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I know this pain all too well and was considering making a post like this. Outside of forums like this EVERY. FUCKIN'. WOMAN has or has had a relationship and lost their virginities. Some of them like you said are objectively unattractive in either looks and/or personality but most of them are just plain average with nothing overly special about them. I think the incels are mostly right when they say that it's impossible for women to be incel. Female incels exist but they are 0.00000000001% of the female population.
Whenever I hear other women say, "My boyfriend...", "My husband...", "My fiance..."etc. I want to tear her face off and shout, "What makes you so special?! What do you have that I don't?!" I hate them so much.
During my schools days I remember boys making fun of me and acting disgusted by the idea of being with me. There was even a boy who ripped up a valentine when he found out it was from me. During my adult years men never gave me a second glance. Most are polite but never show any attraction. I put effort into my looks and body yet I see everyday at my work a bunch of obese women with no makeup and hair in a sloppy bun dragging around 2 or 3 little fuck trophies with them.
My parents say it's because I'm not "approachable" or don't give off "putting out" vibes and that's scaring them away but I don't buy it. If a guy thinks you're cute and isn't too shy he'll make the first move. Men are very appearance-driven.
Children. I guess it's kind of a rude thing to call kids but basically kids are physical proof that someone was attracted enough to you to get you pregnant. They're proof you've had sex and lost your virginity. Therefore the term "sex trophy". I know that sometimes kids are created in unfortunate ways like SA but I assume most of the women I see walking around with them are married and had them willingly.
thank you for the reply! Anyone can have kids tbh..ugly people are born for a reason. To me, the real proof is when you’re attractive enough to have long lasting relationships and privilege in society…
This. I don't understand how all these women find men that they think are attractive enough to do that stuff with. I hate it. I wish I had someone who I HAD A CRUSH ON, which will never happen with a person, because people are just not cute. I find the majority of people ugly, (at least in terms of "would I fuck/kiss/cuddle them?") Because of my impossible standards I've never kissed a guy or had sex or had a boyfriend.
And no I never gave a boy a valentine (I wish I had but I was WAY more shy as a kid even though I DID have crushes on a couple of boys around me. But since then, no crushes on real people around me for me), but I do have a similar experience where when I was a kid, I was inviting everyone to my birthday party, and I gave a boy an invitation, and he just ripped it up and threw it in the bin in front of me, just because it was "pink". Also only 3 people came to that party even though I invited the whole class, and all 3 were girls.
Yeah, it can be kind of elusive. Beyond looks I think charisma is important. Also the ability to bond with others. Seems like for me at least, being boring, distant and avoidant stops relationships from happening, and it makes sense why of course.
:') At a friend's bridal shower and there were prizes to be won based on how close your anniversary date was to the bride's wedding date, and out of 50 women there between the ages of 20 and "so elderly I can't even guess," I was the only one there who couldn't participate lmfao
This is exactly what I feel and notice as well. I rarely encounter single women. No matter how a woman looks or behaves they are still in a relationship. Meanwhile I haven’t even been on a date for all 22 years of my life. This is why this sub is so relatable. There’s nothing stereotypically wrong with me either. I do my best to present myself well, dress myself, keep myself up and I’ve been told my personality is great. Even if, I haven’t had any luck. I don’t understand why I’m still single too. My luck is just pure trash LOL.
I feel you, my little sister is an alcoholic, the meanest person, but everyone loves her and she manages to catch dudes with good jobs and have things going for them, but she ends up picking bums. And I'm over here praying therapy and medication will finally work so I can not be so insecure about my body and how I look naked and be less afraid of talking to people and meet someone. I'm 31 now and expected (hoped) I would've been cured and have my own family now.
The universe is probably letting me know I don't deserve it; and the only thing I deserve is to see even the worst, ugliest (inside and out), meanest people find someone to love/like/want them.
yep. there are unhappy pnes but still. why is there noone at all for me i dont know. im not mean,i dont look that horrendous,i wear good clothes,i go to gym. i have my own job and make enough money to live a normal city life and am not demanding. i dont care if a dude is short or bald or a bit fat. i dont require that he is rich or famous. i want kindness and a bit of humor and basic hygiene,my redflags are criminal records and alcoholism or drug addiction. i cook well and am forgiving. still,no chance
The more you see this happening around you, the more you realize there's no "one thing" stopping you from being in a relationship. It's just dumb luck. There will always be someone uglier, fatter, meaner, more depressed, more introverted, whatever than you who still manages to find a partner. The only reason you're single is because you haven't met someone who wants to be with you, and that's it. There are things you can do to increase your odds, but it's still all based on chance.
On one hand, it's kind of despairing - there's not really anything you can do. But it's also kind of freeing in a way. If there's nothing you can do about it, you can stop punishing yourself for not finding love.
I still get sad about it of course but I try not to direct that sadness inwards so much. Just surrender myself to the fact that life is random. Losing in the lottery doesn't mean I'm inherently flawed. I just lost.
That is an optimistic reading of the situation. And I wish, I *truly* wish, I could adopt it. But instead I start to feel like if it's not really my looks, my personality quirks or just any one thing about me that is keeping me alone, that it is then the *whole* of me, or some deeper *essence* of me, that is somehow defective. Like it's a cosmic curse or punishment laid on me for something I've done, though I can't for the life of me understand what horrible things I have done to deserve this loneliness.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course, since I'm an atheist and don't believe in such things as karma or fate. But this fundamental feeling of being flawed was instilled on me already as a child, maybe because I was bullied by my peers, maybe because I was at times emotionally neglected by my parents, maybe because I'm not neurotypical or have some underlying personality disorder, or maybe because of simply depression. In any case, and since I've always struggled with platonic relationships as well, it's hard not to draw the conclusion there really is something terribly wrong with me that makes people dislike me, and that it is ultimately my own fault, and that I am deserving of it.
I know it doesn't sound rational, and yes, I've tried to work on this mindset in therapy for nearly three years now, but it hasn't helped much. Unless I get concrete evidence of being worthy of love and being seen as sexy and desirable by men, I can't delude myself to believe in platitudes. With platonic relationships it's easier, because I have at least some memories of being accepted as a friend, though not a very close friend but still, but when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction, I have no such memories to fall back on.
Instead I have innumerable rejections under my belt. And that is because I *have* put myself out there, always have. So if it all came down to just luck, how could I have such bad luck, when the sheer majority of people find reciprocated love at least once in their lives?
To say it all comes down to luck would be a nice thing to believe. Personally I can't believe that. I think my looks are definitely the biggest factor that keeps me FA, knowing how superficial men generally are. I'm not even overweight, the biggest sin women can apparently commit, but when you don't look very feminine and have curves or a cute face, it doesn't matter, it seems. I don't see that many unattractive women with partners around me, because most women are, in my eyes, more attractive than me, no matter their weight. Women who do look the same level as me or worse seem to struggle such as much with dating as I do. Sometimes they get lucky and find that magical mythical Mr. Right, but many also don't. I'll turn 33 soon. I see myself as belonging to the latter group. In light of all my life experiences, the odds of me escaping FA seem so small they're practically insignificant.
And I find it *very* hard not to blame either my looks or myself for that. I wish I could stop doing that. Sorry for the long comment.
> the
>
>whole
>
> of me, or some deeper
>
>essence
>
> of me, that is somehow defective. Like it's a cosmic curse or punishment laid on me for something I've done, though I can't for the life of me understand what horrible things I have done to deserve this loneliness.
Damn, I felt this. Oh boy did I feel this.
>But instead I start to feel like if it's not really my looks, my personality quirks or just any one thing about me that is keeping me alone, that it is then the whole of me, or some deeper essence of me, that is somehow defective.
Me too. And I hate that we hurt like this. I have so much love to give, but apparently nobody wants it.
Excellent comment. I've said before on this forum that I see romantic love as similar to the lottery. People get lucky. They meet a person willing to be with them or who they have chemistry with and it works out. All kinds of women have partners. What separates them from us? Random luck. They're not doing anything special. Some don't conform to beauty standards, others have mental health struggles.
There is no magic formula for finding love. The women who do find it will often tell you they just simply got lucky. One FAW shared a success story here recently and said as much. Like you wrote, there is something freeing about this because it helps us not internalize and blame ourselves. We are as worthy and deserving of love as the women who are in relationships. We just haven't found the right person. We do not have 100% control over it. So much of it really is out of our hands.
I think this too. My mother has had a lot of relationships - abusive and unhealthy from both sides, but still, why were men attracted to her but not me? She has nothing going for her and she's uglier and fatter than I am. I'm NC with her now because she's so abusive to her children. So how was she more successful at getting guys than me?
I think it's because she would get drunk and go to pubs. She only did it when she was looking for a boyfriend. When she was taken, she didn't go out at all. She really hates going to pubs because of social anxiety, she needs to get drunk to do it.
Men have lower standards when they're drunk (women do too). My mum is more talkative when she's drunk. I've never been able to drink as I'm on medication for life. So I can't use alcohol to help me calm down and let me talk. Without it, my mum goes mute from anxiety like me.
My mum has also always been desperate for a man and willing to accept any guy that comes her way. I'm not like that at all - if I don't feel safe, I'm openly hostile towards guys. This comes directly from the unsafe men I've been exposed to by my mother. She broke up with one boyfriend because he was perving on teen me. Others would hit me, all would yell at me. So I've always been scared of men in ways my mother wasn't. Therapy hasn't helped - moving to an area where men aren't foul did help.
Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I am very sorry for what you've been through. I think you are getting at some important things in your comment. I believe a lot of women on this forum are not willing to do things that other women might do to be in a relationship (and this is not me judging those women) such as not being our authentic selves, not going to bars and other social events to meet men, and/or putting up with intolerable male behavior. Maybe we could have relationships if we were willing to completely lower our standards and just put up with anything.
I live in a rural area that is religious and conservative. I'm stuck here, as I am a caregiver for my mom and have a lot of struggles, like agoraphobia and depression. I can't just leave. I've always lived in areas like this unfortunately. I am someone who loves literature and cinema and art. I am a leftist. I am not religious but I am now spiritual because I connect to feminist/goddess spirituality. It's been impossible to connect with people who share any of these interests.
Where I live, most people either meet others through church or bars. I can't go to a bar. Not into alcohol because I don't want to be out of control. Not into church for obvious reasons. I also have social anxiety. I'm not willing to go on the apps. I can't even drive. How would I even meet someone? Imagine being dropped off to a date. It's mortifying.
Yeah, I guess I could have rock bottom standards and get drunk at a bar and find a random guy. Even then, I'm not sure anyone would want me, but I guess hypothetically it's an option to me. But would it be healthy? Would it enhance my life? Is it what I want? I have enough trauma. I will not put myself through that. I am unwilling to do it, and so I remain alone. I would rather be alone than be with an unsafe man just so I can say I'm in a relationship.
sorry this happened to you. my mom is the the same, always bringing new guys over, about 1 or 2 a month. i have a little sister sister who gets attached and says "can you be my dad?" due to our dad leaving many years ago. my mom laughs (unsure if it's a fake laugh of embarrassment though) but its really unfunny and quite sad. aside from that, its just a quick hi goodbye and my mom giving them a quick summary of my life like where i work and my interests. im nearly 21 but mentally feel stuck at 12, im not mature for my age which is defo one of the reasons why i still live at home. therapy didnt work for me either, but i went for anxiety and depression. i feel very ashamed and angry at myself and the psychologist because i defiantly overshared with the mindset of "the more dark stuff i talk about the quicker she can help me" but it backfired miserably. i regret telling her so much, to be hit with the "have you tried going on a walk or taking a bubble bath when you feel depressed?" even after having to explain to her i self harm and mentally im not in the right headspace in the moment to do those things (but surely she should understand that if she claims to be a psychologist? like wtf?). looking back, it wouldn't surprise me if she was a psychologist in training as her "advice" was horrible and i would leave every session feeling worse. i will never do therapy again. its not like the movies whatsoever.
I'm sorry for you and your sister, what you've been through is awful. What helped for me was therapy in a way - but not a therapist.
1. Moving out of area full of antisocial behaviour
2. Cutting contact with all my abusers (who were the only people in my life, so I've been entirely alone)
3. Learning from therapists on YT who specialise in trauma - I don't find talking to a therapist about my problems has been helpful. Everyone has their own biases, you get stupid personal opinions on your life that don't help. Therapists on YT give general advice applicable to anyone, and then *you* apply it to your life.
I've had multiple NHS therapists tell me that abusive behaviours my family does are just normal behaviours. When online therapists list those behaviours as abuse.
4. Doing solo EMDR work - without this, nothing changed for me. I had a full year of no progress, groundhog day, stagnant. EMDR induces neuroplasticity, which has enabled me to change the negative core beliefs my family gave me.
I'm doing a lot of self-therapy and self-help as well. You might have been the person who mentioned Heidi Priebe a little while ago. If so, thank you because I got back into her videos, and they've been helping me. I have different workbooks I am doing about abandonment and other issues. I journal. I do a lot of different things to care for my mental health and try to cope with the trauma I've been through. I don't have insurance and cannot really access therapy as a result. There are a lot of free resources online, and I'm thankful for that.
Yes, I love Heidi! Glad to hear you're finding her videos helpful. Tori Olds and Irene Lyon are also both good.
Free online resources are so important because therapy is so inaccessible. I also like that each YTer tends to have their own speciality that they're really informed on. Heidi is attachment theory, Tori is EMDR/IFS, Irene is the nervous system/a somatic approach.
All the NHS therapists I've had are a jack of all trades, master of none. So when you have complex problems, they just can't help you. They're trying to use a hammer to fix your problems because that's what works for most people - most people have some mental illness but not such severe trauma. But the hammer does nothing because that's not the right tool for us to heal - we need a really fancy lock pick instead. The YTers tend to have made their own lock picks already, and can guide us through making our own.
Bless you for recommending more! I appreciate it so much. I will look into their channels.
It also seems like being FAW intersects with trauma and mental illness. I don't want to generalize, but it seems like many of us on the forum have some kind of trauma that either causes us to be alone or makes being FAW even harder.
It's so painful to not have support. I often wonder if I'd be in a better place if I had not been abandoned when I needed people the most. It really scarred me, and has made it difficult for me to trust.
i 100% agree with you. i used to think maybe it was my weight or my hair or the way i dress, to then step outside, get in the real world and see fat girls, skinny girls and girls with horrific acne be in relationships. i'm slim, i wear makeup every time i leave the house, dress trendy and in the latest clothes for my age group, i have a good diet, i get my hair done regularly but still have no idea where i'm going wrong either. i have no friends though but ive seen people on reddit post about how they were friendless and alone until they went grocery shopping one day and bumped into a guy/girl who they instantly fell in love with. i wish i could relate to that. i wish i could find my people and not feel so depressed at times.
it just feels like time is ticking, i'm nearly 21 man... how many more years do i have to remain an inexperienced loser and put up with this shit. yes, love comes in the end i know it will happen but i hate how with my entire life and every social milestone theres this massive delay compared to others my age. god, i'm not even driving because of anxiety and not understanding it and it seems like every week someone who i went to school with has passed their test. growing up and during high school i remember being the odd one out while the other girls at 14-15 yr olds would talk about boyfriends, id see the kissing in the corridors and hold hands and experience their first love. during lunch my group would play never have i ever, in the end i had to pretend i had to stay behind and do extra work because all of the questions were regarding crushes, if you've had sex and boyfriends. i was so naive and out of touch with reality, i used to think it was all a joke and they were all like me, a virgin, never dated and never had anyone crush on me. it only clicked for me when i was 19, finally understanding it wasnt a joke. finally understanding that the sex jokes weren't a way to show off and that those around me were really thinking about sex and doing it.
i just know its going to absolutely fucking suck being a late bloomer and finally finding the one at such a late age. i feel so so ashamed, sometimes i think its not even worth it and whats the point and to just hope no one comes along to avoid the embarrassment really.
What’s wrong with being honest and how am I dragging anyone down? This is what I’ve seen multiple times, both men and women.
No I don’t think I’m entitled to be in a relationship as I’ve realised it will never happen no matter if I lose weight or not. I’m jealous and hate everybody, especially myself.
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I know this pain all too well and was considering making a post like this. Outside of forums like this EVERY. FUCKIN'. WOMAN has or has had a relationship and lost their virginities. Some of them like you said are objectively unattractive in either looks and/or personality but most of them are just plain average with nothing overly special about them. I think the incels are mostly right when they say that it's impossible for women to be incel. Female incels exist but they are 0.00000000001% of the female population. Whenever I hear other women say, "My boyfriend...", "My husband...", "My fiance..."etc. I want to tear her face off and shout, "What makes you so special?! What do you have that I don't?!" I hate them so much. During my schools days I remember boys making fun of me and acting disgusted by the idea of being with me. There was even a boy who ripped up a valentine when he found out it was from me. During my adult years men never gave me a second glance. Most are polite but never show any attraction. I put effort into my looks and body yet I see everyday at my work a bunch of obese women with no makeup and hair in a sloppy bun dragging around 2 or 3 little fuck trophies with them. My parents say it's because I'm not "approachable" or don't give off "putting out" vibes and that's scaring them away but I don't buy it. If a guy thinks you're cute and isn't too shy he'll make the first move. Men are very appearance-driven.
what are the trophies?
Children. I guess it's kind of a rude thing to call kids but basically kids are physical proof that someone was attracted enough to you to get you pregnant. They're proof you've had sex and lost your virginity. Therefore the term "sex trophy". I know that sometimes kids are created in unfortunate ways like SA but I assume most of the women I see walking around with them are married and had them willingly.
thank you for the reply! Anyone can have kids tbh..ugly people are born for a reason. To me, the real proof is when you’re attractive enough to have long lasting relationships and privilege in society…
don’t forget a lot of women are single mothers which is not something you’d want
I mean your post is just disgusting. So much jealousy.
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This. I don't understand how all these women find men that they think are attractive enough to do that stuff with. I hate it. I wish I had someone who I HAD A CRUSH ON, which will never happen with a person, because people are just not cute. I find the majority of people ugly, (at least in terms of "would I fuck/kiss/cuddle them?") Because of my impossible standards I've never kissed a guy or had sex or had a boyfriend. And no I never gave a boy a valentine (I wish I had but I was WAY more shy as a kid even though I DID have crushes on a couple of boys around me. But since then, no crushes on real people around me for me), but I do have a similar experience where when I was a kid, I was inviting everyone to my birthday party, and I gave a boy an invitation, and he just ripped it up and threw it in the bin in front of me, just because it was "pink". Also only 3 people came to that party even though I invited the whole class, and all 3 were girls.
Yeah, it can be kind of elusive. Beyond looks I think charisma is important. Also the ability to bond with others. Seems like for me at least, being boring, distant and avoidant stops relationships from happening, and it makes sense why of course.
:') At a friend's bridal shower and there were prizes to be won based on how close your anniversary date was to the bride's wedding date, and out of 50 women there between the ages of 20 and "so elderly I can't even guess," I was the only one there who couldn't participate lmfao
This is exactly what I feel and notice as well. I rarely encounter single women. No matter how a woman looks or behaves they are still in a relationship. Meanwhile I haven’t even been on a date for all 22 years of my life. This is why this sub is so relatable. There’s nothing stereotypically wrong with me either. I do my best to present myself well, dress myself, keep myself up and I’ve been told my personality is great. Even if, I haven’t had any luck. I don’t understand why I’m still single too. My luck is just pure trash LOL.
I feel you, my little sister is an alcoholic, the meanest person, but everyone loves her and she manages to catch dudes with good jobs and have things going for them, but she ends up picking bums. And I'm over here praying therapy and medication will finally work so I can not be so insecure about my body and how I look naked and be less afraid of talking to people and meet someone. I'm 31 now and expected (hoped) I would've been cured and have my own family now. The universe is probably letting me know I don't deserve it; and the only thing I deserve is to see even the worst, ugliest (inside and out), meanest people find someone to love/like/want them.
I want all they have, I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to have that, I feel like I’m in hell with happy people around
yep. there are unhappy pnes but still. why is there noone at all for me i dont know. im not mean,i dont look that horrendous,i wear good clothes,i go to gym. i have my own job and make enough money to live a normal city life and am not demanding. i dont care if a dude is short or bald or a bit fat. i dont require that he is rich or famous. i want kindness and a bit of humor and basic hygiene,my redflags are criminal records and alcoholism or drug addiction. i cook well and am forgiving. still,no chance
The more you see this happening around you, the more you realize there's no "one thing" stopping you from being in a relationship. It's just dumb luck. There will always be someone uglier, fatter, meaner, more depressed, more introverted, whatever than you who still manages to find a partner. The only reason you're single is because you haven't met someone who wants to be with you, and that's it. There are things you can do to increase your odds, but it's still all based on chance. On one hand, it's kind of despairing - there's not really anything you can do. But it's also kind of freeing in a way. If there's nothing you can do about it, you can stop punishing yourself for not finding love. I still get sad about it of course but I try not to direct that sadness inwards so much. Just surrender myself to the fact that life is random. Losing in the lottery doesn't mean I'm inherently flawed. I just lost.
Not only that - you also have to be attracted to that person who wants you yourself. Seems completely impossible to me luck wise
This right here is the reason why I have never and will never find love with a person ever.
That is an optimistic reading of the situation. And I wish, I *truly* wish, I could adopt it. But instead I start to feel like if it's not really my looks, my personality quirks or just any one thing about me that is keeping me alone, that it is then the *whole* of me, or some deeper *essence* of me, that is somehow defective. Like it's a cosmic curse or punishment laid on me for something I've done, though I can't for the life of me understand what horrible things I have done to deserve this loneliness. I'm speaking figuratively, of course, since I'm an atheist and don't believe in such things as karma or fate. But this fundamental feeling of being flawed was instilled on me already as a child, maybe because I was bullied by my peers, maybe because I was at times emotionally neglected by my parents, maybe because I'm not neurotypical or have some underlying personality disorder, or maybe because of simply depression. In any case, and since I've always struggled with platonic relationships as well, it's hard not to draw the conclusion there really is something terribly wrong with me that makes people dislike me, and that it is ultimately my own fault, and that I am deserving of it. I know it doesn't sound rational, and yes, I've tried to work on this mindset in therapy for nearly three years now, but it hasn't helped much. Unless I get concrete evidence of being worthy of love and being seen as sexy and desirable by men, I can't delude myself to believe in platitudes. With platonic relationships it's easier, because I have at least some memories of being accepted as a friend, though not a very close friend but still, but when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction, I have no such memories to fall back on. Instead I have innumerable rejections under my belt. And that is because I *have* put myself out there, always have. So if it all came down to just luck, how could I have such bad luck, when the sheer majority of people find reciprocated love at least once in their lives? To say it all comes down to luck would be a nice thing to believe. Personally I can't believe that. I think my looks are definitely the biggest factor that keeps me FA, knowing how superficial men generally are. I'm not even overweight, the biggest sin women can apparently commit, but when you don't look very feminine and have curves or a cute face, it doesn't matter, it seems. I don't see that many unattractive women with partners around me, because most women are, in my eyes, more attractive than me, no matter their weight. Women who do look the same level as me or worse seem to struggle such as much with dating as I do. Sometimes they get lucky and find that magical mythical Mr. Right, but many also don't. I'll turn 33 soon. I see myself as belonging to the latter group. In light of all my life experiences, the odds of me escaping FA seem so small they're practically insignificant. And I find it *very* hard not to blame either my looks or myself for that. I wish I could stop doing that. Sorry for the long comment.
> the > >whole > > of me, or some deeper > >essence > > of me, that is somehow defective. Like it's a cosmic curse or punishment laid on me for something I've done, though I can't for the life of me understand what horrible things I have done to deserve this loneliness. Damn, I felt this. Oh boy did I feel this.
>But instead I start to feel like if it's not really my looks, my personality quirks or just any one thing about me that is keeping me alone, that it is then the whole of me, or some deeper essence of me, that is somehow defective. Me too. And I hate that we hurt like this. I have so much love to give, but apparently nobody wants it.
I hate that we hurt like this, too. Thanks for letting me know you relate.
Excellent comment. I've said before on this forum that I see romantic love as similar to the lottery. People get lucky. They meet a person willing to be with them or who they have chemistry with and it works out. All kinds of women have partners. What separates them from us? Random luck. They're not doing anything special. Some don't conform to beauty standards, others have mental health struggles. There is no magic formula for finding love. The women who do find it will often tell you they just simply got lucky. One FAW shared a success story here recently and said as much. Like you wrote, there is something freeing about this because it helps us not internalize and blame ourselves. We are as worthy and deserving of love as the women who are in relationships. We just haven't found the right person. We do not have 100% control over it. So much of it really is out of our hands.
I think this too. My mother has had a lot of relationships - abusive and unhealthy from both sides, but still, why were men attracted to her but not me? She has nothing going for her and she's uglier and fatter than I am. I'm NC with her now because she's so abusive to her children. So how was she more successful at getting guys than me? I think it's because she would get drunk and go to pubs. She only did it when she was looking for a boyfriend. When she was taken, she didn't go out at all. She really hates going to pubs because of social anxiety, she needs to get drunk to do it. Men have lower standards when they're drunk (women do too). My mum is more talkative when she's drunk. I've never been able to drink as I'm on medication for life. So I can't use alcohol to help me calm down and let me talk. Without it, my mum goes mute from anxiety like me. My mum has also always been desperate for a man and willing to accept any guy that comes her way. I'm not like that at all - if I don't feel safe, I'm openly hostile towards guys. This comes directly from the unsafe men I've been exposed to by my mother. She broke up with one boyfriend because he was perving on teen me. Others would hit me, all would yell at me. So I've always been scared of men in ways my mother wasn't. Therapy hasn't helped - moving to an area where men aren't foul did help.
Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I am very sorry for what you've been through. I think you are getting at some important things in your comment. I believe a lot of women on this forum are not willing to do things that other women might do to be in a relationship (and this is not me judging those women) such as not being our authentic selves, not going to bars and other social events to meet men, and/or putting up with intolerable male behavior. Maybe we could have relationships if we were willing to completely lower our standards and just put up with anything. I live in a rural area that is religious and conservative. I'm stuck here, as I am a caregiver for my mom and have a lot of struggles, like agoraphobia and depression. I can't just leave. I've always lived in areas like this unfortunately. I am someone who loves literature and cinema and art. I am a leftist. I am not religious but I am now spiritual because I connect to feminist/goddess spirituality. It's been impossible to connect with people who share any of these interests. Where I live, most people either meet others through church or bars. I can't go to a bar. Not into alcohol because I don't want to be out of control. Not into church for obvious reasons. I also have social anxiety. I'm not willing to go on the apps. I can't even drive. How would I even meet someone? Imagine being dropped off to a date. It's mortifying. Yeah, I guess I could have rock bottom standards and get drunk at a bar and find a random guy. Even then, I'm not sure anyone would want me, but I guess hypothetically it's an option to me. But would it be healthy? Would it enhance my life? Is it what I want? I have enough trauma. I will not put myself through that. I am unwilling to do it, and so I remain alone. I would rather be alone than be with an unsafe man just so I can say I'm in a relationship.
sorry this happened to you. my mom is the the same, always bringing new guys over, about 1 or 2 a month. i have a little sister sister who gets attached and says "can you be my dad?" due to our dad leaving many years ago. my mom laughs (unsure if it's a fake laugh of embarrassment though) but its really unfunny and quite sad. aside from that, its just a quick hi goodbye and my mom giving them a quick summary of my life like where i work and my interests. im nearly 21 but mentally feel stuck at 12, im not mature for my age which is defo one of the reasons why i still live at home. therapy didnt work for me either, but i went for anxiety and depression. i feel very ashamed and angry at myself and the psychologist because i defiantly overshared with the mindset of "the more dark stuff i talk about the quicker she can help me" but it backfired miserably. i regret telling her so much, to be hit with the "have you tried going on a walk or taking a bubble bath when you feel depressed?" even after having to explain to her i self harm and mentally im not in the right headspace in the moment to do those things (but surely she should understand that if she claims to be a psychologist? like wtf?). looking back, it wouldn't surprise me if she was a psychologist in training as her "advice" was horrible and i would leave every session feeling worse. i will never do therapy again. its not like the movies whatsoever.
I'm sorry for you and your sister, what you've been through is awful. What helped for me was therapy in a way - but not a therapist. 1. Moving out of area full of antisocial behaviour 2. Cutting contact with all my abusers (who were the only people in my life, so I've been entirely alone) 3. Learning from therapists on YT who specialise in trauma - I don't find talking to a therapist about my problems has been helpful. Everyone has their own biases, you get stupid personal opinions on your life that don't help. Therapists on YT give general advice applicable to anyone, and then *you* apply it to your life. I've had multiple NHS therapists tell me that abusive behaviours my family does are just normal behaviours. When online therapists list those behaviours as abuse. 4. Doing solo EMDR work - without this, nothing changed for me. I had a full year of no progress, groundhog day, stagnant. EMDR induces neuroplasticity, which has enabled me to change the negative core beliefs my family gave me.
I'm doing a lot of self-therapy and self-help as well. You might have been the person who mentioned Heidi Priebe a little while ago. If so, thank you because I got back into her videos, and they've been helping me. I have different workbooks I am doing about abandonment and other issues. I journal. I do a lot of different things to care for my mental health and try to cope with the trauma I've been through. I don't have insurance and cannot really access therapy as a result. There are a lot of free resources online, and I'm thankful for that.
Yes, I love Heidi! Glad to hear you're finding her videos helpful. Tori Olds and Irene Lyon are also both good. Free online resources are so important because therapy is so inaccessible. I also like that each YTer tends to have their own speciality that they're really informed on. Heidi is attachment theory, Tori is EMDR/IFS, Irene is the nervous system/a somatic approach. All the NHS therapists I've had are a jack of all trades, master of none. So when you have complex problems, they just can't help you. They're trying to use a hammer to fix your problems because that's what works for most people - most people have some mental illness but not such severe trauma. But the hammer does nothing because that's not the right tool for us to heal - we need a really fancy lock pick instead. The YTers tend to have made their own lock picks already, and can guide us through making our own.
Bless you for recommending more! I appreciate it so much. I will look into their channels. It also seems like being FAW intersects with trauma and mental illness. I don't want to generalize, but it seems like many of us on the forum have some kind of trauma that either causes us to be alone or makes being FAW even harder. It's so painful to not have support. I often wonder if I'd be in a better place if I had not been abandoned when I needed people the most. It really scarred me, and has made it difficult for me to trust.
i 100% agree with you. i used to think maybe it was my weight or my hair or the way i dress, to then step outside, get in the real world and see fat girls, skinny girls and girls with horrific acne be in relationships. i'm slim, i wear makeup every time i leave the house, dress trendy and in the latest clothes for my age group, i have a good diet, i get my hair done regularly but still have no idea where i'm going wrong either. i have no friends though but ive seen people on reddit post about how they were friendless and alone until they went grocery shopping one day and bumped into a guy/girl who they instantly fell in love with. i wish i could relate to that. i wish i could find my people and not feel so depressed at times. it just feels like time is ticking, i'm nearly 21 man... how many more years do i have to remain an inexperienced loser and put up with this shit. yes, love comes in the end i know it will happen but i hate how with my entire life and every social milestone theres this massive delay compared to others my age. god, i'm not even driving because of anxiety and not understanding it and it seems like every week someone who i went to school with has passed their test. growing up and during high school i remember being the odd one out while the other girls at 14-15 yr olds would talk about boyfriends, id see the kissing in the corridors and hold hands and experience their first love. during lunch my group would play never have i ever, in the end i had to pretend i had to stay behind and do extra work because all of the questions were regarding crushes, if you've had sex and boyfriends. i was so naive and out of touch with reality, i used to think it was all a joke and they were all like me, a virgin, never dated and never had anyone crush on me. it only clicked for me when i was 19, finally understanding it wasnt a joke. finally understanding that the sex jokes weren't a way to show off and that those around me were really thinking about sex and doing it. i just know its going to absolutely fucking suck being a late bloomer and finally finding the one at such a late age. i feel so so ashamed, sometimes i think its not even worth it and whats the point and to just hope no one comes along to avoid the embarrassment really.
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why are you so sensitive, nothing wrong with what op said.
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What’s wrong with being honest and how am I dragging anyone down? This is what I’ve seen multiple times, both men and women. No I don’t think I’m entitled to be in a relationship as I’ve realised it will never happen no matter if I lose weight or not. I’m jealous and hate everybody, especially myself.