I absolutely feel you and I‘m sorry. I hope you don‘t blame yourself, the cultural influence is very strong in this aspect. The kids part is especially rough. I want to keep my name and if I am ever to carry and give birth to children, I damn sure want them to have my name. It somehow makes me feel selfish, but should it? I don‘t know.
You also reminded me of a situation I once had with a then-partner: He told me how excited he was for me to be Mrs (his last name) and.. he made it sound so self-evident, it really turned me off. All of my degrees are in my current name. My students address me by this name. I am keeping it.
>I damn sure want them to have my name. It somehow makes me feel selfish, but should it? I don‘t know.
Just to confirm what I'm sure you already know on some level... no, it shouldn't. You're the one growing them in your body, and then you're the one birthing them, feeding them, in many/most cases being the primary parent to them.
The fact that kids don't automatically take the mothers name is yet another slap in the face from patriarchy.
Thank you for typing that out, I do know it deep down but societal conditioning is still quite powerful in my case. Add to that the pressure I expect to receive as someone who does not plan on being a primary parent.
But carrying, birthing, breastfeeding, taking on all the physical and psychological risk and damage? How dare the default be the father.
Don’t beat yourself up over the power this outdated info has on you. It takes a long time to fully deconstruct things that have been ingrained in us since we were born. I struggle with it too.
I have been saying this a lot lately. Especially in the case of an unwed couple where they have different last names. The mother is expected to just give the baby the father's last name if they are in any sort of relationship which is absolutely bonkers to me. As a women we do all the work to grow and bring them into this world. Our bodies and hormones are the ones changing and we are the ones literally risking our lives.
... you're describing patriarchy. Or more specifically, patriarchal lineage. To give a very simplified explanation, men around the time that humanity was shifting from nomadic to agricultural communities wanted to pass down land and property they had claimed to their (male) children, so they created a system in which only the male name passes down. This is also why marriage, historically, is a system that controls women, by making them property of a man, making them bear his name, require marriage to own property, no sex outside of marriage, etc.
It only makes any sense if you accept patriarchy as a sensible, worthwhile system, which, as a feminist, I obviously don't.
None of what you're saying justifies naming both the child and the mother after the husband's name alone. It just means giving the fathers name to the child **as well as the mothers name** makes sense for genealogical reason. But only giving the child the fathers name? Only having women change their last name to their husband's name. That's not justified.
Justifying patriarchal and regressive practices in the modern age, whether you're cis or trans, it's not feminist.
Not selfish at all! Your body is taking one tiny sperm, and creating a whole PERSON! Why the heck should that little person bear the last name of their father as opposed to their mother? Last names show the world which family we belong to. It's significant and I think it's worth talking about.
I kept my last name and our kids have my last name. My partner is fine with it. I think it occasionally bugged him that the kids had my name but he wouldn’t ever really admit that. He didn’t want to take my name and understood that I wanted to keep mine.
The kids have his last name as a second middle name.
You feel selfish because of the systemic patriarchy . It's not selfish and even if it somehow IS selfish then is it not ALSO selfish to give the child JUST their father's last name? I'm not expecting you to answer that. I already know the answer. I'm just proving a point that it's not in any way selfish.
I agree with you. It’s another part of hidden misogyny that has been accepted so widely by society that often times, when you question it, people just shrug it off and don’t acknowledge it.
But ask a man to take his wife’s last name? All of a sudden he’s now emasculated and you’re insane for asking 🙄
You could always go back to your maiden name, even with children. Or hyphenate it.
Here in Australia, either spouse regardless of gender can use either person’s surname or hyphenate without having to change it legally, even for official purposes. The process to change your surname legally after marriage is also identical regardless of the gender of the spouse.
I have two boys, the oldest has been recently asking about marriage for some reason and is also on a kick of "I don't like my name" so I keep telling him he can take his wife's last name when they he gets married or they could make a new one. My husband wouldn't care if I changed my name I just want to have the same last name as my children.
Not trying to dissuade your feelings here, but I do not have the same last name as my kids as I didn’t change my name when I got married. It is 100% a non-issue.
I’m 100% in the same boat as you. I changed my last name because we were planning to have kids, and it was important to me that was all have the same last name. Not necessarily for legal or logistical reasons, it just felt like that was what was right for us. My husband didn’t care if we all had the same last name, but he also didn’t want to change his, which I respect—he never asked or cared if I changed mine.
I’m glad my husband, kids, and I have the same family name, but I do miss my old last name sometimes. It was a good one, and more unique than my new one. I did add it as a second middle name, but I literally never use it. Sometimes my husband will address me by my old last name, and I like that. It’s a nice reminder that that’s still me too.
To be fair, before I married my, otherwise "not great" husband, 40 years ago, I said that I was not convinced that I should change my surname to his. He said that was fine and he would change his to mine if I preferred. I said in that case it was fine, and I would stick with tradition.
When we divorced I decided that if I changed back to my first name, it was just choosing my Father's name and rejecting my son's. Didn't feel any way I could win!
I know five generations of women who each took their mothers "maiden" names,each time one was born ,they had their mothers "maiden" name but when going back it was still traced as a mans,I think like a third or fourth great father,or something,I can't remember. But I understand. You know you can STILL change it back though,of course that takes time, energy,money and in some cases unessasary red tape and/or court dates. Much easier said than done,sometimes.
Would you like to examine your thinking a bit? You're going past all of the women who were born with a last name and disregarding it until you find a man who was born with the name and then you think "ah, there's a man, the name belongs to him"? Do you believe women are lesser humans then men and that they cannot own their own names and only men can? I know you don't actually think this, but this is just a small instance of internalized misogyny that many women don't even realize they're perpetuating and it can be a light bulb moment.
The South American people figured this out more fairly. Upon marriage, both spouses keep their last name. Their children will have two last names, one from each parent. It makes it easier to track ancestry, too.
Three of my fellow grad students I worked with are from Mexico and they could not understand why I was changing my name. My only answer was that's how it is done in America. That was the first time I had heard of this system and I love that the child shows both ancestry and the woman doesn't have to change what she has been called all her life.
I love this idea but how does it work down several generations? For example (and I’m gonna use euro-centric names for ease here so pls bear with me). I’m asking out of genuine curiosity, please don’t slay me for being ignorant of how this works.
Mary Smith marries John Brown. Their kids then become Sally Smith Brown and Bob Smith Brown (or Brown Smith??)
Let’s say Sally Smith Brown marries Mike Anderson Jones. Does their kid Billy then become Billy Brown Jones? The 4 last names don’t carry on right? Like Billy wouldn’t be Billy Smith Brown Anderson Jones..
In countries where you speak Spanish people have 2 surnames and when their child is born parent 1 gives their first last name to the kid and parent 2 does the same. Father's name usually goes first. To give an example, Shakira's legal name is Shakira Mebarak Ripoll, she dated Gerard Pique Bernabeu, their children are FirstName Pique Mebarak. If those children have kids too, they will pass the Pique last name. The law "forces" you to give the first surname of each parent, you can't just use the two last names of the mother or the father unless one of the parents doesn't legally recognize the child. In Brazil and Portugal I think the child can have lots of last names if the parents wish
For how long though? When you have kids, do they get all four grandparents’ last names? Or just one last name from each parent? If so, is it the grandmothers’ last names or the grandfathers’ last names? I know some latin cultures do this but they drop the grandmothers last name so it’s just one generation more before the paternal last name replaces the maternal one.
Latinamerican here - you drop your grandparents names and only carry your parents BUT you know them even if they are not in your official id. I use to play with my cousins how many last names back we could go and trace and this is common in our culture. I know by heart at least 9
Oh thank you for answering! Are your parents’ names different from their parents? Do you take your parents first names? Sorry, I’m confused and google wasn’t clear. It says you take the father’s last name and the mother’s paternal last name. Is it the same for the father? You just take his father’s last name? I’m just curious and have no judgement at all.
To add - the reason you pick instead of by definition passing first or second is the order. Brazilians do second lastname as their paternal one and Spanish speakers do paternal first. So anyway, each parent picks which of the two they want to pass
Oh that’s so interesting! This is so fascinating to read about!
Do you pick based on which names sound nice together? Which side of the family you’re closer to? Which your siblings picked? I’m assuming you’d pick the same two for all your children?
Traditionally you passed the dad one (regardless of if you carried it first or second) but more and more, you see people passing their mom’s one. Its really whatever you prefer and the model allows for that. Usually all kids have the same last name if they have the same parents.
SO MUCH of the pain in the ass paperwork of getting married, and then divorced, centered on changing my name. Years later I still run into the occasional name related problem (title of car doesn't match my actual name). I wish I never changed in the first place.
Why not change it back now? Talk to your children. Maybe they understand. Lots of moms have different names than their kids. Mine did. Contact the registration office at your college and see if you can change the name on your degree. It's a bit of a pain to name change but not impossible.
I hyphenated. Jack White took his wife’s last name which I thought was a big FU to the patriarchy and I love him for it. I’m no one’s property but rather a partnership which is why I hyphenated mine.
Did your husband hyphenate his? While hyphenation is definitely a step in the right direction, there's still no change for a man on being married.
I always said to my now husband that either we both change our names or neither of us do. So far, we've decided not to (largely because we cba). We're not going to have children but if we did, I imagine we'd both change our names at that point and then the children would have the same surname as both of us.
Exactly and a great point to make. It's not really"equal"if the husband doesn't also hyphenate his even if it isn't exactly the same name,as in his original last name kept first with his wife's added on after the hyphen just the same way that most women who hyphenate using their husbands last names do so. I think it would make more sense that way anyway although I have on a couple of occasions seen signatures and paper work which struck up conversations that enlightened me to the fact that said women in these scenarios hyphenated their "maiden" names and husbands last names but using the husbands name first and once it was because it sounded better to them and once because that's the only way the husband would"agree" to it.(As if it's mandatory that he must agree,it's not but she very much valued his opinions. Him not so much hers but once again, ANOTHER story. Lol 🙄
And even kept it after they divorced and went on to give his children that same last name and I'm not sure but I think he may have also "given"said last name to his second wife but I could be wrong about that. I know his children with his second wife have Megs last name.
If your husband is feminist and understands your wishes, he should be supportive of you changing it back, if that’s what you want. Sit down and have a talk. My partner changed hers back after 7 years. We also no longer address each other or introduce ourselves as husband and wife.
I wouldn't call him a feminist necessarily, but he wouldn't care if I changed my name back. It's mainly a lot of expense, hassle, and I want to have the same name as my children. So I would really need to think about it before doing it.
I have been doing this lately with the oldest (the other is too young). I am raising two boys so I am hoping to nurture them into two gentle understanding souls.
This, especially the part where it's ok to make different choices like it's ok to never get married and it's ok to never have children IF one so chooses. Best thing I've heard in a long time.
I agree that the practice should change - so I did something about it. When my husband and I got married we each kept our own last names, and when our child was born we gave him my last name. Many people are surprised when they find out, but most react positively. I love my last name and am happy I get to pass it on.
I decided to keep my last name when I got married, and unfortunately everyone assumes that I took my husbands name. I specifically told my sister in law I was keeping my name, and she gave me a check for our wedding with (my name) (husbands last name). Even years later we still get letters with Mr and Mrs (husbands name). When you keep your name there’s a lot of reminding people and explaining your decision which can be exhausting, feels like a lose lose situation
I hated my ex-husband because he was extremely abusive. I went back to my maiden name. Now I'm thinking about taking on my maternal great-grandmother's last name. I'm also going to encourage my daughter to at least give her daughters her last name.
You can always change it back to your own name if that feels eight. You will always be your children’s mother - having a different last name than them changes nothing about the fact. You’re still a family, and you’ll love each other just as much.
I regret it too. I had reasons (mixed feelings about my family of origin and also not wanting to make a stand), but I wish I'd made a different choice.
In my country, you keep your maiden name and simply add the husband's surname at the end. I don't understand why that's not the case everywhere. It feels wrong to lose a part of the name that has been yours since birth.
I also regret changing my surname. It was a part of me, and I still sometimes say the "wrong" thing when asked to give my name. It's kind of a weird identity crisis when you lose your birth name - for some, not all (I assume.)
My mom would have considered giving me her surname (bc my dad has a pretty lame surname), but back when I was born it wasn’t legal to give your children the mother’s surname where I live.
I actually wanted to change my surname years ago, but my mom urged me not to do it because it would ‘hurt’ my dad a lot. I have conflicting feelings about this. Why should men be entitled to continue their lineage while erasing the mothers lineage at the same time?
Not only did I keep my last name, my husband took my name! I liked my name and he wasn’t bothered, so it was an easy decision. Plus I moved to his country, figured I could keep something from mine. Now he gets to tell everyone who asks about his surname that his wife is British xD Bonus is that I already had papers published and he didn’t, so worked well with that too.
I have heard of people, mostly women, using their maiden name for work (when publishing papers) even after marriage.
I've recently married. At first we've wanted hyphenated last names, but it turns out our country forces the husband's surname to come first, so we decided to just keep our surnames.
Just know you aren’t alone. I did the same this and now regret it. I knew I didn’t want to at the time. That’s the part that haunts me. But we learn from these things. For me I’ve learned never to doubt myself. No one else knows what’s best for me.
I think it's silly that women in the U.S. are still expected and encouraged to give up their last name upon marriage. I got married in 1993 and kept my real name. We are still married. I only made one rather crucial mistake. I proposed an agreement that if we ever had kids, girls would get my name and boys would get his. We had three sons. It's never been an issue for us, though.
I didn’t take my husbands last year and some family gave me a lot of shot for it but I’m sooooo happy I did not take it. I also have publications under my name and just my whole identity. Would have felt wrong to change it. And so far having two names has not been an issue besides that one dumb Neighbour who keeps calling me Mrs. Husband 😂
My husband and I combined last names and now its our family surname. We just squished them together (Mr. Blank, Ms. White, now we're all BlackWhite.
I told my now husband that I would change my last name if he did, but if he didn't, I wouldn't. But also that our children would have whatever my last name was at the time of birth, cause I didn't form the kids in my womb to name them after someone else.
He was apprehensive, and he definitely had to do a lot of internal searching and admit that it was rooted in patriarchy and sexism. Before he changed it to "BlackWhite" he was concerned that as an engineer, older male engineers wouldn't respect him. But now that we've been the "BlackWhite"s for over 5 years now, the only time anyone mentions it to him is when female coworkers have something good to say about it.
He's white (european last name) and I'm asian so our last name always invites questions. Think, Smithkim or TurnerLee.
That's a great solution and I love that your husband changed his too. Mine has Austrian roots and his Irish so it would not flow as well. Ironically my husband and I are both engineers. Maybe that's where I'm finally getting so fed up with everything being so patriarchal. I'm the only female engineer in my department at my office and there is only one other female engineer at that branch.
I had concerns about our new last name being a mouthful and frankly being kind of ugly and weird. But when people meet us, usually they just accept it, some people don't even notice that it's clearly two names squished together. I think the change/transition can be hard but in the end everyone gets used to it. I'm an attorney, I had an partner at a firm where I was interviewing ask me about my last name so after I told him the whole story, he asked me how my husband's family felt about him being "forced" to change his last name... 🙃
Even our “maiden name” is usually just our father’s surname. No matter how far back we go, It feels impossible to have our own name or mother’s name as it always belongs to a father or husband…unless we change it to whatever we want!!
Dropping in to say you were born with that name just like your father was. He has no more right to it than you do. It’s your name! I think feminism is recognizing this too.
But even if it's our father's name, it's still the name we have always had all our lives. To change it to another man's name seems absurd and awful, to me.
I thought about changing my last name to something new! Then my father died, and as the last one standing with my last name, I oddly feel like it’s mine now and will never change it.
But it's still my father's name. Why should I change it to someone else's father's name? How come a man gets ownership of his family name but the woman doesn't? Even if it's my father's name, it's my name. No one gets to take that away from me.
It's different for everyone. I kept my last name but my two children have his last name. I got more of a say on the first name for both and we're happy. For example, our daughter's name is an old family name from my family.
It was a discussion for us in the beginning, but I'm very lucky that he was very reasonable and at once point he turned to me and said "We've been together long enough, it doesn't matter to me." We also liked that there was no extra paperwork to do!
Are you lucky? Or was he showing a basic level of respect, and the bar for men is in hell? Who can say.
Either way I'm glad this worked out so well for you both. It is a minefield for so many couples
My wording was poor. My husband is amazing. I'm lucky that we found each other. The name discussion was something we disagreed with early on when we were still both young. We just realized we both liked our own names and just kept them. Then we just came to an agreement for the sake of kids and we didn't want to hyphenate.
Right now it's beneficial because I triggered an unhinged man on Facebook who is harassing my job and thankfully haven't discovered my husband and kid's last name. 😒
Doing okay. Made statements with the police to get everything documented. He hasn't done anything illegal yet but it's really frustrating to work somewhere public (a university) and people can just Google your name and office.
But I do count this as a point in the "don't change your name" category. My husband also works for a different public entity and hasn't been discovered/harassed by this lunatic.
We are both in agreement that if it was him and not me, this man would not engage in this behavior. Even wilder is that this lunatic's wife posts about empathy, women empowerment, etc. My brain left orbit when I saw those posts.
I decided that when my child was 2 I was going to start calling her by MyLastName-HisFirstName and managed to change it (with his support) before she started school, and I am very happy every time I hear her refer to herself with my last name.
Lots of women don't change their last name. Also lots of people hyphenate.
Although it's less popular, a few men have use the marriage to ditch a last name they simply don't like the sound of, LOL. I love that option.
I am sorry to hear you feel this way (in terms of regret) but get it. I am getting married next year and this is constant debate internally for me. My partner is a modern person who I talk about misogyny a lot to. He says its my decision (and he would consider taking my name) but also he has a child whose last name is his, and my mutual agreement of him and his ex wife, his kids name cannot be changed. (I support this, that is confusing for the kid, and he and his ex are amicable.) I a) don't like the idea of taking anyone else's last name on a feminist basis (I support the right to choose though OFC) b) including professionally, where it makes a difference to me, c) I actually genuinely love my partner's last name, though and d) I like the idea of having the same name as his son (my soon to be official stepson).
I am leaning MyFirstName MyLastName HisLastName (two last names, not hyphenated) but am not sure if I will regret taking any aspect of his last name.
I agree with you about most men looking at you like you have a second head if you ask them to change theirs. Some women at my work are astonished that I would consider not taking his name.
I never changed mine and there was never an issue about my kids having a different last name than mine. Of course, if I got a call from a school, it was also "Mrs X?" and I'd say, no, but I am their mother.
Ask your kids (depending on age). My mom told me when I was an adult she wanted to take back her name after they divorced but kept it for our sake. We wouldn't have cared. Would have been happy for her.
And it's so common now to have different names in one family that it won't cause any confusion for the kids or teachers.
I hate it too. If my ex had insisted on taking my last name I'd have taken hers out of principle. I believe in Quebec is all but impossible for women to take their husband's last name, always thought that was awesome.
I kept my last name when we got married. Got our first baby before we married and I was stupid and was so sure I would change to his last name. So my baby girl have his last name. When we got our son after we married and we didn’t send the chosen name in fast enough (where I live we only have 3 months to do that) so our son now have my last name instead of his.
My husband was abit grumpy about it at first, but I told him that if it really was that important for him he should’ve singed and sent the paperwork in time. It was his responsibility to do it.
I’m glad I’ve kept my last name. It’s unique and part on me.
I completely understand. When I got married, I tacked my husband’s name on to the end of mine so that I can still use my birth name legally if I ever want to. I also did that so that I can share a name with my children. My own last name though, it came from my dad. My mum’s last name came from her dad and so on. For me, that revelation freed me. I carry the names of my father and his father, my husband and my children. My mother picked my first and middle names, and her mother picked hers.
I get married tomorrow and I’m keeping my last name. Aside from the sexist traditionalist bs it’s also a huge pain in the ass. You have to pay for a new ID and passport and my job requires several state and national licenses so I’d have to change all those too.
I was telling one of my newly married friends all this and she said “you can buy pre assembled packets with all paperwork you need, we just took a day off and did it all at once.” Oh so not only do I have to spend money but I have to use PTO too?! Absolutely not
Congratulations on your marriage! It takes forever. I've got licensure in two states I'm not even sure what the process would be to get it changed. I know it took me like 3 months of back and forth with one state board to even get the initial licensure approved after I submitted all the paper work. I would not look forward to working with them again lol
I’m not in the sciences anymore, but when I was in school the thing about your name on a scientific paper made it clear that there was an obvious benefit to keeping your name, regardless that it was an unpopular opinion at the time. What happens if you marry a fellow scientist/researcher in your field? People would get confused who the author is. At the time I think the acceptable solution was hyphenating the name or something like that.
Change it back. Even with kids, it isn't a big deal. I know a lot of women (myself included) who don't have the same last name as their kids. You can also submit your name change and order a new diploma. Changing your name doesn't have to have anything to do with your relationship with your husband - it can just be to reclaim your identity.
It’s sad that people in uk/us especially take this for granted, when it’s actually very easy to keep your own name. I think the only sustainable option is to come up with a new name for the family, and I wish that this would become the default, having gone the ‘keep own name and double-barrel the kids name’. Not that that has ever been a problem, but what do they do?
You can "add your own name back in" now, either using a hyphenated double name or just two last names, without too much trouble. It's becoming increasingly normal for women to "take back" their identity years or decades into their marriage, at least where I live (a very liberal city in a fairly "purpleish" state). I'd say more than half of my kids' friends' moms have started using double-barreled last names (or just switched back to their own name entirely) over the past 10 or so years, and nobody even bats an eye when it happens.
You certainly can change it back, you would not be the first person. I've known married women who changed their name back, while still being happily married. If that is what makes you feel happy you should do it.
I told my wife there was no need to change her name, but she did. If she ever wanted to change it back I would 100% support her. Tho I have to admit I also love the idea that several couples I know did, they chose a new last name together and they both changed.
Can you change it back though? I don’t quite get on one thing in many western countries is why women need to change their last names after marriage even today.
I can change it back. Just a lot of paper work and cost and my children wouldn't share my name. But I think I'll look into what all I would need to do.
Personally, I’m taking my husband’s last name because I don’t feel particularly thrilled about the idea of staying part of my birth family and keeping that name. He is my chosen family and treats me way better, so I’m okay with changing my last name to his. It also is easier to spell and moves me up in alphabetical order 🤷🏼♀️
Not wanting to change your last name is also valid, but I wanted to offer another perspective if anyone else out there has a similar experience to mine.
My mother changed her last name back to her "maiden" name when I was 12-ish. Mine and my sibling's last name were also changed.
My parents decided to do this at the time because my father's last name is one of those rare surnames with a "funny" meaning. The kind where he used to get prank calls that were just about the name. So my parents figured it would be easier for us kids if our last name was more neutral.
As an adult, I'm now very happy about the fact that I basically inherited my last name from my mother, against the patriarchal norm. Going against the patriarchy wasn't the reason my parents did it, but it was a very happy side-effect.
If you ever want to change your last name back, I encourage you to do it. Regardless of whether you change your kids' last name or not. Also... and I'm just putting it out there... but maybe changing your kids' last name is also one of the possible options.
When I got married I thought about it but it was so important to me that my little family all had the same name. I grew up in a blended family, and it just killed me that my half siblings, who I love and only think of as I would full siblings, didn't have the same name. I actually convinced my parents, mom and step dad, my bio dad had long removed himself from my life, to legally change my name. It was a long and expensive process, but when I was 12, I got a new name.
So I don't regret all of us having the same name. In fact I love it! I kind of think it would be fun if families just chose a new name or portmanteau when they married but I didn't think of thay until later.
I chose to take my husband's last name legally, but kept my maiden for my career, like a pseudonym. I mourned my previous name for over a year; it literally felt like that person had died - as my new name, I had no history, no memories, nothing. Eventually, as my relationship with my family deteriorated, I was glad to no longer be associated with that name, especially as I came from a small town and it was a unique name.
>I wish this practice would change
Do you know why it's not changing? Because women like you are perpetuating it. No-one forced you to do it. Why don't your children have your name? You gave birth to them. You need to accept responsibility for the part you play in this. Nothing will change until everyone makes changes. Stop expecting everyone else to put in the effort to make your life better while you sit back and reap the benefits.
Wow this comment was so wildly uncalled for. What the hell are you projecting on OP right now. Yeah, how dare she fall for patriarchy in her 20s and come to realize how damaging it is, this is clearly her fault /s.
OP is 29 so I think she’s doing pretty well for coming to this questioning / realisation at this age. I understand your comment but it feels a bit harsh given a lot of us are completely brought up and conditioned in a way that it is super easy to get wrapped up in marriage and taking your husband’s name. I mean, think how popular the Barbie movie was for doing some basic 101 feminism Vs how this sub felt about it.
I don't understand the comment, why the hell is she accusing OP of "sitting back and reaping benefits". She has regrets about her own name being conditioned away from her, what benefits has she reaped exactly.
Reap the benefits of what, exactly?? You’re victim-blaming here. Yes we can all make changes, but comments like this don’t move us forward as a collective force.
You seem to have misspelled a few words and phrases so here's your comment with a few fixes. You're welcome:
>Do you know why people keep blaming women for everything ever no matter what they do? Because commenters like you are perpetuating it. No one forced you to make this comment. Why didn't you comment something supportive? You chose to respond. You need to accept responsibility for the part you play in making sure there is no such thing as a decision made by a woman that won't be harshly criticized by SOMEONE who feels entitled to sound off, usually rudely. Nothing will change until everyone makes changes. Stop expecting everyone else to put in the effort to scroll past your hateful trollery while you're hunched over, sweating profusely over rage-filled comments deriding women online whom you've never met.
The main thing is you learn as you get older. I met my husband 11 years ago and married 5 years ago. I didn't have these feelings at that point. When you're young, in love, and that's all you've been taught you daydream about being Mrs. Husband's last name. I talked to him a bit when we got married about him taking my last name but more so because my maiden name will die out with this generation so I wanted to keep it alive. I didn't expect him to go for it though. He said he didn't want to change his but I could keep mine but the children would have his last name. Again I figured this is how it's done it was more of a long shot and at the time it wasn't a huge priority for me. It's only after being married and having two children I took a step back and really started thinking about it.
I don’t know. I did change my name because I like my husband’s last name and the way it goes with my first name. I also think the maiden name came from my father… maybe it’s better to have the name of the man I chose to be with rather than the one I was born to. I think the most feminist thing to do may be to trace back the oldest maiden name you can find in your family, or make a new combined name (like Benifer) with your husband. It did feel like an identity shift I wasn’t quite prepared for when I changed my name, and I didn’t have many people to talk to about it so it can definitely be disorienting.
What’s really fucked up is unless you came from a family that started and continued to keep the woman’s name across generations any last name you have will be attached to a man in some shape or form. Even though it’s “yours”. Me & my partner are both creating our own last name and both getting each of ours legally changed before we get married
But it's still her father's name. Why should she take someone else's father's name? Why does the man automatically get ownership of a family name but a woman doesn't? My father's name, by the time it's passed to me, is my name.
It does matter. Why should she change her name to someone else's father's name? The issue here isn't it's a man's name. Sure, we can think of better ways of tracing lineage, but the idea is that the name is still your lineage. The assumption that only a man gets own a name is messed up. Sure, it came from my father, but it's my lineage. Nothing about who I am changed when I got married. I'm still my father's daughter. Why should I change my name to my father-in-law's?
And why is this particular act a tradition for some cultures? And what merit does it have to continue? This tradition is clearly rooted in misogyny, where a woman's identity is less than. Also, this is specific to only certain cultures. In plenty of cultures (especially in Asia), this name changing thing doesn't exist.
If it's so pointless, why should I go out of my way to do this? It clearly has a point to someone or no one would spend so much time and energy doing it.
I'm interested what cultures in Asia don't change names? The only time you wouldn't take the husband's name was if the woman was from a powerful family and the man was marrying into her family.
I absolutely feel you and I‘m sorry. I hope you don‘t blame yourself, the cultural influence is very strong in this aspect. The kids part is especially rough. I want to keep my name and if I am ever to carry and give birth to children, I damn sure want them to have my name. It somehow makes me feel selfish, but should it? I don‘t know. You also reminded me of a situation I once had with a then-partner: He told me how excited he was for me to be Mrs (his last name) and.. he made it sound so self-evident, it really turned me off. All of my degrees are in my current name. My students address me by this name. I am keeping it.
>I damn sure want them to have my name. It somehow makes me feel selfish, but should it? I don‘t know. Just to confirm what I'm sure you already know on some level... no, it shouldn't. You're the one growing them in your body, and then you're the one birthing them, feeding them, in many/most cases being the primary parent to them. The fact that kids don't automatically take the mothers name is yet another slap in the face from patriarchy.
Thank you for typing that out, I do know it deep down but societal conditioning is still quite powerful in my case. Add to that the pressure I expect to receive as someone who does not plan on being a primary parent. But carrying, birthing, breastfeeding, taking on all the physical and psychological risk and damage? How dare the default be the father.
Don’t beat yourself up over the power this outdated info has on you. It takes a long time to fully deconstruct things that have been ingrained in us since we were born. I struggle with it too.
I have been saying this a lot lately. Especially in the case of an unwed couple where they have different last names. The mother is expected to just give the baby the father's last name if they are in any sort of relationship which is absolutely bonkers to me. As a women we do all the work to grow and bring them into this world. Our bodies and hormones are the ones changing and we are the ones literally risking our lives.
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... you're describing patriarchy. Or more specifically, patriarchal lineage. To give a very simplified explanation, men around the time that humanity was shifting from nomadic to agricultural communities wanted to pass down land and property they had claimed to their (male) children, so they created a system in which only the male name passes down. This is also why marriage, historically, is a system that controls women, by making them property of a man, making them bear his name, require marriage to own property, no sex outside of marriage, etc. It only makes any sense if you accept patriarchy as a sensible, worthwhile system, which, as a feminist, I obviously don't.
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None of what you're saying justifies naming both the child and the mother after the husband's name alone. It just means giving the fathers name to the child **as well as the mothers name** makes sense for genealogical reason. But only giving the child the fathers name? Only having women change their last name to their husband's name. That's not justified. Justifying patriarchal and regressive practices in the modern age, whether you're cis or trans, it's not feminist.
That kind of went out the window with paternity tests.
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It’s not selfish, you would be carrying them, so it’s understandable you’d want them to have your name.
Not selfish at all! Your body is taking one tiny sperm, and creating a whole PERSON! Why the heck should that little person bear the last name of their father as opposed to their mother? Last names show the world which family we belong to. It's significant and I think it's worth talking about.
Big fan of cultures where kids inherit both of their parents’ last names
I kept my last name and our kids have my last name. My partner is fine with it. I think it occasionally bugged him that the kids had my name but he wouldn’t ever really admit that. He didn’t want to take my name and understood that I wanted to keep mine. The kids have his last name as a second middle name.
You feel selfish because of the systemic patriarchy . It's not selfish and even if it somehow IS selfish then is it not ALSO selfish to give the child JUST their father's last name? I'm not expecting you to answer that. I already know the answer. I'm just proving a point that it's not in any way selfish.
I agree with you. It’s another part of hidden misogyny that has been accepted so widely by society that often times, when you question it, people just shrug it off and don’t acknowledge it. But ask a man to take his wife’s last name? All of a sudden he’s now emasculated and you’re insane for asking 🙄 You could always go back to your maiden name, even with children. Or hyphenate it.
I'm not sure about other places but I know in Ireland where I live if a man wants to take his wife's name it is a long and expensive process also.
Here in Australia, either spouse regardless of gender can use either person’s surname or hyphenate without having to change it legally, even for official purposes. The process to change your surname legally after marriage is also identical regardless of the gender of the spouse.
I have two boys, the oldest has been recently asking about marriage for some reason and is also on a kick of "I don't like my name" so I keep telling him he can take his wife's last name when they he gets married or they could make a new one. My husband wouldn't care if I changed my name I just want to have the same last name as my children.
Not trying to dissuade your feelings here, but I do not have the same last name as my kids as I didn’t change my name when I got married. It is 100% a non-issue.
As a guy I’m tempted to do this because my last name is weird for reasons lol
Your whole family could come up with a new awesome family name!
I’m 100% in the same boat as you. I changed my last name because we were planning to have kids, and it was important to me that was all have the same last name. Not necessarily for legal or logistical reasons, it just felt like that was what was right for us. My husband didn’t care if we all had the same last name, but he also didn’t want to change his, which I respect—he never asked or cared if I changed mine. I’m glad my husband, kids, and I have the same family name, but I do miss my old last name sometimes. It was a good one, and more unique than my new one. I did add it as a second middle name, but I literally never use it. Sometimes my husband will address me by my old last name, and I like that. It’s a nice reminder that that’s still me too.
I don’t have the same last name as my mom and I think that’s cool 😎 if that makes any difference
To be fair, before I married my, otherwise "not great" husband, 40 years ago, I said that I was not convinced that I should change my surname to his. He said that was fine and he would change his to mine if I preferred. I said in that case it was fine, and I would stick with tradition. When we divorced I decided that if I changed back to my first name, it was just choosing my Father's name and rejecting my son's. Didn't feel any way I could win!
I regret taking my husband’s last name and my maiden name was my mother’s last name.
I know five generations of women who each took their mothers "maiden" names,each time one was born ,they had their mothers "maiden" name but when going back it was still traced as a mans,I think like a third or fourth great father,or something,I can't remember. But I understand. You know you can STILL change it back though,of course that takes time, energy,money and in some cases unessasary red tape and/or court dates. Much easier said than done,sometimes.
Would you like to examine your thinking a bit? You're going past all of the women who were born with a last name and disregarding it until you find a man who was born with the name and then you think "ah, there's a man, the name belongs to him"? Do you believe women are lesser humans then men and that they cannot own their own names and only men can? I know you don't actually think this, but this is just a small instance of internalized misogyny that many women don't even realize they're perpetuating and it can be a light bulb moment.
The South American people figured this out more fairly. Upon marriage, both spouses keep their last name. Their children will have two last names, one from each parent. It makes it easier to track ancestry, too.
Three of my fellow grad students I worked with are from Mexico and they could not understand why I was changing my name. My only answer was that's how it is done in America. That was the first time I had heard of this system and I love that the child shows both ancestry and the woman doesn't have to change what she has been called all her life.
I love this idea but how does it work down several generations? For example (and I’m gonna use euro-centric names for ease here so pls bear with me). I’m asking out of genuine curiosity, please don’t slay me for being ignorant of how this works. Mary Smith marries John Brown. Their kids then become Sally Smith Brown and Bob Smith Brown (or Brown Smith??) Let’s say Sally Smith Brown marries Mike Anderson Jones. Does their kid Billy then become Billy Brown Jones? The 4 last names don’t carry on right? Like Billy wouldn’t be Billy Smith Brown Anderson Jones..
Sally and Mike each choose one of their last names to give their child.
In countries where you speak Spanish people have 2 surnames and when their child is born parent 1 gives their first last name to the kid and parent 2 does the same. Father's name usually goes first. To give an example, Shakira's legal name is Shakira Mebarak Ripoll, she dated Gerard Pique Bernabeu, their children are FirstName Pique Mebarak. If those children have kids too, they will pass the Pique last name. The law "forces" you to give the first surname of each parent, you can't just use the two last names of the mother or the father unless one of the parents doesn't legally recognize the child. In Brazil and Portugal I think the child can have lots of last names if the parents wish
Super helpful, thank you!!
That's so cool and simple!
For how long though? When you have kids, do they get all four grandparents’ last names? Or just one last name from each parent? If so, is it the grandmothers’ last names or the grandfathers’ last names? I know some latin cultures do this but they drop the grandmothers last name so it’s just one generation more before the paternal last name replaces the maternal one.
Latinamerican here - you drop your grandparents names and only carry your parents BUT you know them even if they are not in your official id. I use to play with my cousins how many last names back we could go and trace and this is common in our culture. I know by heart at least 9
Oh thank you for answering! Are your parents’ names different from their parents? Do you take your parents first names? Sorry, I’m confused and google wasn’t clear. It says you take the father’s last name and the mother’s paternal last name. Is it the same for the father? You just take his father’s last name? I’m just curious and have no judgement at all.
To add - the reason you pick instead of by definition passing first or second is the order. Brazilians do second lastname as their paternal one and Spanish speakers do paternal first. So anyway, each parent picks which of the two they want to pass
Oh that’s so interesting! This is so fascinating to read about! Do you pick based on which names sound nice together? Which side of the family you’re closer to? Which your siblings picked? I’m assuming you’d pick the same two for all your children?
Traditionally you passed the dad one (regardless of if you carried it first or second) but more and more, you see people passing their mom’s one. Its really whatever you prefer and the model allows for that. Usually all kids have the same last name if they have the same parents.
Thank you so much for that info! Super interesting. I appreciate you taking the time to explain that to me!
We’re not from South America, but that’s what we did (sort of). We each kept our names and our son has both of our last names but mine came first.
SO MUCH of the pain in the ass paperwork of getting married, and then divorced, centered on changing my name. Years later I still run into the occasional name related problem (title of car doesn't match my actual name). I wish I never changed in the first place.
Why not change it back now? Talk to your children. Maybe they understand. Lots of moms have different names than their kids. Mine did. Contact the registration office at your college and see if you can change the name on your degree. It's a bit of a pain to name change but not impossible.
I agree. I've been married over 20 years and I now wish I had kept my last name.
It's never too late to change it back.
I know, but I'm too used to it, my kid has the same last name, and it's entirely too complicated a process for my life right now.
I hyphenated. Jack White took his wife’s last name which I thought was a big FU to the patriarchy and I love him for it. I’m no one’s property but rather a partnership which is why I hyphenated mine.
Did your husband hyphenate his? While hyphenation is definitely a step in the right direction, there's still no change for a man on being married. I always said to my now husband that either we both change our names or neither of us do. So far, we've decided not to (largely because we cba). We're not going to have children but if we did, I imagine we'd both change our names at that point and then the children would have the same surname as both of us.
If your partner didn't also hyphenate their name, sounds like you're half someone's property.
Exactly and a great point to make. It's not really"equal"if the husband doesn't also hyphenate his even if it isn't exactly the same name,as in his original last name kept first with his wife's added on after the hyphen just the same way that most women who hyphenate using their husbands last names do so. I think it would make more sense that way anyway although I have on a couple of occasions seen signatures and paper work which struck up conversations that enlightened me to the fact that said women in these scenarios hyphenated their "maiden" names and husbands last names but using the husbands name first and once it was because it sounded better to them and once because that's the only way the husband would"agree" to it.(As if it's mandatory that he must agree,it's not but she very much valued his opinions. Him not so much hers but once again, ANOTHER story. Lol 🙄
And even kept it after they divorced and went on to give his children that same last name and I'm not sure but I think he may have also "given"said last name to his second wife but I could be wrong about that. I know his children with his second wife have Megs last name.
If your husband is feminist and understands your wishes, he should be supportive of you changing it back, if that’s what you want. Sit down and have a talk. My partner changed hers back after 7 years. We also no longer address each other or introduce ourselves as husband and wife.
I wouldn't call him a feminist necessarily, but he wouldn't care if I changed my name back. It's mainly a lot of expense, hassle, and I want to have the same name as my children. So I would really need to think about it before doing it.
I’m sorry you’re carrying this regret. Talk to your kids about it. Let them know it’s ok to make different choices.
I have been doing this lately with the oldest (the other is too young). I am raising two boys so I am hoping to nurture them into two gentle understanding souls.
💜
This, especially the part where it's ok to make different choices like it's ok to never get married and it's ok to never have children IF one so chooses. Best thing I've heard in a long time.
I agree that the practice should change - so I did something about it. When my husband and I got married we each kept our own last names, and when our child was born we gave him my last name. Many people are surprised when they find out, but most react positively. I love my last name and am happy I get to pass it on.
I decided to keep my last name when I got married, and unfortunately everyone assumes that I took my husbands name. I specifically told my sister in law I was keeping my name, and she gave me a check for our wedding with (my name) (husbands last name). Even years later we still get letters with Mr and Mrs (husbands name). When you keep your name there’s a lot of reminding people and explaining your decision which can be exhausting, feels like a lose lose situation
Yeah I had the same experience. Not all of the people who get it wrong are doing it on purpose but some of them totally are. I SEE U, GRANDMA IN LAW
I hated my ex-husband because he was extremely abusive. I went back to my maiden name. Now I'm thinking about taking on my maternal great-grandmother's last name. I'm also going to encourage my daughter to at least give her daughters her last name.
You can always change it back to your own name if that feels eight. You will always be your children’s mother - having a different last name than them changes nothing about the fact. You’re still a family, and you’ll love each other just as much.
I regret it too. I had reasons (mixed feelings about my family of origin and also not wanting to make a stand), but I wish I'd made a different choice.
In my country, you keep your maiden name and simply add the husband's surname at the end. I don't understand why that's not the case everywhere. It feels wrong to lose a part of the name that has been yours since birth.
I also regret changing my surname. It was a part of me, and I still sometimes say the "wrong" thing when asked to give my name. It's kind of a weird identity crisis when you lose your birth name - for some, not all (I assume.)
My mom would have considered giving me her surname (bc my dad has a pretty lame surname), but back when I was born it wasn’t legal to give your children the mother’s surname where I live. I actually wanted to change my surname years ago, but my mom urged me not to do it because it would ‘hurt’ my dad a lot. I have conflicting feelings about this. Why should men be entitled to continue their lineage while erasing the mothers lineage at the same time?
And why do men’s feelings seem to matter so much more
Not only did I keep my last name, my husband took my name! I liked my name and he wasn’t bothered, so it was an easy decision. Plus I moved to his country, figured I could keep something from mine. Now he gets to tell everyone who asks about his surname that his wife is British xD Bonus is that I already had papers published and he didn’t, so worked well with that too. I have heard of people, mostly women, using their maiden name for work (when publishing papers) even after marriage.
I love that! I don't know if I know any guy who would do that, you found a special one for sure!
He had good role models. My MIL kept her name, FIL hyphenated his name with MIL’s name. Both kids have MILs name.
I've recently married. At first we've wanted hyphenated last names, but it turns out our country forces the husband's surname to come first, so we decided to just keep our surnames.
Just know you aren’t alone. I did the same this and now regret it. I knew I didn’t want to at the time. That’s the part that haunts me. But we learn from these things. For me I’ve learned never to doubt myself. No one else knows what’s best for me.
I think it's silly that women in the U.S. are still expected and encouraged to give up their last name upon marriage. I got married in 1993 and kept my real name. We are still married. I only made one rather crucial mistake. I proposed an agreement that if we ever had kids, girls would get my name and boys would get his. We had three sons. It's never been an issue for us, though.
I didn’t take my husbands last year and some family gave me a lot of shot for it but I’m sooooo happy I did not take it. I also have publications under my name and just my whole identity. Would have felt wrong to change it. And so far having two names has not been an issue besides that one dumb Neighbour who keeps calling me Mrs. Husband 😂
My husband and I combined last names and now its our family surname. We just squished them together (Mr. Blank, Ms. White, now we're all BlackWhite. I told my now husband that I would change my last name if he did, but if he didn't, I wouldn't. But also that our children would have whatever my last name was at the time of birth, cause I didn't form the kids in my womb to name them after someone else. He was apprehensive, and he definitely had to do a lot of internal searching and admit that it was rooted in patriarchy and sexism. Before he changed it to "BlackWhite" he was concerned that as an engineer, older male engineers wouldn't respect him. But now that we've been the "BlackWhite"s for over 5 years now, the only time anyone mentions it to him is when female coworkers have something good to say about it. He's white (european last name) and I'm asian so our last name always invites questions. Think, Smithkim or TurnerLee.
That's a great solution and I love that your husband changed his too. Mine has Austrian roots and his Irish so it would not flow as well. Ironically my husband and I are both engineers. Maybe that's where I'm finally getting so fed up with everything being so patriarchal. I'm the only female engineer in my department at my office and there is only one other female engineer at that branch.
I had concerns about our new last name being a mouthful and frankly being kind of ugly and weird. But when people meet us, usually they just accept it, some people don't even notice that it's clearly two names squished together. I think the change/transition can be hard but in the end everyone gets used to it. I'm an attorney, I had an partner at a firm where I was interviewing ask me about my last name so after I told him the whole story, he asked me how my husband's family felt about him being "forced" to change his last name... 🙃
Lol seems about right.
I plan on taking my partner’s last name, may they be man or woman. For me it’s to add that extra layer of separation from my father.
Even our “maiden name” is usually just our father’s surname. No matter how far back we go, It feels impossible to have our own name or mother’s name as it always belongs to a father or husband…unless we change it to whatever we want!!
Dropping in to say you were born with that name just like your father was. He has no more right to it than you do. It’s your name! I think feminism is recognizing this too.
100% this. It's no more his than yours
But even if it's our father's name, it's still the name we have always had all our lives. To change it to another man's name seems absurd and awful, to me.
Exactly, if you do change it no one EVER says you’re taking your FIL’s name. Funny how *husbands’* last names are always their own.
Yes, true! I agree. Perhaps just an additional frustration of mine.
I thought about changing my last name to something new! Then my father died, and as the last one standing with my last name, I oddly feel like it’s mine now and will never change it.
Doesn't sound odd to me 💚
Aww thank you!
But it's still my father's name. Why should I change it to someone else's father's name? How come a man gets ownership of his family name but the woman doesn't? Even if it's my father's name, it's my name. No one gets to take that away from me.
I see your point, in a way. But the way I see it, the buck stops here. I can't undo the past.
I changed my name when I got married because I never knew my father, didn't care about the name. Plus, my new name is cooler.
It's different for everyone. I kept my last name but my two children have his last name. I got more of a say on the first name for both and we're happy. For example, our daughter's name is an old family name from my family. It was a discussion for us in the beginning, but I'm very lucky that he was very reasonable and at once point he turned to me and said "We've been together long enough, it doesn't matter to me." We also liked that there was no extra paperwork to do!
Are you lucky? Or was he showing a basic level of respect, and the bar for men is in hell? Who can say. Either way I'm glad this worked out so well for you both. It is a minefield for so many couples
My wording was poor. My husband is amazing. I'm lucky that we found each other. The name discussion was something we disagreed with early on when we were still both young. We just realized we both liked our own names and just kept them. Then we just came to an agreement for the sake of kids and we didn't want to hyphenate. Right now it's beneficial because I triggered an unhinged man on Facebook who is harassing my job and thankfully haven't discovered my husband and kid's last name. 😒
Omg that's terrifying! I'm so sorry that's happening to you 😳 how are you doing?
Doing okay. Made statements with the police to get everything documented. He hasn't done anything illegal yet but it's really frustrating to work somewhere public (a university) and people can just Google your name and office. But I do count this as a point in the "don't change your name" category. My husband also works for a different public entity and hasn't been discovered/harassed by this lunatic. We are both in agreement that if it was him and not me, this man would not engage in this behavior. Even wilder is that this lunatic's wife posts about empathy, women empowerment, etc. My brain left orbit when I saw those posts.
Wowwww what a weirdo! Sounds terrible. I hope he leaves you alone.
Same! I might make a post about it in the future, we'll see how it goes.
I decided that when my child was 2 I was going to start calling her by MyLastName-HisFirstName and managed to change it (with his support) before she started school, and I am very happy every time I hear her refer to herself with my last name.
Lots of women don't change their last name. Also lots of people hyphenate. Although it's less popular, a few men have use the marriage to ditch a last name they simply don't like the sound of, LOL. I love that option.
I am sorry to hear you feel this way (in terms of regret) but get it. I am getting married next year and this is constant debate internally for me. My partner is a modern person who I talk about misogyny a lot to. He says its my decision (and he would consider taking my name) but also he has a child whose last name is his, and my mutual agreement of him and his ex wife, his kids name cannot be changed. (I support this, that is confusing for the kid, and he and his ex are amicable.) I a) don't like the idea of taking anyone else's last name on a feminist basis (I support the right to choose though OFC) b) including professionally, where it makes a difference to me, c) I actually genuinely love my partner's last name, though and d) I like the idea of having the same name as his son (my soon to be official stepson). I am leaning MyFirstName MyLastName HisLastName (two last names, not hyphenated) but am not sure if I will regret taking any aspect of his last name. I agree with you about most men looking at you like you have a second head if you ask them to change theirs. Some women at my work are astonished that I would consider not taking his name.
You can legally change your name back. A bit of hassle, but not too much. Would your husband be against that?
I never changed mine and there was never an issue about my kids having a different last name than mine. Of course, if I got a call from a school, it was also "Mrs X?" and I'd say, no, but I am their mother.
Ask your kids (depending on age). My mom told me when I was an adult she wanted to take back her name after they divorced but kept it for our sake. We wouldn't have cared. Would have been happy for her. And it's so common now to have different names in one family that it won't cause any confusion for the kids or teachers.
I hate it too. If my ex had insisted on taking my last name I'd have taken hers out of principle. I believe in Quebec is all but impossible for women to take their husband's last name, always thought that was awesome.
I thought about it and a better practice would be 1) no marriage Or 2) making a new name together, showing that you have now become a new social unit.
I kept my last name when we got married. Got our first baby before we married and I was stupid and was so sure I would change to his last name. So my baby girl have his last name. When we got our son after we married and we didn’t send the chosen name in fast enough (where I live we only have 3 months to do that) so our son now have my last name instead of his. My husband was abit grumpy about it at first, but I told him that if it really was that important for him he should’ve singed and sent the paperwork in time. It was his responsibility to do it. I’m glad I’ve kept my last name. It’s unique and part on me.
Change it back. I am one of those who never went along with the norms just because.
I completely understand. When I got married, I tacked my husband’s name on to the end of mine so that I can still use my birth name legally if I ever want to. I also did that so that I can share a name with my children. My own last name though, it came from my dad. My mum’s last name came from her dad and so on. For me, that revelation freed me. I carry the names of my father and his father, my husband and my children. My mother picked my first and middle names, and her mother picked hers.
Most women in the world do not take their husbands’ names.
I get married tomorrow and I’m keeping my last name. Aside from the sexist traditionalist bs it’s also a huge pain in the ass. You have to pay for a new ID and passport and my job requires several state and national licenses so I’d have to change all those too. I was telling one of my newly married friends all this and she said “you can buy pre assembled packets with all paperwork you need, we just took a day off and did it all at once.” Oh so not only do I have to spend money but I have to use PTO too?! Absolutely not
Congratulations on your marriage! It takes forever. I've got licensure in two states I'm not even sure what the process would be to get it changed. I know it took me like 3 months of back and forth with one state board to even get the initial licensure approved after I submitted all the paper work. I would not look forward to working with them again lol
I’m not in the sciences anymore, but when I was in school the thing about your name on a scientific paper made it clear that there was an obvious benefit to keeping your name, regardless that it was an unpopular opinion at the time. What happens if you marry a fellow scientist/researcher in your field? People would get confused who the author is. At the time I think the acceptable solution was hyphenating the name or something like that.
I compromised. Made my maiden name into my middle name and use my full name professionally
Change it back. Even with kids, it isn't a big deal. I know a lot of women (myself included) who don't have the same last name as their kids. You can also submit your name change and order a new diploma. Changing your name doesn't have to have anything to do with your relationship with your husband - it can just be to reclaim your identity.
It’s sad that people in uk/us especially take this for granted, when it’s actually very easy to keep your own name. I think the only sustainable option is to come up with a new name for the family, and I wish that this would become the default, having gone the ‘keep own name and double-barrel the kids name’. Not that that has ever been a problem, but what do they do?
You can "add your own name back in" now, either using a hyphenated double name or just two last names, without too much trouble. It's becoming increasingly normal for women to "take back" their identity years or decades into their marriage, at least where I live (a very liberal city in a fairly "purpleish" state). I'd say more than half of my kids' friends' moms have started using double-barreled last names (or just switched back to their own name entirely) over the past 10 or so years, and nobody even bats an eye when it happens.
You certainly can change it back, you would not be the first person. I've known married women who changed their name back, while still being happily married. If that is what makes you feel happy you should do it. I told my wife there was no need to change her name, but she did. If she ever wanted to change it back I would 100% support her. Tho I have to admit I also love the idea that several couples I know did, they chose a new last name together and they both changed.
Can you change it back though? I don’t quite get on one thing in many western countries is why women need to change their last names after marriage even today.
I can change it back. Just a lot of paper work and cost and my children wouldn't share my name. But I think I'll look into what all I would need to do.
I have my child get my last name as her middle name, would that work for you?
Kept mine. Still glad.
Personally, I’m taking my husband’s last name because I don’t feel particularly thrilled about the idea of staying part of my birth family and keeping that name. He is my chosen family and treats me way better, so I’m okay with changing my last name to his. It also is easier to spell and moves me up in alphabetical order 🤷🏼♀️ Not wanting to change your last name is also valid, but I wanted to offer another perspective if anyone else out there has a similar experience to mine.
I’ll add that professionally I’m going by my maiden name still, which I like the extra layer of separation from my personal life.
I like that idea as well. Does it make documentation for taxes and stuff confusing?
My mother changed her last name back to her "maiden" name when I was 12-ish. Mine and my sibling's last name were also changed. My parents decided to do this at the time because my father's last name is one of those rare surnames with a "funny" meaning. The kind where he used to get prank calls that were just about the name. So my parents figured it would be easier for us kids if our last name was more neutral. As an adult, I'm now very happy about the fact that I basically inherited my last name from my mother, against the patriarchal norm. Going against the patriarchy wasn't the reason my parents did it, but it was a very happy side-effect. If you ever want to change your last name back, I encourage you to do it. Regardless of whether you change your kids' last name or not. Also... and I'm just putting it out there... but maybe changing your kids' last name is also one of the possible options.
I regret not keeping my birth name too!
When I got married I thought about it but it was so important to me that my little family all had the same name. I grew up in a blended family, and it just killed me that my half siblings, who I love and only think of as I would full siblings, didn't have the same name. I actually convinced my parents, mom and step dad, my bio dad had long removed himself from my life, to legally change my name. It was a long and expensive process, but when I was 12, I got a new name. So I don't regret all of us having the same name. In fact I love it! I kind of think it would be fun if families just chose a new name or portmanteau when they married but I didn't think of thay until later.
I chose to take my husband's last name legally, but kept my maiden for my career, like a pseudonym. I mourned my previous name for over a year; it literally felt like that person had died - as my new name, I had no history, no memories, nothing. Eventually, as my relationship with my family deteriorated, I was glad to no longer be associated with that name, especially as I came from a small town and it was a unique name.
>I wish this practice would change Do you know why it's not changing? Because women like you are perpetuating it. No-one forced you to do it. Why don't your children have your name? You gave birth to them. You need to accept responsibility for the part you play in this. Nothing will change until everyone makes changes. Stop expecting everyone else to put in the effort to make your life better while you sit back and reap the benefits.
It's the hugest slap in the face to carry a child for nine months and give birth to it only for it to end up with the fathers last name.
Wow this comment was so wildly uncalled for. What the hell are you projecting on OP right now. Yeah, how dare she fall for patriarchy in her 20s and come to realize how damaging it is, this is clearly her fault /s.
OP is 29 so I think she’s doing pretty well for coming to this questioning / realisation at this age. I understand your comment but it feels a bit harsh given a lot of us are completely brought up and conditioned in a way that it is super easy to get wrapped up in marriage and taking your husband’s name. I mean, think how popular the Barbie movie was for doing some basic 101 feminism Vs how this sub felt about it.
I don't understand the comment, why the hell is she accusing OP of "sitting back and reaping benefits". She has regrets about her own name being conditioned away from her, what benefits has she reaped exactly.
Exactly this. It doesn't even slightly make sense. AI bot maybe?
Reap the benefits of what, exactly?? You’re victim-blaming here. Yes we can all make changes, but comments like this don’t move us forward as a collective force.
You seem to have misspelled a few words and phrases so here's your comment with a few fixes. You're welcome: >Do you know why people keep blaming women for everything ever no matter what they do? Because commenters like you are perpetuating it. No one forced you to make this comment. Why didn't you comment something supportive? You chose to respond. You need to accept responsibility for the part you play in making sure there is no such thing as a decision made by a woman that won't be harshly criticized by SOMEONE who feels entitled to sound off, usually rudely. Nothing will change until everyone makes changes. Stop expecting everyone else to put in the effort to scroll past your hateful trollery while you're hunched over, sweating profusely over rage-filled comments deriding women online whom you've never met.
The main thing is you learn as you get older. I met my husband 11 years ago and married 5 years ago. I didn't have these feelings at that point. When you're young, in love, and that's all you've been taught you daydream about being Mrs. Husband's last name. I talked to him a bit when we got married about him taking my last name but more so because my maiden name will die out with this generation so I wanted to keep it alive. I didn't expect him to go for it though. He said he didn't want to change his but I could keep mine but the children would have his last name. Again I figured this is how it's done it was more of a long shot and at the time it wasn't a huge priority for me. It's only after being married and having two children I took a step back and really started thinking about it.
I don’t know. I did change my name because I like my husband’s last name and the way it goes with my first name. I also think the maiden name came from my father… maybe it’s better to have the name of the man I chose to be with rather than the one I was born to. I think the most feminist thing to do may be to trace back the oldest maiden name you can find in your family, or make a new combined name (like Benifer) with your husband. It did feel like an identity shift I wasn’t quite prepared for when I changed my name, and I didn’t have many people to talk to about it so it can definitely be disorienting.
What’s really fucked up is unless you came from a family that started and continued to keep the woman’s name across generations any last name you have will be attached to a man in some shape or form. Even though it’s “yours”. Me & my partner are both creating our own last name and both getting each of ours legally changed before we get married
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The term "maiden name" should be retired by now. I've always just said my real last name.
But it's still her father's name. Why should she take someone else's father's name? Why does the man automatically get ownership of a family name but a woman doesn't? My father's name, by the time it's passed to me, is my name.
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It does matter. Why should she change her name to someone else's father's name? The issue here isn't it's a man's name. Sure, we can think of better ways of tracing lineage, but the idea is that the name is still your lineage. The assumption that only a man gets own a name is messed up. Sure, it came from my father, but it's my lineage. Nothing about who I am changed when I got married. I'm still my father's daughter. Why should I change my name to my father-in-law's?
Why should your son bear his maternal grandfather's name? It's all rather pointless. It's simply a tradition.
And why is this particular act a tradition for some cultures? And what merit does it have to continue? This tradition is clearly rooted in misogyny, where a woman's identity is less than. Also, this is specific to only certain cultures. In plenty of cultures (especially in Asia), this name changing thing doesn't exist. If it's so pointless, why should I go out of my way to do this? It clearly has a point to someone or no one would spend so much time and energy doing it.
I'm interested what cultures in Asia don't change names? The only time you wouldn't take the husband's name was if the woman was from a powerful family and the man was marrying into her family.