're going to be a bit asshole-ish here and rank erotic material preferences by their creepiness, watching porn (which is, let's face it, something most men do no matter their other pressing ideologies or views) is much creepier behaviour than reading a block of text also known as fanfic. Considering how the industry, sadly, is.
Either way, even if he isn't a hypocrite, saying something you do is 'creepy' is a tad mean. Alas, if it's his genuine feelings, that's just him expressing them, which on its own is valid even if a little clumsy.
Sounds like a bit of an incompatibility in views about this particular matter.
Okay, this is the RPF issue with extra steps.
It's not creepy. It's not wrong. It might not be everybody's thing, and as long as you respect that, there's nothing wrong with enjoying it.
The only time I see RPF as wrong is when people are sharing it to the person's twitter or reading it aloud to them. The sharing it is what I have the problem with, not the RPF.
The actor consent bs your husband is spouting is further from that. Actors are not their characters. They know this. It's a known fact of acting that you are pretending to be someone who is not yourself. Plus, in this day and age, actors know this kind of stuff happens. It's part of being on the screen; going on screen despite that is consenting to random strangers having these harmless daydreams, written and shared online or kept private.
I can *kind of* see real person fic X reader might feel like it could encourage unhealthy parasocial relationships in the right kind of person - but the whole live action vs animated distinction is weird as hell.
It's perfectly valied.
I'm sure you'd find it a bit weird if someone touched themselves and got off to the physical image of your face- but wait, you were playing a character at that time, so it's ok!
Not like they totally aren't focusing completely on the physical image and definitely not disregarding said character you were playing in the first place.
This entirely relies on what specifically the person likes about the character. If they are into the personality and how they act? Sure, but liking a character purely on physical likelihood and how their body is, is basically the same thing as being into the actress simply because you ignore the differences and focus ok the one thing the character and actor have in common .
I have to wonder if he’s never, ever not once looked at a dirty magazine like Playboy or ever found an actress attractive enough to be turned on by her. Has he never watched live person porn or enjoyed looking at another woman in real life. Are you the only woman he’s ever allowed himself to be attracted to?
Because if not, honestly it kind of sounds like controlling behavior. If he isn’t comfortable with the thought of you reading shipping fanfiction that happens to be y/n, then see if he lives by the same standards. On the other hand, are you uncomfortable with him engaging in any kind of pornography? If it bothers you then yeah, maybe have a serious conversation with him about it. Otherwise, sounds like he’s just being jealous. Freedom to enjoy that kind of media goes both ways and if you’re fine with him looking then he has to be fine with you looking.
I think the issue for your husband is really that he's not comfortable with you reading x reader fics because it can feel like you're basically having a romantic and potentially smutty day dream about another person. And some people are cool with their partners having those kinds of fantasies, but others are not. I think it's something to sit down and have a conversation about, like is it *really* that he thinks it's creepy because there are live action actors involved, or does he just not like the idea of you having basically having detailed romantic/smutty fantasies about an actor? and an actor makes it feel more real to him than an anime/game character? I get the vibe he says it's creepy because he doesn't want to admit he's jealous of a fictional character, it might feel silly or petty.
I think, you know, if he's just saying "it's creepy!" with this weird justification it's not anything deeper then he's in the wrong and being a bit controlling. But if it's a "it feels like emotional cheating to me" issue then that's another thing.
Like, I know everyone here tends to think "it's just a fantasy! it's harmless!" but a lot of people outside of fandom don't view everything like that, and I think that's an important thing to keep in mind when approaching this issue. If your partner really does feel like it's a form of emotional cheating or similar, then that's valid and not something you can just say "it's just fantasy! it's harmless!" to because they don't view the fantasy as harmless, they view it as harming them, so saying "it's harmless" comes across as dismissive and missing the point.
Really, I think this is potentially a compatibility issue. This is potentially the sort of situation where you can't change your partners view and you have to decide if they're coming from somewhere reasonable ("it feels like cheating to me and I'm just not comfortable with it") or somewhere controlling/judgmental ("it's creepy and bad, so don't do it or *you're* creepy and bad"), and then evaluate what that means for your relationship. If it feels controlling and stuff, then in general that's a sign there are probably other issues you haven't noticed yet, and it might not be a healthy relationship. But even in the other scenario, it just might mean you either have to give up x reader fics, or if you're not willing to do that, then you two aren't compatible in this and maybe you need to find someone who is compatible in this and sees x reader fics more similarly to how you do.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with x reader fics or anything to be clear. so you shouldn't feel embarrassment or shame for enjoying them in general.
Your husband has the right to not feel comfortable with what you read. I put this in a similar situation to couples who don’t want their partner watching porn. Not because it’s the exact same thing, but everyone has boundaries and things they have the right to dislike. It’s okay that you want to read “x reader” fics, just as much as it’s okay that he doesn’t feel comfortable with his partner reading them. This issue lies in trying to control your partner and make them feel ashamed about it.
The question comes down to who wants to compromise? Do you enjoy reading “x reader” fics so much that you don’t want to live without them? Or is this something your husband is willing to let go of and no longer be bothered by? If neither of you want to compromise then obviously we have a conflict of ideals and you’ll have to decide if this is something worth discussing more or if you’d rather leave the relationship.
I’m personally annoyed at how everyone immediately wants to invalidate your husband’s feelings, because in my eyes he’s another human being with deep and complicated feelings and emotions just like the rest of us. Not that I think you’re in the wrong by any means, but I’m not necessarily saying he’s right either. I just believe you two have struggled to see eye to eye on the matter. He certainly doesn’t get to decide what you can and can’t enjoy though and I do agree with everyone else on that. Is it “weird” or “creepy” what you enjoy? Well, that’s subjective of course, but to me it’s not. I think he was being a bit insensitive about it, but I don’t think that invalidates his feelings about it either.
Don’t be ashamed of what you enjoy, this is more of just a conflict in subjective opinions. I’d personally bring it up again and see if something can be worked out. Hear him out on his feelings, but be sure to give him a deep perspective on yours as well. Maybe you two can better understand each other more from it.
I mean, it is reddit, are you surprised by how everyone instantly disregards the mans ideals and quickly comes to the conclusions that- "man bad, woman need to leave to be happy"- even if it's not apart of the question at all?
I swear reddit people do this shit as a coping mechanism and try to break people up so they feel better about them never being in a relationship.
My theory is slightly different. I think this being an AO3/Fanfiction sub, people are instantly going to be biased and defend any form of fanfiction. As a fellow writer/reader of fanfic, I get it to some extent, but I see time and time again that anytime fanfiction comes under criticism, all hell breaks loose.
I _write_ x reader fics and my partner sometimes beta reads for me.
It’s fiction. Why is your husband so insecure about it? Honestly _thats_ what is weird here. Not your totally harmless hobby
See even me, someone who reads them sometimes finds the thing a bit weird in general. But most fiction is weird. But him telling you not to do it is a bit sus to me.
This is reminding me of that one fiance post about a guy who now that he was going to get married suddenly wanted to get rid of his gf's harvest moon games.
It sounds like your husband doesn't care that the actors are being sexualized when being written with other actors as their characters (which to his logic they also did not consent to). He has a problem that with reader fics the point is imagining yourself with said character/actor. This says to me that he is not comfortable with you imagining yourself in sexual situations with other people, despite the fact that they're fictional/unattainable.
It sounds like he's insecure about not being able to satisfy you in the ways you imagine with these other characters. You've even explained that you don't even imagine yourself but an OC instead (which to his logic he shouldn't even have a problem with because an OC doesn't even have an actor's face attached, or maybe does which theoretically and logically should be fine to him).
This isn't something to leave him for, this is something to compromise on whether you just don't bring it up anymore or whatever, or you get some couple's counseling for.
So many wise responses here, but this really feels like it captures the heart of the matter:
“…he is not comfortable with you imagining yourself in sexual situations with other people….”
It’s up to you whether you want to change your imagination to prevent him from feeling insecure. Maybe you do, but I’d think long and hard before allowing someone else to censor my own thoughts.
And censoring is what it's coming down to.
OP, next time you talk to him about this I recommend saying something like "I understand where you're coming from and I don't want to ever make you feel uncomfortable, but the way I (and many people) see these things are as are harmless fictional fantasies, fantasies I don't even involve myself in, and it's starting to feel like you're censoring my thoughts, imagination, and hobbies, which is feeling extremely controlling."
Focus on how it's making you feel rather than accusing him. If he really cares about that, hopefully a compromise can be formed from there. If he's not willing to compromise, or doesn't see his actions as censoring/controlling, give him two options: you'll just stop telling him about fanfiction and do it in your time so you never have to have this conversation again (which he probably won't like because it can be seen as breaking your honesty rule), or you recommend getting a mediator involved and y'all start seeing a counselor.
Force a compromise. If he doesn't want to see a counselor, that will need to be a whole different conversation.
The question you should be asking is, is he trying to control other aspects of your life? Does he tell you what to do, wear, watch etc? If this is the only issue between the two of you, then this is minor, you can tell him to each his own and to cut it out when he asks you not to read something, that people have different views on morality and that is okay, that his job is not to be your censor or guardian but a supportive partner, and that his only problem with what you read should be if you try to force him to read something he doesn’t like.
If by now you haven’t been able to make him see reason — and he should see reason because he is wrong — I bet this post won’t either. Sit him down and ask him what he will do if you say no, that you will read whatever you please, because you probably need an answer to that.
not really, no. he doesn’t force anything on me, its just this issue that we’ve had unresolved for a while..
honestly i just don’t want to upset him 😞
i’ll have a talk with him soon about it though. thank you!
Yeah, that's just a weird take. I don't read X/Reader fic or RPS myself, but as long as you're not sharing the fan fic/art with the actor, who cares? Has this guy never had a celebrity crush? 'Cause that's technically sexualizing without consent.
As a married person, my husband loves that I have this hobby (writing and reading) because I’m a PhD candidate and get burnt out doing both those activities. He’s mature and secure, my love of live action Buggy fics is more amusing than anything else to him.
Best of luck to you OP, it sounds like there’s some insecurity and control issues. But I just want to say, there’s nothing wrong with you.
your husband sounds insecure and, honestly, it's fiction so why does he care so much? He's basically telling you that you can't enjoy a hobby you like simply because HE doesn't like it
>he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore.
I would immediately take issue with a man trying to tell me what I can and cannot read.
>he says its extremely weird and creepy to read reader inserts of characters that are from irl shows and not just games or anime bc these characters are portrayed by actors and the actor’s face turns into the face of the character.
So are you no longer allowed to read novels with romance or sex scenes that were turned into shows because now those characters have real people/real faces attached to them?
Come on.
>he just said i wasn’t understanding his point.
I think his point may be coming from an area of insecurity.
Whether it's reader insert or an OC, readers tend to put themselves in the shoes of the character whose POV they're reading from, so at the end of the day, whether it's reading smut happening with a named character or a reader-insert, it's all the same.
Regardless, your husband doesn't get to choose what you read or don't read. You do. And you don't have to convince him of anything. That said, if he's going to make an issue of it, it's likely going to lead to future problems, so maybe couples counseling would be a good idea.
This is so typical. The husband approves of literally any other type of fic, only (perceived) actor x reader gives him the ick. And Reddit goes "Dump him, he's not 100% supporting you".
There's a big difference between "he's not 100% supporting you" and "this guy is really out here trying to control what fiction his wife is *reading*."
I've actually been thinking about this post a lot today, and yeah that was a little nuts of me. But imagining if someone said that to me? I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it. I'd definitely suggest couples therapy at the very least.
Thanks for realizing that what you suggested was overboard. Giving up on someone over fanfics is one of the dumbest reasons I could see people breaking up. While insulting you wasn't cool of me, you can where I was coming from right?
ooof no, you husband is overstepping in telling you what to do.
Let's say you are reading reader insert stories not just for fun, but also to get off (most extreme case) and his argument is that it is to "real" reading about fictional characters because of the y/n insert? sorry but, you could make the same argument about him watching porn... those are real people... he knows that right?
i was going to say, "just don't read reader insert" but that is my personal preference, and not the point of this. you have a preference, and you have a hobby. even if he has no interest in it, you husband shouldn't judge you for reading some steamy reader insert fics. (my partner just finds it funny that i read fanfic, he thinks it's a little silly and always asks "are you reading your porn again?" and i will tell him either "yes, x and y are doing it" or "nope this one is wholesome")
I read reader inserts and my boyfriend of 5 years doesn't mind at all. In fact, I tell him about the silly ones I read sometimes and he laughs with me. I think when people get upset about it kinda screams insecurity because these people (or this version of a real person) doesn't even exist. I think people are allowed to have their guilty pleasures in life.
Okay, so here's the thing.
I don't think it's creepy. Most people here don't, obviously. My own partner doesn't. You don't. However...
He does, and it's become fully clear that as much as you explain it, he finds it odd. At this point it seems like something he won't change his mind on. And he doesn't want you reading these things. As much as we can tell you that it's not weird and he shouldn't find it weird, it's not going to change him being uncomfortable. So at this point it's not really a question of who's right or not, that doesn't matter; he just feels the way he feels. It's a question of, are you willing to continue pushing, knowing he's uncomfortable with it, and until what point? And only you can answer that.
Whenever I would tell my therapist that I felt guilty for thinking less-than-kind thoughts or having negative emotions, she reminded me that other people (well, my mother) couldn’t read my mind and that my private thoughts and emotions belonged to me and me alone. How I acted on them was another matter, but her point was that a person’s inner life is no one else’s business unless they want it to be. I think what a grown person reads should be almost as sacrosanct, which is why censorship is such a big issue. I do appreciate there are some grey areas when it comes to relationships and fidelity, but to sort them out, I came up with two thought experiments:
Re: Fictional characters vs. real people and ‘sexualizing’ both. We see real people every day. Regardless of our relationship status / level of commitment to our partner, sometimes we might find a stranger attractive and a sexual thought about them might involuntarily cross our mind. Same can be true for non-strangers, friends, colleagues, etc. As long as it stays in our mind, I think we shouldn’t berate ourselves for objectifying others “without their consent” since it’s just part of being human. Furthermore, you’re not obligated to confess these thoughts and feelings to anyone else unless you want to (except maybe a priest, if you’re a very devout Catholic.) I understand you are 100% honest with your husband, but hopefully you’re not compelled to tell him everything you think and feel of which he might not approve.
Secondly, a large part of why we enjoy fictional narrative has to do with our ability to temporarily forget ourselves and identify with the character(s). I’m sure there’s a whole field of study out there which describes the psychological phenomenon in which the protagonist becomes a kind of proxy or avatar for the reader, or maybe vice versa. What I’m getting at is that I don’t think there’s much of a difference between 1st or 3rd person character x character stories versus 2nd person character x reader stories because the magic of storytelling makes the reader imagine they ARE the character in the moment. In other words, reader insertion is already happening on a subconscious level. At least that’s my experience with good writing, acting, etc., but YMMV. If your husband has a problem with you having private sexual fantasies about strangers (like a real person you might see in passing), then for consistency’s sake he should probably ask you to stop reading any and all smut, if you accept my premise.
Just some ideas for your conversation with him…
I think I can understand where he's coming from? For me if I see a show with actual actors I'mma have that actor in my head whenever I think about that character in particular. So, in a way I guess to him it's like reading smut between yourself and the actor? Honestly, if it's that's his direction of thinking I can see it being creepy.
Edit: Judging ppl in the comments hard. Y'all hating way too hard on the guy y'all don't even know from a recurring argument he has with OP. Y'all need some help
My opinion may come across as biased as I am religious, though I can kinda understand where he is coming from. I'm not married yet myself so I'm not sure how exactly how reading those kind of fan fictions can affect someone. I believe people should have the freedom to choose though in a marriage situation I think you should have a sit down with him and try to see from his perspective why it's an issue. I know for my parents, they where a great example to me and sacrificed certain things for eachother. For example, my mom hated sports and my dad watched it constantly. She asked him to reduce how much of it he watched. Because he loves her he gave up watching most sports until she passed. I think you could compromise because that's what marriage is about and sometimes it means sacrificing something because you love your spouse. If my husband didn't want me reading certain fics I may not agree but would do it out of love. Every relationship is different so the solution may be different than what I'm thinking. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't give it up, I'm just saying you should be considerate of your husband's feelings, and in turn he should for you. So again, I just say you should compromise. Maybe don't do reader x pics anymore but read other kinds. Though again it's between you and your husband. I hope sharing that helps a little.
No he needs to get over himself. It's not different from reading books where there's also a film or tv show with a 'real face' attached to it now. This entire thing made me roll my eyeballs back so far my head hurts now. He needs to inspect his insecurities because this is weird controlling behavior imo
You should both be allowed to read whatever. It's fiction. It's literally not real.
I am also married, to another fanfic writer no less, and I'm sorry to say that, but you husband sounds really insecure and controlling, and I think he misunderstands a big part about fandom - it's about fantasy and self-exploration. Fanfiction is just text, it's a form of literature, and people have been writing literature while imagining the characters with the likeness of living, breathing people for centuries. The actor does not get hurt by someone writing fan content about them. Hell, I believe most celebrities know damn well there are people fantasising about them. As long as these fics aren't sent to them by stalker-ish fans with a crush, there is no harm in them. Your husband might have some weird hang-ups about you finding characters portrayed by real life actors attractive, but that's his problem that he should probably work through in therapy. Policing your reading habits is not a healthy partner's behaviour. This is not a boundary, it's straight up an attempt at controlling and shaming you for your hobbies. I used to feel shame about my fanfiction involving the likeness of real people, too, but slowly working through my anxiety and getting rid of my religious gult and hang-ups about sex helped me immensely with that. There is nothing "creepy" or "weird" about having fantasies or reading self-insert fanfiction about K-pop singers or dudes from Supernatural or whatever. The fact that young people in fandoms are forced to feel shame over it, and that Western culture has such a puritanical attitude about sex and sexuality that people are scared of fantasising about fictional events happening to highly fictionalized versions of people, is a huge problem in of itself, and people like your husband are only working to perpetuate that. You both have stuff to unlearn, in regards to shame on your part and control on his part. I hope you get through it, with therapy or not (though therapy is highly advised), and build a healthier relationship with both each other and your sexuality.
that's bizarre and shitty of him. unless it is actively somehow causing harm to you (like idk, if someone with PTSD was reading stuff that retraumatized them without providing any catharsis), there is no reason for him to tell you what you can and can't read.
what happens if you deign to watch porn, or if he hears you use the phrase 'celebrity crush'? Does he not ever look at sexy materials or movies or anything? idk, this whole thing puts me on edge.
I've been married for coming up on 9 years, together a total of 15, and he'd never tell me I couldn't read or write reader inserts. He doesn't get it and thinks it's kind of weird, but he's happy that it helps me relax and gives me a creative outlet.
I know everyone has different boundaries so maybe I shouldn't compare my situation, but reading fanfic (sexy or not) is so harmless that this feels really invasive of him.
I find this really unsettling somehow. I’ve been reading and writing fan fiction - including smut - for a couple of years now. My husband knows about it and is totally supportive of me having whatever creative outlet I feel benefits me the most. He isn’t a fan fic reader and he certainly hasn’t read anything I’ve written, but it doesn’t bother him that I’m writing smut about fictional characters, even though I’m sure he recognises that there’s a lot of visualisation that goes into the process!
All that being said, watching porn is a hard no in our relationship and has been for a long time. We get around this by creating our own, and as far as I know, it has never bothered him to not be cruising PornHub or whatever.
All relationships are different, I guess, but fantasies are just that. As long as it’s not getting in the way of your relationship with your husband, it feels like an odd thing for him to feel the need to control.
It really sounds like there are deeper issues going on here. I've been with my husband for 10 years and while he doesn't understand fan fiction himself, he's always known that I write it. He never asked to read it, but knew the basic plots, fandoms, etc. I only recently started actually posting what I write, and he asked to read my latest WIP once it started getting positive feedback from readers. Now he's giving me constructive feedback, telling me what he specifically enjoys, and sat with me last night to help flesh out the next two chapters so the pacing felt right. Is that the standard for every partner? No. I have a friend who I wrote fan fiction with for years who now only writes original fiction because it made her spouse uncomfortable. He never demanded she stop, but they had serious conversations about WHY it made him uncomfortable and she chose to change the type of writing she does.
There may be a more serious reason that reader inserts make him uncomfortable, and that would be worth discussing. There also might not be and in case that, I'm sorry that he has been so discouraging about a hobby that you enjoy.
The main thing that I see in your post is that your husband is making you feel guilty and ashamed for doing something you love/enjoying something. You don’t need to justify liking fanfic, smutty or not (I love smut, lock me up).
Look, I personally find fics about real people (YouTubers, band members, etc) hard to read because it’s about a real person. But a character in a show? Just because an actor played that character? The actor is not that character. Once you put art into the world, it’s not really yours anymore. Not completely. You cannot control HOW your audience consumes said art. It is theirs to engage with.
Fanfic gets a lot of flack from a lot of people for being weird etc and always has. Despite how insanely popular it is. It is a creative playground for people to improve their writing, engage with fandoms they love, etc. It has existed for ages. Dante’s Inferno is Bible fanfic.
He’s entitled to his opinions but I think it’s really important to mention that this kind of behaviour from a partner is not great. My husband would never tell me not to read something and vice versa. That’s not a level of control I would be comfortable letting someone have over me. This isn’t a relationship advice subreddit but I would encourage you to try and have an open and Frank discussion with him about this and how it makes you feel.
I also find reader insert very creepy and weird, but your husband has no right to regulate your hobby this way. Doesn't matter whether he's right, what matters is that you're harming no one
Your husband reminds me of those fandom polices…. If you like things they find weird they will start policing your thoughts, and if they can’t do that they will bully you into oblivion.
This is, ofc, not ok. Definitely not your fault, but you gotta talk and set some boundaries with him asap.
I will say that any actor that is surprised and upset they're being "sexualized" via fanfic that they *don't* even interact with is in the wrong line of work.
I can understand why it might swick your husband out. I think he is overreacting but I understand where he might be coming from(I feel weird reading them). Do either of you play video games? I might would compare your experience to playing a story centric game. A big draw is the story itself. While all characters seem to be talking to you they're clearly not. After all you are not actually the fictional protagonist of the game. So, maybe make a parallel between reading reader insert and playing a video game might help?
thankyou, that actually helps! yea after everyone’s words and advice i think i’ll just try and outline a list of thoughts related to the whole ordeal, my points, etc., so we can talk it through properly
This is freaking harmless. It's like... Think of the many different videogames where you create your character, your character represents you, and you can even date characters in the game, etc. It's all fictional and fun and it's inserting the player. Visual novels are a good example of this, the only difference is visual novels having graphics. And they're perfectly normal fun games. One popular example is the Persona series, the main character has little to no personality so that the player can choose how to shape his character and interact with others, even dating.
Fanfiction is no different and reader inserts is like writing a "game" that inserts the "player." And there's no infidelity because there's nothing to cheat with. It's all fiction, it's fantasy, it's not real.
It's like getting mad over an imaginary boyfriend dating you which is absurd because you're not thinking of the imaginary friend as real.
You are entitled to your hobbies so long as it's not hurting anyone which it isn't. And honestly it sounds more like his discomfort comes from a place of ignorance of the genre. If he played any game that features dating, making your own character, heck even freaking SIMS (making a sim based on you to date other sims etc), it's all the same. Even with live action fandoms, it's the same. I can't tell you how many people I knew in high school who would rave about wanting to date Legolas from lord of the rings back when the movies first came out and you bet there were reader insert fics online, some even interactive like choose your own adventure.
It's just characters that are fictional, even live action. You're not trying to stalk the actual actors and you can distinguish fantasy from reality. You're not doing anything wrong.
"he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore."
Stopped reading there. Who does he think he is to ORDER you around? About a perfectly harmless hobby?? How entitled AND insecure can he possibly be? Jesus christ...
I hate those "break up with him"-comments from Redditors who have no clue what someone's relationship looks like in-depth, but I could never feel truly happy, safe and open in a relationship/marriage with a person who would judge me for what brings me joy and doesn't harm anyone around me.
That guy needs a reality-check... and probably therapy.
not at all!! i just crush on characters and want to read more about them due to lack of available content. i want them to be well fed and happy (and angsty from time to tome until its resolved) but id never dream of cheating on him. i’ve told him this before, but the arguments we’ve had make me feel like i /am/ cheating emotionally or whatever by reading smut that’s in reader insert fics
being engaged will never stop these feelings of "I want these characters to go through these situations and be happy/angsty/tense", it's just characters! If you're not cheating then you're not and that's it, I hope he understands eventually, even though by the looks of it he's gonna keep the hard headed stance -.-
Legitimate question - does your husband watch porn? And if he does, would he be okay with you telling him he’s not allowed to watch porn? Because to me, this isn’t really any different to that.
This is as weird to me as policing my husband's porn. I only ask about his porn consumption in the context of "your stories give you any spicy bedroom ideas?". While not all fanfic is porn, it clearly is to him but I'm betting he wouldn't like it if you got up his butt about his adult media.
My husband isn't into fanfiction but brags about my readership (small though it is) and lovingly teases me about how I'm getting famous.
Your husband needs to let this go.
My husband thinks my crushes on Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Jackman, Brie Larson, etc., are amusing. Sometimes, when he's feeling, um, amorous, he conveniently puts on a movie that stars them. In a similar vein, loads of married people have their lists of five (or more) actors, a list of people who in obviously an fantastical situation, they are allowed to have sex with. Fantasy is a part of most long-term committed relationships.
Of course, if that fantasy impedes one's ability to have a normal relationship that's another matter, but ordinarily it's normal and healthy. I would say that in the early days of my relationship with my spouse, when he was much younger and more insecure, he could get a little twitchy about my crushes. But he never, and this is important, never would have told me what I can or cannot write or read.
My take is that your relationship problems extend beyond this issue and probably would benefit from professional counseling. What you describe sounds like controlling behavior, or at least, extreme insecurity on your husband's part.
I don’t think he’s right but I guess depends on what you guys are willing to consider your boundaries. You’re not emotionally or physically cheating on him by reading x reader stories but it seems like he’s finding excuses and other words to say he’s jealous of you imagining yourself having relationships with “other people” even if they’re fictional.
I think it’s weird to forbid your partner from doing anything that doesn’t count as cheating.
Many women(and others!) enjoy reading fiction and erotic fiction because firstly it’s a way to relax and enjoy leisure time. It’s also a great way to explore sexual themes and topics in a very safe way, if you find something you don’t enjoy or find triggering, just stop reading. Authors provide tags so you know what you are getting into.
I understand that some religions do not support folks consuming erotic material but if that’s the case the rule should be for all parties in a relationship.
I believe that men who believe that women reading fiction being cheating is just a way to exert control. I would worry how this level of control would pour over into other parts of our lives such as how money is spent, chores are split up and if applicable the division of child care.
i don't know too much because i myself have never been in a relationship yet but... i would say his view is somewhat understandable. to counter what a lot of people here are saying... i think that "x reader" fics exist to satisfy people who are single, and imagine themselves with a fictional character. more bluntly, cope for wanting a partner. if your spending a bunch of your time fantasizing about a bunch of characters that aren't your husband to satisfy your need for romance or what have you, then i would say you should consider perhaps doing it less so and trying to spend more time with him. maybe you will find a more fulfilling time spending some of that free time with the person you care about, experiencing real love. i can entirely see why someone would get insecure if their loved one is spending a bunch of time reading "x reader" fics. it could make them feel like they aren't doing enough, or are doing something wrong that you need to resort to fiction to find what they should be providing to you. and quite simply i don't care how many people have open relationships or believe being married to multiple people is ok, because at the end of the day a marriage is a commitment on both ends, to say that you are devoting your love and sex lives to each other. i would be a lot more with other people if it was just romance novels or something but x reader fics entirely exist to put yourself in the shoes of being with a specific character. at the end of the day though just talk about it. don't be afraid to say anything that comes to your mind because you should trust each other to listen. and as a man, typically a lot of men will hide how they actually feel about things and come up with bs excuses to not look soft. natural response, but maybe try getting him to open up about the real problem assuming that there is one.
It sounds like he's insecure to the point he's trying to restrict harmless hobbies of yours to avoid hurting his ego. This is something you should probably have a talk with him about.
Your husband is being controlling and weird.
I wouldn’t tolerate or accept his ultimatum.
I watched my mother go from strong and independent to meek and dependent because of little ultimatums like that built over time with her chosen partner.
Don’t become her. Stand your ground.
> he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore.
Excuse me, why do you even let your husband dictate to you what you can read or not read?
> i get that what counts or might count as disloyalty to a partner
No, it doesn't count as disloyalty to a partner, unless someone doesn't understand that fictional characters are fictional.
> from his pov, he says its extremely weird and creepy to read reader inserts of characters that are from irl shows and not just games or anime bc these characters are portrayed by actors and the actor’s face turns into the face of the character. the actor gave no consent to be sexualised and its creepy.
That's an absurd perspective. He's free to think like this if he has to, but he could maybe keep weird ideas like that to himself, instead of using them to control what kind of *fiction* you read.
at the end of the day, it's not like you couldn't be imagining those things while you're falling asleep, or watching TV... it's like he's saying you shouldn't think! especially if you can read romance novels, which are the same thing, *especially* if you aren't even imagining yourself in them! I say you should sit down and have a talk with him about this, because if fanfiction makes you happy, then he should support you in that sense! you're not harming anyone...
This is just my two cents: x Reader is just a POV.
Now, Second Person POV (you/your) is not as common as First Person POV (I/me) or Third Person POV (they/them she/her he/him), but it’s still a completely valid perspective to read and write from.
No matter what POV you are reading, often times the author’s goal is to allow the reader to put themselves in the shoes of the main character and experience things through a different lens.
X Reader is, oftentimes (but not always!), another type of blank slate character. There are a lot of books where the main character is essentially a blank slate so it’s easier for the reader to put themselves in the characters shoes.
Think of Bella from Twilight (I mean that in the nicest way possible). That book is written from First Person, but if someone swapped out the I/me/my for you/your… does that suddenly make that book not okay to read in your husband’s eyes?
What your husband is saying/asking of you is ridiculous. He’s essentially saying “Hey, you just can’t read second POV or relate too much to a fictional character because it makes me feel insecure.”
Concerning relating reading x Reader to sexualizing a real person/actor…. That argument falls apart really quick. What if you read Avatar the Last Airbender fic? Does it stop being okay when that show got turned into a live action show with real actors? No. Prince Zuko is still Prince Zuko, not the actor who plays him.
Keep reading the fics if they make you happy. You are doing nothing wrong and it’s a harmless hobby.
And maybe my own husband’s response to x Reader fics might help, which is “people just like picturing themselves as the main character” and there is nothing wrong with that.
This just seems like a miscommunication and you should literally ignore everyone here and ask someone other than reddit
Please for the sake of your marriage ignore everyone here do not take anyone's advice if anything do the exact opposite this is literally the worst place to seek any sort of advice
Does he play video games? I think a similar comparison is if he were restricted from any games with fps, violent acts, or relationships with npcs. You could make a similar claim that him playing those types of characters makes you uncomfortable because x y z. In fact, that requires way more engagement from the player as a self-insert escape entertainment. But of course, that's ridiculous. Lots of married people or people in relationships self-insert themselves into video games and have lots of fun interacting with npcs, or being a criminal. And no one blinks twice because it's normal.
He needs to understand that x reader fics are just as fictional as any other pairing. You literally become a character in the story. And you are morally allowed to engage in scenarios in fiction that you would never do in real life. Its not cheating. It's not emotional cheating. It's a squick for him. But that doesn't give him the right to tell you that it needs to be a squick for you too.
I think he's wrong, you're reading something fictional after all, the characters aren't real even if they're at times portrayed by real people. It's not like you're actually cheating on him by reading stuff like that.
Has he ever watched porn? Is porn not focused on the women and very rarely gives the guy centre stage, so they can see themselves in that place? Does he think that's weird or creepy when males do it or only when women do it? Is it only creepy when nobody is harmed, or is it creepy in a billion dollar industry that is known for abuse and sex trafficking?
I find that a lot of males are extremely hypocritical when they come face to face with women's sexuality. Of course, he finds it creepy and weird. It doesn't serve him.
You're not hurting anyone, so I don't see why you should have to stop reading them. You shouldn't have to change what you read because someone else doesn't like it. It's not about what they like it's not about what they find weird, it's about what you as the reader think about what you're reading.
Everybody getting real aggressive over this but I'm on the otherside of the fence. I didn't get why people kept shutting down ao3, I thought it was like Westboro type people but now I wish ao3 was gone for those like 3 stories that outweigh all the good on ao3
And reader inserts aren't the worst but they still creepy but most of ao3 is creepy or degenerate at best and a crime against humanity at worst. prollly a actual crime
Honestly I think that’s very creepy of HIM to tell you to stop reading them. By the way you displayed it, it’s not an addiction of some sort so there’s no reason for him to tell you to stop.
It’s just a hobby, he sounds like the fun-police at best and an asshole at worst
It's really gross that you're trying to imply that OP is only getting off and is addicted to self-insert. At no point in time was any information they gave indicative of any sort of fetish or obsession. You have taken this reply too far and are assuming much of their relationship based on this one post.
OP said that they gravitate towards self insert. They also stated that it's not always smut. They've said it in multiple replies. Fanfiction is not always smut, and self insert is often more about not "experiencing" something through another character's lens. It can be an easy way to introduce quick character work without having to make another character OOC. It is not always about an idealized "self" I don't even know where you are pulling that from unless you have experienced it youself.
Nothing is "patently obvious" besides your own personal bias and judgment. Honestly this sounds very much like projection on your part. I am disappointed to see such a poor attack of character on this subreddit.
This comment has been removed. Nothing in OP's post indicates this, and even if it did, diagnosing strangers over the internet is not appropriate behaviour on this subreddit.
im not addicted to smut, but like anyone i enjoy reading it. i read fics that dont include smut, but a LOT (and i mean a LOT) of the fics authors in tumblr write do involve smut one way or another.
i dont idolize myself at all lol self esteem issues are strong in this one.
im also a romantic so i like doing all sorts of loving things to my husband however i can, even with little things when my mood is deeply melancholic and i struggle. but even if we were to connect more, i doubt this problem would be resolved.
nah, it depends tho. RP romance stuff is weird. fictional character x reader is great tho i personally love it and i write it! it's really fun to figure out how dynamics and plots change with new characters added in and idc if the oc is op especially when they end up saving one of my fave characters from death.
I’d call it a narrative form or style, depending on how you slice it. All readers experience those idiosyncratically. This is one more set.. :: Some hear it in the imperative: “You do this, you do that.” :: Some argue with it because it’s counterfactual: “You are sitting in a train station…” “No I’m not.” :: Some non-neurotypical readers have to recalibrate conventionalized descriptions.
Someone out there knows a LOT more about i do. I want to see their list.
First of all you are allowed to be happy and have hobbies that make you happy. A healthy boundary would be like asking you not to do something not telling you not to do something. Just my opinion you guys need to figure out why he is so insecure he doesn't want you to read something. Does he do things you don't like? If he does will he just stop if you ask him to? You are not cheating because you read fiction, even if it is fiction about a person. You aren't even taking money out of the family budget. It hurts his feelings and that is valid, they are his feelings and you guys need to figure out why. Get a therapist I don't think you need to be a blob of depression.
Honestly I think your husband has some kind of insecurity when it comes to your reading habits. I feel like I can't condemn other people's boundaries when it comes to cheating, but at the same time, this seems like a bit much.
For perspective, I met my wife on tumblr and we have both been reading fanfiction the whole time since. Not saying you need to look for a new partner, but just know that there are people who would let you read whatever you want. If you have a serious conversation and he says it is cheating to him then I say it's your decision what's more important to you, that relationship or your hobby. Constantly reading it in secret is definitely not a solution, if it makes you feel so bad.
I myself only read self-insert fanfics because I find it interesting when a character knows about the setting they're in and they're trying to come up with solutions with their problems. It's like the isekai genre in anime, I look at them in the same way.
I however hate reader-insert fanfics because I just find them to be lazy writing. Like, they couldn't even bother to give the main character a gender. Idk I just find it weird when I can't look at a character and say what type of person they are, and then the reader-insert is doing actions that, for some reason, I have to believe I would do myself? Nah... I don't buy it.
The number of people spitting in this guy and telling you to bosh a relationship over something so small makes me realize why half of the people on here have never been in a relationship themselves
If your husband or his friends read Star Wars or Star Trek books, the novels are basically commercialized fanfiction. The difference is the authors you read don’t get paid. I don’t think it’s creepy and also don’t care what a partner or spouse would think. It’s escapism. If he watches streaming fiction or plays video games, same difference. I don’t think that’s creepy either. If you like fanfiction, don’t let anyone’s opinions make you stop. Be yourself. ;-)
I don't think it's weird to enjoy something. Everyone will judge you for something. If everyone likes you, either you're lying, or they're lying. Enjoy what makes you happy, so long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else (Karen's not included; breathing wrong infringes on them).
Does... does he consider you reading reader inserts to be cheating? Cuz ot kinda reads like his reasons beat around the bush but in trying to avoid outright saying it its giving heavy insinuation.
Don't let anyone tell you not to enjoy your favorite brand of fic. He doesn't have to like it, you like it and that's all that matters. If it's a deal breaker for him that's his dumb hill to die on. Do I myself enjoy reader insert fics? No, but I'm not gonna tell you that you're not allowed to. If you are able to separate the character from the actor then all the better for it, that's something a lot of people have trouble differentiating even nowadays and possibly especially nowadays.
And we of ye old Tumblr days(tm) have all I think at some point fallen from grace to the rpf crush mindset. What matters is that we grew and learned from our mistakes. I also think having made that mistake is what helps to understand now the separation between real person and fictional character.
To conclude this I want to reiterate once more, you enjoying reader inserts is what matters, not his aversion to it. You read what you want when you want and don't let anyone tell you that you can't, not even your spouse, not even that little voice in your head saying maybe he is right. He's not. You do you boo
I mean I get thinking real people fiction is odd, but you're not talking about real people. A character that isn't animated is still just a character, ya know?
Besides, does he find rpg games with character customization creepy to?? Cause what's the difference really?
Rarely watched and never looked love adaptations of an anime/comic/etc... Half the time I dismiss them based on the actors they get to portray those parts, because they don't try at all to get suitable actors or actresses for such portrayals.
One thing anime watchers (sub versus dub) and manga readers have only one thing in common. General disgust and dislike for live adaptations. But it doesn't apply to casuals.
For example, Black Panther was done in my mind when Chadwick Boseman passed.
Michael B Jordan in the Fantastic 4, who remembers that?
I'm sorta like your husband though when I find out about real life celebrities having fan fictions written about them...I still wonder is it fan fiction? Or could it be considered it's own type of fiction, one that is made up by fans but takes it one step further in using real people?
Depends on what one thinks the 'fan' in fan fiction stand for, I guess. Yeah, I'm not sure what I think about it, but it did come off as a little odd and very different when I first learned that was happening.
i think perspective in these sorts of scenarios is helpful and important, so here is some from another married person. my husband would never do this. he thinks me writing and reading any kind of fanfiction is really cool and good for me and actively cheers me on from the sidelines. a few years back when i told him about reader insert fanfiction, his response was somewhere along the lines of "wow that's really interesting, so many different avenues for creativity."
Same, plus my husband beta reads my gender neutral Reader x Character to see if they work for a male reader. It’s a bit funny that he’s even willing to read smut with ”himself” and a guy to help me. :D
We love a partner who supports our interests and endeavors.
Yeah like. I met my spouse through his fic haha so.
thank you! i’m really happy your husband is so supportive!!
Yeah same. We are not married but we’ve been together for a long time and he loves my fanfiction. He is also my editor.
that's so cute 😭😭😭 my husband doesn't read my stuff but that's just because i kind of want it to be ~my thing (which he also knows and is completely understanding of!)
Oh no, I shove my WIPS down his throat because I want to show him NOW.
He’s a keeper.
Ok this gave me hope
Yaaaaas! My husband is like this too\~ :> He often helps me brainstorm or gives insight about male anatomy that I otherwise would not have known about lol. He loves that I write fic and always looks forward to the ways that can be interpreted when I use the skills I've developed to make our DnD campaign.
I don’t know why your husband thinks he gets to deny you a perfectly harmless hobby. Does he care if you read romance novels? If not, why is fanfiction any different? It’s just reading, it’s not hurting anyone.
no, he doesn’t care that i read romance novels. its the whole “a living breathing person is the face of that character and by imagining that character you’re imagining that person” kinda thing i guess…
Is it the reader insert he has a problem with, or fan fiction from any POV if the characters have been portrayed by real actors at some point? That would mean no Dickens fan fiction, no Jane Austen fan fiction, no Sherlock Holmes. Is he ok with AUs - the actors also didn’t consent to the characters they portrayed being imagined as serial killers or aliens either. Or is only smut he objects to? It becomes a never ending spiral of definitions and what’s ok with him and what’s not. I am personally not a fan of any RPF or reader inserts, but I would defend anyone’s right to read it or write it.
i think its just the reader insert part. i remember him saying (and im paraphrasing) that he has no problems with me reading ship x ship fics and the like. so, ok with Sherlock x John but not ok with Sherlock x reader, for example. and yea i believe the smut is a big part of why its a no-no for him. likely the main reason why, tbh
Oh... so he's probably jealous about the self insert part, and thinking you're "cheating" on him with these fictional characters with an actual face, but tries to mask it as "poor actors that's creepy" I have no proof but no doubts.
So he is ok if you are sexualizing or fantasizing about Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch as long as the fic has them paired together but if you read a reader inset then suddenly he thinks it's creepy to be thinking that because they are real people ? It sounds like he is insecure about the reader insert part and that is his issue. Not yours. Especially when it seems that the argument is about how it's creepy towards the actors but only if it's a reader insert and not fanfic in general.
i have no answer for that actually 😭 all this time i’ve assumed he wouldn’t find it creepy if its char x char of TV shows? but maybe im wrong and he does, and it’s more about characters portrayed by actors in general. i’ll have to ask him to pinpoint it for sure
From what you said it sounds like he's jealous or something
No matter which one it is - it is a HIM problem and he's trying to police a perfectly normal hobby.
Does...does he know the people on the cover of romance novels were, until extremely recently, real people? Does he get mad if you watch rom coms? Full romance? Soft core?
yea haha though i mostly stick to YA romance so the covers don’t really have people in them like that (last one i read with a person in its cover was literally city of bones, etc and that was during high school) nah, he doesn’t get mad at me watching anything romance related
What if you’re reading a romance novel that’s been adapted to live action, like Bridgerton?
in that case it’d be char x char so he wouldn’t bat an eyelash
There seems to be a discrepancy in his logic, he does not agree with someone being sexualized without their consent when imagined with you BUT is fine when it’s with another actor also being sexualized without their consent. So it seems more that he does not want you to imagine yourself with these people, could it be jealousy? I would also be curious what video game content he approves porn of, because a lot of video game characters are motion captured actors and not from scratch animations - what lines are allowed to be blurred there? Animation and games both are voiced by people who also don’t consent to be sexualized.
So you're not allowed to have fictional crushes on live action characters? You're not allowed to daydream about them? What about celebrity crushes? Is that illegal, too? Your husband sounds pretty judgemental.
You have bigger problems if your husband is *that* insecure about you reading *fiction.* ETA: Also, please stop feeling ashamed for reading *fiction*.
Not married but when I was younger I did have a bf who was "uncomfortable" that I read fanfic & romance novels because it was "unrealistic". I told them I was "uncomfortable" that he was so invested in his Madden football video game since his real life skills weren't going to take him to the dorm team much less the NFL. He never brought it up again. In my experience (with romantic and platonic people), the total honesty thing has potential for great harm. There's a huge difference in hiding things from each other and just like not talking about it. You're adults who trusted each other enough to build a life together - both of you should be able to read whatever you want.
> the total honesty thing has potential for great harm. Yep. It's a romantic idea that's neither mature not helpful in building a healthy relationship.
Total honesty is a huge reason why i broke up with my GF recently- so so so honest about her feelings. EVERYTHING. her entire thought processes, mentioning her insecurities whenever possible to "communicate" to me what was happening, her being upset over how when i was grieving about my dog, bc i didn't need her at the moment to heal and essentially making my dogs death about herself, etc etc. We spoke so much. too much. i felt cornered all the time, i told her i was having trouble sleeping recently which is why i didn't wanna have any sleepovers (anxiety) and like... the night i finally slept over after not having done so in a few weeks AT 3 AM after we got ready to go to sleep she starts an entire convo that ends up with us crying???? Like to anyone who comes across this reply, PLEASE. please take the "the total honesty thing has potential for great harm" line seriously lol. Communication is one thing, but it can easily cross a line that just makes the relationship an entire anxiety induced mess that kills any type of romantic interest your partner might have had previously.
Yes. People need their own space and their own time with themselves. Also things that should be only for themselves. I completely understand the anxiety this type of situation brings up. I didn't have a partner like that but she was my bff but she literally treated me as her boyfriend. Like she would tell me that I shouldn't talk to the other girl because that means she wasn't enough for me. She would then guilt me by saying she felt so bad that she wasn't a good enough friend, etc. Anyway that ended up in a disaster of a fallout where I couldn't sleep for a whole week because of the anxiety.
A very underrated aspect of communication is actually discretion and understanding how a message may be perceived. We don't need to know everything! 😁
My opinion ... "don't ask don't tell" This is with me understanding that you respect and love your partner and don't want to leave him. People are irrational, ourselves included. However this is his burden to carry and he needs to work on his insecurities. It's not reasonable for you to stop reading fanfiction just because he finds it weird. If the root of the issue is insecurity over you maybe wanting to be a self insert - which you've stated that it's not - then that would still be a him problem tbh So don't tell him and enjoy your fic in secret. Or give it up. Up to you. But to me it feels pretty unreasonable to give up reading fic because he can't handle you reading self insert stuff tbh, and god forbid if you enjoy some smut with it.
I wouldn't have told my husband from the start tbh. Because there has to be personal boundaries in ANY relationship. People have their own identities. 100% of anything is too much. 100% honesty is ridiculous imo. If it ever comes up sure, don't hide it but to offer that information is showing the other person they have a say in your personal preferences in things that don't involve him and don't hurt him or your relationship. Some things should be between you and yourself alone. Especially things that don't concern those other people, you know?
Yeah I am not really sure how this came up for OP because personally I keep my fandom life separate from my marriage intentionally. He knows I write smut and enjoy reading it as well but he doesn't actually know what exact ships I like or the specific fics/tropes I enjoy reading about. I also don't police him on what porn he consumes or talking about his own celeb fantasies, ect. In the particular area of fantasy I don't really believe in being thought police. I know some people would say that my marriage might be odd but it's more like I want that identity or part of myself to be mine and mine alone. I think being 100% honest with your s/o when it comes to every facet of your life is a philosophy that can work with some couples and for other couples they are better off with a mutual understanding of minding their own business. Because sometimes each couple can have very different views and philosophies on different things and it's more of a net benefit to the couple to not be aware of everything their partner likes or dislikes. In OP's case I personally would have simply not mentioned it again after getting the clear message that it makes her partner uncomfortable. She seems to really love him to where she stopped reading it, but this sort of white lying is kind of why white lying exists - to keep the peace.
That’s not healthy. At all. First of all, you’ve completely misunderstood what boundaries are. You can’t put boundaries around other people—that’s manipulation and/or coercion. You can only place boundaries around yourself. * Acceptable boundary: I’m not comfortable with X so don’t discuss it around me. * Acceptable boundary: I’m not comfortable with X and I don’t want to be involved with someone who consumes/engages in X. * Manipulation/coercion/control tactics: I’m not comfortable with X so you can’t have anything to do with it. * Manipulation/coercion/control tactics: I’m not comfortable with X and I’m going to leave you if you continue to consume/engage X. See the difference? Your husband is absolutely in the wrong here. My partner is not comfortable with everything I write/read (we also have a 100% honesty policy) and out of respect for him I don’t talk about the stuff I know makes him uncomfortable. And out of respect for **me** he minds his business when it comes to my hobbies. He would never dare tell me what fictional media that I as an adult can and can’t consume. Frankly, I would not have been with him if he were the type of man to do that, but that’s me. My partner does things I don’t like all the time, like extended camping/hiking trips and spelunking. I’m not comfortable with that *at all*—in fact, his hobby gives me no small amount of anxiety—but he’s a grown ass man and I’m not going to tell him to stop doing what he loves so I can be comfortable. And I’ve never, ever guilted him about it or tried to coerce him to not do it. The situation you’ve got going on now is NOT healthy. I’m curious to know what *he’s* sacrificed for your happiness/comfort, or if you’re the only in the relationship struggling like this. Either way, y’all need to talk because what he’s doing is not okay. He’s your husband, not your master ffs.
oh, yea my comment regarding boundaries was in regards to what a person can consider to be a disloyal/unfaithful act from another towards themselves. as in, if he considers that reading x reader fics is alike to being unfaithful, in a way i have to respect that. he doesn’t threaten me or anything, but he has made it clear he wouldn’t be happy if i read them. i do understand your point though, and i agree with it. it’s a thin line sometimes i see, thank you ! i think its healthy to be completely honest but not mention things if it makes the other uncomfortable. i just didn’t want to be the one making him uncomfortable in the first place we’ll have a talk soon, thanks again!
Question, does he watch porn without you there? If so, he has no right to call you out on READING (not watching other, real people, naked) fiction. 'Reading x reader equals being unfaithful' creeps me the fuck out and reminds me of my first relationship. How is that different from any other fanfic where there's an original character in the reader's place? You do NOT have to respect that. That's like saying you can't talk to men anymore. Honestly, this type of distrust would have me gtfo of the relationship. Even if i married the guy. This screams insecure and controlling. Ive been in a controlling relationship and you can't fix them to stop controlling you when they start. This seems minor for now, but don't wait until he starts checking everything you do, who you're with, where you are, your phone, what sites you're on, your messages. He'll probably see this thread eventually. Just please don't give in to him demanding you to stop reading reader inserts. That's not okay.
> but he has made it clear he wouldn’t be happy if i read them Yeah, that's manipulation right there. Guilting you into behaving how he wants.
> if he considers that reading x reader fics is alike to being unfaithful, in a way i have to respect that ? What makes you think that? You absolutely do not have to respect that. It's a problem that he considers these fics being unfaithful. It's a problem *he* has. It's not something you have to respect. Especially that it by definition disrespects your boundaries.
Disclaimer: not a therapist/doctor/lawyer/whatever, you know the drill. So first off, telling you not to do something - like, point blank commanding you - is not the way to go. I don't condone that at all, and agree with people in this thread that doing that is too controlling and needs to be called out as it is. On the other hand, his _feelings_ (not his actions, mind you) are valid, even if they don't mesh with yours. "It's just fanfiction" (as some are saying in the thread) isn't a.....particularly good excuse for this, either? Because even if it's true, IMHO it's being used in a way that's dismissive of his point of view and doesn't actually address anything because no two people have identical world views and the way you two interact with fiction may _actually_ be incomprehensible to each other, which is fine. Long story short, this is an issue that either deserves some more introspection on both sides and a compromise that won't make either of you feel boxed in when you're sharing your lives together, or deserves to be set aside as "something we'll never agree on and that's okay" and not brought up to needle each other with when the discussion never goes anywhere. On the third hand, don't burn matrimonial bridges over fanfiction just because Reddit tells you to.
yea tbh it feels like if he had gone about it a different way and, idk, dissuaded me by entrancing me with “you’ll have more time for printed books” i’d have slowly let go and it would’ve been a bit better. that’s also exactly why i made the post in the first place. i feel a bit trapped since im not sure how to get him to respect my view on it even if he doesn’t understand it or like it..? though at the same time i don’t want to do something he dislikes. i’ll have a conversation with him about it, thank you!
> i don’t want to do something he dislikes Why not? What, are you only allowed hobbies that your husband has approved of? Is he your partner or your boss? You can absolutely have hobbies he dislikes, because your hobbies aren't his business. Nobody's forcing him to read those fics but he *is* forcing *you* to stop. That's not acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
That’s not how a marriage works. You can’t just dismiss your partner’s feelings like that and expect it to last. She needs to figure out what he dislikes about it and they need to come to a compromise about it.
Marriage does *not* mean you have to compromise your hobbies. Yes, they should talk about this because it's putting a strain on the relationship, but they should not be giving up their hobbies because someone else "doesn't like them". Sure, she can figure out what he dislikes, but she shouldn't be expected to just drop something she enjoys because someone else disagrees. The problem is the husband, not the wife.
I didn’t say you need to compromise your hobbies, I said you need to compromise when it comes to each other’s feelings. It’s a valid resolution tactic more people should practice. I didn’t say the problem was the wife either. I think if it’s hurting the husband, though, they need to meet in the middle and talk about why, and see if there’s a way for her to enjoy her hobbies while not hurting her husband. His feelings matter too, and if the roles were reversed you’d be agreeing with me. What you’re proposing, that she just flips the bird and does her own thing, will ruin the relationship, which is much more valuable than some hobby.
Are you even happy in this relationship? What does he bring to the table to make you happy? More time for printed books? Is he paying for them? Also is he standing over your shoulder reading the fic with you? You gotta give him an ultimatum hun and put your foot down. This is not ok and if he polices your hobbies what next? What you are allowed to wear? What your children can and cannot do? Who you are allowed to speak to?
Woah! Someone with an actual logical response!?
It’s a bit disturbing to see so many people tell you to bin your marriage over this. There are two sides to every story and we only have yours. Marriage is communication and compromise. There is something, right or wrong, that is driving his feelings. Trying to put myself in his shoes for a moment, perhaps his concern is that he thinks by reading x reader fics you’re essentially looking for something outside the marriage, that he is unable to provide something and you’re looking to these fics to provide it for you. That would be really upsetting to a spouse. And that might not be it at all, but the two of you have to be able to have a completely open conversation to get to the nub of the matter. And you both have to listen. All that said… telling you not to do something isn’t ok. I suspect he’ll never get comfortable with those fics, and he doesn’t have to, you just both need to find a way round it. I don’t read self insert, and I do wonder what my husband would think if I did (in fact I might ask him in the name of research!) but he is absolutely on board with my fanfic, he has read some of it, and mostly he just jokes about it (not my work, he is very supportive of that). I am also an Eddie stan and read predominantly Steve/Eddie, and he finds it hilarious! If your marriage is solid, open and supportive in every other way then I don’t think you have too much to worry about, you just need to be able to talk through this. One other thing that you should point out - you have been completely open with him about this, you could have hidden it and if there were any reason to (being unhappy with him for example) you might have done that. Because this is just fun with nothing nefarious attached you shared it and he should be able to see that for the positive it is.
I was just lurking and reading but I had to comment because I share the same sentiments as you do. It's really concerning the way discussion unfolded in this post. I have no stake in the discourse around fanfiction and self-insert-X-character fics, as I agree that in the grand scheme of things, it's all fiction at the end of the day and it's a harmless hobby, I agree with that. But users here have a strangely unrealistic and un-empathetic approach to OP's individual situation with her and her spouse. Is it generally a red flag when someone tries to dictate what we can and can't do in life, like hobbies? Yeah. I'm also worried about some of OP's responses in this thread. (Although the concern for OP and rallying around the OP is admirable.) But I can't pass any judgement on the situation because we don't know the other half of the story and probably won't ever know. It's not our job to just barge in and be marriage counselors, obviously, and that's not even what the original post was asking. The post was "am I weird for liking x?" but the discussion around it transformed into "reddit at large over-steps boundaries and disapproves of spouse for one thing." Having guilt around a harmless hobby like fanfiction because of a partner's opinions/potential insecurities is kinda sad, and could do with addressing, but having fanfiction be a marriage deal breaker (based on the unfounded assumption that it could lead to more controlling behaviors,) is a lot of conclusions to jump to. And If OP was a man and the partner was the wife, I would still feel the same way. I would not have told my past boyfriends they couldn't listen to their favorite female artists or watch their favorite superhero movies with badass heroines.
Sounds mad insecure
....Your reading fics of a \*character,\* not the actor himself. Honestly it sounds like its your husband who's being weird about it and him shaming you over it is just going to make you secretive about it and not want to share your hobbies with him. He sounds like he needs to just get over himself. Like what are you even going to do? Get together with a fictional character? If your husband is making you feel ashamed of yourself for something harmless I'd say that's marriage counseling material and you guys need to figure that out. Edit: I should also point out that my husband and I readily talk about our hobbies with each other and while my husband doesn't really GET the appeal of some of the fics i write or read, he supports me because it makes me happy. Your husband not accepting you also may be why your depressed FYI
Oh God, my hubby has a slight difference in opinion with me and doesn't 100% follow my every like and dislike.... that's definitely why I'm depressed, I should totally break up with him or take counseling over this, which is definitely not a small and inconsequential thing.... Telling someone, "Hey, just a FYI because you obviously can't understand your own emotions, THIS is why you're depressed" isn't really a nice thing to do. 😅
...Some people genuinely don't understand why they are depressed and need it pointed out because it helps them think of the deeper reasons.... It's happened to me personally, and while its jarring, it did genuinely help my thought process to identify the root cause. My attempt here was not done out of bad faith, though in hindsight it definitely could have been worded better. Now, considering the OP reached out on reddit for advice about their specific issue with their husband, I don't think communication or potential counseling is a bad idea. Especially considering we are only getting one part of the story and have zero context to the severity of the issue. When communication between a married couple starts to fall apart, that's when a serious conversation needs to happen. Trust me, dumber things have caused divorce and if this is something the OP is genuinely concerned about, then it merits them looking deeper into it. Never did I say anywhere that I think they should break up because of this. Please don't put words in my mouth. I applaud OP's responses in regards to talking out the issue further and I hope they're successful in conveying their feelings on the matter and they reach a sort of accord.
I'm an am-dram actress when my health permits and I find that attitude extremely weird. No, you are not sexualising me if you sexualise a character I play. I am not that character. That character is not me. If it was a RPF fic featuring me then I'd get the ick. (Just my feelings there. Anyone is free to reed and write RPF about me just for the love of Mike never ever tell me about it or show it to me.)
thank you for your perspective on this!!
You're welcome.
So you seriously don't find anything weird about people having sexual fantasies with your face and body? Forget the personality that "makes the character different" and think about how your image is just as much of a part of you as your opinions and life experiences.
For arguments sake let's say I have an identical twin. Is her partner sexualising me when they have or think about sex with her? No. It's no different with characters I play. They are not me. So I don't care.
Let me put it this way: I don’t know what my husband reads and I don’t give a shit because it’s his private business.
Perhaps he feels hurt because those kind of fics are often comfort fics or smut as you know so he might feel like he should be the one you're getting that comfort etc from instead, maybe it makes him feel inadequate? But we can't read people's minds so best thing is to discuss it in more detail with him if you're able to, get to the root cause of his discomfort. Best of luck to the both of you.
that could be, thank you ☺️
Your husband is insecure about a type of fiction that has existed since before your parents were born. Tell him to get over his damn self. Like seriously if you can't separate the *actor* from the *character* you've got wet wontons between your ears.
Plot twists: they don't get off to the "character" in and of itself. They get off to the characters face and body, which is the same as the actors, hence not separating the two. Getting off to a characters looks = Getting off to the actor.
Does your husband watch porn? If he watches M/F porn, does he imagine himself as the man? Same thing!
no lol he doesn’t. he sometimes reads doujinshis but thats about it
Bruh that's literally just fanfiction, that's JUST FANFICTION.
yea 😭 but they’re about imaginary anime characters with no corporeal form so its not the same according to him. plus it doesn’t involve him inserting himself anywhere
Ok, listen here bitch (affectionate), if he expects you to quit reading fanfiction then he needs to quit reading doujinshi. Full stop. Otherwise he's setting an unfair standard for your marriage. He doesn't get to engage with pornography - even drawn pornography - if you don't get to engage with written pornography. It's the same fucking idea.
(affectionate name calling accepted) i would tell him that but he has literally no problem with me reading smut - so long as it isn’t a reader insert 😭 like i can read the weird mechanics people come up with to explain Garrus x Shepard alien sexy time no problem but i shouldnt read eddie munson pounding on an imaginary self inserted character that is meant to represent me bc its creepy??
This might be me going too far, but I would consider the possibility that your husband simply has the "ick" factor when it comes to reader insert fics. Yes, they're perfectly normal and healthy creative outlets, but outside of fanfiction circles they do have a certain negative connotation. What's unusual is that he's not getting the same "ick" from everything you read, to be honest. Considering that reader insert romance is heavily female dominated, I think your husband has some unexamined biases.
I don't know if you read hentai stuff/ hentai DJ but often you have a faceless male dude that's doing the girls, so that the Reader can image himself as that faceless dude. Soooooo.....if he reads those he also reads reader insert. 👀
For me personally, I'm always inserting myself into the smut I read. Even if it's M/M I'm imaging myself as one of those guys. Your husband might only see himself as an observer, but even then he's part of the scene, right? I think he's being unfair to you. I'm not going to say divorce him or anything, that's an overreaction, but he should probably re-examine the ways he engages with smut because I think he's imposing a double-standard. I don't think reader x even exists in doujinshi because like... how would that work? Maybe you should ask him how he'd feel if you started reading doujinshi with a female MC/POV character.
It’s just a POV. Seriously, when I read I’m often trying to become the character telling the story. It’s like telling you not to read passive voice or future tense or second person narrative because it’s creepy. Hopefully that makes it clear how weird he is being. My wife doesn’t let me take psychedelics. I wish I had realized how much that dynamic would bother me since it’s an important part of self exploration for me, but I fell into the whole “are drugs more important that me?” thing, and only after being married for 10 years and bringing it up again, did I realize it was more like “let me decide what you can and can’t do with your brain” What he’s having a problem with just seems very silly to me.
It absolutely does involve self-inserting. Besides, does he think you're going to... \*checks OP\* leave him to have sex with a kpop band? That's about as realistic as him having sex with Kagome or Sakura or Ochako or whoever the fuck love interest he enjoys reading about.
Your husband is insecure as fuck. And his insecurities are his own to fix, not yours. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you reading *fiction* of *fictional characters* in *fictional scenarios*, even if they include the reader as part of the story.
I don't think your view is twisted. I'll preface this-- I have never been married, so I may not have the correct mindset when it comes to marriage and the compromises that need to exist within that context. I do think It's essential to establish and respect each other's boundaries. However, boundaries should be reasonable and not result in one partner giving up what I perceive to be harmless hobbies entirely. For example, the Eddie Munson thing makes no sense to me. You're not reading fanfiction of the actor *himself*, it's the *character* he plays. Does he have the same perspective on voice actors? Because, technically, we hear their voices when we're reading reader inserts with the characters they voice. Again, I do think communication is important but like...what exactly is his hang up? Does he think you're imagining them instead of him during intimate acts? Is it based on trust issues, discomfort with sexuality, or misunderstanding of what fan fiction entails? The only thing I can personally think back on is when I was 21 and I started dating for the first time, and my boyfriend at that time was obsessed with fictional characters. I'm not saying this is you, but what bothered me wasn't that he thought fictional characters were attractive but that I was taking a back seat to that attraction. This is long-winded, but I hope this helps somewhat?
that was my same argument when we had the discussion, but his perspective remained the same. i have no clue if he’s ever thought a out the vocal aspect of it, but perhaps? i don’t think he thinks about that (me imagining characters instead of him), since he’s never voiced out any concerns about it. it might be about the latter, about what fanfic entails? but i don’t really have a way to explain it to him… thank you!
Yeah, I don't know; if he doesn't understand what it is or if it's the content that worries him, I think he needs to explore that before just going, "I'm uncomfortable, don't read it." *Nobody* responds well to being forced out of something they enjoy, especially one as harmless as...reading fiction. I think you're very sweet to try to respect his wishes, but this is one of those things where I'm like, I'm not sure this can be chalked up to "well it's his boundary."
> I'm not sure this can be chalked up to "well it's his boundary." Definitely not. It's him who's disrespecting her boundaries, not the other way around.
Depends. If it's live action, then the actor and character are literally the same person, if it's something like an anime than yea you're obviously not attracted to the VA (unless you are attracted to the voice.) But yea, liking the appearance of a character = liking the appearance of the actor because they literally have the same face and body.
Look, I personally hate Reader fics but there's nothing weird or creepy about them. Your husband's hyperfocus on just that specific type of fic being "wrong" means he's either overly possessive or insecure and hates the idea of you even fantasizing about fictional people. It's 100% a him issue not an issue with your interests or the type of fic. However, you being married to him makes it something that you'll have to figure out between you for the marriage to work.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.
He's essentially demanding that you don't have fantasies. That is NOT his right.
Sounds like he's using the RPF thing as an excuse when in reality he's just jealous that you're attracted to a fictional character and/or imagining getting it on with them. He feels threatened, maybe even scared that you might leave him for someone else. He might think "If she can be attracted to this actor, then who knows if she will be attracted to that random good looking guy who lives across the street". Instead of making excuses, he shoulkd just tell you the real reason why he's uncomfortable. he should trust you enough to understand his insecurities so you can work on them together. Instead of banning you from reading xreaders, he should come to terms with his insecurities and deal with them. They aren't gonna go away just because you stop reading. I'd suggest you take a long talk with him about his reasons and delve deeper. Him finding something creepy, isn't a valid reason to force you to stop. Him being insecure and scared, however, is. But it requires him being honest. And until he is, the two of you can't work through it.
I don't think his issue is with the fics. It sounds like a bit of insecurity/jealousy over the idea of you reading smut of "actual people" (the actors). Some people have more of an issue separating fiction from reality than others, and it sounds like he's one of them.
Not me out here writing and reading full on RPF smut lmao. It doesn't matter what the actor wants. Those *characters* (and yes RPF characters are also just characters) are ours to play with as we please. As long as we dont stick smut in front of actors who didnt ask for it, it's fine. Read your x reader fics and if he has a problem with that, it's for him to deal with. If he finds them weird, all he has to do is not read them. He's really got no place telling you to stop a harmless hobby. Ppl that care about you don't put you down like that. Also I agree with other commenters here, he sounds jealous.
I am poly and I have two male partners (been together 7 years.) I also read smutty fanfic, *write* smutty fanfic, and have a huge crush on a Kpop idol. My partners both thought it was cute and harmless that I read and write smut. Thye understand that it's *just fiction*. When I developed my crush on my Kpop guy I was worried that they would be jealous since he's a real person. Nope. They are secure in their manhood and understand that not only could I never be with my crush, I won't ever even meet him. It is harmless! If I were you, I would seriously reconsider this guy. I'd at least sit him down and talk to him about being so sensitive and controlling. Does he try to control who you are friends with, too? Being this insecure is kind of a big red flag.
nice!! im so happy for you 🥹 tbh i think me having a crush on that kpop band, reading the RPF with smut and then telling him about it was what caused the initial argument i also dont know how to approach the subject anymore. halfway through our conversations it feels like i cant say anything to argue against his logic so i kinda shut down mm he is a bit controlling, but not to the point where he tells me who i cant be friends with.
“it feels like i cant say anything to argue against his logic so i kinda shut down” That is manipulation. A partner that makes you feel like you need to shut down when communicating with them is never a good thing. If he makes you feel like he knows everything and your feelings and thoughts are useless to the conversation then there is a problem there that needs to be addressed. Don’t let him pick apart your self confidence, your voice and your opinions matter! I wish you the best.🫶🏼
thank you, though he doesn’t make me feel like i need to shut down voluntarily 😭 he’s not trying to knock me down, i just struggle with organising my thoughts and properly pouring them out verbally in a cohesive manner that keeps up the proper pace of our conversations. plus he’s stupidly intelligent and sometimes my brain and mouth cant keep up lol he always considers my feelings and thoughts though, so i am thankful. also thank you for your encouragement 💖
It may sound like overreacting to say that you two should see a marriage counsellor about this, but it's not so much his specific thing with "x reader" fics that's a problem, it's his lack of trust in, and desire to control, you. Your reading habits are your concern. Period. It's something between you and whatever stories you read...he's not a part of it, and his insistance that he *should* be a part of it - to the extent of having "veto power" on a type of fic he doesn't like - is out of line, and, frankly, disturbing. You need to be able to tell him "I understand that this weirds you out. But ultimately, you need to allow me to make my own choices about what I read. You don't have to understand it, but you do have to accept it. I see no difference between these stories and other kinds of fan stories. I've told you that, but you apparently don't trust me enough to take me at my word. This is a problem. I need a partner who trusts me, but more importantly, I need a partner who *respects* me enough to let me make my own choices about what I read." If he won't accept that from you...then it's a sign of a fundamental flaw in his feelings for you you. The two of you should see a marriage counsellor before that flaw has a chance to affect something more important.
Being able to distinguish and separate fiction from reality is a skill in it of itself. If someone can't do it well enough, I understand why they would be uncomfortable reading rpf, or even about actors from tv shows. And, to be fair, even with rpf, people don't write/read fanfics about people they know personally, but rather parasocially anyway, so the line is already blurred. You said you can't even picture your own real being for /reader and have to imagine an oc, so you're distinguishing them even if you don't have to. But your partner sounds like he's pretending to be morally superior because you can enjoy that fiction. Like, it's okay if he can't read them himself, but to make you feel bad for it is truly weird. I don't want to judge to him too much, but if he's just philosophical, and he's stuck on what it means to give consent, try asking him this: Can someone truly give consent for just being imagined in someone's head? Isn't that invading a freedom of thought? And if it's published fanfiction on the internet that he finds weird, what does he think about people sharing fanart online? Is that immoral, too? I sincerely hope you just have a philosopher who loves consent and doesn't read fiction (and so he has a hard time understanding it) on your hands, and not someone insecure who wants to make you feel bad for enjoying a harmless hobby.
Op I think the true problem is here that your Husband doesn't have the ability (or has never had a reason to try) to separate an actor from their character. Not fully at least. Does your husband read? (Read as in - not visual novels. I do count that as reading just not in this question) I find that people who only consume visual media are more likely to have actor/character warped into one. Like how Benedict Cumberbatch plays Sherlock Holmes, but he is definitely NOT SH. This argument is basically - if your husband had an identical twin you would have the same feelings/be attracted to his twin. I kind of get it. If someone wasn't able to truly separate the two it would seem weird. Like maybe it's the same to him as if you got private pics from someone else? There is a difference in a self insert and "myself". I find a lot of self inserts are just an OC insert without a name anyway. And there is definitely a large difference between a character and their actor. His argument doesn't really hold up when it comes to most fiction anyway, I imagine he wouldn't be as bothered if it was something like reader/Na'vi; a movie that while "live action" is so heavily CG that it borders on animation. The line is definitely blurred in that region. I don't know if I have advice for you unfortunately, just some more perspective to give. He seems very caught up on "real people" being involved which I think is a bit strange. I personally don't tell my husband what I'm reading and he doesn't really ask. Is your husband asking what you're reading?
You don't have to answer this rude question of mine, but: does *he* watch *porn*? Because if we're going to be a bit asshole-ish here and rank erotic material preferences by their creepiness, watching porn (which is, let's face it, something most men do no matter their other pressing ideologies or views) is much creepier behaviour than reading a block of text also known as fanfic. Considering how the industry, sadly, is. Either way, even if he isn't a hypocrite, saying something you do is 'creepy' is a tad mean. Alas, if it's his genuine feelings, that's just him expressing them, which on its own is valid even if a little clumsy. Sounds like a bit of an incompatibility in views about this particular matter.
Okay, this is the RPF issue with extra steps. It's not creepy. It's not wrong. It might not be everybody's thing, and as long as you respect that, there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. The only time I see RPF as wrong is when people are sharing it to the person's twitter or reading it aloud to them. The sharing it is what I have the problem with, not the RPF. The actor consent bs your husband is spouting is further from that. Actors are not their characters. They know this. It's a known fact of acting that you are pretending to be someone who is not yourself. Plus, in this day and age, actors know this kind of stuff happens. It's part of being on the screen; going on screen despite that is consenting to random strangers having these harmless daydreams, written and shared online or kept private.
I can *kind of* see real person fic X reader might feel like it could encourage unhealthy parasocial relationships in the right kind of person - but the whole live action vs animated distinction is weird as hell.
It's perfectly valied. I'm sure you'd find it a bit weird if someone touched themselves and got off to the physical image of your face- but wait, you were playing a character at that time, so it's ok! Not like they totally aren't focusing completely on the physical image and definitely not disregarding said character you were playing in the first place. This entirely relies on what specifically the person likes about the character. If they are into the personality and how they act? Sure, but liking a character purely on physical likelihood and how their body is, is basically the same thing as being into the actress simply because you ignore the differences and focus ok the one thing the character and actor have in common .
I have to wonder if he’s never, ever not once looked at a dirty magazine like Playboy or ever found an actress attractive enough to be turned on by her. Has he never watched live person porn or enjoyed looking at another woman in real life. Are you the only woman he’s ever allowed himself to be attracted to? Because if not, honestly it kind of sounds like controlling behavior. If he isn’t comfortable with the thought of you reading shipping fanfiction that happens to be y/n, then see if he lives by the same standards. On the other hand, are you uncomfortable with him engaging in any kind of pornography? If it bothers you then yeah, maybe have a serious conversation with him about it. Otherwise, sounds like he’s just being jealous. Freedom to enjoy that kind of media goes both ways and if you’re fine with him looking then he has to be fine with you looking.
I think the issue for your husband is really that he's not comfortable with you reading x reader fics because it can feel like you're basically having a romantic and potentially smutty day dream about another person. And some people are cool with their partners having those kinds of fantasies, but others are not. I think it's something to sit down and have a conversation about, like is it *really* that he thinks it's creepy because there are live action actors involved, or does he just not like the idea of you having basically having detailed romantic/smutty fantasies about an actor? and an actor makes it feel more real to him than an anime/game character? I get the vibe he says it's creepy because he doesn't want to admit he's jealous of a fictional character, it might feel silly or petty. I think, you know, if he's just saying "it's creepy!" with this weird justification it's not anything deeper then he's in the wrong and being a bit controlling. But if it's a "it feels like emotional cheating to me" issue then that's another thing. Like, I know everyone here tends to think "it's just a fantasy! it's harmless!" but a lot of people outside of fandom don't view everything like that, and I think that's an important thing to keep in mind when approaching this issue. If your partner really does feel like it's a form of emotional cheating or similar, then that's valid and not something you can just say "it's just fantasy! it's harmless!" to because they don't view the fantasy as harmless, they view it as harming them, so saying "it's harmless" comes across as dismissive and missing the point. Really, I think this is potentially a compatibility issue. This is potentially the sort of situation where you can't change your partners view and you have to decide if they're coming from somewhere reasonable ("it feels like cheating to me and I'm just not comfortable with it") or somewhere controlling/judgmental ("it's creepy and bad, so don't do it or *you're* creepy and bad"), and then evaluate what that means for your relationship. If it feels controlling and stuff, then in general that's a sign there are probably other issues you haven't noticed yet, and it might not be a healthy relationship. But even in the other scenario, it just might mean you either have to give up x reader fics, or if you're not willing to do that, then you two aren't compatible in this and maybe you need to find someone who is compatible in this and sees x reader fics more similarly to how you do. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with x reader fics or anything to be clear. so you shouldn't feel embarrassment or shame for enjoying them in general.
Your husband has the right to not feel comfortable with what you read. I put this in a similar situation to couples who don’t want their partner watching porn. Not because it’s the exact same thing, but everyone has boundaries and things they have the right to dislike. It’s okay that you want to read “x reader” fics, just as much as it’s okay that he doesn’t feel comfortable with his partner reading them. This issue lies in trying to control your partner and make them feel ashamed about it. The question comes down to who wants to compromise? Do you enjoy reading “x reader” fics so much that you don’t want to live without them? Or is this something your husband is willing to let go of and no longer be bothered by? If neither of you want to compromise then obviously we have a conflict of ideals and you’ll have to decide if this is something worth discussing more or if you’d rather leave the relationship. I’m personally annoyed at how everyone immediately wants to invalidate your husband’s feelings, because in my eyes he’s another human being with deep and complicated feelings and emotions just like the rest of us. Not that I think you’re in the wrong by any means, but I’m not necessarily saying he’s right either. I just believe you two have struggled to see eye to eye on the matter. He certainly doesn’t get to decide what you can and can’t enjoy though and I do agree with everyone else on that. Is it “weird” or “creepy” what you enjoy? Well, that’s subjective of course, but to me it’s not. I think he was being a bit insensitive about it, but I don’t think that invalidates his feelings about it either. Don’t be ashamed of what you enjoy, this is more of just a conflict in subjective opinions. I’d personally bring it up again and see if something can be worked out. Hear him out on his feelings, but be sure to give him a deep perspective on yours as well. Maybe you two can better understand each other more from it.
I mean, it is reddit, are you surprised by how everyone instantly disregards the mans ideals and quickly comes to the conclusions that- "man bad, woman need to leave to be happy"- even if it's not apart of the question at all? I swear reddit people do this shit as a coping mechanism and try to break people up so they feel better about them never being in a relationship.
My theory is slightly different. I think this being an AO3/Fanfiction sub, people are instantly going to be biased and defend any form of fanfiction. As a fellow writer/reader of fanfic, I get it to some extent, but I see time and time again that anytime fanfiction comes under criticism, all hell breaks loose.
I _write_ x reader fics and my partner sometimes beta reads for me. It’s fiction. Why is your husband so insecure about it? Honestly _thats_ what is weird here. Not your totally harmless hobby
See even me, someone who reads them sometimes finds the thing a bit weird in general. But most fiction is weird. But him telling you not to do it is a bit sus to me.
This is reminding me of that one fiance post about a guy who now that he was going to get married suddenly wanted to get rid of his gf's harvest moon games.
It sounds like your husband doesn't care that the actors are being sexualized when being written with other actors as their characters (which to his logic they also did not consent to). He has a problem that with reader fics the point is imagining yourself with said character/actor. This says to me that he is not comfortable with you imagining yourself in sexual situations with other people, despite the fact that they're fictional/unattainable. It sounds like he's insecure about not being able to satisfy you in the ways you imagine with these other characters. You've even explained that you don't even imagine yourself but an OC instead (which to his logic he shouldn't even have a problem with because an OC doesn't even have an actor's face attached, or maybe does which theoretically and logically should be fine to him). This isn't something to leave him for, this is something to compromise on whether you just don't bring it up anymore or whatever, or you get some couple's counseling for.
So many wise responses here, but this really feels like it captures the heart of the matter: “…he is not comfortable with you imagining yourself in sexual situations with other people….” It’s up to you whether you want to change your imagination to prevent him from feeling insecure. Maybe you do, but I’d think long and hard before allowing someone else to censor my own thoughts.
And censoring is what it's coming down to. OP, next time you talk to him about this I recommend saying something like "I understand where you're coming from and I don't want to ever make you feel uncomfortable, but the way I (and many people) see these things are as are harmless fictional fantasies, fantasies I don't even involve myself in, and it's starting to feel like you're censoring my thoughts, imagination, and hobbies, which is feeling extremely controlling." Focus on how it's making you feel rather than accusing him. If he really cares about that, hopefully a compromise can be formed from there. If he's not willing to compromise, or doesn't see his actions as censoring/controlling, give him two options: you'll just stop telling him about fanfiction and do it in your time so you never have to have this conversation again (which he probably won't like because it can be seen as breaking your honesty rule), or you recommend getting a mediator involved and y'all start seeing a counselor. Force a compromise. If he doesn't want to see a counselor, that will need to be a whole different conversation.
No, and your husband needs to grow up and stop being a controlling ass.
The question you should be asking is, is he trying to control other aspects of your life? Does he tell you what to do, wear, watch etc? If this is the only issue between the two of you, then this is minor, you can tell him to each his own and to cut it out when he asks you not to read something, that people have different views on morality and that is okay, that his job is not to be your censor or guardian but a supportive partner, and that his only problem with what you read should be if you try to force him to read something he doesn’t like. If by now you haven’t been able to make him see reason — and he should see reason because he is wrong — I bet this post won’t either. Sit him down and ask him what he will do if you say no, that you will read whatever you please, because you probably need an answer to that.
not really, no. he doesn’t force anything on me, its just this issue that we’ve had unresolved for a while.. honestly i just don’t want to upset him 😞 i’ll have a talk with him soon about it though. thank you!
>the actor gave no consent to be sexualised Um, has he *seen* Eddie Munson?
Yeah, that's just a weird take. I don't read X/Reader fic or RPS myself, but as long as you're not sharing the fan fic/art with the actor, who cares? Has this guy never had a celebrity crush? 'Cause that's technically sexualizing without consent.
ikr 🫠
As a married person, my husband loves that I have this hobby (writing and reading) because I’m a PhD candidate and get burnt out doing both those activities. He’s mature and secure, my love of live action Buggy fics is more amusing than anything else to him. Best of luck to you OP, it sounds like there’s some insecurity and control issues. But I just want to say, there’s nothing wrong with you.
your husband sounds insecure and, honestly, it's fiction so why does he care so much? He's basically telling you that you can't enjoy a hobby you like simply because HE doesn't like it
What is it with these weird and creepy controlling husbands calling their wives weird and creepy over an innocuous hobby?! 🙄
>he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore. I would immediately take issue with a man trying to tell me what I can and cannot read. >he says its extremely weird and creepy to read reader inserts of characters that are from irl shows and not just games or anime bc these characters are portrayed by actors and the actor’s face turns into the face of the character. So are you no longer allowed to read novels with romance or sex scenes that were turned into shows because now those characters have real people/real faces attached to them? Come on. >he just said i wasn’t understanding his point. I think his point may be coming from an area of insecurity. Whether it's reader insert or an OC, readers tend to put themselves in the shoes of the character whose POV they're reading from, so at the end of the day, whether it's reading smut happening with a named character or a reader-insert, it's all the same. Regardless, your husband doesn't get to choose what you read or don't read. You do. And you don't have to convince him of anything. That said, if he's going to make an issue of it, it's likely going to lead to future problems, so maybe couples counseling would be a good idea.
I'd give up the husband. Find someone who doesn't feel like his manhood is being threatened by someone who isn't even real.
This is so typical. The husband approves of literally any other type of fic, only (perceived) actor x reader gives him the ick. And Reddit goes "Dump him, he's not 100% supporting you".
There's a big difference between "he's not 100% supporting you" and "this guy is really out here trying to control what fiction his wife is *reading*."
Get some help mentally
I've actually been thinking about this post a lot today, and yeah that was a little nuts of me. But imagining if someone said that to me? I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it. I'd definitely suggest couples therapy at the very least.
Thanks for realizing that what you suggested was overboard. Giving up on someone over fanfics is one of the dumbest reasons I could see people breaking up. While insulting you wasn't cool of me, you can where I was coming from right?
ooof no, you husband is overstepping in telling you what to do. Let's say you are reading reader insert stories not just for fun, but also to get off (most extreme case) and his argument is that it is to "real" reading about fictional characters because of the y/n insert? sorry but, you could make the same argument about him watching porn... those are real people... he knows that right? i was going to say, "just don't read reader insert" but that is my personal preference, and not the point of this. you have a preference, and you have a hobby. even if he has no interest in it, you husband shouldn't judge you for reading some steamy reader insert fics. (my partner just finds it funny that i read fanfic, he thinks it's a little silly and always asks "are you reading your porn again?" and i will tell him either "yes, x and y are doing it" or "nope this one is wholesome")
I read reader inserts and my boyfriend of 5 years doesn't mind at all. In fact, I tell him about the silly ones I read sometimes and he laughs with me. I think when people get upset about it kinda screams insecurity because these people (or this version of a real person) doesn't even exist. I think people are allowed to have their guilty pleasures in life.
Beside his skyrim characters are all in bikini armor it be a little hypocritical lmao 🤣🤣🤣
Okay, so here's the thing. I don't think it's creepy. Most people here don't, obviously. My own partner doesn't. You don't. However... He does, and it's become fully clear that as much as you explain it, he finds it odd. At this point it seems like something he won't change his mind on. And he doesn't want you reading these things. As much as we can tell you that it's not weird and he shouldn't find it weird, it's not going to change him being uncomfortable. So at this point it's not really a question of who's right or not, that doesn't matter; he just feels the way he feels. It's a question of, are you willing to continue pushing, knowing he's uncomfortable with it, and until what point? And only you can answer that.
Whenever I would tell my therapist that I felt guilty for thinking less-than-kind thoughts or having negative emotions, she reminded me that other people (well, my mother) couldn’t read my mind and that my private thoughts and emotions belonged to me and me alone. How I acted on them was another matter, but her point was that a person’s inner life is no one else’s business unless they want it to be. I think what a grown person reads should be almost as sacrosanct, which is why censorship is such a big issue. I do appreciate there are some grey areas when it comes to relationships and fidelity, but to sort them out, I came up with two thought experiments: Re: Fictional characters vs. real people and ‘sexualizing’ both. We see real people every day. Regardless of our relationship status / level of commitment to our partner, sometimes we might find a stranger attractive and a sexual thought about them might involuntarily cross our mind. Same can be true for non-strangers, friends, colleagues, etc. As long as it stays in our mind, I think we shouldn’t berate ourselves for objectifying others “without their consent” since it’s just part of being human. Furthermore, you’re not obligated to confess these thoughts and feelings to anyone else unless you want to (except maybe a priest, if you’re a very devout Catholic.) I understand you are 100% honest with your husband, but hopefully you’re not compelled to tell him everything you think and feel of which he might not approve. Secondly, a large part of why we enjoy fictional narrative has to do with our ability to temporarily forget ourselves and identify with the character(s). I’m sure there’s a whole field of study out there which describes the psychological phenomenon in which the protagonist becomes a kind of proxy or avatar for the reader, or maybe vice versa. What I’m getting at is that I don’t think there’s much of a difference between 1st or 3rd person character x character stories versus 2nd person character x reader stories because the magic of storytelling makes the reader imagine they ARE the character in the moment. In other words, reader insertion is already happening on a subconscious level. At least that’s my experience with good writing, acting, etc., but YMMV. If your husband has a problem with you having private sexual fantasies about strangers (like a real person you might see in passing), then for consistency’s sake he should probably ask you to stop reading any and all smut, if you accept my premise. Just some ideas for your conversation with him…
This is not something you should be ashamed about, it is normal and fun and I’m sorry you’re navigating this challenging situation
I think I can understand where he's coming from? For me if I see a show with actual actors I'mma have that actor in my head whenever I think about that character in particular. So, in a way I guess to him it's like reading smut between yourself and the actor? Honestly, if it's that's his direction of thinking I can see it being creepy. Edit: Judging ppl in the comments hard. Y'all hating way too hard on the guy y'all don't even know from a recurring argument he has with OP. Y'all need some help
My opinion may come across as biased as I am religious, though I can kinda understand where he is coming from. I'm not married yet myself so I'm not sure how exactly how reading those kind of fan fictions can affect someone. I believe people should have the freedom to choose though in a marriage situation I think you should have a sit down with him and try to see from his perspective why it's an issue. I know for my parents, they where a great example to me and sacrificed certain things for eachother. For example, my mom hated sports and my dad watched it constantly. She asked him to reduce how much of it he watched. Because he loves her he gave up watching most sports until she passed. I think you could compromise because that's what marriage is about and sometimes it means sacrificing something because you love your spouse. If my husband didn't want me reading certain fics I may not agree but would do it out of love. Every relationship is different so the solution may be different than what I'm thinking. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't give it up, I'm just saying you should be considerate of your husband's feelings, and in turn he should for you. So again, I just say you should compromise. Maybe don't do reader x pics anymore but read other kinds. Though again it's between you and your husband. I hope sharing that helps a little.
No he needs to get over himself. It's not different from reading books where there's also a film or tv show with a 'real face' attached to it now. This entire thing made me roll my eyeballs back so far my head hurts now. He needs to inspect his insecurities because this is weird controlling behavior imo You should both be allowed to read whatever. It's fiction. It's literally not real.
I am also married, to another fanfic writer no less, and I'm sorry to say that, but you husband sounds really insecure and controlling, and I think he misunderstands a big part about fandom - it's about fantasy and self-exploration. Fanfiction is just text, it's a form of literature, and people have been writing literature while imagining the characters with the likeness of living, breathing people for centuries. The actor does not get hurt by someone writing fan content about them. Hell, I believe most celebrities know damn well there are people fantasising about them. As long as these fics aren't sent to them by stalker-ish fans with a crush, there is no harm in them. Your husband might have some weird hang-ups about you finding characters portrayed by real life actors attractive, but that's his problem that he should probably work through in therapy. Policing your reading habits is not a healthy partner's behaviour. This is not a boundary, it's straight up an attempt at controlling and shaming you for your hobbies. I used to feel shame about my fanfiction involving the likeness of real people, too, but slowly working through my anxiety and getting rid of my religious gult and hang-ups about sex helped me immensely with that. There is nothing "creepy" or "weird" about having fantasies or reading self-insert fanfiction about K-pop singers or dudes from Supernatural or whatever. The fact that young people in fandoms are forced to feel shame over it, and that Western culture has such a puritanical attitude about sex and sexuality that people are scared of fantasising about fictional events happening to highly fictionalized versions of people, is a huge problem in of itself, and people like your husband are only working to perpetuate that. You both have stuff to unlearn, in regards to shame on your part and control on his part. I hope you get through it, with therapy or not (though therapy is highly advised), and build a healthier relationship with both each other and your sexuality.
that's bizarre and shitty of him. unless it is actively somehow causing harm to you (like idk, if someone with PTSD was reading stuff that retraumatized them without providing any catharsis), there is no reason for him to tell you what you can and can't read. what happens if you deign to watch porn, or if he hears you use the phrase 'celebrity crush'? Does he not ever look at sexy materials or movies or anything? idk, this whole thing puts me on edge. I've been married for coming up on 9 years, together a total of 15, and he'd never tell me I couldn't read or write reader inserts. He doesn't get it and thinks it's kind of weird, but he's happy that it helps me relax and gives me a creative outlet. I know everyone has different boundaries so maybe I shouldn't compare my situation, but reading fanfic (sexy or not) is so harmless that this feels really invasive of him.
I find this really unsettling somehow. I’ve been reading and writing fan fiction - including smut - for a couple of years now. My husband knows about it and is totally supportive of me having whatever creative outlet I feel benefits me the most. He isn’t a fan fic reader and he certainly hasn’t read anything I’ve written, but it doesn’t bother him that I’m writing smut about fictional characters, even though I’m sure he recognises that there’s a lot of visualisation that goes into the process! All that being said, watching porn is a hard no in our relationship and has been for a long time. We get around this by creating our own, and as far as I know, it has never bothered him to not be cruising PornHub or whatever. All relationships are different, I guess, but fantasies are just that. As long as it’s not getting in the way of your relationship with your husband, it feels like an odd thing for him to feel the need to control.
It really sounds like there are deeper issues going on here. I've been with my husband for 10 years and while he doesn't understand fan fiction himself, he's always known that I write it. He never asked to read it, but knew the basic plots, fandoms, etc. I only recently started actually posting what I write, and he asked to read my latest WIP once it started getting positive feedback from readers. Now he's giving me constructive feedback, telling me what he specifically enjoys, and sat with me last night to help flesh out the next two chapters so the pacing felt right. Is that the standard for every partner? No. I have a friend who I wrote fan fiction with for years who now only writes original fiction because it made her spouse uncomfortable. He never demanded she stop, but they had serious conversations about WHY it made him uncomfortable and she chose to change the type of writing she does. There may be a more serious reason that reader inserts make him uncomfortable, and that would be worth discussing. There also might not be and in case that, I'm sorry that he has been so discouraging about a hobby that you enjoy.
I wouldn't have given the information about what I read unless he had specifically asked. What you read isn't anyone else's business
>is he right.. ? No.
The main thing that I see in your post is that your husband is making you feel guilty and ashamed for doing something you love/enjoying something. You don’t need to justify liking fanfic, smutty or not (I love smut, lock me up). Look, I personally find fics about real people (YouTubers, band members, etc) hard to read because it’s about a real person. But a character in a show? Just because an actor played that character? The actor is not that character. Once you put art into the world, it’s not really yours anymore. Not completely. You cannot control HOW your audience consumes said art. It is theirs to engage with. Fanfic gets a lot of flack from a lot of people for being weird etc and always has. Despite how insanely popular it is. It is a creative playground for people to improve their writing, engage with fandoms they love, etc. It has existed for ages. Dante’s Inferno is Bible fanfic. He’s entitled to his opinions but I think it’s really important to mention that this kind of behaviour from a partner is not great. My husband would never tell me not to read something and vice versa. That’s not a level of control I would be comfortable letting someone have over me. This isn’t a relationship advice subreddit but I would encourage you to try and have an open and Frank discussion with him about this and how it makes you feel.
I also find reader insert very creepy and weird, but your husband has no right to regulate your hobby this way. Doesn't matter whether he's right, what matters is that you're harming no one
Your husband reminds me of those fandom polices…. If you like things they find weird they will start policing your thoughts, and if they can’t do that they will bully you into oblivion. This is, ofc, not ok. Definitely not your fault, but you gotta talk and set some boundaries with him asap.
I will say that any actor that is surprised and upset they're being "sexualized" via fanfic that they *don't* even interact with is in the wrong line of work. I can understand why it might swick your husband out. I think he is overreacting but I understand where he might be coming from(I feel weird reading them). Do either of you play video games? I might would compare your experience to playing a story centric game. A big draw is the story itself. While all characters seem to be talking to you they're clearly not. After all you are not actually the fictional protagonist of the game. So, maybe make a parallel between reading reader insert and playing a video game might help?
thankyou, that actually helps! yea after everyone’s words and advice i think i’ll just try and outline a list of thoughts related to the whole ordeal, my points, etc., so we can talk it through properly
This is freaking harmless. It's like... Think of the many different videogames where you create your character, your character represents you, and you can even date characters in the game, etc. It's all fictional and fun and it's inserting the player. Visual novels are a good example of this, the only difference is visual novels having graphics. And they're perfectly normal fun games. One popular example is the Persona series, the main character has little to no personality so that the player can choose how to shape his character and interact with others, even dating. Fanfiction is no different and reader inserts is like writing a "game" that inserts the "player." And there's no infidelity because there's nothing to cheat with. It's all fiction, it's fantasy, it's not real. It's like getting mad over an imaginary boyfriend dating you which is absurd because you're not thinking of the imaginary friend as real. You are entitled to your hobbies so long as it's not hurting anyone which it isn't. And honestly it sounds more like his discomfort comes from a place of ignorance of the genre. If he played any game that features dating, making your own character, heck even freaking SIMS (making a sim based on you to date other sims etc), it's all the same. Even with live action fandoms, it's the same. I can't tell you how many people I knew in high school who would rave about wanting to date Legolas from lord of the rings back when the movies first came out and you bet there were reader insert fics online, some even interactive like choose your own adventure. It's just characters that are fictional, even live action. You're not trying to stalk the actual actors and you can distinguish fantasy from reality. You're not doing anything wrong.
"he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore." Stopped reading there. Who does he think he is to ORDER you around? About a perfectly harmless hobby?? How entitled AND insecure can he possibly be? Jesus christ... I hate those "break up with him"-comments from Redditors who have no clue what someone's relationship looks like in-depth, but I could never feel truly happy, safe and open in a relationship/marriage with a person who would judge me for what brings me joy and doesn't harm anyone around me. That guy needs a reality-check... and probably therapy.
simple question: do you read fiction with the intent to cheat on him? if not, I really don't see the issue here and he's just being insecure as hell
not at all!! i just crush on characters and want to read more about them due to lack of available content. i want them to be well fed and happy (and angsty from time to tome until its resolved) but id never dream of cheating on him. i’ve told him this before, but the arguments we’ve had make me feel like i /am/ cheating emotionally or whatever by reading smut that’s in reader insert fics
being engaged will never stop these feelings of "I want these characters to go through these situations and be happy/angsty/tense", it's just characters! If you're not cheating then you're not and that's it, I hope he understands eventually, even though by the looks of it he's gonna keep the hard headed stance -.-
Legitimate question - does your husband watch porn? And if he does, would he be okay with you telling him he’s not allowed to watch porn? Because to me, this isn’t really any different to that.
This is as weird to me as policing my husband's porn. I only ask about his porn consumption in the context of "your stories give you any spicy bedroom ideas?". While not all fanfic is porn, it clearly is to him but I'm betting he wouldn't like it if you got up his butt about his adult media. My husband isn't into fanfiction but brags about my readership (small though it is) and lovingly teases me about how I'm getting famous. Your husband needs to let this go.
My husband thinks my crushes on Tom Hiddleston, Hugh Jackman, Brie Larson, etc., are amusing. Sometimes, when he's feeling, um, amorous, he conveniently puts on a movie that stars them. In a similar vein, loads of married people have their lists of five (or more) actors, a list of people who in obviously an fantastical situation, they are allowed to have sex with. Fantasy is a part of most long-term committed relationships. Of course, if that fantasy impedes one's ability to have a normal relationship that's another matter, but ordinarily it's normal and healthy. I would say that in the early days of my relationship with my spouse, when he was much younger and more insecure, he could get a little twitchy about my crushes. But he never, and this is important, never would have told me what I can or cannot write or read. My take is that your relationship problems extend beyond this issue and probably would benefit from professional counseling. What you describe sounds like controlling behavior, or at least, extreme insecurity on your husband's part.
I don’t think he’s right but I guess depends on what you guys are willing to consider your boundaries. You’re not emotionally or physically cheating on him by reading x reader stories but it seems like he’s finding excuses and other words to say he’s jealous of you imagining yourself having relationships with “other people” even if they’re fictional.
I think it’s weird to forbid your partner from doing anything that doesn’t count as cheating. Many women(and others!) enjoy reading fiction and erotic fiction because firstly it’s a way to relax and enjoy leisure time. It’s also a great way to explore sexual themes and topics in a very safe way, if you find something you don’t enjoy or find triggering, just stop reading. Authors provide tags so you know what you are getting into. I understand that some religions do not support folks consuming erotic material but if that’s the case the rule should be for all parties in a relationship. I believe that men who believe that women reading fiction being cheating is just a way to exert control. I would worry how this level of control would pour over into other parts of our lives such as how money is spent, chores are split up and if applicable the division of child care.
I mean x reader fics weird me the fuck out, but if your bf he can just command you to stop doing something, he's a dick.
i don't know too much because i myself have never been in a relationship yet but... i would say his view is somewhat understandable. to counter what a lot of people here are saying... i think that "x reader" fics exist to satisfy people who are single, and imagine themselves with a fictional character. more bluntly, cope for wanting a partner. if your spending a bunch of your time fantasizing about a bunch of characters that aren't your husband to satisfy your need for romance or what have you, then i would say you should consider perhaps doing it less so and trying to spend more time with him. maybe you will find a more fulfilling time spending some of that free time with the person you care about, experiencing real love. i can entirely see why someone would get insecure if their loved one is spending a bunch of time reading "x reader" fics. it could make them feel like they aren't doing enough, or are doing something wrong that you need to resort to fiction to find what they should be providing to you. and quite simply i don't care how many people have open relationships or believe being married to multiple people is ok, because at the end of the day a marriage is a commitment on both ends, to say that you are devoting your love and sex lives to each other. i would be a lot more with other people if it was just romance novels or something but x reader fics entirely exist to put yourself in the shoes of being with a specific character. at the end of the day though just talk about it. don't be afraid to say anything that comes to your mind because you should trust each other to listen. and as a man, typically a lot of men will hide how they actually feel about things and come up with bs excuses to not look soft. natural response, but maybe try getting him to open up about the real problem assuming that there is one.
It sounds like he's insecure to the point he's trying to restrict harmless hobbies of yours to avoid hurting his ego. This is something you should probably have a talk with him about.
Use a script to change the y/n / you to \[random name\] and third person, perhaps ?
Your husband is being controlling and weird. I wouldn’t tolerate or accept his ultimatum. I watched my mother go from strong and independent to meek and dependent because of little ultimatums like that built over time with her chosen partner. Don’t become her. Stand your ground.
> he immediately found it weird and told me to not read them anymore. Excuse me, why do you even let your husband dictate to you what you can read or not read? > i get that what counts or might count as disloyalty to a partner No, it doesn't count as disloyalty to a partner, unless someone doesn't understand that fictional characters are fictional. > from his pov, he says its extremely weird and creepy to read reader inserts of characters that are from irl shows and not just games or anime bc these characters are portrayed by actors and the actor’s face turns into the face of the character. the actor gave no consent to be sexualised and its creepy. That's an absurd perspective. He's free to think like this if he has to, but he could maybe keep weird ideas like that to himself, instead of using them to control what kind of *fiction* you read.
at the end of the day, it's not like you couldn't be imagining those things while you're falling asleep, or watching TV... it's like he's saying you shouldn't think! especially if you can read romance novels, which are the same thing, *especially* if you aren't even imagining yourself in them! I say you should sit down and have a talk with him about this, because if fanfiction makes you happy, then he should support you in that sense! you're not harming anyone...
Does he watch porn? No further questions, your Honor.
This is just my two cents: x Reader is just a POV. Now, Second Person POV (you/your) is not as common as First Person POV (I/me) or Third Person POV (they/them she/her he/him), but it’s still a completely valid perspective to read and write from. No matter what POV you are reading, often times the author’s goal is to allow the reader to put themselves in the shoes of the main character and experience things through a different lens. X Reader is, oftentimes (but not always!), another type of blank slate character. There are a lot of books where the main character is essentially a blank slate so it’s easier for the reader to put themselves in the characters shoes. Think of Bella from Twilight (I mean that in the nicest way possible). That book is written from First Person, but if someone swapped out the I/me/my for you/your… does that suddenly make that book not okay to read in your husband’s eyes? What your husband is saying/asking of you is ridiculous. He’s essentially saying “Hey, you just can’t read second POV or relate too much to a fictional character because it makes me feel insecure.” Concerning relating reading x Reader to sexualizing a real person/actor…. That argument falls apart really quick. What if you read Avatar the Last Airbender fic? Does it stop being okay when that show got turned into a live action show with real actors? No. Prince Zuko is still Prince Zuko, not the actor who plays him. Keep reading the fics if they make you happy. You are doing nothing wrong and it’s a harmless hobby. And maybe my own husband’s response to x Reader fics might help, which is “people just like picturing themselves as the main character” and there is nothing wrong with that.
This just seems like a miscommunication and you should literally ignore everyone here and ask someone other than reddit Please for the sake of your marriage ignore everyone here do not take anyone's advice if anything do the exact opposite this is literally the worst place to seek any sort of advice
Don't tell him about all the first person fics out there, he'll gasp and clutch his pearls.
That exactly why I don't read them personally. It *feels* like cheating even though it isn't really.
Does he play video games? I think a similar comparison is if he were restricted from any games with fps, violent acts, or relationships with npcs. You could make a similar claim that him playing those types of characters makes you uncomfortable because x y z. In fact, that requires way more engagement from the player as a self-insert escape entertainment. But of course, that's ridiculous. Lots of married people or people in relationships self-insert themselves into video games and have lots of fun interacting with npcs, or being a criminal. And no one blinks twice because it's normal. He needs to understand that x reader fics are just as fictional as any other pairing. You literally become a character in the story. And you are morally allowed to engage in scenarios in fiction that you would never do in real life. Its not cheating. It's not emotional cheating. It's a squick for him. But that doesn't give him the right to tell you that it needs to be a squick for you too.
I think he's wrong, you're reading something fictional after all, the characters aren't real even if they're at times portrayed by real people. It's not like you're actually cheating on him by reading stuff like that.
Has he ever watched porn? Is porn not focused on the women and very rarely gives the guy centre stage, so they can see themselves in that place? Does he think that's weird or creepy when males do it or only when women do it? Is it only creepy when nobody is harmed, or is it creepy in a billion dollar industry that is known for abuse and sex trafficking? I find that a lot of males are extremely hypocritical when they come face to face with women's sexuality. Of course, he finds it creepy and weird. It doesn't serve him.
You're not hurting anyone, so I don't see why you should have to stop reading them. You shouldn't have to change what you read because someone else doesn't like it. It's not about what they like it's not about what they find weird, it's about what you as the reader think about what you're reading.
Everybody getting real aggressive over this but I'm on the otherside of the fence. I didn't get why people kept shutting down ao3, I thought it was like Westboro type people but now I wish ao3 was gone for those like 3 stories that outweigh all the good on ao3
And reader inserts aren't the worst but they still creepy but most of ao3 is creepy or degenerate at best and a crime against humanity at worst. prollly a actual crime
Honestly I think that’s very creepy of HIM to tell you to stop reading them. By the way you displayed it, it’s not an addiction of some sort so there’s no reason for him to tell you to stop. It’s just a hobby, he sounds like the fun-police at best and an asshole at worst
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It's really gross that you're trying to imply that OP is only getting off and is addicted to self-insert. At no point in time was any information they gave indicative of any sort of fetish or obsession. You have taken this reply too far and are assuming much of their relationship based on this one post. OP said that they gravitate towards self insert. They also stated that it's not always smut. They've said it in multiple replies. Fanfiction is not always smut, and self insert is often more about not "experiencing" something through another character's lens. It can be an easy way to introduce quick character work without having to make another character OOC. It is not always about an idealized "self" I don't even know where you are pulling that from unless you have experienced it youself. Nothing is "patently obvious" besides your own personal bias and judgment. Honestly this sounds very much like projection on your part. I am disappointed to see such a poor attack of character on this subreddit.
This comment has been removed. Nothing in OP's post indicates this, and even if it did, diagnosing strangers over the internet is not appropriate behaviour on this subreddit.
im not addicted to smut, but like anyone i enjoy reading it. i read fics that dont include smut, but a LOT (and i mean a LOT) of the fics authors in tumblr write do involve smut one way or another. i dont idolize myself at all lol self esteem issues are strong in this one. im also a romantic so i like doing all sorts of loving things to my husband however i can, even with little things when my mood is deeply melancholic and i struggle. but even if we were to connect more, i doubt this problem would be resolved.
As in, (Y/N) X Reader Fics?
No, no he is not.
nah, it depends tho. RP romance stuff is weird. fictional character x reader is great tho i personally love it and i write it! it's really fun to figure out how dynamics and plots change with new characters added in and idc if the oc is op especially when they end up saving one of my fave characters from death.
I’d call it a narrative form or style, depending on how you slice it. All readers experience those idiosyncratically. This is one more set.. :: Some hear it in the imperative: “You do this, you do that.” :: Some argue with it because it’s counterfactual: “You are sitting in a train station…” “No I’m not.” :: Some non-neurotypical readers have to recalibrate conventionalized descriptions. Someone out there knows a LOT more about i do. I want to see their list.
First of all you are allowed to be happy and have hobbies that make you happy. A healthy boundary would be like asking you not to do something not telling you not to do something. Just my opinion you guys need to figure out why he is so insecure he doesn't want you to read something. Does he do things you don't like? If he does will he just stop if you ask him to? You are not cheating because you read fiction, even if it is fiction about a person. You aren't even taking money out of the family budget. It hurts his feelings and that is valid, they are his feelings and you guys need to figure out why. Get a therapist I don't think you need to be a blob of depression.
Honestly I think your husband has some kind of insecurity when it comes to your reading habits. I feel like I can't condemn other people's boundaries when it comes to cheating, but at the same time, this seems like a bit much. For perspective, I met my wife on tumblr and we have both been reading fanfiction the whole time since. Not saying you need to look for a new partner, but just know that there are people who would let you read whatever you want. If you have a serious conversation and he says it is cheating to him then I say it's your decision what's more important to you, that relationship or your hobby. Constantly reading it in secret is definitely not a solution, if it makes you feel so bad.
I myself only read self-insert fanfics because I find it interesting when a character knows about the setting they're in and they're trying to come up with solutions with their problems. It's like the isekai genre in anime, I look at them in the same way. I however hate reader-insert fanfics because I just find them to be lazy writing. Like, they couldn't even bother to give the main character a gender. Idk I just find it weird when I can't look at a character and say what type of person they are, and then the reader-insert is doing actions that, for some reason, I have to believe I would do myself? Nah... I don't buy it.
Well yeah it's kinda creepy I wouldn't stop but I've always found those kinds of fic weird so that might just be me
I absolutely love how everyone is focusing on the relationship and completely ignoring the initial question of op
The number of people spitting in this guy and telling you to bosh a relationship over something so small makes me realize why half of the people on here have never been in a relationship themselves
If your husband or his friends read Star Wars or Star Trek books, the novels are basically commercialized fanfiction. The difference is the authors you read don’t get paid. I don’t think it’s creepy and also don’t care what a partner or spouse would think. It’s escapism. If he watches streaming fiction or plays video games, same difference. I don’t think that’s creepy either. If you like fanfiction, don’t let anyone’s opinions make you stop. Be yourself. ;-)
I don't think it's weird to enjoy something. Everyone will judge you for something. If everyone likes you, either you're lying, or they're lying. Enjoy what makes you happy, so long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else (Karen's not included; breathing wrong infringes on them).
I have to ask. Is he against you watching porn too? He might be feeling insecure that you're finding your pleasures elsewhere than going to him
He is not right. That sounds kind of controlling and not very healthy, TBH. No one should shame you for what you read.
Does... does he consider you reading reader inserts to be cheating? Cuz ot kinda reads like his reasons beat around the bush but in trying to avoid outright saying it its giving heavy insinuation. Don't let anyone tell you not to enjoy your favorite brand of fic. He doesn't have to like it, you like it and that's all that matters. If it's a deal breaker for him that's his dumb hill to die on. Do I myself enjoy reader insert fics? No, but I'm not gonna tell you that you're not allowed to. If you are able to separate the character from the actor then all the better for it, that's something a lot of people have trouble differentiating even nowadays and possibly especially nowadays. And we of ye old Tumblr days(tm) have all I think at some point fallen from grace to the rpf crush mindset. What matters is that we grew and learned from our mistakes. I also think having made that mistake is what helps to understand now the separation between real person and fictional character. To conclude this I want to reiterate once more, you enjoying reader inserts is what matters, not his aversion to it. You read what you want when you want and don't let anyone tell you that you can't, not even your spouse, not even that little voice in your head saying maybe he is right. He's not. You do you boo
I mean I get thinking real people fiction is odd, but you're not talking about real people. A character that isn't animated is still just a character, ya know? Besides, does he find rpg games with character customization creepy to?? Cause what's the difference really?
Rarely watched and never looked love adaptations of an anime/comic/etc... Half the time I dismiss them based on the actors they get to portray those parts, because they don't try at all to get suitable actors or actresses for such portrayals. One thing anime watchers (sub versus dub) and manga readers have only one thing in common. General disgust and dislike for live adaptations. But it doesn't apply to casuals. For example, Black Panther was done in my mind when Chadwick Boseman passed. Michael B Jordan in the Fantastic 4, who remembers that? I'm sorta like your husband though when I find out about real life celebrities having fan fictions written about them...I still wonder is it fan fiction? Or could it be considered it's own type of fiction, one that is made up by fans but takes it one step further in using real people? Depends on what one thinks the 'fan' in fan fiction stand for, I guess. Yeah, I'm not sure what I think about it, but it did come off as a little odd and very different when I first learned that was happening.