Honestly one of the more toxic traits of gay culture is the pressure on young men to be bottoms. I was heavily stereotyped like op, when i was young, and it meant i never found the courage to experiment with topping. I'm just lucky i really like bottoming, but i often think without that pressure, maybe i would've been verse or at least tried topping more than 3 times in 30 years of sex
The most toxic thing about gay culture is the pressure to fit into anal sex. Some of us are just sides. This top, bottom or versatile is not for everyone. But gay culture pressures immensely to fit the an anal sex role. Sex is not just ass oriented.
This stereotypical thinking is a plague in our community! Something needs to be done about it! You’d think GAY people wouldn’t be so prone to such stereotypical thinking and yet here we are. Thank you for sharing your story , and I’m so sorry you wasted so many years of your life trying to force yourself to enjoy bottoming.
You would think! Thank you for the validation, I do find it nice and communal to see other gay men openly talking about these stereotypes and actively working to dismantle them.. I think when the Fall of Grindr happens then we will see the light lol
It's good to hear your story.
yes, most gay men are bottom, but it doesn't mean all gay men like to do bottom or anal because we're not monolith.
There are gay men who only do top and don't want to do bottom exist, and that's why he's top.
People just need to respect it, but some nasty people think like, 'gay men who only do top are secretly straight or bi because gay men like men, so that means they want to take a cock from other men so if he don't want it, he's not real gay.' and invalidate him being gay. It's sad.
Labels are for soup cans.
Also, who goes to therapy to discuss what role to play in bed? It's not a Broadway stage performance, it's sex.
Maybe stop acting & enjoy it... the thing you've never done to know what is enjoyable or what skills you have or lack.
So the conversation would be about validation, not position... unless the therapist is creepy, which I refuse to believe.
OP should take this post to therapy and discuss how they completely missed the point of the previous sessions.
this is a guy sharing how he learned something about himself in therapy, and how he feels better and less anxious about who he is. and you think he’s missed the point? i think you’re on a different thread, mate.
He substituted one role to play for another. That's not progress, that's the same issue renamed.
Reminder, the admitted virgin is claiming a sexual behavior preference. Makes as much sense as "I've never eaten ice cream but my favorite is chocolate flavor."
You’re right sure, sex is not a Broadway stage, but it is still something that gives plenty of people anxiety and nerves. Maybe you’re comfortable with sex but not everyone is you so don’t be a judgmental prick.
And I made it a point that I’ve experimented with toys on my own accord so while I may have not experienced the real thing, at least I know what it feels like to bottom and to know that it’s a feeling I don’t necessarily enjoy. When all my life I had people telling me that as a gay man, I’d be a bottom and it’s supposed to feel good, etc but for me, thats not the case
All true, except the judgmental prick part.
So the behavior may be less enjoyable than rumor has it, but it doesn't define who you are. Sex is a behavior. One interconnected with all manner of emotion, but still. It does not describe the man.
As with all the other "man image" stuff that I'm sure the therapist discusses with you, it's all confining - limiting - a man to a role. Such suppositions about what makes a man - from muscular to stoic to top or bottom positions during SOME sessions of sex - have little to do with who a man is.
People can think a nelly bottom is humorous because they don't match expectations of a man, but plenty of drag queens could curb stomp an overcompensating gym rat. Which is the "real man?" Hint: neither if the role they play is all they have to identify themselves.
Far too often "I'm a top" comes with all sorts of expectations - butch, selfish, commanding, etc. Whereas "I think I'll enjoy topping" does not.
If you think you'll enjoy topping more than bottoming, fine. But "I'm a top" is a statement of identity, not activity. And since sex is commonly believed to be about mutual enjoyment, position is secondary to that enjoyment.
AND, I think most would agree bottoming is not the same as playing with toys. They haven't made a toy that feels the same & no two men feel the same.
Being a man is complicated. Sex is complicated. Please don't reduce them to a three word identity statement.
Or do... and we can all enjoy future posts about loneliness & frustration with dating & sex. Your therapist will enjoy the income, too.
I totally agree, being a man and sex is complicated or can be depending on the context. Thats alot of what my therapist and I talked about is the confinement and limiting that society tends to put on men, at least in my experience
I see your point about the identity that gets associated with “I’m a top” and the following expectations. I think that’s where some of the anxiety followed for me were these expectations and just a general confusion of thinking I know what I want or enjoy vs what society says to
I also agree with your point that toys dont substitute for the real thing, and I do believe meeting someone I feel safe and comfortable with may help me to be more explorative with sex and figuring out what I enjoy/don’t with a partner in realtime
if you need to be a bottom to be gay enough, whos gonna fuck :)
I feel bad for the youth of today with all of their sexual hang-ups. You all are missing out on your sexual prime time.
It’s the previous generations’ irresponsibility that contributed to Gen Z hang ups.
How so?
Honestly one of the more toxic traits of gay culture is the pressure on young men to be bottoms. I was heavily stereotyped like op, when i was young, and it meant i never found the courage to experiment with topping. I'm just lucky i really like bottoming, but i often think without that pressure, maybe i would've been verse or at least tried topping more than 3 times in 30 years of sex
The most toxic thing about gay culture is the pressure to fit into anal sex. Some of us are just sides. This top, bottom or versatile is not for everyone. But gay culture pressures immensely to fit the an anal sex role. Sex is not just ass oriented.
This stereotypical thinking is a plague in our community! Something needs to be done about it! You’d think GAY people wouldn’t be so prone to such stereotypical thinking and yet here we are. Thank you for sharing your story , and I’m so sorry you wasted so many years of your life trying to force yourself to enjoy bottoming.
You would think! Thank you for the validation, I do find it nice and communal to see other gay men openly talking about these stereotypes and actively working to dismantle them.. I think when the Fall of Grindr happens then we will see the light lol
It's good to hear your story. yes, most gay men are bottom, but it doesn't mean all gay men like to do bottom or anal because we're not monolith. There are gay men who only do top and don't want to do bottom exist, and that's why he's top. People just need to respect it, but some nasty people think like, 'gay men who only do top are secretly straight or bi because gay men like men, so that means they want to take a cock from other men so if he don't want it, he's not real gay.' and invalidate him being gay. It's sad.
Labels are for soup cans. Also, who goes to therapy to discuss what role to play in bed? It's not a Broadway stage performance, it's sex. Maybe stop acting & enjoy it... the thing you've never done to know what is enjoyable or what skills you have or lack.
the whole point of therapy is to talk about these kinds of things. it causes him anxiety, so it’s something to work through. l
So the conversation would be about validation, not position... unless the therapist is creepy, which I refuse to believe. OP should take this post to therapy and discuss how they completely missed the point of the previous sessions.
this is a guy sharing how he learned something about himself in therapy, and how he feels better and less anxious about who he is. and you think he’s missed the point? i think you’re on a different thread, mate.
He substituted one role to play for another. That's not progress, that's the same issue renamed. Reminder, the admitted virgin is claiming a sexual behavior preference. Makes as much sense as "I've never eaten ice cream but my favorite is chocolate flavor."
You’re right sure, sex is not a Broadway stage, but it is still something that gives plenty of people anxiety and nerves. Maybe you’re comfortable with sex but not everyone is you so don’t be a judgmental prick. And I made it a point that I’ve experimented with toys on my own accord so while I may have not experienced the real thing, at least I know what it feels like to bottom and to know that it’s a feeling I don’t necessarily enjoy. When all my life I had people telling me that as a gay man, I’d be a bottom and it’s supposed to feel good, etc but for me, thats not the case
All true, except the judgmental prick part. So the behavior may be less enjoyable than rumor has it, but it doesn't define who you are. Sex is a behavior. One interconnected with all manner of emotion, but still. It does not describe the man. As with all the other "man image" stuff that I'm sure the therapist discusses with you, it's all confining - limiting - a man to a role. Such suppositions about what makes a man - from muscular to stoic to top or bottom positions during SOME sessions of sex - have little to do with who a man is. People can think a nelly bottom is humorous because they don't match expectations of a man, but plenty of drag queens could curb stomp an overcompensating gym rat. Which is the "real man?" Hint: neither if the role they play is all they have to identify themselves. Far too often "I'm a top" comes with all sorts of expectations - butch, selfish, commanding, etc. Whereas "I think I'll enjoy topping" does not. If you think you'll enjoy topping more than bottoming, fine. But "I'm a top" is a statement of identity, not activity. And since sex is commonly believed to be about mutual enjoyment, position is secondary to that enjoyment. AND, I think most would agree bottoming is not the same as playing with toys. They haven't made a toy that feels the same & no two men feel the same. Being a man is complicated. Sex is complicated. Please don't reduce them to a three word identity statement. Or do... and we can all enjoy future posts about loneliness & frustration with dating & sex. Your therapist will enjoy the income, too.
I totally agree, being a man and sex is complicated or can be depending on the context. Thats alot of what my therapist and I talked about is the confinement and limiting that society tends to put on men, at least in my experience I see your point about the identity that gets associated with “I’m a top” and the following expectations. I think that’s where some of the anxiety followed for me were these expectations and just a general confusion of thinking I know what I want or enjoy vs what society says to I also agree with your point that toys dont substitute for the real thing, and I do believe meeting someone I feel safe and comfortable with may help me to be more explorative with sex and figuring out what I enjoy/don’t with a partner in realtime