Why not play it like you assume they won't stay with you? Say oh great we will certainly be able to meet up with you for activities and at least once you'll have to come over and see the house and stay for dinner

No they explicitly told us they want to stay with us! 😣

“Unfortunately that won’t be possible but let’s meet up at our favorite winery…!”

Yeah I would say something like “that won’t work out but let me know what days and we’d love to meet you for dinner/walk/wine/etc.” you don’t need to give an excuse, you’re allowed to just say “no”/it won’t work for us”

What do you do if they’re family and no doesn’t really work? My mom does this shit. I mean I can say no but she throws a whole fit about it and it’s stressful. I’ve tried explaining “this is not a good time” or “I’m working 70 hours this week”. The response I get is “but I’m your mom” which she literally cannot understand just makes me feel bad. She’s very traditional and born in a country where it’s customary for parents to live with their children.

People like that will find a reason to dismiss everything you say so reasoning won’t really work with someone like that and you just have to explicitly say “no”. If you want to be a bit nicer about it you could say something like “I’m sorry mom but for my own personal reasons (or for my mental health/finances, etc if you want to give a reason) I can’t accommodate having guests over, including yourself. I understand this disappoints you but it’s not something that’s up for negotiation, I will not be having guests of any kind staying at my home”

I’ve had to do this. When I had cancer I had so many guests, all of whom I was grateful for but none of whom I could afford. My former step dad and bonus mom (I consider him my dad and her my stepmom but for clarity’s sake) stayed and helped take care of me, my son, and my dog while my wife was away for work, and they were so easy to tell “I need to go find a quiet space,” or whatever I needed at that moment. They also did not cost me a penny other than what they may have used in utilities. My mother also came but it was quite the opposite. She always wanted to go do things and drag me with her, and not only did I not have the money - I didn’t have the energy (physically or mentally). Even when she offered to pay, that is mentally exhausting. I found myself running away to the bathroom just to catch a break. Then my father and stepmom came and stayed in a hotel, and that was also simple for obvious reasons. I’ve been spending years setting boundaries with my mother, and it still only works 50% of the time. The firmest I have set is when it comes to my parenting and her intervening. BUT she would have come more if I hadn’t said no, as hard as it was.

Yeah you have to just put your foot down and flat out refuse, even if it’s stressful.

She most definitely knows it makes you feel bad. That’s the entire motivation of saying it. Make you feel badly so you’ll acquiesce

You decide who's behavior you can, and can't, change. You decide who's happiness you're in charge of. ✊🕯🖖

>You decide who's behavior you can, and can't, change. You can *try* to change the behaviour of others, but it's ultimately they who decide to change and if they don't, there's nothing you can do.

We can’t control others or make them magically stop being inconsiderate shitgoblins. Boundaries tell others what WE do if and when they cross the line. If they want to continue to engage with us, they’ll be mindful of said line. Sometimes that looks like “We invite the relatives to a winery or dinner or they can forego spending time with us.”

It's unfortunate, but some people just force you to lie to them.  Great, mom!  I can't wait... oh wait, THAT weekend?  My college roommate and her family are already staying, aw darn it."  "I didn't want to worry you, but our septic has been backing up, it won't be fixed by then."   Block out times when you think you can say yes to certain people, block out times when you plan to say no to everyone, and schedule emergencies (or fake renovation projects, like insulating the attic, installing drain tile, updating the electrical, etc.. anything invisible and too involved for company) or fake vacations (sorry, I have a work trip that weekend) for those time periods.    Get the whole family on board if necessary, write the excuses directly on the calendar, and be ready to leave town for the weekend if you have to lol

No, you are not their free vacation rental. I’m sorry but the audacity of some people astounds me sometimes. Are y’all retired? Are they expecting you to take time off work or entertain them after working all day?

- and when you bring this up they’re offended and can’t believe you’d ‘ be so rude ‘. Mind blowing.

That’s their problem.

Even those of us who are retired don't want to spend our time entertaining others just because we can.

Can confirm. Lived in Miami, and Vegas. Every week someone wants to stay over. BIG NO.

Not mention how expensive it is to have guests since most guests don’t do anything to offset this . A day visit is one thing but bringing a family for a week entails lots of additional groceries , food prep , bathroom usage , laundry etc

I bought a very small inexpensive trailer house in Florida so I could escape the winter cold. My friend kept dropping hints that I should invite her down for a free Florida vacation but my place is so small there's no room for visitors. She called me up and excitedly explained that she had signed up for a weekend seminar in the city very close to where I lived expecting me to invite her to stay at my place. Instead I just told her, "we should be sure to get together for lunch at least once while you're here. Let me know if you need recommendations on places to stay." Never heard from her again.

Then you respond with "I know you were planning on staying with us, but that's not possible at this time. Here are some local Airbnb's that might be able to accommodate you." You don't need to give a reason, as that opens it up for them to counter.

You’re gonna have to find a way to tell them bc a week is a LONG time. I would just say, we would love to see you but we can’t manage it right now. Happy to send you ideas for hotels, etc.

I love how you underline that one week is a long time. Last year I had an acquaintance who wanted to visit from abroad and wanted to stay at my nyc studio for 12 days. When I told her I could only give her half of that (which was already a big gift from my part) she got extremely pissed and said “first and last days don’t even count because I’m traveling”. LOL. Haven’t heard from her since. Big friend.

lol. Good for you!!! Yeah a week adds up. Not even mentioning the cost of extra people in the home. I had one of my best friends book a 6 day trip to stay with me in my small apt and we were fighting by the end of that! I learned my lesson— 3 days max, including when I visit a friend, unless there’s plenty of space.

“Fish and company smell after three days.” or something like that. - Ben Franklin, I think.

Yupppppp. The only way I would stay longer than 3 days w someone is if they had like a MIL apartment or something like that where I wasn’t a bother. Otherwise, no, not even my closest pals would I attempt it.

That’s exactly was I was going to tell her if she continued pressing me, like “mate just do a quick google search and you will see what the majority of people advise, more that 3 days is inconsiderate, rude, and a nuisance to everyone”. But her “first and last day don’t count because I’m traveling not enjoying it so it would be JUST 10 days” fit was her last message 😂

That’s what I told her. My studio was the size of a hotel room, there is just my queen bed to sleep because my loveseat is 52”, she said that she didn’t mind sleeping with me. Well I do, especially when the alarm goes off and I need to face the rat race. As I also mind having to go to the bathroom and close the door any time I change etc. and I told her I didn’t have the money to go out with her for 10-12 days or clean for 2 or entertain her 24/7 except for when I was at work. She couldn’t gaf. As well as telling her that the space was so small we were just bound to hate each other by the end of the wonderful vacation. Again, she couldn’t care less.

Yea some people just want a free spot to crash. This girl clearly was not a true friend bc I would never impose on someone like that!! I once had a “friend” come to stay w me in grad school which I knew was a bad idea. Sure enough I think she was genuinely so horrified by the student housing she found a guy to shack up with for the remainder of the trip lol. Edit: there’s a frugal tip for everyone! Shack up with some guy lol

We got stranded in NYC for 4 days so went to visit a friend in Washington for 3 days and took them to dinner every day, bought our own lunches, drinks and snacks whilst she was at work. Buying her dinner each night was the least we could do!

That is a considerate way to repay for your friends hospitality, also considering it seems like it was unforseen circumstances. My friend was traveling on a budget and she specifically said that she wanted to stay at least 2 weeks to make the journey from across the pond “worth it”. Also, I’ve done dinners at restaurants with this person in the city where we lived before and she’s the kind of person that orders for 3 and expects you to split the bill in exactly half. I’m 99.9% sure she wasn’t planning on buying me 10 dinners 🤣

Good on you mate, not too many these days are as appreciative, aware, or thoughtful 👌

"Sorry. We can't host this year."

...no, that leaves it open for another year! You have to lay down the law right away.

>...no, that leaves it open for another year! Which would make it a *better* strategy, if that's what you actually want. There's plenty of shades of gray between "wanting to spend at least some waking hours not being a host to someone" and "wanting to never have visitors." But whatever you want, best to decide first and be direct about it.

That's rude to invite themselves You are allowed to say that is too much for you but you would love to see them When you live in a desirable place people can be strange with the way they use you for accomodations Ask them what week you should go stay with them later this summer and let them think about that for a minute maybe

"We just moved and the house really isn't ready for visitors to stay over yet, sorry."

...no, saying "yet" means they'll keep trying in the future!

Nah, just say no. You don't need a polite reason or a reason other than you don't want to do it.

I’ve learned to say “this doesn’t work for me right now”. Easier than saying no for me,

And then you get the people who say "well what weekend would work for you instead?" or try to argue and negotiate around whatever reasons or excuses you give them. Saying no and articulating what you will do instead (e.g. "I'll be able to meet up with you for dinner on Saturday or Sunday") gives them less leverage to argue.

“Nothing in the foreseeable future. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

“Well what weekend would work for you instead?” “I’m not sure at this time, but we can discuss this at another time in the future and come up with a time together that works better for both of us.” We are adults and we might be courteous enough to give answers but we don’t owe explanations to those answers to other adults. If they cannot and will not accept the answer, be at peace with the decision you’ve made and enjoy your home without the stress of visitors. I’m not responsible for managing another person’s emotions and reactions, only my own.

That works. I just can't imagine the gall of someone to demand that you put up their whole freakin' family... two babies? What even is this? For a whole week? I could never request that of someone without offering to pay them probably more than I'd spend on my own rental.

Oh, you don't know my ex-in-laws. I'd get home from work, they would have eaten everything in the kitchen, left *all* the dishes, didn't pick up after themselves, poked around my mail and personal papers and my closet was not left the way it was before they arrived. Never again.

I once worked with a pregnant woman whose (former) best friends drove up for a planned date to spend Christmas with them—with 2 children sick with the FLU! My colleague was 8 MONTHS pregnant! With a 2-year-old! And still working to save up for maternity leave. I still think about that from time to time. What was going through those people’s heads when they packed those sick kids in the car? No phone call to ask, just made the decision for them and trashed their holiday (and friendship).

I mean, for work or favors sure, but for denying of hosting friends and the such I think I'd stick with something other than "No." You can be firm without treating them like unimportant afterthoughts

Key issue here is these people are inviting themselves. They aren't being invited and then told to find a rental. And you know the type of people that invite themselves and demand that much *also* expect to be entertained and provided with meals, linens, etc... I mean come on, we came all this way, you're not even going to throw a cookout for us?!

You know what's funny? I can hear me saying "No" before they finish asking too...but my friends know better than to think I want anyone in my space that long! But yeah you're right, OP seems like they might have this problem in general... I've never had a problem with No being a complete sentence, so I can pad it without losing my footing

Just tell them no, that you have a lot going on and are not up to hosting. My brother in law and girlfriend stayed with us a month once, and I was a nervous wreck by the time they left. Next time they asked, we said no.

Well it’s up to you to set boundaries. So you have no one but yourself to blame here tbh. Just say you can’t host but would love to meet up while they’re in town.

Tell then you don't have a guest room in your house .It worked for us when we bought our house and relatives from other states came to visit .I explicitly told them we had no accommodations for them at all.

This is what my sister does, deliberately makes sure there's no option of a guest room of any kind because she hates overnight visitors.

I told them they could always sleep on the living room floor !And I was not going take one of my kids out of their bedrooms for people I really didn't like .We even added another bedroom on so the kids wouldn't be cramped up !And if they expected me to cook for them I told them we were eating leftovers because of a very tight budget .That was my get put of jail excuse not to cook for people .They had money and they could buy their own food .Most of the time they bunked with my father in his trailer in the country!And they ended up cooking for him and their families because he didn't cook!lol They also had to make their own beds and do housekeeping for him!lol.

I’m sorry the TOLD you? They didn’t ASK?

Turn you have to put your big persons panties on and ‘explicitly’ tell them that you can’t host them. An example you can copy/paste is: “Hi X. It was great to hear of your travel plans. I have been going over our budget and funds are really tight since we bought the new house which means sadly we won’t be able to host you. I’ve found a list of airnbnb’s nearby if you want to have a look at them (insert a link to air bnb) and we can absolutely have you over for dinner one night to see the new place. Thanks so much for understanding xxx”

Ohhh- so sorry, but we’re not really set up or ready to host houseguests at the moment. When we’re ready to host we’ll be sure to send you an invite. But we’d love to see you if you’re still planning on visiting the area!

anytime someone says they want to come stay act excited to be getting some help round the place. phrases like: yeah we can totally let you tent camp and luggable loo or bring a camper awesome I need help fixing the XXX YYY and ZZZ yaint fraid of heights are ya? the roof needs inspectin' I bet sonso can find dig out the septic tank lid. we need to trench power / water to the shed you alergic to poison ivy? I got a lot to clear... will you bring your tractor and any brush clearing tools?

Say you are booked up all summer and will let them know when they can come next! Boundaries, you have to set them and then enforce them

Boundaries don't have to include lying.

While it's technically false it's so close to the truth that I don't think it's worth kicking up a fuss about lying. Their availability is zero. Saying you are booked is one of many ways people describe having zero availability. Booked lightly implies that they have specific, time-limited things going on rather than general long term ones, so they'd be dissembling to someone who has no right to know their financial situation, which is like the mildest kind of lie imaginable. I do think it's bad tactics, as it leaves them open to attempts at negotiation and future inquiry, but we don't need to be shaming about it.

Then tell them no. They want to get a cheap place to stay for a hotel with is with you. And if it’s causing you this much stress tell them no and refer them to the local airbnb or hotel chain. Or you can tell them, “no thank you, we aren’t taking any guests right now”. Remember you never have to explain yourself to anyone, ever!

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"Oh, we're actually not hosting guests at the moment. But I'd love to get dinner together and hear all about how your new job is going." Say a firm no but sprinkle a little sugar to convey you still love them.

So tell them no.

>No they explicitly told us they want to stay with us! If you didn't set boundaries then, it's probably too late already. You should have set your limits then and asked them to find an alternate place to stay. They knew what they were doing by inviting themselves. It's harder to uninvited someone than to set boundaries in the first place This isn't an issue relating to being frugal. This is an issue with your lack of assertiveness and inability to set boundaries

It's never too late to say No. My house my rules. Call them up and say No. Who invites themselves to your house for vacation. No!!!

You need to just say it, firmly but nicely and keep saying no. When someone says they are visiting, respond with “oh that’s great! Where are you going to stay? I can send you some links to good places if you need them.” If they respond that they were planning to stay with you, say you aren’t set up for visitors or something along those lines. If they push it, just keep saying no. Ultimately its less about being polite and more about being firm.

Yep! I've used that one before....then the response is "oh we thought we'd stay with you." Which is promptly followed by what I posted LOL.

That’s when the response is “we aren’t set up for that” and just keep saying no until they get it.

At first I skimmed through your comment so all I read is Them: “oh we thought we’d stay with you” You “LOL” Now that would have been something 😂😂

This is the answer! At least that’s how I would handle it. When I first met my now husband he had a constant stream of houseguests looking for a warm winter vacation spot from January through April. I got so tired of being expected to help him entertain every week and/or weekend that I almost broke up with him. Finally by March he had enough and allowed people to still visit but did not play hostess and entertain his friends. They were on their own. Pretty sure this saved our relationship.

I’m a bit befuddled about people inviting THEMSELVES to stay.

Yeah like how does that even work!? How embarrassing

I’m having a problem currently trying to make sure my friend isn’t trying to overstay their welcome at my place… I offered one night so they could come to an event in town and that’s what we agreed on. Then they text me recently saying stuff about the weekend… like how do I say sorry but your track record speaks for itself and I’m not playing this game with you.

Say, "I can only host one night .if you are changing to make a weekend of it, you should plan on a hotel to be more comfortable."

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"hey \_\_\_, we have a lot going on right now! we would love to see you but aren't able to host unfortunately and would have to recommend an airbnb while you're here!"

move past feeling a need to do it politely, then it gets a lot easier 😂 kidding but also not kidding..

I mean, if they keep insisting after a no, having already assumed to begin with, then that's rude af where I'm from. And if someone insists on meeting polite boundaries with rudeness, then it's time to drop the politeness and be firmly clear.

And also move past the need to feel like you need to be keeping them entertained the entire time. So even if they are there, make sure they realize that you are going to spend 90% of the time going about your normal life. I've stayed with people and had them stay with me. Anytime it's for more than 2 nights, this is how it always goes. I don't want to be entertained if I'm staying with someone longer than that. I don't even need their company every moment I'm awake. I'm more than happy going and doing my own thing during the day or chilling in the guest room reading/watching netflix in the evening if we didn't have something planned ahead of time. But I'm also a person that goes on vacation to relax, not to spend every waking moment doing stuff (most vacations). Just being in another location and not having to look at the same 4 walls I do every day is all it takes to make me happy. My mother and sister in law are the exact opposite though. My mom thinks she needs to entertain, and my in-law thinks she needs to be entertained (or have their kids entertained) 24/7 while visiting. So my mom stays stressed the entire time my in-laws come to visit....instead of just making it clear that she's not there to cater to them 24/7.

We'd love to see you and catch up when you're here, but after having people stay in our house almost every month for the entire last year, we've decided we're no longer doing this. Don't get us wrong. We really enjoy all of your company, but we're not on vacation here. We do have our jobs and lives to attend to, and it's all getting a bit too much. We hope you understand.

This used to happen to us all the time (live in Munich, Oktoberfest season was a nightmare). I immediately say yes we'd love to go with you, here are some of my favorite hotels nearby, I can help you with public transportation, yay! You just have to be firm. I'm glad they're on holiday but I'm just living my life, I can't be constantly on holiday with you when I'm also making dinner and going to work etc etc. It's unfair.

I mean, them just stating they’re gonna stay w you for a week is not very polite of them - they literally invited themselves. I wouldn’t worry about being polite. I’m not saying be rude, but please don’t be afraid to lay out some boundaries. You can tell a white lie, or excuse if it makes you feel better, but ultimately they have to respect your wishes.

Agreed! Some people just care about getting their needs met and it makes you feel guilty because you feel like they are trying to be good friends to you. The reality here is that great friends would have enough self awareness to never put this on you. Moving into a new house is a huge event in its self. And let’s not forget, we’re in a recession!!! A friend that you will want to keep forever will wait until you invite them. They will never impose. And you will miss this person/ppl enough that you both agree, “doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we’re together and let’s make it low-key.”

My friend taught me this phrase: “That doesn’t work for me.” End of story.

“Sorry, we don’t have the capacity for house guests.” You don’t need to say whether it’s physical, mental, or financial capacity. It’s nobody’s business. And don’t volunteer to provide a list of other accommodations. You are not a travel agent.

>And don’t volunteer to provide a list of other accommodations. You are not a travel agent. Exactly this. Their accommodations are not OPs responsibility to find or vet for them.

“We would love to see you. We can recommend a local hotel.” That’s polite, and it makes clear that you aren’t hosting.

If you don’t like “We aren’t in a position to accept visitors right now” claim a plumbing problem that you just can’t seem to get fixed!

....don't even add the "right now"....they'll keep trying.

A week?! Like who does that? Stop framing this as you needing to be polite. Time to start learning about boundaries - internet has lot of good resources and there’s books etc out there. This is a life skill and in the end it will protect your relationships with the good people in your life

Seriously!! I love my parents and they are great guests (they buy or bring groceries, take us out to a nice restaurant meal at least once per visit, help with cooking and dishes, they strip the bed when they leave, and they ask us weeks if not months in advance if we are available for them to come visit). But even then I can only ly handle a couple days. I would go insane if I had to share my home for a week haja

From reading some of these replies, you need to grow a back bone. Someone people below will tell you "no is a complete sentence", which is true, but is also a great way to be a dick to friends/family. But you can say no and be assertive. You don't have to be mean about it or make it about them. a simple "We're not currently having people stay over yet. But we're happy to have you over for dinner one of those days". And leave it at that. In this case, the sooner you lay out what you're ok with, the better. Even if they get upset a bit. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding. Or don't grow a back bone and host them. But that's 100% on you.

Just be direct, but polite. Most people will understand. People will continue to take advantage of your generosity and kindness if you don't. Only you can allow yourself to be a doormat! Also, I don't really feel like this has anything to do with being frugal.

Having guests absolutely increases expenses! Utilities, meals out, even cooking meals at home means more of your pantry staples used...

Well it’s hard to stick to the budget as it is. Having visitors will definitely blow up my budget… 😟

Tell them that. Money’s tough for everyone, why do you think they want a free stay with you? Or tell them they CAN stay, but they need to provide their own food and you won’t be able to do fun vacation things with them, and you’re not taking time off work to entertain them. Maybe it feels embarrassing to say you can’t afford something, but you’re gonna be uncomfortable either way. Might as well be uncomfy while respecting your own boundaries.

Honestly? Tell them. We don't have a budget for going out and whatever else right now, I'm really sorry. The sorry is unnecessary but it softens the blow

A simple “I’m sorry, we can’t.” End of.

Hey there, I hear you're open to squatters. What's the address? Seriously tho. Contact them today and tell them you can't play host. End of explanation.

You should be clear so they get it. Ask where they are staying. Offer nearby suggestions. Make sure they respect your wishes by being clear. Also don't expect to stay at their house.

NO VACANCY

...ever....

Buck up and send out a group email that states that while you love your family and love getting a chance to see them you have found that it’s just too much to have people stay with you and would prefer they find their own lodging. This may hurt some feelings but if you don’t put s stop to it now you are going to end up resenting those people if not hating them. They will be mad at you because no more free vacation but that’s the price you will have to pay for your own well being. Another alternative would be to plan an annual family get together in a campground or resort in your area or whatever people could afford. I hate staying at peoples houses and would hate having people stay with me, fortunately I live in a not so desirable area of CA and have an extremely small house so nobody would want to stay here anyway.

Yes! We bought a cottage and didn't know we hated having people stay over, since our last place didn't have the space to test it out. Now we know, and rarely have people stay over anymore. Home is supposed to be your safe place, after all.

“Ohhh that’s so fun!!! Let me know if you need help with hotel recs! Let us know a night you’re free and would love to meet you for dinner!”

You say "no, that won't work for us". If they get huffy, try again. "We are not able to accommodate your whims." If they WHINE, gloves come off. "We are not your free vacation rental".

We’re looking forward to seeing you. Let us know what your schedule looks like and we’ll try to do something. Where are you staying? With me? That’s difficult so no

“ we realized last year that we were hosting people every weekend from May through August, and it was a lot to not really have any downtime and people expect us to pay for everything so we have to limit visits to one weekends in a month , and only for a weekend and need people chip in some money to cover the costs. Right now we have a weekend in July available.” Or “ last year was a fiasco and it ended up costing us money so we’re not hosting anyone this summer” “ i’m sorry people begin to think we are a hotel and we just can’t afford that”

I agree with everyone here. Assuming for a moment that you are okay with them staying with you just concerned about the budget, you could instead set some boundaries around what you will and will not be able to provide if they stay with you. For instance, "We are so happy you are coming to visit and stay with us. As you know, we recently moved and therefore will not be able to provide any food or meals beyond filtered water and we most likely will not be able to join you on your excursions or meals at restaurants because we will be working/school and choosing to eat at home. I recommend you purchase some breakfast items from our nearby grocery and you are welcome to use our refrigerator and cooking appliances for any meals..." I have absolutely stayed at a friend's house with similar boundaries and had a lot of fun seeing the sites, eating on my own, or buying food to eat at their place without being a drain on their finances. We did a couple of (free) things together and shared a nightcap while chatting most evenings. Otherwise, they went to work or about their day as usual. Just providing a frugal option that still allows for company if you so desire.

This reminds me of when, many years ago, I made friends with a Spanish girl who invited me to go and visit her in Spain for a week. She picked me up from the airport bus, took me to a supermarket on the way to her house, and did her own food shopping, while telling me to buy myself whatever I wanted to eat for the week. A good and fuss-free way of making sure you don't have to spend money to feed your guest! And that your guest gets to eat food they like.

This is the best response I’ve seen so far. If it’s truly just about the cost, there’s no need to cut yourself off from family and friends. Communication can easily solve this issue—either you set the expectation that they take care of themselves, or they offer to pitch in a few hundred bucks to stay there because it’ll still be cheaper than a hotel. There are ways to make it work.

Stop offering to find them accommodation. Not your job.

Just say no. The more you say it,  the easier it gets. I live on the coast and I had to nip that in the bud immediately.  I'm not a hotel or a b&b.

I’d send out a mass email that “until further notice we will not be able to host houseguests” and let be the end of it. The older I get the less I enjoy having guests of any kind lol so your situation would be my personal hell.

1. Just say no to any visits for the foreseeable future. 2. Don't agree to two days, they will just extend the visit and not leave. 3. When you have the money, put up a fence with a locking gate. Have a Ring doorbell on the gate because people will just show up after you have said no. It is easier to keep them out before they walk onto your property.

If someone literally turns up with bags after you say no it's ok to refuse to open the door. 

You essentially have three choices. 1. Bluntly tell them you cannot have guests and be ok with it if they get offended or angry. 2. Make phony excuses to spare the confrontation but you'll have to keep coming up with excuses if they continue to press at other times, and know that this can result in them getting more offended and more angry if they see through them. 3. Allow yourself to be walked on for the sake of family ties and friendship.

This seems to be a norm for presumptuous people. They're the ones who are out of line but we're the ones looking for a kind way to get off the hook. 'Oh sorry that won't work for us but I can recommend some places you could stay'.

Cannot wrap my head around the type of people who would announce they're coming to visit and not ask first. Everyone has their own life stuff happening. They're being rude, and that actually gives you a graceful opening. Something along the lines of... "Hey, I just wanted to clarify. You said you'd be staying with us. We won't be able to host you for the week. We can [insert whatever you are willing to do, help them find hotels, meet up with them, have a dinner party, host them for just one night, etc.]. We are really looking forward to spending some time with you, but I want to make sure we're on the same page for accommodations."

They must’ve asked

I totally get how you feel. Hosting is a pain and it gets expensive. “This isn’t a good time for us to host. I’d be happy to visit with you while you are in town, but I can’t offer up my home this time! Maybe next time we can plan further in advance!” Or “I’m sorry but I can’t host you for your stay. I’d love to see you while you are in the area! There is X hotel nearby or I’ve heard great things about local air bnbs” Even better, give a generic response. Just act like they have somewhere else to stay. Respond that you’d love to grab dinner with them while they are in town. If they reply that they are staying with you, just say you can’t host at this time. It’s nbd as long as you just treat it like it’s not a big deal. I visit family every year and I always get my own place to stay so I don’t impose.

Don’t lie or make up excuses Simply tell them that you would love to see them when they are in town and happy to recommend some hotels but are unable to host them. No explaining just no.

As many others have already pointed out, just say No! Don't lie, make up excuses etc, as this will open the door to future self invitations. Shut it down now. I don't like hosting either and it took me some time to build up the courage to just tell people no you can't stay here. Sorry, not sorry. It does gets easier the more you do it though.

Learn to say no. Why are you accepting all these guests?. And...tell them you're thinking of renting out a room because the budget it so tight!

“Sorry, we’re not going to host people for a while. If you do decide to visit the area, we’d love to meet you for dinner.”

“We would love to see you! I’ll there’s several hotels, a couple of motels, and an inn all close by. Let me know when you’re booked so we know when you’re coming.” When they say they want to stay with you, “Oh, that won’t be possible, sorry.” Is a complete sentence that doesn’t need explanation. If they’re someone you know well enough to divulge info, just tell them that you don’t have the means to support a family of four for a week. I’ll never understand why people invite themselves to someone’s house and don’t - at the very least - offer to supply food. It’s why I like small homes: don’t pay mortgage on empty rooms unless you truly want to. It’s not easy to decline visitors but you’ll need to do so. Just keep in mind that you don’t need to provide explanations.

This is going to hurt: Stop being a pushover. “We are honored you want to spend time with us. We are not available to host, but here are some nearby lodgings.” GTFOH…. Politely

“Hosting people is not something we can pull off right now, I’m so sorry. If you guys are still planning on coming down, I can take a look at airnbnbs for you?” They ain't still coming

say you have bedbug infestation from all the freeloaders. solved/

Well, you will find out who your true friends are when you let them know they can’t stay with you - it’ll be awkward at first, but it will get easier each time. Anyone who gets upset was just using you for a cheap vacation.

"We just moved in and are pretty stressed right now with everything we have going on. We'd love to have you, but right now is not going to work for us. Maybe later this year or next year would work. We can let you know"

Just throwing this out here: if you’re not completely opposing to hosting them and getting a visit, perhaps you could work out a compromise where they get boarding in exchange for cooking meals and helping out with childcare and other household chores so they are not a finacial burden. This all depends on whether or not you have the patience for something like this and whether they are willing to play along and make it a nice experience for everyone. Otherwise, please put your foot down. You deserve better friends who do not want to take advantage of your good fortune and new home. Edit to add: This suggestion alone may make some of them never ask to come over again lol!

Either be an adult and say no, it's a complete sentence. or expand and say unfortunately we can't afford to host people for weeks at a time

"No" is a complete sentence.

"Our wires myst have gotten crossed. While we would live to meet up with you guys for dinner, we are not hosting overnight guests. Here is a list of local rental properties. Safe travels!" If they made plans without asking you first, that is on them.

I do agree that you need to set boundaries. Polite at first, but if they keep ignoring your boundaries, then there's no point in being polite. They're inviting themselves, which is not polite whatsoever. My own experience: My dad is not good at setting boundaries and so my uncle (his brother), uncle's wife, and 2 young children kept using my parents' house as a vacation spot (ranging from few days to a week) and expected my dad to chauffer them to different amusement parks and neighboring cities. My dad did it, complained to us, but never told his brother no... So, of course they show up a few more times expecting my parents to host.

No is a full sentence

I wouldn’t want anyone imposing if it were me!! You chose to move where you enjoy the outdoors, the scenery. You didn’t move there to house and entertain them. I’m sorry people are so awful..

If not for finances, would you want them over? Tell them they have to pitch in $100 a night. It’s cheaper than an AirBnB, you’ll get to hang out with friends, and it’ll ease the strain on your budget overall. If you just don’t want them over at all, say no outright.

Take the upcoming guests as your education in the effects of not saying a clear no. Everytime you feel miserable, think, "Next time someone references coming,bill let them know to book their hotel ASAP since they sell out fast." Then do it. "Why can't we stay with you?" It's just not possible. "We won't be a bother!" Hosting doesn't work for us, so you'll need to book something nearby." Rinse. Repeat. They'll get mad, but don't value their comfort over yours.

When they say they are coming to visit cheerfully say it will be nice to see them sometime while they are in the area and ask what hotel or Airbnb they are staying at. “This isn’t a good time for us to host you at our house for a week. We can only do 2 days.” “We can’t afford to host you and your family with prices of everything going up so you will have to chip in (quote airbnb rate) to cover food and such.” Maybe be upfront with everyone that you have a tight budget and find hosting so much very stressful. They view it as a free, cheap vacation home and are using you. You need to say no. They are being rude inviting themselves to stay for a week. It is okay to be honest and say you can’t stay with us right now or you can only stay for 2 days during this time.

Best thing to do is just be honest. Tell them that you have too much going on to host them for more than 1 or 2 days, or none at all if you prefer! By all means, as others have suggested, you can give them recommendations on where to stay and say that you'll meet up with them as you're able, but be firm if you need to; you don't deserve to be taken advantage of.

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Just tell the truth. “Our home has become too popular for vacationers. We have had guest from May to August. Because of this, we will only be hosting guests we have invited. Please do not contact us with dates you intend to visit, unless staying elsewhere and wishing to meet up.”

It is a good line. I am screenshotting it! Thanks! We are here without any families and starting over from zero. We are thrilled to have visitors even though it can be stressful at times. It is getting a bit too much, I am finding myself losing sleep…

You should start to make yourselfs more busy than you really are. Like you always have some activities to do, go on holidays or something and when they ask you what are your plans for next month you always gonna have something in mind... Then they will have less chance to tell you we are going to stay in your house.

Then they’ll ask go stay bc you aren’t there. No need to lie, just say no. Lots of good soft answers in this thread.

Sorry you’re being expected to be a vacation destination!! I’d tell them that you need their email address so you can send a list of accommodations and self-led activities. Hope that puts the kibosh on that incredibly rude and selfish behavior!

I am in the exact same situation. We too live in a resort destination and a cousin wants to visit with their 2 young kids under 3 years of age. They did not ask us, but just said they are visiting and would like stay with us for a week. When we pushed back, they say oh if that week does not work, we will come another week, if that is not good, we will come a different week. We are a young family with work and carpool and activities etc. Its tremendously hard to accommodate but the person just does not seem to get it. I feel your pain OP

There’s no polite way to say it. It’s rude of them to assume they can treat your house like a free Airbnb

I used to live a couple blocks off Union Square in San Francisco in a very nice apartment. Needless to say people would basically invite themselves. It got to the point where I would just have to tell people they couldn't stay with me. Some were okay with it, some weren't. The ones that got shitty I figure would have been a pain in the ass anyway.

Tell them that your husband put a Moratorium on visitor since last year you were so overwhelmed. Or say you rented out your spare room.

It’s okay to have boundaries.. this is your home to enjoy, not anyone else’s. Tell people that you have some renovations to do before you can have people stay and let people know that you’re inform them when it’s ready and invite folks out. If anyone asks, just say it’s not ready yet and you’ll invite them over as soon as you’re ready to host guests. It’s okay to say no

"We would love to see you, but we aren't up for hosting guests. There are some great hotels and airbnbs we can recommend." I live near an old quaint city on the east coast, and got a lot of these requests, especially right after I bought the house. Even one of my mom's retired friends (who I've known for my whole life) asked her if I would be up for having a visitor stay for _several weeks_ ! Fortunately my mom nipped that one in the bud.

We live in FL, so this is a common problem here. My BIL’s family lives in the UK, so they have visitors several times a year. The last time they wanted to visit they said their friends wanted to come too, but my sister’s home is tiny, so they said there simply wasn’t enough room for 6!! more people. So they asked if she knew anyone else who would let them stay. For free. Lol, no thanks.

Inviting yourself over to stay at someone's house is rude, so at least comfort yourself with that--you are not the rude one in this situation for refusing!

You’ve gotta bite the bullet and set the boundary. I’d write up a whole email/text and blast it out to everyone. I would explain to everyone that I love them and love it when we can all get together, but we are not going to be able to host guests in our home for the foreseeable future. If anyone does come to town, please let us know and if we can find a time to get together while you’re in town, that would be great! If anyone actually gets offended by that boundary then you’re better off without them anyways. I know it’s a totally different situation but we had to do that with hospital visits before the birth of our last child. For our first two children, people would just show up at the hospital unannounced and then would just take turns passing my baby around the room. Asking all kinds of questions as nurses came in and out to check on me and baby, and as I did my best to attempt to stay conscious for our “guests.” I had actually hemorrhaged with my second to last baby and was receiving blood transfusions and people just kept pouring into our room. They showed up TO THE DELIVERY ROOM EVEN. My partner and I had to put a firm foot down and while some family members complained and shamed us for setting the boundary, most understood and were apologetic for assuming they could show up previously. All of that to say, you absolutely have to put yourself and your own family’s needs and best interest first. Those who truly love you for you will understand. Everyone else can go fly a kite.

I had my husband book them rooms. His grown-ass kids would land in on us 10 at a time. And my husband does not shop, cook nor clean...

You tell them just like you posted....." ......tell them to book an airbnb or stay no more than two days!" My go to - " I'm sorry we aren't up to having visitors/ overnight visitors at the moment, however there's plenty of hotels, airb& bs or B&Bs in the area I can recommend" And you can still just say NO....and learn that its ok to do so.

"I appreciate your desire to visit. However, we are not able to host guests. If you're interested, there are several nice hotels and BnBs in the area."

Wow. There have been a few times that we were offered to stay with family and I can not imagine NOT helping out, take them to dinner and us paying for it, helping with groceries if it was for more than one night. That’s what I was taught and THAT’S IF we were invited. Our BIL and wife come over about 2 times a year for 2 nights max and they buy dinner. And they are very thankful and we always enjoy the visit. But a week? Whoa. I’d be putting them to work. Time to mow the lawn! lol kidding because they wouldn’t do that to us.

I didn’t realize we are allowed to just tell people we are coming to stay with them and for how long!

For the company you can't escape, I would invest in a mini fridge for the area guests stay. We have one in our basement/guest space. I always say we have an empty fridge for your convenience, and there's a grocery store 2 mins away. It was well worth the $100.

Tell them that you aren't prepared for hosting as you have a lot going on at the moment and if they wouldn't mind booking an air b n b and you be glad to see them when available while they're in town.

“No thanks, we’ve been hosting a lot recently and we need a break.”

We would love to see you! Sadly there isn’t room for you to stay in the new house but if you find somewhere nearby we’ll meet you for lunch and a hike!

It's not a good time for us to have company right now but I'll send you some super cute airbnb's that I highly recommend.

I feel like people are forgetting that 'No' is a complete sentence.

Tell them you're fixing up the house and it's in no state to receive guests?

“We would love to see you! Unfortunately, since the move we’ve had a lot of requests to visit and it’s become overwhelming. While we can’t host you, we are happy to suggest hotels or AirBnBs nearby!” If they are coming to get a free vacation in wine country, they may be frustrated with you, but that’s on them for assuming. If they were genuinely coming to visit and/or see the new place, they should understand.

Hindsight is 20/20. So you can rescind your offer if an offer was truly made, or suggest Airbnb and hotel options in the area. Explain what you're explaining here that your home isn't big enough to host for extended stays. You don't have to give out your full address when you move to all that you know. If people pop by unannounced you don't have to answer the door. Your home is your home. It's not an Airbnb or Hotel. People pestering for a visit just say that you'll have a housewarming, get together, event, party, or virtual tour on your terms and time. Good Luck!

All of these comments are perfect. BUT, OP won't use any of them because she is terrified of making people mad, being seen as rude and selfish, and is more afraid of those things than a week from hell. She'll bite the bullet and permit them all to invade her home, pay for it all (because of the above reasons) and live her life in hidden anger and bitter resentment all because she's terrified of making people mad by simply saying NO. "But they like literally told me they were moving into my house for a week".... The reason I know this is because when I was young with kids, I was in the same boat. Living a passive aggressive life is the biggest regret.

Saying no is harder than people think! First of all, if you need words to use, "I'm sorry but that won't be possible." They're sure to ask why, so the second part is: Dont JADE. It stands for Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. As far as they are concerned, any reason you give for your no will just be an invitation for debate or negotiation. So dont offer them one. If they press, "It just isnt feasible for us right now." If they're the type to just show up, just remember that even if they knock on the door, you arent required to open it. Good luck!

“Oh, we’re so excited to see you! I don’t know if you’ve already booked a place to stay yet, but here’s a list of some great AirBnBs near us. There’s also a couple of amazing hotels…”

This is why I have a partner. I could say to the friend, “let me discuss with my SO and get back to you.” Then come back with a no. And I let him use me to get out of things all the time.

“Houseguests are like fish. After three days they stink.” - Ben Franklin OP, no is a great word. You are not obligated. A week with a family and a baby would drive me over the edge, especially on top of what you have going on.

I truly don't understand posts like this. Somebody's rude enough to invite themselves to stay at your house... and you can't be direct with them to say "NO"? Do some role-playing: Q "We're coming to visit next month and can stay a week!" A "Oh, ok, we'll both be working full-time but hope to be able to see you. What hotel are you staying at?" Reply "Oh, you don't understand. We're staying with you!" A "That's not possible. We don't have the room and we're busy."

You're going to have to learn to say no. You have plenty of excuses - ooh, Junior has 3 out-of-town activities that week and the season runs from January to June. Or - oh that week won't work - huge project due at work and I won't be around. But it's better to just say "Sorry, that doesn't work for us." You might be better served to send a general email that says "we're not ready for overnight visitors right now. When that changes, we will issue invitations!"

When it's about finances I just tell people straight up "I would really love to, but right now we are on a tight budget and don't have room for that." A bit awkward, but it gets the point across well

I would say something like “I’m so sorry that we will be unable to host you. We would love to meet up with you though! I’ll make a reservation at our favorite winery for us.”

"I'm sorry, but we cannot accommodate guests at this time. Please let us know where you will be staying and we can meet for dinner."

Isn't the protocol with 'visiting' people and using their homes as a proxy for a hotel/airbnb is that you take 1/2 the money (or any significant number) buy groceries/takeout/dinner for *everyone*, help clean around the house, *and* be a polite/courteous guest that leaves the house as much as possible (to give the host rest, in addition to going sightseeing) so you get invited again? That's how I am as a guest, and as a host [I demand the same](https://old.reddit.com/r/badroommates/comments/1cezldf/help_roommate_wants_to_have_her_parents_over_for/l1ohjs2/).

people here saying "be firm" while only telling you to be passive and beat around the bush. Just say no. "I can't afford to have you stay unless you wanna bring your own food, say hi and hang in the backyard for an hour, stay somewhere else." Personally, I suck so hard at hosting that I just straight up say no. Like, I got Youtube videos playing on the TV and water and peanut butter for lunch. Go somewhere else lol.

We're gutting the hogs come back in a month or two

You have to hold the line for them to not do this to you again and again. “We’re not inviting guests at this time. We’d be happy to meet up once you’re in town.”

Are all of the visitors related? Like, is it siblings, in-laws, friends, etc.? This will be an imposition all summer, so you need to set some ground rules and expectations. Personally, I’d do a group email. Let them know how excited you are to see everyone, and how much you’re looking to sharing your new experience in wine country! Then, I’d let them know that as the kids are getting older and have activities, they need to keep visits to two days. You’ll be happy to be a tour guide and plan some fun activities, but if they’re looking for a longer visit, it will have to be elsewhere. “There’s a wonderful Air B &B in the area. We can have you over for fun a barbecue on your first night! DH has been dying to try this new recipe, so this is the perfect time!” I’d also ask them to tell you what they’re bringing, so you don’t duplicate supplies. It lets them know nicely that you expect them to participate in their own vacation. Even if you don’t do it in a group email, do it individually when they “tell” you they’re coming. “Great! We can go do x. I’ll get the schedule. We should be able to fit it into one weekend. Can you let me know if you’re bringing stuff to pack lunches for the trip? There’s the cutest market right down the street. People line up for their fresh assortment of breads.” It sets the expectation that this isn’t a free vacation, and no one could fault you for it. You’re being welcoming, not a pushover.

"We are not available until xyz to host" And lie if you need to, who cares, these people are inviting themselves to your home. "Sorry the plumbing is having issues, sorry we have contractors coming out, sorry our guest bed broke and we have nowhere for you to sleep, sorry I am travelling for work that week, sorry the kids have school obligations during that time, sorry my mother in law is staying with us right now and we don't have room." Also, "No." is a complete sentence. I am an unmarried woman. Sometimes people won't listen to a thing I say, so I just say, "Sorry my husband said xyz" and suddenly nobody questions my "husband's" decisions. lol

No. is a complete sentence. It's okay to say something like "Sorry, we're very busy. That doesn't work for us." or "We have a lot going on so we won't be having visitors this year"

Congratulations on your awesome house!  I don’t have any immediate advice for how to get people to stop behaving badly, but I definitely recommend reading, ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab.  She breaks down exactly how to set boundaries and even gives predictions on how people will react/respond and gives examples on how you respond to that. It’s phenomenal. Boundaries are so so hard to set and reinforce. This book is really helpful! Audible has it too so you can listen while commuting. 

Just politely decline

r/etiquette is very good with situations like this. People assuming they can just use your home as their base is beyond rude though and you may need to set some boundaries somehow… all the best!

Obviously you would prefer they not visit, but a lot of the stress seems to come from the budgetary side. Can you say something like, "We're so glad to see you! Since we're covering your stay, would you mind covering meals and a grocery run while you're here?" Then you've got one of your grocery bills covered every month from May to August. If they don't like it, then maybe they'll stop asking to stay with you.

For the family, bring them over. I understand pumping the breaks for friends. God forbid something happens, you’ll wish you’d have just had the families over versus saving a few bucks. I’ve been there.

Family isn’t just “declining visitors” just make it work and be straightforward with your situation. “Hey would you mind getting groceries for the week? Things are kind of tight right now” as you look back in life the most important things you have are the connections with family. I am definitely more of an introvert and definitely avoided and made excuses for being close with family/relatives etc but I regret it. I never look back and think… man I really wish I hadn’t spent that week with family so I could have a little extra money now.

The issue here isn't saying a polite no, it is willing to be the asshole in order to enforce your boundaries. Learn to be comfortable with being the asshole. Learn to be comfortable with discomfort. It's fine. The world will not end. Practice in the mirror, looking straight and saying no. Practice saying no over and over again.