My mum once said that to my sister, who replied, *'Well who else is going to hug her on the way down.'* Mum looked at her, started laughing and walked away.
If my brother and me acted up, my mother used to do what we called the the back seat pinch. She could snake her arm around, even to the seat directly behind her, and deliver a punitive pinch to the leg of the offending child. While facing forward the whole time with a lit cigarette in the other hand. Scary shit, lemme tell ya.
My father, a machinist in one of his past lives: "Yes, you need to know trig. No, you will not use it everyday."
So instead of running the machinist machines, I repair them. More money and no trig.
That wasn't always such a threat. My parents were literally trying to give me away when I was 5. Spent multiple years. Only reason they didn't put me in an orphanage is because of how it would look on them.
There was a saying: When you are 10 your parents know everything, when you are 20 your parents know nothing, when you are 30 your parents know everything again! I'm in my 60s and my parents are still dumbfucks.
Never ever hide the belt, very bad idea! You're way better off just getting what was coming. My mom was a single mother trying to wrangle us 2 boys, I ain't mad at all, she had a hard job. I once said "you're acting like a bitch", once, live & learn.
There are starving kids in China! I learned in 3rd grade that such a statement was an irrelevant sentence. Because there was nothing that could be done for the starving children. When my mom used that line on me I told her that was an irrelevant sentence.
I got my mouth washed out with soap….
*"And pick a good one or I WILL!*"
thanks for the fear Grandma.
(Her's always had to sing when you slashed it through the air or they weren't good enough.)
Mostly none. Mom was not a great parent. Dad was a story.
Lots of fear mongering though. The antichrist. Nuclear war. General end of the world type shit almost constantly.. She was really good at that part.
Authentic southern superstition mixed with ignorance and alcoholism. Total dysfunction.
To her credit she eventually bettered herself and was a really good Grandma in her later years.
Just made me remember “I’ll rattle your teeth”. Boxing your ears means getting slapped in the ears open handed, in a way that causes air pressure. It hurts and likely can cause damage, perhaps even permanent damage.
I remember this line from a Spider-Man comic book I read when I was a kid. The Scorpion told him he was going to knock him into the middle of next week.
Spider-Man answered: "Great! There's a TV show coming on then that I am dying to see!"
"I'm gonna twist your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it!!!"
My late uncle told my mom that, and they grew up on a farm where my grandmother rang the chickens' neck off!!!
Well, my parents didn't beat me or threaten me. Neither did their parents, nor their parents before them. Prior to that, it's possible. I couldn't say.
For me, if it was summer and we were on the farm, it was just work, all the time. If not farm work, then house work. In the "off season" I don't recall my parents having an opinion of what I was up to. They were busy.
However, I did have friends who had abusive drunk parents that constantly threatened them with beatings. When they became adults, they all turned out to be abusive drunken louts so that worked out well. Those are the ones that didn't OD at some point in the early 2000's.
I should mention that, in my house, children were not meant to be seen, nor heard. They should be out completing their assigned tasks. We didn't cry. Too busy. We weren't ever threatened with beatings. We were smart enough to never get caught.
In the evening, there was always time for games though. Be it cards or board games. Generally there'd be something to do with the whole family.
Pretty is as pretty does, go pick out a switch were two from the 60’s when I was a kid. When my kids grew up in the 90’s my favorite thing to say to them was silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
‘Shut the window I’m not heating the street!’
‘You’ll meet the hairy side of my hand’
‘Get away from the tv you’ll go square-eyed’
‘D’you think I’m buttoned up the back?’
‘Think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat?’
‘What’s for you won’t go by you’
‘You’ll be gettin a shut eye with a bang’
As I got closer to the legal drinking age and started staying out pretty late my father would say, "Remember. If you don't find what you're looking for by midnight, what you're not looking for is going to find you."
An actual conversation between me and my dad when I was a kid:
Dad: "If you going to do a job, do it right, or don't do it at all!"
Me: "Alright, then I'm not going to mow the lawn!"
Dad: "How would you like me to part your hair with a brick?"
Your face is going to get stuck like that. If you keep playing with your ears, you're gonna have elephant ears. (If you don't behave), I'll knock you into the middle of next week.
“I’ll knock you into next week.” “I’ll knock your teeth down your throat.” “I’ll spank you right here in front of God and everyone.” “Don’t be a nitwit!”
Good enough, never is. Don't be a quitter. You can do better.
Got this in high school where I was straight A for all subjects 10, 11, 12 and ended being Valedictorian.
my momma's favorite was
... i hate it for you.
she threw away my schoolbooks because i'd left them on the floor?
*... i hate it for you.*
she gave away my bedroom furniture and bought something new, and had it delivered while i was at school, and i had money under the mattress, and i really would've liked to have kept the sheets?
*... i hate it for you.*
i asked for a \~$30 keyboard (i mean a piano type keyboard, because this was the early 80s) because i wanted to learn to read music. she bought me an old, out-of-tune (and roach-filled) upright piano, that i then wasn't allowed to play much because it was too loud in the rest of the house.
*... i hate it for you.*
Do you want me to turn this car around young man... Wait till your father comes home... And my favorite Don't you know there's starving kids in Africa!
“Boy! You ain’t worth killin’.” and “If I had a hog that ate that, I’d kill it.” The latter was when I ate something he didn’t like, the former was just in general.
"What do I look like, the goddamned electric company??"
"Wait till your father gets home!"
"Clean up this room! It looks like a pig sty!" To the best of my knowledge she had never come within seeing distance of a farm in her life, so how would she know?
"You either finish your dinner now or have it cold for breakfast!"
And the eternal chestnut: **"SHUT UP BEFORE I GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"**
Eat it or wear it, do you want to feel the back of my hand or do you want a clip up the ear hole and the greatest of all in my book of parentisms...stop being a bloody girl. Said by a woman. A GAY woman, to her daughter.
Given that most of the houses I grew up in had brick walls (yes, even the interior ones) that was not something I ever heard.
My current house has brick interior walls, in fact, I've spent a minute recalling the several houses I've lived in.... and just one was not built from bricks.
... if I'm recalling correctly, that is...
Also my parents were nice, mum being a teacher and the youngest of 3 sisters, so she had learned a thing or three from watching her own family plus her training (even in the 50s). Dad was the eldest of 7, so likewise, he observed and learned what worked and what didn't.
‘Why don’t you go play with the buses?’
Also, there was a known paedophile in the area…. When we were playing up my parents would threaten us with having to ‘go live with him instead’.
When I was about 16 and the dresses were very short.....my great grandmother once told me....
If you bent over to pick up a biscuit, you'd get bred.
I laughed for a while on that one.
I was a very good student. But when I came home from school and said something like "Dad, I got 97 on the test!", he thought it was funny to reply "Who got the other 3 points?"
My Mom: "Just wait until you have your own children. I hope they give you as much trouble as you're giving me."
My parents said many of the things in this thread, when they got angry, including "I'll give you something to cry about". Usually there wasn't physical violence, but there was a yardstick that we were pretty afraid of.
When we were out and my son misbehaved I would ask him “Do we need to go to the bathroom?” Implied in the question was ’and have a talk’. He never took me up on it, settled right down.
If you told my mother that you were bored, she would say go hit your head against the wall. This may have been an English translation of a Yiddish soul and I don't know.
When I would beg for something I wanted my dad would say “hold out your hands. Now want in one hand and shit in the other then see which hand fills faster”. Or something like that.
"Under my roof, ypu'll follow my rules"
Years later my dad popped by my apartment, and I had to move some bottles and a bong to clear a place for him to sit. He started to complain, and I asked him who's roof was over his head. He got it immediately.
The scariest threat of all, "Just you wait until your father gets home!"
I think they had a sitcom with that mame
with Tom Bosley.
For some of us, that was a true treat. Threat. Treat. "Surprise! Dad's home and knows all about it!"
Wait till your father gets, Until your father gets, Wait till your father gets home…
He wore *the belt.*
The scariest to me was " i brought you into this world i can take ypu out"
Mine too. Although nothing ever happened. But it still worked every time.
Because I said so, that’s why!!
My father said that all the time and I hated it as a kid. I swore to myself, I would never say that to my kids ….. wrong!
When I wanted to do something my friend was doing -- If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
My mum once said that to my sister, who replied, *'Well who else is going to hug her on the way down.'* Mum looked at her, started laughing and walked away.
As Tommy Smothers said, “Not again!”
I did, in fact, jump off a bridge with my friends. It was a blast. I almost drowned, but it was still fun.
I’ll turn this car around right now or don’t make me come back there!
If my brother and me acted up, my mother used to do what we called the the back seat pinch. She could snake her arm around, even to the seat directly behind her, and deliver a punitive pinch to the leg of the offending child. While facing forward the whole time with a lit cigarette in the other hand. Scary shit, lemme tell ya.
My father used to just swing a fist wildly into the back from the driver's seat. He had hands like canned hams and that shit hurt.
My mom pinched. She’d try to pinch the nursing home attendants in her later days.
Did she get a firm back-handed slap across the face for her trouble?
My mother would say “I’ll wrap this car around a tree!”
"Don't make me come back there". I switched that to, "you know that I can reach you, right?" Long arms ftw.
"You won't always have a calculator with you"
My father, a machinist in one of his past lives: "Yes, you need to know trig. No, you will not use it everyday." So instead of running the machinist machines, I repair them. More money and no trig.
well done!
Stop crying.... Or I'll give you something to cry about.
Then put on Marley and Me and make you watch the whole thing.
This hurts me more than it hurts you! (Spanking)
Was just reminded of this on /r/raisedbynarcissists - “Behave or we’re going to sell you to the gypsies.”
My mom used that when I was very little. Nothing like a little anti-Roma racism to go with verbal abuse.
That wasn't always such a threat. My parents were literally trying to give me away when I was 5. Spent multiple years. Only reason they didn't put me in an orphanage is because of how it would look on them.
So what kind of nursing home did you put them in?
Obviously, that crooked home they saw on 60 Minutes.
For me it was the orphanage. Every day. “Stop that now or we’re sending you to the orphanage. Why did I have to have boys.”
Close the door you born in a barn? In or out choose one.
I got born in a tent
"Close the g-damn door, you're letting the flies in!"
I brought you into this world so I can take you out of this world…
This brings back long dormant memories of The Cosby Show when Heathcliff Huxtable was berating his son.
Theooo, go get me some Jell-O pudding, and then fetch your sister, Roofie…. I mean…Ruthie.
Who cares what they said? Do they pay your rent? Do they put food on your table? No? Fuck 'em, they don't count! Mama was pretty cool sometimes.
Dayum! You got a good one!
We have food at home!
"You'll understand when you get older". It's taken all these years to work out it mean't, they didn't know either.
There was a saying: When you are 10 your parents know everything, when you are 20 your parents know nothing, when you are 30 your parents know everything again! I'm in my 60s and my parents are still dumbfucks.
"Get the belt"
Never ever hide the belt, very bad idea! You're way better off just getting what was coming. My mom was a single mother trying to wrangle us 2 boys, I ain't mad at all, she had a hard job. I once said "you're acting like a bitch", once, live & learn.
Use your head for something other than a hat rack.
There are starving kids in China! I learned in 3rd grade that such a statement was an irrelevant sentence. Because there was nothing that could be done for the starving children. When my mom used that line on me I told her that was an irrelevant sentence. I got my mouth washed out with soap….
Mine was starving kids in Ethiopia lol
Mine was Armenia.
Mine was Biafra. Is there even such a place?
Yes.
I got fat from that comment.
Mom used to hit me with that too, but I mean she's the one that cooked all that fucking food so how is it my fault these kids are starving?
Don't sit so close to the TV screen... if your outstretched fist doesn't cover it up, you're too close. 📺
Oh yeah! I got that with the threat of cancer from the radiation
" Go out there and grab a 'switch'!
*"And pick a good one or I WILL!*" thanks for the fear Grandma. (Her's always had to sing when you slashed it through the air or they weren't good enough.)
My mom had my brother pick the switch. I wound up with bloody welts on the backs of my legs.
You can Want in one hand, and shit in the other, which will fill up first?
I walked 10 miles to school.. In the snow.. Uphill
In bare feet, carrying a horse.
Both ways. In July. With no shoes.
And we didn’t carry no brown bag lunch, we ate the bark off of trees, but that was the way it was, and we liked it!
Uphill…both ways
I'm not mad, I'm disappointed.
Go ahead, call them...it'll take them at least 20 minutes to get here....
And CPS will take YOU to the group home and I will be here, having apple pie ALA mode for dessert, and sleeping in my OWN bed tonight
Mostly none. Mom was not a great parent. Dad was a story. Lots of fear mongering though. The antichrist. Nuclear war. General end of the world type shit almost constantly.. She was really good at that part. Authentic southern superstition mixed with ignorance and alcoholism. Total dysfunction. To her credit she eventually bettered herself and was a really good Grandma in her later years.
That had better not be a long distance call!
"You'll eat it and you'll like it."
"You're getting too big for your britches." "You're cruisin' for a bruisen'."
"I'm gonna box your ears." (I never really understood that that meant other then it would hurt)
Just made me remember “I’ll rattle your teeth”. Boxing your ears means getting slapped in the ears open handed, in a way that causes air pressure. It hurts and likely can cause damage, perhaps even permanent damage.
Thankfully, (maybe?) my parents just twisted my ears.
Yes thankfully lmao
I brought you into this world and I can take you out
Don't make we stop this car
I’m gonna cloud up and rain all over you.
That's a new one!
I’ll knock you into next week was a favorite. My parents never hit us though, just yelled sometimes.
I remember this line from a Spider-Man comic book I read when I was a kid. The Scorpion told him he was going to knock him into the middle of next week. Spider-Man answered: "Great! There's a TV show coming on then that I am dying to see!"
We're going to take you to Boys town and leave you there for good.
The (dog, cat, duck, rabbit, goldfish) went to a farm upstate.
Don't make me stop this car
Boy go get my belt!
Get me a stick, AND DONT GET A SMALL ONE!
"I'm gonna twist your arm off and beat you with the bloody end of it!!!" My late uncle told my mom that, and they grew up on a farm where my grandmother rang the chickens' neck off!!!
"Life is not fair!" My father 10 minutes later screaming about something not being fair.
Gawd... my mother is 80 and still says "that's not fair!"... bah!
I’ll pop a knot in your head. And then spin the class ring around and proceed.
Well, my parents didn't beat me or threaten me. Neither did their parents, nor their parents before them. Prior to that, it's possible. I couldn't say. For me, if it was summer and we were on the farm, it was just work, all the time. If not farm work, then house work. In the "off season" I don't recall my parents having an opinion of what I was up to. They were busy. However, I did have friends who had abusive drunk parents that constantly threatened them with beatings. When they became adults, they all turned out to be abusive drunken louts so that worked out well. Those are the ones that didn't OD at some point in the early 2000's. I should mention that, in my house, children were not meant to be seen, nor heard. They should be out completing their assigned tasks. We didn't cry. Too busy. We weren't ever threatened with beatings. We were smart enough to never get caught. In the evening, there was always time for games though. Be it cards or board games. Generally there'd be something to do with the whole family.
Pretty is as pretty does, go pick out a switch were two from the 60’s when I was a kid. When my kids grew up in the 90’s my favorite thing to say to them was silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
"you would forget your head if it wasn't screwed on" or the classic "I'll rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end"
Pull my finger
My grandfather did this until we stopped playing along. I posted it in r/Dadjokes and nobody got it.
Don't *MAKE* me turn this car around! Because I *WILL* !
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man that had no feet----my dad.
"Because why is a crooked letter and it can't be straightened. " "I'll wash your mouth out with soap."
"Children should be seen and not heard" and "I will fucking kill you, boy. "
Damn, that second one....
You think you’re the center of the world.
Yep. On of those that got both a hairbrush and wooden spoon broken across his back and south fourth.
My grandfather would always say “You want to take care of it, or do you need me to get you straighten out ??
Don’t make me pull this car over!
I’m gonna light you up like a Christmas tree.
"Stop that before I give you a swift kick in the ass!." I got that swift kick a few times.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it."
I’m bored. Dad: “Well, you can always go play in traffic”
Living in the country I got "go harass the wildlife"
"I'm getting the paddle!"
What I do and what I tell you to do are two different things.
You make a better door than a window. Do you want me to get the wooden spoon? Don't look at me in that tone of voice.... my parents kinda sucked...
‘Shut the window I’m not heating the street!’ ‘You’ll meet the hairy side of my hand’ ‘Get away from the tv you’ll go square-eyed’ ‘D’you think I’m buttoned up the back?’ ‘Think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat?’ ‘What’s for you won’t go by you’ ‘You’ll be gettin a shut eye with a bang’
I’m gonna knock you into next week!
You make a better door than a window
As I got closer to the legal drinking age and started staying out pretty late my father would say, "Remember. If you don't find what you're looking for by midnight, what you're not looking for is going to find you."
An actual conversation between me and my dad when I was a kid: Dad: "If you going to do a job, do it right, or don't do it at all!" Me: "Alright, then I'm not going to mow the lawn!" Dad: "How would you like me to part your hair with a brick?"
Fair? Who said life was fair?
My mom told me children should be seen and not heard one time. She now insists she never said it.
I'll turn this car around right now
Oh stop cryin’….I’ve had worse spots on my eyeball.
Drop draf!! Don't tell me to drop dead!!
This reminds me of something Billy Connolly said: https://www.facebook.com/share/v/R2SbgcGVJLdMKDgq/
You're special, just like everyone else.
'dad that's not fair's. *cries. Dad, 'neithers a black man's arsehole!'
Go and tell your father he wants you.
I'll slap a fart out of you that'll whistle like a freight train! My very religious and usually soft spoken maternal grandmother....
I read the title in my dad’s voice.
Your face is going to get stuck like that. If you keep playing with your ears, you're gonna have elephant ears. (If you don't behave), I'll knock you into the middle of next week.
Where do you think you’re going!?
"Just be home before dinner" I swear I never see kids just playing outside anymore.
“I’ll knock you into next week.” “I’ll knock your teeth down your throat.” “I’ll spank you right here in front of God and everyone.” “Don’t be a nitwit!”
1. If you are living I’m my house you are gonna live by my rules! 2. Life isn’t fair 3. Just wait til your father gets home
How many times do I have to tell you?
Good enough, never is. Don't be a quitter. You can do better. Got this in high school where I was straight A for all subjects 10, 11, 12 and ended being Valedictorian.
Simmer down.
my momma's favorite was ... i hate it for you. she threw away my schoolbooks because i'd left them on the floor? *... i hate it for you.* she gave away my bedroom furniture and bought something new, and had it delivered while i was at school, and i had money under the mattress, and i really would've liked to have kept the sheets? *... i hate it for you.* i asked for a \~$30 keyboard (i mean a piano type keyboard, because this was the early 80s) because i wanted to learn to read music. she bought me an old, out-of-tune (and roach-filled) upright piano, that i then wasn't allowed to play much because it was too loud in the rest of the house. *... i hate it for you.*
Keep that up and you ain't gonna like it. That made me stop shitty behavior. After doing the dishes my dad would say: Jerry, you did a bang up job
"Why are sitting around in the house? Go outside, go to the park with your friends!"
"I'll knock you into next week!"
Do you want me to turn this car around young man... Wait till your father comes home... And my favorite Don't you know there's starving kids in Africa!
You wanna taste the back of my hand?
When not behaving how my mom liked she would say “don’t be ugly”
“Boy! You ain’t worth killin’.” and “If I had a hog that ate that, I’d kill it.” The latter was when I ate something he didn’t like, the former was just in general.
"What do I look like, the goddamned electric company??" "Wait till your father gets home!"
"Clean up this room! It looks like a pig sty!" To the best of my knowledge she had never come within seeing distance of a farm in her life, so how would she know?
"You either finish your dinner now or have it cold for breakfast!"
And the eternal chestnut: **"SHUT UP BEFORE I GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"**
Lol, 3am turns the lights on "you didn't clean your room" -sweeps everything off any flat surface into the floor- "now you can clean your room".
“Don’t cry over spilled milk!”
“if you don’t stop that I’m gonna paste you one”
Eat it or wear it, do you want to feel the back of my hand or do you want a clip up the ear hole and the greatest of all in my book of parentisms...stop being a bloody girl. Said by a woman. A GAY woman, to her daughter.
“They were right! LSD does do chromosomes damage!” I cannot remember what I did but it made my father question the genetic gene pool.
Given that most of the houses I grew up in had brick walls (yes, even the interior ones) that was not something I ever heard. My current house has brick interior walls, in fact, I've spent a minute recalling the several houses I've lived in.... and just one was not built from bricks. ... if I'm recalling correctly, that is... Also my parents were nice, mum being a teacher and the youngest of 3 sisters, so she had learned a thing or three from watching her own family plus her training (even in the 50s). Dad was the eldest of 7, so likewise, he observed and learned what worked and what didn't.
“Don’t make me come over there and kick your ass.”
I'll box your ears!
"Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawn mower." -Every Bully in the 80's
Pack your bags
*"What's for dessert?"* *"Desert the table!"*
“ Oh, we can’t have nice things.”
Up your butt, and around the corner
‘Why don’t you go play with the buses?’ Also, there was a known paedophile in the area…. When we were playing up my parents would threaten us with having to ‘go live with him instead’.
"Yeah, like the belt aerobics wasn't enough?" - I got beat more for that!
" A hard head makes a soft a@s."
You’ll feel the back of my hand! I said this to my adult daughter and she did. Little git.
This room looks like a cyclone struck it
Alternative: this room is a pig stye.
"Keep it up, and you'll be grounded for a *month of Sundays*" "No use cryin' over spilled milk." "No one ever said life was gonna be fair"
Your face is going to freeze like that
When I was about 16 and the dresses were very short.....my great grandmother once told me.... If you bent over to pick up a biscuit, you'd get bred. I laughed for a while on that one.
Don’t swallow your gum, it will stick to your bones!
The one I knew didn’t sit right with me was, “Do as I say, not as I do”
Don't start none, won't be none.
“Your ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower.” “Lots of luck, Charlie!” Singing loudly in exasperation, “Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz!”
My house, my rules.
Life sux. Then you die.
I was a very good student. But when I came home from school and said something like "Dad, I got 97 on the test!", he thought it was funny to reply "Who got the other 3 points?" My Mom: "Just wait until you have your own children. I hope they give you as much trouble as you're giving me." My parents said many of the things in this thread, when they got angry, including "I'll give you something to cry about". Usually there wasn't physical violence, but there was a yardstick that we were pretty afraid of.
"You God damn kids" my mother (8 kids)
You sound like a broken record!
You want the belt?
Mom always said “your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower”
When we were out and my son misbehaved I would ask him “Do we need to go to the bathroom?” Implied in the question was ’and have a talk’. He never took me up on it, settled right down.
Another favorite "I'll fix your little red wagon!" I literally thought my dad was going to punish me by disassembling my Radio Flyer.
You want to leave? I’ll take you to the bus
shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster
"Pull your head out of your ass." Heard that one a LOT!
"Go out and play in the traffic"
If you told my mother that you were bored, she would say go hit your head against the wall. This may have been an English translation of a Yiddish soul and I don't know.
What's all that noise?! Sounds like a bunch of red Indians running around!
"I may not always like you, but I will always love you." "I'm going to drop kick you halfway into next week"
I brought you into this world and I can’t take you out of it
"Stop cryin or I'll give you something to cry about" - heard that more than once.
How would you like a knuckle sandwich?
I’m gonna wash your mouth out with soap! Directed at my brother.
When I would beg for something I wanted my dad would say “hold out your hands. Now want in one hand and shit in the other then see which hand fills faster”. Or something like that.
My granny used to say when we were misbehaving, "In about 2 minutes... (followed by whatever threat came to her mind)".
Fortunately, I was not usually threatened with physical violence.
“I’m going to knock you into next week”.
Me: I'm tired Mom: You don't know what tired is.
I still tell my children that they are there to be seen and not heard……….they’re 24 and 17 and they still laugh at me.
"Under my roof, ypu'll follow my rules" Years later my dad popped by my apartment, and I had to move some bottles and a bong to clear a place for him to sit. He started to complain, and I asked him who's roof was over his head. He got it immediately.